Predator Strikes Back.
"You're a good person, Spike." -- Tom, after seeing his compassionate side
"I liked him better when he was a wrestler." -- Tom on right-wing talker Michael Savage
"It like describes like I 'unno like the space and time like dependence of like quantum mechanical systems of stuff." -- Pudge, putting a new twist on an old physics classic
"I'm not three, you don't have to say 'bye-bye.' I'm not your baby." -- Tom, demanding more mature farewells
"Eww. I thought I smelled something." -- Tom on the odor still lingering in the JC theater district from Grateful Dead shows in the 1970s
"Ted Leo better get a marionette soon." -- Tom, hooked on puppeteering
"Crack open that wallet, Dad. Chuck E. Cheese don't cost that much." -- Tom, advising against Evan's rest stop frugality
"Sonic reducer ain't no loser. At least for you, if you want to buy the stock." -- Jim Cramer, mixing punk rock and investment tips
"NBC's gonna ankle that laffer, mark my words." -- A caller predicting the premature demise of 30 Rock
"I hate when people lie. Uhh, it burns me." -- The Predator, on the dirty pool of Dateline: NBC and the city of Newbridge
"Kinda like a little hunch, but also leather pants." -- The Predator on his rock star swagger
"Hey, I think I hear this whirring sound underneath your robe. You better watch yourself." -- The Predator, warning a new judge not to repeat the offenses of his predecessor
"If you have the cajones to say that I was me, it's gonna start, okay?" -- The Predator, vowing to fight Tom if he doesn't take a fall for him
"That's like Lou Dobbs making Flamin' Groovies references." -- Paycheck, coming up with an equally weird comparison for Jim Cramer's punk talk
"Guy loves his horses ... and his mysteries." -- Tom on equine-crazed mystery writer, Dick Francis
"The guy's face looks like a mountain range. I thought I was lookin' at the Appalachian mountains." -- Tom on Entertainment Weekly cover boy, Clint Eastwood
"The way that ponytail comes through the back of that hat, man, it drives me crazy every time I see it." -- Dennis Lindsey on his smokin' wife
"Slowhand? I wish he had no hands." -- Tom, not a Clapton fan
"Did the apocalypse happen?" -- Tom, wondering why everyone seems to carrying and concealing handguns
"Chicago: We're Not As Fat As Houston Is." -- Text of new billboard celebrating the Windy City's heart-healthy ways
Bikini Kill - "Tony Randall"
( Click here to buy Reject All American)
Brainiac - "I Am A Cracked Machine"
( Click here to buy Hissing Prigs in Static Couture)
Hoodoo Gurus - "Tojo"
( Click here to buy the remastered Stoneage Romeos)
The Minders - "Go Wave A Wand"
( Click here to buy The Future's Always Perfect)
Sean Na Na - "Grew Into My Body"
( Click here to buy My Majesty)
( Click here to buy Let's Build A Fire)
Annotated highlights of show that was fast to the draw and engaged the hostiles:
Phone Line Update: Tom abandoned Verizon for VOIP juggernaut Vonage, negotiating a deal that drops the cost of each call to a mere 7 cents. Calls will now be channeled through the Internet and deposited into a Usenet newsgroup. Someone in the newsgroup will take the call, convert it to a .wav file, and host it. Mike the Associate Producer will comb through the newsgroups for calls, download them, drag them into Cool Edit, and transform them into show-ready .mp3s. Tom will tap into them via an RSS feed and POT them up.
Savage Nation: Before chewing up liberals, the talk show host took bites out of Slim Jims
- Spike calls (starts at 26:24) to decline an e-mail invitation for the November 4th FOT gathering. He will be out of town visiting some close friends who just suffered a sudden loss. Tom offers his condolences and says that Spike is a good person. Spike agrees and thinks that he's often misunderstood. Tom wants to know what people don't understand about him. After getting a glimpse of his compassionate side, Tom wants to further explore this multifaceted enigma. Spike says that he has a funny side that he doesn't show very often. Tom wants him to be serious and actually reveal some of his other sides. Spike says that Tom is already privy to one of his sides, so he won't go there tonight. Tom, of course, knows this as the boring side. Spike argues unconvincingly that this is his fun side. Tom wants to know if the fun extends beyond doo-wop records and Chucky movies. Spike also likes to exercise with long walks from King's Plaza to Jamaica until the staff at the Baltic Street Treatment Center catches him.
Spike likes ice cream, especially Tofutti Cuties. Tom is a bit creeped out to have something in common with Spike. Tom tries for a simultaneous reveal of their favorite flavor on a 3-count, but Spike prematurely fires with vanilla at the count of 1. He wanted to beat Tom to it -- the competitive side of Spike! He also likes mint. Spike's favorite magazines that are not age-restricted and sold behind a counter are Jet, Ebony, and various soap opera magazines. He occasionally reads Consumer Reports for advice on DVD recorders, VCRs, stereos, and the best orange crates for his basement apartment. Tom points out that CR only accepts advertising from Technics. Spike also reads computer magazines since he bought a fully-loaded PC from the back of a truck. He just finished using it to burn four Bobby Rydell CDs. Tom wants to know if Spike has a problem punishing Rydell by depriving him of royalties. Spike says that Rydell and others of his ilk don't get much of a payout anyway. Tom wonders if that really makes it acceptable to heap more abuse on these poor artists. Spike does not respond.
Spike also likes to make CDs of Mr. Colmes. He's not a fan of his music, but he knows people who are. Tom didn't even know that Alan Colmes played music. Spike says it's not Colmes -- it's the guy who has the fashion line with his name on it. Tom is surprised that he's a Sean Hannity fan because he pegged Spike as more of a Mike Savage guy. Spike has never listened to Mike Savage. Tom liked him better when he was a wrestler, although he sold out by doing the Slim Jim commercials prior to launching his conservative radio show. Spike remembers that he had a woman named Elizabeth. Spike says that he doesn't watch talk shows on television, let alone radio shows. Tom says that he, too, doesn't watch any talk shows on the radio. If Spike is home on a weekday, he will watch Lynn Samuels and Mike Feder on Sirius.
Spike's favorite Sirius channels are the jazz channel (72) for its selection of quality people like Duke Ellington, Billie Holiday (Tom: "He's good"), Lena Horne (Tom: "I like him also."), Count Basie, and Benny Goodman. Tom prefers Don Cherry and Rahsaan Roland Kirk. Spike is not familiar with Kirk, so Tom's gives him a quick sample of his craaaaaazy stylings. Spike also like opera channel (85). Tom congratulates Spike for pulling the anti-trifecta of music: doo-wop, jazz, and opera. Spike tells Tom not to forget Latin music -- the good stuff like Tito Puente, not Little Ricky. Tom thinks Spike is referring to the character from I Love Lucy, but he's actually dipping back into 1998 for a reference to Ricky Martin. This makes Tom think back to that terrible time when Bill Clinton was still in office. Spike thinks it was actually a good year for politics since we were not embroiled in any military conflicts. Tom laments that his boy Gingrich was at his lowest point, but Spike expresses pleasure at Newt's fall. Tom tells Spike that Gingrich will be President in 2008. Spike is not pleased: "God help us all." He doesn't like the ring of President Gingrich. He also doesn't like the ring of that "godawful Napoleon type" becoming President.
