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The Beard.

"What one man can do, another can do! What one man can do, another can do! What one man can do, another can do!" -- Tom, trying not to lose his edge
"It pains me to see them fight." -- Tom, enduring the ongoing feud between his beloved icons, Mr. Trump and Rosie
"It feels like I'm being put through a stress test. I wasn't enjoying myself." -- Tom on Fox's too-much-actioner, 24
"You don’t know!" -- Tom, shattering the myth of sports prognosticators
"You're not my cup of tea, but I tip my hat to you for running the gauntlet." -- Tom, giving it up to Michael Bolton's longevity
"Must he revolutionize the world every five minutes?" -- Weirder Jon on the gizmo-crazed Steve Jobs
“What are you doing with that thing? You pick your teeth with it?” -- Tom, wondering what Weirder Jon does with the obsolete iPod mini
"That was a weird movie, dawg." -- Mike Francesa, struggling to comprehend Alexander Payne's bizarre About Schmidt
"My daddy said we could get wireless maybe around Thanksgiving if I'm good." -- Tom, hoping to dial up a broadband connection before year's end
"You know what, I prefer my entertainment crafted by professionals." -- Tom, rejecting amateur-hour videographers
"Come on, guys, it's 2006." -- Stan from Staten Island, asking Moslems to get on board with racial profiling
"No vegetables allowed!" -- Carl's Jr.'s culinary Man Law
"Clean living. I'm straight! I'm like Jonathan Richman. I'm not like Hippy Johnny." -- Tom on his Vice-free, sXe stylee
"It could have wings on it and fly, but if you don't know how to make it fly, it's not gonna do you any good." -- Tom on the unskilled SUV drivers hopelessly sliding around the Turnpike
"The Ultimate Warrior figured out how to use multiple colors, why can't the Norwegian death metal people figure it out?" -- Ryan, wondering when the full color spectrum will surface in Mayhem's artwork
"I don't even smoke pot, and I was like, 'I would wear that on a shirt.' That looks cool." -- Tom on the appealing pot leaf depicted in anti-drug comic book ads
"When you come with the knife, I will not be surprised. Also know that you’ll leave with it stuck in your ribs." -- Henry Rollins, going out hard in Madrid, Spain, 5/3/1997
"In a nutshell, he was gonna turn that place into a car wash. " -- Brock Peuchk on a shoplifter's diabolical plans for Dame Lola's erotic white chocolate boutique
"Well who knows who he might bite? Maybe he's about to bite some rich guy with an ascot." -- Brock Peuchk on the importance of little heroes sacking up and thwarting rabid dogs
"Looks like somebody needs to go back and read The Beard again." -- Brock Peuchk, recommending that Tom freshen up on his Shakespeare
"Don’t tell Paula Zahn, I guess. She’ll probably have a bird, I guess." -- Brock Peuchk, requesting that Tom not reveal the meaning of Wolf Blizter's use of "Candy-O"
"He was the first guy to turn them on to reggae." -- Brock Peuchk, referring to Sam Donaldson's role in shaping the sound of the Bad Brains
"I just got threatened to the tune of 'Let's Go'" -- Tom on Peuchk's creepy, musical send-off
"You know how you get Adam West to sign for you? You send him a check for $2. He'll sign it." -- Tom, helping out the autograph collecting community
"Every Tuesday, you can just count on getting crushed now." -- Tom, letting people know what to expect


[TBSOWFMU - 1/16/07 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 62] / Video Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Kenny Smith - "Lord, What's Happened?"

( Click here to buy One More Day)

LCD Soundsystem - "Watch The Tapes" (from the forthcoming Sound of Silver)

( Click here to visit their Myspace page)

The Fastbacks - "On Your Hands"

( Click here to buy Answer The Phone Dummy)

The Original Sins - "Not Gonna Be Alright"
The Original Sins - "I Want To Live"

( Click here to buy Big Soul)

Ted Leo & the Pharmacists - "Dial Up"

( Click here to buy The Tyranny of Distance)

Bonus Track:

Melvins - "Candy-O"

( Click here to buy Ozma)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Open-phone Tuesdays remain as much a part of the past as, say, Abraham Lincoln and King Tutankhamun (the Egyptian Pharoah and the Batman villian). They're ova! Done! As a result, Mike the Associate Producer continues to tighten the reigns on the early mutants. Nobody passed his increasingly harsh test. Since Tom hasn't placed a topic on the table, there are no calls on the board. The Kid will no longer engage in wily-nily handovers to listeners. The Best Show is not unlike a rental car, and the listeners are not unlike renters who fail to show the proper respect to the rented vehicle. Past behavior proved that they feel empowered to stick their gum on the dash, put their feet up wherever they want, spill their sodeys, and litter the interior by eating crumbly crumb cakes. The only Tom-approved handover is the smooth transition to the Evan "Funkman" Davies program at 11:00 p.m.



- A line illuminates pre-topic reveal, so Tom assumes that someone is planning to kick the show off in very special fashion. A he/she/it bills (starts at 28:00) him/her/itself as Jason and Megan's British baby. Tom GOMPs what he suspects is some kind of weird, ghoulish monster. He’s unsettled and wants nothing to do with this beast. The invasion has Tom momentarily reaching for Pangaea since the show is already in the hole. He considers playing both discs twice, freeing himself to just give the station ID at the top of hour, read Autograph Collector, and go home. Tom gradually gains strength with the help of Anthony Hopkins's famous bear-hunting pep talk from The Edge. He repeats the manly Mamet mantra -- in unison with recent Golden Globe winner Alec Baldwin -- until it reaches a series of exhilarating crescendos of confidence. Tom can do this. He hears those other call-in shows on Free FM, and they don't quit in medias res even though they're terrible. This is a good program, so he must continue to fight. Tom thinks it's embarrassing for a grown man to call himself Elvis.

Elvis keeps going, and so would Mr. Trump, one of Tom's idols. Tom is very disheartened by the Rosie O'Donnell-Donald Trump feud because he likes both of them so much. He admires Mr. Trump’s business acumen and classy elan, while he's equally enamored of Rosie's comedic chops and work as a wo-man panelist on The View Tom wants them both to stop because it hurts him to hear them insult each other. In other words, Tom wishes they would both DIAL IT DOWN A NOTCH. Click.



- Tom wants to know who or what needs to dial it down a notch. Mike believes there is problem in this country and this problem is people on cell phones when riding public transport. He wants his fellow bus passengers to dial it down a notch by not talking that loud. These people need to realize that they are in a public place where everyone else can hear their conversations.

Tom thinks the television show 24 needs to dial it down a notch. He tried the first season on DVD, but stopped after six episodes because it gave him a stomach ache. He flipped past it the other day and saw laser bean explosions and fights every 10 seconds. Tom thinks it's nice to have the action, but you don’t have to run that hot, Jack (Bauer). Tom compares the viewing experience to being put through a stress test. Speaking of stressful, Mike saw a guy on 24 get kicked through a subway window. I bet that guy was a terrorist! Or maybe just a foreign-looking guy. Or just someone who was in the way. Tom would have liked to have been hooked up to a heart monitor while watching the show. Since he was sampling early s1 episodes, he can’t imagine what kind of mayhem has been going down as the show found its groove in subsequent seasons. I read a review of the four-hour season season 6 premiere in which the critic used a video game analogy to describe how far dialed up it's become: "[The new] season makes the Pimp City look like Bubble Shooter."

- Pete calls (starts at 34:55) to say it's nice to see Tom. He thinks people standing on escalators need to dial it down a notch because it's a testimony to human laziness. He imagines that the guy who made them is probably kicking himself in the behind for providing this service to the world. Tom GOMPs him for not properly adhering to the topic. Tom points out that people on escalators have already dialed it down a notch by not running up steps like lunatics. The people who race around the mall are the ones who need to dial it down a notch. This call puts the show further into the hole.

- A caller says (starts at 36:53) he wants to dial down the irritating volume of commercials. He might even go two notches to bring them more in line with the volume of the regular programming. He could even use a device. The Smarthome volume regulator is fine, but I prefer a custom model that I constructed from a Bart Simpson PEZ dispenser, worsted wool, and some orthodontic headgear. Those local car dealership productions don't stand a chance.

- Tom adds (starts at 38:01) sportscasters to the list of people who need to dial it down. When he was watching the NFL pregame shows last weekend, all of the studio dudes unleashed endless blah blah blah about how and why the Baltimore Ravens were going to defeat the Indianapolis Colts. After the Ravens lost, they all made excuses for why their great pick didn't pan out. Tom's sick of nobody ever displaying the egg on their face and admitting that they're stupid. Tom wants them to own it and dial it down a notch. He doesn't want them making predictions just because.

- A caller offers (starts at 39:12) a group he'd like to dial it down a notch: people who wait in line overnight for video game releases. As a gamer, he thinks their excessive zeal makes him look bad. Tom is sympathetic to his cause. He doubts that these people have explored every second of every game on their current gaming systems and need the Wii that badly. He points out that they are throwing hours of life away waiting for the thing that will drain additional chunks from their life. The only time the video game people are proactive and efficient is when they are desperately trying to get the time-wasting units into their homes as fast as possible. Tom suggests that they are trying to avoid the alternative: looking at themselves in the mirror and actually getting some stuff done.

- Mike from Brooklyn calls (starts at 40:31) with a big dial it down a notch. He's real mad about Diane Sawyer and her little group of cronies with their second-grade teacher delivery voice to their interviewees and the audience. He can't stand the pouty-faced, sotto voce, touchy-feely approach. The great and powerful Brooklyn has spoken!

I'm also not a big fan of Sawyer's mainstream reporting and interviewing, but I can't deny her importance to the 9Ts "Riot Grrrrrl" movement. Her uncredited guitar work for bands like Bikini Kill, Bratmobile, Excuse 17, Heavens To Betsy, The Frumpies, Huggy Bear, Emily's Sassy Lime, Team Dresch ("Hand Grenade" 7"), and Growing Up Skipper are some of the most crucial grooves I've ever heard. In addition to her potent playing, Sawyer's early essays (under the nom de plume "DiDi Chainsaw") for Girl Germs and Jigsaw continue to inspire female artists from Corinne Bailey Rae to Ariel Schrag to Grey's Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes.



- Bennie from Boston calls (starts at 41:39) to tell Michael Bolton to dial it down a notch. He's still upset about Bolton's "When A Man Loves A Woman" from 1991's Time, Love & Tenderness record. Now he's enraged anew because Bolton clipped his flowing golden locks and is trying to forge a comeback. Every time Bennie sees Bolton's face on the posters that are plastered all over Boston and NYC, he wants to smash it with a Percy sledgehammer. Tom thinks Bennie needs to dial it down. Tom saw the Bolton videos during his sophomore year of high school and has since let it go. Tom rooted against him, but he did it. While Bolton's music is not his cup of tea, Tom tips his hat because he ran the gauntlet.

I checked out his new Bolton Swings Sinatra record, and I was shocked to discover that Bolton pulled off the impossible. He actually made “New York, New York” sound fresh and exciting to these ears. Cash. Diamond. Bolton. Rick Rubin had done it again!

- Tom from Bloomfield calls (starts at 43:41) to dial down longtime ABC weatherman Sam Champion's fake belly laugh. He thinks Champion has became too much of a personality at the expense of top-shelf meteorology. If something isn't done soon, Tom from Bloomfield and Tom from The Best Show fear that the aspiring entertainer may start singing.

- Weirder Jon in Maplewood 07040 calls (starts 44:45) to tap the touchscreen on Steve Jobs, the jeans-and-black-turtlenecked Chief Executive Huckster of Apple known for spearheading inventive gadgets and delivering keynote speeches/one-man shows at the Macworld Expo. WJ wonders if Jobs really has to attempt to revolutionize the world every five minutes. He's mad at the iPhone because he can't keep up with the acceleration of digital change. WJ will not adopt the iPhone at $500 when it's released in June. WJ also doesn't need a new iPod every four months. He admits to still using the iPod mini that his wife got him two years ago. Tom starts laughing and asks WJ if he picks his teeth with a device as useful as a buggy whip. Tom points out that Jobs has to maintain his current pace due to all of the reverse engineering. Tom recounts the widely-reported story (I read about it in the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald) about Jobs rescuing a dying alien from the wreckage of a spaceship crash. The alien then provided the technology to take Apple to new levels. WJ is lost, so Tom suggests that he start reading newspapers.



- Mike on the GSP near Exit 116 calls (starts at 46:36) to get sports talk radio guys to dial down their misplaced priorities. Mike thinks that instead of going at sports as hard as they can, these guys should focus on building up their families and tackling world peace. Tom mentions a chat he had with a young man named Omar, and Mike thinks he's referring to New York Mets GM Omar Minaya. Tom’s not Mr. Trump, so he doesn’t roll with that crowd. He also didn't talk to Omar Sharif, the Egyptian-born star of Top Secret!. It was actually THE Omar, the guy who does the recaps for The Best Show on WFMU. Tom pops a virtual bottle of champagne to toast Omar's 50th recap anniversary. This particular Omar is driven nuts by sports talk guys that attempt to riff on topics outside the realm of sports. Tom gives the example of Mike and the Mad Dog discussing the exceedingly weird About Schmidt. In their defense, a nude Kathy Bates is a bit of an odd sight.

Tom had an incident at the rest stop around Exit 120, just past the Garden State Arts Center. He didn't care for the customer service at the gas station in which employees favored doling out directions instead of serving paying customers. Tom reminds them that helping lost travelers will not put cash in the Luxoil coffers.

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- Bennie from Boston returns (starts at 49:38) to deliver a sledgehammer to the face of Paula Abdul. His second use of this weapon clearly indicates an affinity for the fruit-smashing prop comic Leo Gallagher. Tom's solution is simple: don’t watch American Idol if you hate it so much. Tom lists some other entertainment options, such as the other 900 television channels, books, long walks, or quietly thinking to yourself. Or anything.

- Nicholas from Jersey City 07302 calls (starts at 50:28) to have CNN dial down the intensity on The Situation Room, hosted by guitarist/newsman Wolf Blitzer. The show's apocalyptic tone makes him worried that we're on the verge of destruction before realizing that they're just reporting on the weather. My recommendation: hire Sam Champion to lighten the mood.

- Tom thinks (starts at 51:30) The Genius Squad at The Apple Store needs to dial it down. Tom was having some trouble with the jack charging on the Apple Macintosh computer that he bought three months ago, so he took it to one of the Apple retail outlets. The Genius asked if he made an appointment. Tom thought he could just bring it in, but the Genius told him to go online at 12:01and make a service appointment for the following day. Tom told him that he can’t go online to make that appointment because his computer isn’t working. Tom wanted to make the appointment while in the store. The Genius said he could not do it. Tom assumed that people thought on their feet in the Apple world, but they apparently just cling to the rules.

- Sam from Brooklyn calls (starts at 53:23) to dial the weirdness down on the H&M clothing store. He's not a big fan because their pants too tight, and their shirts are too baggy. He compares the growing level of weirdness at H&M to the animated film Happy Feet. Tom wants to dial down the American Apparel pervert ads because he needs a shower after gazing at the nubile ladies hawking their wares. Sam needs a shower, a two-minute break, and then more shower. Tom wishes that Sam kept his post-AA cleaning regimen to himself.

- A caller wants (starts at 54:24) the ubiquitous Bono to dial it down. He thinks the U2 frontman, crusader for social justice, and iPod pitchman is a pompous ass. So true!

- Kathy, the first female of the evening after a parade 90 guys, calls (starts at 55:00) to dial down Rosie O'Donnell. Tom likes it when the ladies call because they are more even-tempered and less likely to propose raw violence like swinging sledgehammers into faces. Sadly, Kathy is GOMPed for toilet mouth before she was able to elaborate on O'Donnell's offenses. Tom believes he asked for it by giving too much credit to the women. He reiterates his respect for Mr. Trump and Mrs. O'Donnell.



- FOT Forum celebrity Get Off My Bone calls (starts at 57:09) to dial down the haters. Yesterday, he was watching Neil Handburger’s poolside chats on the Tom Green Show. Handburger was chatting with Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim (known in alt.comedy circles as simply "Tim & Eric"), and the callers kept badmouthing the duo. They did not think they were awesome or doing a good job. GOMB thinks trashing the guests is ridiculous and not cool. Tom agrees and thinks GOMB is a quality young man.

- Chris calls (starts at 58:13) from Hell’s Kitchen, the rough neighborhood where Sylvester Stallone wrote the screenplay for Rocky. Chris thinks he saw him running down the street during that time. He wants the women on Match.com to dial down their overly specific specs for their desired beaus. For example, they want a guy to be funny but serious. They want him to be tall and slim and go to the gym. Finally, they request a prince in shining armor who knows how to treat a woman. Chris became so frustrated that he no longer visits the site. He may return if the women lower their standards. Tom hasn't used the service, so he takes his word for it.

The online dating portal that really needs to dial it down is the kinda erotic True, which rotates scantily-clad babes on the Myspace. I think True is owned by Tornado Todd's LifeChanges. Yuri and his foot soldiers must have patrolled for these ladies. I've recognized a few of them from the Armadillo's Gunnysack.



- Paul, the Pride of Staten Island, calls (starts at 59:35) to say it's too chilly for Sedutto’s, but he may grab a hot chocolate and hang out at Jim Hanley’s. Tom is one of the few fans of Staten Island, and he cites its top three claims to fame: four members of the Wu-Tang Clan, David Johansen, and Paul. Paul has a dial-it-down Two for Tuesday, so Tom gets approval from Mike to proceed.

1. Bombastic, spoiler-laden movie trailers that overload the senses with the hard sell.

Tom longs for the Hitchcock trailers where it was just Alfred sitting at a desk and talking about the film. If a studio released North by Northwest today, the trailer would likely feature Cary Grant on Mt. Rushmore and getting shot at in the cornfield. Tom likes the trailer for Adaptation, which is a movie unto itself.

2. People who overly-customized their Myspace pages with a computer-crashing array of multi-colored, unreadable fonts, obtrusive wallpaper, and streaming music.

Paul just wants to stop by and say hello -- he doesn't need to be entertained by 30 things simultaneously. Tom will often surf to another page while he waits for a Myspace page to fully load on his 14.4 kbit/s dial-up connection, and then he has to frantically search for the window that houses the terrible song. Sometimes a dummy will put another clip in the comments section, so Tom has to scroll down to find it.

Tom puts Paul's call in The Best Show textbook as an example of how it's done. He came in hard, did some upfront banter, hit the topic with two funny entries, and then went out hard.

- Thomas from Jersey City (starts at 1:05) calls with another Two for Tuesday:

1. Urban Outfitters, especially the wannabe stores in NJ.

He received horrible service from the fabricated ultra-hipsters that work in the Montclair store. He also didn't appreciate the music they chose to blast over the loudspeakers. Unlike the store in the East Village, they didn't even have anyone greeting him or bidding him farewell.

2. Whole Foods Market needs to dial it down for asking for your entire paycheck in exchange for a decent meal and enough groceries for 4-5 days.

