Recidivism.

How To Avoid a Staff Mutiny
Michael Scott
Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Co.

Posted by DOP at 4:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

Probably stealing the Fiddle's ATL concert update thunder with this one, but Greg was noticeably absent from their recent Atlanta stop -- and it looks like he may never grace the Georgia Dome's candy-colored stage again.

Posted by x amount at 12:39 PM | Permalink | Comments

And if you're not gonna volunteer your time, feel free to star map the rest.

Posted by x amount at 10:40 AM | Permalink | Comments

Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence
Although if you want the truth, try the Colbert Nation's Wikiality.

Posted by DOP at 2:49 PM | Permalink | Comments

"You can do this, Tommy. You can do this. Another show. No big deal. Just do this for three hours, keep those people happy. You keep those people happy! That’s what you do, you keep 'em happy." -- Tom, shaking off the rust

"I may smack some of them around once in a while, but I don't vote for them." -- Spike on how he treats Republicans

"Woe is the person that needs discipline from you." -- Tom, lamenting the soul that needs Spike to fill the void

"I used to be a white meat guy, but I switched over to the darkside, so to speak." -- Sam on his turkey preference

“The dry-erase board in the studio here might be too high-energy for you." -- Tom on a caller who was afraid to step into Jim Cramer's Danger Zone

“So you want to play me something that is not as good as Weird Al?” -- Tom, expressing doubt about the potential quality of Weirder Jon's song parody

"There’s a good chance if you play clarinet, you’re an idiot." -- Tom, making a generalization about those who play the "licorice stick"

"Who wouldn’t want to see Rita Rudner do her act in front of a demolished home?" -- Tom on the irresistible pleasures of stagecraft verisimilitude and top-shelf stand-up

"Hey, where’s my suicide machine?" -- Tom, looking for relief from Billy Crystal's comedy terror

"No food. No water. No turlets." -- "Jazzman" Lester, describing the poor amenities at the Superdome

“How ‘bout you end the war, you dope.” -- Tom, proposing an alternative to Billy Crystal's plan to stop the war for only two days

"Is there such a thing as 'Garrison Keillor humor' actually?" -- Tom, searching for the correct term for this old-timey act

"Billy Crystal did a dress rehearsal on that thing!" -- Tom, pointing out that at least Michael Richards didn't craft his offensive material

"I'm sorry he likes me so much." -- Tom, apologizing for inspiring such steadfast devotion in his fans

"You weren't even there, you were hidin' out in the National Guard, gettin' help from your Daddy!" -- Dutch, expressing his anger about the Swift Boat attacks against fellow veteran John Kerry

"What on Earth made you say it like that?" -- Tom, trying to find out why a caller pronounced the name "Akira Kurasowa" in a bizarre Japanese accent

"Racist! Racist! Racist! Racist!" -- Classic Thanksgiving taunt

"I'm not gonna tell you how to drug your grandparents!" -- Tom, willing to only go so far in helping a listener deal with his family on Thanksgiving

"That's like asking if there will be cameras used in the filming of this movie." -- Tom on whether there would be a scene of Ellen Burstyn accidentally getting high in his new drug comedy

"The treasure is the songwriting gold that Randy Quaid spins." -- Tom on the ultimate bounty in his summertime indie flick

[TBSOWFMU - 11/21/06 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 41 strong] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Hank IV - "Hole In My Eye"

( Click here to buy Third Person Shooter)

Dan Melchior's Broke Revue - "Black Light"

( Click here to buy Bitterness, Spite, Rage and Scorn)

Mr. Airplane Man - "Wait For Your Love"

( Click here to buy C'mon DJ)

Boyskout - "Lobby Boys"

( Click here to buy Another Life)

The Magic Numbers - "Take A Chance"

( Click here to buy Those The Brokes)

The Ladybug Transistor - "Empty Bottles"

( Click here to buy the Here Comes the Rain EP)

This is a recap emergency. Whatcha want me to do? I’m sorry. I’m back. Can you dig that? I knew ... that you could:

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?: Spike's not-so-traditional family braces for his arrival ... and his Grindhouse side dish

- Bizarro Spike throws (starts at 28:14) Tom for a loop with a new greeting of "Evening, Tom" instead of his signature creepy reveal, which sounds like he’s emerging from out of the shadows. Spike compares his usual audio entrance to the surprise appearances of his favorite people: Jason, Belty, Freddy, Chucky, and Leatherface. Wait. I just realized something. Chucky is under 25! I guess Spike makes an exception for homicidal doll-boys. Per Tom's request, Spike offers a little insight into how he spends Thanksgiving: he visits his “family” just like everyone else. Tom assumes that Spike is referring to an motley collection of miscreants and lowlifes not unlike the surrogate unit formed by the Boogie Nights crew of porn stars and drug addicts. Spike says he was talking about a "real" family, but Tom points out that the Jack Horner players really did care for each other, even during bedroom rail sessions. Spike clarifies that he’s referring to his traditional family comprised of blood relatives. I hope he compiled some holiday mix CDs for the occasion.

Spike will be in the same room as them, and they'll be aware of his presence because he’ll be slaving away over some food in the kitchen. [SCARY IMAGE ALERT: Spike wearing an apron, appearing like the unholy offspring from a Julia Child, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Fridge Perry tripling.] Spike doesn’t have a culinary specialty, but he did some work on a bread-and-sausage stuffing. Tom wonders if human flesh is the secret to his sausage preparation, and Spike suggests that children under 25 and other people he doesn’t like may in fact find their way into the grinder. Spike will not bring any of his slaves to the Thanksgiving dinner because even he doesn’t go that far. (In other words, Spike is no Borat.) Tom agrees that Thanksgiving is not the time to goof around with that stuff. Spike is actually taking the week off from administering dungeon discipline, handing over the chains to Sexy Sadie and Debbie the Dominatrix. Regular customers will have to make due with those two because Spike is in a lighter, Thanksgiving mood. Tom wants to know if there are any unique holiday traditions in the Spike family, but they do the usual stuff just like any family in America. Tom thinks this sounds like a Todd Solondz movie. I read in Viority that Spike just landed a part in Happiness 2: The Oozing, joining Andy Milonakis, Dax Shepard, Marg Helgenberger, three autistic midgets, and a 600-pound Afro-American lady. Expect a decapitation or two.

In addition to the positive holiday vibes, Spike's in a good mood because he's pleased that the "normal people" are back in power. Tom’s not sure what he’s talking about, so Spike tells him that the Democrats gained control of both houses of Congress in the recent election. As a result of their newfound majority, Spike thinks they will be able to keep that person in line. Tom admits defeat on this round, but he’s thankful that his guy Pete King (R-NY) retained his House seat. Spike’s not a King fan because he doesn’t support any Republicans. He may smack some of them around once in a while, but he doesn't vote for them. Spike claims that some of his customers are staunch Republicans, but Tom doesn’t believe it. Tom rejects the implication that there’s an element of perversion in the Republican ranks. He demands that Spike take it back due to lack of proof. Spike refuses and also implicates the Democrats, the Green Party, and the Feminist Party. Spike's client roster is up to about 20 slaves, and Tom pleads for mercy on the soul of a person who needs Spike to fill the disciplinary void in their life. Spike says they love it and don’t require any spiritual salvation because he saves them during their sessions.

Tom thinks it may be time for Spike to leave the disciplinary lifestyle and call it a day with the dungeon. He speculates that Spike is more content because he's taking a week off from the prevert actions. Spike has considered retirement, but it doesn't sound like he'll be dismantling the whipping racks or folding up the bondage tables anytime soon. He'll continue to serve the servants, such as a 60-year-old businessperson -- his oldest customer. Tom wonders how people react when they realize that the dungeon promised in Spike's personal ad is actually an unfurnished basement apartment featuring a TV with a coat hanger in lieu of an antenna. Spike says he doesn’t get any complaints about the space, which is equipped with cable television. Tom wants to know who he’s stealing the cable from, but Spike says he pays for his cable. Tom knows that he paid for the cable that he’s running from his television to someone else’s box, but he wants to know who's paying the actual bill. Spike claims that he's able to afford such luxuries because he’s doing well with his customers.

Spike was a little famished so he begins chomping an organic strawberry pop tart that he purchased at Trader Joe's. He tried to get it in during the music break, but the time crunch got him. Tom requests the nutritional information: no fat and 40 calories per tart. Tom predicts he’ll regret saying it, but he wants to hear more. (Coming to WFMU in Summer 2007: Delicious Dish with Tom & Spike!) Spike begins to discuss the relative levels of sugars in organic vs. non-organic tarts, but he's derailed by a crust buildup in his throat. Tom leaves him to finish his snack and wishes him a happy Thanksgiving. Tom was rusty like Jay-Z after missing the show last week, and the warm and fuzzy Spike threw his rhythms off. Tom feels like the Kingdom Come track featuring John Legend instead of the hott ones produced by Denny Blaze. Tom also thinks Jay-Z should repel Coldplay’s Chris Martin (Mike the Associate Producer is a huge fan) from his record instead of beckoning him towards it.

- Sam calls (starts at 39:55) while en route to a friend’s house to bake a pecan pie to check up on Tom's Thanksgiving plans. Tom will see his family and eat just like Spike. Sam thinks that sounds like a lot of fun and wants to know Tom’s favorite Thanksgiving food item. Tom likes mashed potatoes, but he isn’t, as Sam suggests, a “Mashed Potatoes Guy”. Sam likes the dark turkey meat, so Tom declares him a "Dark Meat Man". He embraces the moniker, explaining that while he still enjoys the entire bird, he switched over to darkside. Sam continues to delve into the minutiae of his holiday eating habits by noting his love of asparagus. However, he gets really bothered when his aunt taints it with some kind of egg-based concoction, rendering it kinda gross. Tom’s heard enough and tells him to shut up.

- Gabriel calls (starts at 43:44) to ask Tom if he attended a show last week by the indie rock band Supertongue. Tom wasn’t there because he's never heard of them, but Gabriel assures him that they played a good show. He also went to the boring release party for the new Spy magazine anthology, and he thought Tom would appreciate that he spotted Mad Money'sJim Cramer. While he was excited to see Tom's hero, he was too scared to approach him because of his high energy levels. Cramer was talking to Spy co-founder and current Vanity Fair editor, Graydon Carter (presumably schooling him in punk rock history), and the duo did not present a good vibe for Gabriel. Based on this call, Tom concludes that the dry-erase board in the studio might be too energetic for Gabriel to handle. Tom thinks Gabriel missed an opportunity to go up to Cramer and entertain him with an unforgettable dance. Gabriel says he isn't a skilled dancer, but he might try it the next time. Tom demands a free copy of the Spy book and dismisses him until he delivers it. The Kid didn't like getting taunted with the book and then having Jim Cramer waved in his face on top of that.

Two Leg Minimum: America wasn't ready for the site of a unidexter Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils

- Tom discusses (starts at 48:31) the major bummer of Rupert Murdoch pulling the plug on the O.J. Simpsons special he worked on earlier this year. He's generally not a huge fan of this polarizing figure, but O.J. brought the funny for this project. (I heard that ZAZ and Barry Sobel were brought in for some punch-up.) Tom reveals that the "If I Did It" angle was just part of what the show was all about. It was also about sketch comedy! Tom says that O.J. played both the casting agent and the aspiring Tarzan in a "shockingly funny" version of the Cook and Moore classic, "One Leg Too Few". I was very curious about O.J.'s hypothetical strategy for the double-murder, so I bought one of the recalled books on eBay for $1,350. A good portion of the book is about recent adjustments to his golf swing, his perceived Oscar snub for his work in Capricorn One, and, oddly, his love of 1980s "college rock" (the chapter on The Windbreakers is particularly illuminating), but there is this nugget buried on page 237: "Pretty much the way it happened, but not as messy." Like most people, my opinion of O.J. swings like a pendulum, but he won me over again with this bold, riveting tome. If you need an O.J. fix, you can always Get Juiced.

- Weirder Jon calls (starts at 50:06) to offer Tom a Coldplay spoof since he previously mentioned that Chris Martin should not be meddling with Jay-Z’s stuff. WJ composed a sub-Weird Al parody of “Clocks” called “Stinks”. Tom is initially hesitant to give the go-ahead to something that is not as good as Weird Al, but he agrees to give it a listen. Prior to the performance, there is a brief discussion about the nuances and relative awfulness of parody and satire. Tom thinks they are both terrible, while WJ can’t offer an opinion because he's not privy to the distinction. Tom’s sick of hearing the unfuns talk about satire, which WJ believes is the thinking man’s parody. Tom prefers jokes he can laugh at, so he’s ready to here a family-friendly, non-indie rockappella rendition of the ubiquitous Coldplay smash.

First Verse:

You hear this song everywhere you go

Cheesecake Factory or Home Depot

And a new ruling by the FCC

Every movie preview has to include me

And an antiseptic sound like Lemon Pledge

Radiohead without an edge

10 years, where will you see this band?

Summer concert series at Rye Playland

At this point, WJ modulates the phrase “Coldplay stinks” to resemble the piano melody. Tom wants more, but WJ did not memorize the second verse. He's shocked that he wasn’t already listening to a dial tone. Tom is disappointed that WJ can’t deliver on the big stage like the people on America's Got Talent. Tom correctly points out that parody is a tough business that requires proper preparation. WJ says he was simply giving the condensed, elevator pitch” version of the song. My verdict: it lacked the edge of "When Nerds Talk". He selected Coldplay as the target of his poison-pen lampoon because the song annoyed him during a recent trip to Atlantic City. After taking a financial bath at the Borgata, he shifted to Bally’s, where Coldplay were playing. During his stay, WJ was able to sample some of the dense, themed buffet food. Despite seemingly specific titles like Bally's' “Virginia City” and Showboat's “French Quarter”, the exact same food emerges from a giant kitchen labeled ATLANTIC CITY. Regional and ethnic signage aside, you’ll still find old macaroni and cheese wherever you may roam.

WJ never imagined that he could run the table with his Coldplay cover since he expected to get a click as soon as he said “spoof”. Tom asks him how this feat makes him feel, but he can’t resist wielding his power to end the call prior to a proper response. He was done with Weirder Jon. The hang-up makes Tom feel very good, and he hopes that everyone can taste this power at some point.

Mr. Blueboid on my shoulder: Rare Billy Crystal screen test for Disney's aborted Song of the South II: The Legend of Uncle Remus's Gold

- Tom weighs in (starts at 56:29) on the widely-circulated clip of the horrible event in the world of comedy that took place this past weekend. Tom's take is that people will sometimes take the stage in an attempt to enter risky or edgy territory. This can often be a dangerous tactic because performers will overreach and end up falling on their faces. In the process, they offend everyone in the audience and make fools out of themselves. Tom doesn't think there is any level of apology that could allow him to forgive this horrible incident. He needs a lot more than what he's seen so far to unsee what he saw. Tom is briefly interrupted by Josh Falken, who welcomes him to WarGames, presumably looking for a chess partner. Tom turns the audio off on his WOPR machine to avoid further intrusions.

Tom continues to say that a professional comic -- somebody whose job it is to make us laugh -- should know better. A seasoned performer should have a better sense of what is offensive before they go up on stage to try something. While you may think you are being poignant and funny, you are actually walking into career suicide. Tom isn't sure if Billy Crystal has issued an official apology, but he's got a long way to go before he'll get any forgiveness from The Kid. Tom thinks he should be ashamed of himself for what he did at the Comic Relief show. Tom wants to play the audio of the performance so the listeners can judge whether this is appropriate comedic material. He sets the scene. It’s the Comic Relief benefit for the people affected by the destruction of hurricane Katrina. We see a framed silhouette of a man playing a clarinet. It’s Crystal shuffling onto the stage to bamboozle the audience with Lester, his horrible “jazzman” character. Before the clip starts, Tom issues a disclaimer: while the clip is “clean” by FCC standards, it may not be suitable for airplay on artistic grounds.

The strains of the clarinet give way to gentle piano as Lester announces that he grew up in New Orleans and lived in the Ninth Ward most of his “tres cool” life. Tom’s reaction to this statement is the wholly appropriate “Oh, boy.” His father was a trumpet player in the Army band, and he was also a skilled bugle player. When he played “Taps”, it was a clear signal that the war machine fled, the Captain was most certainly dead, and he meant something to somebody. His father performed the song in the style of the blues, and Lester gives a brief sample of his playing style: “Bop-do-dwee. Bop-do-zow. Bopdozow, Bobdozow, Bopdozow.” That sounds more like a Batman fight scene than the blues, but Crystal, as an authentic bluesman, knows more about that stuff than I do. I read an interview with him last year, and he said that his favorite blues song was “Pickin' Cotton Blues” by Blueshammer. Dude knows his stuff.

Guided By Voices - "Captain’s Dead"

At this point, Mike asks if he Crystal was wearing blackface. While he didn’t actually use any makeup, he opted for “audio blackface” to create a theater of the mind. This allows the audience to apply their own mental blackface. The approach allowed Crystal to embody the spirit not of an old “jazzman” (i.e., “black guy”), but, rather, the spirit of the most racist man on Earth. Tom considers the piece to be his audition/campaign video for the Grand Wizard vacancy in the Ninth Ward branch of the Ku Klux Klan. When Lester came of age, he wanted to play the horn, so he went up to his dad and said, “Pops, I want to be a musician.” His father responded by telling him to take up the clarinet instead of the trumpet. Lester wants to know why. His father directs him to the calloused ridge over his lip, an affliction that makes the chicks not want to kiss trumpet players. Lester took one look at that lip and decided to become a clarinet player. Ladies Love Lester! The audience nervously chuckles, and Lester then trots out his catchphrase: “Can you dig that? I know that you could.” Tom will give Crystal that one because he’s certain he won’t use it again.

So then World War II came “bopping around” (as World Wars are wont to do -- so jaunty!), and they sent Pops to the South Pacific. Not to play the horn, but to fight. Lester was 14 when he left, and since he could play the “licorice stick” pretty good, he secured a job at the Barker Brothers funeral home. He played in the band that marches down the street, leading the casket on its way to Heaven. Once again, Lester asks the audience if this is something they can dig. Tom is not a fan of the term “licorice stick” and thinks the clarinet in a stupid instrument. Tom thinks there is a good chance that you’re an idiot if this is your instrument of choice. Tom also begins keeping count of the dig it queries and puts the over/under at 7. (The final tally was 8.)

During the war, the funeral business was sad, but steady. At age 16, Lester marched down the street, leading his father’s procession, the American flag draped over his coffin. His six brothers and sisters marched behind him as he strutted up the way to bring him to his sleeping place. This marked the only time that “Taps” was played on the clarinet. Crystal wonders if the audience can dig this musical anomaly. It’s unclear if they can in fact dig this because their only response is to rustle in their seats and emit nervous coughs. As Tom points out, they are clearly just wondering when this terror will stop. There was a red-painted house on the corner right before the cemetery, and every time Lester would strut by the street, he would spot a beautiful girl in a sweet-looking dress on the porch. She’d smile at Lester; he’d smile back ‘cause he ain’t stupid, you know. Her name was Marjorie Green, and they’ve been exchanging smiles for over 50 years. Crystal was certain that everyone could dig this half-century of pleasantries. The red house was their house, and it's where they raised their three kids -- Lester, Jr., Marjorie, Jr., and little Lestorie.

Shudder To Think - "Red House"

Tom mentions that Crystal is pointing out the home by gesturing to the tastefully done Comic Relief set: a demolished New Orleans street scene. Tom thinks this is a great backdrop for all the fun comedy the performers were doling out. He can’t think of anyone who wouldn't enjoy seeing Rita Rudner do her act in front of a demolished, reconstructed home. Tom found the stagecraft unnecessary because everyone could easily understand the purpose of the charity event without having to see a recreation of a New Orleans street. Anyway, Lester and Marjorie had a lot of laughs and made a lot of music in that house. His band would jam every day right over dare on that porch. Tom didn’t dig that and has a question of his own: “What is that?” The mangled syntax prompts Tom to declare the performance the most offensive thing ever. Lester and Marji had been through a lot of storms in that house, and then they heard about this angry woman named KatRINA. Tom finds this personification and pronunciation yucky and concludes that Crystal probably wrote this entire piece himself. Tom imagines Crystal showing a draft to Whoopi and Robin, who declared it terrible, but admitted their material was not much better. A story that was quickly pulled from Drudge suggested that New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin worked on an early draft, but left the project over "extreme creative differences". He wanted to nix the "jazzman" and do a spin on Willy Wonka with Crystal serving as his dutiful Oompa Loompa.

The couple decided to stay, even though Lester knew how hard it is to deal with an angry woman. The rustling crowd digs their commitment. The wind started blowing real hard, and they could feel the house standing there and fighting its ground. A hard rain started falling, and it felt like being inside Buddy Rich’s drum when he was beating on it. However, the difference between God and Buddy Rich was that Buddy Rich knew when it was time to quit. Tom provides a rim shot. The house was shaking so loud, they thought it was gonna blow away, leaving them to wake up in Munchkinland. Whether they want to or not, the audience was marked down for digging that fanciful scenario. Lester looked out the crack in the window and saw Edgar Clayton’s Dodge Dart, which had been sitting on blocks in his yard for 10 years. Locals were known to call it “The Planter”. The waters had pushed it sailing down the street, so Lester told Marjorie to get her old ass upstairs ASAP. They ascended the stairs faster then they did on their honeymoon night. Tom cackles wildly at this joke. As did I.

The water just tore into the house. Lester was praying that it wasn’t gonna wash away, because he likes going to the other side of town, he just didn’t want to do it in his house. The crowd digs his disinterest in housesurfing, and Tom congratulates Crystal for constructing something that resembles a joke after five minutes. Lester grabbed whatever he could find -- his hat, his horn, his wife, and that American flag that was on his dad’s coffin. Tom mentions that Crystal is doing his standard, pinched-face old man look to go along with his old-man gait. Tom is amazed that Michael Richards is getting so much grief because he would have been fine if he just made it clear he was doing a character and occasionally held up a card with the toll-free Comic Relief number.

They made their way to the window, and all Lester saw was rooftops. He unwrapped the flag from its crisp, triangular fold and started waving it out the window. He saw Lamar Guidry coming down the street in his bass boat. Tom’s not sure if he can play anymore of it, and asks Mike if it’s the worst thing he’s ever played on the show. Guidry sees the flag as Lester somehow got Marjorie out of the window. He dives into the water to pull her into his boat. Lester wraps himself in the flag and picks up his horn -- ‘cause you never know when there’s gonna be a gig -- and the trio ended up at the Superdome with 30,000 other cats. It wasn’t even a game. It was a shame. No food, no water, no turlets. Turlets!!!!!! Tom’s reluctance to continue is wiped away by the term. They also got no help, which isn’t indicative of the American Lester has come to know. He wonders how the hell the government could forget about the displaced residents. He can forget his keys or what he had for breakfast, but he could never forget an entire city and its people. Lester reminds us that it took five days for President Bush to arrive, which makes sense because it took Vice-President Cheney two days to tell us that he shot his friend in the face. This riles up the crowd, and the cheap partisan jokes made Tom feel even worse for his buddies in the White House. Tom speculates that the only reason they put on the benefit was so Crystal could do his leftover Cheney joke he wrote in March.

Lester and Marjorie were put on a bus and sent to Houston, Texas. Lester doesn’t mind Houston, where he played many gigs over the years, but it’s just not the same as being home. They got a small, decent place, and their only décor item was the American flag. Lester can’t bear to put it up because America forget about them. Lester believes that the folks in Washing-TON don’t think that all the displaced folks in the Gulf Coast is a bad thing. They don’t want the people to return to the area because come voting time -- just like a few weeks ago – they, too, will become homeless. When angry, righteous folks come together that’s a whole ‘nother tidal wave. The crowd really digs that one and shows it by cheering. Tom is already feeling bad for Bush and doesn’t think the people of New Orleans should have to endure more suffering. As if the angry lady wasn’t enough, now they’ve got an L.A.-based multi-millionaire shuffling up on stage pretending to be some old Afro-American, heaping the final indignity on the ailing city.

Lester misses his band and making music because when you got the blues and you can’t play them, it’s tough. Sometimes, Lester will close his eyes and imagine that he’s out there on the porch playing jazz for his kids, Marjorie tapping her foot and smiling. Lester wants to go home, but he lacks a home to go home to. As a result, this desired return is what the French would call a tad “difficile”. He’s just an old clarinet man, but he does have a bizarre idea for Mr. Bush. He wants the President to stop the war for one day and redirect that money to rebuild New Orleans. The crowd wasn’t asked, but their applause suggests big-time digging. The positive reception makes Lester get carried away by suggesting a two-day stoppage. He wants to put an end to blowing up stuff in Iraq, and start building up New Orleans instead. Tom thinks this is a deeply-flawed plan considering that the soldiers need daily food and supplies. Tom suggests that ending the war is a more feasible and worthwhile goal than intermittent stoppages to suit the whim of a comedian. He also proposes Billy Crystal’s house as a potential demolition cite.

Lester claims he respects the President because he’s the leader of the band, but, damn, he doesn’t think he really gets it. Bush has his own residence -- for a couple of years, anyway. Zing! But not really. Sorry, Lester, but Bush will not be homeless come 2008. His family is rich. Just like Billy Crystal. Lester asks Bush, who I assume was not in attendance, if he knows how it feels to be one of them. Someone in the crowd answers for him with a “Hell, no”, and this sends Lester into song (was this a Coldplay spoof?):

Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans. And miss it, each night and each day.

I know I’m not wrong, the feelings getting stronger, the longer I stay away.

Mr. Moss-colored vines, the tall sugar pines, where mockingboids come to play.

This has Tom reaching for his suicide machine and searching for a vein for IV insertion. Tom points out that Song of the South has rightfully been driven out of circulation and will soon only be available for historical purposes. On the other hand, you’ve got Crystal on stage at a benefit being aired on Home Box Office talking about turlets and mockingboids. Unless he apologized on Leno last night, Tom doesn’t understand how he is not being driven out of his mansion. Tom wants Crystal to apologize via satellite on Craig Ferguson’s program.

My recommendation for Lester: drape yourself in that American flag, head to NYC just like that cat from Kazakhstan, bop on over to B.B. King’s, check out some authentic German power metal or Scandinavian grindcore, get your groove back, and then start tooting that horn. Can you dig that? Probably not. While Crystal's stunt slipped under the pop culture radar, the incorrigible Michael Richards appears to be enjoying his return to the spotlight. Here is a clip of him walking his dog in L.A. this past weekend:

What are the odds that the voice of Ace is recast?

- Tim from Ellensburg, WA, calls (starts at 1:18) to say that Crystal appeared to be doing a bizarro riff on the old-timey Garrison Keillor type of humor. Tom wonders if there is such as thing as Garrison Keillor humor, and Tim amends his comment to a Garrison Keillor-like character. Tom decides that he, too, needs to start doing some character work on the show. Tim also points out that Crystal's "Washing-TON" was a fake, white-jazz term that can be found in the work of Frank Zappa. Tom thinks that makes for a great combo and wishes to add Randy Newman to create the trifecta. Tom thinks Newman writes OK songs, but he doesn’t want to hear him sing them. Tom wants help in developing his new character.

- Speaking of characters, Larry the Perv pushes (starts at 1:19) Tom back into suicidal mode by showing how not to create a viable character for the airwaves. Larry's home for Thanksgiving on a 5-day pass from "school". He claims he's enrolled in the world-renowned custodial program at the Teaneck campus of Fairleigh Dickinson University. He's also studying filmmakin' because he thought he'd be taken more seriously as a directuh if he had a framed piece of paper on his wall there. Larry requests “Monster Mash”, so that does it for him.

Tom solicits help with developing a character for his one-man show, and someone in the FOT Chat suggests the name of Dr. Armond G. Dibblestein. Mike suggests drunkenness as a character trait, although Tom makes it clear that he won't do a punchline-driven, Foster Brooks routine. In addition to being drunk, the character will be old. He was initially wheelchair-bound, but Tom scraps that idea.

- Stephen in Chicago calls (starts at 1:24) to express his shock at the premeditated offensiveness of the Crystal routine. He can understand a stand-up comic losing his cool when confronted with a heckler, but, as Tom points out, Crystal did a dress rehearsal for his performance. Tom thinks Michael Richards is a complete moron who should be run out of the entertainment business for his actions, but at least he didn't craft his material. Stephen thinks Tom's character should be a Vietnam veteran. Tom likes it and fleshes it out with a backstory of being disgruntled because he was forgotten by the American government and disowned by his daughter. The look of this character also starts to take shape: Tom will go on stage wearing a fake, unkempt, Catfish Hunter-ish mustache and either a headband or a green combat jacket.

- Jen in chilly Philadelphia leads (starts at 1:26) with a Travis Bickle “Are you talkin’ to me?”, but she's actually lounging on the couch watching Ghost on AMC. This is not a gritty urban drama directed by Martin Scorsese in the 1970s. This is a 1990 Jerry Zucker Swayze vehicle. She thinks that a good character name would have something to do with "toes" or "margarine". At least that's what I think she said. I think Jen had a few too many of nem Frank's Black Cherry Wishniak's before calling. Mike suggests Iggy, and Tom adds it to the list.

- John Junk calls (starts at 1:27) with an intriguing concept: mixing an effete Truman Capote demeanor with the Vietnam vet angle, giving the character a license to be outrageous. Tom decides it's too light -- he wants this character to be heavy.

- Megan calls (starts at 1:28) from on top of the Ted Leo building (the tallest in the town) in fancy Bloomfield to discuss the extent to which her boyfriend is obsessed with Tom and The Best Show. Megan assures Tom that it's no cause for alarm because she doesn't think he's a stalker. However, he can barely go an hour without mentioning the program, especially his favorite callers like Bryce and Philly Boy Roy. Megan also heard a lot about Petey's legendary "Bill Purray" call. Megan is also a fan, but she's able to make it through a day without referencing it. Megan decided that she had to call to inform Tom of his superfan after an incident that occurred while they were watching television. Her boyfriend announced that Tom loved the show that was on, and she made the mistake of asking which Tom. He was surprised at the need for clarification because he felt that she should know that his default Tom is Tom Scharpling. Tom appreciates Megan putting up with all this and says he's sorry that he likes him so much. Megan thinks Tom is a good person to like, but she warned her boyfriend that she would share the story on the air. Megan declines to give his identity per his request, although she does say that he calls from time to time. (My guess: Blue Willie.) He's never met Tom face-to-face because school or work prohibited his attendance at the two previous post-show meet-ups. Tom is planning a holiday event next month, and Megan requests that it doesn't take place on December 19th, which is her birthday. Tom thinks the best birthday gift she can give her boyfriend is to attend The Best Show meet-up instead of celebrating her birthday by doing anything she would want to do. Megan confirms that there will by candy bars and also wants a birthday gift from Tom. If it's on the 19th, Tom agrees to give her a present.

- Tom got a private message from soft-serve Geeep, who caused last week's show to be canceled because he lacked the guts to call on 11/7. His idea for a character is a DJ who plays music. In other words, he thinks the bit stinks. Tom had three piles of CDs at the ready, but he will move on to the next round of chit-chat because Geeep was compelled to be a wiseguy. Tom goes back into the workshop to give the character regrets about voting for Reagan and flashbacks that make him unable to hold down a job, such as a bus driver. In 2004, he was horrified by the Swift Boat attacks on John Kerry during the Presidential campaign. He can't understand how they could disparage a fellow Vietnam vet. At this point in the one-man show, dramatic lighting would replicate bombs going off behind him as he criticized President Bush's lack of military experience. Someone in the chat wants the character to be Kerry's "Army lover", but Tom doesn't dig the idea because this is a statement about America, not sex talk.

Tom's vetoes a series of potential character names: Iggy, Toeless, Soft Shoe, Geeeep, Graybeard, Charlie Horse, Baked Beans, and Eeyore. And then Mike hits it: Dutch. Tom advises the New York theater scene to get ready for his arrival. Dutch will actually be one of four characters in the show. One of the other characters will be an anorexic teenager. Tom is the new John Leguizamo!

- Matt from Union calls (starts at 1:39) to suggest “Sausage Neck” as a character name, but Tom sticks with Dutch. Matt is willing to donate a tough t-shirt he had in first grade to the wardrobe department. It featured the text "Kill 'Em All -- Let God Sort 'Em Out!" Tom thinks that is a philosophy that Dutch once espoused, but he's no longer down with mass genocide. Tom tests out a riff in which Dutch rants about GWB hiding out in the National Guard with assistance from his Daddy, but then Matt tries to convert Dutch into an old, washed-up Jewish comedian. Tom wants no part of it. Dutch ain’t no old comedian. Tom has a feel for Dutch and wants to establish a sense of place at the start of the show. Dutch will be wiping off a wrench with a rag to indicate that he's working at a repair shop on Muffler Row. He'll inform a customer that their car will be ready tomorrow after they receive the ordered part. He will also recommend changing brake pads every 10,000 miles. A patch on his camouflage jacket will mark him as a former member of the 109th battalion.

- Joe Movie Guy seeks (starts at 1:58) insight from Tom on the movies that have left their mark on our culture. He became enamored with a cinephile teacher, who inspired him to dip into the classics, such as Citizen Kane, Casablanca, and Mallrats. Tom's choice is Clifford. The first film that the teacher turned the caller onto was Akira Kurosawa's Rashomon. The caller says the name with an offensive Japanese accent, and Tom wants to know what made him say it like that. He says he was trying to respect how some people approach linguistics. (Book_em-dano is 100% Japanese and doesn’t even say it that way.) Tom wonders if he's testing out a Japanese character, but he claims he's too banal to construct one. He directs Tom to hang up on him just like he's done twice before. Tom obliges, making him a three-time loser: Bronze, Silver, and Gold.

- Tom opens (starts at 2:04) a package he received from Purple Shirt. Prior to a recent trip to Russia, Tom proposed an art project that required PS to take a picture of himself holding a domestically-purchased Snickers bar in front of the Kremlin. Upon returning to the U.S., PS was supposed to make two copies of the picture on edible paper, which would become a tasty wrapping for the bar. He was then to take the two edible copies to the WFMU studios -- one for him, and one for Tom -- for a candy feast. Tom is already leery of consuming the Snickers because it was stored amidst PS's underwear. Whenever Tom opens a package from a listener, he expects to find a severed hand or some cockroaches. In this case, PS included the picture, the corresponding Snickers bar, and a bonus Russian Snickers bar. However, the bar is not wrapped in edible paper, so Tom will follow-up with PS next week. Tom declares American chocolate the best on the planet.

- A caller wants (starts at 2:07) to know if Tom saw the new James Blond movie this past weekend. Tom is not familiar with that franchise, so the caller explains that it's a Russian-produced, D-grade knockoff with Stacey Keach in the title role and Suzanne Somers as the Blond Girl. The plot involves Blond trying to prevent the baddie from blowing up The Wiz on Route 22. The film is currently screening in the caller's head and at Cinema 17 in Secaucus. Tom senses that the caller is about to break into laughter, but he says he was just out of breath because he was running while he was talking. Tom initiates a game of Make Me Laugh, and the caller provides some more unfunny plot details as a warm-up. During the big getaway scene, Keach pulls Somers onto a 50-cc moped and they start swerving all over Route 22. They abandon the vehicle and start running down the road away from the flagship The Wiz outlet. The end. The caller admits he has nothing to make Tom laugh, which elicits a mild pity chuckle from Tom. Tom tries to tie it up by asking the caller about his Thanksgiving plans: glazed ham, turkey, fixins, and football. Tom asks if the fixins will be consumed at a Roy Rogers, and the caller does a patronizing fake laugh that gets him booted.

- A 20-year-old caller needs (starts at 2:12) advice on a better way to deal with his family on Thanksgiving. His senile grandparents are racist, while the other side of his family is not racist. As a result, they tend to get into huge arguments, so he'll resort to drinking until he's immobilized. The television serves as a launching point for the racist tirades, which leads the caller's father to flip out and inform them that their language is inappropriate for his household. The grandparents are momentarily stabilized into an awkward silence, but they will often start it up again after a few drinks. Tom's solution is to unite the family against their views by circling them, clapping their hands, and chanting "racist" whenever they get going. Tom directs the caller to scare the grandparents by swinging the gravy boat around like a nut, while being careful to avoid any spillage. The caller will then increase the volume of his chants and swoop down right in his grandmother's face. He will then use a pre-arranged hand signal to silence the chants. The caller thinks that might work, but just in case, he wants Tom to tell him how to slip them a mickey. Tom refuses to assist him in drugging his grandparents, and suggests a non-narcotic alternative: tell them that the family moved to a local Denny's.

Tom comes up with a variant on his original idea. Before the dinner, the caller catches his grandfather alone in the corner and gives him an intense lecture: "You listen to me. You're allowed to say 25 words tonight. 25 words the whole night. You use them sparingly. You go past that 25th word, you're gonna get it! You got me?" Problem solved! However, a new dilemma arises: Tom can't decide if Cameron Crowe's best movie is Elizabethtown, with its preachy, drawn-out message, or Vanilla Sky, a failure on all fronts.

- Tom closes out the show (starts at 2:20) with the classic Build A Movie game. Three people. One genre. Hott new movie.

*****

Pitched by: Fred

Title: Queens Boulevard

Genre: Science Fiction

Director: Jim Jarmusch

Cast: Peter Lorre, Peter Falk, and Peter Fonda

Tom declines to move forward on the project because he doesn't trust Fred's angle. Fred calls back, and Tom offers him an audition for Dutch.

*****

- Sathington interrupts (starts at 2:25) the game to try to get Von Scharpling back together. Tom will put the reunion in the mix. Let's hope this is more successful than the Big Dipper quest.

*****

Pitched by: ?

Title: Back To Back (European title: The Curse of the C**ksucking Squagels)

Genre: Horror/Comedy

Director: Anthony Minghella

Cast: David Cross, Ian McShane, and Jables

In this parody of the Saw films, McShane plays the Jigsaw character, who tortures comedians. Jack Black inherits a warehouse to run his tube socks business. Cross and Black are two guys driving in a pick-up truck to their big class reunion. The truck flips over, and they wake up to discover that they've been worked on by McShane's Dr. Moreau-like figure. Like the film All Of Me, one of them would feel something, and the other would respond to it. The truck flips over, and they get mashed together into a "flesh cube". Cross and Black are fused together at the posterior as they are running from a madman (McShane) in the woods. The climactic battle will take place in a mirrored nonagon.

*****

Pitched by: Teeth Whitener

Title: The 'burbs 2

Genre: Comedy

Director: Joe Dante

Cast: Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, and Andy Kindler

Shawn and Marlon are upwardly mobile Ad men who own two houses. They want to acquire the house in between them so they can construct one giant house. Andy Kindler just inherited that middle house, and he's not going to roll over in this battle. He shoots his sprinkler on their fancy new car, and they retaliate by hosting a wacky pool party during Kindler's gathering to honor his deceased grandmother. In the end, all of their lives are in ruins. Shawn and Marlon lose their jobs, and Andy Kindler's fiancee think he's become a creep. The plot reminds Whitener of the Devito-and-Lawrence film, What's The Worst That Could Happen?. Tom GOMPs him because he suspects he's writing down Tom's ideas.

*****

Pitched by: Tommert

Title: n/a

Genre: Romantic Horror

Cast: Jim Carrey, Penelope Cruz, and ?

You gotta come complete. Tom will not fill in the blanks.

*****

Pitched by: ?

Co-written by: Mike the Associate Producer

Title: Old Lady Foot Locker

Genre: Drug Comedy

Co-Directors: Darren Aronofsky and Gary David Goldberg

Cast: Michael J. Fox (1980s-era), Ellen Burstyn (a bit younger than she is now), and Ashton Kutcher (current)

Fox and Kutcher are spoiled, pothead brothers, and their grandmother (Burstyn) announces that she will leave all of her money to the first one who can stop smoking crippler for a month. There will, of course, also be a scene of Burstyn accidentally getting high.

*****

Pitched by: Get Off My Bone

Title: Last Comic Standing

Genre: Comedy/Adventure

Director: Bob Odenkirk

Cast: Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, and Billy Crystal

The trio are going to do Comic Relief for a charity event being held on some island. When the curtain goes up, they see a collection of hunters in Jeeps and full gear. They realize that they will be hunted, along with other comics, such as Rita Rudner, Bobby Slayton, Margaret Cho, Steven Wright, Dane Cook, Michael Richards (can't afford him), Bobby Collins, Morecambe and Wise, and the Frangela duo. Dane Cook wins! He's the punk!

*****

- Liz from Fort Worthless calls (starts at 2:43) to kill the momentum by saying she was sold on My Morning Jacket after seeing them live. Not sticking to the topic and calling on a bad phone = 7 strikes against you.

*****

Pitched by: Christopher from Rhode Island

Title: I'm Archie Bunker!

Genre: Holiday Comedy

Director: Spike Lee

Cast: Brian Dennehy, Brian Cox, and Carroll O'Connor

O'Connor plays himself as he returns to his hometown for the big holiday celebration. Dennehy and Cox are guys from the town who watched O'Connor rise to fame as Archie Bunker. In an interview clip, we see O'Connor mention that he modeled the character after someone from his hometown. Dennehy and Cox both think they were the inspiration. They declare war on each other and havoc ensues.

*****

Pitched by: Chris L

Co-written by: Mike the Associate Producer

Title: Punk '77: The Rise of the Greatest Scene the World Has Ever Known

Genre: Earnest Rock Drama

Director: Liam Lynch

Cast: A young Shelley Duvall*, Henry Rollins, Werner Herzog

Herzog plays Sire Records impresario Seymour Stein and both Ertegun brothers, Duvall plays Tom Verlaine, and Rollins plays Patti Smith.

*If it was Shelley Long, the film would have been a Quarterflash bio-pic with Long playing Rindy Ross.

*****

Pitched by: Billy

Title: Little Mr. Sunshine

Genre: Sunny Summertime Indie Flick Involving (Treasure) Hunting.

Director: Wayne Wang

Cast: Randy Quaid, Dabney Coleman, and Richard Marx

Quaid and Marx are brothers who were in a band, but the guy at the record label convinced Marx to kick Quaid out for being too goofy-looking. However, Quaid was solely responsible for their treasure of songwriting gold, and now they've got the big summertime concert at the Bandshell in Central Park. Uh oh ...

*****

Pitched by: No Smoke

Title: Thank You For Not Smoking

Genre: Western

Director: Tom Shadyac

Cast: Robert Blake, Alex Karras, Ryan O'Neal

Tom refuses to greenlight any No Smoke project because he hates him so much.

*****

Pitched by: Laurie

Title: The Apology (European title: Soul Man 2: Fully Loaded For Racism)

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Director: Larry Charles

Cast: Rae Dawn Chong, Peter Gallagher, and Michael Richards

RDC gets her big break in Hollywood as a publicist for Michael Richards. All of a sudden, her boss goes off on a huge tirade, not unlike his antics at the Laugh Factory. Gallagher plays the Seinfeld type guy who is especially appalled by Richards' behavior since his name is on the hit show that Richards starred in. Gallagher wants RDC to get Richards to apologize on national television. The only problem is that Richards is nuts, and RDC now hates him for being so offensive. The romance angle is fading away, so Laurie suggests a torrid affair between RDC and Gallagher's eyebrows. Tom thinks that's weird.

*****

The show ends with Tom ditching a non-English-speaking caller and getting a call from the Goshen trolls.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: DUTCH! DUTCH! DUTCH!

Thanks again to Jerry Cantrell for filling in for Tom on 11/14! Great job, son! Loved the Jack Endino anecdote and the Pacific Northwest-heavy playlist: U-Men! Love Battery! Tad! Steven "Jesse" Bernstein! Green River! Fastbacks! Malfunkshun! Seaweed! Hey, wait a minute. You just threw on one of those old Sub Pop samplers! Ah, the grunge years.

And, finally ... SUPERTONGUE!

Posted by Omar at 11:01 AM | Permalink | Comments

"The people who buy music are the people who don't know how to download it, so they don't have any way of knowing what people on the internet are saying about the new Jay-Z album, and they probably wouldn't care anyway."

Posted by x amount at 9:43 PM | Permalink | Comments

Not being killed by a heart surgeon.

Posted by x amount at 5:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

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Nestled within the power balladry and sugary stripper anthems of Def Leppard's Hysteria is "Gods Of War", a rare detour into political rock 'n roll music with its artillery fire intro (it's the pop precursor to Metallica's "One"!), Thatcher and Reagan audio snippets, and a futility-of-war philosophy borrowed from original Cold War Kid, Joshua Falken. It also starts off what has become my favorite trio on the album -- while glorious, the singles start to exhibit diminishing returns after hearing them 4,608 times. As Reagan's hawkish warning fades, the vaguely garagey "Don't Shoot Shotgun" returns the titular weapon to its rightful place as sexytime stand-in. The stretch concludes with "Run Riot", a straight-ahead stomper that sets the stage for the album's climax in the form of the title track.

Here are the remastered "Mutt" Lange morsels:

Def Leppard - "Gods Of War"
Def Leppard - "Don't Shoot Shotgun"
Def Leppard - "Run Riot"

Bonus Track:

Def Leppard - "I Wanna Be Your Hero" (b-side)

( Click here to buy the 2-CD Deluxe Edition of Hysteria)

Posted by Omar at 8:18 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 1:32 PM | Permalink | Comments

"A check of Craigslist's San Diego site yesterday showed such items as Chargers tickets, cars, trucks, bikes, electronics, household items and a children's computer starter kit, which included a keyboard, mouse and software."

(but no free baby boy.)

Posted by x amount at 11:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

Many people might think the official start of the holiday season is when Starbucks switches to the red cups or when that first old lady gets trampled on Black Friday, but it's actually rocking out to a post-Thanksgiving viewing of Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas. So get on that.

Posted by Omar at 12:55 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 8:50 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 3:54 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 1:33 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 10:42 AM | Permalink | Comments

This could have been your life.

Posted by Omar at 8:13 AM | Permalink | Comments

Using the handle "Ford A", Michael Richards gives Let's Go To Prison a 0 on Metacritic:

"Not the best idea for a film. Not by far. Also, poorly acted and the director should be lynched."

Posted by Omar at 7:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

David Milch is working to make sure that the camera is stationed at a tearless and unblinking distance.

Posted by x amount at 3:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

37 Video-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Rent Increase Disaster.

Posted by Omar at 9:30 PM | Permalink | Comments

Puppet Up! Muppets improv. One airing this Monday night before it gets chopped up and spread around.

Posted by x amount at 9:54 AM | Permalink | Comments

Was your dad a GI?

Posted by x amount at 2:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

Nice of the defendant's lawyer to invoke Billy Crystal in the motion.

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While we're all sending invites, I asked Will over to clink forks with us at a tense family dinner.

Posted by x amount at 2:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

Coast.

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Marc Woodworth on the ebullient and unironic beauty of Robert Pollard's single-leg high kick, from Bee Thousand, his recent contribution to Continuum's 33/1/3 series:

1. The act itself: There is the planting of the other foot, the non-kicking foot. Video evidence is inconclusive, but the planting foot seems most often to be the right foot, in which case the preferred kicking foot is the left. Mr. Pollard plants the kicking foot by executing a small but powerful hopping motion, not unlike the one a diver executes on a diving board before leaping into the air.

2. Once the planted foot completes its diver-like hop and braces against the floor of the stage, the kicking foot begins to ascend -- the kicking foot at the end of a stiff leg that is locked from the ankle to hip in a straight line. A bent knee would diminish the effect and has never, to our knowledge, marred even the most challenging effort at the high kick.

3. The shoulders and head move forward as the leg and foot ascend, the motion a punter makes following through after he has kicked the ball. Where are the hands and arms? We hardly see them, but, if we focus on these appendages rather than the leg itself, we note that they are in the air, presumably to balance the body in the act of kicking, of forcing the foot to be at the opposite extreme from where the anatomy of a human body dictates it most usefully should be. The ascending leg and foot and the forward-moving shoulders and head create a bend at the waist, itself not a focus, in the same way the hands and arms are not a focus, for viewers of the event -- the leg commands the eyes and the rest of the body becomes invisible as we watch the astonishing height of the kick. But the kick's power comes from another unseen source -- the core, as a dancer would say, the viscera, the guts, that generates this bodily movement even as it plays no visible part in the movement as visual spectacle.

4. The return -- a form of recoil -- is sudden and therefore becomes a blur, though it is no faster than the upward movement and therefore, somatically speaking, no less visible than the ascending kick which we seem to witness with perfect clarity. The downward motion of the leg and foot is the necessary but post-climactic result of the leg having risen so high, so quickly. The kicking foot reaches the ground -- the stage -- with a matter-of-fact reentry that is -- as quick as it is -- unspectacular. The one-legged high kick is complete.

Posted by Omar at 12:59 PM | Permalink | Comments

House has got my back.

Posted by DOP at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

"I don't have the Fred file tattooed on my eyelids." -- Tom, on his lack of Fred trivia body art

"We're gonna shut this film down." -- Tom, vowing to help his frat brothers wage war against Borat

"Wait, how did you just do that? Did you just play some W.C. Field or something?" -- Tom, wondering how Spike did a dead-on impression of his child-hating hero

"Cold cereal’s not my thing." -- Spike, adding another item to his Don't Do List

"Put your thinking cap on, Ad man, and earn it back." -- Tom, demanding that No Smoke dig deep to regain his respect

"He would clean up down there." -- Tom on Zeph's political prospects in the state of Virginia

"You won’t get any suicide threats over the air anymore." -- Sathington on his newfound emotional stablity

"They owe me a $1. That dump." -- Tom, requesting a refund for having his karaoke rendition of "Cruel To Be Kind" marred by technical difficulties

"You better eat it before he gets the munchies." -- Tom, telling Pothead Dan's mom she needs to get moving on her mint chip ice cream

"It was just hideous." -- August on his last-minute attempt to craft a vampire costume for Halloween

"I'm sorry, Tom." -- August, apologizing for his failure to attempt a sick voice

"Oh, man, that’s crippler." -- Bryce, performing his civic duty by bonging out with his dwindling stash

"Every vote counts -- I made mine count." -- Bryce on his unregistered, write-in vote for "Sugar Magnolia"

"It felt like Jerry's hand came through the TV and was starting to strangle me." -- Bryce on the experience of watching the "Touch Of Grey" video while on acid

"What is this show?" -- Mary B, trying to figure it out

"These weirdos are pretty sticky." -- Tom, warning Mary B about her new followers

"All politics is nonsense. All politics is fake. All politics is pretend. All politics is make believe." - Mary B on the lies of our leaders

"Why am I so boring? I get more boring every week." -- Petey, managing to get a bit exciting by talking about being boring

"One guy looks like he's bowling for more than soup." -- Tom on what may be the heaviest band in the world

"We’re no longer living in a pre-Geeeep world." -- Tristan, on the new AG era for The Best Show

[TBSOWFMU - 11/7/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Chainsaw Kittens - "Sore On The Floor"

( Click here to buy Pop Heiress)

The Wipers - "Mystery"

( Click here to buy The Wipers stuff)

Clinic - "Tusk"

( Click here to buy Visitations on iTunes / Deluxe Version out in US and A on 1/23/07)

Volcano Suns - "Courageous Stunts"

( Click here to buy Thing Of Beauty)

DUSTdevils - "Receiver" (from the Extant EP)

( Click here to download the band's entire discography)

Jay Reatard - "Blood Visions"

( Click here to buy Blood Visions)

Jagshemash. Here are the annotated highlights of a show that was tight like a man's anoose:

- Fred from Queens sneaks into (starts at 22:41) the first slot and makes Tom long for the sound of Spike’s greeting. Fred is back from a hot(t) trip to Israel, and he thought Tom would be happy to hear his voice after an extended hiatus. He thought wrong. He’s surprised that Tom didn’t remember that he was visiting his moms, but Tom informs him that his file is not tattooed on his eyelids for easy reference. Mike asked Fred if he voted, but he was not aware of any election going down. Tom’s not really sure what was going on, either, but “they” told him which line to vote on so he did not have to read the names. After the Democrats crushed the Republicans like Stalin and TOOK POWER in Congress, I wonder if The Kid feels liberated like his buddy Rush Limbaugh? Will Tom still carry the water for his right-wing masters now that Bush is lame like duck? A bit later in the show, Tom said he had been reading about how Bush is not that popular and many Republican candidates tried to distance themselves from his administration. Tom liked him, then he really liked, then he loved him, then gas got expensive, and he hated him. Then gas got cheap, and he liked him again. But now all these other people don’t like him, so he doesn’t like him as much anymore.

Fred wants to know if the TV talks to Tom and if he has magical powers. Tom absolutely does not converse with his teevee, but he does have one magical power. Fred begins trembling with fear that this power will involve his dismissal, but Tom says it's his ability to bring joy to people. Fred was certain it was something else and his fears are realized when Tom cuts him off mid-sentence. Tom laughs at his expert display of his additional powers to deceive and make people disappear. Fred gave Tom a fungo bat, set a ball on the tee, and ran to the outfield to await the high-fly. Tom had no choice but to swing away.

Time Out New York: Bill O'Reilly is a lean, mean prostitute-recommending machine

- Tom discusses (starts 26:05) his trip to the movie theater to see a new moviefilm called Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. The theater was crowded, so Tom had to shove his way to an empty seat. After settling in with his snacks (4 fried Oreos and a "loaded" candy apple), he joined in the chorus of laughter at the titular hero's mockery of stupid Americans. (Rumor has it that the entire Ziegler clan danced around the theater to the sound of the Kazakhstan national anthem.) But then Tom had a horrible feeling warsh over him. He got nervous and his stomach sunk. He realized that he was watching a scene was from an RV trip he took with his Psi Chi boys two years ago. As is customary in the chapter, Tom was serving as a mentor to his younger frat brothers -- Anthony, Dave, and Justin -- from the University of South Carolina. It was his turn to drive the RV and chauffeur them around the country as they indulged their favorite pastimes of getting drunk and picking up strangers.

Tom recalls that Justin alerted everyone to the presence of a hitchhiker, and since frat guys help each other and those in need, they let this weird guy -- the supposed Kazakh journalist Borat Sagdiyev -- on the RV. Tom kept his eyes on the road (his head appears briefly in the film) and heard the guys and their new foreign friend whooping it up in the back. All of a sudden, he sees this scene on the big screen. He now realizes that it was some kind of spoof or put-on, and it made him madder than an anaconda during Rush Week. Tom finds it unacceptable to make his fellow Psi Chi guys look bad. As a result, Tom is announcing a Psi Chi boycott of the film and urges all other Psi Chi members to not see it. Tom hopes they can band together and shut down the #1 film in the country.

Tom didn’t even hear much about the movie and only saw one poster for it, so he doesn’t understand why the theater was so packed. If it has even been reviewed, Tom hopes that it’s getting terrible notices. Tom says it's "not cool" to make fun of his brothers, and these victims of the prank continue to deal with the fallout. Justin is distraught, and Tom had to talk him off the ledge. Anthony doesn’t know that to do with himself. Dave’s kinda happy with it. He came off pretty good. Tom thinks the boycott may be gaining steam until he discovers that the national leadership of Chi Psi has officially condemned the statements made by Tom’s brothers. Tom doesn't agree with their stance and thinks they may need to launch a rogue frat to break ranks with the organization. Tom rejects the notion that his brothers do not speak on behalf of their chapter and thinks it’s disgusting to sell them sell out. A few days ago, Anthony and Justin chose to fight back and filed a lawsuit to restore their good names.

- Chris calls (starts at 32:33) from sunny Hawthorne, NJ (much more beautiful than its CA namesake) to see if he can run the gauntlet and outlast Fred. His mother-in-law is coming to visit, and since he’s in the process of finishing the attic, its contents are littering the living room. He thinks this is fortuitous because the clutter will drive the mother-in-law (I was going to abbreviate that with “m-i-l”, but then realized it was a mere letter away from a Darren Cook joke) out of the house. The stuff is all boxed up, so he’s not too concerned that she will snoop around. The only thing she could go through is the dirty laundry. Literally. His undies. The WHITES. Tom thinks she could tear open a few boxes and wants to know the worst thing she could find. Chris says it would be either a jar of gypsy tears (to repel AIDS) or a bag of "toys", which he admits is a euphemism in order to avoid outright dirty talk. Tom GOMPs him because no filth merchants are allowed on the program. Prediction: his mother-in-law will hear a whirring sound from within a box and discover discover his stash of “devices”.

Wa wa wee wa: W.C. Field's favorite hobbies were the jugglings, disco dance, and extreme misanthropy

- Spike calls (starts at 35:00) and makes Tom kinda wish that Fred called back instead. Tom suspects that Spike is calling from a train depot due to the hustle and bustle in the background. Spike says it was just Howard. Tom wants to know more about this Howard, but Spike says it’s a long story he doesn’t want to get into tonight. I was hoping the mystery man was going to be some leather-clad, misbehaving slave or some eccentric doo-wop enthusiast appraising Spike’s 45s like that scene in Ghost World ("Spike, a tight hair crack is just that -- a crack. I don't collect cracked records!"), but the story was not very long at all. Spike was listening to Howard Stern, the self-proclaimed King of all Media, on the radio.

Tom: So you were playing Howard Stern?
Spike: Yes, I have serious.
Tom: I know you’re serious … so you’re a pretty serious Howard Stern fan?
Spike: Off and on.
Tom: Uh-huh.
Spike: Off and on.
Tom: Okay.
Spike: Also Lynn Samuels, that’s one of the reasons why I got serious.
Tom: Uh-huh, so you got serious about radio, and so you listen to these people?
Spike: Oh yes.
Tom: Mmm hmm.
Spike: I listen to you too--
Tom: Where do you hear them anymore? Howard Stern isn’t even on the radio anymore.
Spike: He’s on serious. On satellite.
Tom: Well, I know he’s always been serious about radio.
Spike: But anyway.
Tom: No, no, no, help me out here. I haven’t heard his show in almost a year.
Spike: Help you out. Okay, well, you know, he’s on serious, so is Lynn Samuels …
Tom: He’s unserious? I thought he was very serious.
Spike: Well, he is now.
Tom: Now he’s serious … well, if he was so serious about radio, where is he?
Spike: No, you just have to pay $13/month.
Tom: How do I pay? What, do I pay K-Rock or something?
Spike: No, he’s not on K-ROCK anymore.
Tom: Who do I pay the $13 to?
Spike: Serious satellite radio.
Tom: Serious satellite radio.
Spike: Yeah.
Tom: What is that like intellectual stuff, like college or something? It’s all educational or something. I like fun shows, Spike.
Spike: Oh, so do I. Lynn Samuels is fun.
Tom: Yeah, but you were talking all about this serious stuff.
Spike: Uh-huh … Speaking of serious stuff…

Spike throwing down a nice segue! He should have his own show on Sirius. Spike went to vote earlier in the day to kick out the village idiots that constantly torment him and voted The American Way. Tom is surprised they let him vote because he thought Spike was off the rolls for another 15 years until he got his privileges back. My guess is that one of Spike’s governmental co-workers pulled some strings or hacked into a computer. While Spike claims to support The American Way, he disagrees with the suffrage rights dictated by the 26th Amendment. He believes that you should only be allowed to vote once you hit 25 years old. He then issues his familiar adaptation of a famous quote from the great W.C. Field: "Children under 25 should never be seen nor heard." Tom pictures Spike as a W.C. Field type and wants him to do an imitation. Spike says those are not his forte, but then a remarkably accurate voice says, “Ah, yes, I hate kids, yes.” Tom thinks he must have played a Field recording, but Spike says it was him. The eerily similar voice appears again and Tom siriously wants Spike to stop with the W.C. Field sound effects. Spike says it was him and repeats that he’s not a very skilled imitator. Tom tells him that it sounded just like W.C. Field. Spike does it for a third time, and Tom thinks he could be the next Frank Gorshin if he plays his cards right.

Yabba-Dabba-Don't-Do: Spike does do Dino discipline but doesn't do cold cereal

Spike hopes that Gorshin is resting in peace, and Tom wants to know what happened to him. Spike says he passed away several months ago (18, actually) due to cancer. Tom is shocked. He admired his work as The Riddler on the live-action Batman television series and does a nice rendition of the Batman save-the-day theme in his honor. (Would have been fun to hear Gorshin in a round of Make Me Laugh.) Spike’s favorite superheroes are Batman, Wonder Woman, and caveman crusader Fred Flintsone. Tom thinks Flintstone is an odd choice and wonders about his special power(s). Spike says it's keeping Dino in line. Spike connects with Fred's commitment to discipline and thinks he may have been the original version of himself. Tom didn't like the shift to a lower register when Henry Corden replaced Alan Reed as Fred's voice for projects like Fruity Pebbles commercials. Spike says that Reed is the only Fred Flintstone as far as he’s concerned. Spike ate Fruity Pebbles as a child, but was not much of a fan. He no longer does cold cereal, preferring the hot stuff like oatmeal, cream of wheat, and farina.

Tom wants some insight into Spike’s diet. The day’s menu consisted of a home-cooked egg whites and chicken sausage breakfast, shrimp and beef teriyaki with rice and vegetables for lunch at a place near the DMV, and a turkey burger, baked potato, and spinach for dinner. Spike usually skips dessert, but when he indulges he opts for a fruit salad with the occasional piece of cake. Tom’s impressed by his heart-healthy approach and thinks Spike is an interesting, Dr. Phil figure with his vast knowledge and nutritional expertise. Spike agrees that he’s a very interesting person, so Tom gets rid of him for bragging.

- No Smokin’ Joe calls (starts at 43:49) to agree with Tom on the glory of Frank Gorshin, citing his guest appearances on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. He claims he was right about calling the cancellation of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, even though it was the opposite of canceled. Good call, son. Tom doesn't like NSJ and wishes he was not a fan of show because he’s a lying, awful person. Tom doesn’t’ want him to apologize with cheap, meaningless words -- he wants him to earn back his respect. NSJ wants to know how to accomplish this, and Tom suggests donning his thinking cap and employing the skills he uses to write ads for Fox News. NSJ denies working for the news division, but Tom insists that he saw four commercials he did for Fox News on his End Hungrr website. NSJ says he did work for Burger King and Fox Sports Net. Tom says it doesn’t matter, because NSJ is judged at such a high standard after his descent into nicotine lies that anything he does now is wrong in his eyes. NSJ calls Tom “bro” and Tom does not like it at at all. He says nicht nicht to broham status with NSJ. Tom GOMPs the sicko creep and compares him to an Angel of Death. NSJ is the Josef Mengele of the airwaves.

Slayer - "Angel of Death"

- Taylor from Manhattan College calls (starts at 48:58) looking for Philly Boy Roy. Tom says he’s right in his pocket, but he actually has no idea where he is. Taylor misses him and doesn’t think it can be a good show without him. Tom wants to hear more about this theory that PBR is the lynchpin to the show's great success. Taylor says that he’s one of the elements of a good show since he always makes him and his friends laugh. Between shows, they will fill the void by doing impressions of him. Taylor does a brief impression that is passable, but nowhere near as accurate as Spike’s dead-on W.C. Field. He was a little too high-pitched and shifted a bit into Timmy von Trimble territory. I heard that Timmy saw the Borat film from the cup rest at the Newbridge 12 Cineplex. He loved it except for the scene with that one guy. Taylor thought he heard Tom typing his way to collegeboard.com to research his school. He was wrong. Taylor hopes PBR calls, but if he does, Tom will hang up on him. Taylor back peddles to say that Tom could have a good show without him, but Tom is certain that his words lack sincerity. Taylor’s new position is that PBR gives the show a “head start” on the fun.

He’s doing well with his studies in chemical engineering and the ladies since he’s still in the soft-serve freshmen-level classes. He won’t be pledging for any fraternities because his private college does not have any. Tom is shocked and wants to know why he would matriculate at such a school. Taylor says he’s not much of a partier; Tom thinks he is missing out on the Psi Chi experience. Taylor says that Manhattan College has more mayhem than his friend’s college, the Fashion Institute of Techmology. Taylor says that students there don’t feel like it’s a real college because they don’t have the crazy drinking and mostly girls attend. Taylor’s already low energy is draining fast, so Tom asks him how his brother, Pudge, is doing. Taylor tries to perk up, but it’s too late. The boredom and the damage done. Tom sends him to The Negative Zone, his fifth straight GOMP of the evening.

- Ryan from Lynchburg, VA., hesitantly calls (starts at 53:15) to say that he loves the show and hopes to avoid another GOMP. He's in the throes of a nervous excitement that he compares to the experience of calling a girl when he was in high school. Tom assures him that they're buddies, but points out that he doesn't have sole control over the GOMPs since Mike gives the signal on half of them. Ryan is watching the close Senate race in his state, and, as of that moment, Republican incumbent GG Allen had a slight lead over the dude from The Mentors. Ryan predicted that Allen would retain his seat, but El Duce pulled it out and gave the Dems control of both houses of Congress. High-five! Ryan was rooting for G G Parker, the Green Party candidate who ended up with 1% of the vote. Tom votes not on the issues, but on the names, so he’d be torn between an Allen and another GG. I was very disappointed with the Virgina Senate result because I was looking forward to the Laser Allen show that would have accompanied a victory speech. I really wanted to see what color laser beans he used with "Eat My Macaca".

Ryan votes on the accents -- if a candidate sounds too northern, he won’t support them. In the House race, he voted for Rep. Virgil Goode because he has a thick, Southern accent. (Goode ran against Bryce's favorite candidate.) Tom thinks Zeph Marshack would be on the fast track to political stardom down there . Zeph would get Ryan’s vote unless he ran against Bryce. I think that battle would make for an interesting campaign trail with Zeph constantly in the cups from vodka and cokes with no coke and Bryce talking to woodland creatures while hallucinating from too much Westbridge crippler weed. Would Rick and Rose support Zeph's candidacy? Tom wonders who would win a Best Show election, and Ryan thinks Bryce would take it.

- Farmer Eli from NJ calls (starts at 56:02) to get the highlights of what he missed at the WFMU Record Fair. In addition to the records, Tom saw an old guy slip and fall, causing his records to spill out all over the place. Eli wants to know if the guys with the really long and hair and the really long bangs were there again. Tom says that he saw a couple of guys with long hair, but Eli presses him on their bang length. Tom says he did not measure their bangs and wants to know the status of Eli's hair. Eli tries to keep it high and tight so he can go to any Friendly’s in the US and A and not get picked on. Eli farms vegetables, goat milk, and eggs, and human pubis (great for knitting holiday sweaters for the kids), which allows him to feed his family. He will then sell some of his harvest at a Farmer’s Market in the summer. He's unable to live entirely off the land, so he has another job as well Tom appreciates this interesting look into the world of the modern farmer.

Eli would vote for Zeph in The Best Show election. He would not vote for Spike, but might want Fred as a running mate on a Zeph ticket. Tom asks Eli if he’d rather be handcuffed to Spike or Fred. Eli goes with Fred because he’d be worried about what creepy things Spike would have in store for him. Tom is sad to say that he’d pick Spike because he’d fall asleep at 8 p.m. Tom thinks that Fred might actually die during the entanglement ("I can’t breathe, man.") and Eli would have to drag him around until he found someone to cut him loose.

- Tristan calls (starts at 1:00) to say everyone has it wrong on the election. He’d go old-school conservative and vote for Hot Rockin’ Ronny, which is akin to voting for someone like Big Burly Billy. Tristan argues that HRR has put in some time, while the new kids are unknown entities who lack experience. He points out that we know that HRR is rockin’, but the drawback is that he hates Tom. Tom says that everyone who calls hates him, including Tristan. Tristan says that he in fact loves Tom and thinks he’s great.

Tristan splits his time in Brooklyn and Providence. He likes Providence, although he encountered a bunch of creepy weirdos tonight. He saw Larry the Perv staring at the ground. As he passed him, Larry popped up and told him to check out a picture. He wasn’t sure if Tristan would think it was great, but he thought it was fantastic. Larry then went back to looking at the ground, and Tristan could not even detect any picture down there. Whatever the picture was, I’m sure Larry found it to be “erawtic”. Tom thinks that Larry just wanted to mug Tristan and was trying to lure him into a trap via this supposed artwork. Tristan decided that he needed to go get Chinese food and not get stabbed. Tom loves it.

- A caller offers (starts at 1:03) Tom some clues about his identity: he used to be a frequent caller, he was/is a bass guitar player, he was sad, and he was temperamental. Tom initially guesses that it’s Captain Badphone due to the power-plant hum, but then realizes that it’s Sathington. Tom saw him at the Record Fair, and Sathington says the event was the most fun he’s had in a very long time. He’s all grown up and a completely different person now -- no more suicide threats over the air. Sathington gets people up to speed with a recap of his world since his last call on 3/22/05. He dropped out of high school for many reasons, and then he fell into a slight depression. This prompted him to make a change by moving in with his aunt and uncle in Somerville. After that experiment failed, he moved in with this kid that he knew through some other people. He stayed in that apartment for a few months, but realized it was a bit of a disaster. He was dreading his return home, but when he did, he realized he never should have left.

Tom compares his journey to Elizabethtown. Sathington hasn’t seen the film, so Tom tells him it’s about finding your way home. Tom pulled the trigger on a used, full-frame copy at Blockbusters for $75 and discovered that it was also about being a whole lotta bad. Sathington abruptly departs to investigate someone slamming his door down. Tom likes this new version of Sathington. Mike the Associate Producer is also glad he’s back.

Abnormal Unhappiness: Uncle Bob fans want their $950 back after not getting any high-leg kicks at a Nov. 10th show in Saginaw, MI

- Tom issues a challenge (starts at 1:13) to listeners to find the most insanely expensive item StubHub, the online bazaar for tickets to live entertainment events. Tom starts it off with a $2,575 ticket to see Dane Cook at MSG. Tom thinks this is too much to pay to see Cook make stuff up and perform 90 percent of his atrocious Home Box Office special. Mike finds a listing for a $4,100 ticket to see The Rolling Stones in Las Vegas. Tom follows it up with a $950 Row J floah seat to see Bob Seger (the John Cafferty of Detroit) in Cincinnati. Tom speculates that Kid Rock might go for them. The ticket actually sold to this guy.

Tom requested that the FOT Chat inhabitants call with their finds instead of relegating them to an Intronet sub-show, but Laurie disobeys by mentioning a $751 GNR ticket. Tom threatens to shut down the chat when the show is on the air and starts looking for the button to turn it off. Tom met Laurie at the post-Record Fair FOT gathering and thought she was a very nice person. Tom was impressed that the 20+ attendees were all so well-mannered and sweet -- even young Petey. However, Tom was not pleased about getting burned during the karaoke at Winnie’s. The machine conked out on him at least two times while trying to perform Nick Lowe’s “Cruel To Be Kind”. The malfunctions made him look like a dummy up on the stage. Tom declares Winnie’s the worst karaoke bar ever, citing it’s $1-per-song fee and the fact that the lyrics were projected on a screen behind the singer. As a result, the audience was forced to watch your back stare at a song playing through two little speakers that can’t be heard unless you’re within three feet of them. Someone in the chat also lamented the $6 Heinekens. Tom gives the bush-league establishment thumbs down and wants his $1 back, as well as an apology from its proprietors.

At this point, Tom fears that the Stub Hub Challenge is going to be filed in the garbage can next to Turk 182 It, the biggest bust in The Best Show’s history. In an effort to save the segment, Tom follows a lead to check out Wrestlemania 23 at Ford Field in Detroit. The most expensive ticket is $25,000 for ringside seats to see something that Tom claims is fake. I would only pay that much if Mike Savage was stepping back into the ring for a match scripted by Bob Mould. Tom also finds a $1,399 Platinum ringside ticket that allows you to keep your chair as a souvenir. He's not sure if anyone would really want the chair.

- A caller spotted (starts at 1:22) some $4,999 Rose Bowl tickets. Tom finds Barbara Streisand at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas $5,556. The caller would not go any higher than $40 to see Babs. Tom reminds him that Il Divo is opening, so the caller downgrades his top price to $30. Speaking of downgrading, Tom declares the bit a flop.

- A caller found (starts at 1:24) $750 tickets for the Samsung / RadioShack / Earthlink / Pringles 500 NASCAR event in Ft. Worth, Texas. While it’s not extremely expensive, the caller thinks it’s a lot of money to spend on what would probably be his biggest nightmare scenario: seeing NASCAR in Texas. The caller references last week’s Pay Me game and says he’d need the $750 to go see it. Tom offers him the alternative of seeing Big & Rich at The Palace of Auburn Hills in Michigan for $543. Tom is not a B&R fan and neither is the caller. Tom appreciates his effort to give some juice to a dying game. A few more chat-based entries fly around: $4300 for Justin Timberlake and $171 for Charles Michael Kittridge Thompson IV tickets. Tom wonders who hosts The Best Chat Show on WFMU. I think it's that guy Boris. He rules!

- A caller (starts at 1:25) has a great idea for how Tom can spend New Year’s Eve 2006. The site: the historic Ryman Auditorium in Nashville, TN. The prices $139-$269. The entertainment: Tom’s old-timey radio colleague, the one and only Garrison Keillor. Tom imagines that the audience would have to pinch their leg to stay up past 11:00 p.m. when faced with boring ice-fishing tales from Lake Wobegone (you won’t find Aquaman buying a summer sea castle in that lake!). Tom is horrified by the thought of getting stuck in a sea of traffic of 90-year-olds trying to exit the parking lot. Tom refuses to see Robert Altman’s A Prairie Home Companion because Keillor is in it. The caller is a Lindsay Lohan completist, so he did see the film. He believes she will be the next great American actress. Lohan is a pretty good choice, but my pick is Jennifer Schwalbach Smith. I wasn’t sold on her in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, but she really took it to the next level in Clerks II.

- Pothead Dan calls (starts at 1:28) with a StubHub gem: Dane Cook’s Tourgasm without Dane Cook. For $550, you can grab a second row ticket to see Jay Davis, Robert Kelly, and Gary Gulman -- the real Comedians of Comedy -- at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Tom thinks the price of tickets to this show should have an inverse relationship to their proximity to Jay Davis. Tom wonders if the audiences now clap in recognition when he starts his “TLC Killer” joke. Pothead Dan would want $550 + a free ticket to sit down at the show, although Tom is certain that he’d either be on his feet or rolling on the floor with laughter for its duration. Tom speculates that they close out the show by having all three guys on stage sitting on stools like the Blue Collar Comedy tour, perhaps introducing a Dane Cook video in which he apologizes for not being there.

Pothead Dan’s mom starts causing a ruckus in the background, and Tom siriously wants to talk to her. She left the room, but Tom orders Pothead Dan to chase his mommy down. She claims she’s sleeping despite the fact that she can be heard yelling. She’s scared, so Tom tells her to loosen up with another drink. She prefers to eat some ice cream, and Tom wants her to do it over the phone. This wears her down and she reluctantly gets on the line. Tom tells her that her son seems like a good guy, and she confirms that he is. Tom says that other than the stuff he talks about on the show, he seems very well-balanced. His mom says that he very mature for a 17-year-old. Tom asks her how she feels about his website, but she wasn't even aware of it. Tom informs her that he’s been calling every week as “Pothead Dan” to review different strains of weed. She responds with “no comment” and leaves to go eat her Mint Chip ice cream. Tom urges her to hurry up before her son swoops in with the munchies. She says she has to hide it and gives the phone back to Pothead Dan before she can discuss the pot vaporizer she bought for him. Tom's riffage upset "Nills" in the chat. He doesn't approve of making weed jokes to someone's mother. Oh, Nills.

- Cutless calls (starts at 1:33) to plug his appearance on Wilmer Vondelarvral’s Yo Mamma. Cutlass thinks WV is kind of a tool. Tom refuses to talk to him because he doubts he was on the show, plus he cracked himself up. Mike brokered one of his side deals to give Cutlass another shot, but Tom only grants him a few seconds because he can't trust him. Tom hopes he gets hit by a Cutlass, but immediately rescinds his wish to avoid karmic, The Twilight Zone-ish retribution.

- August checks in (starts at 1:37) to report on his unsuccessful Halloween. At the last minute, he tried to throw together some vampire thing, but it was hideous. He was too ashamed of his costume to venture outside to trick-or-treat. Tom thought he could have just thrown a sheet over his head and go out as ghost. August thought about that, but the only old sheets he could find were tan. Tom thinks he could have used those to become a jaundiced ghost. August overlooked the possibility of dressing as a sick specter. Tom asks August to get a piece of paper to write down some advice for the 2007 Halloween game plan. Tom tells August to start mapping out his strategy in the second week of October. The plan will require three costumes (quality is not crucial) and the ability to let go of a certain piece of dignity. Tom asks August if candy or dignity is more important to him. He doesn’t answer, so Tom goes with candy for the sake of the four-part plan.

1. You wear the first costume for some advance trick-or-treating on October 30th. On this outing, you canvass for candy in your neighborhood, but seek out areas around the block where you are not as well-known. You explain your early presence with a story about an out-of-town family trip that will cause you to miss out on the festivities the next day. This will also allow you to scope out the primo candy stashes and determine an effective route.

2. The next day, you put on the second costume and go out on Halloween proper. In this trip, you can skip over the bad houses with the bums giving out fruity Laffy Taffy. In this phase, you also get your parents to drive you to a completely different neighborhood to hit up new people. After two grueling days on the streets, the plan is still not complete.

3. On November 1st, you crack out your third and final costume. You then go around pretending that you were ill on Halloween to get the leftovers from the good houses. Tom wants to hear August’s sick voice, but he is unable to imitate someone with a cold. I bet Spike could! Tom pencils in some rehearsal time for the second week of October so August can pull it off.

4. You take a day off, and then return to the circuit on November 3rd without any costume. You go door-to-door telling people that you are collecting any remaining candy to make a donation to children. August initially rejects this on the grounds that it’s dishonest, but Tom points out that he’s a child. August says that since he will be using the plural term “children” in his solicitation, he will give some of his candy to his brother and friends to avoid getting caught in a lie.

August isn’t sure what his parents will think of his idea, but he’ll find out when he goes downstairs after he hangs up. Tom thinks he could get away with Phase 4 now, a full week after Halloween. August has been packing 10 leftover pieces of candy in his lunches, giving three pieces each to two of his friends and then throwing one piece up for grabs on the other end of table as part of a social experiment. August didn’t vote today because he’s not old enough, but Tom thought he was 18. August says he’s only 13 and is pretty sure that he revealed his age to Tom several months ago. Tom thought Austin Albert August was enlisting in the Army. Tom also saw August working the Wheel-o-Fate table at the Record Fair. The phone lines heat up, so Mike gives Tom the signal to bid August goodnight.

- Bryce calls (starts at 1:48) to say that he did his civic duty today. He believes that voting is not just a right, it’s a privilege just like something else. Bryce demonstrates this other privilege by taking a monster hit of crippler. Bryce points out that people in other countries like Alaska are unable to “bong out" like Americans. He then confuses Tom even more by asking what he voted for in the election. Tom thinks he might be referring to the Senate race, but Bryce is referring to the vote for favorite song. Tom now thinks they are talking about two different elections. Bryce says he went to his polling place, but found out that he wasn't registered to vote. He technically doesn’t have a residential address since his lives in a shanty in the woods behind the old Lady Foot Locker. Bryce wrote down what he was voting for and gave the paper to this dude to put in the ballot box. He told him he did it. Bryce wrote the Grateful Dead song “Sugar Magnolia” on the paper. Bryce wants to know what song Tom wrote down, but Tom didn’t voted for politicians, not songs. Bryce also voted for some politicians: Phil Lesh, Jerry Garcia, Mountain Girl, and the guy who plays mandolin for the New Riders of the Purple Sage. Bryce didn’t know his name, so he just wrote “the dude from New Riders with the mustache” to ensure his vote got on the books.

Bryce senses that Tom is being kinda snippy, and he doesn’t like it. Tom says he simply doesn’t understand the point of the votes Bryce cast. Bryce thinks every vote counts, and he made his count. Tom tells him that the things he voted for don’t count towards any legitimate election. This causes Bryce to deliver what he would wager is the first “what” with a bong hit in the middle of it. The infusion of pot makes Bryce starts singing “Sugar Magnolia”, and he wants Tom to patch Mike’s headset mic in so they can harmonize. Tom refuses to put Mike on, so Bryce asks him to provide some harmonies. Tom suggests “Touch of Grey”, and Bryce launches into it. Bryce says the video for the track was the scariest thing he's ever seen to this day. He viewed while on acid and felt like Jerry’s hand came through the television and started to strangle him. He called out to his mom for help, but she couldn’t provide any assistance because she tripping with him as part of his birthday celebration. She was the one who turned Bryce onto drugs. His father, Dr. Prefontaine, was also there getting high.

Bryce continues to struggle because his parents won’t give him any more dough to fix his shanty and Lean-To Aid 2 fell through. He previously asked Tom to co-host the benefit concert with Werner and Rutager, but Tom refused. Bryce dishes some Newbridge gossip about Rutager vanishing with the entire supply of crippler. Werner is really mad and tried to remedy the situation by getting on the ballot for mayor of Newbridge. He wanted to take office and sign an “Instant Death Warrant” against his own brother. He sped up the process by going to the Board of Elections with a knife to get on the ballot. The worst part is that he was put on the ballot at 7:50 p.m., just 10 minutes before the polls closed. He got 202 votes by going to various polling places and threatening voters with the same sharp knife, but did not win the mayoral race. I couldn’t find anything on the actual winner, but I know it was a tight race between Rev. Ken Miller and restauranteur Augie Richards. Richards took the the lead in the final days of the campaign after a series of attack ads revolving around a photo of Rev. Miller leaving The Love Nest and the revelation that he screened It’s Raining Membranes during a teen mass earlier this year.

Despite the setback, Werner’s political aspirations are still going strong. He plans to run for alderman and relaunch a mayoral campaign next year. He wants to help the community with great ideas like his ingenious way to get citizens hooked on rails. He hopes to dispense cocaine samples through the coin return slot of local pay phones. A slip of paper with Werner’s contact number will accompany the package for future orders after the person gets hooked on the German marching powder. Tom’s never done a rail, and Bryce thinks he’s missing out on the greatest feeling ever. Bryce is sad as he's about to take his final crippler bong it until Rutager is found. He wants everyone to share it with him and requests that Tom hum a Grateful Dead song of his choice. Tom doesn't really know any, and Bryce has a crying fit because Mike won’t come out and sing. He takes the hit and starts singing "Truckin'", but the crippler wears off during the second half of the line: "Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip its been."

- Speaking of strange trips, Mary B from Albuquerque calls (starts at 2:00) to find out what she's been listening to for the past 20 minutes. While cruising the Internet for music, she randomly tuned to The Best Show and couldn't figure it out what it was all about. Tom explains that it's a call-in program where the callers dictate the course of things. Mary likes everything from Abba to Zappa (except Abba and Zappa) and fishes for obscure stuff. She mainly collects songs instead of listening to specific genres or bands. One band she likes is Faogazi, a Madagascar-based Fugazi cover band (I’m a big fan of their addition of valiha to “Margin Walker”). Tom was confused and thought they did the cartoon music for Madagascar, but Mary informs him that the world musicians merely hail from that country. Tom recommends the film to Mary, who has been too busy for cinema screenings.

However, Mary is about to have a lot of free time since she's been retired for six days from her longtime job as a fundraiser for public radio. Tom tells her not bother with Borat and suggests that she see the superior The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause instead. Mary says it doesn't really appeal to her because it's too mainstream. Mary hasn't been a big movie watcher because she spent the last 17.5 years grinding it out in the trenches, pitching for NPR shows like Morning Edition and All Things Considered. Now it's Mary time. Now it's movie time. She will also continue to do her weekly KUNM free-form music show (Fridays at 1:30 p.m. MT) that tends to lean towards a mix of folk and world music. Her most recent playlist indicates that you'll hear everything from Weird Al to Joe Strummer to Khazakhstan folk singer Azamat Bagatov!

Tom tells Mary that she's called during a big (and, ultimately, premature) celebration for Virginia remaining Republican. Mary's amused by this, and Tom tells her that Craig Hannity was just on discussing the election results. Mary B doesn't know too much about political things, but she doesn’t care for Republicans. Tom tells her that his party is made up of good people, and Mary does call for God to bless everybody without exception. Tom thinks there are a few exceptions like that time God forsook Spike. Mary is unfamiliar with Spike, but she wants God to bless him, too. Tom explains that Spike is part of the stable of weirdos who regularly call The Best Show. Tom then orders them to stop listening to this show and start listening to Mary B, their new leader. Tom predicts that she will start getting weird e-mails inviting her to cookouts. Tom once attended a listener cookout out in the woods (presumably behind the Lady Foot Locker) and discovered there was no food. He got a weird feeling that they we going to hunt him, so he pretended to go get some horseshoes from his car and sped off to safety.

Tom asks Mary if she'd be interested in booking Craig Hannity on her show to talk about his new book, Right Is Right. Mary believes that all politics is nonsense (that sounds like a good line for a DC Snipers song). She thinks all politics is fake, pretend, and make believe, and talkers like the Hannity brothers contribute to advancing the continued belief in an enormous charade. Tom wants to hear more and gives her the floor. Mary doesn't see how we can live in a world where our leaders lie to themselves and to us. Tom says that President Bush is an exception and hopes to have The Big Man on the show next week. The same weirdo who invited Tom to the cookout told him that he'd deliver Bush as a guest. Mary B doubts this will pan out. Tom thinks she worked hard to earn her retirement and now it's time to play hard. Tom recommends cracking open a Michelob or Bud Ice before her radio show, but she prefers red wine. After hunkering down for the winter months, Mary B will dedicate her life to fun and be on the loose come spring. Tom thinks she’ll have inherited all The Best Show weirdos by that point, but Mary thinks her life is now Teflon when it comes to weirdos. Tom tells her that these weirdos are pretty sticky and recommends avoiding any cookouts. Mary B thinks the callers would all live far away, but Tom tells her about the recent road show stop two weeks ago at the lodge in Taos. Tom bids her farewell from one radio professional to another. Mary B responds with "You betcha!". The free-form Marge Gunderson!

- Petey calls (starts at 2:13) while "sniffing pine needles" outside because the Christmas-y odors make him happy. Petey asks Tom what he's doing and thinks it's pretty radical that he's doing his radio show. Petey has managed to successfully assimilate into his school by wearing his hair over his eyes so nobody bothers him with atomic wedgies anymore. Tom wonders if Petey bought anything good at the Record Fair, but he only got some Blind Willie McTell and Leadbelly records. Tom speculates that he made the Leadbelly purchase on a dare. Petey does think Sathington is pretty goob and requests that Tom not hang up on him if he calls again. Tom says it was simply time to move on, just like it is now. Petey mentions that is brother, Pudge, has been trying to get him to do a Smash or Trash, but Tom says that's a bad call because Petey is too ingrained in the show. Petey wonders why he's getting more boring every week, which, oddly, makes his call more exciting. Mike reminds Tom that Petey and his friends were doing sketches of a security guard at the Record Fair. Petey says he was just drawing biddles and gets GOMPed.

After the music break, Tom mentions that Geeeep from the FOT Chat wants 7 laughs in the last 18 minutes. Tom demands that he call so he can hear the actual laughter while he's on hold. Sadly, Geeeeep failed to pick up the phone.

- Listener T calls (starts at 2:40) to tell Tom to Geeeeep his fingers crossed for a W. He also wanted to give a shout-out to his beloved Quimby (the mouse?) who is in Hong Kong. She got some kind of crazy deal where you can be a courier and got round-trip tickets for $350. She has to meet someone at the airport to get some papers, and then give those papers to someone at another airport. She's then free to go on her way until she returns home and gets arrested by Homeland Security. Tom takes a risk by introducing a new topic for the final 15 minutes: Sell Me On It. Tom can already feel the wheels coming off and fears the L word. He considers accepting defeat and finishing out the show with music, but plows ahead by asking for someone to sell him on My Morning Jacket. (Ted Leo actually tried to do this during his Coachella report). Tom's ears process the band as Wayne Coyne singing badly with Radiohead backing him on Allman Brothers covers.

T can't help Tom out on the MMJ, but he did see Brian Wilson the other night. He thought the lunatic sounded really good and had a great band. The old hippies in the audience were well-behaved. Tom heard there was a show he didn’t show up for, but nobody even noticed. T didn’t think that Wilson even touched the keyboard and guitar that were put in front of him. He forgot to even attempt the fake strumming. Tom heard that for four shows last year, he was replaced by a scarecrow with a cowlick at the piano bench. T says that Wilson was going through the twitching, random arm movements, and at St. Vitus Dance. During "Sloop John B", he got so moved by the music that he banged on the keyboard with his palms. Tom likes Wilson, but likes Mike Love even more. Tom is a big fan of Love's solo album, Looking Back With Love, an overlooked masterpiece released by the Radio Shack label in 1979. Tom believes it's the Pet Sounds of the 1970s, a pure blast of Mike Love without those pesky Wilsons mucking around. T mentions that Al Jardine was also at the show. Tom met Jardine at a Republican fundraiser, where he performed an acoustic version of the Sunflower outtake, "Loop De Loop".

- Lindsey from Ft. Worthless, TX calls on the other line (starts at 2:47) because someone told her to for a reason she doesn't reveal. Tom immediately GOMPs her because weird kids calling the wrong line can’t be trusted.

Tom had the show in the crosshairs until Geeeep started shooting his mouth off like a hot shot. Tom decides that Sell Me On It is 3/6th topic, not a 5 or 6/6th topic. Therefore, Tom switches to the classic Overrated/Underrated for the final stretch. The phone go so quiet that Tom feels like he's at a sparsely attended Kevin Federline concert at Webster Hall. Tom thinks people should lay off K-Fed -- despite being terrible, he had a great run and "Popo Zau" is a good record.

- A caller offers Radiohead as Overrated and Sparks as big-time Underrated. Tom duly notes it.

- A caller thinks High On Fire is both Underrated and the heaviest band on Earth. Tom thinks the heaviest band on Earth is either Poison Idea (also the ugliest) or Bowling For Soup. Tom saw BFS on VH-1 and concluded that one guy is skipping the soup ("belly wash") at the buffet table in search of other food. Re sonic heaviness, there was also some talk in the FOT Chat about the Atlanta-based heavy metal group, Mastodon. They recently made a new friend.

- A callers wants Tom's take on Parmesan cheese. The caller thinks it's the best "topper" for anything, but Tom says it's just gross. I'll put that down as Overrated.

- Lindsey calls back on the right number and says her friend told her to call because Tom mentioned MMJ. Lindsey isn't that familiar with them, but she will see them live in a couple of weeks.

- Get Off My Bone plays Overrated/Underrated with the Dallas Mavericks. Tom thinks they will end up where they're supposed to be, but GOMB interprets this to mean that they will lose the big games. Tom thinks that is cold. This past Friday, Tom was walking around Boston with Mike Peters from The Alarm and two guys from from Cactus World News en route to Borat. All of a sudden, Rip Hamilton walks right by him. Right after that, he saw Lindsey Hunter and Antonio McDyess. To cap it off, he saw Pistons coach Flip Saunders eating lunch through a window. GOMB leaves with a scripted outro line of "this pool's getting cold ..."

- Miles thinks Eric Roberts' performance in The Pope of Greenwich Village is Underrated. He thinks Borat is Overrated, but Tom doesn't even like the film at all. Hopefully Tom and his boys will win the lawsuit. The Psi Chi's don't roll over like that!

- Tristan thinks Kurt Russell is Underrated, while Geeep's laughter is Overrated. Tom will not do a show next week because he’s too emotionally scarred by Geep’s antics. Tom also hopes people are savoring the last days of the doomed chat, which will soon go the way of the ice truck and flip-top sodeys. Tom says that Geeep has ushered in a new era for The Best Show -- Before Geeeep (BG) and After Geeeep (AG). Tristan realizes that we're no longer living in a pre-Geeeep world.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: NO SHOW THIS WEEK BECAUSE OF GEEEEEEEP. THUMBS DOWN TO GEEEEEEP. TOM ASKED YOU TO CALL BUT YOU JUST HID IN THE CHAT AND SILENTLY LAUGHED IT UP. SOFT-SERVE, SON!!!!!

I'm off to celebrate the Festival of Shurik, but I'll leave you with a sexytime threesome:

And, finally, give it up for Tom's Irish New Wave buddies:

Posted by Omar at 10:40 AM | Permalink | Comments

Louis Klein goes to so many SNLs, Forte wrote him into the show. Say when.

Posted by x amount at 9:38 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 12:22 PM | Permalink | Comments

But it took these nerds to get Raising Arizona on the board.

Posted by x amount at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments

Hank Shocklee explains that he likes the low-res sound because "you can't pick out the exact instrument and things that are going on, and it kind of meshes it all together, so the frequencies of where the guitar and the bass come in are not clearly defined."

Posted by x amount at 9:42 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 7:17 PM | Permalink | Comments

Then he steal your wife and touch horse in very bad way.

Posted by x amount at 7:05 PM | Permalink | Comments

James Bond is like a 5th grade version of me with the watches. Where's your thermometer watch, spy nerd?

Posted by x amount at 8:36 AM | Permalink | Comments

( Click here to watch the producer's cut of "Branch Closing")

Posted by Omar at 6:33 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 11:32 AM | Permalink | Comments

Little three-year-old x junior came home from pre-school the other day telling us how they said the Pledge of Allegiance every day. At three! The whole daily RECITE WORDS TO PROVE YOU'RE DOWN thing feels kinda fascist now, doesn't it? A little? So I hit the wiki to figure out when we all started doing that business. Best part (that I somehow missed the first time around): the great Dr. Pepper scandal of 2001.

Posted by x amount at 10:23 AM | Permalink | Comments

re-Crafted.

M. Craft - "She Sells Sanctuary"

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 8:54 AM | Permalink | Comments

"Something tells me Mike will not want for saving accoutrements." -- Tom on Mike endearing himself to the Mennen executives

"You're about three notches past 'kinda sad'." -- Tom on a caller's attempt to recapture his youth by throwing candy at cars

"Hit her with a pillow!" -- Tom, giving Weirder Jon a tip on how to wake his sleeping daughter

"Even the worst people think they’re good." -- Tom, trying to instill some more confidence in a Canadian drone musician

"I’m not educated. I just do whatever they tell me." -- Tom on his blind loyalty to his Republican masters

"Were you playing your guitar like Ozzy plays it?" -- Tom, inquiring about the authenticity of a caller's Halloween costume

"Summertime and the leaving is easy.” -- Tom, rewriting The Zombies' unpleasant, room-clearing dirge

"It was like finding an oasis in the desert." -- Tristan on having two people recognize him as Mad Max

"I'm not Ribbon Man anymore. Yeah, Ribbon Man just threw his costume away." -- Tom on the brief life of his homemade superhero

"It’s not the old days!" -- Tom, responding to Terre T's concern about the rise in hott Hallowen moms

"Man, I want to smash Pete Seeger." -- Tom, still targeting his cowardly nemesis

"Yoga’s a form of … you know what Yoga is, how could anyone on this continent not know what Yoga is?" -- BT, refusing to believe that Tom's is unfamiliar with this cooking discipline

"All this Yoga talk is making me hungry." -- Tom, craving some General Tso's hot dogs

"So the two things you like are coconut and ruining my show!" -- Tom, scolding an Almond Joy fan

"Yeah, I think I understand where Ian Curtis was coming from." -- Tom on the suicidal powers of Werner Herzog's Stroszek

"Kid's got work to do if that's the state of affairs!" -- Tom, getting refueled by bad comedies

"Barry, there is no next movie." -- Hollywood executive delivering some bad news to Mr. Levinson

"That looks like water torture." -- Tom, requesting $17,000 to watch a full season of Farscape

"I would either emerge stronger than ever or completely ruined." -- Tom on his alone time with the cover art for Lenny Kravitz's Baptism

"That Tony Randall album clobbers this." - Tom on Vo Vo De Oh Doe's old-timey takedown of Modern Times

[TBSOWFMU - 10/31/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Tom Waits - "What's He Building In There?"

( Click here to buy Mule Variations)

Black Sabbath - "Cornucopia"

( Click here to buy Vol. 4)

Helloween - "I'm Alive"

( Click here to buy Keeper of the Seven Keys, Part I)

Smashing Pumpkins - "Siva" (from 9/8/91 Peel Session)

( Click here to buy Peel Sessions)

Iron Maiden - "The Wicker Man"

( Click here to buy Brave New World)

Danzig - "Left Hand Black"

( Click here to buy Danzig III: How The Gods Kill)

Annotated highlights of a come-from-behind W:

Tom wanted to talk to the mischief nighters, trick-or-treaters (they turned out to be either asleep or too busy sorting through their stashes; rumor has it that August went as Jean-Paul Sartre, but was prohibited from eating any candy due to parental concerns about a sugar high), or some regular callers who donned an “audio costume”, an idea presented by Mike the Associate Producer in The Best Show pre-show staff meeting. Mike was extremely nervous as he made the suggestion in front of the powerhouses in attendance: Donald Trump, Jr. and several Mennen executives. Trump, Jr. was brought in to speak about what it takes to be a success in the business world. Tom found it very insightful and was particularly inspired by one page in the book of his life: the one that mentioned having Donald Trump as a father.

A couple of Mennen executives were in town to review the show and make sure Tom was properly promoting the Gillette Quattro razor on the air. (There has also been some chatter on the Mennen.com forums about the company wanting Tom to start using some new catchphrases. The marketing department is pushing hard for “Nuts to you, McGillicutty!”) Tom invited some women from Scores to come to the studio and demonstrate the smoothness of the Quattro by shaving a balloon slathered in shaving cream without making it pop. The Mennen guys loved Mike’s idea so much that they invited him to travel with them via corporate helicopter to catch the Rolling Stones in Atlantic City on November 17th.

- A caller from Montville references (starts at 26:51) what sounded like "Narth Vader" as an example of the brutal trick-or-treaters roaming the streets. He nearly got beat up by some seven- and eight-year-olds. The caller is 23 and has no children, so he's out causing mischief with friends to relive their glory days. Their rekindled reign of terror includes soapings and stealing candy from children. Tom thinks he’s lying because he can hear it in his voice. The caller says there’s nothing wrong with stealing candy from children, but Tom was not passing judgment on the act. He was simply stating that the caller was not doing it. Tom also believes he’s a coward. The caller says there is heavy traffic in Montville, and his crew is throwing candy at cars on Route 46. Tom thinks he’s confused about the basic tenets of Halloween that say you acquire and keep the candy. The caller claims they are playing a game in which the candy bounces off the cars and they attempt to catch it on the rebound. He declares this new twist on the holiday to be a “Situationist Situation of the Halloween Anticipation.” The caller thinks it’s kinda sad that he’s doing this stuff at his age, but Tom thinks it’s three notches past kinda sad. The caller believes he is acting on a need to be experimental and give some juice to a tired holiday as long as nobody gets hurt. Tom doesn’t see how throwing stuff at cars in the pitch dark could possibly result in any injuries. Speaking of cars, Tom hopes he gets run over as punishment for his toilet talk. Tom had his finger on the button the whole call. He knew it was coming.

- Josh in Miami calls (starts at 31:34) to reprezent for the absentee Laurie, who is off gallivanting in NYC for the big WFMU Record Fair. Josh will be there in spirit form. He’s got a Halloween Good/Not So Good: the coffee shop next to where he works. They told a new employee last week about their tradition of working in costume on Halloween. As a result, she came to work in full geisha regalia -- white face paint, chopsticks in the hair, and a kimono. But nobody else was in costume. It was a trick. They got her. Tom thinks the ruse is horrible in theory, but she deserves the embarrassment for dressing up like a geisha. Due to Josh’s delay in responding to queries, Tom thinks he may be on a spaceship orbiting Earth. Josh says he’s still on the ground, but I suspect he was getting baked with Neil Armstrong on some secret mission. Josh says he’s just nervous about calling for the first time. Tom tells him to shake it off by jumping up and down. Josh obliges and returns all loosey-goosey. Tom wants to know about the Miami Halloween scene, and Josh reports seeing kids in costumes, flashlights, and grandmas handing out candy. He has not seen much mischief, which usually takes the form of toilet paperings of the palm trees (for shame) and egg tossings. Mike tells Tom that he has a hot call on line 2, so he has to let Josh go.

- Get Off My Bone calls (starts at 34:46) to get Tom’s pick for the “worst” (as in not scary) horror movie character ever. Tom goes with Dr. Giggles, and GOMB is not familiar with the character. Go back to horror school, son! He then pauses to attend to some trick-or-treaters at the door, screams, and hangs up. Tom is not impressed by the bit. He imagines GOMB dripping with sweat and wondering how it went. Tom’s verdict: not that funny.

- Weirder Jon calls (starts at 36:26) to say that he wanted to put his daughter on to tell Tom about her candy haul, but she just fell asleep. Tom wants WJ to wake her up. WJ says he can’t do that, so Tom gives him some help: hit her with a pillow. WJ actually does know how to do it, but he doesn’t want to unhinge her wrath. Tom thought his weirdness would make him prone to do such a thing, but he’s afraid of his kids. They’re brutal and get very cranky if jarred from bed soon after they fall asleep. Tom believes he’s a chicken and makes clucking sounds to taunt him. He dismisses him because he talks to humans, not chickens. Tom, who knows the dangers of parent-child power dynamics from his chats with Philly Boy Roy, suspects that WJ's kids are bullying him around. When they demand a trip to Toys-R-Us, WJ responds with "Yes, master." Tom thinks that, like Roy, Jr., his kids probably call him by his first name: "Hey, Jon, we're going to Toys-R-Us."

- Colleen in Canada laments (starts at 37:32) the quality of the previous callers, but says they are not as bad as Spike's recent output. She thought he was awesome when he first burst onto the scene, but has now run his course. She still listens to his calls for a few gems, but doesn’t think he brings it hard enough anymore. She wanted to know the scariest thing listeners ever found. She and her friends once found a scary object that she doesn’t think could be topped. She wants Tom to guess, but he fears that he will says something so scary that her thing will pale in comparison. She says it’s not a human body, and Tom says he would have guessed a torso. She used to work in a lab overrun with rats and gerbils. It was not approved for primate research, but once they were looking for something in the back of a cupboard and found a dried-up monkey head. Its brain had been removed, so the cranial case was open and the skin had dried away from it. Tom GOMPs her for scaring him and giving him monkey head nightmares.

- Hank from Monroe, NY, calls (starts at 40:17) to talk about "this mischief stuff", but Tom cans him. He could feel that he was going somewhere he’s not supposed to go. If nothing else, he was likely about to say “fugettaboutit”, which is an automatic GOMP.

The one and Only and definitely not from Olney: The Misfits -- with American's favorite erotic fiction writer on drums -- rock for snowboarders

- An 18-year-old caller from Alberta, Canada discusses (starts at 40:47) his boring Halloween because he retired from the trick-or-treating game three years ago. He’s living in a basement apartment so he’s completely severed from the holiday festitivies. Tom serenades him with a verse from what appeared to be a nice little ditty: “Baaaasement apartment, how did you fall so far?” Tom wants to hear more about his subterranean living quarters, specifically if it floods every time it rains. The caller has not experienced any flooding, but he can see it coming soon. Tom takes back his mocking tune because he realizes that the kid is only 18 and fresh out of the coop. Tom applauds his efforts to strike out on his own and continue his schooling at the University of Lethbridge. When he grows up, he wants to be a rock star, but he doesn’t shred and his lyrics lack emotional potency. Tom says he must have confidence because even the worst people think they are good. If he can’t summon that mindset, Tom advises that he get out of the rock star game.

The caller thinks he’s better than most musicians, but he also believes that if you are going to be in music these days, you should be really amazing. Tom adds another option: really terrible. The caller is currently working on a drone project that he compares to a fun version of Earth. Tom doesn’t like it. He loves it. He’s also currently in a Misfits cover band that makes all their lyrics Christmas-y. Hence, the fun party band is called The Chrisfits, who are not slick like their inspiration. Tom doesn’t like it. The caller boldly besmirches the present-day Misfits, and Tom wants him to take it back because he thinks they’re better than ever. The caller’s drummer agrees with Tom. Tom played “Horror Business” in his opening set, and while that’s good, it is a notch below the current version of the band. To prove it, Tom plays a snippet of the Jerry Only-fronted lineup tearing through a cover of the Drifters’s “This Magic Moment”. Tom mentions that this track is the connection between the caller and Spike.

The caller thinks Only still retains a little bit of cred, but he’s completely soared on Michale Graves because he’s a Republican. Tom wants to know why that's a problem. The caller says he doesn’t think Graves is an educated Republican like Tom. Tom points out that he’s not educated and will do whatever the party officials tell him. He got an e-mail today about his next mission: protest outside the house of stem-cell enthusiast Michael J. Fox. Tom doesn’t know why, but he will show up. The caller says that Spin City was liberal hogwash/propaganda. Tom didn’t see that movie. The caller says it’s the one where MJF turns into a werewolf and plays basketball, but Tom catches him being silly because everyone knows that’s Teen Wolf. The caller was hoping to riff with Tom, but instead he was GOMPed.

- Get Off My Bone calls (starts at 47:28) to man up and apologize for the scream. He attributes the scream to his daughter, who was going out as Macaulay Culkin. Tom accepts the apology, but GOMB already blew it.

- A caller from Garfield thinks (starts at 48:15) he’s calling Total Request Live. He wants to top Colleen’s monkey head find, but he doesn’t get a chance.

- Dylban from Monroe makes (starts at 49:23) the high-pitch sounds that accompany the shower scene in Psycho, which he believes is the best horror movie ever. Tom gets rid of him and thinks that this show is shaping up to be his own horror movie. Weirdos who are stuck home without an invite to a Halloween party are taking it out on The Kid.

- Dennis, an actual kid, gets (starts at 50:31) Tom by answering "the sky" when asked what was up. He says he’s from Paramus but the doubt in his voice leads Tom to ask if he’s been kidnapped. He repeats that he’s from Paramus with more confidence, indicating that it's his legit hometown and not one he's adopted in the course of an abduction. He did not trick-or-treat this year because he’s getting too tall and is intimidated by the reactions he gets. He's only 10, but since he looks older, people either don’t answer the door or treat him “funky”. He didn’t really want to go out anyway because sticking out a bag and saying “trick or treat” is disrespectful, akin to rude demand of “give me the candy”. Tom appreciates his good manners and morals. He did, however, go to school dressed as Ozzy Osbourne. He even brought his guitar to complete the authentic Ozzman look.

Tom thinks Ozzy’s a good guitarist (Dennis claims he’s a singer) and does a rendition of his guitar and vocal intro to one of his more popular songs. Dennis forgot the name of the song. Tom can’t place it either, but he thinks it might be “Boogie Shoes”. I was stumped for days, but after nearly giving up, it came to me: “Mr. Crowley”. Tom wants to know what other cool costumes he saw at school. He saw someone dressed up like a nerd with a bloody pencil lodged in his skull and fake buckteeth. This was enough to win the best costume award. Dennis won nothing, although he didn’t expect any honors. He votes for himself as the dumbest costume. Tom gives him a prize, but it’s yet another dumbest costume award.

- 26-year-old Dan in Bloomfield calls (starts at 54:10) to say that he's waiting to pillage his younger sister’s loot. She’s 13 and went as some sort of princess/witch amalgamation. Dan’s hoping for a good haul. I think Dan's audio costume was a bit too much Joe Torre and not enough Lou Pinella.

- Dave in Manhattan calls (starts at 55:01) with some insight into Halloween in Puerto Rico. He just got back from a trip to see his wife, who is still there visiting her parents. Dave discovered that the kids down there take Halloween a lot more seriously than their US and A counterparts. His father-in-law is a real cranky old man who keeps the lights off. The kids knew he was home, but he doesn’t give out candy because he doesn’t want them on his property. He got an update from his wife, who told him that kids threw two dozen rotten eggs at the house. She had to close the windows to avoid vomiting from the foul odor. They don’t have any air conditioning, so now she’s dying from the heat. Tom doesn’t think his father-in-law is much of a prize with his lack of AC and refusal to buy $3 worth of candy to stop his house from getting attacked with rotten eggs. Dave and Macchiavelli agree. Mike tells Tom that Dave’s father-in-law in on line 4. Tom tries to take the call, but the line gets disconnected.

- A caller asks (starts at 56:49) about The Zombies show Tom went to a few weeks ago as part of the Little Steven’s Underground Garage tour. Tom says that while Colin Blunstone still has a good voice, he thought the band members took the stage as actual zombified remains. The caller saw them in another city on the same tour and thought they were about what he expected for a collection of old guys. Little Steven did the band intro (“We’ve got one of the coolest bands in the planet"), which was along the same lines as his recent hyperbolic praise of one-hit wonders Shadows of Knight that Tom viewed online. Little Steven argued that none of them would have been there without the influence of Shadows of Knight, so now Tom knows who to hate.

The caller says that Rod Argent dropped a lot of names during the show, trying to impress the crowd with stories about talking to Tom Jones. He did the same thing at Tom’s show, noting that one of the band members played with Nik Kershaw at Live Aid. Tom points out that Kershaw is terrible. The caller said his audience was filled with clueless hipsters in their 20s who were likely unable to make sense of the banter. Tom thought the song selection was terrible. It started off with Motown songs like “What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted”, a song that Tom does not recall from The Zombies' catalog. Then they did Argent’s “Hold Your Head Up”. Tom thinks that track should be deleted from the set list until the Argent reunion hits the road. Tom was about to walk out, but then they started a few good songs. The caller’s show ended with “Summertime”. If Tom heard them launch into the slowest dirge ever, the leaving would have been easy. He got “Time of the Season” and took off during the 2006-style guitar solo that never existed on record.

- Jeff calls (starts at 1:02) to say that he was turned off by the slutty Halloween outfit worn by a girl he likes. Tom was turned off by his call to the program.

Who's that?: Next year, Tristan will go as Feral Boy, but he'll be mistaken for a hobbit by his classmates

- Tristan calls (starts at 1:03) to offer Tom some camaraderie since he, too, was a little let down by his peers on Halloween. Despite having a lot of work to do, he spent all last night working on his costume to ensure its awesomeness. He turned 20 a couple of weeks ago, so he's not trick-or-treating -- he just likes dressing up and enjoying the holiday. Tom says it ain't no crime to like Halloween. Tristan thought that he put together a killer Mad Max costume, but nobody in his college knows who that is because they never saw the film series. Some of them could not even place the character in the realm of cinema. Other costumes included weak efforts like a girl in cat ears and a guy wearing a yellow leotard. Tristan's position is that if people are going to dress up, they should have some pride and put in the requisite time. He did eventually get properly identified by two people, which was like finding an oasis in the desert.

Tom almost got beat up one year because of his choice of costume. He got two magnetic "Support Our Troops" ribbons, stapled them together at the ovals, and ran a string around the back. He put it on like the mask worn by Robin (Tristan wanted to sound smart, so he says he was told that is called a domino mask) -- each eye peered through the opening in the ribbons. Then he put on a black shirt and stapled another ribbon to the front of that. Then he put on a pair of yellow dishwarshing gloves and stapled two tiny ribbons to each glove. And with that flourish, Ribbon Man was born. Tom didn't realize how seriously military men took the patriotic ribbons. Tom announced his presence, but he was not well received and quickly discarded his costume. Ribbon Man was dead.

- Officer Tom calls (starts at 1:08) from the squad car as he prowls around sort of looking for mischievous kids. He’s employing a semi-blind eye and just trying to keep the peace and keep the youngsters moving. He did get a call from a woman after someone in a purple gorilla suit threw a bunch of bananas at her and ran away. Tom would call the cops in that scenario because he’d be terrified of waking up at 3 a.m. and seeing the purple gorilla staring at him through the window. OT brought the underling out earlier this afternoon as they chaperoned a trick-or-treating jaunt. She made her own superhero costume complete with a cape, calling herself SuperAlex. Her powers remain undetermined.

OT will attend the WFMU Record Fair, which will feature pizza and alcohol for the obese and liquor-plagued. I'm assuming that there was a steady flow of pies at Zachary Brimstead, Esq.'s table. A few years ago I bought some really rare Dapper Dans and Legendary West Hoover Barbershop Sparrows vinyl from him. OT hopes to see the FOTs he likes at the Record Fair and plans to bring an extra OT bobblehead doll to auction for charity.

He switches the topic to cinema since he saw the new cop movie with Leonardo Dicaprio, which he gives 6 out of 5 bullets. His partner, Rick, informs him that the film was called The Departed. He also blasts the sireen per OT’s request. OT says that Rick often works on the rescue squad in JC, and Tom wants to know why. OT offers to put him on, but Tom is afraid of him. He doesn’t want to incite some kind of “cop rage” like Ray Liotta in Unlawful Entry. Mike did not like The Departed, and a surprised OT wants an explanation. Mike says the story didn’t make sense and anybody who likes it is stupid. OT promises to work up a year-end cinema wrap-up for The Best Show.

- DJ Terre T from WFMU gives (starts at 1:15) Tom an enthusiastic booya in honor of his new hero. Tom says that he wishes he was going as Jim Cramer for Halloween. Tom mentions that Cramer will be one of the keynote speakers at the Learning Annex's Real Estate and Wealth EXPO in a couple of weeks. Other speakers will include Donald Trump and Robert Kiyosaki, who wrote Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Tom bought it at the airport and thinks it’s one of the three most offensive books ever. Terre T also thought it was dreadful. Tom was disgusted by Kiyosaki's decision to throw his "Poor Dad", a PhD and respected educator, under the bus in favor of his surrogate "Rich Dad", his best friend's father who dropped out of school in eighth grade and became a self-made millionaire anyway. Tom imagines his real father discovering the book, getting light-headed, and sitting down in the Barnes and Nobles in a state of shock. As he flipped through its pages, he'd wonder what he did to deserve such treatment by his son. All he did was teach kids and never once murdered anyone with an ax.

Terre T shifts the conversation back to Halloween by asking if anyone else noticed a trend she observed in Newbridge Heights: really, really hott moms out with their cute kids. While the kids were dressed as dinosaurs, pumpkins, or tiger, the moms are rocking hott costumes like a foxy witch thing or bunny ears. Tom says it’s not the old days, but Terre finds it disturbing to have your mom all hotted out. Tom believes the moms should do and wear whatever they want. Terre T got no trick-or-treaters at her abode in Newbridge, although she may have missed them due to a late return home from work. Tom thinks her bad, MIA form makes her a prime candidate for an egging. Tom has a system in place at his house in Natas Acres. When he’s not there, he mounts a bird feeder (hopefully with a high-end, Keith Kincaid-approved bracket) on the door and fills it with candy. It dispenses one piece at a time. Terre T used the honor system one year and it worked because all the hott moms prevented a raid on her unguarded stash.

- Petey calls (starts at 1:22) with slurred speech that prompts Tom to ask him if he's recovering from dental surgery. Petey went trick-or-treating with a toy apple and gives a sample of it's ring. It did yield him some candy, although he decides to eat some Doritos. Petey wonders why Tom did not go trick-or-treating with friends. Tom says it’s because he’s not friendly with any nine-year-olds, but Petey suggests that he could have gone with Mike. Tom tells Petey that a solo adult is bad, but two adults trick-or-treating together is even worse. Petey got a tube filled with stained mini-Chiclets. He threw it out. Tom tries to get Petey to admit that he partook of a little side salad in the bushes. Petey denies it and says he's not even familiar with weed. Petey continues to eat Doritos, so he’s GOMPed. Tom does not believe that makes for great radio -- having a snack is not a valid performance piece. Sometimes eating Doritos is just eating Doritos. If Tom was Petey, he would have gone out as punk hero Pete Seeger. Tom imagines the skin of Seeger's banjo ripping when he smashes it over his head. As The Gorch might say: Pete Seger = Beat Up.

- BT calls (starts at 1:25) in the midst of a giggle fit (thus earning the demented moniker of "Dr. Giggles") from Tom’s Seeger remarks. He can’t believe Tom hates the nice old guy. Tom thinks he’s a coward for running from the authorities by singing benign fluff like "Frog Went A-Courtin'" while Woody Guthrie stuck to his guns and went down hard. Tom likes BT's laugh, so he wants to play a round of “Make Me Laugh”. BT tells an awful, North Carolina-based “joke” featuring Deadwood vocabulary like “ornery”. After what was apparently the punch line, Tom is silent and thinks there’s more. That was it, and BT orders Tom to laugh. Tom wants to know what he’s supposed to laugh at, so BT tells him that a joke has been unfurled. Tom wants to know what the joke is. BT repeats the punchline: “God’s gone missing and they think we’ve got something to do with it.” Tom’s still not laughing. Tom wants to find out if he could make BT laugh by simply making a sound. BT compares the noise Tom emits to a zen koan Mu (I was thinking the same thing!), but doesn't laugh. As he suspected, Tom then gets BT to laugh by saying that he laughed at the sound.

Tom wants to know how he conducts his trick-or-treating business since he’s required by law to be 50 feet away from anyone under 18. BT says nobody comes to his house because the kids know to avoid that house. He’s the resident scary dude in the neighborhood, and he starts scaring Tom by suggesting that he’s building something evil in his lair. Tom begs him not to kill him, but BT says he’s actually harmless because he teaches yogurt and meditates.

Tom: You teach yogurt?
BT: Yoga.
Tom: Yoga? What’s that?
BT: You don’t know what Yoga is?
Tom: Is it like a fat-free yogurt?
BT: Yoga’s a form of … you know what Yoga is, how could anyone on this continent not know what Yoga is?
Tom: I don’t know what it is.
BT: Well …
Tom: What is it?
BT: Y-O-G-A.
Tom: Y-O-G-A. Ok, well tell me about YOGA.
BT: Well, Yoga’s a practice, most commonly, it’s a practice of exercise and meditation.
Tom: Okay.
BT: It’s a class you take. Yoga classes, they offer them at all the gyms.
Tom: Like a cooking class?
BT: No, it’s exercise.
Tom: Okay.
BT: It’s exercise and meditation and breathing.
Tom: Ahhh … so you have to be pretty patient, otherwise you’re gonna burn the stuff.
BT: Well, Yoga can be pretty fast-moving, it can be a pretty good workout.
Tom: That’s like when you’re fryin’ something?
BT: Yeah ... that’d be the Yang side of it. Then you have the Ying side, which is very soft and gentle. The Ying and Yang.
Tom: The Yin and Yang? So you make Chinese food or something?
BT: Uh, yeah … mostly Japanese.
Tom: What is … like what, eggrolls?
BT: No, um … brown rice, shiitake mushrooms, scallions …
Tom: Let me get this … hold on … so you teach a cooking class, like Japanese food?
BT: Well, I do teach a cooking class, and I also teach Yoga. We started off talking about the Yoga.
Tom: Yeah, which is what I thought we were talking about.
BT: Well, Yoga is a natural, hygienic health care system.
Tom: So you keep a pretty clean kitchen when you teach your Yoga class.
BT: Yes. Absolutely.
Tom: Okay. I’d be interested in trying some of this Yoga.
BT: You should look into it.
Tom: Like what is your favorite dish to make?
BT: My favorite dish? I’d have to say is brown rice with uh …
Tom:What happened to the rice? Why is it brown? Oh, I know: soy sauce.
BT: No, no … it’s a variety of rice.
Tom: I like soy sauce also.
BT: Pardon me?
Tom: I like a lot of soy sauce on my rice also.
BT: No, you don’t put the soy sauce on the rice.
Tom: You don’t?
BT: Maybe you’d come up to our class. I’d invite you as my guest.
Tom: Like your Yoga cooking class.
BT: Yeah, we have a class called “Vegetarian Cooking Workshop”.
Tom: Which is Yoga.
BT: No, Yoga is the class that is primarily focused on the exercises of Yoga, the postures.
Tom: Ahhh … I … you … I’m really confused now.
BT: Yeah …
Tom: Somebody on the chat is saying that Yoga is a form of cooking.
BT: Cooking?!
Tom: Yes, that’s what we’re talking about.
BT: No, no. I mean, good diet is part of Yoga practice. Vegetarian diet is part of the Yoga practice.
Tom: Somebody is saying Yoga is a form of cooking which incorporates Japanese food and Japanese vegetables. Like what are Japanese vegetables?
BT: No, that’s totally a misconception. Y-O-G-A, Yoga?
Tom: That’s what they’re saying.
BT: It comes from India, not Japan, and it’s a practice of meditation and physical exercise.
Tom: I don’t know who to believe.
BT: Well, you can believe me because I’m a certified Yoga instructor.
Tom: Well this guy’s saying he’s a certified Yoga instructor.
BT: Well, you better question him.
Tom: Or you.
BT: Well, you can question me.
Tom: I feel like I’m like in a situation, everybody’s got a gun pointed at each other.
BT: No, Yoga is a practice, it’s called the Asanas, the Asanas are the postures or the physical movements of exercise in a Yoga class.
Tom: He’s saying this guy is a fraud, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
BT: He’s just trying to stir up trouble, I guess, because … I don’t know, look it up for yourself.
Tom: Okay.
BT: I’m not gonna debate with him about that. That’s ridiculous.
Tom: He says that this guy’s a liar. He knows nothing about Yoga.
BT: I’ve been teachin’ it for 10 years.
Tom: his guy says he’s been teaching it for 12.
BT: Cooking classes?
Tom: Yes.
BT: Definitely diet is part of Yoga.
Tom: He says the thing that he makes the best in his Yoga class is General Tso’s hot dogs.
BT: [giggling] Okay. [more giggling]
Tom: What is that like? Do you make that?
BT: No … no.
Tom: Do you like hot dogs?
BT: You know, I ate a hot dog about five years ago, and I really liked it. But it’s not something I would eat.
Tom: They don’t have them down there?
BT: Up here.
Tom: Up here? Where are you?
BT: Sussex County, New Jersey.
Tom: Oh, man, I thought you said you were in North Carolina. Now I’m scared -- your close. Eww, boy.
BT: Oh, yeah, I’m close.
Tom: Don’t kill me. Please.
BT: Why’d I say North Carolina, we were talking about …
Tom: Oh, I think it was in your terrible joke. The joke took place in North Carolina.

BT explains that it was joke told by Doc Watson, who is the best flatpicking guitarist in the country. When he plays live, he always stops and tells a little joke, and BT plucked this one from one of his CDs. Tom says it was not a “little joke” since it took four minutes to tell. BT says he tried to make it quick. Tom thinks that stuff might fly in his Yoga class when he’s manning the griddle, but it’s not worthy of The Best Show. BT says he usually gets a laugh out of it, but speculates that something was lost in the translation over the phone and on the radio. He says it’s better in person, but Tom says that’s because his audience is afraid of him and laugh out of fear of being killed in the parking lot. BT giggles at Tom’s suggestion that he’s a murderer. Tom tells him to have a good night and lets him go, presumably back to his devilish workshop to continue fashioning Belty-grade weaponry.

- Sam from Milburn, NJ, calls (starts at 1:37) on his 18th birthday to point out that all of the Yoga talk is crazy because it has nothing to do with Halloween. All the Yoga talk is making Tom hungry. Sam thinks Halloween is supposed to be about candy and making dentists unhappy. Sam thinks it’s good that Tom is hungry, but he should satiate himself with sweets instead of General Tso’s hot dogs. Sam understands how easy it is to get hungry when subjected to BT’s rantings about brown rice, soy sauce, and Japanese hot dogs. He simply prefers to discuss scaring children and upsetting dentists with new cavities. Sam did not go trick-or-treating, but he will be able to dip into the candy purchased for kids coming to the house. He was out with his friends, but he guesses that nobody came because it’s a lonely neighborhood. Sam doesn’t know what else to say, but Tom knows what he will say: GOMP.

Tom thinks the show is still stalled on the runway awaiting take-off. He now knows how the astronauts feel when NASA postpones a launch for 10 days due to bad weather.

- Jim E. from Louisville obeys (starts at 1:39) Mike's command to talk about Halloween by picking a topic called “Why Aren’t Kids Trick-or-Treating Anymore?” He lives in a rich neighborhood with all the good candy, but nobody showed up. When he was a kid, the neighborhood was flooded with kids, but they’ve all evaporated from the scene these days. He also wanted to ask Tom about Dane Cook’s recent Home Box Office special, Vicious Circle. Tom immediately starts laughing because he thought it was a fun special. Jim E. thought the Lenny Kravitz-style stadium that was erected for the show was like a crazy God/Pharaoh thing. He suspects that the craftsmen were not thrilled about having to build the elaborate set for something like Dane Cook. Tom actually doesn't like Cook, and Jim E. mentions the excessive use crazy camera cuts during the show. Tom thinks those are a great way to put people in a laughing mood. Jim E. was pleased that Cook helped him relate to what it's like to lie down on a couch by replicating the act on the surface of the stage. Tom's bummed out by the lack of kids calling, so he's moving on. Halloween is over. Tom blames the parents.

- Matt from Burlington, Vermont, calls (starts at 1:44) to talk about the best part of Halloween. He’s excited about tomorrow when his alarm clock sireen blares at 6:00 a.m. sharp, and he races out to buy up all the half-price candy. Matt loves candy, and his favorite is Almond Joy. He likes the coconut, which is not as prevalent outside the realm of chocolate samplers. Tom sums up the call by saying that the two things Matt likes are coconut and ruining his show. He’s GOMPed. Tom wants to get a new game rolling, not talk about coconut.

- Since the show was stalled, Tom launches (starts at 1:47) a new game called Pay Me. It’s based on the notion that one would require monetary compensation to see a particularly bad moviefilm or do something unpleasant. Tom wants to put an official price tag on these torturous acts. For example, Tom would need $30 to sit through Clint Eastwood’s Flags Of Our Fathers. Here's a rundown of the Pay Me pilot:

* The first player proposes seeing Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette. He would want $15 on top of the ticket price. Tom was thinking of the same number. Tom throws one at him: The Last Kiss, the recent Zach Braff vehicle. The caller would do it for a mere $9. Tom wants $80 on top of the ticket price based on his displeasure with Garden State.

* A caller wants Tom to pay him $200 to rent Steel Magnolias and watch it twice. Tom thinks it's a little steep, but the caller won't do it for anything less than that. Tom would do it for $25.

* Jeff from Middletown was wondering how much he'd have to pay Tom to acquire Clerks II on DVD. Tom clarifies that he's really talking about the indignity of walking up to the counter at a retail outlet. Jeff allows Tom to purchase other DVDs to apply the cloaking "sandwich move". The most embarrassing scenario for Tom would be to go to Best Buy at 10 a.m. on the Tuesday of its release, run in as soon as the sliding doors are activated, grab only Clerks II, and dart towards the cashier. The only thing that would top it would be buying it at midnight at a Virgin Megastore. Tom would need a full $100 for that, but would do the sandwiching for $10. He's not concerned what the Best Buy employee will think of him, and, if asked, he will say he's buying Clerks II for his cousin. Tom throws one at Jeff: he has to watch Scrubs season 3 in daily, four-episode sessions until it's completed. Jeff would charge $75.

