Recap: Cultural Learnings of The Best Show for Make Benefit Glorious Town of Newbridge.
"I don't have the Fred file tattooed on my eyelids." -- Tom, on his lack of Fred trivia body art
"We're gonna shut this film down." -- Tom, vowing to help his frat brothers wage war against Borat
"Wait, how did you just do that? Did you just play some W.C. Field or something?" -- Tom, wondering how Spike did a dead-on impression of his child-hating hero
"Cold cereal’s not my thing." -- Spike, adding another item to his Don't Do List
"Put your thinking cap on, Ad man, and earn it back." -- Tom, demanding that No Smoke dig deep to regain his respect
"He would clean up down there." -- Tom on Zeph's political prospects in the state of Virginia
"You won’t get any suicide threats over the air anymore." -- Sathington on his newfound emotional stablity
"They owe me a $1. That dump." -- Tom, requesting a refund for having his karaoke rendition of "Cruel To Be Kind" marred by technical difficulties
"You better eat it before he gets the munchies." -- Tom, telling Pothead Dan's mom she needs to get moving on her mint chip ice cream
"It was just hideous." -- August on his last-minute attempt to craft a vampire costume for Halloween
"I'm sorry, Tom." -- August, apologizing for his failure to attempt a sick voice
"Oh, man, that’s crippler." -- Bryce, performing his civic duty by bonging out with his dwindling stash
"Every vote counts -- I made mine count." -- Bryce on his unregistered, write-in vote for "Sugar Magnolia"
"It felt like Jerry's hand came through the TV and was starting to strangle me." -- Bryce on the experience of watching the "Touch Of Grey" video while on acid
"What is this show?" -- Mary B, trying to figure it out
"These weirdos are pretty sticky." -- Tom, warning Mary B about her new followers
"All politics is nonsense. All politics is fake. All politics is pretend. All politics is make believe." - Mary B on the lies of our leaders
"Why am I so boring? I get more boring every week." -- Petey, managing to get a bit exciting by talking about being boring
"One guy looks like he's bowling for more than soup." -- Tom on what may be the heaviest band in the world
"We’re no longer living in a pre-Geeeep world." -- Tristan, on the new AG era for The Best Show
Chainsaw Kittens - "Sore On The Floor"
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The Wipers - "Mystery"
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Clinic - "Tusk"
Volcano Suns - "Courageous Stunts"
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DUSTdevils - "Receiver" (from the Extant EP)
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Jay Reatard - "Blood Visions"
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Jagshemash. Here are the annotated highlights of a show that was tight like a man's anoose:
- Fred from Queens sneaks into (starts at 22:41) the first slot and makes Tom long for the sound of Spike’s greeting. Fred is back from a hot(t) trip to Israel, and he thought Tom would be happy to hear his voice after an extended hiatus. He thought wrong. He’s surprised that Tom didn’t remember that he was visiting his moms, but Tom informs him that his file is not tattooed on his eyelids for easy reference. Mike asked Fred if he voted, but he was not aware of any election going down. Tom’s not really sure what was going on, either, but “they” told him which line to vote on so he did not have to read the names. After the Democrats crushed the Republicans like Stalin and TOOK POWER in Congress, I wonder if The Kid feels liberated like his buddy Rush Limbaugh? Will Tom still carry the water for his right-wing masters now that Bush is lame like duck? A bit later in the show, Tom said he had been reading about how Bush is not that popular and many Republican candidates tried to distance themselves from his administration. Tom liked him, then he really liked, then he loved him, then gas got expensive, and he hated him. Then gas got cheap, and he liked him again. But now all these other people don’t like him, so he doesn’t like him as much anymore.
Fred wants to know if the TV talks to Tom and if he has magical powers. Tom absolutely does not converse with his teevee, but he does have one magical power. Fred begins trembling with fear that this power will involve his dismissal, but Tom says it's his ability to bring joy to people. Fred was certain it was something else and his fears are realized when Tom cuts him off mid-sentence. Tom laughs at his expert display of his additional powers to deceive and make people disappear. Fred gave Tom a fungo bat, set a ball on the tee, and ran to the outfield to await the high-fly. Tom had no choice but to swing away.
Time Out New York: Bill O'Reilly is a lean, mean prostitute-recommending machine
- Tom discusses (starts 26:05) his trip to the movie theater to see a new moviefilm called Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. The theater was crowded, so Tom had to shove his way to an empty seat. After settling in with his snacks (4 fried Oreos and a "loaded" candy apple), he joined in the chorus of laughter at the titular hero's mockery of stupid Americans. (Rumor has it that the entire Ziegler clan danced around the theater to the sound of the Kazakhstan national anthem.) But then Tom had a horrible feeling warsh over him. He got nervous and his stomach sunk. He realized that he was watching a scene was from an RV trip he took with his Psi Chi boys two years ago. As is customary in the chapter, Tom was serving as a mentor to his younger frat brothers -- Anthony, Dave, and Justin -- from the University of South Carolina. It was his turn to drive the RV and chauffeur them around the country as they indulged their favorite pastimes of getting drunk and picking up strangers.
Tom recalls that Justin alerted everyone to the presence of a hitchhiker, and since frat guys help each other and those in need, they let this weird guy -- the supposed Kazakh journalist Borat Sagdiyev -- on the RV. Tom kept his eyes on the road (his head appears briefly in the film) and heard the guys and their new foreign friend whooping it up in the back. All of a sudden, he sees this scene on the big screen. He now realizes that it was some kind of spoof or put-on, and it made him madder than an anaconda during Rush Week. Tom finds it unacceptable to make his fellow Psi Chi guys look bad. As a result, Tom is announcing a Psi Chi boycott of the film and urges all other Psi Chi members to not see it. Tom hopes they can band together and shut down the #1 film in the country.
Tom didn’t even hear much about the movie and only saw one poster for it, so he doesn’t understand why the theater was so packed. If it has even been reviewed, Tom hopes that it’s getting terrible notices. Tom says it's "not cool" to make fun of his brothers, and these victims of the prank continue to deal with the fallout. Justin is distraught, and Tom had to talk him off the ledge. Anthony doesn’t know that to do with himself. Dave’s kinda happy with it. He came off pretty good. Tom thinks the boycott may be gaining steam until he discovers that the national leadership of Chi Psi has officially condemned the statements made by Tom’s brothers. Tom doesn't agree with their stance and thinks they may need to launch a rogue frat to break ranks with the organization. Tom rejects the notion that his brothers do not speak on behalf of their chapter and thinks it’s disgusting to sell them sell out. A few days ago, Anthony and Justin chose to fight back and filed a lawsuit to restore their good names.
- Chris calls (starts at 32:33) from sunny Hawthorne, NJ (much more beautiful than its CA namesake) to see if he can run the gauntlet and outlast Fred. His mother-in-law is coming to visit, and since he’s in the process of finishing the attic, its contents are littering the living room. He thinks this is fortuitous because the clutter will drive the mother-in-law (I was going to abbreviate that with “m-i-l”, but then realized it was a mere letter away from a Darren Cook joke) out of the house. The stuff is all boxed up, so he’s not too concerned that she will snoop around. The only thing she could go through is the dirty laundry. Literally. His undies. The WHITES. Tom thinks she could tear open a few boxes and wants to know the worst thing she could find. Chris says it would be either a jar of gypsy tears (to repel AIDS) or a bag of "toys", which he admits is a euphemism in order to avoid outright dirty talk. Tom GOMPs him because no filth merchants are allowed on the program. Prediction: his mother-in-law will hear a whirring sound from within a box and discover discover his stash of “devices”.
Wa wa wee wa: W.C. Field's favorite hobbies were the jugglings, disco dance, and extreme misanthropy
- Spike calls (starts at 35:00) and makes Tom kinda wish that Fred called back instead. Tom suspects that Spike is calling from a train depot due to the hustle and bustle in the background. Spike says it was just Howard. Tom wants to know more about this Howard, but Spike says it’s a long story he doesn’t want to get into tonight. I was hoping the mystery man was going to be some leather-clad, misbehaving slave or some eccentric doo-wop enthusiast appraising Spike’s 45s like that scene in Ghost World ("Spike, a tight hair crack is just that -- a crack. I don't collect cracked records!"), but the story was not very long at all. Spike was listening to Howard Stern, the self-proclaimed King of all Media, on the radio.
Tom: So you were playing Howard Stern?
Spike: Yes, I have serious.
Tom: I know you’re serious … so you’re a pretty serious Howard Stern fan?
Spike: Off and on.
Spike: Off and on.
Spike: Also Lynn Samuels, that’s one of the reasons why I got serious.
Tom: Uh-huh, so you got serious about radio, and so you listen to these people?
Spike: Oh yes.
Tom: Mmm hmm.
Spike: I listen to you too--
Tom: Where do you hear them anymore? Howard Stern isn’t even on the radio anymore.
Spike: He’s on serious. On satellite.
Tom: Well, I know he’s always been serious about radio.
Spike: But anyway.
Tom: No, no, no, help me out here. I haven’t heard his show in almost a year.
Spike: Help you out. Okay, well, you know, he’s on serious, so is Lynn Samuels …
Tom: He’s unserious? I thought he was very serious.
Spike: Well, he is now.
Tom: Now he’s serious … well, if he was so serious about radio, where is he?
Spike: No, you just have to pay $13/month.
Tom: How do I pay? What, do I pay K-Rock or something?
Spike: No, he’s not on K-ROCK anymore.
Tom: Who do I pay the $13 to?
Spike: Serious satellite radio.
Tom: Serious satellite radio.
Tom: What is that like intellectual stuff, like college or something? It’s all educational or something. I like fun shows, Spike.
Spike: Oh, so do I. Lynn Samuels is fun.
Tom: Yeah, but you were talking all about this serious stuff.
Spike: Uh-huh … Speaking of serious stuff…
Spike throwing down a nice segue! He should have his own show on Sirius. Spike went to vote earlier in the day to kick out the village idiots that constantly torment him and voted The American Way. Tom is surprised they let him vote because he thought Spike was off the rolls for another 15 years until he got his privileges back. My guess is that one of Spike’s governmental co-workers pulled some strings or hacked into a computer. While Spike claims to support The American Way, he disagrees with the suffrage rights dictated by the 26th Amendment. He believes that you should only be allowed to vote once you hit 25 years old. He then issues his familiar adaptation of a famous quote from the great W.C. Field: "Children under 25 should never be seen nor heard." Tom pictures Spike as a W.C. Field type and wants him to do an imitation. Spike says those are not his forte, but then a remarkably accurate voice says, “Ah, yes, I hate kids, yes.” Tom thinks he must have played a Field recording, but Spike says it was him. The eerily similar voice appears again and Tom siriously wants Spike to stop with the W.C. Field sound effects. Spike says it was him and repeats that he’s not a very skilled imitator. Tom tells him that it sounded just like W.C. Field. Spike does it for a third time, and Tom thinks he could be the next Frank Gorshin if he plays his cards right.
Yabba-Dabba-Don't-Do: Spike does do Dino discipline but doesn't do cold cereal
Spike hopes that Gorshin is resting in peace, and Tom wants to know what happened to him. Spike says he passed away several months ago (18, actually) due to cancer. Tom is shocked. He admired his work as The Riddler on the live-action Batman television series and does a nice rendition of the Batman save-the-day theme in his honor. (Would have been fun to hear Gorshin in a round of Make Me Laugh.) Spike’s favorite superheroes are Batman, Wonder Woman, and caveman crusader Fred Flintsone. Tom thinks Flintstone is an odd choice and wonders about his special power(s). Spike says it's keeping Dino in line. Spike connects with Fred's commitment to discipline and thinks he may have been the original version of himself. Tom didn't like the shift to a lower register when Henry Corden replaced Alan Reed as Fred's voice for projects like Fruity Pebbles commercials. Spike says that Reed is the only Fred Flintstone as far as he’s concerned. Spike ate Fruity Pebbles as a child, but was not much of a fan. He no longer does cold cereal, preferring the hot stuff like oatmeal, cream of wheat, and farina.
Tom wants some insight into Spike’s diet. The day’s menu consisted of a home-cooked egg whites and chicken sausage breakfast, shrimp and beef teriyaki with rice and vegetables for lunch at a place near the DMV, and a turkey burger, baked potato, and spinach for dinner. Spike usually skips dessert, but when he indulges he opts for a fruit salad with the occasional piece of cake. Tom’s impressed by his heart-healthy approach and thinks Spike is an interesting, Dr. Phil figure with his vast knowledge and nutritional expertise. Spike agrees that he’s a very interesting person, so Tom gets rid of him for bragging.
- No Smokin’ Joe calls (starts at 43:49) to agree with Tom on the glory of Frank Gorshin, citing his guest appearances on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. He claims he was right about calling the cancellation of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, even though it was the opposite of canceled. Good call, son. Tom doesn't like NSJ and wishes he was not a fan of show because he’s a lying, awful person. Tom doesn’t’ want him to apologize with cheap, meaningless words -- he wants him to earn back his respect. NSJ wants to know how to accomplish this, and Tom suggests donning his thinking cap and employing the skills he uses to write ads for Fox News. NSJ denies working for the news division, but Tom insists that he saw four commercials he did for Fox News on his End Hungrr website. NSJ says he did work for Burger King and Fox Sports Net. Tom says it doesn’t matter, because NSJ is judged at such a high standard after his descent into nicotine lies that anything he does now is wrong in his eyes. NSJ calls Tom “bro” and Tom does not like it at at all. He says nicht nicht to broham status with NSJ. Tom GOMPs the sicko creep and compares him to an Angel of Death. NSJ is the Josef Mengele of the airwaves.
Slayer - "Angel of Death"
- Taylor from Manhattan College calls (starts at 48:58) looking for Philly Boy Roy. Tom says he’s right in his pocket, but he actually has no idea where he is. Taylor misses him and doesn’t think it can be a good show without him. Tom wants to hear more about this theory that PBR is the lynchpin to the show's great success. Taylor says that he’s one of the elements of a good show since he always makes him and his friends laugh. Between shows, they will fill the void by doing impressions of him. Taylor does a brief impression that is passable, but nowhere near as accurate as Spike’s dead-on W.C. Field. He was a little too high-pitched and shifted a bit into Timmy von Trimble territory. I heard that Timmy saw the Borat film from the cup rest at the Newbridge 12 Cineplex. He loved it except for the scene with that one guy. Taylor thought he heard Tom typing his way to collegeboard.com to research his school. He was wrong. Taylor hopes PBR calls, but if he does, Tom will hang up on him. Taylor back peddles to say that Tom could have a good show without him, but Tom is certain that his words lack sincerity. Taylor’s new position is that PBR gives the show a “head start” on the fun.
He’s doing well with his studies in chemical engineering and the ladies since he’s still in the soft-serve freshmen-level classes. He won’t be pledging for any fraternities because his private college does not have any. Tom is shocked and wants to know why he would matriculate at such a school. Taylor says he’s not much of a partier; Tom thinks he is missing out on the Psi Chi experience. Taylor says that Manhattan College has more mayhem than his friend’s college, the Fashion Institute of Techmology. Taylor says that students there don’t feel like it’s a real college because they don’t have the crazy drinking and mostly girls attend. Taylor’s already low energy is draining fast, so Tom asks him how his brother, Pudge, is doing. Taylor tries to perk up, but it’s too late. The boredom and the damage done. Tom sends him to The Negative Zone, his fifth straight GOMP of the evening.
- Ryan from Lynchburg, VA., hesitantly calls (starts at 53:15) to say that he loves the show and hopes to avoid another GOMP. He's in the throes of a nervous excitement that he compares to the experience of calling a girl when he was in high school. Tom assures him that they're buddies, but points out that he doesn't have sole control over the GOMPs since Mike gives the signal on half of them. Ryan is watching the close Senate race in his state, and, as of that moment, Republican incumbent GG Allen had a slight lead over the dude from The Mentors. Ryan predicted that Allen would retain his seat, but El Duce pulled it out and gave the Dems control of both houses of Congress. High-five! Ryan was rooting for G G Parker, the Green Party candidate who ended up with 1% of the vote. Tom votes not on the issues, but on the names, so he’d be torn between an Allen and another GG. I was very disappointed with the Virgina Senate result because I was looking forward to the Laser Allen show that would have accompanied a victory speech. I really wanted to see what color laser beans he used with "Eat My Macaca".
Ryan votes on the accents -- if a candidate sounds too northern, he won’t support them. In the House race, he voted for Rep. Virgil Goode because he has a thick, Southern accent. (Goode ran against Bryce's favorite candidate.) Tom thinks Zeph Marshack would be on the fast track to political stardom down there . Zeph would get Ryan’s vote unless he ran against Bryce. I think that battle would make for an interesting campaign trail with Zeph constantly in the cups from vodka and cokes with no coke and Bryce talking to woodland creatures while hallucinating from too much Westbridge crippler weed. Would Rick and Rose support Zeph's candidacy? Tom wonders who would win a Best Show election, and Ryan thinks Bryce would take it.
- Farmer Eli from NJ calls (starts at 56:02) to get the highlights of what he missed at the WFMU Record Fair. In addition to the records, Tom saw an old guy slip and fall, causing his records to spill out all over the place. Eli wants to know if the guys with the really long and hair and the really long bangs were there again. Tom says that he saw a couple of guys with long hair, but Eli presses him on their bang length. Tom says he did not measure their bangs and wants to know the status of Eli's hair. Eli tries to keep it high and tight so he can go to any Friendly’s in the US and A and not get picked on. Eli farms vegetables, goat milk, and eggs, and human pubis (great for knitting holiday sweaters for the kids), which allows him to feed his family. He will then sell some of his harvest at a Farmer’s Market in the summer. He's unable to live entirely off the land, so he has another job as well Tom appreciates this interesting look into the world of the modern farmer.
Eli would vote for Zeph in The Best Show election. He would not vote for Spike, but might want Fred as a running mate on a Zeph ticket. Tom asks Eli if he’d rather be handcuffed to Spike or Fred. Eli goes with Fred because he’d be worried about what creepy things Spike would have in store for him. Tom is sad to say that he’d pick Spike because he’d fall asleep at 8 p.m. Tom thinks that Fred might actually die during the entanglement ("I can’t breathe, man.") and Eli would have to drag him around until he found someone to cut him loose.
- Tristan calls (starts at 1:00) to say everyone has it wrong on the election. He’d go old-school conservative and vote for Hot Rockin’ Ronny, which is akin to voting for someone like Big Burly Billy. Tristan argues that HRR has put in some time, while the new kids are unknown entities who lack experience. He points out that we know that HRR is rockin’, but the drawback is that he hates Tom. Tom says that everyone who calls hates him, including Tristan. Tristan says that he in fact loves Tom and thinks he’s great.
Tristan splits his time in Brooklyn and Providence. He likes Providence, although he encountered a bunch of creepy weirdos tonight. He saw Larry the Perv staring at the ground. As he passed him, Larry popped up and told him to check out a picture. He wasn’t sure if Tristan would think it was great, but he thought it was fantastic. Larry then went back to looking at the ground, and Tristan could not even detect any picture down there. Whatever the picture was, I’m sure Larry found it to be “erawtic”. Tom thinks that Larry just wanted to mug Tristan and was trying to lure him into a trap via this supposed artwork. Tristan decided that he needed to go get Chinese food and not get stabbed. Tom loves it.
- A caller offers (starts at 1:03) Tom some clues about his identity: he used to be a frequent caller, he was/is a bass guitar player, he was sad, and he was temperamental. Tom initially guesses that it’s Captain Badphone due to the power-plant hum, but then realizes that it’s Sathington. Tom saw him at the Record Fair, and Sathington says the event was the most fun he’s had in a very long time. He’s all grown up and a completely different person now -- no more suicide threats over the air. Sathington gets people up to speed with a recap of his world since his last call on 3/22/05. He dropped out of high school for many reasons, and then he fell into a slight depression. This prompted him to make a change by moving in with his aunt and uncle in Somerville. After that experiment failed, he moved in with this kid that he knew through some other people. He stayed in that apartment for a few months, but realized it was a bit of a disaster. He was dreading his return home, but when he did, he realized he never should have left.
Tom compares his journey to Elizabethtown. Sathington hasn’t seen the film, so Tom tells him it’s about finding your way home. Tom pulled the trigger on a used, full-frame copy at Blockbusters for $75 and discovered that it was also about being a whole lotta bad. Sathington abruptly departs to investigate someone slamming his door down. Tom likes this new version of Sathington. Mike the Associate Producer is also glad he’s back.
Abnormal Unhappiness: Uncle Bob fans want their $950 back after not getting any high-leg kicks at a Nov. 10th show in Saginaw, MI
- Tom issues a challenge (starts at 1:13) to listeners to find the most insanely expensive item StubHub, the online bazaar for tickets to live entertainment events. Tom starts it off with a $2,575 ticket to see Dane Cook at MSG. Tom thinks this is too much to pay to see Cook make stuff up and perform 90 percent of his atrocious Home Box Office special. Mike finds a listing for a $4,100 ticket to see The Rolling Stones in Las Vegas. Tom follows it up with a $950 Row J floah seat to see Bob Seger (the John Cafferty of Detroit) in Cincinnati. Tom speculates that Kid Rock might go for them. The ticket actually sold to this guy.
Tom requested that the FOT Chat inhabitants call with their finds instead of relegating them to an Intronet sub-show, but Laurie disobeys by mentioning a $751 GNR ticket. Tom threatens to shut down the chat when the show is on the air and starts looking for the button to turn it off. Tom met Laurie at the post-Record Fair FOT gathering and thought she was a very nice person. Tom was impressed that the 20+ attendees were all so well-mannered and sweet -- even young Petey. However, Tom was not pleased about getting burned during the karaoke at Winnie’s. The machine conked out on him at least two times while trying to perform Nick Lowe’s “Cruel To Be Kind”. The malfunctions made him look like a dummy up on the stage. Tom declares Winnie’s the worst karaoke bar ever, citing it’s $1-per-song fee and the fact that the lyrics were projected on a screen behind the singer. As a result, the audience was forced to watch your back stare at a song playing through two little speakers that can’t be heard unless you’re within three feet of them. Someone in the chat also lamented the $6 Heinekens. Tom gives the bush-league establishment thumbs down and wants his $1 back, as well as an apology from its proprietors.
At this point, Tom fears that the Stub Hub Challenge is going to be filed in the garbage can next to Turk 182 It, the biggest bust in The Best Show’s history. In an effort to save the segment, Tom follows a lead to check out Wrestlemania 23 at Ford Field in Detroit. The most expensive ticket is $25,000 for ringside seats to see something that Tom claims is fake. I would only pay that much if Mike Savage was stepping back into the ring for a match scripted by Bob Mould. Tom also finds a $1,399 Platinum ringside ticket that allows you to keep your chair as a souvenir. He's not sure if anyone would really want the chair.
- A caller spotted (starts at 1:22) some $4,999 Rose Bowl tickets. Tom finds Barbara Streisand at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas $5,556. The caller would not go any higher than $40 to see Babs. Tom reminds him that Il Divo is opening, so the caller downgrades his top price to $30. Speaking of downgrading, Tom declares the bit a flop.
- A caller found (starts at 1:24) $750 tickets for the Samsung / RadioShack / Earthlink / Pringles 500 NASCAR event in Ft. Worth, Texas. While it’s not extremely expensive, the caller thinks it’s a lot of money to spend on what would probably be his biggest nightmare scenario: seeing NASCAR in Texas. The caller references last week’s Pay Me game and says he’d need the $750 to go see it. Tom offers him the alternative of seeing Big & Rich at The Palace of Auburn Hills in Michigan for $543. Tom is not a B&R fan and neither is the caller. Tom appreciates his effort to give some juice to a dying game. A few more chat-based entries fly around: $4300 for Justin Timberlake and $171 for Charles Michael Kittridge Thompson IV tickets. Tom wonders who hosts The Best Chat Show on WFMU. I think it's that guy Boris. He rules!
- A caller (starts at 1:25) has a great idea for how Tom can spend New Year’s Eve 2006. The site: the historic Ryman Auditorium in Nashville, TN. The prices $139-$269. The entertainment: Tom’s old-timey radio colleague, the one and only Garrison Keillor. Tom imagines that the audience would have to pinch their leg to stay up past 11:00 p.m. when faced with boring ice-fishing tales from Lake Wobegone (you won’t find Aquaman buying a summer sea castle in that lake!). Tom is horrified by the thought of getting stuck in a sea of traffic of 90-year-olds trying to exit the parking lot. Tom refuses to see Robert Altman’s A Prairie Home Companion because Keillor is in it. The caller is a Lindsay Lohan completist, so he did see the film. He believes she will be the next great American actress. Lohan is a pretty good choice, but my pick is Jennifer Schwalbach Smith. I wasn’t sold on her in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, but she really took it to the next level in Clerks II.
- Pothead Dan calls (starts at 1:28) with a StubHub gem: Dane Cook’s Tourgasm without Dane Cook. For $550, you can grab a second row ticket to see Jay Davis, Robert Kelly, and Gary Gulman -- the real Comedians of Comedy -- at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Tom thinks the price of tickets to this show should have an inverse relationship to their proximity to Jay Davis. Tom wonders if the audiences now clap in recognition when he starts his “TLC Killer” joke. Pothead Dan would want $550 + a free ticket to sit down at the show, although Tom is certain that he’d either be on his feet or rolling on the floor with laughter for its duration. Tom speculates that they close out the show by having all three guys on stage sitting on stools like the Blue Collar Comedy tour, perhaps introducing a Dane Cook video in which he apologizes for not being there.
Pothead Dan’s mom starts causing a ruckus in the background, and Tom siriously wants to talk to her. She left the room, but Tom orders Pothead Dan to chase his mommy down. She claims she’s sleeping despite the fact that she can be heard yelling. She’s scared, so Tom tells her to loosen up with another drink. She prefers to eat some ice cream, and Tom wants her to do it over the phone. This wears her down and she reluctantly gets on the line. Tom tells her that her son seems like a good guy, and she confirms that he is. Tom says that other than the stuff he talks about on the show, he seems very well-balanced. His mom says that he very mature for a 17-year-old. Tom asks her how she feels about his website, but she wasn't even aware of it. Tom informs her that he’s been calling every week as “Pothead Dan” to review different strains of weed. She responds with “no comment” and leaves to go eat her Mint Chip ice cream. Tom urges her to hurry up before her son swoops in with the munchies. She says she has to hide it and gives the phone back to Pothead Dan before she can discuss the pot vaporizer she bought for him. Tom's riffage upset "Nills" in the chat. He doesn't approve of making weed jokes to someone's mother. Oh, Nills.
- Cutless calls (starts at 1:33) to plug his appearance on Wilmer Vondelarvral’s Yo Mamma. Cutlass thinks WV is kind of a tool. Tom refuses to talk to him because he doubts he was on the show, plus he cracked himself up. Mike brokered one of his side deals to give Cutlass another shot, but Tom only grants him a few seconds because he can't trust him. Tom hopes he gets hit by a Cutlass, but immediately rescinds his wish to avoid karmic, The Twilight Zone-ish retribution.
- August checks in (starts at 1:37) to report on his unsuccessful Halloween. At the last minute, he tried to throw together some vampire thing, but it was hideous. He was too ashamed of his costume to venture outside to trick-or-treat. Tom thought he could have just thrown a sheet over his head and go out as ghost. August thought about that, but the only old sheets he could find were tan. Tom thinks he could have used those to become a jaundiced ghost. August overlooked the possibility of dressing as a sick specter. Tom asks August to get a piece of paper to write down some advice for the 2007 Halloween game plan. Tom tells August to start mapping out his strategy in the second week of October. The plan will require three costumes (quality is not crucial) and the ability to let go of a certain piece of dignity. Tom asks August if candy or dignity is more important to him. He doesn’t answer, so Tom goes with candy for the sake of the four-part plan.
1. You wear the first costume for some advance trick-or-treating on October 30th. On this outing, you canvass for candy in your neighborhood, but seek out areas around the block where you are not as well-known. You explain your early presence with a story about an out-of-town family trip that will cause you to miss out on the festivities the next day. This will also allow you to scope out the primo candy stashes and determine an effective route.
2. The next day, you put on the second costume and go out on Halloween proper. In this trip, you can skip over the bad houses with the bums giving out fruity Laffy Taffy. In this phase, you also get your parents to drive you to a completely different neighborhood to hit up new people. After two grueling days on the streets, the plan is still not complete.
3. On November 1st, you crack out your third and final costume. You then go around pretending that you were ill on Halloween to get the leftovers from the good houses. Tom wants to hear August’s sick voice, but he is unable to imitate someone with a cold. I bet Spike could! Tom pencils in some rehearsal time for the second week of October so August can pull it off.
4. You take a day off, and then return to the circuit on November 3rd without any costume. You go door-to-door telling people that you are collecting any remaining candy to make a donation to children. August initially rejects this on the grounds that it’s dishonest, but Tom points out that he’s a child. August says that since he will be using the plural term “children” in his solicitation, he will give some of his candy to his brother and friends to avoid getting caught in a lie.
August isn’t sure what his parents will think of his idea, but he’ll find out when he goes downstairs after he hangs up. Tom thinks he could get away with Phase 4 now, a full week after Halloween. August has been packing 10 leftover pieces of candy in his lunches, giving three pieces each to two of his friends and then throwing one piece up for grabs on the other end of table as part of a social experiment. August didn’t vote today because he’s not old enough, but Tom thought he was 18. August says he’s only 13 and is pretty sure that he revealed his age to Tom several months ago. Tom thought
Austin Albert August was enlisting in the Army. Tom also saw August working the Wheel-o-Fate table at the Record Fair. The phone lines heat up, so Mike gives Tom the signal to bid August goodnight.
- Bryce calls (starts at 1:48) to say that he did his civic duty today. He believes that voting is not just a right, it’s a privilege just like something else. Bryce demonstrates this other privilege by taking a monster hit of crippler. Bryce points out that people in other countries like Alaska are unable to “bong out" like Americans. He then confuses Tom even more by asking what he voted for in the election. Tom thinks he might be referring to the Senate race, but Bryce is referring to the vote for favorite song. Tom now thinks they are talking about two different elections. Bryce says he went to his polling place, but found out that he wasn't registered to vote. He technically doesn’t have a residential address since his lives in a shanty in the woods behind the old Lady Foot Locker. Bryce wrote down what he was voting for and gave the paper to this dude to put in the ballot box. He told him he did it. Bryce wrote the Grateful Dead song “Sugar Magnolia” on the paper. Bryce wants to know what song Tom wrote down, but Tom didn’t voted for politicians, not songs. Bryce also voted for some politicians: Phil Lesh, Jerry Garcia, Mountain Girl, and the guy who plays mandolin for the New Riders of the Purple Sage. Bryce didn’t know his name, so he just wrote “the dude from New Riders with the mustache” to ensure his vote got on the books.
Bryce senses that Tom is being kinda snippy, and he doesn’t like it. Tom says he simply doesn’t understand the point of the votes Bryce cast. Bryce thinks every vote counts, and he made his count. Tom tells him that the things he voted for don’t count towards any legitimate election. This causes Bryce to deliver what he would wager is the first “what” with a bong hit in the middle of it. The infusion of pot makes Bryce starts singing “Sugar Magnolia”, and he wants Tom to patch Mike’s headset mic in so they can harmonize. Tom refuses to put Mike on, so Bryce asks him to provide some harmonies. Tom suggests “Touch of Grey”, and Bryce launches into it. Bryce says the video for the track was the scariest thing he's ever seen to this day. He viewed while on acid and felt like Jerry’s hand came through the television and started to strangle him. He called out to his mom for help, but she couldn’t provide any assistance because she tripping with him as part of his birthday celebration. She was the one who turned Bryce onto drugs. His father, Dr. Prefontaine, was also there getting high.
Bryce continues to struggle because his parents won’t give him any more dough to fix his shanty and Lean-To Aid 2 fell through. He previously asked Tom to co-host the benefit concert with Werner and Rutager, but Tom refused. Bryce dishes some Newbridge gossip about Rutager vanishing with the entire supply of crippler. Werner is really mad and tried to remedy the situation by getting on the ballot for mayor of Newbridge. He wanted to take office and sign an “Instant Death Warrant” against his own brother. He sped up the process by going to the Board of Elections with a knife to get on the ballot. The worst part is that he was put on the ballot at 7:50 p.m., just 10 minutes before the polls closed. He got 202 votes by going to various polling places and threatening voters with the same sharp knife, but did not win the mayoral race. I couldn’t find anything on the actual winner, but I know it was a tight race between Rev. Ken Miller and restauranteur Augie Richards. Richards took the the lead in the final days of the campaign after a series of attack ads revolving around a photo of Rev. Miller leaving The Love Nest and the revelation that he screened It’s Raining Membranes during a teen mass earlier this year.
Despite the setback, Werner’s political aspirations are still going strong. He plans to run for alderman and relaunch a mayoral campaign next year. He wants to help the community with great ideas like his ingenious way to get citizens hooked on rails. He hopes to dispense cocaine samples through the coin return slot of local pay phones. A slip of paper with Werner’s contact number will accompany the package for future orders after the person gets hooked on the German marching powder. Tom’s never done a rail, and Bryce thinks he’s missing out on the greatest feeling ever. Bryce is sad as he's about to take his final crippler bong it until Rutager is found. He wants everyone to share it with him and requests that Tom hum a Grateful Dead song of his choice. Tom doesn't really know any, and Bryce has a crying fit because Mike won’t come out and sing. He takes the hit and starts singing "Truckin'", but the crippler wears off during the second half of the line: "Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip its been."
- Speaking of strange trips, Mary B from Albuquerque calls (starts at 2:00) to find out what she's been listening to for the past 20 minutes. While cruising the Internet for music, she randomly tuned to The Best Show and couldn't figure it out what it was all about. Tom explains that it's a call-in program where the callers dictate the course of things. Mary likes everything from Abba to Zappa (except Abba and Zappa) and fishes for obscure stuff. She mainly collects songs instead of listening to specific genres or bands. One band she likes is Faogazi, a Madagascar-based Fugazi cover band (I’m a big fan of their addition of valiha to “Margin Walker”). Tom was confused and thought they did the cartoon music for Madagascar, but Mary informs him that the world musicians merely hail from that country. Tom recommends the film to Mary, who has been too busy for cinema screenings.
However, Mary is about to have a lot of free time since she's been retired for six days from her longtime job as a fundraiser for public radio. Tom tells her not bother with Borat and suggests that she see the superior The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause instead. Mary says it doesn't really appeal to her because it's too mainstream. Mary hasn't been a big movie watcher because she spent the last 17.5 years grinding it out in the trenches, pitching for NPR shows like Morning Edition and All Things Considered. Now it's Mary time. Now it's movie time. She will also continue to do her weekly KUNM free-form music show (Fridays at 1:30 p.m. MT) that tends to lean towards a mix of folk and world music. Her most recent playlist indicates that you'll hear everything from Weird Al to Joe Strummer to Khazakhstan folk singer Azamat Bagatov!
Tom tells Mary that she's called during a big (and, ultimately, premature) celebration for Virginia remaining Republican. Mary's amused by this, and Tom tells her that Craig Hannity was just on discussing the election results. Mary B doesn't know too much about political things, but she doesn’t care for Republicans. Tom tells her that his party is made up of good people, and Mary does call for God to bless everybody without exception. Tom thinks there are a few exceptions like that time God forsook Spike. Mary is unfamiliar with Spike, but she wants God to bless him, too. Tom explains that Spike is part of the stable of weirdos who regularly call The Best Show. Tom then orders them to stop listening to this show and start listening to Mary B, their new leader. Tom predicts that she will start getting weird e-mails inviting her to cookouts. Tom once attended a listener cookout out in the woods (presumably behind the Lady Foot Locker) and discovered there was no food. He got a weird feeling that they we going to hunt him, so he pretended to go get some horseshoes from his car and sped off to safety.
Tom asks Mary if she'd be interested in booking Craig Hannity on her show to talk about his new book, Right Is Right. Mary believes that all politics is nonsense (that sounds like a good line for a DC Snipers song). She thinks all politics is fake, pretend, and make believe, and talkers like the Hannity brothers contribute to advancing the continued belief in an enormous charade. Tom wants to hear more and gives her the floor. Mary doesn't see how we can live in a world where our leaders lie to themselves and to us. Tom says that President Bush is an exception and hopes to have The Big Man on the show next week. The same weirdo who invited Tom to the cookout told him that he'd deliver Bush as a guest. Mary B doubts this will pan out. Tom thinks she worked hard to earn her retirement and now it's time to play hard. Tom recommends cracking open a Michelob or Bud Ice before her radio show, but she prefers red wine. After hunkering down for the winter months, Mary B will dedicate her life to fun and be on the loose come spring. Tom thinks she’ll have inherited all The Best Show weirdos by that point, but Mary thinks her life is now Teflon when it comes to weirdos. Tom tells her that these weirdos are pretty sticky and recommends avoiding any cookouts. Mary B thinks the callers would all live far away, but Tom tells her about the recent road show stop two weeks ago at the lodge in Taos. Tom bids her farewell from one radio professional to another. Mary B responds with "You betcha!". The free-form Marge Gunderson!
- Petey calls (starts at 2:13) while "sniffing pine needles" outside because the Christmas-y odors make him happy. Petey asks Tom what he's doing and thinks it's pretty radical that he's doing his radio show. Petey has managed to successfully assimilate into his school by wearing his hair over his eyes so nobody bothers him with atomic wedgies anymore. Tom wonders if Petey bought anything good at the Record Fair, but he only got some Blind Willie McTell and Leadbelly records. Tom speculates that he made the Leadbelly purchase on a dare. Petey does think Sathington is pretty goob and requests that Tom not hang up on him if he calls again. Tom says it was simply time to move on, just like it is now. Petey mentions that is brother, Pudge, has been trying to get him to do a Smash or Trash, but Tom says that's a bad call because Petey is too ingrained in the show. Petey wonders why he's getting more boring every week, which, oddly, makes his call more exciting. Mike reminds Tom that Petey and his friends were doing sketches of a security guard at the Record Fair. Petey says he was just drawing biddles and gets GOMPed.
After the music break, Tom mentions that Geeeep from the FOT Chat wants 7 laughs in the last 18 minutes. Tom demands that he call so he can hear the actual laughter while he's on hold. Sadly, Geeeeep failed to pick up the phone.
- Listener T calls (starts at 2:40) to tell Tom to Geeeeep his fingers crossed for a W. He also wanted to give a shout-out to his beloved Quimby (the mouse?) who is in Hong Kong. She got some kind of crazy deal where you can be a courier and got round-trip tickets for $350. She has to meet someone at the airport to get some papers, and then give those papers to someone at another airport. She's then free to go on her way until she returns home and gets arrested by Homeland Security. Tom takes a risk by introducing a new topic for the final 15 minutes: Sell Me On It. Tom can already feel the wheels coming off and fears the L word. He considers accepting defeat and finishing out the show with music, but plows ahead by asking for someone to sell him on My Morning Jacket. (Ted Leo actually tried to do this during his Coachella report). Tom's ears process the band as Wayne Coyne singing badly with Radiohead backing him on Allman Brothers covers.
T can't help Tom out on the MMJ, but he did see Brian Wilson the other night. He thought the lunatic sounded really good and had a great band. The old hippies in the audience were well-behaved. Tom heard there was a show he didn’t show up for, but nobody even noticed. T didn’t think that Wilson even touched the keyboard and guitar that were put in front of him. He forgot to even attempt the fake strumming. Tom heard that for four shows last year, he was replaced by a scarecrow with a cowlick at the piano bench. T says that Wilson was going through the twitching, random arm movements, and at St. Vitus Dance. During "Sloop John B", he got so moved by the music that he banged on the keyboard with his palms. Tom likes Wilson, but likes Mike Love even more. Tom is a big fan of Love's solo album, Looking Back With Love, an overlooked masterpiece released by the Radio Shack label in 1979. Tom believes it's the Pet Sounds of the 1970s, a pure blast of Mike Love without those pesky Wilsons mucking around. T mentions that Al Jardine was also at the show. Tom met Jardine at a Republican fundraiser, where he performed an acoustic version of the Sunflower outtake, "Loop De Loop".
- Lindsey from Ft. Worthless, TX calls on the other line (starts at 2:47) because someone told her to for a reason she doesn't reveal. Tom immediately GOMPs her because weird kids calling the wrong line can’t be trusted.
Tom had the show in the crosshairs until Geeeep started shooting his mouth off like a hot shot. Tom decides that Sell Me On It is 3/6th topic, not a 5 or 6/6th topic. Therefore, Tom switches to the classic Overrated/Underrated for the final stretch. The phone go so quiet that Tom feels like he's at a sparsely attended Kevin Federline concert at Webster Hall. Tom thinks people should lay off K-Fed -- despite being terrible, he had a great run and "Popo Zau" is a good record.
- A caller offers Radiohead as Overrated and Sparks as big-time Underrated. Tom duly notes it.
- A caller thinks High On Fire is both Underrated and the heaviest band on Earth. Tom thinks the heaviest band on Earth is either Poison Idea (also the ugliest) or Bowling For Soup. Tom saw BFS on VH-1 and concluded that one guy is skipping the soup ("belly wash") at the buffet table in search of other food. Re sonic heaviness, there was also some talk in the FOT Chat about the Atlanta-based heavy metal group, Mastodon. They recently made a new friend.
- A callers wants Tom's take on Parmesan cheese. The caller thinks it's the best "topper" for anything, but Tom says it's just gross. I'll put that down as Overrated.
- Lindsey calls back on the right number and says her friend told her to call because Tom mentioned MMJ. Lindsey isn't that familiar with them, but she will see them live in a couple of weeks.
- Get Off My Bone plays Overrated/Underrated with the Dallas Mavericks. Tom thinks they will end up where they're supposed to be, but GOMB interprets this to mean that they will lose the big games. Tom thinks that is cold. This past Friday, Tom was walking around Boston with Mike Peters from The Alarm and two guys from from Cactus World News en route to Borat. All of a sudden, Rip Hamilton walks right by him. Right after that, he saw Lindsey Hunter and Antonio McDyess. To cap it off, he saw Pistons coach Flip Saunders eating lunch through a window. GOMB leaves with a scripted outro line of "this pool's getting cold ..."
- Miles thinks Eric Roberts' performance in The Pope of Greenwich Village is Underrated. He thinks Borat is Overrated, but Tom doesn't even like the film at all. Hopefully Tom and his boys will win the lawsuit. The Psi Chi's don't roll over like that!
- Tristan thinks Kurt Russell is Underrated, while Geeep's laughter is Overrated. Tom will not do a show next week because he’s too emotionally scarred by Geep’s antics. Tom also hopes people are savoring the last days of the doomed chat, which will soon go the way of the ice truck and flip-top sodeys. Tom says that Geeep has ushered in a new era for The Best Show -- Before Geeeep (BG) and After Geeeep (AG). Tristan realizes that we're no longer living in a pre-Geeeep world.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: NO SHOW THIS WEEK BECAUSE OF GEEEEEEEP. THUMBS DOWN TO GEEEEEEP. TOM ASKED YOU TO CALL BUT YOU JUST HID IN THE CHAT AND SILENTLY LAUGHED IT UP. SOFT-SERVE, SON!!!!!
I'm off to celebrate the Festival of Shurik, but I'll leave you with a sexytime threesome:
And, finally, give it up for Tom's Irish New Wave buddies: