Recidivism.

Listen up, Burkhalter: John Milius doesn't roll on Shobbos.

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"Can't do it. Can't do it tonight. Can't do it. [whimpers, moans] I'm scared. [brief cry-moan] I can't do the show tonight. [Cowardly Lion sound] I'm scared. I don't wanna do the show." -- Tom, shortly before breathing easy, getting on the ride, and believing that he can do the show just like any other DJ!

"You could set the atomic clock to Michael Anthony's bomp bomp bomp." -- Tom on the portly bassist's trademark reliability

"It shouldn't be a question mark where people can go to help out ?" -- Tom, recommending a landline for all charitable requests

"I've been busy." -- August, explaining why he hasn't called the show in several months

"Is there a way both of you could lose this feud?" -- Tom, rooting for no winners in the Piven-Dorff jerk-a-thon

"I thought that sounded terrible. That was some of the worst advice I've ever given." -- Tom on his proposed letter to a caller's long lost friend

"Sounds like he might've been for the Natzis. Did he have a Swasticker on his jacket?" -- Tom, questioning the loyalties of an eccentric World War II veteran

"It is high, it is far, it is gone ... Happy the Clown!" -- Tom via John Sterling, delivering the home run call

If Billboard had a section called "Disturbing", that guy'd be the High School Musical of that chart." -- Tom, sending a scatalogical caller straight to #1

"That was the coldest thing I've ever heard!" -- Tom on August's pacifist rejoinder to Petey's call to arms

"So it requires minimal brain activity?" -- August, assessing the intellectual demands of Breakout

"I wouldn't want that maniac in my pizzeria at 5 in the morning." -- Tom, denouncing a bread truck driver who accused him of running a hypocritical contest

"Get outta the house and make some money, you fat loser." -- Jennifer Schwalbach-Smith, ordering her husband to get an acting job

"He's one of the most uncool guys I've ever seen." -- Tom, exposing the myth of Funzie's coolness

"Wait, Orlando Jones wasn't good in a movie?" -- Tom, expressing disbelief that the noted thespian stunk it up in Primeval

"I mean, dude, you gotta pep it up a bit. If you're a broadcaster, you gotta be more alive." -- Toilet Mouth McGee, trying to tell The Kid how it's done

"I can feel it. He's got what it takes. He's just stupid enough to latch onto the show and not realize that he's just a complete dope and we're laughing at him." -- Tom on the fate that awaits Mr. McGee

"Oh, you just bought Dore-itos. Oh, you're so much better. That's the Artie Lange of food you just bought." -- Tom, judging those who judged his Beer League rental

"Artie Lange, don't you love the dude? I mean, the pinnacle of American civilization as we know it." -- Captain Jack, placing the comedian atop the cultural pedestal

"The best you could do is be just a little bit worse than The Best Show!" -- Tom, providing the only option for would-be challengers to the throne

[TBSOWFMU - 1/23/07 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 61 -- WHO QUIT?!] / Video Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

The Rolling Stones - "Jigsaw Puzzle" (apologies to Charles R. Martin)

( Click here to buy Beggars Banquet)

Big Business - "Hands Up" (from the forthcoming Here Comes The Waterworks)

( Click here to visit their Myspace page)

Tralala - "Yellow Taxi"

( Click here to buy Is That The Tralala)

Pezband - "On And On"

( Click here to buy Laughing In The Dark)

The Ponys - "Everyday Weapon" (from the forthcoming Turn Out The Lights)

( Click here to visit their Myspace page)

The Buff Medways - "A Distant Figure Of Jon"

( Click here to buy Medway Wheelers)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

(CLICK for BETTER READABILITY)

Did open-phone Tuesday action return to the program? Of course not! It remains filed next to the brontosaurus and Michael Anthony playing on the Van Halen reunion tour. Edward Van Halen is currently insane, so he’s determined that it will be a good idea to have his 15-year-old son, Wolfgang, play bass in front of millions on the =VH= reunion tour. Tom thinks Eddie is not showing proper respect for his son by sending him into certain stage death. Wolfie's only been playing the instrument for about 1.5 years, but Eddie says he’s great. He trained exclusively with Wizzard at last year's Jefferton Bass Fest. The new issue of Bass Player (the one with John Entwistle on the cover) reports that The Wolfman can hit the rare low G. Tom believes that you simply cannot question the value of the bomp that the plus-size Michael Anthony put into Van Halen's sound. He didn’t really do much else, but he brought the necessary bomp. The bomp was so reliable that one could use it to properly calibrate the atomic clock.

Tom considers Anthony a crucial band member because his bomp-bomp-bomp was the calming throughline that navigated David Lee Roth’s vocal pyrotechnics, Eddie’s eruptive shredfests, and Alex’s double-bass stickwork. Since Anthony is famous for his Jack Daniels-style bass, Tom wonders what kind of beverage Wolfgang’s bass will mimic. Tom speculates about a vitamin water- or POWERade-shaped bass, but Mike the Associate Producer believes the young musician will opt for a sippy juicebox model.

Tom vows to talk to anyone brave enough to call pre-topic. He issues a challenge to any listener: if you think you can deliver just on your own merit, you are welcome to call and see if you got what it takes. You gotta be good, and you gotta bring it. Tom notes that Spike has been MIA since the end of open-phone Tuesdays. Perhaps he realized that his tired doo-wop and slasher riffs have also gone the way of the sitcom Head of the Class and Tice's Farm (that's an inside one for the north Jerseyites).

- Evan from Montclair calls (starts at 32:30) to take Tom up on his challenge. He thinks that he's likely the most recent podcast subscriber, so Tom welcomes him into the 61-member family. The Best Show podcast lands in your iTunes box every week thanks to the great work of bookem_dan-o. The Hawaii-based FOT's recent one-year anniversary went briefly uncelebrated, but was quickly and appropriately hailed.

Evan needs to get one of those iPods, but he's hesitant due to the price points and their uncanny ability to break. Tom is amazed that Apple is riding the uncool our-stuff-breaks-so-just-buy-a-new-one business model. He can't imagine the public outcry if a refrigerator manufacturer tried that s in the 1950s. Evan imagines a similar level of disgust if GM used that kind of marketing campaign for the Chevrolet Bel Air. Tom thinks this is a symbol of what is wrong with the world. While he doesn't want to get all Roger & Me, he may have to visit the iPod factory in Korea Battle Creek, Michigan while clutching one of their broken devices. Tom's iPod is still functional, although he doesn’t have a fancy video iPod because he doesn’t want to pay $4 to watch Lost on a 1” screen. I don’t recommend watching Lost on any screen. ZING! Lindelof and Cuse, you just got zung by Omar, sons.

Evan wanted to know if Tom would be doing either a State of the Union prelude or some counter-programming. Tom is not familiar with this State of the Union thing. Evan explains that the President is making his annual speech to the ovation-happy Congress. Tom wonders if Bush ever shuts up since he bored everybody 10 days ago with his Iraq troop surge shenanigans. Evan thinks he could have just merged the two speeches and only pre-empted regular programming for one night. Tom was not pleased when Bush bumped The Knights of Prosperity all over the place. Tom put the Iraq thing on because he wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to the man he voted for twice. However, he only voted for him in 2004 because Kerry was a confusing flip-flopper. Tom wasn’t happy with Bush when gas prices soared, so he supported his impeachment. When gas prices fell, Tom was back on the Bushwagon, but after an uptick, he’s leaning towards impeachment again. Prior to the Bush coming on the air, ABC World News Tonight anchor Charles Gibson reviewed some bullet points in advance of the speech. Tom then watched as Bush proceeded to take 25 minutes to repeat everything Gibson just summarized in one minute.

Tom argues that the quality of television has never been better, so Bush should interrupt movies instead. Evan thinks it would be reasonable to air the speech on one channel, not unlike the Super Bowl and other major televised events. Tom would like to see all this content shifted to The Politics Channel. It already exists! This would allow people to watch the primetime speeches and let Tom get his George Lopez fix. Evan and Tom discuss a potential State of the Union channel. All SotU, all the time. The network would fill the thousands of hours of time between a live address with vintage speeches from Jimmy Garfield, Abraham Lincoln, and Wink Brylowski. Tom would check in on that channel. He would not, however, download State of the Union speeches on iTunes.

Speaking of Charlie Gibson, here’s a few tidbits that are rarely talked about because of The Anchorman’s Code that Brock Peuchk mentioned last week. Gibson and Charles Osgood started the Twin/Tone record label. At the time, Gibson was a booker for 7th Street Entry while doing some freelance journalism, and Osgood's son, Chris Osgood, was the vocalist/guitarist for The Suicide Commandos. The duo were also known for their extreme snobbery when anchoring the counter at Oar Folkjokeopus. They once reduced a female customer to tears after she inquired about a Green On Red record. Gibson eventually fled to New York after a torrid romance with Kat Bjelland went totally sour. Charles Osgood, who is also a gifted pianist, assisted Bob Mould with the production of Soul Asylum's Made To Be Broken. By the late 1980s, Osgood left the scene to devote more time to his news commentaries, but he did attend the 2004 benefit show for Karl Mueller. Dig around the archives for his report, which included some wild Hart-Mould gossip.

that dog - "Minneapolis"

Soul Asylum - "Tied To The Tracks

Evan references Tom's trip to Montclair to see The Queen, and he wonders if Tom was squeezed between the elderly in the second row. Tom sat behind some 70-year-olds, but he refuses to throw the old-timers under the bus. These elderly cinephiles help the advanced town provide what Tom calls "a little taste of New York." Evan's lived in Montclair for a couple of years, but he still hasn't adjusted to its culture. He does, however, enjoy the Montclair Book Center, which trounces anything you can find in Kearny or Lyndhurst. Tom also likes the classic Blimpie in that same area. He advises Evan to show proper respect to this Blimpie, which offers a superior sandwich slate compared to its chief rival, Subway. Evan did the undoable. He delivered the goods on his own.

- Boring Owen aka The Bore aka the caller formerly known No Smokin’ Joe calls (starts at 40:09) on behalf of a good cause. Tom reminds listeners that a couple of years ago the silicon chip implanted inside The Bore’s brain got switched to overload. While this malfunction normally causes someone to start shooting people, The Bore started lying instead. It wasn’t so peachy keen, and it probably wasn’t too neat for The Bore to admit defeat and come clean about his ruse. The Bore wants to drum up support for ? from ? and The Mysterians. His house burned down on January 11th. All of his possessions, including 40 years of memorabilia and his musical equipment, were destroyed. ? had seven Yorskshire Terriers, and four of them died in the fire. A fifth, Tiffany, had been sick since the fire and died on January 23rd. His pet parrot also perished.

? had no insurance, so multiple benefit shows are being planned, and you can donate via Paypal on the band’s official site. The Bore helped establish a YouTube Group where people can post cover versions of “96 Tears” and find out how to contribute. Tom tells The Bore that he's a good guy, and he tells Tom that he's a big fan of the show. Tom says he's sweet ... and boring. He almost fell asleep during the call. Tom thinks people need to use a landline when discussing charity work so they can be clearly heard. In other words, there shouldn't be a question mark about where people can go to help ?. While his connection was bad, Tom will not start a feud with The Bore because his heart is in the right place. ARTISTIC SLIDE INTO THE NEXT TOPIC!

- Tom eases into (starts at 43:47) the Let's Talk About Feuds topic by reviewing some of the latest antics of his warring life heroes. Rosie O'Donnell attacked American Idol for being junk, but then Mr. Trump defended the program. Tom compares this to an old-school US and A vs. USSR fight taking place in Poland. The ratings juggernaut somehow found themselves in the mix with two people they have no use for. Tom is pretty certain that their reaction to Rosie trashing them was "so what". When Trump came to their defense, it was "so what, part II." Since everyone in America watches the show, these kinds of skirmishes have no impact. Tom finds debates like the "Love it or Loathe It" Scrubs battle in a recent issue of Entertainment Weekly to be equally silly. Tom think the opposing opinions are worthless because even the hater would push his own mother in front of a bus to get a job writing for Scrubs. Not content with her Trump entanglement, professional feud fiend Rosie started with Oprah Winfrey because she had the The Miracle Kid of Missouri on her show. This is a story that isn't on Tom's radar. He's glad they found him and hopes everyone is happy, but The Kid doesn't have enough room in his head for this kid.

Tom lists some of notable The Best Show feuds:

1. No Smokin’ Joe.

2. Spike's brief banishment after he flaked out during the first 2006 WFMU Marathon show. Tom gave him an amazing opportunity to come to The Magic Factory and co-host The Best Show for the full three hours. Spike did not commit to the gig because he has to get up at 4 a.m. for his government job. Weak.

3. On-and-off flare-ups with Petey, including a 2006 court appearance after he used Paypal to run a business of giving out Tom's IM address in chat rooms. Petey was convicted and appropriately sentenced.

4. Laurie turned on the show for a week with a premature "L" prediction in the FOT Chat, but now she's back. Tom likes Laurie.

5. Purple Shirt vs. Officer Tom. The Best Show's biggest feud pitted a Body Count-loving New Jersey law enforcement official against a tall-bike- and unicyle-riding enthusiast from Williamsburg.

A bit later in the show, Tom mentions his feud with the FOT Chat. The tensions were alleviated a few weeks ago when the Chat community bought Tom a sound effects machine. Due to some scheduling restrictions, Tom was unable to set it up. It will make its debut very soon.

Tom thinks it’s time for a new feud on The Best Show. He wants to hear about desired feuds, existing family or neighbor feuds, feud challenges, or suggestions for feuds that Tom could start over the air. While Tom enjoys a good feud, he ultimately wants to put them to rest. Tom's ability to bury the hatchet -- against all odds -- with No Smokin' Joe shows that he's a goodkinded man.

- August is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The FOT fave checks back in (starts at 50:07) after an extended hiatus. August's explanation for his absence is simple: he was busy. For the last 11 Tuesdays. He wants to let Tom know about a feud he won while he was introducing of the feud topic. August was halfway done making a milkshake, and he faced a classic dilemma. He had to decide whether to finish constructing the ice cream treat or call The Best Show. Tom won. Tom wants to hear more about the aborted attempt to concoct the milkshake. August says he was at the mid-blend point of his vanilla shake -- it was edible, but had yet to achieve proper consistency. August also likes strawberry, but he's had some bad experiences with chocolate. He's also into the mint genre, such as mint chocolate chip. Tom is impressed by August's appreciation for more subtle flavors over chocolate, a flavor preference that Tom associates with goons and caveman. Tom thinks it's perfectly reasonable to enjoy a chocolate candy bars or chocolate milkshakes from time to time, but it's boorish to devote your life to consuming chocolately foods. August is with Tom on this one. He says that he'll occasionally dip into Rocky Road for the marshmallows. Tom says that August is a lot like him when it comes to ice cream, and August takes it as a compliment. Tom imagines that August's sophisticated palette might enjoy a fine cognac at some point later in life. August says he doesn't like congnac "too much right now," a response that suggests he's sampled some. Tom would be horrified if he liked cognac now.

Tom asks August if he was involved in any school feuds, and he says he just has some dead ones. Tom confirms that no people died -- August put the feuds to rest and moved on. Tom calls August a mature young man, and August agrees with the assessment. Tom doesn't like it. He loves it! Tom's glad that August is no longer feuding with his blender.


You call this a screenplay, you pasty bitch? I've read better from Kevin Smith. Lloyd!!!!!

- Tom heard about (starts at 54:17) a hott new feud brewing between Jeremy Piven and Stephen Dorff. Tom hopes there are two losers in the battle of the guy who plays the jerk on Entourage vs. the guy who played the evil vampire in Blade. Piven also answered the jerk all-call for the new film Smokin’ Aces. The cast also includes Ben Affleck, Andy Garcia, and Ryan Reynolds. (I'm assuming that Tom would exempt Jason Bateman from jerkdom.) All of these performers make Tom's skin crawl. He will probably see the film, but he won’t like it because it’s 15 people being turned loose with firearms. Tom always falls for these sub-Tarantino genre riffs with eight minutes of good scenes stuck in a flabby lump of bad storytelling.

Mike told Tom about a feud he's having with his neighbor. The neighbor in question walks his dog, but doesn't take responsibility for scooping up any of its releasings. The neighbor's position is that he isn't his dog's keeper, so he is relieved of any cleaning duties. He advised Mike to address any issues directly with the dog. Tom is on the verge of a feud with himself over the feud topic temporarily flatlining because everyone is glued to the Presidential address.

- One of the Chris Ls rescues the topic (starts at 58:12) by starting a feud with the other 10 Chris Ls that populate The Best Show audience. This Chris L is the The Wire and Alejandro Jodorowsky enthusiast who hails from Maryland. While he has much respect for the Chris L who created the opening theme, he wants to resolve the overcrowding with a battle of the Chris Ls. Which Chris L will reign supreme?

- Steve in Brooklyn calls (starts at 59:38) to get some advice on how to deal with the exhumation of an old feud. A few years ago, he met a girl through some mutual friends, and their platonic friendship ended after some kind of blowup. He hadn't heard from her since October 2005, but she sent him an e-mail this morning. She heard something on the radio about the concept of losing your cool, which inspired her to apology for her past cool-losing behavior. Steve thought she was gone forever, and now she's pulled him back in. Tom wants Steve to call her live on the air, but he doesn't have her phone number. Tom composes a letter:

Dear [insert ladyfriend name],

It’s so nice of you to apologize. Yes, you were wrong in this matter, but I am a big person, and I find it in my heart to forgive you for your flaws. I am welcoming you back into my world, although I will keep you at arms length until you earn the privilege of being in my inner circle. I will speak to you within the next three months.

Good day, madam,

Steve

Steve likes it. Tom points out that the "within the next three months" grants him the luxury to initiate a further connection in two weeks or wait out the full 90-day window. Steve isn't sure how she'll react to the missive -- she might erupt in anger, she may really want to reconnect, or the whole thing could be a joke -- but he promises to keep Tom posted. Tom is alarmed that Steve appeared to take the terrible advice at complete face-value and plans to use it. Tom believes it was some of the worst advice he's ever doled out.

- Mark from Portland calls (starts at 1:05), so Tom wants to know if he has any current feuds with the street trash. He correctly assumed that Mark was calling from Portland, Oregon. If he was from Portland, Maine, he might feud with Captain Logan and the other hardcore fisherman at the Golden Wharf. Mark doesn't have any problems with the locals, but he does have a feud story involving a crazy neighbor from his Louisiana youth. This somewhat nutty man was a WW2 veteran with gun racks in his living room, but he was nice enough to Mark and his parents. One day, Mark's father was cutting down branches from his tree because they were hanging over into their yard. The kook walked onto their property and pushed the ladder. Mark's father fell on the ground, but was not injured. No fences = bad neighbors. Based on this maniacal outburst, Tom wants to know if the man fought on behalf of the Natzis. Mark was too young to remember if his clothing was decorated with any Swastickers.

The loon became increasingly rambunctious with people in the neighborhood and eventually declared WAR on everybody, including Happy the Clown, who lived across the street from Mark's family. Tom is no longer interested in anything about the war veteran. He wants to know everything about this clown. He was a local television celebrity who also did parties and drove a van. Tom is not surprised by his choice of vehicle because there's no way that somebody in Louisiana named Happy the Clown doesn't own a van. Prior to becoming a southern clown, Happy had a brief stint playing for the New York Yankees. Mark's eclectic and eccentric company prompts Tom to ask him if he's one of the Royal Tenenbaums. He's not, but he admits it was a funny neighborhood in retrospect.

Mark says that Happy was a nice, friendly guy who loved the area despite not really fitting in with the rest of the people. He was the second baseman for the Yankees for one year, but a fluke injury derailed his career. Tom wants Mark to do an impression of Happy making the decision to transition from the diamond to clowning. Mark initially refuses to do the Louisiana accent, but he relents and entertains America with a line scripted by Tom: "Well, it looks like my baseball career’s about over. Might as well go down to Rex's, get some facepaint." Mark inserted the "about" and "Rex's" for some local flavor. Despite those touches, Tom doubts the authenticity of the accent. He thinks it just sounded rushed, like the car commercial codas about financing and leasing rules. Mark defends his rendition by saying that he and his people talk fast and funny.

In high school, Mark's friend came over to the house and was excited to spot the Happy the Clown van. Just as Mark told him that Happy actually lived there, the now-retired clown started yelling at some kids about what the hell all these dirty diapers were doing in his front yard. Mark cannot confirm the presence of the diapers and thinks Happy may have hallucinated them while on the sauce. Tom wants to know if Happy's van had transparent windows that allowed people trapped within to wave at the outside world for help. Mark says Happy was harmless and did not apply black spray paint to his windows. Tom can't decide if he will leave for Louisiana tonight or assign it the top spot on his never-go-there list.

Mark returns to the far less happy WW2 guy, who eventually became known for spending the night up in his tree with a shotgun. He finally started to mellow out after 15 years of neighborhood warfare, and Mark recently discovered that his crazy antics were at least partly provoked by kids egging his house. Tom thinks this is the perfect time to ramp the feud right back up. Mark recommends waiting for his trigger finger to stop working before reignited any old flames. Tom would dump a milkshake on his head like he was in a sitcom. If the old man is smart, he'll play it cool and just enjoy the nice strawberry treat. Since the scene is talking place in Louisiana, Tom changes it to a catfish and bourbon milkshake. Tom thanks Mark for the picaresque journey into the Cajun swamps. Mark says his family lived on dry land.

I tried to find out the identity of this Happy the Clown, but the historians are stumped. Perhaps Philly Boy Roy has some stories about the Philadelphia version.

- Jonah in Cleveland calls (starts at 1:16) to enlist Tom in his theoretical feud with Paul Giamatti. At a party a couple of weeks ago, a friend of a friend said he looked like that guy from Sideways ("Weird movie, dawg."). He got a bit offended, and he ultimately channeled his hatred towards Giamatti's schlubby loser routine. Jonah became mad that this man existed. Tom wouldn't want to be likened to Giamatti, but he thinks Jonah needs to redirect his feud to the mutual friend. Jonah agrees to give him an ultimatum: he must choose between Jonah and his other loudmouth friend. In the worst case scenario, Jonah may have to terminate the friendship if he determines that his friend's friend-selection skills are beyond repair. Tom thinks this is an example of the lack of restraint that plagues the Internet age -- just because you can write it in an e-mail, doesn’t mean you have to say it out loud. Tom gets rude e-mails from people who think certain bits on the show stink. The bottom line: Tom doesn't care if you didn't like it. Keep it to yourself.

- Ed calls (starts at 1:19) to discuss a one-sided feud his batty mother is having with her two blind neighbors. She got set off when she watched them install a swinging love seat in the back yard. They set it up the wrong way -- instead of looking out towards the view (likely not an issue for BLIND people) , they are facing the garage door. This mishap drove her nuts, and Tom wants to know why. Ed says that the retired lady has plenty of time to stare out the window and go nuts over what she sees. Tom thinks it's time for her to volunteer for a two-day/week, five-hour shift at the local library. By spending some time putting books back on the shelves, she might be able to straighten herself out and calm down. Tom doesn't think she should be criticizing how visually impaired people install outdoor furniture like she has the discerning eye of a master aesthetician.

The guy who lives across the street has a seeing-eye dog who does its business in the middle of the street. The blind gentlemen can sense that the dog is bringing it by his posture, but when the deed is done, the dog moves out of the way. Ed has been unable to convince his mother to help the guy as he puts a baggie on his hand and tries to feel around for the fresh lumps of feces. Tom can't tolerate the disgusting scatalogical talk, so he GOMPs Ed and his mother for being sick and hate-filled. The Best Show is not a porno program, and Tom compares this off-the-charts disturbing call to a chat with Larry Flynt or Al Goldstein. Tom says that if Billboards magazine had a section called “Disturbing”, Ed would be the High School Musical of that chart. He'd be a runaway hit along the lines of Hannah Montana or The Suite Life of Zach and Cody. Tom is a fan of the latter program. He likes Zach, but he thinks Cody is a showoff who's in dire need of some comedic chops.

- Petey calls (starts at 1:25) to start a feud with August. Tom understands his desire. He senses that August makes Petey feel like he's yesterday news. He sees promise and potential in the new kid on the scene. When Petey looks in the mirror, he's disgusted and realizes that he's washed up. August embodies the spirit of Rocky II, but Petey has been cast in Rocky VIII. Petey downplays the existential crisis angle. He just wants to fight someone. However, Petey isn't sure if he's allowed to fight a littler boy. Tom prefers to use the standard English word "younger", and he points out that the younger August doesn't do any weird cartoon voices. Petey claims that he hasn't done this kind of voicework for four months. Tom argues that Petey just did the voice by doing an impression of his "littler" line. Petey makes a distinction between goofy word choice and a full-on goofball performance. He also admits to being addicted to "Breakout", a new drug found in the FOT Arcade. Petey defeated P. Nut Chew, but he wants to get his high score above 30,000 as a yardstick for his ultimate potential in life. Tom thinks it's healthy to judge oneself via video games, and Petey believes that he will be able to "take over people" if he breaks through the 30k barrier.

August checks in (starts at 1:27) to address Petey's challenge. Their initial exchange is a memorable mix of styles -- Petey's punky request followed by August's practical pacifism:

Petey: “Hey, August. You wanna fight?”

August: "Um, is there really a reason to?"

Tom thinks August's chilly zing just shut Petey down and won the fight. Petey says he shut him down because he’s older. August argues that age is meaningless, but Petey thinks the added life experience helps you know more stuff and be better at things like Breakout. Petey bets that August plays the cliché FPS Halo. Misread! Petey proposes a championship Breakout battle, but then Tom expands it to a three-part contest: Petey picks a game, August picks a game, and Tom picks a game. August wants to know if Breakout involves any strategy. Petey says it has to do with moving mouses left or right. August concludes that the game requires minimal brain activity. Petey tries to defend the game, suggesting that brain power is required to quickly determine the best peddle-ball machinations. August isn't impressed, dismissing Breakout as an Internet version of Wall Ball or handball. Tom's heard enough. It pains him to do so, but he rules that Petey just got thumped. August whipped him with a strap, Ghostface-style, borrowing some aerial moves from Doctor Strangelove does it. Meanwhile, Petey’s tied to the land like Sandman. Petey thinks August is cheating by bombing him from the air. Tom GOMPs him for making the wild accusation. Tom congratulates August on his victory. In his auspicious FOT Chat debut, August asked Petey, “Ever hear of coexistence?” Is there room for both of these young men in The Best Show universe? The Kid certainly gives love gives love gives love gives love to both:

- Jack from New York calls (starts at 1:32) to inform Tom that his stylee was jacked on The Naked Trucker and T-Bones Show. In the promos running on Comedy Central, David Kohekenir, who plays T-Bones to David "Gruber" Allen's The Naked Trucker, unleashes an "I don't like it ... I love it!" catchphrase. Uh oh. Tom will sue him because he carefully crafted and workshopped that joke. He copyrighted 800 jokes and catchphrases, but he isn’t sure if that was one. Tom doesn’t like it. He hates it. Tom will contact his lawyer and issue a cease-and-desist on the program. Jack was offended by the heist, and he wants Tom to take Kochnecker down. As arcuradio pointed out on the FOT forum, Kokomorosie also called CCR the "American Beatles". What's next? Koachner attacking the Aberzombie & Fitch uberdouche? Putting the DC Snipers on his iTunes celebrity playlist? Singing the Magnolia soundtrack while in the bathtub?

- Tom recalls (starts at 1:34) the feud between Queen and David Bowie that erupted during the recording of Hot Space. Bowie did a lot of backup vocals, but after he and the band got into a fight, Queen erased all of his vocals from the final album. The dispute apparently stemmed from a snide remark John Deacon made about Bowie's performance in Just a Gigolo. Tom was also amazed to find out that Stephen Stills removed Jim E. Hendrix from "Love the One You're With". Hendrix performed a guitar solo, and then Stills, in the ultimate act of hubris, decided that his steel drum playing was better than Hendrix’s axe work. He erased it. Since Bowie and Queen had a falling out, the only example of their Hot Space collaboration is "Under Pressure". Tom wants to finally answer the age-old debate of who wins the Freddie Mercury vs. David Bowie sonic one-upsmanship. Mike the Associate Producer sides with Bowie. Tom opens the phones for some rapid-fire votes:

* Megan in Bloomfield says Mercury's astounding work makes him the clear winner. David Bowie is merely singing, but Mercury goes above and beyond in her favorite song ever.

* A guy who sounded a bit like Charles R. Martin votes David Bowie hands down. He believes the track reeks of Bowie, whose songwriting chops are all over it, much like his Mott the Hoople assist.

* A caller goes with Freddy Mercury because he’s the man and does a better performance. He thinks Bowie is just a guest on Queen's show.

* A caller gives Mercury the edge because after Bowie sets him up with "Insanity laughs under pressure we're
cracking," he takes it to another level with "Why can't we give love that one more chance."

* A caller thinks the song is horrible and gives his vote to Vanilla Ice. Tom declines comment.

* A caller agrees with the previous caller, declaring Mercury the winner for his passionate performance at the end.

* A caller thinks Tom's got a lot of nerve running this contest because he previously criticized the Scrubs debate in EW.

Tom thinks the caller is a dope who should be watching the State of the Union. Tom never said The Best Show was a news program. Tom thought he was headed for a fairly comfortable 96-88 W (not as close as the scored would indicate), but now this guy threw a soda on the court. Two players just slipped. Since this guy disrupted play, Tom decides to spend the next half hour deconstructing every nuance of "Under Pressure"'s 3:58 running time. Tom accuses the caller of being a bread truck maniac who waltzes into pizzerias at 5 a.m. Tom makes it clear that you can't Top or Stop The Best Show. Tom proceeds (starts at 1:45) with his Fair Song Review:

* 0 points for Mercury's meek "Um-bum-ba-bay" opening; he'll get points for nonsense sounds later in the track.

* 1 point to Bowie for kicking the song off in solid fashion -- Mercury lacked the guts to start off with actual words.

* 1 point for Mercury's next verse, although Bowie joins him on "puts people on streets".

* As Tom promised, Mercury gets 1 point for "Ee-day-doh".

* Bowie locks down 1 point with "It's the terror of knowing / What this world is about".

* Mercury ties it 3-3 with "Pray tomorrow -- gets me higher".

Tom wonders if he knows every vocal part well enough to break the tie and pass the ultimate test of an off-the-dome rendition, either a cappella or with CD accompaniment. He wants a caller to provide the requisite claps and snaps. A guy auditions for the role, but Tom thought he was terrible. Another caller puts his girlfriend up for the part, but she got the wrong sides and does the Mercury mouth-noises instead of the proper backing. Tom considers searching for a karaoke version, but he doesn't have the time. He sings along with the record:

Tom Scharpling (ft. David Bowie & Farrokh Bulsara) - "Under Pressure"

Tom declares Bowie the winner. My pick: Tom Scharpling! This was easily the most exhilarating version of the song ever performed -- Tom's operatic "Why-why-why" into the rousing plea for love trumps the power of the original.

Silent Bob Speaks: Kevin Smith goes vaguely undercover to gather material for his next college lecture tour

Tom noticed that Kevin Smith was doing reaction shots as Goofball #2 in Catch and Release, the awful new Jennifer Garner romcom. Tom predicts that two years from now, Smith will trash the film as a total cash-grab. He'll claim that he only took the job because his wife called him a fat loser and made him leave the house to make some money. Tom assures listeners that the insult-laden Smith household is not representative of married life. Tom also mentions The Dantes, an exciting New Jersey band whose members dress up like Kevin Smith characters. I listened to a few tracks on Myspace, and the dude who dresses like Noman the Golgothan (aka "The Poop Monster") from Dogma is a pretty good drummer. Think ?questlove meets Chad Channing.

- Tom discusses (starts at 2:13) an e-mail request for some insight into a peculiar Charles Grodin guest spot. A young man named Jixby noticed that Grodin's filmography includes a credit for playing himself on a 1981 episode of Laverne & Shirley. The episode took place in the early 1960s when Grodin was a working actor, but it was years before his breakout role in The Heartbreak Kid.

Jixby wants to know if Grodin was playing a younger, struggling-actor version of himself or an alternate-universe version of himself where he exists in the 1960s with the same amount of fame he had achieved by 1981. Upon first reading the e-mail, Tom was terrified that this was the kind of correspondence he received from fans. However, the query stuck with him, and now it's the only thing he can think about. Tom wants answers. He appears to be leaning towards Jixby's second option because Happy Days was a haven for alternate realities, such as Mork stopping by for an epic battle between his laser-enabled index finger and Funzie's thumb. Tom also recalls an era when everyone on the show started looking like Matt Dillon in Over The Edge. Tom doesn't think anyone in the 1950s had the long mullets favored by the wayward youths in the 1979 film. At one point, Chachi further compromised period detail by sporting an earring. Tom is pretty sure he also jumped pop-culture decades by wearing a Battlestar Galactica t-shirt in an episode.

When Tom was littler, he thought Funzie was the coolest, but when he revisits Happy Days now, he realizes that he was one of the most uncool guys ever. He can't understand how a 5' 2" nerd with an ill-fitting leather jacket ever became the epitome of cool. Tom's 2007 assessment: a nerd with his hair greased up. He fooled us! Tom always preferred The Funz's powder-blue windbreaker phase. Tom was Too Cool, while The Funz was Not Cool Enough!

- Patricia, Spike's groovy night nurse, calls (starts at 2:17) after Tom's voice compelled her to stop pushing buttons on her radio. After revealing that nerd spelled backwards is "dren", Patricia slurs some Grodin-based fragments about shark jumping, rehab, and Howard Stern. Tom questions why he even does the show if this is who's really out there. Whether "Patricia" was a character or a real person, it was a whole lotta terrible. The experience leaves Tom numb.

- A caller agrees (starts at 2:20) that Funzie wasn’t cool or tough, citing the fact that he had to get the help of Carmine "The Big Ragu" Ragusa when fighting in a gang situation. The caller pretends he doesn't know the origins of the Ragusa character, so Tom GOMPs him for failing to flaunt his expertise. Tom feels like the fumble-happy New Orleans Saints being victimized by a Chicago Bears recovery and runback in the NFC Championship game. Despite these third-hour setbacks, Tom vows to remain undefeated for the month of January. Tom switches to a new topic because Happy Days brings out the dregs. Tom isn't surprised that talking about a 1978 sitcom lured people out of the woodwork.

- Tom launches (starts at 2:22) a consumer advocacy topic called "I WANT MY MONEY BACK!". He wants to hear about regrettable purchases ranging from a subpar peppermint patty all the way up to a house. Tom bought a DVD/VCR dubbing combo unit so he could eliminate the clutter of boxes of old VHS tapes. He hooked it up and tried to dub something he taped off TV 15 years ago. It rejected the blank DVDs due to copyright restrictions. Tom dropped thrills bills on the burner, and he wants all three back.

- A self-proclaimed heir to The Kid's throne calls (starts at 2:25) to question Tom's decision to dump the hot-sounding Patricia. Tom decides to dump him so he can go work on his history paper. Tom doesn't want anybody telling him how to do it because the best anyone can ever hope for is to be a little bit worse than The Best Show.

- A mutant laments (starts at 2:26) a bad crippler purchase. I think this guy meant to call Rutager's radio show on WNCC.

- Johnny from the Jersey Shore calls (starts 2:27) to praise Tom's professional vocals on his "Under Pressure" performance. Tom tells Johnny to check out The Consolidated the next time they play in Point Pleasant. Johnny starts to complain about his new cell phone, but Tom gives him the quick hook. He thinks this show might become his Seasons in Hell or Chinese Democracy, due out on March 6th.

- Matt from Warren calls (starts at 2:29) to get a refund on Primeval. Tom can't believe that a horror movie released in early January is terrible. Based on the trailer, Matt assumed the serial killer was a human, but this was not the case. Tom issues a 15-second SPOILER WARNING before Matt reveals the nature of this beast. 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... it's a terribly-CGI'd, 20-foot-long crocodile. Tom doesn't believe it. In addition to this laughable villain, Matt thought Orlando Jones' dialogue was especially reprehensible. Tom is shocked because he thought the 7 Up pitchman was the perfect comedic foil for David Duchovny and Julianne Moore in Evolution. The producers settled on these comedy titans after discovering that Willem Dafoe and comedy insider Klaus Kinski were unavailable. Matt quotes the most disturbing line uttered by Jones in Primeval: “If this is what Africa is like, I’m glad they invented slavery.” Tom recoils in pain.

- A caller asks (starts at 2:32) a New Paltz, N.Y., pizzeria for his money back because they ruined his Philly cheesesteak by adding lettuce and tomatoes.

- Toilet Mouth McGee demands (starts at 2:33) monetary compensation for his broken radio. He smashed it with a bat because the show is so bad. He thinks Tom needs to pep it up and come alive like other broadcasters. Tom starts laughing. He's a proud graduate of the CSB where he trained with the great Joe Benigno, while the caller can barely put two sentences together. Tom thinks this guy's delivery sounds like the flow of rap star Denny Blaze. Tom refuses to fight McGee because he's so over his head. It's not fair for a boxer to knock out someone who wandered into the ring from the stands. Tom wants McGee to give the show a fair chance and get into its rhythm. If he still has a problem with it, then Tom will take his head off.

McGee calls again, but Tom tells Mike to ban the bush-leaguer from the airwaves. Tom talks to him off the air and requests a 30-minute demo tape that he promises to play on the air in its entirety. Tom GOMPs him for claiming that his real name is Lou Pinella. More Lou Pinella, less Joe Torre! Tom hopes a truck runs his feet over so he has to waddle around with weird casts. Tom's predicts that in six months, this caller will either not have called in four months, or he will be Tom's favorite caller. He thinks McGee/Pinella is just stupid enough to stick with the show and allow Tom to turn him into a buffoon for everyone else's amusement.

- A caller says (starts at 2:35) he received a substandard pizza egg roll at Kennedy Fried Chicken. He wants his money back.

Last song from Jawbox's last-ever D.C.-area show. HELP CAL!

- David from D.C. calls (starts at 2:36) to apologize for all the haters. Tom doesn't mind because you need haters to have lovers. He doesn't want dummies to like the show. Tom predicts that David wants his money back from some Dischord purchases, but he thinks the label is making a comeback with bands like Aquarium and Medications. He does want his money back on the iTrip, a transponder that sticks into your iPod so it will play on your car radio through an empty frequency. However, the device is useless to David because he can't locate a suitable frequency for a static-free listening experience. He also thinks the device is flimsy, unsafe, and doesn't charge. (In Griffin's defense, they do offer iTrip products with integrated chargers.)

- Kyle calls (starts at 2:39) to get his money back from the SUNY-Cortland bookstore. The new semester just started, so he had to buy a boatload of overpriced textbooks. His haul of six books cost him about $200. Tom knows one of the flim-flam artists who works for a publisher of collegiate textbooks. The guy was bragging to Tom about gouging college stooges for books that cost 30 cents to make.

- Eric in Staten Island calls (starts at 2:43) to trash the New York City Metropolitan Transit Authority. He takes their ferry, buses, and subways every day to get to work in Manhattan. He wants his money back because the buses are constantly late, the rates hikes are too frequent, and the subways are crowded and smelly.

- Thomas from Jersey City calls (starts at 2:45) to report that he's still laughing at Tom's quip about a Corzine lookalike prowling around Whole Foods in search of organic avocados. Thomas throws in another dial-it-down vote for Rachel Ray. He's sick of that chick.

Thomas takes the insane 99S bus from Port Authority to Jersey City, and he assures Tom that the "S" does not stand for savings. This bus is known for reckless drivers who yell at passengers. Thomas has seen two bus drivers get in a fight near the scary strip on the edge of Weehawken and Hoboken, featuring Dykes Lumber, the only indie hardware store left standing in America. This area also has a nice strip club. In addition to the unpleasant ride, the bus is constantly being moved to different gates at the terminal, so it's difficult to even find it. The passengers that do manage to board the bus end up looking at each other with a face that says, "Why did I do this?" Thomas says the bus is so packed that it's often impossible to alert the driver to your desired stop using the standard alert strip, so you end up screaming at the top of your lungs. Mike wholeheartedly agrees with the description of the 99S.

Tom would love to see two bus drivers settle their dispute with fisticuffs. However, there's one method of conflict resolution that Tom would prefer: seeing who could run over Toilet Mouth McGee harder. He'd be tied up in a chair, and the drivers would take turns flattening him as he emitted toilet-mouth phrases about pep.

- Tom talks about (starts at 2:51) his adventures while renting Beer League (not to be confused with Beerfest). His grocery store has a DVD vending machine that allows you to rent movies for $1/day. As Tom flipped through the comedies on the screen, he remembered that his friend Gil Gerard had a small part as Ump #2 in Beer League. He pulled the trigger. Unfortunately, the screen froze on a giant picture of the Michael Anthony-sized Artie Lange for two minutes. As customers exited the store, they stared at Tom like he was human garbage for trying to rent the film. Tom didn't like being judged because he could have sifted through their carts and judged them right back for buying Dore-itos, the Artie Lange of food. The machine finally dispensed the first disc of Lange's magnum opus. Tom can't believe that the film was released as a 2-disc set considering that Criterion managed to fit their edition of The Third Man, one of the best films ever made, on a single disc. The Beer League DVD includes nine featurettes, including one that is longer than two minutes. Tom viewed the film, and he wants 70 cents back.

- Captain Jack calls (starts at 2:55) to say that Tommy is beloved out in the heartland. He also believes that Artie Lange is the pinnacle of American civilization as we know it. Captain Jack felt bad for Petey because he thought he won the debate against the "emotional robot". Tom reminds him that he's disparaging a nine-year-old kid. Captain Jack thinks Tom is letting down Petey, the show's favorite "pre-schooler". Tom informs Captain Jack that Petey is now 31 with a full beard. It's been a long, long time since Tom changed his diapers on the air. Captain Jack wants Tom and Mike to join him in the Village to pick up some Go Go Girls. Once they secure the ladies, they will hit the road with a bottle of tequila -- just like they did it in the old days! Tom doesn't comment on the proposed itinerary, but he does appreciate Captain Jack's spirited call. Captain Jack declares tonight's installment one of the best shows he's ever heard, and he doesn't think Tom should let the ne'er-do-wells put him down. Captain Jack says he's behind Tom all the way, but Tom interprets this as an unpleasant stalkery scenario rather than a pledge of support. If Tom senses that Captain Jack is behind him, he will turn around. Before returning to the stage to play saxophone with his band, Captain Jack parts with a message for his brother from another mother: "Let's kick the crap out of 2007, Tommy!" Captain Jack also promised to e-mail Mike the recipe for a jalapeno-Paxil dip.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Evan "Funkalicious" Davies swings by to give away tickets to three past shows (the 1989 Moscow Music Peace Festival, Lollapalooza 1994, and Wake Ooloo at the Budapest Cocktail Lounge on 2/1/97), Petey explains How He Learned to Stop Feuding and Peacefully Coexist with August, Purple Shirt reviews the injuries he suffered during the Idiotarod, and Tom declares a winner in this duet:

Posted by Omar at 8:28 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 1:02 PM | Permalink | Comments

The turnstyle and elevator action shots are super nifty, but I also really dig the James P. Coyle-style write-ups.

Posted by x amount at 10:50 AM | Permalink | Comments

Cut from Yorke's K. Smithian first draft playlist: commentary on "Dr. Octagon's early production work with Ultramagnetic MCs" and a brief bit of insight into "how well Mistadobalina fits into the Gorillaz."

Posted by x amount at 10:07 AM | Permalink | Comments

After 17 years of unstoppable drum beating, there's no way the EB is gonna go out at the hands of six girls in rural Chattanooga.

Posted by Omar at 2:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

David Foster Wallace's Top 10 books from the appropriately titled The Top Ten:

1. The Screwtape Letters - C.S. Lewis
2. The Stand - Stephen King
3. Red Dragon - Thomas Harris
4. The Thin Red Line - James Jones
5. Fear of Flying - Erica Jong
6. The Silence of the Lambs - Thomas Harris
7. Stranger in a Strange Land - Robert A. Heinlein
8. Fuzz - Ed McBain
9. Alligator - Shelley Katz
10. The Sum of All Fears - Tom Clancy

Legit? Fun with listmaking? One never knows, after all, now does one now does one now does one.

Posted by Omar at 12:22 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 9:05 AM | Permalink | Comments

I remade a 1982 Sylvester Stallone film! What'd you ever do?

("Ramboy" by Sam Gilbey)

Posted by Omar at 7:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

"What one man can do, another can do! What one man can do, another can do! What one man can do, another can do!" -- Tom, trying not to lose his edge

"It pains me to see them fight." -- Tom, enduring the ongoing feud between his beloved icons, Mr. Trump and Rosie

"It feels like I'm being put through a stress test. I wasn't enjoying myself." -- Tom on Fox's too-much-actioner, 24

"You don’t know!" -- Tom, shattering the myth of sports prognosticators

"You're not my cup of tea, but I tip my hat to you for running the gauntlet." -- Tom, giving it up to Michael Bolton's longevity

"Must he revolutionize the world every five minutes?" -- Weirder Jon on the gizmo-crazed Steve Jobs

“What are you doing with that thing? You pick your teeth with it?” -- Tom, wondering what Weirder Jon does with the obsolete iPod mini

"That was a weird movie, dawg." -- Mike Francesa, struggling to comprehend Alexander Payne's bizarre About Schmidt

"My daddy said we could get wireless maybe around Thanksgiving if I'm good." -- Tom, hoping to dial up a broadband connection before year's end

"You know what, I prefer my entertainment crafted by professionals." -- Tom, rejecting amateur-hour videographers

"Come on, guys, it's 2006." -- Stan from Staten Island, asking Moslems to get on board with racial profiling

"No vegetables allowed!" -- Carl's Jr.'s culinary Man Law

"Clean living. I'm straight! I'm like Jonathan Richman. I'm not like Hippy Johnny." -- Tom on his Vice-free, sXe stylee

"It could have wings on it and fly, but if you don't know how to make it fly, it's not gonna do you any good." -- Tom on the unskilled SUV drivers hopelessly sliding around the Turnpike

"The Ultimate Warrior figured out how to use multiple colors, why can't the Norwegian death metal people figure it out?" -- Ryan, wondering when the full color spectrum will surface in Mayhem's artwork

"I don't even smoke pot, and I was like, 'I would wear that on a shirt.' That looks cool." -- Tom on the appealing pot leaf depicted in anti-drug comic book ads

"When you come with the knife, I will not be surprised. Also know that you’ll leave with it stuck in your ribs." -- Henry Rollins, going out hard in Madrid, Spain, 5/3/1997

"In a nutshell, he was gonna turn that place into a car wash. " -- Brock Peuchk on a shoplifter's diabolical plans for Dame Lola's erotic white chocolate boutique

"Well who knows who he might bite? Maybe he's about to bite some rich guy with an ascot." -- Brock Peuchk on the importance of little heroes sacking up and thwarting rabid dogs

"Looks like somebody needs to go back and read The Beard again." -- Brock Peuchk, recommending that Tom freshen up on his Shakespeare

"Don’t tell Paula Zahn, I guess. She’ll probably have a bird, I guess." -- Brock Peuchk, requesting that Tom not reveal the meaning of Wolf Blizter's use of "Candy-O"

"He was the first guy to turn them on to reggae." -- Brock Peuchk, referring to Sam Donaldson's role in shaping the sound of the Bad Brains

"I just got threatened to the tune of 'Let's Go'" -- Tom on Peuchk's creepy, musical send-off

"You know how you get Adam West to sign for you? You send him a check for $2. He'll sign it." -- Tom, helping out the autograph collecting community

"Every Tuesday, you can just count on getting crushed now." -- Tom, letting people know what to expect

[TBSOWFMU - 1/16/07 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 62] / Video Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Kenny Smith - "Lord, What's Happened?"

( Click here to buy One More Day)

LCD Soundsystem - "Watch The Tapes" (from the forthcoming Sound of Silver)

( Click here to visit their Myspace page)

The Fastbacks - "On Your Hands"

( Click here to buy Answer The Phone Dummy)

The Original Sins - "Not Gonna Be Alright"
The Original Sins - "I Want To Live"

( Click here to buy Big Soul)

Ted Leo & the Pharmacists - "Dial Up"

( Click here to buy The Tyranny of Distance)

Bonus Track:

Melvins - "Candy-O"

( Click here to buy Ozma)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

Open-phone Tuesdays remain as much a part of the past as, say, Abraham Lincoln and King Tutankhamun (the Egyptian Pharoah and the Batman villian). They're ova! Done! As a result, Mike the Associate Producer continues to tighten the reigns on the early mutants. Nobody passed his increasingly harsh test. Since Tom hasn't placed a topic on the table, there are no calls on the board. The Kid will no longer engage in wily-nily handovers to listeners. The Best Show is not unlike a rental car, and the listeners are not unlike renters who fail to show the proper respect to the rented vehicle. Past behavior proved that they feel empowered to stick their gum on the dash, put their feet up wherever they want, spill their sodeys, and litter the interior by eating crumbly crumb cakes. The only Tom-approved handover is the smooth transition to the Evan "Funkman" Davies program at 11:00 p.m.

- A line illuminates pre-topic reveal, so Tom assumes that someone is planning to kick the show off in very special fashion. A he/she/it bills (starts at 28:00) him/her/itself as Jason and Megan's British baby. Tom GOMPs what he suspects is some kind of weird, ghoulish monster. He’s unsettled and wants nothing to do with this beast. The invasion has Tom momentarily reaching for Pangaea since the show is already in the hole. He considers playing both discs twice, freeing himself to just give the station ID at the top of hour, read Autograph Collector, and go home. Tom gradually gains strength with the help of Anthony Hopkins's famous bear-hunting pep talk from The Edge. He repeats the manly Mamet mantra -- in unison with recent Golden Globe winner Alec Baldwin -- until it reaches a series of exhilarating crescendos of confidence. Tom can do this. He hears those other call-in shows on Free FM, and they don't quit in medias res even though they're terrible. This is a good program, so he must continue to fight. Tom thinks it's embarrassing for a grown man to call himself Elvis.

Elvis keeps going, and so would Mr. Trump, one of Tom's idols. Tom is very disheartened by the Rosie O'Donnell-Donald Trump feud because he likes both of them so much. He admires Mr. Trump’s business acumen and classy elan, while he's equally enamored of Rosie's comedic chops and work as a wo-man panelist on The View Tom wants them both to stop because it hurts him to hear them insult each other. In other words, Tom wishes they would both DIAL IT DOWN A NOTCH. Click.

- Tom wants to know who or what needs to dial it down a notch. Mike believes there is problem in this country and this problem is people on cell phones when riding public transport. He wants his fellow bus passengers to dial it down a notch by not talking that loud. These people need to realize that they are in a public place where everyone else can hear their conversations.

Tom thinks the television show 24 needs to dial it down a notch. He tried the first season on DVD, but stopped after six episodes because it gave him a stomach ache. He flipped past it the other day and saw laser bean explosions and fights every 10 seconds. Tom thinks it's nice to have the action, but you don’t have to run that hot, Jack (Bauer). Tom compares the viewing experience to being put through a stress test. Speaking of stressful, Mike saw a guy on 24 get kicked through a subway window. I bet that guy was a terrorist! Or maybe just a foreign-looking guy. Or just someone who was in the way. Tom would have liked to have been hooked up to a heart monitor while watching the show. Since he was sampling early s1 episodes, he can’t imagine what kind of mayhem has been going down as the show found its groove in subsequent seasons. I read a review of the four-hour season season 6 premiere in which the critic used a video game analogy to describe how far dialed up it's become: "[The new] season makes the Pimp City look like Bubble Shooter."

- Pete calls (starts at 34:55) to say it's nice to see Tom. He thinks people standing on escalators need to dial it down a notch because it's a testimony to human laziness. He imagines that the guy who made them is probably kicking himself in the behind for providing this service to the world. Tom GOMPs him for not properly adhering to the topic. Tom points out that people on escalators have already dialed it down a notch by not running up steps like lunatics. The people who race around the mall are the ones who need to dial it down a notch. This call puts the show further into the hole.

- A caller says (starts at 36:53) he wants to dial down the irritating volume of commercials. He might even go two notches to bring them more in line with the volume of the regular programming. He could even use a device. The Smarthome volume regulator is fine, but I prefer a custom model that I constructed from a Bart Simpson PEZ dispenser, worsted wool, and some orthodontic headgear. Those local car dealership productions don't stand a chance.

- Tom adds (starts at 38:01) sportscasters to the list of people who need to dial it down. When he was watching the NFL pregame shows last weekend, all of the studio dudes unleashed endless blah blah blah about how and why the Baltimore Ravens were going to defeat the Indianapolis Colts. After the Ravens lost, they all made excuses for why their great pick didn't pan out. Tom's sick of nobody ever displaying the egg on their face and admitting that they're stupid. Tom wants them to own it and dial it down a notch. He doesn't want them making predictions just because.

- A caller offers (starts at 39:12) a group he'd like to dial it down a notch: people who wait in line overnight for video game releases. As a gamer, he thinks their excessive zeal makes him look bad. Tom is sympathetic to his cause. He doubts that these people have explored every second of every game on their current gaming systems and need the Wii that badly. He points out that they are throwing hours of life away waiting for the thing that will drain additional chunks from their life. The only time the video game people are proactive and efficient is when they are desperately trying to get the time-wasting units into their homes as fast as possible. Tom suggests that they are trying to avoid the alternative: looking at themselves in the mirror and actually getting some stuff done.

- Mike from Brooklyn calls (starts at 40:31) with a big dial it down a notch. He's real mad about Diane Sawyer and her little group of cronies with their second-grade teacher delivery voice to their interviewees and the audience. He can't stand the pouty-faced, sotto voce, touchy-feely approach. The great and powerful Brooklyn has spoken!

I'm also not a big fan of Sawyer's mainstream reporting and interviewing, but I can't deny her importance to the 9Ts "Riot Grrrrrl" movement. Her uncredited guitar work for bands like Bikini Kill, Bratmobile, Excuse 17, Heavens To Betsy, The Frumpies, Huggy Bear, Emily's Sassy Lime, Team Dresch ("Hand Grenade" 7"), and Growing Up Skipper are some of the most crucial grooves I've ever heard. In addition to her potent playing, Sawyer's early essays (under the nom de plume "DiDi Chainsaw") for Girl Germs and Jigsaw continue to inspire female artists from Corinne Bailey Rae to Ariel Schrag to Grey's Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes.

- Bennie from Boston calls (starts at 41:39) to tell Michael Bolton to dial it down a notch. He's still upset about Bolton's "When A Man Loves A Woman" from 1991's Time, Love & Tenderness record. Now he's enraged anew because Bolton clipped his flowing golden locks and is trying to forge a comeback. Every time Bennie sees Bolton's face on the posters that are plastered all over Boston and NYC, he wants to smash it with a Percy sledgehammer. Tom thinks Bennie needs to dial it down. Tom saw the Bolton videos during his sophomore year of high school and has since let it go. Tom rooted against him, but he did it. While Bolton's music is not his cup of tea, Tom tips his hat because he ran the gauntlet.

I checked out his new Bolton Swings Sinatra record, and I was shocked to discover that Bolton pulled off the impossible. He actually made “New York, New York” sound fresh and exciting to these ears. Cash. Diamond. Bolton. Rick Rubin had done it again!

- Tom from Bloomfield calls (starts at 43:41) to dial down longtime ABC weatherman Sam Champion's fake belly laugh. He thinks Champion has became too much of a personality at the expense of top-shelf meteorology. If something isn't done soon, Tom from Bloomfield and Tom from The Best Show fear that the aspiring entertainer may start singing.

- Weirder Jon in Maplewood 07040 calls (starts 44:45) to tap the touchscreen on Steve Jobs, the jeans-and-black-turtlenecked Chief Executive Huckster of Apple known for spearheading inventive gadgets and delivering keynote speeches/one-man shows at the Macworld Expo. WJ wonders if Jobs really has to attempt to revolutionize the world every five minutes. He's mad at the iPhone because he can't keep up with the acceleration of digital change. WJ will not adopt the iPhone at $500 when it's released in June. WJ also doesn't need a new iPod every four months. He admits to still using the iPod mini that his wife got him two years ago. Tom starts laughing and asks WJ if he picks his teeth with a device as useful as a buggy whip. Tom points out that Jobs has to maintain his current pace due to all of the reverse engineering. Tom recounts the widely-reported story (I read about it in the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald) about Jobs rescuing a dying alien from the wreckage of a spaceship crash. The alien then provided the technology to take Apple to new levels. WJ is lost, so Tom suggests that he start reading newspapers.

- Mike on the GSP near Exit 116 calls (starts at 46:36) to get sports talk radio guys to dial down their misplaced priorities. Mike thinks that instead of going at sports as hard as they can, these guys should focus on building up their families and tackling world peace. Tom mentions a chat he had with a young man named Omar, and Mike thinks he's referring to New York Mets GM Omar Minaya. Tom’s not Mr. Trump, so he doesn’t roll with that crowd. He also didn't talk to Omar Sharif, the Egyptian-born star of Top Secret!. It was actually THE Omar, the guy who does the recaps for The Best Show on WFMU. Tom pops a virtual bottle of champagne to toast Omar's 50th recap anniversary. This particular Omar is driven nuts by sports talk guys that attempt to riff on topics outside the realm of sports. Tom gives the example of Mike and the Mad Dog discussing the exceedingly weird About Schmidt. In their defense, a nude Kathy Bates is a bit of an odd sight.

Tom had an incident at the rest stop around Exit 120, just past the Garden State Arts Center. He didn't care for the customer service at the gas station in which employees favored doling out directions instead of serving paying customers. Tom reminds them that helping lost travelers will not put cash in the Luxoil coffers.

- Bennie from Boston returns (starts at 49:38) to deliver a sledgehammer to the face of Paula Abdul. His second use of this weapon clearly indicates an affinity for the fruit-smashing prop comic Leo Gallagher. Tom's solution is simple: don’t watch American Idol if you hate it so much. Tom lists some other entertainment options, such as the other 900 television channels, books, long walks, or quietly thinking to yourself. Or anything.

- Nicholas from Jersey City 07302 calls (starts at 50:28) to have CNN dial down the intensity on The Situation Room, hosted by guitarist/newsman Wolf Blitzer. The show's apocalyptic tone makes him worried that we're on the verge of destruction before realizing that they're just reporting on the weather. My recommendation: hire Sam Champion to lighten the mood.

- Tom thinks (starts at 51:30) The Genius Squad at The Apple Store needs to dial it down. Tom was having some trouble with the jack charging on the Apple Macintosh computer that he bought three months ago, so he took it to one of the Apple retail outlets. The Genius asked if he made an appointment. Tom thought he could just bring it in, but the Genius told him to go online at 12:01and make a service appointment for the following day. Tom told him that he can’t go online to make that appointment because his computer isn’t working. Tom wanted to make the appointment while in the store. The Genius said he could not do it. Tom assumed that people thought on their feet in the Apple world, but they apparently just cling to the rules.

- Sam from Brooklyn calls (starts at 53:23) to dial the weirdness down on the H&M clothing store. He's not a big fan because their pants too tight, and their shirts are too baggy. He compares the growing level of weirdness at H&M to the animated film Happy Feet. Tom wants to dial down the American Apparel pervert ads because he needs a shower after gazing at the nubile ladies hawking their wares. Sam needs a shower, a two-minute break, and then more shower. Tom wishes that Sam kept his post-AA cleaning regimen to himself.

- A caller wants (starts at 54:24) the ubiquitous Bono to dial it down. He thinks the U2 frontman, crusader for social justice, and iPod pitchman is a pompous ass. So true!

- Kathy, the first female of the evening after a parade 90 guys, calls (starts at 55:00) to dial down Rosie O'Donnell. Tom likes it when the ladies call because they are more even-tempered and less likely to propose raw violence like swinging sledgehammers into faces. Sadly, Kathy is GOMPed for toilet mouth before she was able to elaborate on O'Donnell's offenses. Tom believes he asked for it by giving too much credit to the women. He reiterates his respect for Mr. Trump and Mrs. O'Donnell.

- FOT Forum celebrity Get Off My Bone calls (starts at 57:09) to dial down the haters. Yesterday, he was watching Neil Handburger’s poolside chats on the Tom Green Show. Handburger was chatting with Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim (known in alt.comedy circles as simply "Tim & Eric"), and the callers kept badmouthing the duo. They did not think they were awesome or doing a good job. GOMB thinks trashing the guests is ridiculous and not cool. Tom agrees and thinks GOMB is a quality young man.

- Chris calls (starts at 58:13) from Hell’s Kitchen, the rough neighborhood where Sylvester Stallone wrote the screenplay for Rocky. Chris thinks he saw him running down the street during that time. He wants the women on Match.com to dial down their overly specific specs for their desired beaus. For example, they want a guy to be funny but serious. They want him to be tall and slim and go to the gym. Finally, they request a prince in shining armor who knows how to treat a woman. Chris became so frustrated that he no longer visits the site. He may return if the women lower their standards. Tom hasn't used the service, so he takes his word for it.

The online dating portal that really needs to dial it down is the kinda erotic True, which rotates scantily-clad babes on the Myspace. I think True is owned by Tornado Todd's LifeChanges. Yuri and his foot soldiers must have patrolled for these ladies. I've recognized a few of them from the Armadillo's Gunnysack.

- Paul, the Pride of Staten Island, calls (starts at 59:35) to say it's too chilly for Sedutto’s, but he may grab a hot chocolate and hang out at Jim Hanley’s. Tom is one of the few fans of Staten Island, and he cites its top three claims to fame: four members of the Wu-Tang Clan, David Johansen, and Paul. Paul has a dial-it-down Two for Tuesday, so Tom gets approval from Mike to proceed.

1. Bombastic, spoiler-laden movie trailers that overload the senses with the hard sell.

Tom longs for the Hitchcock trailers where it was just Alfred sitting at a desk and talking about the film. If a studio released North by Northwest today, the trailer would likely feature Cary Grant on Mt. Rushmore and getting shot at in the cornfield. Tom likes the trailer for Adaptation, which is a movie unto itself.

2. People who overly-customized their Myspace pages with a computer-crashing array of multi-colored, unreadable fonts, obtrusive wallpaper, and streaming music.

Paul just wants to stop by and say hello -- he doesn't need to be entertained by 30 things simultaneously. Tom will often surf to another page while he waits for a Myspace page to fully load on his 14.4 kbit/s dial-up connection, and then he has to frantically search for the window that houses the terrible song. Sometimes a dummy will put another clip in the comments section, so Tom has to scroll down to find it.

Tom puts Paul's call in The Best Show textbook as an example of how it's done. He came in hard, did some upfront banter, hit the topic with two funny entries, and then went out hard.

- Thomas from Jersey City (starts at 1:05) calls with another Two for Tuesday:

1. Urban Outfitters, especially the wannabe stores in NJ.

He received horrible service from the fabricated ultra-hipsters that work in the Montclair store. He also didn't appreciate the music they chose to blast over the loudspeakers. Unlike the store in the East Village, they didn't even have anyone greeting him or bidding him farewell.

2. Whole Foods Market needs to dial it down for asking for your entire paycheck in exchange for a decent meal and enough groceries for 4-5 days.

Thomas also doesn't like the yuppies racing around or the crusty, rusty professor types going extra slow when selecting their organic avocados. Tom pictures a guy who looks like Jon Corzine wearing a tweed jacket with patches on the elbows and holding two avocados up to the light. Thomas also has a problem with the rich, overly-perfumed, yuppie wives who storm into Whole Foods fresh from their boutique yogurt class. They then inch their carts in front of his, oozing an air of entitlement as they interrupt his shopping experience in search of Burt's Bees lip balm.

I go to Whole Foods for my Tom’s of Maine fennel toothpaste -- the original and still the best.

- Listener Evan calls (starts at 1:09) to dial down the current slate of Pop-Tarts. Evan recalls the simpler days of his youth where there were only 4-5 classic Pop-Tart flavors, including Dutch Apple, which Tom doesn't remember. Tom also doesn't remember Danish Go Rounds, a fancier, curlicue Pop-Tart offshoot. Based on the box cover, these things look like sausage. Danish MEAT treats!

Evan recently took his kid to the Shop-Rite in Bloomfield to stroll down memory aisle and show him the toaster treats he used to like back in the day. He was horrified to discover three rows of Xtreme Pop-Tarts (Banned in Belgium) with Gatorade-y flavors like Strawberry Arctic Blast (Tom: "What is it, gum?"), Bavarian Deep Fudge with Double Dark Chocolate, and Iced Chocolageddon. Tom thinks the people at the Pop-Tart Corporation are trying to combat the problem of people still being able to fit into their cars. He wonders if these new flavors are standard tarts or constructed like a sandwich.

Evan says the vast array of choices makes his purchasing decisions more difficult, but Tom thinks he has to have some backbone and make a call. Tom also thinks he needs to dial down the sugar he’s jamming down his kid’s throat so he won't be so hyper. Evan was going to issue a second dial it down to his kid, but now he knows that they are intertwined. The man in the mirror is to blame. He thought he was gonna stick it to the Pop-Tart Corporation of America, but his call became a parental wake-up call. Tom thinks Evan should try some of the Spike-endorsed organic pop-tarts at Whole Foods. Tom refuses to bash suburban grocery stores for having too many Pop-Tarts because it's better than the lowly NYC grocery stores that either have one flavor or just one box of each flavor.

True story: I haven't eaten a Pop-Tart since 1995 when I badly burned my lip on an errant shard from a Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tart . That motherfucker was hotter than molten lava. I'm too scared to return to the Pop-Tart circuit. I prefer the safer, healthier world of Kashi's Go-Lean Crunch.

- Pat from The Long Walk To New York collective calls (starts at 1:14) to say the film is still mired in pre-production with a possible spring walk date. Hopefully "Sweet Tooth" will be out of the Rahway State Prison by then. Pat wants to dial down the furor over television on the Internet with the rise of popular video-sharing websites like YouseTube. Tom is surprised that Pat doesn't prefer 90-second clips to scripted fare. Pat works in freelance video production, and all of the jobs he's been getting are for web-based television networks. Pat doesn't know what's happening and wonders if people watch actual television anymore. Tom assures Pat that he's watching television. Tom is sick of people who rub the fact that they don't own a TV in your face, but spend the entire day watching an old lady swing a broom around and have a hornet's nest fall on her head or some Corporate Dope from the bank singing his version of U2’s “One”. That's entertainment? The bottom line: Tom prefers his entertainment crafted by professionals.

- James from Redding, Pennsylvania, one of the most dangerous cities in the world, calls (starts at 1:18) to tell Queen of All Media Rachel Ray to dial it down. He's sick of seeing this vicious monster's face all over television, Triscuit boxes, EVOO bottles, and on the cover of one of her 29 books. Tom thinks Ray needs to dial down her self-promotion and marketing initiatives, but dial it UP a notch on her real-time cooking segments. Tom is bored by 45 seconds of stirring. James doesn't like Ray's penchant for interrupting her talk show guests and berating them for subpar chopping skills. Ray is a big fan of WFMU/The Best Show, so Tom addresses her directly and demands the requisite adjustments. She recently booked Jay Reatard on her talk show for mid-February. He will play "Death Is Forming" while she makes a yum-o meatloaf.

- Stan from Staten Island calls (start at 1:19) to run through some of his personal bio: he's a substitute history teacher who likes reading books and eating pizza. He thinks the best pizza on Staten Island is at one of the 457 Ray’s locations. He doesn’t really like to eat on Hylan Boulevard because it lacks the intimate atmosphere he needs to properly enjoy his pizza consumption. He wants Moslems dial it down a notch because they don't seem to realize that it's 2006 2007. Stan doesn't support their boycot of Northwest Airlines for their racial profiling policies. He also thinks that they should get over the fact that Saddam Hussein was killed at the time of the Eid ul-Adha religious festival and just be glad the sweet tyrant is finally toppled. Tom loses sight of Stan's point, so his move is to take out his red pen for some markup:

Could be shorter.

Tighten it up!

What's the point?

GET OFF MY FONE!

No gold star for this robot boy.

- Bennie from Boston completes his trilogy of calls (starts at 1:22) by apologizing for his previous behavior. Tom wonders if his violent attitude springs from the streets of Southie like Will Hunting. Bennie says sometimes he just gets angry about everything being so dialed up, and Tom is shocked that such anger is present in a man from Boston. Bennie erupts with hometown pride and takes out his sledgehammer to attack New York's face.

I purchased this MS Painting (by the wickedly deviant artist, "Spank") for $2,300 in an online auction

- Tristan calls (starts at 1:23) to recommend professional help for Bennie from Boston and Stan from Staten Island. Tom thinks Bennie needs to not dial this show. Tristan wants to expand Pat's online video dialdown to include the entire online community. Tristan says that in addition to YouseTubers, the Web is a hotbed for inexperienced interviewers. Tom wants an example, but Tristan cannot provide one. Tom threatens to take out the red pen again if Tristan cannot back up his arguments. Tristan switches to the topic of wide range of art on the Internet. While there are good artists on the Web, Tristan doesn't think people need to spill their entire portfolios of MS Paint drawings onto the DeviantART galleries. When faced with criticism -- even if it's constructive -- they reject it, suggesting that they are free from negative feedback because they are on the Internet. After a turbulent start, Tristan pulled through.

- John Junk calls (starts at 1:26) to dial down Carl’s, Jr. TV spots. Junk pretends that he didn’t know that Carl Jr's is a regional, West Coast chain despite spending most of his life in the northeast. He thought that maybe they just got really big in the past year. Junk explains that Carl's Jr.'s advertisements feature audibly masticating people shoving meat into their faces and trying to talk with mouthfuls of beef and soda. Junk cites some kind of corned beef-hamburger combo sandwich as one of the chain's celebrated vegetable-free, aggressively poisonous offerings. Junk points out that these items are always marketed towards dudes who think eating a mound of fat will make them macho. THIS JUST IN: Andre Balazs announces that Carl Jr.'s is the official restaurant of the William Beaver Frathouse.

- A super-duper Noah in Brooklyn calls (starts at 1:29) to dial down one of his pet peeves: Vice magazine and other media outlets that glorify rails. Tom doesn’t know if he has it in him to have the Vice discussion. Noah wonders if these people have seen the drug-mule thriller Maria Full Of Grace, which depicts the harsh, human realities of how drugs sneak across the border. Tom subscribes to the clean living of Jonathan Richman, not the communal drug binging of Hippy Johnny. Noah says he read an article that talked about people smuggling drugs inside puppies. Tom GOMPs him for grossness.

- A female caller wants (starts at 1:30) to erase the bad memory of the toilet-mouthed Kathy debacle. She wants to dial down people who own SUVs or tanks, but can’t drive or park them. Tom is also afraid of these people who are oblivious to the actual scope of their vehicle. The caller wants them to get a car that fits the road. Tom is anticipating the SUVs that will get stranded on the NJT and GSP during the first snowstorm because their owners can't operate the four-wheel drive. Even if the car came equipped with flying capabilities, the drivers would be too busy skidding around to achieve takeoff. The caller just got back from a trip to Miami and was amazed at all the useless Hummers she saw littering the roads like Michael Vick's tricked-out Aquafina bottles.

- Pork Chop from Brooklyn says (starts at 1:32) that hip-hop radio should dial it down. He didn't like being screamed at over Christmas weekend and doesn’t want to be scared into liking anything. Tom doesn't want to be screamed at by a guy named Pork Chop, so he GOMPs him for being full of hate.

- Sean from Brooklyn calls (starts at 1:33) to ask Tom if he's ever been to the Trader Joe’s in NYC. Tom goes to the one in New Jersey because you don't have to wait 2.5 hours to get inside. Sean thinks the scary and energetic cashiers at the Union Square location need to dial it down. Tom likes people being pleasant in a retail environment, but there’s a line that shouldn't be crossed. Tom had to cross a Quick-Stop off his list because the clerk wouldn't stop talking to him. Sean wanted to pay for his three items in peace, but the Trader Joe's cashier tried to make small talk about his plans for evening. Tom will not be shopping at the Trader Joe's in Union Square.

- Ryan from Lynchburg wins (starts at 1:35) Tom's heart by asking how he's doing. If Tom had a chocolate factory, he would give it to Ryan for the Charlie Bucket move. Sadly, the deal fizzles when Tom GOMPs him for not knowing who Charlie Bucket is. It's probably for the best because Art Slugworth's assistant told me that Ryan and his grandfather stole Fizzy Lifting Drink during a visit to the Wonka factory last fall. For shame.

Diana Sowle (w/c by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley) - "Cheer Up, Charlie"

- Diana calls (starts at 1:35) to tell Stan from Staten Island to dial down his intolerance. She thinks 2007 is a time for tolerance and peace.

- First time/longtime Jonathan calls (starts at 1:36) to dial down a post-mortem Johnathan Ritter. Jonathan claims that people went crazy for the Three’s Company star when he died, but nobody liked him when he was alive. Tom was unaware of Ritter's posthumous popularity surge. Jonathan also wants Diana to dial down her intolerance of the intolerant Sam from Staten Island.

- Linda in Brooklyn calls (starts at 1:37) to join those dialing down Myspace pageantry and second Pork Chop's indictment of obnoxious hip-hop radio MCs. She wants WFMU to dial UP their wattage, so she can receive its signal while she puts up MS Painting exhibits.

- Ryan from Lynchburg returns (starts at 1:38) after remembering the identity of Charlie Bucket. He apologizes for his oversight, and Tom agrees to move on. He was probably thrown because when he hears “bucket”, he automatically thinks of “Honey Bucket”. Ryan wants to dial down the guttural vocals and Kiss-like face paint of Nordic death metal bands like Mayhem. Tom thinks these bands need to dial UP the color palette on their monochromatic album covers. He points out that with the advent of computer technology, color separation is very affordable. Ryan thinks that if the Ultimate Warrior achieved multicolored glory, the Norwegian death metalers should be able to follow in his path. Since he redeemed himself, Tom gives Ryan the chocolate factory for a second time.

Ryan also wants -- you guessed it -- The Melvins to dial up the awesomeness, if physically possible. He thinks two gongs might do it. I'd thrown in about a dozen ice bells and maybe a shofar blown through a Big Muff.

- Tim from Ellensburg, WA, closes out (starts at 1:41) this breakout topic by asking DC and Marvel to dial down their hyperbolic advertisements that over-promise THE SHOCKING SECRET THAT WILL CHANGE THIS CHARACTER FOREVER! or THE SHOCKING EVENT THAT WILL CHANGE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! in every comic book. Then, six months later, they either pretend it didn't happen or revert the universe back to its original state. Tom thinks comic books also need to dial down the artistically-appealing anti-drug ads for kids. Tom saw one that featured a pot leaf with a dead-end maze in it. It was trying to suggest that you would get lost if you smoked a lot of crippler, but it was actually just a really cool-looking pot leaf. Tom doesn't smoke pot, but he would wear a shirt with that image on it. Tim mentions Marvel's odd "Tobacco is whacko ... if you're a teen" ads, which imply that tobacco is perfectly fine for adults.

Three shows in January, three routs. Tom comes in, crushes everyone and everything, and leaves. Even though he's on fiyah, Tom needs a little juice to stay strong for the final hour, so he, of course, dials up another excerpt from Henry Rollins’ Smile, You’re Traveling (5/3/97, Madrid, Spain):

I went into all of this knowing it was going to be hard all the way. Hard going in and hard going out. Even at the beginning, I knew that there was never going to be any quarter given. I’m at the point now where people want to have a go at me and try to take me down a peg or two. What they don’t know is that I got to where I am by means that would make them cry for their mothers. They will be cruel and brutal. The first 10 years were good training for this. They have no idea what I’m used to, what I am ready for, and what I can deal with. I can see now that it’s going to take all I have to withstand my future. There will be no friends at the end of the trail. Good thing I already know how to go it alone. It’s a disgusting thing to see a man come in hard and got out soft. I can see going out on your shield. I don’t mind getting destroyed as long as I go out fighting. I think it’s disgusting when men get soft with age or when their lifestyle changes and they cannot maintain the edge they used to have, yet they insist they still have it. It’s okay if you’re a milkman (what?) or something, but if you’re a warrior, then you have to know that you’ll be going out with certain things and it will hurt and you will wont for these things and sometimes you will hate the way your life has played out. You can always get out, but you will have to live with the shame of that. For myself, I cannot. I cannot. At this point, this stand is the only thing I have. Everyone goes with their story, no matter what it is. I’ll take the shots that come with it. I know that on the way out, you will be spitting and cursing and calling me names. I knew this as a truth when I was 20. When you come with the knife, I will not be surprised. Also know that you’ll leave with it stuck in your ribs. I have been awaiting your arrival for almost two decades. That’s why I never get close, don’t like compliments, don’t feel an affinity with anyone. I’m on my own. Always have been, always will be, and it’s totally cool because people are soft, cautious -- they’re spectators. You always know what you are. I never expected a fair shake. I’ve never expected equality. I’ve never believed in human rights or justice. I’ve never believed that those things were options. The bottom line is if you’re living it, then you know. Otherwise, you don’t, and everything you say is just an assumption, projection, and lies. For the millionth time, you go in hard, you go out hard.

Tom can do this! What Rollins can do, another man can do!

- Brock out in Newbridge calls (starts at 2:04) to say he's a little irked about the eternal Jersey vs. Manhattan thing that’s been brewing for a long time. The tensions flared recently during the stink cloud controversy, and Brock got ribbed by his friends in the city. Tom did, too. Brock is also a bit down about getting bit in the keester by the "Subway Hero" a few weeks ago. Brock is referring to the incident where Harlem resident Wesley Autrey saved 20-year-old NYU student Cameron Hollopeter. Autrey was up in the subway with his two daughters when he saw Hollopeter have a seizure and fall down into the tracks. He jumped on him, covered him, and squished down in the drainage trench with just enough room to have the train glide over them. The story was all over the news, and Brock laments that Autrey got all the coverage, while a hero right here in New Jersey got nothing. Tom wants to know the identity of this forgotten Jersey hero. It's Brock. Brock Peuchk.

Tom’s never heard of him, so he wants to hear his heroic tale. Brock says that he thwarted a recent robbery at Dame Lola’s, the new erotic white chocolate store. It's located up near the factory where Newbridge Toilet Seat Repair used to be before it disappeared. He was browsing for a gift for a co-worker when he spotted a guy in one of the bubbled shoplifting mirrors that span the entire store. Most people wouldn't even notice these mirrors, but Brock is very aware of his surroundings and likes to scope out the scene. The guy was an insane-looking creep wearing a ski mask and holding a knife. Since he was a super-frightening cat, Brock knew that he had to do something quick. Brock confirms that Tom has seen the gorgeous Dame Lola on the billboards up on Pancake Drive. Since the proprietor is very attractive, Brock can't imagine what the shoplifter would do to her after taking her money.

Brock confronts him, and the creep admits that, in a nutshell, he was gonna turn the erotic white chocolate boutique into a car wash. Tom doesn't know what that means, and neither does Brock, but they both agree that it sounds bad. Brock tackles him, and they proceed to roll around for 15 minutes like a scene from an old Western. Brock had the shoplifter by his wrists, so he couldn't stab him. Brock's left hand was on his right hand, putting himself at a deficit. Brock eventually beats him up and chases him out of the store. Tom agrees that he’s a hero. Brock appreciates Tom's praise, but he points out that he’s got at least 200 more stories like this one. For example, he was waiting in line at a bank when he saw a guy about to put on a ski mask and brandish a big knife. Brock tried to reason with him to avert the bank robbery. This didn't work, so Brock wrestled him, kicked the knife away, and the man fled the scene.

Brock is chronicling his adventures in a book called The Hero’s Call. He says the tome will go into great detail about the struggle between good and evil in this world. It will examine the overpowering voices of good and evil that are constantly vying for your attention. Brock says that while you never know which one will prevail in the end, it seems that evil is often more powerful and actually does win. Evil chalked up a victory during an encounter outside of his ex-girlfriend's house. They had broken up four months ago, but Brock still cared for her and wanted to make sure everything in the house was OK. While Brock was there, a guy with a big knife and ski mask came along and broke into her house to spray paint awful, degrading stuff on her walls. The text referred to gross stuff that she does in private. He also stole her Mother 13 and Sister Sheila CDs. Brock can't imagine how upset his ex was about this heist. Brock tried to tackle the masked man, but he overpowered Brock and threw him to the ground. He then stomped his face, and said, “I’m in charge, Brock.” Brock isn't sure how he knew his name. Tom wonders if it’s the same guy from Dame Lola's and the bank. Brock never thought about it, but says he looks sorta the same.

Brock doesn't call the cops during these altercations, and Tom finds it strange that nobody else noticed the 15-minute wrestling match in the erotic white chocolate store or the fight in the bank. Brock doesn't know how it's possible for nobody to notice his heroism. He says that when they’re happening, it’s almost like they’re kinda not happening on the outside and stuff. Brock sees it happening, but suspects that others maybe don’t. Tom asks Brock if he sees the guy with the knife and ski mask in the bank and chocolate store. Brock can see him, but nobody else sees him. Since the guy outside his ex-girlfriend's house said he was in charge, Brock doesn't know what to do. He feels bad that he didn't put up enough of a fight, and he admits that sometimes the voices are overpowering. Tom asks him if he's also the guy with the ski mask and knife. Brock says that the guy looks sort of like him, but he has a Rollie Fingers old-timey mustache. Tom thinks it’s creepy. Brock asks him not to judge. Tom says he's just trying to figure it out and get some honest answers. Tom wants to know if the talk about heroes vs. bad guys and good vs. evil is all the struggle within himself. Brock says he will rethink that when he finishes his children's book, The Little Hero’s Call. It tells kids how they, too, can be heroes. The books advises youngsters to always keep their eyes open for heroic opportunities (HEROPS). Tom doesn't think kids should always be seeking out HEROPS, but Brock argues that it’s the 2007s.

For example, a kid is walking down the street and sees a shed ablaze. Since there could be a kids' clubhouse meeting being held in there, Brock thinks the little hero should sack up and try to save people. Tom strongly disagrees, but Brock says the kid might make a name for himself like he did or is trying to or deserves. Tom confirms that Brock is recommending running into a flaming shed instead of getting an adult. In another HEROPS scenario, a kid sees a dog foaming at the mouth. Brock's book will tell the kid to tackle the rabid canine because nobody knows who it might bite. It could be a rich guy with an ascot. The kid will save the day and get a big reward, such as a jet ski or, at very least, a catamaran. Tom thinks it’s terrible advice, but Brock thinks you've gotta go for it just like the man said. Tom thinks an adult is the proper “it”.

Modern reconstruction of the famous Globe Theatre, commonly referred to as "The Big Chicken"

Tom wants to know what man is calling for people to go for it. Brock tells Tom to listen and learn. He quotes the man: "Cowards die many times before their deaths; / Prince Valiant never taste of death but once." Tom doesn't recognize the line. Brock calls him a fool and reveals that it's from Julius Caesar. He concludes that Tom needs to go back and read "The Beard" again. Tom doesn't know who that is, so Brock tells him it's William Shakespeare. He's baffled that Tom has a radio show, but isn't familiar with Shakespeare. Tom says the correct nickname is definitely "The Bard". Brock insists that it's "The Beard", which refers to the little white beard he had on his chin. The beard matches his white suit, and the look is finished with a black string tie.

Tom thinks Shakespeare had a black mustache and beard with a receding black hairline. He also had soft features. Brock says it sounds like he’s describing Higgins from Magnum, P.I. Brock believes Tom's misinformation is an embodiment of the famous Shakespeare line, “Now is the winter of our discotheque.” Tom wants to hear the line again, so Brock sends him back to Shakespeare school. Tom wants to be enlightened about that quote because he thinks it's "discontent". Brock is certain that he's correctly quoting from one of the Richards. Tom returns to the physical description, and Brock confirms that the man he is thinking of wore glasses and had a tuft of white hair on top of his head. Tom tells him that he has described Colonel Sanders. Brock has seen this man on the KFC logo, but he thought that was William Shakespeare. Brock will agree to disagree on the issue. He’s from Missouri on that one -- Tom will have to show it to him in keeping with the state's "You'll Have To Show It To Me" motto.

Speaking of Magnum P.I., Brock loves the show and got the DVD box set that came out last year. He thinks it's almost as cool as that Walter Cronkite box set. He's referring to the 1963-1964 CBS Evening News 288-disc DVD box set. It contains every nightly broadcast (with commercials) for a huge period of news: JFK assassination, LBJ getting sworn into office, LBJ's war on poverty, the British Invasion of The Beatles, the 1964 Olympic Games, and early space race stuff.

The bonus materials include bloopers and behind-the-scenes featurettes. One featurette is over two minutes long. Tom is not a fan of the skimpy featurettes. Brock can’t believe it. There's also some cool footage of Cronkite when he was trying to take up smoking. Brock mentions that in a lot of old television footage, people like Rod Sterling, the host of The Twilight Zone, were smoking away. Tom thinks his last name was "Serling", so Brock wants him replaced for not knowing about Rod Sterling and pop culture. He recommends The Twilight Zone, which is cool despite being a bit kitschy and cheesy.

Brock skipped through some of the boring stuff on the DVD set, like stories about highway construction, but he's fascinated by the smoking stuff. Everyone smoked back then, so Cronkite wanted to fit in with his peers. In one 30-minute newscast, he smoked an entire pack of Pall Mall cigarettes. On the DVD, they added a counter at the bottom of the screen to tick them off one by one. Cronkite also recorded commentary tracks on 90 discs. Brock thinks it's an incredible look inside the mind of the man. While the tracks are largely informative, Brock says they are also funny. The old newscasts featured people in the background, much like modern-day MSNBC or CNN with the news teams working on their computers behind the talking head dude or dudette. Cronkite comments on these people, especially a writer named Paul O'Bannion. Cronkite hated him, so his commentary takes the form of fart sounds whenever O'Bannion is visible on the screen. Even when he was in the middle of talking about the big nursing home fire of 1963, he let one rip when he saw O'Bannion.

Brock says there's also great footage of Cronkite on stage with Frank Zappa at The Fillmore in 1971. Cronkite played the Moog with The Mothers on “Latex Solor Beef". Brocks claims that Cronkite was totally into music, including some stuff even further out that Zappa. Brock mentions that people always go nuts about Sherman Helmsley being into Can and Neu!, and Hawkind, but nobody knows about Cronkite's musical tastes because of The Anchorman’s Code. The code was followed by all of the leading anchors: Edward R. Murrow, Roger Mudd, Chet Huntley, David Brinkley, John Chanchellor, Peter Jennings, and Ted Koppel. Since these guys were as powerful as Gods, if they didn’t want the general public to know about something personal, then it didn't get out. Brock gives some examples of personal tidbits that the code kept secret. Roger Mudd was a Hell’s Angel and dated Janis Joplin despite being a married family man. Peter Jennings had a stint as a roadie for the Canadian hardcore band D.O.A. around the time of Hardcore '81. Jennings was actually the legal guardian of Chuck Biscuits and Ken “Dimwit” Montgomery’s for a while. Tom is shocked by the musical interests of these newsmen. Brock explains that they were all super creative, super left-of-center guys who felt totally hemmed in by having to wear a tie and read news copy. They needed a creative outlet. Dan Rather was actually a big movie buff. He wrote the Oscar-winning screenplay for Network -- Paddy Chayefsky just put his name on it. Tom thinks it sounds crazy. Brock says that Rather didn’t want the glory. He just craved the kick of writing.

Brock bets that Tom hasn't heard about the whole Wolf Blitzer/The Cars thing. He's right. In a nutshell, besides being the face of The Situation Room, Blitzer is also an incredibly accomplished guitar player. While cutting his teeth as a local anchor in Boston in the mid-1970s, he was also teaching guitar (possibly pro bono) to local musicians. One of his students was Elliot Easton. Wolf taught him everything he knew. Although it's heavily disputed, Blitzer says he came up with the guitar hooks for all of the first album and most of Candy-O. Blizter was miffed that he didn't get any publishing or even an album credit. Brock says the word "Candy-O" was Wolf’s term for a women’s private area. He asks Tom not to tell Paula Zahn since she'd probably have a bird.

Blizter stopped helping the band, which explains the lack of hooks or hits on Panorama. Tom always wondered why the hits dried up on that album. Brock says that “Touch and Go” would have been an outtake on Candy-O. Wolf admitted in an interview that the record was weak. Wolf was also really made at Ric Ocasek for his association with the Bad Brains. Ocasek produced Rock for Light and was waving the flag about discovering them. Brock says it's total BS. Wolf’s buddy Sam Donaldson discovered the Bad Brains. When Donaldson was stationed in DC in 1978, he used to hang out at a club called Madam’s Organ. He got to know HR, Daryl, Earl, and Doc, and he was the first guy to turn them on to reggae. This fact is barely known at all, and Brock certainly didn't see anything about it in American Hardcore. Donaldson took the guys to see Bob Marley open for Stanley Clarke at the Capitol Center. Tom wants to know the source of all this information. Brock says he gets it by subscribing to several inside news wire services that are kind of like Google Alert. The information is out there.

The Cars were lucky enough to hook up with Chris Matthews. He was also an accomplished axeman based in Boston. He wrote a lot of the latter-day stuff -- "Shake It Up", "Drive", and "You Might Think". Tom can't believe that the two benefactors of The Cars are Wolf Blizter and then Chris Matthews. Tom forgot one: Hall of Fame Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox catcher, Carlton Fisk. He programmed most of the drums for Door To Door, the band's final studio album. Contrary to popular belief, the band was not Ocasek- and Benjamin Orr-driven. Brock says that the guy in the ski mask told him that Ted Kennedy played bass on a lot of that stuff. Brock managed to lull Tom with stories of artistic newsmen to the point where he forgot that he’s the guy who has fights with himself. Tom has the feeling that Brock is the guy who is committing the crimes. Brock denies his involvement: "No I ain't." Tom asks him if he could see two men in the shoplifting mirror at Dame Lola's. Brock says they were standing so close to each other that it looked like one person. Tom thinks Brock is nuts -- a horrible person who is terrorizing the world by fighting his own urges.

Brock thinks Tom should look out because Ray Ray just told him what would happen next. Ray Ray is the guy in the ski mask. He said there's a DJ who’s being stalked by a creepy guy in a ski mask, and the creepy guy won't ever stop until he skins the DJ. Ray Ray is sort of there with Brock now. Brock sees him in the bathroom mirror. Tom tells Brock to put his hand up to his face. It doesn't feel like he's touching his face, but it looks like it in the mirrow. He sees one hand touching a ski mask, while the other hand holds the phone ... and a knife. Tom wonders why these guys find him. Brock explains it to the tune of "Let's Go" (including handclaps): the guys like the night life, baby, and she says, "You die."

- Tom doesn't know what kind of game Brock has put him in, but he does know (starts at 2:42) that he has the hott new issue of Autograph Collector, which features a cover story on the 10 best and worst sports signers. Before Tom can get into the magazine, Pete calls to cheer him up by saying that the freakish Brock doesn't have nothing on him, man. Tom Scharpling doesn't have to take any of that, man! Pete thinks Brock should start digging his own grave. Tom believes that Pete's support is another indicator that the world has gone topsy-turvy. In a turn of events that recalls My Bodyguard, Pete is now Tom's closest ally.

Tom reads a story about Adam West from the "In Person" section of the magazine. A reader recounted his brother's unsuccessful attempts to get an autograph from the actor. His letters were returned, and a request was denied at a Milwaukee mall appearance because West claimed a dog bit his hand. The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel dubbed West a "bitter Batman", but Tom thinks the paper should be reporting on more important issues. His brother drove to a convention in Chicago to get West to sign his great-grandfather's copy of The Bat. While waiting in line, he saw West refuse to sign many items, such as a door from the Batmobile. Tom is understandably confused about West's refusal to sign at a convention. West thumbed through the book, which he hadn't seen in many years. He read from it and argued that it inspired all of the Batman comics, films, and television shows. He signed the cover page. Tom isn't sure if he feels more sorry for the autograph seeker or Adam West, who apparently believes his signature is as valuable as gold or can heal people. Tom has a tip for securing this elusive autograph: send West a check for $2, so he can endorse the back of it.

Tom reviews the 10 Best and Worst sports lists. The worst list was topped by Kevin Garnett, who hasn't signed since his rookie year. He has been known to refuse to sign for young kids, telling them that they should be in school long after school is done for the day. He will also order them to leave the arena in search of HEROPS. Garnett even refuses to do paid signings. Tom believes that Garnett has the right to choose not to participate in the autograph industry. Tom laughs so hard at the description for fifth-worst Tony Stewart that he thought Christopher Hitchens wrote it. The write-up says the only Sharpie Stewart likes is the Sharpie 500 race. Stewart's fan club gets you 12 non-autographed items, but his website offers autographed mini-helmets and diecast cars for $175-$200. At Home Depot events, he refuses to converse with his fans. Tom's solution: don't be a fan of this jerk.

The lone lady on either list is Maria Sharapova. While she is considerably generous with schools and charities, Autograph Collector laments that she is tighter than catgut in a racket when it comes to signing autographs. Tom is certain that Bob Hope wrote that line, but he's not credited. A dealer said that Sharapova only signed the photos provided at her Macy's event. He was angry that she refused to sign any tennis memorabilia that he was hoping to sell for 11,000x its actual value. Some people say that the autograph collecting community is sad, but Tom is not one of those people. He thinks they seem like upstanding people. In a section called "Off The Wall", readers are asked to help identify the person in autographed head shots. These are sent in by people who collect autographs from any living humans. In the "Autograph All-Stars" section, Will Clark and Bernie Kosar are singled out as good signers. Tom decides to put the autograph collecting community on six months Best Show probation for wasting people's time. Tom wants the magazine removed from the studio.

My worst sport autograph experience was Lenny Dykstra, who refused to sign my program, punched me in the stomach, and called a woman next to me a "c". The nicest athlete was Ron Guidry, although I didn't appreciate him hitting on my cousin. She was eight at the time. Kind prevert-y.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Spike eulogizes Pookie Hudson, Denny Doherty, and "Bam Bam" Bigelow, Philly Boy Roy declares WAR on the FDE girl, Keith Garfinkle offers some insight into the hott new pillow-fighting leagues, and Tom delivers his first-ever Unfair Theater Review.

Now is the Winter of our Discotheque,

Made glorious Summer by this Son of Mork:

And all the clouds that lowr'd upon our house

In the deepe bosome of the Ocean buried.

Now are our browes bound with Victorious Wreathes,

Our bruised armes hung up for Monuments;

Our sterne Alarums chang'd to merry Meetings;

Our dreadfull Marches, to delightfull Measures.

      -- William "The Beard" Shakespeare, Richard III

For Terre T:

Posted by Omar at 12:26 PM | Permalink | Comments

Why?

Posted by Omar at 1:02 PM | Permalink | Comments

Iraq.

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 12:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

Monday, January 22. CNN writes: "Beachcombers grab crippled ship's booty."

Here's the story if you are at all interested (but let me just go ahead and save you the disappointment...there's no grabbing, no booties, not even a cripple).

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 11:51 AM | Permalink | Comments

George Saunders (not freeze-framed) + three other fellows:

**********

Anna Schuleit

Atul Gawande's Complications: A Surgeon's Notes on an Imperfect Science

John A. Rich

Also: the once-mighty QV was way ahead of the MacArthur Foundation.

Posted by Omar at 1:31 PM | Permalink | Comments

Super Deluxe is LIVE. (Hit the Artists page to feel good about all the alt.names you recognize.)

Posted by x amount at 10:49 AM | Permalink | Comments

Rent or buy the best film of 2006.

Posted by Omar at 7:05 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 11:19 AM | Permalink | Comments

"Runnin' around like an animule. I'm runnin' down the hall, back and forth, and back and forth. I'm runnin' suicide drills or something, like I'm tryin' out for the team!" -- Tom, getting fired up for the show Rollins-style

"Two for The Queen, three for The Queen, two for The Queen, three for The Queen ..." -- A series of old New Jersey residents succumb to the magnetic pull of the Helen Mirren vehicle

"You should move to Baltimore, start your own store -- you're own Crabcakery." -- Philly Boy Roy, giving Tom an idea for a new restaurant

"Oh, it doesn't sound like it. I hear all kids of pops." -- Philly Boy Roy, doubting Tom's use of a microphone windscreen

"He's not tellin' me -- he's very toight-lipped about it. -- Philly Boy Roy on Roy, Jr's refusal to spill the details of his sale of the Liberty Bell to the Japanese

"What you guys do? All plan to cut one at the same time and then fan it over to Manhattan?" -- Philly Boy Roy, trying to figure out the origins of the horrible stench

"Maybe not as much looking like a scary witchy woman." -- Tom on the look of JJ Mascis

"You can't name your kid Nazareth in 2007." -- Tom, setting would-be parents straight

"What's up with that guy? He's Elmer Fudd on steroids." -- The Crame Dog on Bebe Williams, the new Myspace sheriff in town

"Nobody tries to look like Bun E. Carlos, people end up looking like Bun E. Carlos." -- Tom on the gradual slide into middle age

"Jerks are jerks. They're two-year-old jerks and there's 80-year-old jerks." -- Tom on generation-spanning jerkiness

"That was like 1982. Why don't you trying doing SOMETHING ELSE at some point!" -- Tom on Ren and Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi's quarter-century grudge

"Just read the lines that they hand you and shut up." -- Tom on Harry Shearer lamenting the failure to flesh out Otto the bus driver

"What? Are you kidding. I'm irresistible with that stuff on." -- Tom, countering Laurie's opposition to Axe body wash

"I love the Paul McCartney. He shouldn't have a Hitler mustache." -- Brian from Higgins on the disgraceful defacement of the Back to the Egg cover art (Dr. Stupid did it.)

"Does that make me, I don't know, less of a human or something?" -- A caller, wondering if his Toilet Boys fandom affects his worth as a man

"I could tell it would command instant respect." -- A caller, explaining the importance of his pornography-laden briefcase prop to his defense in court

"Well, I want to score not just on camera, but off camera, too, if you know what I mean." -- A caller on his unquenchable thirst for fame of any kind

"He may not be the guy to get you, but I will. If I'm not in prison, too." -- A caller, warning Tom that either he or his father will crush him with a block of ice

"I wanna go down one aisle to shop for my pet; I want to do down another aisle to shop for my food." -- Tom on his preferred grocery merchandising

[TBSOWFMU - 1/9/07 / Podmirth / Video Contest Entry of the Week / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Ann Peebles - "Slipped, Tripped and Fell In Love"

( Click here to buy The Best of Ann Peebles: The Hi Records Years)

The Cynics - "Now I'm Alone"

( Click here to tell Get Hip to put Rock 'N' Roll back into print)

Sondre Lerche - "The Tape"

( Click here to pre-order Phantom Punch)

Deadly Snakes - "Gore Veil"

( Click here to buy Porcella)

Compulsive Gamblers - "I Call You Mine"

( Click here to buy Bluff City)

Blacktop - "Here I Am (Here I Always Am)" (Captain Beefheart cover)

( Click here to buy I've Got a Baaad Feelin' About This: Complete Recordings)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun. Like, say, the annotated highlights of an exciting episode titled "Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Murder":

It's another closed-phones Tuesday because the open phones have gone the way of dial-up Internet connections and the guy who delivers ice in a truck. Tom paints a picture of people sitting around and reminiscing about the old days of open-phones Tuesdays. But things change, and now it's mere nostalgia. It used to be one of the fun features on "The Best Show on WFMU". You could call in without a topic and just take over the program, holding the audience hostage to your flights of whimsy, goofball improvisations, and unfocused rambling. Some things come, and some things go, and the host of said show was actually shot and killed in the parking lot after finishing an installment in 2007. While the killer is still at large, there are eight suspects, including a young punk named Petey, juicy musician/pimp known as "Stevie Blue", and Pete, a Tom Waits-loving gas station attendant and former heroin addict. The host frequently made predictions about his own death that involved these men.

- Charlie in Seattle corrals the courage (starts at 22:08) to step up and field any topic in the inaugural call of the show. Unphased by the closed phones, he sneaks through and promises to get in and get out with two quick points. Tom likes the efficient approach.

1. Charlie violated a potential Best Show Law by listening to Harry Shearer's yucky "Le Show" last week. On this episode, Shearer started one of the most one-sided beefs that hip-hop has ever seen. He tore down Death Row Records in one of his wry spoof raps. In what I assume was some kind of Best-Of 2006 show, Shearer's flow involved the label's bankruptcy filing in April of last year. For some reason, Shearer took great delight in their financial misfortune. Charlie wonders if it would be possible to find an entity that could care less about what Harry Shearer thinks about them than Suge Knight & Co.

Tom takes a bold stand and announces that Shearer tripped over This Is Spinal Tap. Charlie agrees that he's by far the least contributing member of the band -- he pulled up the rear while Guest and McKean carried the comedic load. Meanwhile, Shearer would be going the way of Death Row if those checks from The Simpsons weren't keeping his boring boat afloat. Tom also points out that "Le Show"'s interstitials are a catch-all for the worst music ever. Merge that with cutting-edge rap parodies and stale impressions (Rather, Brokaw, GWB), and you've got a whole lotta bad. Unlike Shearer, Tom is not obsessed with newsmen and demonstrates his preference for weird impressions by doing his classic Isabel Sanford. Charlie confirms that he's never heard Shearer attempt a Sanford send-up.

2. Charlie says that if Tom fancies himself being like the Queen, he should assemble a Best Show Royal Family. Tom loves it. He also gives Charlie props for jumping into the fire of a closed-phone Tuesday with focus and setting the tone for the show. Charlie is hoping the Best Show Royal Family topic will be a builder with legs in the weeks and months to come. Tom writes it down as an item for future discussion.

Tom expressed his love for The Queen on last week's show, and the film's titular heroine continues to have a profound influence on him. Tom expected a sparse crowd for the 2 p.m. Wednesday screening he attended in Montclair a couple of weeks ago, but when he arrived, there was a line to see The Queen. He forgot that a film like this is an "old magnet". He almost didn't get in, and he was the second youngest person in the packed theater. Tom one-ups Shearer again with top-shelf impressions of the parade of elderly duos and trios requesting tickets for The Queen at the box-office window. In addition to being the youngest moviegoer, Tom felt like Travis Bickle because he was the only solo member of the audience.

The one person younger than Tom was the poor, poor 10-year-old who was dragged to the film by his grandparents. Tom imagines the youngster's frantic scanning of the arthouse marquee where he found no Night at the Museum. It was either The Queen or the Shearer-soiled For Your Consideration. After the film ended, his grandparents asked him to confirm that they had just seen a good film. He did. Even he liked it! The Queen got him. Tom can understand her wide appeal because she's running things and takes no guff. She's no figurehead. She's seen them all come and go, and she's still driving her Range Rover through the woods. She outlasted Churchill and she's still in charge.

Tom remains certain that the Queen is destined for imminent hip-hop icon status. The gentlemen over at Death Row will give her proper respek for how she runs an empire surrounded by all the whimpering nervous nellies questioning her decisions. She knew when she had to fold and take one step back to take two steps forward. As The Thermals might say, here's her future: she's gonna REIGN.

For Whom The Liberty Bell Tolls: Philadelphia rejoices after eliminating the invaders from Stink City; prepares produce for Scharpling romp

- Philly Boy Roy calls (starts at 30:31) to ask Tom if he learned them songs yet. Since nem Iggles defeated the Giants on a last-second field goal in the first round of the NFL playoffs on Sunday night, PBR won the bet from last week's show. To honor his end of the agreement, Tom has to run from up there in Newbridge down to the Philadelphia Museum of Art's steps and go up 'em. Along the way, he will need to go through the Italian Market, Center City, and all the key Philadelphia pathways. During this 100-mile trek, Tom will have to sing the same three songs over and over. Since Tom forgot the setlist, PBR refreshes his memory on the first track by performing "Gonna Fly Now (Theme From Rocky)".

PBR pauses before revealing the second song, and since Tom doesn't say anything, he assumes that he's been given the go-ahead to sing it. PBR is thrilled because he really wants to sing it. Tom would love to hear it, so PBR delivers the goods on The Hooters' big hit, "And We Danced". Tom doesn't recall the much more obscure third track, so PBR tells him that it's "Davy Jones' Watercooler" by Psychotic Norman. Tom remembers that they are another Philly band, but PBR doesn't feel that Tom is giving them their due. Tom's never heard of them, which is understandable because PBR says they only released one 7". Tom's assigned track was the b-side to the "Man Meets Fish" single , which makes Tom wonder if the band had a nautical theme. PBR never really thought about it, but they were from Drexel Hill, which is pretty far inland. Tom concludes that the band may have just been fascinated by the water since they were not near it. PBR thinks this is a reasonable theory.

Tom believes that there is a seafood component to Philadelphia cuisine, and PBR confirms this by citing Eat-All Crab Cakes, which he believes offered the best crab cakes in the world. Their secret was forming the cakes with 90% mayonnaise. Tom thinks that sounds terrible, but PBR thought they were great. Despite his loyal patronage, they went out of business. Tom feigns disbelief considering they offered crab cakes with less than 10% crab in them. PBR thinks there was probably some crab in the cake, but Tom points out that a good portion would be taken up with breading. PBR was unaware he was talking to Mr. Know-It-All Crabcake Guy. He thinks Tom's should move to Baltimore to start his own Crabcakery. Tom says he's no crab cake guru, but he is aware of the basic ingredients. PBR wants Tom to teach him about crabcakery, so he writes down the list of ingredients: c-r-a-b, b-r-e-a-d-i-n-g, and mayonnaise, which PBR doesn't even attempt to spell. Tom tells him to just write mayo, but PBR spells it M-a-o like the Chinese Marxist military chairman instead of the common condiment made from emulsifying egg yolks and vegetable oil. After setting him straight on the Mao/mayo spelling, Tom has to explain that Mao is a Chinese name because PBR thinks it's Moe from The Three Stooges. PBR further complicates matters by suggesting that M-o is the correct spelling of Moe Howard's first name. PBR admits that he doesn't really get it, so Tom wisely decides to end the food/spelling discussion.

PBR hopes Tom will start the required run tomorrow, and he advises Tom to wear his sweatpants since it's kinda cold down there. He also recommends a plastic poncho for running through The Italian Market. Since people know that Tom is coming, they will be prepared to pelt him with rotten fruit and vegetables -- stuff they can't get into their local grocer's freezer. Tom thinks PBR sounds like he's doing a radio commercial, and PBR says he's done a little voice-over work for WIT, the best AM station in Philadelphia, known for spinning all the oldies. Tom wants to know what work he's done, so PBR asks him if he's ever heard of a little franchise called Wawa. PBR is their new radio pitchman. He gives Tom a sample of one of his spots: "Hey everybody come on down to Wawa, we got specials going on. You want your hoagies? OK, we got 'em! Lots of oregano, cheese, all kindsa stuff. You'll love it!"

This passes for a radio commercial in Philadelphia because the engineers put a lot of 'verb on it. PBR explains that he's using industry jargon for "reverb". He wants Tom to guess what he uses in front of his microphone, and Tom correctly guesses a windscreen. PBR seems surprised that Tom knows about those. Tom tells PBR that he's on the radio and using one right now. PBR says it doesn't sound like it because he hears a lot of pops. Tom says that perhaps WFMU is not up to the technical standards of Philadelphia radio stations. PBR says that's probably the case since all that equipment was invented in Philadelphia. PBR recites the slogan, "Philly makes, the world takes", but Tom catches him in a heist of the "Trenton Makes, The World Takes" slogan from the Lower Free Bridge in Trenton, New Jersey. PBR is skeptical about the accuracy of Tom's charge, but he'll never know for sure because he'll never venture to Trenton to see the bridge's message.

PBR has some numbers for Tom to digest: 23-20, the final score of the Iggles-Giants game. When the final whistle blew, the Zieglers went nuts. Roy, Jr. even let PBR ring the stolen Liberty Bell a couple of times. It was still in their basement on Sunday, but Roy, Jr. has since sold this piece of American history to some Japanese guys. They took it back to Japan, but don't no one know it, though. Roy, Jr. hasn't revealed the sale price, but PBR thinks it's at least in the vicinity of $1 million. Tom thinks that if original lyrics for The Beatles' songs go for hundreds of thousands of dollars, the Liberty Bell should top $1 million. PBR says Roy, Jr. is being toight-lipped about the transaction. Tom is not entirely sure what state Roy, Jr.'s lips are in, so PBR explains that his son is not saying much about it. Tom says he doesn't think there's an "o" in the word "tight". PBR denies saying there was and thinks Tom should open his ears.

The Japanese dudes also have the real Mona Lisa painting -- the one that's in The Lever is a fake. They also own Jim E. Hendrix. PBR says the axeman didn't die. His manager, Chas Chandler, simply sold him to the Japanese. They said he's doing well and still writing songs. Tom thinks it's disgusting slavery to sell another human being. PBR says they don't make him do stuff like that. He just lives and plays guitar. Tom thinks it sounds like they are renting him, and PBR doesn't know what the arrangement should be called. PBR didn't actually meet Hendrix, but the Japanese men showed him some current pictures and videotapes. Hendrix was kicking back, having a beer, and watching TV. Tom's amazed by this news.

PBR feels bad about the Giants loss and thinks it must stink for their fans. Tom says it wasn't that surprising considering their erratic, injury-plagued 8-8 regular season. PBR thinks the early playoff exit leaves a bad smell in your nose, specifically the foul aroma of failure. Tom suspects PBR is getting at something, and he's right. PBR remembers hearing something about repulsive stenches on the news. PBR says it seemed like New York got a first-hand smell of Tom's stink pit state the other day. PBR wonders if everyone in New Jersey planned to cut one at the same time and then fan it over to Manhattan. Tom says that when he heard about the olfactory emissions, he was more worried about PBR's on-air taunting that anything else associated with the event. PBR unleashes extended, high-pitched cackles that Tom declares the worst laugh ever. PBR says Tom shouldn't feel bad because they once had a similar thing in Philadelphia. PBR recalls a really weird stench coming over from Camden and realizes that it emanated from New Jersey as well. PBR laughs again and wonders what's going on over there. PBR speculates that the Earth is saying that youse people make me nauseous, and it has to get some relief. He makes a flatulence noise and signs off with a "later days". Tom = Beat Up. PBR got him on the football bet, and then got him again on the NJ stink gas.

Roy Ziegler 2
Tom 0

I Don't Wanna Be Yr Joe Ramone: Sleater-Kinney express their preference for The Ramones' frontman at their second-to-last show

- Tom introduces (starts at 46:15) a topic called "Names, Names, Names". He points out that even though you don't pick your own name, your name inevitably defines you. Tom is the fifth Tom in his family; Mike the Associate Producer is the first Mike in his family. If you change somebody's name just a little bit, it changes the way you think about the person. Tom V gives an example: Joey Ramone vs. Joe Ramone. The latter conjures an image of a totally muscular meathead who outweighs Joey by at least 70 pounds, sports a mustache, and has bulging cannon biceps. Another transformation would occur if you turned Dinosaur Jr's J Mascis into JJ Mascis. Tom thinks JJ would probably have a mustache and a more professional, slick look instead of looking like a scary witchy woman.

- Jack calls (starts at 48:48) to talk about his family's tradition of naming the eldest son after his grandfather. He lucked out with a standard-issue name, his father's name is the off-the-charts-bad Nazareth. While policy dictates that he would have to assign that name to his first-born son, Jack's hopeful that he could negotiate a deal to break the cycle of horror if he's faced with this dilemma. Both he and Tom agree that it's time to take the family's nomenclature into the new century and not provide such easy fodder for the salivating silver tongues on the schoolyard. Tom says that you cannot name your kid Nazareth in 2007 because he'd be ridiculed as "Naz the Spazz". Jack laughs like Philly Boy Roy, but quickly composes himself to take proper offense at Tom's mockery of his hypothetical kid. Jack asks for an alternate name, and Tom suggests Not Nazareth.

Tom expands the topic to include names that have hit an all-time low after getting dragged through the mud by the aberrant behavior and/or complete lack of talent by various namesakes. For example, Mr. Federline has forever tarnished the upstanding Kevins of the world. In the last 18 months, Tom has been under siege from the wacky escapades of Mr. Cruise. He used to have a solid trio with Tom Hanks and Cinderella's Tom Keifer also holding things down, but Cruise went from a plus to a minus after disrespecting the name. I would recommend replacing Cruise with either the patriotic sketch comedian Tom Jeter or the celebrated British playwright Tom Stoppard.

- A caller says (starts at 52:29) that he entered a contest with his wife prior to the birth of their child. If it was a boy, he got to name it, but she had dibs on the girl. More of an arrangement than a proper "contest", innit? Anyway, his son is 1.5, and she's still not happy with Fritz, which is the caller's step-grandfather's name. His wife would have picked Plum for a girl. The caller isn't sure what he would name a second son since every other name sounds like a 1940s Vegas act when combined with Fritz. Tom actually saw the German interpretive dance duo, Plum & Fritz, perform their famous Die Augen von Toilettenpapier (roughly: "The eyes of toilet paper") routine as a child. He thought they were very good. The caller says a friend of his caught a P&F show a few years ago. They're still bringing it! I caught them in the early 1980s at the Brendan Byrne Arena as the opening act for Sesame Street On Ice. Their interpretation of Kraftwerk's Computerwelt still haunts me.

- The original Crame Dog checks in (starts at 54:08) to find out what's up with the new Myspace wrangler, Bebe Williams. The Crame Dog was the first person to start patrolling Tom's Myspace page for Clubbers, capturing five Fincher fugitives during the 11/28/06 show, but he's since been overtaken by the more aggressive BeBe. The Crame Dog thinkes BeBe is clearly out for blood and compares him to Elmer Fudd on growth enhancers. Tom reports that BeBe started 2007 on fiyah with 10 fresh catches ("lots of women in this list"!), and while the Crame Dog respects what he's doing, he finds his extreme devotion to the cause a little weird.

Tom thinks the Crame Dog might feel like yesterday's news after Bebe shifted the mission into a new gear. The Crame Dog's stuck in 3rd, while BeBe is taking it to 4th and 5th. He finally admits that he's a pathetic failure compared to BeBe Williams. The Crame Dog's New Year's Resolution is to keep hunting people down so Tom can cut them loose. Perhaps the Crame Dog's crime fighting took a back seat to the birth of his son 11 days ago. He named him Otis as an homage to Lex Luthor's sidekick played by Ned Beatty in the first two Superman films, not the drunk from The Andy Griffith Show. Tom loves it, and the Crame Dog confirms that he'll grow into just "O" when he's old enough to mow the lawn and complete other household chores. Tom says his favorite "O"-name is Omar, the gentlemen who does the recapsulations for the program. The Crame Dog vows to name his next son Omar.

- Dan in Bloomfield calls (starts at 57:18) with a name switcheroo story. He had a friend named Damien Jude who lived up to the stereotype established by the Damien Thorn character in The Omen film series. Dan says his friend was very intense and eccentric, although it is unclear if he was also the Antichrist. Dan always thought that he would have been more easygoing if he had chosen to be called DJ. Tom thinks that having a name like Damien would get int your head and force you to be kinda nuts.

Bun E. Carloses: A famous pamphleteer's canine and the Cheap Trick drummer

- Henry in Georgia calls (starts at 58:32) during a rare live listen to the program. He usually opts for the podcast, but tonight he was doing some work at the computer, so he fired up the stream. Henry's work includes publishing the Chunklet newsletter, puncturing the overrated, and playing semi-pro WhirlyBall. He and his wife just got a hyphy-allergenic labradoodle puppy, and he got to name it because he paid for it. His wife repeatedly shot down suggestions like Lando, Tackleberry, and Thor. She finally scored with Bunny, but Henry issued the caveat that it had to be Bun E. Carlos. Henry says it's funny to get calls from the veterinary clinic inquiring about a check-up for Bun E. Carlos. Henry says the shaggy and moppish dog is kind of in line with the human Bun E. Carlos of an older era. Henry points out that circa-2007 Bun E. Carlos looks like a high school drum teacher who has not given much thought to his image in the last 10-15 years. Tom agrees that nobody is modeling their look on a 2002 Bun E. Carlos. Henry suggests that certain Home Depot associates have that look, but Tom convincingly argues that nobody actively tries to achieve the look of Bun E. Carlos. It's something you just kinda back into.

- Jack calls (starts at 1:03) to ask Tom if he's ever Google'd his name. Tom says that when he searches for "Tom", a lot of stuff comes up. When Jack does it, he gets a guy in a Baptist church in Nebraska. Jack also drops a quick anecdote that involves some name-calling. His girlfriend's roommate is probably the most annoying person in the world. Jack says his offenses include talking to himself and being Southern. Tom points out that being a Southern doesn't make him inherently annoying, but Jack adds that he's also incredibly racist and sexist. Tom realizes that he's that kind of Southerner and confirms that he dresses in a white Colonel Sanders suit. Tom now hates this guy and declares him his biggest enemy on Earth. The guy also just bought an eco-unfriendly Toyota MegaCruiser.

Jack was recently looking at pictures of his friend's party, and the annoying guy quickly made fun of his friend because he was Puerto Rican. Tom thinks Jack is breaking it down like Don Rickels. The annoying guy explained that his cousins moved out of state because there were way to many 'Ricans. The annoying guy got a new job upstate, so he will soon depart for the small village of Goshen. While Tom was once at war with this land, a truce was put in place for 2007 after the mutants surrendered by waving the I ♥ Goshen shirt. Tom fears that the annoying guy will disrupt the peace by fanning the flames and forming a little racist army of soft-serve Goshen kids. Tom will track any suspicious sales spikes at southernsuits.net and kentuckycolonelwardrobe.com. Tom thinks it would be frightening to look out the window and see a Sanders Army marching down the street in their white suits and weird black string ties.

- Tom requests (starts at 1:07) some additional soiled names and wonders what -- if any -- recourse someone named Paris has at this point. I can't really think of any viable options for extant Parises. Aspiring parents who are Gilmore girls fans, Wim Wenders enthusiasts, or just enjoy the European city must realize that the socialite's slimy stranglehold on the name is too strong. The only winning move is to pick a named that's more culturally respectable. Like Borat.

Mike wanted to be called Mickey as a youngster because Mickey Dolenz was his favorite Monkee. Dolenz was thrown into The Best Show doghouse hate pit for humiliating Tom when he met him. Tom attended a star-studded event (guests included Tim Blake Nelson and Herb Williams) and spotted Dolenz wearing a dumb Miami Vice outfit with a stupid Panama hat. Since nobody was around him, Tom made his move so he could tell him that he was huge fan of Head. Dolenz blew him off cold. Tom was outraged that a nobody like Dolenz had the nerve to serve it up to The Kid. Tom used to think he was funny, but then realized that he's terrible, jumping around like a dope and trotting out the same James Cagney impression that anybody can do with simple voice modulation. I hear that Shearer has been practicing the "You dirty rat" speech for weeks and will unveil it on next week's "Le Show" in a riff about additional troop deployment in Iraq. Cagney didn't even say it! Tom damns Dolenz by calling him the Robin Williams of rock. Like the rail-driven, hirsute comedian, Dolenz fired as many shots as possible without any regard to quality. He missed his targets, but just kept shooting crooked.

When Tom discussed his Dolenz encounter back in May, he expressed his desire to create two Dolenz-based shirts. I'm hoping those go into production soon (marathon premiums!).

- Jess(ica) from The Shamblers calls (starts at 1:10) to help Tom climb out of the Dolenz hate pit by discussing the origins of her longform name. She was given a blessing and a curse when her parents named her after The Allman Brothers Band song, "Jessica". Tom's assessment: nice name, but not a nice song. Since the song never ends, Jess thinks it could be a sign that she will have long life. Tom points out that the Allman Brothers also keep going and going with tours that include their annual homestand at the Beacon Theater (3/22 - 4/7 this year) to satiate their massive NYC fanbase.

Jess also has a preponderance of people named Peter in her life: boyfriend (+bandmate), grandfather, brother, and her boyfriend's two close friends also have brothers named Peter. In a nutshell: she's trapped in a weird Peter vortex. While her grandfather's given name is Peter, Tom wants to know if she calls him "Grampy". Jess actually calls him Peter because she thinks of him as a cool friend. Tom pretends to be grossed out by this friendship, but then reveals that he also likes his grandparents. Tom likes old people, but he doesn't think they're perfect just because they've reached an advanced age. He's not willing to give them a free pass (though they do get a senior discount for The Queen) because they've managed not to pass away. Tom believes that jerks can populate every age bracket, from tyrannical toddlers to obstinate octogenarians.

It will be an exciting 2007 for The Shamblers as they prep for a CD-R release followed by some 7" records in March on Colonial Recordings USA.

- Evan from Providence calls (starts at 1:13) on the heels of sending Tom a nice package. He included a graphic novel that he worked on (presumably Project: Romantic, which he's referenced in previous calls) and the Avenging Unicorn play set. I think a unicorn goring a mime would make a nice companion for that Officer Tom bobblehead doll.

Evan always liked his name because it's easy to pronounce and shared by Evan "Funk" Davies, who closes out the New Power Tuesday lineup. However, he's worried about the release of Evan Almighty, the sequel to Bruce Almighty. Evan is concerned that it will be terrible, but popular. Tom can't believe that a sequel to a Jim Carrey movie sans Jim Carrey will be bad. Plus, Steve Oedekerk is at the helm, so Tom has a good feeling about it. It was actually just written by Oedekerk. The even awesomer Tom Shadyac (Patch Adams) directs! Evan is considering going by initials as preemptive damage control. Tom tries to ease his fears by saying that the movie could be quickly forgotten like Tim Burton's 2001 Planet of the Apes remake. The film traveled through the public consciousness so quietly that you have to strain to even remember that it exists.

- Christopher from Rhode Island calls (starts at 1:16) to talk about the scenario where a child's name is an extension of the parents' hobby and/or interests. His cousin named his son Jack Daniels in a transparent ploy to play up his alcoholism. Tom's horrified, and Christopher also objects, saying that you've got to give your kid a shot (pun presumably unintended). Tom points out that if he opts for J.D., he'll be associated with Zach Braff's character on Scrubs. Christopher wonders which is the worse cross to bear. Tom starts a riff that was going to suggest that being drunk would erase the memory of watching Scrubs, but he declines to throw the show under the bus. He tried it, and it didn't fit. It's simply an ill-fitting shirt, not an outright atrocity.

A few years ago, Christopher met a child around seven- or eight-years old with a mother in her early 30s. The kid was too cool for that age and expressed interests in things a decade beyond his years. This brings up Tom's bad high school memories of his assigned nickname of "Too Cool'. Tom is transported back to a time when he was worn out from fielding constant requests for parties and makeout sessions. This too-cool kid's name was Legend. Christopher speculates that he was conceived under a dreamcatcher and named while his parents were under the influence of a World of Warcraft / The Lord of the Rings 'cid trip. Christopher says he also went to junior high with a fella named Bernie Belcher. Tom says that his parents were stuck with the last name, but could have certainly avoided the alliteration. Tom doesn't think you can top Legend, which requires backward dancing and an exceedingly charming owner to overcome.

Tom throws one at Christopher: Stephen Stills becoming Stefen Stills. Christopher sees Stefen as a member of a band on the E6 label. In a reverse of the Joey-Joe Ramone switch, Stefen drops 70 pounds to become a stick figure in a cardigan with long, mopey hair. Tom had bad dreams about Stephen Stills and names him as a dark horse candidate for his potential murderer. Christopher thinks the weapon of choice would be his own line of autographed knives. Tom can also envision walking out of WFMU and getting rammed with a pick-up truck driven by Graham Nash. Tom doesn't trust the Stills & Nash cabal.

- Megan in Bloomfield reprezents the 07003 (starts at 1:22) with some more wacky names. Her best friend, who used to be an elementary teacher in 'Nawlins, had twins named Camry and Tercel in her class. Tom thinks it's particularly horrific because they were not even fancy cars. Megan used to work at a non-profit in NYC that retained a running list of crazily-named applicants. The craziest candidate during her tenure was a woman named Thisisit Harley. She was declined for their services. Tom wonders if her nickname would be "This". He also can't believe that anyone associated with a non-profit organization would have a weird name. Megan assures him that at least 75% of their applicants had them. She said that some of them would get very sensitive when they were asked to spell their names. As a receptionist, Megan would always ask for a spelling because she's good. And thorough.

- Tristan calls (starts at 1:24) with a follow-up to the S. Stills discussion. Tom remembers meeting this young, upwardly mo-bile rich kid who kept talking about what his daddy was saying. Tristan asks Tom not to talk about it on the air. Tristan's dad's name was Stephen, and he accidentally GOMPed important people because they pronounced it as Stefen. He was thrown because they took it in the opposite direction of where you'd expect the name to go. The only variant he was accustomed to hearing was Steve. Tom can understand how this would be troubling. Tristan used to hate his name, and he was always touting nickname alternatives. After he matured, he saw the need for people need to start branching out because common names get run into the ground. The law of averages dictates that it will eventually be owned by a complete moron. Even if another Tristan came along, he would have a fighting chance to maintain its good standing in the world. Tom likes the name Tristan, and Tristan likes the name Tom. After that pleasant exchange of mutual admiration, Tom bids his honey goodnight.

True story: In the late 1980s, my aunt was visiting and got a call from her NJ-based doctor. She was awaiting some results from recent fertility treatments. I answered the phone and heard an accented male voice ask for "Don". My aunt's name is Diane. Dude also mispronounced the last name, so he was 0 for 2. I told him that I could not offer him a Don, but I could give him a Die-ann. He accepted. The doctor? Natalie Portman's father!

- John Junk calls (starts at 1:27) with an adaptation of his FWD candidate into a name candidate. Junk read a "Talk of the Town" piece about André Balazs. While his name is pretty ridiculous, he took it further by opening the William Beaver House -- a 52-story condo specifically designed for fratty bachelors. Tom thinks this luxury frathouse sounds terrible in theory, but he likes being able to pinpoint the location of a large collection of these guys. Junk links the condo to the sensibility of Spike TV, and Tom chastises him for putting the network down. Junk clarifies that he was only referring to the Spike v.1 with its endless plays of Barb Wire and outrageous original cartoons like Stripperella and Gary the Rat. Tom mentions that they handpicked Kelsey Grammar to voice the titular rodent because he appeals to the demographic that reads Maxim.

Junk mentions that the early Spike also heavily promoted three rejected episodes of The Ren and Stimpy Show that had been collecting dust for 11 years. Tom thinks John Kricfalusi, the show's creator, needs to get over it since he was fired from the program in 1982. Tom recommends that he try doing SOMETHING ELSE. Junks point out that he did a Flash-based video for Tenacious D (the NSFW "Classico") about five years ago. Tom does not approve of filth animation and completely understands Nickolodeon's decision not to air his pornography at 11 a.m. on a Sunday.

Junk quotes his favorite section of the Balazs article:

Nearby, André Balazs was talking quietly about "trying to fast-track creating a sense of community." He explained that the name William Beaver and its attendant innuendos "seem to set an intellectual hurdle--you get it or you don't."

Tom doesn't like it ... he hates it. He thinks they should just call it the Mad TV Magazine House, Maxim Arms, or FHM Manor. Junk counters with Jerk Towers.

- Listener T calls (starts at 1:31) from Califuhnia, so Tom does a snippet of his bleeding-edge Arnold Schwarzenegger impression to practice for his looming Schwarzenegger-off with Harry Shearer. Tom mocks Shearer for complaining about the lack of character development for Otto Mann, the worst character on The Simpsons. Tom thinks Shearer should just read his lines and shut up.

Since T attended art school, he frequently ran into the progeny of the 1960s. He had a friend named Eden, who had a younger sister named Rainbow. Their mom was a hardcore, old-school Bohemian with five kids by five different men she didn't marry. She also released an EP on Crucial Blast Records in 1987. The oldest child (a girl) was named Darrow after the famed civil libertarian lawyer, Clarence Darrow. The youngest one was nearly four years ago, but he didn't have a name for his first three years on Earth. The parents wanted him to select his own name. Tom is afraid to hear his choice, but it turns out that the little guy liked the sound of hearing his mom say, "Come over here, Jeff." Like APK rebelling against his hippie parents, Jeff rejected the early 1980s Mellow Grove nonsense. Tom thinks we can all learn from the wisdom of a child. T says that he eventually changed it to Keith, moving sideways within the realm of the conventional. Tom is certain that kids don't want names like Darrow because they'd be driven nuts by people taunting them with "Arrow Through Me", the ill-advised R&B tune from Wings' Back to the Egg.

One of T's other friends at school was known as Jim. However, they saw his passport and discovered his real name was Blue. Jim hated Blue because he was totally punk rock. When he got out of school, he decided it was cool and went back to it. Tom supports him in his former hate for Blue. Tom refuses to refer to T as "Listener T" because everyone is a listener. Tom prefers an even playing field between the DJ and the audience. T brings up WFMU's own Terre T, who identifies herself as "DJ Terre T" when calling The Best Show. Tom says this is simply an expedient identifier rather than a push for some kind of elevated status. T appreciates Tom's support of his individuality, but he chooses to wear the Listener title as a badge of honor.

- Laurie from Miami calls (starts at 1:36) to focus on celebrity baby names. She starts with a list of the Bobby Geldof offspring: Peaches Honeyblossom, Fifi Trixibelle, Little Pixie, and the stepsister, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence. Laurie thinks these names are more suited for Henry Owings's labradoodle. She also cites the names Shannyn Sossamon (Audio Science Clayton) and Jason Lee (Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee) bestowed on their children. Tom points out that the latter was inspired by the Grandaddy song, "He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's The Pilot". (Pilot Inspektor's first words: "I wish my name was Earl.") Laurie also sees a negative influence from the Church of Scientology. Tom is angered by the dis: "You lay off us, I mean, them."

Tom currently uses Pert's Peaches Honeyblossom, a key ingredient in his homebrewed shampoo stew. After downing a 4-liter jug of sodey (available exclusively at the Beverage Depot) in three sittings, he prepares his mix: one bottle of Selsun Blue + one bottle of Peaches Honeyblossom + some Axe body wash. He then cuts it half and half with water. Laurie thinks the Axe is a mistake, but Tom says he's irresistible when he wears it. She also provides a helpful tip: Perry Ellis for Men smells like dish soap. Tom will not use any in his concoction.

- Leland Morello calls (starts at 1:40) to express his lack of knowledge about the origins of his name. He suspects it could be a historical figure like Leland Stanford, but he's not sure. My guess: [SPOILERS] the possessed killer, Leland Palmer. Leland is particularly fond of Indian names. His almost-favorite is NPR National Desk reporter, Snigdha Prakash. Leland also likes the Italian opera flare of Don Gagne. He also admires the name of a chemical scientist who sought to understand the glory of electronic paper. As Tom begins to drift off into sleep, Leland says he pulled his name from an awards ceremony booklet he worked on. The scientist in question is Anarananeph Dodallaballasavedarfur. Tom accuses Leland of just making random sounds. He insists it's a real scientist and urges Tom to look it up in the Chemical Science Journal. Tom will do the research.

- Jeff from Middletown calls (starts at 1:43) to recount a story he read a few years ago about a US Army National Guard firefighter who legally transformed his name to Optimus Prime on his 30th birthday. He chose the fictional character because it served as a father figure when he was growing up. Tom imagines that nobody is rooting for the Transformers movie to be good more than OP, who's praying that Michael Bay doesn't turn his honorable name into an international laughingstock. Jeff thinks the whole thing is a recipe for disaster, but Tom honors Mr. Prime by singing the chorus to Pearl Jam's "Alive" since at least he's still doing it.

- Brian from the rock group Higgins drops off (starts at 1:45) a couple of names. A friend of his was a teacher in South Carolina who had a set of twins named Lemonjello and Orangejello. Tom doesn't like it because it's mean and makes him sad. Tom throws out a trio of identity switches:

1. The alive-and-well Jimi Hendrix becoming Jim Hendrix. The removal of just the letter "i" turns him into an entirely different man.

2. Jimmy Page becomes Jim Page, a relief pitcher for the Angels with a respectable 2.75 ERA

3. Master of cinema Alfred Hitchock turns into Allen Hitchock, an owner of a PR firm.

Brian mentions Magnum PR, and Tom immediately offers himself to them as a potential non-paying client so they can take their business to the next level. Brian promises a new Higgins record in 2007 and wishes Tom a Happy New Year.

- Frederick calls (starts at 1:49) to brag about meeting a woman. He complimented her lovely child, Prerogata, and asked her where she came up with that interesting name. She said it was from the Bobby Brown hit, "My Prerogata". Tom doesn't believe it, but Frederick swears it's the truth. They try to come up with an explanation for how this happened, such as not springing for the record despite loving the song. In this possible scenario, she had a friend tape it and never had any liner notes or track titles. Tom asks Frederick what should be done with him, and he says that he knows not. Tom knows just what to do: hang up. He apologizes for ditching the nice young man, but he can never resist the thrill of the impromptu dismissal.

- A caller checks in (starts at 2:10) to find out who Terre T will have on Saturday's installment of the Cherry Blossom Clinic. Tom's not sure if she has any guests lined up, but the caller thought he heard that she hosting The Toilet Boys. Tom chuckles and says he's pretty sure they won't appear on the program. The caller was really excited about hearing The Toilet Boys on the radio and thought Tom's laughing and 'tude was weird. Tom says they're just not his thing, and the caller asks him if being a fan of the band makes him less of a human. Tom says he didn't intend to demean the caller and only laughed because he was caught off-guard by a name he hadn't heard in a while. The caller is curious to find out if this is how Tom talks to other TV stars. He was the star of the Impaired and Dangerous documentary that aired last Saturday night on a little network called MSNBC. In this expose on driving under the influence, participants navigate an obstacle course sober, and then repeat it while impaired to illuminate the difference. Tom missed it on Saturday night, but he's seen some commercials for it.

The caller says the producers took 12 people between the ages of 21 and 55 to the Newbridge Proving Ground, which is out on Route 7 where the Cinnamon Cineplex was before it melted. Tom has always preferred the theater off Muffler Row. The caller says that everyone aced the course when sober. The next week, they came back to get drunk under the watchful eye of John Q. Law. They were then interviewed about how they think they will perform. The caller predicted that he would concentrate more because he was drunk. Tom confirms that the caller generally has more focus when he drives while intoxicated. Overall, the caller says it was a fun experience where he met a lot of cool people. In fact, when they were all getting a little loose, he made a little love connection. He did it in the bathroom with Casey, one of the police officers on the set.

The caller says that they add some surprise obstacles to the course like a stuffed toy dog darting out or a random car popping out of nowhere. Since they're wasted, everyone was making a few mistakes, but the caller was confident when it was his turn. He was pretty loose and brought his own tunes to crank while drunk driving: M13, Death Cab, and a little bit of the Savage. The caller is referring to Norse Savage, which Tom identifies as white power music. The caller prefers to think of it as "white pride". Fueled by rock and the drink, the caller admits to going a little faster than the suggested course speed of 38 mph. He drove that at times, but there were other times when he took it up to 60. And by 60, the caller means that he was going 60 over 38. Tom assumes that traveling near 100 mph would be highly dangerous, but the caller says there were no people on the very contained course. He recalls one incredible shot where he's seen manning the steering wheel with his feet while doing a Sudoku puzzle. One of the policemen described him as a cross between NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon and Foster Brooks. The caller was unfamiliar with Brooks, so Tom explains that he was an old comedian known for portraying drunks. The caller thinks the Gordon comparison is cool.

A cop with his own braking system was seated next to him, so he could wrench things up if it got out of hand. However, the caller prevented him from doing it by wielding a knife. The cop was acting real mad, especially when the caller got up on only the front-left wheel. He maintained this position for at least 20 seconds and was told that they had never seen anything like it before. Tom says that while he's only seen the show in glimpses, he finds it depressing. The caller says it's also scary, especially when he smashed right into the scurrying stuffed dog. He kept driving as an image of the dog's ghost appeared in his rearview mirror. While he was freaked out by striking the faux animal, the caller says the vision could have been the result of a 'cid hallucination. He also dropped some acid to add another layer to the event. After pretty much failing the test, the caller was arrested. While it was a controlled study intended to prove a point in the documentary, the producers argued that those contstraints did not apply once the caller drove the car off-course. He went so far astray that he drove into the Newbridge Ice Barn during a hockey game between the Newbridge Coins and the Upper Westbridge Trumpets. After sliding across the ice, he drove up into the bleachers and hurt some people.

The authorities nabbed him, so he had to appear in court. He served as his own counsel and brought a briefcase containing only his spank mags to ensure instant respect. The D.A. was not into the briefcase, but the caller thought he got off to a good start with Judge Merkel, who was filling in while they search for a permanent replacement for Judge Davies. Tom remembers that Judge Davies is the guy who was disbarred for using a mysterious device while on the bench. This prompts the caller to mention that Tom once talked to his father about his role on another MSNBC investigative reports program. The man in question is "Fill1965", who called The Best Show in October to discuss his stint on To Catch A Predator and his plans to spin his predatory status into a branding initiative. Tom expresses his sympathy, but the caller says his father is a great man. However, his opinion recently changed when he went through his stuff and found a device constructed from hickory, terrycloth, and what appeared to be hardened candlewax. Tom finds it odd that this would change the caller's mind instead of the fact that he was caught soliciting underage girls. The caller says there are a lot of things going on and wonders who doesn't have issues. Tom says that he and plenty of other people are not candidates for committing vehicular mayhem at a hockey game or being a predator. The caller senses that Tom is judging him, and he doesn't like it. Tom says he's actually just refuting the claim that his dad is some kind of hero. While the caller was disappointed to discover the device, he says the corroded metal grommets on the internal flange crank suggest the PleasureSaurus was not in active use.

Tom's had his fill of the device, so he's pleased to get back to Judge Merkel. She told the caller that she liked his Newbridge Coat of Arms tie-clip. The piece features the image of a jewel-encrusted muffler surrounded by smokestacks underneath the town motto. The caller is shocked that Tom can't recite it: "Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun." Tom thinks it's weirdly passive, but the caller thinks the fact that the text fits on a tie-clip is even weirder. He says that although it requires a microscope to fully read, you can make out some numerals and letters. He says the motto he just revealed is probably the actual motto because he was told it was. He told Judge Merkel that the tie-clip liked her, and she got really mad even though there was nothing lewd or leering about the way he said it. The caller went on the offensive and made his case to the jury, yelling stuff like "You're all out of order!". Tom assumes that he was referencing a line from a movie, but the caller said he's heard people say that. Tom says he probably heard it in ... And Justice For All. Tom clarifies that he's talking about the film, not the Metallica album. The caller isn't sure if he's seen the film and thought he might have made it up. Tom tells him that it probably seeped into his consciousness over the years. After unleashing the famous Pacino line, the caller took out his own gavel and started pounding it. Unfortunately, it was just a quickie preliminary hearing, and the people he thought were the jury were schlubs there for speeding tickets and DUIs. One guy wearing a Norse Savage shirt threw a white choc-o-late Zero bar at him. Tom suspects the bar may be some kind of white power symbol, and the caller gets a bit flustered when addressing the question. He eventually admits that the candy wasn't part of the movement when he was involved with it. He's been out for a few months.

The caller's courtroom antics also included an attempt to remove the gun from the older bailiff's holser. He succeeded, and then all the cops in the room pounced on him. The caller thinks the cops secretly wish for that kind of action and swears he heard one of the pigpiling meatheads say that he dug what he was doing. Tom thinks it's far more likely that they dug preventing an accused criminal from stealing a weapon. The caller's dad is mad at the cops for roughing up his son. He's also upset that the cops on the set of Impaired and Dangerous got him drunk. The caller does not envy those that will have to answer to the charge of serving a minor. Tom asks the caller if he told them that he was underage. The caller asks for a definition of "tell". Tom asks him if he listed his correct age on any requisite paperwork. He did not. He said he was 21, but he's actually only 16. He lied about his age so he could get some television face-time, just like his dad. And his uncle, Reggie Monroe, who got kicked off Survivor for having a "spank-a-thon" in the woods.

Arsenio, I Miss You: The hard-hitting journalist probes Vanilla Ice

When his father is released from jail, the family wants to do a package tour called Monroe Mania: A Night of Songs, Stories, and Sex. The caller would love to have Tom MC the event. The proposed itinerary would start in Newbridge and then expand outward to Upper Westbridge, East Oldbridge, New Redbridge, Redbridge, and Old Redbridge. After concentrating on the Tri-Bridge area, the tour would hit Western Maine and eventually wind its way back to New York once the act is really tight. During the show, the caller will talk about his experiences on the The Apprentice, Jr., which was scrapped during the first day of filming. In order to choose captains for each team, all of the child contestants were required to make igloos from ice blocks that were onsite. The caller wanted to make a big impression during this fun teambuilding project, so he started barking commands at people and really trying to run the show. In his wild attempts to endear himself to Mr. Trump, the caller shoved a girl named Sheila out of the way while throwing ice blocks into the igloo to expedite its construction. Since he was unskilled in manual ice labor, he hit a guy named Matt in the face with one of the ice blocks. He died.

Tom's horrified, but the caller seems a bit indifferent to Matt's demise. He says he didn't know any better because he was only 14 at the time. He uses the same excuse for his drunk driving escapades. Tom says it sounds like he's only interested in making a big score on camera and being a bigshot on television. The caller points out that he also wants to score off camera. He begs Tom not to judge him, but Tom is unsympathetic to his family's quest to get on televison at any cost. The caller says he craves fame, but Tom says he's involved in the most embarrassing type of fame possible. The caller thinks it would be worse to be famous for getting killed with the ice block. Tom thinks it's worse in terms of being deceased, but at least you wouldn't have blood on your hands.

The caller sends an e-mail blast announcing Tom's role as MC for Monroe Mania and promises to keep in touch with updates on the start of pre-production. Tom reiterates that he will not be part of the show, but the caller plans to ensure his involvement. He will use a crane to lift a huge ice block and drop it on Tom's house. Tom's skeptical about his ability to get a crane onto his property, but the caller works for a crane service as an afterschool job. The caller warns Tom to get ready for the ice crane by dressing warmly. While his dad would like to get Tom, he has a bad hip and won't get out of jail for another 13 years. The caller vows to get Tom as long as he doesn't also end up in prison. He signs off with three chilling words: ICE ICE BABY.

- Jodi Ham from New Yawk calls (starts at 2:40) to talk about her life of torture because of her last name. Tom likes it, but the boys in school used to press against her to create a human panini. Her best friend was named Lisa Bosse, so the duo became known as "Ham and Kabosse". When Jody got married, her last name became the Italian entree, Ham-Marinella. However, she doesn't feel that bad about it because she went to school with a girl named Candy Store. Her guitar player is James Brown, who was sold to a group of Japanese businessmen on 12/25/06. Jodi's now-defunct band, The Wanda Jackson 5, once played on Chris T's WFMU program. She's trying to launch a new rockabilly band. Tom doesn't like it. He loves it. While Jodi is a first time caller, she's been a longtime supporter of WFMU, especially Rex and Naz the Spazz.

Tom also wants to talk about the lowly, embarrassing, six-aisle NYC grocery stores. Tom gets a lot of grief for picking on NYC and refusing to declare it the greatest city in the world. While Tom thinks it's great, he has no idea whether it's the greatest because he has not visited all the other cities. He also find aspects of NYC that are clearly inferior to other locales. For example, the grocery stores are wildly inferior to their robust New Jersey counterparts. Tom is particularly troubled by the merchandising mash-up that occurs due to the space limitations. He much prefers having an aisle designated for sweet snacks, an aisle for salty snack, half an aisle for cookies, etc. He also doesn't care for the miniature shopping carts that suggests playtime (Customer in Training!) and the fact that NYC stores only offer one head of lettuce.

Since the Trader Joe's is 20 blocks from her house, Jodi is looking forward to the Whole Foods that has been tempting residents for years. Tom points out that it takes 90 minutes to actually get inside the Trader Joe's. Rather than deal with that perverse joke, he recommends a trip to a Trader Joe's in New Jersey. While the city is full of corner delis and gourmet boutiques, Tom is not enthused by the weird sodeys, $200 packs of paper plates, and $11 cheeses. Jodi is ready to come back to NJ, but her husband refuses. Tom calls for her return.

- Mike calls (starts at 2:43) to offer another candidate for the Robin Williams of Rock title. A couple of months ago, his girlfriend declared Steven Tyler the RWoR after seeing him do his thang in The Decline of Western Civilization II: The Metal Years. Tom is familiar with Tyler's rambling riffs where he'll reference people like Mae West in an effort to relate to the kids. Tom thinks old movies have their place, but he doesn't trust anyone who's a little too into them. He doesn't think people need to list a film's credits like they're auditioning for Nick Clooney's job on American Movie Classics.

- Chris calls (starts at 2:46) to find out if Tom has ever been to the Western Beef supermarket. This NYC chain actually has 10 aisles! Tom's not that impressed and assumes the store still puts cookies and dog food in the same aisle. Tom thinks that's disgusting and wants a buffer between his pet and human food. He also doesn't want the Ajax mingling with the butter. Tom GOMPs him because he has to move things along.

- Jack calls (starts at 2:48) to skillfully merge the name topic with the NYC grocery store discussion. He cites odd names like Gristedes, D'Agostino, and (The) Health Nuts. Tom longs for the comforting strains of names like Shop-Rite, A&P, and Acme Market.

Blindfolded, slam-dunk "W" from Tom "The 'Chise" Scharpling:

Here's Tom's Top 6 of 2006 (track played in parantheses):

6. J Dilla - Donuts ("Workin' On It")
5. Yo La Tengo - I Am Not Afraid Of You And I Will Beat Your Ass ("I Should Have Known Better")
4. The Thermals - The Body, The Blood, The Machine ("Here's Your Future")
3. Ghostface Killah - Fishcale ("Underwater")
2. Jay Reatard - Blood Visions ("My Shadow")

They ran the gauntlet:

1. DC Snipers - Missile Sunset ("All Humans Under 25 Are Garbage")

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Merle Allin calls to promote an exciting GG Allin cover art contest, the Camry and Tercel twins dish some gossip on the Lamborghini and Ferrari twins, and Tom starts whirring the sound effects device.

For Terre T:

Posted by Omar at 9:12 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by mixednut at 2:08 PM | Permalink | Comments

Gulley = gully.

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Ethan Coen visits the grindhouse. (Here's some more "deets", as the kids say.)

[via HE]

Posted by Omar at 7:22 PM | Permalink | Comments

"You think The Queen's gonna take bad phone calls? She's drivin' a Range Rover. The Queen was runnin' things, the Queen don't stop." -- Tom, on the insatiable drive of his new hero

"Will you pretend that you're blind?" -- Tom, wondering how committed a caller is to defending his thesis as Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman

"As far as I'm concerned, it should be a penal colony." -- Spike, suggesting a better use for "Satan Island"

"Tom, I'm known down here. Kinda famous!" -- PBR, justifying his presence in "The Battle of the Philadelphians" stimulation

"I nudged him." -- Philly Boy Roy, helping Mike Schmidt get his groove back with a 9-volt battery

"He said he'd slice my stuff off." -- Philly Boy Roy, revealing the violent consequences of getting caught by his son

"You write a list out and you say the things you want, that way you don't end up with little miniature trees." -- Tom, counseling a youngster on the value of Christmas listmaking

"Right now all we have is dark-haired wigs." -- Paul F. Tompkins on Studio 60's barren wardrobe department

"It's better than people going out there and doing drugs or whatever they're gonna do. Smashing car windows or stealing apples." -- Paul F. Tompkins on the societal benefits of his weekly dice game

"When are you gonna to learn? You're the worst match fighter in the world!" -- Paul F. Tompkins on Philly Boy Roy's lack of skills

"You've never seen a one-year-old with such pure evil in its eyes." -- Paul F. Tompkins on Roy Jr's early turn to the darkside

"Hey youse guys, who stole my horse?" -- Philly Boy Roy, doing a dead-on John Wayne impression

"I'll do Bringing UP The House, how'dya like that?" -- Eugene Levy (via PFT), finally cashing in

"I'm not wrong. America's wrong on this one." -- Tom, trying to drum up support for Coke Blãk

"Wait, you're calling on a cordless phone? I never would have guessed. I thought you were in the room with me." -- Tom on the source of Laurie's crystal-clear connection

"Daddy needs some companionship, and you know what they say about those dancers." --Trip Whiting, requesting a .jpg of choreographer Twyla Sharp

"For all anyone knows, he's like a dog or possibly even a beanbag chair." -- Trip Whiting on the shapeshifting criminal pornograher John E. Cash

"And if you win, guess where the money comes out?" -- Trip Whiting on the victory spout in the GG Allin slot machines

"It's such a shame that someone slipped him that stuff in his Perrier that final night." -- Trip Whiting on the untimely demise of a clean GG Allin

"Merle, no! Merle, no! Merle, noooooo ....." -- Trip Whiting, begging for mercy

[TBSOWFMU - 1/2/07 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters / S&W]

Deerhoof - "The Perfect Me"

( Click here to pre-order Friend Opportunity)

The Leather Uppers - "My Baby"

( Click here to buy Bright Lights)

Beat Beat Beat - "Don't Tell Me Now"

( Click here to buy Living In The Future)

The Clears - "Ties Me Up"

( Click here to buy The Clears)

The Oblivians - "Bad Man"

( Click here to buy Popular Favorites)

Jay Reatard - "It's So Useless"

( Click here to buy the Hammer I Miss You EP)

Live from the gasoline alley behind the meat-packing district, here's the annotated highlights of a closed-phones Tuesday:

Hello, everybody, yeah, puttin' on my Axe body spray with my new turtleneck on, suckin' it off 2007 style. Just takin' the wrapper off the lollipop, ready to suck this recap off. But first, it's time to get up in Omar's New Year's Resolutions:

1. STOP sipping cheap scotch on my dirty linoleum floor.

2. REDUCE the number of times I "try" heroin.

3. BE NICER to gypsies. And Stanley. BUT CONTINUE TO not take any s hit from magicians.

4. SECURE eight-episode series order (animated/live-action satire called Who Framed Roger Ailes) from Comedy Central. CONVINCE Doug Herzog to run the program in six different time slots, preferably post-1 a.m. as a lead-out for, say, PCU airings. GET canceled sans any fanfare + no plans for a DVD release. LEAK entire series + one "bonus episode" (ft. special guests Ken Davitian and Count Chunkula magazine's Henry Owings ... wrestling) to torrents to gain cult fandom among (alt.)comedy nerds/power brokers. NEGOTIATE rerun rights with The Shout! Network. SELL DVD rights to Criterion for $58,500. RECORD commentary tracks with cast members "JT Leroy", Alton Brown, Melanie Hutsell, Troy Renfro, Nick Bakay, Kari Wuhrer, Dave Higgins, Annabelle Gurwitch, and, of course, Judah Friedlander.

5. LISTEN to my dear uncle Udo Erasmus and CONSUME more "essential fatty acids".

(A 6th resolution was fulfilled on 5 January: I finally had that "deep fudge" vinyl siding installed. Thanks, Hal!)

- Dan in San Diego calls (starts at 25:13) to say he's been celebrating a new year of The Best Show by using the 2006 archives as fuel for finishing his doctoral dissertation on the Hepatitis C virus. Dan momentarily morphs into Pudge and calls his work boring, but Tom disputes the dullness. Regardless of its level of intrigue, Dan enjoys hearing all of Tom's zingers while he pours over his research and crafts his thesis. He didn't make any official New Year's Resolutions, but he's trying to behave more like an adult by not spending too much time on video games and maintaining his focus for 2007. Tom will take it, but he also gives Dan permission to have a good ol' time in the hott new arcade section of the FOT site. Stack The Cats!

Dan will defend his dissertation in early February by presenting the final written document and, two weeks later, giving an oral presentation to his thesis committee. During this event, Dan plans to yell at the top of his lungs with a bad Southern accent like Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman. Dan does not confirm or deny that he will fake blindness and stumble into the room. Tom thinks that he might be able to get Chris O'Donnell to attend the defense and enhance the spectacle. As a follow-up to his one-man Roadhouse, Tom is considering performing the entirety of Scent of a Woman on the air. I think Tom could really bring new flavor and nuance to those hearty "hoo-ha"s. I'd also be very interested in his spin on the Gabrielle Anwar character.

Phantom of the Basement: A young Spike dons the mask for the first time as an eager slave hovers in the background

- Spike calls (starts at 28:46) in a voice that doesn't pass Tom's inspection. He immediately detects an alteration that he attributes to the insertion of new bridge. Spike did not get a new bridge, but he does confirm that he had some dental work done a few weeks ago. Tom concludes that he's got a Don Kirshner-like ear for phone calls. Since he's reached the level where he can hear subtle dental differences in Spike's speaking, Tom briefly considers quitting the show. Spike's New Year Resolution is to lose some weight, and he likes Tom's suggestion of a gym membership. Tom hopes he joins because he'd love to see a documentary (let's get Jeff Feuerzeig -- or at least The Long Walk To New York crew -- on this) with footage of Spike in his current girth eating his usual slop, then going to the gym, changing his eating habits, doing one-armed push-ups, and becoming a lean, mean discipline machine. Spike really likes the sound of that and proves it by unveiling his scaaaaaaaaaaary 2007 laugh.

Spike also resolves to move to another basement apartment in a new neighborhood, preferably still in Queens. Unfortunately, Spike does not divulge any details about the problems with his current neighborhood. I imagine the other tenants in his building have lodged many complaints about the excessively loud doo-wop (Frankie Lymon, The Orioles, TV On The Radio) rising from his apartment when he's pulling an all-nighter to finish the copy for his new Masters magazine ad by deadline. I've actually perused a few of these ads, and I found them to be surprisingly well-written. The prose style reminded me of a cross between the gritty rat-a-tat of Jim Ellroy and the Necronomicon. Tom wants to know which burroughs Spike is not permitted to enter, and Spike says that he's allowed in all of them except "Satan Island", his nickname for Staten Island. He's legally permitted to go there, but he chooses to avoid it because there's nothing there for him. In fact, he thinks it could be better used as a penal colony. Spike is unimpressed by Hylan Boulevod, but does take some refuge in their mall. This revelation is at odds with Spike's previous claims that he doesn't do malls of any kind. He says he will occasionally go to them to make specific purchases.

Tom imagines that Spike skulks around the mall wearing a cape and hat like Orson Welles in F For Fake. Spike says he dresses in his normal, everyday clothes, but doesn't elaborate on what makes up his standard wardrobe. Tom can also picture a Phantom of the Opera mask as part of his ensemble, but Spike doesn't wear masks when he goes out in public. Tom wants to know the types of masks police would find if they raided his residence and cataloged all of his gear. Spike claims to own the masks of his slasher heroes -- Chucky, the Jason hockey mask, Michael Myers, Freddy Kreuger, Nurse Sleaze, and Leatherface. Spike says that he wears these masks "once in a blue moon", but only in the darkness of the dungeon. Tom assumes that the guy at the costume shop loves to see Spike ding-a-ling into the store for a guaranteed sale. Spike agrees and says that the clerks don't counsel him against using the masks for ill purposes. Spike tells them what he wants, they get it, they process the transaction, and don't ask questions. Tom declares Spike a professional, and he's certain the costume shop man appreciates his efficiency and focus when shopping for disguises.

President Eightball: 13-year-old Roy, Jr., standing at the Philadelphia summit a few weeks into his "growth-enhancing" regimen

- A caller performs (starts at 34:34) the Rocky theme music and wishes Tom a Happy New Year. Tom guesses that it's Philly Boy Roy since he's been leading off his calls with the same tune for several weeks. PBR doesn't recall his prior on-air renditions. Tom provides a summary of PBR's predicament when we last heard from him two weeks ago. He was behind bars after being arrested for burning down the Ritz 5 theater while match fighting mere hours before the premiere of Rocky Balboa. He used his lone call to provide his promised update on The Best Show and then watched his son, clad in a police uniform complete with badge, hat, and pistol, sell Roxboro marching powder to Officer Harrups. Roy, Jr. then left the police station -- and his father. PBR says that the events were maybe something like that.

Tom is interested to find out how he managed to get out of jail, so PBR tells him the same thing he told KYW news. He first said "Pass, next question", and then explained that it was all a big misunderstanding -- there was no match fight, no nothin'. Tom tries to confirm that none of it actually happened, but PBR wants a definition for "happen". Tom asks him if the match fight took place, but PBR passes and wants to move on to the next question. Tom passes on that because he's not conducting an interview. PBR did get to see Rocky Balboa despite being banned from all local theaters. They all posted a picture of him, so he had to travel to Delaware to see the film. His legendary rambunctious behavior during theatrical screenings (see: the Ziegler clan dancing down the aisles during the "Funk 49" sequence in Invincible this past August) plus the rumor of the match fight proved to be too much for his home state exhibitors. Tom reminds him that he also burned Ol' Winston, the Ritz 5's 80-year-old usher. PBR says that Tom lacks the requisite evidence to prove this charge.

Tom also saw the film, presumably without having to leave New Jersey, so PBR brings up the ending with various everyday slobs recreating Rocky's legendary ascent by runnin' up the steps of the Philadelphia Musuem of Art. PBR says that Roy, Jr. must have ditched school that day because he appears in the montage drinking a 40 oz. Tom points out that he's only 13, but PBR says that they must have thought he was of age because he had a thick mustache going. PBR explains that Roy, Jr. has been taking what he calls "growth enhancers". PBR is scared to do anything about it because Roy Jr.'s 5' 6" frame has blossomed into the buff old body of recent Jack LaLanne. The supplements have somehow aged his body much like Oldzonareveren, the rapid-aging drug that Brendan Fraser took for his role in President Baseball. PBR highly recommends the film, but Tom thinks it sounds too predictable. PBR admits to being kinda wigged out about Roy's Jr.'s chemically-aided transformation.

PBR asks Tom if he remembers the video stimulation sequence in Rocky Balboa. Tom informs him that it's actually a "simulation", and PBR says there's something like that going on down in Philadelphia right now. In the film, ESPN ran "Then and Now", a show featuring simulated matches between fighters from different eras. One of the fontasy bouts put Balboa in his prime against current heavyweight champ, Mason "The Loin" Dixon. WCAU Channel 10 is now running computer stimulations in a contest called "The Battle of the Philadelphians". The winner will be crowned the greatest Philadelphian of all-time. PBR already won his first round match, and Tom wonders how PBR was even one of the contestants. PBR reminds Tom that he's kinda famous down there. Tom thinks he's just a regular guy, and PBR fires up the "what" sireen to express his disagreement. He thinks Tom's kidding because he believes he's a God-in-training, especially after his victory in the annual Running of the Cheesesteaks back in July. In his first-round match, PBR defeated the West Philly serial killer, Joseph (Gary?) Heidnik. Tom's glad he defeated a killer, and PBR says that Heidnik was awful and not a nice guy. PBR explains that in the early rounds of the competition, some of the combatants are simply "famous" Philadelphians, whereas someone like him is part of the "best" category.

PBR warns everybody to look out for his battle against Ben Franklin next week. PBR is very confident that he will beat Franklin, even though he's done a lot of cool stuff over the years. Tom asks PBR if he's helped found any countries. PBR says "not really", which Tom recommends downgrading to a straight "no". PBR touts some of the cool stuff he's done by taking Tom back to 1981. He helped Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt get more serious about his playing during a game against the Cincinnati Reds. PBR "nudged" Schmidt from his seat in the upper deck with a 9-volt battery. It hit the slugger in a place that probably can't be said on the radio, but PBR does it anyway: in the front and below the belt. PBR is taking credit for improving his game because prior to the nudge, Schmidt was dogging it. He was a respectable 1-for-3 with a homer, but it was clear to PBR that his mind was elsewhere. PBR was also on one of his first dates with Rhoda, so he was kinda showboatin' like Purple Shirt on a skating rink. He whipped the battery at Schmidt, and the drunken crowd got really excited about it. Schmidt hit another home run and the Phillies won.

In case Tom doesn't think that was impressive enough to overpower Ben Franklin, PBR says that he also shot the moon at the audience at every Blue Oyster Cult show from 1981-1986. He was hoisted up on stage by his buds and ended up tripping over the monitors four times. PBR is convinced that his antics helped the band play better. When PBR unleashed his final mooning, Buck Dharma's face was in a scowl, but PBR could tell that he was secretly into it. Eric Bloom's face registered more rage, but PBR determined that he was excited by his presence. Tom wonders if PBR is projecting his own feelings onto the band members, but PBR doesn't think so.

Speaking of projecting things, PBR projects a big win for nem Iggles on January 7th. He's certain that they will smear the Giants in the first round of the NFL playoffs. Tom suggests a friendly wager on the game, but PBR does him one better: an unfriendly wager. If nem Iggles win, Tom has to run from Newbridge to Philadelphia, traversing the Italian Market, Center City, and then bound the steps just like Roy, Jr. did. While running, Tom must alternate singing the following three songs:

1. "Gonna Fly Now (Theme From Rocky)"

2. The Hooters' "And We Danced"

3. "Davy Jones' Watercooler", a rare b-side from Drexel Hill's unsung, mid-1980s band, Psychotic Norman

Tom's never heard of this big-time Philadephia song, which PBR can understand because he remembers that Tom is a hopeless Philadummy. If the Iggles lose, PBR will deliver the Liberty Bell to Tom in New Jersey. (Considering PBR's history with sports bets, the chances of him making good on this one are pretty low.) This important symbol of American independence is currently in the Ziegler basement. As of a few days ago, a fake bell resides in its normal resting place. Roy, Jr, picked up the real one the other day at 3 a.m. by enlisting the help of a crane and some policemen. Roy, Jr. has become the leader of the local police force because he's got something on most of them, as well as PBR. While PBR remains a God-in-training, Roy, Jr. has already achieved God status. PBR is scared because if Roy, Jr. catches him on the phone talking about the Liberty Bell with Tom, he vowed to slice his stuff off. Tom says that the threat indicates a very troubling dynamic with his son. PBR hopes his relationship with his son and life in general will get better and allow him to not be so scared. PBR says he will call next week to talk about the bet, and Tom thinks he sounds terrified. PBR signs off with an assessment of his current situation: "I don't like it."

Uh oh. Iggles 23 Giants 20. I guess Tom is gonna run to Philadelphia now. I hope he can hunt down that Psychotic Norman track so he can learn the words.

- Unlike Roy, Jr., 13-year-old Adam from Portland, Oregon, appeared to be completely free of any chemicals and engaged (starts at 52:27) Tom in a pleasant chat. He's not scared of the local street trash, who don't beg him for money, but do play their guitars. Tom tells him to watch out for this scary lot of weirdos. Adam returned to school today, but he failed to honor President Ford. Tom is upset that there was no talk about this American hero. In lieu of any Ford retrospectives, Adam watched his science teacher dissect a real beef heart. Tom thinks that sounds really gross, but Adam thought it was really cool.

Adam's New Year's Resolution is to properly care for the four bonsai he received for Christmas. Tom suspects these were dud gifts given to him by people who were not listening to his actual requests. Tom stresses the importance of writing a list to ensure a good haul and avoid getting miniature trees. Adam pretends that they are actually cool because one of the people who gave him a tree is listening, and he doesn't want to hurt there feelings. Since he's stuck with this little forest, he vows to keep it alive and thriving by doing the requisite trimming and training the trees to do tricks with wire. Tom suggests another potential resolution: don't ask for the trees this year. This young Mr. Miyagi-in-training got into bonsai via his stepdad and is currently the guardian of an 18-year-old tree. Tom found Adam's botanical tale to be very elaborate, very interesting, and very New Year's Resolution-y.

Paradise by the vacuum light: Funnyman Paul F. Tompkins takes down toys ... and illegal immigrants

- The famous (and dandy) comedian Paul F. Tompkins calls (starts at 56:45) to chat about comedy, Congress, Christianity, comics, and ComiX. Tom calls him an Hall of Famer, which PFT likes because while he secretly refers to himself that way, he'd never have the guts to say it out loud. Tom views comedy much like the political scene. If Congress was equated to the comedy world, PFT would be a big shot Senator who was entrusted to chair several key committees. On the other hand, Tom feels that he would be the equivalent of a lowly House member from Hawaii who constantly had his legitimacy questioned by his 434 colleagues. (Tom and PFT both favor extending the current House term of two years to something closer to 10 in order to get more value from their representatives.)

PFT thinks that Tom could become a congressman in the mold of the exciting, charismatic Matt Santos from The West Wing. Like Santos, Tom wouldn't take or give any bull s hit and would set out to shake things up in Washington. In other words, he'd emerge as a populist straight shooter. PFT points out the inherent perils of straight shooting: people think they want a straight shooter, but when they are confronted with one, they initially reject the new gunslinger's accuracy. However, after they experience the straight shooting, they start to admire the skill and embrace the new form as they way things should be. People who are used to the typical beltway insiders often need some crooked shooting to balance things out as they recalibrate their political scopes.

In addition to his fine work in the Senate, Tompkins is beloved by many for his run on the Home Box Office laffer Mr. Show. He delivered Tom's favorite moment on the program during the "Indomitable Spirit" sketch. During a dispute about a former band member's drumming ability, PFT stands up to clarify the situation, but manages to get every fact completely wrong. Tom loves the comedy of someone who attempts to fix something, but ends up making it a little bit worse. PFT touts the related joy of watching stupid people being arrogant about what they refuse to understand. PFT says his time on Mr. Show was so much better than the show he's writing for now. He just got hired as a staff writer for NBS's Friday night sketch/variety show, Studio 60 on the Sunset Trip.

PFT started a few weeks ago because former roomrunners Ricky Tahoe and Ron Oswald bolted to pursue their Peripheral Vision Man pilot with Fox. Ricky and Ron always had a bad relationship with Matt Albie, who started as a writer on the show in 1997. He left to do movies, but returned prior to this season as the executive producer/head writer. While his presence led to a creative and critical renaissance for the show, the friction with Ricky and Ron intensified. PFT doesn't see how the three-minute PVM sketches could be expanded into an ongoing series, but somehow Ricky and Ron made it happen and took the bulk of the writing staff (including Mr. Show's John Ennis!) with them. Only two writers remain: a cute British girl ("green as hell" per PFT) and an African-American man. This former fledgling stand-up comic was plucked from obscurity after Albie and cast member Simon Stiles saw him do a mediocre but inoffensive set at an L.A. comedy cub. While this duo plus PFT seems like a skeleton crew, it's deceptive because Matt can generally write the entire show by himself. Matt and producer/showrunner Danny Tripp also brought in writing consultant Andy Mackinaw, a former writer on the show who is starting to emerge from his depressive funk after his wife and daughter died in a horrific car accident.

PFT technically hasn't gotten any sketches on the air yet, but he's been giving his ideas to Matt, who then crafts them into brilliant sketch comedy. For example, PFT wrote something about a fundamentalist Christian who had his brain implanted into a robot body. Matt turned that nugget into a hilarious, searing indictment of fundamental Christianity. The finished product was 99% Matt; 1% PFT. Matt, an agnostic Jew, has a knack for taking PFT's material in exciting, unexpected directions within the framework of fundamental Christianity. This approach has caused an uproar in the media -- specifically a controversial sketch called "Crazy Christians" -- because Harriet Hayes, the show's star and "News 60" co-anchor, is open about her devout Christianity. Other Albie jabs include the game show parody "Science Schmience" in which religious contestants refuse to accept scientific explanations for natural phenomena. Tom mentions that the show also does some fun parodies like the recurring "The Nicholas Cage Show". PFT says that after all three writers pitch jokes for the Cage pieces, Matt processes them through his comedy filter and writes all of it by himself. Matt also wrote the breakout sketch "Pimp My Trike", but PFT did get a couple of jokes in that one.

I'm hoping that PFT can steer Albie a bit more towards the lighter stuff, which I prefer to the high-brow stuff like the Commedia dell'arte sketches. While I enjoy improvisational 16th-century Italian theater as much as the next person, it doesn't really work in the comedy format. The elaborate period costumes tend to overshadow the writing and the performance by that Hot Girl.

Tom wants to know if PFT favors writing for a particular cast member. PFT especially likes writing for the Chubby Guy Who Does The Characters. He feels bad about forgetting his name because he's so funny. He's particularly adept at screaming and yelling. PFT once tried to write a straight-man role for him, but he was very uncomfortable with it, preferring to escape into the safety of his characters. Tom points out that once you get past "The Big Three" -- Tom Jeter, Harriet Hayes, and Stiles -- there is a big drop-off in terms of screen time and recognition. PFT says that nobody really knows the other cast members' names, which are never said aloud. PFT says that the Hot Girl's name might begin with an "R" and sometimes an Asian Girl will appear in a sketch. The cast is rounded out by the Utility Guy who does Nicolas Cage and other dark-haired impressions like Tom Cruise and Ben Stiller. Tom thinks his limited range might be due to a wig shortage. PFT speculates that the old writing staff may have pilfered the wardrobe department on the way out. After hearing PFT on The Best Show, I think he would be great on some "News 60" segments. Also: I just read the galleys for Confessions of a Network Husband: My Life With Jordan McDeere, the self-published tell-all written by the embattled NBS President's ex-husband. In a nutshell: Jack Rudolph is gonna flip out and the Chinaman will not be pleased either. Total s hitstorm.

Tom promotes PFT's upcoming appearance in a live setting in NYC's mysterious "meat-packing district". He will be headlining stand-up comedy shows at ComiX (pronounced by riding out that "x" for some extra sibilance). PFT is concerned about the venue's logo and says he will head right back to JFK airpot if the C and X do not appear in enlarged font on the club's signage. If they can't produce a simple logo, PFT will know that they are not seriously about making money and probably won't have a mic, seats, or running water inside. Tom wonders if PFT is worried that some people might be confused by the club's name and show up for looking for riffs about "Gasoline Alley". This will not be a problem because PFT covers both traditional stand-up fans and fans of strips like "Mary Worth" by ripping his act fresh from the Sunday funnies. He does Mort Sahlesque routines where he actually takes the comics section of the newspaper on stage and reads "Hi and Lois" to the audience. Once they've digested the strip, PFT will make his own observations about what went went down in the panels. Tom likes this approach because he can't think of anything more fresh-perked than something that requires a date stamp in the corner because it was drawn four months ago. PFT doesn't know how they keep pumping out the great strips, but he thinks the funnies are better now they they've ever been. Tom agrees and thinks it's just a matter of trying to decide which one is the funniest. PFT says it's often an 18-way tie for first with "Drabble", "Mutts", and "The Family Circus" jockeying for the top spot.

Tom hates the blameshifting ghostly imps that appear on "The Family Circus" to mess with the kids. PFT recognizes this as the vengeful spirit "Not Me", which causes some confusion. Tom thought that PFT was making a distinction between himself and the actual cartoon figure, but he was actually pointing out that the ghost in question has "Not Me" written on its torso. Tom was also thrown by the sound of tumbling dice in the background. This was the rumble of the dice game that PFT hosts very Tuesday in his living room. He wishes that Tom would come to L.A. on a Tuesday because he loves to shoot dice with his neighborhood pals. In addition to the thrill of gambling, PFT uses the games as a community outreach program since it's better than people going out and doing rails, smashing car windows, or stealing apples. PFT will buzz anyone up because he can sense that it's the guys from what he jokingly refers to as his "Dice League".

Tom thinks it's possibly that the ComiX crowd will be full of guys with bloody, meat-stained clothes. PFT says everyone is welcome in any attire as long as they fulfill the two-drink minimum. Paul uses some industry lingo to say that he'll be performing "Thursday through Saturday", so Tom clarifies that he will be doing shows on Thursday, Friday, and then Saturday. Tom explains that sometimes he has to back things up a bit so people like Spike can follow along. PFT gives Spike some props for his casual comedy drop-ins like tonight's "Satan Island". He thinks this is the hallmark of a good performer. PFT is particularly fond of the Spike's use of "Snoop Kitty Kat" when referring to Snoop Dogg. This one is a bit more of a slow-burn, and it took some time for PFT to fully appreciate its cleverness. PFT thinks Spike may oversell "Séance", peeling back the craftsmanship a bit too much with the "or whatever she's called" addendum.

Pyromania: An unknown matchfighter demonstrates a trick move that is sure to revolutionize the sport on both coasts

- PBR returns (starts at 1:14) with a question for PFT: "Pat's or Geno's?" PFT doesn't seem that happy to hear the voice of this blast from the past because he moved to L.A. and tried to leave his old life behind. PBR urges PFT not to deny his Philadelphia roots, but PFT is proud to say that he grew up in the suburb of Mount Airy, which is between Chestnut Hill and Germantown. PBR seems impressed and says he's never even been there. He's only heard tale of it. Tom thinks PBR is using phrasing like some weird, old guy, but PBR says he's just cultured. He doesn't like the notion that you can't be cultured if you hail from Roxboro.

Speaking of culture, PFT is glad that PBR called because he was excited to take his girlfriend on her first trip to Philadelphia for the Rocky Balboa premiere. He bought a first-class ticket, and they planned to see the film on Christmas. However, when they arrived, they were told that the Ritz 5 burned to the ground. PBR says he heard about that, too. PFT heard about it on The Best Show. Tom tells PBR that he's the one who burned it down, but PBR says Tom can't prove that no more. PFT thinks this is classic Roy Ziegler and dredges up some old truths about PBR's woeful match fighting skills. In fact, PFT declares PBR the worst match fighter in the world. PBR says he defeated PFT once, but that was because he used a long fireplace match that did not meet regulation. Tom is still skeptical about the legitimacy of match fighting because he sees none of it in Newbridge. PFT confirms that it's huge in Philly, where there are actual leagues. PFT took the sport to L.A., and PBR wants to know if it's taken off like "wildfire". PFT admits that PBR pulled a good one from his canister of quips and snaps.

PFT says it's going well. He's had match fights with celebrities like Mickey Rourke, the late Robert Reed, and, most recently, half the cast of The O.C. Rachel Bilson won. PFT says he does things like match fights to shine the spotlight on his hometown's cultural offerings. PBR wants him to continue in this tradition by bringing him out for some screen tests. PFT is a bit concerned about PBR's potential behavior, and his place may not be big enough for a guest. PBR says PFT has to put him up because he did it for PFT for a couple of months back in 1992. PFT wants to know why money disappeared from his wallet every night during his stay. PBR explains this phenomenon by citing Roy, Jr's law: "When the pants hit the floor for longer than five minutes, then anything goes." (Kind of a domestic variant on Mr. Coatcheck's finders-keepers policy.)

PFT points out that this law was passed shortly after Roy, Jr. tried to blame the heists on sleepwalking. At this time, Roy, Jr. was only one, but PBR was already under his spell and would rob people on his command. Paul says he had never seen a one-year-old display such pure evil in its eyes. PBR thinks the devilish glint was pretty impressive, and Paul agrees. PBR is very proud of Paul and looks forward to landing a spot on Studio 60. Paul holds an impromptu audition to assess PBR's character work. PBR leads with a New York accent: "Hey, youse guys. Youse wanna go over and see the Mets play? Let's jump on the subway." PFT erupts in laughter; he and Tom both think it's dead-on. Next up is John Wayne: "Hey, youse guys. Who stole my horse?" PFT loves it, but as perfect as it was, he wants to hear some more current celebrities. PBR offers an impression of the British comic actor Monty Python: "You must get a shrubbery, youse guys, or you don't get to come back here no more." PBR scores again. PFT says that if he can videotape these performances and send it to him, he will give it to Albie and Tripp tonight. PBR will upload it to YouseTube. PBR has to run so he can have Roy, Jr. get him a video camera somehow. PFT doesn't want to know the details of the transaction. PBR tells PFT that he'll see him next week and signs off by needling Tom with the impersonal, passive-aggressive "Goodbye, host."

PFT feels bad for people who will miss the shows at ComiX and teases some of his intended topics: toppling the mighty, dressing down organized religion, things he's overheard on the street, and new fathers. Tom once saw PFT do a 15-minute rant on Gerald Ford, but it's been retired after 10 years. It always killed because when Ford was alive, everyone hated him. Six months ago, audience members were calling for PFT to take that dude down, but now that he's dead, people think history proved that he healed the nation after the Watergate debacle. PFT used to encourage that kind of audience participation ("Tackle that subject, Paul!" was another common cry) to create a Baptist revival church atmosphere, but now PFT prefers a nice balance with him talking and the audience listening to him. Tom points out that this makes sense because his name is on the marquee. PFT says that the live mic and spotlight also make it seem reasonable for him to be the one speaking. Tom also cites the fact that PFT is generally the only person without a chair, which further aids stand-up comedy.

Tom wants to hear about PFT's worst heckler. PFT says a guy once yelled, "You stink." PFT threw a "You stink" back at him. The guy then said that he was going to seduce PFT's mother and break up his parents' marriage. Paul was skeptical because his parents had been happily married for 50 years, but the guy did it. He got him. Tom says he might move that out of the heckler category, but PFT keeps it there because there's no comeback for his accomplishment and he got the audience on his side. The heckler got the names and e-mail addresses of everyone in the crowd that night and sent them updates on his seduction. They all sent PFT e-mails informing him that the heckler was living with his mother and his father moved out to become a drunk. Despite the end result, Paul admires the skill of the heckler. He came to play.

Tom is relieved that he only has to deal with the guy pretending to be a disciplinarian. PFT wonders if Spike is really pretending, but Tom is pretty sure that he's weaving fontasies within an alternate life where he gets to control people after coming home from his menial his government job. He fleshes out his fictional world while he sits in his basement apartment with a moist ceiling because his upstairs neighbor's tub overflowed. His furniture consists of a little table that he found on his street and an orange crate in front of a big radio and a television with rabbit ears or, perhaps, stolen cable. Faced with this dreary reality, Spike's left with no alternative but to create a fontasyland where he has power over people. PFT thinks this almost sounded bleak, but it was rescued by the possibility that Spike would be technologically savvy enough to run a splitter through his three-panel basement window. PFT wants to believe that he's more like a Batman of the bondage world -- government worker by day, but an actual dominator by night. The Droopy Dog lilt gives way to a more stentorian voice, and Spike wears a cool PotO-style mask so nobody will ever know that he works in the shipping/receiving department. PFT compares this to a scenario in which a supervillain like Ra's al Ghul spent his days stamping things and nobody took him seriously. Tom needs to chew on it a bit more.

Tom wonders why Spike wouldn't just go full-time on the night gig, but PFT points out that the wealthy Batman still clings to the Bruce Wayne alter-ego even though it's just a constant inconvenience. If Tom got superpowers, he would, of course, be Tom Scharpling, Superhero. Everyone would know who he was, where he lived, and what he did. His friends and family would be on their own, because they should have known what was going down when that truck pulled up and poured those weird chemicals on him. In this dynamic, the regular people are forced to cloak themselves in secret identities because they are associated with a visible superhero. Tom doesn't think getting a P.O. Box for mail delivery and paying bills online is that hard considering he's going around saving people. Tom didn't mention it in the segment, but he's previously said that his outfit would be a finely-tailored suit as an homage to PFT's sartorial splendor. PFT totally supports the scheme and thinks Tom should give it to the guys at Marvel and DC. (I think this would be right up Stan Lee's alley, although the new issue of The Comics Journal reports that he's currently tied up with Timmy von Trimble's "Mega-Man" comic.)

Tom also had an idea for a comic starring anti-superhero comic scribe Harvey Pekar. In a twist worthy of O. Henry, Pekar would be cursed with superpowers, forcing him out of his mundane, Midwestern existence. Tom's inspiration came from reading the dull new issues of "American Splendor", which are clear evidence that Pekar's story ideas have completely dried up. One issue focused on his trip to the store to buy cookies for his wife, Joyce. He decided give the oatmeal ones a try. The end. In the past, Pekar could draw material from his job and quirky co-workers, but now he's writing about the life of a guy who writes about his life. PFT wants to know how he liked the oatmeal cookies, but this was a cliffhanger for the next issue. Tom also read a story about Pekar's sleeping difficulties. He kept waking up, but then the cat came in the room and slept on his chest. It helped him relax and then he took his meds. The end. Tom paid $3 for the book, but wants $4 for reading its contents. PFT gives Tom the idea of doing doing FDR-style Fireside Chats with new issues of "American Splendor". He wants Tom to throw down the gauntlet to Pekar and inspire him to step it up. Tom's ultimate goal is to infuriate Pekar to the point where he drives from Cleveland on a Sunday night and meets him for an on-air fight on Tuesday. PFT thinks he might still be weak from cancer treatments, but according to one of the boring stories Tom read, he's healthy again.

One epic tale involved Pekar desperately trying to get pizzaid by The New York Times for a story he did. After eight pages and back-and-forth, the artist on the piece called him to say he accidentally got paid double. He called it even because Pekar owed him for some previous illustration. The end. PFT and Tom lament that the glorious union of storytelling and visuals has, in this case, regressed to where an artist has to come up with a visually arresting way to present a bridge troll prowling for cookies in aisle 8 of Safeway. While Pekar was an influential figure in the comics world, Tom thinks it might be time for him to exit the stage a la Rocky Balboa. PFT has a fontasy comic where Pekar in his prime and circa-now Warren Ellis have to tell stories in five minutes. Tom says it's kind of like a computer stimulation, and it reminds him of his favorite movie line of 2006: "That computer simulation's got people talking.", fromRocky Balboa. Tom points out that the show would air at 2 p.m. on ESPN (my guess is that it would run on "The Ocho") and pull in 75,000 viewers if it was broadcast in the real world.

Tom tells PFT it was a joy having him on the program, and PFT returns the favor by saying it was a treat to be on the air because The Best Show gives him multi-platform laffs at home, at the gymnasium, and in the car.
Tom declares PFT the #1 comic in the game in an attempt to recapture the spirit of "The Sammy Maudlin Show". PFT thinks that Joe Flaherty should launch TSMS as a real show and help Eugene Levy break free from the straight-to-video American Pie racket. Tom remembers hearing that Levy had to be wooed to appear in the first American Pie film, but now he's actually suggesting the DVD sequels. PFT and Tom conclude that Levy probably feels like he took his lumps with the $900/week gig on SCTV, so it's his turn to cash in with American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile without any fear that it will appear on his tombstone. He's already done his life's work and can rest comfortably in the Hall of Fame.

PFT will listen to this installment of The Best Show at the gym and laugh out loud at himself. His presence might even spur him to go one extra mile on the elliptical machine ("Just feet this time -- no arms!").

- "Roy, Jr." calls (starts at 1:43) to submit his New Year's Resolution, but Tom gives this Undergroundling mutant the option to hang up with his dignity intact. He chooses to tempt fate by saying he wants to quit drinking in 2007, so Tom GOMPs him. Tom hopes he was calling long distance on a pricey plan because he was on hold for an hour and deserves to pay $26 for the disgusting travesty.

- A mystery guest wearing a big furry coat delivers (starts at 1:58) a Christmas holiday present for Tom from the FOT Chat. He's a bit scared to open it because he's forsaken the Chat. Tom suspects it might be a five-pound Hershey's bar, but it's a sound effects machine that will allow the show to achieve the magic of Jim Cramer's Mad Money. Tom doesn't like it. He loves it and fears that he may cry on the air. (He doesn't.) Tom will bring a 9-volt battry next week to nudge the show into full-on auditory glory.

Tom also got a package from the guys from Goshen who tormented the show this past summer. It contained a t-shirt that says I ♥ Goshen and a note declaring that the war is over. Winner: The Best Show. Tom did not send any I ♥ The Best Show clothing up to Goshen.

This Coke is Blãknot: Tom hopes to educate the American people for make glorious benefit to this beverage's longevity

- Tom reveals (starts at 2:11) his New Year's Resolution: he will redouble his efforts to keep Coke Blak on the shelves. The effervescent coffee drink spoke to Tom at first taste, but he's under the impression that it's a total flop because it's nowhere to be found. Tom passed by a Beverage Center with cases of drinks stacked to the sky. He drove in and asked the guy for some Coke Blãk, but they got rid of it due to poor sales. Tom didn't enjoy being made to feel like a pariah for wanting an energy burst before his show. Tom think that America is wrong about this drink. Tom think his pre-show Coke Blãk consumption is responsible for the W-in-progress, while the "L"s are Coke Blãk-free programs. Tom wants everyone to get on board and rally Coke Blãk to a retail comeback. While Tom doesn't usually traffic in social issues, but he finally found a cause. Mike the Associate Producer has no interest in joining the crusade. Tom points out that the drink is flexible because as long as you like coffee or soda, you'll love it.

Speaking of coffee, Tom calls upon Henry Rollins' Smile, You're Traveling (Black Coffee Blues, Part III) for some wisdom for the final stretch of the show. Tom finds the strength he craves:

"Either you break it, or it breaks you. It's one or the other, so you deal with it. Either the audience owns you or you own them. I trust the road because it will never be my good friend. It's always there, but it will kill you if you stay on it long enough, and it will not care. It never says it likes you. It always says it will be there, but doesn't exactly take out ads proclaiming its sincere intentions on your behalf. It just waits for you to take your shot and expire en route."

- Mark, a recent convert to The Best Show, calls (starts at 2:07) to report some weird weather patterns in the 416. He suffered through an unseasonably damp and miserable Christmas and New Year's without any snow. Mark claims that 9 degrees Celsuis (48 F) reminds him of the winters he spent in Monroe, LA. Tom calls him on trying to be a weisenheimer by bending the Lousiana climate to fit his needs. In this case, Mark is following in the tradition of Toronto-based humorist like Dan Akaroyd and Mike Myers.

Mark started digging through the archives like gangbusters last week, and he wonders why more people don't call the show. He found the process of very easy. Tom puts the question to the audience and wonders what it's like to get called out by a Canadian. While The Best Show is done for worldwide consumption, Tom would like Americans to have a sense of nationalistic pride about their homegrown radio. In other words, he wants Americans to feel the same way aboot this show as Mark would feel about Hart of the Annex, Prank Patrol, Danger Bay, or that series about a seven-year-old adventurer. Mark says that the long-running Trailer Park Boys may finally be headed down the turlet after the movie flopped during its limited run in seven theaters. Tom tries to enrage Mark by suggesting that Canada only had 50 theaters, but Mark puts the actual figure at closer to three dozen. Mark says that Canada's size is deceiving because while it looks huge on a map, it's population is only dense on the tiny strip along the U.S. border. Mark says this is a tactical initiative to prevent the Bush adminstration from storming into the country to take over the Alberta oil sands. Tom tells him that Bush is his guy, but Mark thinks there's an element of irony to Tom's fandom. Tom GOMPs the foreigner for throwing his buddy under the bus.

- Laurie from Miami calls (starts at 2:12) to find out if the ban is lifted. Tom's confused and thinks she's referring to The Band. He's not a fan. Laurie was actually referring to her b-a-nishment from the program last month after she prematurely declared an "L" on the FOT Chat. Tom says that it was not a binding edict since previous bans against Spike and Petey never stuck. Laurie's been listening to vintage Petey calls in the archives and wants to know what happened to him. She longs for a return to the cute, 11-year-old Petey. Tom says that Petey is passing through what Johnny Carson called "pooberty". Tom is unphased by the growing pains and selects Petey2007 as his favorite Petey era. Tom thinks he's a talented young man who consistently delivers. In six years, Tom predicts that Petey will either employ him or kill him. Tom hopes that if he gets in Petey's good graces, he can beg for mercy and only get shot in the thigh.

Laurie decides to end the call because she's on a cordless phone. Tom is shocked because the crystal clear connection made him think that Laurie was joining him in the studio. Laurie jokingly suggests she was using Skype, but she was really calling via Working Assets, a hippy long-distance carrier that donates all their money to Planned Parenthood and LifeChanges. They are based out of a lean-to in the woods behind the old Lady Foot Locker at Newbridge Commons. Mike the Associate Producer brags about using Vonage, but Tom says his connection sounds like he's in the Carlsbad Caves. Laurie's New Year's Resolution is never condemn The Best Show before it's over. Tom says it was like getting stabbed ("Et tu, Laurie?"), but he forgives the transgression.

- Christina (Yes?) calls (starts at 2:16) from the hipster enclave of Silver Lake L.A.'s gritty Echo Park to give Tom some advice on his quest for Coke Blãk. Christina thinks that one of Tom's New Year's Resolutions should be to get into creative visualizations. For example, whenever Tom desires this elusive elixir, he should simply imagine it being in readily and abundantly available. Tom GOMPs her for the remote viewing crazy talk.

- Sean from Los Feliz calls (starts the 2:18) to trash (not really) West Hollywood. Tom rolls in WeHo when he's in the L.A. area. He's a fan of the Mexican eatery Paquito Mass, Carney's Restaurant, The Roxy, and Book Soup. Sean's New Year's Resolution is to not miss as many movies in the theater. He had the day off, so he saw Casino Royale. Since Tom is a noted Audioslave enthusiast, Sean wanted to get his take on Chris Cornell's theme song. Tom was very excited that he was doing it and thought it was the best James Bond theme of all-time. Tom's glad it was just solo Cornell because a full rock band always fails to successfully pull off the theme. Tom cites Devo's terrible theme for Moonraker and Animotion's disastrous work on The Living Daylights. Sean says that A-ha actually did the theme for that film. I think Tom is right. Tom also gives the thumbs down to Duran Duran's "A View To A Kill".

Sean's favorite part of the new Bond film was that the titular hero spent half the film text messaging people. He expected to see the baddies transferring money via Paypal. Tom enjoyed watching two full days of poker in real time complete with commentary from the Italian Dave Foley. While Tom likes Daniel Craig's tough-guy approach to the role , his hero is the Queen. He predicts that she will become a hip-hop icon for running things like Tony Montana in Scarface. In addtional to being more polite, the Queen has the advantage of having survived her cinematic story.

-Trip Whiting calls (starts at 2:23) to get Tom's help on a business venture he's undertaking. He got the number from a former friend named Keith Garfinkle, the slapfighting blackmailer who called The Best Show last April. Trip was also Garfinkle's teammate on the Newbridge Redfaces. They had a falling out after Trip got him a kid's dictionary for Christmas. While it was intended as a good-natured joke about his eccentric lexicon, Garfinkle took it the wrong way and had Trip's mail delivery suspended via his uncle, Postmaster General Edmond T. Garfinkle. Tom recalls that he was talking like Norm Crosby and Trip gives examples of an angry Garfinkle threatening to make someone "persona au gratin" or slap them in the "corroded artery".

Before they parted ways, Keith told Trip to contact Tom about his intention to celebrate the life and music of the outrageous, cutting edge singer, Kevin Allin. While Tom is not necessary a fan of GG Allin, he's always viewed him as a curiosity. Trip doesn't want to toot his own horn, but he says that he made a large fortune in the computer world by inventing pop-up advertisements. Tom defines these as the annoying things that ruin being on the Internet, but Trip thinks they are very informative. Without pop-ups, he doesn't know how people would know about fine Kern Pharmaceuticals products like Peniscillin and She Sleeps Now. Trip was a consultant to Kern on the launch of both drugs. The latter is a female sleep-aid that is popular with fraternities. Tom's horrified by what appears to be another form of Rohypnol. Trip disputes the comparison.

Trip has always wanted to be involved with the arts, so he plans to do for GG Allin what Gene Simmons has done for Kiss. By ripping pages from Simmons's marketing playbook, Trip hopes to create "Planet GG" by 2008. Tom is terrified by the inconvenient truth of the Earth getting covered in GG. Trip has secured the rights to use his likeness, his story, and most of his music so he can start BRANDING a line of GG-related merchandise. The first item on the platter is a duets album in the spirit of the posthumous collaborations of Hank Williams Jr./Sr. and Natalie/Nat King Cole. For this record, contemporary singers will join GG on some of his classic tunes. The lineup currently includes Avril Lavigne doing "Dope Money" and Death Cab For Cutie frontman Gibb Benson on a great version of "Eat My Leftovers". Tom points out that the name of the singer is Ben Gibbard. Trip says his assistant, Rick, gave him the wrong name. The most amazing track is a duet between GG and Hank Williams, Sr. on "Scars On My Body, Scabs On My ----". Since both performers have passed on, they took GG's original vocal and ProTooled the s out of 34 Hank Williams, Sr. songs to sculpt the syllables required to get to the correct lyrics. Tom thinks this sounds more like a computer stimulation than an actual duet. Trip promises that fans of the original will flip for the new version.

Trip is also hoping to do one of those Broadway singing and dancing things -- commonly referred to as "musicals" -- in the vein of the hit show "High Fidelity". Trip was unable to get tickets to see it or even reach anyone at the box office, but Tom says that's probably because it closed. Trip would love to get Twilight Tharp involved in the musical because his choreography would work well with GG's music. Trip's assistant flubbed another name, so Tom points out that it's actually Twyla Tharp, who's a chick. Given this information, Trip requests a .jpg of Tharp because he could use the companionship of a dancer while he deals with his divorce. Tom refuses to send him an image of someone he thought was a guy named Twilight. Trip is not much of a choreographer, although he used to do some "locking" like ReRun on What's Happening!!!. He can see the dances in his mind for tracks like "I Wanna Kill You", but he can't articulate them. He hopes to close the show with "Last In Line For The Gangbang".

Trip thinks Tom will be even more thrilled with his plans for American Scum Rocker, a GG-inspired reality show that's like American Idol and America's Next Top Model ratcheted up to 13. The producers will find 10 people from every walk of life and try to mold them into the raunchiest rocker imaginable. Weekly challenges would involve learning how to shoot stuff out of certain places, smearing competitions, and a flinging contest. The judging panel will feature America's top videographer, Joe Francis, Merle Allin, Scott Ian, Donald Most, Reggie Jackson, and the immortal pornographer John E. Cash. Tom understandably thought Trip was referring to The Man In Black, so he points out that Cash had passed on. Trip calls Tom an idiot because he had had lunch with Cash earlier in the day. In addition to being a pornographer, JEC is wanted for committing a "veritable potpourri" of very serious crimes all across America. Trip says that he's avoided jail by wearing a mask and then cloaking his entire body in a burlap sack when committing his crimes. Since his body type is not known, he could easily be mistaken for a dog or even a beanbag chair. Tom confirms that JEC admits to his crimes in general, but will not own up to any specific acts. On American Scum Rocker, he will wear a different disguise each week so viewers may not even know if he's human. Tom doesn't like or love this show.

Donald Trump is on board with the entire GG concept and plans to build Allin Towers, 212-story skyscrapers topped with a crystal dome in the shape of GG's shaved head with his tattoos, just outside of Newbridge. Tom doesn't like the idea of his fairly small town housing one of the tallest buildings ever constructed, and he's especially not looking forward to one that's a tribute to GG Allin. However, Trip thinks Tom will be looking forward to the GG Allin slot machines that will be going into Quickie Mart and many other locations in about six months. Trip says the machine looks just like GG's body and wants Tom to guess where the winner's money comes out. Tom doesn't want to know. He also declines to find out the color of the money. GG will also get into the food business with GG's Frozen Custard chain, which sounds like a good companion store for The Fudge Tub at Newbridge Commons. The eatery will only offer one flavor. Tom can guess it, but he doesn't want to say it.

Trip doesn't think Tom could have guessed that before he passed on, GG was poised to become to become a very successful motivational speaker. He was a student of Tony Robbins, who was grooming his prized pupil to take over his whole business. Trip says that before he passed on, he was working under-the-radar on a series of seminars. Tom's had enough of the phrase "passed on", which makes it sound like GG gently drifted away from old age. Tripp admits that it wasn't exactly like that. In fact, GG died from a heroin overdose at a friend's dwelling in Manhattan after running naked from police after his aborted final concert at The Gas Station. Trip says that GG decided to leave the rock game, but he donned the jockstrap and the cowboy boots one last time as a favor to his dear brother, Merle.

GG had just finished his first motivational book called Power Achieving and was working the kinks out of his seminars by doing some test runs in Western Maine. Tripp says the seminar was well received and promised to turn participants into the next Warren Buffet, one of the richest guys on Earth. Trip mispronounces the last name as "Buffay", so Tom corrects him. Tripp challenges it because he's not talking about the guy who did "Margaritaville". Tom says it's not Jimmy Buffet, but Trip doesn't know who that is -- he was thinking of Elvin Bishop. Trip loves the Bishop-penned 1976 hit "Fooled Around and Fell in Love" and plans to download it later tonight. Tom notices a marked difference between Bishop and the tuneless gutter stomp of GG Allin. Trip prefers to think of GG's songs like "I Wanna F Myself" as "good time music". Trip says it's a shame that someone slipped him that stuff in his Perrier that final night because he had been clean for two years.

(CLICK for FULL CREDITS)

Tom doesn't believe it, but the poisoning theory will be floated in the biopic Drink, Fight, and F***: The GG Allin Story. Trip wants Tom to do a punch-up on the screenplay which documents his early days in New Hampshire though his tragic end in Manhattan. They have the whole story, but Trip thinks the dialogue needs some pizzaz. He'd like to tell Tom about one of the storylines, but he asks to be POT'd down because the summary may not be suitable for broadcast. He was right. Trip comes back and explains that the film will be a Hard R, but Tom doesn't think they can avoid an X. Trip thinks it can be done if it's tastefully shot. In another section of the film, GG gets arrested in Michigan and there's an incredible series of jail scenes, which Trip explains to Tom off the air. Tom concludes that it's the filthiest thing he's ever heard and cannot be done tastefully.

Trip tries to sell Tom on the DFF script and the entire GG enterprise with an incredibly moving sequence when he gets released from jail. On a dreary, Michigan morning, GG is met at the gate by the only person he could ever count on: Merle. The remainder of the scene requires Tom to POT Trip down again. Tom wasn't moved -- he was disgusted. Trip points out that most of the act is implied, but Tom doesn't care. No sale. Trip says the trick will be figuring out a way around what they actually fling. Tom is shocked that he's even trying to get the movie made. Trip is certain it will be greenlit with either Jake Gyllenhaal or Will Smith in the lead role. Tom would pay to see Will Smith take on the challenge of becoming GG Allin. Trip can't wait to see him slip into the jock and boots during his audition. While Tom definitely wants to see it out of perverse curiosity, he definitely doesn't want to write it. However, Trip already has Tom listed as a credited screenwriter on the film's IMDb page and e-mailed Variety and The Hollywood Reporter with the official press release ("Scharpling to pen Allen biopic").

Tom refuses to get on board, so Trip assumes that he wants a late-night visit from all the surviving members of The Murder Junkies and The Texas Ns. Trip will be joining them because he was made an honorary member of both bands. (They gave him a jacket.) Despite his association with them, Trip would much rather listen to Elvin Bishop and retracts his earlier defense of their music. He actually hates it. Tom guesses that Trip is probably in a little over his head because he saw an opportunity to make some quick money and didn't realize that the guys were legitimately crazy. Check and CHECK. Tom also assumes that he thought it was some kind of Marilyn Manson/Alice Cooper routine. Trip didn't even think it was that extreme because he was expecting something closer to Blink 182. Tom also notes the problematic scenario where these lunatics think they will become wealthy and have all of Trip's personal contact information. Trip says he left out one thing: they are currently living in his guest house. And when he says his "guest house", he's actually referring to his basement. Trip used to have a family, but they left after the band members moved in. Trip suspects that the guy who played drums naked for the Murder Junkies killed his girlfriend, Regina, and his pet ferret, El Diablo. Trip has to hang up because Merle was leading some kind of attack against him. Tom chalks it up to Braffian karma.

Elvin Bishop - "Fooled Around and Fell In Love"

- Petey calls (starts at 2:56) in a state of arrested development, and Tom grants him permission to do a running commentary during the music sets on the Evan "Funk" Davies show. Tom makes Petey apologize for not knowing who Evan is.

- A caller asks (starts at 2:57) Tom to provide a name for a fictional 1970s arena-rock band. His choice: Tune In Next Week And Find Out.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Spike weighs in on some exciting DVD news, Philly Boy Roy calls from the set of Studio 60 to debut his Donald Trump impression ("Hey, youse guys. Rosie don't talk to me like that. I talk to Rosie like that."), and Trey Anastasio tells the harrowing tale of how Werner and Rutager got him hooked on health tabs.

You can't stop The Queen. You can't stop The Kid. You can't stop The Best Show. As Rollins might say: GET IN THE RANGE ROVER!

Dear Best Show,

Thanks for having Paul F. Tompkins on your radio program. I like that guy!

Posted by Omar at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments

I can't listen to STREAMS. Horrible. Streams are completely useless when I'm trying to use my device (acrylic push-button model) in the car. So here's last Thursday's Fresh Air with Sacha Baron Cohen in mp3 format.

Posted by x amount at 9:39 PM | Permalink | Comments

Michael Showalter's back is capable of many things.

Posted by x amount at 3:49 PM | Permalink | Comments

Wood Harris: not that into it.

Posted by x amount at 1:26 PM | Permalink | Comments

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Posted by mixednut at 3:48 PM | Permalink | Comments

I noticed that a lot of the popular music weblogs are posting speculation on the lineup for the 2007 SXSW festival. Apparently, an "official" festival update cites 14 confirmed bands, including -- get this -- The Stooges. This is obviously some kind of prank. They broke up in 1974. What's next? White Zombie and that dog reuniting for Bonnaroo? Odd that so many people fell for this. It's kind of like when The New York Times published that Sub Pop gal's "grunge speak".

Anyway, my sources say that, as of now, only ONE band has been officially confirmed. Here are four hints: Marq Torien. Lonnie Vencent. Mick Sweda. Jimmy D'Anda. That's right. All four original members. See you cob nobblers at Stubb's in March.

Posted by Omar at 6:22 PM | Permalink | Comments

Fill1965: hey every1! r u having fun?
x amount: cool
Fill1965: wazup x amount? do you hav a boyfriend?
x amount: cool
Fill1965: how old r u?
x amount: Cheetahlicious

Posted by x amount at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments

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Posted by Omar at 9:52 PM | Permalink | Comments

[via PO on the Joke Warehouse message board]

Posted by Omar at 4:14 PM | Permalink | Comments

Regina Spektor - "Consequence of Sounds"

( Click here to buy Songs)

Regina Spektor - "Düsseldorf"

( Click here to buy the Limited Edition Begin To Hope)

Regina Spektor - "Little Boxes" (from the television program Weeds)

Did Begin To Hope hold on to x amount's top spot? Late surge from Mr. Lindsey? I also know that he got really into My Chemical Romance after seeing them on SNL, so who knows!

Posted by Omar at 8:04 PM | Permalink | Comments

Skillz - "The Rap Up 2006"

Posted by x amount at 12:40 PM | Permalink | Comments