In case you didn't grab this one on the BB earlier in the week, here is Prof. John Hall's brilliant lecture on topics ranging from Paul Revere dishware, the origins of khaki, the middle finger, the glory of walking in London, The Art of War (no copyright on the damn thing!), and baddie Ebenezer Scrooge. Hopefully the dude wanders into the UCB Theatre and launches a career on the NY or LA alt.comedy circuit very soon. Check the Wurstery query at 16:56! Great Rocky Balboa impression at 28:30! Thumbs way down to the University of Florida for relieving him of his duties.
When there's a gap in the prime time schedule, the local ABC affiliate trots out Atlanta's own Monica Kaufman and her Barbara Walters-esque profiler Monica Kaufman Closeups. It usually features local-ish celebs: Braves and Falcons and Hawks and Foxworthys. But here's what will suck you in to the first couple of minutes of the show: she uses the Streethawk theme as her theme music. A Streethawk refresher:
Turns out that theme song wasn't just some random deal. It was by those Krautrock wizards of the 70s and 80s, Tangerine Dream.
Tangerine Dream - "Le Parc" (Please observe 15 seconds of silence before the synthsplosion.)
I've had this stupid Kaufman theme nugget in my head since the old blog days, but it wasn't until I finally bit the bullet and dove into Destroyer's excellent 2001 record Streethawk: a Seduction that I decided to post it up.
"I’m ready for a fight, where’s my championship robe?" -- Tom, staking early claim to a "W" by converting the studio into a 107-degree gym
"You can’t get no thrills out of life?" -- Tom wondering why J. in Seattle is doing rails with his FOT membership card
"You had them all in one place, U.S. government. I thought you had festivals like that as a way to ferret out the no-goodniks." -- Tom on a missed opportunity to sterilize Brooklyn street filth at the Atlantic Antic
"Hey, everybody, just call me Dickie Z! Hey, what happened to my stuff? I thought you didn’t get picked on in college." -- Dickie Z, getting a rude awakening on his first day in the cutthroat world of higher education
"If you’re at Rutgers, you already got eaten." -- Tom, informing Sheldon about his masticated matriculation
"A nice neighborhood is an orderly neighborhood." -- Keith Kincaid, Tom's nosy new neighbor, on his philosophy for Natas Acres
"I bag it, and then I bag the bag, and then I bag that bag, and then I bag that bag." -- Keith Kincaid, explaining his quad-bagging process
"I almost kind of threw up in my mouth." -- Keith Kincaid on seeing Tom's living room littered with old newspapers
"Hail the Dark Lord." -- Keith Kincaid, leaving Tom with a mysterious sign-off
"Lemme just say it’s all you need to go skiing." -- Keith Kincaid, giving Tom a hint about what Werner put under his pillow
"It’s a great story; it makes you feel good, just like the music of Necroczar." -- Keith Kincaid on his favorite film, Cocoon
"You’re not going to that meeting, are you?" -- Tom wondering if August will attend the Church of Satan Fun Fair
"I don’t get most of your references, I’m sorry." -- August, after snapping a bit at Tom for comparing his films to the work of Errol Morris
"It is high … it is far … it is … caught by Reed Richards." -- John Sterling, thinking he was about to announce a Yankees home run
"If you don’t mind, I’m going to Escape from this call." -- Tom, defeating "Neil Schon" in a Journey reference-off
"I would show enough of my talent to be amazing at sports." -- Tom on his approach to being a superhero
"I think that’s a great move, and I don’t think it will be embarrassing in the slightest." -- Tom on Elton John’s proposed hip-hop record
"Rrrrrr ... Hulk go down on strikes. Hulk say that was outside." -- The Incredible Hulk, the Dave Kingman of superheroes
"The guy's got a forearm like Popeye and he wears Old Spice." -- Evan from Montclair on casino worker Pete Rose
"The world's going to HELL IN A HANDBASKET!!!!" -- A character in a Paddy Chayefsky film yells about the impending doom
Annotated highlights of a show that came in like a lion and went out like a cougar that ate the lion that came in:
I'm getting sick of dealing with the increasingly maniacal Maurice Kern, so I'm looking for a new sponsor for the Youse Are On Notice series. Mr. Kern has been hounding me with bizarre directives like "put down your crack pipe and round up a few terrorists, son." I've tried explaining that I only do the occasional rail -- just like the President -- but it's no use. He doesn't listen! For the record, I have never enlisted my FOT card to aid drug use. However, I did once snort some West Baltimore marching powder off of Tom's autographed picture. I was helping Werner and Rutager test out a new package they received from a guy named Marlo. Really top-shelf stuff -- Werner's already re-upped three times. Anyway, I'm talking to some Newbridge businesses (e.g., Go Glimb A Rock, The Love Nest, and Muffler Village) so hopefully a sponsorship deal can be worked out soon. Until then, Kern Pharmaceuticals Presents: YAON #8
- Tommy from L.A. finds it weird to be calling (starts at 26:42) when it's still light outside. Tom trips up by asking him if he’s normally from the West Coast. He meant to say East Coast! Tommy tells him not to worry, and Tom’s not sweatin' it because it’s just one word that has three of the same letters. All he had to do was switch a “w” for an “a” and he was back in business. Tommy wants to know Tom’s favorite Motown group, and he says it’s probably DJ Shadow, who he played in his opening set. Tommy’s faves are either The Temptations or The Spinners. Tom recommends heading over to Amoeba to buy some Spinners stuff. Tommy is excited that Tom’s been there because he rates it as the best music store he’s ever visited, even better than the Princeton Record Exchange. Tom’s top pick is Sam Goody, followed by Vintage Vinyl, and then Amoeba. Tom’s one criticism of Vintage Vinyl is their stash of “filthy metal” with monochromatic cover art. Tom thinks some nice blue and green hues could produce appropriately scary imagery, such as a monster’s fangs. Tommy got Freedom of Choice really cheap at Vintage Vinyl, and while it wasn't remastered, it was still wholesomely good.
Tommy left NJ to attend college in La La Land so he could get into film. Tom wants to know what film he’s trying to get into and wonders if they have Moviefone out there. Tommy clarifies that he’s interested in getting an education in film production, not just attending screenings. He was originally focusing on animation, but he’s switching over to the film curriculum. His two favorite directors are Michael Mann and Robert Altman, but he’d rather be a producer since they don’t have to come up with any creative ideas and can still make a lot of money. Tom annoints him a producer who has what it takes to succeed in showbiz. Tommy will call with an update on his cinematic adventures when he returns to New Jersey during the Thanksgiving break. Tom can’t wait, but he also informs him that The Best Show will not be put on ice until he returns. Tommy was hoping that the show would be halted, but he’s willing to roll with Tom’s decision.
- Listener J. in Seattle calls (starts at 31:27) with a Lighthouse Confession that will allow him to exorcise some karma like Earl from the NBC comedy, My Name Is Earl. Tom wasn’t expecting a confessional so early in the programe, so he has to get things in order. Tom tells J. to call back in a minute to get it going, but he says he might not be able to pull that off and offers to call next week. Tom tells him to hold on and is disappointed that he was so willing to skip out: “Where’s the fire, junior?” Tom returns to reveal that they are not in the lighthouse anymore. Instead, it’s time for the debut of Wacky Birthday Confessions. Tom tells J. to proceed, and he reveals a stunning transgression: he used his FOT membership card for immoral purposes.
Tom interrupts him with some birthday announcements: Adam West turned 78, songwriter Paul Williams turned 66, and the late, great Mama Cass would have been 63.
J. continues to say that six months ago he used the sacred card to do drugs. Tom is shocked, and J. feels terrible about failing to uphold the values promoted on the show. He says the instigator was his girlfriend, who wanted to go out and party. Tom asks what drug, and J. thinks Tom could probably figure out what it was. He used the card to chop up and align rails of cocaine powder.
Tom gets back to the birthday list with Jimmy Fallon turning 32, country superstar Trisha Yearwood turning 42, and runway model Leslie “Twiggy” Lawson turning 57.
Tom wants to know why he would do drugs with his card, and J. explains that he did not have a credit card at the time, so it was used out of necessity. Tom orders J. to send the card back. However, he can't because he ruined it in the course of his drug party and disposed of it. He admits that the act warrants getting dishonorably discharged from Scharpling’s Army. Tom’s says he’s already out and has something else to tell him:
Jeremy Irons turns 58 today, talk show hostess Joan Lunden is 56 years young, and Randolph Mantooth is 61.
Tom’s glad he’s out. He doesn’t understand why he’s doing cocaine and can’t get no thrills out of life. J.'s excuse is the old standby of “youthful indiscretion”, but now he’s clean, sober, and kicking butt. Tom doesn’t believe him and thinks he still does drugs. He's right -- J. admits that he smokes a little pot, but says he’s been clean for a month. Tom hopes he felt terrible when he did it, and J. says he still does, which is why he’s throwing himself at the Army’s mercy. He hopes that he can get back in someday if he can prove he’s been a model citizen. Tom does give him points for confessing, but still calls him a "filth bag". J. is given a forceful GOMPYA -- Get Off My Phone You Animal!
Finally, I'd like to offer birthday wishes to W.A.S.P. frontman Blackie Lawless, former NY Giants wideout Phil McConkey, and insult comedienne Lisa Lampanelli, who doesn't look a day older than her actual age of 88! This one's for youse:
- Against his better judgment, Tom lets Skinny Puppy Guy (starts at 38:11) on the air. He just wanted to talk to Tom because he thinks he’s one of the best DJs around. Tom can’t trust him since he was already fighting with him before the opening theme music concluded. Tom didn't reveal the details of the argument, but my guess is that SPG was trying to make a request for something off VIVIsectVI .
- Since Tom came up dry last week on the Yo La Tengo contest, he puts it (starts at 38:44) back on the board for this week. Tom’s glad that the band isn't not doing a New York show because the people of NY don’t deserve YLT. Tom went to the Atlantic Antic street festival over the weekend and was disgusted by the smoothie merchants who used a single blender. Tom was on line for one, but saw the detritus coating the blender and passed. He wasn’t interested in getting a little bit of everybody else’s smoothie in his. I imagine these mutant smoothies serve as energy drinks for tall bike jousts and vandalism sprees. Tom believes the festival was a lost opportunity for a cultural cleansing by the U.S. government. Tom thought that it would have been a great way to ferret out a mass of no-goodniks by dropping some kind of “sterilization bomb” or doing a cropduster flyover. Tom believes attendees should have been lined up and arrested on general principle. He estimates that 85% of the people at the street fair were guilty of a crime.
- Ricky announces (starts at 40:26) that he's doing dandy, and Tom thinks he sounds like a little hand-puppet. Ricky agrees. He's 16, so Tom allows him to still call himself Ricky. When he reaches collecge, Ricky plans to shift to the more mature “Dickie Z”. Tom asks him if he really wants people to call him that. Ricky thought it was a good dorm kind of name. He apologizes for any offense caused by his proposed moniker, but Tom is more worried on his behalf if he actually goes through with it. Ricky takes Tom’s advice very seriously, and Tom implores him to seriously reconsider “Dickie Z.” Tom illuminates his recommendation by doing an impression of Dickie Z's first day of college. In this scenario, the Dicke Z character is suprised that his new classmates pick on him and steal his stuff.
Believe it or not, Dickie Z did not call for some constructive mockery. He mainly wanted to report that a couple of months ago, his wallet -- containing his FOT card -- was stolen at school. He thinks the lure of the card was the reason for the theft. He wants to know what Tom thinks of his theory. Tom appreciates the complement, but the card is not worth that much since anyone can get one for FREE at friendsoftom.com. Ricky points out that not just anyone is going to get one. He wants a new card, but is concerned about double dipping into the enlistment pool. Tom says he will clear it with the board. Tom thinks he’s overly concerned about things, and Ricky says he’s a concerned kind of guy. Tom tells him that you can’t pick your own nickname. For example, Tom’s nickname of “Too Cool” was assigned to him. He had no choice, and it was a burden to live up to it. It was hard for Tom to always have to hear people requesting that he display his too-coolness. Tom wishes he could just be plain “Cool” once in awhile. Ricky realizes that his hope of being known as Dickie Z was just a fantasy gone wrong. Tom leaves him with some words of wisdom: “Life is hard, and a hero ain’t nothing but a sandwich, Dickie Z.” Ricky says Tom has that right, whatever that means. Tom lets HIM go.
- (Really) Short-time, first-time calls (starts at 43:58) during his first-ever listen to the show. He’s bummed that he missed the Atlantic Antic. His friends took him to Six Flags instead, and he ended up vomiting all over the park. Tom thinks it’s comparable experience. He also ate awful nachos. Tom says that he basically went to the Atlantic Antic but with rides. He waited three hours to go on some ride that went upside down, he vomited, and then the car broke down on the way home. It wasn’t fun, but Tom is making his day because he’s so funny. Tom says that he’s sweet, but he already knew it. He’s in the running for the Yo La Tengo tickets, but he hates them so he’s not. He’s actually never heard them, but the name rubs him the wrong way. He wants Tom to play some of their stuff, but Tom informs him that he just played “Pass The Hatchet, I Think I’m Goodkind”, the epic opener from I Am Not Afraid Of You And I Will Beat You As Soon As I Get Home, and doubts he’ll get to any more tonight. Tom GOMPs him and wonders what planet he’s operating on. The Best Show doesn't need him and neither does Yo La Tengo.
Yo La Tengo - "Sugarcube" (Live at Maxwell's - Hanukkah 2005 - Night 3)
- Sheldon from Rutgers calls (starts at 45:51) and wavers like a politician when Tom asks him how things are going because he's having his ups and downs in the college environment. He wants to give a shout-out to Dickie Z to say that college is not what he thinks it is. Tom agrees that Dickie Z is in for a very rude rude awakening. Sheldon thinks that Dickie Z is naïve and unaware of the “eat or be eaten” climate that exists on campus. Tom says that Rutgers (the drought is ova!) is not exactly Wall Street. He breaks the news to Sheldon that if he’s going to school at Rutgers, he’s already been eaten.
Tom says that if he was doing the eating, he’d be matriculating somewhere else. Sheldon is actually residing in the stomach of an animal that ate him, fighting with all the other parasites to eat other things that that animal is eating. Sheldon wants to know if this is a Rutgers euphemism or a generic college one. Sheldon is confused, so Tom backs up so he can get a full handle on it. He explains the logistics of the consumption again, and Sheldon thinks Tom is suggesting that he’s living in the underbelly of America’s armpit, which is New Jersey. Tom demands that he take back the dig at New Jersey. Sheldon was born in Queens, and Tom says that he has no right to talk about New Jersey since that borough’s only claim to fame is the WFAN studios. Sheldon thinks Howie Rose is pretty cool, but never liked Fran Healy. Just as Sheldon appeared to be unleashing an impression of Healy calling a lazy fly ball a “can of corn”, Tom cuts him off because he burned him out.
- Stephen calls (starts at 48:16) from chilly Chicago to say that Tom is on fire, already setting the “W” in place. His bad phone connection is not helping, so he's dismissed before he can do any more damage.
- DT of DT and the Shakes and The Volcano Suns-feuled theme song fame calls (starts at 48:46) in the midst of celebrating his first week of fatherhood. He had a boy last week during The Best Show, so, for him, that show was a “W”. The boy’s given name is William, but Tom suggests nicknames of "Bestie" or "Dickie Z". DT's been meaning to call re the frequent "Porcupine Pie" spins because he has a Neil Diamond story. He was wondering if Tom has seen the 1977 Neil Diamond NBC special. Tom hasn’t seen it. DT says it contains one of the most surreal moments he’s ever seen.
It starts off in typical ND fashion with the singer seated in the daytime. The scene then shifts to night as the crowd filters into the Greek Theater. He gets to “Song Sung Blue” and goes into a ridiculous extended jam, pointing out all the VIPs in the audience, including the mayor of L.A. He finally points out current pop star Helen Reddy, decked out in a chin-to-floor length prom dress. She sings a few bars. Neil then notices Henry Winkler, who’s wearing a giant, cardiganish sweater. Neil pulls him up, and Hank does his best while looking like a geek. That’s not good enough for Neil. He asks him to sing it like The Fonz. At this point, Winkler starts losing his mind, giving the thumbs-up and belting it out like his fictional character. Neil was in all his glory.
DT promises to get Tom a copy, although he's not sure if "Porcupine Pie" made it into Neil's set that night. Unfortunately, it didn't. Tom plays “Porcupine Pie” and agrees with Neil that it’s a little strange that you have to eat the dessert with gloves to prevent your hands from turning green. Tom actually thinks it’s very strange. He also thinks that there are songs almost as bad as "Porcupine Pie" on Hot August Night, such as “Done Too Soon” with its eclectic callouts of Jesus Christ, Fanny Brice, Wolfie Mozart, Humphrey Bogart, Genghis Khan, and H.G. Wells. Tom thinks writing a song like that is easy and belts out a catchy, Canonball Run-inspired ditty:
"Dom Deluise and Jack Elam, Bert Convy, Jamie Farr, and Burt Reynolds, too. Farrah Fawcett, Joe Klecko, Roger Moore, Jackie Chan, and the guy who played Mr. Foyt …and Adrianne Baaaaarbeau."
We can only dream that Tom will find the time to flesh it out on an old guitar. Mike the Associate Producer would be able to supply one for a songwriting session on an upcoming show. The guitar doesn’t have a name, so Tom wants to name it on the air using a common pet’s name instead of the more traditional ladies’ name. Tom wonders why guitarists never name their instrument "Champ" or "Duke". They tend to prefer flashier names like “Disco Inferno”, which, thankfully, came up a bit short to Dogmo in Tom’s canine nameathon.
Henry Owing's wife and Brian Posehn about to see some classic blues!
- A caller thinks (starts at 55:11) Tom is out of his mind and dreaming to suggest that people name their guitars. Tom GOMPs him and counters: "B.B. King anyone?" Tom is, of course, referring to Lucille and declares King the worst musician ever. Tom doesn’t believe he knows how to play chords, opting for only solos like he’s in an indie rock band. Tom thinks the thrill and his talent are gone. Little-known fact: B.B. King once served as a Jade Tree session player, contributing some wicked licks to early The Promise Ring and Cap'n Jazz singles. Tom does like B.B.'s good blues club in NYC. When he wants to hear some blues, he heads over there. Tom wonders if the club even books blues bands since he’s always hearing about Celtic Frost playing gigs there. Mike says that they need to make money. Good point. The kids do love the old-school Swiss thrash.
- Steve calls (starts at 56:59) to say that he just moved back to Jersey and rediscovered the glory that is Tom. He feels like he kind of grew up with The Kid. He’s leaving on Monday for a three-month jaunt to the post-Soviet republic of Belarus. Tom thought he said something else. He found it funny that Tom brought up blues music because during his travels around the Eastern bloc, he’s been hearing about the large African-American ex-pat community in Slovenia. A lot of musicians moved there to fill the huge demand for American blues in the region. Apparently, B.B. King has been there.
Steve wants to get Tom’s blessing to visit Chernobyl, hang out in old missile silos, and explore some abandoned castles. He says it’s a pleasure trip that will leave him in a lot of debt. It will also be harrowing because he’ll be sleeping in barns and whatnot. In other words: a masochistic pleasure trip. Tom thinks sleeping in a barn and traipsing through a radioactive city sound like the perfect activities to cause someone to go into debt. You can’t get that for free! Steve thinks Tom’s values are a little skewed. Tom agrees that he’s weird for wanting to enjoy himself on a vacation. Steve thinks he’ll have the next 50 years to enjoy himself so he can endure the self-flagellation for now. Tom says that if he stops by Chernobyl, he might not have the next 50 years to enjoy himself. Despite not being sold on the itinerary, Tom tells him to be safe and have a good time. Tom directs him to take pictures, but prohibits him from sending them to the Friends Of Tom website. Steve proposes snapping photos of the WFMU logo in front of the Chernobyl sarcophagus. Tom says he can do that. Perhaps he should also bring a Snickers bar a la Purple Shirt’s Russian art project.
Steve mentions that some friends of his were in the rock band Waffle Stomper, who were on Smash or Trash. Steve describes them as a stupid high school thing that was actually brilliant. Tom recalls the band, and Steve reports that the members have all moved on to bigger and better things. The lead singer has an internship at The Hague doing some foreign policy shenanigans. He asks Tom if he wants him to impersonate his scream. Tom says that people have been waiting to hear the ultimate impression of the singer from Waffle Stomper, so finally the whole thing can loop back around to a peaceable conclusion. Steve does the scream, although he admits he can’t capture the true vibratto. Tom thinks it's so dead-on that he must have he cued up a recording and put the phone up to a speaker. Steve actually performed the scream live in the middle of a field in Berkeley Heights, N.J. Tom nails the 07928 zip code and Steve loves Tom’s ability to represent the state hard. He wants to know how Tom knows B-Heights, and Tom says he knows all zip codes. Steve tests him with Iowa City, Iowa, and Tom quickly dishes 41314. Steve says it’s correct, so Tom GOMPs him. He wants him to be safe in his travels, but doesn’t want to be patronized by him.
For those who want to update their Tom zip code spreadsheets, 41314 is Booneville, KY. The correct zip for Iowa City is 52240 through 52246. Take your pick.
- Keith Kincaid calls (starts at 1:10), and Tom suspects he might know him. Keith thinks he does because he lives at 602 Velndonom Way. Keith is Tom’s new neighbor who just moved in on Sunday. Tom welcomes him to the neighborhood, and Keith says his family loves the beautiful area. They had the best time yesterday at the Newbridge Colonial Days, where Keith won “Best Powdered Wig”. Tom congratulates him and is glad he’s already having such a good time.
Tom thinks it’s a great place to live, and Keith has an idea of how it could be even greater. He wonders if Tom could trim the grass at the base of the oak tree on the edge of his property. Tom didn’t even notice the offending growth -- he mows the lawn every week, but does the trimming every other week. Keith emits a slight chuckle and asks why Tom doesn’t do it all at once. Tom didn’t think it was much of an issue. He likes to keep the lawn mowed consistently every week and then attack the shrubs and edging every other week. Keith asks Tom if he thinks the grass is an eyesore. Tom doesn’t think it is. Keith says that they will have to agree to disagree.
Keith also wanted to ask Tom about the garden hose that sits above a shrub on the side of his house. He would like Tom to lower it about 7 inches so it is fully obscured by the shrub. He thinks he saw that Tom has an Ace Hardware bracket holding it up. Tom’s not sure of the brand -- he just wrapped his hose to a thing he mounted on the side of the house. Keith says he’s got an Ace mount, which he thinks is an interesting choice. Tom just bought the mount, attached it, and hasn’t really thought about it since. Keith keeps pressing the issue and wants to know if Tom would be up for lowering it. Tom wants to know why, and Keith says it’s kinda trashy looking since the top part of the hose is visible. The bottom line: Keith doesn’t really like it. He’s also bothered by the actual bracket. He thinks Tom cheaped out by not getting a higher-end Newhold bracket. Tom didn’t give it any thought, and he’s not sure what to say. He’s surprised that it matters to Keith. There’s something else matters even more to him.
He noticed that Tom had a box of Sugar Pops in his trash bin and asks a question: “Is that the kind of thing you really want to represent to the neighborhood?” Tom wonders how he noticed an item that was in a garbage bag that was in his garbage can. Keith went through all the neighbors’ garbage because he wanted to see if everyone properly bagged and tied. He’s pleased to report that everyone did. It drives him crazy when people don’t bag their garbage, which is why he quad-bags his refuse. Tom wants to know what that means, and Keith says it’s just as it seems: he bags it, then he bags the bags, then he bags that bag, and then he bags that bag. Tom wonders if there’s a reason for this seemingly excessive procedure. Keith ponders a scenario in which the garbage man noticed that his garbage was leaking, and he told another garbage man, and soon the news is spread all over town. Tom does not want to offend his garbage man, who seems like a nice guy when he runs into him, but he kinda doesn’t care what he thinks about how he bags his garbage. Keith wonders if Tom cares about having a nice neighborhood because he believes a nice neighborhood is an orderly neighborhood. Tom says that he does care about and take pride in the neighborhood. Keith’s glad to hear that because he wants Natas Acres to be the best community there is -- kind of like a gated community … without the gate. Tom has never heard the name “Natas Acres” before. Keith said he just wants it to be special. Everyone can do their own thing, but it should also be kind of regimented.
When Keith was walking his dog, Devlin, he could see into Tom’s TV room. He wants to know if Tom was really watching the recently-canceled HBO sitcom, Lucky Louie. Tom was watching it. Keith’s a bit baffled and wants to know if Tom thinks it’s funny. Tom kinda likes it and thought it was getting its own voice as the season progressed. Keith loves comedy, and he thinks that if Tom loves comedy he should watch My Name Is Earl to find out what funny really is. Tom thinks that show is OK. Keith thinks it’s great and disputes Tom’s notion that funny is a matter of individual taste. He is certain that Lucky Louie is not funny and My Name Is Earl is funny because he knows the funny. Tom wants to know how he knows the funny.
Keith tells Tom that he’s a book agent. Tom wants to know how being a book agent plays into knowing the funny. He has one word for Tom: Layney. Tom doesn’t know what that is, so Keith tells him it’s Elayne Boosler, one of his clients. Tom doesn’t find her funny, but Keith knows she is, as is Roger Brenner, who he claims is even funnier than his brother, David Brenner. This does not impress Tom. He’s also reps Chuck Wayans, the littlest Wayans brother at age 17. Keith is trying to pitch a hilarious book he wrote called Hey, What About Me?. Keith thinks Chuck is so funny, but he also thinks Tom’s kinda funny. Tom thanks him, but then realizes that he’s not sure if it’s a complement. Keith thinks Tom should write something and would love to see some of his work. Tom is interested in trying to write a book, and Keith says he could try to get it out there if he thinks it's funny. Tom suspects that he might not advance past the initial stages because their senses of humor are not in sync.
Keith wants to know if he can count on Tom to attend the neighborhood meeting on Thursday. Tom was not aware of it and also missed Sunday’s meeting at Keith’s house. Tom finds it odd that Keith moved in on a Sunday and already held a neighborhood meeting that night. Keith put fliers up an hour after he arrived in town. Tom wasn’t around on Sunday so he missed seeing any of his postering efforts. Keith says they just talked about the new ground rules for the neighborhood. Tom is bemused that someone who has been a resident for three days is laying down ground rules for the entire community. Keith just wants to come up with things to make it better -- a little more regimented and uniform. For example, he’d like to see every house have the same color roof. In other words, a color that matches his roof.
Tom thinks he may want to consider living somewhere else, such as an actual gated community. Keith loves the feel of this neighborhood, but he believes it’s crucial to agree on a specific, uniform grass length because he hates it when people have different lawn lengths. It drives him up a wall. Tom suggests that he is going to be disappointed in his choice of neighborhoods because he knows that some people do not mow as frequently as others. Keith says that everybody is agreeing to mow their lawns once a week now. Tom says that’s in line with his current mowing schedule, but Keith reminds him that he’s not doing as well with the trimming.
Keith also inquires about Tom’s car. Tom says that sometimes he parks it on the street and sometimes in the driveway. Keith saw that it was in the driveway today. Tom just pulled into his driveway, and, as one might expect by now, Keith hates that. He wants all the cars to back into the driveway. Tom wants to know why he cares about how his car is parked in the driveway. Keith says that he wants things to be right. Tom points out that they are operating under different definitions of what is “right”. Keith wants to know how often Tom waxes the car because it looks like it’s not that often. Tom goes to the car wash about once a month, occasionally skipping a month. Keith thinks the car should be washed once a week and waxed twice a week. Much like his bagging regimen, he waxes his car four times a week.
When Keith looked in Tom’s window this morning, he noticed that there were newspapers lying on living room floor. Keith prefers that Tom use a magazine rack of some sort. Tom wants to know why he was looking in his living room. Keith found Tom’s newspaper on the yard, not in the driveway where a newspaper should end up if properly thrown by a paper boy. Keith actually reprimanded the paper boy for his errant toss. He brought the paper up to Tom’s front stoop, and as he was about to place it, he peered in and saw the old newspapers strewn about his floor. He almost kind of threw up in his mouth. Tom wants him to stay off his property because the goings on inside his house are none of his business. Keith wants Tom to look into the magazine rack -- he bought his back-up rack at Space Savers, which is two doors down from the old Lady Foot Locker at Newbridge Commons.
Keith doesn’t want Tom to think that he’s coming off like some kind of Nazi who’s trying to make his thing go. Tom tells him that after only three days of residency, he seems to be forcing some kind of order on everyone regardless of what they want to do. Tom thinks that people have a right to do what they want with their house. Keith agrees and says that in order for people to express their individuality, they could hoist a flag of their choice that promoted their interests. Keith thinks this would be great as long as everyone could agree on a specific size, style, and flagholder specs. Tom confirms that Keith is proposing completely uniform-looking housing, but when it comes to letting one’s personality shine through, it will be put on a flag. Keith suggests a windmill as a potential alternative as long as the specs were agreed on. Tom hates the flags and windmills. Keith correctly assumes that this means that Tom will not be attending the meeting. Keith says that if he is walking down one side of Velndonom Way, and Tom is walking down the other, they should not look at each other because they will not be friends. Tom says that he has no problem with Keith as a neighbor, but he doesn’t appreciate his attempts to take power and run the neighborhood. Keith tells Tom to get used it, and he has nothing else to say to him. Tom has nothing else to say other than to again welcome him to the neighborhood and hope that he enjoys his stay. It turns out that Keith did have one more thing to say, just before hanging up: “Hail the Dark Lord.”
Tom has to find out what they meant, so he searches for Keith’s number to call him back.
Behemoth, Sr., the perfect soundtrack to your surburban dance parties and blood sacrifices
Keith answers, and Tom explains that he wants some clarification on his parting shot that appeared to reference the “Dark Lord”. Keith confirms that he did indeed ask Tom to “Hail the Dark Lord.” He wants to know why Tom’s asking. Tom says that he wasn’t expecting to hear such a directive and wants to know in what capacity the Dark Lord should be hailed. Keith says that he is the High Priest of the Newbridge C.O.S. -- the Church of Satan. Tom was caught off-guard, but he assures Keith that he will not persecute him for his religion. Keith says that if Tom truly respects it, he should come by the Kincaid residence on Saturday for a C.O.S. fundraiser. The “Fun Fair” will take place in Keith’s presumably well-kept back yard. Tom wants to know what he has planned, so Keith gives him a rundown of the schedule:
Meet and Greet ---------- 4:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Covered Dish Supper ---------- 5:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. Incantation of the Dark One ----------- 6:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. Silent Auction ---------- 7:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.
Keith says there are some great items up for bidding, such as a gift certificate to Muffler Village and Troy Renfro’s Steelers jersey. Renfro is a member of the C.O.S., along with many other local notables, such as Augie Richards, Craig Cooper, who now runs the Newbridge Commons Radio Hut, and Reggie Monroe, who was kicked off of an early episode of Survivor due to an incident unfit for radio discussion. Keith continues with the event lineup:
Blood Sacrifice ------------ 8:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. Dance Party featuring Behemoth, Jr. ------------ 9:00 p.m. to ????
Tom wants to back up to find out what goes on during the blood sacrifice. Keith asks him what he thinks it is. Tom wants to know if it’s a sacrifice of blood. It is, and Tom asks who’s sacrificing their blood. Keith gets a bit defensive and says it's not a "who" because the C.O.S. are not barbarians. It’s a dog. Tom’s horrified by the animal cruelty, but Keith says it’s an old dog. He says their methods don’t qualify as animal cruelty since it is done very quickly. Tom still thinks it’s terrible. Keith says the animal looks more like a fox, which they found behind Newbridge Commons near a shanty. Tom wants to know who caught the fox. Keith said it was one of their new members: Bryce.
After the Dance Party, which could go until 2 a.m., the Fun Fair will be closed out by the Clean-Up/Creepy Crawl. Tom was not aware that there was a Satanic undercurrent running through a lot of the people in Newbridge that he’s spoken to over the years. Keith says they are all great people. Tom tells him that he interviewed Renfro shortly after his team won the Super Bowl this past February. Keith seems impressed and calls him a “great athlete”. Tom had no idea that frequent caller Bryce joined the C.O.S. Keith says it’s a happening thing, and they’d love to bring Tom into the Satanic fold. Keith wants to get Tom some literature, but Tom wants to first hear more about Behemoth, Jr. Keith assumes that Tom’s heard of Behemoth, one of the biggest black metal bands around. Behemoth, Jr. is a tribute band. Tom wonders about the suffix in the band name, and Keith says that they obviously couldn’t use Behemoth. Tom thought that maybe it was a band comprised of little kids. Keith wishes that were the case and loves the idea of getting some little Satanists to form a band.
Based on this, Keith asks Tom if he’s interested in being his assistant. Tom’s not. Keith said it would be no problem for him to have Werner give him some pamphlets. Tom says that Werner is a name he hears way too much. Keith says that he’s one of the church’s deacons. Tom’s shocked and says that up until the blood sacrifice of a dog, he was fine with their religious practice as long as it didn’t hurt others. However, it appears that they will be hurting a dog. Keith says it’s not really a dog. Tom says it’s a living thing, so it doesn’t make it any better. Keith is certain that if Tom reads the literature that Werner put on his pillow, he'll get a better grasp of what the C.O.S. is doing.
Tom's not aware of any literature, but Keith informs him that Werner put it on his pillow around 3 p.m., so it will be waiting for Tom at home. Keith says that Werner got the keys to his house from Bryce. (The very intriguing question of how Bryce got Tom’s keys is left unasked, but hopefully it comes up in a future Bryce chat.) He also left something else under his pillow. Keith gives Tom a hint: it's all he needs to go "skiing". Tom gets it and says that he doesn't want cocaine in his home. Keith wonders why. Tom says he doesn't use it and it's illegal. Keith responds by asking for a definition of "illegal", and Tom defines it as being against the law. Keith knows something else that is technically against the law: murder. Tom says it's more than "technically" against the law, and Keith offers a creepy response: “Hopefully, we’ll never have to find out, right?"
Keith is becoming quite frustrated with Tom's resistance to his movement and asks him if he wants to take the place of the fox-dog. Keith says that it could be arranged for Tom to be the vessel for the blood sacrifice. Tom says that it won’t happen because he will shut them down. Keith asks Tom how tall he is. Tom’s 5’ 3”. At this point, Tom mentions that he might call Officer Harrups. Keith’s only 4’ 6”, so he’s sort of taking a step back due to Tom’s height advantage. Tom mentions that Werner is also a short man, but Keith says he’s still pretty imposing with the blond hair and black mustache, a kind of miniature Rutger Hauer. Keith asks Tom about his reference to Officer Harrups, and Tom says that if Keith is going to threaten him, he will call Harrups to shut down the Fun Fair. Keith vows to shut down Tom’s whole household by flooding it. Tom says he will definitely let Harrups know about this plan. Keith says that Tom will be sacrificed if he tells Harrups. In fact, Keith decides that as far as he's concerned, the sacrifice of Tom is a go.
Tom wonders if the fox-dog is off the hook, but Keith says it will probably be a double with some real heavy vibes. Tom assumes this will take place at the Fun Fair, but Keith says it will take place at the new headquarters -- Tom’s house. Keith uses the abbreviation COSHQ, which Tom is able to decipher. Keith gives mocking praise for Tom’s feat, wondering if they will be able to tangle with a man with so much brain power. Tom says he’s not as smart as a Roger Brenner or Elayne Boosler. Keith tells him not to f with his clients.
Tom says that for a Satanist, he has pretty generic tastes aside from his love of black metal. Keith confirms this by saying that What’s Happening? is still his favorite television show. His favorite movie is Cocoon since he prefers mainstream Hollywood fare. However, his top four bands are Necroczar, Impaled, Xerxes, and Coffin Stain. Tom thinks it’s a little weird that his tastes are so conventional aside from music. Keith wants to know what’s wrong with Cocoon since it’s a great story that makes you feel good, just like the music of Necroczar. Tom didn’t think of Necroczar as feel-good music. Keith says there’s a Coffin Stain song that he will likely use as the soundtrack to Tom’s sacrifice. Keith ably performs a snippet of the song -- complete with drum rolls -- ending with the lyric “You will die.”
Tom’s life has been threatened, so it’s officially an installment of The Best Show.
- August calls (starts at 1:53) to express confusion about Keith Kincaid's call. He wasn’t sure if the animal to be sacrificed was a fox or a dog. Tom wasn’t sure what he was talking about either. Tom asks August if he's going to attend the C.O.S. meeting. For starters, August doesn’t know what town it’s in. Tom said he’s not attending, but he could give him directions since it’s going down right next door to him. August says that Satanism is not really his thing -- he's more for atheism. Tom wants to know how old he is. August first says 12, but he forgot that his birthday was yesterday, so he’s now 13. Tom thinks it’s pretty radical thinking for someone of that age.
Tom wonders how he could have already forgotten that cake and ice cream. August was actually asleep for that part of the festivities. What? Tom can’t believe he was asleep for the cake on his own birthday. August explains that over the weekend he had a get-together with his friends that kept him up until 2 a.m. The exhaustion carried over into Monday. August & Co. were running around outside playing the Tag variants, Cops and Robbers and Ghost in the Graveyard. August assumed the role of a robber, but did not get far enough into it to actually complete a heist. It was more of a general good guys and bad guys tussle. The coppers try to get the robbers into jail and the robbers can get tagged out of jail by other robbers. August prefers running and being chased to doing the chasing, so he opts for criminal status. After that, it was time for cupcakes, but, sadly, no vanilly ice cream. Tom is appalled and wonders what is going on over in that house. He can't believe that nobody could spring for a $4 tub of ice cream on a kid's birthday. He asks August if his friends were all lactose intolerant.
August says that the friends that came to the gathering can all eat a good amount of sugar, and his parents didn’t want them running around at 1 a.m. on a sugar high. Tom says that’s what he calls “too bad”. It’s called life -- you got a kid and it’s his birthday so he goes a bit nuts from a sugar overload. Tom wants to know if he had a choice of cupcake or ice cream. August had no say in the matter. Tom shames his parents. If they gaze into a mirror, they should only see shame staring back at them. August says he thinks they are listening to the show right now, so Tom takes it back. August's gift haul included a video camera so he can continue to make movies with his friends about real life situations for teenagers, such as mood swings. Tom asks August if he’s the documentarian Errol Morris, and August snaps a bit at the suggestion.
August quickly apologizes and says that he simply doesn’t get most of Tom’s references. August is not like Errol Morris because he traffics in fiction as he and his friends devise little characters to navigate the tumultuous emotional landscape of adolescent life. They let these characters evolve as their imaginations run wild. Tom calls August John Cassevettes, Jr. August lets this reference pass without comment. August says the young cinematic collective has had some scary results. They ended up with one film focusing on suicide, and "it wasn’t pretty." Tom points out that he’s only two days into being 13, and he’s already making movies about suicide. August corrects him: “Oh, no, that was last year.” August claims it was a school project. August should put some clips up on his favorite music website, YouTube.
Sports superstar Mister Fantastic about to show off his shot-blocking prowess
Tom asks August about superheroes, and he’s not much of a fan because he feels like the bad guys should win once in awhile. Tom has a question for August, and he wants him to use the most creative part of his brain to answer it: Which superhero do you think would be the best in professional sports? August wants to know the sport and Tom says any of the Big 4, but then takes hockey is off the table for being stupid. Tom’s had enough of it. August wonders if they even play for the Stanley Cup anymore. Tom thinks they abandoned it in favor of spinning a wheel -- the team it lands on gets the Cup. Tom says that hockey has achieved wrestling-like status where it has to be referred to as "entertainment". August makes his selections:
* Superman for football. He thinks the Man of Steel would make a good linebacker.
* The Hulk for baseball. He thinks he could hit a home run almost every time. Tom adds "… if he can hit." Might not be able to put the bat on the ball.
* Mr. Fantastic of The Fantastic Four for basketball. August hits it. Tom says that Mr. F would be the best at every sport.
In football, you could send him out as a wide receiver and he'd catch anything thrown upwards in any direction. August sees a flaw in Tom’s plan -- what if the other team tackles him in mid-stretch? If his head is somewhere else, he may not be privy to what’s going on by his legs. Tom’s not concerned because his rubbery limbs will repel would-be tacklers. His feet will always stay planted. In baseball, nothing would get by him in center field. There would be no such thing as a home run if he’s prowling the outfield. Tom performs two speculative John Sterling calls of Mister Fantastic playing for the Tigers against the Yankees: “It is high … it is far … it is … caught by Reed Richards" and "An A-bomb from A-R-- … no, it’s caught by Reed Richards again."
Now you get him on the basepaths, and he swipes bases by stretching. You can’t pick him off because he’s got the left foot on first base while the right foot has stretched to second. He can steal anytime he wants. In basketball, he'd block every shot. August correctly points out that after the block he could just stay where he is and dunk the ball on the other end. Let's hope Mr. Fantastic is careful to not goaltend. Tom officially declares a new topic: Superheroes in Sports. August got the ball rolling and is the frontrunner for the tickets to see Yo La Tengo. August says that he and his friends are looking forward to going. They figured that if they couldn’t win the free tickets via The Best Show, they could find them somewhere else. Tom loves it. Tom thinks that this could be the moment he finally finds a band that he likes, making the transition from “The Hampster Dance” to the legendary Hoboken trio. August starts to correct Tom, but declares “it’s no use.” Tom tells him that he’s just teasing him and knows that his brother is the one who likes “The Hampster Dance”.
August says that his brother is supposed to be sleeping. Tom asks him if he ever waits until he’s asleep and then ambushes him with a pillow. August prefers to take some face paint and draw funny faces on him. Tom reminds him that his parents are listening, so a spanking may be in order. August says that they already know. He never face paints his parents because he would have to stay up too late to wait until they fell asleep. Plus, they would know not only because their faces would be painted, but August would also be really tired for school the next day due to the late-night art work. Tom says they would certainly need to use their detective skills to gauge August’s level of tiredness because they would be unable to pin it on him by just knowing of his past face-painting behavior. If it was during the summer, they would know because he’d likely sleep past his usual wake-up time of 8:00 a.m.
- A caller (starts at 2:08) wants to know how Tom’s doing. Tom was doing pretty good. He wants to play Tom a tune. He’s no longer in a band, but he’s pretty sure Tom will recognize it after five seconds. As promised, the caller emits five seconds of random harmonica sounds. Tom can’t place it, and the caller says he just made it up. Tom GOMPYJs him -- Get Off My Phone You Junkie. Tom’s had enough of the filthy Brooklyn trash and says there was a sign at the Atlantic Antic that simply advertised “DRUGS”.
"Neil Schon" warms up for a hilarious radio bit by showing Steve Perry how it's done
- Neil calls (starts at 2:09) with a sweet and simple confession, although he's not sure how familiar Tom is with popular music. Tom tells he’s not very knowledgeable, but does like everything from Abba to Zappa. Neil’s old band is right in between. Neil got tired of hearing their lead singer sing while they were on tour back in the 1970s. Tom wants to know if he can say the name of the band. He says that they were pretty popular, so Tom guess that he was a member of The Good Rats or The Asbury Jukes. He says that he was in a band called Journey. Tom makes the sound of a bomb slowing dropping. Neil says that Steve Perry had an annoying voice, and Tom realizes that he’s playing the character of Neil Schon in this little bit. Tom wants to know how long it took him to work on it. He asks that Tom doesn’t stop believin’ in him, and Tom says he didn’t start. Tom wants some insight into his creative process and wants him to confess that he is not really Neil Schon. He asks Tom if he will accept him with open arms if he does. Tom puts an end to it: “If you don’t mind, I’m going to Escape from this call.” Tom gets in the final Journey reference and the simultaneous hang-up. A victory on all fronts.
- Jeff in Middletown thinks (starts at 2:14) that The Flash would probably be quite good at football. Tom is not sure he has the hands to handle passes. He’s moving so fast that he’d likely bobble the ball. Jeff also realizes that he’d require a QB who could launch it that far. As a wideout, it all hinges on the quarterback. If he’s running it, then he Tom thinks he would achieve Barry Sanders-like glory. Jeff agrees that Mister Fantastic is completely unbeatable. He was thinking that the acrobatic Spider-Man would do well in basketball because he could climb up on the hoop to receive passes. Tom points out that it’s illegal to hang on the basket so Spidey would get bombarded with technical fouls. He also questions his jump shot. Tom thinks Spider-Man might compare to a player like Steve Kerr, at best. Jeff’s not too up on the sport so he’s not familiar with Kerr’s work. Tom tells him that he’s one of the greatest basketball players of all-time. Jeff’s confused because that would mean that Spidey would be good. Tom admits that he was being a weisenheimer with the Kerr quip.
- Ryan has (starts at 2:16) has The Thing playing lineman. Tom agrees that he’d be great at football, but wonders if he could excel on a bad team. Ryan says he’s got The Flash on his team as well. If Tom had super powers, he would not reveal the full scope of his powers to the world. He would show just enough of his talent to be amazing at sports. Ryan says it’s like The Incredibles, although that was in track and field, which doesn’t count because you don’t make the real money there. Tom would be using one-half of one percent of his power, but everyone would still be amazed at his dunking skills. Little did they know that Tom could have jumped clear out of the arena if he so desired. Tom would not cloak himself in a secret identity -- it would be Tom Scharpling, Superhero. While he'd let everyone know he was a superhero, he’d walk around in his normal clothes. Ryan says he has to have some kind of outfit so he looks cool and snappy. Tom says he already looks cool. Tom GOMPs him for implying anything other than that. Tom decides that he would wear a nice crisp suit like Paul F. Tompkins. This sounds like a great premise for an Adult Swim show.
- Superhero of rock Ted Leo calls (starts at 2:19) with a superhero, but he's a bit ticked off about the suggestion that track is not a legitimate sport. Tom clarifies to say it’s not one of the big, moneymaking sports. Ted didn’t realize that big and moneymaking was a qualifier. Tom asks him what country he’s in and points out that every day is not the Olympics. Ted says that there were some guys on his track team that were a lot tougher than he is. He's sure they are a lot angrier than he is about the slight. Ted thinks the teleportin’ Nightcrawler would be effective in any sport. In track, he just poofs to the finish line; in football, he poofs right to the pass and then poofs into the endzone. Tom imagines Nightcrawler teaming up with Jason Kidd to complete indefensible alley oops. Kidd would just have to heave the ball up and Nighcrawler poofs over the basket for the slam. In baseball, he’d be a good fielder, but would lack offensive power. Tom predicts that he would be prone to hitting little dribblers. Ted admits that he wouldn’t be the best all-around baseball player, but there are definitely some positions that he could kill in. Tom says he’d be a superhero utility player.
Tom wonders if Ted Leo's wisdom knows any bounds and wants a glimpse into his world. Ted recently played at the Touch & Go 25th anniversary superfest. Ted's two big highlights were XEx ModelsThe Ex, the famous anarcho punk collective from The Netherlands, and Calexico, who delivered an amazingly moving set to close out the festival. Ted asks for permission to get that emo. Tom says he can, and he did. Ted found it to be an affirming, posi-experience. Tom wants to know who stood out in terms of the oldies putting it back together. Ted cites the Negative Approach reunion. Ted notes the perils of an early 1980s hardcore band reuniting in 2006 with a weird and bloated vibe, but they really went for it. After the show, Ted went up to praise frontman John Brannon, who offered him a sticker, which they were handing out sans any irony.
Ted’s not sure when the new Ted Leo & the Pharmacists album -- their Touch & Go debut --will be coming out. Ted’s currently going out of his mind trying to find some new take on old stories to write about. Regardless of his writer's block, the band are going into the studio this Sunday. They will record a song about driving to the studio called “Parking Space”. Ted may try to spin things so he can include a few instrumentals tracks on the album under the guise of newfound guitar exploration. Tom suggests a jazz title like “Expressions”. Tom says Ted’s deep and is confident that he’ll come up with something. Tom does give him one idea of something to write about: Bush. Ted doesn’t even know what to say about our President at this point since he's become really depressed and cynical. Tom says the song should be about just standing behind Bush and letting him do his job. Gas prices are coming down to levels that are almost double what we used to pay instead of triple. Ted’s got work. Things are going well.
Someone in the chat suggests that Ted use his rap skills on the new album. Ted may collaborate with Elton John, who recently said that he wants to marry his melodies with hip-hop beats. Tom thinks it's a great move that will not be embarrassing in the slightest. Tom believes that Sir Elton-A-Lot will pull it off with a sense of grace and not come off like an old British guy who is out of touch after being in the music industry for 40 years. Tom doubts that anyone will be able to determine which one is Elton and which one is Pharrell Williams when trading off verses. Ted agrees and wants to know if Bernie Taupin will be writing these raps. If I were Elton, I’d be giving Steinberg a call. Tom thinks that he has to write them himself to make them more personal and authentic.
Ted thinks that if you’ve got the tongue skills and someone has the brain skills, then it’s fine to put two great tastes together. Tom suggests that Ted get a rapper to write lyrics or submit to a contest on the show in which listeners write words for his new album. Ted is more than happy to check out any lyrics that are sent to him. Lyricists can get a chance at super stardom by sending their work to Tom, who will forward them to Ted in the hopes of finding his very own Taupin or Jim Steinman. Ted may become the new Brown Dirt Cowboy.
Ted says that winners could have their work heard by upwards of 50 people the next time he plays New York. Tom corrects him by noting that cops were pushing people into the water at his last show at the South Street Seaport because it was so crowded. Fans were floating on rafts in order to see him. If Ted was not a pro musician, he’d be in the lead for the Yo La Tengo tickets. Tom says that Ted will probably buy the Loews theater before the show and watch it from a luxurious skybox. Speaking of cowboys and finding one’s writerly muse, it appears that Elton John took some inspiration from Tom on his new release. Is that Tom atop the horse?
- Le Mot (?) calls (starts at 2:29) to suggest "The Shredder" as the greatest superhero athlete. Tom wants to know who that is. He asks Tom to hold on, so he’s GOMPed. Tom thinks he was collaborating with “Neil Schon” as part of a basement apartment improv troupe that planned to take over the show with eight calls.
- Mike the Associate Producer contradicts (starts at 2:30) August by saying that The Hulk would not be good at baseball. Tom says The Hulk would be a ‘roided out, all-or-nothing guy who would never catch up to a pitcher who could bring the heat. In other words: Dave Kingman. Tom does an impression of The Hulk going down on strikes and arguing that a pitch was outside.
- "Jan" calls (starts at 2:31) from Queens and denies using a fake voice. Tom was going to give “her” the benefit of the doubt, but quickly reconsiders with a GLGA -- Get Lost and Go Away for insulting the audience. Maybe this was Fred's wife.
- Joe from Waffle Stomper and New Providence calls (starts at 2:33) and stumps Tom, who starts strong with 079, but can't get the 74. Joe thinks that Professor X would be a star wheelchair basketball player. He'd use his mind powers to have the ball floating around over the other players’ heads. Tom says his sport of choice would be murderball. Tom didn’t see the documentary on the sport because it looked really stupid. Tom did see Mark Zupan on a talk show, and while he felt sorry for his condition, he just seemed like a blowhard jerk. This prompts Joe to ask who needs the handicapped, and Tom GOMPs him for his offensive words.
- Jackson calls (starts at 2:34) to select Michael Jordan from Space Jam as the greatest basketball player ever. He would also be the greatest in hockey, baseball, and football because he has the support of the Looney Tunes players. Tom points out that he also has help from a late-career Charles Barkley, Bill Murray, the whole-lotta-terrible Shawn Bradley, and Larry Johnson. Jackson thinks Bradley was a really funny guy when he got tall and thin. Tom says that the Philly sports fans were not laughing when they drafted him instead of Penny Hardaway. Jackson says Hardaway is not any good anymore, but Tom says that if a team got one good game out of Hardaway, that is more than Bradley pulled off.
Jackson boldly argues that John Starks was the worst, claiming that he caused the Knicks to lose the 1994 NBA Finals due to his ball hogging. Tom wants him to take it back because John Starks was the best. Jackson takes it back, but maintains that he was not good, preferring point guard Derek Harper. Tom becomes angry because if not for Starks, the Knicks would not have reached the Finals. Tom GOMPs him for committing the cardinal sin of insulting Starks on the program.
- Jeff from Jersey calls (starts at 2:37) because he's bored and not doing much. His best superhero athlete is be Dr. Octopus as a catcher. Jeff thinks his eight limbs would allow him to grab the ball with ease from any position, but Tom points out that he also has bad vision. Jeff mentions his pumpkin haircut that Tom compares to Pete Rose. Jeff thinks the worst in any sport would be The Sandman, while Tom goes with Aquaman. Jeff’s brother was a big comic collector and his favorite was always the Silver Surfer. Tom wants to know what Jeff collects other than frayed phone cords and bad phone reception machines. In addition to those, he collects guitars. Tom appreciates the call even though he gravitated towards supervillains. Jeff thinks Tom’s new neighborhood villain Keith Kincaid is a creep.
- Josh calls (starts at 2:39) with the odd suggestion of Robert Townshend's Meteor Man. Tom's not sure how good he'd be, and Josh says he derives his power from the ghetto. At this point, his “stupid girlfriend” (sounded a lot like “Jan” from earlier) yells something out. He assures Tom that he loves her and its all part of their standard joking around. He calls her stupid, she calls him smart; he calls her woman, and she calls him man. The trilogy is complete when he calls her ugly, and she calls him handsome. Tom opts for a Get Lost because he not only wants him off his phone, but also doesn't want him to be able to find his way back on the air.
Art is getting its ass copied: A scene reminiscent of Paddy Chayefsky's Network
- Evan from Montclair calls (starts at 2:41) to see if Tom caught the premiere of the new Aaron Sorkin show, Studio 60 From The Sunset Strip. Tom saw it and discovered that everyone is very high-strung, makes speeches, and yells all the time. Evan has worked in the television industry before and he's never encountered anyone like the characters on the show. Tom mentions Judd Hirsch's Network-esque opening speech and the show's subseqent mention of the source material. Tom thinks this is an example of the Kevin Smith Syndrome, where you rip something off and then cite the reference. Smith did this in Clerks II with his Bachelor Party beastialities. Evan wants to know the critical response, and Tom tells him that they seem to like it.
Evan wonders if this is the show whose pilot script was floating around the Internet being hailed as a work of genius. Tom say it's the one, and he read it because was up for the role of director Cal Shanley, which eventually went to Timothy Busfield. Andy Milonakis joined Tom and Busfield on the short list. Evan saw something about that in the trades but thought it was just a rumor. Tom says that the audition process was weird because they were all in the room at the same time doing the part against each other. Evan brings up another new show -- Fox's Talk Show with Spike Feresten. Tom watched a fair amount of it and thought Ferestein had a good sense of humor, but still needs to figure things out a bit.
Evan changes the subject from television to his encounter with Pete Rose yesterday. He says the banned baseball star has a forearm like Popeye and wears Old Spice. Tom thinks his cologne choice is charming. Evan says that he still has the same haircut and is trying to convince everybody that he should be forgiven. He's working in the Caesars Las Vegas casino. Tom says this is a sign that Rose is a cool guy because casinos only hire the best of the best. Evan says that Mickey Mantle worked at a casino, and Tom refers him to his point that they only hire the best of the best -- Mantle, Rose, Danny Bonaduce. And Bud Bundy!
Tom goes back to Paddy Chayefsky and his reputation as a great screenwriter. Tom saw The Hospital and thought it was one of the dumbest movies he's ever seen. The titular medical center was stricken with all of the potential problems of all the hospitals on Earth, such as a murderer on the loose and scary radicals ("This hospital needs to help the people, man.") trying to take control. Then George C. Scott started yelling.
Forget the tolls, Jim. It's Chinatown: NJ 101.5 radio personality Jim Gearhart torturing the eyes and ears of his audience
- Jack in Bloomfield calls (starts at 2:45) and takes himself out of the running for the Yo La Tengo tickets since he doesn't listen to them and wouldn't feel right taking them away from a fan of the band. Oddly enough, his honesty puts him in the lead for the tickets, so he may win them against his will. He wants Tom's take on televised radio broadcasts and wonders if he'd ever do one. If Tom did one, he'd want it to be like Jim Gearhart's NJ 101.5 morning show. Listening to it was horrific, but seeing it was like eye torture for Tom. He says that if there is a remake of A Clockwork Orange, they would pin Alex's eyes open and show him that. Tom says that every third topic on the show is about getting rid of the tolls on the turnpike. It sounds like Gearhart would make a great Chayefsky character. Tom tells Gearhart to get used to the tolls because they aren't going anywhere. He finds it hard to believe that the 35 cents is breaking Gearhart's back.
Tom says that the show would go to traffic cut-ins with Jill Myra and some the other guy who never wanted to be seen on the air. He would avoid eye contact with the camera and do it all in one breath. By the end of the report, his face would be purple as a sheet of sweat cascaded down his brow. Jack asks Tom about the Mike and the Mad Dog broadcast. Tom's take on it is that Mike Francesa's Diet Coke is apparently not working. Tom recommends Extra Diet Coke since he's tipping the scales in the high 4s. Tom thinks that his chronic knee problems are traceable to the 440-pound frame they are asked to support. Jack notes Francesa's on-air lethargy, and Tom does an impression of him saying the same thing five times in a row: "Yeah, dawg. There's no way, uh, you're gonna put Jeter up. There's no way you're gonna, you know. You put Jeter up, that's not gonna happen. You put Jeter up that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen if you put Jeter in."
Tom let's Jack go with the ultra-rare "Bye, sweetheart."
- Jesse calls (starts at 2:51) to ask Tom a favor. He wants to know if instead of people going to the Yo La Tengo show, they could attend the Noah Britton and Paul Baribeau show in Boston on Friday. He offers Tom a music sample, but Tom doesn't have time for it. Considering the fact that the two shows are on different days, I'm not sure why Jesse phrasd it as an either/or proposition.
- Officer Tom calls (starts at 2:51) but there's no time because Non-Officer Tom is waiting for a call from a rock star named Mr. X. Tom calls the rock star to pick a winner in the Yo La Tengo contest, but the rock star wasn't there.
- The show ends with a speed round in which listeners had 10 seconds to charm Tom's pants off to win the tickets. The calls were not screened, which perhaps explains why No Smoke calls claiming to be Sgt. Nick Fury. Tom saw a clip of him on Dateline NBC: To Catch A Predator. He was entering a house in Florida hoping to find a 14-year-old girl.
* Jason wants to see The Best Show taken over and scripted by Paddy Chayefsky. He's in the lead.
* Cynthia calls and her gender may be enough to get her in the lead. She loves Yo La Tengo, so Tom orders her to be charming. Tom's not hearing the charm, but then she says "Hi!" and Tom gets a little bit, but not enough to overtake Jason.
* Another girl calls and she has a superhero sports figure, a combination that could prove victorious. But it all comes crashing down when she says the soft-serve Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be a good golfer. Tom points out that he's child's play, not a superhero.
* A callers says he loves Yo La Tengo and thinks Tom's a good guy. He says his name is Jack Knife, and Tom doesn't like it.
* A polite Corey gets off to a good start. He says he's the real deal, and Tom asks him if he's doing Glengarry Glen Ross. His confidence wanes and Tom GOMPs him for not bringing it.
* Cynthia's back because she thought she was disconnected. Tom says she was, and it happens again.
* A caller has a plan that will make him and Tom rich beyond their wildest dreams. In 1992, 29,000 rubber ducks fell off of a freight boat heading for Japan in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Those ducks traveled north over the polar ice caps into the Atlantic Ocean. Tom gets rid of him for providing an SAT question.
The last call is some kind of high-pitched screaming. Perhaps it was that guy doing another Waffle Stomper impression. That's it. Jason gets the "W" and so does the show.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:: The Hulk calls to defend his baseball talents ("Rrrrr! Hulk batted .344 in 1968 recreational league!"), August greenlights his remake of Cassevettes' A Woman Under The Influence for the teen crowd, and the wheel in the sky keeps on turnin' while the Good Guys keep on winnin'.
In honor of the release of his hott new album, One More Day, let's look back at one of Kenny "The Jet" Smith's funkiest jams:
Well, not really. Apparently this Bashton (who? ah, the LITESkiNNEd NEgro) track was produced back in 2003 right as Grand Royal was folding. Proper limited EP release on Mischief Records this fall:
Tom Is Not Afraid of Air America And He Will Beat Its Ass.
"Soylent Green is made out of 78s!" -- Tom, finally revealing the secret ingredient in this food product, now available in sour apple flavor from Kern
"I’m gonna listen to this cool new format aimed at me -- the reel-to-reel tape." -- A young kid rejecting his parents' unhip turntable
"What I would do right now for a vanilly cone …" -- Tom, craving a snack whose only crime is being too good
"Why bother with the apple? Why not just put that stuff in a bag? Why are we even pretending to have something healthy in the middle of that." -- Tom on ... the candy apple gone mad
"Why does this Oreo taste like shrimp?" -- A boardwalker enjoying a fried treat
"It just brought a smile to my face. Not really into hockey." -- Bill from 19428, inexplicably amused by a "NHL94" vanity plate
"You hurt my feelings, man." -- Bryce, upset about temporary losing his title as the show’s most stoned caller
"Never underestimate the other guy’s greed!" - Frank Lopez (Robert Loggia), offering some sage advice in Scarface
"Well, you know what? I heard you were an a**hole." -- Bill Murray firing back at a caller for speaking ill of La Bamba
"Maybe next week, that’s where the universe will find me. If the universe doesn’t find me passed out under an overpass." -- Skag Winesack on ... whether he'll be on the right side of the law
"They’re going down the turlet over there." -- Tom on ... Air America
"Yeah, it’s my fault that the Scotch tape is starting to come off the antenny they got set up over there." -- Tom, taking no responsibility for the rickety equipment that derailed the simulcast
"What do they think, you’re not good enough for them? I don’t think they’re good enough for you.” -- August on ... Tom's superiority over the bush-league The Majority Report
"He's a Republican?" -- Sarah Silverman, asking Sam Seder about Tom's political leanings
"You’re like Dean Martin. You just make it look so easy." -- Tom on ... Sam Seder's effortless radio talent
"This attempt to smear McGovern -- it ain’t gonna work." -- Sam Seder’s last, very topical words to Tom
"I’ll say it once more, that was my friends, but whatever." -- August, becoming frustrated by Tom’s continued attempts to link him to "The Hampster Dance"
"For your vacation dollar, nothing goes farther than Camden, N.J." -- Tom, promoting tourism in the state's most maligned city.
"To the point where your brother can’t even focus on the fact that Bill Murray’s wearing a MASK!" -- Tom on ... the perils of being too consumed with settling a score
"Take me away. Right now. Seriously, God, kill me. Kill me right now, God. I’m begging you. I’m still here! Why hast thou forsaken me?" -- Tom, in the throes of an "L"
( Click here to buy And I Feel Fine... The Best of The I.R.S. Years 1982-1987)
Move out of the phone booth you were all cramming into, stop eating Goldfish, get off that flagpole, and join me in the 21st Century for some annotated highlights:
- Tom thanks (starts at 26:00) the 15 people -- not too shabby for a last-minute, late Tuesday shindig -- who came out for the meet-and-greet last week at the Flamingo Diner. Everyone sat around eating cake and pie, while Tom opted for some Freedom Fries and ice water. There are rumors circulating on some bloggy-blog-blogs that one member of the party executed an “Eat and Retreat”. I don't believe it.
- Mike, a Democrat from Hoboken, calls (starts at 27:23) to thank Tom for trying to help keep the fledging Air America on the air by simulcasting his highly-rated broadcast with their lowly-rated The Majority Report, which will undoubtedbly get swept up in The Best Show's sizable coattails.
Tom is doing what he can to support “the other side”. While Tom does not agree with the beliefs of the station's liberal/Pinko DJs, he does believe in their right to believe in those beliefs. Mike says Tom is a true American and calls for God to bless him. Mike tells Tom to have a good show; Tom says he will have the BEST show. They both chuckle over the funny quip. At this point, Mike was in the early lead for the free pair of tickets to see Yo La Tengo at their only NYC-area show -- September 29th at the Loews Landmark in JC. Tom previously announced that the MVP of the evening would get the prize. Someone who signed onto the FOT Chat as “RogerKaputnik” was also a viable challenger.
- Tom examines (starts at 28:43) the notion that the iPod .mp3 digital music machine is losing its cool. While its hipster glow may be dimming, Apple just rolled out a hott new iPod that allows you to watch television and listen to AM talk radio. It is not enabled for song playback and retails for $900. Tom read some excerpts from an article that appeared in Engaland's The Observer:
From its launch five years ago its sales graph showed a consistent upward curve, culminating in a period around last Christmas that saw a record 14 million sold. But sales fell to 8.5 million in the following quarter, and down to 8.1 million in the most recent three-month period. Wall Street is reportedly starting to worry that the bubble will burst.
Tom responds by correctly noting that there is a standard holiday boost for just about every retail product. One would think "technology correspondent" David Smith would have at least a rudimentary understanding of holiday shopping cycles. Go back to economics school, son.
Industry-watchers warn that the iPod could soon be regarded by teenage cynics as their 'parents' player' because a mass-market product rarely equates with edgy fashionability.
Tom responds with a question for young consumers: “How dumb to you have to be to reject a format of listening to something just ‘cause your parents have one?” Tom imagines kids becoming frustrated by wanting to listen to music on the 12” vinyl format favored by their parents, eventually seeking out a reel-to-reel tape, a cooler format aimed at their demographic. At this point, Tom declares the piece a non-article.
'The iPod is far and away the most popular tech gadget with our panellists - however, for the first time we are hearing negative feedback about the iPod from some panellists,' said the organisation's spokeswoman, Carla Avruch. 'Panellists cite that the batteries are not replaceable, so when they die the entire player must be replaced,' she said. 'We have heard from some conspiracy theorists that the batteries are made to die soon after the warranty ends.'
Tom agrees that it’s completely horrible that iPods are “built to die”.
Other complaints are that iTunes [Apple's online music store] is overpriced and the format is not easily transferred on to other players.
Tom: valid complaint.
In our ethnography interviews, some long-time iPod-users told us that they have stopped updating their iPods because it's too much work, while other consumers who had bought iPods more recently had not even taken theirs out of the package to set it up.
On the first point, Tom argues that users stopped updating their iPods because they loaded 90,000 songs into it, and it takes too long to sift through their entire record collection. As for unopened iPods, Tom believes the fault lies with the idiot who bought one and had no interest in opening it up. He compares this complaint against the iPod to the dubious attempt to blame the ice cream company when you buy ice cream and leave it to melt on the table: “We didn’t even open up the ice cream and it melted. There’s a problem with ice cream!” Tom agrees that there's a problem with ice cream, but that’s not it. The real problem: it’s too good. Tom begins craving a vanilly cone, much like he did on a recent drive around Newbridge.
As Tom piloted his hybrid past the rows of eateries, his hunger made everything seem allurring -- even items that would not usually sneak into the Scharpling diet. When he saw that Macdonald’s had their vanilly cones on sale for 25 cents, he was inspired to invent the ultimate trashy snack. In this culinary mash-up, you buy the hot apple pie and smash it right into the cone. You then eat the cone with a hot apple pie sticking out of it. Alas, the excitement dissipated, and Tom returned home to consume a natural snack in the form of an apple … dipped in caramel. This leads into a riff about the increasingly outlandish candy apples being sold on boardwalks. The current state of this oversized lolli is so out of whack that the apple with just the red glaze is the equivalent of a natural apple to the obese boardwalk denizens. For them, the real snacking magic occurs when the dumb fruit is made a bit smarter by applying fudge, crumbled pretzels, and rolling it in mini M & M's. Tom thinks that the add-ons make the apple component completely irrelevant and should just be thrown into a bag and eaten separately. Tom orders the boardwalk people to start focusing on health.
New Jersey Oreo roll: Mmmm, tastes like shrimp! (Note the "Diabetic Funnel Cakes")
Tom finds it weird that those kinds of treats would be financially successful on the boardwalk because everone he saw there this summer was pretty fit. He wonders how this is possible since they sell the worst food up there. Tom assumes that the people are burning the fat during their 1/4-mile walk before they start wheezing and collapse on a bench. Tom mentions another healthy boardwalk staple that he first saw last year: fried Oreos. In addition to being a health hazard, Tom points out that the frequent use and re-use of the frying oil would likely cause the Oreo to take on the flavor of shrimp and other savory items that had previously bathed in the murky liquid.
Tom also notes that Seaside Heights had more pizza for sale per square foot than anywhere on Earth. Tom went into a place that appeared to be a little more diverse, and, as the sign advertised, there was a dude making sushi. Tom wonders who is eating sushi on the boardwalk, especially coming from the hands of a man who was clearly not trained in the art of its preparation. While Tom is critical of the boardwalk’s offerings, he wonders if fresh fish that requires expert hands -- not a dude in a Jenkinson’s t-shirt -- is the best alternative. The guy was likely running the rollercoaster a few weeks ago after getting booted from bumper car duty because his failure to maintain one of the vehicles led to a kid banging his head on the steering wheel. Now he’s rolling yellowtail.
Tom is also not pleased with the hardline ticketing policies of Seaside Heights. Tom bought a $25 ride packet, and he didn’t get back down there to exhaust his remaining 15 tickets. He checked the tickets and discovered that they are good only in the year issued -- Memorial Day to Labor Day. Tom is baffled that they won’t let you use purchased tickets since it costs nothing to allow people to sit in a chair on a ride that will run anyway, regardless of whether its fully occupied by valid ticketholders. Tom’s not riling the workers out of their homes to oil up the bumper cars and get them running for an exclusive spin. Verdict: thumbs down.
- It appears that Tom pressed a button (starts at 40:16) that caused the show to go silent for a few seconds. He wonders where blooper godfather Kermit Schaefer is when you need him. Tom does an impression of a goofy anchorman going overboard ("Bleh bloo blah ...", etc.) while tripping over a word while reading the iPod piece. Here's two goodexamples of how to trip up and maintain professionalism. Tom seems a bit alarmed that he's at home getting steamed at the bloopers show, but it does allow him to cross “Blooper Rant” off his list of 800 topics.
Here's one of my all-time favorite "bloopers":
Antique Phonograph: Tom, if this guy contacts you about that snapped DAT tape, IGNORE HIM!
The above clip is amazing because while there's the initial blast of the funny, it quickly gives way to an undercurrent of horror and sadness, like you're getting a glimpse of what would have happened if Enid really did drop that "Devil Got My Woman" 78.
- Evan from Providence calls (starts at 47:13) to apologize for his drunken bit last week as "Lucas from Cranston", a musician who was planning to outdo Soupjam Stevens by recording an album for every country in the world. Evan regrets its lameness and promises that he's done calling as a character. You may also remember Evan from his call during the 5/16/06 show. He and Tom did a role-play that illuminated bar tipping etiquette.
Evan also has a topic for Tom on .... In this new segment, Tom will offer grouchy, 30-second opinions that may just be the most show-ready takes rather than his actual opinions. The segment was inspired by the old promos for the CBS television series, Becker. In these spots, Ted Danson would unleash cranky, sub-Archie Bunker riffs on topics like women's liberation. Tom recounts Danson's enlightening take on gay marriage: “I have no problem with gays getting married. Let them be as miserable as the rest of us!” Evan wants to hear Tom on ... people wearing any clothing with something written on the seat. Tom thinks it's stupid and wonders why everyone wants to become a corporate lackey who covers their body with advertising messages. Tom also thinks that Evan may want to go back to either calling with a prepared bit or option 3: GOMP.
- Tim V calls (starts at 50:29) to get Tom on ... superhero comic books circa 2006. Tom doesn't want to pay $3 for six pages of story buried within an overdrawing contest in which double-splash pages document every muscle in excruciating detail. Tom thinks it's lame to punish the people who buy each issue. Tom and Tim V agree that the solution is to just go to Barnes & Noble and flip through the trade paperbacks to figure out what’s good.
- Bill from 19428 calls (starts at 52:07), and Tom takes a crack at the PA-based zip with guesses of York and Harrisburg. Bill reveals that it's Conshohocken, and Tom said he would have got it if given more time. Bill wants to change Tom on ... to Scharpling on Scharpling. Tom thought that this was simply a titular alteration with a request to follow, but Bill actually wanted to hear Tom talk about himself. Tom points out that this is what he does anyway -- the show is one big three-hour version of that. Bill quickly segues to the subject of a good vanity plate he saw earlier in the day:
Tom mentions that 1994 was the year that the NY Rangers won the Stanley Cup. Bill doesn’t know about that, but he chuckled at a vanity plate for the first time in his life. It brought a smile to his face, even thought he's not into hockey. Tom is very intrigued by Bill, so he inquires about what else happened during his day, such as whether he used his keys to open his front door when he got home or if he put on both of his shoes. Bill's door was already open, but he confirms that he laced up both of his Timberlands. He also inhaled and exhaled. Tom thinks there must be really good pot down there in Conshohocken because he sounds like maybe the most stoned person he has ever spoken to. Bill is surprised by the honor, and Tom points out his abrupt shifts in subject matter indicate tuff puffing. Bill thought he was being clever with his “Scharpling on Scharpling” bit, but Tom has his number and deflated him.
Tom recommends that Bill seek out Evan in Rhode Island as a writing partner based on his great Soupjam bit. Speaking of that, Tom finished his song about South Plainfield, and the next one will be “Conshohocken Kind Bud”, which tells the story of a guy who smokes pot all day, calls radio shows, and tells them anything that crosses his mind. Bill admits that he’s no Fred. Tom agrees. Bill thinks he could write a good script for the buzz-worthy, pedestrian documentary The Long Walk To New York, and Tom considers this call his audition for that film. He graciously lets Tom go. Tom doesn't like this because HE calls the shots on when a call is terminated. As a result, he tests out a a GOMP alternative: “I’m letting YOU go.”
- A sad Bryce calls (starts at 57:20) because Tom hurt his feelings by declaring that Bill was the most stoned dude he’s ever talked to. Bryce wonders how Tom could do such a thing. Tom apologizes and says that Bryce is probably the most stoned person he’s ever spoken to. Bryce wants Tom to say it slower so he can record it. After a debate over comma placement, Tom officially goes on the record: “You, Bryce Prefontaine, are the most stoned person I have ever spoken to.” Bryce hadn’t taken his recording device off of pause, but he did write it down, so that’s good enough for him.
Bryce wants to know if Tom is watching Rock Star: Supernova tonight. Tom’s not since he’s doing the radio show. Bryce is surprised that Tom is doing the show now because he thought he was calling Tom’s home phone. Tom wonders how he would have gotten his home phone number and wants to know how he heard the previous caller. Bryce thinks it’s a darn good question, and what makes it even odder is that he does not have any electricity in his shanty behind the old Lady Foot Locker. Bryce suspects that he is pulling in the frequency via mind or bong waves. Tom thinks it might be possible. A tapping sound is heard on Bryce’s end, and he asks Tom if he heard the bong waves. Tom asks him if the sounds were bong waves, and Bryce thinks they were. Tom thinks it sounded like Bryce was hitting the phone. Bryce admits that he was doing that to convince Tom that he was a big man because he had a big bong.
The truth is that Bryce doesn’t have any bongs anymore. He took all of them to goodwill today because his mommy was yelling at him about the weed. Tom wants to know what she said, and Bryce makes some animal-like noises -- his mommy is a chipmunk that lives with him out in the woods. Bryce thinks he’s losing it, and Tom thinks he has been smoking a lot of pot that day. Bryce confirms this by estimating that he smoked twice the amount that would reach the second little place where your fingers bends if he dipped into his bag. Tom says that explains why he is hallucinating, and Bryce says it feels like his face is on fire. He tells Tom to hang on because his face is literally on fire because he held his lighter too close to it. During the flare-up, Hitler was there doing that goose-stepping with his woodland paramour, Nancy Wilson from Heart. Tom recaps the inhabitants of the woods, but Bryce says that he forgot two others: Rutager and Werner, drug-dealing German brothers who also do other stuff. Tom knows Werner from his days at the Consolidated Cardboard loading docks. Bryce thinks he’s kinda cool, but also kinda terrifying. Tom mentions that he looks kind of like Rutger Hauer, and Bryce adds that he has a blond mustache and black hair. Bryce was joking -- it’s actually the other way around. Bryce expresses his amusement at tricking Tom by laughing like Philly Boy Roy.
Bryce asks Tom if he watched The Path to 9/11. Tom did not watch it, and neither did Bryce because he had no electricity. Tom says that he will have to let him go because of the upcoming simulcast with Sam Seder. Bryce becomes very angry and says that if he does, he will kill Tom and his guest. Bryce says that he will go to the place where he dropped off his drug implements, retrieve them, and wedge them up in both of their [cut off before citing a specific body area, but it’s not much of a mystery.]
- Tom is expecting a call (starts at 1:05) from The Majority Report host Sam Seder, but there's nothing coming through. Tom and someone on the FOT Chat simultaneously speculate that Air America was finally shut down. Tom wants someone to get the listener line so he can dial it, but he doubts early responses of 1-800-DEBT-FREE or 1-800-LAWYER are the correct numbers. Tom declares the 1-800-LAWYER guy bad news and wonders if he is an actor or a legit man of the law. Tom thinks one would be more likely to spot this guy in the courtroom restrained with manacles than wearing a suit while arguing for the prosecution. Tom calls Sam Seder’s cell phone, but gets his voice-mail. Seder shuts it down during his show. Not Tom. Anybody can call him during the show. Tom tries one of the numbers posted on the chat and gets the voice-mail for Mike Malloy, who was recently dismissed from the Air America lineup. Tom leaves a message explaining that he’s trying to get ahold of Sam.
Tom laments that one can never depend on the celebrity segments. He dumped Bryce for a flop of an Air America bit and thinks it’s time to move on. Tom finds it even more troubling because the genesis of The Majority Report occured on The Best Show, and he's listed in Seder’s book as the godfather of program. Tom tries another number. Nobody answers. Tom’s had enough. Tom declares that The Best Show crushes The Majority Report and questions their worth since Bush won by the largest margin in history in 2004. Tom tries yet another number. Minutes of the show vanishing. He gets the voice-mail for a man named Phil Voyce. Tom’s done. Air America, the Wet Rat of talk radio, is dead to Tom. They don't deliver the goods. Seder begged Tom to do the simulcast and didn’t follow through. He even sent an e-mail informing Tom that he would be on at precisely 9:06 p.m. Tom was ready. But: silence. Tom later speculated that it was some kind of practical joke. Tom can’t give up and tries another number. This time he gets the voice-mail of Jerry Springer. Now he’s really done.
- A caller breaks up (starts at 1:17) the Air America debacle with a discussion of Brian Dennehy. The caller met Dennehy earlier in the day, and Tom wants to hear the details. The caller doesn't want to tell the story because the encounter brought up a lot of surprising emotions when reflecting on his work in made-for-TV movies like Death of a Salesman. Dennehy even mentioned his work in Peter Greenaway’s The Belly of an Architect. Tom is impressed that the caller was discussing obscure movies from Dennehy’s canon with the man himself. The caller said he was a very nice guy and wants to hear Tom on ... Brian Dennehy. However, Tom has to cut him off due to some stupid robot technological thing. Tom declares Air America a third-rate organization and the reason that his Republican collegues keep winning elections. They run a tight ship. Rush Limbo gets the people on. Bob Grant gets it done. Air America is a bush-league, amateur-hour enterprise, and Tom ain't got no time for rookie time.
- Mark in Manhattan calls (starts at 1:20) for a taste of Tom on ... sandals worn by a man. Tom is not a fan of the man sandals. Mark shares the opinion and has a short sandal story. He recently saw a guy wearing little flip-flops walking down the street. The piece of fabric snapped, leaving the guy with nothing. He picked up the busted sandal and proceeded barefoot down the disgusting, rain-slicked pavement, looking glum like George Michael on Arrested Development. The man appeared to be sad and embarrassed, and Mark hopes it made him re-evaluate his sandal lifestyle. It was the happiest moment of Mark’s life. Tom thinks it's acceptable to wear a sandal at the beach while on vacation, but not walking around in the real world all the live-long day. Tom doesn’t want to see Hobbit-like man feet.
Over the weekend, Mark saw a guy wearing slippers in a gas station, which he considers further evidence of the lowering of footwear standards. Tom, however, would support slippers in public because it shows that he’s a maverick, dancing to the beat of his own drummer. Mark said it seemed like the guy was doing it because he did not own proper shoes. In that case, Tom will definitely not fault him since the alternative would be barefoot. Mark would prefer him to use resources such as the Salvation Army. Tom compares this view to calling for the New Orleans residents displaced by Katrina to run away and move. Mark admits that there are special circumstances, but he can’t in good conscience respect the gas station dog. Tom wonders if the slippered man was an employee or a customer. Mark said he appeared to be making a quick stop for some nachos. Tom starts to say that if he has money to drop on food, he could buy shoes, but he refuses to condemn him because he, too, would wear slippers. Mark supports individualism but within limits. Tom supports individualism up to a point, but then everyone should do the same thing.
Mark then gives The Best Show an exclusive by proudly coining the term “mandal”. Tom wants to make sure that he's actually attempting to take credit for it. Mark says that he's vaguely taking credit for the term in the sense of not having heard it in a long time and dredging it up from the recesses of his brain during the call. Tom wants to know if he’d also like to stick his flag in “mullet”, “panini”, or “bacne”. Mark has no interest in being linked to "bacne", but he takes semi-credit for “panini” because he’s the only one in his circle of friends who knows the term. Tom says that just because you're the first one in your group of friends to use a term, it doesn't mean that you invented it for the entire planet. As a young kid, Tom invented the “I Know You Are But What Am I” rejoinder because none of the other three people in his neighborhood had said it. Another example of this phenomenon is Richard Lewis claiming that he invented "the ________ from hell".
Tom nu-GOMPs Mark with a trio: “I’m hanging up on YOU”, “I ain’t got time for YOU", and “I’ll let YOU go.” Tom’s amazed that the phones are dead when every call has ended with him yelling and GOMPing.
- Brian from Pompton Plains, N.J., calls (starts at 1:28) for no real apparent reason. He’s been a fan of the show for a couple of years and catches it on the way home from his job in Livingston, N.J. Tom perked up because he thought he said that he worked for the NBA, instead of the more boring CPA firm. Tom was hoping he could secure him some courtside seats for next season. Brian mentions that the U.S. Open was pretty good. He didn’t attend, but he saw it on the TV. He looked on craigslist, but everyone wanted around $300 per ticket. Brian say that there’s something about greed in this world. Tom agrees, and he doesn’t like it. He gives Brian a tip about greed by way of Robert Loggia in em>Scarface: “Never underestimate the other guy’s greed!” [evil laughter]
- Laura makes a rare request (starts at 1:30) for that “Porcupine Pie” song that Tom’s been playing. She thinks it’s by Neil Diamond. As Tom starts carting it up, she also requests a shout-out to her friend Sam in Brooklyn. They used to work in the same office together and are both big fans of the show. She does the standard radio introduction: “Hey, this is Laura, I’m calling from Maplewood, N.J., and I’m sending out ‘Porcupine Pie’ to Sam in Brooklyn.” Oops. A different song starts playing:
Tom realizes that the snafu occurred because a mislabeled Neil Diamond .mp3 infiltrated his Geoff Downes folder, which is packed with tracks from The Buggles, Asia, and some Downes Wetton demos.
Do Re Egon: Who you gonna call ... an a-hole?
- Max has a story (starts at 1:32) about getting insulted by Bill Murray at the age of 11 or 12. He and his brother were at a playground in Manhattan. Bill and his brother, the very talented John Murray of Moving Violations fame, were also there. They all shot some hoops and then everyone sat down. Murray was chatting it up and asked if any of them saw La Bamba. Max heard from a friend that it wasn’t very good, and he wanted to join in the conversation, so he said: “Yeah, you know, I heard that movie kinda sucked.” Murray fired back: “Well, you know what? I heard you were an a**hole.” Max was mortified. Tom’s verdict: advantage Murray. Tom also thinks that he probably schooled him on the court. Max does not comment on the quality of his basketball play.
CUT TO:
THREE WEEKS AGO
FADE IN
A tenement building on Manhattan's Lower East Side. The traffic is audible, as is the cry of fishmongers. Someone is milling around outside of a tiny Italian restaurant on a street corner.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
The independent filmmaker WES ANDERSON busts through the door as some Faces song plays on the soundtrack. He's wearing a green velvet suit with a racing scarf. He carries a tattered copy of "Franny and Zooey" in one hand, and a mouse in the other. The mouse is wearing the same suit and scarf ensemble. We see a waiter immediately dart towards him, knocking another customer to the ground, dropping a stack of utensils and several wine glasses like a scene from some slapstick farce. This is MAX'S BROTHER.
MAX'S BROTHER
(out of breath)
Hey, man! That AMEX commercial was a risky move, but I thought it was good. Kinda sellout-y, but still good.
WES ANDERSON
So glad you approved. When you're done cleaning up your mess, I'll have the Richebourg.
Wes sits down and begins reading some Salinger to the mouse, who listens attentively atop his bread plate. A couple of minutes later, a 6' 2” guy walks in. He's dressed like Darkman. He further obscures his visage with one of those hand-held Mardi Gras masks. It's purple and sparkly. He pulls off the disguise to reveal himself to be BILL MURRAY. He's joined by one of his adopted kids. Max's brother sets up the table, spilling Wes's Pinot Noir in the process. The mouse starts slurping up the red liquid.
WES ANDERSON
Kumar! No!
Wes scoops up the mouse, just as Max's brother leans down to Murray, who is gulping an entire pot of coffee.
MAX'S BROTHER
Did you know that coffee can cause serious delirium? Anyway, um ... like 15 years ago, you insulted my brother in a crowd of people. Not so cool, man.
BILL MURRAY
(dryly sarcastic)
Really? Oh, I'm sorry. I must have been drunk, son.
(beat)
I bet I still schooled you a-holes on the court!
Max's brother walks away shaking his head in disbelief that Murray got them again. Just before he reaches the kitchen, he trips and falls face-first onto a plate of ravioli.
WES ANDERSON
What did that kid want with you, Billmurray?
BILL MURRAY
His brother's still pissed because I zung him about not liking La Bamba.
WES ANDERSON
Esai Morales was really good in that.
BILL MURRAY
Kid's still trying to even the score like he's fucking Ahab.
CUT TO:
PRESENT DAY
INT. WFMU RADIO HEADQUARTERS (AKA "THE MAGIC FACTORY") - NIGHT
TOM SCHARPLING is in the midst of his top-shelf program. He just heard MAX recount the restaurant story live on the air.
TOM SCHARPLING
(to Max, via telephone)
Advantage: Murray. GET OFF MY PHONE!
THE END.
- A dazed-sounding Miles reveals (starts at 1:36) that he knows Max, although he has not spoken to him in seven years. Max told him the Murray story about two or three years ago, and he thinks it may be questionable. Tom thinks Max has been dining out on this Bill Murray story. Miles wants to make a Lighthouse Confession, so Tom fires up the foghorn. The calming, salt air puts Miles in the mood to come clean about his misdeeds. For the purposes of the story, Miles uses the name “Ben”.
He recently relocated to North Carolina, so he’s been keeping in touch with his longtime friends via the telephone. As he was driving home from work this past week, he called a good friend that he hadn’t spoken to in years. At this point, Tom has a confession of his own: “Ben” is one of his best friends. Tom asks "Ben" if he is drunk. He wasn't then, but he is now. He had a couple glasses of wine. He recently got his friend's phone number, and since they used to play practical jokes on each other, a prank call seemed like a good way to reconnect. The moment his friend answered, he delivered a simple knock-knock joke that they used to do 4-5 years ago. The moment he got the punch line out, he hung up on him, knowing that he would know it was him. The moment he disconnected the call, he was elated and filled with laughter. He called other friends to tell them what he did. They congratulated him because it was hard for them to get in touch with this elusive guy. He was now even more elated that he pulled it off. The next day, he called again. This time, when the friend answered, he did an off-color, sex-based joke that they had between them. At that moment, he hung up on him again. He fell over his steering wheel with laughter.
As he continued to drive home, he wondered why his other friends had such trouble getting this particular guy on the phone, while he was having no problem. His voice also sounded very different. You guessed it. He was calling the wrong number! His mind started flying, wondering who he has been calling. Tom GOMLs him for harassing a poor old lady with dirty jokes and then hanging up.
- A familiar voice skips any introduction (starts at 1:43) and goes right into a request for Tom on ...Scag Winesack. Tom quickly responds: “Scary. Troubling. He’s a disturbed man." Tom says that "unhinged" would also come up in his description of Mr. Winesack. The caller liked two of those, but the other two are not sitting too well with him. He fires again with Tom on ... lending me a pair of bolt cutters. Tom does not have them to lend. If he did, he would probably need them, so he would not be so willing to lend them out. Next up: Tom on ... lending me $150. Tom says that is really not going to happen. The caller is unphased and tries Tom on ... bumming me a cigarette. Tom doesn’t smoke, so he won’t have any. The last attempt is Tom on ... finally making good on my offer for a job. The caller says that Tom has been incredibly elusive about this particular offer to work as his driver. Tom says that he has no interest in being a wheel man in some kind of creepy enterprise. He also confirms that the caller is indeed Skag Winesack, who has several job openings posted in “the breakroom”. Skag has a line on a good poker game, so he needs a driver to just keep the engine running while he does all the heavy lifting. Tom is not interested in being involved with crime, so he respectfully disassociates himself from it. Skag explains that when you come from where he comes from, you have to walk both sides of the fence.
Tom guesses that he comes from a houseboat, but while Skag does live in one, he originates from “the streets” in the larger scheme of things. Skag is no stranger to the pavement, prowling the beat as a PI, Bureau man, and a cop. While he's retired, he still gets sucked into the occasional case. It’s been quite some time since he’s called, and Tom assumed he might have been dead. Skag does listen occasionally, and he’s a little bit troubled that Tom hasn’t shown any concern for his well-being on the air. He gives Tom the benefit of the doubt by suggesting that he was going to the bathroom during all of Tom's commentary on his absence. Tom’s glad he’s still around, but disappointed that he’s still into crime. Skag says he’s seen better days, but that could be said at any point in the last 50 years -- and he’s 62. He’s also drunk. Skag likes to pick up the phone and make some calls when he’s been drinking. Tom uses the term “drunk dialing” to describe this act, but Skag opts for the more risque “booty call”. Tom says that the call is definitely not that, and Skag assures him that he’s not “that way”.
Skag wants Tom to lose his virginity when it comes to crime by going out on a job with him. Tom says he’s clean cut and he won’t be popping anything with Skag in tow. Skag says it’s a long, sad road, and promises to keep Tom informed about every single aspect of it. Tom asks him to work on the right side of the law. Skag's not sure what side the universe will find him on, but cites "passed out under an overpass" as one possible location. Tom tells Skag to stay safe.
- Tom got the word (starts at 1:50) that the simulcast may be happening. Tom takes a call from Sam Seder’s underling, who patches Tom through to The Majority Report. The Lyres’ “Help You Ann” gives way to about three seconds of Sam’s introduction of Tom until the connection died. Tom renews his attacks on Air America (e.g., bush-league, responsible for Bush's re-election, etc.) and thinks the chance for a simulcast is ova. Tom's disappointed because it sounded like Sam was building up to a pretty special introduction. Another call comes in and Tom thinks it might get past the 15-second mark, but it only lasts about a second. Tom wonders how this is even possible. The underling comes back to inform Tom of some technical difficulties. He claims that Sam is ready to engage the simulcast. It didn’t work. Air America can’t even put a call on the air, but Tom proves that he can.
- David calls (starts at 1:53) in a third-rate Petey voice to report that he's spending a fine evening by himself. Tom’s shocked by this because he sounds like a very social, outgoing person. He wants to talk about Tom’s earlier comment on Piwates of the Cawabbean: Dead Man's Chest being too short and wanting to see the 11-hour version. He agrees with Tom that it was too short, and he was let down by an ending that simply told you to come back for more blockbuster fun next summer. I haven't seen the film, so I was pleased to get the full experience from Tom's recap: "Guy gets off the boat, guy gets back on the boat, guy gets off the boat again, guy’s hanging on the side of the boat." I guess I'll rent it. Guy hanging on side of boat sounds kinda cool.
- The underling is back (starts at 1:54) to tell Tom that they can hear him over the air. Tom says he can’t hear them because everytime he’s patched in, it goes “BLONK!” He wants to put Tom on hold and then have him pretend that he can hear what Sam is saying. Tom says that sounds really satisfying, so he wants to try it. The "BLONK!" happens and Tom tears into them, suggesting that they wouldn't be having these problems if Janeane Garafalo was still the co-host. Tom thinks it's a sad day of sad radio. He informs The Majority Report listeners that the WFMU phones still work and takes another call.
- Johnny calls (starts/ends at 1:55) and makes everyone wish the WFMU phones didn’t still work. He’s GOMPed.
- Pat calls (starts at 1:55) to express concern about the fate of Miles because it appeared that Tom threw him out of the lighthouse. Tom confirms that he pushed him out the window, and Pat thinks that is pretty rough stuff. His body is mangled on the jagged rocks below and will be dragged out to sea to be eaten by sharks. Pat’s only been listening for a couple of months, and he wants some news on the podcast. Tom says that it’s at 53, down 6 from last week. Pat can't imagine anyone unsubscribing to The Best Show podcast. Pat thinks that Air America needs to get their act together, and Tom says that they are going down the turlet. Tom tells Pat that during the simulcast, he planned to discuss the issues of the day a la Mort Sahl -- just open up a newspaper and dig into the headlines. Tom says "Best Show Forever", and Pat feels that sentiment.
- A caller informs Tom (starts at 1:57) that they were making fun of him on Air America. Tom wants to know who was saying it, and he said the culprits were Sam and some Janeane-ish girl. Tom thinks the mockery is misguided because he's not to blame for the Scotch tape coming off the rickety antenny they have set up over there. Tom points out that WFMU is a listener-sponsored station that is still able to run things the right way.
- August checks in (starts at 1:59), and Tom wants a school update. He says that things are going well, but he has too much homework. He was calling to say that Air America needs better equipment, as Tom said, or they should actually try to put Tom on the air. August senses that they don't think Tom is good enough for them, but he doesn't think they are good enough for Tom. Tom likes it! Tom appreciates the sweet notion, and August says he's simply speaking the truth. Tom wants to know how his love of rock music is going, and August reports that it's had its ups and down as school has taken precedence over his investigations into the genre. August still can't name any specific bands, so Tom wonders what rock he was actually hearing. August is not really sure because he just goes on YouTube and cues up random AMVs. Tom does think August is on the right track by using YouTube for his sonic explorations: “It’s a great place to listen to music.” I think Tom should do some kind of Special Edition of Smash or Trash in which he elitics August's opinions on a variety of rock tracks. Tom cuts the discussion short because he thinks Sam Seder may have finally found a working phone.
Elf Torture: Radio host and dry humorist Sam Seder wages a war on Christmas
- Sam Seder calls (starts at 2:00) after finally taking care of the tech issues, but it’s three minutes after his show ended. Sam knows that there is a lot of bitterness and resentment on Tom’s part by having to watch Sam’s career explode. Tom said it has exploded like the ill-fated Challenger. As part of the new lineup, Sam is moving to 9 a.m. - noon, the primetime of radio. He says that nobody cares about Tom's timeslot. He also wants to know why Tom couldn’t get his act together and execute the simulcast. Tom mocks his underling, and Sam says that they could hear what Tom was saying. Tom can hear him now because Sam is using his personal cell instead of the broken Air America equipment that will be repossessed tomorrow. Tom tells Sam this is why we won the election. Sam’s confused. Tom says that we just do it a little better than you guys.
Sam Seder's guest, Sarah Silverman, can be heard in the background: “Is he a Republican?” Seder confirms that Tom is a big-time Republican. Tom says he's a non-partisan who just votes on the issues. Sam says that is not unlike Joe Leiberman, but Tom doesn’t know who that is. Seder explains that he’s the Senator from Connecticut and questions whether WFMU follows current events. Tom says they can do sports and pop culture stuff. Sam wonders if Tom gets all of his topics from the FOT Chat, but Tom explains that he also uses Thirty Mile Zone and the hard-hitting The Superficial, if he’s looking for something with a bit more teeth.
Sam tells Tom that he is always available for dispensing radio tips. Tom wonders if there will be advice on how to have someone quit on you. Sam says that topic will be covered because there is a right and wrong way to do it. Tom wants to know what Jerry Springer is up to, and Sam says he will still be syndicated. He thinks Clear Channel will make sure that he doesn’t have many affiliates. Tom detects a ring of melancholy in Tom's voice. Sam likes a challenge because it all comes so easily for him. Tom agrees that Sam has an effortless talent not unlike Dean Martin. Sam says he’s also helped by being drunk half the time on his air. Tom says the airwaves are owned by the public. Sam says he’s only drunk when on XM.
Tom gives some background on the history of Sam’s radio empire, the story of Sam begging for access to the WFMU airwaves to satiatate his burning ambition to be on the radio. Tom kindly granted him two hours of air time in which they sandbagged a guy from Fox News and chatted with Janeane Garafalo. A year later, the duo were on Air America. Sam questions Tom about why that show (2/11/03) is not available on the archive page. He thinks that maybe too many people were trying to access it. Tom says that there was another segment in that show that people wanted to hear. Sam offers to do some fundraising if money is the issue, but Tom says he’ll get it back up. Tom thinks Air America might need the fundraising help. Sam thinks that is entirely conceivable. Tom wants to know the temperature of Air America at this time.
The Majority Report will end on Friday, and the new show will be called The Sam Seder Show. Tom compares The Majority Report to The Mike O’Malley Show and now he’s moving on to his equivalent of Yes, Dear. Seder thinks that’s a great way to put it. Tom says that’s an example of the kind of references one can expect on The Best Show. Seder auditioned for Yes, Dear, but he didn't get the part. “Too Jewish,” he was told. Tom wants to know who will be his Anthony Clark, but Sam has no response. Tom says hat things are going well over at Consolidated, and Sam wonders if he might be able to knock off for an hour in the morning under the guise of a pee break. Sam thinks Tom could join his show much like Keith Olbermann stops by Dan Patrick's ESPN radio show. Seder doesn’t know Olbermann, but appreciates Countdown.
Sam is distracted by Silverman, who is an example of the national figures that he is able to get for his show. He says that Tom must get this caliber of guest since he’s currently on the air. Tom says it’s very exciting to finally attract someone of his stature. Tom shifts the discussion to Sam's bowtie, which he no longers wears. He has, however, been doing the Tucker Carlson show. Tom likes Carlson because he’s a good dancer. Tom was tipped off that Seder was discussing Katherine Harris on that evening’s show and wasn’t sure if it was a Best Of clip. Seder says that Harris is the gift that keeps on giving, but Tom's less enthused: “If those are the kind of presents you want.” Sam says the ratings are not relevant at this point, and his bonus structure in his non-existent contract actually rewards the lack of listeners.
Tom says that everyone loves Sam Seder and that no one was happier than him when he found out that he got the Air America gig. With the amount of jealousy that was seething through him, Sam was really impressed by the way Tom acted at the time. Tom admits that he does have a burning desire to talk about politics for three hours a night and he’s been denied it. The good news is that Sam and Tom will be able to do this on a regular basis since he will no longer be working evenings. Tom wants to know if he wants to discuss the vote in Florida. Seder did discuss it on that night's show. Seders offers a topical parting shot: "This attempt to smear McGovern – it ain’t gonna work." Tom GOMPs him.
I was hoping that Tom would ask Sam about his elusive-yet-prolific music label. Why must Mr. Seder deny us easy access to the French proto-metal compilations we all desire?
- Tom hears the intermittent sounds (starts at 2:11) of a little kid voice, and it repeatedly startles him. It’s August. He remained on the line throughout the entire Seder. Tom wants his take on the interview, but August only heard Tom’s end of the conversation. That’s good enough since he heard the funny stuff. Based on Tom’s responses, August didn’t think that Seder was saying anything very interesting. Tom confirms that he was being mean, but Tom’s a big boy who can take it. The Best Show is where it wants to be -- 8 to 11p.m. Seder can’t handle that he was being trounced by Dancing with the Stars. Tom mocks his frequent bookings of boring bloggers like Daily Kos and Atrios. Tom notes that the bloggers failed to stop the war in Iraq.
Tom asks August if he’s feeling alright because he sounds sad. August says that something got caught in his throat, a common cause for sadness. August is currently lying down because his sinuses were annoying him. Tom says August may be the most interesting person he’s ever spoken to. Tom says August is very funny without even knowing it. Tom wants to know if there are funny movies or TV shows he likes. As for movies, he finds Monty Python and the Holy Grail to be amusing. Tom agrees. August doesn’t go to see comedies much. My guess is that he largely persists on a steady film diet of Bergman chamber dramas and early Fassbinder.
Tom wants to know what August does for entertainment purposes other than listening to music on YouTube and “The Hamster Dance”. August seems a bit frustrated in correcting Tom that his friends were "The Hampster Dance" fans. As for entertainment, August says he generally goes on a Go server. Tom wants August to school him on Go. August explains that it’s a Japanese board game, and the people he generally plays with don’t live near him, so he competes against them via the Internet. Tom wonders if it’s like Tic-Tac-Toe. August says that if he had to relate it to a more Western game, he’d say it’s close to Grand Theft Auto chess in terms of the fact that you need strategies. However, Go is much different and harder than chess. Tom asks if people who play chess are stupid.
August says that chess players are not stupid because it’s just a matter of preference. In chess, it’s more about one of the opponent’s moves blocking one of yours, but in Go, you have to look at a much larger picture and not just focus on small battles. Tom thinks this sounds kinda like life, and August agrees. He explains that Go was invented by some advisors to the leaders of Japan. There was a prince who didn’t want to learn about the strategies of war, so the advisors came up with the game to teach him. Tom asks August if he knows where they are right now, and August says that based on the foghorn sound he just heard, it would be a lighthouse. He’s right. The foghorn gets louder. Tom bids him goodnight.
- Tom Riley from New Zealand calls (starts at 2:20) to say that he thinks he may have met the guy who told the Bill Murray story. He thinks it may be some kind of urban legend like the one where someone went to KFC and bit into some chicken whose juiciness resulted from a cyst. Tom finds the story disgusting. Riley thought it was known internationally, but Tom says it must be relegated to NZ. A yawn could be heard, and Riley thinks his friend picked up the phone as he was waking up. My theory: he was bored by the KFC story.
Last night, Riley saw Far Off Town -- Dunedin To Nashville, a documentary about The Clean's David Kilgour directed by his friend. As a result, he wants to hear Tom on ...Flying Nun. Tom thinks it was an awesome label that brought so many bands to the world. But like every good label, it’s run its course. Riley says that Flying Nun was compared to Matador in the documentary, but a fact-check reveals that it was actually Merge. Riley admits that Flying Nun is not his region of expertise, although this doesn't prevent him from discussing it every time he calls. Mike the Associate Producer tells Tom that there’s a call on line 3 that he has to take, so Riley is dismissed.
- Rocco from The Bowery Boys Charlie in Seattle calls (starts at 2:24) to find out where the cosmopolitan Tom likes to visit. The carboard biz takes Tom all over the world, and he just went to a thing in Camden, N.J., which may be his favorite place on Earth. Charlie has never been there missing out on it's beaches alongside water that is either the Atlantic ocean or a weird lake. Tom recommends that all listeners consider it because your vacation dollar will not go farther anywhere else. Charlie reveals some of his favorite places: upstate NJ, California, and Eastern Canada. Tom likes these places, too, but he insists you can’t beat Camden. Charlie will vacation their next summer, and Tom recommends blocking off six weeks to absorb all of the nuances
- Max is back (starts at 2:27) to defend his Bill Murray story. He doesn't know Tom Riley, but does say hi to Miles. He denies dining out on it all over the world, and goes on the offensive against Riley. He accuses Riley of pretending to not know about Matador Records while going to see a Flying Nun movie like some “wide-eyed, bushy-tailed, dumb bunny.” He doesn’t appreciate the haters, but Tom says that he’s one of the haters, still railing against Bill Murray from an incident that occurred in the late 1980s. At the time, he told his dad about the story, and he said that he should go on David Letterman. Tom thinks he’s looking to get rich off of this, but he claims he’s only after Yo La Tengo tickets. Tom says he’ll put him in touch with some people at the UCB Theater so he can do a one-man show called “Me & Bill”.
At the time of the incident, he went to the corner to call his Mom, who had a big crush on Murray. She came rushing down to pick them up and waved to them from afar. Tom is amazed that he and his brother are so consumed with the grudge that they were unable to focus on the fact that Bill Murray was wearing a MASK. Max's time references seem a bit suspect. He claims this took place around the time of Ghostbusters II in 1989, but Murray was asking about La Bamba, which was released in 1987. Surely, Murray was not soliciting random thoughts on that film two year's after its initial release.
- DJ Terre T calls (starts at 2:30) from a big celebrity party with a really big up and coming metaler guy standing by. He ran into Professor Stupid, and he wants to tell the story to Tom. Tom can’t do it over the air due to station rules. Terre T is disappointed because it’s a great story. Tom’s dying inside but the rules thems the rules. Terre will tell him later.
- Paul calls (starts at 2:31) to say that the station does indeed rule. He wants to get back to something to get our dander up: Deadhead Al Franklin. Tom’s not sure who that is. Paul says that he's a lying liar who tells lies. A bit earlier, Tom took Al Franklin to task for writing a book that attacks longtime newsman Bill Beutel. Tom wondered what did Bill Beutel ever did to anybody to deserve the attack. Tom wants to know if Paul's a Bush man. He’s not, and Tom can’t believe it. Paul thinks President Nobody is the man for the job because there’s nobody out there, especially not the "gooseneck Leiberman". Paul goes out like a lamb. Tom declares the show an "L". He thought it was gonna be one thing, and it's turning into another thing. Tom wants to find a cave to bury the tape of this show.
- Petey calls (starts at 2:52) to report that school is bringing him down. He doesn’t want to go into any details, and Tom asks him how many swirlies he’s received. Petey says none. Tom asks him if he has a different term for them, and he does: whirlies. He’s received seven of those. Petey explains that hen the times change, they replace vocabulary and stuff. Petey says that nobody likes school, but Tom reminds him that August does. Petey accuses August of being a prep. Tom asks him how he would know, and Petey says that you can tell. Petey doesn’t want to get in any trouble with August and says he’s probably a good kid.
Petey passes the reign down to August as the kid that regularly calls, but Tom doesn’t think it’s his right because he tried to bring Boring Dan into the fold. Petey says that Dan has depression problems because of Tom’s mockery. Tom thanks Petey for killing the show with the death blow. Petey wanted to sing the rest of his court-mandated Bob Dylban tune, but Tom GOMPs him.
- John from New Brunswick calls (starts at 2:54) while chomping on a 'boli at Stuff Yer Face. After that, he'll head over to the Grease Trucks. He recently attended the art parade in SoHo, which was really good until it was ruined by the sight of some tall bikes. John spotted a 5’ 3” thug, who looked like a Hobbit standing next to his tall bike. John's favorite thing to eat at the Grease Trucks is the Fat Cat -- thre Big Macs stacked on top of each other. Tom thinks that the presence of the Grease Trucks explains why there are two hospitals in New Brunswick. I’ve never sampled this fare, but I can’t imagine anything topping the Fat Darrell
- A caller reckons (starts at 2:56) that Bill Murray guy stole his whole story. This appeared to be Tom Riley calling again. Why? Come on, Riley. Go school yourself with that The Clean anthology Merge put out and ease up on the phone pedal.
- Boring Dan calls (starts at 2:57) to say he was pretty offended by Tom’s comments. He says something about Petey slacking off of late, and Tom thinks this is a 37-year-old imposter. Tom says that no one gets the Yo La Tengo tickets: “As far as the callers go tonight, it was a 55-way tie for last.” Petey requests the tickets via IM, and Tom denies him.
- No Smokin' Joe hits Tom up (starts at 2:58) as he’s out the door. Tom's response to the call is simple and direct: “I hate you so much.” He calls NSJ the worst person to ever appear on The Best Show. He wants to know how NSJ is doing with the child molestation charges. He e-mailed Tom saying he got arrested. NSJ laughs and says Tom is Johnny Carson. When he is forced to talk to NSJ, Tom wishes he was Johnny Carson because he died two years ago. Tom begs God to kill him, and NSJ says something about wishing he was Frank Gorshin. A poetic way to ride out an "L". Bad Guys win.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Bill Murray calls to discuss his various public disguises, August gets the Yo La Tengo tickets by coming up with an exit strategy for Iraq, and, most importantly, the Good Guys Win.
Will Miss-aisle Sunset hold on for Record of the Year?
The DC Snipers perform "You Dissappeear Me" in the dark woods behind the old Lady Foot Locker
Finally, it was just announced that the DVD set of the century is coming out on December 26th. Use every damn gift card to get every damn episode:
President Nazarbayev will visit the White House and the Bush family compound in Maine when he flies in for talks that will include the fictional character Borat.
"I will whip your child." -- Tom on his new, The Ghostface Killer-inspired business venture ($10/whip; belt not provided)
"See, I can do this art stuff." -- Tom, looking for an NEA grant for his anti-commercialism Snickers installation
"I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change." -- Rocky Balboa in the inspirational Rocky IV
"You missed school for four stitches?" -- Tom, expressing doubt about Petey's excuse for his Opening Day absence
"Anything can happen when it comes to The Fuzz." -- Tom, warning Megan about drinking in a parked car
"Not in my wheelhouse. Give me someone in my wheelhouse." -- Tom, trying out his Bill Murray impression
"No, it didn’t come with a bun. What I had didn’t come with a bun." -- Spike, trying to convince Tom that he did not order a filet-o-fish sandwich
"Never have I cheered more for a shop going out of business." -- Tom on the closure of Don K. Reed’s Doo Wop Shop
“Not all of them did drugs." -- Spike, defending Doo-Wop Nation
"Children under the age of 25 should be never be seen nor heard." -- Spike, reinforcing his age-based discrimination
"I wouldn’t believe him if his tongue came notorized." -- Spike, badmouthing our President in increasingly bizarre ways
"Do you hear that ladies? This is your chance to get some Unabomber action.” -- Tom, trying to sell the listening audience on Dan McNamara
"Hey, Sweet Tooth is back!" -- Rahway State Prison officials on the return of their favorite inmate
"You’re tuned to 91.1 and here’s some Skinny Puppy, YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -- A dude about to be very, very disappointed
"Oh my God, my sister called?!" -- Dan McNamara, disgusted that his only female caller was a sibling
"Yes, but Robin Hood was still a thief." -- August, sticking up for law and order
"If they’re made out of pretzels, I could probably chew my way out of them." -- August, hatching his escape plan
Anyone -- male or female -- that thinks a photo of Rosario Dawson in an evening gown is tasteless needs to join a monastery." -- The wit and wisdom of an Autograph Collector reader
"What circles did you roll in?" -- Tom on Dave in Knoxville's autograph collection
"I just like the songs; I don’t like the live show." -- Tom, praising Gwar’s tunesmithing
Phone Line Update: The cost has increased to upwards of $5,336 per call because Tom now pays 15 ConEd workers to provide 24/7 protection for the underground platinum cables, which run from “The Brick City” all the way to JC. By preventing any trolls from interfering with the cables, Tom can ensure optimal sound quality for The Best Show listeners.
- Lucas in Cranston, R.I., calls (starts at 24:20) to report that things are dandy, and he’s excited by the prospects of imbibing later in the evening. When Lucas clears his throught, Tom detects a Ted Knight quality to his voice and thought he might announce his intentions to purchase the Bushwood Country Club. Lucas is a big fan of the podcast and wants an update on its precarious standing. It’s doing just OK at 59 subscribers, and Tom says it’s the responsibility of everyone who enjoys the podcast to take as little as 10 minutes a day to promote it to their friends in conversation or chat it up on the Intronet -- word of mouth goes a long way. Tom hears reports about the robust subscriber bases of other shows (e.g., Professor Dumbledore's Ultimate Pit Of Darkness has 145 unholy minions), and he’s embarrassed that he can’t even break 60. Lucas mentions that the podcast does not require an iPod since you can have it transmitted right onto your computer.
The call shifts to Soupjam Stevens, the banjo-lovin’ songsmith whose Illinois fell victim to one of Tom’s Unfair Record Reviews earlier this year. Lucas, a musician who’s recorded several albums on 4-track, was inspired by Soupjam’s 50 States Project to come up with his own geographical music adventure. He plans to outdo Soups by recording an album for every country in the world before he dies. Unfortunately, Lucas’s sweet moment of glory only lasted about five seconds. Tom trumps him with a major musical announcement of his own: he will write a song for every town in America. Tom will start by penning a tune about South Plainfield, NJ.’s Hadley Shopping Center. Recommended title for Tom’s song: “BEWARE! The Owl Hoots Loudly At The Bear Rock Café, Which Sits Atop A Viking Burial Ground.”
Gift Alert: the fine folks at Asthmatic Kitty are compiling the perfect stocking stuffer for Tom this holiday season.
BANG!: Purple Shirt is set to invade Russia armed with domestic Snickers
- Purple Shirt checks in (starts at 28:52) after returning from a pleasure-seeking mission in Turkey. Tom emits some noises that sound remarkably similar to the phrases “rich kid” and “Daddy’s money” as he dislodges something from his throat. PS suspects it was an intentional dig. Tom was concerned that Turkey is one of those sick, prevert countries, but PS assures him that he was not converted into another Gary Glitter. While on the trip, PS downloaded The Best Show podcasts from Intronet cafes, and he passed the waiting time by crafting postcards depicting himself getting some kind of Turkish rubdown. He sent one such postcard to Tom.
At this point, Tom informs new listeners that PS is an independently wealthy artist who gets a $7,000/day stipend from his trust fund. PS refutes the cushy financial status and claims that he could afford the Turkey vacation because he’s been on rent strike for two years. Tom’s prediction: “You are going to owe a lot of money all of a sudden.” PS is confident that he will beat it and continue to fund future worldly jaunts with his savings. Tom finds it unlikely that PS will ever hear the following from his landlords: “Rent, schment, you don’t owe us anything. Go in peace.”
PS is getting paid to go to Russia for two weeks, and he wants to know if Tom wants any souvenirs. Tom declines PS’s offer of vodka and opts for a simple Snickers bar. But here’s the twist: Tom wants PS to purchase the bar (not "Fun Size") in the U.S., take it to Russia, and then bring it back home. PS will pack it in his checked luggage to avoid any hassles at the security checkpoints at the airport. The art project will require PS to get a picture of himself holding the bar in front of the Kremlin. Upon returning to the U.S., PS must make two copies of the picture on edible paper. He then must take the two edible copies to the WFMU studios -- one for him, and one for Tom. The Snickers bar will then be cut in half and wrapped in the edible paper so they can both consume the entire candy parcel.
PS likes it, and Tom is impressed at his ability to whip up a project that skewers commercialism even though he was just trying to concoct a difficult overseas assignment. He hopes to secure some NEA grants to continue creating his art. PS reveals that his work-related project (tall-bike jousting seminar?) is taking him to the Russian city of Nizhny Novgorod (formerly Gorky), and Tom recommends a film as preparation: Rocky IV. PS is a bit puzzled by the choice, so Tom explains that it’s an inspirational story of change with Rocky winning over the Soviet crowd in his battle with their national hero, Cpt. Ivan Drago. Tom also thinks that PS should adopt Rocky’s rigorous training regimen while he’s there. PS vows to do it.
- Jeff from Middletown, N.Y., calls (starts at 35:04) with a question about the post-show meeting at the Flamingo Diner in Jersey City. He wants to go, but it’s kinda far. As in: really far. Like 70 miles far. Jeff thinks the trip would be worth it to eat a sandwich with The Kid, but Tom lets him off the hook because he doesn’t want someone getting home at 4 a.m. Tom tells him that he will have other opportunities, and Jeff wonders if Tom would consider coming to Middletown, which is alarmingly close to the nexus of soft-servitude known as Goshen. Tom wonders if he should be taking it to right into the heart of Goshen, surprising the rich mutants at their high school as they prepare for the fall talent show. (I hear they are doing a Devo cover this time.) Tom points out that the kids have disappeared from the show as their summer of hijinks has given way to the start of a new school year. Jeff thinks they may be bragging to all their classmates by telling them tall tales about how they chopped Tom down.
Look, kids, it's Ween!: The band performs "Exactly What I Thought" on Late Night with David Lettermen
- Petey calls (starts at 37:27) to give an abridged account of what led to his truancy on what was to be the first day of his sophomore campaign. He was walking out of the woods and while attempting to lift his bike over wood pile, a “thing” (probably a nail) went through his foot. Petey rolled his bike back home and went to the ER to get four stitches. He’s now recuperating in his bed. Tom’s not sold on this being a legitimate excuse for his absence, but Petey did not want to walk around while in pain. Plus, Faffer authorized the day of rest. Petey says that he’s not prepared to have a good school year and kinda wants to dropout. Tom doesn’t support the move and wonders if Petey would opt for VoTech to learn metalworks. Petey says he will continue to attend high school and nap through his classes. Tom thinks a weeklong stint at a vocational school might be beneficial since it will teach Petey what life is really like. Tom went to a vocational school for four years, which explains why he’s a master woodsman. Petey’s grandfather was also a master woodsman.
Petey heard Lucas talk about the podcast, and he promises to go on his computer and type up some stuff to try to get it. This is rather disturbing considering that Petey is supposed to be coming up with creative ways to promote the podcast as part of his sentence. Tom wants to know if Petey bled when the nail pierced his foot (he did) because he suspects that some of his interesting stuff escaped during the bleeding. Petey argues that he was never interesting. Petey mentions that he recently saw The Flaming Lips, Ween, and Sonic Youth at the Allentown Fair. Tom gives Petey his sympathy for having to endure Ween because Tom opposite-of-likes them. Petey wants to know why Tom’s not a Ween fan, and he blames it on that whole good taste thing he’s saddled with. Petey says they are better live than on record, but he does so using the goofball voice, so he’s GOMPed. Tom thinks that Petey is soft-serve for missing school due to a foot injury. He does a hilarious rendition of Petey’s tale using the goofball voice.
- The sound of laughter fills the airwaves -- it’s HOFer Megan Murphy (starts at 42:18) enjoying Tom’s mockery of Petey. When I first heard the guffaws, I was certain it was Philly Boy Roy! Megan is listening to the show in her parked car since she has bad reception in her apartment. Tom admires the dedication. She’s also drinking a beer, and Tom warns her to be careful because on Three’s Company, Jack Tripper once got pulled over for drinking while riding a bike. In other words: anything can happen when it comes to The Fuzz. Megan assures Tom that she won’t be driving anywhere.
Megan won’t be able to attend the post-show meet-up, but “Miss Leather” will make it, which will add to the fun because it guarantees that a girl will be there. Consequently, Tom thinks he will need to bring a taser in case some of the guys get out of control when confronted with a female being. Plus, if they followed the advice of Steinberg last week and studied Brutus Ping’s Exploiting Your Sexy, they may have gained confidence by unlocking their particular sexy. "Miss Leather" may be their Lady Sov. Tom teases that a celebrity guest may also show up at the diner. Maybe someone who might chow down on some onion rings?
Megan also saw the front of the Purple Shirt postcard, and she found the image of PS getting a rubdown from a Turkish masseur to be provocative. (Tom briefly interrupts the conversation to express disappointment that ELO drummer Bev Bevan left the chat before he could ask him some questions.) Tom informs Megan that in addition to buttons, stickers, and photos, he will be passing out DVDs of the least-talented man on Earth. Megan is impressed that Tom is really looking out for his listeners by offering such a glorious treat. Tom will not allow any photographs since he’s translucent like the vampire Dracul.
Megan advises Petey to stay in school, and Tom mocks him anew. Tom wonders what he would do, and Megan suggests that he could do some subway busking. Tom likes the idea and thinks it would allow Petey to gain some insight into the gritty realities of the world and send him begging to return to the safe confines of academia. Tom predicts that after four minutes of performance at the Times Square subway station, Petey would get his guitar smashed over his head El Kabong style. Megan thinks that Petey has written some good songs, but he needs to at least receive a high school diploma.
- Jordan from two towns away from Goshen, N.Y., calls (starts at 48:03) for some advice. He realized today that he’s 17 and his hero is still Ferris Bueller. Earlier in the day, someone pointed out that his hero is a fictional character and that his actual hero should be Matthew Broderick. Jordan IMdB’d him and realized that he did some bad movies, such as Godzilla and Inspector Gadget. He wants Tom’s advice on sticking to his fictional guns or opting for the actual person who did Addicted To Love and The Cable Guy.
Tom correctly states that there’s nothing wrong with the masterful The Cable Guy, which Jordan claims is one of Jim Carrey’s weaker movies. Tom thinks he’s kinda wrong on that because it’s the only good Jim Carrey movie. Jordan says his fave Carrey vehicle is the Andy Kaufman bio-pic, Man On The Moon. Tom’s reaction: “Eww, boy. That’s bad news, Jack.” Jordan insists that it’s good news. Tom saw the film and his eyes don't lie. Tom wants to know if Jordan’s ever seen any of the original Kaufman videos, and he has a few DVDs right in front of him. Tom thinks Carrey’s performance in the film should have earned him an award for Best Leading Male Impersonation. Tom doesn’t consider it acting and believes that given enough time, he could learn to successfully impersonate anyone in a film.
Tom offers to do an impression right now per Jordan’s request. Jordan picks Eddie Murphy, but Tom nixes that one because it’s crazy talk. Tom wants someone within his wheelhouse, so Jordan goes with Rodney Dangerfield. Tom reiterates his request for a wheelhouse resident and not someone who is 50 years his senior (and dead). Jordan tries again with some kind of hybrid man named “Bill Mahrray”. He eventually deletes the Bill Maher portion and wants a Bill Murray impression. Tom’s losing patience and says, “Not in my wheelhouse. Give me someone in my wheelhouse.” Jordan thinks this is his Bill Murray impression and seems to like it. However, it was just Tom complaining about his parade of unacceptable suggestions. Jordan is GOMPed. Tom says he doesn't really care if Jordan idolizes a movie character because there are people walking around with Superman tattoos. Besides, is there really any difference between Bueller and Broderick anyway? As Kid eBay once said about Broderick: "He's FB for life!"
As for the wheelhouse, I believe that Tom will eventually play the lead in Too Close For Comfort: The Ted Knight Story. I’m working on the script. TLS to direct.
- Matt in Nebraska calls (starts at 51:30) from his cell as he wanders the streets of downtown Lincoln not listening to the show live. He sent Tom a package containing a compact disc, and Tom has it! Matt doesn’t have much else to offer since he just wanted to follow up on the accuracy of the USPS. Matt says that once he reaches his job site, he’s gonna spark up last week’s podcast just like Bryce in Newbridge sparks up something else (i.e., weed). Tom thinks that Matt’s vocal qualities would make him a great choice to play the guy from Wet Rat in The Best Show movie. He’s unfamiliar with the lazy animal collective and announces that he ain’t the dude from Wet Rat. Tom wants to set up the Smash or Trash for next week and directs Matt to tell the band members to pick out the best clean track to put up for the vote.
- TeethKeith Whitener calls (starts at 54:40) to tell Tom that he will make the trek up and to the west from Brighton Beach to attend the post-show meet-up. He’ll have to miss the next two hours of the show to make it in time, but Tom has nothing good planned anyway.
Not an orange crate in sight: Al Capone's luxurious suite at the Eastern State Pen
- Spike’s back (starts at 55:53) after an extended absence. Tom informs new listeners that Spike is a well-known regular caller who describes himself as a doo-wop dominatrix. Spike says he likes inflicting pain, and Tom suggests that he does that with his calls to the show. Spike disagrees: “My calls never inflict pain.” Tom's not so sure: “Speak for yourself, champ.” Tom tells Spike that Mike the Associate Producer is a big fan, and Spike's is not surprised because he thinks that he must have lots of fans in the listening audience. Tom appreciates the modesty. Tom mentions that he used to call the show and offer one-line declarations (e.g., “Where’s Debbie?”), but that’s in the rearview mirror -- now’s he’s a fully-fleshed-out, fully-formed human being.
Spike was absent from the show first due to illness and then he went on a trip to Philadelphia. He was originally scheduled to go to San Francisco, but changed his plans just in time. A week later, they came up with the new security screening measures at the airport after the terror flare-up. (I was not entirely clear what Spike meant by this. Was he planning on taking gel-based bombs on the flight?) He was able to take a train to Philadelphia and get there in 90 minutes. While in the city of brotherly love, Spike visited the Eastern State Penitentiary, which has been converted into a museum. The City of Philadelphia purchased the property with the intention of redeveloping it into a massive cheesesteak emporium/The Hooters practice space. However, a successful petition effort halted the plans and it was opened to the public for historic tours in 1994. Spike got to see Al Capone’s cell, which the curators fixed up to replicate the way it looked when he stayed there. Trivia: Terry Gilliam used this prison as the mental hospital in 12 Monkeys.
Tom wants to know if Spike ate at any fine restaurants, and Spike says he ate at two: Rotten Ralph’s and another one he can’t recall the name of. Tom guesses Subway, but Spike says it was a “real restaurant”. Tom guesses Quiznos, but Spike says it was a restaurant that had waiters. Tom's taken a bit aback by Spike's ritzy dining: “Excuse me, it must be nice living on the other side.” Given that information, Tom goes with Blimpie. Tom wants to make sure that Spike is talking about waiters that came to the table and delivered the food. Spike confrims that he just sat down and didn’t have it wait at the counter. Tom is still not entirely clear about how Spike is defining a "waiter". Tom wonders if he's talking about a cashier who is trying to keep the line moving by informing Spike that his hot apple pie will be delivered to him when it's ready. Spike is talking about going into the restaurant, being seated by the hostess, and then a waiter/waitress approaches the table. Tom inquires about Spike's food choices:
Tom: What did you order there?
Spike: In both cases, seafood.
Tom: So Rotten Ralph’s, you had seafood.
Spike: Yeah, basically seafood and …
Tom: Like a fish filet sandwich?
Spike: Excuse me?
Tom: Like a fish filet.
Spike: Yeah, fish, well it wasn’t a sandwich, it was fish and vegetables ...
Tom: So you took it off the bun.
Spike: No, it didn’t come with a bun. What I had didn’t come with a bun.
Tom: You told them not to bring the bun.
Spike: No, it didn’t come with a bun.
Tom: ‘Cause you told them not to.
Spike: No.
Tom: That sounds like a pretty good waiter.
Spike: No, no. It didn’t come with a bun.
Tom: I would hope not. If you told them not to bring the bun, they didn’t bring it.
Spike: No, it wasn’t a sandwich.
Tom: Rotten Ralph’s.
Spike: It was a platter.
Tom: It was a platter?
Spike: Right, but it wasn’t a sandwich.
Tom thinks it’s ironic that they brought Spike a platter and one of his favorite bands isThe Platters. Spike agrees that it’s ironic. Tom wants to know how many members of The Platters are still alive. Spike believes the woman (Zola Taylor), who once claimed to be married to Frankie Lymon, is still alive. My research indicates that Herb Reed is also still among the living. Tom wants to know about The Orioles, and Spike’s not sure. He does know that Sonny Till died years ago (1981, to be exact). I'm not sure either, although I think Gus Triandos is still around. Tom says he'd rather be locked in Spike's dungeon getting whipped than have to listen to 10 minutes of doo-wop. Spike advises Tom to not knock it before he’s tried it. Tom has indeed tried the genre via many visitis to Don K. Reed’s “Doo Wop Shop” on CBS-FM. Tom cheered when that shop went under. Spike argues that it beats listening to Metallica and Jenny from the Bedroom. Tom’s pleased to see that Spike brought some fresh targets to the program.
Spike also saw a couple of movies: The Devil Wears Prada, which he was supposed to review weeks ago, and the Indianapolis-based, car racing comedy, Little Miss Sunshine. Tom assumed he also saw Beerfest, and Spike doesn't officially deny it. Tom wants to know what Spike will use for his rating symbols, and Mike the Associate Producer suggests leather masks. Spike thinks that’s lovely, and Tom senses that Spike and Mike have a partnership of sorts. He wants to know if Spike would consider hiring Mike as an assistant in the dungeon. Spike would consider it if he likes pain. Tom points out that Mike is a fan of Spike, so he must be able to tolerate a certain amount of pain. Tom says that Mike loves doo wop and his favorite record is “Get A Job”. Spike claims the song was done by The Shilhouettes in 1958, but Tom thought it was the Del Vikings. Spike is certain that he’s right and notes that the Del Vikings did “Come Go With Me” in 1957.
Spike believes that normal, respectable people do not listen to current music like Mary June Blight, Spike’s clever nickname for Mary J. Blige. Tom does some punchup to the material by suggesting Mary Jay Bilge, but Spike is not interested in Tom’s script doctorin’: “Whatever”. Spike then sets his target on “the other genius" named Séance. Tom says that Beyonce is like the new Diana Ross, and Spike agrees with everything Tom said except that he forgot to add “without the talent”. Spike will not buy Séance’s new album, B’Day, and he refused to celebrate her birthday the past Sunday. As I'm sure you've read, the entire Knowles clan was very distraught about this:
"I was having such a great time until a friend delivered the bad news. She told me that I didn't get as much as a card from that weird dominatrix in Queens that attacks me on Scharpling's program. Total buzzkill." -- Beyonce Knowles to US Weekly
Spike also dislikes Jay-Z because he’s not into criminals. Tom wants to know what Jay-Z did, and Spike claims that “Jay-D” shoots up people. Tom’s not sure if he’s referring to violent crime or drug pushing. Spike can’t tolerate the gangsta rappers and their tunes about shooting people on street corners and having sex with four-year-olds. Tom never heard that great Jay-Z record about 4-year-olds, and Spike says it’s not specifically him, but most of them do it. Bottom line: Spike is not a member of Hip-Hop Nation. Spike is a proud member of Doo-Wop Nation. Tom’s glad to see Spike taking a stand against those guys getting arrested, while supporting upstanding moral guys like the smack-addled Frankie Lymon. Spike weakly depends his beloved genre by saying that not all doo-wop practioners used narcotics. He also goes out on a limb to take a hardline, pro-Beatles stance.
Tom wants to get back to the film criticism because he doesn’t think he and Spike will ever settle the debate about whether doo wop is the worst music in history or just the worst music of the 20th century. Spike says heavy metal is the worst music period. Tom informs spike that the Smithsonian recently organized a panel of 500 music experts, and they voted doo-wop the worst music ever. Second prize: Gregorian chants. Spike thinks the panel members are idiots and would rather listen to chants than Metallica. If Spike is referring to recent vintage Metallica, I agree with him. Spike is ready for his debut as The Best Show film critic.
The Devil Wears Prada (2006, David Frankel)
Spike's rating:
Spike thought the film was a hoot, and Stanley Tucci and Meryl Streep sent him into fits of hysterical laughter. (I hope he was better behaved than the The Best Show's other film critic.) His only criticism was that Entourage's Adrien Grenier was miscast.
Move over Abbott & Costello: Tom & Spike are the new Glimmer Twins of repartee
Little Miss Sunshine (2006, Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris)
Spike's rating: Not stated but seemed like
Spike thought it was a nice, cute movie, and he praised the performance of "the little girl" (Abigail Breslin) and Alan Arkin’s work as her grandfather. Tom hasn’t seen much of Arkin since M*A*S*H ended its run, so he was glad to see him back on the screen. Spike thinks Tom is confusing Alan Arkin with Alan Aldo from President Baseball. Spike reiterates that Alan Arkin is in the film, but Tom doesn't know who that is. Spike is surprised that Tom doesn’t know Arkin from The Russians Are Coming The Russians Are Coming. Tom adds to the confusion by asking Spike if it’s Alan Narkin, so Spike spells his last name: A-R-K-I-N. Now Tom gets it -- it’s the guy who’s in Little Miss Sunshine! Tom agrees that he’s very good. Spike points out that in addition to his acting, Arkin was once a member of The Tarriers, who did "Black Denim Trousers & Motorcycle Boots". Tom thinks this is a clothing company, but Spike says it was actually a song. Spike loses Tom with that one, so it's time to move on. Spike liked the cast across the board -- the mother, played by JeanToni Colette, Greg Kinnear, and the guy from The Office.
Spike: I always forget his name.
Tom: Ricky Gervais.
Spike: No, the American version of it.
Tom: Oh, okay, yeah, that guy is …
Spike: The 40-Year-Old Virgin, that guy.
Tom: Yeah, Stephen Colbert.
Spike: No. His name is Steve, but that’s not his last name.
Tom: Steve …
Spike: The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but you know who I mean.
Tom: Ah, Steve Richards.
Spike: No.
Tom: No?
Spike: Carol? Carell?
Tom: Carol Stevens?
Spike: No, not Cat Stevens.
Tom: I didn’t say Cat Stevens. I said Carroll Stevens.
Spike: Well, I never heard of her.
Tom: Him. Like Carroll O’Connor.
Spike: I’ve heard of Caroll O’Connor, but I never heard of Carroll …
Tom: He was not in Little Miss Sunshine, Spike. You are mistaken. Carroll O’Connor is in very poor health, and I’m sure could not have done that movie.
Spike: Carroll O’Connor’s deceased.
Tom: Wait, hold on. What?
Spike: Carroll O’Connor has been deceased for a number of years now.
Tom: Oh, good heavens. I didn’t realize. I send my condolences out to the rest of the O’Connor family.
Tom continues to express his sympathy and wants the O’Connor family, in this moment of sadness, to realize that The Best Show is there for them. He welcomes any family members to call and share their stories. As for Little Miss Sunshine, Tom’s only problem was that he didn’t think the family got beaten up enough. He thinks they could have easily had two or three more things flung at them. Tom says the brother who wanted to be a fighter pilot could have also gotten his legs chopped off. Spike laments that it wasn’t that kind of movie. Tom also thinks the family could have been robbed at gunpoint. Spikes point out that [SPOILER] somebody dies in the film. Yes, but Tom thinks it could have been a murder. Tom thought the fact that each family member got completely humiliated at one point was insufficient. If Tom made the film, he would have generated three or four humiliations for each family member. Spike doesn’t like the idea because it doesn’t fit with the film. Tom would have had the family show up at the Little Miss Sunshine pageant and get robbed at gunpoint. When they returned to watch their daughter, they would have been locked out. More tragedy!
[PLACEHOLDER FOR THE AS-YET-NOT-YOUTUBED “PRENATAL PRETTIES PAGEANT” MR. SHOW SKETCH. I OWN THE MR. SHOW DVDS SO I SUPPOSE I COULD INFRINGE ON THE COPYRIGHT AND RIP IT MYSELF TO FILL THIS VOID BUT I'VE GOT MORE RECAPPIN' TO DO. LIKE RIGHT NOW:]
Spike doesn’t think little kids should enter beauty pageants, but Tom adds “ … unless they’re qualified.” Spike says they should not be in beauty pageants period. Tom rewrites Spike’s edict: “They shouldn’t be in beauty pageants … unless that pageant is The Best Show beauty pageant.” Tom will audition children from the ages of 6 months up to 6 years of age for this contest. Spike is not interesting in being one of the judges to crown the "Little Miss Scharpling" because “children under the age of 25 should be never be seen nor heard.” Spike wants no part of an event that involves these irrelevant youngsters. Tom actually understands why Spike doesn’t want to be involved with children under the age of 25. He respects the courts of NY and NJ and admires Spike for honoring the 500-foot distance mandated by their restraining orders. Spike repeats his never seen/nor heard mantra, and Tom wonders if he’s trying to match the legendary misanthropy of W.C. Fields. Spike believes he had the right idea about people.
Tom wants Spike to see another movie and review it on the show. Spike is looking for a good movie with a lot of decapitations, and Tom gets him interested in box-office sensation Snakes on a Plane because it features fangs puncturing human flesh. Spike may settle for the decidedly non-violent An Inconvenient Truth, a film about global warnings made by Depeche Mode’s Al Gore. Spike believes that Gore should be President instead of “The Village Idiot.” Tom seriously hopes that Spike is not disparaging George W. Bush, but he is. Tom admits that he stole the 2000 election, but he tells Spike that GWB won fair and square in 2004 with the largest margin in history. Spike refuses to believe that he was legitimately elected, and would not believe the President even if his tongue was notorized. Tom doesn’t want to fathom the image of an officially-stamped tongue and doesn’t know what he’s talking about anyway.
- Steinberg interrupts (starts at 1:18) the political discussion for a meeting of the minds with Spike. He initiated the summit because he wants to do Spike a favor by filling him in on Brutus Ping’s Exploiting Your Sexy, which he discussed on last week’s show. Steinberg thinks Spike could use the book’s teachings to figure out the best way to exploit his abundant charm and style. Since Steinberg has studied Ping’s detailed mathematical process, he discovered Spike’s sexy. Spike allows Steinberg to proceed, but seems very uninterested in the details.
1. Intelligence -- Spike sees lots of good movies featuring former Presidential candidates + chick flicks
2. Emotional
3. A sense of humor and a wit that can’t be matched
4. A bad side -- a mysterious thing that women dig
Spike doesn’t want Steinberg to forget that he also watches soap operas. Steinberg says that women like that, and he watches them every day. Steinberg favors the Spanish tella novellas because he started working at the Dollar Store again. Steinberg cites his favorite show in heavily-accented, unintelligible Spanish, but it apparently features teens in sexy schoolgirl outfits -- which he knows Spike would like -- and contains wild adventures. Spike will stick with The Young and the Restless. Tom tells Spike about the The Young and the Restless 2.0 update with a younger generation cast that includes Andy Milonakis as a doctor. Milonakis is actually past Spike’s acceptable age threshold at 30, but Spike calls him an “obnoxious little brat” because he thinks he’s a teenager. Tom can’t believe he’s not a Milonakis fan; Steinberg thinks the kid is funny. Speaking of a guy who needs to start exploiting his sexy, Dan McNamara gets on the line, so Tom dismisses Spike and Steinberg to counsel his pilotmaking suitor.
- Dan McNamara is back (starts at 1:22) to try to secure a date for the New York Television Festival. The aspiring, 22-year-old showrunner has The Calderons, his robot-based mockumentary, in the comedy pilot competition. Last week he attempted to woo Tom to be his date to the gala premiere, but Tom told him to come back this week to try to get an actual young lady to go with him next Tuesday night. Dan is willing to quiz female callers to assess their worthiness. Dan's a strapping 6' 1" with blue eyes and brown hair, and Tom wants to know what famous person he looks like. Dan says he’s been told that he looks like a football player named “Tony Winner”. If Dan starts writing plays, he might be such a thing, but there is no football player with that name. I’m not sure why Dan had trouble answering this simple query since his very own Myspace page indicates that his celebrity lookalike is NASCAR goon Tony Stewart. Dan says that he’s pretty much Generic White Guy. Tom has little to work with so he informs female listeners that if they are interested in a GWG, their dream has come true.
If that didn’t sound particularly appetizing, Dan really hurts his chances by saying that his dream is to own a cabin in the woods, grow a long beard, and hopefully never move a muscle again. Tom runs with that notion and addresses the listeners again on Dan's behalf: “Do you hear that ladies? This is your chance to get some Unabomber action.” Tom thinks it’s reasonable to expect a that a lot of ladies out there wanted to date the Unabomber when he was still the handsome man known as Ted Kaczynski. The general consensus from Mike the Associate Producer and Tom is that Dan has just scared every woman away. Dan scrambles to come up with a new dream that involves owning a mansion in Jersey City and hopefully smoking a cigar with the mayor. Tom thinks the bearded man in the woods might actually be preferable. Dan says he’s heard that the mayor of JC starts fights. Tom doesn’t know anything about him.
As Tom tried to load his Myspace page, Dan mentions that he got an e-mail from the brain trust behind The Long Walk To New York. The cryptic message simply informed Dan that they were indeed going on a long walk with a final destination of New York City. Dan thought there would be a deeper purpose to this journey and thinks it’s a terrible idea. Tom says that he will drive past the walkers in a pick-up truck enabled with an egg canon. He will enlist the services of a buddy, and they will take turns shooting eggs at them. Dan thinks it might knock some sense into them. Tom has never seen the phones this quiet -- ladies are actively rejecting the idea of going on a date with Dan. The damage may be done, but Dan hopes that his Myspace page will spark some interest.
- Pat calls (starts at 1:29) to defend TLWTNY. He’s not sure who e-mailed Dan, but the walk is set for September 30th and the preparation is going great so far. Dan chimes in and says the idea sound dumb, and Pat fires back by asking who Dan is and speculating that the e-mail he received was a joke. The two then have a brief bad-connection-off. Tom directs Dan to seek a better connection and stop pacing the room nervously. Pat says that the cast will depart Verona, N.J., at 6 a.m. and walk over the GW Bridge into Manhattan. The entire trek will be documented, including the collection of crazy characters. Dan’s not sold, and someone on the chat declares the conversation a “War of Bore”. Tom wants to know if the walk will be lower energy than the call. If yes, Tom thinks that they will need to block off 10 days to account for roadside napping.
Dan wants Pat to convince him to go on the walk in one sentence. Pat says it’s Super Size Me meets Homeward Bound. It's unclear whether the crazy charactes will include talking animals. In the chat, Chris L predicts that there will not actually be any crazy characters. Pat responds by reminding listeners about Sweet Tooth and his knuckle tattoos. Crazy! A second crazy character is a ukulele player named Bender. Tom can’t imagine anyone not wanting to sign up for the walk with those two on board. Tom wonders how far Verona is from Rahway State Prison because he thinks that they should walk there and surrender on general principles: “We are guilty of something, just charge us, lock us up.” Tom predicts that Sweet Tooth would be welcomed back by the prison guards. Dan doesn’t think that they should go to prison. Tom hangs up on Dan and Pat and names this call “The Long Nap” Tom thinks the documentary could be fun, but was not impressed with Pat’s salesmanship.
- Mike calls (starts at 1:35) with a logistical warning to TLWTNY crew. He doesn’t think there’s any safe route for a mob of people to walk from Verona to NYC since they will they will have to traverse the six-lane Route 3, which doesn’t even offer a shoulder. Tom hopes the filmmakers will consider these issues. Mike also warns them that they might walk through a sketchy part of Paterson and end up as dead as Carroll O'Connor.
- Farmer Eli from Central Jersey calls (starts at 1:36) to say that TLWTN is one of the worst ideas he’s heard in a long time. It made him realize that video cameras are way too accessible. Back when they were cost prohibitive, these kinds of projects would never actually get made. Eli and his friend were trying to figure out a way to drive from NJ to Manhattan without paying any tolls, but they never considered filming it. Tom says that if he puts Sweet Tooth in the back seat, he’s got a movie. Tom fears that he’ll be walking down the street and hear a guy say, “Hey, you!”. He'll look down at his hands and see the letter “G” on a knuckle. Eli speculates that the guy has “Sweet” and “Tooth” tattooed on his toes.
- Tom Riley from New Zealand calls (starts at 1:38) from the future. On this Wednesday afternoon, Riley is trying to be more cheerful than his call a couple of weeks ago when his discussed the economic recession and the faded glory of the Flying Nun label. Riley is nervous and worried because he has to talk to a producer to extract some money from him to make some commercials. He finds it hard to ask for money and working out the percentage cuts of the parties involved. He assumes that Tom’s dealt with that, and he’s right: “Don’t I know it, brother.” He wants to know if Tom has any tricks of the trade for negotiating rates. Tom does, but he cannot reveal them. Riley will have to learn for himself, and he might just go into the meeting and start using profanity. Tom thinks it’s a great strategy because people always respond to someone with a foul mouth.
- A high/deranged/etc. guy calls the wrong line (starts at 1:59) to tell Tom that he did pretty good with his last set. Tom will thank Ronald (Thomas Clontle?), who picks all of the music for the show. The caller wants to hear some Stereolab, Front 242, or Skinny Puppy. Tom asks for a specific Skinny Puppy track, but the caller doesn’t remember the “album numbers” -- all he knows is that he wants to jam some Skinny Puppy and scare the pants out of some of the listeners. Tom cues up an .mp3, and the caller is amazed that Tom did it so quickly. Tom wants him to do an intro, and he obliges: “You’re tuned to 91.1 and here’s some Skinny Puppy, YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Uh oh. Someone switched the CDs again, and Neil Diamond’s “Porcupine Pie” plays instead of Skinny Puppy. Tom will whip the perp with a strap per The Ghostface Killer's recommendation. While Tom's not pleased about the switcheroo, he seems to have a good time singing along to the song.
- Matt from The Wheezing Stumblers calls (starts at 2:03) fresh from rock 'n roll band practice. He says the band sounds like the offspring of early Ramones and Nirvana mixed with some “street punk” a la The Casualties. Matt admits that there is no point to his call beyond the self-promotion of pointing listeners to their Myspace page. Tom GOMPs him because there’s only one Wheezy in his book: Isabel Sanford.
- Fred's brother mumbles something and is GOMPed. This kind of sounded like the Skinny Puppy guy coming back for more.
- Mary calls (starts at 2:05) about the date with Dan McNamara. She checked out his Myspace pics and thinks he’s a very good-looking man. But. Strike #1: She’s 17. Tom doesn’t think that can happen because Dan’s 22, which means he might as well be 42. Strike #2: Mary is Dan’s brother. She’s only calling because she felt bad that the phones were silent for him. Tom wants Mary to sell her brother to the ladies who are listening. She says that they should go on a date with Dan because they’ll never know what will end up happening. Tom thinks that is the worse endorsement he’s ever heard. Mary says that it could be the most amazing experience of their life. Tom adds that it could also mark the end of their life. Mary says that Dan hasn't murdered anyone ... yet. I think Dan’s next pilot should be a docudrama called The McNamaras.
Dan checks in (starts at 2:07) and is not pleased that his sister called. Tom says that there is no shame in attending his premiere solo just like there's no shame in calling a radio station soliciting a date. And there’s certainly no shame in the fact that no women who were not related to him called to express interest in said date. Dan apologizes because he feels bad that he wasted so much show time on his ineptitude with the opposite sex. Tom makes him feel better by hanging up on his sister, but quickly sends Dan to join her in the land of the hung-up-on. Tom makes one last plea for the ladies and declares Dan a handsome fella.
- Tom returns (starts at 2:09) to the topic he touched on with his young friend Petey: the first day of school. Tom's comforted by knowing that the kids have to return to school, while he is beyond that feeling that haunted our youths, the slight queasiness as you went to sleep with the knowledge that when you rose the next morning, you would be starting a new school year. The summer was ova. Tom observes the neighborhood kids who just days ago were still being loud and driving him nuts, and he knows that they viewed today as the worst day ever. Tom points out that this is a rare occasion where an adult has an advantage over a kid. Today is their nightmare. Being an adult is like one long, waking nightmare. It never ends. There is no respite from it. But, for Tom, watching the kids shuffle off to school makes him feel a little bit better about his current standing in life. Tom nails the essence of these feelings -- it wasn’t so much that you truly hated school, but what really made you depressed was the idea that something was coming to an end. A depressive haze coated Labor Day Weekend as you realized that you had to go back to that place with its structure and assignments and you had to be there all day: "Here goes nine months, let's get it started."
- August makes his much-anticipated return (starts at 2:11) to the show to follow up on Tom’s riff. August says that he and his friends actually do want to go back to school. August has a theory that informs this outlook: for every day he goes school, he’s a day closer to college, and every day he's closer to college is a day closer to getting out of school. Tom adds that every day after that is a day closer to being retired, and every day after that is a day closer to being in a nursing home. August hasn’t gotten that far yet.
Tom has missed August and wants him to be a regular caller to the show because he’s a smart young man. Tom wants to know if he upset August’s brother when he hung up on him back in June. August says yes and no. He was upset for a couple of days, but then become neutral on the matter because on one hand, he got hung up on, but on the other hand, he still got the glory of being on the air for the first time. Despite the hooliganistic nature of that call, Tom salutes his brother and wants August to tell him that he said hello. August will do so in the morning because he’s asleep. August doesn’t really get along that well with his brother because they don’t have much in common. Tom points out that his brother likes rock ‘n roll music, while August likes “The Hampster Dance”. August reminds Tom that his friends like “The Hampster Dance”, and Tom remembers that August avoid all music. August says he’s warming up to certain songs, and Tom guesses either “Macarena” or “The Chicken Dance”. August does not like those songs, but notes that his brother found a Chicken Dance video on YouTube. August thought the clip was very weird. August says he's getting into "just sort of like rock music", and Tom tries to get him to be a bit more specific. August says he is just warming to the general picture of the genre and does not cite any bands or songs. My sources reveal a trio of albums that sparked August’s interest: Big Star’s #1 Record, Danzig II: Lucifage, and the Now That’s What I Call Music #22 collection, especially Nickelback’s “Savin’ Me”.
As an eighth-grader, August is the king of his school this year. He’s looking forward to high school because he will finally have the flexibility to select some of his classes. Tom dreaded high school because when he was in 8th grade, he attended a high school basketball game where Troy Dershman and his gang warned him that he would be picked on the following school year. As a result, he dreaded that September for the next nine months. In the end, it helped Tom to become the expert bully that he is now, using his radio show to lash out at those who are not the people who picked on him. He’s been able to perfect the art of redirecting his anger to be people who have done nothing to harm him. Tom was singled because he was too cool for school, and, in fact, earned the nickname "Too Cool". Tom got his revenge by studying hard, and now they all work for him. One of the former bullies does Tom’s landscaping. Once in a while, Tom shoots a laser pointer at him from an alcove at the top of his house. Tom admits that his behavior is kind of disturbing; August agrees, but does see some value in it. Tom says that it suggests that he still has some issues, but August notes that everyone has issues. Tom appreciates August’s wisdom beyond his years.
August is most looking forward to seeing his friends, learning a few things, and getting away from his brother. His brother is about to enter the fourth grade. Tom informs August that while he and his brother will never share a school, they will share an apartment when they’re in their 20s. August says he would never move in with his brother. Tom offers him a clear $1 million to be handcuffed to his brother for two months. August declines. Tom says its money he stole from a drug dealer, not unlike the work of Robin Hood. August is not impressed with the class-conscious crusader: “Yes, but Robin Hood was still a thief.” Tom wonders if August is Jerry Orbach, but August doesn’t know who that is. Tom doesn’t know who that is either -- his joke writer, Ronald, told him to make the reference. Tom scolds Ronald for the ill-advised suggestion. In addition to his moral qualms, August says that being in handcuffs is very uncomfortable. Tom says that he will use comfortable handcuffs made out of pretzels. August says that if they are made out of pretzels, he could probably chew his way out of them. Tom considered this escape plan, so he used poisonous pretzels to prevent consumption.
August says that over the course of two months, the pretzels would eventually disintegrate due to exposure to water. Tom says that these poisonous pretzels would resist water because were formed by scientists with not much to do. August is still not interested. Tom factors in a daily, 15-minute break, but he doesn’t budge. Tom doubles the offer to $2 million, suggesting that August could donate half of his loot to charity and retain the other half for himself. Tom asks August to think about the lives he could change just for a lousy two months. August says that he would at least think about it, and Tom issues his final offer: $2.5 million. August says that he would probably agree to do it at that price, but thinks he would likely regret it later. Tom asks him to think about all the good he could do with that sweet money since he seems like a forward-thinking, progressive young man. Since August struggled with the fact that it was drug money, Tom tells him that it will not be connected to the drug trade. It’s a go, and Tom wants to schedule it. Tom wants to start in a couple of weeks, which means that the handcuffs will come off on Thanksgiving. August prefers to do it over the summer, but Tom says the time is now because Fox will get their money back at the end of the year. It will also be filmed for a reality series. The talented Mike Darnell (Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire? and The Glutton Bowl) is backing the project.
Tom says that August would have to retake fourth grade with his brother for the two-month period. He’ll also have to wear a giant hamster costume because the show is being sponsored by “The Hampster Dance”. On September 15th, August and his brother will come down to WFMU to be handcuffed. There will be one air hole in the hamster costume in the knee area. August wonders what good that will do him other than allowing air to flow onto his knee. Tom grants him a second air hole near the mouth, but the costume will also be equipped with a “Hamster Cam” to film him. August says that it’s not turning out the way he thought it would, but Tom tells him that it’s not Show Friendship -- it’s Show Business.
- Steve from almost-Brooklyn calls (starts at 2:26) in mid-move, driving somewhere in Pennsylvania in his car filled to the brim with his belongings. He was listening to the podcast of last week’s show and when he got to the Smash or Trash segment with Hayday’s “Hope You Had Fun”, he had the urge to call and vote. However, he then realized that the show happened a week ago. He called anyway to see what was going on. Tom says that he needs to drive safely and gives him a polite GOMP. Tom thinks it's irresponsible to call a talk show while you're in transit with all of your possessions.
- Tom discusses (starts at 2:28) the new issue of Autograph Collector with cover boy Al Pacino dishing on fame, filmmaking, and autographs. Tom bets that he was thrilled to talk about all three of those subjects. It's a niche publication that caters to the many, many needs of autograph collectors. I canceled my subscription last year after a dispute with the editor over a freelance piece I did about getting the entire cast of Family Ties (including all guest stars, such as Tom Hanks, Timothy Busfield, Philip Baker Hall, Dan Hedaya, Geena Davis, Daphne Zuniga, and David Paymer) to sign a Cleveland Indians pennant. He refused to publish it on the grounds that it was "riddled with factual errors". I was surprised they even had a fact-checking department. And there was the issue of the restraining order that Meredith Baxter-Birney put out on me. The primary narrative arc of the story involved tracking down Brian Bonsall with the help of P.I. Anthony Pellicano. That guy brings it. Despite this falling out with the magazine, I still consult their landmark article, "Nightmare On Autograph Street: The Dry Sharpie", before every autograph mission.
Tom reads some samples of the content in the publication. In the letters column, he finds a juicy pull-quote: “Anyone -- male or female -- that thinks a photo of Rosario Dawson in an evening gown is tasteless needs to join a monastery.” He then reads a letter from "Herbie":
Dear Editor,
This is in response to Bob Combs’ e-mail about Lisa Kudrow not signing through the mail. I sent her a 5” x 7” photo, and not only did she sign it for me, but personalized it to me also. So in my book, she’s a-ok.
Here's another letter:
In your story in the June issue of Autograph Collector about Patty Hearst, you said how she refused to sign copies of Newsweek and Time. I had an experience with Ms. Hearst when my wife and I attended a book signing in Westport, CT., back on September 7th, 1996. She did a reading first, and then the signing. We sat down near the front to listen to the reading, not realizing that we sat next to hear husband. After the reading, we got in line to have her book signed, and I asked her if she would sign her Playboy interview. She told me that she would not sign that magazine because the people at Playboy were mean to her. She signed her book, then reached over and grabbed the Playboy out of my hands and said she better sign this quickly before she remembered why she was mad at them. So congratulations on getting your Newsweek signed. I got the interview from the March ’82 issue of Playboy signed on the interview page, inscribed: “To Wayne, Enjoy.” What did you do to make her mad?
There was a response from the editor, but Tom cannot make any sense of it. He also thinks the fact that the writer could recall the exact date of his Hearst encounter goes a long way to dispel the idea that autograph collecting is a creepy hobby. Tom mentions a section called “Passings” and guesses that the subtitle for the autograph collectors would be “Increased Value”. They can scan through to find out Italian motorcyclist Umberto Masetti died, and then rejoice that their autograph has doubled in value. Tom does his own scan and discovers that billiards champion Steve “The Miz” Mizerak has also passed on.
- Dave from Knoxville calls (starts at 2:33) to make initial contact since he's a new fan of the show. He begs Tom to keep the podcast, and Tom will keep it going for a few more weeks before re-evaluating its status. As a child in Nashville, Dave attended the annual Music City Pro Celebrity golf tournament. When he was about nine or 10, he was itching to get Don Ho's autograph. Dave was on the edge of the green as Ho lined up his putt. Ho missed and then tapped in. Dave ran up to get the signature, and Ho pushed him to the ground because he was so angry about his misfire. The crowd started razzing Ho for his child abuse, and Perry Como, who was also in the foursome, picked Dave up and gave him an autograph. Tom can relate to this story because he can't imagine a child of that age not wanting an autograph from Ho or Como. Dave mentions that Como was wearing a beautiful sweater vest.
Tom assumes that this incident forever soured him on Ho’s music, but Dave said that when he got to college and started rebelling against his former life, he embraced Don Ho. He didn’t really know Perry Como at the time of the autograph, but when he first heard his music, he turned on him because he could not make it through two minutes without falling asleep. Tom thinks this is a strong validation of the autograph collecting field -- a kid running onto the green, getting shoved to the ground, and then receiving an autograph from someone he was unfamiliar with. Dave excuses the behavior because he was a young kid, but he admits that he wanted the autograph. Tom wants to know why. The best Dave can come up with is the folly of youth. Dave has autographs from Bobby Goldsboro, Alice Cooper, and Lawrence Welk, who he barely knew at the time. This prompts Tom to ask him what circles he rolled in. Dave explains that the cast of characters were all attending the same golf event. Other celebrity attendees included Jerry Reed, Chet Atkins, Roy Acuff, and Minnie Pearl. Tom would want Jerry Reed’s autograph because he played Cledus Snow in the Smokey and the Bandit films.
Tom gets excited when he heard that Dave also got golfer Mason Rudolph’s autograph. Tom finds it odd that he’s still living in Knoxville with such a prized item and thinks he should trade it for an apartment in New York. This was the pinnacle of Dave's life, and it's been downhill ever since.
- Tim V calls (starts at 2:37) to say he has something better than autographs -- sketches from comic book artists. Tom guesses Dave Berg (no), but hits with Sergio Aragones. Tom wants a sketch from Dave Berg, who did the “Lighter Side” strip for MAD TV magazine, featuring his alter ego, Roger Kaputnik. Tom is a Kaputnik supporter and sympathized with his antagonistic relationship with his doctor, who always gave him lip. Tom believes that the doctor should have had his license revoked. Tim V informs Tom that Berg passed away a couple of years ago. As he did with the Carrol O’Connor family, Tom sends his condolences to the family.
Tim V got these sketches at a comic convention and also owns one from Marvel and DC artist Seth Fisher, who died earlier this year. Fisher is known for his work on Green Lantern: Willworld, Flash, and the Fantastic Four/Iron Man: Big in Japan mini-series. Tim was a fan of his style, which combined Japanese, American, and European influences. Tom offers him $3 cash money for the sketch. Tim V is tempted, and Tom increases the offer to $3.50. No sale. $3.75? Nope.
- Tom reads (starts at 2:41) from a section of Autograph Collector called “The In-Person Scoop”, where people tell their autograph stories. Here's a sample with Tom's editorial comments:
Tim Robbins was filming the movie Bob Roberts in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in 1992 ["They couldn’t get any more recent story than this?"]. He took a break after shooting downtown, as he walked across the parking lot, I stopped him and asked for an autograph. He signed a photo from Erik The Viking from a past issue of Starlog. ["Geez. Guys are walking around with issues of Starlog waiting for Tim Robbins to take a break?"] He was the coolest person I ever met, and he was nice enough to pose for a photo with me. I also met Giancarlo Esposito, who was also in Bob Roberts. Later, I went to see the movie Bob Roberts ["I would hope you saw it!"], and when the scene with Giancarlo screaming in the street came up, I thought, “Hey, I saw them film that scene.”
Tom senses the excitement leaping from the page and dismisses the notion that the magazine industry is in trouble.
- Jeff from Middletown is back (starts at 2:42) with a story about Gwar. Jeff finds the band amusing, but he had a good friend who was more into them, so they attended a show. Tom likes the Gwar albums, but he’s not a fan of the live performances. He prefers the tunesmithing they capture on record. Before the show, the band had a record signing, and the only thing Jeff had on him was an Arby’s bag. He approached the band, who were in full costume, and their lead singer, Oderus, says, “Oh, it’s like Gwarby’s!” Jeff thought the quip was really funny. Tom tells Jeff that he might like Ween if he’s amused by an Arby’s pun. Tom thinks that this makes the Tim Robbins story seem not too shabby.
- A caller (starts at 2:45) got Hippy Johnny nemesis Jim Henson’s autograph. His dad used to be a DJ, and he interviewed Henson for his radio station. Henson gave him some Kermit. Tom does an impression of a high-pitched “DJ voice", but the caller’s dad was more of a scratchy, deep voice guy who didn’t use a crazy on-air name. He’s retired, but Tom wants him back on the air to teach him a thing or two. Tom wants his father to call next week with some radio advice for The Kid.
- Christopher in R.I. calls (starts at 2:46) to discuss his run-in with The Cos. He was a big Cosby fan as a kid, starting with the Bill Cosby: Himself HBO special that was shown so frequently that Tom thought it was the only programming the channel had in its archives. He then discovered the LPs and The Cos usurped Steve Martin as his favorite comic. For his 10th birthday, his mom got tickets to see Cosby at the Warwick Musical Theater (aka “The Tent”), a venue that generally hosted the likes of Stills & Nash and Tom Jones. The opening act was a guy who played solo guitar while dressed as Jim E. Hendrix. Since he lacked intrigue, his mom suggested that they try to get Cosby’s autograph. They went to the back area where they could see his trailer through a fence that was set up.
A girl who was a few years older was holding a pudding pop, and Christopher had his pen and the envelope the tickets came in. After 10-15 minutes, Cosby emerged from the trailer wearing an engineers cap and smoking a cigar. He walked right by them. Christopher yelled, “Oh, Mr. Cosby! Mr. Cosby!” He turned around, comes over, and Christopher holds up his pen and asks for an autograph. Cosby takes the cigar out of his mouth and says: “No. You gotta wait.” He turns around, walks over to a doorway, and watches the guy jam on guitar for 10-15 minutes of 10-year-old time (i.e., five minutes). He comes back over, signs the autographs, and returns to his trailer with Christopher's pen. He stole it. Christopher was steamed about the heist, but more so about him being a jerk to a 10-year-old. Tom says thumbs down and orders Cosby to issue an apology.
- Offier Tom calls (starts at 2:50) with some tales from the movie detail where he can raid the Kraft services spread. While working movie sets, he's collected many photos with celebrities such as Diane Keaton, but his best story involves Richard Belzer. OT pulled over a car with a CA plate, which was expired and belonged to a woman in Beverly Hills. He goes to talk to the lady and get the requisite paperwork, and she asks him if he knows the passenger. It’s The Belz. They bonded because Belzer has portrayed Det. John Munch on television for what seems like the past 45 years and OT is an actual cop. Belzer’s wife was the driver and they were on route to NYC. OT cut them a break, gave them his business card, and a few weeks later he received a signed promo photo personalized to him. OT thinks it may be a B-list autograph, but Tom says it’s respectable due to Belzer’s longtime presence in comedy.
Tom wants to know what would happen if he pulled over Ice-T. OT likes him and would try to recruit him for The Best Show. Tom asks him about someone wearing a shirt that said “I Hate Cops”. In that scenario, OT would ask the person where they got the shirt so he could acquire one. OT is just back from invading and conquering Engaland, so he will call earlier next week to provide the details.
- James from Jersey City calls (starts at 2:53) to talk about his encounter with David Crosby. In his youth, he had a Woodstock poster that he was trying to get signed by everyone who was there. This caused him to wait for Crosby, Stills, & Nash to emerge from the Beacon Theater. He doesn’t like the band, but he’s a completist when it comes to autographs. Their bus arrived and the band members trickled out. Stills ignored everybody, Nash went inside to take a nap, and Crosby, who had just undergone a liver transplant, sluggishly waddled out. They waited for an hour, and Crosby came back out at the soundcheck. He looked at a trio of autograph seekers, grabbed a pen, and sighed. As he was signing, he informed them that if he found out that they sold the items, he hoped a certain part of their bodies fell off.
James still has the poster, but sort of retired from the quest because he’s at the age when seeking autographs is no longer cool. He has Richie Havens (his first), but lacks any members of Sha Na Na and Sweetwater. Tom tells him that there were hundreds of thousands of people at Woodstock, so he’d have to go on the back to have enough room for everyone. Tom asks if he can sign it if he goes up to Woodstock now, but James said he would have had to attended the actual festival in 1969. Tom is trying to complete his 1994 Woodstock poster but is having trouble getting a signature from the notoriously tough Ed Kowalczyk from Live.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Philly Boy Roy celebrates the return of a historic monument, Officer Tom talks about the brawl he started during a House of Commons session, and Dan McNamara begs Tom to go with him to the NYTF.