Tom: That guy's running for president?
Spike: Yeah, you know, the one who used to be Mayor of New York.
Tom: Napoleon Dynamite?
Spike: The one who used to be Mayor of New York.
Tom: The one who used to be Mayor of New York.
Tom: Oh, Ed Koch.
Spike: No, LaGuardia's dead.
Spike: No. I wish, but no.
Spike: Go back one.
Tom: Go back one. Boss Tweed?
Spike: No, that's going far back as I would've liked.
Tom: Earlier than Boss Tweed? How old is this guy?
Spike: No, earlier than Bloomberg, later than Dinkins.
Tom: Earlier than Bloomberg, later ... I don't know who that is.
Mike gives Tom a sign that says "Enough of Spike", so that's enough of Spike.
I 'unno, kinda exciting, I guess: The Mets' Endy Chavez leaps over the wall to rob Scott Rolen of a home run.
- Pudge thinks (starts at 37:13) Spike call was kinda boring and stuff. Tom wants to know how he's doing, and he's not sure. He guesses he's just hanging out. Tom thinks it would be so much easier if he just said, "I'm doing fine." Pudge says it's more complicated than that because sometimes he's doing fine and sometimes he's just okay. Pudge wants to know if Tom watched Game 7 of the NLCS between the Mets and the Cardinals the other night. Tom saw it. Pudge mentions the play early in the game where that one guy got that ball that seemed like it was gonna be a home run. Tom asks Pudge if he liked it. Pudge isn't sure, but guesses that it was kinda cool. Tom is baffled that Pudge cannot say whether he likes one of the most exciting baseball plays he's ever seen. Pudge does admit that it was kinda cool that he thought it was gonna do something else, and then it kinda did something else. Overall, Pudge guesses it was an okay play. Tom is getting frustrated by his trademark indecisiveness. Tom wants to know if he's a Mets fan. Pudge is in Jersey, so he doesn't really have a team. He thinks the Mets are okay, and if New Jersey or Newbridge had a team, he'd probably be into them. Pudge says he has to get rolling to finish up a "stupid" article he's doing Physics Today.
The story is about putting a new twist on the Schrödinger Equation, the landmark contribution to the field of quantum mechanics proposed by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger in 1925. Pudge says that the equation basically describes the space- and time-dependence of like quantum mechanical systems and stuff. Pudge says that if you think about it, it's like centrally important to the theory of quantum mechanics and kinda plays a role analogous to like Newton's second law of motion and like classical mechanics. Tom wonders if this is what Pudge is into, and Pudge says it's kinda what he's into. Pudge elaborates a bit on the second law, explaining that it's the rate of change in the momentum and stuff of a body, which is proportional to like the net force that's kinda acting on it and stuff. The direction of the change and like the momentum takes place in the direction of that net force and stuff.
Tom thinks this is heavy stuff, so Spike changes the subject to ask Tom if he saw My Chemical Romance on SNL. Tom saw it. Pudge thought it was maybe kinda cool maybe, and Tom tells him that it's okay to have an opinion on something. Pudge thought he liked some of it because it reminded him of the band Queen. Tom also detected that influence, but he's more interested in continuing the discussion of Pudge's knowledge of the physics field. Pudge thinks it's kinda stupid and wants to know why. Pudge says that certain aspects of the article are fun. For example, in the mathematical formulation of quantum mechanics and stuff, each system is kinda associated with a complex Hilbert space and stuff. Tom doesn't know what that is, so Pudge explains that it's a real or complex vector space
Tom concludes that Pudge is really smart. Pudge downplays his intelligence and says that if you just think about it, you'll realize that each instantaneous state of a system is described by like a unit vector in that space. Tom doesn't follow him and thinks he sounds kinda brilliant. Pudge says it's just stuff that he kinda likes doing. He also noticed that it seemed like it was the longest time it ever took to have Amy Poehler in a sketch on SNL. Tom didn't notice it, but says it's probably just the way the show broke when they were arranging and flipping the sketches. Pudge says it just seemed like it took awhile to get in her there. He's not sure if he's a fan, but she sometimes makes him laugh in films like Mean Girls. He didn't like "Big Wigs", a recent sketch in which Poehler and host Jaime Pressly played corporate executives sporting actual oversized wigs.
Tom says he's having trouble reconciling these two people he's meeting. Pudge is confused and thinks Tom is referring to him and Amy Poehler. Tom has met Poehler, but he's referring to the two disparate sides of Pudge. Tom wants to know how the guy who is so lacking confidence is also amazing with this other physics stuff. Pudge always thinks about physics stuff like the Hamiltonian, but he's never thought about how that fits in with his overall personality. Tom wants to know if he's renowned in the field. Pudge says that his professor thinks he could become kinda famous when the article comes out. Pudge thinks it's all kinda stupid, but Tom thinks it's fantastic. Pudge says that everyone kinda thinks about the Hamiltonian and stuff, but Tom doesn't know anyone who does. Pudge says that the Hamiltonian is the total energy of the system and stuff.
Pudge asks Tom if he will see the Borat film. Tom plans to see it, but wants to know why Pudge keeps hiding from this stuff. Pudge thinks it's stupid, but Tom thinks he should have more confidence if he's really that brilliant. Tom doesn't know why he can't make more direct decisions instead of constantly waffling. Pudge says that his behavior mimics the state space of certain quantum systems and stuff. Tom is shocked because he thought Pudge sounded like a complete idiot in his previous calls to the show. Pudge thinks he is an idiot sometimes because he can't always figure out what will happen on Lost. Tom doesn't watch the show, but not for any judgment. He just never got on board. Pudge seems surprised and says "Wait. Whaaaaaaaaat?" Tom asks him if he just said "Wait. What?" and Pudge isn't sure. Tom has to let him go because he's driving him nuts.
- Charlie in Seattle calls (starts at 48:02) wants to know what Tom thinks about the Dan Akaroyd and Chevy Chase vehicle Nothing But Trouble. Charlie saw it when he was a child and it scared the "beejeezus" (Tom counsels Charlie on his toilet talk) out of him, so he rewatched it this past weekend to see if his fright was due to his young age. It still terrified him to the bone, and he thinks it's the scariest funny move he's ever seen. Tom thinks it's one of those classic cable movies that plays in endless rotation. The film earned a Razzie (It lost worst picture to Hudson Hawk, but Akaroyd took the fruit as the Worst Supporting Actor), but Charlie liked seeing Akaroyd wearing all kinds of rubber masks and doing a lot of goofball voices. Tom thinks Charlie should write Dan Akaroyd a letter, and Charlie thinks he could probably use some support at this time. Charlie wonders if he needs to look up his agent or if he can just write Toronto c/o Akaroyd on the envelope.
Charlie asks Tom if he thinks Chevy Chase is gone from the scene forever and if he was ever funny. Tom says that Chase is not one of his favorites, but he had his moments. Charlie thinks he's dead in the water by now, but Tom predicts that a comeback is afoot. Charlie thinks that all of the old SNL guys are done for except for Bill Murray. He thinks Steve Martin is an embarrassment to his former self . Tom says that Steve Martin is probably his favorite cast member. Charlie agrees that he was great, but is disappointed that hasn't brought the funny since Bowfinger. Charlie wants more, but Tom suggests looking somewhere else for a new, younger horse to provide laughs. Tom says that people like Akaroyd are simply tired and worn out from doing so many movies, so Charlie can't expect to milk them for comedy for the rest of his life. Charlie's quest for new talent gets off to a dubious start when he suggests that Chris Kattan is a funny young guy to watch. He then signs off with Tom's least-favorite farewell: "Bye-bye."
- A caller chimes in (starts at 51:10) with his least favorite farewell "Mmmmbye." The caller works as a technical support supervisor phone agent, so he's discovered that this one is popular in the Midwest. He's calling from somewhere on the Parkway North, whichTom thinks it's the most beautiful highway on the planet. Mike agrees. Tom wants to know the caller's favorite Parkway rest stop, but he hates them all. Tom wonders if he's also hates Christmas. He thinks Christmas is alright. Tom GOMPs him for being negative and condemning rest stops. Tom enjoys the comfort they provide. You want a nice, cold soda, you stop at the rest stop. Need some gas, you stop at the rest stop." Mike generally avoids them as well, but he does like the one just outside of Newbridge.
- Weirder Jon from Maplewood calls (starts at 53:35) to say that his favorite rest stop is Cheesequake, near where the Turnpike and the Parkway intersect. Tom agrees it's a good one. WJ likes to play a video game and get a big soda to keep him awake for the rest of his drive en route to Atlantic City. Tom likes to drive down the highway for 1.5 hours, pull over at a rest stop, and play a driving video game for $3. WJ points out that the driving game allows Tom to do things he can't do on the real road, but Tom tells him to speak for himself. Tom does agree that he is unable to drive over giant boulders and has never seen the Eiffel Tower on the horizon.
WJ was actually calling to ask Tom if he remembered the show Make Me Laugh in the 70s. Tom has played the game on the air before and WJ thinks Tom is an iceberg when it comes to cracking on the funnies. It usually takes someone like former Aerosmith guitarist Jimmy Crespo to really get Tom rolling. Tom challenges WJ to a 30-second laugh-off. WJ opens with "Hey, I hear the company that created Mad Libs just filed for Chapter Banana." Tom's still listening, but WJ burns the bulk of his remaining 27 seconds. At the buzzer, he slips in "Acid is not a mind-expanding drug. Any drug that makes me sneak up on my car so I won't wake it up is not a mind-expanding drug." This prompts Tom to ask WJ if he is "Stephen Not Wright". Tom wins the battle with a 1-second zing.
- A caller says (starts at 56:24) his favorite rest stop is the one at the very top, almost into New York state. He likes it because it has a place to get coffee and sunglasses (I think that's the title of the next Jarmusch film). The caller is very intrigued by the fact that rest areas always offer sunglasses. If he's driving late at night, he likes to get his coffee and wait for the people to zip up the sunglass kiosks. He loves to unzip them and try to see what's going on under there. He's a busybody and can't resist looking where he's not supposed to look. If someone asked him to come over and look at the sunglass display, he'd first ask if they had any Raybans and then check them out. Tom asks him if he considers himself a sunglasses aficionado. It appears that he's more interested in the kiosk format than the merch itself. Tom hears some commotion in the background, and the caller blames it on Jersey City. Tom wants to know when JC became a war zone. The caller believes it started with the corrupt reign of Mayor Frank Hague in the 1930s.
The callers points out that Hague was in office when FDR's WPA project brought funds to JC to build Roosevelt Stadium, which is now a string of condos. The caller says that Pink Floyd and ELP played there. The caller says that Jersey City has a bizarre history of storied groups coming into town, and Tom thanks him for the segue.
- Tom reviews (starts at 59:00) the Beck show in JC at the Loews old-timey picture show place. The caller mentions that it's one of the oldest theaters and wants to know about the venue's acoustics. Tom says the sound was phenomenal. The caller says the Grateful Dead loved to play the Stanley Theater right across the street from the Loews. Tom says that this explains the unpleasant odor that remains in the area. The Three Stooges also played there and given that information, Tom gives the caller one guess to name his worst theater on Earth. The caller guesses The Beacon, but it's the Stanley Theater. The caller wants to know why, so Tom tells him that it's because the Three Stooges and the Grateful Dead played there.
Tom prompts the caller to ask him how the Beck show was. Tom thought it was one of the best things he's ever seen. Beck's stage show that included marionettes created an atmosphere that Tom describes as "Sesame Street on Ice for grown-ups." The caller can't believe he missed it and hopes it comes back around, but Tom tells him that it's not comin' back. He missed it. It's ova. The caller asks about other good upcoming shows at the Loews, but Tom wants to continue talking about the Beck show. The caller is bringing him down with his Three Stooges trivia. Mike says the Stanley is now a Jehovah's Witness headquarters, and Tom would rather see one of their congregational sessions than the Grateful Dead. Mike saw Willard at the Stanley, and while it as not intended as a live show, the theater was overrun with rats.
Clap Your Hands Say Time For Dinner and Marionettes
The Beck show started off with a giant video screen and on come the marionettes who look just like Beck and the band to the finest detail. The marionettes then start playing the rock show with a prerecorded "Loser". The real band comes out and starts playing as the marionettes are projected onto the giant screen. Tom says that one might have thought that the marionettes were just a cute way to open the show, but no! They are in it for the duration and begin matching the band move for move. Somebody picks up a tambourine, marionette's shaking a tambourine. Tom says it was like being in a live version of a Spike Jonze movie.
A video screen then appeared behind the marionettes and that, too, was projected on the big screen. Tom doesn't even want to mention the dude who was dancing on the stage, although he does confirm that it was not Beatle Bob. Tom reiterates that the show was one of the best things he's ever seen. Beck starts doing some of his quiet acoustic stuff and the band leaves the stage. A fully-set table including water glasses is brought to the stage. While Beck's playing, the band starts eating dinner onstage, and then the marionettes have their own miniature dinner while the marionette Beck is playing. As the camera kept cutting people the marionettes and the people eating, Tom got worked up into a lather. The band started playing percussion using utensils and the water glasses. Tom began to sweat from the excitement. Everyone left the stage and Tom thought it was over. But then they come back out after a short video of the marionettes walking all through JC. The band is now in bear costumes and motorcycle outfits, and they start jumping all over the building. Tom had never seen anything like it, so he began to hyperventilate.
Tom preferred this experience to the recent The Flaming Lips show, which was like gorging on yummy candy for the first five songs, and then your head starts hurting because you realize that you've been eating hippie candy in the form of songs dipped in molasses. Tom isn't a giant Beck fan, but he loved the show. The marionettes cracked it wide open. From now on, if Tom goes to a show and does not see marionettes, he's bolting. Bottom line: Ted Leo needs to get a marionette soon. If not that, at least a hand puppet of him and bandmate Big Steve.
- Bob from Warwick, N.Y. calls (starts at 1:06) to offer some additional insight into The Flaming Lips. He's the metronome who made his debut last week, bragging about a worldwide network of friends and Scoopmobile duties one second, then begging for sympathy about his underemployment the next. He says that the band recorded their album where he's from in Western NY and confirms that they are very strange people. Tom wants to know if he's really going to come on the air to throw the Lips under the bus to try to settle a score. Tom wants to know if the one guy made out with Bob's ladyfriend. Bob says that he thinks Beck and The Flaming Lips are both great. Bob says that Tom's dreaded sign-off infiltrated the name of a store in Paramus called Buy Buy Baby. While one might think this boutique offered the accessories and equipment needed to sever a sour relationship, it just sells standard baby gear. Tom wants to know what would be in a store for breaking up, but Bob offers no insight.
Bob is glad that Beck still has it and that Tom had a good time at the show. However, Tom didn't have a good time at the show. He had a great time. Beck made Bob want to play his Moog synthesizer again. There is some debate about the correct pronunciation of the word -- Bob says "Mogue" instead of "Moog". Bob is correct, but Tom wants him to just say "moog". Either way, Bob thinks they are cool things and he bought one 15 years ago at a garage sale. Tom wants a taste right now, but Bob says it's not plugged in. Tom thinks it would be fun, but Bob doesn't think he could bend down, pick up the cord, and stick it in the outlet. Tom understands that grueling process because he's also a musician. Bob changes the topic to the autumn enthusiasts who have been flocking to Orange County, N.Y. They are driving him crazy with their leaf-peeping and apple-picking ways. At this point, Mike -- an increasingly harsh taskmaster -- tells Tom to dump him.
- Evan from Montclair calls (starts at 1:09) to thank Tom for the Yo La Tengo tickets he won a few weeks ago. He loved the Loews Theater, and Tom's Beck talk made him very jealous that he didn't see that show. Tom and Evan agree that they would both see anything at the Loews. Evan last saw Beck at some hellhole on 13th Street opening for Evel Knievel. Tom likes Evel Knievel, but he's not a fan of Robbie Knievel's reliance on high-tech gadgetry and computer analysis of his jump. Robbie reminds Evan of Hank Williams, Jr., living off his dad's fame. Chris L declared Robbie the "Melissa Rivers of stunts" in the FOT chat. Tom points out that his father would show up with just a Harley with some added shocks, lick his finger or toss grass clipping in the air to gauge the wind direction, and adjust the ramp position accordingly.
Evan also has a great rest stop in his neighborhood: the McDonald's in Bloomfield right by Montclair, south of exit 154 near Watchung. He likes that he can take his kids there using a back entrance that avoids having to get on the Parkway. This rest stop has a gymnasium, so he takes them there on rainy days so they can meet various travelers in the melting pot. As the kids play, Evan chit-chats with the parents. He admits it's usually pretty awkward, but it's cheaper than going somewhere that costs $20 for funtime. Tom thinks that Evan should open his wallet and spring for a trip to Chuck E. Cheese's. Evan wants to know whether 30 Rock or Studio 60 will be canceled first. Tom gives them both a year and prefers 30 Rock because Studio 60's smart talk makes his head hurt. Evan thinks that guests stars like Eli Wallach will continue to attract key younger demos. Evan tarnishes his call by saying "Bye-Bye." Tom says he's not his kids at a McDonald's rest stop partying with weary out-of-towners. Tom doubts that his kids are that excited about these jaunts where they can weigh themselves and get a horoscope for a quarter. He imagines their lack of enthusiasm as Evan lifts them up to buy a mini-cologne bottle for 75 cents. Tom thinks that if Evan can afford to live in Montclair, he can afford to go to Chuck E. Cheese's.
Tom wouldn't even allow Dogmo in the dirty rest stop ball pit, which is filled with balls that have turned from blue or yellow to a sickly gray. In fact, Dogmo would not even desire such a romp. Tom thinks the bottom of the pit is probably filled with bugs that have swarmed to feast on a dropped Whopper. Tom was confused because the Whopper is made by Burger King, while MacDonald's offers the Big Mac. Tom can never get those handburgers straight, soin the future he will try to connect the name MacDonald's to their Big Mac. Someone in the chat complicates matters by saying that the Whopper is actually a Wendy's concoction. All I know is that yesterday I had a French Dip Whopper at Arby's and it was delicious!
Big Money: Jim Cramer has come for your children
- Tom shares (starts at 1:16) a recent mindblowing experience he had while watching (it's sweeping the nation) Mad Money with Jim Cramer on CNBC. Regular listeners will recall that Cramer has greatly influenced the recent caller policies of The Best Show. Tom plays a clip in which the sound effect-loving and chair-throwing host talks about
his effort to give investors stocks that can still move in the bull market. Cramer's pick is America's Drive-In: Sonic (SONC).
While discussing the company's recent Dutch auction buyback of 19% of its stock that was booed by Wall Street, Cramer unleashed a reference that dropped Tom's jaw. Since the buyback dramatically reduced the number of outstanding Sonic shares, Cramer declares the controversial move a "Sonic Reducer" to appeal to a younger demographic than his average 62-year-old viewer. Cramer plays a snippet of the song, and since I saw the episode in question, I can report that he bopped around the studio as it played. Cramer downplays his coolness, but continues to explain that members of The Dead Boys wrote that song while they were still in their previous band, Rocket from the Tombs. At this point, Cramer displayed a picture of them on his video screen.
Tom was watching the episode while he was sick and The Dead Boys/RFTT references made his congested head explode. Despite spouting the trivia, Cramer claims that he actually doesn't know anything about punk rock 'n roll music. Cramer says that if Sonic is nuts for the buyback, then so are Wendy's, who recently announced their own Dutch auction for $800 million. But rather than attacking them like Sonic, the market is applauding their decision. He believes Sonic is being unfairly punished. Cramer's cash register, gun shot, doorbell, and applause sound effects has Tom longing for a similar soundboard. Cramer believes that Sonic knows their business better than the analysts. He doesn't think their critics ("the crazies") can get past their 3,100 stores and 20 consecutive years of positive sales growth. They think the company is done. But Cramer says no way and thinks the company has tons of room for growth. He sees the buyback as sign of confidence from management. At this point, Tom wants Mike to give him some money or his credit card number so he can buybuybuy.
Cramer then completes his trilogy of punk references by comparing their potential regional-to-national expansion to Manifest Destiny, which he notes is also the title of an album by The Dictators. Cramer claims the album has criminally never been released on CD in the U.S. This is false, but that's a minor quibble. Tom believes that Cramer deserves credit for making an effort to dish these musical references even if he knows not of what he speaks. Someone sent Tom a link to a General Zod soundboard, but he can't get it to open. Tom requests a working sound effects board. He wants to use drop-ins from Napoleon Dynamine and The Benchwarmers. Tom will honor Cramer with the sweet sounds of Jon Heder!
The Dead Boys - "Ain't Nothin' To Do"
Oops, he did it again: There's an old saying in the Predator house: "Fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. Fool me ... you can't get fooled again."
- A caller (starts at 1:35) can't believe that Tom was defending 30 Rock. Tom says he liked the pilot, but hasn't seen the second episode. The caller is certain that NBC will quickly ankle that laffer, doubting that it will last a full season. Tom recognizes that as industry lingo that appears in publications like Variety. The caller reads that trade publication and he's also been in it. The caller says that the word is that the show tanked at the upfronts and now people are trying to make it seem like everyone loved it from the get-go.
The caller works in the industry and recently appeared on a reality show. He doesn't want to toot his own horn, but kinda does by saying he killed. He says it aired last Friday night at 9 p.m. on a little network called NBC. Tom's heard of the network and was watching television at that time. Tom says the only reality program he recalls from that night was the "Dateline: To Catch A Pervert thing". The caller calls Tom a jerk and asks him to show some respect for the proper title: Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator. Tom isn't sure who requires the respect, and the caller says it's him because he was on the show. He asks Tom if he remembers a guy in green sweats, tube socks, and a Sister Sheila hoodie. He also had a pencil-thin mustache. Tom does recall a man with that description appearing in a patio. That was the caller, who goes by the handle "Fill1965". The caller met a woman online and he showed up to meet her. It turned out that it was a total set-up. He arrived with all his stuff and heard a female voice inform him that she spilled something on her shirt, so she had to run upstairs to change. As he waited for her, Chris Hansen appeared and started grilling him about why he's here. The caller told him the truth. He compares his intentions to when you were a kid and your dad caught you smoking. In order to make you stop doing it, he would make you chain smoke an entire pack at once. His mission in going to the house that evening was to warn the girl about all the nutjobs out there.
Tom is a bit confused because he remembers the caller arriving with a keg of beer. He doesn't understand what he was going to warn her about. The caller said he was planning to give her some beer until she didn't want anymore, and then he'd go home. Tom thinks he's simply a pervert, but the caller doesn't think Tom can call him that. The caller plans to sue the city of Newbridge for the set-up because he believes it was "dirty pool". He was accidentally on a website -- tooyoungforyou.com -- and then he got lured into the trap. Tom is understandably suspicious of someone cruising such a website, but the caller says that she told him that she was an adult. He hates when people lie. In addition to dishonesty, the caller hates Chris Hansen. When Hansen first strolled out, he asked the caller if he needed any help. The caller threw out a little joke, saying that he didn't, unless Hansen was willing to help him lug the keg inside the house. The caller didn't initially recognize Hansen and told him to shut up because he thought he was lying when he introduced himself. The caller toots his horn a second time by noting that Hansen appeared to be totally intimidated by his Jim Morrison-meets-Mick Mars rock star swagger. In other words, a little hunch + leather pants.
When the whole crew came out to inform him that he was being filmed, the caller started cracking them up with a Don Rickelsesque crowd warm-up routine. His set included some "beaner" jokes for the Mexican cameraman, who appeared to be totally into the material. He then told Hansen that he was weak and didn't have it going on. He told him to leave the anchorman stuff to John Seigenthaler. Hansen was impressed by the caller's vibe and suggested that he had what it takes to be an anchorman. The caller thought the girl was 18, but admits that she said she was 14 online. Tom thinks it's creepy; the caller doesn't want Tom to judge him for it and calls him a jerk. Tom presses the caller on Hansen's comments, and he admits that Hansen did not actually tout his anchoring skills. Hansen told him that he was sick to be there preying on underage girls. The caller says he did detect something in Hansen's vibe indicated that he was impressed despite his moral qualms. The caller says that one awesome thing that happened is that he set the record for being in the house longer than any other predator. He remained captive for an hour and a half to make the most of his primetime exposure and boost his acting career.
He pounced on this opportunity for facetime by reciting a monologue from President Baseball. He selected the scene where the Brendon Fraser character comes out to talk to the President on the mound. The President is trying to balance the pressure of a decisive World Series game with the threat of a nuclear attack from China. While some might expect that Fraser made the visit to pull the President away from the game, he ends up delivering the film's climactic line: "Mr. President, I have one thing to say to you: strike this guy out." He also read some sides from an episode of one of his favorite shows of all-time: The Reggae Kid, which aired on The Shout! Network in the early 1990s. The show revolved around a family that returns from a Jamaican vacation to find a little kid stowed away in their suitcase. Tom was never a big fan of the show. The caller is surprised. He had some problems doing the scene because he couldn't get anyone to read Deirdre's part.
The crew was acting icy, mad, and aloof, but the caller could tell that they were really excited by him. They eventually tried to shuffle him out because there was another predator scheduled to arrive soon. In his defense, the caller says the lead cop on the case, Officer Harrups, was impressed by the way he carried himself throughout the ordeal. At one point, Harrups confided in the caller that he wished the cameras weren't rolling so he could set him free. Harrups also said he'd love to have him join the police force. Tom doubts that he said this, and the caller says that he actually isn't sure what he said because he was facedown in the gravel with a policewoman's knee in his back. He did, however, definitely pick up on a positive vibe that suggested that Harrups was into his whole thing. Tom finds it odd that people who are arresting him would be a fan of his vibe, but the caller says they were just going through the motions.
Tom vaguely recalls a scene where they took him to the jail to go before a judge. The judge was the guy who replaced the disbarred Montgomery Davies. The caller made a joke about the device that took Davies down by telling the judge that he heard a whirring sound underneath his robe. The caller says that the judge laughed really hard, but then admits that he actually said he was the worst form of human and wanted him incarcerated for life. He said the caller's behavior made him madder than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding. Tom thinks the caller suffers from a delusional streak, which he deflects as simply a love-it-or-leave-it quality. He's just thankful that his uncle, Maurice Kern, ended up bailing him out because the jail was tough stuff. Tom has had plenty of run-ins with Kern over the years. The caller thinks he's a saint, but Tom doesn't agree. The caller thinks this opinion could end up costing Tom.
The caller needs Tom's help in finding an agent because he's looking to spin his status as "The Predator"into some tie-ins and branding initiatives. He wants to pitch a show to NBC President Kevin Reilly (he doubts he could get a sitdown with Jeff Zucker), who owes him a meeting because the network used the scene of his tazering in all of the promos. The caller says they used it because people don't have any interest in whimpering predators. They want the tough stuff. The network apparently raked in huge ad revenue that week, and the caller wants to get a piece of it. He's certain that he will when Predator Strikes Back starts airing. In this show, a bunch of fed-up predators will go after John Q. Law to get revenge for being put down and falsely accused. The stars will be the caller, Buzzy, Father Mike, and other guys from his cell. They will strike back with max force using guns, whips, and whatever else is necessary. Tom's not on board with PSB because he doubts viewers wants to see vigilante criminals and pervert. The caller thinks Tom might be more into ATP -- America's Top Predator, which is kind of like American Idol with its singing and dancing, but a little darker. The inspiration came from the caller's cellmate, Jake, who played air guitar that became audible when he rubbed his imaginary pick against his crotch.