Thomas also doesn't like the yuppies racing around or the crusty, rusty professor types going extra slow when selecting their organic avocados. Tom pictures a guy who looks like Jon Corzine wearing a tweed jacket with patches on the elbows and holding two avocados up to the light. Thomas also has a problem with the rich, overly-perfumed, yuppie wives who storm into Whole Foods fresh from their boutique yogurt class. They then inch their carts in front of his, oozing an air of entitlement as they interrupt his shopping experience in search of Burt's Bees lip balm.

I go to Whole Foods for my Tom’s of Maine fennel toothpaste -- the original and still the best.

- Listener Evan calls (starts at 1:09) to dial down the current slate of Pop-Tarts. Evan recalls the simpler days of his youth where there were only 4-5 classic Pop-Tart flavors, including Dutch Apple, which Tom doesn't remember. Tom also doesn't remember Danish Go Rounds, a fancier, curlicue Pop-Tart offshoot. Based on the box cover, these things look like sausage. Danish MEAT treats!

Evan recently took his kid to the Shop-Rite in Bloomfield to stroll down memory aisle and show him the toaster treats he used to like back in the day. He was horrified to discover three rows of Xtreme Pop-Tarts (Banned in Belgium) with Gatorade-y flavors like Strawberry Arctic Blast (Tom: "What is it, gum?"), Bavarian Deep Fudge with Double Dark Chocolate, and Iced Chocolageddon. Tom thinks the people at the Pop-Tart Corporation are trying to combat the problem of people still being able to fit into their cars. He wonders if these new flavors are standard tarts or constructed like a sandwich.

Evan says the vast array of choices makes his purchasing decisions more difficult, but Tom thinks he has to have some backbone and make a call. Tom also thinks he needs to dial down the sugar he’s jamming down his kid’s throat so he won't be so hyper. Evan was going to issue a second dial it down to his kid, but now he knows that they are intertwined. The man in the mirror is to blame. He thought he was gonna stick it to the Pop-Tart Corporation of America, but his call became a parental wake-up call. Tom thinks Evan should try some of the Spike-endorsed organic pop-tarts at Whole Foods. Tom refuses to bash suburban grocery stores for having too many Pop-Tarts because it's better than the lowly NYC grocery stores that either have one flavor or just one box of each flavor.

True story: I haven't eaten a Pop-Tart since 1995 when I badly burned my lip on an errant shard from a Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tart . That motherfucker was hotter than molten lava. I'm too scared to return to the Pop-Tart circuit. I prefer the safer, healthier world of Kashi's Go-Lean Crunch.

- Pat from The Long Walk To New York collective calls (starts at 1:14) to say the film is still mired in pre-production with a possible spring walk date. Hopefully "Sweet Tooth" will be out of the Rahway State Prison by then. Pat wants to dial down the furor over television on the Internet with the rise of popular video-sharing websites like YouseTube. Tom is surprised that Pat doesn't prefer 90-second clips to scripted fare. Pat works in freelance video production, and all of the jobs he's been getting are for web-based television networks. Pat doesn't know what's happening and wonders if people watch actual television anymore. Tom assures Pat that he's watching television. Tom is sick of people who rub the fact that they don't own a TV in your face, but spend the entire day watching an old lady swing a broom around and have a hornet's nest fall on her head or some Corporate Dope from the bank singing his version of U2’s “One”. That's entertainment? The bottom line: Tom prefers his entertainment crafted by professionals.

- James from Redding, Pennsylvania, one of the most dangerous cities in the world, calls (starts at 1:18) to tell Queen of All Media Rachel Ray to dial it down. He's sick of seeing this vicious monster's face all over television, Triscuit boxes, EVOO bottles, and on the cover of one of her 29 books. Tom thinks Ray needs to dial down her self-promotion and marketing initiatives, but dial it UP a notch on her real-time cooking segments. Tom is bored by 45 seconds of stirring. James doesn't like Ray's penchant for interrupting her talk show guests and berating them for subpar chopping skills. Ray is a big fan of WFMU/The Best Show, so Tom addresses her directly and demands the requisite adjustments. She recently booked Jay Reatard on her talk show for mid-February. He will play "Death Is Forming" while she makes a yum-o meatloaf.

- Stan from Staten Island calls (start at 1:19) to run through some of his personal bio: he's a substitute history teacher who likes reading books and eating pizza. He thinks the best pizza on Staten Island is at one of the 457 Ray’s locations. He doesn’t really like to eat on Hylan Boulevard because it lacks the intimate atmosphere he needs to properly enjoy his pizza consumption. He wants Moslems dial it down a notch because they don't seem to realize that it's 2006 2007. Stan doesn't support their boycot of Northwest Airlines for their racial profiling policies. He also thinks that they should get over the fact that Saddam Hussein was killed at the time of the Eid ul-Adha religious festival and just be glad the sweet tyrant is finally toppled. Tom loses sight of Stan's point, so his move is to take out his red pen for some markup:

Could be shorter.

Tighten it up!

What's the point?

GET OFF MY FONE!

No gold star for this robot boy.

- Bennie from Boston completes his trilogy of calls (starts at 1:22) by apologizing for his previous behavior. Tom wonders if his violent attitude springs from the streets of Southie like Will Hunting. Bennie says sometimes he just gets angry about everything being so dialed up, and Tom is shocked that such anger is present in a man from Boston. Bennie erupts with hometown pride and takes out his sledgehammer to attack New York's face.

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I purchased this MS Painting (by the wickedly deviant artist, "Spank") for $2,300 in an online auction

- Tristan calls (starts at 1:23) to recommend professional help for Bennie from Boston and Stan from Staten Island. Tom thinks Bennie needs to not dial this show. Tristan wants to expand Pat's online video dialdown to include the entire online community. Tristan says that in addition to YouseTubers, the Web is a hotbed for inexperienced interviewers. Tom wants an example, but Tristan cannot provide one. Tom threatens to take out the red pen again if Tristan cannot back up his arguments. Tristan switches to the topic of wide range of art on the Internet. While there are good artists on the Web, Tristan doesn't think people need to spill their entire portfolios of MS Paint drawings onto the DeviantART galleries. When faced with criticism -- even if it's constructive -- they reject it, suggesting that they are free from negative feedback because they are on the Internet. After a turbulent start, Tristan pulled through.


