Recidivism.

When you need to send that special message with style, elegance and vulgarity...

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"You're a good person, Spike." -- Tom, after seeing his compassionate side

"I liked him better when he was a wrestler." -- Tom on right-wing talker Michael Savage

"It like describes like I 'unno like the space and time like dependence of like quantum mechanical systems of stuff." -- Pudge, putting a new twist on an old physics classic

"I'm not three, you don't have to say 'bye-bye.' I'm not your baby." -- Tom, demanding more mature farewells

"Eww. I thought I smelled something." -- Tom on the odor still lingering in the JC theater district from Grateful Dead shows in the 1970s

"Ted Leo better get a marionette soon." -- Tom, hooked on puppeteering

"Crack open that wallet, Dad. Chuck E. Cheese don't cost that much." -- Tom, advising against Evan's rest stop frugality

"Sonic reducer ain't no loser. At least for you, if you want to buy the stock." -- Jim Cramer, mixing punk rock and investment tips

"NBC's gonna ankle that laffer, mark my words." -- A caller predicting the premature demise of 30 Rock

"I hate when people lie. Uhh, it burns me." -- The Predator, on the dirty pool of Dateline: NBC and the city of Newbridge

"Kinda like a little hunch, but also leather pants." -- The Predator on his rock star swagger

"Hey, I think I hear this whirring sound underneath your robe. You better watch yourself." -- The Predator, warning a new judge not to repeat the offenses of his predecessor

"If you have the cajones to say that I was me, it's gonna start, okay?" -- The Predator, vowing to fight Tom if he doesn't take a fall for him

"That's like Lou Dobbs making Flamin' Groovies references." -- Paycheck, coming up with an equally weird comparison for Jim Cramer's punk talk

"Guy loves his horses ... and his mysteries." -- Tom on equine-crazed mystery writer, Dick Francis

"The guy's face looks like a mountain range. I thought I was lookin' at the Appalachian mountains." -- Tom on Entertainment Weekly cover boy, Clint Eastwood

"The way that ponytail comes through the back of that hat, man, it drives me crazy every time I see it." -- Dennis Lindsey on his smokin' wife

"Slowhand? I wish he had no hands." -- Tom, not a Clapton fan

"Did the apocalypse happen?" -- Tom, wondering why everyone seems to carrying and concealing handguns

"Chicago: We're Not As Fat As Houston Is." -- Text of new billboard celebrating the Windy City's heart-healthy ways

[TBSOWFMU - 10/24/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Bikini Kill - "Tony Randall"

( Click here to buy Reject All American)

Brainiac - "I Am A Cracked Machine"

( Click here to buy Hissing Prigs in Static Couture)

Hoodoo Gurus - "Tojo"

( Click here to buy the remastered Stoneage Romeos)

The Minders - "Go Wave A Wand"

( Click here to buy The Future's Always Perfect)

Sean Na Na - "Grew Into My Body"

( Click here to buy My Majesty)

+/- - "One Day You'll Be There"

( Click here to buy Let's Build A Fire)

Annotated highlights of show that was fast to the draw and engaged the hostiles:

Phone Line Update: Tom abandoned Verizon for VOIP juggernaut Vonage, negotiating a deal that drops the cost of each call to a mere 7 cents. Calls will now be channeled through the Internet and deposited into a Usenet newsgroup. Someone in the newsgroup will take the call, convert it to a .wav file, and host it. Mike the Associate Producer will comb through the newsgroups for calls, download them, drag them into Cool Edit, and transform them into show-ready .mp3s. Tom will tap into them via an RSS feed and POT them up.

Savage Nation: Before chewing up liberals, the talk show host took bites out of Slim Jims

- Spike calls (starts at 26:24) to decline an e-mail invitation for the November 4th FOT gathering. He will be out of town visiting some close friends who just suffered a sudden loss. Tom offers his condolences and says that Spike is a good person. Spike agrees and thinks that he's often misunderstood. Tom wants to know what people don't understand about him. After getting a glimpse of his compassionate side, Tom wants to further explore this multifaceted enigma. Spike says that he has a funny side that he doesn't show very often. Tom wants him to be serious and actually reveal some of his other sides. Spike says that Tom is already privy to one of his sides, so he won't go there tonight. Tom, of course, knows this as the boring side. Spike argues unconvincingly that this is his fun side. Tom wants to know if the fun extends beyond doo-wop records and Chucky movies. Spike also likes to exercise with long walks from King's Plaza to Jamaica until the staff at the Baltic Street Treatment Center catches him.

Spike likes ice cream, especially Tofutti Cuties. Tom is a bit creeped out to have something in common with Spike. Tom tries for a simultaneous reveal of their favorite flavor on a 3-count, but Spike prematurely fires with vanilla at the count of 1. He wanted to beat Tom to it -- the competitive side of Spike! He also likes mint. Spike's favorite magazines that are not age-restricted and sold behind a counter are Jet, Ebony, and various soap opera magazines. He occasionally reads Consumer Reports for advice on DVD recorders, VCRs, stereos, and the best orange crates for his basement apartment. Tom points out that CR only accepts advertising from Technics. Spike also reads computer magazines since he bought a fully-loaded PC from the back of a truck. He just finished using it to burn four Bobby Rydell CDs. Tom wants to know if Spike has a problem punishing Rydell by depriving him of royalties. Spike says that Rydell and others of his ilk don't get much of a payout anyway. Tom wonders if that really makes it acceptable to heap more abuse on these poor artists. Spike does not respond.

Spike also likes to make CDs of Mr. Colmes. He's not a fan of his music, but he knows people who are. Tom didn't even know that Alan Colmes played music. Spike says it's not Colmes -- it's the guy who has the fashion line with his name on it. Tom is surprised that he's a Sean Hannity fan because he pegged Spike as more of a Mike Savage guy. Spike has never listened to Mike Savage. Tom liked him better when he was a wrestler, although he sold out by doing the Slim Jim commercials prior to launching his conservative radio show. Spike remembers that he had a woman named Elizabeth. Spike says that he doesn't watch talk shows on television, let alone radio shows. Tom says that he, too, doesn't watch any talk shows on the radio. If Spike is home on a weekday, he will watch Lynn Samuels and Mike Feder on Sirius.

Spike's favorite Sirius channels are the jazz channel (72) for its selection of quality people like Duke Ellington, Billie Holiday (Tom: "He's good"), Lena Horne (Tom: "I like him also."), Count Basie, and Benny Goodman. Tom prefers Don Cherry and Rahsaan Roland Kirk. Spike is not familiar with Kirk, so Tom's gives him a quick sample of his craaaaaazy stylings. Spike also like opera channel (85). Tom congratulates Spike for pulling the anti-trifecta of music: doo-wop, jazz, and opera. Spike tells Tom not to forget Latin music -- the good stuff like Tito Puente, not Little Ricky. Tom thinks Spike is referring to the character from I Love Lucy, but he's actually dipping back into 1998 for a reference to Ricky Martin. This makes Tom think back to that terrible time when Bill Clinton was still in office. Spike thinks it was actually a good year for politics since we were not embroiled in any military conflicts. Tom laments that his boy Gingrich was at his lowest point, but Spike expresses pleasure at Newt's fall. Tom tells Spike that Gingrich will be President in 2008. Spike is not pleased: "God help us all." He doesn't like the ring of President Gingrich. He also doesn't like the ring of that "godawful Napoleon type" becoming President.

Tom: That guy's running for president?
Spike: Yeah, you know, the one who used to be Mayor of New York.
Tom: Napoleon Dynamite?
Spike: The one who used to be Mayor of New York.
Tom: The one who used to be Mayor of New York.
Spike: Yes.
Tom: Oh, Ed Koch.
Spike: No.
Tom: LaGuardia.
Spike: No, LaGuardia's dead.
Tom: Dinkins?
Spike: No. I wish, but no.
Tom: Bloomberg?
Spike: Go back one.
Tom: Go back one. Boss Tweed?
Spike: No, that's going far back as I would've liked.
Tom: Earlier than Boss Tweed? How old is this guy?
Spike: No, earlier than Bloomberg, later than Dinkins.
Tom: Earlier than Bloomberg, later ... I don't know who that is.

Mike gives Tom a sign that says "Enough of Spike", so that's enough of Spike.

I 'unno, kinda exciting, I guess: The Mets' Endy Chavez leaps over the wall to rob Scott Rolen of a home run.

- Pudge thinks (starts at 37:13) Spike call was kinda boring and stuff. Tom wants to know how he's doing, and he's not sure. He guesses he's just hanging out. Tom thinks it would be so much easier if he just said, "I'm doing fine." Pudge says it's more complicated than that because sometimes he's doing fine and sometimes he's just okay. Pudge wants to know if Tom watched Game 7 of the NLCS between the Mets and the Cardinals the other night. Tom saw it. Pudge mentions the play early in the game where that one guy got that ball that seemed like it was gonna be a home run. Tom asks Pudge if he liked it. Pudge isn't sure, but guesses that it was kinda cool. Tom is baffled that Pudge cannot say whether he likes one of the most exciting baseball plays he's ever seen. Pudge does admit that it was kinda cool that he thought it was gonna do something else, and then it kinda did something else. Overall, Pudge guesses it was an okay play. Tom is getting frustrated by his trademark indecisiveness. Tom wants to know if he's a Mets fan. Pudge is in Jersey, so he doesn't really have a team. He thinks the Mets are okay, and if New Jersey or Newbridge had a team, he'd probably be into them. Pudge says he has to get rolling to finish up a "stupid" article he's doing Physics Today.

The story is about putting a new twist on the Schrödinger Equation, the landmark contribution to the field of quantum mechanics proposed by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger in 1925. Pudge says that the equation basically describes the space- and time-dependence of like quantum mechanical systems and stuff. Pudge says that if you think about it, it's like centrally important to the theory of quantum mechanics and kinda plays a role analogous to like Newton's second law of motion and like classical mechanics. Tom wonders if this is what Pudge is into, and Pudge says it's kinda what he's into. Pudge elaborates a bit on the second law, explaining that it's the rate of change in the momentum and stuff of a body, which is proportional to like the net force that's kinda acting on it and stuff. The direction of the change and like the momentum takes place in the direction of that net force and stuff.

Tom thinks this is heavy stuff, so Spike changes the subject to ask Tom if he saw My Chemical Romance on SNL. Tom saw it. Pudge thought it was maybe kinda cool maybe, and Tom tells him that it's okay to have an opinion on something. Pudge thought he liked some of it because it reminded him of the band Queen. Tom also detected that influence, but he's more interested in continuing the discussion of Pudge's knowledge of the physics field. Pudge thinks it's kinda stupid and wants to know why. Pudge says that certain aspects of the article are fun. For example, in the mathematical formulation of quantum mechanics and stuff, each system is kinda associated with a complex Hilbert space and stuff. Tom doesn't know what that is, so Pudge explains that it's a real or complex vector space

Tom concludes that Pudge is really smart. Pudge downplays his intelligence and says that if you just think about it, you'll realize that each instantaneous state of a system is described by like a unit vector in that space. Tom doesn't follow him and thinks he sounds kinda brilliant. Pudge says it's just stuff that he kinda likes doing. He also noticed that it seemed like it was the longest time it ever took to have Amy Poehler in a sketch on SNL. Tom didn't notice it, but says it's probably just the way the show broke when they were arranging and flipping the sketches. Pudge says it just seemed like it took awhile to get in her there. He's not sure if he's a fan, but she sometimes makes him laugh in films like Mean Girls. He didn't like "Big Wigs", a recent sketch in which Poehler and host Jaime Pressly played corporate executives sporting actual oversized wigs.

Tom says he's having trouble reconciling these two people he's meeting. Pudge is confused and thinks Tom is referring to him and Amy Poehler. Tom has met Poehler, but he's referring to the two disparate sides of Pudge. Tom wants to know how the guy who is so lacking confidence is also amazing with this other physics stuff. Pudge always thinks about physics stuff like the Hamiltonian, but he's never thought about how that fits in with his overall personality. Tom wants to know if he's renowned in the field. Pudge says that his professor thinks he could become kinda famous when the article comes out. Pudge thinks it's all kinda stupid, but Tom thinks it's fantastic. Pudge says that everyone kinda thinks about the Hamiltonian and stuff, but Tom doesn't know anyone who does. Pudge says that the Hamiltonian is the total energy of the system and stuff.

Pudge asks Tom if he will see the Borat film. Tom plans to see it, but wants to know why Pudge keeps hiding from this stuff. Pudge thinks it's stupid, but Tom thinks he should have more confidence if he's really that brilliant. Tom doesn't know why he can't make more direct decisions instead of constantly waffling. Pudge says that his behavior mimics the state space of certain quantum systems and stuff. Tom is shocked because he thought Pudge sounded like a complete idiot in his previous calls to the show. Pudge thinks he is an idiot sometimes because he can't always figure out what will happen on Lost. Tom doesn't watch the show, but not for any judgment. He just never got on board. Pudge seems surprised and says "Wait. Whaaaaaaaaat?" Tom asks him if he just said "Wait. What?" and Pudge isn't sure. Tom has to let him go because he's driving him nuts.

- Charlie in Seattle calls (starts at 48:02) wants to know what Tom thinks about the Dan Akaroyd and Chevy Chase vehicle Nothing But Trouble. Charlie saw it when he was a child and it scared the "beejeezus" (Tom counsels Charlie on his toilet talk) out of him, so he rewatched it this past weekend to see if his fright was due to his young age. It still terrified him to the bone, and he thinks it's the scariest funny move he's ever seen. Tom thinks it's one of those classic cable movies that plays in endless rotation. The film earned a Razzie (It lost worst picture to Hudson Hawk, but Akaroyd took the fruit as the Worst Supporting Actor), but Charlie liked seeing Akaroyd wearing all kinds of rubber masks and doing a lot of goofball voices. Tom thinks Charlie should write Dan Akaroyd a letter, and Charlie thinks he could probably use some support at this time. Charlie wonders if he needs to look up his agent or if he can just write Toronto c/o Akaroyd on the envelope.

Charlie asks Tom if he thinks Chevy Chase is gone from the scene forever and if he was ever funny. Tom says that Chase is not one of his favorites, but he had his moments. Charlie thinks he's dead in the water by now, but Tom predicts that a comeback is afoot. Charlie thinks that all of the old SNL guys are done for except for Bill Murray. He thinks Steve Martin is an embarrassment to his former self . Tom says that Steve Martin is probably his favorite cast member. Charlie agrees that he was great, but is disappointed that hasn't brought the funny since Bowfinger. Charlie wants more, but Tom suggests looking somewhere else for a new, younger horse to provide laughs. Tom says that people like Akaroyd are simply tired and worn out from doing so many movies, so Charlie can't expect to milk them for comedy for the rest of his life. Charlie's quest for new talent gets off to a dubious start when he suggests that Chris Kattan is a funny young guy to watch. He then signs off with Tom's least-favorite farewell: "Bye-bye."

- A caller chimes in (starts at 51:10) with his least favorite farewell "Mmmmbye." The caller works as a technical support supervisor phone agent, so he's discovered that this one is popular in the Midwest. He's calling from somewhere on the Parkway North, whichTom thinks it's the most beautiful highway on the planet. Mike agrees. Tom wants to know the caller's favorite Parkway rest stop, but he hates them all. Tom wonders if he's also hates Christmas. He thinks Christmas is alright. Tom GOMPs him for being negative and condemning rest stops. Tom enjoys the comfort they provide. You want a nice, cold soda, you stop at the rest stop. Need some gas, you stop at the rest stop." Mike generally avoids them as well, but he does like the one just outside of Newbridge.

- Weirder Jon from Maplewood calls (starts at 53:35) to say that his favorite rest stop is Cheesequake, near where the Turnpike and the Parkway intersect. Tom agrees it's a good one. WJ likes to play a video game and get a big soda to keep him awake for the rest of his drive en route to Atlantic City. Tom likes to drive down the highway for 1.5 hours, pull over at a rest stop, and play a driving video game for $3. WJ points out that the driving game allows Tom to do things he can't do on the real road, but Tom tells him to speak for himself. Tom does agree that he is unable to drive over giant boulders and has never seen the Eiffel Tower on the horizon.

WJ was actually calling to ask Tom if he remembered the show Make Me Laugh in the 70s. Tom has played the game on the air before and WJ thinks Tom is an iceberg when it comes to cracking on the funnies. It usually takes someone like former Aerosmith guitarist Jimmy Crespo to really get Tom rolling. Tom challenges WJ to a 30-second laugh-off. WJ opens with "Hey, I hear the company that created Mad Libs just filed for Chapter Banana." Tom's still listening, but WJ burns the bulk of his remaining 27 seconds. At the buzzer, he slips in "Acid is not a mind-expanding drug. Any drug that makes me sneak up on my car so I won't wake it up is not a mind-expanding drug." This prompts Tom to ask WJ if he is "Stephen Not Wright". Tom wins the battle with a 1-second zing.

- A caller says (starts at 56:24) his favorite rest stop is the one at the very top, almost into New York state. He likes it because it has a place to get coffee and sunglasses (I think that's the title of the next Jarmusch film). The caller is very intrigued by the fact that rest areas always offer sunglasses. If he's driving late at night, he likes to get his coffee and wait for the people to zip up the sunglass kiosks. He loves to unzip them and try to see what's going on under there. He's a busybody and can't resist looking where he's not supposed to look. If someone asked him to come over and look at the sunglass display, he'd first ask if they had any Raybans and then check them out. Tom asks him if he considers himself a sunglasses aficionado. It appears that he's more interested in the kiosk format than the merch itself. Tom hears some commotion in the background, and the caller blames it on Jersey City. Tom wants to know when JC became a war zone. The caller believes it started with the corrupt reign of Mayor Frank Hague in the 1930s.

The callers points out that Hague was in office when FDR's WPA project brought funds to JC to build Roosevelt Stadium, which is now a string of condos. The caller says that Pink Floyd and ELP played there. The caller says that Jersey City has a bizarre history of storied groups coming into town, and Tom thanks him for the segue.

- Tom reviews (starts at 59:00) the Beck show in JC at the Loews old-timey picture show place. The caller mentions that it's one of the oldest theaters and wants to know about the venue's acoustics. Tom says the sound was phenomenal. The caller says the Grateful Dead loved to play the Stanley Theater right across the street from the Loews. Tom says that this explains the unpleasant odor that remains in the area. The Three Stooges also played there and given that information, Tom gives the caller one guess to name his worst theater on Earth. The caller guesses The Beacon, but it's the Stanley Theater. The caller wants to know why, so Tom tells him that it's because the Three Stooges and the Grateful Dead played there.

Tom prompts the caller to ask him how the Beck show was. Tom thought it was one of the best things he's ever seen. Beck's stage show that included marionettes created an atmosphere that Tom describes as "Sesame Street on Ice for grown-ups." The caller can't believe he missed it and hopes it comes back around, but Tom tells him that it's not comin' back. He missed it. It's ova. The caller asks about other good upcoming shows at the Loews, but Tom wants to continue talking about the Beck show. The caller is bringing him down with his Three Stooges trivia. Mike says the Stanley is now a Jehovah's Witness headquarters, and Tom would rather see one of their congregational sessions than the Grateful Dead. Mike saw Willard at the Stanley, and while it as not intended as a live show, the theater was overrun with rats.

Clap Your Hands Say Time For Dinner and Marionettes

The Beck show started off with a giant video screen and on come the marionettes who look just like Beck and the band to the finest detail. The marionettes then start playing the rock show with a prerecorded "Loser". The real band comes out and starts playing as the marionettes are projected onto the giant screen. Tom says that one might have thought that the marionettes were just a cute way to open the show, but no! They are in it for the duration and begin matching the band move for move. Somebody picks up a tambourine, marionette's shaking a tambourine. Tom says it was like being in a live version of a Spike Jonze movie.

A video screen then appeared behind the marionettes and that, too, was projected on the big screen. Tom doesn't even want to mention the dude who was dancing on the stage, although he does confirm that it was not Beatle Bob. Tom reiterates that the show was one of the best things he's ever seen. Beck starts doing some of his quiet acoustic stuff and the band leaves the stage. A fully-set table including water glasses is brought to the stage. While Beck's playing, the band starts eating dinner onstage, and then the marionettes have their own miniature dinner while the marionette Beck is playing. As the camera kept cutting people the marionettes and the people eating, Tom got worked up into a lather. The band started playing percussion using utensils and the water glasses. Tom began to sweat from the excitement. Everyone left the stage and Tom thought it was over. But then they come back out after a short video of the marionettes walking all through JC. The band is now in bear costumes and motorcycle outfits, and they start jumping all over the building. Tom had never seen anything like it, so he began to hyperventilate.

Tom preferred this experience to the recent The Flaming Lips show, which was like gorging on yummy candy for the first five songs, and then your head starts hurting because you realize that you've been eating hippie candy in the form of songs dipped in molasses. Tom isn't a giant Beck fan, but he loved the show. The marionettes cracked it wide open. From now on, if Tom goes to a show and does not see marionettes, he's bolting. Bottom line: Ted Leo needs to get a marionette soon. If not that, at least a hand puppet of him and bandmate Big Steve.

- Bob from Warwick, N.Y. calls (starts at 1:06) to offer some additional insight into The Flaming Lips. He's the metronome who made his debut last week, bragging about a worldwide network of friends and Scoopmobile duties one second, then begging for sympathy about his underemployment the next. He says that the band recorded their album where he's from in Western NY and confirms that they are very strange people. Tom wants to know if he's really going to come on the air to throw the Lips under the bus to try to settle a score. Tom wants to know if the one guy made out with Bob's ladyfriend. Bob says that he thinks Beck and The Flaming Lips are both great. Bob says that Tom's dreaded sign-off infiltrated the name of a store in Paramus called Buy Buy Baby. While one might think this boutique offered the accessories and equipment needed to sever a sour relationship, it just sells standard baby gear. Tom wants to know what would be in a store for breaking up, but Bob offers no insight.

Bob is glad that Beck still has it and that Tom had a good time at the show. However, Tom didn't have a good time at the show. He had a great time. Beck made Bob want to play his Moog synthesizer again. There is some debate about the correct pronunciation of the word -- Bob says "Mogue" instead of "Moog". Bob is correct, but Tom wants him to just say "moog". Either way, Bob thinks they are cool things and he bought one 15 years ago at a garage sale. Tom wants a taste right now, but Bob says it's not plugged in. Tom thinks it would be fun, but Bob doesn't think he could bend down, pick up the cord, and stick it in the outlet. Tom understands that grueling process because he's also a musician. Bob changes the topic to the autumn enthusiasts who have been flocking to Orange County, N.Y. They are driving him crazy with their leaf-peeping and apple-picking ways. At this point, Mike -- an increasingly harsh taskmaster -- tells Tom to dump him.

- Evan from Montclair calls (starts at 1:09) to thank Tom for the Yo La Tengo tickets he won a few weeks ago. He loved the Loews Theater, and Tom's Beck talk made him very jealous that he didn't see that show. Tom and Evan agree that they would both see anything at the Loews. Evan last saw Beck at some hellhole on 13th Street opening for Evel Knievel. Tom likes Evel Knievel, but he's not a fan of Robbie Knievel's reliance on high-tech gadgetry and computer analysis of his jump. Robbie reminds Evan of Hank Williams, Jr., living off his dad's fame. Chris L declared Robbie the "Melissa Rivers of stunts" in the FOT chat. Tom points out that his father would show up with just a Harley with some added shocks, lick his finger or toss grass clipping in the air to gauge the wind direction, and adjust the ramp position accordingly.

Evan also has a great rest stop in his neighborhood: the McDonald's in Bloomfield right by Montclair, south of exit 154 near Watchung. He likes that he can take his kids there using a back entrance that avoids having to get on the Parkway. This rest stop has a gymnasium, so he takes them there on rainy days so they can meet various travelers in the melting pot. As the kids play, Evan chit-chats with the parents. He admits it's usually pretty awkward, but it's cheaper than going somewhere that costs $20 for funtime. Tom thinks that Evan should open his wallet and spring for a trip to Chuck E. Cheese's. Evan wants to know whether 30 Rock or Studio 60 will be canceled first. Tom gives them both a year and prefers 30 Rock because Studio 60's smart talk makes his head hurt. Evan thinks that guests stars like Eli Wallach will continue to attract key younger demos. Evan tarnishes his call by saying "Bye-Bye." Tom says he's not his kids at a McDonald's rest stop partying with weary out-of-towners. Tom doubts that his kids are that excited about these jaunts where they can weigh themselves and get a horoscope for a quarter. He imagines their lack of enthusiasm as Evan lifts them up to buy a mini-cologne bottle for 75 cents. Tom thinks that if Evan can afford to live in Montclair, he can afford to go to Chuck E. Cheese's.

Tom wouldn't even allow Dogmo in the dirty rest stop ball pit, which is filled with balls that have turned from blue or yellow to a sickly gray. In fact, Dogmo would not even desire such a romp. Tom thinks the bottom of the pit is probably filled with bugs that have swarmed to feast on a dropped Whopper. Tom was confused because the Whopper is made by Burger King, while MacDonald's offers the Big Mac. Tom can never get those handburgers straight, soin the future he will try to connect the name MacDonald's to their Big Mac. Someone in the chat complicates matters by saying that the Whopper is actually a Wendy's concoction. All I know is that yesterday I had a French Dip Whopper at Arby's and it was delicious!

Big Money: Jim Cramer has come for your children

- Tom shares (starts at 1:16) a recent mindblowing experience he had while watching (it's sweeping the nation) Mad Money with Jim Cramer on CNBC. Regular listeners will recall that Cramer has greatly influenced the recent caller policies of The Best Show. Tom plays a clip in which the sound effect-loving and chair-throwing host talks about
his effort to give investors stocks that can still move in the bull market. Cramer's pick is America's Drive-In: Sonic (SONC).

While discussing the company's recent Dutch auction buyback of 19% of its stock that was booed by Wall Street, Cramer unleashed a reference that dropped Tom's jaw. Since the buyback dramatically reduced the number of outstanding Sonic shares, Cramer declares the controversial move a "Sonic Reducer" to appeal to a younger demographic than his average 62-year-old viewer. Cramer plays a snippet of the song, and since I saw the episode in question, I can report that he bopped around the studio as it played. Cramer downplays his coolness, but continues to explain that members of The Dead Boys wrote that song while they were still in their previous band, Rocket from the Tombs. At this point, Cramer displayed a picture of them on his video screen.

Tom was watching the episode while he was sick and The Dead Boys/RFTT references made his congested head explode. Despite spouting the trivia, Cramer claims that he actually doesn't know anything about punk rock 'n roll music. Cramer says that if Sonic is nuts for the buyback, then so are Wendy's, who recently announced their own Dutch auction for $800 million. But rather than attacking them like Sonic, the market is applauding their decision. He believes Sonic is being unfairly punished. Cramer's cash register, gun shot, doorbell, and applause sound effects has Tom longing for a similar soundboard. Cramer believes that Sonic knows their business better than the analysts. He doesn't think their critics ("the crazies") can get past their 3,100 stores and 20 consecutive years of positive sales growth. They think the company is done. But Cramer says no way and thinks the company has tons of room for growth. He sees the buyback as sign of confidence from management. At this point, Tom wants Mike to give him some money or his credit card number so he can buybuybuy.

Cramer then completes his trilogy of punk references by comparing their potential regional-to-national expansion to Manifest Destiny, which he notes is also the title of an album by The Dictators. Cramer claims the album has criminally never been released on CD in the U.S. This is false, but that's a minor quibble. Tom believes that Cramer deserves credit for making an effort to dish these musical references even if he knows not of what he speaks. Someone sent Tom a link to a General Zod soundboard, but he can't get it to open. Tom requests a working sound effects board. He wants to use drop-ins from Napoleon Dynamine and The Benchwarmers. Tom will honor Cramer with the sweet sounds of Jon Heder!

The Dead Boys - "Ain't Nothin' To Do"

Oops, he did it again: There's an old saying in the Predator house: "Fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. Fool me ... you can't get fooled again."

- A caller (starts at 1:35) can't believe that Tom was defending 30 Rock. Tom says he liked the pilot, but hasn't seen the second episode. The caller is certain that NBC will quickly ankle that laffer, doubting that it will last a full season. Tom recognizes that as industry lingo that appears in publications like Variety. The caller reads that trade publication and he's also been in it. The caller says that the word is that the show tanked at the upfronts and now people are trying to make it seem like everyone loved it from the get-go.

The caller works in the industry and recently appeared on a reality show. He doesn't want to toot his own horn, but kinda does by saying he killed. He says it aired last Friday night at 9 p.m. on a little network called NBC. Tom's heard of the network and was watching television at that time. Tom says the only reality program he recalls from that night was the "Dateline: To Catch A Pervert thing". The caller calls Tom a jerk and asks him to show some respect for the proper title: Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator. Tom isn't sure who requires the respect, and the caller says it's him because he was on the show. He asks Tom if he remembers a guy in green sweats, tube socks, and a Sister Sheila hoodie. He also had a pencil-thin mustache. Tom does recall a man with that description appearing in a patio. That was the caller, who goes by the handle "Fill1965". The caller met a woman online and he showed up to meet her. It turned out that it was a total set-up. He arrived with all his stuff and heard a female voice inform him that she spilled something on her shirt, so she had to run upstairs to change. As he waited for her, Chris Hansen appeared and started grilling him about why he's here. The caller told him the truth. He compares his intentions to when you were a kid and your dad caught you smoking. In order to make you stop doing it, he would make you chain smoke an entire pack at once. His mission in going to the house that evening was to warn the girl about all the nutjobs out there.

Tom is a bit confused because he remembers the caller arriving with a keg of beer. He doesn't understand what he was going to warn her about. The caller said he was planning to give her some beer until she didn't want anymore, and then he'd go home. Tom thinks he's simply a pervert, but the caller doesn't think Tom can call him that. The caller plans to sue the city of Newbridge for the set-up because he believes it was "dirty pool". He was accidentally on a website -- tooyoungforyou.com -- and then he got lured into the trap. Tom is understandably suspicious of someone cruising such a website, but the caller says that she told him that she was an adult. He hates when people lie. In addition to dishonesty, the caller hates Chris Hansen. When Hansen first strolled out, he asked the caller if he needed any help. The caller threw out a little joke, saying that he didn't, unless Hansen was willing to help him lug the keg inside the house. The caller didn't initially recognize Hansen and told him to shut up because he thought he was lying when he introduced himself. The caller toots his horn a second time by noting that Hansen appeared to be totally intimidated by his Jim Morrison-meets-Mick Mars rock star swagger. In other words, a little hunch + leather pants.

When the whole crew came out to inform him that he was being filmed, the caller started cracking them up with a Don Rickelsesque crowd warm-up routine. His set included some "beaner" jokes for the Mexican cameraman, who appeared to be totally into the material. He then told Hansen that he was weak and didn't have it going on. He told him to leave the anchorman stuff to John Seigenthaler. Hansen was impressed by the caller's vibe and suggested that he had what it takes to be an anchorman. The caller thought the girl was 18, but admits that she said she was 14 online. Tom thinks it's creepy; the caller doesn't want Tom to judge him for it and calls him a jerk. Tom presses the caller on Hansen's comments, and he admits that Hansen did not actually tout his anchoring skills. Hansen told him that he was sick to be there preying on underage girls. The caller says he did detect something in Hansen's vibe indicated that he was impressed despite his moral qualms. The caller says that one awesome thing that happened is that he set the record for being in the house longer than any other predator. He remained captive for an hour and a half to make the most of his primetime exposure and boost his acting career.

He pounced on this opportunity for facetime by reciting a monologue from President Baseball. He selected the scene where the Brendon Fraser character comes out to talk to the President on the mound. The President is trying to balance the pressure of a decisive World Series game with the threat of a nuclear attack from China. While some might expect that Fraser made the visit to pull the President away from the game, he ends up delivering the film's climactic line: "Mr. President, I have one thing to say to you: strike this guy out." He also read some sides from an episode of one of his favorite shows of all-time: The Reggae Kid, which aired on The Shout! Network in the early 1990s. The show revolved around a family that returns from a Jamaican vacation to find a little kid stowed away in their suitcase. Tom was never a big fan of the show. The caller is surprised. He had some problems doing the scene because he couldn't get anyone to read Deirdre's part.

The crew was acting icy, mad, and aloof, but the caller could tell that they were really excited by him. They eventually tried to shuffle him out because there was another predator scheduled to arrive soon. In his defense, the caller says the lead cop on the case, Officer Harrups, was impressed by the way he carried himself throughout the ordeal. At one point, Harrups confided in the caller that he wished the cameras weren't rolling so he could set him free. Harrups also said he'd love to have him join the police force. Tom doubts that he said this, and the caller says that he actually isn't sure what he said because he was facedown in the gravel with a policewoman's knee in his back. He did, however, definitely pick up on a positive vibe that suggested that Harrups was into his whole thing. Tom finds it odd that people who are arresting him would be a fan of his vibe, but the caller says they were just going through the motions.

Tom vaguely recalls a scene where they took him to the jail to go before a judge. The judge was the guy who replaced the disbarred Montgomery Davies. The caller made a joke about the device that took Davies down by telling the judge that he heard a whirring sound underneath his robe. The caller says that the judge laughed really hard, but then admits that he actually said he was the worst form of human and wanted him incarcerated for life. He said the caller's behavior made him madder than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding. Tom thinks the caller suffers from a delusional streak, which he deflects as simply a love-it-or-leave-it quality. He's just thankful that his uncle, Maurice Kern, ended up bailing him out because the jail was tough stuff. Tom has had plenty of run-ins with Kern over the years. The caller thinks he's a saint, but Tom doesn't agree. The caller thinks this opinion could end up costing Tom.

The caller needs Tom's help in finding an agent because he's looking to spin his status as "The Predator"into some tie-ins and branding initiatives. He wants to pitch a show to NBC President Kevin Reilly (he doubts he could get a sitdown with Jeff Zucker), who owes him a meeting because the network used the scene of his tazering in all of the promos. The caller says they used it because people don't have any interest in whimpering predators. They want the tough stuff. The network apparently raked in huge ad revenue that week, and the caller wants to get a piece of it. He's certain that he will when Predator Strikes Back starts airing. In this show, a bunch of fed-up predators will go after John Q. Law to get revenge for being put down and falsely accused. The stars will be the caller, Buzzy, Father Mike, and other guys from his cell. They will strike back with max force using guns, whips, and whatever else is necessary. Tom's not on board with PSB because he doubts viewers wants to see vigilante criminals and pervert. The caller thinks Tom might be more into ATP -- America's Top Predator, which is kind of like American Idol with its singing and dancing, but a little darker. The inspiration came from the caller's cellmate, Jake, who played air guitar that became audible when he rubbed his imaginary pick against his crotch.

The caller moves the the dark to the light with Predator Prayers, which is the same premise as Three Wishes, but with predators fulfilling the wishes of needy families. Tom can't imagine anyone wanting a predator to show up and build them a house. The caller thinks it's a great idea and can't wait to run it by Kevin Reilly. He also had an idea that he could take to one of the secondary cable networks: The Predator's Guide To Early Retirement, a money show with him giving investment advice. Tom asks why anyone would take investment advice from him. He thinks they'd be totally into, citing the old saying: "What does a predator not know? The predator does not know nothing." Get Rich, Predator-Style would be more like Mad Money with its rock 'n roll soundtrack. He would host along with Buzzy and Father Mike. He thinks he's qualified to give stock tips because he's seen the other finance shows, plus he's got the extra vibe. Tom suggests that it's a sex offender vibe, but the caller says that Tom cannot prove that.

Tom is more intrigued by Predator Force, a primetime drama (Spring 2007) featuring predators kicking ass in Iranq. Tom wonders if he means Iraq, and the caller says it's one of those places where the creeps are doing stuff and need a nuking. The predators are the heroes fighting on behalf of Uncle Sam. The caller will defer the star role to his cellmate Werner, an All-American hero who is actually German. Tom knows Werner from his drug-dealing in Newbridge. The caller says that Werner's stuff was cut out of Dateline because he was too nuts. He entered the house brandishing a wet towel on the end of a stick and a Slurpee. The caller tried e-mailing Hansen from the prison computer to get more details on why they cut Werner from the show, but he's been tight-lipped about the incident. Hansen gave him a fake address, so the messages bounced back. The caller thinks he's a jerk. Tom is not surprised that Hansen doesn't want to chit-chat with him on the Internet. The caller says that TLS does want to talk to him. The caller believes that Trent L. Strauss is the greatest filmmaker of our time. He pitched him a film called Predator Nights. The plot involves the main character Hacksaw (played by the caller) going to meet a hot 14-year-old lady, but he never does because the house is haunted. It's filled with all the ghosts of all the Dateline people that he murdered in the eventual prequel. The caller thinks the audience will feel for Hacksaw's battle with the ghosts, among other things. Strauss is ready to go, but that's the hitch. The caller's trial is tomorrow, so he needs Tom to testify on his behalf. He wants Tom to show up in disguise and confess to the charges against him.

The caller thinks Tom would want to help him, but Tom has no interest in assisting a pedophile. The caller says he will just tell the judge that Tom did it. He thinks Tom's judgments sound increasingly like Hansen, the film crew, everyone at the booking station, his cellmates, and Trent L. Strauss. Tom thinks he's a horrible criminal who deserves to be jailed and needs help. Based on this, the caller predicts that he and Tom will fight it out in court tomorrow. Tom will show up, and the caller will pin the crime on Tom. If Tom has the cajones to say that he was the guy in the house, a fight will ensue. The caller warns Tom that he's a big man. Tom says that he's 6' 2", and the caller starts getting nervous because he thought Tom was 3' 8". He based that height on Tom's voice, which he thought sounded like a munchkin. The caller is only 5-feet tall, so he thinks he's screwed. Tom's glad. His new plan is to go see Bryce at 11:30 p.m. to try to sneak out of Newbridge on a cargo train car. He knows where Bryce lives because he used to manage the old Lady Foot Locker until it went out of business. Tom always wondered what led to its demise, and the caller says that some stuff went down. He was accused of selling rails out of the back of the store. Tom's next question is "were you?", and the caller asks for a definition of "was I?". Tom rephrases: "Did you ever exchange cocaine for money?". The caller wants Tom to define "money". Tom says it's cash. The caller then admits to selling rails. Tom thinks the caller may be the worst person he's ever spoken to in his life. He's glad that he will be sentenced tomorrow, but the caller vows to escape by train. He hangs up.

- Paycheck calls (starts at 2:04) with a big Toronto booya for Tom. Tom doesn't accept it because that's the business of punk rock superfan, Jim Cramer. Paycheck thought Cramer riffing on obscure Cleveland punk rock was the weirdest thing he's ever heard, comparing it to Lou Dobbs making Flamin' Groovies references. Tom points out that he heard it on the show after it was vetted, so he knew something surprising was coming. He asks Paycheck to imagine what it was like for him as he watched the show live. Tom has been a Cramer fan, but now he's becoming a fanatic. Paycheck wants the backstory on what led to the references and speculates that Cramer may have been a regular at Fleshtones shows at Tramps back in 1981. Tom's gut feeling is that he did not know what he's reading, but the fact that he did it is enough for him. Paycheck researched Cramer online and discovered that he retired from hedge fund management because he was on the road to a heart attack. Paycheck then checked out the show, and the maniacal circus environment struck him as an odd way to slow down. Mr. and Mrs. Paycheck will be attending the WFMU Record Fair, they are looking forward to catching up with esteemed FOTs like Jason and Officer Tom.

- Tom reports (starts at 2:09) on his findings from his latest browse through the Barnes & Nobles. He was excited to see the new, equine-themed Dick Francis novel, Under Orders, which features the return of his jockey character, Sid Halley. Tom reads the plot synopsis and thinks it sounds thrilling. He saw 48 Francis paperbacks in the mystery section, and they all have horses on them. Tom also saw the new issue of Entertainment Weekly with Clint Eastwood on the cover in an honest, all-the-wrinkles photo. Tom thinks everyone already gets it and doesn't need a reminder that the man is old. At first, he thought he was looking at an atlas depicting the Appalachian mountain range, but it was just Clint's weathered visage. Tom thinks it's a bit disgusting to get that close to Clint's aged skin. Next up was the the new Bass Player, a special issue devoted to John Entwistle and featuring a tab for "The Real Me". Tom guesses that he's been on the cover 40 percent of the time, trading off with Jaco and Flea. Bottom line: Tom expects more variety from Bass Player magazine.

Is it over yet?: After a week of exhausting training, the Lindsey kids arrive at their final wardrobe fitting this past Sunday

- Dennis Lindsey checks back in (starts at 2:14) to see if Tom is up for the Halloween challenge that could move him forward in life. Dennis prefers to use the term "challenge" instead of "problems" or "hard times". As a result, Tom can look at him being vaguely psychotic about Halloween candy as an opportunity. Dennis argues that any perceived psychosis is just him trying to do a good, thorough job of preparing for the holiday. Tom wants to know why he cares so much, and Dennis says just wants to provide the best for his kids. There is a buzzing on his phone because he's calling from the Philippines. He was called out of the country on an impromptu business trip, which is why he hasn't called the last couple of weeks. His office has outsourced of lot of the day-to-day operations to the Philippines, so he's there training some new workers until he returns to the U.S. on Thursday. Dennis will write off the cost of the international call as a business expense. Tom's glad that his company will eat the charges. Dennis says Tom wouldn't believe the stuff he's slipped through on his expense account. He'll give Tom the details when they sit down for a beer after Halloween goes off without a hitch.

Tom assures him that he'll have plenty of candy, but Dennis wishes it were only that simple. He's still a little worried that Tom won't be ready for the arrival of the Lindsey kids. Dennis reminds Tom that he doesn't want any Sno Balls and would ideally want him to cook a pizza. He doesn't think Tom is up to that particular challenge, and Tom confirms that he will not hand out fresh slices. Dennis believes this is the first step of an ongoing training process, so Tom can work up to pizza, hot dogs, or a multiple-course meal for Halloween 2007. These items would only be for his kids, so Tom would really only need to dispense three slices of pizza. Dennis says that Tom could give them the entire pie so he could eat the rest at home. To ease his mind, Dennis penciled Tom in for a eight-way conference call on Friday with some business consultants he's worked with in the past. For Monday and Tuesday, he's made some spreadsheets with room for Tom to fill out his hour-by-hour preparatory tasks. Tom refuses to do these things. Instead, he will fill a bowl with candy and give it out to any kids that show up at his house.

Dennis is used to dealing with workers like Tom who don't like to go the extra mile. Tom says that he doesn't work for him, but Dennis is prepared to compensate him for his efforts. He was going to save it for a surprise finale, but he asks Tom what the name James Keach does for him. Tom says it does nothing for him. Dennis says it's Stacy Keach's brother, who appeared in Wildcats with Goldie Hawn. Tom has no idea who he's talking about. Dennis recently hired the lesser-known Keach as a motivational speaker based on his success in the real estate/timeshare business. He has a video of his speech to his company. If Tuesday night is a success, he will give Tom a copy. Tom does not find this reward appealing at all. Dennis is disconnected.

The thrill is missing someone: B.B. Check. Slowhand. Check. Phil Collins. Check. Where's Tom?

- A caller thinks (starts at 2:22) Dennis Lindsey sounded a lot like the predator freak. Tom's not sure what to make of all the weird calls he's been getting. The caller wants to know what's going on out there, but Tom says that for all he knows, the caller is one of them. He's a commuter who's commuting, and he found Tom while flipping the dial. At first, he thought the predator call was a parody, but soon realized that he was serious. He assumes he was calling from jail. He asks Tom if he knows what Lindsey is training Filipino workers to do. Tom doesn't know. (Make candy?) The caller would not want to have Lindsey as a boss. The caller sells software to scientists to let them make discoveries to develop new products and chemicals. The product allows companies to make products better aligned with consumer preferences. The caller finds it fascinating. Tom's glad he's out there making America tick, and the caller is gratified to know that he's able to help people.

He used to work in Wall Street with James Cramer, and he didn't think he was anything special back then. He was just one of 10,000 other money managers trying to eek his way to a decent return. He then recreated himself. Tom wants to know if the caller's finance career made him rich. He's been rich, but he spent all his money every way he could so his ex-wife couldn't get it. He denies putting any of it up his nose. He primarily spent it on rock 'n roll, but Tom doesn't think it's that expensive. Tom's been playing bass the past two years in James Dolan's boogie band called JD and the Sureshots. The caller has heard of them, but doesn't know Jimmy Dolan. The caller says he used to play with Jimmy Marshall and Tom can't believe it. The caller plays guitar and can sometimes play the blues. Last week, Tom jammed and traded vocals with B.B. King on "The Thrill Is Gone" at a corporate gig for Mennen. The caller does a rendition of the "By Mennen" jingle and says they need to do some product revamps. Tom demands that he take it back, so he backtracks to say that Mennen is awesome as is. He's GOMPed anyway for putting down WFMU's parent company.

- Dennis calls back (starts at 2:28) to denounce the last caller's criticisms of him. He said he would make his life a living hell for six months and then fire him if he worked for him. Then again, he would never hire him because he's not a Filipino willing to work for what equates to $3/hour. Tom sarcastically declares this progressive and heartwarming. Dennis assumes that the caller would demand a compensation package that included a living wage like $50,000/year, a 401(k), and some health bennies. Dennis says that his company benefits from a land full of college graduates willing to work for slave wages. Dennis will take that over some weirdo in IT any day. Dennis seems pleased that it's not longer the 1990s when people had the chance to earn a decent living.

Tom doesn't know what else to say except that he will have normal candy on Halloween, so his kids can either take it or leave it. Speaking of his kids, his daughter, Bailey, plays the harp, so he warns Tom to be careful of her delicate hands when he gives her the candy. His linebacker son Logan, 16, is in his final campaign as a trick-or-treater. He wants Tom to give him an extra portion, which is detailed in the pie charts and PowerPoint slides he has planned for Friday's conference call. He pencils Tom in again, but Tom wants him to pencil him out again because filling a bowl with candy is the extent of the work he will put into it. Dennis could see how Tom's renegade approach to the challenge might be applauded at some businesses, but he's not sure if he can groove with it. Tom says he has no choice. Dennis offers to have his wife stop by tomorrow with some briefing papers. Dennis assumes Tom's seen her jogging around the neighborhood because she's pretty smokin'. Tom honestly doesn't recall seeing her. Dennis mentions that she used to be a member of the Denver Nuggets dance squad. He's particularly fond of the way her ponytail comes through the back of her hat.

Dennis got Logan a 2002 Chevy Tahoe with 6" lift kit for his 16th birthday. The car also has a got a built-in cup in the driver's door because Logan dips. Dennis wants Tom to use his imagination about what such a vehicle could do to a yard. Dennis and Logan go out on mudding sessions every weekend, and Logan is becoming very skilled. If Tom doesn't pull through on Tuesday night, Logan will turn his yard into a bog. Tom says they will just have to wait to see how things shake out and doesn't like all the tough talk. He promises to throw any briefings papers directly in the garbage.

- The previous caller returns (starts at 2:35) to say that he wasn't disparaging Mennen, but Tom says that he was also throwing his beloved Cramer under the bus. Tom points out that Cramer has money that he's not wasting on rock groups. The caller believes that Cramer should spend his money on psychotherapy because he's not providing any real service to people. He dismisses him as a penny-stock promoter on acid. Tom thinks he should put those harsh words in a song, but the callers thinks it would be a waste of his talent. Tom wants a stock tip, but he refuses. He tells Tom to put his money in the bank and not bother with the rigged market. He thinks that anyone who thinks they can win by taking the advice of people like Cramer are getting duped. He thinks Tom should invest in other asset classes besides equities. Tom proposes a home purchase, but the caller recommends waiting on that one. Tom becomes frustrated and wants to know what he's supposed to buy. The callers wonders why Tom has to buy anything and tells him to do whatever he wishes with his money. Tom really wants to learn from the guy who spent all of his money in a vindictive spending spree to burn his ex-wife. Tom thinks that behavior suggests a level-headed thinker. The callers says he was young and impetuous at the time. He was in his early 30s, so Tom says that indicates he's just nuts.

Tom's had enough and tells him to put it all in a blues song. Tom says that he might be able to get him a chance to play with B.B. King during a soundcheck. The caller says he would jump all over it and show up with two guitars. (Later, Tom retracted the offer because the guy irked him. Tom will take over the slot to jam on Elton John's "Your Song".) Tom says B.B. is a good guy, but a little weird. Tom was talking to his personal assistant, who said that King often goes into "rage outs" where he just starts hitting things. After the incidents, he has no memory of them. Tom has yet to witness an attack. Tom wants to know the caller's guitar heroes.

Caller: Stevie Ray.
Tom: Never heard of him. Stevie Ray?
Caller: Stevie Ray Vaughan.
Tom: Oh, Stevie Ray Vaughan.
Caller: Come on ...
Tom: Oh, he's terrible.
Caller: Yeah ... by what standard?
Tom: Um, by the standard that my ears think his playing sounds awful.
Caller: Wow, really?
Tom: Yeah.
Caller: How 'bout you ... let's hear a standard on your level.
Tom: Told ya -- B.B. King.
Caller: Anyone else?
Tom: It starts and ends with B.B. King.
Caller: Hmmm ... Eric Clapton?
Tom: Oh, he's awful, too.
Caller: Uh ...
Tom: Slowhand? I wish he had no hands.
Caller: Yeah ... um ... wow, so B.B. King is it?
Tom: B.B. King, the master.
Caller: Hmm, that's true.
Tom: Who else do you like?
Caller: Ummm, Jimi Hendrix.
Tom: Jim E. Hendrix?
Caller: Jimi Hendrix. James Hendrix.
Tom: James Hendricks?
Caller: Yep.
Tom: Was he in that Hendricks, Lambert, and Ross? That?
Caller: Sorta, but not. Kinda, though.
Tom: How do you spell "Hendricks", I'm gonna search this guy later. H-e-n-d-r-i-c-k-s?
Caller: R-i, I believe it's x.
Tom: H-e-n-d-r-i-c-k-s-x?
Caller: No, r-i-x.
Tom: James Rix?
Caller: No, Hendrix. H-e-n-d-r-i-x.
Tom: H-e-n-d-r-i-x-s.
Caller: Just r-i-x.
Tom: Just ... I said that already, you said it was this other ... so it's not ... Rix?
Caller: Hen Drix.
Tom: Hen is his first ... like Hen like Henry?
Caller: Come on.
Tom: Help me out here, I'm trying to learn about new music.
Caller: Jim E. Hendrix is not new music.
Tom: Ok, Jim. Jim? Jim is his first name? E...
Caller: James.
Tom: Jim E. James?
Caller: James Hendrix!
Tom: Which is it?!
Caller: James Hendrix!
Tom: Get Off My Phone! You don't know nothin'!

- Tom gives a scary tour (starts at 2:43) through another magazine he picked up: Concealed Carry Handguns, the experts guide to personal defense. Tom is always looking for new magazines, especially if they are produced on foul-smelling newsprint like this one. Tom says the inside photos are all fat guys shooting guns, a bizarre gun porn niche. One of the highlights of this issue is an article called "Keep It Simple, Keep It Basic", a guide to sharpening your survival skills for when it's do-or-die! The piece is accompanied by a picture of a guy firing a handgun from around the side of a Jeep with a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker. The magazine also features a variety of scenarios that help citizens combat violent crime in their day-to-day life. The first one is called "Welcome To Sunny Florida":

You and your wife are traveling on the interstate in southern Florida on your long-awaited vacation. Suddenly a beat-up pick-up swerves in front of your car, and a man in the back throws an old tire rim in your path. Your car runs over the rim, which does considerable damage. You veer off the highway and come to rest at the burm. As you step from the car, shaken by what just happened, armed highwaymen approach from the bushes at the roadside. What do you do?

Tom: "Is this real? Are these real situations? Sounds like Road Warrior."

Start seated with your hands on the wheel. At the signal, jump from the car and engage the hostiles. When finished, hit the plate to stop the clock.

Tom says there is a terrifying diagram that shows you how to shoot the guys. Another scenario:

While working in your backyard, you have your pistol your pistol tucked in your belt under a loose shirt

Tom: "Who's working in the yard with a gun? Where is your yard?!"

When confronted by an armed intruder who threatens you, you pull your pistol and go to work. As the first shot breaks, you hear a scuffle around the corner.

Tom believes this may be a scene from Grand Theft Auto. I did some research and it's actually Level 2 of Pimp City.

At the signal, draw from concealment and engage first target. Then move to cornering and engaging the remaining targets

Tom wonder if these are legit real-world scenarios or part of some kind of military drill. The next scenario is called "Keep That Profile Low":

You are out and about town running errands and suddenly accosted by an armed individual while walking across the local mall parking lot. Since your pistol is concealed under a loose sports shirt ...

Tom assumes that loose clothing is required since the gun enthusiasts are all obese.

... he is completely surprised as you draw instead of meekly handing over your money. As the action starts, you also come under fire from the first gunman's accomplice, who's gone unnoticed off to the side.

Tom thinks this scenario is taking place in a post-apocalyptic America where everyone is roaming the streets armed. Tom says that every guy in the magazine looks like the guy in the donut shop in Boogie Nights and mentions an article called "Carry Modes Out Of The Ordinary", which tells readers how to effectively engage safe and comfortable new concealment methods. The guy modeling the gun looks like a less healthy Robert Altman. He's pulling the gun out of his jacket, and Tom is surprised that he's not tipping over from the trauma of such a movement. The magazine touts storage vessels such as fanny packs and soft-leather handbags, which are prefect for concelaing a Glock 31. Tom's had enough of guns and wonders what planet we're living on. The back of the magazine offers other accessories like a CCC Tropic Vest, the single ugliest piece of clothing Tom's ever seen. A bad Hawaiian shirt with a weird, gray vest stapled to the front of it. Tom wants a job in a profession that allows someone to walk around all day with a weapon concealed within such a garment. Tom is considering writing for the magazine. I would suggest an article called "GOMP: How To Wipe Your Enemies Off the Planet With A Quick Draw!"

Tom also noticed that Barnes & Noble had a lot of books about hating President Bush. Tom thinks he should write one called Bush Stinks, but needs a catchy subtitle along the lines of Vice: Dick Cheney and the Hijacking of the American Presidency, or Dick: The Man Who is President, or Keith Garfinkle's Lon Chaney: The Most Misunderstood Politician of the 21st Century. Tom thinks that 30 years from now, people will still be having a lot of fun with The Dick Cheney Code: A Parody. (Tom resists the urge to get political when Bush hater Evan "Funk" Davies walks into the studio to put the finishing touches on his three-hour tribute to B.B. King called "The Thrill Is Back.") Tom thinks that hijacking may be a good concept for the subtitle, so he proposes Bush Stinks: The Hijacking of the Free World's Freedoms. Even though Tom supports him, he's willing to write a book about how bad he is to make money.

- Emerson in Chicago calls (starts at 2:54) to see if there's been any progress in the Ted Leo lyrical throwdown. Emerson thought Tom could first write "Bush Stinks" as a song for Ted before expanding it to book length. As Chicago gets colder, the people are insulating their bodies with pure trans fats, which are now offered as a condiment for hot dogs. Tom wants Emerson to be more heart smart. Emerson says that Chicago has fallen behind Houston for the obese crown, and Tom thinks the city should erect billboards that advertise the drop to second place.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Pudge talks about his upcoming collaboration with Aaron Sorkin (Laboratory 90H in the Research Triangle), Jim Cramer calls to request a Pere Ubu song and inform Tom that he plans to add marionettes of every Dow 30 CEO to the Mad Money stable, and Tornado Todd calls to announce that he acquired the DVD rights to Predator Prayers.

*** Recidivism EXCLUSIVE*** Here's a scene from The Tool Belt Killer. All you need to know is that the Viking spirits have fully emerged from the walls of Lowe's to do battle in the Newbridge fairgrounds:

Posted by Omar at 9:08 AM | Permalink | Comments

Look for these hermanos to tour next year with Smoosh. Hopefully the sibling pairs will join forces to jam on some Sep classics -- I think Asya could add some nice keyboard textures to "Beneath The Remains".

Sepultura - "Refuse/Resist"

Posted by Omar at 4:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 2:27 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 8:35 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 10:55 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 7:51 PM | Permalink | Comments

What did she think she was buying?

Posted by shillak at 5:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

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Start practicing your air-raid sirens:

Into Eternity - "Nothing"

Into Eternity - "Pain Through Breathing"

( Click here to buy The Scattering Of Ashes)

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"I must have psychically picked up on your request because I've started on that. Nothing interesting will start for a long time tonight." -- Tom, doing a favor for Dave in Knoxville

"Let us be like a little lullaby in the background. Doesn't mean you have to start singing along with the lullaby." -- Tom, reiterating the show's new calling policies

"Not only are you boring, you've actually created boring characters. Even your fantasy stuff is boring." -- Tom on Spike's lackluster Sims creations

"Finally, that dump is gone." -- Tom, not crying for CBGB's

"Oh, you gotta see this place -- most disgusting bathrooms on Earth." -- CBGB's primary selling point

"First 9/11, and now this. Can these brave New Yorkers cope with the loss of a rock club that they never went to?” -- Tom, wondering if the city can survive another trauma

"I wouldn’t let my dog sniff anything in that place out of respect to my dog’s nose.” -- Tom, refusing to let Dogmo near any CBGB's souvenirs

"Everything I do is kinda punk." -- Petey, fully immersed in the lifestyle

"He folded like a cheap camera when the heat came down." -- Tom on the cowardice of punk legend Pete Seeger

"You watch Star Wars now, and you get sad when see this great actor have to walk around in a stupid brown robe." -- Tom on seeing Alec Guinness forced to spout Lucas dialogue

"You like movies about trannies, you get as many tranny movies as you want." -- Tom, keeping Laurie's queue mostly intact

"I don’t dress up for Halloween. I go for a festive sweater." -- MC Steinberg on his holiday attire

"An artist has to be willing to try different things." -- Tom on MC Steinberg’s bold decision to adhere sprinkles to his candy apples

"I’ll start doing my own thing, I’ll start doing like an audio tap dance." -- Tom, stealing the show on a Jerky Boys prank

"What are you, auditioning for a job over at Criterion with this list?" --Tom, questioning Mike’s scholarly Netflix queue

"Tommy don’t run, Tommy’s staying to fight." -- Tom, hunched over and coughing eight feet away from the mic, sweat pouring down his brow like he just ran a marathon

"This guy’s crazy! He's gonna get killed up there!" -- Tom, voicing an incredulous New Yorker in the Turk 182 video game

"How on Earth did Donald Trump, Jr. become successful?" -- Tom, trying to explaining the poor kid's rise to business glory

"I kinda agree with him. A lot of dummies call." -- Pudge, supporting a caller's claim that the show's listeners are idiots

"No one can intimidate a Bon Jovi song." -- A caller, expressing displeasure with Indieblockedappella's take on "Livin' On A Prayer"

[TBSOWFMU - 10/17/06 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 44] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

The Ettes - "No More Surprises"

( Click here to buy Shake The Dust)

Dead Moon - "40 Miles Of Bad Road"
Dead Moon - "The Way It Is"

( Click here to buy Echoes of the Past)

Gojira - "The Heaviest Matter Of The Universe"

( Click here to buy From Mars to Sirius)

Deftones - "Combat"

( Click here to pre-order Saturday Night Wrist)

Asobi Seksu - "Goodbye"

( Click here to buy Citrus)

Annotated highlights of a show in which The Kid kept fighting and fighting and coughing and fighting and, despite his fears, didn't expire like that act-tore who recently croaked onstage:

Danielson Bachelor Party Fallout: The seemingly clean-cut crew apparently enjoys the rough stuff. After Tom gave it his all for last week's show, he found his car all smashed up -- front windshield broken, trunk popped, tires slashed, and a giant "D" spray-painted on the hood like some kind of warning. The Danielsons are the new Tall Bikers, although at least they didn't hurl a McSweeney's Quarterly at Tom.

Congrats to Tom for being named the 10th most happening person in the comedy world in Mitzi Shore's annual survey for The Comedy Store website.

Here's the ballot I submitted:

1. Marty Shonson
2. Denis Leary
3. Rita Rudner
3. David Brenner
4. Tom Scharpling
5. Darrell Hammond
6. Akiva Smirnoff
7. Jim Norton
8. Darren Cook (RIP)
9. Elayne Boosler
10. Artie Lange

- As Tom took the first call of the evening, he had that one-second twinge of expecting to hear "Heeeelllloooo, Tom." However, it was the far less creepy Dave from Knoxville (starts at 27:25), who apologizes for cutting in front of Spike. Tom says there's no need, but Dave thinks he may have to apolgize again after asking Tom for a favor. He's rarely able to listen live due to family obligations, but his wife and kids went to the beach for Fall break. As a result, he planned his entire week around settling in for some Tuesday night radio fun. But then his plans were derailed by a flat tire on the way home from work. Tom asks him if he's enlisted AAA assistance, but Dave is going to fix it himself, a DIY ethic that he attributes to the southern way of life. Tom says that he can also put on a spare, but if he's already paid for the service that will send a guy to fix it while he reads a magazine or comic book, he will do it. About a year and a half ago, Tom drove home in the pouring rain and got a flat alongside an Anheuser-Busch brewery. He had no interest in going out in the dark, wet night to muck around with a tire on his brand new Aston Martin. It was still covered, so an A-M serviceman came out, popped the mounted spare off the trunk, replaced that, put the spare on, and then Tom was on his way. Tom read an Iron Man comic while the repair was being done. Dave thinks the story blows his desired favor to pieces. He was going to ask Tom to hold off on doing anything interesting until he got home. He found the spare tire story fascinating.

Tom thinks he must have psychically picked up on the request because he doesn't expect anything interesting to happen for a long time tonight. Dave is pleased and promises to call Tom's "screener" when he gets home to give the go-ahead to ratchet it up. Tom is offended by Dave referring to Mike the Associate Producer as a lowly screener, which makes it seem like Mike is scrubbing flies off screen doors at the back of a Chinese restaurant. Mike only does that for fun. On the show, he's the invisible hand holding it down behind the glass. Tom tells Dave to get his tire fixed and get home safely. Dave tells Tom to have a great night, and Tom returns the wishes. Dave is confident that he will indeed have a great night. The upbeat sign-off prompts Tom to declare Dave the Tony Robbins of Knoxville.

Tom commends Dave for his brief, focused call. He came in, made his point, and checked out. No more Day Of The Dead sleepwalks in the new regime of The Best Show. You splash some cold water on your face, you call, you have a good 'ol time hashing out your topic with Tom, and then you say goodnight. Tom says that everyone -- including the regulars and even Tom -- is on probation. If Spike is boring, he’s gone. If Petey rambles in the goofball voice, CLICK. From now on, the show is gonna move like the rapid-fire Mad Money without the chair throwing and someone dressed up in a bull costume. If you're tired, just let the show be like a soothing lullably in the background. No need to sing along.

Powood Acres: A Sims player en route to Au Bon Pain to meet his virtual neighbor for the first time

- Spike calls (starts at 33:26) with an abnormal greeting: "I agree with you, Thomas." He supports the new caller policies, so he makes it short and sweet for a change. While playing Sims2, Spike saw Tom's name attached to some person or structure on the website. Tom is surprised to hear that someone is living his life in the world of the Sims. Spike doesn't know who is using Tom's name because everyone uses code names when creating their virtual environments. Spike doesn't even use "Spike". He didn't reveal his handle, but my sources told me that it's "ChuckyBerry". Spike creates different characters, and his favorite is Lily Lite, a former televangelist who ocassionaly preaches to her neighbors. Tom is not too intrigued by Ms. Lite and points out that even Spike's fantasy stuff is boring. Spike doesn't think she's boring. Perhaps he could spice things up by having Lily organize a town Fun Fair or go on a crusade for proper lawn care.

Spike also created a character who worships Tom and other radio personalities, such as Lynn Samuels and Howard Stern. Spike says that he doesn't do the dungeon discipline stuff in his Sims communities, just the mundane daily activities. I hope this includes bringing an entire jar of mayonnaise to the movie theater and making mix CDs. He's never met the people behind the characters … yet. Tom rues the day when someone meets up with Spike at the Au Bon Pain in Midtown. Tom speculates that they will identify each other via clothing -- the online neighbor will wear a red jacket, while Spike will wear a green jacket. When Spike arrives, he will see a guy in a red jacket bursting out of the emergency exit. Spike's not sure how that meeting would go, so Tom tells him it would go just like he just said it would. Tom GOMPs him. Spike had a topic that didn't involve doo wop, slashers, or a fictional dominatrix named Debbie? Props for that, I guess.

- Richie Carmichael calls (starts at 37:04) for an explanation of how Tom could possibly allow the greatest drummer in the world (i.e., Marky Ramone) to play drums live via telephony, and then go back to that "ridiculous band" (i.e., Danielson) he was hanging out with during last week's show. This made no sense to Mr. Carmichael. Tom points out that Marky hung up immediately after he played, so it's not like Tom could chase him down. Carmichael doesn't understand why he hung up because it was the greatest drum solo he's ever heard in his entire life. Tom asks him if maybe he should have hung up on Marky, and just as Carmichael begins to clarify his position, Tom gets him. Tom loves wielding his power. The surprise hang-up never fails to please him on a basic level.

Filthspotting: Renton emerges from the toilet at the t-shirt store CBGB's circa 1996

- No Smoke calls (starts at 39:26) to get Tom to talk about the time he played CBGB’s. Tom has something to say about the recent closure of this venue: "Good riddance." After what seemed like a four-year retirement complete with undying pleas from the likes of Little Steven, Tom's glad the dump is finally gone. Tom thinks the place has been bad news since around 1992, and they recently finished one last cash grab with $35/pop farewell shows. Tom rejects the notion that longevity automatically means something is good (see the Weird Al discussion a couple of weeks ago) and thinks the selling point of having the most disgusting bathrooms on Earth is terrible. In short: a rock club has to do more than simply manage to elude normal health code laws and somehow not get shut down by the health commission. Tom has no desire to look at such a dubious claim to fame.

As they break it all down and bring it to Vegas, Tom's sure that they can return to the old days of booking 10-band open mic nights where you've never heard of anyone on the bill. Bottom line: no good bands in over a decade, but a nice t-shirt. Tom imagines someone being surprised to learn that someone had the weird idea to open a club based on Duff McKagan's t-shirt in the "Sweet Child 'O Mine" video. Tom wonders when the people who are all bummed out actually last went to a show at CBGB's. They lament the loss of an institution even though head gormandizer Hilly Kristal never pulled the trigger on his 100 chances to buy it. Tom thinks a homeless shelter is ultimately more valuable than NYC's 900th rock club and doesn't understand why some are acting like it's some kind of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo scenario: an old white guy driving a bulldozer to knock down CBGB's while some punks are trying to block the entrance ("Save this club that I used to go to!") to prevent a Starbucks from being erected in its place. Instead, they are just trying to house the homeless.

- Jim from Jersey City calls (starts at 44:33) to file a complaint about ubiquitous hipsters. Tom wants to know how Jim defines a “hipster”, but the best he can come up with is a guy with nice clothes walking in NYC. He doesn’t think that Tom needs a definition. Tom gets rid of him and tells him to join CBGB’s.

- THE Laurie from Miami calls (starts at 45:44) for some help with her Netflix queue, but Tom wants her to call back in 10 minutes because he’s not done riffing on CBGB’s closure. Tom reads from a CNN.com article, which asked readers to reflect on the legendary club’s 33-year history. John from Verona, New Jersey wrote:

I saw the Sex Pistols there. I was in heaven. Sid spit in my eye as I walked past the stage.

Tom gives CNN a newsflash of his own: The Sex Pistols never played CBGB’s.

Yakov from Hillsdale, New Jersey:

It is completely upsetting. Another stepping-stone in the in the gentrification of the Lower East Side. When I first went to CB's the bathrooms had no doors and it was a wild and exciting place to be.

Tom: "Yeah, unless you had to use the bathroom." Tom says it might depend on one's definition of "exciting" -- some people might think an open-door bathroom policy is fun.

Today's bands played on the same stage that yesterday's heroes such as the Ramones and the Dictators made history.

Tom wonders if today’s bands really played there. Tom can only come up with one: Alice Donut. I couldn't come up with much either, although I think Unsane played there a few times.

Without CB's New York becomes a little less interesting and little more like everywhere else. Another crucial Landmark in rock and roll history lost forever.

Tom: "First 9/11, now this." He hopes the brave New Yorkers can cope with the loss of a rock club they never went to. Tom thinks they might as well move CB’s up to Times Square replacing Mars 2112 since there is little difference between the two establishments. Tom is also concerned about where Norwegian tourists are going to buy t-shirts at 4 p.m. now that the club is closing.

The Foley Family from Reston, Virginia writes:

Our 16-year-old son is a rock historian, especially about the golden era of CBGB's and the artists who got their start there. In the summer of 2005, we finally had a chance to go to CBGB's. It was mid-afternoon and quiet in the place. Hilly Krystal was at his tiny, cluttered desk just inside the door. Hilly invited us in, posed for a picture, signed the book of photos from CBGB's for which he wrote the forward--but more than that, he was a real gentleman who treated our son with great respect.

Tom thinks this respect was the result of the kid shelling out $30 for the book from the place next door.

He told him stories of the old days, asked questions about his band, encouraged him to keep making music, let him go up on stage to feel it out, introduced him to his son-in-law who photographed some of the legendary artists. The ghosts hung heavy in the air and we could imagine the club at full tilt '76. It's a shame that other young rock aficionados won't have the chance to see for themselves where music changed forever. Thanks to Hilly for hanging in there and for giving us an afternoon to remember...see you in Vegas.

Tom says there are 100 things wrong about that little story. He also thinks it's good to see CBGB’s and Tower Records going out at the same time: “Don’t let the door hit you.” One place had bands that nobody wants to see, and the other allowed you to buy Led Zeppelin 2 and Rubber Soul for $19-$21.

Sonic Reducer: The Dead Boys play CBGB's during a time when they booked good bands. I think that's Jim Cramer introducing them.

- A caller from Jersey City (starts at 51:50) doesn’t want to give his name, but he does want to stick up for CBGB’s. He agrees that no notable acts played there in recent years, but he thinks it’s important mainly because anyone could just call up and play. Young musicians had the chance to perform at a club with a great history in the city and have their music stream through a great sound system. You didn't need any ins in the music industry, and even if you’re band was crappy, you could get a $3 cover spot on a Monday night at 10 p.m. You could round up your friends to see you on the same stage graced by The Ramones and Talking Heads. Plus, you'd get a CD of the show. Tom summarizes the caller's point by saying that he seems to like the fact that CBGB’s threw quality control out the window. Tom suggests that the tagline “Anyone can play here!” should have been part of the awning text.

The caller thinks that policy is important; Tom thinks it’s terrible. Tom doesn’t like the idea of having to endure any bad band just because they picked up the phone and requested a slot. Tom prefers a club to book good bands. The caller doesn’t feel that new bands have enough options to play if you are just starting out. Tom’s advice: take your lumps and get good. That's the way rock music works. The caller believes that the club's history as the birthplace of punk combined with it's disregard for QC cement its value. Tom asks him if anyone cried when Max’s Kansas City went away. The caller can’t speak to any tears that were shed, but he did get a good sandwich there after it became a deli.

The caller points out that Max’s lacked the long history of CBGB’s. Tom says that it’s been a dump forever, and the fact that they will record a CD doesn’t help him. He just wants to see good bands. The caller points out that the lack of QC yielded bands like The Ramones and Talking Heads, who auditioned for slots. Tom counters by saying that this happened 30 years ago, and if that is the standard, The Cotton Club might as well be re-opened. It's actually still around! The Cotton Club outlasted CBGB's just like The Best Show outlasted Greasy Kid Stuff!

Tom sees what the caller is saying, but he shant cry for CGBG’s. Tom says that Hilly had his chance to buy the building with his t-shirt loot and keep it there forever. The caller says he couldn’t because he needed a $1 million loan and the t-shirts were simply paying the rent. Tom thinks booking good bands would have been another way to pay the rent. The caller says Hilly deserves respect for sticking to his anyone-can-play philosophy, but Tom points out that there was a time when good bands played there. The caller doesn’t think there are many good bands today that could have played there in recent years. Tom says there are and tells the caller he will get a taste of some in the upcoming set of hott music. The caller is glad to see recent JC shows like the Yo La Tengo performance at the Loews Theater. He’s all in favor of a resurgence in the JC music scene and hopes they can attract a club like CBGB’s. Tom hopes not, but does agree to support a club like circa-1970s CBGB’s when people actually cared about the bands on the stage. Tom thinks the callers heart is in the right place.

- A caller wants to chime in (starts at 58:13) on the CB's eulogy, and Tom suspects he’s glad it’s gone. The caller isn't sure because he did go there twice in the last five years for some cool queercore shows. He said that he never used the bathroom, opting to just pee in a cup like a caveman or dog. Tom expects a functioning, clean bathroom at a bar or club. He also points out that CBGB’s was the home of the overpriced $6 beer. The caller recommends that Tom move to the Netherlands if he wants clean bathrooms. Tom doesn’t need to move to Europe since Southpaw, Northsix, and the Knitting Factory prove that proper sanitation can be done in this country. The caller agrees that there are some passable domestic toilets.

If not for the homeless shelter above it, Tom would support taking a wrecking ball to the place, replacing it with a mall filled with Old Navy, Starbucks, and every other outlet that drives punks crazy. He also hopes they change Joey Ramone Place to Abercrombie and Fitch Blvd. Tom thinks that if the club was run with half an eye towards putting talent on the stage, more people would have supported it in the past 15 years, allowing it to survive. Tom wanted to go by in a pick-up truck and rip the awning; the caller wanted a table for his porch. Tom would not want anything from that place in his house. He would not allow Dogmo to even sniff anything out of respect for his nose. The caller suggests dipping any CB’s souvenirs in bleach, but Tom concludes that everything in there is irredeemable. The caller says that some people like garbage, which prompts Tom to ask if his beloved DC Snipers played there. The caller says they played there once about three or four months ago, but Tom doesn’t count anything in the farewell era. Tom says they should have been the house band.

- Petey calls (starts at 1:02) to say he's sad about CBGB’s demise because he was hoping to play there in 2007. Tom thinks he’s more of a Knitting Factory kind of guy. Petey doesn’t like the Knitting Factory -- he’s punk, so he would fit into the punkified mindset of CBGB’s. Tom doesn't think he's CBGB's material, but Petey says that everything he does is kinda punk. Tom confirms that Petey is at least adopting a punk look -- he recently saw him sporting rock star long hair and a leather jacket. (I guess Petey has abandoned the mohawk he had a few months ago.) Petey is considering opening his own club in his backyard called PDCG’s. He doesn’t think Tom would ever guess what the CG stands for. It was never revealed, but my guess is Corrosive Goofballism. Tom realizes that he said "dude" for the first time a few moments earlier, a slip he attributes to his illness. Petey thinks saying “dude” is pretty punk and wants Tom to keep saying it. Tom questions Petey’s handle on what is punk, and Petey does nothing to sway him by citing two of his favorite punk artists: Woody Guthrie and Pete Seeger.

Tom thinks Pete Seeger is terrible with his stupid banjo and sings a bit of the non-punk "Frog Went A-Courtin'" to prove it. Petey admits that is a folk song, but he was thinking of his early stuff, such as his recording of the class-conscious “Which Side Are You On?” with The Almanac Singers. Tom urges Petey to return to Pete Seeger school to learn about how he was a complete coward and folded like a cheap camera when the cops started cracking down on the Commies. Woody Guthrie went down for the count, while Seeger changed his act to hide in the comfy confines of the apolitical The Weavers. Petey is familiar with this shift in Seeger's career. Tom points out that Seeger also jacked Guthrie’s authentic Oklahoma stylee. Seeger was a Harvard guy (he dropped out in 1939) claiming to be from the south by affecting an accent. Petey thinks being a fake coward is part of being punk. He argues that punk artists have to say things they don’t actually mean in order to spread the word. Furthermore, when Dylan went electric, Seeger tried to chop down the mixing board because his folk rock ears couldn’t handle it. Tom's bottom line: “Shut up with your banjo!” The only banjo player Tom likes is George Segal.

Petey says that Seeger lives right next to him, and Tom wants to get the address so he can smash his banjo on his 110-year-old head. Petey says he will go hang out with Pete Seeger in the hopes of getting some kind of artistic, life-changing transference a la Dylan’s visit to an ailing Woody Guthrie. Tom GOMPs him because he doesn’t want to talk to the new Pete Seeger. He thinks the old pete Seeger is one of the worst people of the 20th century.

Better than Stella: Alec Guinness with his troupe of crooks and poor Mrs. Wilberforce in The Ladykillers

- It’s time (starts at 1:08) for Tom to review and restructure your Netflix queue for maximum enjoyment. First up is Nathan, a student of comedy in the midst of a tour through his favorites of the past decade, including: The Office (UK), The Comedians Of Comedy: The Movie (I saw the s hit out of this and it’s almost as mandatory as Coupon: The Movie), Zach Galifianakis Live (not yet released), and Stella. After a rock-solid start, this earns an “Eww, boy” from Tom. Tom wonders if he really wants to watch it, but Nathan loves the show. Nathan continues with Mr. Show, The Kids in the Hall, SCTV, Strangers With Candy, Upright Citizens Brigade, The Baxter, and Wet Hot American Summer. Tom’s not thrilled with the last two films, but Nathan says he’s simply hitting all the angles of the alt.comedy scene. Nathan finishes with Home Movies. Tom reveals that H. Jon Benjamin will be on the show next week. Nathan is pleased to hear that and says he also can’t live without Andy Kindler.

Tom says it’s a pretty impeccable selection of comedy, but he’d like to see an influx of Alec Guinness into his queue. He recommends three of his classic Ealing comedies: his unbelievable turn as a creep and weirdo in the original The Ladykillers, his eight (!) roles in Kind Hearts and Coronets, and The Lavender Hill Mob. Tom informs Nathan that Guinness is the godfather of all British comedy -- he begat Peter Sellers who begat Peter Cook who begat Monty Python collective. Nathan said he plans to also cram the 100-disc Monty Python box set into his queue. Tom says he gets depressed when he sees Guinness walking around in a stupid, brown robe in Star Wars, saying lines like "Use the force, Luke." Nathan will take Tom’s advice and add the films to his queue.

Tutzie: "May the Good Lord take a likin' to ya and put this in your Netflix queue real soon!"

- Laurie’s back (starts at 1:13) for help with her queue:

* Fushigi Yugi: The Mysterious Play, a Japanese anime thingamajigger that she saw when she was 15. Tom has no idea what that is, so Laurie explains that it’s anime for teenage girls who like cross dressers. Tom: “Sounds good!”

* Barton Fink. Tom likes it, but recommends swapping it for the more fun The Big Lebowski. Laurie’s already seen it, but Tom wants her to watch it again because he’s seen it 35 times. I’m leery of violating the FOT Pledge and Creed, but while Lebowski is a classic, if Laurie has not seen Fink, I’d argue that it should remain in the queue. One should see the entire Coens oeuvre.

Laurie wonders if The Dude is The Best Show mascot, but that is, of course, Judge Smails from Caddyshack. Tom recommends another viewing of that film in which Laurie focuses not on Dangerfield, Murray, or Chase (Laurie argues that nobody does this), but on the exciting story of a young man looking to get a college scholarship and courting the cantankerous Judge Smails to grant it to him. Laurie says Chris L is telling her to dump The L Word. Tom says the first thing she needs to dump is Chris L, who appears to be stepping on his toes by conducting a competing podcast of his own with Tom’s guest.

* Mrs. Henderson’s Presents. At first, I thought this Judi Dench vehicle seemed out of place in Laurie's queue, but then I remembered that it revolved around starting an all-nude revue at a derelict West End theater. Suicide Dames!

* The Pillow Book. Tom graciously allows Laurie to keep the dirty Ewan McGregor movie in her queue.

* Crash -- the David Cronenberg auto erotica one, not the Scientology racial mix-em-up one. Laurie craves seeing James Spader doing things to Rosanna Arquette’s leg again. Mike says both are terrible and recommends the J.G. Ballard book instead. At this point, Tom suspects that Laurie is a big David Lynch fan. She’s not, but her mom really liked Mulholland Drive. Tom thinks being from Florida explains the direction Laurie's queue has been heading, but she argues that Miami is like a different country. Tom says the rest of the state is still right above it, possibly pressing down on it like a tumor. You still have to wade through it to get somewhere else. Tom wants Laurie to swap the creepy Crash for Jiminy Glick in La La Wood. Tom thought it would be bad, but got some some legit laughs out of it. He tells Laurie that Glick does a David Lynch impression throughout. Laurie will heed the advice because she liked the Primetime Glick.

* The first two seasons of The L Word that Chris L tried to boot. Laurie is interested in seeing Devon Gummershall, who played Brian Krakow on My So-Called Life, in the role of a transsexual. Tom thinks we are getting a real look inside Laurie’s head. He recommends just checking out the first season for now.

* Dead Like Me. Showtime. No limits!

* Beautiful Boxer. Yes, it's another tranny movie. Tom says Laurie can go for all the tranny movies she wants. She's already seen Bad Education, Mike's recommendation of [SPOILER WARNING] The Crying Game, and Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Laurie tells Tom that there's more. Tom's sure that there is, but he only wants two more titles. Laurie can only get one out due to a laughing fit: the lesbian thriller Fingersmith based on the novel by Sarah Waters. Somebody recommended the new tranny comedy, Tutzie, starring Charles Durning. Tom makes a note of it.

- MC Steinberg calls (starts at 1:21), and he's doing awesome because it's the Halloween season. He plans to go all out this year and really celebrate it as much as possible. His daily regimen of Halloween-related activities includes packing several lunches and walking through a corn maze at a local farm. He got lost for several hours during his last trek. He will go seven or eight times throughout the season to try to master it. MCS enjoys meeting a lot of cool people and families in the maze, but Tom thinks it’s creepy that he wanders around by himself with bagged lunches in case he gets lost. Steinberg says he actually tries to lose his way. The farms have guides that ask you Halloween questions such was when the jack-o-lantern was invented. MCS will know the right answer, but he’ll go the wrong way on purpose. As it gets closer to Halloween day, he’ll change his approach from socializing to going for speed by just running through the maze. Tom prays that he’s never in the maze, but if he is, he’s not sure he wants to hang out with MCS while there.

Tom thinks it’s time to move on from the corn maze because he hears business plummeting all around the tri-state area. He wants MCS to reveal the corn maze he goes to so that other corn mazes don’t suffer the financial consequences of his attendance. However, Tom holds off because the resulting news coverage ("Weirdos in the corn maze") would completely submarine the one maze that MCS frequents. MCS says that a few years ago, News12 NJ was doing a Halloween special, and they were lucky to snag an interview with the self-proclaimed "Corn Maze Master". MCS made the news and thought it was awesome to have his five minutes of fame before his eventual 5,000 minutes of fame.

MCS is also assembling Halloween movies: Ernest Scared Stupid, Hocus Pocus
The Witches of Eastwick, and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air season 2, which had a Halloween-themed episode where Will and Carlton go to a mall to look for a Halloween present and get sidetracked by looking for a hottie. Tom is confused by the notion of a Halloween present, and Steinberg says he meant to say costume, but had a brain fart. MCS does think that the Banks family was rich enough to actually exchange Halloween gifts. MCS says he doesn't wear a costume, preferring to opt for just a festive sweater. Tom finds it odd that a Halloween fanatic would reject the mainstay of the holiday.

MCS says he goes trick-or-treating, but he’s just kidding. He says that if he did it at his age, it would make him weird. He does greet the kids at his door, busts out some rhymes, and gives out candy apples, which are kinda famous in his building. Some kids will actually return for a multiple rounds of apples. MCS promises that you will get your fair share of candy if you come to the Steinberg apartment (maybe Dennis Lindsey was listening). MCS will sometimes adhere chocolates, crushed-up peanuts, and sprinkles to the apples. The sprinkles were not a big hit, but Tom assures MCS that an artist has to be willing to try different things. Speaking of artists and the Fresh Prince, MCS asks Tom if he’s ever heard that Fresh Prince song about Halloween, “The Nightmare on My Street”. In the song’s narrative, Big Willie and Jazzy Jeff go out to see A Nightmare On Elm Street with some honeys, and Freddy Kreuger ends up haunting Will’s dreams. Tom thinks it has all the makings of a great song. MCS thinks it’s a classic that will outlast Will Smith, not unlike Bobby "Boris" Pickett’s novelty hit, "Monster Mash". Steinberg wants to be immortal, so he wrote his own Halloween song called "Frankensteinberg":

Now I have a deep secret, and I need to share

And to all my followers, you may get a scare

I might just pull a Diddy, give my fans a big surprise

Tell ‘em I’m not a rapper, but a monster in disguise

I’m gonna rope my ponytail like a big old garden hose

I have a pair of hooves underneath my rubber toes

I wear special dentures to cover my fangs

Better watch out, little kiddies, I got hunger pangs

Frankensteinberg, I’m an urban legend, in my urban town

Frankensteinberg, I gobble up little kids when the sun goes down

I’m the eerie presence when you’re all alone

I’m those creeps and cracks you may hear in your home

Making out with your girl, scratching out your car door

You feel a cold chill walking by the Dollar Store

I’m the most evil rapper in the whole damn game

And although I feast on flesh, one thing is the same

When a guy leaves the club with an arm around your date

Sorry pal – even monstes got to regulate

Frankensteinberg, I wear big chains, and I carry a gat

Frankensteinberg, I got big fangs, and I fly like a bat

Now this Halloween, you better watch yourself

Like Meatloaf said, I’m a bat outta hell

Grabbin’ the kids with their bags full of candy

Drinkin’ the (??) like it’s expensive brandy

Then return to my castle and lay in my casket

Rule a kingdom of darkness, then Angela Bassett

Walks in with the Wolfman, and Dracula, and Eazy-E combined

I’m Frankensteinberg, all up in your mind

Frankensteinberg, shout-out to Bubba and Burt, my posse from Hell

Frankensteinberg, if you like to drink blood, let me hear you yell

Frankensteinberg, eat your heart out, DJ Jazzy Jeff

Frankensteinberg, October 31st -- not much time left

Tom loves it and thinks it ranks among Steinberg’s best. MCS is concerned that he has some references that may not be timeless, such as Eazy-E. Tom lets him go to attend to a customer at the Dollar Store, and MCS parts with his usual sign-off: "Tom rules".

Dr. Retarded gives "Frankensteinberg" two squeaks:

Also:

DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince - "Nightmare On My Street"

- Nervous Johnathan calls (starts at 1:34) and sounds like he’s about to pass out. He doesn’t want to give out a lot of details, but he is somewhere in New York. He lacks a Netflix account, but he’s still open to movie suggestions. Tom tells him that he has to have a queue in order to proceed. Johnathan starts whimpering and Tom gets rid of him for doing a voice that sounds like The Jerky Boys' nebbish Jew, Sol Rosenberg. Tom believes that they were the two least talented people on Earth, but was amazed that the one guy was still more talentless than the other guy. Kamal was pulling up the rear of the duo like some kind of Andrew Ridgeley. Tom thinks people just want to live their lives, not get yelled at on the phone by a guy threatening to hit them in the head with a ratchet for $75 and a free CD. Tom dares The Jerky Boys to prank him. He’ll steal the show on their prank by unleashing an audio tap dance. The Enemies List has grown: CBGB’s, Tower Records, Pete Seeger, Johnathan, and The Jerky Boys.

- Mike gives Tom (starts at 1:57) a list of his Netflix queue for his review:

* Fists in the Pocket

* Syrianna

* War Photographer

* Down to the Bone (starring The Departed’s Vera Farmiga as an alcoholic mother)

* Street Fight (Newark smackdown!)

* Kicking and Screaming (the Baumbach, not the Ferrell soccer movie)

* Infernal Affairs 1 and 2 (the Hong Kong source materials for The Departed)

* Footballers Wives s2 and s3

* Cobra Verde

* Fallen Angel (the Otto Preminger noir, not the Gram Parsons thing)

* Le Samourai

Tom thinks that Mike's queue suggests that he's auditioning for a job at Criterion, so he makes a few additions to lighten things up. He builds on Knowing Me, Knowing You with Clifford, which boasts one of cinema's greatest two-man games between Martin Short and Charles Grodin. Tom thinks that Short's work as a 10-year-old boy who torments Grodin deserved an Oscar. It's one of the most dominant performances he’s ever seen. Tom also recommends the 280-disc Eye Witness News: Complete Season 1 set. It includes every 6 p.m. and 11 p.m. Channel 7 newscast from that year. Mike last saw Animal House on television, so Tom throws that in in the mix, along with the essential Cannonball Run -- unbelievable from the first strains of the Chuck Mangione score to the end.

- Tom debuts (starts at 2:04) a segment based on the 1985 film Turk 182. In the interest of full disclosure, Tom has an extra affinity for the film because he recorded some New York voices for the video game. In the film, Jimmy Lynch (Timothy Hutton) goes on a crusade after his fireman brother Terry (Robert Urich) gets injured during an off-duty rescue. The Mayor will not cover his medical bills because he was not on the clock. Hutton starts doing graffiti attacks throughout the town to fight back against the system. Tom wants to know what injustices, evil, and negligence listeners want to Turk 182. This segment was dedicated to the little guys, but, sadly, it ended up being the least successful call-in segment in the show's history.

- A caller from Warwick, N.Y., says (starts at 2:07) he especially liked the Turk 182 finale with Hutton’s character on the Queensborough Bridge. That’s the part of the game (Level 10) that Tom voiced, giving some local color with lines like "This guy’s crazy! He's gonna get killed up there!" The caller mentions that his work as a photo assistant took him up to the Brooklyn Bridge with a naked girl from California. The caller thought Tom worked on the movie, but Tom tells him it was the video game that came out four years ago. It did not do very well. The caller likes Tom’s cantankerousness, which is lucky for him since he's about to get an s load of it. He recently reconnected with WFMU and says that he has friends all over the country that listen to the station via the Web. Tom accuses him of bragging. The caller denies it, saying that he’s barely employed so he meets a lot of people in his travels. Tom takes this as a plea for sympathy. The caller says he doesn’t want sympathy -- just love. Now Tom thinks he’s trying to score points by being funny.

The caller touts WFMU as one of the only true radio stations left. He grew up near Buffalo, which had free-form radio in the 1970s and early 1980s, but it’s all gone now. He asks about the bed music Tom is cranking behind him. Tom says it’s “Tom’s Theme”, which he recorded in his home studio with Darius Rucker. The caller reverts back to bragging by saying that he also has a home studio. Tom can’t get a handle on this human metronome. The caller thinks that this oscillation is what the show is about and starts kissing up by saying how much he likes it. Tom tells him that he can’t hire him to make him more employed. The caller claims that he once shot an aerial photo of the Magic Factory that appeared on the WFMU website. He sent it to Leon, who was running the station at the time. Tom informs the caller that the Mennen Corporation now runs the station. The caller doesn’t believe it. In fact, this segment is sponsored by the Gillette Ultra Sensor IV, the ultimate in shaving.

The caller was once entangled in some corporate stuff when he ran a Ben & Jerry’s "Scoopmobile" with a friend. This finally gets Tom to anoint him the best person ever. The caller quickly redirects the praise by asking for sympathy because he’s broke. The wants to know if Tom is the best or worst, but Tom says he’s just himself. This is what the caller likes about him. Tom then uses the word “jeepers”, which is part of his contract with Mennen. They will soon launch the Jeepers 3 child razor. The caller says that after Unilever bought Ben & Jerry’s, they put the kaybash on all the summer Scoopmobile fun, opting for the corporate fun of giving away ice cream in NYC. This was the first Scoopmobile that Ben & Jerry’s ever had, dating ack in 1979-1980 when crazy guys would drive it all the way to Florida (never going faster than 52 mph) to sell ice cream before returning to Vermont for the summer season.

The caller still doesn’t believe that WFMU was bought out by Mennen, but Tom says he can read all about it at http://www.mennen.com/wfmu. I heard that Mennen outbid Kern Pharmaceuticals by a mere $200k. The caller finds it very odd, but Tom says it’s just the world of business. The caller laments the fact that every cool enterprise is eventually snatched up by corporations. Tom does another ad for the Gillette Ultra Sensor IV, and the caller starts showing off again by saying that he uses an eight-blade razor that he made himself. Tom sends him to the FAQ section of the Mennen website to find out how he can send them his razor invention. Mike gives Tom the thumbs-down sign, indicating that it’s time to move on.

- Tom declares (starts at 2:18) the photo of Zach Braff on the cover of the new issue of Paste magazine to be the worst thing he's ever seen. That's all he had on that one.

- A caller offers (starts at 2:18) to help Tom out by Turk 182-ing some stuff. At first Tom rejects the pity, but he lets the caller go through with it. He wants to Turk 182 Paste, men who have sex with other men’s girlfriends, and spam filters that trap personal e-mails. Tom thinks the caller sounds more like the hard R of Taxi Driver than the PG Turk 182. He’s GOMPed.

- Tom discusses (starts at 2:20) the new issue of Trump magazine that he recently purchased. Tom can't wait to read the "Sucess Secrets" story of how Donald Trump, Jr. managed to achieve success. Tom reads the letter from The Donald:

I’ve said it often: Think Big and Live Large. These are words to live by, whether you’re just beginning your career or making the multi-million-dollar decisions. Thinking big has served the Trump brand well, not just in real estate, but in a strategically-diverse array of business products. My son, Don, Jr., understands the art of Thinking Big. Since coming onboard with the company full-time, he has proven himself competent, capable, and forward-thinking. In this issue, he shares with the magazine exactly what it means to love what you do. I could not be more proud of all that he’s accomplishing.

Tom: "I’m sure you wouldn’t have hired him if he wasn’t the best." Tom thinks the fact that he has Trump’s exact name likely gave him an advantage during the hiring process. Here's the real question: is Don, Jr. psychic??

This issue -- the best yet -- is packed with interviews and good advice on how to invest wisely, whether in art, real estate, or the right markets right now.

Tom doesn’t want his investment advice coming from magazine articles written six months ago.

After investing wisely, there’s the opportunity to invest in gentlemenly pursuits. A fine automobile is one such investment, and you’ll find the best luxury sedans in the market on page 38. I personally chose the Maybach as a gift for my beautiful wife, Milana, and I’m certain you’ll find something that reflects your own style.

Tom’s certain he might not.

Like everything else the Trump name is associated with, magazine symbolizes the best of both luxury and quality.

Tom didn’t see that much luxury and quality at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City a few weeks ago. Other than the new Borgata, it’s a given that the casinos are kinda dumpy. However, in a see of not-so-nice stuff, the Taj was the crown jewel dump with its worn purple carpet with visible footprints. Tom also sampled the buffet, which was kind of like the KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut joined forces to cater a half-acre of food. A bit later, Tom discussed a section of the magazine called "The Insider", which offered yacht-buying tips. Tom figures that those with with an extra $18 million for such a purchase would not need to consult a colossally stupid rag to complete the transaction. As Tom flips through the remaining pages, he discovers that it's essentially a parody of what rich people are supposed to be into: golf stuff (including an ad for The Golf Channel's The Big Break IV), cigars (and high-end lighters), Sotheby's, bourbon, truffles, and a travel guide for Monaco. The magazine has inspired Tom to get rich so he can have the worst taste in the world.

Trump also trots out his cliched movie picks: Swimming With Sharks, Wall Street, Boiler Room, Glengarry Glen Ross, and You're Soaking In Her. Sounds like somebody needs help with their queue.

- Pudge checks in (starts at 2:27) to ask Tom if he watches that show Trump had. Tom watched a lot of it in the beginning, but then stopped. Pudge watches it all the time, but he doesn't know if he's a fan of Donald Trump. Tom says he's perversely fascinated by him, and Pudge guesses that he might be as well. Pudge has watched every episode of The Apprentice, so Tom tells him that that makes him a Trump fan. Pudge wants to know why Tom is getting mad. Pudge saw The Departed the other day, and he thought it was OK. He thinks he might have liked the performance of Marky Mark Mark. He asks Tom if he likes him, and Tom thinks he can be a good actor in the right vehicle. Pudge is confused because he's not in any cars in The Departed.

Tom tells Pudge that he's draining the energy out of the show and his life. Pudge doesn't think he is. He does think that the Turkey movie sounds kind of cool and notes that Timothy Hutton was also in Taps. Pudge saw that six times in the theater and rented it the day it came out on video. However, he's still not sure if he likes it. Tom begs Pudge to have an opinion and not be afraid to voice it. Pudge begins moaning.

- Miland from South Carolina calls (starts at 2:31) to talk to Pudge because his ears are beginning to bleed. Miland says he's not a bright man, but he's brilliant compared to the show's callers. He just discovered the show tonight and now he's fearful for the future of America. The caller says it seems like only idiots listen to the show, and Pudge agrees. In fact, Pudge thinks Miland sounds like kind of an idiot. The caller loves the top-shelf free-form music, but can't make sense of The Best Show. He thinks WFMU is a great station except for the callers to this program. Pudge agrees that a lot of dummies call the show. Miland says he just moved to SC from the Jersey area, so Pudge wants to know what exit. He doesn't get a response. Miland is glad he discovered the station, but finds The Best Show audience to be quite sad. Pudge agrees, and this frightens Miland. He tuned in 10 minutes ago, anxious to hear the hott tunes he hears during the day. Pudge wants to know what kind of stuff he likes, and Miland says he likes the whatever-I-feel-like-playing format. This sets off an Abbott & Costello-y exchange:

Pudge: Wait, so you play on the radio, too?
Caller: Pardon?
Pudge: You have a show, too, on this station?
Caller: No, no, no. No, I was talking about the format of this station.
Pudge: What's your show called?
Caller: Pardon?
Pudge: What's your show called?
Caller: No, no. I don't have a show. I was talking about listening earlier today to your show on FMU.
Pudge: I don't have a show.
Caller: This is just turning into a bad situation. I'm going to hang up.
Tom: So you don't have a show?
Caller: I never said I had a show.
Tom: Oh, I misunderstood that also. I thought you were saying ...
Caller: No, no, I said that I listened earlier. I work from home...
Tom: Oh ...
Caller: ... and I recently discovered your program -- your station, rather.
Pudge: Wait, who did?
Caller: Pardon?
Pudge: Who did?
Caller: I did.
Pudge: Did what?
Caller: This is turning into a bad sketch.

Miland continues to explain that he was tuning around on his computer, punched in a Jersey zip code, and landed on WFMU, which he thought was wonderful compared to the other tripe that is on the air. Tom wants to know some of his favorite artists. Since he's a big WFUV guy, he's a fan of people like Alejandro Escovedo and Lucinda Williams. Then it starts agin:

Tom: And is that the type of stuff you play on your show on FUV?
Caller: No, no, I don't have a show. I'm just ...
Tom: No, I know you don't have a show on this station, but you said you had a show on FUV.
Caller: No, no, I said I used to list-
Tom: You used to have a show on FUV.
Caller: I've always and only have been a listener. I don't have a show. I said I listened. I apologize for the confusion.
Tom: Apology accepted.
Caller: Thank you.
Pudge: I accept it, too.
Caller: [Laughter] Anyway, I just wish you guys a good evening.
Tom: Ok, and when can we hear your show on FUV?
Pudge: Is it like a podcast?
Caller: [Laughter] It's on right now. Have a good night.
Tom: Wow, that's kinda rude, he just hung up.
Pudge: I don't like that either.
Tom: Very ill-mannered.

Lucinda Williams - "Drunken Angel"

- Nathan from the Columbus, Ohio-based Indieblockedapella calls (starts at 2:41) for his defining Smash or Trash moment. Nathan got his start by going all Bobby McFerrin to a Soupjam song, and he's been doing a cappella versions of mainly indie rock songs since November 2005. However, he sometimes tackles different styles, such as tonight's Jersey-centric selection: Bon Jovi's "Livin' On A Prayer". Here are the votes:

*Smash - "Total cheese, but brilliant."

*Smash - Loves the slavish attention to detail that still allows it to sound amateurish. Plus, he loves Todd Rundgren.

*Smash - Funniest thing he's heard in a long time.

*Trash - Let down because the intro lacked the drama of the original's vocoder effect.

*Smash - Loved the background.

*Trash - Closest he's come to turning off the show in a long time.

*Smash - He's also into the a cappella scene. Tom doesn't want to hear a sample.

*Smash - Liked the tour of the album while Tom found the Bon Jovi track.

*Smash - Trash until it got to the solo.

*Smash - Hasn't heard anything that good since Ssgt. Barry Sadler came out with Ballads of the Green Berets, which was right after he got back from 'Nam.

*Trash - "I thought all the munchkins were dead." The caller laughs at the zing he crafted in his joke lab.

*Smash - The trifecta: creative, clever, and it made him laugh.

*Trash - Reminds him of The Bops.

*Smash - Really enjoyable; overcame Nathan's unprofessional start by not knowing the correct track number.

*Trash - Tom tries to add some drama by doing a fake Trash vote.

*Trash - Made him yearn for Bobby McFerrin.

*Trash - Doesn't think anyone should "intimidate" a Bon Jovi classic.

*Trash - [No explanation]

*Smash - Cpt. Jack, who is smashed, puts this cat over the top.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: PBR threatens to Turk 182 all of Stink City, Hilly Kristal reveals his plans for making the Vegas toilets even more disgusting than they were in NYC, and concert promoting legend Ron Delsener calls to discuss bringing the rock back to Jersey City (rumored shows: week-long DC Snipers stint at the Flamingo Diner in November; Asia, Neil Diamond, and Wet Rat at the Loews Theater in December)

Sorry, Jesse. The people have spoken. Marty Short is always great.

Posted by Omar at 9:34 AM | Permalink | Comments

Who is this?

Posted by x amount at 9:45 AM | Permalink | Comments

Mistake.

Posted by x amount at 9:25 AM | Permalink | Comments

My next birthday party will be here. NERD IT UP.

Posted by x amount at 2:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

Keep paperwads in your neckpouch!

Posted by x amount at 1:35 PM | Permalink | Comments

Jesse's been hyping this troupe forever. The stuff he's played on the show has always been good. I suggest you subscribe to the new Kasper Hauser Comedy Podcast.

Posted by x amount at 4:45 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 4:33 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 4:29 PM | Permalink | Comments

"Oh, old records. They really are better. The old stuff really is better than the stuff these days." -- Tom, craving more of Collins and Harlan’s take on Irving Berlin’s "Tra-La, La, La!"

"I 'unno." -- Pudge, responding to anything

"Jane Krakowski is sass and brass." -- Billy, thrilled by the recasting on 30 Rock

"I have an inkling." -- Freddy, using his detective skills to guess the location and purpose of his trip to WFMU

"What happens down in South Jersey, stays in South Jersey." -- The Danielson family code of conduct

"Why youse guys take the party up to Stink City?" -- Philly Boy Roy, disappointed by the location of the festivities

“I don’t wanna get in trouble with my old album otter." -- Philly Boy Roy, declining to confirm his drug-dealing while working as a Drexel janitor

"Oh, they’re smokin’ -- literally. They smoke while they dance on youse." -- Philly Boy Roy on nem ladies at his son's favorite strip club

"Let’s take a forest, chop it up, dye it yellow, and then shoot it out of these canons on people. And then it’ll get swept away. Waa Waaah. Sorry, birds." -- Tom on the confetti-crazed The Flaming Lips

"That's called Elizabeth!" -- Tom giving a name to the olfactories Freddie smelled along the N.J. Turnpike

"The Hamster Dance is OK." -- August, finally warming to it

"I feel like I’m rotting from the inside. I really just feel like years are being shaved off my life as I sit here." -- Tom, prematurely aging thanks to Pudge

"I saw a beer here." -- Tom, documenting the debauchery

"Do I not have the same carnal cravings that you have?" -- Timmy von Trimble, trying to show that he's as human as anyone else

"I was buzzed the whole time. We all kinda was back then." -- Marky Ramone on generating two types of buzz circa Rock 'N Roll High School

"I got out halfway through Webelos. After that pinebox derby race, I was out!" -- Tom on his short-lived stint in the scouts

"I once bought the Best Of ELO album that didn't even have the one ELO song I liked." -- Freddy's deep, dark, Danielson family secret

“People think it’s condemned, but Panty Boys is still happening.” - Troy Dershman, still bringing it on Old Muffler Row

"No, come on, whaddya think I’m a pig?!" -- 418-pound Troy Dershman, taking umbrage at Tom’s suggestion that he weighed 420 pounds

"It's awesome!" -- Tom on marriage

[TBSOWFMU - 10/10/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Melvins - "Rat Faced"

( Click here to buy (A) Senile Animal)

Chavez - "Pentagram Ring"
Chavez - "The Guard Attacks"

( Click here to buy Better Days Will Haunt You)

Converge - "Lonewolves"

( Click here to buy No Heroes)

Slant 6 - "What Kind Of Monster Are You?"

( Click here to buy Soda Pop*Rip Off)

Beck - "New Round"

( Click here to buy the possibly hott The Information)

Bonus Track:

Danielson Famile - "Good News for the Pus Pickers"

( Click here to buy Fetch The Compass Kids)

Annotated highlights of a show with a lot less Joe Torre, a lot more Lou Pinella, and a van load of Danielsons:

- Evan from Providence calls (starts at 25:35) with some nice pep to say that he thinks the show is off to a good start thanks to Tom spinning The Thermals in his opening set. Before the Danielson craziness erupts, he wanted to inform card-carrying FOTs that he’ll be down in Bethesda, MD., for the Small Press EXPO. Tom’s been there, but he won’t be making it this weekend. Evan and some friends will have a little table called Dots For Eyes. Anyone who can produce their FOT card will get a free treat. Evan says it might not be worth the trek from North Jersey, but if you’re in another part of Maryland, Virginia, or Pennsylvania, you probably won’t regret it. While he didn't plug it during this call, Evan previously mentioned that his cartooning appears in AdHouse Books' Project: Romantic, which is being released this fall.

- Sam calls (starts at 27:41) from Nazareth, which he claims is the birthplace of Jesus. Wait. What?. He tries very hard to push Tom's buttons by saying that "Jan Starks" is a big bum because he missed all those jump shots in that playoff game. Other bums: Tommy Hanks and anyone involved in the produnction of The Big Lebowski. Tom thinks Sam sounds like Larry the Perv's little brother. Sam claims he doesn't know anyone by that name, but Tom GOMPs the little creep anyway.

- After last week's lethargy, Tom outlined some New Rules for callers. Sitting on the line like a narcotized Joe Torre gazing at yet another A-Rod K from the dugout will no longer be tolerated. You gotta have a topic, and you gotta have some energy. If you're feeling a bit groggy, splash a mere two-cents worth of water on your face and let it rip like Sweet Lou going on dirt-kicking tirade against an umpire. Tom has spoken. Disobey at your peril. Pudge, a 17-year-old from New Upper Westbridge, tests (starts at 28:42) the new policy by sleepily responding to Tom's question about what he wanted to talk about with what would quickly become his mantra: "I 'unno." Pudge asks Tom what he wants to talk about, but Tom tells him that he’s the one who called the show. Pudge doesn’t even know if he called. Tom says that Pudge represents exactly the kind of caller he can’t stand: taking up airtime without any agenda. Pudge asks what his agenda should be, and Tom suggests drumming up a topic. Pudge wants to know what the topic should be. Tom starts driving the bus by asking Pudge if he likes movies. He’s not sure, but he did see Talladega Nights. He doesn’t really know if he liked it, but says he guesses it was kinda funny.

He attends New Upper Westbridge High, but he's not sure how school's going. Tom doesn't understand how he couldn't know something like that, but it turns out that Pudge's epistemological confusion runs much deeper -- he isn't even sure what Tom means by "to know". Tom finds him infuriating, and Pudge wants to know why. Tom compares him to Spike, though Pudge is not sure if he's ever heard one of his calls to the show. Pudge tries to salvage the call with a request, but he doesn't know the song he wants to hear. He asks Tom for a recommendation. He wants to know what’s up with these guys coming to the studio. Tom tells him to listen and find out. Pudge’s response -- a predictable “I ‘unno” -- earns him a GOMP.

- Billy calls (starts at 31:42) and is quickly put on the defensive about still using that nickname at the age of 27. He says it works for him, but Tom says he will be the judge of that. Tina Fey and her new situation comedy, 30 Rock, are on his mind. Tom loved the original pilot, but then Rachel Dratch's role was recast (reducing RD to recurring minor parts, such as a cat wrangler) with a woman from Ally McBeal. Not Calista. Not Lucy. Jane Krakowski. Tom doesn't seem thrilled about it, but Billy looooooooves Jane's "sass and brass". He's very excited by the prospects of 30 Rock toppling Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and doesn't think it can lose with a lead-in like Lithgow, even though it actually precedes Twenty Good Years, which stinks.

Tom wonders if he’s a network programmer courting ad revenue for NBC. He isn’t, but he wishes he was. So does Tom because he would do a lot of good for people who still call themselves "Billy" as adults. He thinks Tom is being too harsh and gives him the go-ahead to call him Bill if it makes him happier. Tom refuses -- it’s too late, he’s a Billy. He tells Tom to deal with it. Mike the Associate Producer thinks "Billy" has more sass and brass, and Billy agrees that it projects a Fey-and-Krakowski-like spirit. Tom thinks he sounds like Spike’s nephew and orders him to say “Heeeelllloooo, Tom”. The first attempt lacks proper Spike creepiness, but then he amps up the sass and brass. Tom’s startled. He doesn’t like Billy.

- Pudge is back (starts at 35:12) to say that he thought the Billy call was weird. He thought that maybe Tom wanted him to call again, but he doesn’t know if Tom actually made such a request. He does want to know what Tom thinks about that show about the Sunset Strip. Tom thinks it’s awful, which sets Pudge on a "whaaaaat?", thought it's considerably muted compared to the varieties unleashed by some other callers to the show. At this moment, a blindfolded Little Freddy Danielson is being led into the studio. The Magic Factory is about to be crawling with Danielsons. Pudge isn’t sure if he’s excited about the grand entrance, but he guesses he’ll continue listening to the show. He hangs up before Tom has a chance to GOMP him for the second time.

- Freddy is coming down the hall (starts at 36:51), ignorant of his surroundings. A door creaks open and Tom welcomes him. He asks him if he knows where he is, and Freddy says he got an inkling during the hour-plus trek. Along the way, he tried to pull a Skag Winesack by using his nose to detect a lot of peculiar odors in certain pockets of the road. He also noticed that the road crews were not taking proper care of the bumpy terrain. His sleuthing skills led him to correctly believe that he was heading north from Philadelphia en route to northern Jersey. Tom says he can’t take off the blindfold until he gets home, but then he changes his mind. The blindfold is off. Tom asks Freddy if he knows why he’s here. He also has an inkling about that. Tom wonders if he gets paid every time he says "inkling". He does, and since he's only said it twice, he needs to say it a lot more to increase his overall payout. His compensation is $1/inkling, often referred to in the words-for-hire industry as DPI (Dollars Per Inkling).

Freddy is getting married in two weeks, so he has in fact arrived at his debaucherous Danielson bachelor party. Freddy notes that it’s strange for a 12-year-old to be married, and he expected the decision to be controversial. Tom says that's his business and will not get involved in how things are done in the Smith household. He suspects they may be operating by a different set of envelope-pushing rules, such as the Vegasy "What happens down in South Jersey, stays in South Jersey." Freddie recounts the Old School-style pick-up in which a scary white van arrived as he left work. His family members threw him in the van and immediately applied the blindfold. Tom wonders if this is a dream come true, and Freddie is so thrilled that he fears he will faint. Before starting the exciting festivities, Tom wants to settle into the evening by asking Freddie what tune he wants to hear. Tom had already pulled the Neurotic Reactions comp, which happens to be Freddie’s favorite CD. He picks cut #3, which was just the Mod Psych Freak Rock Smasher Tom had already initialed! The multi-talented Freddie could apparently challenge Roy Ziegler, Jr. in a psychic-off.

- Philly Boy Roy calls (starts at 51:13) because he thinks Roy, Jr. is in the studio. Tom informs him that it's Freddy from the Danielson Family, and PBR is relieved. He thought maybe Roy, Jr. was getting married because it sounded just like him. Freddy points out that everyone in Philly is family in a way. PBR agrees, but he’s a little disappointed that the Danielsons took the party up to Stink City. The family originally hails from South Jersey and Freddy now lives in Philly, so clearly the bachelor party should not have been held in northern New Jersey. Freddie isn’t sure what comparable local station could have hosted such an event. PBR suggests Drexel’s WKDU or UPENN’s WXPN Freddie nixes both. PBR used to clean up at WKDU, earning the nickname “Dr. Mop”. PBR wasn’t a student, and based on his recent behavior, Tom guesses that he sold drugs to students. PBR doesn’t want to say nothing that’s gonna incriminate him since he doesn’t want to get in trouble with his old “album otter”. Tom is not sure what that term means, so PBR calls him a Philadummy.

Tom wants PBR to spell it, and he confirms that it’s like a record album followed by an otter. Tom’s never heard it before, so PBR directs Freddy to school him on the topic. Tom wonders if that is indicative of a Drexel education, and Freddie says it’s about the best thing he learned there. PBR thinks Freddy shoulda gone to Phillies on Cuthbert Street. PBR learned about the strip joint place where you go to unwind from Roy, Jr. Tom notes that he’s only 13, but PBR calls him a dunce because he’s actually 15. Tom thinks he may be 14, so they are both off a year. PBR thinks he seems older, and Tom agrees that his son acts like a full-grown adult. While PBR touts it as a nice place to unwind, it can apparently also be dangerous because nem ladies are literally smokin' -- they smoke while they dance on youse. PBR and Roy, Jr. got burnt by one of their cigars. Tom’s horrified that these ladies smoke cigars and that PBR brought his son to a gentlemen’s club. PBR says that Roy, Jr. brought him since he hadn’t even heard of the place before.

PBR says that Roy, Jr. woulda totally set the Danielsons up as well if he knew they were in the market for a bachelor party venue. He’s a big fan of the band, although he thinks their 2001 release, Fetch the Compass Kids, is kinda bad and weak. However, he does like the hott new record, Ships. Tom isn't sure if Roy, Jr.’s enjoyment of the newer stuff means the band is headed in the right or completely wrong direction. PBR says Roy, Jr. goes around humming “Bloodbook On The Halfshell” all day. When he wants to really get PBR mad, he sings "Good News for the Pus Pickers” from Compass. PBR doesn’t like it one bit -- it rubs him the wrong way. PBR doesn’t think the band should be singing about that. They should be singing about nem 4-1 Eagles (now 4-2 after going down to the Saints this past Sunday).

Before he goes, PBR wants to impart something to Freddy: “A marriage ain’t something to be entered into lightly. There’s a lot of give and take. Like take me, I give, give, give, and Rhoda takes, takes, takes.” For example, PBR gives, gives, gives, and Rhoda takes, takes, takes. Tom wants to know if he can reveal what he’s giving. PBR starts giggling and says that what he’s giving is free … in some circles. At Phillies, it sometimes cost a little money. PBR highly recommends hiding all valuables and “secret items” in the backyard in a hole under a rock. Tom wants to know why it’s necessary to hide anything from one’s wife. PBR says because then she’ll never know about it -- “sometimes a guy’s just gotta hide some stuff.” IIn PBR’s case, this means stuff like s mags. A lot of them. Tom doesn’t even want to go there and hears Mike the Associate Producer laughing in the hallway. PBR wants to know what’s so funny and declares that “youse guys don’t get it.”

Tom asks for any final advice for young Freddie, and PBR tells him to never leave Philly and thinks he already made a huge mistake by going to NJ. Freddie assures him that he can’t wait to get back home. Upon his return, PBR promises to fix him a wedding hoagie at Wawa: lots of provolone, lots of tuna, and olives. Tom doesn’t like what he hears and there are some other titters from the studio. PBR notes the response from the “Peanut Gallery”. Freddie asked if a figurine sits atop the hoagie, so PBR assumes that he’s seen one before. PBR wonders if he saw it at the Wawa on 11th and Arch. He’s currently working at the Roosevelt Boulevard location, where he’s been doing all the shifts lately. Tom thinks this sounds like Taxi Driver, but with a Wawa. The nonstop hours started ever since PBR met this German guy from up Tom’s way. Tom’s pretty sure he knows him. He looks like Rutger Hauer, but with a black mustache and blond hair. He’s also really short -- PBR estimates his height at about 4’ 10”. It’s Newbridge menace Werner, who PBR hears him knocking on his window. PBR starts getting nervous because he owes him for something. Werner recently took him on a “SEPTA run”, and PBR thinks the Danielson crew will know what he’s talking about. Tom doesn’t get it. PBR gives him a hint by asking what the SEPTA mass-transit trains run on. Freddy says “tracks”, but PBR had a different term in mind: rails.

PBR gives Freddyhis best and wants him to "keep it Philly". He goes out by singing a bit of The Hooters’ "And We Danced”, which he hopes Freddy will play on his wedding day. Tom found the serenade oddly touching. Freddy says it means a lot to get wedding wishes from PBR.

We're not sheep!: Three members of a Drexel fraternity not bonding with each other or forming friendships

- It's time (starts at 1:01) for proper introductions for all the guests who are honoring Freddy (I hope they were all wearing their uniforms):

* Jedediah, Freddy's brother-in-law, married to his sister, Megan. He called during the 8/8/06 show primarily to promote the podcast, which the band so greatly enjoyed while on tour. However, Wayne Coyne also ordered him to hype the upcoming Lips shows in NYC. The band had only sold 13,991 tickets, so they wanted to ensure that the last nine tickets sold to fill the Hammerstein Ballroom to capacity. The band was worried that they might not be able to splurge on their 25th confetti machine. Confetti is not cheap, especially considering the volume that is sprayed into the crowd at each show. [Cue image of Coyne, Ivins, and Drozd backstage jamming trees into a woodchipper a la Gaer Grimsrud in Fargo] Tom questions the value of chopping up an entire forest, dyeing it yellow, and then shooting it out of canons onto people. After the show, it all gets swept away. The real losers: birds.

* Megan, the younger of Andrew’s two sisters. Rachel, the older sister, is in San Diego.

* Daniel, the leader of the gang, the big brother, the whipcracker. He organized the party, and he can’t believe that Freddy had the blindfold on for an hour and 45 minutes. Freddy said the family members concocted a medley of weak attempts to throw him off, such as commenting on picturesque mountains, hoping that Freddy had his bathing suit with him and suggesting the possibility of skiing (it was not clear if this was a cocaine reference). Meanwhile, Freddy was pretty certain that the mountains didn’t smell like a chemical production plant. Tom says that it’s the odor of bastion of industry, Elizabeth, N.J., which produces all of the fine household chemicals that we love. Freddy didn’t bother with repeated queries about what was happening, content in knowing that the journey would eventually reach some destination that would not result in his Earthly demise.

* David, Freddy's brother. He said that they considered subjecting Freddy to an Edward Forty-Hands while in the van. The Tim Burton-inspired act involves duct-taping a 40 oz. bottle of malt-style liquor to each hand, thus making simple tasks like urination impossible until one bottle is consumed. Freddy introduced them to the game, which he discovered at Drexel. Tom’s horrified by the frat house shenanigans. Freddy was not a member of a fraternity, but he learned about the abject cruelty of their activities via some people he knew who did a lot of dumb things. This allowed Freddy to laugh at their tomfoolery from a safe distance. Tom argues that he missed out on all the bonding and friendships that blossom within the houses. Freddy heard nothing about the friendships and doubts that any were formed in the Drexel fraternities. He believes that they all hated each other and just drank a lot.

* Betty, Dave’s girlfriend. Tom wonders when Betty might become an official member of the Danielson family and necessitate another bachelor party. Daniel speculates that their mom will call to join in with Tom’s line of questioning. When Dave went on a shopping trip to buy Andrew’s suit for the wedding, he was getting the same thing the entire time. He had to resort to changing the subject to topics like the weather and potential dining plans.

* Chris, director of the hott new Danielson video for “Did I Step On Your Trumpet?” The single-shot approach is kinda like the OK Go treadmill video, but not horrible. Chris was oblivious to that clip until the day he picked up the camera. The guy pulled out a fancy tripod, but Chris didn’t need it because it was just a single take. He then showed him the OK Go video, and he was crushed. Tom assures him that nobody needs to watch guys run on treadmills in that stupid video. Chris built the tracking sytem and also made the sets in his parents basement, cutting and painting plywood. Tom declares him the Michel Gondry of South Jersey.

Hamsterdam: August's friend demonstrates the mysterious dance. Lose the pigtails, son.

- August calls (starts at 1:09) to note the irony of Tom describing the kind of call he would hate, followed by Pudge delivering a replica of such a call. Tom and Freddy want to know if he has any opinions on the upcoming nuptials or wisdom on love. August says he can’t offer much on those topics since he’s only 13. Then again, Freddy is only 12. Tom asks about possible dances for the wedding, and August whispers that he doesn’t know any. Tom thought he remembered August telling him that he liked The Hampster Dance. August thinks he remembers saying that Tom has been falsely accusing him of that so much that he basically gave up disputing it. Tom wore him down. Since it’s easier to just say that he likes it, Tom wants August to say “I like The Hamster Dance, Tom.” August won’t go that far, but does say, “The Hamster Dance is OK.” Tom takes this as a sign that he’s warming up to it. Tom disagrees -- he’s not a fan. Freddie says that he and his fiancee are going to skip ballroom dancing and take lessons on The Hamster Dance for the first dance at their wedding reception. Tom asks August if Freddy could hire him as teacher to learn the dance. August can’t take him on as a pupil because he lacks the knowledge, but his friend studied the lyrics and unlocked the secret to the dance. August says he will contact his friend and have him call to perform the song. Unfortunately, this never happened.

- Pudge wants to talk (starts at 1:12) to the girl who just called about the call he did. Tom tells him that it was a little boy. Pudge still doesn’t know what’s up, although he has been able to determine that a band is in the studio and one of its members is getting married. Tom asks him if he wants to say anything to Freddy. Pudge says he wants to say something, but asks Tom what he should say. Tom wants to know why he’s calling if he has nothing to say. He said he heard August mention him so he thought he should call back. Pudge wants Tom to play a song for him, but he still hasn’t come up with one. Pudge isn’t sure what kind of music he likes and wants to know what kind of stuff Danielson plays. Daniel describes it as “jangly, squeaky music with stops and starts”. Tom wants to know what bands Pudge likes or an album he has purchased. Pudge says he bought a Beatles album. Danielson says they -- like many bands -- sound like The Beatles, but Pudge isn’t sure if he still likes The Beatles. Pudge admits that he really just wanted to say hello. Tom is losing patience with his calls, which make him feel like he's rotting from the inside and having years shaved off his life. Pudge says he’ll talk to Tom later.

- Mike retrieves (starts at 1:15) the giant bachelor cake. Freddy speculates foul play, but Tom says he’s not some kind of monster. There is speculation that Spike will jump out of the cake to offer some pre-marital discipline ("Heeeelllloooo, Freddy. Don't forget to play some Del Vikings at the ceremony."), but luckily it does not happen. Freddy says the cake is filled with the much more desirable strawberry mousse, although it was not clear if this was the actual cake filling or just some random mention of a Spike alternative. The fun is temporarily derailed by Tommert’s Joe Torre impression, which elicits a sigh from Tom. Tommert scolds him for being tired, but Tom thinks Tommert is the one who’s on the verge of sleep. Tommert claims he’s fully awake. If so, he’ll be able to do something else because he gets GOMPed

- Robert is curious (starts at 1:16) about whether the Danielson clan is a cult or a band. The consensus is a little bit of both. (I think Tom should have them play at his house as counter-programming to Keith Kincaid's Fun Fair). Robert thinks this is the most wholesome bachelor party he’s ever heard, but the family is secretly evil. Tom spots a keg on its way, and he’s already seen a beer (being split amongst the family), indicating that crazy time explosions are ahead. Robert suggests that he could come down to the studio and bring a Pin the Tail on the Donkey kit (the family did bring Monopoly) and organize some “night games”, which he defines as what nerdy teenagers do. Tom says that they are all going on a snipe hunt later. Robert wonders if there will be any live Danielson music, but Tom says he’ll have to make do with the records.

Robert gets Freddy to reveal his real age -- it’s 23. Freddy says people give him crap for it, and Tom wants to know why. Freddy responds with a Pudgelike “I ‘unno.” He elaborates to say that some people think he should wait until he’s 48 to wed. Robert asks Freddy if his wife-to-be is really The One. Freddy says she is, and the early matrimony gives him longer to enjoy her company. Robert continues to press and asks about their plans for children. Tom says they will have some kids within two months. Freddy points out that another benefit of getting married young is that you can have 18 children during your lifetime to expand the franchise and create Danielson Mach II. Robert finally goes too far by asking about the Danielson policy on pre-marital sex. Tom tells him to shut up and sends him on his way.

- Nickel Jerry from L.A. calls (starts at 1:19) with Crameresque enthusiasm, but Tom isn’t sure if he wants this kind of caller. His “Heeeeeeeeeeello, Tom” was actually an impression of callers to the Tom Leykis programe. Tom points out that a major difference between him and the other radio Tom is that Leykis is not on in the tri-state area because he bombed hard there. NJ and Tom agree that the misogynistic Leykis is the worst. NJ says that Leykis would probably advise Freddy not to get married, despite the fact that he’s been married 11 times. He was also once arrested on charges of domestic abuse. NJ offers his congrats to Freddy and hopes he’ll be married for 30 years before getting a divorce in his early 50s.

- Timmy von Trimble calls (starts at 1:21) to say what a great night this is and apologize for not being there to pop out of the cake. His dad wouldn’t let him go, and then he had a problem getting his Hot Wheels car started. He got frustrated, threw up his hands ("Screw it!"), and decided to watch television. Timmy asks Tom if Jericho is on tonight. It actually airs on Wednesdays, and Tom says it doesn't look so hott. Timmy liked the pilot and thinks Skeet Ulrich is kinda hunky, not that he's into "that scene."

Timmy wishes he could be there and thinks it’s so cool that Freddie is getting married. Tom distills the Timmy story, citing his two-inch height and his appearance as a lab creation by his geneticist parents. Timmy thinks Tom is making it sound cold and asks if he’s not flesh and blood like anyone else. He also points out that he has the same carnal cravings that everyone has. Timmy thinks Freddy knows what he’s talking about. Tom wants to know how Timmy goes about meeting other two-inch companions to satisfy these desires. Timmy says he pretty much meets them online by constructing a backdrop to create the illusion that he’s a heighted person. However, he never actually goes out and meets the people he talks to online. It’s sad because they end up not wanting to meet him because of his text messages. Tom wants to know what these texts are, and this leads Timmy to what he wanted to ask next.

He asks Tom to dedicate Norse Savage's touching ballad, “‘Til Death Do Us Part”, to the happy couple. Timmy assures Tom that it’s a love song -- it’s about a man’s love for his race. Tom has to hang up on him because that kind of malarkey is not tolerated. Timmy is oblivious to any problems with what he said. While it's highly unlikely that Freddy and the Danielson family want to hear racist balladry on the Big Day, I would urge them to consider a couple of Newbridge bands that are now offering their services for weddings -- the underrated Sister Sheila, and my personal favorite, I-Ron's Reggae Challenge. I recommend avoiding The Gas Station Dogs. They played a wedding in Old Southbridge last month and there was an "incident" involving fontman Barry Dworkin and several bridesmaids. And the groom. An article in the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald called the event "truly sick."

The Other Pudge: Despite a 2006 salary of $10,616,410, Ivan Rodriguez cannot afford a decent cell phone

- Pudge Rodriguez from the Detroit Tigers calls (starts at 1:25) from the dugout just after blasting a home run against the Oakland A’s in Game 1 of the ALCS. He thinks Tom is being too hard on the other Pudge, and Tom briefly falls into a boring coma. Freddy points out that Pudge apparently can’t afford a good cell phone, but Pudge claims that bad cell phones are his style. Tom GOMPs him, suspecting it was really Fred, the chameleonic troublemaker, adding to his stable of characters. Freddy notices Tom’s dump button and describes it to listeners. It’s like those red nuclear buttons encased within a shield with Tom’s finger hovering over it as he lifts up the safety, poised for a dismissal. At this point, Evan, the new DJ who is taking over the 11p.m. - 2 a.m. slot, stops by to congratulate Freddy. Tom gives the go-ahead to treat the rookie like garbage as part of his hazing ritual.

- Tommert calls back (starts at 1:28) after waking up and getting a little boost. Splash of cold water on his face? No. He took another hit of the ganja. Freddy wonders if he also did a SEPTA run, which seems likely since Tommert’s increased pep suggests a rail more than a tuff puff. Tommert gives Tom an opportunity to display the mechanics of a dump.

- Sonny, the director of Danielson: a Family Movie Danielson movie, calls (starts at 1:29) to congratulate Freddy and reluctantly promote his movie. After listening to the first half of the show, Sonny feels the family is opening up and being more natural around Tom than they were during the filming of the documentary. Freddy explains that they were made for radio. Sonny points out that in a sense they’ve had Tom in their lives via The Best Show longer than him. Sonny says the film will have a limited theatrical run in 10 cities starting in mid-December before bowing on DVD in April. As a fan of the film, Tom thinks he’s soft-selling it and offers a more open-ended marketing plan. You first tell the audience that it’s coming to theaters for a one-week engagement. After that, nobody knows what will happen, and it will not likely be released on DVD. Now everybody flocks to the theaters in what may be their only chance to see it. After its theatrical run, you put it out a VHS or a bare-bones DVD with bad sound. After everyone scoops it up, then you drop the news of the Special Collector’s Edition DVD. Sonny loves it.

Tom’s strategy is certainly becoming the norm in the DVD trade with studios asking for double-, triple-, and quadruple-dipping from consumers. Didn't snag the 10th anniversary Reservoir Dogs? Don't worry, here comes the 15th -- and it looks like Mr. Blond's gasoline can! The king of multiple editions is, of course, The Evil Dead trilogy, which now boasts 58 different DVD versions. My favorite is the Evil Dead II: You’re In The F**kin Movie Now! Edition. I was skeptical, but I popped that sucker in and sure enough, Omar’s helpin’ Ash attach that chainsaw. Groovy.

Sonny says that Freddy keeps his emotions in check, but he knows that it is very exciting for him to be honored on The Best Show. The family introduced Sonny to the show, and he has fond, blurry memories of driving around in the van in a jetlagged haze while tapes of The Best Show sent everyone into laughing fits. Tom doesn't think this sounds like a particularly appealing van ride. Freddy asks Tom if that’s what he does, but Tom never listens to his own shows because he lives it as it buzzes around his head all day long. The show is his only outlet let some of it escape into the world. Sonny ends the call by discussing his idea to position the film as a soothing break from the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping and an opportunity celebrate the season with the Danielson family. Tom hopes that the ship hasn't left the dock because it could use a reconfig, such as setting a limit of 4 tickets per person to create a weird panic in certain gullible enthusiasts. Sonny starts getting the hang of Tom's approach by suggesting a limit of 10 DVDs per person to boost sales. He offers Freddy a Mazel Tov and goes off into the ether.

- Marky Ramone calls (starts at 1:35) to support Tom's marketing ideas because when Rock ‘N Roll High School came out, they used a two-ticket limit. It totally worked by creating a buzz. Marky seems to be using a different definition of buzz because he notes that he and the rest of the band were always buzzed back then. Marky said the earlier chatter about rails brought back some memories, but he don’t do that stuff no more. Marky is hard at work on Lady Wainsworth’s Desires IV in his rehearsal space, but he wanted to call to offer his congrats to a fellow sticksman. Freddy wants to know what kind of drum slippers Marky uses. He uses Dave Weckl kickers, which he just calls "Weckls". Freddy uses an off-brand rip-off of those. Back in the day, Marky would go onstage with his Chuck Taylors, and then while out of view from the audience, he’d switch them out for the Weckls for the duration of the set. For the encore, he’d have the Chucks on again.

Tom encourages the shop talk and guesses that Marky uses a 7a jazz stick. Marky uses his Marky Ramone Pro-Mark model. The Danielsons just buy the 40-pack of Guitar Center sticks, which all break during the course of one show. Marky has no need to shop there since he has deals with Pearl and Paiste; the Danielsons use old Zildjian cymbals. Marky is not impressed and might have to terminate the call soon. Freddy asks Marky if he wants to sponsor them, and while he can’t, he is willing to take them to school with a little “Teenage Lobotomy”. Tom wants Marky’s opinion of bands with two drummers. He liked Adam & the Ants, but wasn’t that into the Allman Brothers or .38 Special. Tom notes that the latter two bands were family bands as were The Ramones. Marky points out that they wasn’t related, calling Tom a dummy. Tom says he knew that, but Marky still believes that he needs to go back to rock school under his tutelage. Marky bangs out some of “Teenage Lobotomy” and hangs up.

- Tom wants to play (starts at 1:40) some fun getting-to-know-you games by way of The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted by relationship guru Dr. Gary Chapman. Freddy is frightened by the book, and while Tom doesn't normally judge people by their appearance, he doubts if Doc Chapman would ever be able to secure a spouse. Tom gives Freddy paper and a pencil to fill out some lists based on the Q&A section at the back of the book. Tom storms out of the gate with a request for weaknesses of his spouse, but he abandons the questionnaire on the grounds that it would be torture for Freddy to actually respond.

Tom proposes "Danielson Family Secrets", a game in which everyone writes down a dark secret (preferably shocking to boost ratings) that Tom will read aloud so they can guess its author. While the Danielsons ready their confessions, Tom mentions a disturbing Myspace Friend request he got from Mail Me One Dollar. Freddy thinks one would have to be put under a spell to actually take the time to mail this guy $1. Plus, this guy could just get in on Freddy’s turf and earn some quick cash by saying “inkling” all the live-long day. Tom thinks this is an example of what is wrong with the Intronet. Tom mocks his 9/14/06 blog post celebrating the arrival of his first dollar and is comforted by the fact that nearly a month has elapsed since his first score. Tom doubts that someone who has a computer really needs $1. Tom got another financial friend request from Money For Nothings, an initiative started by two self-proclaimed “meatheads” in Kennesaw, GA, trying to avoid middle-class poverty. Tom clicks on their credit card link and lands on their Paypal portal. He does not contribute to their cause.

Tom gets the entries and shakes them up to further obscure their identity:

1. "I used to hang out in the local cemetery in high school." MEGAN ("It was very quiet there.")

2. "When I was little, I secretly returned a neighbor's Wiffle ball bat, and when I realized how easy it was to secretly return it, I stole it back." CHRIS

3. "I often write with pens in library books." JEDEDIAH. Tom tells him that they aren't his books, but he rationalizes it by saying that he doubts anyone else will check out the books he's defacing. He apologizes to the library.

4. "I fainted at my Eagle Scouts ceremony." DANIEL. He was so nervous that he didn't eat all day. Chris says his introduction into the scouting world was through the Smith family. He didn't realize how seriously some families took it and describes the Eagle Scout ceremony as cult-like -- the lights dim, the crowd becomes solemn, and the voice of the Great Eagle booms out of the PA. Tom got out halfway through Webelos, finished off by a pine box derby race.

5. "I drank all of Megan's beer last Christmas, and denied it when asked." DAVID. He was faced with mediocre beer and then found a four-pack of Guinness. He poured it into non-see-through pint glasses to hide it. Megan demands a replacement purchase tonight.

6. "I once bought the Best Of ELO album that didn't even have the one ELO song I liked." FREDDY. He was looking for "Fire On High". Tom says this is not a proper confession -- it's just something that happened. Some argued that admitting to buying an ELO album qualifies, but Tom likes the band.

Tom wants to hear about Freddy's day job as a business analyst who stares at spreadsheets and deals with technology and the health care industry. Freddy finds it too boring to talk about, but does find it somewhat interesting in practice. Freddy thinks his dream job may be Ping pong professional by day, and rock star by night. Tom thinks his table tennis dreams need to be expelled from his system prior to getting married.

- Vito, the Minister who will officiate Freddy's wedding, calls (starts at 2:26) to make sure that everything at the party is aboveboard. Freddy assures him that it is, and Tom wonders if this is some kind of stunt wedding. Freddy says they first tried to get Don Vito, but ended up with this other Vito. Vito did his best to consult with Freddy to make sure he was ready, but he was alarmed and startled to find out about the bachelor party. He felt compelled to tell Freddy that he was praying for him and the hope that everything ends up going well tonight. Tom thinks Vito has just thrown a wet blanket on the event. Freddy says that Vito was actually pretty far down their list, and they ultimately settled for him due to some budget constraints. Vito doesn’t mind the abuse because he believes he brings it upon himself. Tom dubs him Fredo Danielson.

Sweet to taste, saccharine: You got the peaches, Troy Dershman got the cream

- Troy Dershman, Tom’s high school nemesis, checks in (starts at 2:19) for the first time in over five years with a typical greeting: “Still playing that terrible music, huh?". Tom says he hates him. Troy wants Tom to relive the torment he put him through at Newbridge High (class of ’86) by telling everyone who scored 3 TDs against Tribridge. It was Troy, who even remembers that it occurred on November 17th. Tom wasn’t on the team, but he announced it over the PA system until Troy and the boys filled the PA cone with eggs. Troy did so many bad things to Tom, that he has blocked many of them from his memory. Troy says this was how kids behaved then, and they still do. Troy doesn’t think he did anything wrong, and he has passed the bullying torch to Butch, his 12-year-old son. Troy hides behind trees when he’s at school, on his way home, and playing football so he can watch him do the same things to his friends.

Troy tells Freddy that he hopes his marriage turns out better than his thing with high school paramour Sheila, who couldn’t deal with any of his proclivities. Tom wants Troy to expound a little bit, but Troy doesn’t think any of it is suitable for the airwaves. In short: he dabbles. Troy doesn’t see how one can be a faithful husband in the 2000s. Tom thinks you simply do it, but Troy says that is impossible if one runs around in his circles. Tom doesn’t think he should run in those circles, and Troy thinks Tom should take Freddy’s jock off and throw it on the roof. Freddy is wearing a jock, but Tom won’t do it. Troy thinks Tom should at least make him eat a urinal cake. Troy claims he made Tom eat one, but Tom denies it. Either way, Tom will not make Freddy do it. Troy wants Freddy’s face shoved in the toilet. Tom won’t do that either because Freddy is a nice guy who doesn’t deserve to be picked on.

Tom wants to know what Troy gets out of being bully. Troy was hoping to earn $27 by coming down to the studio to dance. Troy is going through a rough patch and is currently dancing for money at Panty Boys on Old Muffler Row. Tom didn’t even know that street was still open. Troy says there are no lights there anymore and there are cones put up suggesting that it's condemned, but Panty Boys is still open for business. Troy lowers his rate to $24, but Tom is still not interested in his services. The last time Troy called, he was doing some landscaping for their old coach and living with Craig, Gary, Vaughn, and Mike from the football team. They had a falling out after a big fight over a bag of Cheetos. Troy ended up killing Vaughn by placing a bag of Cheetos somewhere on his person. Not up top. Down below. Tom wants to know how he died, but Troy doesn’t think Tom really wants to know. Tom doesn’t even know what he’s talking about. Troy says the bag of Cheetos were used like a suppository.

Troy did a couple months of jail time, but it turned out that the prosecuting attorney was in cahoots with Judge Montgomery Davies. Troy thinks they might have been an item, and he's glad that he got off as a result. However, he quickly returned to his murderous ways by killing Gary in sort of an accident. Their moped licenses got revoked after they ran into each other and then some other people during a game of Chicken in the parking lot during the implosion of The Vet. Troy says that he would need half an hour to detail all the people they hit. Troy thought it would be funny if he enclosed Gary in a Port-o-John and smashed into it with his moped. Troy wants Tom to define “kill”. Tom says that it means that Gary is not alive as a result of Troy hitting him with the moped. Troy agrees that his act falls under the kill banner, but asks Tom not to judge him. Since the rules remains the same as they were in ’86, Troy is the one who judges Tom. Only the coaches can judge Troy, and since Coach Fannel died from old age, he is forever free from rebuke in a kind of bonus round of life. Tom thinks that’s fantastic, and Troy detects some sarcasm, which he doesn't like.

Troy wants Freddy to reach over and slap Tom in the face. Freddy doesn’t want to do it because Tom is a large man. Troy says he’s also large and wants Tom to guess the amount of weight now attached to his 6’ 2” frame. After a lengthy series of escalating guesses, Tom hits 420, which prompts an outraged Troy to ask if Tom thinks he's some kind of pig. Troy weighs a mere 418 lbs. He's still on his shift at Panty Boys, where he's summoned to the stage by the sounds of Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me”. He requires help getting up and then starts peeling his sweats off. He needs two hands to complete the task, so he has to let Tom go. He warns Tom that if he ever sees him coming, he should walk quickly away. Tom thinks he’ll have plenty of time to escape since Troy weighs 418. Troy thinks he may have just gained a pound from eating too many Peanut Chews. Troy tells Freddy that he will also come after him if he screws up his marriage. Troy slaps them both and leaves Tom with a “screw you”.

- Christine and Carly from San Francisco's Finest Dearest (they also somehow managed to get on Myspace) call (starts at 2:32) for Smash or Trash. Since they are female callers, it's obviously a pre-arranged call. They intended for Tom to play “We’re Making a Sound 1” from their forthcoming 7”, but it’s showing up as a 1:08 track on Tom’s player. He thinks it was burned to the wrong format. He tells them that they play COMPACT discs at the radio station; it’s not iTunes. Faced with the quandary, they consider a track from last year’s Pacemaker EP (featuring two people no longer in the band), but Tom works his magic and gets the desired track to play on the computer. Tom wonders if he will miss out on fun with Danielson by doing the Smash or Trash now, but Freddy gives the greenlight. Tom then adopts Freddy for a ventriloquist act in which he changes his mind and calls everyone in San Francisco stupid. Tom confirms that it’s not San Fran toilet mouth music and plays the track. The band is a bit scared that they will be judged by music professionals, and Freddy takes a shot at them by suggesting he could help them burn a CD. Freddy ultimately recused himself from the voting because his opinion would wield too much power.

The votes:

* Smash. The song reminded him of a more melodic Slant 6.

* Smash. He liked the vocals, guitars, and the chords.

* Smash. She liked the “cool girl singer” and also wants to know what kind of cake was served. Finest Dearest say it was a urinal cake, but that’s not accurate. Tom hung up on the caller because he didn’t like her style. She later called back to attempt to switch her vote to Trash because her cake question was mocked and unanswered. Tom tells her that they had chocolate cake with butter cream icing made by the man who works at Costco. She also wants to know what kind of wedding cake will be served. Freddy likes cake, so there are three delicious kinds are lined up: vanilla with some kind of berry-related filling, chocolate with some kind of raspberry thing, and carrot cake. She likes it and thinks the wedding will be a Smash. She goes as far as suggesting that a marriage is only as good as the wedding cake(s). Tom thinks that if Freddy continues eating that much cake, the relationship will become unhealthy due to morbid obesity. Tom convinces the caller to be a class act and rescind her Trash switcheroo.

* Smash. He liked it because he doesn’t have anything like it in his little town of Scottsville, Virginia. All he gets locally is bluegrass, so he listens to WFMU all the time.

* Smash. Very Sleater-Kinneyesque. Finest Dearest have heard of the band Sleater-Kinney.

* Smash. It made him anxious. This elicited a giggle from Finest Dearest.

* Smash. It sounds like the music that every ex-goth girl listens to ... if that music was good.

* Smash. The song felt very, very honest. However, the caller knows the band, so Tom voids the vote. The band says they told everyone they knew not to call, having learned a lesson from previous electioneering efforts (e.g., Themeweavers, LLC) frowned on by Tom.

* Smash. Liked the chords, drummin’, and vocals. Reminded him of early The Cranberries.

* Trash. The shutout is broken by what appears to by Larry the Perv there. He thinks Tom should play more of Freddy’s music instead.

* Trash. It’s got nothing on that South Jersey stuff like the percussion section (snares are tight and the Drum Major’s hott) of the Kingsway High School marching band.

* Smash. They have a great sound and left her wanting more. The only Trash she heard tonight was Tom. Tom doesn't care what people think of him as long as they listen.

* Trash. An unhinged Danielson fan prefers the tree with the nine fruits.

* Trash. The caller says it’s one of those Sleater-Kinney songs that you skip over when listening to an album. People are performing S-K in the background, though I couldn’t make out the song amidst the semi-passable Corin Tucker impression.

* Smash. Sounds like S-K for the good reasons, but also reminded him of many other good 1990s bands.

They did it. SMASH

- There's only four minutes left in the on-air party. Freddy says that his nerves are a bit fried from all the preparation, but he does have a good friend lined up for DJ duty. Tom couldn't do it because he doesn't get out of bed for less than $10,000. Freddy wants to know if being in the married people's club is fun. Tom says it's awesome as long as you're not a show-off jerk and treat your wife like a human being. Tom advises being the person that she met instead of morphing into a hotshot. He has to put his fontasies about taking over the family band (Andrewson) on the backburner. Freddy envisions a six-foot drum riser at the front of the stage a la The Dave Clark Five. The rest of the band will play behind a screen so only their silhouettes are visible. Tom is still pushing for the simultaneous release of a solo album/single by each family member. Kiss x 2.5.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Timmy von Trimble calls to ask if Tom thinks Freddy would let Panzerfaust set up a merch table at his wedding, Troy Dershman reports another kill (he accidentally sat on Craig while practing a new routine), and Pudge shaves a few more years off Tom's life.

Here's a clip from the after-bachelor party:

CONGRATS TO FREDDY!!!!!!

Posted by Omar at 9:28 AM | Permalink | Comments

Screw apples.

Posted by x amount at 10:26 AM | Permalink | Comments

Ex-Swollen Members member Moka Only swoles solo:

Moka Only - "More Soup [feat. MF Doom]"

( The Desired Effect would be to make it seem like this was something new. It's not. But it's got that Doom flavor and Spine made it new to me. )

Posted by x amount at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments

[via what todd knows.]

Posted by x amount at 9:50 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 10:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

Light reading.

Posted by x amount at 5:29 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 12:32 PM | Permalink | Comments

Not a ton of gold in the responses. But the question is fun. Dadgum sumbuck was tricked!

Posted by x amount at 5:16 PM | Permalink | Comments

The Creepout Crew visits a country house.

Posted by Omar at 12:38 PM | Permalink | Comments

Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter are on COMEDY TOUR right now. You should follow along.

p.s. They're already up to day four, so don't just think you can get away with skimming that first link. Every day is a fun adventure!

Posted by x amount at 10:41 AM | Permalink | Comments

Pretty sure the helmet wearer has an itty-bitty Dennis Quaid floating around inside him.

Posted by x amount at 2:58 PM | Permalink | Comments

"Who goes to the beach in a suit? Oh, silly. What were ya thinking?" -- Tom, on Mac McCaughan's ill-advised beachside attire

"It’s The Mamas and the Papas -- it’s not The Mamas and Papas. It’s an insult to the Papas." -- Tom, scolding Spike for omitting a crucial article

"Keep going, Weird Al, even though I hate you.” -- Tom, admiring Yankovic's persistence, if not his parodies

"That’s one small step for a baked man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil Armstrong, transmitting from the moon

"Michael, my man, don’t be scared, my brother. Those aren’t flying demons out there, dude -- they’re sky diamonds, just like John sings about." -- Jerry Garcia, talking down astronaut Michael Collins as he orbited the moon on 'shrooms

"Ike got him turned onto it, and he was totally stoned all the time." -- Bryce, on Richard Nixon being a "weed hound" in his revelatory history lesson

"I never thought I’d agree with Nixon in terms of his musical taste." -- Tom, surprised to discover that Nixon found Quadrophenia too sprawling and unfocused

"Jimmy, Brighton was just a läff." -- Text of Bryce's back tattoo

"Ronald Reagan did never smoke marijuana." -- A grammatically challenged Fred defending his man against drug charges

"Yeah, I was outside playing and making friends. I’m so weird!" -- Tom on his failure to watch the short-lived cartoon, ProStars

"Hey, guess who’s not eating that Snickers bar anymore?" -- Tom, after finding out that the candy was stored in Purple Shirt’s underwear bag

"If you ever need a sitter …" -- Tom, suggesting that the surviving members of Poison Idea could look after Baby Ed

"Well that means it’s gotta be good because America has great taste, right? They’ve never liked anything bad." -- Tom on Bob Dylban debuting at #1 on Billboards

"If you’re gonna grab the check, use your name." -- Tom, disapproving of Bill Murray's decision to alter his name for the Garfield credit

"I don’t want to be assisted. Never assist me!" -- Tom, wanting to rock out to the P.C. Richard & Son hold music in peace

"Felt like my spaceship landed, I got off, and I was on Planet Old." -- Tom on entering the casino boofay line

"You know there are new keyboards available. Spend some of that money on a new keyboard." -- Tom, telling Brandon Flowers upgrade his instrument

"That’s rock ‘n roll, junior. That’s what it’s like. Yo La Tengo, they’re not gonna half-step it up there, they’re gonna rock out and blast you with the sound." -- Tom, explaining the origins of the weird vibrations August felt

"Elton is goob." -- Everyone in Petey's high school

"I didn't hear anything on the news about the cold water shortage." -- Tom, at a loss for explaining the lethargy

[TBSOWFMU - 10/3/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

... And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead - "Eight Day Hell"
... And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead - "Goldheart Mountaintop Queen Directory" (Guided By Voices cover)

( Click here to pre-order So Divided)

The Muffs - "New Love" (from Hamburger)
The Muffs - "Sad Tomorrow" (from Blonder and Blonder)

( Click here to buy The Muffs stuff)

Portastatic - "Sour Shores" (acoustic demo)

( Click here to buy Be Still Please fun bundles)

Seam - "Pins and Needles" (from the OOP Headsparks)

Annotated highlights of a show in which the kids weren't always alright:

Phone Line Update: Tom provides a bit more ammuniton in the fight to protect the exclusive phone line. When reporting a violator, please cite bylaw 2-32b of the station policy handbook. As we all know, Tom has been paying through the nose for a number with costs escalating to upwards of $5,000/call. Tom admits that he was overpaying, so he negotiated a more affordable rate with a Verizon rep. The cost is down to 35 cents/ call -- still not cheap, but a little more manageable.

Chasing Rick Santorum: The crusading heroes of The Orange Crate Massacres set off to capture their first Republican baddie

- Tom sees a line flashing (starts at 25:25) and he vaguely dreads it and … yeah, it’s Spike. Spike praises a selection from Tom's opening -- and only! -- music set, but there is a dispute about the band name:

Spike: I see you played The Mamas and Papas, you played some quality.
Tom: No, I played … I didn’t play The Mamas and Papas.
Spike: Yeah, you did. “I Saw Her Again Last Night”.
Tom: Uh, I didn’t play The Mamas and Papas.
Spike: Uh, yeeeees, you did.
Tom: Uh, no, I didn’t.
Spike: Anyway, you should also play some ...
Tom: No-no-no, no, no. I’m not lettin’ this go. I didn’t play The Mamas and Papas.
Spike: Anyway, you should also play some Pandora Spocks.
Tom: No-no-no, I played The Mamas and THE Papas.
Spike: Whatever, you should also play some Pandor--
Tom: No, you droped the "the", you dropped the "the" in there.
Spike: Uh-huh.
Tom: It’s The Mamas and the Papas -- it’s not The Mamas and Papas. It’s an insult to the Papas.
Spike: Well …
Tom: The Mamas and THE Papas. Say it.
Spike: The Mamas and the Papas.
Tom: There you go.
Maf54: Hey guys, I've missed you.
Omar: WTF?? How did you get on this? Get Off My Recap, Foley!!
Spike: Hi, Matt.
Tom: Ewww, boy.
Omar: Ewww, boy is right, Tom.
Maf54: Listen, I have to go vote, but can I have a--
Omar: GOMR!
Spike: See you Thursday night in the dungeon, congressman. Discipline! ;-)
Maf54 signed off at 8:33:21 PM

Spike returns to his plea for more Pandora Spocks, which Tom can't identify. Spike says it was a person who played Serena on Bewitched -- the credited pseudonym of Elizabeth Montgomery. Tom declares Spike a font of TV knowledge. Spike claims he only watches high quality shows like Bewitched. Tom speculates that some would say it’s a sign that Spike never left the house, but Tom will not say that. Tom wants to know if Spike is going to bring anything new instead of the usual diet of doo-wop, Chucky movies, and discipline. In short: no.

Spike is geared up for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, but he’s not sure if it will live up to the hype of the classic original. Spike then rattles off his standard collection of other horror "classics" (e.g., ISOYG, LHotL, the Chucky / Jason / Freddy / Michael franchises). At this point, it would be very refreshing if Spike could at least branch out within the horror genre. I don’t think he’s actually seen a horror film since 1992. Spike says that he wants Jason in the White House, erasing any fleeting chance that he'd have some new riffs. Left with nothing to work with, Tom outlines a typical Spike call:

1. Bash our beloved President (Spike argues that somebody has to do it, and he’s just glad it’s him.)
2. Mention television
3. Mention horror movies
4. Mention quality music from the old days
5. Mention discipline (Tom requests that Spike say the word, so Spike obliges with a trio: “Whips, chains, and discipline.”)

Tom thinks Spike hit all the bases and it’s time for him to bring some new moves to the game. He’s getting shut down -- Tom has him figured out. Tom wants to know if he left anything else out, and Spike says that he also wants to see a film called Debbie Does Denver. Tom thinks The Orange Crate Massacres would be a good horror film. It revolves around Spike getting off his orange crate and chasing after people. Spike suggests chasing some nice Republicans. Tom requests another movie review, and Spike gives a brief rundown of coming attractions to alert listeners to where they might be able to have a scary encounter with him. Tom imagines a scenario where he's watching a spooky horror movie and then hears “Heeeelllloooo, Tom” coming from behind him. Spike thinks Tom really needs to get with the program; Tom tells him to shut up and ends the call. Tom is sick of Spike’s inability to bring new stuff to the table.

Prediction? Pain: Weirder Jon will train equally hard for his upcoming Weird-Off

- Jon from Maplewood 07040 calls (starts at 30:12) to follow up on his lyrical throwdown "When Nerds Talk", which was presented to pro rock star Ted Leo last week. Jon laments that it wasn't in Ted's wheelhouse and won't find purchase on his new record, but thanks Tom for giving his art a chance. Tom suggests submitting the song to MAD TV magazine in case they get back into the record business or, better yet, giving it to “Weird Al” Yankovic as a potential b-side. Tom is excited about the release of Straight Outta Lynwood, Yankovic's new album. Tom admires his persistence, even though he hates him. Tom files Al in the category of people you end up admiring because they doggedly cling to their dated shtick. Tom reluctantly gives the man some props for still doing "it", whatever "it" is. “It” was terrible in 1982, and “it” is still terrible.

Jon is in the software industry where Weird Al remains a demigod among people who worship at his parodical alter. Tom is surprised to find out that software programmers would be Weird Al fans -- he never would have thought that techies would gravitate towards him. Tom is surprised that Jon has not heard of the new record considering he’s surrounded by his fans. Jon says he was trying to ignore the release because he was trying to work on his own material in the same genre. He was hoping to become the new Weird Al, investing all his hopes and dreams on that one song. Tom thinks he should go by "Weirder Jon", taunting Al with his more intense weirdness quotient. Tom wants him to call Al out at live shows, challenging him to a Weird-Off like Clubber Lang: "You ain’t weird anymore! You ain’t been weird since Running with Scissors. I want my shot! I’m weird. I’m the weirdest!” Jon is pleased to be the Mr. T of mock music.

Baked in space: A totally stoned Neil Armstrong struggles to put the historic expedition into perspective

- Bryce checks in (starts at 33:59) with his broham to say he’s doing a little better than last week. Tom doesn’t think it’s possible to be doing worse than last week’s diabolical adventures at the Fun Fair and subsequent shanty destruction at the hands of Werner. Bryce confirms that Tom hasn’t seen hide nor hair of the Kincaids since. Tom doesn’t even look at their house anymore, hoping to avoid their glare. Bryce thinks they are gone, so Tom doesn't have much to worry about for now.

Bryce asks Tom if he heard the news today. He's referring to the breakthrough involving the time Neil Armstrong and those dudes landed on the moon back in 1969. When Armstrong stepped out onto the surface for the first time, hiistory recorded his transmission as “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Armstrong always claimed that one word got caught in the static and was inaudible -- he said “a man”. A dude down in Australia analyzed the tape and stripped back the static. He found that errant “a”! Bryce thinks it changes all of history. What’s even crazier, they found another errant word on the transmission tape in that same sentence: “That’s one small step for a baked man, one giant leap for mankind.” Bryce says that Neil never revealed the drug reference for political reasons, but the Australian unearthed it.

Bryce points out that there’s always been rumors about moon landing hoaxes feuled by things such as Capricorn One. There were also rumors -- now verified by the tape -- that all those guys were totally baked. Buzz Aldrin, Armstrong, and Michael Collins were all smoking weed the whole time in the space shuttle. Collins, who was orbiting while the other two dudes were out walking, was also on ‘shrooms. He was originally supposed to be the dude that stepped on the moon, but he was tripping too hard to execute the moonwalk. Tom wonders where Bryce is getting this information, but Bryce says it’s common knowledge. He claims that Jerry Garcia was brought into the NASA Space Center in Houston to talk Collins down. Tom has never heard any of this. Garcia was sitting there with his headset, trying to calm the frightened Collins. He told him that instead of flying demons, he was actually just seeing the "sky diamonds" that John Lennon sings about. Then he told him to put his head between knees and just ride it out.

After that, he began to sing to the astronaut. Tom asks what song, and Bryce thinks it's one of the dumbest question he's ever heard. Tom says he simply doesn’t know because it’s all new to Tom. It turns out to be a very good question because Bryce can't decide if the tune was "Mountains on the Moon", "China Cat Sunflower", or "Cosmic Charlie". Bryce thinks it was actually "St. Stephen". Bryce is confused, but he does know what happened next. Jerry smoked out with Colilns. According to Bryce, President Nixon was totally down with the Earth-to-Moon simpatico puffin'. Tom is surprised by the Presidential sanction, but Bryce says this was known in some circles.

Tankin' Up: Dwight Eisenhower assesses the damage done to his bong after a rousing night of turret hits and improv comedy

Bryce says that 75% of the presidents that came before Nixon and 100% that came after smoked weed every day. Consequently, Bryce confirms that Reagan totally smoked weed on a daily basis while in office. Tom wants to know how he’s never heard this. Bryce says that Tom is not clued in like the they are, but Tom thinks he’s making it up. Bryce says it’s in the books and he’s done the required research. He wants Tom to do his. Tom says the burden of proof is not on him for these historical revelations. Bryce thinks it is and lists the presidents that did not smoke weed: Millard Fillmore, James Polk, James Garfield, and Harry S Truman. This caused a big rift between Truman and Ike. Truman didn’t puff tuff, but Ike totally did. During WWII, Ike would fill a tank with weed smoke, and then he, Gen. Douglas MacArthur, Gen. George Marshall, and Gen. George S. Patton would go sit in it. They called it "Tankin’ Up".

While smoking, they’d riff out comedy bits. No audio has survived, but from what Bryce has heard, the routines involved what a tool Mickey Rooney was and which member of the quartet touched the most breasts. In other words: good, clean fun. Tom is relieved because he thought he was going to say that they smoked through the turret of the tank. Bryce says that they did that, too. Glenn Miller would go on the other side of the tank to partake of what they called "turret hits". They used the tank as a giant bong. So did the Germans.

Tom wants some more details on Bryce’s sources of information. Bryce gets it from people he knows, books, and a lot of pamphlets. He hasn't done much Web research lately because he has no access out at the lean-to. He only has electricity if he goes to Java the Hut to log onto their computers. The first time he went there, he thought he was logging on, but he was actually pushing the buttons on their cash register, which led to his arrest. Bryce was able to sweet talk his way out of it by pretending that he was very baked, which wasn’t really pretending. They put him in a holding cell where he chilled out. Bryce admits he was trying to steal money. Tom informs Bryce that it’s illegal and he’s a borderline criminal, so it doesn’t surprise him. Bryce says that if that’s true, then so was Richard Nixon. Bryce says that Nixon became a huge "weed hound" after Ike turned him onto the drug. He was totally stoned all the time, which was hypocritical since he was going after counter-culture icon John Lennon.

At the same time Nixon was after Lennon, he was totally crankin' stuff like Moby Grape, Quicksilver, and The Electric Prunes. Bryce says that if you listen closely, you can hear Mass in F Minor playing in the background of the Watergate tapes. Bryce has heard some unreleased Nixon tapes via his buddy, Scooch, who hangs out in front of what used to be the Lady Foot Locker in Newbridge Commons. On one tape, Nixon talks about how much he hates The Who's Quadrophenia. Tricky Dick loved Tommy and Who’s Next, but he found Quadrophenia too sprawling and unfocused. Tom never thought he would agree with Nixon in terms of his musical, but he's totally with him on this one.

Nixon actually got some early demos and tried to get Townshend to make the record less Anglo-centric with all the mods and rockers stuff. Townshend didn’t go for it, and, in retrospect, Nixon was right. Bryce says that the tunes that hold up don’t have nothing to do with mods and rockers going down to Brighton for a läff. Tom can’t place the reference, so Bryce asks him if he has ever seen the film. Tom saw it a long time ago. Bryce reminds him that Jimmy scored with a bird and thinks they're all hot and heavy because they did it in Brighton. Later on, he’s back in London and he tries to get it happening with her again. She’s not into so she goes, “Jimmy, Brighton was just a läff.” Bryce has the line tattooed on his back, complete with the umlaut. Tom says it’s good to know Bryce values his body.

Nixon wanted to legalize all drugs, but he knew that the people couldn’t handle them like he could. Bryce assumes that Tom knew that he founded High Times magazine with Gerald Ford. Tom had no idea. Bryce says it’s all in that pamphlet, Presidential Drug Stuff, written by Scooch. It’s less a pamphlet and more a sheaf of notebook paper. Tom wonders how that could be credible. It seems believable to Bryce, who wants to know if Tom will try to deny what he’s about to lay on him. Bryce says that W puffs the biggest of all of them. The source? Scooch’s sheaf. W is always screwing up because he smokes hydrophonic Westbridge crippler weed. Tom assumes that W is getting the weed from Westbridge, N.J., but Bryce calls him a dummy because he’s actually getting it from Dick Cheney. Cheney gets it from a Westbridge dealer and supplies it to people like Tom Delay and Matt Foley, the dude who’s in trouble for all those text messages. Chris Farley based his van-dwelling motivational speaker on him. Tom thinks Bryce is making things up again, but it’s also in the sheaf. Bryce says the original Foley refrain was “I live in a BMW down by the river.”

Bryce knows he’s not making it up because he’s seeing it in his mind right now. He ends the call afer he visualizes something else: Tom’s murder. The pot has worn off, and Bryce is coming back down to Earth. It’s officially showtime.

- An angry Fred refutes (starts at 51:09) the claims of Presidential toking made by "that woman". He's especially adamant that Ronald Reagan did never smoke marijuana. Fred wants to make this clear to people so lies will not be propagated. He thinks that if anyone smoked marijuana, it was Jimmy Carter -- and everybody knows it. Tom asks him where he got that information. Fred says we know what’s right, and we know what’s wrong. There are certain conspiracy theories which are true, and others that are made up by a woman. Fred calls Reagan the greatest President this country has ever seen. He mentions his Oldtimer’s disease and thinks it’s a sad thing to make fun of his man who saved us from the Russians. He says that GWB also doesn't smoke up, but he repeats his charge against Carter. Tom asks him if he has anything else, and Fred yells “No!”. Tom then wins the hang-up war. Tom points out that Fred has apparently done a loop through the south and returned with a bit of an accent.
His impassioned oratory definitely appeared to be influenced by Southern preachers.

- No Smoke (thinly disguising his voice by yelling) tells Tom (starts at 53:02) he’s lucky that he was beaten out by Busfield for the acting gig on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. NS hates the show and doesn't think it will finish the season. Tom says it definitely will and wants to bet on it. NS backtracks and changes his terms to be that it won’t get picked up for a second season. NS thinks that Tom might know more about these things. (He does.) Tom calls him a dirtbag who stepped on his heart for his own sick, twisted pleasures. Tom recounts his offenses for the uninitiated and regrets the wasted years he spent enduring his boring nicotine ruse. Tom recently saw the filthmonger get caught by Chris Hansen on Dateline NBC: To Catch A Predator. Tom wonders what would happened if one of their own -- like SNL's Brian Williams -- walked into the trap.

- Tommert calls (starts at 55:46) while in some kind of stupor. Tom wonders if he could dial it down and talk a little quieter. Tommert says OK. Tom tells him to go away.

- A caller from Southern Maine thinks (starts at 56:25) Tom might want to do a cartoon character draft with him. He runs it down -- four rounds of picks and callers will decide who wins. Tom asks for some clarification because he’s getting confused … and sad. The caller explains that they will alternate picks, and the person who assembles the best team wins.

Round 1:

Caller: Michael Jordan from ProStars (Caller notes his “killer jump shot”)
Tom: Bugs Bunny (Tom notes his ability to pull guns out of thin air and brake while falling from an airplane)

Round 2:

Caller: John Candy from Camp Candy (notes his ability to run a camp)
Tom: Road Runner (fast)

Round 3:

Caller: Danger Mouse
Tom Morton Harket of A-ha in the “Take on Me” video (this pick appears to rattle the caller)

Round 4:

Caller: Scrooge McDuck (he’s rich)
Tom: Jackie Chan

The caller congratulates Tom on his picks and looks forward to the best team winning. Tom says it’s not really up for discussion since he just crushed him. The caller doesn't agree and says Tom not knowing ProStars blew his mind. Tom says that he was outside playing and making friends when it aired. The caller was watching cartoons. Tom asks if he can tell reality from fontasy. The caller skirts the question by saying something about his relationship with his television set. Tom agrees to take some votes in the toon battle.

My team:

1. Hefty Smurf (obviously strong and takes zero in the way of s hit from Brainy Smurf)

2. Timothy “Speed” Levitch in Waking Life (able to go salsa dancing with his own confusion on really romantic eventings of self)

3. Tom Peters (even-keeled idea man, completed "Intro to Word" course, drives a Maluch)

4. Elliot from Pete’s Dragon (he's a magical dragon)

- Purple Shirt is back (starts at 1:01) from Russia and votes for Tom's team. Tom gets rid of the cartoon caller to find out about the art installation. As promised, PS did snap a photo of the Snickers bar at the Kremlin, but he needs to get it to Tom before his son eats it. Tom wonders if the kid is some out-of-control animal who won't obey a directive not to eat it. PS has made it clear that it's Tommy's Snickers, but he's not sure how long it will last. Tom suggests just buying another bar to satisfy him, and PS agrees to stop at a store on the way home. Tom recommends something better like an apple, but the kid prefers the Snickers bar that was in PS’s underwear bag for three weeks. Given that information, Tom announces that he will not be eating it. He GOMPs PS and tells him to return to Russia.

- Conner picks (starts at 1:03) Tom’s toon team to win because he’s got the guy from A-ha. Tom says that Bugs Bunny beats everybody, citing his classic turn in “Baseball Bugs” in which he brought it at every position on the diamond and lived in the stadium. Conner also reminds Tom that Michael Jordan and Bugs worked together in Space Jam. Tom asks Conner if he knows about ProStars. He doesn’t because nobody does. Tom is developing an animated show focusing on Jordan’s second comeback while on the Wizards. The plot will include Jordan yelling at Rip Hamilton and making slurs against Kwame Brown. Conner thinks it sounds awesome. The show will be on The Shout! Network. Since Conner doesn’t get it, Tom tells him to call his cable provider to shout that he wants the channel NOW! That's how you do it.

- PS calls back (starts at 1:05) and thinks Tom was harsh for hanging up on him. Tom reiterates that he will not eat the Snickers. He also says that PS ’s art project has fallen apart. PS thought it was Tom’s art project. Tom says that his art project was watching PS tap dance like he was on a hot tin roof obeying his command to fly to Russia and snap a photo of the Snickers in front of the Kremlin. The title of Tom’s project was “How Far Will You Go?” PS is riding his bike home from Manhattan, and Tom advises him not to bang his head on any tree branches or going through any tunnels. PS won't have to worry about any head trauma because he's on his non-tall bike. PS still rides his unicycle and recently completed a four-mile trip. Tom wants to know who was chasing him, but PS says he was doing the chasing (perhaps he was tracking down August in a game of Cops and Robbers).

Mike the Associate Producer wanted to know if PS was in a pet parade, but that's on the agenda for next week. PS will lead it. Tom wonders how many jerks will participate with their snakes wrapped around their heads. PS is afraid of snakes and thinks owning them is dangerous. Mike says that someone brings a snake to his softball game at McCarren Park, and Tom believes the snake roots for a team called “Escape” so it can return to his native tropics. Snakes don't wanna be in Williamsburg.

PS says he will mail the soiled Snickers bar to Tom, who will immediately trash it. Tom wants to know why he let the Snickers mingle with his undies. PS claims that increased security measures prohibited him from carrying it on the plane. Tom thinks that wrapping it with his shirts would have been a much better storage solution. PS opted for his toiletry bag full of medications, vitamins, and a bottle of shampoo filled with crippler weed. Tom predicts that the Snickers bar would taste like Tom’s of Maine fennel toothpaste. PS begins huffing and puffing into the phone as he crosses the Queensboro bridge, producing significant static. He rings his bell. Tom loved it. (Not really.) Tom tells him to ride safely and not be such a hotshot by multi-tasking. Tom did not have this on his list of ideas for the show: Talk to PS about riding his unicycle.

- Tom calls Hova (starts at 1:10), co-host of Greasy Kid Stuff, at his headquarters amongst the street filth in Portland. Hova reports that Baby Ed doesen’t have dreadlocks yet, but she is wearing purple tie-dyed pants that adhere to the hippified mindset of the town. Tom wants to know if she’s hanging out with the guys from Poison Idea. Pig Champion passed on, but the other guys are still there. Tom recommends them as potential babysitters.

Tom heard rumors that the Oct. 7th GKS show is the farewell installment after an 11-year run. Tom thinks it’s sad, and Hova is saddened by it as well. He and Belinda are greatly appreciative of the nice e-mails they've been getting from loyal listeners. Tom once attempted to latch onto their market with the Montrose-heavy Kid Zone, and he's interested in taking over their brand now. Hova says that while the radio program is ending, they will still use the Greasy Kid Stuff name for other projects. Tom wants to buy the rights to the name for a generous $4 US so he can own it in perpetuity throughout the universe. Hova says it’s tempting because money is a bit tight these days. Tom then reveals the big twist: it will no longer be a kid’s show. Tom will interview adult entertainers and directors of smut movies in an X-rated podcast. Belinda and Hova would still be attached to the show, and Tom would broadcast as Hova. Hova says that if they went through with it, they would need some extra money for the use of their names. Tom throws in another dollar for using “Hova”. Belinda and Baby Ed arrive on the scene, and Hova proposes the offer to Belinda, who is intrigued.

Tom throws in another dollar for use of her name and further sweetens the deal by offering to arrange for some bread to be pre-purchased at a supermarket of their choice. Hova will consult with his lawyer and draw up some papers. Hova sees no possible drawbacks, and Tom doesn’t see how this could ever come back to haunt them. GKS as a kid’s show had a good run, and now it’s time to take it into the 21st century with a little edge --Greasy Kid Stuff Xtreme. Hova said he discovered a metal show of the same name on Cleveland’s WRUW. Based on that, Tom thinks he could probably just start using the name without having to fork over $6 and a loaf of bread. Tom asks Hova if he knows any adult entertainers that could appear on the debut show. Hova suggests Ron Jeremy, and Tom thinks that would be a good way to kick it off since he was on The Surreal Life. Tom asks Hova if he wants to hear his impression of him, but Hova doesn’t. He doesn’t want it to exist. However, Mike wants to hear it, so Tom obliges -- the high pitch is nearly identical to Tom’s trademark “bye” caller sign-off.

Tom will miss the show and thinks many kids will remember the it fondly, having heard their birthdays announced over the air by their beloved hosts. B & H have put their thumbprint on countless children. Tom wants to know what they will do with the same six records they played every week. Hova thought they could sell them for $6. Belinda takes the phone and declares Tom the winner in the TBS vs. GKS battle. Tom wasn’t even going to bring up the fact that The Best Show is still standing, while GKS is taking a dive. From now on, Michael Shelley will replace those same, comforting records with a brand new half-dozen tunes. Tom heard rumors of plans to add a seventh record to the GKS repertoire. Belinda says a song by Snow Patrol was a possibililty. Belinda says that friends and fans will still be able to contact them at stuff at greasykidstuff dot net, which is good news because Tom will be disabling their WFMU e-mail accounts at 12:01 p.m. on Saturday. Tom closes out the call with his pick for their seventh song: Neil Diamond’s “Porcupine Pie”.

- BT from Sparta calls (starts at 1:25) because he considers Tom a musicologist. He wants Tom's scholarly take on the new Bob Dylban album, Modern Times. Tom thinks it stinks and doesn't need to hear Bob do stupid blues songs like he's attempting to make a Leon Redbone album. BT asks Tom about Dylban’s reworking of Merle Haggard’s “Workingman Blues”, but Tom didn’t make it that far (track 6). He had already thrown the CD out of his car window around Exit 13A on the NJ Turnpike. BT respects Tom’s opinion and is not sure if he’s a fan of the album. BT points out that it debuted at #1 on the Billboards chart. Tom says then it must be good because America has great taste and has never liked anything bad.

BT mentions Dylan’s XM radio show. Tom has only heard a little bit of it, but Mike is a big fan. He studies it, transcribes it, and then re-reads the transcriptions looking for pearls of wisdom. Tom likes Blob Dylan, a 600-pound Bob Dylban impersonator based out of Lancaster, PA. Blob is closely following Dylban’s evolution, having just finished his Street Legal phase, and now he's discovered the Lord. BT is impressed and can only must a “Holy Crow” in response. Holy Crow indeed.

- A caller wants (starts at 1:28) to talk about the cartoon teams, and Tom thinks he's part of a rogue collective trying to hijack his show with this topic. He tuned in late so he wasn’t sure what sport the teams would be playing. He thought the caller assembled a very unathletic team. Other than MJ, the rest of his team is either fat, small, or old. The caller thinks that team could excel at bowling. Tom wants him to admit to being friends with Cartoon Guy. Tom says he won’t hang up on him if he admits it and suspects it’s notorious agitator Get Off My Bone. He wants to know why Tom likes Blob Dylan, but not Petey’s polarizing Bill Purray. Tom says that Blob Dylan is real, but the caller believes that Purray is also real, citing his work as the voice of Garfield. Tom doesn’t approve of Bill Murray doing the films using a pseudonym. He thinks that if you grab the check, you should put your real name on it. Tom gives a thumbs down to Bill Murray and to Get Off My Bone. Tom even changes his mind to side with Max who got trash-talked by Murray on the basketball court for speaking ill of La Bamba. Tom doesn’t think the film was good either.

- Tom discusses (starts at 1:30) the best hold music he’s ever heard in his life -- a telephonic symphony built around the familiar PC Richard & Son jingle. Tom launches a quest to play the music over the air, but has some trouble finding a store locator on the company's website. PC Richard is no Panera Bread when it comes to online store finders! While they boast 97 years of honesty, integrity, and reliability, they choose to bury their phone numbers. Tom eventually gets a store and requests to be put on hold. He’s digging the saxophone and rocking guitar, but they aren’t bringing it enough. Tom wants a better connection. He wants the loud, crankin’ tunes of the Wachtung branch. Tom calls that store and gets Sharon, who gladly puts him on hold since she appeared to be waiting for his call. And then it begins. Classy piano leads into some "Ode to Joy". Just as it's heating up, Sharon comes back on the line. She loves working at PC Richard & Son and says the son, A.J. Richard, is still alive passed away two years ago. Tom wants to go back on hold and the musical tour through the 20th century resumes -- Gershwin, roaring overtures, Dick Dale surf. Bottom line: the best in the biz.

Another guy interrupts the show. Tom tells him that he was on the radio and showing WFMU listeners how they hit a hold music home run. He's perplexed, but puts Tom on hold per his request. Tom doesn't want to be assisted; he just wants to rock out. After Tom hangs up, he performs his own song based on the main melody:

My faaaavorite store … to shoplift from … is PC Richard

Slide a microwave into a box … claim I’m bringing something back … box with a false bottom

Put it over the microwave … make a deal with the guys in the back … load out a plasma screen

Wah Wah Wa Wa Waaaaah

Tom is just kidding about the robbery he describes in the song. He’s an upstanding man, and this is a moral program. His new Greasy Kid Stuff will serve as his outlet for filth.

You're all clear, The Kid: Tom gets hooked on George Lucas's first foray into Star Wars merch

- Tom reflects (starts at 1:41) on the last couple of days he spent in glorious Atlantic City for a Consolidated Cardboard convention. Tom says that if you’ve never been to AC, you gotta go. He can't imagine any tri-stater resisting its magnetic pull. Tom predicts that there will be an explosion in AC at some point, but it will not be a terrorist attack. It will be the result of one the people with an oxygen tank merging with one of the people smoking. Tom said these dangerous duos were rampant. Tom enjoyed gazing at the many attractive, fit people, especially at the boofay. Tom says that approaching the boofay was like being transported via spaceship to Planet Old, walking amongst the Oldies but not Goodies. The ObnGs were picking through the food ("Just eat it!") with the tongs, and Tom saw some lady panning for magical gold in the fried chicken bin for five minutes. Mike mentions the giant fake shrimp molded into the shape of real shrimp. Tom didn’t spot those, but he did get a tour of world cuisines by way of a casino. The highlights included an Asian section filled with food that nobody in that part of the world actually eats (e.g., beef and broccoli) and a taste of Italy consisting of spaghetti w/ meatballs and weird, heat-lamped pizza.

Tom’s no gambler, but when it comes to the slot machines, he gets sucked in. Tom points out that every character on Earth is licensed for use on a slot machine -- The Addams Family, The Munsters, Zachary Brimstead, Saturday Night Live, the X for Dummies people, Mother 13, A Fistful of Dollars, Dick Clark New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, and many others. Tom wonders if it’s fun to play a Dick Clark slot machine. Tom certainly had fun playing the best machine in the casino: Star Wars. Tom admits that he got hooked big-time. In fact, Tom would still be there if not for his radio hosting duties. Otherwise, he’d either be rich or trying to get Ted Leo and Mike to wire him additional funds. He’d be riding it all the live-long day -- make it or break it.

The machine had an actual Death Star that spun around a la Wheel of Fortune, state-of-the-art video, and all the requisite, addictive sound clips. Someone in the chat mentions that it’s about time that Lucas capitalize on the popular films by getting some merch out for the loyal fans. Tom wishes he was in front of the Star Wars slot machine right now. In addition to developing a gambling habit, Tom is now a smoker. After spending 45 minutes in a casino, he thinks a lung exam would suggest that he smokes three packs/day. Tom predicts that if smoking is eventually declared illegal on Earth, the casinos will still be exempt from the ban.

- A caller is sold (starts at 1:49) on the Star Wars machine. He was previously a devotee of the double-dipping Wheel of Fortune, but this sounds even better. In additon to the slots, the caller’s favorite thing about AC is The Irish Pub, which is open 24 hours, so: Guinness for breakfast. Tom doesn’t know the place, but he’s pretty sure it’s on the corner of Scary and Terrifying. The caller thinks it’s a fun place, but he can't elaborate because The Fuzz is behind him. Tom wonders if he’s filming a scene from Mother, Jugs & Speed or an episode of B.J. and the Bear with Claude Akins on his tail.

On the next ... Deadwood: A prevert from Las Vegas invades camp and molests Sofia; Sheriff Bullock slits the c**ksucker's throat and Jane micturates down it

- Tom discusses (starts at 1:51) the new album by The Little Killers, who hail from Las Vegas, the Atlantic City of the west. On their triple-platinum debut, they had their new wave cool guy sound figured out and applied enough makeup to pass as Gary Numan’s kids. When it came time to put out the follow-up album, Sam’s Town, frontman and keyboardist Brandon Flowers discovered Bruce Springsteen and ditched their successful sound. Flowers also grew a bad mustache to boldly change his look to a sexual predator destined for the Dateline house. Dear Mr. Flowers, I think Mike Patton beat you to that one, son. Tom read from an article courtesy of news empire VH1 to get some insight into the mind of the mercurial singer:

The Killers' Brandon Flowers has had a pretty life-altering 23 months. He saw his band's debut album, Hot Fuss, go triple platinum, he toured the world, got married and got in a fair share of verbal sparring with his contemporaries.

And somewhere in the midst of all that, he found time to turn 12 years old all over again.

"I prefer to call it my rebirth," Flowers said. "I had something happen that I didn't ever think could happen. I fell in love with the Smiths and the Pet Shop Boys when I was 12 years old, and I never thought that could happen again.”

Omar note: I think he forgot to mention Haircut 100 as an influence. For shame!

"And that was kind of sad, but then I had another one of those 12-year-old experiences when I was 23, but this time with Bruce Springsteen. And it was just — it was elation," he continued. "I couldn't believe how happy his music made me and how good it was. He's a gift, and I didn't know. I mean, I knew 'Born in the USA' and 'Glory Days,' but I didn't know that he covered so much ground, and there was something in his music that touched what I was going through, the process of falling back in love with my America."

Tom: "What are you, Ed Anger?"

"Springsteen touches on the American dream, and that's everybody's dream. And it's such a great idea — whether or not it's still happening today. Most of the songs are about getting to that place, of making it to the promised land. I don't think it's about getting rich; it's the idea of working hard and having your castle in the sky," Flowers said.

Tom can’t believe he actually used the term “the promised land.” Tom says that only a guy who just got rich talks about how it’s not about getting rich.

"We just have to make the best album that we can. And we're doing it. This album is one of the best albums in the past 20 years. There's nothing that touches this album. And that sounds like I'm being cocky, but I'm just so excited. I hope that helps people. I hope people hear this album and realize that you don't need to worry about the second album."

Tom has gotsta hear this album because he likes good rock music. Tom gets scared by the presence of an “Enterlude”, as well as song titles like "Bling (Confession of a King)", “This River Is Wild”, and “Uncle Jonny”, which suggests that Flowers is branching out into character pieces.

Tom spins it and unfurls his Unfair Record Review:

1. "Sam’s Town" sounds like The Killers covering Bruce Springsteen.

2. "Enterlude" sounds a bit like Tony Randall.

3. The hit first single, “When You Were Young”, sounds like Springsteen with bad keyboard sounds thrown in the mix.

4. "Bling (Confession of a King)" -- “Yuck, what is that?”; sounds like Sparks, not Bruce. Tom begs to differ with the line “It’s not so bad” and gets sick of the Springsteeny lyrics.

5. "For Reasons Unknown" -- Tom can’t even manage to make fun of it because it’s too depressing, although he agrees that this is one of the best albums of the last 20 years.

6. "Read My Mind" -- Opening keyboard synths suggest guest spot by the guy from Alphaville; Tom feels like he’s at the mall listening to some guy demo an organ.

7. "Uncle Jonny" -- Sounds like those bad, slow Bruce Springsteen songs that populate half of Darkness on the Edge of Town. Turns out Uncle Jonny did rails!

8. "Bones" (likely second single) -- late 1980s Queen

9. "My List" -- Tom perks up a bit at first, but is not pleased with $119, entry-level Casio keyboard sounds. He recommends using some of that money on a newer model. Tom does multiple takes on a particularly jarring section of bad 1980s production sound.

10. "This River Is Wild" - Tom thinks that Flowers should have absorbed more Bruce Springsteen and ejects the CD because the keyboard sound was killing him.

Overall, Flowers gets Tom by using “son” in the lyrics, but gets dinged for overuse of “road” and “nowhere”. Tom also wonders if “the man in red” is Elton John. Tom compares the album to Elvis Costello’s Goodbye Cruel World where he went nuts with his fancy new keys. Tom reverses his position: Sam’s Town is not one of the best albums of the past two decades. Tom's final assessement is that it just sounds like an album by The Killers. He thought he could mock Flowers for a Bruce impression and realizes that he wasted $9.99 that he could have slid into the sparkly Death Star. Tom will still hold onto it because he thinks it might be a grower.

- August calls (starts at 2:09) and thinks The Killers are just OK. Tom met August last Friday night at the big Yo La Tengo rock concert, but he was half asleep. August says he sort of had fun but got groggy because the show extended into midnight, which is past his standard bedtime. Tom claims that he approached August, who told him to get away. August denies it, and Tom admits that he was kidding. Tom says that August really asked him to leave him alone. August doesn't recall that either, and Tom admits that he was lying again. Tom thinks August needed a nice sodey to keep him awake. August said he couldn’t find any, and Tom said he would have secured one for him. August wasn’t thinking much about food or drink. He was just tired. August wasn’t sure if it was just him because of his earplugs, but he was getting weird vibrations during the show. He was not sure of the origin of these sensations, and Tom tells him it was the power of rock 'n roll. He says that Yo La Tengo are not gonna half-step it -- they’re gonna rock out and blast you with the sound.

August then damns the band with faint praise by calling their set “interesting”. Tom compares it to saying that it looked like they were having a lot of fun up there. Tom thought the band was on fye-ah. August didn’t have a favorite moment, but gives it an overall grade of 9.5/10. Tom is surprised by the rating since it sounds like August hated it. August downgrades it to 8.5, and Tom says he doesn’t have to give it an artificially high rating. August says that while he did fall asleep (for < 1 minute), his drowsiness did not affect the band's performance. August has now seen two rock shows, both by Yo La Tengo. Tom wants to know if he’s seen any live music at school assemblies. August says he’s only seen productions of plays there, though he only saw half of one because he had to go somewhere. Tom gets August to admit that he's simply not much of a fan of entertainment product of any kind. August prefers to find ways to amuse himself, such as staring at clouds. He favorite cloud was one that looked like a bit like a skeleton with wings before it collided with another cloud. He also, of course, likes playing Go.

Tom wants to know if he ever pretends that he’s flying all over the place like a superhero, but August says he lacks an imagination (a dubious claim considering the filmmaking he discussed a couple of weeks ago). Tom asks him about any creative writing endeavours, but August hasn't anything other than school assignments. Tom challenges him to write a short story about the radio show. The premise is the adventures of August and Tom, who fly around space in a car with wings. August will give it a try. I think they should meet up with a shroom-trippin’ Michael Collins at some point. Tom also met his brother at the rock show. He was able to find some sugar, so he was jumping and dancing around. Tom saw August give him a thump to the back of the head, but August has no recollection of the event. However, August says it wouldn't be the first time he’s forgotten something he did. Tom thinks it sounds like he's crafting a defense by establishing precedence. August's silence is followed by a yawn. Tom tells him to drift off to sleep.

- A caller (starts at 2:20) doesn’t believe that he’s actually on the air. He was, but it was a very short stay. Tom yawns and thinks the show is headed for an L.

- Ian proposes (starts at 2:21) a Smash or Trash with Sam’s Town. Tom says he will if the caller can get a band member on the phone. He doesn’t think he could pull that off, but he wishes he could. If he got them on the phone, he would tell them that their new album is lame and they took a wrong turn. Tom thinks that is rude. The caller says it would not be mean because he would just offer them constructive criticism about their new direction. Tom thinks it’s weird that they had the marketplace cornered and then got obsessed with Bruce Springsteen at the last minute. Tom decides to give them some credit for not playing it safe. While the album stinks, they get points for trying something different. Tom’s proud that he bought the album. Tom thinks Ian sounds wasted, but he says that he’s just tired. August goes to his school in the morning for “smart Math”, and Tom wonders if something has infiltrated the water system or if someone is putting Ritalin in the hamburgers in the cafeteria. Perhaps the school is lined with Oz-like (the imaginary land housing a wizard, not the correctional facility) poppy fields? Tom thought all the kids were wired on soda all day. Ian blames the fatigue on having to wake up at 6:30 a.m. every day, but Tom is not that sympathetic because life is annoying.

Mike declares that The Kids Aren’t Alright. Tom thinks an entire generation is ready to pass out from taking too many goofballs. The kids are acting as though a simple conversation with Tom is some kind of torture camp. Tom issues one of his standard caller rejuvenation tips: splash some cold water on your face before dialing.

- A caller votes (starts at 2:24) for a W for the show, citing the PC Richard bit. He didn’t expect Tom to actually call the store to be put on hold and found it very funny. He wants to know if it really costs Tom 35 cents per call. It does -- Tom pays for the right to GOMP. The caller enjoys the crystal clear sound on the phone line and wonders if Tom pays from his pocket. Tom actually gives WFMU access to his Paypal account and they complete the transfer to Verizon. Tom thinks the callers should take a page from Louis CK-lookalike Jim Cramer of CNBC’s Mad Money. The caller has not heard of him and also sounds like he’s on the verge of sleep. He mumbles something about Physics homework and then starts snoring. Tom bids the little angel goodnight as he drifts away on a little, sleepy could.

Tom doesn't understand why it's sleepytime. He worked two days straight for Consolidated in AC and came straight to the station, only stopping off at the Worst Buy* (probably shoulda gone to FOT Records!) to pick up The Killers CD. It came with a bonus, 2-song EP, but Tom thinks the true bonus would have been deleting "Why Do I Keep Counting" and "My List" from the LP proper. Tom does like the new The Roots album, Game Theory, but he can't play it on the air because of toilet mouth. If MC Thought & Co. could mind their Ps and Qs, Tom would be playing it all the live-long day.

*Tom has a new gig writing for Mad TV magazine. Congrats!

The Roots - "Game Theory"

- Dennis Lindsey calls (starts at 2:37) to confirm that Tom is still on for Halloween. Dennis is also concerned about the neighborhood rumblings indicating that Tom’s 2005 offerings were no so hot. He wants to know what Tom has planned for this year, but Tom’s not sure yet. Dennis heard Tom gave out Sno Balls last year. Tom honestly doesn’t remember, and Dennis doesn’t think it’s really worth the trip around the block for just Sno Balls. Tom will try to remove them from the equation.

Dennis says his ideal treat would be a couple of slices of hot pizza. Tom thinks that whatever he selects will be much closer to Sno Balls than to hot pizza. Dennis says there is still time for him to use his excellent negotiating skills to change Tom's mind. He works from home now, but he used to work for a mortgage lending company. His supervisor was depressed man-child Paul Crenshaw, who used to call the show to whine and complain about the treatment by his co-workers. Due to his size, they called him the “Manilla Gorilla” or “The Dimwitted Giant”. Tom doesn’t think the name-calling is cool. Dennis justifies the ribbing by saying that you should get off the porch is you hang with the big dogs. Tom thinks he should put that slogan on a bumper sticker.

Dennis pushes his agreement, but Tom still doesn’t have a fax number for him. Dennis thinks his three kids deserve something like hot pockets fresh out of the oven. Tom says he will not give out any kind of food -- just candy. Tom says his kids can get hot food at their house. Dennis wants Tom to be on a conference call on Friday to discuss the issue and thinks they are on the right track. Tom believes they are actually at opposite ends of the Halloween spectrum, but he placates Dennis by saying that he will cut his grass to turn his yard into a little paradise.

Ululation Nation (formerly Cramerica): Jim Cramer yells at infuriating stocks and his fans reward him with cries of "BOO YIYIYIYIYIYI"

- Tom plays (starts at 2:28) an exhilarating Jim Cramer Lightning Round YouTube clip to show the kids the kind of energy they should bring to the show. The clip pretty much speaks (in tongues) for itself, but it does raise an important question. Better chair thrower: Cramer or Bobby Knight?

- Petey is excited to be on the air (starts at 2:33), but he can’t match the ebullience of a Cramer crazy like Aaron from Long Island. Petey says that he used to act more like that, but he was too insane. Tom desires a more mature strain of Petey’s goofballism. Petey thinks that Cramer’s callers are only in it for the money, while he’s doing it for Tom. Petey has a question about the music of Elton Johm because his friend is trying to get him into him and everyone in his high school thinks he's goob. He’s heard a couple of songs, such as “I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues”, and he's not sure where to start in his catalog. Tom tells him to just like what he likes, but Petey fears that he’s too close-minded when it comes to music. Tom mocks the Petey voice, but Petey says at least he has more energy that some callers. Tom doesn’t think not literally falling asleep is enough, so he replays the Cramer clip. Tom wonders why he doesn’t get that kind of reaction, so Petey gives him one. Tom GOMPs him for pandering, but realizes it was actually pretty goob. Petey got him again. Tom let the existentially stupid Bill Purray joke marinate for a week and finally realized its brilliance this past Sunday.

- An excited Conner brings (starts at 2:42) some Cramerisms, but is GOMPed because he already called.

- The Associate Editor of Games magazine has (starts at 2:43) a puzzle for Tom. The other night, he had a nice sleep and woke up to a phone call. The guy on the other line was pissed because he believed the caller was responsible for the death of a couple hundred people. The caller says it's Tom's job to guess what he did. GOMPed.

- Patrick from Titus Andronicus calls (starts at 2:44) to follow up on some Myspace messages he exchanged with Tom or one of his underlings about being on a Smash or Trash segment. Tom says that he dropped the shuttlecock ball and wonders if TA is serious about being a pro outfit or content with being Weekend Warrior hobby rockers. Tom pulls the CD, and Patrick is fairly sure positive that there is no toilet mouth in the first track, "Titus Andronicus". Tom spins their theme song and while it starts off a bit The Killers-ish, he warms to the TA sound. Tom plugs their gig at Sin-é this coming Sunday and wants to know if Patrick has anything to say about that. He hopes that everyone will either want to come or at least not think ill of him for the invite. Tom asks him if he attends the same school as August and Ian because it sounds like he's falling asleep as he's trying to promote his band. Patrick says he prefers a laissez-faire approach instead of Cramer's antics. Tom offers Patrick a final opportunity to say something to him. He says he was surprised that August found the Yo La Tengo concert so boring. Tom thinks that maybe he should say thanks for getting a plug. Patrick agrees and considers it an honor to be on the station that gave us the great Daniel Johnston broadcast. Tom can't explain the snoozeatorium atmoshphere because he heard nothing about a cold water shortage on the news.

- Cpt. Jack calls (starts at 2:50) to tell Tom that he's on fire tonight. Tom wishes that Jack was ablaze. Jack says that there is a "buried treasure" in Seafaring Willis's theme song entry, "Tom's the Bomb #3". If any listeners find it, they win a Dutch treat lunch with SW. Tom speculates that the winner will end up eating out of a Dumpster. Jack likes the quip, declaring Tom the hostess with the mostest. He has to go because an orderly is after him for making a call post 10:00 p.m. Tom GOMPs him.

- Mike S. from JC/Bayonne, the Don Kirshner-like impresario of Troubleman Unlimited, calls (starts at 2:51) to endorse Titus Andronicus. The bass player for the band is currently a pain intern at the label. He's not sure if he will sign them, but says he's heard that the Insound people are into them. Mike is not that into indie rock, preferring jazz and classical. Tom thinks tonight's show is kinda like jazz -- unlistenable and only two people are interested in it.

- Tristan calls (starts at 2:53) to suggest playing the County Mounty outro at the end of the show as a way to push a borderline "L" into a W". He thinks it's the sonic boost needed to bring a tip-toeing Wile E. Coyote back from the precipice.

- A caller wants (starts at 2:54) Tom's take on Bonnaroo. Tom's not sure, but it seems like a big hippy fest. The caller has seen some Bonaroo DVDs, which make Monterey Pop seem like the best movie ever. The callers says the lineup features the likes of Ben Harper, James Brown, Sonic Youth, and then it's goes downhill from there. Another band is Gov't Mule, the worst thing Tom's ever heard. Tom was repulsed by their mix of jam, blues, and bad hard rock. Tom gives the caller one guess of which DVD he will never watch. The caller says the Bonnaroo DVD, but he's wrong. The correct answer: the Reese Witherspoon vehicle Just Like Heaven. The film also features Jon Heder, who is continually cloaked by 900 comedians in films like School For Scoundrels.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:: Bryce reveals Scooch's theory on the Kennedy assassination (hint: Lyndon Johnson and J. Edgar Hoover on X), Dennis Lindsey proposes a 16-course tasting menu for Tom's Halloween offerings, and Werner offers free rails to any callers that need a jolt.

Fire one up and have a psych freakout in Nixon's honor:

Finally, Paul F. Tompkins, Tom's sartorial superhero muse, is doing his part to keep the podcast going:

Posted by Omar at 8:48 AM | Permalink | Comments

Some more stream of consciousness from Demetri Martin

Posted by shillak at 6:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 8:15 AM | Permalink | Comments

Any hesitation I might have had about lining up for Rambo IV has been destroyed by this:

The next chapter finds Rambo recruited by a group of Christian human rights missionaries to protect them against pirates...

[via moviefiddle.]

Posted by x amount at 2:06 PM | Permalink | Comments

Whatchoo got against this?

[via todd.]

Posted by x amount at 8:31 AM | Permalink | Comments

The Atlanta Symphony Orchestra once again KICKED ASS tonight with a performance of Gustav Holst's "The Planets". Just check out "Mars, the Bringer of War" below. Listening to this piece always made me think of "Planet of the Apes" or "Mad Max", while also causing me to wonder why the hell Iron Maiden never did a cover of it [however, such pontification on the connections between classical music and 80's/90's heavy metal is best left to the graduate school essay which I will never write].

Also below is "Jupiter, the Bringer of Jollity" [the best chaser to war, no?], which you'll likely recall from the soundtrack of many a movie where the protagonist overcomes this and that in order to enjoy a jolly good moment of come-uppance.

Fun fact: Holst didn't compose a movement for Pluto. Some say it's because Pluto had yet to be discovered at the time. Others IN THE KNOW recognize the man for the visionary that he was.

Holst :: Mars, the Bringer of War
Holst :: Jupiter, the Bringer of Jollity

** Dr;rD is *still* UNfairly UNcredited for the authorship of this lyric.

Posted by mixednut at 10:23 PM | Permalink | Comments

The SASSY Michael Cera gets smothered in hugs at Open Mic Nite.

Posted by Omar at 6:44 PM | Permalink | Comments

The Mac nerd world jumped on this video days ago, but they didn't have such snappy supplementals. See the SL above and the fantastic smash-em-up below:

Jay-R - "My Other Car is a Beatle"

Posted by x amount at 8:14 AM | Permalink | Comments

"You gotta be a Commie if you don’t like the PATH train." -- Tom on the only people that could possibly dislike the trans-Hudson pleasure cruise

"I would puke my brains out." -- Spike on his reaction to Jay-Z performing with the Del Vikings

"He’s a filmmaker, yet you’re telling me he wrote the song 'Misty'." -- Tom on the multi-talented Erroll Garner

"No, I make them. And they’re not for sale." -- Spike on his prized mix CDs

"He’s a trained martial artist, that doesn’t mean he can put the biscuit in the basket." -- Tom on Batman's lack of a jump shot

"That’s the pause that really refreshes, if you ask me." -- Zeph Marshack on the throat-boining drink of no Coke and vodka

"What train line is this, and what time did this happen?" -- Tom, inquiring about the girls gone wild riding the PATH back from NYC.

"Zoom. He’s gone. You can’t tackle a UFO." -- Tristan, selling Tom on Fat Man's gridiron talents

"Oh, man. I'm so scared, man." -- Bryce, rattled by the rush of Satanism in Newbridge

“It’s kind of like my mind, but it’s also a phone.” -- Bryce on what he used to call the show

"Oh, man, it was so bad. None of the subtleties of Behemoth." -- Bryce on the subpar performance by Behemoth, Jr. at the C.O.S. Fun Fair

"I think it was a noble decision, and I think as long as we live in this country, we should support it." -- Tom, respecting Bush's oft-maligned decision to invade Iraq

"Record some old stuff! Record 'Where Have All The Rude Boys Gone'!" -- Kids complaining at Ted Leo’s all-ages recording session

"I could take Harry Shearer to school any day of the week." -- Tom on a man who is decidedly NOT the patron saint of the show

"When they go into ‘Beanbag Chair’, you see a guy walk up to the front with a revolver in his mouth, that will be me." -- Tom on his response to being compared to Fred Mertz and Dane Cook

"Start fighting! You fight, you loser!" -- Tom, informing a caller that winning isnt easy

"You ever have a room temperature Schlitz?" -- Tom, recommending his favorite beer

"It’s like seeing leftovers from a bad meal. Oh yeah, let me eat more of that awful meal." -- Tom on why he did not view the deleted scenes on the A Mighty Wind DVD

"Bill Purray. It's like Bill Murray, except with a 'P'" -- Petey, suggesting that someone needs to intervene

"I recuse myself from any Yo La Tango tickets." -- Officer Tom, taking himself out of the running twice

[TBSOWFMU - 9/26/06 / Podmirth [ON THE ROPES; low 30s at best] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

The Hold Steady - "Massive Nights"

( Click here to buy Boys and Girls in America)

The Dears - "Death Or Life We Want You"

( Click here to buy Gang of Losers)

Jennifer O'Connor - "Perfect Match"

( Click here to buy Over the Mountain, Across the Valley, and Back to the Stars)

Bound Stems - "Excellent News, Colonel"

( Click here to buy Appreciation Night)

Joe Lally - "All Must Pay"

( Click here to buy There To Here)

Redd Kross - "Jimmy's Fantasy" (from the OOP Phaseshifter)
Redd Kross - "The Faith Healer" (from the OOP Third Eye)
Redd Kross - "Peach Kelli Pop" ( Click here to buy Neurotica)

Annotated highlights of a show that kicked, pushed, kicked, pushed, and coasted to a "W":

The Youse Are On Notice series has been banned by the Bush Adminstration. It will resume in 2008.

Phone Line Update: If any other program gives out the exclusive number, Tom will contact the SEC and the ATF to rectify this horrifying, federal matter. In addition to paying for the expensive digits, Tom did half of the work required to lay the solid-platinum cables. He spent an entire weekend digging a ditch from Upper Montclair all the way to JC. While it was not fun, he did it for quality -- to provide the show with the best phone connection on Earth and create its legendary liquid gold soundz. We all know that Dr. Goofycakes has been using it, but et tu, Andy?

- Tom’s reveals (starts at 20:50) that he's got two pairs of tickets to Yo La Tengo’s big NJ show up for grabs. No Manhattan show. No Brooklyn show. One JC show. Tom loves it. Tom thinks whiny New York babies should get on the PATH train just like everybody else. It’s a simple task, and the PATH is a clean little pleasure cruise compared to the filthy, scary subways. Who doesn’t like the PATH train? Commies. Tom will be there and considers setting up his own “Party Corner”, not unlike the Kidd’s Corner at Nets games. Tom questions these pockets of enthusiasts that congregate at sporting events, as if the rest of the crowd is booing one of their star players. He wonders if the fans who designate a section of the arena as, say, “Carter’s Corner” really like Vince Carter that much more than anyone else. Since Tom is a part-time marijuana dealer, he hangs out in Cliff’s Corner at Nets games. “Cliff’s Corner” is actually a code word for a drug drop location within the Continental Airlines Arena. I'm particularly fond of Tom's house blend, which he calls "Stephen Hawking". It's so damn potent that you have to be wheeled out of wherever you smoke it. Tentpole weed!

Jazz musician and Oscar-winning filmmaker Erroll Garner operates his "Interrotron"

- Spike is the first one in (starts at 26:19), so he can turn in early after a hard day's work in the dungeon. Tom wonders if this is Spike's new term for the DMV, but Spike denies working there. Tom then does an impression of Spike assisting a customer ("Heeeelllloooo, truck driver") who needs help registering his tractor-trailer. Spike is, as always, unphased and moves on without comment. Based on the chatter about Cliff's Corner, Spike asks Tom if he’s into legalizing marijuana. Tom doesn't support the cause because it would put a dent in his successful side business. Spike thinks it should be legalized for medicinal purposes, but not for recreation. Spike is not a pot smoker -- he only does discipline and driver’s permits. Spike doesn’t need crack, marijuana, cocaine, or Xaviera Hollander, aka “The Happy Hooker”. Tom wants to know how Hollander qualifies as a drug, and Spike says he was simply pointing out that some people are addicted to sex. Spike just needs the natural high of discipline and doo-wop because nobody really gets hurt, but Tom thinks plenty of people get hurt with doo-wop. Spike disputes this and says that the music of Jenny from the Bedroom or Séance would inflict pain.

Tom proposes a dilemma for Spike to ponder: Jay-Z announces that he will spearhead a doo-wop revival and starts booking first-class package tours featuring The Orioles, the Del Vikings, and other genre heavyweights. Spike says that he’s no fan of “Jay-D”, a bush-league name change even by Spike’s low standards. Tom asks Spike if he likes Kanyay East. He doesn’t because he’s a fan of real music. Spike says that he might go to see the Del Vikings on the tour, but if Jay-Z performed with them, he would puke his brains out. He’d rather listen to the Maude theme than hear Jay-Z collaborate with any act.

Tom wants to know what’s new in Spike’s world, and he says that he’s on his 360th donut CD. When he gets a break from disciplining people, he burns mix CDs containing his favorite music. Tom asks him what he put on his most recent effort.

Spike: I did Charlie Parker, I did Errol Garner …

Tom: The filmmaker?

Spike: No. Erroll Garner, as in …

Tom: The Thin Blue Line?

Spike: No, Erroll Garner, the jazz musician.

Tom: He made a movie about jazz? No, that’s Ken Burns.

Spike: No, no, no, no. No. I made CDs of Charlie Parker’s music.

Tom: Yes. Ok, Charlie Parker, alto saxophone player.

Spike: Right. Benny Goodman, Billie Holiday …

Tom: … and Erroll Gardner, the documentarian.

Spike: No, Erroll Garner, the musician who did “Misty”.

Tom: He did a movie … wait, the guy who did … Erroll Gardner wrote “Misty”?

Spike: Right, mmm hmm.

Tom: Is that before or after he made The Thin Blue Line?

Spike: I think you’re confused.

Tom: He did that movie The Fog of War.

Spike: I never heard of it.

Tom: It was a documentary about some political dude or something. I don’t know.

Spike: Oh, no no. Well, no … I …

Tom: So he’s a filmmaker and he wrote the song “Misty”. He must be loaded.

Spike: No, he wasn’t a filmmaker. He wrote the song “Misty”, but he wasn’t a filmmaker.

Tom: I saw him win an Oscar like two years ago.

Spike: I don’t know who you mean. I don’t watch the Oscars, so I have no idea who won an Oscar …

Tom: Erroll Gardner.

Spike: No.

Tom: The documentar—

Spike: Well, anyway …

Tom: No, no, no, not anyway! No, I’m not done here.

Spike: You’re not done here. Uh-huh.

Tom: He’s a filmmaker, yet you’re telling me he wrote the song “Misty”.

Spike: No … well, I never heard of the filmmaker Erroll Garner, I heard of the musician Erroll Garner.

Tom: Ahhh, okay. So maybe there’s two Erroll Gardners.

Spike: Right.

Tom: Okay, fair enough.

Spike: Oh, and I also did … let’s see, who else, Tito Puente, and Celia Cruz …

Tom: He’s good.

Spike: …

Tom: Right?

Spike: And the usual, you know, stuff that I normally would do, you know.

Tom: Like what?

Spike: Oh, Chuck Berry, The Ronettes, The Shangri-La's …

Tom: How many times do you need to burn a Chuck Berry … what, are you finding new Chuck Berry stuff?

Spike: No, I just …

Tom: You need that one album.

Spike: No, I just did one.

Tom: Which one, the Greatest Hits?

Spike: Yes.

Tom: Okay. Anything else?

Spike: Oh, let’s see who else, The Beach Boys …

Tom: No, I don’t want to know all 360 CDs! Do you have any other topics?

Spike: Oh, you should, it’s interesting!

Tom: Oh, it’s real interesting.

Spike: Oh, yes.

Tom: It’s real interesting to see what CDs … you’re probably checkin’ ‘em out of the library.

Spike: No, I make them. And they’re not for sale.

Tom: Oh, you hear that, people? Not for sale. You cannot buy these CDs that Spike puts together.

Maybe Spike will donate a few of these precious collections for use as 2007 Marathon swag. I'm sure they would cause the phone lines to erupt with donations. Tom thought that Spike might be getting into the mix-tape business, taking his stash down to St. Mark’s Place to peddle his Garner-and-Berry mixes amidst the flow of Masta Killa boots. Spike says that his stuff is never for sale since they are his prized possessions. Tom questions the lofty status of a Chuck Berry CD since you can find it at a drugstore for $3.99. Tom also points out that you can buy Jenny from the Bedroom albums at a drugstore. This prompts a call-killing quip from Spike: “Then again, she is the drugstore, but anyway.” This was certainly the most mysterious punchline since Buzzy sold "she must give really good cross-stitch" to Zach Galifianakis. Tom GOMPs Spike for a joke that he compares to a demented Don Rickels circa 2011. Spike’s got at least 99 problems and delivering consistent calls is most definitely one of them.

Recidivism's Research Department was able to get the full list of Spike's source albums, and while he's mainly burning up the usual suspects, there were some surprises:

* The Nation of Ulysses - Plays Pretty For Baby
* Eric B. & Rakim - Paid In Full
* The Crow soundtrack
* Daniel Johnston - Yip/Jump Music
* Poison - Look What The Cat Dragged In

C.C., pick up that guitar and discipline me!

Also, fans of the Spike & Tom banter can check out them out live at Mo Pitkins on Friday night. They will be performing at midnight along with Chelsea Peretti, Jay Davis, and Akiva Smirnoff. Don't miss the duo that Time Out New York called "Abbott & Costello meets Frankie Lymon on a smack binge!"

- Christopher calls (starts at 35:25) to file a complaint against Farmer Eli. He believes that "Farmer Idiot" would be a more apt name for him. Tom doesn't know what Farmer Eli is, so Christopher tells him it's the kid who calls up all the time. The organic farmer from Central Jersey actually called twice, most notably to make a Lighthouse Confession about failing to thank a truck driver who helped him catch a bus out of Nowheresville, U.S.A. Christopher starts taunting Eli, daring him to call the show. Tom GOMPs him.

- Laurie from Miami calls (starts at 36:29) to rehash last week’s superheroes in sports discussion. She wants to know what would happen if Elongated Man was on the Chicago Bulls and Mister Fantastic was on the Miami Heat. Tom says the Heat would win because the two stretchy guys would cancel each other out, leaving the regular, inelastic Heat vs. Bulls. Tom may want to rethink that pick now that the Bulls have his buddy Ben Wallace! Laurie wants to know who would be the better individual player, and Tom goes with Mister Fantastic. Laurie throws Plastic Man into the mix, and Tom dismisses him as a goofy, streetballer. Laurie doubts anyone could take him seriously, and Tom says the stupid goggles make him look like a basketball player. Laurie thinks Elongated Man would win because he has “drive”, whereas Mister Fantastic is too nerdy. Tom says the victor will be crowned when they both join the NBA and battle it out against each other. Laurie will be watching.

Tom declares Batman the worst superhero athlete since he only has a utility belt, certainly a clumsy accessory for athletic endeavours. Laurie vigorously disputes the selection, reminding Tom that Batman is a trained martial artist. Tom thinks he’d blow out his knee and end up no different than anybody else. Plus, Tom has no idea if he can actually put the biscuit in the basket. In short: Batman is no Bob Pollard. Laurie clings to Batman’s sporting dreams by suggesting that he could take his kickboxing skills to the UFC. Tom says that’s not a sport -- it’s an entertainment show like wrestling. Either way, Laurie thinks he would win a title.

The discussion shifts to proper organized sports, and Tom says that with no super powers at his disposal, Batman would be an average player, limping after a rough slide into second trying to stretch out a double. Laurie cites Batman’s good reflexes as a plus and wonders if Night Wing would be better. Tom thinks he’d be worse. Robin? Just as bad. I think Robin would kill on Dancing With The Stars, though.

Laurie is a big comic book fan, and her current favorite is X-Factor. She also likes Multiple Man, who would likely be a solid defensive player. At this point, Tom wants to know if Laurie has had anything to drink this evening since she sounds “a little loose” as she’s winding down from the day. Laurie says she consumed Diet Coke with lime. Tom adds “… in a big vodka glass" and then does an impression of Laurie pouring Diet Coke into a glass that had somehow already been half full of vodka. Since it would be a shame to waste that perfectly good Diet Coke, Laurie consumes the mixture in Tom’s scenario. Laurie is quite amused by Tom’s accusation and ends the call without officially denying the pre-call libation.

- Christopher is back (starts at 41:36) to ask Tom if he’s on Myspace. He is. He wants Tom to log on right now so people can chat and stuff. Tom informs him that people can do that on the FOT Chat. Christopher wants to know what that is, and Tom gets rid of him because he sounds like he has somebody held hostage. Creepy.

- Zeph Marshack calls (starts at 42:10) to second the gentlemen that was talking about the addictions to the DVDs of the pornographic varietay. Tom’s not sure who he’s referring to, so Zeph says that it was the Dungeon Master (aka Spike) who was talking about "The Happy Hooker". Zeph is the uncle of Rose from The Poster Children, and Tom says that he got yelled at the last time he added “The” to the band name. Zeph thinks Tom deserved it from what he’s hoid. Tom wants him to spell the word he’s pronouncing as “hoid”. Zeph spells it h-e-a-r-d and accuses Tom of playing a northern prank on him.

Zeph now lives in Columbia, S.C., but he’s originally from parts unknown and on the lam from John Q. Law. Zeph refers to Tom and Laurie’s chat about the cola and the vodka, which Zeph refers to as “the pause that really refreshes.” Zeph loves to wind down at the end of the day with some vodka and cola, and he drinks a little more of the vodka than the cola. For every “bit” of vodka, Zeph likes no cola. Tom confirms that he’s pretty much just drinking straight vodka. Zeph says it looks like water, but it’s hot and boines the throat. Tom’s not sure what that word is, so Zeph tells him that the throat is what the liquid goes down en route to the gullet. Tom was referring to “boines” and asks him to spell that. Zeph obliges with t-h-a-t because Tom said “spell that”. Tom says he’s being kind of a wiseguy, and Zeph accuses Tom of the same charge. Tom says he was looking to find out what that word was, and Zeph says that he’s looking to challenge Tom to a slapfight.

Tom wants to know if it would be part of official league play, and Zeph says he heard that there is a tough league up there with clubs like the Newbridge Redfaces and the Westbridge Handprints. Tom has never stepped into the nonagon, but he does know some people who are in the slapfight league. Zeph says he’s real good at slapfighting because he gets his hands tough and calloused by holding them over an open flame. He also goes down to the local zoo and spanks rhinos. Tom heard they were violent creatures, and Zeph says that they have to be tethered. Tom asks Zeph to name the best superhero slapfighters. Zeph goes with Car Man, a short-lived Marvel character whose lower torso is a car. Tom’s never heard of him. He also thinks that Skillet Man would be good because his hands are skillets. Before he starts slapping, Skillet Man sprays Pam® on his hands to get a smooth surface. Zeph says that he also applies the cooking spray to something else, and this leads him back full circle to the original thing he was talking about: the porn. Tom thinks Zeph’s made his point, but Zeph hasn’t even begun and will be going into the wee hours to do so. He promises to keep Tom posted on his progress.

- Pauline from Montclair calls (starts at 55:12) during her first exposure to The Best Show. She's a New Yorker who moved to NJ about a year ago and finds that riding the PATH train late at night is like getting a free show. The stars are groups of 2-6 girls dressed in prim pastels and teenie-tiny sandals as if they stepped out of Sex and the City or Friends. When they are coming in, they look all nice and pristine. But when they are coming home at 1 a.m., they are completely disheveled, their outfits full of dirt and vomit, writhing around on the floor, legs flailing about. In one scene, Pauline observed a girl trying to help her friend up the stairs. She couldn’t pull it off, so a guy offered to help. The girl was practically passed out, so the guy brought her up the stairs at the PATH station and didn’t know what to do with her. Her friend suggested a drop point, and the guy didn’t look to see how he was dispensing the drooping girl. Consequently, her little dress went up over her shoulders to reveal her thong. Proud, Kodak moments. Pauline is certain that this girl will be a great wife for someone someday.

Pauline said this incident happened about six months ago, but similar scenes happen all the time. Tom wants to know exactly what time it happens. Pauline says the prime hours to see the girls at their most wasted is around 1:30 a.m. to 3:30 a.m. She greatly enjoys seeing the transformation of their “cuffed” hair since she is totally “uncuffed”. Someone’s been studying at the Zeph Marshack School of Pronounciation! Tom doesn’t know what she’s saying and thought it might be “coughed”. Pauline says it’s a term that refers to having your hair perfectly kept and your nails nicely manicured. Tom thinks the words she’s looking for are “combed” and “uncombed”. Pauline says that her hair is curly, so it does what it wants. Tom asks if that’s why she doesn’t comb it, and Pauline confirms that she just puts her fingers through it. If she combed it, it would erupt into a big afro. Tom thinks that might be a cool look.

Tom sums up her call by saying that she has essentially given every prevert free license to ride the PATH train. She has listed the ingredients necessary to concoct a "prevert bomb". Pauline says she’s been called an instigator, and she’s done it again. While she observed debauchery in the 1980s club scene, she particularly enjoys watching the duality of proper suburban pretties transforming into ragged party monsters in the course of an evening. Pauline’s reference to the 1980s club circuit made me remember the time that Michael Alig smashed me over the head with his roller skates at Limelight because I got him the wrong variety of Special K. Good times. My Club Kids name was "Commander Giggles".

- Mike from East Rutherford calls (starts at 59:46) to complain about two things Tom was talking about during last week’s show. The first was Tom ripping on the wonderful sport of hockey. He can’t believe a man of Tom’s intelligence cannot come to appreciate how hockey is the greatest sport ever. What? Stick skating? Mike wants to know Tom’s favorite sport. It is, of course, basketball, which is Mike’s least favorite. Tom recommends that he talk all about how good hockey is and how lousy basketball is on his radio show. Tom GOMPs him for not understanding the concept of having opinions. Tom is not making a pronouncement like some kind of emperor.

- Tom from Brooklyn the Carlsbad Caves calls (starts at 1:01) to say that Pauline was looking for the word “coifed”. Tom says his phone line is horrible, and Tom from Brooklyn blames the echo chamber effect on his cell carrier, Cgrflnr.

- Tristan calls (starts at 1:02) with a correction, which initially sets Tom off on a rant about this being The Gotcha Show. However, Tristan quickly wins Tom back by saying that as an FOT, the pledge dictates that we do as The Kid says. Tristan is a hockey fan, but Tom has spoken: hockey isn’t good. Tom is happy to be re-empowered. Tristan wants to know what Tom thinks of Fat Man’s prospects in sports. While this old DC character has the ability to turn into a UFO, he still chose to name himself after his obesity. Tom says that anyone who can turn into a UFO will have success in professional sports. Tristan thinks he would have the high jump covered, but Tom reminds him that the topic is sports. Tristan says he would do well in football since you could toss him the ball and then zoom! He's gone. You can’t tackle a UFO. Tom is sold on Fat Man. Tristan is done so he tells Tom to have a nice night. Tom loves the all business approach that keeps the show moving. Tristan was in the lead for the Yo La Tengo tickets, but he lives in Providence, R.I., so he’s not.

Hilarious tidbit in this sparse Fat Man bio: “His costume, incorporating a curtain and a lampshade, left a lot to be desired.”

The Real SM: Bryce discovers the wonders of nature in the woods behind Newbridge Commons

- Bryce calls (starts at 1:06) in a state of quivering fear because things have become really creepy since he last talked to Tom. He’s been hanging around Mr. Keith Kincaid, Tom’s Satanic neighbor, the last couple of weeks. Bryce said that Keith seemed like a super cool dude who came on real nice at first by paying to have his lean-to shanty patched up and insulated. Keith also bought him some new Cargo pants and as many rails as he wanted. Tom’s initially disgusted by the coke buys, but agrees not to judge Bryce on this one since he sounds so scared. Keith even had him over to his house for hot dogs and handburgers. Tom says he will let “handburgers” slide, and Bryce tells Tom not to judge him because he ate meat. Tom’s says he's not judging him because he ate meat, so Bryce thinks the hot dogs may be the problem. Tom says those are fine, but he has an issue with “handburgers” because he thinks the correct term is “hamburgers”. Bryce correctly points out that they're not made from ham, and you eat them with your hand. Tom’s actually not even sure what it is correct anymore.

Keith also gave him a really cool robe to keep him warm in the woods. Since Keith was totally helping him out, he became his #1 Dude. But then Keith started making Bryce do stuff because -- in his words -- Bryce owed him. Tom wants to know what tasks he assigned. Bryce says he doesn’t know if this is news to Tom, but Keith really doesn’t like him. Tom says he’s pretty aware of Keith’s feelings at this point. Bryce says that Keith called Tom a “total slob”, said his grass is too long, and accused him of sending the wrong message to local garbage men. Tom heard all about that last week. Bryce then says: “Don’t even get me started on that garden hose.” Tom wants to know if Bryce is quoting Keith or saying it himself. Bryce is saying it because he got an earful from Keith on the topic. Bryce says that Keith came up with some derogatory names for Tom: Slob Scharpling, Tall Grass Feldman, and High Hose McGinley. Tom assumes that the latter is a result of him mounting his garden hose seven inches too high on the side of his house. Bryce reminds Tom that Keith also didn’t like the low-end Ace bracket he used.

Bryce feels really bad about following Keith’s order to get keys made to fit the locks in Tom’s house. Tom wants to know how he pulled that off, and Bryce says that Keith gave him a graphite plug that was inserted into the keyhole. It expands, and then you can get copies made from the mold. Bryce had to give the keys to Werner, who Tom thinks is the cause of all the recent trouble in Newbridge. Bryce wants to know if Tom has seen him. Tom’s says that he looks like Rutger Hauer, but with the black mustache and really blond hair. He’s also short -- Bryce estimates that he’s only 4’ 2”. Werner went into Tom’s house last Tuesday with those keys and put literature for Keith’s church on Tom’s pillow. Tom found it, and he was terrified. Bryce’s connection seems to go out for a few seconds, so Tom wants to know what he’s calling on. Bryce says it's kind of like his mind, but it's also a phone. Tom says there is not enough time to figure out what that is.

Keith also made him hunt and capture Broham, a fox/dog that lives out in the woods near his lean-to. He then had Bryce bring it to the Fun Fair at his house this past weekend. Keith told Bryce that he invited Tom, but Tom was hiding out all weekend because he was a little scared. Bryce can imagine. Bryce brought Broham over, and Keith got super mad because Broham isn’t really an animal after all. It’s not even a living being. In a nutshell, Bryce has been smoking so much Westbridge crippler weed that he hallucinated that it was a living animal. It turns out that it was only a log, Bryce thought it was a fox because it was talking to him. Tom points out that foxes don’t talk anyway. Bryce says this one did and it sang to him, too. Bryce gives a sample of the log’s tune:

Sweet blossom come on under the willow

We can have high times if you'll abide

Bryce says that Mike the Associate Producer would recognize the song. Mike identifies it as the Grateful Dead but wants another performance to detect the specific track. Bryce obliges, adding two more lines:

Sweet blossom come on under the willow

We can have high times if you'll abide

We can discover the wonders of nature

Rolling down something down by the riverside

Mike says it’s “Sugar Magnolia”, which Bryce shortens to “SM”, aka "the real SM", not that other fake one. Tom has no idea what the fake one is, so Bryce explains that it’s a reference to a smart, rich kid slummin’ it in punk and independent music. Bryce isn’t on the best of terms with him due to an incident a few years ago when he played a show in Newbridge. They got into a shoving match at Radio Hut when Bryce was about to buy their last 1/4-inch adapter and he nudged in to scoop it up, totally snaking Bryce. Bryce don't dig that, so he retaliated by shoving him. He shoved Bryce back, and then Bryce shoved him into a rack of gift certificates, knocking him over. After that, Bryce ran and got away unscathed. This is the first Bryce has spoken about the incident, so he informs Tom that he’s got an exclusive on his hands. Tom says that people are gonna really be excited by that, and Bryce picks up on a little bit of sarcasm. Tom thinks that he sometimes needs to get a better measure of what people will really be excited about. Bryce says the only thing he measures is "down below.” Bryce appears to be pleased with these measurements.

When Keith discovered that Broham was just a log, he made Bryce give him all of his weed. Keith said that it’s a terrible thing and makes people stupid. Keith said that he was going to turn it all over to Officer Harrups, but Bryce is almost 100% sure he saw Keith sell it to Reggie Monroe at the Fun Fair. Tom wants to know who else attended the event. Bryce says Troy Renfro, Craig Cooper, and a tiny guy with a weird birthmark on his head -- Barry Dworkin, frontman for The Gas Station Dogs. He identified himself as a musician, but he currently works at the Citgo on Muffler Row. Tom says it sounds like a "Who’s That" of Newbridge. Bryce says it was kind of a happening until this happened.

Keith announces that there will be a blood sacrifice. Since Broham did not actually contain any blood, he had to seek out a replacement. After a couple of minutes, Keith brings out what he said was a goat covered in a white sheet. He handed it off to a hulking guy in dark robe with a big hood over his face. Bryce says the shrouded figure was super creepy. The guy raises a crystalish, sparkly knife above his head. As he’s about to plunge it down, the hood falls off. It was Officer Harrups, a member of the C.O.S. Harrups slams the knife down, but there are no cries or screams from the goat. Bryce then noticed something that looked like a green snake dangling from under the sheet. He realized that it was Tom’s garden hose. Keith couldn’t find a real being to sacrifice, so he thought of what he hates the most and ran across the street to grab Tom’s offensive hose.

Tom didn’t notice that it was gone. Bryce says that Keith told him that Tom is a very delinquent lawn person who doesn’t keep up with his yard work. As a result, Keith decided to kill Tom’s hose. Bryce didn’t say anything because he was so scared. After that, there was the Dance Party with Behemoth, Jr. Bryce disliked the performance because it lacked the subtleties of Behemoth. Bryce proves his point by performing a snippet of a Behemoth song to demonstrate the power of the original band. He then does Behemoth, Jr’s rendition, which is much more limp and not imposing or spooky at all. Bottom line: Behemoth without the cojones. As a result, nobody is dancing, so Bryce does his “Phil Zone Funk”, which he achieves by dancing around in a circle while flailing his elbows. Bryce describes it as "The Funky Chicken" meets Dick’s Picks, Vol. 3.

Tom slams Dick’s Picks for being terrible, and Bryce wonders if Mike is going to let Tom talk like that. Tom says that he’s entitled to his opinion and doesn’t think Mike cares. Bryce thought Mike was on the GD tip and calls him a fair-weather fan. Keith got very mad because the dance was messing up his grass, so he made Bryce sit in his living room and watch Cocoon, his favorite film of all-time. Bryce thought it was pretty good. While Bryce was screening the film, Keith made everyone else take off their clothes and dance naked in a circle. Bryce watched from the window and saw some big puffs of smoke, which obscured the action. When the smoke cleared 10 minutes later, everyone’s clothes were gone. And so were the Kincaids. Tom asks where they went, and Bryce thinks it’s a good question. They stole everything and skidaddled out of town. Officer Harrups was very mad, and he told Bryce that he doesn't even like the C.O.S. -- he just likes stabbin’ stuff. Tom thinks this is a great quality for a law enforcement official. They thought things were really bad because they couldn’t find Reggie Monroe anywhere, but then they heard moaning coming from the bushes. It was Reggie doing his thing.

Bryce just hopes Willie understands, referring to Willie Nelson getting busted last week for weed and 'shrooms. Bryce ratted him out after talking to his buddy Big Little Tiny, who works as Willie's drum tech. They were chatting the night before the bust, and BLT told Bryce their planned route through Louisiana. Bryce mentioned it in passing to Keith, who made him contact the Louisiana authorities to tell them that Willie & Co. would be holding. Bryce says he had no choice because Keith threatened to smash his lean-to. Tom wonders why Keith cares and wants Willie Nelson to get busted. Bryce says that Keith hates pot. Tom points out that he has no problem with coke. Bryce says they are two different things:

Pot = "Oh, man"
Coke = "OH MAN!"

The worst part is that Werner did smash his lean-to, and Bryce is now sleeping on the roof of the Lady Foot Locker, using wet newspapers for blankets. Bryce says that Werner seems like a cool guy. He never got the word from Keith to call off the smashing, so he’s very sorry that he went through with it. Werner offered to help organize Lean-To Aid 2. A transient a couple years ago had his lean-to smashed, so they had a benefit concert featuring Mother 13, Sister Sheila, and The Gas Station Dogs. Tom thinks that the lineup probably brought in just enough money to repair a lean-to. Werner wants to know if Tom will co-MC Lean-To Aid 2 with Rutager. Tom wants Bryce to be OK, but he passes on the offer. Bryce can’t believe it, saying it's the biggest shock in his life since he found out that Rat Dog wasn't coming through town. Tom’s at a loss for words and says that life is full of shocks and disappointments. Bryce is getting shocked right now because he put his finger in a light socket. Tom wants to know why he’s doing that, and Bryce says it seemed like a cool thing to do. He then yells in pain before hanging up. Is Bryce dead from electrocution?

- Doug in Brooklyn calls (starts at 1:27) to follow up on Tom's praise for Mr. George W. Bush two weeks ago during the Air America simulcast debacle. He wants to know what Tom likes so much about the President. Tom wants to know if Doug has an hour. Luckily, he’s free until 11:00 p.m. Tom likes Bush's confidence, his snap-to-it decision making, the choices he makes, and his leadership. Doug starts laughing because he thinks Bush has made some poor choices, such as the war in Iraq. Tom disagrees. Tom thinks it was a noble decision, and he believes that as long was we live in this country, we should support it.

Doug thinks the noble Al Franklin might disagree, but Tom thinks Franklin is terrible for writing a book slamming newscaster Bill Beutel. Doug is not familiar with him, so Tom suggests that he learn some American history to come up with an informed opinion on the topic. Tom declares America the "Home of Learning", which puzzles Dough, who thought that America was the worst in education. Tom informs him that we are the smartest country on Earth. Doug wonders if there’s a test, and Tom says we all took it and passed. Thankfully, Doug did not take it because he would have skewed the grade. Tom says he’s clearly not that smart. Tom was one of the five million people from each country who battled it out. The results are in: America #1. Kazakhstan came in at #177 -- 75% of their answer sheets were ungradeable because they were soaked with fermented horse urine.

Tom’s not sure of his percentile because they don’t provide the individual results. There was a big article on in the issue of InStyle magazine with Kate Hudson on the cover. Tom says that Doug can check it out at the library. Doug thinks it sounds really hott, but Tom’s not interested in that -- he’s interested in education. Tom GOMPs Doug for being a prevert.

- Medium Teddy Leo, frontman for Ted Leo & the Pharmacists, calls (starts at 1:30) to find out if Al Franklin really wrote a book slamming poor Bill Beutel. Tom confirms that he did indeed write The Truth About Beutel. Ted’s not pleased since he grew up with Beutel. Tom did as well and thinks he’s a good guy. Ted’s still toiling away on the new album and while there arezero songs completed, he, Little Danny, and Big Steve are well on their way with eight or nine tunes. Last week, Ted mentioned his lyrical problems, which continue to persist. Tom got a set of lyrics from a listener for Ted’s review. Jonathan from Maplewood, N.J., wrote the words to a song called “When Nerds Talk”. He set them to the tune of “When Doves Cry”, but Ted’s not Weird Al and has no use for tunes. He’s got tunes! He needs lyrics!

First Verse:

Dig if you will the picture of Kirk and Picard in a fight.

Which would stand victorious? If you said, Jean-Luc, baby, you were right.

Picture 10 college cheerleaders, all versed in Lord of the Rings.

They roll a 12-sided die to see who gets at you first, all the while blasting “Court of the Crimson King”.

Chorus:

How could they film Daredevil? Han Solo shot Greedo first.

Season 8 of X-Files was lousy, but season 9 was far, far worse.

300 pounds, an asthmatic, think I’m in need of a walk.

Now replace "walk" with "sheet cake" -- this is what it sounds like when nerds talk.

Tom thinks it’s worth considering because the lyricist is a fellow New Jerseyian. Ted has a lot of time for fellow Garden Staters, but he does have a few problems with the songwriting. He doesn’t think that Lord of the Rings fans are necessarily D&D players. He also rejects the obophobia present in the “sheet cake” line, questioning the link between obesity and nerdity. Ted dispels the common myth that all nerds are obese, and all obese people are nerds. The contribution was not a total loss because Ted will take the lyrics and add them in the category of things he doesn’t want to sing about. This will help him narrow the category of things he does want to sing about. Ted makes it clear that he is not rejecting nerds because 90 percent of his audience is in that category, as is the band itself. Tom and Ted compile a list of things that Ted does want to write about.

1. Love/All Of Its Trappings (a stretch for Ted)

2. Obophobia/Body Issues

3. I Hate George Bush (to get radio airplay; also a bit of a stretch)

Tom proposes I Hate George Bush, but I Love America, but this is a problem for Ted because he feels the opposite way.

4. What Happened to Rock ‘N Roll? (may involve Joe Strummer)

Ted is also intrigued by the FOT Chat suggestion of Where Have All the Suedeheads Gone?, but nixes Picking Up A Hot Lady Hitchhiker.

5. Ted’s Heroes

  a.) Hugh Masekela
  b.) The Pharmacists (potential song title: “The Boys in the Band”)
  c.) The Kid (noted on the list by Tom as “MEEEE!!!”)

Ted says that most stuff will be done by next Tuesday, but there will still be some room for additional lyrics, so the Rock Challenge is still on. Someone on the chat suggests “We Didn’t Start The Fire 2006”, but Ted would never dare to approach the stellar original by Senor Joel himself, who is also one of Ted’s heroes. Having already conquered the world of rap, Ted is bringing the same Rap Battle mentality to rock. Ted learned the lesson of branching out and entrepreneurship from the rap world. If Ted could launch any product, he would start an indie pants label since the only thing he lacks is pants that fit him well. No logo sewn on the back pocket -- they just have to fit.

After some early work with Bob Clearmountain and Tony Visconti, Ted settled on Brendan Canty of Fugazi as a producer. He only charges $5/hour for studio work, but it’s a drag that it’s an all-ages session with kids running around all day. Also, half of the budget goes to buying markers to draw Xs on the kids’ hands. The kids also complain because Ted is not recording any old material.

Creedence Clearwater Revival - "Sweet Hitch-Hiker"

Fugazi - "Great Cop"

- August calls (starts at 2:06), and, as usual, begins by sticking up for The Kid, noting that most of the previous callers were trying to force their opinions on him and change his mind. August says it shouldn’t be up to them to decide what he wants or enjoys. Tom agrees -- The Kid just wants to live! Tom thinks August might be interested in attending the Yo La Tengo rock concert. He is, but Tom’s not sure if he can give the tickets to a young lad of eight 13. August suspects that Tom thought he was younger because his friends like The Hampster Dance. Tom thought August said last week that he was the one who turned them onto the song, but August doesn’t remember that part of his call. Tom wants to know if little August has ever been to a big rock ‘n roll show. He has, and it was also Yo La Tengo. Finally! August likes a specific band. He doesn’t have a favorite song, but he likes what he hears.

August would likely attend with one of his friends, although they are not sure they would be allowed to go without parental supervision. (August’s parents would undoubtedly be concerned that they’d come back high from too much sugar intake.) Tom hopes he sees him at the Party Corner, and August promises to find him if he makes it to the show. Tom says it won’t be hard to locate him because people will be watching his corner while the band is on stage, mesmerized by his crazy dancing and George Segal-inspired banjo stylings. Since August’s phone line is really bad, he's DQ’d from consideration for the tickets. Later in the show, Tom said he might bring a jet pack so he could fly around the Loews Theater to further make the event all about HIM.

- Richard from Chicago's BOOMING voice declares (starts at 2:09) Burt Reynolds's J.J. McClure character in The Cannonball Run the patron saint of The Best Show. Richard says he'll talk softer, but Tom says the high volume was due to having the sotto voce August POT'd up all the way. Tom plugs Richard's Bad at Sports podcast, his own brand of weekly mirth, music, and mayhem that focusing on the local art scene. Tom delivers an intro that promises listeners reviews of paintings, and Richard says he will use to lead off the next show. Tom vows to sue him if he does. In his spare time, Richard is a lawyer, so he could easily mix it up with Tom in the courtroom. Tom thinks his case is weak because he clearly stated that he can’t use it. Tom will end up owning the podcast and will start hiring perverts to review Gentlemen’s Clubs. Richard doesn’t think the BaS audience would be able to tell the difference. (Note: Richard did indeed use it to start Episode #57; Tom has secured disgraced barrister Montgomery Davies to represent him.)

Tom wants to know when Richard will interview Tom on the podcast. Richard says he will drop everything and chat up The Kid the next time he’s in Chicago. Tom wonders why he’s lobbying to be interviewed on a podcast since he already has a weekly, three-hour forum to express his views. Richard thinks there may just be too much Tom Scharpling to be contained in just those three hours.

- A caller nominates Harry Shearer (starts at 2:13) as the patron saint because he has shtick and he’s mildly entertaining with that 40- to 50-year-old subversive, outcast banter that Tom lacks but tries to cultivate. The caller denies suggesting that Tom is a wannabe Harry Shearer; rather, he thinks he’s a worthy saint because he has the qualities that Tom seeks to emulate with smoke and mirrors. Tom thinks he must be kidding because he can take Harry Shearer to school any day of the week.

Tom thinks that Shearer only did one good movie in his life. The caller doesn’t know about his movies, but he knows his radio work. Tom thinks Le Show is horrible, both in terms of content and its dated name. The caller doesn’t find The Best Show to be a much more innovative title. Tom points out that his title is a statement, whereas Shearer’s is a weird, early 1980s thing. The caller suggests that Tom may be Shearer’s patron saint, and Tom prefers that notion because he learned nothing from him other than how to not do radio. The caller thinks that he needs to get out his "dowzer (sp?) stick" and have Tom reveal his redeeming qualities and value as a host, which would help him select a more appropriate patron saint. He was obviously quite confused because he was also considering Mr. T and Webster. Tom would prefer if he took said "dowzer stick" and smashed himself in the face with it. Tom GOMPs him and wants to know what a “dowzer stick” is. As do I.

- Jesse from New York calls (starts at 2:15) from a walky talky, although he claims it's a Pocket PC. Tom says that is close, but not all the way to phone status. Jesse nominates Gary Busey for Best Show patron sainthood. Tom hates him, and Jesse says that’s exactly the point. Tom thinks the Busey nod is about as good as his phone. When Tom was a kid, you typed on your computer and talked on a phone. Oh, the gadgets.

- Robert in the T-Dot calls (starts at 2:16) to agree that Shearer is insufferable. Tom mentions Shearer’s complaints about the declining quality of The Simpsons and offers a solution: stop taking their money and leave. Robert says he never fails to make a reference to either The Simpsons or “The Tap”, a film he starred in 48 years ago. Tom doesn’t deny its greatness, but other than that, Shearer’s done a whole lotta nothing. Tom thinks that Shearer played Squiggy on Laverne & Shirley, and Mike confirms it. Robert mentions that Shearer does a terrible rap in every show, i.e., a 60-year-old man performing what he thinks a rap would sound like. Tom cites the lame intros ("Well I'm Dan Rather, and I'm here to say ...") Shearer performs on his Dropping Anchors record, indicating that he hasn't actually heard a rap in 21 years. Tom also wonders if it's possible to come up with a project more inconsequential than mocking newcasters.

Robert is a new podcast listener, and Tom tells him to promote it to people around those weird hot dog carts. Tom said that when he was in Toronto, he saw a guy reach around the spoon and dip into the self-serve bin with his dirty fingers to pull out some pickles. Tom points out that the spoon is not a blockade on the path to the condiments -- it's a utensil that should be used to retrieve them. Needles to say: no pickles on Tom's veggie dog.

- Stephen from Chicago apologizes (starts at 2:19) for tainting the “W” with his cruddy cell phone connection last week. Tom forgives him. He has also has a patron saint for The Best Show: Ted Knight. Stephen has hit it out of the park. Knight’s saintly reign would, of course, be as Judge Elihu Smails, not as Ted Baxter or the dude -- Henry Rush -- who drew the "Cosmic Cow" comic strip on Too Close For Comfort. Tom thinks that Rush was always too hard on Monroe, who meant him no harm. He orders Rush to lay off him.

- Dennis Lindsey calls (starts at 2:21) to see if Tom will be providing candy for kids this Halloween. Lindsey, who lives a few streets over from Tom, is contacting all of his neighbors to make a list of te houses that will be participating in the trick-or-treating. Tom will have plenty of candy, and Dennis confirms that Tom’s house is the one with all the grass. He says that Tom is a little hard to get ahold of, and Tom says that he works during the day. Dennis understands because he’s a working man who just got home from the office. One of the other neighbors let Dennis know that Tom had a radio show. He didn’t mean to bother him, but that was the only way he knew to contact him. Dennis might call again in the coming weeks to confirm. Tom says he can pencil it in. Natas Acres is alive!

Good Guys Win: Tom's top-shelf handiwork for Miller Lite's Man Laws campaign

- Sean from Harveys Lake, PA., calls (starts at 2:25) to say that Burt Reynolds is a terrible choice for the patron saint. He wants to know if Tom has seen the Miller Lite “Man Laws” advertisements featuring Reynolds. Not only has Tom seen them, but he also wrote four of them. Sean doesn’t like them. Tom’s shocked. Sean thinks they are laddish, nonsensical, FHM bologna. Tom’s original idea: A man needs a beer. He runs over another person with is car to get to a single beer. That’s it. Sean likes that, but Miller didn’t like that because they already had Reynolds, Eddie Griffin, and Triple H lined up.

Sean thinks that the ads disqualify Reynolds, and he supports the candidacy of Ted Knight. He was originally thinking of Jack Soo from Barney Miller, but Tom is more of a Glass man. Sean points out that Soo is deceased, which gives him an edge since he is already looking over you. Sean also thought that Bill Beutel’s onetime partner Roger Grimsby would be a worthy choice. Sean notes that Grimsby cuffed his hair so far back that you could see where his freckled face faded into bright-white scalp. Ted Knight remains in the lead. Sean ends with a Good/Not So Good on the Men of the Square Table and Tom, of course, votes Good.

Sean wants to know how the Good Guys are doing in their quest to win in 2006. Tom says things are going well -- the Miller Lite gig netted him $410,000. Sean wants to know who else is winning. Tom tells him to start fighting and not lay there and let the world squash him. It’s not called Good Guys Inherit -- you gotta get on the court and Bring It!

- Listener Paul calls (starts at 2:29) in the midst of some kind of dream state after he heard the beer talk. He read in a brewery publication that Anheuser-Busch bought Rolling Rock, shut down the Old Latrobe plant, and shifted production to Brick City. Tom says people may get the rock rolled on them if it’s coming out of Newark. Paul doubts that the glass-line tanks will make the trek to the label’s new home. Tom doesn’t care about the brewing vessels, but he agrees with Paul that it’s horrible for people to lose their jobs in the transition. Tom gives Anheuser-Busch the dreaded thumbs-down. Tom’s a Miller man, and Paul recently sampled Philly Boy Roy-fave Yeungling, which he thought was pretty good.

Tom recommends a room temperature Schlitz’s (Paul’s had that pleasure) or a slightly warm Milwaukee’s Best. Tom wouldn’t actually boil it, but he says that you should get the stove warm and set the beer alongside the open pilot lights for three minutes. Remove it, crack it open, and enjoy. Paul attempts to make a long story short by rambling on about the landlord -- a nice Christian man -- at his Mendham flophouse who freaked out when he saw a Pabst beer can he left on the table. Tom wonders why Paul didn’t turn the can for the three-cent deposit. Tom asks Paul to get the other residents of the flophouse to listen to the show. If any of them steal a computer and iPod, as well as hijack someone’s Internet connection, they can check out the podcast. Paul says the the landlord has computers scattered all around the flophouse. Tom’s done with him.

- Erica from Weehawken calls (starts at 2:33) to win some Yo La Tengo tickets. She has a combo patron saint: Fred Mertz from I Love Lucy with and Dane Cook. Tom is not pleased with the comparison, but, in a perverse way, he wants to give her the tickets. Erica wonders about the perversity because she’s being straight up with Tom. This makes it even worse. Tom tells her that when YLT go into "Beanbag Chair", a man will walk up to the front of the stage with a revolver in his mouth. That will be Tom. Erica clarifies that Tom has the looks of Dane Cook, who is hott, and the funny personality of Mertz. This wins Tom over. Erica is unable to cite the real name of Mertz, but Tom says that unless someone knocks her out, she wins the tickets. All she has to do is root for bad calls for the next 20 minutes.

Erica was accused of having never listened to the show before on the FOT Chat, but she dispels that notion but suggesting that the charge is based on the fact that typically only men call. Her favorite caller is rising star, August.

- Dennis Lindsey returns (starts at 2:37) on speaker phone so he can test it out for a conference call he has tomorrow. He's concerned because one of his three sons is 16 and plans to go out in what Lindsey determined to be his last year of Halloween eligibility. Tom says the age is not a problem. Lindsey also wrote up an optional agreement that he is distributing to all the other neighbors to sign. The document states that Tom will be home and offering candy on 10/31. He wants Tom’s fax number, but Tom refuses. It was just piece of mind for Dennis, but he’ll take Tom’s word for it. Tom is glad that he's mapping it out a month in advance, and Dennis says that he’s known for his planning skills. He also suggests that Tom should change his hold music to something by Big & Rich.

- A caller nominates (starts at 2:40) Neil Diamond as patron saint for always saving the show with a certain little jingle. Tom’s verdict: interesting not that interesting. The caller begins crying and hangs up.

- A caller has (starts at 2:41) has a Good/Not So Good: the iPod. Tom isn’t sure. The caller says he would use it for commuting on the subway and listening to The Best Show podcast. In that case, Tom says Good. Tom does not flaunt his in public -- he uses it in his car. The caller wishes he owned a car. Cars? Good.

- Michael from Milwaukee gives (starts at 2:43) gives props to warm beer as he sips a warm Mickey’s. That’s all he has to say about that. Tom has one thing to say about it: worst call of the evening.

- Robert in San Francisco calls (starts at 2:44) to stick up for the soft-serve Harry Shearer. While Robert is impressed that Shearer does all the voicework since he has no callers, Tom views it as a sign of cowardice -- he’s afraid to mix it up with the public. Robert cites Shearer’s great impression of Mike Wallace and his work as Mr. Burns and all those other crazy Springfield citizens. He doesn't think that Tom will ever touch him, and Tom hopes he doesn’t. Tom doesn’t care about Shearer and directs Robert to do a dance in his honor if he thinks he’s so great. Robert mentions his work in the Christopher Guest mockumentaries, such as A Mighty Wind, which Tom finds indisputably horrible. He wants to know if Tom perused the extras on the DVD. Tom had a hard enough time making it through the scenes they actually chose to put in the movie. He compares viewing the deleted scenes to devouring the leftovers from an awful meal. Robert thinks Tom’s missing out, and Tom says that Shearer is all his. Robert seems satisfied and parts with an “over and out.” Tom would actually give him the YLT tickets if he wasn't based in SF.

- A caller has (starts at 2:46) two television-based Good/No So Good entries. Northern Exposure and the similarly-themed Men In Trees. Tom goes with Not So Good on both. The caller then nominates the MIA Hall of Famer Gord for patron saint of the show.

- Petey checks in (starts at 2:47) with Good/Not So Good: Drinking cough syrup Bill Murray. Tom says Good. Petey follows that up with "Bill Purray" -- Bill Murray except with a “P”. Petey is laughing, and Tom doesn’t think even he should find such jokes funny anymore. Tom plans to stage an intervention in two weeks with Mike, August, Sathington, and Cpt. Jack. Tom realizes that if all of those people attend, he may start drinking. Petey doesn’t know what an intervention is, so he’s in for a surprise. The "Bill Purray" joke proved to be one of the most controversial comedy events of the past week along with the Cross/Belushi incident.

- Officer Tom calls (starts at 2:49) in the home stretch yet again, recusing himself from any Yo La Tango [sic] tickets. He's got a Good/Not So Good: Saturday Night Live. Tom says Good. OT worked a location shoot for SNL four days ago and saw Kenan Thompson, Darrell Hammond, and one of the new guys that he did not know. OT spoke with Kenan, who was a nice guy. OT wants to talk about the other guy who is no longer with the show, but Tom can’t talk about that. He and Kenan chatted about movies, and he vaguely knew about The Best Show.

OT offers to help with the Petey intervention, and Tom thinks he may have to take Petey straight to the rehab center. They both suspect that Petey will need to be subdued with a tranq dart to the leg or forehead. OT likes the tasers, but they are not authorized in NJ. OT hopes they implement them in the next five years so he can use one in the line of duty before he retires. OT likes to view taser videos on YouTube, while Tom prefer the creepy kid gig, "Little Superstar". OT thought Tom was referring to the guido kid (contains filth talk; I think this is a clip of a young Jerry Ferrara)

My favorite YouTube is A:F6 or whatever comes up when I punch my keyboard and hit enter.

- Dave from Knoxville calls (starts at 2:52), but Tom needs to give away some tickets. Dave politely asks Tom to dump him, and says he’ll call again next week. Tom admires his attitude.

- Pat Burn has (starts at 2:53) a trio of Good/Not So Good entries: Long Island, Brooklyn, and the new designs for the World Trade Center location. Tom goes Not So Good on all three, and Pat grees with the assessments. He also says that The Long Walk To New York has been postponed at least until Spring 2007. They couldn't wrangle Sweet Tooth, so they may have to wait until he gets out of prison in 2014. Tom thought he saw Sweet Tooth prowling for 13-year-old girls on Dateline NBC: To Catch A Predator. I heard that Sweet Tooth is sharing a cell with No Smokin' Joe at Rahway State Prison.

Speed Round for the final pair of tickets:

* Joe is a cook at a Hilton in Edison, and the concert would be an awesome way to spend his only day off. His specialty is penne vodka with meatballs. He's in the running.

* A caller is disqualifed because Tom doesn't like his voice.

* A caller is disqualified for not being able to operate a phone.

* A caller is disqualified for a terrible phone.

* Evan wins the tickets by getting Tom's take on Route 1 (Good), Route 9 (Good), and the Pulaski Skyway (Not So Good).

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:: August analyzes Yo La Tengo's JC set list, Tom debuts the risque PATH Train Confessions, and Harry Shearer battle raps Ted Leo.

Show some love for "the jewel of the Quint Cities":

Take us out, Erroll ...

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[via our gf.]

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