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High Hose McGinley.

"You gotta be a Commie if you don’t like the PATH train." -- Tom on the only people that could possibly dislike the trans-Hudson pleasure cruise
"I would puke my brains out." -- Spike on his reaction to Jay-Z performing with the Del Vikings
"He’s a filmmaker, yet you’re telling me he wrote the song 'Misty'." -- Tom on the multi-talented Erroll Garner
"No, I make them. And they’re not for sale." -- Spike on his prized mix CDs
"He’s a trained martial artist, that doesn’t mean he can put the biscuit in the basket." -- Tom on Batman's lack of a jump shot
"That’s the pause that really refreshes, if you ask me." -- Zeph Marshack on the throat-boining drink of no Coke and vodka
"What train line is this, and what time did this happen?" -- Tom, inquiring about the girls gone wild riding the PATH back from NYC.
"Zoom. He’s gone. You can’t tackle a UFO." -- Tristan, selling Tom on Fat Man's gridiron talents
"Oh, man. I'm so scared, man." -- Bryce, rattled by the rush of Satanism in Newbridge
“It’s kind of like my mind, but it’s also a phone.” -- Bryce on what he used to call the show
"Oh, man, it was so bad. None of the subtleties of Behemoth." -- Bryce on the subpar performance by Behemoth, Jr. at the C.O.S. Fun Fair
"I think it was a noble decision, and I think as long as we live in this country, we should support it." -- Tom, respecting Bush's oft-maligned decision to invade Iraq
"Record some old stuff! Record 'Where Have All The Rude Boys Gone'!" -- Kids complaining at Ted Leo’s all-ages recording session
"I could take Harry Shearer to school any day of the week." -- Tom on a man who is decidedly NOT the patron saint of the show
"When they go into ‘Beanbag Chair’, you see a guy walk up to the front with a revolver in his mouth, that will be me." -- Tom on his response to being compared to Fred Mertz and Dane Cook
"Start fighting! You fight, you loser!" -- Tom, informing a caller that winning isnt easy
"You ever have a room temperature Schlitz?" -- Tom, recommending his favorite beer
"It’s like seeing leftovers from a bad meal. Oh yeah, let me eat more of that awful meal." -- Tom on why he did not view the deleted scenes on the A Mighty Wind DVD
"Bill Purray. It's like Bill Murray, except with a 'P'" -- Petey, suggesting that someone needs to intervene
"I recuse myself from any Yo La Tango tickets." -- Officer Tom, taking himself out of the running twice

[TBSOWFMU - 9/26/06 / Podmirth [ON THE ROPES; low 30s at best] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

The Hold Steady - "Massive Nights"

( Click here to buy Boys and Girls in America)

The Dears - "Death Or Life We Want You"

( Click here to buy Gang of Losers)

Jennifer O'Connor - "Perfect Match"

( Click here to buy Over the Mountain, Across the Valley, and Back to the Stars)

Bound Stems - "Excellent News, Colonel"

( Click here to buy Appreciation Night)

Joe Lally - "All Must Pay"

( Click here to buy There To Here)

Redd Kross - "Jimmy's Fantasy" (from the OOP Phaseshifter)
Redd Kross - "The Faith Healer" (from the OOP Third Eye)
Redd Kross - "Peach Kelli Pop" ( Click here to buy Neurotica)

Annotated highlights of a show that kicked, pushed, kicked, pushed, and coasted to a "W":

The Youse Are On Notice series has been banned by the Bush Adminstration. It will resume in 2008.

Phone Line Update: If any other program gives out the exclusive number, Tom will contact the SEC and the ATF to rectify this horrifying, federal matter. In addition to paying for the expensive digits, Tom did half of the work required to lay the solid-platinum cables. He spent an entire weekend digging a ditch from Upper Montclair all the way to JC. While it was not fun, he did it for quality -- to provide the show with the best phone connection on Earth and create its legendary liquid gold soundz. We all know that Dr. Goofycakes has been using it, but et tu, Andy?

- Tom’s reveals (starts at 20:50) that he's got two pairs of tickets to Yo La Tengo’s big NJ show up for grabs. No Manhattan show. No Brooklyn show. One JC show. Tom loves it. Tom thinks whiny New York babies should get on the PATH train just like everybody else. It’s a simple task, and the PATH is a clean little pleasure cruise compared to the filthy, scary subways. Who doesn’t like the PATH train? Commies. Tom will be there and considers setting up his own “Party Corner”, not unlike the Kidd’s Corner at Nets games. Tom questions these pockets of enthusiasts that congregate at sporting events, as if the rest of the crowd is booing one of their star players. He wonders if the fans who designate a section of the arena as, say, “Carter’s Corner” really like Vince Carter that much more than anyone else. Since Tom is a part-time marijuana dealer, he hangs out in Cliff’s Corner at Nets games. “Cliff’s Corner” is actually a code word for a drug drop location within the Continental Airlines Arena. I'm particularly fond of Tom's house blend, which he calls "Stephen Hawking". It's so damn potent that you have to be wheeled out of wherever you smoke it. Tentpole weed!

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Jazz musician and Oscar-winning filmmaker Erroll Garner operates his "Interrotron"

- Spike is the first one in (starts at 26:19), so he can turn in early after a hard day's work in the dungeon. Tom wonders if this is Spike's new term for the DMV, but Spike denies working there. Tom then does an impression of Spike assisting a customer ("Heeeelllloooo, truck driver") who needs help registering his tractor-trailer. Spike is, as always, unphased and moves on without comment. Based on the chatter about Cliff's Corner, Spike asks Tom if he’s into legalizing marijuana. Tom doesn't support the cause because it would put a dent in his successful side business. Spike thinks it should be legalized for medicinal purposes, but not for recreation. Spike is not a pot smoker -- he only does discipline and driver’s permits. Spike doesn’t need crack, marijuana, cocaine, or Xaviera Hollander, aka “The Happy Hooker”. Tom wants to know how Hollander qualifies as a drug, and Spike says he was simply pointing out that some people are addicted to sex. Spike just needs the natural high of discipline and doo-wop because nobody really gets hurt, but Tom thinks plenty of people get hurt with doo-wop. Spike disputes this and says that the music of Jenny from the Bedroom or Séance would inflict pain.

Tom proposes a dilemma for Spike to ponder: Jay-Z announces that he will spearhead a doo-wop revival and starts booking first-class package tours featuring The Orioles, the Del Vikings, and other genre heavyweights. Spike says that he’s no fan of “Jay-D”, a bush-league name change even by Spike’s low standards. Tom asks Spike if he likes Kanyay East. He doesn’t because he’s a fan of real music. Spike says that he might go to see the Del Vikings on the tour, but if Jay-Z performed with them, he would puke his brains out. He’d rather listen to the Maude theme than hear Jay-Z collaborate with any act.

Tom wants to know what’s new in Spike’s world, and he says that he’s on his 360th donut CD. When he gets a break from disciplining people, he burns mix CDs containing his favorite music. Tom asks him what he put on his most recent effort.

Spike: I did Charlie Parker, I did Errol Garner

Tom: The filmmaker?

Spike: No. Erroll Garner, as in …

Tom: The Thin Blue Line?

Spike: No, Erroll Garner, the jazz musician.

Tom: He made a movie about jazz? No, that’s Ken Burns.

Spike: No, no, no, no. No. I made CDs of Charlie Parker’s music.

Tom: Yes. Ok, Charlie Parker, alto saxophone player.

Spike: Right. Benny Goodman, Billie Holiday …

Tom: … and Erroll Gardner, the documentarian.

Spike: No, Erroll Garner, the musician who did “Misty”.

Tom: He did a movie … wait, the guy who did … Erroll Gardner wrote “Misty”?

Spike: Right, mmm hmm.

Tom: Is that before or after he made The Thin Blue Line?

Spike: I think you’re confused.

Tom: He did that movie The Fog of War.

Spike: I never heard of it.

Tom: It was a documentary about some political dude or something. I don’t know.

Spike: Oh, no no. Well, no … I …

Tom: So he’s a filmmaker and he wrote the song “Misty”. He must be loaded.

Spike: No, he wasn’t a filmmaker. He wrote the song “Misty”, but he wasn’t a filmmaker.

Tom: I saw him win an Oscar like two years ago.

Spike: I don’t know who you mean. I don’t watch the Oscars, so I have no idea who won an Oscar …

Tom: Erroll Gardner.

Spike: No.

Tom: The documentar—

Spike: Well, anyway …

Tom: No, no, no, not anyway! No, I’m not done here.

Spike: You’re not done here. Uh-huh.

Tom: He’s a filmmaker, yet you’re telling me he wrote the song “Misty”.

Spike: No … well, I never heard of the filmmaker Erroll Garner, I heard of the musician Erroll Garner.

Tom: Ahhh, okay. So maybe there’s two Erroll Gardners.

Spike: Right.

Tom: Okay, fair enough.

Spike: Oh, and I also did … let’s see, who else, Tito Puente, and Celia Cruz

Tom: He’s good.

Spike: …

Tom: Right?

Spike: And the usual, you know, stuff that I normally would do, you know.

Tom: Like what?

Spike: Oh, Chuck Berry, The Ronettes, The Shangri-La's …

Tom: How many times do you need to burn a Chuck Berry … what, are you finding new Chuck Berry stuff?

Spike: No, I just …

Tom: You need that one album.

Spike: No, I just did one.

Tom: Which one, the Greatest Hits?

Spike: Yes.

Tom: Okay. Anything else?

Spike: Oh, let’s see who else, The Beach Boys …

Tom: No, I don’t want to know all 360 CDs! Do you have any other topics?

Spike: Oh, you should, it’s interesting!

Tom: Oh, it’s real interesting.

Spike: Oh, yes.

Tom: It’s real interesting to see what CDs … you’re probably checkin’ ‘em out of the library.

Spike: No, I make them. And they’re not for sale.

Tom: Oh, you hear that, people? Not for sale. You cannot buy these CDs that Spike puts together.

Maybe Spike will donate a few of these precious collections for use as 2007 Marathon swag. I'm sure they would cause the phone lines to erupt with donations. Tom thought that Spike might be getting into the mix-tape business, taking his stash down to St. Mark’s Place to peddle his Garner-and-Berry mixes amidst the flow of Masta Killa boots. Spike says that his stuff is never for sale since they are his prized possessions. Tom questions the lofty status of a Chuck Berry CD since you can find it at a drugstore for $3.99. Tom also points out that you can buy Jenny from the Bedroom albums at a drugstore. This prompts a call-killing quip from Spike: “Then again, she is the drugstore, but anyway.” This was certainly the most mysterious punchline since Buzzy sold "she must give really good cross-stitch" to Zach Galifianakis. Tom GOMPs Spike for a joke that he compares to a demented Don Rickels circa 2011. Spike’s got at least 99 problems and delivering consistent calls is most definitely one of them.

Recidivism's Research Department was able to get the full list of Spike's source albums, and while he's mainly burning up the usual suspects, there were some surprises:

* The Nation of Ulysses - Plays Pretty For Baby
* Eric B. & Rakim - Paid In Full
* The Crow soundtrack
* Daniel Johnston - Yip/Jump Music
* Poison - Look What The Cat Dragged In

C.C., pick up that guitar and discipline me!

Also, fans of the Spike & Tom banter can check out them out live at Mo Pitkins on Friday night. They will be performing at midnight along with Chelsea Peretti, Jay Davis, and Akiva Smirnoff. Don't miss the duo that Time Out New York called "Abbott & Costello meets Frankie Lymon on a smack binge!"

- Christopher calls (starts at 35:25) to file a complaint against Farmer Eli. He believes that "Farmer Idiot" would be a more apt name for him. Tom doesn't know what Farmer Eli is, so Christopher tells him it's the kid who calls up all the time. The organic farmer from Central Jersey actually called twice, most notably to make a Lighthouse Confession about failing to thank a truck driver who helped him catch a bus out of Nowheresville, U.S.A. Christopher starts taunting Eli, daring him to call the show. Tom GOMPs him.

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- Laurie from Miami calls (starts at 36:29) to rehash last week’s superheroes in sports discussion. She wants to know what would happen if Elongated Man was on the Chicago Bulls and Mister Fantastic was on the Miami Heat. Tom says the Heat would win because the two stretchy guys would cancel each other out, leaving the regular, inelastic Heat vs. Bulls. Tom may want to rethink that pick now that the Bulls have his buddy Ben Wallace! Laurie wants to know who would be the better individual player, and Tom goes with Mister Fantastic. Laurie throws Plastic Man into the mix, and Tom dismisses him as a goofy, streetballer. Laurie doubts anyone could take him seriously, and Tom says the stupid goggles make him look like a basketball player. Laurie thinks Elongated Man would win because he has “drive”, whereas Mister Fantastic is too nerdy. Tom says the victor will be crowned when they both join the NBA and battle it out against each other. Laurie will be watching.

Tom declares Batman the worst superhero athlete since he only has a utility belt, certainly a clumsy accessory for athletic endeavours. Laurie vigorously disputes the selection, reminding Tom that Batman is a trained martial artist. Tom thinks he’d blow out his knee and end up no different than anybody else. Plus, Tom has no idea if he can actually put the biscuit in the basket. In short: Batman is no Bob Pollard. Laurie clings to Batman’s sporting dreams by suggesting that he could take his kickboxing skills to the UFC. Tom says that’s not a sport -- it’s an entertainment show like wrestling. Either way, Laurie thinks he would win a title.

The discussion shifts to proper organized sports, and Tom says that with no super powers at his disposal, Batman would be an average player, limping after a rough slide into second trying to stretch out a double. Laurie cites Batman’s good reflexes as a plus and wonders if Night Wing would be better. Tom thinks he’d be worse. Robin? Just as bad. I think Robin would kill on Dancing With The Stars, though.

Laurie is a big comic book fan, and her current favorite is X-Factor. She also likes Multiple Man, who would likely be a solid defensive player. At this point, Tom wants to know if Laurie has had anything to drink this evening since she sounds “a little loose” as she’s winding down from the day. Laurie says she consumed Diet Coke with lime. Tom adds “… in a big vodka glass" and then does an impression of Laurie pouring Diet Coke into a glass that had somehow already been half full of vodka. Since it would be a shame to waste that perfectly good Diet Coke, Laurie consumes the mixture in Tom’s scenario. Laurie is quite amused by Tom’s accusation and ends the call without officially denying the pre-call libation.

- Christopher is back (starts at 41:36) to ask Tom if he’s on Myspace. He is. He wants Tom to log on right now so people can chat and stuff. Tom informs him that people can do that on the FOT Chat. Christopher wants to know what that is, and Tom gets rid of him because he sounds like he has somebody held hostage. Creepy.

- Zeph Marshack calls (starts at 42:10) to second the gentlemen that was talking about the addictions to the DVDs of the pornographic varietay. Tom’s not sure who he’s referring to, so Zeph says that it was the Dungeon Master (aka Spike) who was talking about "The Happy Hooker". Zeph is the uncle of Rose from The Poster Children, and Tom says that he got yelled at the last time he added “The” to the band name. Zeph thinks Tom deserved it from what he’s hoid. Tom wants him to spell the word he’s pronouncing as “hoid”. Zeph spells it h-e-a-r-d and accuses Tom of playing a northern prank on him.

coke.pngZeph now lives in Columbia, S.C., but he’s originally from parts unknown and on the lam from John Q. Law. Zeph refers to Tom and Laurie’s chat about the cola and the vodka, which Zeph refers to as “the pause that really refreshes.” Zeph loves to wind down at the end of the day with some vodka and cola, and he drinks a little more of the vodka than the cola. For every “bit” of vodka, Zeph likes no cola. Tom confirms that he’s pretty much just drinking straight vodka. Zeph says it looks like water, but it’s hot and boines the throat. Tom’s not sure what that word is, so Zeph tells him that the throat is what the liquid goes down en route to the gullet. Tom was referring to “boines” and asks him to spell that. Zeph obliges with t-h-a-t because Tom said “spell that”. Tom says he’s being kind of a wiseguy, and Zeph accuses Tom of the same charge. Tom says he was looking to find out what that word was, and Zeph says that he’s looking to challenge Tom to a slapfight.

Tom wants to know if it would be part of official league play, and Zeph says he heard that there is a tough league up there with clubs like the Newbridge Redfaces and the Westbridge Handprints. Tom has never stepped into the nonagon, but he does know some people who are in the slapfight league. Zeph says he’s real good at slapfighting because he gets his hands tough and calloused by holding them over an open flame. He also goes down to the local zoo and spanks rhinos. Tom heard they were violent creatures, and Zeph says that they have to be tethered. Tom asks Zeph to name the best superhero slapfighters. Zeph goes with Car Man, a short-lived Marvel character whose lower torso is a car. Tom’s never heard of him. He also thinks that Skillet Man would be good because his hands are skillets. Before he starts slapping, Skillet Man sprays Pam® on his hands to get a smooth surface. Zeph says that he also applies the cooking spray to something else, and this leads him back full circle to the original thing he was talking about: the porn. Tom thinks Zeph’s made his point, but Zeph hasn’t even begun and will be going into the wee hours to do so. He promises to keep Tom posted on his progress.

- Pauline from Montclair calls (starts at 55:12) during her first exposure to The Best Show. She's a New Yorker who moved to NJ about a year ago and finds that riding the PATH train late at night is like getting a free show. The stars are groups of 2-6 girls dressed in prim pastels and teenie-tiny sandals as if they stepped out of Sex and the City or Friends. When they are coming in, they look all nice and pristine. But when they are coming home at 1 a.m., they are completely disheveled, their outfits full of dirt and vomit, writhing around on the floor, legs flailing about. In one scene, Pauline observed a girl trying to help her friend up the stairs. She couldn’t pull it off, so a guy offered to help. The girl was practically passed out, so the guy brought her up the stairs at the PATH station and didn’t know what to do with her. Her friend suggested a drop point, and the guy didn’t look to see how he was dispensing the drooping girl. Consequently, her little dress went up over her shoulders to reveal her thong. Proud, Kodak moments. Pauline is certain that this girl will be a great wife for someone someday.

Pauline said this incident happened about six months ago, but similar scenes happen all the time. Tom wants to know exactly what time it happens. Pauline says the prime hours to see the girls at their most wasted is around 1:30 a.m. to 3:30 a.m. She greatly enjoys seeing the transformation of their “cuffed” hair since she is totally “uncuffed”. Someone’s been studying at the Zeph Marshack School of Pronounciation! Tom doesn’t know what she’s saying and thought it might be “coughed”. Pauline says it’s a term that refers to having your hair perfectly kept and your nails nicely manicured. Tom thinks the words she’s looking for are “combed” and “uncombed”. Pauline says that her hair is curly, so it does what it wants. Tom asks if that’s why she doesn’t comb it, and Pauline confirms that she just puts her fingers through it. If she combed it, it would erupt into a big afro. Tom thinks that might be a cool look.

Tom sums up her call by saying that she has essentially given every prevert free license to ride the PATH train. She has listed the ingredients necessary to concoct a "prevert bomb". Pauline says she’s been called an instigator, and she’s done it again. While she observed debauchery in the 1980s club scene, she particularly enjoys watching the duality of proper suburban pretties transforming into ragged party monsters in the course of an evening. Pauline’s reference to the 1980s club circuit made me remember the time that Michael Alig smashed me over the head with his roller skates at Limelight because I got him the wrong variety of Special K. Good times. My Club Kids name was "Commander Giggles".

- Mike from East Rutherford calls (starts at 59:46) to complain about two things Tom was talking about during last week’s show. The first was Tom ripping on the wonderful sport of hockey. He can’t believe a man of Tom’s intelligence cannot come to appreciate how hockey is the greatest sport ever. What? Stick skating? Mike wants to know Tom’s favorite sport. It is, of course, basketball, which is Mike’s least favorite. Tom recommends that he talk all about how good hockey is and how lousy basketball is on his radio show. Tom GOMPs him for not understanding the concept of having opinions. Tom is not making a pronouncement like some kind of emperor.

- Tom from Brooklyn the Carlsbad Caves calls (starts at 1:01) to say that Pauline was looking for the word “coifed”. Tom says his phone line is horrible, and Tom from Brooklyn blames the echo chamber effect on his cell carrier, Cgrflnr.

- Tristan calls (starts at 1:02) with a correction, which initially sets Tom off on a rant about this being The Gotcha Show. However, Tristan quickly wins Tom back by saying that as an FOT, the pledge dictates that we do as The Kid says. Tristan is a hockey fan, but Tom has spoken: hockey isn’t good. Tom is happy to be re-empowered. Tristan wants to know what Tom thinks of Fat Man’s prospects in sports. While this old DC character has the ability to turn into a UFO, he still chose to name himself after his obesity. Tom says that anyone who can turn into a UFO will have success in professional sports. Tristan thinks he would have the high jump covered, but Tom reminds him that the topic is sports. Tristan says he would do well in football since you could toss him the ball and then zoom! He's gone. You can’t tackle a UFO. Tom is sold on Fat Man. Tristan is done so he tells Tom to have a nice night. Tom loves the all business approach that keeps the show moving. Tristan was in the lead for the Yo La Tengo tickets, but he lives in Providence, R.I., so he’s not.

Hilarious tidbit in this sparse Fat Man bio: “His costume, incorporating a curtain and a lampshade, left a lot to be desired.”



The Real SM: Bryce discovers the wonders of nature in the woods behind Newbridge Commons


- Bryce calls (starts at 1:06) in a state of quivering fear because things have become really creepy since he last talked to Tom. He’s been hanging around Mr. Keith Kincaid, Tom’s Satanic neighbor, the last couple of weeks. Bryce said that Keith seemed like a super cool dude who came on real nice at first by paying to have his lean-to shanty patched up and insulated. Keith also bought him some new Cargo pants and as many rails as he wanted. Tom’s initially disgusted by the coke buys, but agrees not to judge Bryce on this one since he sounds so scared. Keith even had him over to his house for hot dogs and handburgers. Tom says he will let “handburgers” slide, and Bryce tells Tom not to judge him because he ate meat. Tom’s says he's not judging him because he ate meat, so Bryce thinks the hot dogs may be the problem. Tom says those are fine, but he has an issue with “handburgers” because he thinks the correct term is “hamburgers”. Bryce correctly points out that they're not made from ham, and you eat them with your hand. Tom’s actually not even sure what it is correct anymore.

Keith also gave him a really cool robe to keep him warm in the woods. Since Keith was totally helping him out, he became his #1 Dude. But then Keith started making Bryce do stuff because -- in his words -- Bryce owed him. Tom wants to know what tasks he assigned. Bryce says he doesn’t know if this is news to Tom, but Keith really doesn’t like him. Tom says he’s pretty aware of Keith’s feelings at this point. Bryce says that Keith called Tom a “total slob”, said his grass is too long, and accused him of sending the wrong message to local garbage men. Tom heard all about that last week. Bryce then says: “Don’t even get me started on that garden hose.” Tom wants to know if Bryce is quoting Keith or saying it himself. Bryce is saying it because he got an earful from Keith on the topic. Bryce says that Keith came up with some derogatory names for Tom: Slob Scharpling, Tall Grass Feldman, and High Hose McGinley. Tom assumes that the latter is a result of him mounting his garden hose seven inches too high on the side of his house. Bryce reminds Tom that Keith also didn’t like the low-end Ace bracket he used.

Bryce feels really bad about following Keith’s order to get keys made to fit the locks in Tom’s house. Tom wants to know how he pulled that off, and Bryce says that Keith gave him a graphite plug that was inserted into the keyhole. It expands, and then you can get copies made from the mold. Bryce had to give the keys to Werner, who Tom thinks is the cause of all the recent trouble in Newbridge. Bryce wants to know if Tom has seen him. Tom’s says that he looks like Rutger Hauer, but with the black mustache and really blond hair. He’s also short -- Bryce estimates that he’s only 4’ 2”. Werner went into Tom’s house last Tuesday with those keys and put literature for Keith’s church on Tom’s pillow. Tom found it, and he was terrified. Bryce’s connection seems to go out for a few seconds, so Tom wants to know what he’s calling on. Bryce says it's kind of like his mind, but it's also a phone. Tom says there is not enough time to figure out what that is.

Keith also made him hunt and capture Broham, a fox/dog that lives out in the woods near his lean-to. He then had Bryce bring it to the Fun Fair at his house this past weekend. Keith told Bryce that he invited Tom, but Tom was hiding out all weekend because he was a little scared. Bryce can imagine. Bryce brought Broham over, and Keith got super mad because Broham isn’t really an animal after all. It’s not even a living being. In a nutshell, Bryce has been smoking so much Westbridge crippler weed that he hallucinated that it was a living animal. It turns out that it was only a log, Bryce thought it was a fox because it was talking to him. Tom points out that foxes don’t talk anyway. Bryce says this one did and it sang to him, too. Bryce gives a sample of the log’s tune:

Sweet blossom come on under the willow
We can have high times if you'll abide

Bryce says that Mike the Associate Producer would recognize the song. Mike identifies it as the Grateful Dead but wants another performance to detect the specific track. Bryce obliges, adding two more lines:

Sweet blossom come on under the willow
We can have high times if you'll abide
We can discover the wonders of nature
Rolling down something down by the riverside

Mike says it’s “Sugar Magnolia”, which Bryce shortens to “SM”, aka "the real SM", not that other fake one. Tom has no idea what the fake one is, so Bryce explains that it’s a reference to a smart, rich kid slummin’ it in punk and independent music. Bryce isn’t on the best of terms with him due to an incident a few years ago when he played a show in Newbridge. They got into a shoving match at Radio Hut when Bryce was about to buy their last 1/4-inch adapter and he nudged in to scoop it up, totally snaking Bryce. Bryce don't dig that, so he retaliated by shoving him. He shoved Bryce back, and then Bryce shoved him into a rack of gift certificates, knocking him over. After that, Bryce ran and got away unscathed. This is the first Bryce has spoken about the incident, so he informs Tom that he’s got an exclusive on his hands. Tom says that people are gonna really be excited by that, and Bryce picks up on a little bit of sarcasm. Tom thinks that he sometimes needs to get a better measure of what people will really be excited about. Bryce says the only thing he measures is "down below.” Bryce appears to be pleased with these measurements.

When Keith discovered that Broham was just a log, he made Bryce give him all of his weed. Keith said that it’s a terrible thing and makes people stupid. Keith said that he was going to turn it all over to Officer Harrups, but Bryce is almost 100% sure he saw Keith sell it to Reggie Monroe at the Fun Fair. Tom wants to know who else attended the event. Bryce says Troy Renfro, Craig Cooper, and a tiny guy with a weird birthmark on his head -- Barry Dworkin, frontman for The Gas Station Dogs. He identified himself as a musician, but he currently works at the Citgo on Muffler Row. Tom says it sounds like a "Who’s That" of Newbridge. Bryce says it was kind of a happening until this happened.

Keith announces that there will be a blood sacrifice. Since Broham did not actually contain any blood, he had to seek out a replacement. After a couple of minutes, Keith brings out what he said was a goat covered in a white sheet. He handed it off to a hulking guy in dark robe with a big hood over his face. Bryce says the shrouded figure was super creepy. The guy raises a crystalish, sparkly knife above his head. As he’s about to plunge it down, the hood falls off. It was Officer Harrups, a member of the C.O.S. Harrups slams the knife down, but there are no cries or screams from the goat. Bryce then noticed something that looked like a green snake dangling from under the sheet. He realized that it was Tom’s garden hose. Keith couldn’t find a real being to sacrifice, so he thought of what he hates the most and ran across the street to grab Tom’s offensive hose.

Tom didn’t notice that it was gone. Bryce says that Keith told him that Tom is a very delinquent lawn person who doesn’t keep up with his yard work. As a result, Keith decided to kill Tom’s hose. Bryce didn’t say anything because he was so scared. After that, there was the Dance Party with Behemoth, Jr. Bryce disliked the performance because it lacked the subtleties of Behemoth. Bryce proves his point by performing a snippet of a Behemoth song to demonstrate the power of the original band. He then does Behemoth, Jr’s rendition, which is much more limp and not imposing or spooky at all. Bottom line: Behemoth without the cojones. As a result, nobody is dancing, so Bryce does his “Phil Zone Funk”, which he achieves by dancing around in a circle while flailing his elbows. Bryce describes it as "The Funky Chicken" meets Dick’s Picks, Vol. 3.

Tom slams Dick’s Picks for being terrible, and Bryce wonders if Mike is going to let Tom talk like that. Tom says that he’s entitled to his opinion and doesn’t think Mike cares. Bryce thought Mike was on the GD tip and calls him a fair-weather fan. Keith got very mad because the dance was messing up his grass, so he made Bryce sit in his living room and watch Cocoon, his favorite film of all-time. Bryce thought it was pretty good. While Bryce was screening the film, Keith made everyone else take off their clothes and dance naked in a circle. Bryce watched from the window and saw some big puffs of smoke, which obscured the action. When the smoke cleared 10 minutes later, everyone’s clothes were gone. And so were the Kincaids. Tom asks where they went, and Bryce thinks it’s a good question. They stole everything and skidaddled out of town. Officer Harrups was very mad, and he told Bryce that he doesn't even like the C.O.S. -- he just likes stabbin’ stuff. Tom thinks this is a great quality for a law enforcement official. They thought things were really bad because they couldn’t find Reggie Monroe anywhere, but then they heard moaning coming from the bushes. It was Reggie doing his thing.

Bryce just hopes Willie understands, referring to Willie Nelson getting busted last week for weed and 'shrooms. Bryce ratted him out after talking to his buddy Big Little Tiny, who works as Willie's drum tech. They were chatting the night before the bust, and BLT told Bryce their planned route through Louisiana. Bryce mentioned it in passing to Keith, who made him contact the Louisiana authorities to tell them that Willie & Co. would be holding. Bryce says he had no choice because Keith threatened to smash his lean-to. Tom wonders why Keith cares and wants Willie Nelson to get busted. Bryce says that Keith hates pot. Tom points out that he has no problem with coke. Bryce says they are two different things:

Pot = "Oh, man"
Coke = "OH MAN!"

The worst part is that Werner did smash his lean-to, and Bryce is now sleeping on the roof of the Lady Foot Locker, using wet newspapers for blankets. Bryce says that Werner seems like a cool guy. He never got the word from Keith to call off the smashing, so he’s very sorry that he went through with it. Werner offered to help organize Lean-To Aid 2. A transient a couple years ago had his lean-to smashed, so they had a benefit concert featuring Mother 13, Sister Sheila, and The Gas Station Dogs. Tom thinks that the lineup probably brought in just enough money to repair a lean-to. Werner wants to know if Tom will co-MC Lean-To Aid 2 with Rutager. Tom wants Bryce to be OK, but he passes on the offer. Bryce can’t believe it, saying it's the biggest shock in his life since he found out that Rat Dog wasn't coming through town. Tom’s at a loss for words and says that life is full of shocks and disappointments. Bryce is getting shocked right now because he put his finger in a light socket. Tom wants to know why he’s doing that, and Bryce says it seemed like a cool thing to do. He then yells in pain before hanging up. Is Bryce dead from electrocution?

- Doug in Brooklyn calls (starts at 1:27) to follow up on Tom's praise for Mr. George W. Bush two weeks ago during the Air America simulcast debacle. He wants to know what Tom likes so much about the President. Tom wants to know if Doug has an hour. Luckily, he’s free until 11:00 p.m. Tom likes Bush's confidence, his snap-to-it decision making, the choices he makes, and his leadership. Doug starts laughing because he thinks Bush has made some poor choices, such as the war in Iraq. Tom disagrees. Tom thinks it was a noble decision, and he believes that as long was we live in this country, we should support it.

Doug thinks the noble Al Franklin might disagree, but Tom thinks Franklin is terrible for writing a book slamming newscaster Bill Beutel. Doug is not familiar with him, so Tom suggests that he learn some American history to come up with an informed opinion on the topic. Tom declares America the "Home of Learning", which puzzles Dough, who thought that America was the worst in education. Tom informs him that we are the smartest country on Earth. Doug wonders if there’s a test, and Tom says we all took it and passed. Thankfully, Doug did not take it because he would have skewed the grade. Tom says he’s clearly not that smart. Tom was one of the five million people from each country who battled it out. The results are in: America #1. Kazakhstan came in at #177 -- 75% of their answer sheets were ungradeable because they were soaked with fermented horse urine.

Tom’s not sure of his percentile because they don’t provide the individual results. There was a big article on in the issue of InStyle magazine with Kate Hudson on the cover. Tom says that Doug can check it out at the library. Doug thinks it sounds really hott, but Tom’s not interested in that -- he’s interested in education. Tom GOMPs Doug for being a prevert.

- Medium Teddy Leo, frontman for Ted Leo & the Pharmacists, calls (starts at 1:30) to find out if Al Franklin really wrote a book slamming poor Bill Beutel. Tom confirms that he did indeed write The Truth About Beutel. Ted’s not pleased since he grew up with Beutel. Tom did as well and thinks he’s a good guy. Ted’s still toiling away on the new album and while there arezero songs completed, he, Little Danny, and Big Steve are well on their way with eight or nine tunes. Last week, Ted mentioned his lyrical problems, which continue to persist. Tom got a set of lyrics from a listener for Ted’s review. Jonathan from Maplewood, N.J., wrote the words to a song called “When Nerds Talk”. He set them to the tune of “When Doves Cry”, but Ted’s not Weird Al and has no use for tunes. He’s got tunes! He needs lyrics!

First Verse:

Dig if you will the picture of Kirk and Picard in a fight.
Which would stand victorious? If you said, Jean-Luc, baby, you were right.
Picture 10 college cheerleaders, all versed in Lord of the Rings.
They roll a 12-sided die to see who gets at you first, all the while blasting “Court of the Crimson King”.

Chorus:

How could they film Daredevil? Han Solo shot Greedo first.
Season 8 of X-Files was lousy, but season 9 was far, far worse.
300 pounds, an asthmatic, think I’m in need of a walk.
Now replace "walk" with "sheet cake" -- this is what it sounds like when nerds talk.

Tom thinks it’s worth considering because the lyricist is a fellow New Jerseyian. Ted has a lot of time for fellow Garden Staters, but he does have a few problems with the songwriting. He doesn’t think that Lord of the Rings fans are necessarily D&D players. He also rejects the obophobia present in the “sheet cake” line, questioning the link between obesity and nerdity. Ted dispels the common myth that all nerds are obese, and all obese people are nerds. The contribution was not a total loss because Ted will take the lyrics and add them in the category of things he doesn’t want to sing about. This will help him narrow the category of things he does want to sing about. Ted makes it clear that he is not rejecting nerds because 90 percent of his audience is in that category, as is the band itself. Tom and Ted compile a list of things that Ted does want to write about.

1. Love/All Of Its Trappings (a stretch for Ted)

2. Obophobia/Body Issues

3. I Hate George Bush (to get radio airplay; also a bit of a stretch)

Tom proposes I Hate George Bush, but I Love America, but this is a problem for Ted because he feels the opposite way.

4. What Happened to Rock ‘N Roll? (may involve Joe Strummer)

Ted is also intrigued by the FOT Chat suggestion of Where Have All the Suedeheads Gone?, but nixes Picking Up A Hot Lady Hitchhiker.

5. Ted’s Heroes

  a.) Hugh Masekela
  b.) The Pharmacists (potential song title: “The Boys in the Band”)
  c.) The Kid (noted on the list by Tom as “MEEEE!!!”)

Ted says that most stuff will be done by next Tuesday, but there will still be some room for additional lyrics, so the Rock Challenge is still on. Someone on the chat suggests “We Didn’t Start The Fire 2006”, but Ted would never dare to approach the stellar original by Senor Joel himself, who is also one of Ted’s heroes. Having already conquered the world of rap, Ted is bringing the same Rap Battle mentality to rock. Ted learned the lesson of branching out and entrepreneurship from the rap world. If Ted could launch any product, he would start an indie pants label since the only thing he lacks is pants that fit him well. No logo sewn on the back pocket -- they just have to fit.

After some early work with Bob Clearmountain and Tony Visconti, Ted settled on Brendan Canty of Fugazi as a producer. He only charges $5/hour for studio work, but it’s a drag that it’s an all-ages session with kids running around all day. Also, half of the budget goes to buying markers to draw Xs on the kids’ hands. The kids also complain because Ted is not recording any old material.

Creedence Clearwater Revival - "Sweet Hitch-Hiker"

Fugazi - "Great Cop"

- August calls (starts at 2:06), and, as usual, begins by sticking up for The Kid, noting that most of the previous callers were trying to force their opinions on him and change his mind. August says it shouldn’t be up to them to decide what he wants or enjoys. Tom agrees -- The Kid just wants to live! Tom thinks August might be interested in attending the Yo La Tengo rock concert. He is, but Tom’s not sure if he can give the tickets to a young lad of eight 13. August suspects that Tom thought he was younger because his friends like The Hampster Dance. Tom thought August said last week that he was the one who turned them onto the song, but August doesn’t remember that part of his call. Tom wants to know if little August has ever been to a big rock ‘n roll show. He has, and it was also Yo La Tengo. Finally! August likes a specific band. He doesn’t have a favorite song, but he likes what he hears.

August would likely attend with one of his friends, although they are not sure they would be allowed to go without parental supervision. (August’s parents would undoubtedly be concerned that they’d come back high from too much sugar intake.) Tom hopes he sees him at the Party Corner, and August promises to find him if he makes it to the show. Tom says it won’t be hard to locate him because people will be watching his corner while the band is on stage, mesmerized by his crazy dancing and George Segal-inspired banjo stylings. Since August’s phone line is really bad, he's DQ’d from consideration for the tickets. Later in the show, Tom said he might bring a jet pack so he could fly around the Loews Theater to further make the event all about HIM.

- Richard from Chicago's BOOMING voice declares (starts at 2:09) Burt Reynolds's J.J. McClure character in The Cannonball Run the patron saint of The Best Show. Richard says he'll talk softer, but Tom says the high volume was due to having the sotto voce August POT'd up all the way. Tom plugs Richard's Bad at Sports podcast, his own brand of weekly mirth, music, and mayhem that focusing on the local art scene. Tom delivers an intro that promises listeners reviews of paintings, and Richard says he will use to lead off the next show. Tom vows to sue him if he does. In his spare time, Richard is a lawyer, so he could easily mix it up with Tom in the courtroom. Tom thinks his case is weak because he clearly stated that he can’t use it. Tom will end up owning the podcast and will start hiring perverts to review Gentlemen’s Clubs. Richard doesn’t think the BaS audience would be able to tell the difference. (Note: Richard did indeed use it to start Episode #57; Tom has secured disgraced barrister Montgomery Davies to represent him.)

Tom wants to know when Richard will interview Tom on the podcast. Richard says he will drop everything and chat up The Kid the next time he’s in Chicago. Tom wonders why he’s lobbying to be interviewed on a podcast since he already has a weekly, three-hour forum to express his views. Richard thinks there may just be too much Tom Scharpling to be contained in just those three hours.

- A caller nominates Harry Shearer (starts at 2:13) as the patron saint because he has shtick and he’s mildly entertaining with that 40- to 50-year-old subversive, outcast banter that Tom lacks but tries to cultivate. The caller denies suggesting that Tom is a wannabe Harry Shearer; rather, he thinks he’s a worthy saint because he has the qualities that Tom seeks to emulate with smoke and mirrors. Tom thinks he must be kidding because he can take Harry Shearer to school any day of the week.

Tom thinks that Shearer only did one good movie in his life. The caller doesn’t know about his movies, but he knows his radio work. Tom thinks Le Show is horrible, both in terms of content and its dated name. The caller doesn’t find The Best Show to be a much more innovative title. Tom points out that his title is a statement, whereas Shearer’s is a weird, early 1980s thing. The caller suggests that Tom may be Shearer’s patron saint, and Tom prefers that notion because he learned nothing from him other than how to not do radio. The caller thinks that he needs to get out his "dowzer (sp?) stick" and have Tom reveal his redeeming qualities and value as a host, which would help him select a more appropriate patron saint. He was obviously quite confused because he was also considering Mr. T and Webster. Tom would prefer if he took said "dowzer stick" and smashed himself in the face with it. Tom GOMPs him and wants to know what a “dowzer stick” is. As do I.

- Jesse from New York calls (starts at 2:15) from a walky talky, although he claims it's a Pocket PC. Tom says that is close, but not all the way to phone status. Jesse nominates Gary Busey for Best Show patron sainthood. Tom hates him, and Jesse says that’s exactly the point. Tom thinks the Busey nod is about as good as his phone. When Tom was a kid, you typed on your computer and talked on a phone. Oh, the gadgets.

- Robert in the T-Dot calls (starts at 2:16) to agree that Shearer is insufferable. Tom mentions Shearer’s complaints about the declining quality of The Simpsons and offers a solution: stop taking their money and leave. Robert says he never fails to make a reference to either The Simpsons or “The Tap”, a film he starred in 48 years ago. Tom doesn’t deny its greatness, but other than that, Shearer’s done a whole lotta nothing. Tom thinks that Shearer played Squiggy on Laverne & Shirley, and Mike confirms it. Robert mentions that Shearer does a terrible rap in every show, i.e., a 60-year-old man performing what he thinks a rap would sound like. Tom cites the lame intros ("Well I'm Dan Rather, and I'm here to say ...") Shearer performs on his Dropping Anchors record, indicating that he hasn't actually heard a rap in 21 years. Tom also wonders if it's possible to come up with a project more inconsequential than mocking newcasters.

Robert is a new podcast listener, and Tom tells him to promote it to people around those weird hot dog carts. Tom said that when he was in Toronto, he saw a guy reach around the spoon and dip into the self-serve bin with his dirty fingers to pull out some pickles. Tom points out that the spoon is not a blockade on the path to the condiments -- it's a utensil that should be used to retrieve them. Needles to say: no pickles on Tom's veggie dog.



- Stephen from Chicago apologizes (starts at 2:19) for tainting the “W” with his cruddy cell phone connection last week. Tom forgives him. He has also has a patron saint for The Best Show: Ted Knight. Stephen has hit it out of the park. Knight’s saintly reign would, of course, be as Judge Elihu Smails, not as Ted Baxter or the dude -- Henry Rush -- who drew the "Cosmic Cow" comic strip on Too Close For Comfort. Tom thinks that Rush was always too hard on Monroe, who meant him no harm. He orders Rush to lay off him.

- Dennis Lindsey calls (starts at 2:21) to see if Tom will be providing candy for kids this Halloween. Lindsey, who lives a few streets over from Tom, is contacting all of his neighbors to make a list of te houses that will be participating in the trick-or-treating. Tom will have plenty of candy, and Dennis confirms that Tom’s house is the one with all the grass. He says that Tom is a little hard to get ahold of, and Tom says that he works during the day. Dennis understands because he’s a working man who just got home from the office. One of the other neighbors let Dennis know that Tom had a radio show. He didn’t mean to bother him, but that was the only way he knew to contact him. Dennis might call again in the coming weeks to confirm. Tom says he can pencil it in. Natas Acres is alive!



Good Guys Win: Tom's top-shelf handiwork for Miller Lite's Man Laws campaign


- Sean from Harveys Lake, PA., calls (starts at 2:25) to say that Burt Reynolds is a terrible choice for the patron saint. He wants to know if Tom has seen the Miller Lite “Man Laws” advertisements featuring Reynolds. Not only has Tom seen them, but he also wrote four of them. Sean doesn’t like them. Tom’s shocked. Sean thinks they are laddish, nonsensical, FHM bologna. Tom’s original idea: A man needs a beer. He runs over another person with is car to get to a single beer. That’s it. Sean likes that, but Miller didn’t like that because they already had Reynolds, Eddie Griffin, and Triple H lined up.

Sean thinks that the ads disqualify Reynolds, and he supports the candidacy of Ted Knight. He was originally thinking of Jack Soo from Barney Miller, but Tom is more of a Glass man. Sean points out that Soo is deceased, which gives him an edge since he is already looking over you. Sean also thought that Bill Beutel’s onetime partner Roger Grimsby would be a worthy choice. Sean notes that Grimsby cuffed his hair so far back that you could see where his freckled face faded into bright-white scalp. Ted Knight remains in the lead. Sean ends with a Good/Not So Good on the Men of the Square Table and Tom, of course, votes Good.

Sean wants to know how the Good Guys are doing in their quest to win in 2006. Tom says things are going well -- the Miller Lite gig netted him $410,000. Sean wants to know who else is winning. Tom tells him to start fighting and not lay there and let the world squash him. It’s not called Good Guys Inherit -- you gotta get on the court and Bring It!

- Listener Paul calls (starts at 2:29) in the midst of some kind of dream state after he heard the beer talk. He read in a brewery publication that Anheuser-Busch bought Rolling Rock, shut down the Old Latrobe plant, and shifted production to Brick City. Tom says people may get the rock rolled on them if it’s coming out of Newark. Paul doubts that the glass-line tanks will make the trek to the label’s new home. Tom doesn’t care about the brewing vessels, but he agrees with Paul that it’s horrible for people to lose their jobs in the transition. Tom gives Anheuser-Busch the dreaded thumbs-down. Tom’s a Miller man, and Paul recently sampled Philly Boy Roy-fave Yeungling, which he thought was pretty good.

Tom recommends a room temperature Schlitz’s (Paul’s had that pleasure) or a slightly warm Milwaukee’s Best. Tom wouldn’t actually boil it, but he says that you should get the stove warm and set the beer alongside the open pilot lights for three minutes. Remove it, crack it open, and enjoy. Paul attempts to make a long story short by rambling on about the landlord -- a nice Christian man -- at his Mendham flophouse who freaked out when he saw a Pabst beer can he left on the table. Tom wonders why Paul didn’t turn the can for the three-cent deposit. Tom asks Paul to get the other residents of the flophouse to listen to the show. If any of them steal a computer and iPod, as well as hijack someone’s Internet connection, they can check out the podcast. Paul says the the landlord has computers scattered all around the flophouse. Tom’s done with him.

mertzcooktom.png

- Erica from Weehawken calls (starts at 2:33) to win some Yo La Tengo tickets. She has a combo patron saint: Fred Mertz from I Love Lucy with and Dane Cook. Tom is not pleased with the comparison, but, in a perverse way, he wants to give her the tickets. Erica wonders about the perversity because she’s being straight up with Tom. This makes it even worse. Tom tells her that when YLT go into "Beanbag Chair", a man will walk up to the front of the stage with a revolver in his mouth. That will be Tom. Erica clarifies that Tom has the looks of Dane Cook, who is hott, and the funny personality of Mertz. This wins Tom over. Erica is unable to cite the real name of Mertz, but Tom says that unless someone knocks her out, she wins the tickets. All she has to do is root for bad calls for the next 20 minutes.

Erica was accused of having never listened to the show before on the FOT Chat, but she dispels that notion but suggesting that the charge is based on the fact that typically only men call. Her favorite caller is rising star, August.

- Dennis Lindsey returns (starts at 2:37) on speaker phone so he can test it out for a conference call he has tomorrow. He's concerned because one of his three sons is 16 and plans to go out in what Lindsey determined to be his last year of Halloween eligibility. Tom says the age is not a problem. Lindsey also wrote up an optional agreement that he is distributing to all the other neighbors to sign. The document states that Tom will be home and offering candy on 10/31. He wants Tom’s fax number, but Tom refuses. It was just piece of mind for Dennis, but he’ll take Tom’s word for it. Tom is glad that he's mapping it out a month in advance, and Dennis says that he’s known for his planning skills. He also suggests that Tom should change his hold music to something by Big & Rich.

- A caller nominates (starts at 2:40) Neil Diamond as patron saint for always saving the show with a certain little jingle. Tom’s verdict: interesting not that interesting. The caller begins crying and hangs up.

- A caller has (starts at 2:41) has a Good/Not So Good: the iPod. Tom isn’t sure. The caller says he would use it for commuting on the subway and listening to The Best Show podcast. In that case, Tom says Good. Tom does not flaunt his in public -- he uses it in his car. The caller wishes he owned a car. Cars? Good.

- Michael from Milwaukee gives (starts at 2:43) gives props to warm beer as he sips a warm Mickey’s. That’s all he has to say about that. Tom has one thing to say about it: worst call of the evening.

- Robert in San Francisco calls (starts at 2:44) to stick up for the soft-serve Harry Shearer. While Robert is impressed that Shearer does all the voicework since he has no callers, Tom views it as a sign of cowardice -- he’s afraid to mix it up with the public. Robert cites Shearer’s great impression of Mike Wallace and his work as Mr. Burns and all those other crazy Springfield citizens. He doesn't think that Tom will ever touch him, and Tom hopes he doesn’t. Tom doesn’t care about Shearer and directs Robert to do a dance in his honor if he thinks he’s so great. Robert mentions his work in the Christopher Guest mockumentaries, such as A Mighty Wind, which Tom finds indisputably horrible. He wants to know if Tom perused the extras on the DVD. Tom had a hard enough time making it through the scenes they actually chose to put in the movie. He compares viewing the deleted scenes to devouring the leftovers from an awful meal. Robert thinks Tom’s missing out, and Tom says that Shearer is all his. Robert seems satisfied and parts with an “over and out.” Tom would actually give him the YLT tickets if he wasn't based in SF.

- A caller has (starts at 2:46) two television-based Good/No So Good entries. Northern Exposure and the similarly-themed Men In Trees. Tom goes with Not So Good on both. The caller then nominates the MIA Hall of Famer Gord for patron saint of the show.



- Petey checks in (starts at 2:47) with Good/Not So Good: Drinking cough syrup Bill Murray. Tom says Good. Petey follows that up with "Bill Purray" -- Bill Murray except with a “P”. Petey is laughing, and Tom doesn’t think even he should find such jokes funny anymore. Tom plans to stage an intervention in two weeks with Mike, August, Sathington, and Cpt. Jack. Tom realizes that if all of those people attend, he may start drinking. Petey doesn’t know what an intervention is, so he’s in for a surprise. The "Bill Purray" joke proved to be one of the most controversial comedy events of the past week along with the Cross/Belushi incident.

- Officer Tom calls (starts at 2:49) in the home stretch yet again, recusing himself from any Yo La Tango [sic] tickets. He's got a Good/Not So Good: Saturday Night Live. Tom says Good. OT worked a location shoot for SNL four days ago and saw Kenan Thompson, Darrell Hammond, and one of the new guys that he did not know. OT spoke with Kenan, who was a nice guy. OT wants to talk about the other guy who is no longer with the show, but Tom can’t talk about that. He and Kenan chatted about movies, and he vaguely knew about The Best Show.

OT offers to help with the Petey intervention, and Tom thinks he may have to take Petey straight to the rehab center. They both suspect that Petey will need to be subdued with a tranq dart to the leg or forehead. OT likes the tasers, but they are not authorized in NJ. OT hopes they implement them in the next five years so he can use one in the line of duty before he retires. OT likes to view taser videos on YouTube, while Tom prefer the creepy kid gig, "Little Superstar". OT thought Tom was referring to the guido kid (contains filth talk; I think this is a clip of a young Jerry Ferrara)

My favorite YouTube is A:F6 or whatever comes up when I punch my keyboard and hit enter.

- Dave from Knoxville calls (starts at 2:52), but Tom needs to give away some tickets. Dave politely asks Tom to dump him, and says he’ll call again next week. Tom admires his attitude.

- Pat Burn has (starts at 2:53) a trio of Good/Not So Good entries: Long Island, Brooklyn, and the new designs for the World Trade Center location. Tom goes Not So Good on all three, and Pat grees with the assessments. He also says that The Long Walk To New York has been postponed at least until Spring 2007. They couldn't wrangle Sweet Tooth, so they may have to wait until he gets out of prison in 2014. Tom thought he saw Sweet Tooth prowling for 13-year-old girls on Dateline NBC: To Catch A Predator. I heard that Sweet Tooth is sharing a cell with No Smokin' Joe at Rahway State Prison.

Speed Round for the final pair of tickets:

* Joe is a cook at a Hilton in Edison, and the concert would be an awesome way to spend his only day off. His specialty is penne vodka with meatballs. He's in the running.

* A caller is disqualifed because Tom doesn't like his voice.

* A caller is disqualified for not being able to operate a phone.

* A caller is disqualified for a terrible phone.

* Evan wins the tickets by getting Tom's take on Route 1 (Good), Route 9 (Good), and the Pulaski Skyway (Not So Good).

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:: August analyzes Yo La Tengo's JC set list, Tom debuts the risque PATH Train Confessions, and Harry Shearer battle raps Ted Leo.

Show some love for "the jewel of the Quint Cities":

newbridge_lovers.jpg


Take us out, Erroll ...


Comments

Nice catch on the Plastic Man/Kurt Rambis doppelgangerhood.

The "...and I'm here to say" riff still has me giggling.

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