We are living in trying and uncertain times. That’s why now, more than ever, we need a strong leader who will stand up for what we believe. Better yet, we need a leader who will dance for what we believe. Tucker Carlson is just such a dancer. Watch Tucker do the cha-cha and then call in your vote to make sure he advances to the next week’s show. You can call as often as you like. Remember: Voting in celebrity dance contests is not just your right in this country, it’s a privilege. … If you sit back idly and fail to perform your civic duty, lesser dancers could win this competition. America simply cannot afford that.
I should have explained two things yesterday:
1. That was the first in a series of trip-hop posts
2. I always try to only post songs that I don't think my fellow Recidivists already have in their collections
Prince Paul likes vocal samples that go "ah one, two; ah one, two" and so do the Al recommended Sneaker Pimps.
My definition of trip-hop has always been hip-hop beats with a singer instead of a rapper. I guess one could consider the Gorillaz or Gnarls Barkley to be trip-hop by that definition. For me, the last good trip-hop album was the first Goldfrapp record, before she got all glammed-up and started rocking the poodle head.
"Summer's almost gone ..." -- Jim Morrison, in one of his many terrible songs
"What is this place?" -- Steve in Michigan, discovering an oasis in the night en route to NYC
"Mmmmmm ... warm lettuce. Tasty." -- Tom, reflecting on one of the delights of a toasted sub
"Hey, can I have a quarduh?" -- Sheldon, bullying kids at the Bowcraft arcade
"They don't do that in Roxboro, no way and no day." -- Philly Boy Roy on his hometown Wawa's refusal to offer toasted subs
"I'm proud of my city, ain't youse proud of your cities?" -- PBR, explaining why he limits himself to Philly-centric cinema
"Roy, I ain't gonna live to 30. I'm gonna go out in a blaze of glory." -- Roy, Jr., living life to its fullest
"He musta got wind of my wind." -- Philly Boy Roy on how Officer Harrups tracked him down
"I've done all of my research / I read a big, long guide." -- MC Steinberg, flying towards ecstasy courtesy of author Brutus Ping
"My zip code skills are deteriorating." -- Tom, after a rare misfire on South Orange
"I would slap the Hendrix right off of him." -- Dave in Philly, taking it to Lenny Kravitz
"We get it. You like the leaf." -- Tom, growing weary of Canada's ubiquitous foliage
"Your DNA told you to stay away from Two and a Half Men." -- Tom on the innate instincts to avoid the popular CBS sitcom
"Is this Tim V, by any chance?" -- Tom, finally determining the identity of his old buddy
"You're asking me out?" -- Tom, confirming that Dan wants him to be his date for the New York Television Festival
"Hey, you look like that guy who always plays a bridge troll in every movie." -- Tom, explaining that casting Paul Giamatti in his role is not very endearing
"Thank God they did crack, instead of dropping the Hot August Nights CDs." -- Tom, thankful that the U.S. Government went easy on the inner-city ghettos
"You might get the cat, you might get the king cobra." - Greg from Hayday on a truly special edition of Pet Sounds
"I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ... I hope ..." -- Extended outro from Hayday's new smash hit, "Hope You Had Fun"
"Define 'wear'." -- Tom, trying to find a nice way to respond to a question about a Danny Manning jersey
(List your Bangles 1 to 4 in the comments. I'm talking about the gals in the band, so you don't have to stress over where you were going to put Everything.)
( Click here to buy Children Of Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The Second Psychedelic Era 1976-1995)
I just got back from the meat house, so it's time for some annotated highlights:
Putting people and things on notice is hard work. The Youse Are On Notice series took the Labor Day Weekend off and will resume on 9/12/06.
Phone Line Update: Tom mentions that unauthorized dissemination of the exclusive The Best Show phone number violates his WFMU contract and his business agreement with Verizon. Those caught will be prosecuted by Tom's formidable legal team. You've been warned yet again, Evil Bill Z.
Farm Fresh brake pads: Really cool and so worth those extra coupla pennies!
- An audio guru calls (starts at 28:12) with some Tommy Boy drop-ins cued up on the computer. Tom plays along with the exchange:
"Hey, what's your name?" Tom.
"Tommy, am I right?" Yes, Tommy, yes, you are right.
"Wait a second, is this your first time?" First time, doing what?
At this point, Tom can barely contain his hilarity. The caller, by way of Chris Farley, exclaims "Oh. My. God!" before giving up with a "Forget it, I quit." Tom's verdict: clever stuff. However, he's only interested in a Zod soundboard, which would allow him to order people to rise before Zod, and then kneel before Zod prior to beginning their calls to the show.
- Steve calls (starts at 30:00) with a story and a question that arises from said story. He's not sure if it's interesting, but promises to try to tell it the best way he can. He reveals that it involves Philly Boy Roy, which certainly helps his cause. In fact, the question is more for PBR, and he was hoping that Tom could relay it to him. Tom can't account for PBR, but says that he's probably listening.
Steve lives in Michigan and is moving to NYC in about a week. He used to live in Manhattan about seven years ago following college, so he makes frequent visits to the area. Tom wants to know if he's moving to Staten Island or Staten Island, but Steve is actually moving to land of white belts and rogue tall bikers: Brooklyn. He makes the 12-hour drive in a day, only stopping for gas, food, and a splash of cold water. About a year ago, he discovered his new favorite place to stop and refuel. He was low on gas somewhere in upper PA, and a glowing oasis arose out of the darkness of night -- it was Wawa. He didn't know what it was at the time, but now he loves it. Not only does it have the cheapest gas on that stretch, but it also offers nem sandwiches. This particular outlet is about two hours out of NYC, so it provides Steve with a second wind for the final part of his trek.
Last week, he stopped at the Wawa per usual, filled up the car, and then grabbed some Tastykakes and a sodey to fill himself up. He also ordered a hoagie, and the first option they offered was toasting. This took Steve by surprise since PBR recently laid down the law and made it quite clear that this was not done at Wawa. Back in July, PBR allegedly torched a Quiznos on Roosevelt Avenue for their penchant for toasting subs, among other things. In addition to being horrified by their roll-toasting ways, which he declared to be "sick" and ruinous, PBR also objected to a decor devoid of any Philly-centric tchotkes. PBR had no memory of committing the arson, but reports indicated that two men -- one short and one tall -- were seen fleeing the scene. PBR suggested that he did the deed while under a trance induced by Roy, Jr.'s piercing "psychic eyes". Tom believed that PBR was using Roy, Jr. as an excuse to cover the fact that he was enraged and intentionally burnt down the offending shop.
Steve declined the toasting option and wants to know if there is a standard procedure for complaining to the corporate headquarters. He's not sure if there has been an official change in policy or if he's stumbled into a renegade Wawa that decided to join in on the sub-toasting craze that is practiced by many of its competitors. Tom says that if PBR calls, he will bounce it off him. Steve was familiar with Quiznos in Michigan and did not realize that toasting was considered verboten by some sub enthusiasts until hearing PBR's rant. He admits to occasionally opting for a toasted sub, but generally prefers them in their pure, cold state. Tom asks him if the lure of hot lettuce is what hooks him into the toasting. He explains that his goal is to melt the cheese or warm up the bacon. Tom welcomes him to New York and looks forward to his arrival.
- The funny soundman is back (starts at 36:01) to say hello as Kiefer Sutherland's demented sniper from the feature film Phone Booth. Using KS as his messenger, he informs Tom that it's not in his best interest to disconnect the call, and follows that up with some cackling. He also wants to know if Tom is feeling nervous. Tom thinks it's in the caller's best interest to be a little faster on the soundboard to create a more seamless dialogue. He wants to know if Tom is still with him, and Tom's barely hanging on. He makes it clear that he's the one who gives the orders and issues one to Tom: "Go on, hang up!" Tom quickly obeys.
- Sheldon from Basking Ridge calls (starts at 39:42) in a state of depression after surviving a head-on collision this past Sunday on Route 78. While traveling on the rain-slicked roads in a downpour, he completely lost control and smashed into a wall. He escaped without injuries, but his car was totaled. He thinks he may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result of the harrowing incident. Sheldon thought he was two seconds away from dying and illuminates the experience of sliding towards potential doom. In the moments before he hit the wall, a comforting image appeared: an attractive woman driving a car with a WFMU bumper sticker. Sheldon took solace in this because he felt that he could happily pass on with his last Earthly vision being a WFMU sticker. Tom thinks he really needs some perspective on his life.
He wants to know if Tom has any therapy to offer for the next couple of days. Sheldon, 18, lives in a small town and does not have a car, so he's becoming quite bored being stuck in the house during the recent rainy weather. Tom has an idea, which prompts him to recite one of his top five movie lines of all-time: "Then he can borrow my slicker!" from What About Bob?. Sheldon is very amused and impressed with Tom's skillful execution of the Richard Dreyfuss delivery. Tom tells Sheldon to put on his gear -- galoshes, rain hat, and slicker -- and walk over to Bowcraft to play some video games and ride the new rolleycoasty. Sheldon does not live within walking distance of the amusement park and is not interested in trundling along route 22 to get to Scotch Plains, which is four or five towns away. Plus, Sheldon no longer has a ride to his job, so he doesn't have the cash to gain admittance into Bowcraft. He wonders if he should try to steal money from his mother, but Tom says he can hang out in arcade area and bully little kids. Sheldon thinks that could work because he owns a pair of brass knuckles. Tom says that he shouldn't actually threaten them with violence, but just ask them questions, such as "Hey, can I have a quarduh?"
Tom remembers getting harassed for money at arcades by the bullies of his youth. Sheldon can relate to that because he's a lanky Jew with a pituitary affliction. In other words: primo bullying fare. He gets excited as he recounts tales of bullies asking for his Pokemon cards and threatening to punch him, and Tom is forced to cut him off. After a strong call that included the drama of a near-death experience, Sheldon ruins it by engaging in toilet talk. Perhaps he gets a pass since he may be in the throes of PTSD. Or maybe he has Tourette's.
- DJ Terre T checks in (starts at 43:54) and promises to keep it clean while inquiring about the details of Sheldon's crash. She often travels on 78, and Tom suspects that she may be the attractive lady that appeared to him. Terre wants to know what kind of car the WFMU sticker was affixed to and get a description of its driver. Tom says that Sheldon will have to give any additional details to Mike off the air due to his uncontrollable toilet mouth. Tom tells Terre T that it happened on Sunday, and she's fairly sure that she was not traveling on 78 that day. She will do some further thinking to ascertain her whereabouts. While it's not entirely clear what Terre T was up to this past Sunday, Tom knows what she will be doing this coming Saturday: the Cherry Blossom Clinic, her weekly WFMU radio show. Tom says it's the best show on the station. Terre says Tom is the best. One thing is clear: both are 2-3 billion times better than Doctor Stupid's Goofballorama. In fact, I proved it with mathematics: Silly Voices + Deicide = S hitty programming.
On Saturday, Terre T had The New Lou Reeds, a band that has a dude (Edward Sotelo) from Cobra Verde and offers cranking, 70s southern rock heaviness. Terry gives her Myspace page address and apologizes for using Tom's show for self-promotion. Tom says he will let it slide, and Terre T gives the URL one more time, directing listeners to disregard it. She mentions that she will have The Avengers live in the studio on 9/9, and Tom bids her fare thee well.
Glory Daze: Audience participation is now frowned upon in Philadelphia cineplexes
- Philly Boy Roy Shalit is ready (starts at 47:33) with his Invincible review, having taken over the role as resident The Best Show film critic from a delinquent Spike. Before getting to the film, Tom tells him that Steve had a question for him. PBR is intriqued ("Oh yeah, whaddey ax?"), and Tom fills him in on Steve's newfound love of Wawa. He then delivers the bad news: this outlet offers to toast their subs. PBR thinks that's sacrilege and says it is not done in Roxboro -- "no way and no day." Tom suspects it might be a regional policy, and PBR vows to complain to the home office and put a lot of people in that region out of work if he finds out where it's occurring. Tom's not sure the company would actually shut down a Wawa store because PBR complained, but PBR thinks they have no choice because you don't toast no subs.
PBR says that if you want that, you go to Quiznos, and he's disgusted that he even said the name of that establishment. Tom says it's a matter of personal taste, and PBR follows it up by adding "or lack thereof", a rare, well-crafted phrase by his grammatical standards. PBR is also surprised: "Did I say that? That don't sound like something that would come out of my mouth, do it?" Now we're back to normal. Speaking of doing it, PBR wants to get into his Invicible review and gives a brief plot synopsis: it's the story of Vince Papale (Mark Wahlberg), a Philly bartender who also taught typin'. He plays sandlot football with his boys in South Philly, goes to open tryouts held by new head coach Dick Vermeil (Greg Kinnear) following the Eagles' awful 1975 season, and makes the team. PBR says that's pretty much the movie, but what happened at the movie is even more exciting.
On Friday morning, he brought the entire clan to the Ritz 8 on Walnut Street in Center City for the 11:15 a.m. show. Tom mentions that he's seeing the first showing on the first morning of the film's release. PBR says, "Could it be any other way?" Tom takes this to be a rhetorical statement. PBR is confused by the term "rhetorical", and Tom wants to just move on. PBR says that the Riz is one of those art houses that had all these other weird movies playing. Truth be told, PBR has not been to a theater since 1993 when he saw Philadelphia. He made 30 attempts in 2002 to see Signs because it takes place up in Bucks County. However, he kept leaving the theater during the film. Tom asks him if he exclusively sees films that revolve around Philadelphia. PBR says he does because he's proud of his city, and wonders if Tom has a similar artistic connection to New Jersey: "Ain't youse proud of your cities?" Tom has Jersey pride, but doesn't limit his entertainment to things that take place within its confines. PBR wrote down the names of the other films showing at the theater:
1. An Inconvenient Truth, which PBR describes as a film about "global warnings"
2. Scoop. PBR is not familiar with this film, so Tom tells him that it's the new Woody Allen movie. PBR doesn't know him, but he does know that Scarlett Johansson is in it. Roy, Jr. calls her "Ms. Funbags". Tom thinks that's charming.
3. Little Miss Sunshine. Tom tells him that it's a new indie comedy, so PBR assumes that it takes place in Indianapolis and is probably a car movie. Tom tells him it's indie like independent film, not like the Indy 500.
The Zieglers arrived at the theater at 10 a.m. and were shocked to see that they were second in line at that early hour. The guy who was ahead of them was also wearing an Eagles uniform. The Zieglers were decked out in one big uniform, which Rhoda started making when she heard about the film being shot last year. PBR is mad because this guy has totally stolen his thunder. However, he won PBR over by offering him an olive branch that was constructed from Peanut Chews. The guy had apparently taped, melted, or smelted a cluster of Chews into the shape of an olive branch. Tom doesn't understand how someone would arrive at a movie theater with a pre-made, candied olive branch. PBR thinks that the guy knew about PBR and assumed that he was gonna get their early. Therefore, he was gonna get their earlier. Tom thinks the olive branch might be a Philly thing, and PBR agrees since it's the city of brotherly love. Tom sarcastically suggests that there's always so much love that comes out of PBR's calls to the show.
The man introduces himself to PBR as "Center City Sid". PBR explains that Center City is where it's all happening in the heart of downtown. PBR took a liking to CCS, a 64-year-old diehard Eagles fan who also worked at The Spectrum for 15 years. CCS threw PBR out of the venue in 1986 when he went to see The Power Station, a supergroup that included Duran Duran's John and Andy Taylor. PBR and his buddies didn't like the band, but they went because they thought they was a bunch of 'mos. PBR threw a bottle at bassist John Taylor, and CCS tossed him. PBR thought he recognized CCS and confirmed his identity via his Eagles ring. During the 1986 incident, he slapped PBR on the side of his face with an open palm. It left a mark of an Eagle that is still there, and they matched it up outside of the theater. Tom had no idea that his face featured an Eagles imprint. PBR says it's faint, but you can still see it if you get close enough. He doesn't want Tom to get that close to him. Now that Tom knows PBR's position, he will abort all of his plans to get close to him.
The theater is about to open, and PBR starts freaking out just like when he met Carl Weathers at a car show. During that encounter, he almost let one rip, which is what he does when he gets real scared. PBR foreshadows the action to come by recalling the old days when you could talk during the movie. When he saw Spike Lee's School Daze in 1988, a lot more than talking went down: the entire Philly audience joined in with the go-go anthem "Da Butt" and danced up and down the aisles. At the time, PBR said this was standard behavior in Philly theaters: "That's what you did!"
Invicible starts playing, and PBR is so caught up in it that he starts rattlin' off all the Philly locales -- Passyunk Avenue, 10th and Christian, the Wawa where he had his first hoagie. The new breed of moviegoers did not appreciate the commentary, responding with the first of many requests for PBR to shut up. PBR was undeterred, saying, "Hey, this how we used to watch movies in Philly, get used to it." One of the practice scenes was set to "Funk 49" by nem James Gang, and PBR got the whole family to boogy all over the theater. Tom thinks this is completely annoying to the other people trying to watch the film. PBR thinks they should have been lovin' the "Funk 49" dance because they are the Zieglers.
Tom hates that attitude, which suggests that the family is inherently more entertaining than the movie. PBR points out that they were still all crammed into the oversized uniform. Tom wants to ponder that image in his head. PBR grants him the time to "drink it in" and "bathe in its glory", which is a bit much for Tom. PBR reveals that the family is encased in the #66 jersey of famed linebacker Bill Bergey, who also appears in the film. Bergey backgrounder: in a call from November 2005, PBR said that he was once suspended from the team for reasons never made public. At the time of the infraction, PBR's dad was working as a delivery man and got the scoop from some contacts at City Hall. The suspension had something to do with Bergey's jock strap. And a cheerleader. And a nun.
PBR discusses a scene where the the aspiring Eagles attend the tryouts. While there are authentic exterior shots of The Vet before they tore it down, the interior shots do not look real to PBR. He's convinced that the filmmakers attempted to recreate it somewhere else and alerts the audience to his debunking. He stands up and says, "Hey, everybody, that's not the inside of the Vet, no way, no day." This is met with another chorus of "shut up" requests. Roy, Jr. pushed him to resist the opposition and continue to testify to the truth. PBR says that his son pushes him on in all he does in life.
PBR also had some issues with the film's portrayal of domestic life. In the beginning of the film, Papale is playing sandlot football with his bros. He comes home to his nice row house and his wife, who is a super bee-otch. She starts getting on him about stuff, and PBR doesn't understand her motivation since she appears to have it all -- they live in a beautiful row home on the most happening city on Earth, they've got indoor plumbing, and three television channels. PBR cannot relate to the existential malaise: "Some people just can't be satisfied, I guess." The next day, Papale arrives home after getting fired from teachin' and everything's gone. His wife left him a note that basically says you ain't never gonna be nothin', ain't never gonna make no money, and it hits him really hard. PBR can relate to the initial emotional tumult of getting your first missive of this kind, but says that eventually you get used to it. PBR has received about 350 of these notes, most of them are from Roy, Jr., some are from neighbors, and about 75 are from Rhoda. Rhoda don't leave because she knows that he's The Dude. PBR abides. Tom hates that so much.
PBR says that Mark Wahlberg is really good in the flick and his dyed-black hair makes him look just like Glenn Danzig. This makes sense because PBR heard that he will play the lead in the Glenn Danzig bio-pic, Some Kind Of Hate: The Glenn Danzig Story. PBR read the news in either Viority or Revolver. For the second straight week, Tom corrects him by saying it's Variety magazine. PBR says it's like apples and oranges, pronouncing the latter fruit with a hard "g" sound. Tom thinks that might be a new low for PBR, who justifies the misspeak by saying he's never heard it pronounced or eaten one. He reminds Tom that his family's fruit and vegetable intake consists of Tastykake products mixed in a salad bowl. PBR says there are no actual vegetables in the bowl, unless one counts flour. Tom does not. PBR heard that Chris Klein will play Eerie Von Stellman, wrestler Chris Jericho will play Jerry Only, and Julianne Moore will play the love interest.
Tom says that everyone can look forward to that film, and PBR is looking forward to getting a sign he saw in Invicible. A lot of the film takes place in a local Philly bar, which displays a sign on the wall that says "Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beerholder". PBR ain't never heard that before, and the clever wordplay caused him to crack up and roll around all over the floor of the theater. People told him to shut up. Tom's not surprised. PBR made Roy, Jr. promise to carve the phrase into his tombstone if he dies first. However, Roy, Jr. made a prediction about his future: "Roy, I ain't gonna live to 30. I'm gonna go out in a blaze of glory." PBR says that Roy, Jr. is living life to its fullest, as evidenced in the movie. Tom thought that PBR was referring to Roy, Jr's theater antics, but he actually appears in the film.
There was a scene where Dick Vermeil walks out to the first practice at Widener. He rounds the corner, and he's met by a bunch of local guys giving him and the other coaches some razz: "You better deliver youse coaches. Bring us a win or else." PBR then saw a kid say the line, "Don't blow it, Dick." That was Roy, Jr. PBR said his "little angel" must have skipped school that day and somehow made it out to the set. PBR says that you can see him say something else, but the sound doesn't quite sync up. The line heard in the film is "Let's go, Coach Vermeil." But Roy Jr's mouth movements suggest that he said "[something else], Coach Vermeil." Tom's sure it was something they had to change. PBR said he saw him say another sentence, but there was no sound. He's pretty sure that his lips formed the word "eat".
Roy, Jr., kept his big screen debut under his hat because he did not want to brag about it, which PBR believes is in line with the Zieglers' trademark modesty. Tom sarcastically agrees by saying they are indeed a humble lot. Roy, Jr. was escorted from the set after after Greg Kinnear refused his autograph request. Roy, Jr. responded to the denial by stabbing the actor. PBR tells Tom not to worry, because it was only a pen ... knife. Tom thinks Roy, Jr. is a little creep. PBR said that it's not right to turn down a little kid's autograph request, but Tom thinks there must have been a good reason. PBR thinks that Kinnear is all Hollywood and speculates that he didn't want to sign that issue. Roy, Jr. presented him with an issue of Juggs, which was the only thing he had on hand. It's his favorite book. Tom says it's not a book, but PBR says that it is to Roy, Jr. PBR says it all worked out because Roy, Jr. got revenge beyond the stabbing.
He went out in the parking lot when nobody was looking and spray painted "I Got Herpes" on Kinnear's car. PBR says that he made the "y" in herpes look just like the plump and swirly "y" in the Yes logo. PBR has a laughing fit and commends his son's vandalism: "That's my boy." Tom says he won't even bother explaining that there's no "y" in herpes. PBR says the movie was great until the very, very end. The film closes with actual footage of Vince Papale scoring a touchdown and a postscript that says that he's now married with two kids, living happily in New Jersey. PBR was stunned and started booing. He was rendered speechless and embarassed. Roy, Jr. was equally disturbed, and pushed his father yet again: "Roy, that is unacceptable. You gotta do something." PBR says something, but Tom had to delete it. PBR says he did the thing that Tom deleted. Roy, Jr. told him that if he didn't do that, he would tell Officer Harrups what PBR did to his hoagie last week.
The cops rushed into the theater and chased him into The Gallery on Market Street. He ended up hiding while perched atop a toilet in one of the train station bathroom stalls until 1 a.m. It was as bad as when he had to hide in the bathroom at the Blue Oyster Cult show at the Spectrum in 1982. PBR stole Eric Bloom's guitar, so he got chased around the venue. PBR said the theft was understandable because he was on 'cid and weed and 'shrooms and coke. Tom wants to know if he took anything else, but PBR said that was pretty much the extent of it -- he wasn't over the top back then. As a result of his behavior during Invicible, PBR became the first person to ever be banned from Center City. His picture is up all over the area, and PBR has to stay in Roxboro and Manyunk, which he considers a badge of honor in a sense. PBR becomes frightened after realizing that Officer Harrups has spotted him. PBR thinks that he must have got wind of his wind, so he hangs up to elude him.
- MC Steinberg returns (starts at 1:12) from an extended hiatus and declares that he's doing "awesome". Tom mentions that he kind of fell off the face of the Earth, and MCS admits that he totally did, not just in terms of The Best Show, but physically and mentally as well. He spent most of the time at home in his bathtub, dealing with some demons. MCS was not actually bathing -- he was just laying in a dry bathtub. Tom thinks it sounds a little creepy, and MCS adds to the creepiness by saying that his dog joined him in the tub. The dog was wet. Tom wants to know how the dog got wet, and MCS says that information needs to remain in the bathtub.
He's doing better now because a book saved his life. MCS says that he knows that Tom may think he's getting paid by the author to tout the book since he's famous in the rap world, but he says the praise is completely legit. The book is Brutus Ping's Exploiting Your Sexy. Tom has never heard of the book, and MCS says that it's popular in underground literature scene. In a nutshell, the book teaches you how to unlock your sexy. Steinberg feels he's accomplished this and wants to share the secrets with the rest of the listening audience. MCS doesn't want to judge, but he thinks that Tom attracts some nerds who could use some help getting in touch with their sexy -- unlocking it, exploiting it, using it to their advantage. MCS says that everybody has sexy, it's just depends on how you use it. While MCS is not a guru like Brutus Ping, he gives an example of the power of his teachings.
MCS was recently outside of a bar from which the hoodie-obsessed UK grime superstar Lady Sovereign emerged. Upon seeing the biggest midget in The Game wearing a red hoodie, MCS sings "Lady in Red ...", a snippet from Chris de Burgh's 1986 hit, "Lady In Red". She responds by saying, "Ha, you're funny." Steinberg says this shows how he combined his knowledge of Lady Sov with a quote from a song that's so unhip that it's cool. He learned to use this brand of humor by studying a highly-technical chart in Ping's book. The chart helps you to figure our your most potent skill to unlock your particularly sexy. Humor is MCS's sexy.
Tom wants to know if he hit it off with Ms. Sovereign, and MCS indicates that the answer to that question is clear from the story. Tom is having trouble seeing where the relationship went since anybody can shout something on the street. MCS said that Lady Sov looked at him, smiled, and tossed her hair back. He believes a connection was made and is confident that if their paths cross again, she will be exploiting her sexy. Tom's at a loss as to how to assess the insights into sexiness, but he's glad that MCS has risen from the bathtub. MCS said he has been picking up babes left and right and counts Lady Sov as one of his conquests. Tom says that speaks volumes about the extent of this pick-ups, but MCS ponts out that Ping subscribes to the philosophy of favoring quantity over quality when it comes to making these connections.
Tom hopes that MCS was not considering the Lady Sov encounter as anything resembling quality. MCS says there was some quality time, and he's looking at the big picture. He considers Lady Sov a three-point score, while high school junior Becky Blank was a 10-pointer. MCS says he knows Becky from hanging around the high school he used to attend. Tom wants to know more about the encounter, but MCS is reluctant to reveal more because he wants to show respect for her. Brutus Ping teaches you that once you use your sexy for evil, you pay a price. But if you don't tell anyone and revel in its glory, it's not evil. The exploiter has to be aware of the power they wield, but should avoid bragging.
MCS wrote a song about all the chicks he's been getting and, as usual, he's debuting it for Tom so he can help get it on the hype machine.
Tom likes it, saying that MCS is back and in rare form. The track's highlight was the airline announcement breakdown in which a fictional pilot uses the intercom system to announce that first-class boarding will begin on Steinberg Airlines. It's a direct flight with a final destination of ecstasy. Due to some shifts in the atmosphere, passengers are advised to prepare for some turbulence. The track also displayed some of MCS's vocal range with a Rick James-esque chorus and a high-pitched finale that suggested the work of Rob Halford. The song sums up his current standing with the ladies, although he's not going to brag about. Tom's glad he won't be bragging after doing a boastful rap on the topic. MCS says it's not bragging if it's true. He also announces that he's ready for new Battle Rap challengers. MCS departs with his usual sign-off: "Tom rules!"
- James from South Orange calls (starts at 1:30) and has Tom questioning the state of his ZIP code skills. Tom goes with 07052, but it's a rare miss -- South Orange is 07079, while West Orange is 07052. Since he was at least within the Oranges, Tom gives himself half credit. James is the first caller to put someone on the newly-created Slap List. Tom was inspired to create the list after seeing aggro punk rockers Ted Leo & the Pharmacists at a show on Friday night. Mr. Leo keeps a violent tally called a Punch List. Tom's not into punching people, but he does like slapping people, preferring the classic French glove-slap technique. The Slap List asks callers to name the one person they would most want to slap around.
James wants to slap Brian, his former college roommate circa 1999-2000. They had a little game of Prank Patrol going on when they lived together, and it started with fun, low-grade pranks like gluing a penny to the desk. However, it escalated out of control, and Brian significantly upped the ante for what proved to be the final prank. Just before the end of the school year, Brian enlisted a crazy, wannabe pro wrestler guy to get stark naked and nestle himself into James' bed for shock value. James has not spoken to Brian since. Tom thanks him for implanting the horrific image in our minds, and James puts the phone down to deliver the inaugural slap.
- Dave in Philadelphia calls (starts at 1:34) to announce his desire to slap Lenny Kravitz. Tom wonders why he would want to slap a rock star who makes good music. Dave thinks he makes terrible music, citing "Are You Gonna Go My Way?" and "Fly Away". Tom does a stellar rendition of the former. Dave thinks that Kravitz takes the worst elements of every old rock star, throws them together, and rips them off by doing things like hijacking the look of Jim E. Hendrix. People go for it, and it drives Dave insane. Dave wants to slap the Hendrix right off of him and demonstrates his passion by executing a slap that put a dent in his filing cabinet. Tom's scared of him.
- Paycheck in Toronto checks in (starts at 1:36) with a late summer call to join the slap brigade. Yesterday, he was enjoying a nice meal with his ladyfriend (aka Mrs. Paycheck) at an Indian restaurant in Kingston, Ontario. The town shares the same DNA as the nasty shores of Jersey and is filled with with some rough Canadian dudes. One such dude comes bombing into the restaurant and aggressively announces his intention: "I'm gonna use your toilet." The proprietor informs him that the restrooms are for customers only. The guy offers to buy a drink as he's en route to his desired destination. He's told that that is not an option, which doesn't phase him since he remarks "That's cool, too" as he closes the bathroom door. Paycheck can't abide by such blatant disrespect, and he'd love to slap this jerky cat. Paycheck does the best slap of the night -- crisp and forceful with a nice loud snap sound. Paycheck wonders what happens when the guy comes after you post-slap. He's also concerned that his mental/theoretical slap is not very manly, but Tom thinks it's fine because Paycheck is not after random fights like some hooligan. Tom says it sounds like the toilet marauder is the type of guy that served as inspiration for Trailer Trash Show. Paycheck thinks he would fit right into that description.
Still not laughing?: Adopted Canadian Robert Goulet will be on you like a buzzard on meat loaf!
Paycheck is sure that the new inductees to the Canadian Walk of Fame have been splattered all over the front pages of US newspapers, but just in case, he wants to review them. Canada could not afford a hall, so they had to settle for a Walk of Fame on King Street in Toronto. Tom goes out on a limb and guesses that the inductees are honored with something in the shape of a leaf. He's right. Tom likes Toronto and Canada in general, but he's tired of the rampant maple leaves littering the country. Paycheck thinks that Canada is holding onto the leaf because it's distinctive. America is much more diverse when it comes to symbolic imagery -- our entertainment elite are immortalized with stars, not bald eagles or the American flag.
Tom already knows the 2006 inductees, but for the sake of the audience, he pretends that he doesn't. Paycheck gives the rundown from good to bad: Hamilton, Ontario's Eugene Levy, Thunder Bay, Ontario's Paul Schaeffer, Sudbury, Ontario's Alex Trebek, Ladysmith, British Columbia's Pamela Anderson, and Robert Goulet from the great Canadian city of Lawrence, MA. Paycheck thinks Goulet attended college in Canada and is alarmed that a fake Canadian of dubious talents landed a spot on the walk. Tom doesn't want to insult the Canadian educational system, but he wonders why someone would choose the country for a study abroad program. Then again, it starts to make some sense to Tom after realizing that Massachusetts is not known for its colleges. Someone in the chat suggested that Mr. Goulet was dodging the draft to avoid being embroiled in the Korean conflict. (Goulet actually moved to Edmonton at age 13 and developed his booming baritone at the Royal Conservatory of Music in Toronto.) Paycheck failed to mention another 2006 fake Canadian inductee: President Baseball star and Indiana native Brendan Fraser.
Paycheck thinks a petition effort to get 100 signatures could yield Tom a leaf since he's bean to Canada. Tom wants to start the efforts for his induction in 2017, when he will be placed between David Foster and Hart of the Annex, Canada's Curb Your Enthusiam without the curbing. Tom assumes that Rick Emmett and Randy Bachman are on Walk of Fame, but they haven't made the cut.
Come on, Canada, it's aboot time you gave the Kids some leaves.
- Jeff from Middletown calls (starts at 1:44) to slap the collective at Fox who decided to cancel Arrested Development from their primetime entertainment lineup. Tom wants Jeff to think about this in a different way: the people at Fox gave him that show for almost three years. What have the people at CBS ever done for him? What have the people over at ABC given him? According to Jim? Tom points out that Jeff owns episodes of AD on DVD thanks to the people at Fox. (Little-known fact: Sean Hannity and Neal Cavuto co-wrote the bulk of "Motherboy XXX" sans credit.) Jeff is receptive to Tom's viewpoint, but thinks the show had a premature demise. Tom admits that it was a disgrace the way it went down, but the other channels are not stepping up with comparable programming. Tom and the Slap Committee invalidate Jeff's slap, so he's forced to slaps himself in the face.
Tom makes a great point, but I did review ABC's fall lineup, and it kinda rules. I picked out the key shows: Wife Swap, The Bachelor: Rome, Dancing with the Stars, Dancing with the Stars Results Show (my fave), America's Funniest Home Videos, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Take that, HBO. I'm talkin' bout wife swappin'! That's top-tier television.
Jeff wants to alter his slap target to only those Fox employees that had an active role in canceling the show. Tom thinks he needs to channel his rage and recommends slapping the people over at CBS for airing the likes of Two and a Half Men. Jeff's never seen it, but since it's not El Goodo-approved, he safely assumes it's not goodo. Tom tells Jeff that his DNA was programmed with the instinct to stay away from the sitcom. Jeff says that his DNA tells him to avoid CBS entirely. I'm looking forward to the new, "racist" season of Survivor with four tribes segregated into white/black/hispanic/asian groups and Timmy von Trimble taking over the hosting duties from Jeff Probst. First Immunity Challenge: the first tribe to make a new racing scarf for TvT is safe from Tribal Council and gets to attend a private White Reign show at the Rarotonga-A-Go-Go, the premiere rock 'n roll music club on the Cook Islands.
( Click here to buy Arrested Development Season 3)
- Tim from Elmsburg, WA calls (starts at 1:46) to discuss the casting for The Best Show movie. Tom wonders if it's Tim C. It's not. Tom asks if it's Tim B, by any chance. No. Moonbeam? No. Silver Tears? Luna? No. Marigold? No. Emerald? No. Andromeda? No. Tim F, Tim R, Tim Y, Tim A, Tim S, Tim W, Tim B, Tim E, Tim F, Tim G, Tim I, Tim H, Tim K, Tim J, Tim L, Tim M, Tim N, Tim O, Tim P, Tim R, Tim T, or Tim U? No. All wrong. Tom asks if it's Tim V, and it is indeed his old buddy.
Tom wants to be flattered by the actor that plays him and won't tolerate any insulting shenanigans that have him being played by the guy from Lost. Tom would ideally want to be played by Lyle Waggoner, and Tim V approves that casting. He adds the following:
I'd be concerned about potential scheduling conflicts considering Milonakis's current workload of playing the new Ferris Bueller, the Burt Reynolds role in the Cannonball Run remake, and one of the two Michael Myers in Rob Zombie's new Halloween entry. Later in the show, Tom was intrigued by a chat-based casting idea: Maria Bamford as Petey. Overall, Tom doesn't like Tim V's cast -- he LOVES it.
- Dan McNamara calls (starts at 1:50) to report that he's representing Jersey City as a finalist in the New York Televison Festival. Tom wants to know more about the NYTF, thinking it might be some sort of television watching competition. Dan says that it's a festival where you enter a television pilot in various genres for a $10,000 prize and the chance to pitch it to Animal Planet. Dan's show is a comedy called The Calderons, and he gives Tom the pitch: a mockumentary about an unemployed couple that takes care of two handicapped robots (one animatronic; the other a CGI toaster robot) in exchange for welfare from the government. Dan describes it as Short Circuit meets HBO's America Undercover documentary series. Tom likes the high-concept nature of the project. Dan mentions that former WFMU intern Nadia is the co-writer of the pilot.
Dan has a problem because he lacks a date for the opening night of the festival. He either wants advice from Tom or wants Tom to go with him. Tom asks Dan if he's asking him out on a date. He is. Tom wants to know what he looks like, and Dan says that he has blue eyes, brown hair, and pretty big shoulders. Tom's intrigued and wants to know the event details. It will be held at the Director's Guild Theater, which is behind Juliard by the opera house, which is around Lincoln Square/Center, which is on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. It will take place on Saturday, September 16th. Tom can't guarantee that he'll go on the date, but he wants Dan to send him an e-mail. Dan also wants Tom to put out the good word to any JC ladies who might want to attend. Tom tells him that if he calls next week, he'll assist him with getting a date over the air.
Dan also mentions that he heard about The Long Walk to New York documentary on last week's show. He thinks it sounded really interesting and wants to be involved.
- Christopher in RI calls (starts at 1:54) to offer a slap based on a recent trip to the supermarket. While exiting the store, he noticed that the vending machines that are traditionally filled with gumballs or the Homies line of plastic figurines offered temporary tattoos. He was troubled to see that the machines specifically had the lower-back tattoos that are all the rage. Christopher thought he may be out of touch, but Tom agrees that it's creepy. They will join forces to slap the people who greenlit the idea of temp lower-back tattoos for kids. They will also picket the store and shut it down until they grant them ownership. Christopher goes a bit too far by suggesting that the store should be burned down. Like any committed FOT, Christopher slapped himself on the left side of the face as a stand-in for the offending party.
I think we all know who greenlit this one. Wait. Shhhh. I think I can hear his flip-flops.
- Joe from Ridgefield calls (starts at 1:56) to tell Tom that he liked his opening music set, especially The Beach Boys. Tom wants to know his favorite Beach Boys song, so he can play it. Joe picks "Runaround Sue", which is not a Beach Boys song -- it's by Spike faves Dino & The Belmonts. Tom is beginning to doubt that Joe is a big Beach Boys fan, and after putting on his thinking cap, Joe still can't come up with an actual Beach Boys request. Tom dedicates "Runaround Sue" to him, but Neil Diamond's "Porcupine Pie" starts playing. Someone switched the CDs. Tom thinks it was Mike and Tom is not happy with him.
- Listener T calls (stars at 1:59) with two slap targets. First up is the media for the JonBenet Ramsey mishegoss over the past week. From the day they put John Mark Karr on the plane at the public's expense to bring him back to the US, he's been telling co-workers that guy was just a lying loon trying to avoid incarceration for sex crimes in Thailand. T did not appreciate the media making a giant deal out of a nutball that couldn't possibly have committed the crime. T unleashes a whip-like slap using a prop: a slap stick from the old NBC radio studios sound effects library. This slap was an ode to Fibber McGee and Molly. T also picked up a train whistle, a slide whistle and other leftovers from shows like The Shadow and The Jack Benny Program.
T also wants to slap Fox for burying Idiocracy, the new Mike Judge film, which snuck into a handful theaters over Labor Day weekend with no promotional efforts -- no trailers, posters, television spots, or even press kits for media outlets were provided. T talked to a friend who is in the film, and even he would not have known about its release if not for a dinner with Mike Judge two days prior. T argues that if the studio put up posters notifying the public that the film was from the creator of Office Space and Beavis and Butt-Head, they could have scored a nice opening weekend regardless of the film's quality. While Office Space is one of Fox's biggest-selling DVDs of all-time, T speculates that they're at a loss with what to do with a more biting satire.
Tom likes Office Space because it reminds him of where he works. While he knows it's a cliché, Tom thinks that someone should make a about his workplace. Tom works somewhere where they make movies about movies about people's workplaces. Not really. Tom actually works at Consolidated Cardboard, but wishes that he was employed by a meta film production house. Tom's company does make the cardboard that is used for shipping movie posters. They used to make the tubing, but now they just make the cardboard for skids of one-sheets. Unfortunately, CC does not make the cardboard used to mount posters at bus stations. Tom wishes they did because that cardboard is pretty cool. It's mostly imported from Malaysia.
The discussion turns to Cancon, and T mentions that he heard that Bryan Adams (ha ha) got so popular in the United States that the country no longer considered him a Canadian artist in terms of Cancon status. Tom thinks Canada needs to shape up and he's losing his love of the country if that's true. From the Cancon wiki:
This last criterion was added in 1991, to accommodate Bryan Adams' album Waking Up the Neighbours. Adams had collaborated with British record producer Robert "Mutt" Lange, and as a result, the album did not qualify as Canadian content under the existing rules. After extensive controversy in the summer of that year, the CRTC changed the rules to allow for such collaborations. Other Canadian artists with long-time international careers, like Anne Murray, Celine Dion, and Shania Twain, have used recording studios in Canada specifically to maintain Cancon status.
T wonders if William Shatner is on the Walk of Fame, and Tom is pretty sure that he's on there if Goulet made the cut. Tom and T speculate that Shatner has some kind of holographic leaf or, perhaps, a giant pile of leaves. T gives Tom one more slap from the slap stick for the road.
- A caller puffs tuff (starts at 2:06) on some paint fumes as he works in his basement. It's the first time he's listened to the show despite residing in Jersey City for a year and a half. He discovered the program via his Ted Leo fandom. He attended the South Street Seaport show and got to talk to Ted and his drummer. He used to be neighbors with Ted's brother, Chris, another skinny cool guy. Tom doesn't want to drag his family into it. He's never seen Tom before, but he thinks that Paul Giamatti could play him in The Best Show movie. Tom is not thrilled with the troll-like casting: "Oh, wow, there's a complement." He also casts Sam Rockwell as Ted Leo. Tom asks him if he could think of anybody uglier to play him in the film, such as Peter Lorre on his deathbed. The caller counters Tom's earlier request for Lyle Waggoner with Porter Waggoner.
Since the caller is new to the show, he doesn't know what GOMPing is. He does now. Ted Leo informs Tom that he would slap this guy right across the chops with his guitar-calloused fingers. While there is no doubt that the talented Giamatti could Bring It as Tom, I think I have someone that may be more pleasing to The Kid. After all, Tom is no bridge troll. No troll could ever lasso someone like Jillian Barberie.
The role of Tom Scharpling in The Best Show movie will be played by:
- Leila in Toronto calls (starts at 2:09) to slap Neil Diamond for writing "Porcupine Pie". She thinks the song should come with a disclaimer because it has woven its way into her nightmares. She's hooked, and believes the song is more addictive than crack cocaine. Speaking of nightmares, Tom imagines the state of the country if the U.S. government had dumped Hot August Nights CDs into the ghettos instead of the Bolivian marching rocks. Leila suggests that a Porcupines on a Plane film should be made, and I think it would likely do better box office than the snakes thing. Tom says that her call fulfills the Cancon quota for the evening and wants to know if her favorite Canadian program is Prank Patrol. She doesn't have cable, so her television intake is minimal. She has seen a couple of episodes of The Trailer Dudes, but she's not really into their foulmouth antics. Tom thinks the reason those guys are having such a hard time in life is that they need to put on a nice shirt, maybe comb their hair, shave off the moostaches and goatees, and just stop with the toilet talk. Keep it clean, kids.
Tom asks her if she's familiar with the young adventurer, Daniel Cook. She wants to know what channel he's on, but Tom doesn't know because trying to navigate the Canadian lineup was like being in an alternate universe. In this bizarro world Curb Your Enthusiasm appeared on a channel called Showcase. Leila has been watching CYE via DVD, and Tom says she has to read his Curb spec. Trivia: Tom is the only person on Earth to ever write a Curb spec. She gives Neil a "slap", but Tom catches her in a soft-serve hand clap. She then delivers a quieter -- yet painful -- slap to her face.
- Tom is excited (starts at 2:26) that Pet Sounds is finally available for purchase in stores in the form of a 40th Anniversary CD/DVD set in a limited edition fuzzy digipak. Tom's reaction: "Wow." Prior to this week, there was no way to get your hands on a copy of the album. (I got my bootleg copy a few years ago from Werner in exchange for "taking care" of some guy who saw him do something and was going to tell a jury what he saw.) Tom's relieved because he'd been wondering when there would be a fifth version of Pet Sounds that he could get his hands on, and now it's his for the taking. The bonus DVD contains the "The Making of Pet Sounds", a behind-the-scenes documentary featuring interviews with Brian Wilson, Mike Love, Al Jardine, Dennis Wilson, Carl Wilson, Bruce Johnston and Tony Asher. Tom can't wait to hear what new insights Al Jardine has about the making of Pet Sounds. He's hoping that he will expound a little bit more on what it was like to have zero creative control over something and then sing his parts like a chimpanzee at Brian Wilson's command. Jardeen might also discuss how his cans felt that day and mention the nice cold sodey he consumed before entering the recording studio.
The DVD also has "Pet Stories", where Brian Wilson, Tony Asher, Hal Blaine, Carol Kaye, Don Randi, Frankie Capp and Tommy Morgan reflect on the Pet Sounds sessions and the album's legacy. The thought of this makes Tom hate Pet Sounds, even though he used to love it. Tom's heard it 9,000 times and now it's one of his least favorite albums. Tom decides to feed the album to Dogmo and let him rip it up. Tom already owns nine discs worth of Pet Sounds stuff from prior releases, and he's had enough. Tom thinks that the people who now love the "lost masterpiece" should be punished for finally appreciating it and releasing it in nine versions. He has a message for its mastermind: "For shame, Brian Wilson." Tom's favorite Beach Boy is Mike Love, and he declares Love's 1981 solo album, Looking Back With Love, to be superior to Pet Sounds even though Radio Shack put it out on their Tandy label.
- Greg from Hayday chimes in (starts at 2:32) on the Pet Sounds debate. He loves the album, but like Tom, he doesn't need another version, even if it comes with a real pet. Tom likes that idea and thinks they should have sold the new version exclusively to pet stores. The customer would not know what kind of pet they would get, which would add some drama to tearing open the packaging. Greg says you might get a nice cat or a king cobra. Tom says that some sets would even include a coupon redeemable for a horse. Greg loses Tom by suggesting that one might receive a pet that has ceased to be because the factory omitted the air holes in the shipping materials (surely Consolidated would never make such a deadly error). Tom has no interest in that ghastly surprise. Tom still seeks a real version of Smile, and Greg said that his friends are always swearing they have an authentic edition that they've sequenced themselves in order to fix Brian Wilson's subpar work. This is nerd talk that Tom compares to chatter about Ferengis and Star Trek. Tom has serious doubts that some dude with a lifetime subscription to Goldmine is going to be able to patch together the true Smile
The real reason Greg called is to throw one of his band's songs into the Smash or Trash fire. Greg is the singer and guitarist for Brooklyn's Hayday, a scrappy garage band influenced by The Beatles, The Ramones, and The Replacements. The song "Hope You Had Fun" was inspired by Greg's unrequited love for a girl. Not only did she not share his feelings, but she added an extra twist by dating his Lex Luthor. The first to 10 votes wins. Your influence counts ... use it! Here are the votes:
* Jack from Montclair starts it off: Trash. He's not trying to be mean, but advises Greg to retain his day job. He feels that the song is way too long.
* Smash. It could be trimmed just a smidgeon, but was really catchy and liked the guitar and transitions.
* Smash. He likes long guitar solos
* Smash. The song has a nice sense of urgency, liked that Greg's going for it on the vocals. Had a slight Springsteen, countryish vibe. The caller abruptly ends the call because his boss was yelling at him to get back back to Pump No. 3.
* Trash. Smash until the chorus, but then it suffered a sonic meltdown. Outro was too long and indulgent at the end. 200 vocals in the chorus = a bit too much. Greg thinks he knows this guy.
* Smash. Thinks the song is "the bomb". The song was better than the one he heard last week, whatever that was. Surely he was not referring to the first verse of Petey's court-mandated Dylan tribute.
* Smash. "It just totally rocked, that's all."
* Trash. He didn't like the vocals.
* Smash. "It sounds good."
* Trash. Love songs make him want to jam pencils in his ears so he can never hear again. Tom asks him what kind of stuff he likes, and he says love songs. He then says he was just messing around and doesn't actually like them. Tom says he's weird, but everyone's vote counts. This is the problem with the American electoral system.
* Smash. His voice gets her hot. Tom is certain that she knows Greg, but she denies it. Usually, Tom converts a Smash vote from people who know the artist into seven Trash votes, but he lets it slide this time.
* Trash. The "I hope" part -- she doesn't like repetitive choruses. There is some debate about what a chorus is, but Tom is not a music teacher so he can't really weigh in.
* Smash. Sam from Austin thought the song was catchy. His brother sent Tom a Danny Manning jersey, and he was wondering if Tom liked it. Tom likes it, but he doesn't wear it all the time. He wants to know if Tom has at least worn it once. There's some static on the line, and Tom asks Sam to define "wear". Sam says it means putting your arms through the sleeves of the garment. Tom will "wear" it proudly this week!
* Smash. He liked it all -- the energy, the extended part, everything.
* Smash. It was catchy and reminds him of the Velvet Underground a little bit. I think this was music scholar Charles R. Martin.
10 votes. It's a SMASH. "Hope You Had Fun" also received a rare insurance vote:
* Smash. Started out Ramones and went into "Yellow Submarine"-ish chorus. Honored the influences well.
Greg gives the the band's Myspace URL again, and Tom laughs at him for having less than 100 friends. He laughs again when Greg ups the count to 704 friends, but backs off when Greg reveals that he has 7,000 friends. Greg says he got a computer for the first time today, and Tom welcomes him to 1995.
- Pat closes the show (starts at 2:55) by mentioning that he met saw Tom at the South Street Seaport show. He was pleased that Ted played brought it for a good two hours. Pat's a big fan of anything from Shake The Sheets, and his fave Ted song was "Where Have All The Rude Boys Gone?" Tom doesn't like that song. He LOVES it. Pat got an email informing him that somebody was looking for information about The Long Walk To New York. He's involved with it a little bit and may serve as its co-director. His friend Jim started the project and called last week to pitch it to the listeners. The film is currently slated for an early September start date, and the filmmakers secured a fateful casting coup in the form of a vagabond named "Sweet Tooth". He already had the words "Long" and "Walk" tattooed on his knuckles, so he was perfect for the project. Tom goes out on a limb and says that Sweet Tooth sounds like a guy who has enough free time to do a 34-mile walk at the drop of a hat. Pat says he's a traveler of sorts; Tom hopes his parole officer joins the walk.
Pat hopes to assemble a big crew that will cause "mass hysteria" as they walk to New York. You can e-mail Jim at jimvbasil at aol dot com for more information.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom signs a three-year deal to slap for the NESL's Newbridge Redfaces, Zachary Brimstead checks in to discuss his latest sort-of media appearance, and TLS talks about his ideas for The Best Show movie (teaser: lots of Viking spirits and chainsaws).
Sam Ha-gar coulda been somethin':
Finally, here's a clip from the hott new band, The 11-Day Dreamers:
I don't have any other reason to link to this article, other than the fact that the one-and-only Kool Kim of the UMC's name-dropped Recidivism's very own X amount in the comments.
So I was spelunking around YouTube (as I'm wont to do) and found the trailer for Comedian. I like this documentary, and a riff popped into my head:
Comedian is kind of the anti-The Aristocrats, Gillette and Provenza's wildly-overrated attempt to craft a comedy-as-jazz expose with a mind-deadening barrage of largely-uninspired filth talk. (ALERT: Yes, Bob Saget works "blue". We've heard about that dark little secret for years. The dude from Full House loves the dirty talk! Ha ha.) There was certainly fun to be had in the film, but mostly not in the way it was intended. For me, the real kick was seeing all of my old teevee friends from the late-1980s to early-1990s comedy BOOM -- all those cats who appeared in front of the brick wall on the ubiquitous clip shows on The Comedy Channel and HA! (pre-merger!), MTV's Half-Hour Comedy Hour, HBO specials, etc. Sue Kolinsky and Cathy Ladman are still at it?! Taylor Negron is alive! Jake Johannsen! The Amazing Jonathan! Etc. The Aristocrats was a slideshow of my nascent, mid-teen comedy mind.
However, Comedian, which shares a few performers, narrows its focus and dives deep down into the dark NYC wee hours -- nestles into the back rooms of the clubs, veterans poking at pasta dishes and cheesecake, exhaling smoke and working on their craft. Hearing Chris Rock marvel at seeing Cosby do three hours of new material or seeing a post-Seinfeld Seinfeld bomb with new material is a far more thrilling and interesting comment on the art of stand-up than Andy Dick telling me about stapled scrotums or a parade of b-grade journeymen sloshing around in human waste and inter-family activities. And while Orny Adams is a bit of a goofball and thoroughly mediocre, his dedication to the game -- his meticulous joke-filing system, his delusional dreams -- is quite endearing. Comedian shows that if it's 1 a.m. in Gotham, you better bring it even if you've got 39 Porsches in a private garage because after five minutes, even the most beloved performer will have to earn the laughs of a real, paying audience. And that's a lot harder than impressing your peers with depraved backstage riffage.
I like the mp3s you put on your blog. I am with the San Francisco experimental pop band the Ebb and Flow.
...
In fact we are considering naming our new record "Recidivist's Recital"!
Could a solicitation be any more perfect? While the parallel naming thing would be enough to garner them a listen, the idea that they have this modifiable line as a part of their form letter is enough to garner them a post. Think of the carefully crafted others:
- The funny soundman is back (starts at 36:01) to say hello as Kiefer Sutherland's demented sniper from the feature film Phone Booth. Using KS as his messenger, he informs Tom that it's not in his best interest to disconnect the call, and follows that up with some cackling. He also wants to know if Tom is feeling nervous. Tom thinks it's in the caller's best interest to be a little faster on the soundboard to create a more seamless dialogue. He wants to know if Tom is still with him, and Tom's barely hanging on. He makes it clear that he's the one who gives the orders and issues one to Tom: "Go on, hang up!" Tom quickly obeys.
Tom says that everyone can look forward to that film, and PBR is looking forward to getting a sign he saw in Invicible. A lot of the film takes place in a local Philly bar, which displays a sign on the wall that says "Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beerholder". PBR ain't never heard that before, and the clever wordplay caused him to crack up and roll around all over the floor of the theater. People told him to shut up. Tom's not surprised. PBR made Roy, Jr. promise to carve the phrase into his tombstone if he dies first. However, Roy, Jr. made a prediction about his future: "Roy, I ain't gonna live to 30. I'm gonna go out in a blaze of glory." PBR says that Roy, Jr. is living life to its fullest, as evidenced in the movie. Tom thought that PBR was referring to Roy, Jr's theater antics, but he actually appears in the film.