The caller moves the the dark to the light with Predator Prayers, which is the same premise as Three Wishes, but with predators fulfilling the wishes of needy families. Tom can't imagine anyone wanting a predator to show up and build them a house. The caller thinks it's a great idea and can't wait to run it by Kevin Reilly. He also had an idea that he could take to one of the secondary cable networks: The Predator's Guide To Early Retirement, a money show with him giving investment advice. Tom asks why anyone would take investment advice from him. He thinks they'd be totally into, citing the old saying: "What does a predator not know? The predator does not know nothing." Get Rich, Predator-Style would be more like Mad Money with its rock 'n roll soundtrack. He would host along with Buzzy and Father Mike. He thinks he's qualified to give stock tips because he's seen the other finance shows, plus he's got the extra vibe. Tom suggests that it's a sex offender vibe, but the caller says that Tom cannot prove that.
Tom is more intrigued by Predator Force, a primetime drama (Spring 2007) featuring predators kicking ass in Iranq. Tom wonders if he means Iraq, and the caller says it's one of those places where the creeps are doing stuff and need a nuking. The predators are the heroes fighting on behalf of Uncle Sam. The caller will defer the star role to his cellmate Werner, an All-American hero who is actually German. Tom knows Werner from his drug-dealing in Newbridge. The caller says that Werner's stuff was cut out of Dateline because he was too nuts. He entered the house brandishing a wet towel on the end of a stick and a Slurpee. The caller tried e-mailing Hansen from the prison computer to get more details on why they cut Werner from the show, but he's been tight-lipped about the incident. Hansen gave him a fake address, so the messages bounced back. The caller thinks he's a jerk. Tom is not surprised that Hansen doesn't want to chit-chat with him on the Internet. The caller says that TLS does want to talk to him. The caller believes that Trent L. Strauss is the greatest filmmaker of our time. He pitched him a film called Predator Nights. The plot involves the main character Hacksaw (played by the caller) going to meet a hot 14-year-old lady, but he never does because the house is haunted. It's filled with all the ghosts of all the Dateline people that he murdered in the eventual prequel. The caller thinks the audience will feel for Hacksaw's battle with the ghosts, among other things. Strauss is ready to go, but that's the hitch. The caller's trial is tomorrow, so he needs Tom to testify on his behalf. He wants Tom to show up in disguise and confess to the charges against him.
The caller thinks Tom would want to help him, but Tom has no interest in assisting a pedophile. The caller says he will just tell the judge that Tom did it. He thinks Tom's judgments sound increasingly like Hansen, the film crew, everyone at the booking station, his cellmates, and Trent L. Strauss. Tom thinks he's a horrible criminal who deserves to be jailed and needs help. Based on this, the caller predicts that he and Tom will fight it out in court tomorrow. Tom will show up, and the caller will pin the crime on Tom. If Tom has the cajones to say that he was the guy in the house, a fight will ensue. The caller warns Tom that he's a big man. Tom says that he's 6' 2", and the caller starts getting nervous because he thought Tom was 3' 8". He based that height on Tom's voice, which he thought sounded like a munchkin. The caller is only 5-feet tall, so he thinks he's screwed. Tom's glad. His new plan is to go see Bryce at 11:30 p.m. to try to sneak out of Newbridge on a cargo train car. He knows where Bryce lives because he used to manage the old Lady Foot Locker until it went out of business. Tom always wondered what led to its demise, and the caller says that some stuff went down. He was accused of selling rails out of the back of the store. Tom's next question is "were you?", and the caller asks for a definition of "was I?". Tom rephrases: "Did you ever exchange cocaine for money?". The caller wants Tom to define "money". Tom says it's cash. The caller then admits to selling rails. Tom thinks the caller may be the worst person he's ever spoken to in his life. He's glad that he will be sentenced tomorrow, but the caller vows to escape by train. He hangs up.
- Paycheck calls (starts at 2:04) with a big Toronto booya for Tom. Tom doesn't accept it because that's the business of punk rock superfan, Jim Cramer. Paycheck thought Cramer riffing on obscure Cleveland punk rock was the weirdest thing he's ever heard, comparing it to Lou Dobbs making Flamin' Groovies references. Tom points out that he heard it on the show after it was vetted, so he knew something surprising was coming. He asks Paycheck to imagine what it was like for him as he watched the show live. Tom has been a Cramer fan, but now he's becoming a fanatic. Paycheck wants the backstory on what led to the references and speculates that Cramer may have been a regular at Fleshtones shows at Tramps back in 1981. Tom's gut feeling is that he did not know what he's reading, but the fact that he did it is enough for him. Paycheck researched Cramer online and discovered that he retired from hedge fund management because he was on the road to a heart attack. Paycheck then checked out the show, and the maniacal circus environment struck him as an odd way to slow down. Mr. and Mrs. Paycheck will be attending the WFMU Record Fair, they are looking forward to catching up with esteemed FOTs like Jason and Officer Tom.
- Tom reports (starts at 2:09) on his findings from his latest browse through the Barnes & Noble
s. He was excited to see the new, equine-themed Dick Francis novel, Under Orders, which features the return of his jockey character, Sid Halley. Tom reads the plot synopsis and thinks it sounds thrilling. He saw 48 Francis paperbacks in the mystery section, and they all have horses on them. Tom also saw the new issue of Entertainment Weekly with Clint Eastwood on the cover in an honest, all-the-wrinkles photo. Tom thinks everyone already gets it and doesn't need a reminder that the man is old. At first, he thought he was looking at an atlas depicting the Appalachian mountain range, but it was just Clint's weathered visage. Tom thinks it's a bit disgusting to get that close to Clint's aged skin. Next up was the the new Bass Player, a special issue devoted to John Entwistle and featuring a tab for "The Real Me". Tom guesses that he's been on the cover 40 percent of the time, trading off with Jaco and Flea. Bottom line: Tom expects more variety from Bass Player magazine.
Is it over yet?: After a week of exhausting training, the Lindsey kids arrive at their final wardrobe fitting this past Sunday
- Dennis Lindsey checks back in (starts at 2:14) to see if Tom is up for the Halloween challenge that could move him forward in life. Dennis prefers to use the term "challenge" instead of "problems" or "hard times". As a result, Tom can look at him being vaguely psychotic about Halloween candy as an opportunity. Dennis argues that any perceived psychosis is just him trying to do a good, thorough job of preparing for the holiday. Tom wants to know why he cares so much, and Dennis says just wants to provide the best for his kids. There is a buzzing on his phone because he's calling from the Philippines. He was called out of the country on an impromptu business trip, which is why he hasn't called the last couple of weeks. His office has outsourced of lot of the day-to-day operations to the Philippines, so he's there training some new workers until he returns to the U.S. on Thursday. Dennis will write off the cost of the international call as a business expense. Tom's glad that his company will eat the charges. Dennis says Tom wouldn't believe the stuff he's slipped through on his expense account. He'll give Tom the details when they sit down for a beer after Halloween goes off without a hitch.
Tom assures him that he'll have plenty of candy, but Dennis wishes it were only that simple. He's still a little worried that Tom won't be ready for the arrival of the Lindsey kids. Dennis reminds Tom that he doesn't want any Sno Balls and would ideally want him to cook a pizza. He doesn't think Tom is up to that particular challenge, and Tom confirms that he will not hand out fresh slices. Dennis believes this is the first step of an ongoing training process, so Tom can work up to pizza, hot dogs, or a multiple-course meal for Halloween 2007. These items would only be for his kids, so Tom would really only need to dispense three slices of pizza. Dennis says that Tom could give them the entire pie so he could eat the rest at home. To ease his mind, Dennis penciled Tom in for a eight-way conference call on Friday with some business consultants he's worked with in the past. For Monday and Tuesday, he's made some spreadsheets with room for Tom to fill out his hour-by-hour preparatory tasks. Tom refuses to do these things. Instead, he will fill a bowl with candy and give it out to any kids that show up at his house.
Dennis is used to dealing with workers like Tom who don't like to go the extra mile. Tom says that he doesn't work for him, but Dennis is prepared to compensate him for his efforts. He was going to save it for a surprise finale, but he asks Tom what the name James Keach does for him. Tom says it does nothing for him. Dennis says it's Stacy Keach's brother, who appeared in Wildcats with Goldie Hawn. Tom has no idea who he's talking about. Dennis recently hired the lesser-known Keach as a motivational speaker based on his success in the real estate/timeshare business. He has a video of his speech to his company. If Tuesday night is a success, he will give Tom a copy. Tom does not find this reward appealing at all. Dennis is disconnected.
The thrill is missing someone: B.B. Check. Slowhand. Check. Phil Collins. Check. Where's Tom?
- A caller thinks (starts at 2:22) Dennis Lindsey sounded a lot like the predator freak. Tom's not sure what to make of all the weird calls he's been getting. The caller wants to know what's going on out there, but Tom says that for all he knows, the caller is one of them. He's a commuter who's commuting, and he found Tom while flipping the dial. At first, he thought the predator call was a parody, but soon realized that he was serious. He assumes he was calling from jail. He asks Tom if he knows what Lindsey is training Filipino workers to do. Tom doesn't know. (Make candy?) The caller would not want to have Lindsey as a boss. The caller sells software to scientists to let them make discoveries to develop new products and chemicals. The product allows companies to make products better aligned with consumer preferences. The caller finds it fascinating. Tom's glad he's out there making America tick, and the caller is gratified to know that he's able to help people.
He used to work in Wall Street with James Cramer, and he didn't think he was anything special back then. He was just one of 10,000 other money managers trying to eek his way to a decent return. He then recreated himself. Tom wants to know if the caller's finance career made him rich. He's been rich, but he spent all his money every way he could so his ex-wife couldn't get it. He denies putting any of it up his nose. He primarily spent it on rock 'n roll, but Tom doesn't think it's that expensive. Tom's been playing bass the past two years in James Dolan's boogie band called JD and the Sureshots. The caller has heard of them, but doesn't know Jimmy Dolan. The caller says he used to play with Jimmy Marshall and Tom can't believe it. The caller plays guitar and can sometimes play the blues. Last week, Tom jammed and traded vocals with B.B. King on "The Thrill Is Gone" at a corporate gig for Mennen. The caller does a rendition of the "By Mennen" jingle and says they need to do some product revamps. Tom demands that he take it back, so he backtracks to say that Mennen is awesome as is. He's GOMPed anyway for putting down WFMU's parent company.
- Dennis calls back (starts at 2:28) to denounce the last caller's criticisms of him. He said he would make his life a living hell for six months and then fire him if he worked for him. Then again, he would never hire him because he's not a Filipino willing to work for what equates to $3/hour. Tom sarcastically declares this progressive and heartwarming. Dennis assumes that the caller would demand a compensation package that included a living wage like $50,000/year, a 401(k), and some health bennies. Dennis says that his company benefits from a land full of college graduates willing to work for slave wages. Dennis will take that over some weirdo in IT any day. Dennis seems pleased that it's not longer the 1990s when people had the chance to earn a decent living.
Tom doesn't know what else to say except that he will have normal candy on Halloween, so his kids can either take it or leave it. Speaking of his kids, his daughter, Bailey, plays the harp, so he warns Tom to be careful of her delicate hands when he gives her the candy. His linebacker son Logan, 16, is in his final campaign as a trick-or-treater. He wants Tom to give him an extra portion, which is detailed in the pie charts and PowerPoint slides he has planned for Friday's conference call. He pencils Tom in again, but Tom wants him to pencil him out again because filling a bowl with candy is the extent of the work he will put into it. Dennis could see how Tom's renegade approach to the challenge might be applauded at some businesses, but he's not sure if he can groove with it. Tom says he has no choice. Dennis offers to have his wife stop by tomorrow with some briefing papers. Dennis assumes Tom's seen her jogging around the neighborhood because she's pretty smokin'. Tom honestly doesn't recall seeing her. Dennis mentions that she used to be a member of the Denver Nuggets dance squad. He's particularly fond of the way her ponytail comes through the back of her hat.
Dennis got Logan a 2002 Chevy Tahoe with 6" lift kit for his 16th birthday. The car also has a got a built-in cup in the driver's door because Logan dips. Dennis wants Tom to use his imagination about what such a vehicle could do to a yard. Dennis and Logan go out on mudding sessions every weekend, and Logan is becoming very skilled. If Tom doesn't pull through on Tuesday night, Logan will turn his yard into a bog. Tom says they will just have to wait to see how things shake out and doesn't like all the tough talk. He promises to throw any briefings papers directly in the garbage.
- The previous caller returns (starts at 2:35) to say that he wasn't disparaging Mennen, but Tom says that he was also throwing his beloved Cramer under the bus. Tom points out that Cramer has money that he's not wasting on rock groups. The caller believes that Cramer should spend his money on psychotherapy because he's not providing any real service to people. He dismisses him as a penny-stock promoter on acid. Tom thinks he should put those harsh words in a song, but the callers thinks it would be a waste of his talent. Tom wants a stock tip, but he refuses. He tells Tom to put his money in the bank and not bother with the rigged market. He thinks that anyone who thinks they can win by taking the advice of people like Cramer are getting duped. He thinks Tom should invest in other asset classes besides equities. Tom proposes a home purchase, but the caller recommends waiting on that one. Tom becomes frustrated and wants to know what he's supposed to buy. The callers wonders why Tom has to buy anything and tells him to do whatever he wishes with his money. Tom really wants to learn from the guy who spent all of his money in a vindictive spending spree to burn his ex-wife. Tom thinks that behavior suggests a level-headed thinker. The callers says he was young and impetuous at the time. He was in his early 30s, so Tom says that indicates he's just nuts.
Tom's had enough and tells him to put it all in a blues song. Tom says that he might be able to get him a chance to play with B.B. King during a soundcheck. The caller says he would jump all over it and show up with two guitars. (Later, Tom retracted the offer because the guy irked him. Tom will take over the slot to jam on Elton John's "Your Song".) Tom says B.B. is a good guy, but a little weird. Tom was talking to his personal assistant, who said that King often goes into "rage outs" where he just starts hitting things. After the incidents, he has no memory of them. Tom has yet to witness an attack. Tom wants to know the caller's guitar heroes.
Caller: Stevie Ray.
Tom: Never heard of him. Stevie Ray?
Caller: Stevie Ray Vaughan.
Tom: Oh, Stevie Ray Vaughan.
Caller: Come on ...
Tom: Oh, he's terrible.
Caller: Yeah ... by what standard?
Tom: Um, by the standard that my ears think his playing sounds awful.
Caller: Wow, really?
Caller: How 'bout you ... let's hear a standard on your level.
Tom: Told ya -- B.B. King.
Caller: Anyone else?
Tom: It starts and ends with B.B. King.
Caller: Hmmm ... Eric Clapton?
Tom: Oh, he's awful, too.
Caller: Uh ...
Tom: Slowhand? I wish he had no hands.
Caller: Yeah ... um ... wow, so B.B. King is it?
Tom: B.B. King, the master.
Caller: Hmm, that's true.
Tom: Who else do you like?
Caller: Ummm, Jimi Hendrix.
Tom: Jim E. Hendrix?
Caller: Jimi Hendrix. James Hendrix.
Tom: James Hendricks?
Tom: Was he in that Hendricks, Lambert, and Ross? That?
Caller: Sorta, but not. Kinda, though.
Tom: How do you spell "Hendricks", I'm gonna search this guy later. H-e-n-d-r-i-c-k-s?
Caller: R-i, I believe it's x.
Caller: No, r-i-x.
Tom: James Rix?
Caller: No, Hendrix. H-e-n-d-r-i-x.
Caller: Just r-i-x.
Tom: Just ... I said that already, you said it was this other ... so it's not ... Rix?
Caller: Hen Drix.
Tom: Hen is his first ... like Hen like Henry?
Caller: Come on.
Tom: Help me out here, I'm trying to learn about new music.
Caller: Jim E. Hendrix is not new music.
Tom: Ok, Jim. Jim? Jim is his first name? E...
Tom: Jim E. James?
Caller: James Hendrix!
Tom: Which is it?!
Caller: James Hendrix!
Tom: Get Off My Phone! You don't know nothin'!
- Tom gives a scary tour (starts at 2:43) through another magazine he picked up: Concealed Carry Handguns, the experts guide to personal defense. Tom is always looking for new magazines, especially if they are produced on foul-smelling newsprint like this one. Tom says the inside photos are all fat guys shooting guns, a bizarre gun porn niche. One of the highlights of this issue is an article called "Keep It Simple, Keep It Basic", a guide to sharpening your survival skills for when it's do-or-die! The piece is accompanied by a picture of a guy firing a handgun from around the side of a Jeep with a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker. The magazine also features a variety of scenarios that help citizens combat violent crime in their day-to-day life. The first one is called "Welcome To Sunny Florida":
You and your wife are traveling on the interstate in southern Florida on your long-awaited vacation. Suddenly a beat-up pick-up swerves in front of your car, and a man in the back throws an old tire rim in your path. Your car runs over the rim, which does considerable damage. You veer off the highway and come to rest at the burm. As you step from the car, shaken by what just happened, armed highwaymen approach from the bushes at the roadside. What do you do?
Tom: "Is this real? Are these real situations? Sounds like Road Warrior."
Start seated with your hands on the wheel. At the signal, jump from the car and engage the hostiles. When finished, hit the plate to stop the clock.
Tom says there is a terrifying diagram that shows you how to shoot the guys. Another scenario:
While working in your backyard, you have your pistol your pistol tucked in your belt under a loose shirt
Tom: "Who's working in the yard with a gun? Where is your yard?!"
When confronted by an armed intruder who threatens you, you pull your pistol and go to work. As the first shot breaks, you hear a scuffle around the corner.
Tom believes this may be a scene from Grand Theft Auto. I did some research and it's actually Level 2 of Pimp City.
At the signal, draw from concealment and engage first target. Then move to cornering and engaging the remaining targets
Tom wonder if these are legit real-world scenarios or part of some kind of military drill. The next scenario is called "Keep That Profile Low":
You are out and about town running errands and suddenly accosted by an armed individual while walking across the local mall parking lot. Since your pistol is concealed under a loose sports shirt ...
Tom assumes that loose clothing is required since the gun enthusiasts are all obese.
... he is completely surprised as you draw instead of meekly handing over your money. As the action starts, you also come under fire from the first gunman's accomplice, who's gone unnoticed off to the side.
Tom thinks this scenario is taking place in a post-apocalyptic America where everyone is roaming the streets armed. Tom says that every guy in the magazine looks like the guy in the donut shop in Boogie Nights and mentions an article called "Carry Modes Out Of The Ordinary", which tells readers how to effectively engage safe and comfortable new concealment methods. The guy modeling the gun looks like a less healthy Robert Altman. He's pulling the gun out of his jacket, and Tom is surprised that he's not tipping over from the trauma of such a movement. The magazine touts storage vessels such as fanny packs and soft-leather handbags, which are prefect for concelaing a Glock 31. Tom's had enough of guns and wonders what planet we're living on. The back of the magazine offers other accessories like a CCC Tropic Vest, the single ugliest piece of clothing Tom's ever seen. A bad Hawaiian shirt with a weird, gray vest stapled to the front of it. Tom wants a job in a profession that allows someone to walk around all day with a weapon concealed within such a garment. Tom is considering writing for the magazine. I would suggest an article called "GOMP: How To Wipe Your Enemies Off the Planet With A Quick Draw!"
Tom also noticed that Barnes & Noble had a lot of books about hating President Bush. Tom thinks he should write one called Bush Stinks, but needs a catchy subtitle along the lines of Vice: Dick Cheney and the Hijacking of the American Presidency, or Dick: The Man Who is President, or Keith Garfinkle's Lon Chaney: The Most Misunderstood Politician of the 21st Century. Tom thinks that 30 years from now, people will still be having a lot of fun with The Dick Cheney Code: A Parody. (Tom resists the urge to get political when Bush hater Evan "Funk" Davies walks into the studio to put the finishing touches on his three-hour tribute to B.B. King called "The Thrill Is Back.") Tom thinks that hijacking may be a good concept for the subtitle, so he proposes Bush Stinks: The Hijacking of the Free World's Freedoms. Even though Tom supports him, he's willing to write a book about how bad he is to make money.
- Emerson in Chicago calls (starts at 2:54) to see if there's been any progress in the Ted Leo lyrical throwdown. Emerson thought Tom could first write "Bush Stinks" as a song for Ted before expanding it to book length. As Chicago gets colder, the people are insulating their bodies with pure trans fats, which are now offered as a condiment for hot dogs. Tom wants Emerson to be more heart smart. Emerson says that Chicago has fallen behind Houston for the obese crown, and Tom thinks the city should erect billboards that advertise the drop to second place.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Pudge talks about his upcoming collaboration with Aaron Sorkin (Laboratory 90H in the Research Triangle), Jim Cramer calls to request a Pere Ubu song and inform Tom that he plans to add marionettes of every Dow 30 CEO to the Mad Money stable, and Tornado Todd calls to announce that he acquired the DVD rights to Predator Prayers.
*** Recidivism EXCLUSIVE*** Here's a scene from The Tool Belt Killer. All you need to know is that the Viking spirits have fully emerged from the walls of Lowe's to do battle in the Newbridge fairgrounds: