Darkness on the Edge of Sam's Town.
"Who goes to the beach in a suit? Oh, silly. What were ya thinking?" -- Tom, on Mac McCaughan's ill-advised beachside attire
"It’s The Mamas and the Papas -- it’s not The Mamas and Papas. It’s an insult to the Papas." -- Tom, scolding Spike for omitting a crucial article
"Keep going, Weird Al, even though I hate you.” -- Tom, admiring Yankovic's persistence, if not his parodies
"That’s one small step for a baked man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil Armstrong, transmitting from the moon
"Michael, my man, don’t be scared, my brother. Those aren’t flying demons out there, dude -- they’re sky diamonds, just like John sings about." -- Jerry Garcia, talking down astronaut Michael Collins as he orbited the moon on 'shrooms
"Ike got him turned onto it, and he was totally stoned all the time." -- Bryce, on Richard Nixon being a "weed hound" in his revelatory history lesson
"I never thought I’d agree with Nixon in terms of his musical taste." -- Tom, surprised to discover that Nixon found Quadrophenia too sprawling and unfocused
"Jimmy, Brighton was just a läff." -- Text of Bryce's back tattoo
"Ronald Reagan did never smoke marijuana." -- A grammatically challenged Fred defending his man against drug charges
"Yeah, I was outside playing and making friends. I’m so weird!" -- Tom on his failure to watch the short-lived cartoon, ProStars
"Hey, guess who’s not eating that Snickers bar anymore?" -- Tom, after finding out that the candy was stored in Purple Shirt’s underwear bag
"If you ever need a sitter …" -- Tom, suggesting that the surviving members of Poison Idea could look after Baby Ed
"Well that means it’s gotta be good because America has great taste, right? They’ve never liked anything bad." -- Tom on Bob Dylban debuting at #1 on Billboards
"If you’re gonna grab the check, use your name." -- Tom, disapproving of Bill Murray's decision to alter his name for the Garfield credit
"I don’t want to be assisted. Never assist me!" -- Tom, wanting to rock out to the P.C. Richard & Son hold music in peace
"Felt like my spaceship landed, I got off, and I was on Planet Old." -- Tom on entering the casino boofay line
"You know there are new keyboards available. Spend some of that money on a new keyboard." -- Tom, telling Brandon Flowers upgrade his instrument
"That’s rock ‘n roll, junior. That’s what it’s like. Yo La Tengo, they’re not gonna half-step it up there, they’re gonna rock out and blast you with the sound." -- Tom, explaining the origins of the weird vibrations August felt
"Elton is goob." -- Everyone in Petey's high school
"I didn't hear anything on the news about the cold water shortage." -- Tom, at a loss for explaining the lethargy
( Click here to pre-order So Divided)
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Portastatic - "Sour Shores" (acoustic demo)
Phone Line Update: Tom provides a bit more ammuniton in the fight to protect the exclusive phone line. When reporting a violator, please cite bylaw 2-32b of the station policy handbook. As we all know, Tom has been paying through the nose for a number with costs escalating to upwards of $5,000/call. Tom admits that he was overpaying, so he negotiated a more affordable rate with a Verizon rep. The cost is down to 35 cents/ call -- still not cheap, but a little more manageable.
Chasing Rick Santorum: The crusading heroes of The Orange Crate Massacres set off to capture their first Republican baddie
- Tom sees a line flashing (starts at 25:25) and he vaguely dreads it and … yeah, it’s Spike. Spike praises a selection from Tom's opening -- and only! -- music set, but there is a dispute about the band name:
Spike: I see you played The Mamas and Papas, you played some quality.
Tom: No, I played … I didn’t play The Mamas and Papas.
Spike: Yeah, you did. “I Saw Her Again Last Night”.
Tom: Uh, I didn’t play The Mamas and Papas.
Spike: Uh, yeeeees, you did.
Tom: Uh, no, I didn’t.
Spike: Anyway, you should also play some ...
Tom: No-no-no, no, no. I’m not lettin’ this go. I didn’t play The Mamas and Papas.
Spike: Anyway, you should also play some Pandora Spocks.
Tom: No-no-no, I played The Mamas and THE Papas.
Spike: Whatever, you should also play some Pandor--
Tom: No, you droped the "the", you dropped the "the" in there.
Tom: It’s The Mamas and the Papas -- it’s not The Mamas and Papas. It’s an insult to the Papas.
Spike: Well …
Tom: The Mamas and THE Papas. Say it.
Spike: The Mamas and the Papas.
Tom: There you go.
Maf54: Hey guys, I've missed you.
Omar: WTF?? How did you get on this? Get Off My Recap, Foley!!
Spike: Hi, Matt.
Tom: Ewww, boy.
Omar: Ewww, boy is right, Tom.
Maf54: Listen, I have to go vote, but can I have a--
Spike: See you Thursday night in the dungeon, congressman. Discipline! ;-)
Maf54 signed off at 8:33:21 PM
Spike returns to his plea for more Pandora Spocks, which Tom can't identify. Spike says it was a person who played Serena on Bewitched -- the credited pseudonym of Elizabeth Montgomery. Tom declares Spike a font of TV knowledge. Spike claims he only watches high quality shows like Bewitched. Tom speculates that some would say it’s a sign that Spike never left the house, but Tom will not say that. Tom wants to know if Spike is going to bring anything new instead of the usual diet of doo-wop, Chucky movies, and discipline. In short: no.
Spike is geared up for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, but he’s not sure if it will live up to the hype of the classic original. Spike then rattles off his standard collection of other horror "classics" (e.g., ISOYG, LHotL, the Chucky / Jason / Freddy / Michael franchises). At this point, it would be very refreshing if Spike could at least branch out within the horror genre. I don’t think he’s actually seen a horror film since 1992. Spike says that he wants Jason in the White House, erasing any fleeting chance that he'd have some new riffs. Left with nothing to work with, Tom outlines a typical Spike call:
1. Bash our beloved President (Spike argues that somebody has to do it, and he’s just glad it’s him.)
2. Mention television
3. Mention horror movies
4. Mention quality music from the old days
5. Mention discipline (Tom requests that Spike say the word, so Spike obliges with a trio: “Whips, chains, and discipline.”)
Tom thinks Spike hit all the bases and it’s time for him to bring some new moves to the game. He’s getting shut down -- Tom has him figured out. Tom wants to know if he left anything else out, and Spike says that he also wants to see a film called Debbie Does Denver. Tom thinks The Orange Crate Massacres would be a good horror film. It revolves around Spike getting off his orange crate and chasing after people. Spike suggests chasing some nice Republicans. Tom requests another movie review, and Spike gives a brief rundown of coming attractions to alert listeners to where they might be able to have a scary encounter with him. Tom imagines a scenario where he's watching a spooky horror movie and then hears “Heeeelllloooo, Tom” coming from behind him. Spike thinks Tom really needs to get with the program; Tom tells him to shut up and ends the call. Tom is sick of Spike’s inability to bring new stuff to the table.
Prediction? Pain: Weirder Jon will train equally hard for his upcoming Weird-Off
- Jon from Maplewood 07040 calls (starts at 30:12) to follow up on his lyrical throwdown "When Nerds Talk", which was presented to pro rock star Ted Leo last week. Jon laments that it wasn't in Ted's wheelhouse and won't find purchase on his new record, but thanks Tom for giving his art a chance. Tom suggests submitting the song to MAD TV magazine in case they get back into the record business or, better yet, giving it to “Weird Al” Yankovic as a potential b-side. Tom is excited about the release of Straight Outta Lynwood, Yankovic's new album. Tom admires his persistence, even though he hates him. Tom files Al in the category of people you end up admiring because they doggedly cling to their dated shtick. Tom reluctantly gives the man some props for still doing "it", whatever "it" is. “It” was terrible in 1982, and “it” is still terrible.
Jon is in the software industry where Weird Al remains a demigod among people who worship at his parodical alter. Tom is surprised to find out that software programmers would be Weird Al fans -- he never would have thought that techies would gravitate towards him. Tom is surprised that Jon has not heard of the new record considering he’s surrounded by his fans. Jon says he was trying to ignore the release because he was trying to work on his own material in the same genre. He was hoping to become the new Weird Al, investing all his hopes and dreams on that one song. Tom thinks he should go by "Weirder Jon", taunting Al with his more intense weirdness quotient. Tom wants him to call Al out at live shows, challenging him to a Weird-Off like Clubber Lang: "You ain’t weird anymore! You ain’t been weird since Running with Scissors. I want my shot! I’m weird. I’m the weirdest!” Jon is pleased to be the Mr. T of mock music.
Baked in space: A totally stoned Neil Armstrong struggles to put the historic expedition into perspective
- Bryce checks in (starts at 33:59) with his broham to say he’s doing a little better than last week. Tom doesn’t think it’s possible to be doing worse than last week’s diabolical adventures at the Fun Fair and subsequent shanty destruction at the hands of Werner. Bryce confirms that Tom hasn’t seen hide nor hair of the Kincaids since. Tom doesn’t even look at their house anymore, hoping to avoid their glare. Bryce thinks they are gone, so Tom doesn't have much to worry about for now.
Bryce asks Tom if he heard the news today. He's referring to the breakthrough involving the time Neil Armstrong and those dudes landed on the moon back in 1969. When Armstrong stepped out onto the surface for the first time, hiistory recorded his transmission as “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Armstrong always claimed that one word got caught in the static and was inaudible -- he said “a man”. A dude down in Australia analyzed the tape and stripped back the static. He found that errant “a”! Bryce thinks it changes all of history. What’s even crazier, they found another errant word on the transmission tape in that same sentence: “That’s one small step for a baked man, one giant leap for mankind.” Bryce says that Neil never revealed the drug reference for political reasons, but the Australian unearthed it.
Bryce points out that there’s always been rumors about moon landing hoaxes feuled by things such as Capricorn One. There were also rumors -- now verified by the tape -- that all those guys were totally baked. Buzz Aldrin, Armstrong, and Michael Collins were all smoking weed the whole time in the space shuttle. Collins, who was orbiting while the other two dudes were out walking, was also on ‘shrooms. He was originally supposed to be the dude that stepped on the moon, but he was tripping too hard to execute the moonwalk. Tom wonders where Bryce is getting this information, but Bryce says it’s common knowledge. He claims that Jerry Garcia was brought into the NASA Space Center in Houston to talk Collins down. Tom has never heard any of this. Garcia was sitting there with his headset, trying to calm the frightened Collins. He told him that instead of flying demons, he was actually just seeing the "sky diamonds" that John Lennon sings about. Then he told him to put his head between knees and just ride it out.
After that, he began to sing to the astronaut. Tom asks what song, and Bryce thinks it's one of the dumbest question he's ever heard. Tom says he simply doesn’t know because it’s all new to Tom. It turns out to be a very good question because Bryce can't decide if the tune was "Mountains on the Moon", "China Cat Sunflower", or "Cosmic Charlie". Bryce thinks it was actually "St. Stephen". Bryce is confused, but he does know what happened next. Jerry smoked out with Colilns. According to Bryce, President Nixon was totally down with the Earth-to-Moon simpatico puffin'. Tom is surprised by the Presidential sanction, but Bryce says this was known in some circles.
Tankin' Up: Dwight Eisenhower assesses the damage done to his bong after a rousing night of turret hits and improv comedy
Bryce says that 75% of the presidents that came before Nixon and 100% that came after smoked weed every day. Consequently, Bryce confirms that Reagan totally smoked weed on a daily basis while in office. Tom wants to know how he’s never heard this. Bryce says that Tom is not clued in like the they are, but Tom thinks he’s making it up. Bryce says it’s in the books and he’s done the required research. He wants Tom to do his. Tom says the burden of proof is not on him for these historical revelations. Bryce thinks it is and lists the presidents that did not smoke weed: Millard Fillmore, James Polk, James Garfield, and Harry S Truman. This caused a big rift between Truman and Ike. Truman didn’t puff tuff, but Ike totally did. During WWII, Ike would fill a tank with weed smoke, and then he, Gen. Douglas MacArthur, Gen. George Marshall, and Gen. George S. Patton would go sit in it. They called it "Tankin’ Up".
While smoking, they’d riff out comedy bits. No audio has survived, but from what Bryce has heard, the routines involved what a tool Mickey Rooney was and which member of the quartet touched the most breasts. In other words: good, clean fun. Tom is relieved because he thought he was going to say that they smoked through the turret of the tank. Bryce says that they did that, too. Glenn Miller would go on the other side of the tank to partake of what they called "turret hits". They used the tank as a giant bong. So did the Germans.
Tom wants some more details on Bryce’s sources of information. Bryce gets it from people he knows, books, and a lot of pamphlets. He hasn't done much Web research lately because he has no access out at the lean-to. He only has electricity if he goes to Java the Hut to log onto their computers. The first time he went there, he thought he was logging on, but he was actually pushing the buttons on their cash register, which led to his arrest. Bryce was able to sweet talk his way out of it by pretending that he was very baked, which wasn’t really pretending. They put him in a holding cell where he chilled out. Bryce admits he was trying to steal money. Tom informs Bryce that it’s illegal and he’s a borderline criminal, so it doesn’t surprise him. Bryce says that if that’s true, then so was Richard Nixon. Bryce says that Nixon became a huge "weed hound" after Ike turned him onto the drug. He was totally stoned all the time, which was hypocritical since he was going after counter-culture icon John Lennon.
At the same time Nixon was after Lennon, he was totally crankin' stuff like Moby Grape, Quicksilver, and The Electric Prunes. Bryce says that if you listen closely, you can hear Mass in F Minor playing in the background of the Watergate tapes. Bryce has heard some unreleased Nixon tapes via his buddy, Scooch, who hangs out in front of what used to be the Lady Foot Locker in Newbridge Commons. On one tape, Nixon talks about how much he hates The Who's Quadrophenia. Tricky Dick loved Tommy and Who’s Next, but he found Quadrophenia too sprawling and unfocused. Tom never thought he would agree with Nixon in terms of his musical, but he's totally with him on this one.
Nixon actually got some early demos and tried to get Townshend to make the record less Anglo-centric with all the mods and rockers stuff. Townshend didn’t go for it, and, in retrospect, Nixon was right. Bryce says that the tunes that hold up don’t have nothing to do with mods and rockers going down to Brighton for a läff. Tom can’t place the reference, so Bryce asks him if he has ever seen the film. Tom saw it a long time ago. Bryce reminds him that Jimmy scored with a bird and thinks they're all hot and heavy because they did it in Brighton. Later on, he’s back in London and he tries to get it happening with her again. She’s not into so she goes, “Jimmy, Brighton was just a läff.” Bryce has the line tattooed on his back, complete with the umlaut. Tom says it’s good to know Bryce values his body.
Nixon wanted to legalize all drugs, but he knew that the people couldn’t handle them like he could. Bryce assumes that Tom knew that he founded High Times magazine with Gerald Ford. Tom had no idea. Bryce says it’s all in that pamphlet, Presidential Drug Stuff, written by Scooch. It’s less a pamphlet and more a sheaf of notebook paper. Tom wonders how that could be credible. It seems believable to Bryce, who wants to know if Tom will try to deny what he’s about to lay on him. Bryce says that W puffs the biggest of all of them. The source? Scooch’s sheaf. W is always screwing up because he smokes hydrophonic Westbridge crippler weed. Tom assumes that W is getting the weed from Westbridge, N.J., but Bryce calls him a dummy because he’s actually getting it from Dick Cheney. Cheney gets it from a Westbridge dealer and supplies it to people like Tom Delay and Matt Foley, the dude who’s in trouble for all those text messages. Chris Farley based his van-dwelling
Bryce knows he’s not making it up because he’s seeing it in his mind right now. He ends the call afer he visualizes something else: Tom’s murder. The pot has worn off, and Bryce is coming back down to Earth. It’s officially showtime.
- An angry Fred refutes (starts at 51:09) the claims of Presidential toking made by "that woman". He's especially adamant that Ronald Reagan did never smoke marijuana. Fred wants to make this clear to people so lies will not be propagated. He thinks that if anyone smoked marijuana, it was Jimmy Carter -- and everybody knows it. Tom asks him where he got that information. Fred says we know what’s right, and we know what’s wrong. There are certain conspiracy theories which are true, and others that are made up by a woman. Fred calls Reagan the greatest President this country has ever seen. He mentions his Oldtimer’s disease and thinks it’s a sad thing to make fun of his man who saved us from the Russians. He says that GWB also doesn't smoke up, but he repeats his charge against Carter. Tom asks him if he has anything else, and Fred yells “No!”. Tom then wins the hang-up war. Tom points out that Fred has apparently done a loop through the south and returned with a bit of an accent.
His impassioned oratory definitely appeared to be influenced by Southern preachers.
- No Smoke (thinly disguising his voice by yelling) tells Tom (starts at 53:02) he’s lucky that he was beaten out by Busfield for the acting gig on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. NS hates the show and doesn't think it will finish the season. Tom says it definitely will and wants to bet on it. NS backtracks and changes his terms to be that it won’t get picked up for a second season. NS thinks that Tom might know more about these things. (He does.) Tom calls him a dirtbag who stepped on his heart for his own sick, twisted pleasures. Tom recounts his offenses for the uninitiated and regrets the wasted years he spent enduring his boring nicotine ruse. Tom recently saw the filthmonger get caught by Chris Hansen on Dateline NBC: To Catch A Predator. Tom wonders what would happened if one of their own -- like SNL's Brian Williams -- walked into the trap.
- Tommert calls (starts at 55:46) while in some kind of stupor. Tom wonders if he could dial it down and talk a little quieter. Tommert says OK. Tom tells him to go away.
- A caller from Southern Maine thinks (starts at 56:25) Tom might want to do a cartoon character draft with him. He runs it down -- four rounds of picks and callers will decide who wins. Tom asks for some clarification because he’s getting confused … and sad. The caller explains that they will alternate picks, and the person who assembles the best team wins.
Caller: Michael Jordan from ProStars (Caller notes his “killer jump shot”)
Tom: Bugs Bunny (Tom notes his ability to pull guns out of thin air and brake while falling from an airplane)
Caller: John Candy from Camp Candy (notes his ability to run a camp)
Tom: Road Runner (fast)
The caller congratulates Tom on his picks and looks forward to the best team winning. Tom says it’s not really up for discussion since he just crushed him. The caller doesn't agree and says Tom not knowing ProStars blew his mind. Tom says that he was outside playing and making friends when it aired. The caller was watching cartoons. Tom asks if he can tell reality from fontasy. The caller skirts the question by saying something about his relationship with his television set. Tom agrees to take some votes in the toon battle.
1. Hefty Smurf (obviously strong and takes zero in the way of s hit from Brainy Smurf)
2. Timothy “Speed” Levitch in Waking Life (able to go salsa dancing with his own confusion on really romantic eventings of self)
- Purple Shirt is back (starts at 1:01) from Russia and votes for Tom's team. Tom gets rid of the cartoon caller to find out about the art installation. As promised, PS did snap a photo of the Snickers bar at the Kremlin, but he needs to get it to Tom before his son eats it. Tom wonders if the kid is some out-of-control animal who won't obey a directive not to eat it. PS has made it clear that it's Tommy's Snickers, but he's not sure how long it will last. Tom suggests just buying another bar to satisfy him, and PS agrees to stop at a store on the way home. Tom recommends something better like an apple, but the kid prefers the Snickers bar that was in PS’s underwear bag for three weeks. Given that information, Tom announces that he will not be eating it. He GOMPs PS and tells him to return to Russia.
- Conner picks (starts at 1:03) Tom’s toon team to win because he’s got the guy from A-ha. Tom says that Bugs Bunny beats everybody, citing his classic turn in “Baseball Bugs” in which he brought it at every position on the diamond and lived in the stadium. Conner also reminds Tom that Michael Jordan and Bugs worked together in Space Jam. Tom asks Conner if he knows about ProStars. He doesn’t because nobody does. Tom is developing an animated show focusing on Jordan’s second comeback while on the Wizards. The plot will include Jordan yelling at Rip Hamilton and making slurs against Kwame Brown. Conner thinks it sounds awesome. The show will be on The Shout! Network. Since Conner doesn’t get it, Tom tells him to call his cable provider to shout that he wants the channel NOW! That's how you do it.
- PS calls back (starts at 1:05) and thinks Tom was harsh for hanging up on him. Tom reiterates that he will not eat the Snickers. He also says that PS ’s art project has fallen apart. PS thought it was Tom’s art project. Tom says that his art project was watching PS tap dance like he was on a hot tin roof obeying his command to fly to Russia and snap a photo of the Snickers in front of the Kremlin. The title of Tom’s project was “How Far Will You Go?” PS is riding his bike home from Manhattan, and Tom advises him not to bang his head on any tree branches or going through any tunnels. PS won't have to worry about any head trauma because he's on his non-tall bike. PS still rides his unicycle and recently completed a four-mile trip. Tom wants to know who was chasing him, but PS says he was doing the chasing (perhaps he was tracking down August in a game of Cops and Robbers).
Mike the Associate Producer wanted to know if PS was in a pet parade, but that's on the agenda for next week. PS will lead it. Tom wonders how many jerks will participate with their snakes wrapped around their heads. PS is afraid of snakes and thinks owning them is dangerous. Mike says that someone brings a snake to his softball game at McCarren Park, and Tom believes the snake roots for a team called “Escape” so it can return to his native tropics. Snakes don't wanna be in Williamsburg.
PS says he will mail the soiled Snickers bar to Tom, who will immediately trash it. Tom wants to know why he let the Snickers mingle with his undies. PS claims that increased security measures prohibited him from carrying it on the plane. Tom thinks that wrapping it with his shirts would have been a much better storage solution. PS opted for his toiletry bag full of medications, vitamins, and a bottle of shampoo filled with crippler weed. Tom predicts that the Snickers bar would taste like Tom’s of Maine fennel toothpaste. PS begins huffing and puffing into the phone as he crosses the Queensboro bridge, producing significant static. He rings his bell. Tom loved it. (Not really.) Tom tells him to ride safely and not be such a hotshot by multi-tasking. Tom did not have this on his list of ideas for the show: Talk to PS about riding his unicycle.
- Tom calls Hova (starts at 1:10), co-host of Greasy Kid Stuff, at his headquarters amongst the street filth in Portland. Hova reports that Baby Ed doesen’t have dreadlocks yet, but she is wearing purple tie-dyed pants that adhere to the hippified mindset of the town. Tom wants to know if she’s hanging out with the guys from Poison Idea. Pig Champion passed on, but the other guys are still there. Tom recommends them as potential babysitters.
Tom heard rumors that the Oct. 7th GKS show is the farewell installment after an 11-year run. Tom thinks it’s sad, and Hova is saddened by it as well. He and Belinda are greatly appreciative of the nice e-mails they've been getting from loyal listeners. Tom once attempted to latch onto their market with the Montrose-heavy Kid Zone, and he's interested in taking over their brand now. Hova says that while the radio program is ending, they will still use the Greasy Kid Stuff name for other projects. Tom wants to buy the rights to the name for a generous $4 US so he can own it in perpetuity throughout the universe. Hova says it’s tempting because money is a bit tight these days. Tom then reveals the big twist: it will no longer be a kid’s show. Tom will interview adult entertainers and directors of smut movies in an X-rated podcast. Belinda and Hova would still be attached to the show, and Tom would broadcast as Hova. Hova says that if they went through with it, they would need some extra money for the use of their names. Tom throws in another dollar for using “Hova”. Belinda and Baby Ed arrive on the scene, and Hova proposes the offer to Belinda, who is intrigued.
Tom throws in another dollar for use of her name and further sweetens the deal by offering to arrange for some bread to be pre-purchased at a supermarket of their choice. Hova will consult with his lawyer and draw up some papers. Hova sees no possible drawbacks, and Tom doesn’t see how this could ever come back to haunt them. GKS as a kid’s show had a good run, and now it’s time to take it into the 21st century with a little edge --Greasy Kid Stuff Xtreme. Hova said he discovered a metal show of the same name on Cleveland’s WRUW. Based on that, Tom thinks he could probably just start using the name without having to fork over $6 and a loaf of bread. Tom asks Hova if he knows any adult entertainers that could appear on the debut show. Hova suggests Ron Jeremy, and Tom thinks that would be a good way to kick it off since he was on The Surreal Life. Tom asks Hova if he wants to hear his impression of him, but Hova doesn’t. He doesn’t want it to exist. However, Mike wants to hear it, so Tom obliges -- the high pitch is nearly identical to Tom’s trademark “bye” caller sign-off.
Tom will miss the show and thinks many kids will remember the it fondly, having heard their birthdays announced over the air by their beloved hosts. B & H have put their thumbprint on countless children. Tom wants to know what they will do with the same six records they played every week. Hova thought they could sell them for $6. Belinda takes the phone and declares Tom the winner in the TBS vs. GKS battle. Tom wasn’t even going to bring up the fact that The Best Show is still standing, while GKS is taking a dive. From now on, Michael Shelley will replace those same, comforting records with a brand new half-dozen tunes. Tom heard rumors of plans to add a seventh record to the GKS repertoire. Belinda says a song by Snow Patrol was a possibililty. Belinda says that friends and fans will still be able to contact them at stuff at greasykidstuff dot net, which is good news because Tom will be disabling their WFMU e-mail accounts at 12:01 p.m. on Saturday. Tom closes out the call with his pick for their seventh song: Neil Diamond’s “Porcupine Pie”.
- BT from Sparta calls (starts at 1:25) because he considers Tom a musicologist. He wants Tom's scholarly take on the new Bob Dylban album, Modern Times. Tom thinks it stinks and doesn't need to hear Bob do stupid blues songs like he's attempting to make a Leon Redbone album. BT asks Tom about Dylban’s reworking of Merle Haggard’s “Workingman Blues”, but Tom didn’t make it that far (track 6). He had already thrown the CD out of his car window around Exit 13A on the NJ Turnpike. BT respects Tom’s opinion and is not sure if he’s a fan of the album. BT points out that it debuted at #1 on the Billboards chart. Tom says then it must be good because America has great taste and has never liked anything bad.
BT mentions Dylan’s XM radio show. Tom has only heard a little bit of it, but Mike is a big fan. He studies it, transcribes it, and then re-reads the transcriptions looking for pearls of wisdom. Tom likes Blob Dylan, a 600-pound Bob Dylban impersonator based out of Lancaster, PA. Blob is closely following Dylban’s evolution, having just finished his Street Legal phase, and now he's discovered the Lord. BT is impressed and can only must a “Holy Crow” in response. Holy Crow indeed.
- A caller wants (starts at 1:28) to talk about the cartoon teams, and Tom thinks he's part of a rogue collective trying to hijack his show with this topic. He tuned in late so he wasn’t sure what sport the teams would be playing. He thought the caller assembled a very unathletic team. Other than MJ, the rest of his team is either fat, small, or old. The caller thinks that team could excel at bowling. Tom wants him to admit to being friends with Cartoon Guy. Tom says he won’t hang up on him if he admits it and suspects it’s notorious agitator Get Off My Bone. He wants to know why Tom likes Blob Dylan, but not Petey’s polarizing Bill Purray. Tom says that Blob Dylan is real, but the caller believes that Purray is also real, citing his work as the voice of Garfield. Tom doesn’t approve of Bill Murray doing the films using a pseudonym. He thinks that if you grab the check, you should put your real name on it. Tom gives a thumbs down to Bill Murray and to Get Off My Bone. Tom even changes his mind to side with Max who got trash-talked by Murray on the basketball court for speaking ill of La Bamba. Tom doesn’t think the film was good either.
- Tom discusses (starts at 1:30) the best hold music he’s ever heard in his life -- a telephonic symphony built around the familiar PC Richard & Son jingle. Tom launches a quest to play the music over the air, but has some trouble finding a store locator on the company's website. PC Richard is no Panera Bread when it comes to online store finders! While they boast 97 years of honesty, integrity, and reliability, they choose to bury their phone numbers. Tom eventually gets a store and requests to be put on hold. He’s digging the saxophone and rocking guitar, but they aren’t bringing it enough. Tom wants a better connection. He wants the loud, crankin’ tunes of the Wachtung branch. Tom calls that store and gets Sharon, who gladly puts him on hold since she appeared to be waiting for his call. And then it begins. Classy piano leads into some "Ode to Joy". Just as it's heating up, Sharon comes back on the line. She loves working at PC Richard & Son and says the son, A.J. Richard,
is still alive passed away two years ago. Tom wants to go back on hold and the musical tour through the 20th century resumes -- Gershwin, roaring overtures, Dick Dale surf. Bottom line: the best in the biz.
Another guy interrupts the show. Tom tells him that he was on the radio and showing WFMU listeners how they hit a hold music home run. He's perplexed, but puts Tom on hold per his request. Tom doesn't want to be assisted; he just wants to rock out. After Tom hangs up, he performs his own song based on the main melody:
My faaaavorite store … to shoplift from … is PC Richard
Slide a microwave into a box … claim I’m bringing something back … box with a false bottom
Put it over the microwave … make a deal with the guys in the back … load out a plasma screen
Wah Wah Wa Wa Waaaaah
Tom is just kidding about the robbery he describes in the song. He’s an upstanding man, and this is a moral program. His new Greasy Kid Stuff will serve as his outlet for filth.
You're all clear, The Kid: Tom gets hooked on George Lucas's first foray into Star Wars merch
- Tom reflects (starts at 1:41) on the last couple of days he spent in glorious Atlantic City for a Consolidated Cardboard convention. Tom says that if you’ve never been to AC, you gotta go. He can't imagine any tri-stater resisting its magnetic pull. Tom predicts that there will be an explosion in AC at some point, but it will not be a terrorist attack. It will be the result of one the people with an oxygen tank merging with one of the people smoking. Tom said these dangerous duos were rampant. Tom enjoyed gazing at the many attractive, fit people, especially at the boofay. Tom says that approaching the boofay was like being transported via spaceship to Planet Old, walking amongst the Oldies but not Goodies. The ObnGs were picking through the food ("Just eat it!") with the tongs, and Tom saw some lady panning for magical gold in the fried chicken bin for five minutes. Mike mentions the giant fake shrimp molded into the shape of real shrimp. Tom didn’t spot those, but he did get a tour of world cuisines by way of a casino. The highlights included an Asian section filled with food that nobody in that part of the world actually eats (e.g., beef and broccoli) and a taste of Italy consisting of spaghetti w/ meatballs and weird, heat-lamped pizza.
Tom’s no gambler, but when it comes to the slot machines, he gets sucked in. Tom points out that every character on Earth is licensed for use on a slot machine -- The Addams Family, The Munsters, Zachary Brimstead, Saturday Night Live, the X for Dummies people, Mother 13, A Fistful of Dollars, Dick Clark New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, and many others. Tom wonders if it’s fun to play a Dick Clark slot machine. Tom certainly had fun playing the best machine in the casino: Star Wars. Tom admits that he got hooked big-time. In fact, Tom would still be there if not for his radio hosting duties. Otherwise, he’d either be rich or trying to get Ted Leo and Mike to wire him additional funds. He’d be riding it all the live-long day -- make it or break it.
The machine had an actual Death Star that spun around a la Wheel of Fortune, state-of-the-art video, and all the requisite, addictive sound clips. Someone in the chat mentions that it’s about time that Lucas capitalize on the popular films by getting some merch out for the loyal fans. Tom wishes he was in front of the Star Wars slot machine right now. In addition to developing a gambling habit, Tom is now a smoker. After spending 45 minutes in a casino, he thinks a lung exam would suggest that he smokes three packs/day. Tom predicts that if smoking is eventually declared illegal on Earth, the casinos will still be exempt from the ban.
- A caller is sold (starts at 1:49) on the Star Wars machine. He was previously a devotee of the double-dipping Wheel of Fortune, but this sounds even better. In additon to the slots, the caller’s favorite thing about AC is The Irish Pub, which is open 24 hours, so: Guinness for breakfast. Tom doesn’t know the place, but he’s pretty sure it’s on the corner of Scary and Terrifying. The caller thinks it’s a fun place, but he can't elaborate because The Fuzz is behind him. Tom wonders if he’s filming a scene from Mother, Jugs & Speed or an episode of B.J. and the Bear with Claude Akins on his tail.
On the next ... Deadwood: A prevert from Las Vegas invades camp and molests Sofia; Sheriff Bullock slits the c**ksucker's throat and Jane micturates down it
- Tom discusses (starts at 1:51) the new album by The
Little Killers, who hail from Las Vegas, the Atlantic City of the west. On their triple-platinum debut, they had their new wave cool guy sound figured out and applied enough makeup to pass as Gary Numan’s kids. When it came time to put out the follow-up album, Sam’s Town, frontman and keyboardist Brandon Flowers discovered Bruce Springsteen and ditched their successful sound. Flowers also grew a bad mustache to boldly change his look to a sexual predator destined for the Dateline house. Dear Mr. Flowers, I think Mike Patton beat you to that one, son. Tom read from an article courtesy of news empire VH1 to get some insight into the mind of the mercurial singer:
The Killers' Brandon Flowers has had a pretty life-altering 23 months. He saw his band's debut album, Hot Fuss, go triple platinum, he toured the world, got married and got in a fair share of verbal sparring with his contemporaries.
And somewhere in the midst of all that, he found time to turn 12 years old all over again.
"I prefer to call it my rebirth," Flowers said. "I had something happen that I didn't ever think could happen. I fell in love with the Smiths and the Pet Shop Boys when I was 12 years old, and I never thought that could happen again.”
Omar note: I think he forgot to mention Haircut 100 as an influence. For shame!
"And that was kind of sad, but then I had another one of those 12-year-old experiences when I was 23, but this time with Bruce Springsteen. And it was just — it was elation," he continued. "I couldn't believe how happy his music made me and how good it was. He's a gift, and I didn't know. I mean, I knew 'Born in the USA' and 'Glory Days,' but I didn't know that he covered so much ground, and there was something in his music that touched what I was going through, the process of falling back in love with my America."
Tom: "What are you, Ed Anger?"
"Springsteen touches on the American dream, and that's everybody's dream. And it's such a great idea — whether or not it's still happening today. Most of the songs are about getting to that place, of making it to the promised land. I don't think it's about getting rich; it's the idea of working hard and having your castle in the sky," Flowers said.
Tom can’t believe he actually used the term “the promised land.” Tom says that only a guy who just got rich talks about how it’s not about getting rich.
"We just have to make the best album that we can. And we're doing it. This album is one of the best albums in the past 20 years. There's nothing that touches this album. And that sounds like I'm being cocky, but I'm just so excited. I hope that helps people. I hope people hear this album and realize that you don't need to worry about the second album."
Tom has gotsta hear this album because he likes good rock music. Tom gets scared by the presence of an “Enterlude”, as well as song titles like "Bling (Confession of a King)", “This River Is Wild”, and “Uncle Jonny”, which suggests that Flowers is branching out into character pieces.
Tom spins it and unfurls his Unfair Record Review:
1. "Sam’s Town" sounds like The Killers covering Bruce Springsteen.
2. "Enterlude" sounds a bit like Tony Randall.
3. The hit first single, “When You Were Young”, sounds like Springsteen with bad keyboard sounds thrown in the mix.
4. "Bling (Confession of a King)" -- “Yuck, what is that?”; sounds like Sparks, not Bruce. Tom begs to differ with the line “It’s not so bad” and gets sick of the Springsteeny lyrics.
5. "For Reasons Unknown" -- Tom can’t even manage to make fun of it because it’s too depressing, although he agrees that this is one of the best albums of the last 20 years.
6. "Read My Mind" -- Opening keyboard synths suggest guest spot by the guy from Alphaville; Tom feels like he’s at the mall listening to some guy demo an organ.
7. "Uncle Jonny" -- Sounds like those bad, slow Bruce Springsteen songs that populate half of Darkness on the Edge of Town. Turns out Uncle Jonny did rails!
8. "Bones" (likely second single) -- late 1980s Queen
9. "My List" -- Tom perks up a bit at first, but is not pleased with $119, entry-level Casio keyboard sounds. He recommends using some of that money on a newer model. Tom does multiple takes on a particularly jarring section of bad 1980s production sound.
10. "This River Is Wild" - Tom thinks that Flowers should have absorbed more Bruce Springsteen and ejects the CD because the keyboard sound was killing him.
Overall, Flowers gets Tom by using “son” in the lyrics, but gets dinged for overuse of “road” and “nowhere”. Tom also wonders if “the man in red” is Elton John. Tom compares the album to Elvis Costello’s Goodbye Cruel World where he went nuts with his fancy new keys. Tom reverses his position: Sam’s Town is not one of the best albums of the past two decades. Tom's final assessement is that it just sounds like an album by The Killers. He thought he could mock Flowers for a Bruce impression and realizes that he wasted $9.99 that he could have slid into the sparkly Death Star. Tom will still hold onto it because he thinks it might be a grower.
- August calls (starts at 2:09) and thinks The Killers are just OK. Tom met August last Friday night at the big Yo La Tengo rock concert, but he was half asleep. August says he sort of had fun but got groggy because the show extended into midnight, which is past his standard bedtime. Tom claims that he approached August, who told him to get away. August denies it, and Tom admits that he was kidding. Tom says that August really asked him to leave him alone. August doesn't recall that either, and Tom admits that he was lying again. Tom thinks August needed a nice sodey to keep him awake. August said he couldn’t find any, and Tom said he would have secured one for him. August wasn’t thinking much about food or drink. He was just tired. August wasn’t sure if it was just him because of his earplugs, but he was getting weird vibrations during the show. He was not sure of the origin of these sensations, and Tom tells him it was the power of rock 'n roll. He says that Yo La Tengo are not gonna half-step it -- they’re gonna rock out and blast you with the sound.
August then damns the band with faint praise by calling their set “interesting”. Tom compares it to saying that it looked like they were having a lot of fun up there. Tom thought the band was on fye-ah. August didn’t have a favorite moment, but gives it an overall grade of 9.5/10. Tom is surprised by the rating since it sounds like August hated it. August downgrades it to 8.5, and Tom says he doesn’t have to give it an artificially high rating. August says that while he did fall asleep (for < 1 minute), his drowsiness did not affect the band's performance. August has now seen two rock shows, both by Yo La Tengo. Tom wants to know if he’s seen any live music at school assemblies. August says he’s only seen productions of plays there, though he only saw half of one because he had to go somewhere. Tom gets August to admit that he's simply not much of a fan of entertainment product of any kind. August prefers to find ways to amuse himself, such as staring at clouds. He favorite cloud was one that looked like a bit like a skeleton with wings before it collided with another cloud. He also, of course, likes playing Go.
Tom wants to know if he ever pretends that he’s flying all over the place like a superhero, but August says he lacks an imagination (a dubious claim considering the filmmaking he discussed a couple of weeks ago). Tom asks him about any creative writing endeavours, but August hasn't anything other than school assignments. Tom challenges him to write a short story about the radio show. The premise is the adventures of August and Tom, who fly around space in a car with wings. August will give it a try. I think they should meet up with a shroom-trippin’ Michael Collins at some point. Tom also met his brother at the rock show. He was able to find some sugar, so he was jumping and dancing around. Tom saw August give him a thump to the back of the head, but August has no recollection of the event. However, August says it wouldn't be the first time he’s forgotten something he did. Tom thinks it sounds like he's crafting a defense by establishing precedence. August's silence is followed by a yawn. Tom tells him to drift off to sleep.
- A caller (starts at 2:20) doesn’t believe that he’s actually on the air. He was, but it was a very short stay. Tom yawns and thinks the show is headed for an L.
- Ian proposes (starts at 2:21) a Smash or Trash with Sam’s Town. Tom says he will if the caller can get a band member on the phone. He doesn’t think he could pull that off, but he wishes he could. If he got them on the phone, he would tell them that their new album is lame and they took a wrong turn. Tom thinks that is rude. The caller says it would not be mean because he would just offer them constructive criticism about their new direction. Tom thinks it’s weird that they had the marketplace cornered and then got obsessed with Bruce Springsteen at the last minute. Tom decides to give them some credit for not playing it safe. While the album stinks, they get points for trying something different. Tom’s proud that he bought the album. Tom thinks Ian sounds wasted, but he says that he’s just tired. August goes to his school in the morning for “smart Math”, and Tom wonders if something has infiltrated the water system or if someone is putting Ritalin in the hamburgers in the cafeteria. Perhaps the school is lined with Oz-like (the imaginary land housing a wizard, not the correctional facility) poppy fields? Tom thought all the kids were wired on soda all day. Ian blames the fatigue on having to wake up at 6:30 a.m. every day, but Tom is not that sympathetic because life is annoying.
Mike declares that The Kids Aren’t Alright. Tom thinks an entire generation is ready to pass out from taking too many goofballs. The kids are acting as though a simple conversation with Tom is some kind of torture camp. Tom issues one of his standard caller rejuvenation tips: splash some cold water on your face before dialing.
- A caller votes (starts at 2:24) for a W for the show, citing the PC Richard bit. He didn’t expect Tom to actually call the store to be put on hold and found it very funny. He wants to know if it really costs Tom 35 cents per call. It does -- Tom pays for the right to GOMP. The caller enjoys the crystal clear sound on the phone line and wonders if Tom pays from his pocket. Tom actually gives WFMU access to his Paypal account and they complete the transfer to Verizon. Tom thinks the callers should take a page from Louis CK-lookalike Jim Cramer of CNBC’s Mad Money. The caller has not heard of him and also sounds like he’s on the verge of sleep. He mumbles something about Physics homework and then starts snoring. Tom bids the little angel goodnight as he drifts away on a little, sleepy could.
Tom doesn't understand why it's sleepytime. He worked two days straight for Consolidated in AC and came straight to the station, only stopping off at the Worst Buy* (probably shoulda gone to FOT Records!) to pick up The Killers CD. It came with a bonus, 2-song EP, but Tom thinks the true bonus would have been deleting "Why Do I Keep Counting" and "My List" from the LP proper. Tom does like the new The Roots album, Game Theory, but he can't play it on the air because of toilet mouth. If MC Thought & Co. could mind their Ps and Qs, Tom would be playing it all the live-long day.
*Tom has a new gig writing for Mad TV magazine. Congrats!
The Roots - "Game Theory"
- Dennis Lindsey calls (starts at 2:37) to confirm that Tom is still on for Halloween. Dennis is also concerned about the neighborhood rumblings indicating that Tom’s 2005 offerings were no so hot. He wants to know what Tom has planned for this year, but Tom’s not sure yet. Dennis heard Tom gave out Sno Balls last year. Tom honestly doesn’t remember, and Dennis doesn’t think it’s really worth the trip around the block for just Sno Balls. Tom will try to remove them from the equation.
Dennis says his ideal treat would be a couple of slices of hot pizza. Tom thinks that whatever he selects will be much closer to Sno Balls than to hot pizza. Dennis says there is still time for him to use his excellent negotiating skills to change Tom's mind. He works from home now, but he used to work for a mortgage lending company. His supervisor was depressed man-child Paul Crenshaw, who used to call the show to whine and complain about the treatment by his co-workers. Due to his size, they called him the “Manilla Gorilla” or “The Dimwitted Giant”. Tom doesn’t think the name-calling is cool. Dennis justifies the ribbing by saying that you should get off the porch is you hang with the big dogs. Tom thinks he should put that slogan on a bumper sticker.
Dennis pushes his agreement, but Tom still doesn’t have a fax number for him. Dennis thinks his three kids deserve something like hot pockets fresh out of the oven. Tom says he will not give out any kind of food -- just candy. Tom says his kids can get hot food at their house. Dennis wants Tom to be on a conference call on Friday to discuss the issue and thinks they are on the right track. Tom believes they are actually at opposite ends of the Halloween spectrum, but he placates Dennis by saying that he will cut his grass to turn his yard into a little paradise.
Ululation Nation (formerly Cramerica): Jim Cramer yells at infuriating stocks and his fans reward him with cries of "BOO YIYIYIYIYIYI"
- Tom plays (starts at 2:28) an exhilarating Jim Cramer Lightning Round YouTube clip to show the kids the kind of energy they should bring to the show. The clip pretty much speaks (in tongues) for itself, but it does raise an important question. Better chair thrower: Cramer or Bobby Knight?
- Petey is excited to be on the air (starts at 2:33), but he can’t match the ebullience of a Cramer crazy like Aaron from Long Island. Petey says that he used to act more like that, but he was too insane. Tom desires a more mature strain of Petey’s goofballism. Petey thinks that Cramer’s callers are only in it for the money, while he’s doing it for Tom. Petey has a question about the music of Elton Johm because his friend is trying to get him into him and everyone in his high school thinks he's goob. He’s heard a couple of songs, such as “I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues”, and he's not sure where to start in his catalog. Tom tells him to just like what he likes, but Petey fears that he’s too close-minded when it comes to music. Tom mocks the Petey voice, but Petey says at least he has more energy that some callers. Tom doesn’t think not literally falling asleep is enough, so he replays the Cramer clip. Tom wonders why he doesn’t get that kind of reaction, so Petey gives him one. Tom GOMPs him for pandering, but realizes it was actually pretty goob. Petey got him again. Tom let the existentially stupid Bill Purray joke marinate for a week and finally realized its brilliance this past Sunday.
- An excited Conner brings (starts at 2:42) some Cramerisms, but is GOMPed because he already called.
- The Associate Editor of Games magazine has (starts at 2:43) a puzzle for Tom. The other night, he had a nice sleep and woke up to a phone call. The guy on the other line was pissed because he believed the caller was responsible for the death of a couple hundred people. The caller says it's Tom's job to guess what he did. GOMPed.
- Patrick from Titus Andronicus calls (starts at 2:44) to follow up on some Myspace messages he exchanged with Tom or one of his underlings about being on a Smash or Trash segment. Tom says that he dropped the
shuttlecock ball and wonders if TA is serious about being a pro outfit or content with being Weekend Warrior hobby rockers. Tom pulls the CD, and Patrick is fairly sure positive that there is no toilet mouth in the first track, "Titus Andronicus". Tom spins their theme song and while it starts off a bit The Killers-ish, he warms to the TA sound. Tom plugs their gig at Sin-é this coming Sunday and wants to know if Patrick has anything to say about that. He hopes that everyone will either want to come or at least not think ill of him for the invite. Tom asks him if he attends the same school as August and Ian because it sounds like he's falling asleep as he's trying to promote his band. Patrick says he prefers a laissez-faire approach instead of Cramer's antics. Tom offers Patrick a final opportunity to say something to him. He says he was surprised that August found the Yo La Tengo concert so boring. Tom thinks that maybe he should say thanks for getting a plug. Patrick agrees and considers it an honor to be on the station that gave us the great Daniel Johnston broadcast. Tom can't explain the snoozeatorium atmoshphere because he heard nothing about a cold water shortage on the news.
- Cpt. Jack calls (starts at 2:50) to tell Tom that he's on fire tonight. Tom wishes that Jack was ablaze. Jack says that there is a "buried treasure" in Seafaring Willis's theme song entry, "Tom's the Bomb #3". If any listeners find it, they win a Dutch treat lunch with SW. Tom speculates that the winner will end up eating out of a Dumpster. Jack likes the quip, declaring Tom the hostess with the mostest. He has to go because an orderly is after him for making a call post 10:00 p.m. Tom GOMPs him.
- Mike S. from JC/Bayonne, the Don Kirshner-like impresario of Troubleman Unlimited, calls (starts at 2:51) to endorse Titus Andronicus. The bass player for the band is currently a pain intern at the label. He's not sure if he will sign them, but says he's heard that the Insound people are into them. Mike is not that into indie rock, preferring jazz and classical. Tom thinks tonight's show is kinda like jazz -- unlistenable and only two people are interested in it.
- Tristan calls (starts at 2:53) to suggest playing the County Mounty outro at the end of the show as a way to push a borderline "L" into a W". He thinks it's the sonic boost needed to bring a tip-toeing Wile E. Coyote back from the precipice.
- A caller wants (starts at 2:54) Tom's take on Bonnaroo. Tom's not sure, but it seems like a big hippy fest. The caller has seen some Bonaroo DVDs, which make Monterey Pop seem like the best movie ever. The callers says the lineup features the likes of Ben Harper, James Brown, Sonic Youth, and then it's goes downhill from there. Another band is Gov't Mule, the worst thing Tom's ever heard. Tom was repulsed by their mix of jam, blues, and bad hard rock. Tom gives the caller one guess of which DVD he will never watch. The caller says the Bonnaroo DVD, but he's wrong. The correct answer: the Reese Witherspoon vehicle Just Like Heaven. The film also features Jon Heder, who is continually cloaked by 900 comedians in films like School For Scoundrels.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:: Bryce reveals Scooch's theory on the Kennedy assassination (hint: Lyndon Johnson and J. Edgar Hoover on X), Dennis Lindsey proposes a 16-course tasting menu for Tom's Halloween offerings, and Werner offers free rails to any callers that need a jolt.
Fire one up and have a psych freakout in Nixon's honor:
Finally, Paul F. Tompkins, Tom's sartorial superhero muse, is doing his part to keep the podcast going: