"You think The Queen's gonna take bad phone calls? She's drivin' a Range Rover. The Queen was runnin' things, the Queen don't stop." -- Tom, on the insatiable drive of his new hero
"Will you pretend that you're blind?" -- Tom, wondering how committed a caller is to defending his thesis as Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman
"As far as I'm concerned, it should be a penal colony." -- Spike, suggesting a better use for "Satan Island"
"Tom, I'm known down here. Kinda famous!" -- PBR, justifying his presence in "The Battle of the Philadelphians" stimulation
"I nudged him." -- Philly Boy Roy, helping Mike Schmidt get his groove back with a 9-volt battery
"He said he'd slice my stuff off." -- Philly Boy Roy, revealing the violent consequences of getting caught by his son
"You write a list out and you say the things you want, that way you don't end up with little miniature trees." -- Tom, counseling a youngster on the value of Christmas listmaking
"Right now all we have is dark-haired wigs." -- Paul F. Tompkins on Studio 60's barren wardrobe department
"It's better than people going out there and doing drugs or whatever they're gonna do. Smashing car windows or stealing apples." -- Paul F. Tompkins on the societal benefits of his weekly dice game
"When are you gonna to learn? You're the worst match fighter in the world!" -- Paul F. Tompkins on Philly Boy Roy's lack of skills
"You've never seen a one-year-old with such pure evil in its eyes." -- Paul F. Tompkins on Roy Jr's early turn to the darkside
"Hey youse guys, who stole my horse?" -- Philly Boy Roy, doing a dead-on John Wayne impression
"I'll do Bringing UP The House, how'dya like that?" -- Eugene Levy (via PFT), finally cashing in
"I'm not wrong. America's wrong on this one." -- Tom, trying to drum up support for Coke Blãk
"Wait, you're calling on a cordless phone? I never would have guessed. I thought you were in the room with me." -- Tom on the source of Laurie's crystal-clear connection
"Daddy needs some companionship, and you know what they say about those dancers." --Trip Whiting, requesting a .jpg of choreographer Twyla Sharp
"For all anyone knows, he's like a dog or possibly even a beanbag chair." -- Trip Whiting on the shapeshifting criminal pornograher John E. Cash
"And if you win, guess where the money comes out?" -- Trip Whiting on the victory spout in the GG Allin slot machines
"It's such a shame that someone slipped him that stuff in his Perrier that final night." -- Trip Whiting on the untimely demise of a clean GG Allin
"Merle, no! Merle, no! Merle, noooooo ....." -- Trip Whiting, begging for mercy
Deerhoof - "The Perfect Me"
( Click here to pre-order Friend Opportunity)
The Leather Uppers - "My Baby"
( Click here to buy Living In The Future)
The Clears - "Ties Me Up"
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The Oblivians - "Bad Man"
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Jay Reatard - "It's So Useless"
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Live from the gasoline alley behind the meat-packing district, here's the annotated highlights of a closed-phones Tuesday:
Hello, everybody, yeah, puttin' on my Axe body spray with my new turtleneck on, suckin' it off 2007 style. Just takin' the wrapper off the lollipop, ready to suck this recap off. But first, it's time to get up in Omar's New Year's Resolutions:
1. STOP sipping cheap scotch on my dirty linoleum floor.
2. REDUCE the number of times I "try" heroin.
3. BE NICER to gypsies. And Stanley. BUT CONTINUE TO not take any s hit from magicians.
4. SECURE eight-episode series order (animated/live-action satire called Who Framed Roger Ailes) from Comedy Central. CONVINCE Doug Herzog to run the program in six different time slots, preferably post-1 a.m. as a lead-out for, say, PCU airings. GET canceled sans any fanfare + no plans for a DVD release. LEAK entire series + one "bonus episode" (ft. special guests Ken Davitian and Count Chunkula magazine's Henry Owings ... wrestling) to torrents to gain cult fandom among (alt.)comedy nerds/power brokers. NEGOTIATE rerun rights with The Shout! Network. SELL DVD rights to Criterion for $58,500. RECORD commentary tracks with cast members "JT Leroy", Alton Brown, Melanie Hutsell, Troy Renfro, Nick Bakay, Kari Wuhrer, Dave Higgins, Annabelle Gurwitch, and, of course, Judah Friedlander.
(A 6th resolution was fulfilled on 5 January: I finally had that "deep fudge" vinyl siding installed. Thanks, Hal!)
- Dan in San Diego calls (starts at 25:13) to say he's been celebrating a new year of The Best Show by using the 2006 archives as fuel for finishing his doctoral dissertation on the Hepatitis C virus. Dan momentarily morphs into Pudge and calls his work boring, but Tom disputes the dullness. Regardless of its level of intrigue, Dan enjoys hearing all of Tom's zingers while he pours over his research and crafts his thesis. He didn't make any official New Year's Resolutions, but he's trying to behave more like an adult by not spending too much time on video games and maintaining his focus for 2007. Tom will take it, but he also gives Dan permission to have a good ol' time in the hott new arcade section of the FOT site. Stack The Cats!
Dan will defend his dissertation in early February by presenting the final written document and, two weeks later, giving an oral presentation to his thesis committee. During this event, Dan plans to yell at the top of his lungs with a bad Southern accent like Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman. Dan does not confirm or deny that he will fake blindness and stumble into the room. Tom thinks that he might be able to get Chris O'Donnell to attend the defense and enhance the spectacle. As a follow-up to his one-man Roadhouse, Tom is considering performing the entirety of Scent of a Woman on the air. I think Tom could really bring new flavor and nuance to those hearty "hoo-ha"s. I'd also be very interested in his spin on the Gabrielle Anwar character.
Phantom of the Basement: A young Spike dons the mask for the first time as an eager slave hovers in the background
- Spike calls (starts at 28:46) in a voice that doesn't pass Tom's inspection. He immediately detects an alteration that he attributes to the insertion of new bridge. Spike did not get a new bridge, but he does confirm that he had some dental work done a few weeks ago. Tom concludes that he's got a Don Kirshner-like ear for phone calls. Since he's reached the level where he can hear subtle dental differences in Spike's speaking, Tom briefly considers quitting the show. Spike's New Year Resolution is to lose some weight, and he likes Tom's suggestion of a gym membership. Tom hopes he joins because he'd love to see a documentary (let's get Jeff Feuerzeig -- or at least The Long Walk To New York crew -- on this) with footage of Spike in his current girth eating his usual slop, then going to the gym, changing his eating habits, doing one-armed push-ups, and becoming a lean, mean discipline machine. Spike really likes the sound of that and proves it by unveiling his scaaaaaaaaaaary 2007 laugh.
Spike also resolves to move to another basement apartment in a new neighborhood, preferably still in Queens. Unfortunately, Spike does not divulge any details about the problems with his current neighborhood. I imagine the other tenants in his building have lodged many complaints about the excessively loud doo-wop (Frankie Lymon, The Orioles, TV On The Radio) rising from his apartment when he's pulling an all-nighter to finish the copy for his new Masters magazine ad by deadline. I've actually perused a few of these ads, and I found them to be surprisingly well-written. The prose style reminded me of a cross between the gritty rat-a-tat of Jim Ellroy and the Necronomicon. Tom wants to know which burroughs Spike is not permitted to enter, and Spike says that he's allowed in all of them except "Satan Island", his nickname for Staten Island. He's legally permitted to go there, but he chooses to avoid it because there's nothing there for him. In fact, he thinks it could be better used as a penal colony. Spike is unimpressed by Hylan Boulevod, but does take some refuge in their mall. This revelation is at odds with Spike's previous claims that he doesn't do malls of any kind. He says he will occasionally go to them to make specific purchases.
Tom imagines that Spike skulks around the mall wearing a cape and hat like Orson Welles in F For Fake. Spike says he dresses in his normal, everyday clothes, but doesn't elaborate on what makes up his standard wardrobe. Tom can also picture a Phantom of the Opera mask as part of his ensemble, but Spike doesn't wear masks when he goes out in public. Tom wants to know the types of masks police would find if they raided his residence and cataloged all of his gear. Spike claims to own the masks of his slasher heroes -- Chucky, the Jason hockey mask, Michael Myers, Freddy Kreuger, Nurse Sleaze, and Leatherface. Spike says that he wears these masks "once in a blue moon", but only in the darkness of the dungeon. Tom assumes that the guy at the costume shop loves to see Spike ding-a-ling into the store for a guaranteed sale. Spike agrees and says that the clerks don't counsel him against using the masks for ill purposes. Spike tells them what he wants, they get it, they process the transaction, and don't ask questions. Tom declares Spike a professional, and he's certain the costume shop man appreciates his efficiency and focus when shopping for disguises.
President Eightball: 13-year-old Roy, Jr., standing at the Philadelphia summit a few weeks into his "growth-enhancing" regimen
- A caller performs (starts at 34:34) the Rocky theme music and wishes Tom a Happy New Year. Tom guesses that it's Philly Boy Roy since he's been leading off his calls with the same tune for several weeks. PBR doesn't recall his prior on-air renditions. Tom provides a summary of PBR's predicament when we last heard from him two weeks ago. He was behind bars after being arrested for burning down the Ritz 5 theater while match fighting mere hours before the premiere of Rocky Balboa. He used his lone call to provide his promised update on The Best Show and then watched his son, clad in a police uniform complete with badge, hat, and pistol, sell Roxboro marching powder to Officer Harrups. Roy, Jr. then left the police station -- and his father. PBR says that the events were maybe something like that.
Tom is interested to find out how he managed to get out of jail, so PBR tells him the same thing he told KYW news. He first said "Pass, next question", and then explained that it was all a big misunderstanding -- there was no match fight, no nothin'. Tom tries to confirm that none of it actually happened, but PBR wants a definition for "happen". Tom asks him if the match fight took place, but PBR passes and wants to move on to the next question. Tom passes on that because he's not conducting an interview. PBR did get to see Rocky Balboa despite being banned from all local theaters. They all posted a picture of him, so he had to travel to Delaware to see the film. His legendary rambunctious behavior during theatrical screenings (see: the Ziegler clan dancing down the aisles during the "Funk 49" sequence in Invincible this past August) plus the rumor of the match fight proved to be too much for his home state exhibitors. Tom reminds him that he also burned Ol' Winston, the Ritz 5's 80-year-old usher. PBR says that Tom lacks the requisite evidence to prove this charge.
Tom also saw the film, presumably without having to leave New Jersey, so PBR brings up the ending with various everyday slobs recreating Rocky's legendary ascent by runnin' up the steps of the Philadelphia Musuem of Art. PBR says that Roy, Jr. must have ditched school that day because he appears in the montage drinking a 40 oz. Tom points out that he's only 13, but PBR says that they must have thought he was of age because he had a thick mustache going. PBR explains that Roy, Jr. has been taking what he calls "growth enhancers". PBR is scared to do anything about it because Roy Jr.'s 5' 6" frame has blossomed into the buff old body of recent Jack LaLanne. The supplements have somehow aged his body much like Oldzonareveren, the rapid-aging drug that Brendan Fraser took for his role in President Baseball. PBR highly recommends the film, but Tom thinks it sounds too predictable. PBR admits to being kinda wigged out about Roy's Jr.'s chemically-aided transformation.
PBR asks Tom if he remembers the video stimulation sequence in Rocky Balboa. Tom informs him that it's actually a "simulation", and PBR says there's something like that going on down in Philadelphia right now. In the film, ESPN ran "Then and Now", a show featuring simulated matches between fighters from different eras. One of the fontasy bouts put Balboa in his prime against current heavyweight champ, Mason "The Loin" Dixon. WCAU Channel 10 is now running computer stimulations in a contest called "The Battle of the Philadelphians". The winner will be crowned the greatest Philadelphian of all-time. PBR already won his first round match, and Tom wonders how PBR was even one of the contestants. PBR reminds Tom that he's kinda famous down there. Tom thinks he's just a regular guy, and PBR fires up the "what" sireen to express his disagreement. He thinks Tom's kidding because he believes he's a God-in-training, especially after his victory in the annual Running of the Cheesesteaks back in July. In his first-round match, PBR defeated the West Philly serial killer, Joseph (Gary?) Heidnik. Tom's glad he defeated a killer, and PBR says that Heidnik was awful and not a nice guy. PBR explains that in the early rounds of the competition, some of the combatants are simply "famous" Philadelphians, whereas someone like him is part of the "best" category.
PBR warns everybody to look out for his battle against Ben Franklin next week. PBR is very confident that he will beat Franklin, even though he's done a lot of cool stuff over the years. Tom asks PBR if he's helped found any countries. PBR says "not really", which Tom recommends downgrading to a straight "no". PBR touts some of the cool stuff he's done by taking Tom back to 1981. He helped Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt get more serious about his playing during a game against the Cincinnati Reds. PBR "nudged" Schmidt from his seat in the upper deck with a 9-volt battery. It hit the slugger in a place that probably can't be said on the radio, but PBR does it anyway: in the front and below the belt. PBR is taking credit for improving his game because prior to the nudge, Schmidt was dogging it. He was a respectable 1-for-3 with a homer, but it was clear to PBR that his mind was elsewhere. PBR was also on one of his first dates with Rhoda, so he was kinda showboatin' like Purple Shirt on a skating rink. He whipped the battery at Schmidt, and the drunken crowd got really excited about it. Schmidt hit another home run and the Phillies won.
In case Tom doesn't think that was impressive enough to overpower Ben Franklin, PBR says that he also shot the moon at the audience at every Blue Oyster Cult show from 1981-1986. He was hoisted up on stage by his buds and ended up tripping over the monitors four times. PBR is convinced that his antics helped the band play better. When PBR unleashed his final mooning, Buck Dharma's face was in a scowl, but PBR could tell that he was secretly into it. Eric Bloom's face registered more rage, but PBR determined that he was excited by his presence. Tom wonders if PBR is projecting his own feelings onto the band members, but PBR doesn't think so.
Speaking of projecting things, PBR projects a big win for nem Iggles on January 7th. He's certain that they will smear the Giants in the first round of the NFL playoffs. Tom suggests a friendly wager on the game, but PBR does him one better: an unfriendly wager. If nem Iggles win, Tom has to run from Newbridge to Philadelphia, traversing the Italian Market, Center City, and then bound the steps just like Roy, Jr. did. While running, Tom must alternate singing the following three songs:
1. "Gonna Fly Now (Theme From Rocky)"
2. The Hooters' "And We Danced"
3. "Davy Jones' Watercooler", a rare b-side from Drexel Hill's unsung, mid-1980s band, Psychotic Norman
Tom's never heard of this big-time Philadephia song, which PBR can understand because he remembers that Tom is a hopeless Philadummy. If the Iggles lose, PBR will deliver the Liberty Bell to Tom in New Jersey. (Considering PBR's history with sports bets, the chances of him making good on this one are pretty low.) This important symbol of American independence is currently in the Ziegler basement. As of a few days ago, a fake bell resides in its normal resting place. Roy, Jr, picked up the real one the other day at 3 a.m. by enlisting the help of a crane and some policemen. Roy, Jr. has become the leader of the local police force because he's got something on most of them, as well as PBR. While PBR remains a God-in-training, Roy, Jr. has already achieved God status. PBR is scared because if Roy, Jr. catches him on the phone talking about the Liberty Bell with Tom, he vowed to slice his stuff off. Tom says that the threat indicates a very troubling dynamic with his son. PBR hopes his relationship with his son and life in general will get better and allow him to not be so scared. PBR says he will call next week to talk about the bet, and Tom thinks he sounds terrified. PBR signs off with an assessment of his current situation: "I don't like it."
Uh oh. Iggles 23 Giants 20. I guess Tom is gonna run to Philadelphia now. I hope he can hunt down that Psychotic Norman track so he can learn the words.
- Unlike Roy, Jr., 13-year-old Adam from Portland, Oregon, appeared to be completely free of any chemicals and engaged (starts at 52:27) Tom in a pleasant chat. He's not scared of the local street trash, who don't beg him for money, but do play their guitars. Tom tells him to watch out for this scary lot of weirdos. Adam returned to school today, but he failed to honor President Ford. Tom is upset that there was no talk about this American hero. In lieu of any Ford retrospectives, Adam watched his science teacher dissect a real beef heart. Tom thinks that sounds really gross, but Adam thought it was really cool.
Adam's New Year's Resolution is to properly care for the four bonsai he received for Christmas. Tom suspects these were dud gifts given to him by people who were not listening to his actual requests. Tom stresses the importance of writing a list to ensure a good haul and avoid getting miniature trees. Adam pretends that they are actually cool because one of the people who gave him a tree is listening, and he doesn't want to hurt there feelings. Since he's stuck with this little forest, he vows to keep it alive and thriving by doing the requisite trimming and training the trees to do tricks with wire. Tom suggests another potential resolution: don't ask for the trees this year. This young Mr. Miyagi-in-training got into bonsai via his stepdad and is currently the guardian of an 18-year-old tree. Tom found Adam's botanical tale to be very elaborate, very interesting, and very New Year's Resolution-y.
Paradise by the vacuum light: Funnyman Paul F. Tompkins takes down toys ... and illegal immigrants
- The famous (and dandy) comedian Paul F. Tompkins calls (starts at 56:45) to chat about comedy, Congress, Christianity, comics, and ComiX. Tom calls him an Hall of Famer, which PFT likes because while he secretly refers to himself that way, he'd never have the guts to say it out loud. Tom views comedy much like the political scene. If Congress was equated to the comedy world, PFT would be a big shot Senator who was entrusted to chair several key committees. On the other hand, Tom feels that he would be the equivalent of a lowly House member from Hawaii who constantly had his legitimacy questioned by his 434 colleagues. (Tom and PFT both favor extending the current House term of two years to something closer to 10 in order to get more value from their representatives.)
PFT thinks that Tom could become a congressman in the mold of the exciting, charismatic Matt Santos from The West Wing. Like Santos, Tom wouldn't take or give any bull s hit and would set out to shake things up in Washington. In other words, he'd emerge as a populist straight shooter. PFT points out the inherent perils of straight shooting: people think they want a straight shooter, but when they are confronted with one, they initially reject the new gunslinger's accuracy. However, after they experience the straight shooting, they start to admire the skill and embrace the new form as they way things should be. People who are used to the typical beltway insiders often need some crooked shooting to balance things out as they recalibrate their political scopes.
In addition to his fine work in the Senate, Tompkins is beloved by many for his run on the Home Box Office laffer Mr. Show. He delivered Tom's favorite moment on the program during the "Indomitable Spirit" sketch. During a dispute about a former band member's drumming ability, PFT stands up to clarify the situation, but manages to get every fact completely wrong. Tom loves the comedy of someone who attempts to fix something, but ends up making it a little bit worse. PFT touts the related joy of watching stupid people being arrogant about what they refuse to understand. PFT says his time on Mr. Show was so much better than the show he's writing for now. He just got hired as a staff writer for NBS's Friday night sketch/variety show, Studio 60 on the Sunset Trip.
PFT started a few weeks ago because former roomrunners Ricky Tahoe and Ron Oswald bolted to pursue their Peripheral Vision Man pilot with Fox. Ricky and Ron always had a bad relationship with Matt Albie, who started as a writer on the show in 1997. He left to do movies, but returned prior to this season as the executive producer/head writer. While his presence led to a creative and critical renaissance for the show, the friction with Ricky and Ron intensified. PFT doesn't see how the three-minute PVM sketches could be expanded into an ongoing series, but somehow Ricky and Ron made it happen and took the bulk of the writing staff (including Mr. Show's John Ennis!) with them. Only two writers remain: a cute British girl ("green as hell" per PFT) and an African-American man. This former fledgling stand-up comic was plucked from obscurity after Albie and cast member Simon Stiles saw him do a mediocre but inoffensive set at an L.A. comedy cub. While this duo plus PFT seems like a skeleton crew, it's deceptive because Matt can generally write the entire show by himself. Matt and producer/showrunner Danny Tripp also brought in writing consultant Andy Mackinaw, a former writer on the show who is starting to emerge from his depressive funk after his wife and daughter died in a horrific car accident.
PFT technically hasn't gotten any sketches on the air yet, but he's been giving his ideas to Matt, who then crafts them into brilliant sketch comedy. For example, PFT wrote something about a fundamentalist Christian who had his brain implanted into a robot body. Matt turned that nugget into a hilarious, searing indictment of fundamental Christianity. The finished product was 99% Matt; 1% PFT. Matt, an agnostic Jew, has a knack for taking PFT's material in exciting, unexpected directions within the framework of fundamental Christianity. This approach has caused an uproar in the media -- specifically a controversial sketch called "Crazy Christians" -- because Harriet Hayes, the show's star and "News 60" co-anchor, is open about her devout Christianity. Other Albie jabs include the game show parody "Science Schmience" in which religious contestants refuse to accept scientific explanations for natural phenomena. Tom mentions that the show also does some fun parodies like the recurring "The Nicholas Cage Show". PFT says that after all three writers pitch jokes for the Cage pieces, Matt processes them through his comedy filter and writes all of it by himself. Matt also wrote the breakout sketch "Pimp My Trike", but PFT did get a couple of jokes in that one.
I'm hoping that PFT can steer Albie a bit more towards the lighter stuff, which I prefer to the high-brow stuff like the Commedia dell'arte sketches. While I enjoy improvisational 16th-century Italian theater as much as the next person, it doesn't really work in the comedy format. The elaborate period costumes tend to overshadow the writing and the performance by that Hot Girl.
Tom wants to know if PFT favors writing for a particular cast member. PFT especially likes writing for the Chubby Guy Who Does The Characters. He feels bad about forgetting his name because he's so funny. He's particularly adept at screaming and yelling. PFT once tried to write a straight-man role for him, but he was very uncomfortable with it, preferring to escape into the safety of his characters. Tom points out that once you get past "The Big Three" -- Tom Jeter, Harriet Hayes, and Stiles -- there is a big drop-off in terms of screen time and recognition. PFT says that nobody really knows the other cast members' names, which are never said aloud. PFT says that the Hot Girl's name might begin with an "R" and sometimes an Asian Girl will appear in a sketch. The cast is rounded out by the Utility Guy who does Nicolas Cage and other dark-haired impressions like Tom Cruise and Ben Stiller. Tom thinks his limited range might be due to a wig shortage. PFT speculates that the old writing staff may have pilfered the wardrobe department on the way out. After hearing PFT on The Best Show, I think he would be great on some "News 60" segments. Also: I just read the galleys for Confessions of a Network Husband: My Life With Jordan McDeere, the self-published tell-all written by the embattled NBS President's ex-husband. In a nutshell: Jack Rudolph is gonna flip out and the Chinaman will not be pleased either. Total s hitstorm.
Tom promotes PFT's upcoming appearance in a live setting in NYC's mysterious "meat-packing district". He will be headlining stand-up comedy shows at ComiX (pronounced by riding out that "x" for some extra sibilance). PFT is concerned about the venue's logo and says he will head right back to JFK airpot if the C and X do not appear in enlarged font on the club's signage. If they can't produce a simple logo, PFT will know that they are not seriously about making money and probably won't have a mic, seats, or running water inside. Tom wonders if PFT is worried that some people might be confused by the club's name and show up for looking for riffs about "Gasoline Alley". This will not be a problem because PFT covers both traditional stand-up fans and fans of strips like "Mary Worth" by ripping his act fresh from the Sunday funnies. He does Mort Sahlesque routines where he actually takes the comics section of the newspaper on stage and reads "Hi and Lois" to the audience. Once they've digested the strip, PFT will make his own observations about what went went down in the panels. Tom likes this approach because he can't think of anything more fresh-perked than something that requires a date stamp in the corner because it was drawn four months ago. PFT doesn't know how they keep pumping out the great strips, but he thinks the funnies are better now they they've ever been. Tom agrees and thinks it's just a matter of trying to decide which one is the funniest. PFT says it's often an 18-way tie for first with "Drabble", "Mutts", and "The Family Circus" jockeying for the top spot.
Tom hates the blameshifting ghostly imps that appear on "The Family Circus" to mess with the kids. PFT recognizes this as the vengeful spirit "Not Me", which causes some confusion. Tom thought that PFT was making a distinction between himself and the actual cartoon figure, but he was actually pointing out that the ghost in question has "Not Me" written on its torso. Tom was also thrown by the sound of tumbling dice in the background. This was the rumble of the dice game that PFT hosts very Tuesday in his living room. He wishes that Tom would come to L.A. on a Tuesday because he loves to shoot dice with his neighborhood pals. In addition to the thrill of gambling, PFT uses the games as a community outreach program since it's better than people going out and doing rails, smashing car windows, or stealing apples. PFT will buzz anyone up because he can sense that it's the guys from what he jokingly refers to as his "Dice League".
Tom thinks it's possibly that the ComiX crowd will be full of guys with bloody, meat-stained clothes. PFT says everyone is welcome in any attire as long as they fulfill the two-drink minimum. Paul uses some industry lingo to say that he'll be performing "Thursday through Saturday", so Tom clarifies that he will be doing shows on Thursday, Friday, and then Saturday. Tom explains that sometimes he has to back things up a bit so people like Spike can follow along. PFT gives Spike some props for his casual comedy drop-ins like tonight's "Satan Island". He thinks this is the hallmark of a good performer. PFT is particularly fond of the Spike's use of "Snoop Kitty Kat" when referring to Snoop Dogg. This one is a bit more of a slow-burn, and it took some time for PFT to fully appreciate its cleverness. PFT thinks Spike may oversell "Séance", peeling back the craftsmanship a bit too much with the "or whatever she's called" addendum.
Pyromania: An unknown matchfighter demonstrates a trick move that is sure to revolutionize the sport on both coasts
- PBR returns (starts at 1:14) with a question for PFT: "Pat's or Geno's?" PFT doesn't seem that happy to hear the voice of this blast from the past because he moved to L.A. and tried to leave his old life behind. PBR urges PFT not to deny his Philadelphia roots, but PFT is proud to say that he grew up in the suburb of Mount Airy, which is between Chestnut Hill and Germantown. PBR seems impressed and says he's never even been there. He's only heard tale of it. Tom thinks PBR is using phrasing like some weird, old guy, but PBR says he's just cultured. He doesn't like the notion that you can't be cultured if you hail from Roxboro.
Speaking of culture, PFT is glad that PBR called because he was excited to take his girlfriend on her first trip to Philadelphia for the Rocky Balboa premiere. He bought a first-class ticket, and they planned to see the film on Christmas. However, when they arrived, they were told that the Ritz 5 burned to the ground. PBR says he heard about that, too. PFT heard about it on The Best Show. Tom tells PBR that he's the one who burned it down, but PBR says Tom can't prove that no more. PFT thinks this is classic Roy Ziegler and dredges up some old truths about PBR's woeful match fighting skills. In fact, PFT declares PBR the worst match fighter in the world. PBR says he defeated PFT once, but that was because he used a long fireplace match that did not meet regulation. Tom is still skeptical about the legitimacy of match fighting because he sees none of it in Newbridge. PFT confirms that it's huge in Philly, where there are actual leagues. PFT took the sport to L.A., and PBR wants to know if it's taken off like "wildfire". PFT admits that PBR pulled a good one from his canister of quips and snaps.
PFT says it's going well. He's had match fights with celebrities like Mickey Rourke, the late Robert Reed, and, most recently, half the cast of The O.C. Rachel Bilson won. PFT says he does things like match fights to shine the spotlight on his hometown's cultural offerings. PBR wants him to continue in this tradition by bringing him out for some screen tests. PFT is a bit concerned about PBR's potential behavior, and his place may not be big enough for a guest. PBR says PFT has to put him up because he did it for PFT for a couple of months back in 1992. PFT wants to know why money disappeared from his wallet every night during his stay. PBR explains this phenomenon by citing Roy, Jr's law: "When the pants hit the floor for longer than five minutes, then anything goes." (Kind of a domestic variant on Mr. Coatcheck's finders-keepers policy.)
PFT points out that this law was passed shortly after Roy, Jr. tried to blame the heists on sleepwalking. At this time, Roy, Jr. was only one, but PBR was already under his spell and would rob people on his command. Paul says he had never seen a one-year-old display such pure evil in its eyes. PBR thinks the devilish glint was pretty impressive, and Paul agrees. PBR is very proud of Paul and looks forward to landing a spot on Studio 60. Paul holds an impromptu audition to assess PBR's character work. PBR leads with a New York accent: "Hey, youse guys. Youse wanna go over and see the Mets play? Let's jump on the subway." PFT erupts in laughter; he and Tom both think it's dead-on. Next up is John Wayne: "Hey, youse guys. Who stole my horse?" PFT loves it, but as perfect as it was, he wants to hear some more current celebrities. PBR offers an impression of the British comic actor Monty Python: "You must get a shrubbery, youse guys, or you don't get to come back here no more." PBR scores again. PFT says that if he can videotape these performances and send it to him, he will give it to Albie and Tripp tonight. PBR will upload it to YouseTube. PBR has to run so he can have Roy, Jr. get him a video camera somehow. PFT doesn't want to know the details of the transaction. PBR tells PFT that he'll see him next week and signs off by needling Tom with the impersonal, passive-aggressive "Goodbye, host."
PFT feels bad for people who will miss the shows at ComiX and teases some of his intended topics: toppling the mighty, dressing down organized religion, things he's overheard on the street, and new fathers. Tom once saw PFT do a 15-minute rant on Gerald Ford, but it's been retired after 10 years. It always killed because when Ford was alive, everyone hated him. Six months ago, audience members were calling for PFT to take that dude down, but now that he's dead, people think history proved that he healed the nation after the Watergate debacle. PFT used to encourage that kind of audience participation ("Tackle that subject, Paul!" was another common cry) to create a Baptist revival church atmosphere, but now PFT prefers a nice balance with him talking and the audience listening to him. Tom points out that this makes sense because his name is on the marquee. PFT says that the live mic and spotlight also make it seem reasonable for him to be the one speaking. Tom also cites the fact that PFT is generally the only person without a chair, which further aids stand-up comedy.
Tom wants to hear about PFT's worst heckler. PFT says a guy once yelled, "You stink." PFT threw a "You stink" back at him. The guy then said that he was going to seduce PFT's mother and break up his parents' marriage. Paul was skeptical because his parents had been happily married for 50 years, but the guy did it. He got him. Tom says he might move that out of the heckler category, but PFT keeps it there because there's no comeback for his accomplishment and he got the audience on his side. The heckler got the names and e-mail addresses of everyone in the crowd that night and sent them updates on his seduction. They all sent PFT e-mails informing him that the heckler was living with his mother and his father moved out to become a drunk. Despite the end result, Paul admires the skill of the heckler. He came to play.
Tom is relieved that he only has to deal with the guy pretending to be a disciplinarian. PFT wonders if Spike is really pretending, but Tom is pretty sure that he's weaving fontasies within an alternate life where he gets to control people after coming home from his menial his government job. He fleshes out his fictional world while he sits in his basement apartment with a moist ceiling because his upstairs neighbor's tub overflowed. His furniture consists of a little table that he found on his street and an orange crate in front of a big radio and a television with rabbit ears or, perhaps, stolen cable. Faced with this dreary reality, Spike's left with no alternative but to create a fontasyland where he has power over people. PFT thinks this almost sounded bleak, but it was rescued by the possibility that Spike would be technologically savvy enough to run a splitter through his three-panel basement window. PFT wants to believe that he's more like a Batman of the bondage world -- government worker by day, but an actual dominator by night. The Droopy Dog lilt gives way to a more stentorian voice, and Spike wears a cool PotO-style mask so nobody will ever know that he works in the shipping/receiving department. PFT compares this to a scenario in which a supervillain like Ra's al Ghul spent his days stamping things and nobody took him seriously. Tom needs to chew on it a bit more.
Tom wonders why Spike wouldn't just go full-time on the night gig, but PFT points out that the wealthy Batman still clings to the Bruce Wayne alter-ego even though it's just a constant inconvenience. If Tom got superpowers, he would, of course, be Tom Scharpling, Superhero. Everyone would know who he was, where he lived, and what he did. His friends and family would be on their own, because they should have known what was going down when that truck pulled up and poured those weird chemicals on him. In this dynamic, the regular people are forced to cloak themselves in secret identities because they are associated with a visible superhero. Tom doesn't think getting a P.O. Box for mail delivery and paying bills online is that hard considering he's going around saving people. Tom didn't mention it in the segment, but he's previously said that his outfit would be a finely-tailored suit as an homage to PFT's sartorial splendor. PFT totally supports the scheme and thinks Tom should give it to the guys at Marvel and DC. (I think this would be right up Stan Lee's alley, although the new issue of The Comics Journal reports that he's currently tied up with Timmy von Trimble's "Mega-Man" comic.)
Tom also had an idea for a comic starring anti-superhero comic scribe Harvey Pekar. In a twist worthy of O. Henry, Pekar would be cursed with superpowers, forcing him out of his mundane, Midwestern existence. Tom's inspiration came from reading the dull new issues of "American Splendor", which are clear evidence that Pekar's story ideas have completely dried up. One issue focused on his trip to the store to buy cookies for his wife, Joyce. He decided give the oatmeal ones a try. The end. In the past, Pekar could draw material from his job and quirky co-workers, but now he's writing about the life of a guy who writes about his life. PFT wants to know how he liked the oatmeal cookies, but this was a cliffhanger for the next issue. Tom also read a story about Pekar's sleeping difficulties. He kept waking up, but then the cat came in the room and slept on his chest. It helped him relax and then he took his meds. The end. Tom paid $3 for the book, but wants $4 for reading its contents. PFT gives Tom the idea of doing doing FDR-style Fireside Chats with new issues of "American Splendor". He wants Tom to throw down the gauntlet to Pekar and inspire him to step it up. Tom's ultimate goal is to infuriate Pekar to the point where he drives from Cleveland on a Sunday night and meets him for an on-air fight on Tuesday. PFT thinks he might still be weak from cancer treatments, but according to one of the boring stories Tom read, he's healthy again.
One epic tale involved Pekar desperately trying to get pizzaid by The New York Times for a story he did. After eight pages and back-and-forth, the artist on the piece called him to say he accidentally got paid double. He called it even because Pekar owed him for some previous illustration. The end. PFT and Tom lament that the glorious union of storytelling and visuals has, in this case, regressed to where an artist has to come up with a visually arresting way to present a bridge troll prowling for cookies in aisle 8 of Safeway. While Pekar was an influential figure in the comics world, Tom thinks it might be time for him to exit the stage a la Rocky Balboa. PFT has a fontasy comic where Pekar in his prime and circa-now Warren Ellis have to tell stories in five minutes. Tom says it's kind of like a computer stimulation, and it reminds him of his favorite movie line of 2006: "That computer simulation's got people talking.", fromRocky Balboa. Tom points out that the show would air at 2 p.m. on ESPN (my guess is that it would run on "The Ocho") and pull in 75,000 viewers if it was broadcast in the real world.
Tom tells PFT it was a joy having him on the program, and PFT returns the favor by saying it was a treat to be on the air because The Best Show gives him multi-platform laffs at home, at the gymnasium, and in the car.
Tom declares PFT the #1 comic in the game in an attempt to recapture the spirit of "The Sammy Maudlin Show". PFT thinks that Joe Flaherty should launch TSMS as a real show and help Eugene Levy break free from the straight-to-video American Pie racket. Tom remembers hearing that Levy had to be wooed to appear in the first American Pie film, but now he's actually suggesting the DVD sequels. PFT and Tom conclude that Levy probably feels like he took his lumps with the $900/week gig on SCTV, so it's his turn to cash in with American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile without any fear that it will appear on his tombstone. He's already done his life's work and can rest comfortably in the Hall of Fame.
PFT will listen to this installment of The Best Show at the gym and laugh out loud at himself. His presence might even spur him to go one extra mile on the elliptical machine ("Just feet this time -- no arms!").
- "Roy, Jr." calls (starts at 1:43) to submit his New Year's Resolution, but Tom gives this Undergroundling mutant the option to hang up with his dignity intact. He chooses to tempt fate by saying he wants to quit drinking in 2007, so Tom GOMPs him. Tom hopes he was calling long distance on a pricey plan because he was on hold for an hour and deserves to pay $26 for the disgusting travesty.
- A mystery guest wearing a big furry coat delivers (starts at 1:58) a
Christmas holiday present for Tom from the FOT Chat. He's a bit scared to open it because he's forsaken the Chat. Tom suspects it might be a five-pound Hershey's bar, but it's a sound effects machine that will allow the show to achieve the magic of Jim Cramer's Mad Money. Tom doesn't like it. He loves it and fears that he may cry on the air. (He doesn't.) Tom will bring a 9-volt battry next week to nudge the show into full-on auditory glory.
Tom also got a package from the guys from Goshen who tormented the show this past summer. It contained a t-shirt that says I ♥ Goshen and a note declaring that the war is over. Winner: The Best Show. Tom did not send any I ♥ The Best Show clothing up to Goshen.
This Coke is Blãknot: Tom hopes to educate the American people for make glorious benefit to this beverage's longevity
- Tom reveals (starts at 2:11) his New Year's Resolution: he will redouble his efforts to keep Coke Blak on the shelves. The effervescent coffee drink spoke to Tom at first taste, but he's under the impression that it's a total flop because it's nowhere to be found. Tom passed by a Beverage Center with cases of drinks stacked to the sky. He drove in and asked the guy for some Coke Blãk, but they got rid of it due to poor sales. Tom didn't enjoy being made to feel like a pariah for wanting an energy burst before his show. Tom think that America is wrong about this drink. Tom think his pre-show Coke Blãk consumption is responsible for the W-in-progress, while the "L"s are Coke Blãk-free programs. Tom wants everyone to get on board and rally Coke Blãk to a retail comeback. While Tom doesn't usually traffic in social issues, but he finally found a cause. Mike the Associate Producer has no interest in joining the crusade. Tom points out that the drink is flexible because as long as you like coffee or soda, you'll love it.
Speaking of coffee, Tom calls upon Henry Rollins' Smile, You're Traveling (Black Coffee Blues, Part III) for some wisdom for the final stretch of the show. Tom finds the strength he craves:
"Either you break it, or it breaks you. It's one or the other, so you deal with it. Either the audience owns you or you own them. I trust the road because it will never be my good friend. It's always there, but it will kill you if you stay on it long enough, and it will not care. It never says it likes you. It always says it will be there, but doesn't exactly take out ads proclaiming its sincere intentions on your behalf. It just waits for you to take your shot and expire en route."
- Mark, a recent convert to The Best Show, calls (starts at 2:07) to report some weird weather patterns in the 416. He suffered through an unseasonably damp and miserable Christmas and New Year's without any snow. Mark claims that 9 degrees Celsuis (48 F) reminds him of the winters he spent in Monroe, LA. Tom calls him on trying to be a weisenheimer by bending the Lousiana climate to fit his needs. In this case, Mark is following in the tradition of Toronto-based humorist like Dan Akaroyd and Mike Myers.
Mark started digging through the archives like gangbusters last week, and he wonders why more people don't call the show. He found the process of very easy. Tom puts the question to the audience and wonders what it's like to get called out by a Canadian. While The Best Show is done for worldwide consumption, Tom would like Americans to have a sense of nationalistic pride about their homegrown radio. In other words, he wants Americans to feel the same way aboot this show as Mark would feel about Hart of the Annex, Prank Patrol, Danger Bay, or that series about a seven-year-old adventurer. Mark says that the long-running Trailer Park Boys may finally be headed down the turlet after the movie flopped during its limited run in seven theaters. Tom tries to enrage Mark by suggesting that Canada only had 50 theaters, but Mark puts the actual figure at closer to three dozen. Mark says that Canada's size is deceiving because while it looks huge on a map, it's population is only dense on the tiny strip along the U.S. border. Mark says this is a tactical initiative to prevent the Bush adminstration from storming into the country to take over the Alberta oil sands. Tom tells him that Bush is his guy, but Mark thinks there's an element of irony to Tom's fandom. Tom GOMPs the foreigner for throwing his buddy under the bus.
- Laurie from Miami calls (starts at 2:12) to find out if the ban is lifted. Tom's confused and thinks she's referring to The Band. He's not a fan. Laurie was actually referring to her b-a-nishment from the program last month after she prematurely declared an "L" on the FOT Chat. Tom says that it was not a binding edict since previous bans against Spike and Petey never stuck. Laurie's been listening to vintage Petey calls in the archives and wants to know what happened to him. She longs for a return to the cute, 11-year-old Petey. Tom says that Petey is passing through what Johnny Carson called "pooberty". Tom is unphased by the growing pains and selects Petey2007 as his favorite Petey era. Tom thinks he's a talented young man who consistently delivers. In six years, Tom predicts that Petey will either employ him or kill him. Tom hopes that if he gets in Petey's good graces, he can beg for mercy and only get shot in the thigh.
Laurie decides to end the call because she's on a cordless phone. Tom is shocked because the crystal clear connection made him think that Laurie was joining him in the studio. Laurie jokingly suggests she was using Skype, but she was really calling via Working Assets, a hippy long-distance carrier that donates all their money to Planned Parenthood and LifeChanges. They are based out of a lean-to in the woods behind the old Lady Foot Locker at Newbridge Commons. Mike the Associate Producer brags about using Vonage, but Tom says his connection sounds like he's in the Carlsbad Caves. Laurie's New Year's Resolution is never condemn The Best Show before it's over. Tom says it was like getting stabbed ("Et tu, Laurie?"), but he forgives the transgression.
- Christina (Yes?) calls (starts at 2:16) from the
hipster enclave of Silver Lake L.A.'s gritty Echo Park to give Tom some advice on his quest for Coke Blãk. Christina thinks that one of Tom's New Year's Resolutions should be to get into creative visualizations. For example, whenever Tom desires this elusive elixir, he should simply imagine it being in readily and abundantly available. Tom GOMPs her for the remote viewing crazy talk.
- Sean from Los Feliz calls (starts the 2:18) to trash (not really) West Hollywood. Tom rolls in WeHo when he's in the L.A. area. He's a fan of the Mexican eatery Paquito Mass, Carney's Restaurant, The Roxy, and Book Soup. Sean's New Year's Resolution is to not miss as many movies in the theater. He had the day off, so he saw Casino Royale. Since Tom is a noted Audioslave enthusiast, Sean wanted to get his take on Chris Cornell's theme song. Tom was very excited that he was doing it and thought it was the best James Bond theme of all-time. Tom's glad it was just solo Cornell because a full rock band always fails to successfully pull off the theme. Tom cites Devo's terrible theme for Moonraker and Animotion's disastrous work on The Living Daylights. Sean says that A-ha actually did the theme for that film. I think Tom is right. Tom also gives the thumbs down to Duran Duran's "A View To A Kill".
Sean's favorite part of the new Bond film was that the titular hero spent half the film text messaging people. He expected to see the baddies transferring money via Paypal. Tom enjoyed watching two full days of poker in real time complete with commentary from the Italian Dave Foley. While Tom likes Daniel Craig's tough-guy approach to the role , his hero is the Queen. He predicts that she will become a hip-hop icon for running things like Tony Montana in Scarface. In addtional to being more polite, the Queen has the advantage of having survived her cinematic story.
-Trip Whiting calls (starts at 2:23) to get Tom's help on a business venture he's undertaking. He got the number from a former friend named Keith Garfinkle, the slapfighting blackmailer who called The Best Show last April. Trip was also Garfinkle's teammate on the Newbridge Redfaces. They had a falling out after Trip got him a kid's dictionary for Christmas. While it was intended as a good-natured joke about his eccentric lexicon, Garfinkle took it the wrong way and had Trip's mail delivery suspended via his uncle, Postmaster General Edmond T. Garfinkle. Tom recalls that he was talking like Norm Crosby and Trip gives examples of an angry Garfinkle threatening to make someone "persona au gratin" or slap them in the "corroded artery".
Before they parted ways, Keith told Trip to contact Tom about his intention to celebrate the life and music of the outrageous, cutting edge singer, Kevin Allin. While Tom is not necessary a fan of GG Allin, he's always viewed him as a curiosity. Trip doesn't want to toot his own horn, but he says that he made a large fortune in the computer world by inventing pop-up advertisements. Tom defines these as the annoying things that ruin being on the Internet, but Trip thinks they are very informative. Without pop-ups, he doesn't know how people would know about fine Kern Pharmaceuticals products like Peniscillin and She Sleeps Now. Trip was a consultant to Kern on the launch of both drugs. The latter is a female sleep-aid that is popular with fraternities. Tom's horrified by what appears to be another form of Rohypnol. Trip disputes the comparison.
Trip has always wanted to be involved with the arts, so he plans to do for GG Allin what Gene Simmons has done for Kiss. By ripping pages from Simmons's marketing playbook, Trip hopes to create "Planet GG" by 2008. Tom is terrified by the inconvenient truth of the Earth getting covered in GG. Trip has secured the rights to use his likeness, his story, and most of his music so he can start BRANDING a line of GG-related merchandise. The first item on the platter is a duets album in the spirit of the posthumous collaborations of Hank Williams Jr./Sr. and Natalie/Nat King Cole. For this record, contemporary singers will join GG on some of his classic tunes. The lineup currently includes Avril Lavigne doing "Dope Money" and Death Cab For Cutie frontman Gibb Benson on a great version of "Eat My Leftovers". Tom points out that the name of the singer is Ben Gibbard. Trip says his assistant, Rick, gave him the wrong name. The most amazing track is a duet between GG and Hank Williams, Sr. on "Scars On My Body, Scabs On My ----". Since both performers have passed on, they took GG's original vocal and ProTooled the s out of 34 Hank Williams, Sr. songs to sculpt the syllables required to get to the correct lyrics. Tom thinks this sounds more like a computer stimulation than an actual duet. Trip promises that fans of the original will flip for the new version.
Trip is also hoping to do one of those Broadway singing and dancing things -- commonly referred to as "musicals" -- in the vein of the hit show "High Fidelity". Trip was unable to get tickets to see it or even reach anyone at the box office, but Tom says that's probably because it closed. Trip would love to get Twilight Tharp involved in the musical because his choreography would work well with GG's music. Trip's assistant flubbed another name, so Tom points out that it's actually Twyla Tharp, who's a chick. Given this information, Trip requests a .jpg of Tharp because he could use the companionship of a dancer while he deals with his divorce. Tom refuses to send him an image of someone he thought was a guy named Twilight. Trip is not much of a choreographer, although he used to do some "locking" like ReRun on What's Happening!!!. He can see the dances in his mind for tracks like "I Wanna Kill You", but he can't articulate them. He hopes to close the show with "Last In Line For The Gangbang".
Trip thinks Tom will be even more thrilled with his plans for American Scum Rocker, a GG-inspired reality show that's like American Idol and America's Next Top Model ratcheted up to 13. The producers will find 10 people from every walk of life and try to mold them into the raunchiest rocker imaginable. Weekly challenges would involve learning how to shoot stuff out of certain places, smearing competitions, and a flinging contest. The judging panel will feature America's top videographer, Joe Francis, Merle Allin, Scott Ian, Donald Most, Reggie Jackson, and the immortal pornographer John E. Cash. Tom understandably thought Trip was referring to The Man In Black, so he points out that Cash had passed on. Trip calls Tom an idiot because he had had lunch with Cash earlier in the day. In addition to being a pornographer, JEC is wanted for committing a "veritable potpourri" of very serious crimes all across America. Trip says that he's avoided jail by wearing a mask and then cloaking his entire body in a burlap sack when committing his crimes. Since his body type is not known, he could easily be mistaken for a dog or even a beanbag chair. Tom confirms that JEC admits to his crimes in general, but will not own up to any specific acts. On American Scum Rocker, he will wear a different disguise each week so viewers may not even know if he's human. Tom doesn't like or love this show.
Donald Trump is on board with the entire GG concept and plans to build Allin Towers, 212-story skyscrapers topped with a crystal dome in the shape of GG's shaved head with his tattoos, just outside of Newbridge. Tom doesn't like the idea of his fairly small town housing one of the tallest buildings ever constructed, and he's especially not looking forward to one that's a tribute to GG Allin. However, Trip thinks Tom will be looking forward to the GG Allin slot machines that will be going into Quickie Mart and many other locations in about six months. Trip says the machine looks just like GG's body and wants Tom to guess where the winner's money comes out. Tom doesn't want to know. He also declines to find out the color of the money. GG will also get into the food business with GG's Frozen Custard chain, which sounds like a good companion store for The Fudge Tub at Newbridge Commons. The eatery will only offer one flavor. Tom can guess it, but he doesn't want to say it.
Trip doesn't think Tom could have guessed that before he passed on, GG was poised to become to become a very successful motivational speaker. He was a student of Tony Robbins, who was grooming his prized pupil to take over his whole business. Trip says that before he passed on, he was working under-the-radar on a series of seminars. Tom's had enough of the phrase "passed on", which makes it sound like GG gently drifted away from old age. Tripp admits that it wasn't exactly like that. In fact, GG died from a heroin overdose at a friend's dwelling in Manhattan after running naked from police after his aborted final concert at The Gas Station. Trip says that GG decided to leave the rock game, but he donned the jockstrap and the cowboy boots one last time as a favor to his dear brother, Merle.
GG had just finished his first motivational book called Power Achieving and was working the kinks out of his seminars by doing some test runs in Western Maine. Tripp says the seminar was well received and promised to turn participants into the next Warren Buffet, one of the richest guys on Earth. Trip mispronounces the last name as "Buffay", so Tom corrects him. Tripp challenges it because he's not talking about the guy who did "Margaritaville". Tom says it's not Jimmy Buffet, but Trip doesn't know who that is -- he was thinking of Elvin Bishop. Trip loves the Bishop-penned 1976 hit "Fooled Around and Fell in Love" and plans to download it later tonight. Tom notices a marked difference between Bishop and the tuneless gutter stomp of GG Allin. Trip prefers to think of GG's songs like "I Wanna F Myself" as "good time music". Trip says it's a shame that someone slipped him that stuff in his Perrier that final night because he had been clean for two years.
Tom doesn't believe it, but the poisoning theory will be floated in the biopic Drink, Fight, and F***: The GG Allin Story. Trip wants Tom to do a punch-up on the screenplay which documents his early days in New Hampshire though his tragic end in Manhattan. They have the whole story, but Trip thinks the dialogue needs some pizzaz. He'd like to tell Tom about one of the storylines, but he asks to be POT'd down because the summary may not be suitable for broadcast. He was right. Trip comes back and explains that the film will be a Hard R, but Tom doesn't think they can avoid an X. Trip thinks it can be done if it's tastefully shot. In another section of the film, GG gets arrested in Michigan and there's an incredible series of jail scenes, which Trip explains to Tom off the air. Tom concludes that it's the filthiest thing he's ever heard and cannot be done tastefully.
Trip tries to sell Tom on the DFF script and the entire GG enterprise with an incredibly moving sequence when he gets released from jail. On a dreary, Michigan morning, GG is met at the gate by the only person he could ever count on: Merle. The remainder of the scene requires Tom to POT Trip down again. Tom wasn't moved -- he was disgusted. Trip points out that most of the act is implied, but Tom doesn't care. No sale. Trip says the trick will be figuring out a way around what they actually fling. Tom is shocked that he's even trying to get the movie made. Trip is certain it will be greenlit with either Jake Gyllenhaal or Will Smith in the lead role. Tom would pay to see Will Smith take on the challenge of becoming GG Allin. Trip can't wait to see him slip into the jock and boots during his audition. While Tom definitely wants to see it out of perverse curiosity, he definitely doesn't want to write it. However, Trip already has Tom listed as a credited screenwriter on the film's IMDb page and e-mailed Variety and The Hollywood Reporter with the official press release ("Scharpling to pen Allen biopic").
Tom refuses to get on board, so Trip assumes that he wants a late-night visit from all the surviving members of The Murder Junkies and The Texas Ns. Trip will be joining them because he was made an honorary member of both bands. (They gave him a jacket.) Despite his association with them, Trip would much rather listen to Elvin Bishop and retracts his earlier defense of their music. He actually hates it. Tom guesses that Trip is probably in a little over his head because he saw an opportunity to make some quick money and didn't realize that the guys were legitimately crazy. Check and CHECK. Tom also assumes that he thought it was some kind of Marilyn Manson/Alice Cooper routine. Trip didn't even think it was that extreme because he was expecting something closer to Blink 182. Tom also notes the problematic scenario where these lunatics think they will become wealthy and have all of Trip's personal contact information. Trip says he left out one thing: they are currently living in his guest house. And when he says his "guest house", he's actually referring to his basement. Trip used to have a family, but they left after the band members moved in. Trip suspects that the guy who played drums naked for the Murder Junkies killed his girlfriend, Regina, and his pet ferret, El Diablo. Trip has to hang up because Merle was leading some kind of attack against him. Tom chalks it up to Braffian karma.
Elvin Bishop - "Fooled Around and Fell In Love"
- Petey calls (starts at 2:56) in a state of arrested development, and Tom grants him permission to do a running commentary during the music sets on the Evan "Funk" Davies show. Tom makes Petey apologize for not knowing who Evan is.
- A caller asks (starts at 2:57) Tom to provide a name for a fictional 1970s arena-rock band. His choice: Tune In Next Week And Find Out.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Spike weighs in on some exciting DVD news, Philly Boy Roy calls from the set of Studio 60 to debut his Donald Trump impression ("Hey, youse guys. Rosie don't talk to me like that. I talk to Rosie like that."), and Trey Anastasio tells the harrowing tale of how Werner and Rutager got him hooked on health tabs.
You can't stop The Queen. You can't stop The Kid. You can't stop The Best Show. As Rollins might say: GET IN THE RANGE ROVER!
Dear Best Show,
Thanks for having Paul F. Tompkins on your radio program. I like that guy!