Despite all my rage, I am still just a chicken in a really weird Herzog film

* Chris L wonders how much it would take for Tom to sit through a marathon of the Saw horror series. Tom moans at the thought of it and charges $300 for the trilogy. He can also look forward to more Jigsaw antics in Saw 4 next Halloween. Tom thinks the franchise will finally fizzle out with the seventh installment. (Tom later reveals that Hostel would cost $150 and three of them would rise to $500. Tom will get closer to that payday when Hostel, Part 2 is released in January.) Tom asks Mike if he's seen any of the Saw films, and he responds by saying, "Are you kidding me?" Tom's not sure if that means yes or no. Mike lent Tom Werner Herzog's depressing Stroszek, and he's still a bit disturbed by having to endure a chicken jumping around in a cage for five minutes. Mike touted it as the film that pushed Ian Curtis to hang himself. Tom can understand where Curtis was coming from.

Tom goes off on a mini-Fight Club riff, declaring it one of the five worst movies he's seen and vowing not to add anyone on Myspace who lists it in their profile, even if everything else is in sync with his tastes. He will also report the user to Myspace. Chris L's notes the hypocrisy of Brad Pitt's character arguing that you are not the sum of your possessions while seemingly pillaging every vintage thrift store to assemble the perfect outfit. Chris L leaves to remove the Fight Club quote from his page. The Pay Me game has the show airborne.

* DJ Terre T thinks Chris L is psychic because she was going to ask Tom about Fight Club and Saw III. Terre asks Tom how much it would take to get him to watch Spike fave Last House On The Left. Tom says there is a horror film that is even more gruesome, but he won't reveal it because the mere mention of its title will give him bad dreams. Terre guesses 8mm (incorrect, though it is one of the worst movies Tom's ever seen), Employee of the Month, The Exorcist, and Rosemary's Baby. My guess: Trent L. Strauss's Nurse Sleaze. Terre's price for Last House On The Left is $2,000 to compensate for the 10 psychotherapy sessions that would follow. Tom would see it for $200.

Tom doesn't need any cash-incentive to see bad comedies like Employee of the Month because they serve as fuel that gets him up in the morning. They offer a peak into the state of affairs in the world and inspire The Kid to get to work. Terre fires again with the 14-hour epic Forrest Gump. Tom prices it at $75, but quickly ups it to $90 as it runs through his mind. Tom dreads another viewing of the hippie rally at the Washington Monument. Tom found it difficult to decided who to root for less -- the hippes or Forrest Gump. Terre closes with any current Robin Williams movie, such as Man of the Year. Tom would need $110 to see this late-period Barry Levinson movie. Tom wonders when someone is going to tell Levinson that his career is over unless he starts paying for his films out of his own pocket.

* Mike asks about The Usual Suspects, and Tom says that while he didn't love it, he'd have no problem watching it again.

* A caller offers the 147-minute Grateful Dead: Ticket to New Year's Eve Concert, which includes a drums/space intermission. Tom imagines that an irresponsible hippie messed up and had the band start the countdown at 11:55 p.m. or 12:08 a.m. He wants $400.

* A caller wants the bill for Tom watching an entire season of The O.C. -- just the actual episodes, no DVD bonus features. Tom's only seen about four minutes of the series and wants $1,000 to watch another 20 hours. Note: While the standard is 22 episodes per season, The O.C. has bombarded the public with 27, 24, and 25 episodes in its first three seasons. I think they need the extra episodes to make good on all that indie label payola. "Hey, Josh, we're gonna need five more episodes. We just got those Rogue Wave b-sides and Saddle Creek wants Bright Eyes to do a four-week residency at the Bait Shop." The caller also wants Tom's price for Titanic, and he thinks she may have hit the jackpot. He's only seen the first 40 minutes (nothing had happened yet) and wants $200 for the rest. The caller thinks it's worth the $200 to see Kate Winslet naked. (If Winslet nudity is what you're after, then you've got about 16 films less grueling than Titanic to choose from.) The caller has seen portions of the film about 10 times and may have cried during her first theatrical viewing at age 13.

* Paycheck calls to take a break from carving the Halloween turnip, a Canadian tradition. Instead of American-style candy corn, they have leaf-emblazoned maple corn. Paycheck has a bit of an abstract twist for the game: how much would he have to pay Tom to not watch any more episodes of the Steve Coogan comedy Saxondale until 2015. Tom wants $1,500 and thinks he'll find enough other entertainment product to keep him going for the next 9 years. Paycheck also wants a price check on how much it would cost for Tom to spend a week solo in Disneyland. Tom thinks it might be fun for the first four hours, but is concerned about his mental state at day five. Tom needs $10,000, and Paycheck says the check is in the mail.

* Benjamin in Queens wants to know how much it would take for Tom to view the Firefly series, as well as the resulting Serenity feature film. The screening may take place in a geeky festival setting. Tom wanted to see it, but he got the sense that something was wrong with it. Benjamin watched it, but he got a sneaking suspicion that there's nothing redeeming about it and began to wonder about the sanity of its cult followers. Tom gives him a bargain at $40. The situation would be much different if the material in question was the full run of water torture like Farscape or Stargate SG-1. Those series would set the caller back $17,000. Tom has one for Benjamin: he has one week to jam on all 201 episodes of The Cosby Show. He'll need $7,500 to account for not being able to work, the physical discomfort of the marathon shifts, and the recovery time.

* Betsy from Queens wants to know Tom's fee for enduring the Costner-and-Kutcher vehicle The Guardian. Tom only needs $20 to watch the diving picture. Betsy would charge $200 because the two leads are like the perfect storm of not good for her.

* Christopher from Rhode Island wants to know how much he would have to pay Tom to be locked in a room for three hours with every surface covered with a wall-size posters of the cover of Lenny Kravitz's Baptism album. Tom would have to sit there in silence and contemplate that image. Tom would be up for the endurance challenge and would do it for free. He thinks he would either emerge stronger than ever or completely ruined. Christopher's money is on the latter. While he has faith in Tom's fortitude, the visuals may be too destructive. He agrees to pay Tom a $100 mechanical fee. After reviewing the cover later in the show, Tom begins rethinking his pro bono stance and eventually requests $4,000.

* Roger in NYC wants to know how much he'd have to pay Tom to listen to every song featuring Phil Collins on lead vocals. Everything is in play -- the "Easy Lover" duet with Philip Bailey of Earth, Wind, & Fire, the Genesis stuff, the solo stuff (including, of course, the forays into horn-laded R&B), and even "Seperate Lives" from the soundtrack to White Nights. The worst for Tom would be his work on the Tarzan soundtrack. Roger says the tour through the discography would be in reverse chronological order, which means for the first time in his life, Tom would be looking forward to getting to the "Paperlate". Tom wants $7,500, and Roger says he will work hard to earn the money for the transaction. Tom's response is "please don't."

Genesis - "Paperlate"

Tom's glad the show got back on track because the increasingly rough Mennen guys wrote him on his Blueberry and told him to tell him to start bringing it. Tom observes that the chowderheads and kooks came out for the Halloween open phones, but once the breakout call-in game started, order was restored. Tom's still a bit disappointed that the empowering Turk 182 It game was a total flop a few weeks ago. He suspects people must enjoy getting crushed under the thumb of society.

- Dennis Lindsey checks in (starts at 2:35) to find out if Tom got his dates mixed up. Tom explains that he got stuck at work and then had to go straight to the station. Dennis appreciated that Tom left a bowl on his porch with a note allowing the Lindsey kids to take two extra handful. However, he was upset when his kids told him that the treats were generic Tylenol. Tom disputes the claim and says he gave out miniature Milky Way bars. Dennis doesn't think Tom has what it takes to rise to the challenge and thinks he would last four days in his office before security had to escort him off the premises. Dennis calls Tom a "sissy" for these shortcomings and would have used a more intense slur along the lines of "antique dealer" if he wasn't on the radio. Dennis hopes Tom is saving up to resod his lawn next spring because son already destroyed Tom's it with his Chevy Tahoe. After this landscaping work, Dennis and his son drove down the street to retrieve a full garbage can in an attempt to spew refuse on Tom's property. Dennis missed and ended up littering Tom's neighbor's yard. These acts were retribution for Tom breaking his promise and making his daughter to cry.

Tom says that sometimes real life gets in the way of prior commitments and wonders what Dennis would do if he had to forsake something because of a business trip. Dennis he would have one of his supervisors stand in for him at home and would have preferred that Tom hired someone to give out the candy at his house. Dennis repeats his desire for pizza or Hot Pockets, but Tom reminds him that those items were never going to make an appearance. Dennis tells him to enjoy his new erosion problem, and Tom thanks him for admitting it on the air so he has a solid case to present to the cops. Dennis views this as the start of a neighborhood war, but Tom says he's simply sticking up for himself. Dennis thinks he can talk to the cops and have the matter dropped. He threatens Tom by saying it will be a legal matter than he'll take to his grave. Tom cleanses himself with some Snapple white tea with a subtle green apple flavor. Snapple Real Fact: "Horseback riding can improve your posture."

Not so Modern Times: The making of Bob Dylban's tribute to Leon Redbone and megaphone crooning

- Tom does (starts at 2:47) a rapid-fire Unfair Record Review of Bob Dylban's Modern Times, his third masterpiece in a row. Here's a summary of its offenses:

* Lead-off track "Thunder on the Mountain" = Holy Moly in a bad way.

* "Spirit on the Water" sounds like bad Leon Redbone. Tom thought that Bob Dylan used to be good, but now he sounds like the guy doing the Mr. Belvedere theme. Tom thinks Dylan appears to be dying in this song.

* "When the Deal Goes Down" suggests that Dylan is actually pinching his nose while singing.

* Tom alternates "Someday Baby" with Redbone's Mr. Belvedere theme ("According To Our New Arrivals"), which is much preferable at only 30 seconds long. Tom was also a fan of the show and its talented young star, Bob Uecker.

* While playing "Workingman's Blues #2", Tom switches his allegiance to the people who have long complained about Dylan's nasally vocal style.

* "Beyond the Horizon" sounds like megaphone crooning; Tom thinks Tony Randall's Vo Vo De Oh Doe clobbers Modern Times, which is just a cheap Xerox.

* Tom agrees with a lyric in "Nettie Moore" that indicates that something is out of whack.

* Tom quickly aborts the jaunty, shuffling "The Levee's Gonna Break" so he's not forced to break the CD.

* Tom can only handle a few seconds of "Ain't Talkin'" because he's unable to keep pretending that it's anything other than the worst thing he's ever heard. Tom would much rather listen to the Leon Redbone (aka "The Master") song.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: The Scores ladies finally show up to shave balloons and conduct a Yoga cooking class, Tom demands payment of $500,000 to be strapped into a chair for 24 hours while a Spike-curated doo-wop mix CD and late-period Urge Overkill plays on an endless loop, and Pete Seeger calls to challenge Tom to step into the nonagon and slap it out.

**********

Here's a classic treat from the Omar archives. When I was eight, I had a BAD Halloween. I documented my displeasure by writing a note that cited the 10 reasons why I hated it. Background: My mom and grandmother crafted a Robin Hood costume, which I was excited to wear for a day of traditional Halloween fun. I awoke to intense, flu-like symptoms, but I was determined to make a go of it. I donned the outfit, strapped on my bow and arrow set, and headed out for some swashbuckling income redistribution. Upon arriving at school, it was clear that I was not going to make it. My teacher -- the Miss Bruno referenced in the note -- got the first and only school-based glimpse of my ensemble. She praised its likeness to the real Robin Hood, and then I returned home to bed. Click the thumbnails to hear more about this sad tale of defeats, an ill-advised pass on the town parade, and a candyless fate that was even worse than attending church. (Please make note of the extremely straight lines I added to the unruled paper.)

Posted by Omar at 8:53 AM | Permalink | Comments

please shoot
without me i will
figure something
out-my bowels r
out of control
right now and i'm
afraid to get on
the train.

Posted by Omar at 12:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

Feast my dear friends, for there is no tomorrow.

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 10:38 AM | Permalink | Comments

This show is about the creative process. It's not about getting shouts out.

Posted by x amount at 8:59 AM | Permalink | Comments

nice stuff to put on walls.

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 11:46 AM | Permalink | Comments

The Two Borat Theory.

Omar's take after the jumpings:

Relative to hype (especially Patton's -- and others, like Jeff Garlin -- insistence that it was the funniest movie ever made and that he had to force SBC to stop it for fear of vomiting from laughter): D+

Absent such hyperbole tainting the affair: B-

Quite a mess and often not in a good way. Too much scripted and staged filler amidst about 35 minutes of mostly mid-range Borat stuff largely devoid of anything approaching the exhilarating, incisive satire on display in the HBO series. In the end, BORAT is a lot closer to an arthouse JACKASS than I was expecting. Definitely one of the greatest letdowns in cinema history. I was frequently amazed at how joyless it was. There was like only one good high-five (when he gets the telegram in the hotel about his wife's death-by-bear) and Borat seemed to spend a lot of the film in a kind of depressed stupor. There was a lot less camaraderie with his subjects -- getting them to LIKE him despite his behavior. A NICE exception was the strong driving instructor sequence. Most of the scenes played like lesser remakes of the HBO stuff and lacked much of the subtlety and nuance of that material. The more vulgar, sexytime stuff was definitely more prominent, and the laughs were a lot easier, such as the antique store pratfall (compare that fairly mundane bit of physical comedy to the brilliant way Borat attempted to properly hold a wine glass when being instructed by those two southern gents in Mississippi) and stuff like poop in a bag, although that actually had a really nice and subtle payoff in the closing montage when we saw a brief, additional bit of toiletry instruction from the woman -- her hands mimicked dropping the feces in the bowl, and then her hands rose up as she mouths "disappear".

A large part of the problem was the need -- and I'm not sure it actually was necessary since a pure documentary format would have worked -- to graft a flimsy, traditional quest narrative onto the enterprise, whereas the HBO segments were standalone bits that slowly accrued comedic power (compare the brief scene in which he buys a gun to kill a Jew to the masterful scene with the guy at the gun club in s1). Plus, the ultimate payoff with Pamelas was not that great because she was obviously in on the wedding bag gag, so it was really only a joke to those in attendance at the signing. All of the comedic power was drained from the scene. It was basically just a straightforward action scene.

Some scenes simply did not work at all. The RV frat guy stuff was quite odd, and I couldn't even really figure out what was going in terms of the dynamics of the scene, although it appeared that they were possibly in on the joke. Basically, that scene was just a plot point to set Borat into a depressive haze when he saw Pamelas antics
with Tommy Lee. Their spouting off on cliched dumb frat stuff was so silly -- and drunken -- that it was less revealing and more just goofy. Compare that to the brilliant s2 Bruno scene at Spring Break when he slowly coaxes out the homoeroticism and then homophobia of those goons who taught him wrestling moves. I was also not a fan of the black prostitute, though her entry into the dinner scene did provide a nice moment of tension.

The best scene -- the narrative climax -- was probably the faith healing sequence in which Borat is saves by Mr. Jesus. It was Cohen's best performance, and a case of Borat skillfully integrating himself into a situation that allows him to embrace a foreign culture (in this case, both Cohen as British Jew and Borat as fictional, Jew-hating Kazhak) while simultaneously offering an expose without really passing judgment on his targets. It was an expert use of the traditional Borat approach to advance the story of the film.

Another factor at play was a sense of Borat fatigue, including the presence of about a quarter of the film being online for weeks. Plus, I thought the Cinnabon anoose arrest scene and the cheese, cheese, cheese (another masterful bit of SBC repetition comedy a la Ali G's 99999999999999999999999 bit) scenes were funnier than most of the stuff in the finished film. With two years of filming and, reportedly, enough footage for two additional films, my guess is that they had a potential comedic masterpiece, but it was not releasings to the theater*. Oh, well. Film is great success. Borat will not be execute.

Perhaps the ultimate joke is that this was a Borat dumbed down for the very culture he skewers.

*While a barrage of deleted scenes are certainly destined for DVD, Larry Charles is reportedly also talking to HBO about some Borat specials comprised of the extra footage.

Posted by Omar at 9:30 AM | Permalink | Comments

Tim and Eric report:

Our new show, "Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job." premieres on Adult Swim, Feb 11th! We are taking a break from making TGTTM. The new show is a mostly live action/sketch/variety/insanity experience. You may even see some stuff from Tom show up. If you like our shorts from the website, you'll love this show. If you like "According to Jim" you'll probably hate this show. We are so excited to unleash this thing.

Posted by Omar at 2:38 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 12:42 PM | Permalink | Comments

Can you believe it's been ten years since Kid Koala's Scratchscratchscratch? He's got a new mixtape out now. Much easier to find this time around. It's got a few old-school-Z-Trip-like rock deals. Like this one:

Kid Koala - "Slew Test 2"

( You can even get this Your Mom's Favorite DJ mixtape on compact disc this time around! )

Posted by x amount at 11:07 AM | Permalink | Comments

I would have never been able to reach the summit of Everest earlier this year without this track playing on an endless loop. Higher and higher, straight up I climbed:

Posted by Omar at 8:16 AM | Permalink | Comments

There comes a time when you hit the wall and just can't jog anymore. I proclaim this my power song for said occasion, but only this version of the song**:

**Reason #37 for why I carry along my video iPod on each and every jog.

Posted by mixednut at 4:07 PM | Permalink | Comments

If I had my way, the gym loudspeaker would play this every time I walked out of the locker room and into the treadmill area. Onlookers would stop their workout and stand in awe of my majestic form striding languidly but purposefully and powerfully toward my belted steed. Slowly, ever so slowly, I would approach the mill, enter my workout coordinates, grip the support bar after giving it a slow motion wipe down, and press start. Then I'd frickin' jog. Jog like a mother*$%#er.

Imagine it. I dare you.

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 3:31 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 12:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

"I let out a grunt, squatted down, back up, grunt again. That's it," explained Argibay. "Basically, grunt, grunt, basic breathing in heavy, and breathing out."

Posted by x amount at 11:07 AM | Permalink | Comments

Novelties. Party tricks.

Posted by x amount at 10:12 AM | Permalink | Comments

I dare you to play Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" in the middle of your workout and NOT break into a full out sprint.

Posted by DOP at 9:28 AM | Permalink | Comments

Despite a gag with Sudeikis's arm as a bloody stump spurting blood, the sketch failed to connect at air.

Posted by Omar at 3:50 PM | Permalink | Comments