- John Junk calls (starts at 1:26) to dial down Carl’s, Jr. TV spots. Junk pretends that he didn’t know that Carl Jr's is a regional, West Coast chain despite spending most of his life in the northeast. He thought that maybe they just got really big in the past year. Junk explains that Carl's Jr.'s advertisements feature audibly masticating people shoving meat into their faces and trying to talk with mouthfuls of beef and soda. Junk cites some kind of corned beef-hamburger combo sandwich as one of the chain's celebrated vegetable-free, aggressively poisonous offerings. Junk points out that these items are always marketed towards dudes who think eating a mound of fat will make them macho. THIS JUST IN: Andre Balazs announces that Carl Jr.'s is the official restaurant of the William Beaver Frathouse.

- A super-duper Noah in Brooklyn calls (starts at 1:29) to dial down one of his pet peeves: Vice magazine and other media outlets that glorify rails. Tom doesn’t know if he has it in him to have the Vice discussion. Noah wonders if these people have seen the drug-mule thriller Maria Full Of Grace, which depicts the harsh, human realities of how drugs sneak across the border. Tom subscribes to the clean living of Jonathan Richman, not the communal drug binging of Hippy Johnny. Noah says he read an article that talked about people smuggling drugs inside puppies. Tom GOMPs him for grossness.

- A female caller wants (starts at 1:30) to erase the bad memory of the toilet-mouthed Kathy debacle. She wants to dial down people who own SUVs or tanks, but can’t drive or park them. Tom is also afraid of these people who are oblivious to the actual scope of their vehicle. The caller wants them to get a car that fits the road. Tom is anticipating the SUVs that will get stranded on the NJT and GSP during the first snowstorm because their owners can't operate the four-wheel drive. Even if the car came equipped with flying capabilities, the drivers would be too busy skidding around to achieve takeoff. The caller just got back from a trip to Miami and was amazed at all the useless Hummers she saw littering the roads like Michael Vick's tricked-out Aquafina bottles.

- Pork Chop from Brooklyn says (starts at 1:32) that hip-hop radio should dial it down. He didn't like being screamed at over Christmas weekend and doesn’t want to be scared into liking anything. Tom doesn't want to be screamed at by a guy named Pork Chop, so he GOMPs him for being full of hate.

- Sean from Brooklyn calls (starts at 1:33) to ask Tom if he's ever been to the Trader Joe’s in NYC. Tom goes to the one in New Jersey because you don't have to wait 2.5 hours to get inside. Sean thinks the scary and energetic cashiers at the Union Square location need to dial it down. Tom likes people being pleasant in a retail environment, but there’s a line that shouldn't be crossed. Tom had to cross a Quick-Stop off his list because the clerk wouldn't stop talking to him. Sean wanted to pay for his three items in peace, but the Trader Joe's cashier tried to make small talk about his plans for evening. Tom will not be shopping at the Trader Joe's in Union Square.

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- Ryan from Lynchburg wins (starts at 1:35) Tom's heart by asking how he's doing. If Tom had a chocolate factory, he would give it to Ryan for the Charlie Bucket move. Sadly, the deal fizzles when Tom GOMPs him for not knowing who Charlie Bucket is. It's probably for the best because Art Slugworth's assistant told me that Ryan and his grandfather stole Fizzy Lifting Drink during a visit to the Wonka factory last fall. For shame.

Diana Sowle (w/c by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley) - "Cheer Up, Charlie"

- Diana calls (starts at 1:35) to tell Stan from Staten Island to dial down his intolerance. She thinks 2007 is a time for tolerance and peace.

- First time/longtime Jonathan calls (starts at 1:36) to dial down a post-mortem Johnathan Ritter. Jonathan claims that people went crazy for the Three’s Company star when he died, but nobody liked him when he was alive. Tom was unaware of Ritter's posthumous popularity surge. Jonathan also wants Diana to dial down her intolerance of the intolerant Sam from Staten Island.

- Linda in Brooklyn calls (starts at 1:37) to join those dialing down Myspace pageantry and second Pork Chop's indictment of obnoxious hip-hop radio MCs. She wants WFMU to dial UP their wattage, so she can receive its signal while she puts up MS Painting exhibits.

- Ryan from Lynchburg returns (starts at 1:38) after remembering the identity of Charlie Bucket. He apologizes for his oversight, and Tom agrees to move on. He was probably thrown because when he hears “bucket”, he automatically thinks of “Honey Bucket”. Ryan wants to dial down the guttural vocals and Kiss-like face paint of Nordic death metal bands like Mayhem. Tom thinks these bands need to dial UP the color palette on their monochromatic album covers. He points out that with the advent of computer technology, color separation is very affordable. Ryan thinks that if the Ultimate Warrior achieved multicolored glory, the Norwegian death metalers should be able to follow in his path. Since he redeemed himself, Tom gives Ryan the chocolate factory for a second time.

Ryan also wants -- you guessed it -- The Melvins to dial up the awesomeness, if physically possible. He thinks two gongs might do it. I'd thrown in about a dozen ice bells and maybe a shofar blown through a Big Muff.

- Tim from Ellensburg, WA, closes out (starts at 1:41) this breakout topic by asking DC and Marvel to dial down their hyperbolic advertisements that over-promise THE SHOCKING SECRET THAT WILL CHANGE THIS CHARACTER FOREVER! or THE SHOCKING EVENT THAT WILL CHANGE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! in every comic book. Then, six months later, they either pretend it didn't happen or revert the universe back to its original state. Tom thinks comic books also need to dial down the artistically-appealing anti-drug ads for kids. Tom saw one that featured a pot leaf with a dead-end maze in it. It was trying to suggest that you would get lost if you smoked a lot of crippler, but it was actually just a really cool-looking pot leaf. Tom doesn't smoke pot, but he would wear a shirt with that image on it. Tim mentions Marvel's odd "Tobacco is whacko ... if you're a teen" ads, which imply that tobacco is perfectly fine for adults.

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Three shows in January, three routs. Tom comes in, crushes everyone and everything, and leaves. Even though he's on fiyah, Tom needs a little juice to stay strong for the final hour, so he, of course, dials up another excerpt from Henry Rollins’ Smile, You’re Traveling (5/3/97, Madrid, Spain):

I went into all of this knowing it was going to be hard all the way. Hard going in and hard going out. Even at the beginning, I knew that there was never going to be any quarter given. I’m at the point now where people want to have a go at me and try to take me down a peg or two. What they don’t know is that I got to where I am by means that would make them cry for their mothers. They will be cruel and brutal. The first 10 years were good training for this. They have no idea what I’m used to, what I am ready for, and what I can deal with. I can see now that it’s going to take all I have to withstand my future. There will be no friends at the end of the trail. Good thing I already know how to go it alone. It’s a disgusting thing to see a man come in hard and got out soft. I can see going out on your shield. I don’t mind getting destroyed as long as I go out fighting. I think it’s disgusting when men get soft with age or when their lifestyle changes and they cannot maintain the edge they used to have, yet they insist they still have it. It’s okay if you’re a milkman (what?) or something, but if you’re a warrior, then you have to know that you’ll be going out with certain things and it will hurt and you will wont for these things and sometimes you will hate the way your life has played out. You can always get out, but you will have to live with the shame of that. For myself, I cannot. I cannot. At this point, this stand is the only thing I have. Everyone goes with their story, no matter what it is. I’ll take the shots that come with it. I know that on the way out, you will be spitting and cursing and calling me names. I knew this as a truth when I was 20. When you come with the knife, I will not be surprised. Also know that you’ll leave with it stuck in your ribs. I have been awaiting your arrival for almost two decades. That’s why I never get close, don’t like compliments, don’t feel an affinity with anyone. I’m on my own. Always have been, always will be, and it’s totally cool because people are soft, cautious -- they’re spectators. You always know what you are. I never expected a fair shake. I’ve never expected equality. I’ve never believed in human rights or justice. I’ve never believed that those things were options. The bottom line is if you’re living it, then you know. Otherwise, you don’t, and everything you say is just an assumption, projection, and lies. For the millionth time, you go in hard, you go out hard.

Tom can do this! What Rollins can do, another man can do!



- Brock out in Newbridge calls (starts at 2:04) to say he's a little irked about the eternal Jersey vs. Manhattan thing that’s been brewing for a long time. The tensions flared recently during the stink cloud controversy, and Brock got ribbed by his friends in the city. Tom did, too. Brock is also a bit down about getting bit in the keester by the "Subway Hero" a few weeks ago. Brock is referring to the incident where Harlem resident Wesley Autrey saved 20-year-old NYU student Cameron Hollopeter. Autrey was up in the subway with his two daughters when he saw Hollopeter have a seizure and fall down into the tracks. He jumped on him, covered him, and squished down in the drainage trench with just enough room to have the train glide over them. The story was all over the news, and Brock laments that Autrey got all the coverage, while a hero right here in New Jersey got nothing. Tom wants to know the identity of this forgotten Jersey hero. It's Brock. Brock Peuchk.

Tom’s never heard of him, so he wants to hear his heroic tale. Brock says that he thwarted a recent robbery at Dame Lola’s, the new erotic white chocolate store. It's located up near the factory where Newbridge Toilet Seat Repair used to be before it disappeared. He was browsing for a gift for a co-worker when he spotted a guy in one of the bubbled shoplifting mirrors that span the entire store. Most people wouldn't even notice these mirrors, but Brock is very aware of his surroundings and likes to scope out the scene. The guy was an insane-looking creep wearing a ski mask and holding a knife. Since he was a super-frightening cat, Brock knew that he had to do something quick. Brock confirms that Tom has seen the gorgeous Dame Lola on the billboards up on Pancake Drive. Since the proprietor is very attractive, Brock can't imagine what the shoplifter would do to her after taking her money.

Brock confronts him, and the creep admits that, in a nutshell, he was gonna turn the erotic white chocolate boutique into a car wash. Tom doesn't know what that means, and neither does Brock, but they both agree that it sounds bad. Brock tackles him, and they proceed to roll around for 15 minutes like a scene from an old Western. Brock had the shoplifter by his wrists, so he couldn't stab him. Brock's left hand was on his right hand, putting himself at a deficit. Brock eventually beats him up and chases him out of the store. Tom agrees that he’s a hero. Brock appreciates Tom's praise, but he points out that he’s got at least 200 more stories like this one. For example, he was waiting in line at a bank when he saw a guy about to put on a ski mask and brandish a big knife. Brock tried to reason with him to avert the bank robbery. This didn't work, so Brock wrestled him, kicked the knife away, and the man fled the scene.

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Brock is chronicling his adventures in a book called The Hero’s Call. He says the tome will go into great detail about the struggle between good and evil in this world. It will examine the overpowering voices of good and evil that are constantly vying for your attention. Brock says that while you never know which one will prevail in the end, it seems that evil is often more powerful and actually does win. Evil chalked up a victory during an encounter outside of his ex-girlfriend's house. They had broken up four months ago, but Brock still cared for her and wanted to make sure everything in the house was OK. While Brock was there, a guy with a big knife and ski mask came along and broke into her house to spray paint awful, degrading stuff on her walls. The text referred to gross stuff that she does in private. He also stole her Mother 13 and Sister Sheila CDs. Brock can't imagine how upset his ex was about this heist. Brock tried to tackle the masked man, but he overpowered Brock and threw him to the ground. He then stomped his face, and said, “I’m in charge, Brock.” Brock isn't sure how he knew his name. Tom wonders if it’s the same guy from Dame Lola's and the bank. Brock never thought about it, but says he looks sorta the same.

Brock doesn't call the cops during these altercations, and Tom finds it strange that nobody else noticed the 15-minute wrestling match in the erotic white chocolate store or the fight in the bank. Brock doesn't know how it's possible for nobody to notice his heroism. He says that when they’re happening, it’s almost like they’re kinda not happening on the outside and stuff. Brock sees it happening, but suspects that others maybe don’t. Tom asks Brock if he sees the guy with the knife and ski mask in the bank and chocolate store. Brock can see him, but nobody else sees him. Since the guy outside his ex-girlfriend's house said he was in charge, Brock doesn't know what to do. He feels bad that he didn't put up enough of a fight, and he admits that sometimes the voices are overpowering. Tom asks him if he's also the guy with the ski mask and knife. Brock says that the guy looks sort of like him, but he has a Rollie Fingers old-timey mustache. Tom thinks it’s creepy. Brock asks him not to judge. Tom says he's just trying to figure it out and get some honest answers. Tom wants to know if the talk about heroes vs. bad guys and good vs. evil is all the struggle within himself. Brock says he will rethink that when he finishes his children's book, The Little Hero’s Call. It tells kids how they, too, can be heroes. The books advises youngsters to always keep their eyes open for heroic opportunities (HEROPS). Tom doesn't think kids should always be seeking out HEROPS, but Brock argues that it’s the 2007s.

