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Ice Ice Baby.

"Runnin' around like an animule. I'm runnin' down the hall, back and forth, and back and forth. I'm runnin' suicide drills or something, like I'm tryin' out for the team!" -- Tom, getting fired up for the show Rollins-style
"Two for The Queen, three for The Queen, two for The Queen, three for The Queen ..." -- A series of old New Jersey residents succumb to the magnetic pull of the Helen Mirren vehicle
"You should move to Baltimore, start your own store -- you're own Crabcakery." -- Philly Boy Roy, giving Tom an idea for a new restaurant
"Oh, it doesn't sound like it. I hear all kids of pops." -- Philly Boy Roy, doubting Tom's use of a microphone windscreen
"He's not tellin' me -- he's very toight-lipped about it. -- Philly Boy Roy on Roy, Jr's refusal to spill the details of his sale of the Liberty Bell to the Japanese
"What you guys do? All plan to cut one at the same time and then fan it over to Manhattan?" -- Philly Boy Roy, trying to figure out the origins of the horrible stench
"Maybe not as much looking like a scary witchy woman." -- Tom on the look of JJ Mascis
"You can't name your kid Nazareth in 2007." -- Tom, setting would-be parents straight
"What's up with that guy? He's Elmer Fudd on steroids." -- The Crame Dog on Bebe Williams, the new Myspace sheriff in town
"Nobody tries to look like Bun E. Carlos, people end up looking like Bun E. Carlos." -- Tom on the gradual slide into middle age
"Jerks are jerks. They're two-year-old jerks and there's 80-year-old jerks." -- Tom on generation-spanning jerkiness
"That was like 1982. Why don't you trying doing SOMETHING ELSE at some point!" -- Tom on Ren and Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi's quarter-century grudge
"Just read the lines that they hand you and shut up." -- Tom on Harry Shearer lamenting the failure to flesh out Otto the bus driver
"What? Are you kidding. I'm irresistible with that stuff on." -- Tom, countering Laurie's opposition to Axe body wash
"I love the Paul McCartney. He shouldn't have a Hitler mustache." -- Brian from Higgins on the disgraceful defacement of the Back to the Egg cover art (Dr. Stupid did it.)
"Does that make me, I don't know, less of a human or something?" -- A caller, wondering if his Toilet Boys fandom affects his worth as a man
"I could tell it would command instant respect." -- A caller, explaining the importance of his pornography-laden briefcase prop to his defense in court
"Well, I want to score not just on camera, but off camera, too, if you know what I mean." -- A caller on his unquenchable thirst for fame of any kind
"He may not be the guy to get you, but I will. If I'm not in prison, too." -- A caller, warning Tom that either he or his father will crush him with a block of ice
"I wanna go down one aisle to shop for my pet; I want to do down another aisle to shop for my food." -- Tom on his preferred grocery merchandising

[TBSOWFMU - 1/9/07 / Podmirth / Video Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Ann Peebles - "Slipped, Tripped and Fell In Love"

( Click here to buy The Best of Ann Peebles: The Hi Records Years)

The Cynics - "Now I'm Alone"

( Click here to tell Get Hip to put Rock 'N' Roll back into print)

Sondre Lerche - "The Tape"

( Click here to pre-order Phantom Punch)

Deadly Snakes - "Gore Veil"

( Click here to buy Porcella)

Compulsive Gamblers - "I Call You Mine"

( Click here to buy Bluff City)

Blacktop - "Here I Am (Here I Always Am)" (Captain Beefheart cover)

( Click here to buy I've Got a Baaad Feelin' About This: Complete Recordings)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun. Like, say, the annotated highlights of an exciting episode titled "Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Murder":

It's another closed-phones Tuesday because the open phones have gone the way of dial-up Internet connections and the guy who delivers ice in a truck. Tom paints a picture of people sitting around and reminiscing about the old days of open-phones Tuesdays. But things change, and now it's mere nostalgia. It used to be one of the fun features on "The Best Show on WFMU". You could call in without a topic and just take over the program, holding the audience hostage to your flights of whimsy, goofball improvisations, and unfocused rambling. Some things come, and some things go, and the host of said show was actually shot and killed in the parking lot after finishing an installment in 2007. While the killer is still at large, there are eight suspects, including a young punk named Petey, juicy musician/pimp known as "Stevie Blue", and Pete, a Tom Waits-loving gas station attendant and former heroin addict. The host frequently made predictions about his own death that involved these men.

- Charlie in Seattle corrals the courage (starts at 22:08) to step up and field any topic in the inaugural call of the show. Unphased by the closed phones, he sneaks through and promises to get in and get out with two quick points. Tom likes the efficient approach.

1. Charlie violated a potential Best Show Law by listening to Harry Shearer's yucky "Le Show" last week. On this episode, Shearer started one of the most one-sided beefs that hip-hop has ever seen. He tore down Death Row Records in one of his wry spoof raps. In what I assume was some kind of Best-Of 2006 show, Shearer's flow involved the label's bankruptcy filing in April of last year. For some reason, Shearer took great delight in their financial misfortune. Charlie wonders if it would be possible to find an entity that could care less about what Harry Shearer thinks about them than Suge Knight & Co.

Tom takes a bold stand and announces that Shearer tripped over This Is Spinal Tap. Charlie agrees that he's by far the least contributing member of the band -- he pulled up the rear while Guest and McKean carried the comedic load. Meanwhile, Shearer would be going the way of Death Row if those checks from The Simpsons weren't keeping his boring boat afloat. Tom also points out that "Le Show"'s interstitials are a catch-all for the worst music ever. Merge that with cutting-edge rap parodies and stale impressions (Rather, Brokaw, GWB), and you've got a whole lotta bad. Unlike Shearer, Tom is not obsessed with newsmen and demonstrates his preference for weird impressions by doing his classic Isabel Sanford. Charlie confirms that he's never heard Shearer attempt a Sanford send-up.

2. Charlie says that if Tom fancies himself being like the Queen, he should assemble a Best Show Royal Family. Tom loves it. He also gives Charlie props for jumping into the fire of a closed-phone Tuesday with focus and setting the tone for the show. Charlie is hoping the Best Show Royal Family topic will be a builder with legs in the weeks and months to come. Tom writes it down as an item for future discussion.

Tom expressed his love for The Queen on last week's show, and the film's titular heroine continues to have a profound influence on him. Tom expected a sparse crowd for the 2 p.m. Wednesday screening he attended in Montclair a couple of weeks ago, but when he arrived, there was a line to see The Queen. He forgot that a film like this is an "old magnet". He almost didn't get in, and he was the second youngest person in the packed theater. Tom one-ups Shearer again with top-shelf impressions of the parade of elderly duos and trios requesting tickets for The Queen at the box-office window. In addition to being the youngest moviegoer, Tom felt like Travis Bickle because he was the only solo member of the audience.

The one person younger than Tom was the poor, poor 10-year-old who was dragged to the film by his grandparents. Tom imagines the youngster's frantic scanning of the arthouse marquee where he found no Night at the Museum. It was either The Queen or the Shearer-soiled For Your Consideration. After the film ended, his grandparents asked him to confirm that they had just seen a good film. He did. Even he liked it! The Queen got him. Tom can understand her wide appeal because she's running things and takes no guff. She's no figurehead. She's seen them all come and go, and she's still driving her Range Rover through the woods. She outlasted Churchill and she's still in charge.

Tom remains certain that the Queen is destined for imminent hip-hop icon status. The gentlemen over at Death Row will give her proper respek for how she runs an empire surrounded by all the whimpering nervous nellies questioning her decisions. She knew when she had to fold and take one step back to take two steps forward. As The Thermals might say, here's her future: she's gonna REIGN.

For Whom The Liberty Bell Tolls: Philadelphia rejoices after eliminating the invaders from Stink City; prepares produce for Scharpling romp

- Philly Boy Roy calls (starts at 30:31) to ask Tom if he learned them songs yet. Since nem Iggles defeated the Giants on a last-second field goal in the first round of the NFL playoffs on Sunday night, PBR won the bet from last week's show. To honor his end of the agreement, Tom has to run from up there in Newbridge down to the Philadelphia Museum of Art's steps and go up 'em. Along the way, he will need to go through the Italian Market, Center City, and all the key Philadelphia pathways. During this 100-mile trek, Tom will have to sing the same three songs over and over. Since Tom forgot the setlist, PBR refreshes his memory on the first track by performing "Gonna Fly Now (Theme From Rocky)".

PBR pauses before revealing the second song, and since Tom doesn't say anything, he assumes that he's been given the go-ahead to sing it. PBR is thrilled because he really wants to sing it. Tom would love to hear it, so PBR delivers the goods on The Hooters' big hit, "And We Danced". Tom doesn't recall the much more obscure third track, so PBR tells him that it's "Davy Jones' Watercooler" by Psychotic Norman. Tom remembers that they are another Philly band, but PBR doesn't feel that Tom is giving them their due. Tom's never heard of them, which is understandable because PBR says they only released one 7". Tom's assigned track was the b-side to the "Man Meets Fish" single , which makes Tom wonder if the band had a nautical theme. PBR never really thought about it, but they were from Drexel Hill, which is pretty far inland. Tom concludes that the band may have just been fascinated by the water since they were not near it. PBR thinks this is a reasonable theory.

Tom believes that there is a seafood component to Philadelphia cuisine, and PBR confirms this by citing Eat-All Crab Cakes, which he believes offered the best crab cakes in the world. Their secret was forming the cakes with 90% mayonnaise. Tom thinks that sounds terrible, but PBR thought they were great. Despite his loyal patronage, they went out of business. Tom feigns disbelief considering they offered crab cakes with less than 10% crab in them. PBR thinks there was probably some crab in the cake, but Tom points out that a good portion would be taken up with breading. PBR was unaware he was talking to Mr. Know-It-All Crabcake Guy. He thinks Tom's should move to Baltimore to start his own Crabcakery. Tom says he's no crab cake guru, but he is aware of the basic ingredients. PBR wants Tom to teach him about crabcakery, so he writes down the list of ingredients: c-r-a-b, b-r-e-a-d-i-n-g, and mayonnaise, which PBR doesn't even attempt to spell. Tom tells him to just write mayo, but PBR spells it M-a-o like the Chinese Marxist military chairman instead of the common condiment made from emulsifying egg yolks and vegetable oil. After setting him straight on the Mao/mayo spelling, Tom has to explain that Mao is a Chinese name because PBR thinks it's Moe from The Three Stooges. PBR further complicates matters by suggesting that M-o is the correct spelling of Moe Howard's first name. PBR admits that he doesn't really get it, so Tom wisely decides to end the food/spelling discussion.

PBR hopes Tom will start the required run tomorrow, and he advises Tom to wear his sweatpants since it's kinda cold down there. He also recommends a plastic poncho for running through The Italian Market. Since people know that Tom is coming, they will be prepared to pelt him with rotten fruit and vegetables -- stuff they can't get into their local grocer's freezer. Tom thinks PBR sounds like he's doing a radio commercial, and PBR says he's done a little voice-over work for WIT, the best AM station in Philadelphia, known for spinning all the oldies. Tom wants to know what work he's done, so PBR asks him if he's ever heard of a little franchise called Wawa. PBR is their new radio pitchman. He gives Tom a sample of one of his spots: "Hey everybody come on down to Wawa, we got specials going on. You want your hoagies? OK, we got 'em! Lots of oregano, cheese, all kindsa stuff. You'll love it!"

This passes for a radio commercial in Philadelphia because the engineers put a lot of 'verb on it. PBR explains that he's using industry jargon for "reverb". He wants Tom to guess what he uses in front of his microphone, and Tom correctly guesses a windscreen. PBR seems surprised that Tom knows about those. Tom tells PBR that he's on the radio and using one right now. PBR says it doesn't sound like it because he hears a lot of pops. Tom says that perhaps WFMU is not up to the technical standards of Philadelphia radio stations. PBR says that's probably the case since all that equipment was invented in Philadelphia. PBR recites the slogan, "Philly makes, the world takes", but Tom catches him in a heist of the "Trenton Makes, The World Takes" slogan from the Lower Free Bridge in Trenton, New Jersey. PBR is skeptical about the accuracy of Tom's charge, but he'll never know for sure because he'll never venture to Trenton to see the bridge's message.

PBR has some numbers for Tom to digest: 23-20, the final score of the Iggles-Giants game. When the final whistle blew, the Zieglers went nuts. Roy, Jr. even let PBR ring the stolen Liberty Bell a couple of times. It was still in their basement on Sunday, but Roy, Jr. has since sold this piece of American history to some Japanese guys. They took it back to Japan, but don't no one know it, though. Roy, Jr. hasn't revealed the sale price, but PBR thinks it's at least in the vicinity of $1 million. Tom thinks that if original lyrics for The Beatles' songs go for hundreds of thousands of dollars, the Liberty Bell should top $1 million. PBR says Roy, Jr. is being toight-lipped about the transaction. Tom is not entirely sure what state Roy, Jr.'s lips are in, so PBR explains that his son is not saying much about it. Tom says he doesn't think there's an "o" in the word "tight". PBR denies saying there was and thinks Tom should open his ears.

The Japanese dudes also have the real Mona Lisa painting -- the one that's in The Lever is a fake. They also own Jim E. Hendrix. PBR says the axeman didn't die. His manager, Chas Chandler, simply sold him to the Japanese. They said he's doing well and still writing songs. Tom thinks it's disgusting slavery to sell another human being. PBR says they don't make him do stuff like that. He just lives and plays guitar. Tom thinks it sounds like they are renting him, and PBR doesn't know what the arrangement should be called. PBR didn't actually meet Hendrix, but the Japanese men showed him some current pictures and videotapes. Hendrix was kicking back, having a beer, and watching TV. Tom's amazed by this news.

PBR feels bad about the Giants loss and thinks it must stink for their fans. Tom says it wasn't that surprising considering their erratic, injury-plagued 8-8 regular season. PBR thinks the early playoff exit leaves a bad smell in your nose, specifically the foul aroma of failure. Tom suspects PBR is getting at something, and he's right. PBR remembers hearing something about repulsive stenches on the news. PBR says it seemed like New York got a first-hand smell of Tom's stink pit state the other day. PBR wonders if everyone in New Jersey planned to cut one at the same time and then fan it over to Manhattan. Tom says that when he heard about the olfactory emissions, he was more worried about PBR's on-air taunting that anything else associated with the event. PBR unleashes extended, high-pitched cackles that Tom declares the worst laugh ever. PBR says Tom shouldn't feel bad because they once had a similar thing in Philadelphia. PBR recalls a really weird stench coming over from Camden and realizes that it emanated from New Jersey as well. PBR laughs again and wonders what's going on over there. PBR speculates that the Earth is saying that youse people make me nauseous, and it has to get some relief. He makes a flatulence noise and signs off with a "later days". Tom = Beat Up. PBR got him on the football bet, and then got him again on the NJ stink gas.

Roy Ziegler 2
Tom 0

I Don't Wanna Be Yr Joe Ramone: Sleater-Kinney express their preference for The Ramones' frontman at their second-to-last show

- Tom introduces (starts at 46:15) a topic called "Names, Names, Names". He points out that even though you don't pick your own name, your name inevitably defines you. Tom is the fifth Tom in his family; Mike the Associate Producer is the first Mike in his family. If you change somebody's name just a little bit, it changes the way you think about the person. Tom V gives an example: Joey Ramone vs. Joe Ramone. The latter conjures an image of a totally muscular meathead who outweighs Joey by at least 70 pounds, sports a mustache, and has bulging cannon biceps. Another transformation would occur if you turned Dinosaur Jr's J Mascis into JJ Mascis. Tom thinks JJ would probably have a mustache and a more professional, slick look instead of looking like a scary witchy woman.

- Jack calls (starts at 48:48) to talk about his family's tradition of naming the eldest son after his grandfather. He lucked out with a standard-issue name, his father's name is the off-the-charts-bad Nazareth. While policy dictates that he would have to assign that name to his first-born son, Jack's hopeful that he could negotiate a deal to break the cycle of horror if he's faced with this dilemma. Both he and Tom agree that it's time to take the family's nomenclature into the new century and not provide such easy fodder for the salivating silver tongues on the schoolyard. Tom says that you cannot name your kid Nazareth in 2007 because he'd be ridiculed as "Naz the Spazz". Jack laughs like Philly Boy Roy, but quickly composes himself to take proper offense at Tom's mockery of his hypothetical kid. Jack asks for an alternate name, and Tom suggests Not Nazareth.

Tom expands the topic to include names that have hit an all-time low after getting dragged through the mud by the aberrant behavior and/or complete lack of talent by various namesakes. For example, Mr. Federline has forever tarnished the upstanding Kevins of the world. In the last 18 months, Tom has been under siege from the wacky escapades of Mr. Cruise. He used to have a solid trio with Tom Hanks and Cinderella's Tom Keifer also holding things down, but Cruise went from a plus to a minus after disrespecting the name. I would recommend replacing Cruise with either the patriotic sketch comedian Tom Jeter or the celebrated British playwright Tom Stoppard.

- A caller says (starts at 52:29) that he entered a contest with his wife prior to the birth of their child. If it was a boy, he got to name it, but she had dibs on the girl. More of an arrangement than a proper "contest", innit? Anyway, his son is 1.5, and she's still not happy with Fritz, which is the caller's step-grandfather's name. His wife would have picked Plum for a girl. The caller isn't sure what he would name a second son since every other name sounds like a 1940s Vegas act when combined with Fritz. Tom actually saw the German interpretive dance duo, Plum & Fritz, perform their famous Die Augen von Toilettenpapier (roughly: "The eyes of toilet paper") routine as a child. He thought they were very good. The caller says a friend of his caught a P&F show a few years ago. They're still bringing it! I caught them in the early 1980s at the Brendan Byrne Arena as the opening act for Sesame Street On Ice. Their interpretation of Kraftwerk's Computerwelt still haunts me.


- The original Crame Dog checks in (starts at 54:08) to find out what's up with the new Myspace wrangler, Bebe Williams. The Crame Dog was the first person to start patrolling Tom's Myspace page for Clubbers, capturing five Fincher fugitives during the 11/28/06 show, but he's since been overtaken by the more aggressive BeBe. The Crame Dog thinkes BeBe is clearly out for blood and compares him to Elmer Fudd on growth enhancers. Tom reports that BeBe started 2007 on fiyah with 10 fresh catches ("lots of women in this list"!), and while the Crame Dog respects what he's doing, he finds his extreme devotion to the cause a little weird.

Tom thinks the Crame Dog might feel like yesterday's news after Bebe shifted the mission into a new gear. The Crame Dog's stuck in 3rd, while BeBe is taking it to 4th and 5th. He finally admits that he's a pathetic failure compared to BeBe Williams. The Crame Dog's New Year's Resolution is to keep hunting people down so Tom can cut them loose. Perhaps the Crame Dog's crime fighting took a back seat to the birth of his son 11 days ago. He named him Otis as an homage to Lex Luthor's sidekick played by Ned Beatty in the first two Superman films, not the drunk from The Andy Griffith Show. Tom loves it, and the Crame Dog confirms that he'll grow into just "O" when he's old enough to mow the lawn and complete other household chores. Tom says his favorite "O"-name is Omar, the gentlemen who does the recapsulations for the program. The Crame Dog vows to name his next son Omar.

- Dan in Bloomfield calls (starts at 57:18) with a name switcheroo story. He had a friend named Damien Jude who lived up to the stereotype established by the Damien Thorn character in The Omen film series. Dan says his friend was very intense and eccentric, although it is unclear if he was also the Antichrist. Dan always thought that he would have been more easygoing if he had chosen to be called DJ. Tom thinks that having a name like Damien would get int your head and force you to be kinda nuts.

Bun E. Carloses: A famous pamphleteer's canine and the Cheap Trick drummer

- Henry in Georgia calls (starts at 58:32) during a rare live listen to the program. He usually opts for the podcast, but tonight he was doing some work at the computer, so he fired up the stream. Henry's work includes publishing the Chunklet newsletter, puncturing the overrated, and playing semi-pro WhirlyBall. He and his wife just got a hyphy-allergenic labradoodle puppy, and he got to name it because he paid for it. His wife repeatedly shot down suggestions like Lando, Tackleberry, and Thor. She finally scored with Bunny, but Henry issued the caveat that it had to be Bun E. Carlos. Henry says it's funny to get calls from the veterinary clinic inquiring about a check-up for Bun E. Carlos. Henry says the shaggy and moppish dog is kind of in line with the human Bun E. Carlos of an older era. Henry points out that circa-2007 Bun E. Carlos looks like a high school drum teacher who has not given much thought to his image in the last 10-15 years. Tom agrees that nobody is modeling their look on a 2002 Bun E. Carlos. Henry suggests that certain Home Depot associates have that look, but Tom convincingly argues that nobody actively tries to achieve the look of Bun E. Carlos. It's something you just kinda back into.


- Jack calls (starts at 1:03) to ask Tom if he's ever Google'd his name. Tom says that when he searches for "Tom", a lot of stuff comes up. When Jack does it, he gets a guy in a Baptist church in Nebraska. Jack also drops a quick anecdote that involves some name-calling. His girlfriend's roommate is probably the most annoying person in the world. Jack says his offenses include talking to himself and being Southern. Tom points out that being a Southern doesn't make him inherently annoying, but Jack adds that he's also incredibly racist and sexist. Tom realizes that he's that kind of Southerner and confirms that he dresses in a white Colonel Sanders suit. Tom now hates this guy and declares him his biggest enemy on Earth. The guy also just bought an eco-unfriendly Toyota MegaCruiser.

Jack was recently looking at pictures of his friend's party, and the annoying guy quickly made fun of his friend because he was Puerto Rican. Tom thinks Jack is breaking it down like Don Rickels. The annoying guy explained that his cousins moved out of state because there were way to many 'Ricans. The annoying guy got a new job upstate, so he will soon depart for the small village of Goshen. While Tom was once at war with this land, a truce was put in place for 2007 after the mutants surrendered by waving the I Goshen shirt. Tom fears that the annoying guy will disrupt the peace by fanning the flames and forming a little racist army of soft-serve Goshen kids. Tom will track any suspicious sales spikes at southernsuits.net and kentuckycolonelwardrobe.com. Tom thinks it would be frightening to look out the window and see a Sanders Army marching down the street in their white suits and weird black string ties.

- Tom requests (starts at 1:07) some additional soiled names and wonders what -- if any -- recourse someone named Paris has at this point. I can't really think of any viable options for extant Parises. Aspiring parents who are Gilmore girls fans, Wim Wenders enthusiasts, or just enjoy the European city must realize that the socialite's slimy stranglehold on the name is too strong. The only winning move is to pick a named that's more culturally respectable. Like Borat.

Mike wanted to be called Mickey as a youngster because Mickey Dolenz was his favorite Monkee. Dolenz was thrown into The Best Show doghouse hate pit for humiliating Tom when he met him. Tom attended a star-studded event (guests included Tim Blake Nelson and Herb Williams) and spotted Dolenz wearing a dumb Miami Vice outfit with a stupid Panama hat. Since nobody was around him, Tom made his move so he could tell him that he was huge fan of Head. Dolenz blew him off cold. Tom was outraged that a nobody like Dolenz had the nerve to serve it up to The Kid. Tom used to think he was funny, but then realized that he's terrible, jumping around like a dope and trotting out the same James Cagney impression that anybody can do with simple voice modulation. I hear that Shearer has been practicing the "You dirty rat" speech for weeks and will unveil it on next week's "Le Show" in a riff about additional troop deployment in Iraq. Cagney didn't even say it! Tom damns Dolenz by calling him the Robin Williams of rock. Like the rail-driven, hirsute comedian, Dolenz fired as many shots as possible without any regard to quality. He missed his targets, but just kept shooting crooked.

When Tom discussed his Dolenz encounter back in May, he expressed his desire to create two Dolenz-based shirts. I'm hoping those go into production soon (marathon premiums!).

- Jess(ica) from The Shamblers calls (starts at 1:10) to help Tom climb out of the Dolenz hate pit by discussing the origins of her longform name. She was given a blessing and a curse when her parents named her after The Allman Brothers Band song, "Jessica". Tom's assessment: nice name, but not a nice song. Since the song never ends, Jess thinks it could be a sign that she will have long life. Tom points out that the Allman Brothers also keep going and going with tours that include their annual homestand at the Beacon Theater (3/22 - 4/7 this year) to satiate their massive NYC fanbase.

Jess also has a preponderance of people named Peter in her life: boyfriend (+bandmate), grandfather, brother, and her boyfriend's two close friends also have brothers named Peter. In a nutshell: she's trapped in a weird Peter vortex. While her grandfather's given name is Peter, Tom wants to know if she calls him "Grampy". Jess actually calls him Peter because she thinks of him as a cool friend. Tom pretends to be grossed out by this friendship, but then reveals that he also likes his grandparents. Tom likes old people, but he doesn't think they're perfect just because they've reached an advanced age. He's not willing to give them a free pass (though they do get a senior discount for The Queen) because they've managed not to pass away. Tom believes that jerks can populate every age bracket, from tyrannical toddlers to obstinate octogenarians.

It will be an exciting 2007 for The Shamblers as they prep for a CD-R release followed by some 7" records in March on Colonial Recordings USA.

- Evan from Providence calls (starts at 1:13) on the heels of sending Tom a nice package. He included a graphic novel that he worked on (presumably Project: Romantic, which he's referenced in previous calls) and the Avenging Unicorn play set. I think a unicorn goring a mime would make a nice companion for that Officer Tom bobblehead doll.

Evan always liked his name because it's easy to pronounce and shared by Evan "Funk" Davies, who closes out the New Power Tuesday lineup. However, he's worried about the release of Evan Almighty, the sequel to Bruce Almighty. Evan is concerned that it will be terrible, but popular. Tom can't believe that a sequel to a Jim Carrey movie sans Jim Carrey will be bad. Plus, Steve Oedekerk is at the helm, so Tom has a good feeling about it. It was actually just written by Oedekerk. The even awesomer Tom Shadyac (Patch Adams) directs! Evan is considering going by initials as preemptive damage control. Tom tries to ease his fears by saying that the movie could be quickly forgotten like Tim Burton's 2001 Planet of the Apes remake. The film traveled through the public consciousness so quietly that you have to strain to even remember that it exists.

- Christopher from Rhode Island calls (starts at 1:16) to talk about the scenario where a child's name is an extension of the parents' hobby and/or interests. His cousin named his son Jack Daniels in a transparent ploy to play up his alcoholism. Tom's horrified, and Christopher also objects, saying that you've got to give your kid a shot (pun presumably unintended). Tom points out that if he opts for J.D., he'll be associated with Zach Braff's character on Scrubs. Christopher wonders which is the worse cross to bear. Tom starts a riff that was going to suggest that being drunk would erase the memory of watching Scrubs, but he declines to throw the show under the bus. He tried it, and it didn't fit. It's simply an ill-fitting shirt, not an outright atrocity.

A few years ago, Christopher met a child around seven- or eight-years old with a mother in her early 30s. The kid was too cool for that age and expressed interests in things a decade beyond his years. This brings up Tom's bad high school memories of his assigned nickname of "Too Cool'. Tom is transported back to a time when he was worn out from fielding constant requests for parties and makeout sessions. This too-cool kid's name was Legend. Christopher speculates that he was conceived under a dreamcatcher and named while his parents were under the influence of a World of Warcraft / The Lord of the Rings 'cid trip. Christopher says he also went to junior high with a fella named Bernie Belcher. Tom says that his parents were stuck with the last name, but could have certainly avoided the alliteration. Tom doesn't think you can top Legend, which requires backward dancing and an exceedingly charming owner to overcome.

Tom throws one at Christopher: Stephen Stills becoming Stefen Stills. Christopher sees Stefen as a member of a band on the E6 label. In a reverse of the Joey-Joe Ramone switch, Stefen drops 70 pounds to become a stick figure in a cardigan with long, mopey hair. Tom had bad dreams about Stephen Stills and names him as a dark horse candidate for his potential murderer. Christopher thinks the weapon of choice would be his own line of autographed knives. Tom can also envision walking out of WFMU and getting rammed with a pick-up truck driven by Graham Nash. Tom doesn't trust the Stills & Nash cabal.

- Megan in Bloomfield reprezents the 07003 (starts at 1:22) with some more wacky names. Her best friend, who used to be an elementary teacher in 'Nawlins, had twins named Camry and Tercel in her class. Tom thinks it's particularly horrific because they were not even fancy cars. Megan used to work at a non-profit in NYC that retained a running list of crazily-named applicants. The craziest candidate during her tenure was a woman named Thisisit Harley. She was declined for their services. Tom wonders if her nickname would be "This". He also can't believe that anyone associated with a non-profit organization would have a weird name. Megan assures him that at least 75% of their applicants had them. She said that some of them would get very sensitive when they were asked to spell their names. As a receptionist, Megan would always ask for a spelling because she's good. And thorough.

- Tristan calls (starts at 1:24) with a follow-up to the S. Stills discussion. Tom remembers meeting this young, upwardly mo-bile rich kid who kept talking about what his daddy was saying. Tristan asks Tom not to talk about it on the air. Tristan's dad's name was Stephen, and he accidentally GOMPed important people because they pronounced it as Stefen. He was thrown because they took it in the opposite direction of where you'd expect the name to go. The only variant he was accustomed to hearing was Steve. Tom can understand how this would be troubling. Tristan used to hate his name, and he was always touting nickname alternatives. After he matured, he saw the need for people need to start branching out because common names get run into the ground. The law of averages dictates that it will eventually be owned by a complete moron. Even if another Tristan came along, he would have a fighting chance to maintain its good standing in the world. Tom likes the name Tristan, and Tristan likes the name Tom. After that pleasant exchange of mutual admiration, Tom bids his honey goodnight.

True story: In the late 1980s, my aunt was visiting and got a call from her NJ-based doctor. She was awaiting some results from recent fertility treatments. I answered the phone and heard an accented male voice ask for "Don". My aunt's name is Diane. Dude also mispronounced the last name, so he was 0 for 2. I told him that I could not offer him a Don, but I could give him a Die-ann. He accepted. The doctor? Natalie Portman's father!

- John Junk calls (starts at 1:27) with an adaptation of his FWD candidate into a name candidate. Junk read a "Talk of the Town" piece about André Balazs. While his name is pretty ridiculous, he took it further by opening the William Beaver House -- a 52-story condo specifically designed for fratty bachelors. Tom thinks this luxury frathouse sounds terrible in theory, but he likes being able to pinpoint the location of a large collection of these guys. Junk links the condo to the sensibility of Spike TV, and Tom chastises him for putting the network down. Junk clarifies that he was only referring to the Spike v.1 with its endless plays of Barb Wire and outrageous original cartoons like Stripperella and Gary the Rat. Tom mentions that they handpicked Kelsey Grammar to voice the titular rodent because he appeals to the demographic that reads Maxim.

Junk mentions that the early Spike also heavily promoted three rejected episodes of The Ren and Stimpy Show that had been collecting dust for 11 years. Tom thinks John Kricfalusi, the show's creator, needs to get over it since he was fired from the program in 1982. Tom recommends that he try doing SOMETHING ELSE. Junks point out that he did a Flash-based video for Tenacious D (the NSFW "Classico") about five years ago. Tom does not approve of filth animation and completely understands Nickolodeon's decision not to air his pornography at 11 a.m. on a Sunday.

Junk quotes his favorite section of the Balazs article:

Nearby, André Balazs was talking quietly about "trying to fast-track creating a sense of community." He explained that the name William Beaver and its attendant innuendos "seem to set an intellectual hurdle--you get it or you don't."

Tom doesn't like it ... he hates it. He thinks they should just call it the Mad TV Magazine House, Maxim Arms, or FHM Manor. Junk counters with Jerk Towers.

- Listener T calls (starts at 1:31) from Califuhnia, so Tom does a snippet of his bleeding-edge Arnold Schwarzenegger impression to practice for his looming Schwarzenegger-off with Harry Shearer. Tom mocks Shearer for complaining about the lack of character development for Otto Mann, the worst character on The Simpsons. Tom thinks Shearer should just read his lines and shut up.

Since T attended art school, he frequently ran into the progeny of the 1960s. He had a friend named Eden, who had a younger sister named Rainbow. Their mom was a hardcore, old-school Bohemian with five kids by five different men she didn't marry. She also released an EP on Crucial Blast Records in 1987. The oldest child (a girl) was named Darrow after the famed civil libertarian lawyer, Clarence Darrow. The youngest one was nearly four years ago, but he didn't have a name for his first three years on Earth. The parents wanted him to select his own name. Tom is afraid to hear his choice, but it turns out that the little guy liked the sound of hearing his mom say, "Come over here, Jeff." Like APK rebelling against his hippie parents, Jeff rejected the early 1980s Mellow Grove nonsense. Tom thinks we can all learn from the wisdom of a child. T says that he eventually changed it to Keith, moving sideways within the realm of the conventional. Tom is certain that kids don't want names like Darrow because they'd be driven nuts by people taunting them with "Arrow Through Me", the ill-advised R&B tune from Wings' Back to the Egg.

One of T's other friends at school was known as Jim. However, they saw his passport and discovered his real name was Blue. Jim hated Blue because he was totally punk rock. When he got out of school, he decided it was cool and went back to it. Tom supports him in his former hate for Blue. Tom refuses to refer to T as "Listener T" because everyone is a listener. Tom prefers an even playing field between the DJ and the audience. T brings up WFMU's own Terre T, who identifies herself as "DJ Terre T" when calling The Best Show. Tom says this is simply an expedient identifier rather than a push for some kind of elevated status. T appreciates Tom's support of his individuality, but he chooses to wear the Listener title as a badge of honor.

- Laurie from Miami calls (starts at 1:36) to focus on celebrity baby names. She starts with a list of the Bobby Geldof offspring: Peaches Honeyblossom, Fifi Trixibelle, Little Pixie, and the stepsister, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence. Laurie thinks these names are more suited for Henry Owings's labradoodle. She also cites the names Shannyn Sossamon (Audio Science Clayton) and Jason Lee (Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee) bestowed on their children. Tom points out that the latter was inspired by the Grandaddy song, "He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's The Pilot". (Pilot Inspektor's first words: "I wish my name was Earl.") Laurie also sees a negative influence from the Church of Scientology. Tom is angered by the dis: "You lay off us, I mean, them."

Tom currently uses Pert's Peaches Honeyblossom, a key ingredient in his homebrewed shampoo stew. After downing a 4-liter jug of sodey (available exclusively at the Beverage Depot) in three sittings, he prepares his mix: one bottle of Selsun Blue + one bottle of Peaches Honeyblossom + some Axe body wash. He then cuts it half and half with water. Laurie thinks the Axe is a mistake, but Tom says he's irresistible when he wears it. She also provides a helpful tip: Perry Ellis for Men smells like dish soap. Tom will not use any in his concoction.

- Leland Morello calls (starts at 1:40) to express his lack of knowledge about the origins of his name. He suspects it could be a historical figure like Leland Stanford, but he's not sure. My guess: [SPOILERS] the possessed killer, Leland Palmer. Leland is particularly fond of Indian names. His almost-favorite is NPR National Desk reporter, Snigdha Prakash. Leland also likes the Italian opera flare of Don Gagne. He also admires the name of a chemical scientist who sought to understand the glory of electronic paper. As Tom begins to drift off into sleep, Leland says he pulled his name from an awards ceremony booklet he worked on. The scientist in question is Anarananeph Dodallaballasavedarfur. Tom accuses Leland of just making random sounds. He insists it's a real scientist and urges Tom to look it up in the Chemical Science Journal. Tom will do the research.

- Jeff from Middletown calls (starts at 1:43) to recount a story he read a few years ago about a US Army National Guard firefighter who legally transformed his name to Optimus Prime on his 30th birthday. He chose the fictional character because it served as a father figure when he was growing up. Tom imagines that nobody is rooting for the Transformers movie to be good more than OP, who's praying that Michael Bay doesn't turn his honorable name into an international laughingstock. Jeff thinks the whole thing is a recipe for disaster, but Tom honors Mr. Prime by singing the chorus to Pearl Jam's "Alive" since at least he's still doing it.

- Brian from the rock group Higgins drops off (starts at 1:45) a couple of names. A friend of his was a teacher in South Carolina who had a set of twins named Lemonjello and Orangejello. Tom doesn't like it because it's mean and makes him sad. Tom throws out a trio of identity switches:

1. The alive-and-well Jimi Hendrix becoming Jim Hendrix. The removal of just the letter "i" turns him into an entirely different man.

2. Jimmy Page becomes Jim Page, a relief pitcher for the Angels with a respectable 2.75 ERA

3. Master of cinema Alfred Hitchock turns into Allen Hitchock, an owner of a PR firm.

Brian mentions Magnum PR, and Tom immediately offers himself to them as a potential non-paying client so they can take their business to the next level. Brian promises a new Higgins record in 2007 and wishes Tom a Happy New Year.

- Frederick calls (starts at 1:49) to brag about meeting a woman. He complimented her lovely child, Prerogata, and asked her where she came up with that interesting name. She said it was from the Bobby Brown hit, "My Prerogata". Tom doesn't believe it, but Frederick swears it's the truth. They try to come up with an explanation for how this happened, such as not springing for the record despite loving the song. In this possible scenario, she had a friend tape it and never had any liner notes or track titles. Tom asks Frederick what should be done with him, and he says that he knows not. Tom knows just what to do: hang up. He apologizes for ditching the nice young man, but he can never resist the thrill of the impromptu dismissal.

- A caller checks in (starts at 2:10) to find out who Terre T will have on Saturday's installment of the Cherry Blossom Clinic. Tom's not sure if she has any guests lined up, but the caller thought he heard that she hosting The Toilet Boys. Tom chuckles and says he's pretty sure they won't appear on the program. The caller was really excited about hearing The Toilet Boys on the radio and thought Tom's laughing and 'tude was weird. Tom says they're just not his thing, and the caller asks him if being a fan of the band makes him less of a human. Tom says he didn't intend to demean the caller and only laughed because he was caught off-guard by a name he hadn't heard in a while. The caller is curious to find out if this is how Tom talks to other TV stars. He was the star of the Impaired and Dangerous documentary that aired last Saturday night on a little network called MSNBC. In this expose on driving under the influence, participants navigate an obstacle course sober, and then repeat it while impaired to illuminate the difference. Tom missed it on Saturday night, but he's seen some commercials for it.

The caller says the producers took 12 people between the ages of 21 and 55 to the Newbridge Proving Ground, which is out on Route 7 where the Cinnamon Cineplex was before it melted. Tom has always preferred the theater off Muffler Row. The caller says that everyone aced the course when sober. The next week, they came back to get drunk under the watchful eye of John Q. Law. They were then interviewed about how they think they will perform. The caller predicted that he would concentrate more because he was drunk. Tom confirms that the caller generally has more focus when he drives while intoxicated. Overall, the caller says it was a fun experience where he met a lot of cool people. In fact, when they were all getting a little loose, he made a little love connection. He did it in the bathroom with Casey, one of the police officers on the set.

The caller says that they add some surprise obstacles to the course like a stuffed toy dog darting out or a random car popping out of nowhere. Since they're wasted, everyone was making a few mistakes, but the caller was confident when it was his turn. He was pretty loose and brought his own tunes to crank while drunk driving: M13, Death Cab, and a little bit of the Savage. The caller is referring to Norse Savage, which Tom identifies as white power music. The caller prefers to think of it as "white pride". Fueled by rock and the drink, the caller admits to going a little faster than the suggested course speed of 38 mph. He drove that at times, but there were other times when he took it up to 60. And by 60, the caller means that he was going 60 over 38. Tom assumes that traveling near 100 mph would be highly dangerous, but the caller says there were no people on the very contained course. He recalls one incredible shot where he's seen manning the steering wheel with his feet while doing a Sudoku puzzle. One of the policemen described him as a cross between NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon and Foster Brooks. The caller was unfamiliar with Brooks, so Tom explains that he was an old comedian known for portraying drunks. The caller thinks the Gordon comparison is cool.

A cop with his own braking system was seated next to him, so he could wrench things up if it got out of hand. However, the caller prevented him from doing it by wielding a knife. The cop was acting real mad, especially when the caller got up on only the front-left wheel. He maintained this position for at least 20 seconds and was told that they had never seen anything like it before. Tom says that while he's only seen the show in glimpses, he finds it depressing. The caller says it's also scary, especially when he smashed right into the scurrying stuffed dog. He kept driving as an image of the dog's ghost appeared in his rearview mirror. While he was freaked out by striking the faux animal, the caller says the vision could have been the result of a 'cid hallucination. He also dropped some acid to add another layer to the event. After pretty much failing the test, the caller was arrested. While it was a controlled study intended to prove a point in the documentary, the producers argued that those contstraints did not apply once the caller drove the car off-course. He went so far astray that he drove into the Newbridge Ice Barn during a hockey game between the Newbridge Coins and the Upper Westbridge Trumpets. After sliding across the ice, he drove up into the bleachers and hurt some people.

The authorities nabbed him, so he had to appear in court. He served as his own counsel and brought a briefcase containing only his spank mags to ensure instant respect. The D.A. was not into the briefcase, but the caller thought he got off to a good start with Judge Merkel, who was filling in while they search for a permanent replacement for Judge Davies. Tom remembers that Judge Davies is the guy who was disbarred for using a mysterious device while on the bench. This prompts the caller to mention that Tom once talked to his father about his role on another MSNBC investigative reports program. The man in question is "Fill1965", who called The Best Show in October to discuss his stint on To Catch A Predator and his plans to spin his predatory status into a branding initiative. Tom expresses his sympathy, but the caller says his father is a great man. However, his opinion recently changed when he went through his stuff and found a device constructed from hickory, terrycloth, and what appeared to be hardened candlewax. Tom finds it odd that this would change the caller's mind instead of the fact that he was caught soliciting underage girls. The caller says there are a lot of things going on and wonders who doesn't have issues. Tom says that he and plenty of other people are not candidates for committing vehicular mayhem at a hockey game or being a predator. The caller senses that Tom is judging him, and he doesn't like it. Tom says he's actually just refuting the claim that his dad is some kind of hero. While the caller was disappointed to discover the device, he says the corroded metal grommets on the internal flange crank suggest the PleasureSaurus was not in active use.

Tom's had his fill of the device, so he's pleased to get back to Judge Merkel. She told the caller that she liked his Newbridge Coat of Arms tie-clip. The piece features the image of a jewel-encrusted muffler surrounded by smokestacks underneath the town motto. The caller is shocked that Tom can't recite it: "Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun." Tom thinks it's weirdly passive, but the caller thinks the fact that the text fits on a tie-clip is even weirder. He says that although it requires a microscope to fully read, you can make out some numerals and letters. He says the motto he just revealed is probably the actual motto because he was told it was. He told Judge Merkel that the tie-clip liked her, and she got really mad even though there was nothing lewd or leering about the way he said it. The caller went on the offensive and made his case to the jury, yelling stuff like "You're all out of order!". Tom assumes that he was referencing a line from a movie, but the caller said he's heard people say that. Tom says he probably heard it in ... And Justice For All. Tom clarifies that he's talking about the film, not the Metallica album. The caller isn't sure if he's seen the film and thought he might have made it up. Tom tells him that it probably seeped into his consciousness over the years. After unleashing the famous Pacino line, the caller took out his own gavel and started pounding it. Unfortunately, it was just a quickie preliminary hearing, and the people he thought were the jury were schlubs there for speeding tickets and DUIs. One guy wearing a Norse Savage shirt threw a white choc-o-late Zero bar at him. Tom suspects the bar may be some kind of white power symbol, and the caller gets a bit flustered when addressing the question. He eventually admits that the candy wasn't part of the movement when he was involved with it. He's been out for a few months.

The caller's courtroom antics also included an attempt to remove the gun from the older bailiff's holser. He succeeded, and then all the cops in the room pounced on him. The caller thinks the cops secretly wish for that kind of action and swears he heard one of the pigpiling meatheads say that he dug what he was doing. Tom thinks it's far more likely that they dug preventing an accused criminal from stealing a weapon. The caller's dad is mad at the cops for roughing up his son. He's also upset that the cops on the set of Impaired and Dangerous got him drunk. The caller does not envy those that will have to answer to the charge of serving a minor. Tom asks the caller if he told them that he was underage. The caller asks for a definition of "tell". Tom asks him if he listed his correct age on any requisite paperwork. He did not. He said he was 21, but he's actually only 16. He lied about his age so he could get some television face-time, just like his dad. And his uncle, Reggie Monroe, who got kicked off Survivor for having a "spank-a-thon" in the woods.

Arsenio, I Miss You: The hard-hitting journalist probes Vanilla Ice

When his father is released from jail, the family wants to do a package tour called Monroe Mania: A Night of Songs, Stories, and Sex. The caller would love to have Tom MC the event. The proposed itinerary would start in Newbridge and then expand outward to Upper Westbridge, East Oldbridge, New Redbridge, Redbridge, and Old Redbridge. After concentrating on the Tri-Bridge area, the tour would hit Western Maine and eventually wind its way back to New York once the act is really tight. During the show, the caller will talk about his experiences on the The Apprentice, Jr., which was scrapped during the first day of filming. In order to choose captains for each team, all of the child contestants were required to make igloos from ice blocks that were onsite. The caller wanted to make a big impression during this fun teambuilding project, so he started barking commands at people and really trying to run the show. In his wild attempts to endear himself to Mr. Trump, the caller shoved a girl named Sheila out of the way while throwing ice blocks into the igloo to expedite its construction. Since he was unskilled in manual ice labor, he hit a guy named Matt in the face with one of the ice blocks. He died.

Tom's horrified, but the caller seems a bit indifferent to Matt's demise. He says he didn't know any better because he was only 14 at the time. He uses the same excuse for his drunk driving escapades. Tom says it sounds like he's only interested in making a big score on camera and being a bigshot on television. The caller points out that he also wants to score off camera. He begs Tom not to judge him, but Tom is unsympathetic to his family's quest to get on televison at any cost. The caller says he craves fame, but Tom says he's involved in the most embarrassing type of fame possible. The caller thinks it would be worse to be famous for getting killed with the ice block. Tom thinks it's worse in terms of being deceased, but at least you wouldn't have blood on your hands.

The caller sends an e-mail blast announcing Tom's role as MC for Monroe Mania and promises to keep in touch with updates on the start of pre-production. Tom reiterates that he will not be part of the show, but the caller plans to ensure his involvement. He will use a crane to lift a huge ice block and drop it on Tom's house. Tom's skeptical about his ability to get a crane onto his property, but the caller works for a crane service as an afterschool job. The caller warns Tom to get ready for the ice crane by dressing warmly. While his dad would like to get Tom, he has a bad hip and won't get out of jail for another 13 years. The caller vows to get Tom as long as he doesn't also end up in prison. He signs off with three chilling words: ICE ICE BABY.

- Jodi Ham from New Yawk calls (starts at 2:40) to talk about her life of torture because of her last name. Tom likes it, but the boys in school used to press against her to create a human panini. Her best friend was named Lisa Bosse, so the duo became known as "Ham and Kabosse". When Jody got married, her last name became the Italian entree, Ham-Marinella. However, she doesn't feel that bad about it because she went to school with a girl named Candy Store. Her guitar player is James Brown, who was sold to a group of Japanese businessmen on 12/25/06. Jodi's now-defunct band, The Wanda Jackson 5, once played on Chris T's WFMU program. She's trying to launch a new rockabilly band. Tom doesn't like it. He loves it. While Jodi is a first time caller, she's been a longtime supporter of WFMU, especially Rex and Naz the Spazz.

Tom also wants to talk about the lowly, embarrassing, six-aisle NYC grocery stores. Tom gets a lot of grief for picking on NYC and refusing to declare it the greatest city in the world. While Tom thinks it's great, he has no idea whether it's the greatest because he has not visited all the other cities. He also find aspects of NYC that are clearly inferior to other locales. For example, the grocery stores are wildly inferior to their robust New Jersey counterparts. Tom is particularly troubled by the merchandising mash-up that occurs due to the space limitations. He much prefers having an aisle designated for sweet snacks, an aisle for salty snack, half an aisle for cookies, etc. He also doesn't care for the miniature shopping carts that suggests playtime (Customer in Training!) and the fact that NYC stores only offer one head of lettuce.

Since the Trader Joe's is 20 blocks from her house, Jodi is looking forward to the Whole Foods that has been tempting residents for years. Tom points out that it takes 90 minutes to actually get inside the Trader Joe's. Rather than deal with that perverse joke, he recommends a trip to a Trader Joe's in New Jersey. While the city is full of corner delis and gourmet boutiques, Tom is not enthused by the weird sodeys, $200 packs of paper plates, and $11 cheeses. Jodi is ready to come back to NJ, but her husband refuses. Tom calls for her return.

- Mike calls (starts at 2:43) to offer another candidate for the Robin Williams of Rock title. A couple of months ago, his girlfriend declared Steven Tyler the RWoR after seeing him do his thang in The Decline of Western Civilization II: The Metal Years. Tom is familiar with Tyler's rambling riffs where he'll reference people like Mae West in an effort to relate to the kids. Tom thinks old movies have their place, but he doesn't trust anyone who's a little too into them. He doesn't think people need to list a film's credits like they're auditioning for Nick Clooney's job on American Movie Classics.

- Chris calls (starts at 2:46) to find out if Tom has ever been to the Western Beef supermarket. This NYC chain actually has 10 aisles! Tom's not that impressed and assumes the store still puts cookies and dog food in the same aisle. Tom thinks that's disgusting and wants a buffer between his pet and human food. He also doesn't want the Ajax mingling with the butter. Tom GOMPs him because he has to move things along.

- Jack calls (starts at 2:48) to skillfully merge the name topic with the NYC grocery store discussion. He cites odd names like Gristedes, D'Agostino, and (The) Health Nuts. Tom longs for the comforting strains of names like Shop-Rite, A&P, and Acme Market.

Blindfolded, slam-dunk "W" from Tom "The 'Chise" Scharpling:

Here's Tom's Top 6 of 2006 (track played in parantheses):

6. J Dilla - Donuts ("Workin' On It")
5. Yo La Tengo - I Am Not Afraid Of You And I Will Beat Your Ass ("I Should Have Known Better")
4. The Thermals - The Body, The Blood, The Machine ("Here's Your Future")
3. Ghostface Killah - Fishcale ("Underwater")
2. Jay Reatard - Blood Visions ("My Shadow")

They ran the gauntlet:

1. DC Snipers - Missile Sunset ("All Humans Under 25 Are Garbage")

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Merle Allin calls to promote an exciting GG Allin cover art contest, the Camry and Tercel twins dish some gossip on the Lamborghini and Ferrari twins, and Tom starts whirring the sound effects device.

For Terre T:


These recaps get better and better and better each week. Kudos sir!

Little surprised to see Pollard not crack Tom's top 6. One stellar (FaCE) and two very solid releases (Normal Happiness & Keene Bros.) in 2006.

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