For example, a kid is walking down the street and sees a shed ablaze. Since there could be a kids' clubhouse meeting being held in there, Brock thinks the little hero should sack up and try to save people. Tom strongly disagrees, but Brock says the kid might make a name for himself like he did or is trying to or deserves. Tom confirms that Brock is recommending running into a flaming shed instead of getting an adult. In another HEROPS scenario, a kid sees a dog foaming at the mouth. Brock's book will tell the kid to tackle the rabid canine because nobody knows who it might bite. It could be a rich guy with an ascot. The kid will save the day and get a big reward, such as a jet ski or, at very least, a catamaran. Tom thinks it’s terrible advice, but Brock thinks you've gotta go for it just like the man said. Tom thinks an adult is the proper “it”.

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Modern reconstruction of the famous Globe Theatre, commonly referred to as "The Big Chicken"

Tom wants to know what man is calling for people to go for it. Brock tells Tom to listen and learn. He quotes the man: "Cowards die many times before their deaths; / Prince Valiant never taste of death but once." Tom doesn't recognize the line. Brock calls him a fool and reveals that it's from Julius Caesar. He concludes that Tom needs to go back and read "The Beard" again. Tom doesn't know who that is, so Brock tells him it's William Shakespeare. He's baffled that Tom has a radio show, but isn't familiar with Shakespeare. Tom says the correct nickname is definitely "The Bard". Brock insists that it's "The Beard", which refers to the little white beard he had on his chin. The beard matches his white suit, and the look is finished with a black string tie.

Tom thinks Shakespeare had a black mustache and beard with a receding black hairline. He also had soft features. Brock says it sounds like he’s describing Higgins from Magnum, P.I. Brock believes Tom's misinformation is an embodiment of the famous Shakespeare line, “Now is the winter of our discotheque.” Tom wants to hear the line again, so Brock sends him back to Shakespeare school. Tom wants to be enlightened about that quote because he thinks it's "discontent". Brock is certain that he's correctly quoting from one of the Richards. Tom returns to the physical description, and Brock confirms that the man he is thinking of wore glasses and had a tuft of white hair on top of his head. Tom tells him that he has described Colonel Sanders. Brock has seen this man on the KFC logo, but he thought that was William Shakespeare. Brock will agree to disagree on the issue. He’s from Missouri on that one -- Tom will have to show it to him in keeping with the state's "You'll Have To Show It To Me" motto.

Speaking of Magnum P.I., Brock loves the show and got the DVD box set that came out last year. He thinks it's almost as cool as that Walter Cronkite box set. He's referring to the 1963-1964 CBS Evening News 288-disc DVD box set. It contains every nightly broadcast (with commercials) for a huge period of news: JFK assassination, LBJ getting sworn into office, LBJ's war on poverty, the British Invasion of The Beatles, the 1964 Olympic Games, and early space race stuff.

The bonus materials include bloopers and behind-the-scenes featurettes. One featurette is over two minutes long. Tom is not a fan of the skimpy featurettes. Brock can’t believe it. There's also some cool footage of Cronkite when he was trying to take up smoking. Brock mentions that in a lot of old television footage, people like Rod Sterling, the host of The Twilight Zone, were smoking away. Tom thinks his last name was "Serling", so Brock wants him replaced for not knowing about Rod Sterling and pop culture. He recommends The Twilight Zone, which is cool despite being a bit kitschy and cheesy.

Brock skipped through some of the boring stuff on the DVD set, like stories about highway construction, but he's fascinated by the smoking stuff. Everyone smoked back then, so Cronkite wanted to fit in with his peers. In one 30-minute newscast, he smoked an entire pack of Pall Mall cigarettes. On the DVD, they added a counter at the bottom of the screen to tick them off one by one. Cronkite also recorded commentary tracks on 90 discs. Brock thinks it's an incredible look inside the mind of the man. While the tracks are largely informative, Brock says they are also funny. The old newscasts featured people in the background, much like modern-day MSNBC or CNN with the news teams working on their computers behind the talking head dude or dudette. Cronkite comments on these people, especially a writer named Paul O'Bannion. Cronkite hated him, so his commentary takes the form of fart sounds whenever O'Bannion is visible on the screen. Even when he was in the middle of talking about the big nursing home fire of 1963, he let one rip when he saw O'Bannion.

Brock says there's also great footage of Cronkite on stage with Frank Zappa at The Fillmore in 1971. Cronkite played the Moog with The Mothers on “Latex Solor Beef". Brocks claims that Cronkite was totally into music, including some stuff even further out that Zappa. Brock mentions that people always go nuts about Sherman Helmsley being into Can and Neu!, and Hawkind, but nobody knows about Cronkite's musical tastes because of The Anchorman’s Code. The code was followed by all of the leading anchors: Edward R. Murrow, Roger Mudd, Chet Huntley, David Brinkley, John Chanchellor, Peter Jennings, and Ted Koppel. Since these guys were as powerful as Gods, if they didn’t want the general public to know about something personal, then it didn't get out. Brock gives some examples of personal tidbits that the code kept secret. Roger Mudd was a Hell’s Angel and dated Janis Joplin despite being a married family man. Peter Jennings had a stint as a roadie for the Canadian hardcore band D.O.A. around the time of Hardcore '81. Jennings was actually the legal guardian of Chuck Biscuits and Ken “Dimwit” Montgomery’s for a while. Tom is shocked by the musical interests of these newsmen. Brock explains that they were all super creative, super left-of-center guys who felt totally hemmed in by having to wear a tie and read news copy. They needed a creative outlet. Dan Rather was actually a big movie buff. He wrote the Oscar-winning screenplay for Network -- Paddy Chayefsky just put his name on it. Tom thinks it sounds crazy. Brock says that Rather didn’t want the glory. He just craved the kick of writing.



Brock bets that Tom hasn't heard about the whole Wolf Blitzer/The Cars thing. He's right. In a nutshell, besides being the face of The Situation Room, Blitzer is also an incredibly accomplished guitar player. While cutting his teeth as a local anchor in Boston in the mid-1970s, he was also teaching guitar (possibly pro bono) to local musicians. One of his students was Elliot Easton. Wolf taught him everything he knew. Although it's heavily disputed, Blitzer says he came up with the guitar hooks for all of the first album and most of Candy-O. Blizter was miffed that he didn't get any publishing or even an album credit. Brock says the word "Candy-O" was Wolf’s term for a women’s private area. He asks Tom not to tell Paula Zahn since she'd probably have a bird.

Blizter stopped helping the band, which explains the lack of hooks or hits on Panorama. Tom always wondered why the hits dried up on that album. Brock says that “Touch and Go” would have been an outtake on Candy-O. Wolf admitted in an interview that the record was weak. Wolf was also really made at Ric Ocasek for his association with the Bad Brains. Ocasek produced Rock for Light and was waving the flag about discovering them. Brock says it's total BS. Wolf’s buddy Sam Donaldson discovered the Bad Brains. When Donaldson was stationed in DC in 1978, he used to hang out at a club called Madam’s Organ. He got to know HR, Daryl, Earl, and Doc, and he was the first guy to turn them on to reggae. This fact is barely known at all, and Brock certainly didn't see anything about it in American Hardcore. Donaldson took the guys to see Bob Marley open for Stanley Clarke at the Capitol Center. Tom wants to know the source of all this information. Brock says he gets it by subscribing to several inside news wire services that are kind of like Google Alert. The information is out there.

The Cars were lucky enough to hook up with Chris Matthews. He was also an accomplished axeman based in Boston. He wrote a lot of the latter-day stuff -- "Shake It Up", "Drive", and "You Might Think". Tom can't believe that the two benefactors of The Cars are Wolf Blizter and then Chris Matthews. Tom forgot one: Hall of Fame Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox catcher, Carlton Fisk. He programmed most of the drums for Door To Door, the band's final studio album. Contrary to popular belief, the band was not Ocasek- and Benjamin Orr-driven. Brock says that the guy in the ski mask told him that Ted Kennedy played bass on a lot of that stuff. Brock managed to lull Tom with stories of artistic newsmen to the point where he forgot that he’s the guy who has fights with himself. Tom has the feeling that Brock is the guy who is committing the crimes. Brock denies his involvement: "No I ain't." Tom asks him if he could see two men in the shoplifting mirror at Dame Lola's. Brock says they were standing so close to each other that it looked like one person. Tom thinks Brock is nuts -- a horrible person who is terrorizing the world by fighting his own urges.

Brock thinks Tom should look out because Ray Ray just told him what would happen next. Ray Ray is the guy in the ski mask. He said there's a DJ who’s being stalked by a creepy guy in a ski mask, and the creepy guy won't ever stop until he skins the DJ. Ray Ray is sort of there with Brock now. Brock sees him in the bathroom mirror. Tom tells Brock to put his hand up to his face. It doesn't feel like he's touching his face, but it looks like it in the mirrow. He sees one hand touching a ski mask, while the other hand holds the phone ... and a knife. Tom wonders why these guys find him. Brock explains it to the tune of "Let's Go" (including handclaps): the guys like the night life, baby, and she says, "You die."



- Tom doesn't know what kind of game Brock has put him in, but he does know (starts at 2:42) that he has the hott new issue of Autograph Collector, which features a cover story on the 10 best and worst sports signers. Before Tom can get into the magazine, Pete calls to cheer him up by saying that the freakish Brock doesn't have nothing on him, man. Tom Scharpling doesn't have to take any of that, man! Pete thinks Brock should start digging his own grave. Tom believes that Pete's support is another indicator that the world has gone topsy-turvy. In a turn of events that recalls My Bodyguard, Pete is now Tom's closest ally.

Tom reads a story about Adam West from the "In Person" section of the magazine. A reader recounted his brother's unsuccessful attempts to get an autograph from the actor. His letters were returned, and a request was denied at a Milwaukee mall appearance because West claimed a dog bit his hand. The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel dubbed West a "bitter Batman", but Tom thinks the paper should be reporting on more important issues. His brother drove to a convention in Chicago to get West to sign his great-grandfather's copy of The Bat. While waiting in line, he saw West refuse to sign many items, such as a door from the Batmobile. Tom is understandably confused about West's refusal to sign at a convention. West thumbed through the book, which he hadn't seen in many years. He read from it and argued that it inspired all of the Batman comics, films, and television shows. He signed the cover page. Tom isn't sure if he feels more sorry for the autograph seeker or Adam West, who apparently believes his signature is as valuable as gold or can heal people. Tom has a tip for securing this elusive autograph: send West a check for $2, so he can endorse the back of it.

Tom reviews the 10 Best and Worst sports lists. The worst list was topped by Kevin Garnett, who hasn't signed since his rookie year. He has been known to refuse to sign for young kids, telling them that they should be in school long after school is done for the day. He will also order them to leave the arena in search of HEROPS. Garnett even refuses to do paid signings. Tom believes that Garnett has the right to choose not to participate in the autograph industry. Tom laughs so hard at the description for fifth-worst Tony Stewart that he thought Christopher Hitchens wrote it. The write-up says the only Sharpie Stewart likes is the Sharpie 500 race. Stewart's fan club gets you 12 non-autographed items, but his website offers autographed mini-helmets and diecast cars for $175-$200. At Home Depot events, he refuses to converse with his fans. Tom's solution: don't be a fan of this jerk.

The lone lady on either list is Maria Sharapova. While she is considerably generous with schools and charities, Autograph Collector laments that she is tighter than catgut in a racket when it comes to signing autographs. Tom is certain that Bob Hope wrote that line, but he's not credited. A dealer said that Sharapova only signed the photos provided at her Macy's event. He was angry that she refused to sign any tennis memorabilia that he was hoping to sell for 11,000x its actual value. Some people say that the autograph collecting community is sad, but Tom is not one of those people. He thinks they seem like upstanding people. In a section called "Off The Wall", readers are asked to help identify the person in autographed head shots. These are sent in by people who collect autographs from any living humans. In the "Autograph All-Stars" section, Will Clark and Bernie Kosar are singled out as good signers. Tom decides to put the autograph collecting community on six months Best Show probation for wasting people's time. Tom wants the magazine removed from the studio.

My worst sport autograph experience was Lenny Dykstra, who refused to sign my program, punched me in the stomach, and called a woman next to me a "c". The nicest athlete was Ron Guidry, although I didn't appreciate him hitting on my cousin. She was eight at the time. Kind prevert-y.


On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Spike eulogizes Pookie Hudson, Denny Doherty, and "Bam Bam" Bigelow, Philly Boy Roy declares WAR on the FDE girl, Keith Garfinkle offers some insight into the hott new pillow-fighting leagues, and Tom delivers his first-ever Unfair Theater Review.

Now is the Winter of our Discotheque,
Made glorious Summer by this Son of Mork:
And all the clouds that lowr'd upon our house
In the deepe bosome of the Ocean buried.
Now are our browes bound with Victorious Wreathes,
Our bruised armes hung up for Monuments;
Our sterne Alarums chang'd to merry Meetings;
Our dreadfull Marches, to delightfull Measures.
      -- William "The Beard" Shakespeare, Richard III


For Terre T:

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