Recidivism.

The perils of being forced into a category.

Posted by Omar at 11:17 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 9:54 AM | Permalink | Comments

I jump in my car on Friday in my casual office gear heading to NY or wherever to do a show that night. I've even flown out to Brussels and they didn't know the difference. It's really bizarre, but it's the way I roll now. If this breaks and someone finds out about it at work all of sudden they would find out that I'm going all over the country every weekend.

-- Greg Gillis on his double life.

Biomedical engineer by day, Girl Talk by night.

Posted by x amount at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

A couple of years ago, I did up a post about failed attempts to integrate hip-hop into the natural soundtrack of a TV show. The crux of the thing revolved around one song that stuck out on The Wire. Here's that track:

Akrobatik - "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle [produced by Edan]"

Turns out Breihan just did up a nice The Wire piece about how the show itself has influenced hip-hop.

Finally, here's a bonus Akro track from his upcoming album:

Akrobatik - "Beast Mode [featuring Mr. Lif]"

( Surely the Canadian can tell you where to buy his music )

Posted by x amount at 10:56 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 7:45 AM | Permalink | Comments

not to mention your [bleep]s and bleep.

Addendum, #001:

an informal survey topic for our readers. WHO SHAVES WHAT THESE DAYS? i'm in the dark (and curlies) on this subject. respond in comments. results will be tallied and and smooth, clean-shaven pie graphs will ensue.

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 2:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

But the CGI'd hair does look pretty real.

Posted by x amount at 10:06 AM | Permalink | Comments

"Don’t ever have anything to ever do with your life ever on a Tuesday night." -- Tom, appreciating Mike the Associate Producer more than ever upon his return

"You’ve got the stink of laziness all over you." -- Tom on Wet Rat's continued failure to send him any music

"Roy, Jr., that is unacceptable." -- Philly Boy Roy's father on the Eagles' woeful 1975 season

"Not a whole lot of floor left in it. Kind of Flinstonian sometimes." -- Philly Boy Roy on the family's rickety 1976 AMC Pacer

"He needed that energy." -- Philly Boy Roy, explaining why his father did cocaine prior to his Eagles tryout

"It looked just like one of nem guys in the band was shootin' fire out of his mouth." -- Philly Boy Roy, thinking he was hallucinating Gene Simmons' stage theatrics

"Do those rocks look sharp enough down there? Will I definitely get killed?" -- Tom, considering diving off the lighthouse to his death

"I once got left by a bus and I sworn I wouldn’t never see it happen again." -- A good samaritan, somewhere between Mississippi and Louisiana

"Let me play some of that stuff for the ghost of John Coltrane." -- Tom, suggesting an authenticity test for Steely Dan's fake jazz

"Oh, I do not envy thou.” -- Bryce on Tom's impending meeting with Rutager

"What are you, Robert Goulet just walking on The Tonight Show?" -- Tom on a caller who immediately launched into song

"You might as well eat that in the emergency room." -- Tom on Joey's not-so-balanced dinner

“Take that Langley Schools, with your dumb chimes.” -- Tom, on the commentary track during his spin of Wings' "Venus and Mars"/"Rock Show"

"I remember more about your life than you do, it seems. Get off the weed, I guess." -- Don Klausmenser on Tom's inability to remember obscure details from a five-month period during fifth grade

"Do you still have that shirt?" -- Don Klaumenser, wondering if Tom still owns the classic Wendy's gear

"I’ve always been of the opinion that food should be free." -- Don Klaumenser, stating the guiding belief of the Freedom Eaters

"When things are too pleasurable, you get complacent." -- Don Klaumenser on why he prefers to drink warm water with his free food

"Oh, that damned device." -- Don Klaumenser on the perils of his uncle's mechanical nemesis

"On the one hand, I want to live; on the other hand, I want more of those cookies." -- Don Klaumenser on Werner's addictive treats

"You seem like a nice gentlemen." -- Nicole, on the road to becoming a full-fledged FOT

[TBSOWFMU - 8/22/06 / Podmirth [Subscribers = 52] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Jucifer - "Hennin Hardine"
Jucifer - "Pontius Of Palia"

( Click here to pre-order If Thine Enemy Hunger)

The Heads - "Embryonic Lizard"

( Click here to download Under the Stress of a Headlong Dive from eMusic)

Ben Kweller - "This Is War" (from the forthcoming Ben Kweller; 9/19/06)

( Click here to buy Benjamin Kweller recordings)

Oxford Collapse - "Please Visit Your National Parks" (from the forthcoming Remember The Night Parties; 10/10/06)

( Click here to buy the band's previous LP, Some Wilderness)

M. Ward (ft. Neko Case) - "To Go Home" (Daniel Johnston cover)

( Click here to buy Post-War)

Annotated highlights from Abba to Zappa of a show subsidized by the Mennen Corporation:

Kern Pharmaceuticals Presents: YAON #5. (This installment did not filter through Mr. Kern's editorial pen. He was in Pennsylvania for a "dirty tricks" brainstorming session to thwart the re-election of cowardly Democratic Congressman Jack Murtha. During his visit, Kern got into a heated argument with Max Cleland, a former Democratic Senator and Murtha supporter. Kern eventually tipped over his wheelchair, and the disabled veteran spilled out onto the street. When asked about the incident, Kern said, "I did what any upstanding patriot would do."

- Mike from Wet Rat returns (starts at 23:55) with a greeting of "What's up, yo?!" that has Tom rethinking his prediction of a blowout "W". He heard that Tom didn't like Kevin Smith, but he thinks he's a really good guy. Tom wants to know if he has any other old topics he wants to rehash, such as the presents he received last year for Christmas. Mike doesn't believe in the holiday, preferring to believe in "other stuff". While his reasons were not entirely lucid, he appeared to object to the increasingly materialistic nature the Christmas season, as well as a society that is content to sink deeper into the abyss of bad television, wasting its collective mind on nothing but garbage. He believes that humans can achieve something much greater. For example, the spontaneous music of Wet Rat, a band that writes songs poking fun at any situation. He claims that if Tom proposes a scenario, he'll send him a tape of a Wet Rat song based on said scenario. Tom doubts it because despite the promises, he never actually receives any Wet Rat material. Mike offers a weak excuse about having difficulty tracking down friends who have the band's only CD and the ability to record their tunes. He says he will get ahold of the music and send it to WFMU this week.

Mike believes the band is striving for excellence, but Tom seems to suggest something incongruous about the quest for excellence and not being "down" with the birth of Christ. I think what Tom was really saying is that Wet Rat is no Stryper. That's a band that gets things done. The Yellow 'N Black Attack bring the rock and celebrate the Lord's bday. Tom tells Mike that Wet Rat blew their momentum -- they were a known Best Show commodity, and then fell off the face of the Earth. Mike says he couldn't call the show because he went on a vacation to Sierra Vista, Arizona to get away from his hometown. Tom speculates that he’s a rich kid. He disputes it, saying he worked hard to earn the money for the trip, completing tasks such as washing his father’s Bentley. Tom's had enough and notices the stink of laziness all over him. He couldn't get him a CD and that is the behavior of a soft-serve kid. He's GOMPed because there's no room for young flab on the show. Tom saw enough of it when he was on the boardwalk a couple of weeks ago. All the kids had rolls of flab cascading down their midsections, stuffed full of the McDonald's quarter-pounders and vending machine filth so readily available in their high schools.

“It takes a nation of Augustus Gloops to hold us back.” -- Chris L on the FOT Chat.

The Wipers - "Return Of The Rat"

- Charlie in Seattle calls (starts at 27:10) to check on the status of the struggling podcast. Tom tells him that there are 52 subscribers, but Charlie thinks this is one of Tom's joke numbers. Tom says it's a legit count based on the July 2006 numbers he got last Friday from the guy who runs the website. Charlie is originally from New Jersey, but now the podcast is his only way to partake of the show -- if it goes away, he's dead in the water. Tom says he has to do his part, which brings Charlie to the not-so-nice portion of his call. As a loyal listener, he feels a bit defensive when Tom cites the low numbers and calls for the promotion machine to launch into action. Charlie thinks that the existing subscribers are doing their part (e.g., he's been spreading the word up and down the West Coast), but Tom says that the numbers don't lie. Charlie thinks Tom should focus his energy on the non-listeners, a tricky task considering that they are not listening to the program. Perhaps this is a job for Petey as he fulfills the requirements of his sentencing. The bottom line is that Tom has to beat the drum any way he can to avoid cancellation.

Charlie is double-dipping by subscribing on two computers, so he accounts for 1/26th of the subscriber base. He thinks that Tom needs an international task force to promote the podcast. Tom decides to put together a street team called Team Scharpling. Charlie agrees to wear a golf shirt with that name embroidered on it, and Tom will also make stickers featuring the podcast URL. Charlie recommends a catchy logo that is internationally recognizable. Tom likes Charlie's oomph and wants him to send an e-mail to receive more details about his role in Team Scharpling. Charlie is dedicated to the cause and is willing to participate in a variety of entertaining "-thons" -- walkathon, jogathon, and skipathon. What about a railathon? Or even better: DEVICE-A-THON!!!!!!

Vince Papale on the casting of Mark Wahlberg: "Who?"

- A caller peforms (starts at 31:10) the opening synth line of The Who’s "Baba O’Riley" -- it's Philly Boy Roy doing the theme music for Invicible, the greatest movie of the year, which opens on Friday. Tom thinks it might be the new Jet Li movie, but it's a film about former Philadelphia Eagles player Vince Papale. Tom now recalls that it’s the film starring Mark Wahlberg, who PBR knows from the Overnight, the documentary about Boondock Saints writer/director Troy Duffy. Tom's seen the film, but cannot recall seeing Wahlberg. PBR reminds Tom that Wahlberg appears in the film for a couple of seconds at the cookout after Troy signs his deal with Miramax's Harvey Weinstein. For PBR, this is a Wahlberg movie. Tom says Boogie Nights is more immediately considered a Wahlberg vehicle by most film fans, but PBR didn’t see that film because parts of it hit too close to home. PBR says it would be best not to go into it, and Tom says he’s 100% right to stay away from further discussion.

PBR wants to know if Tom’s excited about the film, but Tom doesn’t know the story that well. Tom gives PBR the go-ahead to “fill youse in”. Papale was working as a bartender in Philly during the 1975 NFL season where the Eagles stunk up the Vet with a 4-10 record. PBR's dad used say, “Roy, Jr., that is unacceptable", and PBR would respond with “Dad, you’re right.” PBR does note that wide receiver Harold Carmichael was pretty good that year. He asks Tom if he remembers how bad Keith Krepfle was. Tom doesn’t recall Krepfle. Ditto John Bunting.

The next season, they got Dick Vermeil as their coach and held open tryouts. Papale, who ain't never played football except for a little bit in high school, came in and landed a spot on the team as a wide receiver. He played a little bit in every game from 1976-1978, but didn’t do a whole lot in his run other than one fumble recovery. The Zieglers are so excited about the movie that they painted their souped-up 1976 Pacer just like an Eagles helmet, and Roy, Jr. drives it all over the city blasting nem O’Jays. Tom is not surprised to learn that the car doesn't have much floor left in it -- like the Flintstones, you can see the Zieglers' feet when they drive around Philly.

Tom wants a mileage count, and PBR says it had 780k at the time of its last oil change. It also has the original engine and nem rubber bands get kinda melted sometimes. Tom wonders why they don’t spring for a new ride, but PBR says that the Pacer has become a meaningful heirloom of sorts. They simply can't bear to part with it. Plus, they need to keep it on the road because Roy, Jr. uses it to take all the people who can’t make it out of Hooterville, their basement speakeasy, home at the end of the night. Roy, Jr.'s payment is that he gets to rifle through the pockets of the inebriated patrons per the principle of "finders keepers". Tom rejects the maxim, saying that it’s people’s stuff -- that’s why it’s in their pockets. PBR is unmoved by the dissenting opinion, but does start to get sad because he knows that he won’t be able to make it through the movie on Friday without crying. When he sees a Philly sports hero on the big screen, the tears will flow.

While he was a little apprehensive about seeing Boogie Nights, Invicible is gonna hit even closer to home. Tom assumed it was because this film is Philly-based, but there is an even more personal connection to the story. When they had nem tryouts that summer, PBR's dad and 14 of his buddies tried out, too. Tom correctly assumes that nobody made the team. PBR says it was still a fun day with the entire gang driving to the Vet for a rare opportunity for football glory. PBR served as their beer boy, pulling a keg of Schmidt's through the stadium in his little red wagon. PBR watched from the sidelines as his dad did the most push-ups out of anyone in his group of friends. He completed a half push-up. Tom’s not impressed. PBR explains that they were all big guys, and when he says big, he means overweight, not like tall and buff. Considering that his dad was the top performer out of 15 with a measly half, Tom is not surprised to hear about the troupe’s excessive girth. His dad ended up getting thrown out of the tryouts for doing rails. Tom wonders why he would do coke before exerting himself physically -- something that he was not accustomed to doing -- under the watchful eyes of professional football coaches. PBR says he needed the energy.

All too real: Kiss convert the Spectrum into Hell on Earth

He needed it because he was up all night trying to talk PBR down from the Kiss-induced freakout he suffered after seeing the band at the Spectrum. Tom asks if it was because the show was so good. In fact, the performance made PBR think that he was in “deepest Hades”, which he at least partly chalks up to the ‘cid he dropped before the show. It was so scary that at one point, it looked just like one of nem guys in the band was shooting fire out of his mouth. Tom says that probably did happen as part of the standard Kiss theatrics. PBR wants to know about when the same guy started bleeding out of his mouth. Tom says that was Gene Simmons engaging in antics that were also part of their act. PBR is certain that this part didn’t happen: they played a song called “Ladies In Waiting”, the worst song he’s ever heard in his life. Tom tells him that’s a real song, not some drug hallucination.

PBR now thinks that instead of actual acid, he may have just licked an old, non-narcotic postage stamp. Tom says all that stuff happened; PBR thinks it’s pretty freaky. PBR hopes that he didn't ruin his dad's chances for nothing because he probably would have made the team with a decent night's sleep. Tom thinks that since he could only muster a half of a push-up, it’s not likely he would have made the cut. PBR admits that he fudged the push-up total -- it wasn't even a half. Tom doesn’t see how anyone could do less than a half, and PBR says that technically he never got down. Tom says that anyone can get down since it’s basically just falling. PBR reminds Tom of the girth impairment: “Not with nem fat rolls.”

Speaking of roles, PBR wants to know if Tom’s heard of the word-of-mouth, buzz sensation, Snakes on a Plane. Tom says that everyone on Earth has heard of it by now, although based on its disappointing opening weekend haul, not a lot of people are actually seeing it. PBR didn’t see it neither, and he tells Tom that he’s talking to the co-author of Snakes on a Steak. Tom wants to know what it is, and PBR tells him: “It’s a movie, you dummy.” It’s just like SoaP, but it all takes place at Jim’s Steaks on South Street. PBR doesn’t want to give away too much because he fears that Tom will plagiarize the script. Tom says he definitely won’t. In a nutshell, the ground under Jim’s turns out to be under a Viking burial ground. There’s a big rock show on South Street called Brenner’s Street Soiree, a take-off on Dave Chappelle’s Block Party. As the name suggests, it's hosted by Philly's only comedian, David Brenner. PBR wants Tom to guess the musical lineup, which he doesn’t think he’ll be able to do. Tom correctly guess The Hooters, Robert Hazard, Teddy Pendergrass, and Hall & Oates. Tom did forgot the big one, the final band of the night: Dead Milkmen.

Tom knows of at least one other comedian from Philly -- Paul F. Tompkins. PBR doesn’t know him, but wants to know his story. Since PBR only watches cable from the parking lot of Circuit City, Tom says that may have seen Tompkins without any audio. Tom thinks he’s funny, so PBR will get Roy, Jr. to Google him for more information.

When The Hooters break into “And We Danced”, something strange awakens Viking snakes, who start causing “max havoc”. Roy, Jr.’s writing most of it, and he wrote Tom into the film. Knowing PBR's feeling about him, Tom goes out on a limb and asks how he dies. Before answering, PBR wants to give some backstory on Fudge, the name of Tom's character in the film. PBR explains that everyone hates Fudge, but they keep him around because he’s so gross looking that people give his friends free stuff because they feel sorry for them for knowing him. One day, Fudge is in Jim’s to try to break his own record of consuming 42 cheesesteaks. He’s halfway done with the 42nd sandwich and knows he can eat more, but then the snakes come up. It’s particularly gross because Fudge is fluffing a lot and people can’t stand to be around it. A snake smashes Fudge's face against the grill. Fudge then gets a huge spray of "snake juice" (aka venom) in his face, which then gets peeled.

PBR doesn't think Tom will ever guess who they want to direct the project. Tom says John Avildsen, who PBR doesn't recognize despite being the director of Rocky. They’ve got someone else in mind: TLS, “the one and only, and he’s definitely not from Olney.” Tom asks PBR if he's even alive. PBR thinks he is, having read something about TLS in Viority [sic] magazine. Tom doesn't know what that is, and PBR tells him: "It’s a film trade, you dummy." Tom spells it: V-A-R-I-E-T-Y. PBR confirms that is the publication's title, which he's been saying wrong all the years he’s been a subscriber. Tom says that he has some nerve calling him a dunce and a dummy considering these kinds of errors. PBR says that if the name fits, wear it. Speaking of wearing stuff, PBR is wearing Roy, Jr.’s Eagles uniform. He can sort of fit into it, but the pants look more like short-shorts and they're kinda binding him, so he may have to hang up in a second. He’s wearing a child’s uniform to psych up for the film, and the Zieglers haven’t eaten since Saturday because they are too excited.

Tom thinks Snakes on a Steak may sound so bizarre because they are starting to hallucinate due to nem hunger pangs. They are taking in fluids in the form Frank’s Grape soda, which PBR believes contains nem nutrients. Tom sarcastically agrees about the nutrient content in the drink. As a result, PBR might get Roy, Jr. to write Fudge out of the movie. He thinks Tom will be sad, but Tom doesn’t care because he would never perform in the movie. PBR says they will just recast the role with someone who looks like him, such as a monkey down at the zoo. PBR cackles at the thought of replacing Tom with a primate. Tom brings the conversation back to the earlier comment about Roy, Jr driving a car all around Philly at age 14. PBR says he’s better at driving than his father. Tom points out that he has no license, but PBR says that he was driving at age 7 -- he acutally drove his father and friends to the Vet for the tryouts.

Tom says that PBR is a horrible parent; PBR disagrees. PBR wants to call next week and give a film review. Tom likes the idea and hopes the film is good. PBR can't imagine how it wouldn't be considering it takes place in Philly. PBR then becomes extremely giddy and ends the call by telling Tom to "Fudge off."

- "Tom" calls (starts at 55:18) with a Lighthouse Confession and uses a Fred-ish voice to avoid being figured out. Tom fires up the foghorn, and "Tom" says he's cheating on his wife. Any further details of the infidelity are drowned out by the sound. "Tom" thinks this is terrible -- he's trying to make a real confession and Tom is blowing a horn in his ear. Tom pushes him out of the lighthouse because he couldn't roll with it. Tom then demonstrates how easy it is to confess using a start-stop technique to get your story heard in between the sireen blasts.

- Aaron calls (starts at 58:44) on the worst phone connection of all-time, though he improves it enough to tell Tom that he called a long time ago to argue about Steely Dan, a not-rock band that are currently working as full-time Owen Wilson/Wes Anderson agitators. Tom tells him that they are terrible, and Aaron wonders how he could not like them. Tom wonders how he could like them. Tom determines that there is no chance of a middle ground on the topic, so it's time to move on. Besides the fact that Tom doesn’t like Steely Dan, Aaron thinks he’s funny and enjoys the show. He wishes his friend a Happy Birthday over the airwaves.

- "Tom" climbs back up into the lighthouse (starts at 59:53) after learning the technique in Tom's tutorial. He repeats that he's having an affair. Tom doesn't believe it. "Tom" says he won't believe the identity of his mistress: his wife's father. The revelation has Tom thinking about committing suicide by jumping out of the lighthouse. He's concerned that the rocks may not be sharp enough to definitely kill him. The caller claims that the husband/wife's father coupling happens more often than Tom knows. Tom couldn't be more skeptical, and wants to hear more about it. "Tom" starts his story with "it started really slowly ...", but Tom has no time for cartoon stuff and made-up premises better suited for the likes of Jerry Springer. After "Tom" bored up the lighthouse, Tom is there all alone, drinking a soda. I'm sure Jimbo was hanging around there somewhere.

- Jeff from Middletown calls (starts at 1:04) to start the search for the worst of the 1. 9 billion bands on Myspace. Tom was not after limp indie rock or ineffective folk -- he's talking about the absolute drugs of music. The kind of stuff that makes your head hurt. A level of talentlessness normally only achieved by Doctor Stupid. Tom does say that if a band has him in their Top 8, they may get an exemption because sometimes you can judge a band by the friends they keep.

Jeff's entry is Edmond, Oklahoma’s Tears of Blood for This Broken Heart. Jeff skipped the first track that played automatically (“Blood Confession”) and opted for “Cinco De Alone”, which he cleared for toilet talk. Tom plays the track and believes the somber, gentle guitar strums are coming from a bunch of depressed kids. He calls for them to not be so sad. Lyrical highlights includes a line about eating mushroom and Chef Boy-Ar-Dee all alone in a bedroom. Tom says it’s not his cup of tea, but not the worst the band.

- Jim calls (starts at 1:07) to promote his new documentary, The Long Walk to New York. The film will document a 20-mile jaunt from Vernona, NJ, to NYC. Jim offers Tom an opportunity to join the cast, which is open to everyone. Tom wants to know the point of the project, but the filmmakers don't even know what will happen on the wild adventure. Jim is an accomplished documentarian, having directed a film about a baseball coach called -- you guessed it -- Coach. Jim says the walk will happen within the next month and believes it will be an unforgettable experience for everyone involved. Jim provided an e-mail address for listeners to contact him about his other work and information about joining the cast of The Long Walk To New York. Just a hunch: if you e-mail Jim, you will probably regret it. Tom doesn't think he'll be in attendance. Well, maybe he will. There's a good chance. Possibly? Jim may seen Tom in Verona, decked out in shiny New Balance kicks and DC Snipers sweatbands.

(Tom's never going there.)

- Eli calls (starts at 1:10) with a family-friendly, farmland Lighthouse confession. Eli bolsters his family-friendly claim by noting that he's calling with his daughter in the background. However, Tom's not privy to Eli's family life and thinks it's possible that he's raising them like a weirdo. Eli denies it, saying he raises his family on a farm. This doesn't really sway Tom: “Yeah, nothing weird ever goes down on farms.” Eli says he has a good, organic farm, currently boasting seasonal produce like tomatoes, peppers, and corn. Other than his Internet connection, he’s self-sufficient and lives almost entirely off the land. Tom likes what he hears.

Before he was tied to the land, he was taking a bus to Texas. Somewhere between Mississippi and Louisiana, the bus stopped at an establishment called Mama’s. Everybody got out to have something to eat. Jim was unimpressed with the menu, so he skipped nourishment and went to the bathroom. En route, he saw the bus driver eating a sandwich. He figured he’d have more than enough time to complete his business before he finished his snack. He comes out, and the bus driver is gone. He walked outside and sees the bus pulling away. All of his stuff is on the bus, and he doesn’t even know what state he’s in. He’s terrified. He runs after it as fast as he can, but realizes that the bus is pulling further away. He will not catch it. He will be stuck in the middle of nowhere.

At this moment of realization, a pickup truck pulls right in front of him. The driver throws open the door and yells, “Get in!” Eli jumps into the truck, and they race after the bus. While in pursuit, the pickup driver reveals the motivation for his friendly actions: “I once got left by a bus and I sworn I wouldn’t never see it happen again.” He flags down the bus by flashing his lights. The bus stops, and Eli gets on. He did not have any other problems for the rest of the trip. The confession: he never thanked the guy. Eli feels bad because if not for him, he'd probably still be stuck down there. While the failure to offer thanks is not right, Tom says the omission is fairly understandable because he was in a state of panic and caught up in the moment. Eli wanted to confess on the air because he thought the guy might be listening to the show. Tom thinks there’s a very good chance he’s listening because a very high percentage of good samaritans enjoy listening to the show while performing good deeds. Tom says Eli has to do something good. Eli will try.

- Jeff calls (starts at 1:15) with a disturbing Lighthouse Confession about a summer of theft. Jeff worked as a nurse at a summer camp for kids ranging in age from going into kindergarten to going into 7th grade. His primary duty was applying BAND-AIDS® to these youngsters, and he mainly just sat around, getting bored and hungry. As a camp employee, he had access to all the kids’ lunches, so he would often steal items such as really good granola bars and chips. Tom wonders if he ever heard distraught kids ask what happened to their granola bars, but, surprisingly, Jeff never did. He estimated that he executed five or six snack heists due to hunger. Tom thinks it's pathetic that he couldn't afford 80-cent granola bars, but Jeff says that the school hosting the camp had emptied their vending machines for the summer. He also claims that the was not paid enough to be be able to afford at the convenience store to acquire his own foodstuffs like the parents who paid for their children to attend the camp.

Tom initially chastises Jeff for abusing his privileges as a camp worker, but quickly realizes that he's operating a non-judgmental lighthouse. Tom does recommend that Jeff dip into his wallt and buy some food for a homeless dude. Jeff then claims that he also works at a food bank, another site for his food crimes. Tom wants to know what kind of food he steals there, and Jeff starts giggling. He retracts his statement, saying he only steals from children. Tom says it's nice to know that he has some moral code.

NOTE: this guy’s voice had a Larry the Perv quality to it, especially when he says “exactly” towards the end of the call.

- Since his last call went so well, Aaron (aka Angry Steely Dan Fan!) is back (starts at 1:20) for another round. He still wants to know how it's possible for Tom to dislike Steely Dan. Tom’s answer is simple and direct: They stink. Aaron wants to know how Tom can say such a thing. Tom’s answer is simple and direct: because he’s heard them. Aaron resorts to a quiz, asking Tom to name the band's lead singer. Tom stumbles a bit, saying “Fager and Becker”, before recovering with “Fagen and Becker.” Aaron is amused by Tom’s failure to immediately cite Donald Fagen, suggesting that it’s evidence that Tom has not thoroughly immersed himself in the band’s history and music. Tom offers an apology: “Oh, sorry I didn’t memorize a band I HATE!”

Aaron thinks that since Tom is a DJ, he should be up on the members of such a legendary band. Tom does not think his job requires him to memorize everything about bands that he thinks are awful. Aaron wants to know if Tom has given them a fair try. Tom has sampled their music throughout his entire life, enduring the awful Pretzel Logic and Aja. Aaron thinks Tom really needs to hear Gaucho. Tom thinks it’s a dubious recommendation, sarcastically suggesting that the last album right before they break up is always when bands get hott. Aaron then wonders if Tom likes jazz. Tom does indeed like jazz, but he does not like like-jazz, the genre that Steely Dan specialize in. Tom performs a sample of their faux-jazz stylings to illuminate the awfulness.

Aaron admits that he’s not a die-hard fan, but thinks that one has to at least appreciate what they do some level. Tom does appreciate them on the level of being a showcase for showing off high-end stereos to customers because their music is recorded well. Aaron wants to hear Tom’s major grudge against Steely Dan. Tom obliges by saying that they are bad from start to finish -- completely sterile and soulless. Tom declares them the enemy of rock music. Aaron calls the review “scathing”. Tom offers a sonic syllogism to further express the band's opposition to rock:

* "If you like rock music, you can’t like Steely Dan."

* "If you like Steely Dan, you can’t like rock music."

Aaron disputes it because he loves rock music and Steely Dan. In fact, his musical interests are vast: "Dude, I love it all, dude!" In addition to Steely Dan, he likes an eclectic array of rock bands ranging from Pavement to Built To Spill to Yes to Nordic Avenger. Tom notices some problems with Aaron's claims to “love it all” while providing a quartet that does not exactly suggest a bi-polar record collection. Tom wants to know if he's one of those guys who likes it all from ABBA to Zappa. Aaron is not pleased with the suggestion: “How dare you accuse me of that.” Aaron says he mainly likes rock ‘n roll, and he also likes Steely Dan. Tom catches him in the bold lie and diagnoses him as a guy who's trying to be cool and fit in with people who like rock music. He's a pretender. Aaron wants to know what rock music Tom likes. Tom’s answer is simple and direct: Not Steely Dan.

Aaron says he’s loved rock music since he was a little kid. Rock ‘n roll is “his thing”, and he even went to music school. You need to re-enroll, son! Just as we hear the sweet strains of Bryce’s singing, Aaron shames himself by using toilet talk, so Tom dismisses him. Tom believes this is the behavior of the typical Steely Dan goon. Tom will ultimately defer to the ghost of John Coltrane to see if he recognizes the music of Steely Dan as anything resembling "jazz".

Steely Dan - "Peg"
De La Soul - "Eye Know"

Bonus: The Making Of ...

- Bryce is back on the line (starts at 1:24) and continues his cover of Steely Dan’s “Hey Nineteen” from Gaucho. He wants to know what happened with the last caller. Tom explains the toilet mouth, and Bryce wants to make sure that Tom’s not mad at him. He gets Tom to confirm this by staing “we’re still buds.” Tom says that he is getting forced into some weird corners, and Bryce says he don’t need to know nothing about Tom’s personal life. Bryce shifts the conversation back to Gaucho, which he thinks is a great album, the title track featuring one of Porcaro’s greatest grooves. Tom thinks Jeff Porcaro is the guitarist, but Bryce tells him that he's the drummer and fills in some of the other players: Steve Lukather and Jeff's brother, Steve Porcaro, on the ivories. Tom points out that you know you're really in trouble when you're counting on the guys from Toto to deliver the rock.

Bryce sings a bit of “Babylon Sisters” to Tom’s dismay. Bryce likes that song because it reminds him of reggae and that reminds him of something else. He gives Tom four guesses. He doesn’t think Tom will ever guess it. Tom guesses a good vacation, and Bryce responds by loudly slurping on his bong, ending the mystery. Bryce is surprised Tom could hear it since he did not know how good his cell reception would be. Tom heard it and answers correctly with smoking weed. Bryce’s Steely Dan fandom even extends to DF’s first solo jam, The Nightfly. Tom tells Bryce that Fagen put out a solo album this year with perhaps the worst title he’s ever heard. Bryce doesn’t have it yet, so Tom tells him the title is Morph The Cat. Bryce loves it. Tom thinks it’s the kind of album title that could only spring from the mind of a guy in his 50s who thinks he was cool and still thinks he still has his finger on the pulse. Bryce agrees with everything Tom said except for the word “was”. Bryce thinks Fagen is still cool and considers him his spiritual guru/dad. He carries a poster of him all the time and put one up on his shack. Bryce explains that he resides in a shack, which accounted for the uncertainty about the quality of his cellular connection. Back in January, Bryce moved into the luxurious confines of the above-the-aquarium section of Upper Newbridge, a result of a massive settlement ($120k) after his neighbor's strong pet lion bit his hand off.

He had to move behind the abandoned Lady Foot Locker as part of an expense-cutting initiative after some very questionable purchases, such as spending $58,500 on what he thought was Jerry Garcia’s toilet. It was a fake. Bryce also bought some other stuff. This other stuff was not really collectibles. Bryce gives Tom six guesses this time. Tom’s first guess is nice furniture. Wrong, although one of them looks like furniture. Tom's second guess is a new refrigerator. Wrong, although one of them has a cooling element in it. Bryce got some some pipes -- hash pipes and the other kind. Tom wonders if it’s crack pipes, but it's weed bongs. Bryce was not sure if he could use the b-word on the air. Bryce also purchased the stuff you put in it, which is what necessitated the move. Tom’s not surprised that Bryce used the lion’s share of his lion share on weed. Bryce doesn’t want Tom to tell anyone that he spent all of his money on drug paraphernalia and drugs.

He's using one of his marijuana bails as a pillow in his makeshift bedroom. Bryce says that shack is really more of a shanty, and his living conditions start to make Tom sad. Bryce wonders what he will do when it gets cold since fall is right around the corner. Tom doesn’t know what to tell him and thinks Bryce will have to deal with it. Bryce thinks Rutager may be able help him out. Rutager is one of the dudes that he deals to, although sometimes the drug dealing goes both ways. Bryce says that Rutager doesn’t like Tom. Tom says he doesn’t know him, but Bryce says that Rutager knows Tom "hard”. Bryce doesn’t even know what that means. Tom wants to know why he even cares about him. Bryce says that Rutager does not like Tom or his vibe. Tom says all he can do is apologize to Rutager and tell him that he doesn’t have to listen to the show. Bryce says it sounds like Tom will be meeting up with him soon, an encounter that Bryce is glad to not be a part of: “Oh, I do not envy thou.” Tom doesn’t know what to say, but Bryce gives him a tip: “The cuervo gold / The fine Columbian …” and goes out like a lamb.

- Joe in Kentucky calls (starts at 1:32) to report that the climate is "going well". Tom asks him if he’s off from school, and Joe says he don’t go to school no more. It was “way before my contract", whatever that means. He then mumbles something about the “bankruptcy things” and “the whole drinking thing”. He makes a comment about smoking and his big lungs. Tom believes these big lungs are filled with hot air to bore him and can't even muster a GOMP.

- A caller with a British accent (starts at 1:33) offers some insight on Steely Dan. He used to hear that the band was considered jazz for Deadheads. Tom thinks he hit the nail right on the head. The caller says that if he's in an elevator, he sort of enjoys a Muzak version of Steely Dan songs. This is his Lighthouse Confession. At this point, Tom outs the caller as The British Fred. Much like Cpt. Jack drummed up the psychotic alter ego of Louie the Liverpudlian, Fred’s psychotic British alter ego is Legion. Legion says that Tom is wrong and he’s not getting it. He's upset because Tom did not play the bong-bong-bong of the lighthouse horn and orders Tom to “get on it, already.” Legion desperately wants to make a proper Lighthouse Confession, but instead of gettting on it, Tom says that maybe he can get off it. In other words: Get Off My Phone, Mate! The first-ever GOMPM!

This call caused Mike the Associate Producer to have a conniption.

- A caller says (starts at 1:35) that Steely Dan were one of the few good things come out of California until the whole punk/new wave thing. He likes the twisted side of the band with their messed-up lyrics about meth labs and having sex with their cousins. The caller also has an opinion on the last "skit" with The British Fred: “Swing and a miss, Del Unser’s up next.” The caller is referring to Dave Kingman's Mets teammate from 1975-1976, and Tom is amazed that this guy thinks he can get mileage out of the last week's Kingman comparison. Tom has a message for him:

“You want to know what, junior? You’re sittin’ in the stands! You’re sittin’ in the stands with a hot dog and a beer. I’m on the field. I’m on the FIELD! You’re in the stands. You and 58,000 others. There’s only 18 of us down here. That’s right, you keep cheering me on. I don’t need you.”

Tom establish the caller as Enemy #43 on The Best Show enemies list, which will be released soon.

- Tommy from Basking Ridge calls (starts at 1:36) to talk about Wildwood, NJ. Tom's not much of a Wildwood man, and Tommy had a mediocre stay there over the weekend. While prowling the boards, he noticed a lot of Philadelphians who seemed like they were having the time of their lives. Tommy expected a nicer beach like those found in Avon or Belmar, and he wants to know what kind of beach Tom likes. Tom enjoys Seaside Heights, the kind of beach where you could get stabbed. You would certainly get stabbed on the beach in AC or Asbury Park, but Seaside Heights is the kind of beach that lulls you into a false sense of safety -- you can have fun, go in the water, and then come back to find that everything’s gone. When in Wildwood, Tommy and his friends were wondering if they should take their stuff when they went in the water. If Tom was there, he would take all his belongings – blanket, sandwiches, cooler -- with him if he went in the water. Tommy agrees that this is the most secure policy for the nasty shores of Jersey. Safety concerns aside, Tom loves the Seaside Heights atmosphere, especially on the boards, where people either look Danny Devito or Joe Rogan.

When Tommy was in Wildwood, he also had an encounter with an aggressive tram car that would honk and then attempt to run you over if you were still in the way. Tommy recommends that Tom check out Wildwood the next time he’s in the South Jersey area, and he very well might. Tom also likes Point Pleasant because you can get all the Staten Islanders who hopped across the bridge. Tommy mentions that if you encounter Staten Island drivers on the Garden State Parkway and accidentally change lines, you will get the finger. Tom and Tommy reclaim ownership of the state's key transit artery, and Tom sends a message: "You can tell me what to do on the Staten Island Expressway, I tell YOU how it goes on the Garden State Parkway.” Tommy points out that the Staten Island familes think they can scoot down to the beach in 15 minutes by revving their cars loaded with kids, sandwiches, and pets to 110 mph. In the end, it always takes them the usual two hours due to traffic and tolls.

- Fred from Queens calls (starts at 1:40), possibly from Israel. Tom says he might as well let this guy host.

- A caller immediately launches (starts at 1:40) into a lo-fi ditty, and Tom did not appreciate the lack of any verbal introduction that declared his intentions. Tom compares this bold act to Robert Goulet waltzing unnannounced onto The Tonight Show stage. The caller wrongly thought that the had the eternal greenlit, a prestigious right that is reserved for only Louie the Liverpudlian. (Tom will, however, hang up on him after 15 seconds.)

Dinner of Champions: A well-balanced meal, just like they taught you in school

- Joey calls (starts at 1:42) because he knows that Tom lives in the NJ area (Newbridge, to be exact) and he knows that he's a fan of Ted Leo. Therefore, he wants to know if Tom's aware of the FREE show at the South Street Seaport this Friday. Aware of it? Tom already mentioned it! Joey knows it will be good because Ted’s playing, but he’s not sure who else is playing. Tom tells him about the DC Snipers, who are also awesome. Tom played them earlier in the show, but Joey also missed that. Joey was busy having a family dinner and feels bad that he couldn’t put the show on. Joey dined at a nice Italian place in Middletown, opting for a light repast consisting of a steak sandwich, a garlic knot, and a pepperoni roll. Tom wants to know how many pounds he gained as a result. Joey is a very active person who likes to work off what he put on. Tom thinks that Joey may literally have to build a pyramid to work off that meal.

Instead of a local trattoria, Tom thinks a better venue for eating that food would be an emergency room. In this setting, the defibrillator could act as a warming plate in case any of the garlic knots got cold. Joey points out that most defibs have a sensor and won’t charge unless they are actually touching a person, which would prevent heating food on it. To combat these kinds of feasts, Joey drinks a lot of vitamin water to keep the pounds off. He likes going places and moving about so he's not concerned about developing any Gloopy flab. He's not sure if his dinner was abnormal, so he wants to know what Tom had for dinner. Tom is opting for a much lighter and healthier bowl of fruit. Joey likes fruit, but does not think it’s filling enough for full dinner. He doesn’t think it touches every section of the food pyramid and is concerned that Tom is lacking the requisite intake of protein and carbs.

Tom thinks the food pyramid went out of fashion 40 years ago, but Joey says that it's still taught in schools. Tom’s thinks its presence in the curriculum has no meaning because these are the same institutions that teach dubious fire safety maneuvers like stop, drop, and roll. Joey thinks Tom needs to go back to school and talk to some of his former teachers who promoted the value of the pyramid in a proper diet. Tom also points out that schools teach that pizza is the perfect food due to having dairy (cheese), vegetable (sauce), and grains (crust) components. Joey believes it is indeed the perfect food, especially with pepperoni and a soda for hydration.

Tom instructs Joey to skip the South Street Seaport show and go to Seaside Heights to watch the people eating pizzas. He wants Joey to not only observe their girth, but also take body fat measurements using skin calipers. Joey counters with an offer to swim to the seaport. Tom would like to see that and says that he can eat what he wants if he does it. Joey assures Tom that he’s in good shape. He’s reluctant to toot his own horn, but -- beep beep -- he says he’s looking good. He says he has the face of a young Tom Cruise, and a ripped, Brad Pitt body that allows him to regularly wash clothes on his stomach. Tom wants him to climb on stage at the South Street Seaport show, take his shirt off, and flex. Tom will try to arrange it; Joey agrees to do it. Tom asks him how old he is, but Joey find this too personal to reveal.

-Brett calls (starts at 1:47) with an ethical dilemma/Lighthouse Confession and gives Tom the go-ahead to fire up the foghorn.

In the time before digital answering machines, Brett scoured thrift stores in Texas and removed the tapes from all of the discarded answering machines amidst the piles of junk. He was thinking that he would use them to put together an art installation of some sort. He got a voyeuristic thrill out of discovering the moment that someone decided to go digital or get CallNotes. In one tape, it seemed like a guy just dropped off the face of the Earth -- his creditors were calling, his co-workers at Albertson’s were inquiring about his truancy, a really sad girl called to tell him that she misses him. The ethical dilemma is 1.) He’s stealing from thrift stores 2.) He used a sample of one of the recordings in the background of a song he recorded, and he feels bad about turning some guy’s misery into his own art. Tom thinks this is behavior befitting BH Surfers' frontman Gibby Haynes. Brett actually went to high school with Gibby's brother, and Tom wants to know if he is also devoid of any talent. Brett says that his brother is really cool.

Brett's girlfriend told him that he should replenish the stolen tapes with blanks. Tom doesn’t think that will cut it, and Brett realizes that providing obsolete magnetic tape will do little to clear his conscience. For starters, Tom thinks he should use his own misery to make art, as well as doing some volunteer work to truly help people. Brett doesn’t like volunteering because you don’t get paid. Tom predicts that he will keep on doing what he’s been doing, and Brett admits that he’s pretty set in his ways. He thinks he’s capable of doing the right thing and will do it for Tom because Good Guys win in 2006. He wants to be a songwriter that touches people with rock ‘n roll instead of a creepy pervert that takes people’s emotions and spreads them all over the place so people can have a voyeuristic giggle. He has an activist friend who marches around (Timmy von Trimble??), but that’s not for him. He will try volunteering somewhere for an afternoon to get back on track.

- Melissa offers a band (starts at 1:52) that's worse than Steely Dan -- ambient spazz-folksters Jim Florio & The Urban Decay. They are already winning Tom over by using former governor Jim Florio in their band name and on their Myspace page. New Jersey reprezent! Melissa recommends spinning the track “The Colossus of Rhodes” because her mortal enemy -- ukeleleist Anthony J. Decay -- plays on it. She is his friend on Myspace because she believes in the philosophy of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. Tom agrees with this interpersonal approach. While Tom plays the tune, Melissa admits that she dislikes the band because the people in it get on her nerves. Tom calls their music Sebadon’t. It's just kinda there. Tom says they are not even close to being worse than Steely Dan. For one thing, they’ve only got four songs. Melissa hangs up to go drink some beers.

- Petey calls (starts at 1:55) and it sounds like the conviction is wearing him down. His voice has all the pep of Eric from New Paltz after eating a mound of tots. Despite his lethargy, he’s ready to sing his Dylan song to fulfill one of his sentence requirements. Tom’s not quite ready to accept the musical apology, but wants a taste of the first verse. Tom says it doesn’t sound too shabby, but wants to delay the full version until next week. Tom wants to know why he's talking like he just got back from the dentist and suspects that he his high from a weed session at Bryce's shanty. Petey doesn’t know who that is, which suggests that he's only interested in his segments since Bryce has been calling for a couple of years. Tom GOMPs him and tells him to splash some cold water on his face before he calls.

- A 14-year-old first-time/long-time calls (starts at 1:57) for what is hopefully the last time. He opens with "What's going on?" and claims he will Bring It. Tom thinks he'll be bringing a whole bowl of nothing, but he says he's got a whole bowl of Tom's face. Tom mocks his weak voice and threatens to smash his face. Tom says he will fight him and any five of his friends all at once. The caller counters by saying that they will fight Tom’s face. Tom laments the multitude of soft-serve kids calling the show. He wants August back.

- A caller plays (starts at 1:58) the Good/Not So Good game with two entries:

1. Langley Schools Music Project: Not So Good

2. Snakes on a Plane: N/A. Tom hasn’t seen it yet.

The caller is curious about Tom’s opinion about The Langley Schools Music Project, so Tom refers him to the moment five seconds earlier when he said “Not So Good”. Tom says it’s just a bunch of kids playing decent music. The caller finds the music haunting and likes the story behind it. Tom's glad it got out there and everybody had a good time with it, but doesn't find their Wings covers to be the pinnacle of musical greatness. The first time the caller heard “Venus and Mars"/"Rock Show” was on the Langley album. He then heard the Wings version and thought it was terrible. He much preferred the kids singing. Tom says he is completely nuts because the Wings version on Wings Over America is a masterpiece and those Langley kids can’t hold a candle to what Paul McCartney, Linda McCartney, Denny Laine, Joe English, and Jimmy McCulloch achieved on that evening. Tom also ponits out that being endorsed by the likes of Richard Carpenter and John Zorn doesn’t help the Langley cause. Tom concludes that it's nice and pleasant enough, but it ain’t the big leagues like Wings. The caller is GOMPed.

- A caller begins (starts at 2:17) asks: “Where’s the beef, Tommy?” The caller seems to expect the query to garner instant recognition, but Tom doesn’t know the beef's wherabouts. He addresses him with the impersonal “sir”, and thinks it might be Fred. It’s Don. Tom doesn’t know who that is, and Don is disappointed. He flips the cards over and reveals that he's Don Klaumenser. Still nothing. He says he’s from Newbridge Elementary, and he and Tom were best friends in fifth grade. Tom still has no idea, and Don thinks it’s a joke. Tom has a faint memory of the name and doesn't think Don was even there for a full school year. Don confirms that he was only there for five months because his dad got transferred.

Don wants to know if Tom is still with Sheila Reynolds, another name that Tom has forgotten about. Tom has parted ways with Sheila, and Don is surprised because she was Tom’s girlfriend for as long as he knew him. He thought they were a great couple, always hanging out by the monkey bars and horsing around. Don wonders if they broke up, but Tom says he doesn’t think they were ever really a couple. Tom remembers her as more of a girl that he was friends with, while Don said it seemed like there was more to it. Don remembers that Tom was the first person in their gang to “cross that bridge” (nothing dirty, of course), and they all looked up to him for that. Tom thanks Don for the complement, and says he's completely lost touch with Sheila, who may have not even gone to the same high school.

Don was searching around online today and didn’t see anything on Planetarium, Tom’s band. Tom said they played one time at a talent show with him on bass. Don remembers the full lineup: Tom, Jimmy Levine, Rich Shaughnessy, and Chuck Hirsch. Don thought their version of the Thompson Twins’ “Hold Me Now” was as good as the original. Tom remembers the whole thing as being kind of embarrassing and a learning experience. Don thought they were really good. Don was checking online to see if their record came out. He’s also been checking the record stores once a year because he assumed it was out based on what Tom said at Jenny Montgomery’s party. Tom said that Planetarium was going to be huge, and that one day they would be bigger than Wham and definitely bigger than The Boomtown Rats. Tom reminds Don that it was in fifth grade and he can’t recall the specific details of the comments. Don wonders if Tom ever made it to the Thompson Twins show he said he was going to see at the Capitol Theater on June 7th. Tom doesn’t think he did.

Don presses on with the stroll down Memory Lane and wants to know what Tom ended up getting on that project. Tom wants to know what he’s referring to, and Don said it was a diorama about current events. Tom has no idea what grade he received. Don is a bit baffled and mentions that he seems to remember more about Tom's life than he does. He suggests that weed is to blame for Tom's faulty memory. Tom says he doesn’t smoke weed, and Don is bringing up stuff that is not at the forefront of his mind. Don says that Tom's diorama smoked. Tom doesn’t remember what it was, but Don, of course, does. Tom’s piece centered around Michael Jackson catching on fire during the filming of the 1984 Pepsi commercial. The only thing about it that Tom remembers is that it wasn’t particularly well-received by the teacher. Don thought it was great. He wishes he got to hand in his Tom-inspired diorama. It involved Clara Peller asking “Where’s the beef?” at a McDonald’s due to their inferior patty size. Don recalls it being such a cool saying that everyone was repeating that year. He wants to know if Tom still has his "Where's the Beef?" shirt. Tom says he probably no longer owns it.

Tom wants to know what Don got on his diorama, but he never got a chance to hand it in because it was the week that his dad got transferred. Speaking of that week, Don wants to know what happened that Friday since he left on Wednesday. Earlier that day, Don says that Tom has an argument with Scott Delongpry, and they made a plan to fight after school on Friday. Tom doesn’t think he got into a fight with him, and Don is pleased to hear it. Tom was telling everyone that he was going to go all Iron Sheik on him, but secretly they were all kind of worried because Scott had that intimidating mustache, one of the few physical dividing lines in fifth grade. Don doesn’t want to embarrass Tom, but he has to ask if he still eats Charleston Chews the same way. Tom hasn’t had a Chew in about 10 years, but Don remembers that Tom used to freeze them and then fold them in half because it was “more awesome” that way. Tom does remember using that technique. Don tried it a couple of months ago and confirms that it was indeed “more awesome.”

Don’s back in Newbridge, mainly because he’s kind of persona non grata where he used to live in Western Maine. That’s where he initially moved with his dad, and then they moved to Instanbul for a few years before returning to Maine. Don says Instanbul was not so good, except certain parts were obviously cool. Tom asks if he always wanted to return to Newbridge. Don says that he kinda got booted from Western Maine over big differences with some of the local restaurant owners up there. Don has always held the opinion that food should be free, and this is generally not a belief shared by restauranteurs. Don believes that food is one of our basic needs, not unlike air, which is free of charge. Tom argues that if somebody’s running a business, they are providing a service that costs them money. Don doesn’t think it’s a big deal if one guy doesn’t pay. The main differences he had with them is that most of the time he didn’t pay. And by “most of the time”, he means all the time.

Tom doesn’t understand how this process works. Don says that some would call it “Dining and Dashing”, but the “Freedom Eaters” prefer to call it “Eat and Retreat”. Don publishes a magazine called The Freedom Eater, which has a circulation of 34,000. The magazine shares stories, tips, and highlights must-to-avoid restaurants that have a particularly vigiliant staff. Tom disagrees with the "Eat and Retreat" policy -- he thinks people havea every right to charge for their services. Don thinks that Tom might have a different perspective if he had ever seen him fake a heart attack while dining.

The Freedom Flop: Dick Fosbury's signature move is now being used to commit culinary crimes

Tom thinks it’s terrible to fake a cardiac event to get out of paying a bill. Don says he’ll mix up the health issues, which may include heart attack, kidney stones, near fatal migraines, and HS (heart stoppage). Tom wonders how one could fake HS, so Don walks him through it. First, you take pills in clear view of other people, even though they are just salt tablets. Then, you do windmills, which are then followed with a variation on The Fosbury Flop, the landmark high jump maneuver patented by Dick Fosbury. Don jumps up high in the air and lands on his back -- kinda painful, but it does the trick. Tom is still unclear about how this allows you avoid paying for the meal. Don says you either get carted off by the EMTs or while the commotion is happening, you just slink out unnoticed. Essentially, you start the commotion and then duck when it's in full swing. You can also start throwing food, glasses, or plates, and as people try to clean up and control you, you can sneak off.

Don’s problem was that the restaurant owners started to recognize him. Tom assumes that Western Maine is not that large of an area, but Don says they had a lot of great seafood places, so he had to start using disguises. He took Oldzonareveren, an aging drug that was used in the film President Baseball. Brenda Fraser took it for his role, but he got stuck due to not taking a full dosage of the reversal drug, Youngoproxin. Don would use Oldzonaravern to pretend that he had Oldtimer’s disease, and then use Youngoproxin to pretend he was a young runaway. Tom questions his use of “Oldtimer’s Disease”. Don says it’s where you forget stuff, and tells Tom to start reading the newspaper. Tom never struck Don as being aware of current events as evidenced by his diorama. Tom tells him it’s Alzheimer’s, but Don says it’s Oldtimer’s because you get it when you’re an old timer. Don declares “same old Tom!”, and Tom let’s the issue skate because he doesn’t think they will get past it.

Don says that sometimes it’s as simple as eating the food, going to the bathroom, and blowing out the window to split unnoticed into the night. Tom wonders how he can get out of the narrow emergency window that often has bars across it. Don says that most of the windows in Western Maine did not have bars, and he would strip off his clothes, oil himself up, and slide through it. It’s worth it even though your back often gets badly scraped. Tom finds it bizarre that he would endure such an escape to avoid paying for food that he ate. One time, Don was at The Crab Menagerie, and the owner was really onto him, stationing employees in front of the bathroom to block his exit. Don looked all around the restaurant and saw a guy that was really tan. He hatched a plan to pretend that he dropped his wallet under the table like he was going to pay, and he quickly called the cops on his cell phone to tell them that a Arab terrorist was in the restaurant. The authorities came storming in and Don went out the side door amidst the confusion. Tom thinks it's terrible to call in a false terrorist alert and force a guy just trying to eat to be questioned. Don says they did more than that and thinks he's still in Gitmo. Don sort of feels bad about it -- the guy was Frank Miller, who was tan after just returning from a vacation in Boca Raton. But Don justifies sending a man to prison because he did get that soup, that half sandwich, and a small, warm water for free. Tom is baffled that he went through all that trouble to avoid paying for food that must have cost about $5. Don says it was a special for $2.99. Tom wants to know why he’s drinking warm water, and Don explains that if he drinks cold water, then it’s too pleasurable. When things are too pleasurable, you get complacent, and that's when things really go wrong. His dad taught him that.

Don says the warm water is terrible, but cold water would activate the pleasure sensors and make you seek more pleasure. Warm water does not make you seek pleasure because you haven’t felt it yet. Don says he did enjoy parts of the crab bisque, specifically the crab. Tom is appalled and disagrees full-on with having someone wrongly sent to federal jail. Speaking of federal stuff, the real reason Don came back is too look after his poor uncle, Montgomery Davies, who is not doing well after getting caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing. Tom tells him that he spoke to Judge Davies about an incident that got him disbarred. Don wonders if the subject of Paul Simon came up, and Tom says he did mention Simon. Don says he’s on a total Simon kick, always humming “Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard”, but he thinks it’s “Me and Julie …” He can’t wrap his mind around the fact that it’s a guy singing about a guy. Don says that Montgomery got his first device while in the Navy and couldn’t put it down. He gave Don a device made from hickory and creosote for his 18th birthday, explaining that Don couldn’t start with one of the top models because it would be too pleasurable. Don says he never got that into it, and Tom thinks that’s a positive sign.

Don reveals that he's been sleeping under Tom's hybrid car for the past week. Tom wants to know how and why. The Newbridge Hotel Association has been mad at Don ever since he returned. Tom wants to know if their anger is based on similar actions he has taken with the restaurant industry. Don answers by saying that he also publishes a magazine called Sleep and Split. With a circulation of 43,000, it's a bit more popular than The Freedom Eater, and it features stories on the best way to sneak into hotel rooms. Don says that the best method is to hover around outside in the hallway, making yourself really unknown. When the person who stayed there comes out with all their baggage, you rush behind them very quietly (sneakers required) and stick your foot in the door. You go in, before the maid has cleaned the room. You then hide under the bed until the maid cleans up the room. At that point, you do something to mess the room up enough so that when new guests enter the room, they see it and immediately leave to request another room. Tom doesn’t even want to know what Don does to the room. Don says that you can be certain that you will have the room to yourself because "no one wants to come and clean that stuff up.”

Tom wonders how he gets in and out, and Don says you have to stay all night because you have no key. Don says you can’t watch TV because someone would know you are in there, so he just sits there in silence. Tom thinks he’s going through a lot of trouble, but Don says it's worth it becase it’s free. Tom wants to know what types of rooms he's targeting for his "Sleep and Split" tactics. Don does this at the $20/night room at the places on Motel Row. These are not top-tier accomodations, so Don mainly does it for the satisfaction of not having paid. Tom wants to know why he’s so cheap, but Don doesn't think he is.

He thinks things have changed in Newbridge, such as Muffler Row, which has gone from 10 shops to 35 shops. Tom agrees it’s more rough, but Don also thinks parts are more friendly. He met Werner, a super-nice German guy, in front the old Lady Foot Locker. Don thinks Tom probably knows him because he said he was a known guy around town. Tom knows him from the loading docks at Consolidated Cardboard. Don confirms that he looks like Rutger Hauer, but shorter with blond hair and a black mustache. Don thinks he's great, but Tom always thought he was a little scary. Don was dashing out of Newbridge Diner and ran right into Werner while he was trying to unlock a bike from a post because he said he lost his key. Don helped him free the bike, and he was kind enough to give Don some cookies he just baked. Tom thinks it’s good that Don could eat something without engaging in theft. Don said they had a special sugar sprinkled on them that Werner said he’d love. He was right -- Don felt really good after eating the cookies and got a surge of energy. Tom goes out on a limb and says the topping may have been cocaine.

Werner gave Don some more cookies, and now Don can’t get enough of them. Tom tells Don that Werner got him addicted to coke. Now Werner is telling Don that he has to buy them, but they’re really expensive. Werner says that Don can have as many as he wants if he helps his brother Rutager move a bunch of rolls of old carpet from this storage place to the dump out by Mellow Grove. Tom tells Don that in movies when you move rolled up carpet there is usually a dead body within. Don says it’s all coming together because Werner told him that one of the rolls would be really light, but it would be heavier later. As he said this, he was poking his finger into Don’s chest as if to make the point that it could be Don. Tom said he would be extremely worried by Werner’s comment. Don is torn because on the on the one hand, he wants to live, but on the other hand, he craves more of those cookes. Tom says these are the words of an addict.

Don wants Tom to do him a favor. if he doesn’t come back alive, he left some stuff under Tom’s car that he’d really rather people not find. He lied about not being into the device, and tells Tom that he left a device he crafted from crabmeat and aluminum under his vehicle. Instead of the fishing line, it uses coated, industrial-strength string, and the timer goes to 57 instead of the standard 50. In other words, it’s a good one. Don hears Rutager’s horn honking for him outside, and asks Tom to pray for him not to get killed. Tom says it was nice catching up with him and agrees to say a prayer. Don wants to make sure that Tom wasn’t lying about not having the "Where’s the Beef" shirt. He wants to go to his grave knowing the truth. Don signs off: “Hope to smell ya sometime soon.”

Bombay The Hard Way - "Theme From Don"

- Jon in Lawrenceville calls (starts at 2:49), taking a break from watching the Yankees vs. Mariners game on the YES Network. He's not particularly happy about the Yankees being down two runs, but he is excited by the much-anticipated debut of Jeff Karstens.

Jon’s a long-time fan of the show, but when he listens at home, his wife does not care for it. He’s not sure what to do. Tom wants to know what what the main objection is, and the best he can figure out is that she simply doesn’t like the program. Jon's wife, Nicole, takes the phone. She wants to attend a couples workshop/orientation to get more clued into it The Best Show univese. Tom wants to know what hits her ears in the wrong way. She loves the background music for the mic breaks as an entrée into the show, but it's hard for her to articulate the specifics of what she doesn't like. She does like Tom, who seems like a nice gentlemen. She suspects it could be Philly Boy Roy, and Tom points out that her husband is a PBR fan. As newlyweds, she needs to learn about his interests. Otherwise, he will stray and she will lose him.

She has heard many bits and pieces, although maybe not an entire show from start to finish. Having listened to most of tonight's show, Tom wants her to list things she did not enjoy about it. She did not like the lighthouse foghorn sound, and, in general, she just can’t navigate it -- she can’t go with the show and stick with it. She requests a recommendation for a show to help her get in tune with what the show is all about. She would also be interested in an online episode guide. Tom suggests that she register for the FOT board and post her dilemma to seek help from the FOT Support Network. She feels a glimmer of hope, which has since turned into some legitimate progress:

- Louie the Liverpudlian calls (starts at 2:55) from London, saying, “It’s always a pleasure to talk to you, Timothy.” He was excited to get the greenlight, but does little to justify it. Tom cuts off a story about doing crowd control for a local band and recommends that he listen to Bill Zurat so he can get healed by three hours of music. Louie says “Hey, Tommy, you know what?” and gets Tom by hanging up.

- Freddy D from Danielson calls (starts at 2:57) in the home stretch as he walks up Broad Street past the Walk of Fame. He missed most of the show tonight due to celebrating his 13th birthday. Having finished his schooling at Drexel, he's now a grown-up. He got some computer business kind of job, but it’s nothing worth discussing on the air since he can't even pretend to make it sound interesting.

Tom wants to know if he will get him into the Danielson show with the Flaming Lips. Tom is willing to wear the blue jumpsuit. Freddy wants to make a deal with Tom. He will get him into the show if Tom can fulfill his one and only birthday wish: PBR singing "Happy Birthday". Unfortunately, the request qualifies as payola, so Tom can’t accept it. Tom is not allowed to benefit from this radio program since it is on a non-commercial station and Tom is a moral man. Freddy suggests some kind of backroom deal. Tom declares Freddy the black sheep of the family and suggests that they have him run around on stage with a devil costume. Freddy wasn’t too happy about Tom ribbing him a couple of weeks ago for ditching the crud shows like Kichener, but showing up for the Lips gigs. Freddy says he would have improved those shows had he been there for he is the Danielson "X-factor".

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom plays Wet Rat's cover of King Diamond's "No Presents For Christmas", Legion and Louie The Liverpudlian have a lively debate on the future of the Labour party, and Werner calls to give listeners his cookie recipe.

Take a seat, Langley kids. Let the true masters do their work. I, of course, am referring to Flying Horses, a Japanese Paul McCartney and Wings tribute band:

Posted by Omar at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments

Nobody commits like Ferrell.

(Too bad the record sounds like the kind of thing that's been on the shelf since 1999. Why couldn't it have been a full stand-up album?)

Posted by x amount at 9:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 12:27 PM | Permalink | Comments

An artistic haven in Marfa, TX.

Posted by Omar at 12:26 PM | Permalink | Comments

A few weeks ago, Axl Rose paid a surprise visit (the best kind!) to a cancer ward in London. While I don't doubt that it was a sincere, thoughtful attempt to give the kids some joy, one has to question the decision to use the photo-op as a way to lobby for a role in Michael Mann's Miami Vice II.

CLICK FOR LARGER IMAGERY!

[via SOMB]

Posted by Omar at 4:40 PM | Permalink | Comments

Bruce Dickinson has graciously taken time out his busy aviation schedule to provide ferocious vocals for the new Iron Maiden record, the third and finest of the impressive Bruce-reunion era. The leadoff track, "A Different World", boasts the album's catchiest chorus, and "The Pilgrim" is classic Maiden giddy-up.

Iron Maiden - "A Different World"

Iron Maiden - "The Pilgrim"

( Click here to UP THE IRONS and pre-order A Matter of Life and Death)

Bonus Track:

Iron Maiden - "Reach Out" (Somewhere In Time-era b-side w/ Adrian Smith on lead vocals)

Posted by Omar at 1:07 PM | Permalink | Comments

IF YOU CAN’T SEE MY MIRRORS, I CAN’T SEE YOU.

(I’m not trying to be petty. It’s just that my small collection of delicate, handcrafted mirrors means a lot to me, you uncaring jerk.)

Posted by x amount at 9:31 AM | Permalink | Comments

SHAC's got a splendid new site. Bring on the wallpapers please.

Posted by x amount at 10:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 9:29 PM | Permalink | Comments

George Saunders proclaims no more fussing around.

----------

Previous GS fun on Recidivism:

Dumb and Dumber.

This I have to see.

Sean O’Brien killed 15 people with his red hair flaming.

274 / 500.

Rimney says it's just like Giff to let an unemployed Jew borrow his ass.

Posted by Omar at 3:03 PM | Permalink | Comments

How does one remix a classic cut-n-paste track? Get a bunch of the original records, add some new but still pertinent vocal samples (or Sisqo), and update the scratch techniques. Amazingly both the ’89 Skratch Gangstaz (DJ Pone & Snayk Eyez) and the Scratch Perverts (2-time DMC Team Champs) update classic cut-n-paste tracks - by Double Dee & Steinski and Grandmaster Flash respectively - without ruining them. Neither are necessarily better than the originals, but they're both entertaining.

’89 Skratch Gangstaz - Extra Credit (Lesson 3 Remix) (Amazon)
Scratch Perverts - Adventures On The Wheels Of Steel (Amazon)

Posted by DOP at 8:13 AM | Permalink | Comments

"In my first fight, I try to wax on, wax off. That doesn't help when the guy is roundhouse-kick-onning and roundhouse-kick-offing my face."

Posted by Omar at 6:41 PM | Permalink | Comments

Blah blah blah, regular old news article with an old dude going on about how there's gonna be a huge hurricane someday, but then! This!:

"The subways are going to flood. Some people might think 'Hey, I'll go into the subways and I'll be safe.' No, they are going to flood."

Posted by x amount at 5:23 PM | Permalink | Comments

I BUY UGLY HOUSES!

(Like tons of them. I can't help myself. Everybody's bought at least one ugly house in the past.)

Posted by x amount at 2:10 PM | Permalink | Comments

Owes a bit to Demetri Martin, but an A from Moe Dee for sticking to themes.

Posted by x amount at 8:15 AM | Permalink | Comments

"I'm in the church and I’ve come / To claim you with my iron drum." -- John Cale, "Paris 1919"

"How did I not hear about this until yesterday? What rock have I been living under?" -- Tom wondering how he missed the Snakes on a Plane buzz

"Yeah, it did have its moments -- its moments of abject torture and its moments of just straight-up torture." -- Tom, making a few clarifications on a Clerks II review

"You’re a Dave Kingman of comedy." -- A caller comparing Tom to the erratic slugger

"Finally got convicted?" -- Tom, speculating on why Fred's going away

"I want nothing to do with Facebook." -- Tom, distancing himself from the social networking portal

"I’m somebody who’s suffered throughout my life with what is known as 'flagrant acne'" -- Tom, doing a spot for Proactiv skin care

"When you’ve puffed as tuff as I puffed the other day, it’s all a blur." -- Bryce on his inability to distinguish Elvis racing films

"You have no right to tell your child anything." -- Tom, noted baby expert, advising against outfitting a newborn with a Black Flag t-shirt

"I would be surprised if there was actually a human ever named Steve Grayson in all of time." -- Tom on the scientifically white Elvis character name in 1968's Speedway

"If money is no object, we won’t object." -- Anything, Inc's catchy slogan that also appears on mugs

"Look at me, dear sir, look at me!" -- Bradford Hottenstein, alerting Andrew Carnegie to an imminent unicycle plunge into a pile of horse excrement

"He needed that dough to keep those tanks a rollin'." -- Brian Hottenstein on why Hitler agreed to a 1940 fitness challenge with Pope Pius XII

"$78 million dollars buys a lot of silence. Even says that in Ye Olde Scripture." -- Brian Hottenstein on Anything, Inc's hush-hush, murderous recreation of Road House

"Pardon the pun, it’s a real stinker." -- Brian Hottenstein on the script for Dr. Reginald Spearmint and His Magical Fart Machine

"Well, I hope you don’t mind that toxic branding iron, then." -- Brian Hottenstein, warning Tom about Hot Rockin' Ronnie's assault on his bare buttocks

"I think you may want to get away from the starches." -- Tom recommends that the sluggish Eric from New Paltz lay off the tots

"I acted like I was making a pizza." -- Jimbo, on how he handled some aggressive romance in his latest Lighthouse Confession

"You wake up and you do work." -- Anne, on her daily homeschooling routine

"Follow our lead, we’re doing pretty good here with the words." -- Tom, advising New Zealand to cease referring to gasoline as "petrol"

[TBSOWFMU - 8/15/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Three For Tuesday Times Two:

The Clean - "Drawing To A Hole"
The Clean - "Big Soft Punch"
The Clean - "Twist Top"

( Click here to buy Anthology)

Let's Active - "Waters Part" (from Cypress)
Let's Active - "Fell" (from Big Plans For Everybody)
Let's Active - "Sweepstakes Winner" (from Every Dog Has Its Day)

( Click here to buy Let's Active recordings)

Bonus Track:

A Sunny Day In Glasgow - "Game of Pricks" (Guided By Voices cover)

( Click here to buy The Sunniest Day Ever ep)

Annotated highlights of The Kid trying to do it all without "the invisible hand" holding it down on the other side of the glass:

I'm pleased to announce that Kern Pharmaceuticals is now the official sponsor of the Youse Are On Notice series. Before agreeing to the deal, I had a sit-down with Maurice Kern and several other Citizens for a True Democracy patriots, their furrowed brows obscured by thick plumes of cigar smoke. I'm pretty sure I saw one guy do a rail. In a nutshell, I was concerned that he had an alterior motive -- to seize a portion of the recaps to promote his right-wing political agenda. Mr. Kern assured me that I would "pretty much" be able to continue to put people on notice with "minimal corporate interference".

He also sweetened the deal by offering me a 30% discount on all Kern drugs and free samples of the first test runs of the new Chocolapocalypse, a 25-layer "dessert tower" made from Scharffen Berger dark chocolate, covered with a thick Dulce de leche glaze, surrounded by fudge-injected strawberries courtesy of The Fudge Tub, and topped with an edible Donald Rumsfeld figurine. The active ingredient is a retooled version of Cellumorph made with Splenda® and fermented orangutan urine. Hopefully Earl will remember to ship the requisite pre-consumption pills.

Kern Pharmaceuticals Presents: YAON #4

Phone Line Update: Tom received the new bill for the exclusive number, and he's going broke because the cost has soared to upwards of $3,700 for each call. Why so pricey? Because the high-end, solid-platinum cables cannot be strung along the standard phone lines. They also cannot be buried underground because they'd be stolen by cable trolls. Consequently, people line up in 20-foot increments to hold the cables from the Audioarts Engineering R60 mixing board all the way to the phone company.

- Tom heard about (starts at 24:09) the weirdest movie coming out this week. The film is called Snakes on aPlane, and it's title also serves as the premise and plot. Snakes. On a plane. That's it. The film stars Samuel L. Jackson (Loaded Weapon 1, Trees Lounge), who will fight these snakes. While on a plane. Hence the title. Tom thinks it's some kind of action film, but it also looks funny. He's intrigued and vows to find out more.

- Listener Almighty Drew from Clifton calls (starts at 27:53) and wants to talk about SoaP. However, Tom wants him to first take a moment to let the concept truly sink in: Snakes. On a plane. Drew found out about the film by seeing the trailer before a Clerks II screening. He thought it looked terrible. Tom asks for his take on the latest Smith opus, and Drew seemed mixed, noting that it "had its moments." He's GOMPed. Tom agrees with everything he said except for his failure to note that it had moments of abject torture and also moments of just straight-up torture.

- Jeff in Middletown calls (starts 29:31) to point out that the reason SoaP looks so awful is that the filmmakers didn't even take it seriously. Tom wonders if it’s one of these Hot Shots! Part Deux spoof movies. Jeff’s not sure, but he does tell Tom about the film’s Internet backstory. Jeff says that an intense buzz erupted once people caught wind of the film's title floating around the blogosphere and movie news sites. Around the same time, Samuel L. Jackson heard about it and called the director to see if it was real. It was, and he wanted to star in it. It evolved into a giant, Internet-based phenomenon with the film's producers even using dialogue written by fans, not unlike the audience-feuled improv laffer, Whose Line Is It Anyway?. While he's not 100% sure about his infomation, Jeff mentions that Jackson supposedly refused to appear in the film if the title was changed. (Jeff's right -- at one point, the dull Pacific Air Flight 121 was considered).

Tom did not hear anything about it until yesterday and wonders what rock he's been living under. Jeff's surprised because news on the film has been circulating on the Internet for such a long time. To quote the God of Thunder from last week, it seems like Tom has not been in front of any media devices in the last year!

A model of consistency: Tom Scharpling is the Rip Hamilton of radio

- A caller (starts at 31:34) doesn’t give a “rat’s butt” about SoaP, but he does pretty much agree with Tom's assessment of Clerks II. In fact, he thinks the film is much like Tom's humor, which has a success ratio similar to Dave Kingman. The power-hitting Kingman amassed 442 home runs in his 16 years on the diamond, but will never get anywhere near the Hall of Fame due to a dreadful .242 lifetime average and 1,816 strikeouts. The caller believes that Tom, like Mr. Kingman, strikes out a lot, but does belt the occasional long ball. While he thinks Tom’s “fake stuff” like the Marky Ramone calls is “really nerdy", he praises Tom's ability to come up with concepts like the popular Build A Movie Game, where callers challenge Tom to cook up impromptu plots starring the likes of Manute Bol and Judd Hirsch. The caller thinks this stuff is hilarious, but ultimately dubs Tom a "Dave Kingman of comedy." Tom forcefully disputes the truthiness of the comparison.

- Fred calls (starts at 32:49) to warn Tom that he's going away, man. Tom wonders if he finally got convicted, but Fred says he is voluntarily leaving the country (probably to elude pending drug charges). Tom guesses that Fred is headed to Iraq, but he's going to Israel to visit his mother. Fred says she's been a resident of Israel her whole life aside from a two-week jaunt to the US. Fred grew up here, so Tom wants to know if he even knows his mother. Fred claims that he does and finds the question silly: "Do I know her? She's my mother, man." This, of course, raises a lot of questions, but Fred quickly shifts the conversation to a favor he needs from Tom. Before he departs for the Middle East, he wants Tom to do him a solid by playing his favorite song ever: Harry Nilsson's "The Beehive State" from Nilsson Sings Newman. He wants Tom to spin the record so that people will remember Fred. Tom actually pulled some Nilsson for the show, so he tells Fred he'll see what he can do. (He ended up meeting him halfway by playing "Me and My Arrow".)

Fred gets who he wants, not what he wants:

Harry Nilsson - "Gotta Get Up"
Harry Nilsson - "Are You Sleeping?"

Emerson attendee David Cross, child brainiac Bob Odenkirk, and some Republican chat about college

- Chris from Basking Ridge (starts at 34:47) calls to tell Tom about the legions of obsessed SoaP fans matriculating at Emerson college, a notorious nerd haven in Boston. One of the school's sketch troupes, Zebro, even devoted an entire show to the crazy film. Chris also mentions the music contest that gave fans a chance to get their tunes on the soundtrack. Speaking of music, Chris thanks Tom for playing some John Cale in his opening set. He always expects the best from Tom, and Tom always delivers. Tom reminds him that he’s like Dave Kingman, only delivering the occasional home run. Chris is not sure who Kingman is, but he's certain that Tom’s better. Tom gives him a quick Kingman backgrounder, and Chris says that the show has been consistently top-shelf in the past year he's been listening. Chris concludes that Tom has no peers and the show is untouchable.

In addition to promoting the podcast to try to keep it alive, Chris started an FOT global group on Facebook. Tom’s working on a movie, which is a take-off on the just-released comedy, Accepted. In that film, a group of teens are frustrated by being rejected from so many colleges, so they create their own fake school. In Tom’s version, guys in their mid-40s start a college to get access to Facebook's stash of 20-year-old girls. Chris mentions that Facebook recently expanded to include work groups so corporate guys can now befriend drunk soriority girls. Tom decides he wants nothing to do with Facebook, and Chris will look into shutting it down.

John Cale - "Paris 1919"

- Tom has to take up some show time (starts at 40:04) to use the station's high-quality equipment to record a voice-over advertisement:

Hi, my name’s Tom Scharpling, and I’m a user of Proactiv skin care as well. I’m somebody who’s suffered throughout my life with what is known as “flagrant acne”, and it’s very embarrassing to be photographed, like I’m photographed, and to see the pictures in the paper and online, and my face looks like it exploded. So a friend of mine turned me on to the Proactiv skin care treatment program, and I gave it a shot. It’s a three-stage program and I instantly got results, and my skin cleared up right away. So I will stand behind the Proactiv skin treatment and let everyone know that if you’ve got flagrant acne, it’s a great way …

Tom stops because he thinks he sounds too much like an announcer. He's pretty sure that the Proactiv people preferred an "off-the-cuff", conversational feel. Tom needs to find out more about how he’s supposed to read the copy and will redo it at “a later date”, as they say in the industry. It probably wouldn't hurt to consult voice-over legend Kendrick Martin for some pointers. Or Kelly Clarkson!

- John in NJ calls (starts at 43:08) to let Tom know that The Mountain Goats frontman John Darnielle recently spoke Tom's praises at a show in Seattle. Tom wants to hear every word of the singer's pro-Tom oratory. Darnielle talked about Tom’s conversation with The Gorch, incorporating “Yeah, and then I hit him with a chain" into his between-song stage banter. Tom will take the guy from The Mountain Goats over that Kingman chowderhead all the live long day. I think Darnielle should up the ante and sport the shirt at shows. Buy it here!

The Mountain Goats - "This Year"

- Tom says (starts at 45:44) that there will likely be another personal appearance after next week’s show. Last week’s event at The Exchange Place PATH Station was a raging success -- seven people came to ride the escalators up and down and up and down. While the attendance figure does not sound super-impressive, Tom was pleased that he gave the announcement and people heeded his call. As promised, Mike the Associate Producer gave out candy bars. Tom also got to meet loyal FOT T-Rocks and his two buddies. Due to the recent terror flare-up, Tom thinks a venue change may be required. He got the sense that PATH security were keeping a close eye on the group. It will look very suspicious if a cluster of people are seen aimlessly riding the escalators in a mass transit depot. The new meeting spot may be a diner, which would allow FOTs to feast on handburgers.

Aggressively caucasian: Mike McCoy (Elvis Presley) gets some advice on the big race.

- Tom launches (starts at 49:18) a quick, new game to serve as a bagatelle, a mere trifle to get the ball rolling for the show. It's also not for the faint of heart. Tom doesn't reveal the particulars until a caller is on the line to prevent players from poking around the Intronet for the correct answers. With the first player on the line, Tom provides the game's unwhitteable -- yet still quite catchy -- title: Elvis Presley Movie Character Names: Real or Fake. Tom believes that these scientifically white character names are the dumbest names in the history of anything. The rules of the game are simple: Tom provides a character name, and the player must determine if it’s legit or if Tom made it up.

NOTE: Tom thought the game would be a fun summer diversion, but declared it a flop at one point. During the show, Tom got in an email fight with a listener who thought the game was stupid and not interesting to the show's fanbase.

Player: (Name Unknown)

Character Name: Charlie Rogers
Response: Fake
Answer: Real -- Roustabout (1964)

Player: Bryce

Bryce appears to be in good spirits, a state that he attributes to "puffin’ tuff". Tom is not familiar with the terminology, and Bryce is surprised that he’s never dropped PT on Tom in a prior convo. He tells Tom that they need to puff tuff together sometime. Bryce is strapped in and ready to play:

Character Name: Mike Simmons
Response: Real; thought it was the character from Change of Habit, but that was Dr. John Carpenter
Answer: Fake

Character Name: Mike McCoy
Response: Real; feels like he just saw it the other day.
Answer: Real -- Spinout (1966). Bryce thought it was the character from Speedway. The many Elvis racecar movies became a blur because of the amount of tuff puffs he did.

Character Name: Doug Whitehead
Response: “That can’t be real, man.”
Answer: Fake

Tom thinks Bryce is pretty good at the game, and Bryce thinks Tom should buy him some puffs to tuff as a reward for his skilled play. He wants to meet Tom behind the Lady Foot Locker at 1 a.m. for the drop-off. Tom can’t make it down there tonight, so Bryce offers to reschedule to tomorrow night because he’s pretty much there whenever. Bryce has taken up residency in the the Lady Foot Locker, building a hut out of old, discarded New Balance shoes. He wants Tom to guess what he does inside the hut. Tom correctly guesses puffs tuff and sarcastically suggests that it was difficult to come up with the correct answer. Bryce feels like Tom is being kind of a jerk. Tom’s say he's trying not to, but Bryce believes that he’s not trying hard enough because that’s how he’s coming off. Bryce becomes enraged, calls Tom a creep, and hangs up.

- A caller breaks up the Elvis game (starts at 55: 35) to ask Tom for some baby advice. (I assume Mike Healy recommended Tom.) The caller's wife is pregnant and due any day. Everyone is talking about giving the baby band t-shirts, such as Black Sabbath, Black Flag, Sonic Youth, and White Reign. While the parents like those bands, they aren’t sure if the newborn will enjoy them. Little-known fact: 78% of toddlers prefer Rollins-era Black Flag according to a recent study published in the August 2006 issue of the Newbridge Journal of Child Development. In the same issue, Tom has an interesting article called "The Art of the Lullaby: 15 Can't-Miss Hits To Soothe The Pain of Teething and Help Your Child Sleep Through The Night".

Anyhoo, the caller wants to know if they should push the clothing on the child. Tom doesn’t think he should push anything on the child because the child should make all of its own decisions. The caller’s wife also takes this position. Tom thinks that parents have no right to tell the child anything and should have no influence at all. The caller says that it sounds like Tom is suggesting that the parents have no teaching role in the child's life. Tom says that is correct -- unless the child explicity says "teach me", the parents should not make any attempts at education. The caller says his wife will be pleased to hear this, and Tom says that the child will be the scourge of us all if they follow his instructions.

Elvis Presley Movie Character Names: Real or Fake resumes:

Player: Dennis in Monticello, NY

Character Name: Scott Heyward
Response: [N/A] After saying, “Whatever question you got, throw it at me”, Dennis failed to respond. Dunce.

Player: Nick from Hattiesburg, MS

Character Name: Scott Heyward
Response: Fake
Answer: Real -- Clambake (1967)

Character Name: Kurt Richards
Response: Real
Answer: Fake -- Tom made it up today

Character Name: Tom Wilson
Response: Real
Answer: Real -- also in Clambake (Scott Heyward switches places with a ski instructor named Tom Wilson so they can get a taste of each other’s lives)

Player: Brett in Austin, TX

Character Name: Vince Everett
Response: Real
Answer: Real -- Jailhouse Rock (1957)

Character Name: Greg Nolan
Response: Fake
Answer: Real -- Live a Little, Love a Little (1968)

Player: Tommy in Basking Ridge

Character Name: Joe Lightcloud
Response: Fake
Answer: Real -- Stay Away Joe (1968)

Character Name: Troy Rogan
Response: Fake
Answer: Fake

Character Name: Guy Lambert
Response: Real
Answer: Real -- Double Trouble (1967)

Player: Bob in Middletown

Character Name: Glenn Tyler
Response: Fake
Answer: Real -- (1961)

Character Name: Roger Campbell
Response: Fake
Answer: Fake

Player: John in Cedar Grove, NJ

Character Name: Toby Kwimper
Response: Fake
Answer: Real -- Follow That Dream (1962)

Character Name: Ross Carpenter
Response: Fake
Answer: Real -- Girls, Girls, Girls (1962)

Tom: “1962 was a good year for bad names in Elvis Presley movies.”

Player: Tom from Brooklyn

Character Name: Walter Hale
Response: Fake
Answer: Real -- The Trouble with Girls (1969)

Character Name: Mike Edwards
Response: Fake
Answer: Real - It Happened at the World’s Fair

Tom puts the game back in the toybox, but not before marveling at a few more examples of Elvis's extreme cinematic whiteness: Steve Grayson* (Speedway), Chad Gates (Blue Hawaii, and Jimmy Tompkins (Loving You).

*Tom would be surprised if anyone in human history actually had this name.

- Tom experiences some technical issues, which the caller (starts at 1:23) refers to as "phone tomfoolery". Tom explains that there are some glitches with the new phone system, and the caller finds it "fascinating". The caller claims that he wasn’t being sarcastic at all, but Tom's not so sure. The caller doesn’t want to get off on the wrong foot, so Tom cleans the slate and they start over with a more cordial introduction.

It’s Brian Hottenstein, calling to check on Tom’s availability to appear in a photo spread for a Rolling Stone article called “DJ Nation". The article will highlight the best and most happening radio DJs in the country. Tom's up for it. Brian wants to know much Tom wants for appearing in the photo shoot. Tom didn’t think people got paid for that. Brian said that normally you don’t receive any compensation, but he then explains the concept of the picture. Tom will appear in a photo with another DJ -- Mr. Ronald “Tex” Fuqua from FM 103 in El Paso, TX. Tom knows Fuqua, who often uses the moniker "Hot Rockin’ Ronnie". In the picture, Fuqua will be applying an “HRR” brand into one of Tom’s bare buttocks. Tom wonders why.

Brian says the caption for the picture will read: “Hot Rockin’ Ronnie Fuqua takes down another lame DJ: WUFM DJ, Tom “The Squid” Scharpling." Tom thinks the text is inaccurate for 100 reasons. He doesn’t believe that Fuqua’s taking him down in reality -- their rivalry is a thing of the past because he’s fallen off the map. Tom also wants to know why Rolling Stone would want to write about a DJ from El Paso. Brian says that everybody has their price, and that Mr. Fuqua is paying the magazine $200,000 to run the piece. Tom bills the piece as a “fake article”, but Brian prefers not to use that term. Fuqua has money to burn after inheriting $500,000 from an uncle who just croaked. With that kind of cash, anything is possible when you hire Anything, Inc., a company that Brian co-owns. Tom thinks it’s some kind of PR firm, but Brian explains that they provide facilitators who make things happen. Brian reveals the company motto: “If money is no object, we won’t object.” Tom thinks it’s catchy; Brian says they also print it on mugs.

Tom doesn’t understand why he’s repping Fuqua for a magazine spread, but Brian says that he wants to make it happen and that’s what they do. Brian mentions some other things that Anything, Inc. can make happen:

* The production of 100 copies of the new Thom Yorke album with full artwork on eight-track tape.

* Reconfiguring your den into an exact replica of your junior-high locker room complete with shower, locker, urinals, and your actual gym coach.

* Removing somebody’s appendix even though you’ve had no medical training at all.

* Going camping for a month in the Alaskan wilderness with Henry Winker, Maya Angelou, and Ace Frehley.

Tom wants to know how they make these things happen since they sound like elaborate projects. Brian repeats the company's guiding principle: everyone has their price. They’ve already completed the transfer of Yorke's The Eraser to eight-track cassette. A store in Tokyo that specializes in eight tracks ordered 100 copies, and each tape cost $700 to manufacture. Tom thinks it sounds extremely expensive, but Brian says that if you’re into it, it’s totally worth it since "it’s only money." Brian facilitated this just like his great grandfather intended them to do it.

Bradford Hottenstien started the company in 1902. In a nutshell, he was a poor day laborer working on Andrew Carnegie’s estate in Pittsburgh. One day, he overhead Mr. Carnegie tell a friend how joyous it would be to watch a grown man dressed as a young boy ride a unicycle into a massive pile of horse excrement. Carnegie noted that he would pay $100 to witness the spectacle. Bradford leapt at the opportunity because he was a go-to guy. If he felt it, he did it. Bradford snuck off the grounds, knocked a passing man off a unicycle, mugged a young boy walking home from school, and took his clothes.

Brian asks Tom to imagine Mr. Carnegie’s surprise when he heard his great-grandfather’s voice coming from the stable area: “Look at me, dear sir, look at me!” At this point in his life, Mr. Carnegie felt that walking was beneath him, so he was carried to the stable area and placed about 10 feet from the massive pile of horse dung, which was about to be used as fertilizer. When Bradford came riding out on the unicycle and dove headfirst into the pile, Mr. Carnegie is said to have collapsed in a fit of laughter. From there on out, Bradford was Mr. Carnegie’s go-to guy. Mr. Carnegie also requested additional facilitations, such as eating a salad made of pages from a rare version of the King James Bible and watching Wilbur and Orville Wright pilot an exact replica of their plane made out of mazipan. Bradford passed his go-gettiness down to his son, who passed it down to his son, who passed it down to Brad, who now runs Anything, Inc.

Brian mentions another landmark facilitation that his great grandfather did for Ty Cobb. In 1926, Cobb hired him to engineer an incredible event. In a flight of whimsical fancy, the wealthy Cobb decided that he wanted to see a zeppelin filled with strawberry preserves collide with a zeppelin filled with whipped cream while they flew in the airspace above a regulation, minor league baseball field (with a game about to be played on it) made of sponge cake. The zeppelins exploded, and the entire contents spilled out to create the world’s biggest strawberry shortcake.

This successful event was one of Bradford’s claims to fame, but not the only one. In 1940, Howard Hughes hired the company to stage a fitness challenge between Adolph Hitler and Pope Pius XII. Tom thinks that Hitler was too busy to participate at this time, but Brian reminds Tom that everybody has a price. Brian explains that Hitler "needed that dough to keep those tanks a rollin'." Tom’s horrified that Anything, Inc. would accept Hitler's money, but Brian corrects him -- the company paid Hitler on behalf of Mr. Hughes. The competition events included pull-ups, push-ups, an obstacle course, rope climb, and sit-ups. Brian says that truth be told, both Hitler and Pope Pius XII were terrible. Hitler earned a $2 million payday, and the Pope got $1.5 million, although he thought that he got the same as Hitler. Tom thinks it’s disgusting. Brian says that what’s odder is that it was filmed. Tom wonders why he’s never heard of it before. Brian explains that the lone copy was cremated with Hughes when he died.

Brian goes out on a limb and bets that Tom thinks the last show the four original Beatles played together was on the rooftop of the Apple building in London on 1/30/69. Tom does believe this was their final performance. It wasn’t. Tom’s somewhat of a Beatles buff and says it was clearly their last show. Brian says that Tom’s one of the people on the outside. Brian instructs Tom to strap himself in and prepare to have his mind blown.

In 1978, a Montana billionaire contacted the company to offer $30 million to reform The Beatles for his son’s wedding. The band accepted and played for two hours on a tiny bandstand in an old VFW hall in Butte. Tom doesn’t believe it. Brian doesn’t have it, but one tape does exist. Brian said they sounded pretty good playing Gerry Raferty’s “Baker Street”. Tom's baffled by that song selection, and Brian points out that per the son’s instructions, they only played covers of current songs. They also played Boston's "Don’t Look Back”, an incredibly slow version of Bruce Springsteen's "Something In The Night", and rocked the hardest on Toto's "Hold The Line". Brian was in the room with the man who was playing the tape, but could not make a copy because it would upset the Earth’s axis if it ever got out.

Speaking of things that must be kept on the QT, Brian told Tom that Anything, Inc. just completed two of their biggest undertakings. Microsoft's Bill Gates has always been bothered by his puny, non-imposing physical presence. He plays it like it's not a big deal, but Brian assures Tom that it is. Gates is also a huge fan of Road House, and he hired Anything, Inc. to make him the star of the film. They didn’t film it, but Gates lived it. They bought some land in Idaho and recrated the town in the film. They also hired Sam Elliot, Patrick Swayze, Red West, and Jeff Healy to reprise their roles. John Doe was not available due to his touring schedule, so they replaced him with Bill Bateman, the drummer for The Blasters. Brian notes that he was a pretty good actor.

All of the extras had to live there for the duration of the month-long event, and Brian explains that the atmosphere was less like a movie set and more like a fully-functioning town. The actors had jobs and went to supermarkets, but always had to be in character in case Gates showed up to bully them. Gates played Brad Wesley, Ben Gazzara’s bad guy character, and eventually rolled into town in huge pick-up truck that he drove through a car dealership that Anything, Inc. had set up. On the final day, it all went down in a battle between Gates and Swayze, and it ended the opposite of how it played out in the movie. In the restaging, Mr. Gates killed all the good guys. Tom thinks it’s creepy and wonders what “kill” entails in this elaborate recreation. Brian asks Tom three questions that provide some hints:

1. Have you seen Red West in anything lately?

2. Have you seen any tour dates for The Jeff Healy Band?

3. When was the last time your heard one of those commercials that had Sam Elliot doing his deep voice stuff?

Tom admits that it’s been awhile since he's seen or heard these things. Brian says that the Road House recreation occurred three months ago. While he doesn't explicity say it, the clear suggestion is that these men are dead. Tom wants to know how murder could be allowed, and Brian returns to his familiar refrain about the power of money: “78 million dollars buys a lot of silence.” Brian thinks that this sentiment is even expressed in Ye Olde Scripture.

While this snuff romp was not filmed, Anything, Inc. did film something recently. Brian asks Tom is he recalls the story of the three Indiana factory workers who won a $450 million lottery last year. Tom remembers it, and Brian tells him that Kenny, one of the lucky winners, contacted the company about a film script he wrote. The film is called Dr. Reginald Spearmint and His Magical Fart Machine. Brian said it was not good by any means, and while excusing his pun, declares it a "real stinker."

In a nutshell, it’s about a man named Todd who can’t pass gas, and it ruins his life because he can’t get any relief. One day, he tries to get it happening by eating a can of baked beans, but they are rancid, and he passes out. The next thing he knows, he’s in an underground bunker with a Wizard of Oz-ish guy hovering over him. He straps Todd into a weird contraption that passes gas for him. It changes his life for good, and Todd starts entering contests, eventually becoming a champion gas passer. Brian describes the film as Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory meets the Descendents' Enjoy album.

Kenny wanted it Filmed masterpiece style with Tak Fujimoto as the cinematographer, John Williams doing the score, and three co-directors: Brian DePalma, Marty Scorcese, and Francis Ford Coppola. The directors would not each take an act -- all three would simultaneously direct the entire film. It would be one movie with three massive thumprints -- DePalma's trademark split-screens, Scorcese's reverse zooms, and Coppola's product placement promoting his wines. Brian reveals the impressive cast:

Jim Carrey .......... Todd

Rene Zellwegger .......... The girl Todd wants to impress with his flatulence ability

George “The Animal” Steele .......... Dr. Reginald Spearmint

Robert DeNiro .......... Ratticus, Dr. Spearmint’s half-man / half-pig henchman

GG Allin .......... The Evil Mr. Smear

Mr. Smear has the opposite problem that Todd had. Tom doesn't require any more details. Tom points out that GG Allin has been dead for years, but Brian says that his character was CGI’d into the film. He also notes that he looks better in the film than he did just before he passed on. Tom’s not surprised since he looked terrible before his death. Brian asks Tom if he saw his last show at The Gas Station. Tom wasn’t there, but Brian's nephew, Ricky, was there and punched GG in the shoulder. GG responded by kissing him. Below the belt.

The film features a great battle of the bands scene involving Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers going up against Agnostic Front. Those two bands got through the preliminary rounds, but due to a tie in the voting, they have to play each other's songs in a final contest. Agnostic Front does a thrash version of "Don’t Do Me Like That", while Petty does a folky version of "United Blood". Then, they all jam on a song written especially for the film by Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach. The onomatopoetic title of the song is "FFFFFT". Tom thinks Kenny is insane for coming up with the film project. Brian says he exhausted all but $1 from his lottery winnings and is still looking for distro. People are not drawn to the story despite the top-tier cast. Kenny is currently trying to hit up the other lottery winners to pony up come cash to get the film released into theaters.

Tom tries to wrap up the chat, but Brian wants to know more about the backstory of Mr. Fuqua. Tom says he’s kind of a washed out DJ, and Brian says he seems like a real dink. Fuqua keeps calling Brian "son" in conversations and he hates it. Brian offers Tom some potential facilitations that could eliminate Fuqua. For $85,000, Anything, Inc. could render Fuqua immobile and Tom could deliver the final, killing blow. Tom has no interest. Brian tries to rile Tom by saying that Fuqua called him a "total girl", said he has stinkbreath, and claimed that he requires the aid of a night light to sleep due to recurring nightmares about being chased by Danielle Spencer -- Dee from What’s Happening. This is news to Tom. Fuqua said that in the dream, she’s trying to chase Tom down to give him a hand massage.

For a cut rate of $40,000, Tom would have to chase Fuqua down, but their guy will render him immobile. The event would be shot on VHS instead of DVD. Tom would get the only tape, but he passes. Brian tries one more time with a $10,000 faciliation. In this version, Tom chases down Fuqua, they knock him out, and Tom delivers the final blow. They will tape it on audio cassette, but they can make copies for their own enjoyment. Tom passes, saying he's not interested in killing anyone.

Brian says that he hopes Tom doesn't mind a toxic branding iron. Tom’s not sure what he means. Brian is referring to Fuqua's "HRR" branding iron that will mark his buttocks and cause poison to seep into his body. Tom says that he won’t agree to work for them, but Brian says he already has due to speaking to him over the phone. Brian is calling from Aruba, so Tom’s voice has reached Aruban soil. Tom’s asks if Aruba law stipulates that a phone conversation is a legitimate business contract, and Brian says it's "Aruban" law, calling Tom a dunce. Tom has violated Aruban law. Brian pities him; Tom welcomes the charges. Brian assures him that the smokin' branding iron will leave a toxic impresson on his bare buttocks. Tom looks forward to him trying anything, and Brian says he’ll be there tomorrow with HRR in tow. Tom says it’s not the first time he’s been threatened, and Brian says it will probably be the last threat because his death is forthcoming.

- Convicted Best Show felon Petey calls (starts at 1:54), and Tom makes him recount his crimes and the terms of his resulting sentence. As per one of the terms in the sentence, Petey is making an effort to speak the King's English, but admits that it's difficult. Tom gives him the go-ahed to give listeners a quick taste of the Petey voice for a comparison. Petey claims that he has the Bob Dylan-styled protest song ready to go, but Tom GOMPs him before he can perform it. It was probably for the best. I think Petey should take more than a week to craft this crucial composition.

- Larry the Perv calls (starts at 1:56) to sincerely apologize for not calling recently. He was away on an unplanned trip with a buddy who was about to get married. The buddy's fiancee apparently sent them on the jaunt, and I couldn't make sense of the rest of Larry's low-energy, marble-mouthed tale. I think he said something about the gal not showing up to to the wedding, there. Tom requests some stories from the trip, and Larry says that he met Cheers star Rhea Perlman at a mall. He confirms that she’s as small in person as she is on television. Larry also has some big news -- he's thinking about pursuing college. His attempts at amateur porn production are not working out, and he thinks the reason is his lack of experience and skills in production and directing. He plans to study filmmaking so he can make his own erawtic films. He also wants people to check out his Myspace page, but thankfully Tom cuts him off before he can drop the URL.

- Dan in CT calls (starts at 2:17) to ask Tom if he's a fan of Ted Leo and the DC Snipers. Tom is a fan of both musical acts. Dan then assumes that Tom will attend the South Street Seaport FREE show on Friday, August 25th. Tom says he is not scheduled to attend. Dan’s going but is having trouble getting his friends to go. It sounds like fun to Tom, who wants to know what time the show will start. Dan says it begins at 6 p.m., and Tom declares that he will be there. He asks Dan if he’ll be there, but Tom has to let him go before he responds.

- Shelley O’Doul from Staten Island calls (starts at 2:18) after a long day at woik, a pronounciation he picked up from John Fogerty. Tom recommends that he wind down with a stroll to Hylan Boulevard to grab some ice cream at Sedutto's. Shelley is under the false impression that Sedutto's is his favorite calzone place. He wants to request a song, and Tom assumes it will be a selection from the New York Dolls catalog. In fact, Shelley wants an early-week spin of "Rosalita (Come Out Tonight)", the workingman's Friday night anthem by The Boss.

Tom wants Shelley to talk up the record as it plays underneath the chatter. As he begins to explain his love for the song, Neil Diamond’s "Porcupine Pie" is heard. Tom explains that somebody recorded over the Bruce CD with a live Neil Diamond track. The song doesn’t do it for Shelly. The Bruce song raises his spirits after hard day of labor as a plumber, as well as his duties for the Trustees of the Trash organization. Tom is more into "Porcupine Pie" than anything Shelley has to say and begins singing the new workingman’s anthem. Just a hunch: Shelley is a BIG Rescue Me fan.

- Keith in California calls (starts at 2:23) to support his candidacy for Tom's 1500th Myspace friend. His profile currently lacks an image, which implies prevert status to Tom. Keith was unable to upload a picture of himself with Alex Trebek because the Myspace servers were too busy. During the call, Tom gets a request from Anne, but since she’s 14, she can’t be Tom’s 1500th. Tom declares Keith the frontrunner.

- A caller from Brooklyn drops (starts at 2:24) a telltale opening line: “Yo, what’s up, man, this is um Ronnie Goldstein calling.” Tom takes the "um"-based pause as a clear indicator of fakery, but the caller insists that it's his real name. He requests Blondie's "Rapture", and thinks that Tom probably heard of him from his days in the 1980s as “Rappin’ Ronnie Goldstein”. Tom hangs up on him: “Yuck. I build it, they ruin it.” In Mr. Goldstein's defense, I have a vague memory of someone by that name appearing in Colin Quinn's 1989 MTV special, Going Back to Brooklyn.

- Eric from New Paltz returns (starts at 2:27) with another for another dose of lethargy, revealing that he is the man behind the Myspace friend request from Hot Tots. He picked the name due to his love of tater tots, which he consumed tonight with a Stubb's barbecue dipping sauce. Tom thinks he needs to lay off starchy foods to increase his energy. He believes that he's worthy of being Tom's 1500th Myspace friend because the other callers have been anemic, a charge that shocks Tom. He thought Tom could make him a signature friend to make up for always mocking him after he hangs up. Tom will add him, but not at 1500. Eric yawns; Tom tells him to go back to bed.

- A caller (starts at 2:29) is trying to figure out what the show is after hearing the Ronnie Goldstein call as he flipped around the dial. Tom tells him it's a community-based talk program that discusses local issues and solicits opinions from state senators, congressmen, and omsbudsmen. He thinks Tom has a very interesting voice, invoking the silent power of Jon Stewart or Al Franken. Tom will take the vocal comparisons, but GOMPs him.

- Rich calls (starts 2:31) shortly after busting his 19-year-old son and his friend for pranking the show. Tom tells him that the show is not playtime or a goofball zone for kids to vent their weird rage. It's a professional radio program. Tom tells Rick that it is well within his means to punish his son for the transgression. Tom recommends one of his favorite violent reprisals: picking out a switch from the backyard and using it to whip his son 50 times across the face. Rich declines, saying, “He’s ugly enough.” Tom's taken aback at the derogatory quip about his son's appearance and compares Rich to the tough dad in Rudy. Tom wants to know what his son can do to win his love. Rich says he can win it by going back to school in California, which he will do in a couple of weeks. Rich is not sick of him, but says that his son is restless from being home, which causes him to resort to making prank calls.

Rich says he will miss him, but Tom points out that he apparently has no problems zapping him on the air. Tom suspects that deep down under the gruff exterior, Rich is not so tough. Rich says his son is a good kid who earned a respetacle a 3.4 GPA for the last school year. Tom thinks he should tell him that instead of taunting him on the radio so others can laugh at him and create websites dedicated to lampooning him. During the call, Rich's feelings about his son swing on the pendulum from angry to sad, and Tom wants some answers: "Why the hate, Pops, why the hate?” Rich begins to explain by saying, “Listen, I gotta put it to you this way", an opening line that Tom compares to Alec Baldwin's tough talk in Glengarry Glen Ross. Tom adheres to the ABG principle and dismisses Rich: Always Be GOMPing. Tom will pick a switch and whip both father and son with it. A beating for two generations!

- Jimbo in Bushwick calls (starts at 2:35) for another confessional climb up the lighthouse in the second installment of the hot breakout feature, Lighthouse Confessions. Jimbo has another sordid tale about an encounter with a woman in the New York night (I'm beginnng to wonder if these are “Lighthouse Confessions” or Red Shoe Diaries):

On a nice night a few weeks ago, Jimbo was walking down the street in midtown NYC. He spotted a curvy, drunk blonde who was stumbling all over the street. He asked her if she needed a hand because she was all over the sidewalk and people were looking at her. She was either drunk and/or on something. They started walking in the same direction, and she put her arm on his. He tried to be a nice guy by escorting her to safety. They walked for about 10 blocks. Jimbo said, “Well, I better get going", and she responded by asking him if he wanted to stop for a drink. Since he didn’t have anything else better to do, he went into a bar where the drummer for The Little Killers works. She gave Jimbo a look that said “What the hell did you bring into this bar?” Jimbo had a drink and then played pool with the blonde and another couple. The blonde starts talking about how the guy they were playing pool with smells like a hamster cage within his earshot. She wasn’t slurring her words, but seemed a bit messed up. She was playing surprisingly well at the billiards table, but also stepped on Jimbo’s feet and spilled her drink. Jimbo speculates that she was on some kind of pills due to her glassy eyes. Jimbo did not approve of the insult.

Her tells her that he’s going to leave, and she requests that he walk her home. He walks her home, which is only a block away. She asks him if he’s going to come up. Against his better judgement, he proceeds. She hands him a 22-ounce Colt 45. It’s now around 11:30 p.m. Jimbo is standing there and he takes two sips before she grabs his wrist like a bear trap snapped on it. She shoves his hand into her chest. She’s trying to get romantic, massaging it in there. He acted like he was making a pizza. He felt awkward and just looked at the floor. She said, “That’s it, get outta here.” Jimbo looked up to see an ice-cold dagger look in her eyes.

Tom concludes Jimbo just wants love, not trashy hook-ups. Jimbo decides that he's going to stay in the lighthouse for a while to avoid getting into more trouble on the mean streets of NYC. I think this is a very wise move. I haven't heard about anyone being led this easily astray since Reverend Ken Miller from Newbridge Episcopalian followed a dog into Adult Mania. Tom may hire Jimbo as a lighthouse keeper, and if Jimbo ever sees Cpt. Jack, he will switch off the lighthouse so he'll remain lost at sea.

- Tom's Myspace friend tally has been sitting pretty at 1499 all night. There is no greater honor than being picked for signature numbers. The contenders for Tom's luxurious 1500th friend have been less than stellar: the Wellington Ladies Welfare League, something yucky called The Saturday Afternoon Beef Club, a UK band called Geese, and the previously noted Hot Tots and the pictureless Keith from California.

Anne calls (starts at 2:44) because she heard that she was denied due to being only 14. Tom reviews her request and is pleased that she has her profile set to private. Tom is willing to reconsider her candidacy and wants to know about her grades. Anne doesn’t have grades because she’s home-schooled. Tom wants to get a sense of her average day, and Anne describes a simple routine: “You wake up and you do work.” Her mom tutors her, and Anne thinks she's a pretty good teacher. The primary differences between being at home versus school is that Anne eats more since she avoids dumb school lunches and learns Latin.

The only thing she regrets is that she misses the social interaction with her friends, but she meets people in other parts of her life, such as her volunteer work at the library. When she grows up, Anne wants to pursue writing and reading, perhaps in a career as a fiction editor. The last book she read was Joan Bauer's Road Trip (my research reveals that the book is actually called Rules of the Road), which is not novelization of the movie Road Trip. Anne enjoyed the book, which revolves around a girl with an alcoholic father. She's also really good at selling shoes, so the head of a company chooses her to be her driver. This opportunity allows her to meet all kinds of people who help her out in her life.

In additon to shelving books, Anne helps out with the activities for the younger kids, such as tie-dyeing demos. They also have book bingo -- instead of the traditional numbers, they call out characters from children’s books whose pictures are featured on the cards. Tom wants to guess some.

1. Spot

Tom's guess: See Spot Run: The SST Story Wrong. Anne reminds Tom that these are characters from children’s books, such as Clifford and Where The Wild Things Are, not non-existent bios of independent rock producers and labels.

2. Ms. Frizzle

Tom's guess: Ms. Frizzle’s Wild Adventure. Anne doesn’t know the answer. (It's The Magic School Bus)

3. Frog and Toad

Tom's guess: Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Wrong. It’s from the Frog and Toad series. I think these two were also Mother 13 roadies who slid to their deaths from Mt. Everest.

4. Mother Goose

Tom's guess: Mother Goose. Correct. Anne explains that the character names are all pretty much the title names as well.

The kids at the library range from kindergarten age up through sixth graders. Anne says that some of them engage in Peteyesque goofball talk. Things are looking good for Anne, who reveals that she has 79 Myspace friends. She discovered The Best Show via her brother, whose hero may or may not be Tom. Anne's been listening for about six months and her favorite caller is Philly Boy Roy. Tom’s heard enough -- Anne becomes his 1500th friend because she’s a good kid. She spends time at the library instead of hanging out in the parking lot of the 7-11 reading skateboard magazine like some hooligan. If those kids come into the library and fool around in the children’s room, Anne will alert an adult, who will toss them. Anne thanks Tom for the great honor. I hope Anne keeps listening and calls again. She's kind of like a female version of August, but with more confidence.

- Tom Riley from New Zealand calls (starts at 2:52) for the first time since the days when Tom was threatening to jump to Sirius Satellite Radio before the deal fell through. Riley was sorry to hear about that, but got a warm feeling when he was able to find him on the Internet. He assumes that all listeners around the world felt the same way. Riley is a bit uneasy about living in the constant fear of a looming economic recession in NZ. He's trying not to bite his nails too much, and Tom says he may have to cash out all those rare The Clean records, putting the "Tally Ho" single up for sale on eBay. Riley said he has already said goodbye to his good NZ records. It's 3 p.m. and sunny in NZ, and the call is giving Riley a break from his work day. He's been away for a few months in Christchurch, so he’s been unable to keep up with the show, but now he’s back in Aucklund. Tom tells him that’s why God made archives. He wants to know more about the origins of Lighthouse Confessions, and Tom tells him that it's based on Taxicab Confessions, but switched to the even more private lighthouse to avoid a lawsuit.

Riley wants to know if Steinberg ever came back after he choked on that pickle. Tom says he came back one time, but is currenly MIA. He can confirm that he's alive -- just not alive and well. My guess is that Steinberg's absence can be explained with two words: payotay relapse. Riley will try to ease the sting of the recession by driving a diesel station wagon. Aucklund is one of the largest cities in the world, but everyone is spread out and isolated. He has a long drive to visit his mother, so he will try to cut back on the petrol costs with the fuel-efficient vehicle. Tom doesn’t know what petrol is or why they call that. Riley explains that it's New Zealand for gasoline, and Tom thinks that the country should follow the American lead with words. Riley says it's a three-hour drive to Australia and once you get there, you often wonder why you bothered. Tom asks Riley about the New Zealand vs. Australia football battles, which are always won by the Aussies. Tom ends the call with a flurry of Flying Nun references, suggesting that members of The Puddle (George Henderson) and the Tall Dwarfs (Alec Bathgate) were now professional footballers for New Zealand. Before hanging up, he asks Riley to say hello to Greg Ham.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Jimbo confesses to an tryst in the custodial closet with a wayward mermaid he discovered while cleaning up the lighthouse grounds, a caller declares Tom the "Jon Koncak of free-form", and Eric from New Paltz delivers a riveting performance that he attributes to a rendezvous with "The White Lady".

I haven't heard The Beatles' cover, but I can't imagine it topped the original:

Posted by Omar at 9:49 PM | Permalink | Comments

[A side note to the good Dr. - I only wish we had had the wherewithal to have hooked up with Debbie Gibson or Tiffany so they could have bankrolled this opportunity for us they way Britney has for K-Fed]

Years ago there when there was a real low point in popular music, Dr. Red Duke and I had a vision that anybody could become a famous rock/rap star by just giving a bunch of shoutouts to the audience to hype them up. In fact, they didn't even have to play an instrument or write any music. Pyrotechnics were needed as well as a full stage set up of instruments and other band members...

But past that, one just needed to have a mic turned up to 11 and the ability to yell out things like "Are you ready to Rock?!" and "We're gonna rock tonight!" One such example:

Posted by shillak at 3:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

David Foster Wallace on the re-embodiment of men's tennis.

Posted by Omar at 2:39 PM | Permalink | Comments

The original script reminds me of Steve Martin's great response to being addressed as "Mr. Martin:"

"No, no. Please. It's Mr. Steve Martin."

Posted by x amount at 2:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Great new PES up. And if you never saw Dogs of War, watch it while you're there. It's still my favorite.

Posted by x amount at 9:54 AM | Permalink | Comments

Cigarettes and Red Vines, the definitive PTA resource, started a YouTube channel. The latest addition to its programming lineup is a circa-Punch-Drunk Love Charlie Rose interview:

PTA on Charlie Rose - Magnolia
PTA on Charlie Rose - Boogie Nights

Posted by Omar at 1:18 PM | Permalink | Comments

David Brent offers a sobering vision of the future.

Also: David Gervais offers a Canadian vision of The Office.

Posted by Omar at 8:17 AM | Permalink | Comments

mmm....sacrilicious.

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 7:27 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 11:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

Bill Murray on retirement and police chases.

Note: The AP reporter must have somehow distracted Murray (in the name of journalism? at the cost of celebrity vigilantism?). While the video below doesn't show the whole chase, earlier in the ordeal the driver absolutely tore a golf course UP.

[late edit: not via the gf, but my bad for not checking in until today.]

Posted by x amount at 5:55 PM | Permalink | Comments

Eppy delivers his usual top-notch analysis of the clip featuring Metal Skool's new star pupil.

Posted by Omar at 5:30 PM | Permalink | Comments

Stand up!

Posted by x amount at 12:24 PM | Permalink | Comments

I think this is being shown on VH1, so everybody has probably seen it, but I don't watch that channel... I need to stop exercising and get back to the boobtube.

Posted by shillak at 11:31 AM | Permalink | Comments

I learned two things from this week's Rockstar: Supernova: the correct lyric is "oh Lord" and black people love Phil Collins covers (quick cut @1:28).

From I Love Music:
the coolest thing about "in the air tonight" is how he was performing it live on stage one time and he totally witnessed this murder by this dude right there in the audience so then he got the cops to come to the next show because he figured the guy would be there again and so he performed the song again and during the climactic part he sings "it's no stranger to you or me!" and points right at the murderer and the cops move through the crowd and arrest him! and then phil collins wrote this song about it all! which... he performed ... when ... it ... uh... happened.

Posted by DOP at 9:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

Hate stick.

Posted by Omar at 2:01 PM | Permalink | Comments

Seems like the returns would be minimal for this kind of cross-movie, hand-drawn animation reuse.

Posted by x amount at 10:17 AM | Permalink | Comments

Hostettler vs. Ellsworth. Although if Hearst gets his way, the Pinkertons will be running the show.

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 9:40 AM | Permalink | Comments

George Saunders reflects on his enlightening romp through the entire country of the UK.

Posted by Omar at 3:28 PM | Permalink | Comments

Elmo refused to be interviewed for this column.

Posted by DOP at 2:49 PM | Permalink | Comments

Per the introduction, both The Beatles and The Beach Boys will max out The 200 Greatest Songs of the 1960s at 5 songs each. Neither of the originals of these Ben Kweller covers will make that list (some for more obvious reasons than others), but that hasn't stopped me from listening to both of them non-stop for the past week.

Ben Kweller w/Albert Hammond Jr. of The Strokes - "Wait" (Amazon)
Adam Green w/Ben Kweller - "Kokomo" (Amazon)

Posted by DOP at 7:00 AM | Permalink | Comments

"How can they be brothers if their names are so different?" -- A caller questioning the fraternal status of Charles Sheen and Emilio Estevez

"Wow, they’re really rallying around me." -- Mel Gibson on Patrick Swayze, Patrick Swayze, and then Patrick Swayze coming to his defense

"Those animals back in coach deserve what they get." -- Tom, flying for free in First Class+

"It’s not my fault you can’t do math." -- Tom, responding to a caller who stubbornly insisted that 62 + 43 = 105

"Modesty is not my greatest feature." -- Gene Simmons, admitting one of his flaws

"The timbre of your voice screams hot dog salesmen to me." -- Gene, trying to match Tom's vocals to a vocation

"I’m not made out of money. Oh, yes, I am sort of." -- Gene, shortly before rearranging his bloated wallet

"When people think of Kiss, who doesn’t think of athletics?" -- Slogan for the new line of Kiss baseball bats

"You’re a dirty cretten." -- Gene, issuing judgment on Tom with an eccentric pronounciation

"I did nothing wrong. My kid did nothing wrong. All he did was throw the f-bomb at you and call you names." -- Battle cry of the Bridge Troll Parenting Society

"Look out UK, the face of the Ugly American is about to change." -- Tom, warning Eng-a-land about a visit from Officer Tom

"I could take 50 punches and not think twice about it, and that kiss has been haunting me ever since." -- Officer Tom on his Jason-prompted liplock with Purple Shirt

"I think I’m in Europe." -- Trent L. Strauss, lost and still trying to make it back

"Yo man, he’s guilty, man." -- Junkie jurist Fred, casting the first vote against a young recidivist

"It’s all an act, Tom. It’s like Andy Warhol." -- Petey, suggesting that his radio persona is an artistic ruse

"Where’s your Henry Fonda now?" -- Tom, wondering who will support Petey post-conviction

"If your podcast was beating my podcast, I’d jump in front of a truck." -- Tom, on what he would do if his troubled podcast hit rock bottom

[TBSOWFMU - 8/8/06 / Podmirth [48 subscribers] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Here's some original musical Nuggets:

Max Frost and the Troopers - "Shape of Things To Come"
The Remains - "Don't Look Back"
The Thirteenth Floor Elevators - "You're Gonna Miss Me"
The Turtles - "Outside Chance"
Strawberry Alarm Clock - "Incense and Peppermints"
The Sparkles - "No Friend Of Mine"

( Click here to buy Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era 1965-1968 )

Jay-Z - "Takeover"

The break's over, so here's the annotated highlights of a show that's like the Army or the Navy, it'll kidnap your babies, spit at your lady, bring a knife to a fistfight, kill all you ants with a sledgehammer. It's hosted by a man who demands satisfaction and could beat you with one good arm.

The Youse Are On Notice series continues to grow in popularity. The latest KernPoll numbers (phone survey of 35 Houston business leaders, Aug 1-3; margin of error +/- 44%) indicate that 64% support it and 53% want it discontinued. You wanted the best, you got the best: YAON #3.

TBS Phone Line Update: The cost has skyrocketed to upwards of $2400 per phone call, and Tom provided more details on the underground cable’s byzantine itinerary. It runs directly up into the studio, through the computer, into the mixing board, back through the computer, back into the mixing board, into cassette deck #2, back into the computer through the speakers, back into the board, and into the phone answering device, which is a trusty Pakistani .mp3 player ($19/holds five songs; lacks a pause button) made by Telos, The Trademark of Quality.

In recent weeks, I've been hearing a certain WFMU DJ with a doctorate in stupidity giving out the exclusive TBS number. Given Tom's clear admonitions, this seems like a very dum and duncey move that will undoubtedly have some unpleasant consequences.

Sanitation Dept: Mock up of one's caller's desired Sheen Brothers tattoo

A caller (starts at 28:48) wants Tom to settle a bet between him and his buddy, Troy. Tom led off his opening music set with "Just What You Want - Just What You'll Get" by John’s Children, a band that Troy says featured a pre-T. Rex Marc Bolan. However, the caller is 1000% sure that he’s wrong. He believes that John’s Children was the first band of Michael Anthony from The Sweat Brothers, aka Van Halen. Tom says Troy wins the bet. The caller is perplexed and delivers a quivering, sotto voce "what?". Tom repeats that John's Children was in fact the first band of Marc Bolan, not Michael Anthony.

The caller thinks Tom’s full of it and wants to know the name of Anthony's first band. Tom’s not sure, and the caller puts the question out to any listeners, none of whom called with the answer. It was, of course, Jester, the Newbridge-based rockers who were managed by Barry Dworkin's father. During his brief New Jersey residency, the portly Anthony played his Jack Daniel's bass at four Jester gigs back in 1975 at a club on Muffler Row called The Filth Box. The defunct venue is currently a strip club.

The caller mentions that Anthony is on the road right now with Sammy Hagar. Neither he nor Tom are sure of their moniker, thinking it might be “The Other Two” (it's actually “The Other Half”). The caller notes that it’s kinda close to The Other Ones, "Bobby’s band." Tom’s unclear about who he is referring to, so the caller explains that it’s the name of Bobby Weir’s band. Tom makes a comment about it being one of those Grateful Dead bands, and the caller detects a 'tude coming from Tom, perhaps suggesting that he was above it all. Tom points out that there’s a pretension to just saying “Bobby”, as if there’s only one. The caller says there sort of is, and wonders who Tom would put in the other Bobby column. Tom offers Bobby Kennedy, and the caller wants to know who that is before quickly realizing that it was the guy from politics.

The caller heard there’s a new movie with that Bobby in it coming soon. Him and Charles Sheen. Tom think’s it’s his brother, Emilio Estevez. The caller thinks the correct name must be Emilio Sheen, wondering how the two could be brothers if their names are so different. Tom tells him that Emilio took his mother's name, while Charles took his father's name. The caller wants to know the title of the movie where Charles Sheen and another guy play workers on a highway. Tom tells him that they played garbage men in a film called Men At Work. This is the film the caller was thinking of, and he expresses his desire to get the film’s poster tattooed on his back. Due to its vertical spread, the tattoo will have to extend to the middle of his backside as well. He asks Tom how much it would it run him, and Tom says it will be costly in more than one way.

The caller correctly identifies the "pain dept" as one potential cost. At first, Tom thinks he is trying to say "pain depth", but the caller points out that he was simply abbreviating the word "department" to consolidate time. The second cost is in the pocket dept. The third cost involves the act of permanently marking yourself with a tattoo of a movie that wasn't very good and, apparently, not that memorable. The callers says that once he did remember it, the poster and what happened in the theater that night flooded back to him. The caller begins to tell the tale of that fateful screening: “There was this girl and she …” Just as Tom was becoming intrigued, the line went dead. Tom thinks his mother may have hung up from upstairs.

- Tom provides (starts 35:55) his first political update on the Democratic Senate primary in Connect-icut: incumbent Joe Leiberman has 40.23% of the vote and challenger Ned Lamont has 59.77% with only a small number of precincts reporting. Tom will be tracking the race all night as WFMU encroaches on Air America’s turf. (Due to forthcoming mathematical disputes, it should be noted that these two tallies do indeed add up to 100%.)

- Tom regretfully reports (starts at 37:00) that Spike is absent for the second straight show. On the 7/11/06 show, Spike was assigned to review The Devil Wears Prada as part of a hot new film critic segment. The goal was to force Spike to branch out from his repetitive riffs on doo-wop and slasher films. So far, it appears that Spike is not up to the challenge -- unable to venture out to the multiplex, preferring to remain holed up in his basement apartment in some perverse enclave of New York. Tom suspects that he may have been caught walking into the theater backwards.

- Tom is pleased (starts at 38:49) to see Patrick Swayze coming to the defense of the embattled Mel Gibson. Tom reads from an ITV article in which Swazye dismisses charges of anti-Semitism and paints a picture of Mel as a swell mate who had a few too many. Tom also admires that the ITV editorial staff is aggressively trying to keep it clean by censoring the dreaded c-word.

Tom read the following excerpt:

"If anybody dares try to pull this cr*p of messing with Mel's career - it's wrong, it's unfair, it's not right. Talent deserves to be honoured, hands deserve to be slapped if you do something stupid as well, but don't take it too far."

He continued: "I feel really bad for Mel, he's a good guy, we have been in each other's lives for a long time, he's a wonderful human being. He is not anti-Semitic.

"People say stupid things when they happen to have a few and especially if you don't drink any more, or have limited your drinking for a long time and all of a sudden you decide to have one too many with the boys - you are stupid.

Tom speculates that Swayze's comments are an attempt at lobbying for a role in Lethal Weapon 5 or the Mayan movie. While in the midst of a PR nightmare and the darkest hour for his film career, Tom is sure that Mel is thrilled that so many Hollywood heavyweights are rallying around him. Here's a list of Mel's current supporters: Patrick Swayze, the second-unit grip on Bird On A Wire, and a few extras from Maverick.

- Tom issues a reminder (starts at 41:50) about his first post-show personal appearance. In the spirit of Toooooouuuuuurgasm, Tom will spread the wealth, meet every damn FOT, and shake every damn FOT hand. As teased during recent shows, Tom will be riding the Exchange Place PATH Station escalator at 11:30 p.m. for 15 exciting minutes of magic. He will pass out buttons and stickers, and Mike the Associate Producer will bring mini-Snickers bars. Tom is disassociating himself from any of the foodstuffs being distributed for legal reasons in the event that Mike put something harmful in the candy. He doubts Mike did anything, but one can never be too sure.

UPDATE: Did this really happen? I'll believe it when I see photographic proof.

- Tommy in Basking Ridge calls (starts at 43:03) to report that everything is "pretty chill" in the suburbs. He's enjoying the last days of summer before returning to school at Loyola Marymount. A couple of months ago, Tommy was reading about an article in American Way magazine. He peruses this in-flight periodical when traveling from LA to NJ, and he wonders if it was a big thing in terms of publicity for Tom and the show. It certainly was. Since its publication, Tom flies for free. The airline told him that he will never have to pay for another flight again.

Tom flew to Portland, OR, four days ago, and he walked through the ticket-checking station sans ticket. He strolled through with just the article and his ID. Tom proceeded to the gate, showed them the article, and was allowed to board ahead of first class passengers. Tommy wants to know about the level of accomodations in first class, and Tom says that he flies in either First Class+ or Super Premium Class. Tommy flew first class (50-minute segment, $50 upgrade) this past May when returning to NJ after doing some volunteer work in New Orleans. He was offered champagne and accepted it. Tom describes what happens in his elite section of the aircraft. After he's seated, the flight attendants immediately come over with a hot fudge sundae. From that point on, another hot fudge sundae is served every 15 minutes.

Tommy is impressed, noting that people in coach don’t even get a free meal on transcontinental flights. Tom has no sympathy for these commoners: “Those animals back in coach deserve what they get.” Tom says that there's nothing more disgusting than sitting in his First Class+ seat and having to endure those defeated animals shuffling past him. Tommy wants to know if Tom gets angry when he’s in first and sees a coach passenger angrily waiting for a bathroom in a more prestigious section. In those situations, Tom complains by banging on the cockpit door (a bold maneuver, post-9/11) to inform the pilot of the unauthorized coach passenger migration. Tom believes that this story solidifies his status as a cool and modest man. I think most people would find it very difficult to disagree with that assessment.

- James in South Orange calls (starts at 47:21) to thank Tom for doing the election updates so he doesn't have to switch over to NPR to get the scoops. Tom says that he will also be giving traffic reports, which prompts James to say Tom will be like Kenny G. Tom hangs up on him, but says that he actually likes KG. He does not like the other chowderhead. The Best Show is the original. It's not a copycat show. This is real. It's not trying to do talk with goofball voices.

- No Smokin' "Joe" checks in (starts 48:56) with a Good/Not So Good for Tom: You and Me. Tom tells him that he’s gross, disgusting, a liar, and human filth, so I take that to mean that NSJ is Not So Good. Tom points out that his name is not even Joe and requests that he reveal his real name. NSJ declines due to embarrassment. Tom thinks his phone line is embarassing since it sounds like he's talking to an astronaut aboard the space shuttle. NSJ is GOMPed. Tom plans to add him to a new draft of his Enemies of Tom s hitlist, a proper destination for a man who forced Tom to endure his boring chatter under the guise of heartstring-tugging, nicotine-addled Good Guyness, only to eventually turn on him in a blaze of fibbery. While his real name remains a mystery, Tom does reveal NSJ's profession: he works as a lowly adman for Fox News.

- Matt in Nebraska calls live (starts at 51:17), but is not listening live. He wanted to give Tom a telephonic holler after previously only checking in via Myspace messaging. Matt looked at his watch, realized that the show was broadcasting live, so he called live, even though he wasn't actually listening to the show at the time he engaged said call. He was concerned that his live call may have interrupted Tom doing a live bit on his live show, which Matt could not hear live, even though he was certain it was occurring simultaneously with his call in the time-space continuum. Tom's really confused. Tom asks Matt if he can hear what he's saying. He can. He can hear Tom on the phone, but will not be able to hear him on the radio or Internet until a few days from now. Tom wonders how he is able to talk to him if he can't hear him live. Matt explains that he won't be able to hear the podcast until a few days from now, and Tom finally gets it.

Matt claims that he sent a Smash or Trash entry, but Tom didn’t get it. Matt assures Tom that he sent three copies to the WFMU headquarters, but none have reached The Kid. Tom will do some research to attempt to track down the MIA discs.

- Tom drops (starts at 54:27) his second primary update after a caller questions Tom's early poll results. He believes that the two numbers exceeded 100%. Tom runs some new numbers: Leiberman now has 43.48% and Ned Lamont has 61.52%. The caller argues that those results add up 104%. Tom does some math, rounding up Lamont to 62% and rounding down Leiberman to 43%, yielding 95% with someone else getting the remaining 5% of the vote. The caller persists in disputing Tom's calculation, so Tom eliminates the possibility of human error by firing up his cell phone's calculator. The machine confirms that 62 + 43 = 95. The caller cackles like a supervillain and is GOMPed. It's not Tom's fault that this guy is an incompetent mathematician. When it comes to math, Tom is a mixture of Will Hunting and Steve Nash (the guy from A Beautiful Mind, not the Canadian computer pitch man). Tom sees the numbers in front of him.

- Sheldon in Basking Ridge calls (starts at 57:22) to say that airplane enthusiast Tommy from Basking Ridge is a friend of his from high school. Tommy told him about a funny story he read in American Way. In the mid-1970s, a stewardess came up to the pilot and said he had to see something. The pilot then discovered a guy in first class who was stark nude, but-- Tom cuts Sheldon off and wants nothing to do with the remainder of the story. The Best Show is a family program with family values. I suspect the big punchline had something to do with improper use of a hot fudge sundae.

- Gene Simmons, the God of Thunder his very self, calls (starts at 1:01), and Tom tells him that it's very exciting to have him on the show. Gene was already aware of that and is floating on cloud 9 tonight. Then again, he always is because he has the ultimate life. Tom begins to respond with "your life is pretty much ...", and Gene finishes it by noting that his life is better than Tom’s. He apologizes, admitting that “modesty is not my greatest feature", although Tom doesn't take offense because he's happy with his life. Tom wants some insight into the glorious world of Gene Simmons. Gene's sure that most TBS listeners got a glimpse last night on their television sets, the same place Tom saw it. He's referring to Simmons Family Jewels (SFJ), his new reality program on A&E. Tom's heard of it, but did not watch any television last night. Gene wants to know why Tom did not make time to see it, and Tom said he was doing something else while it was airing. Gene wonders what could be more important than seeing him, and Tom tells him that visiting a friend took precedence over the antics of the Simmons clan.

Gene dismisses this excuse, because friends will always be there, but Gene Simmons may not always be there in the flesh. (His myth and legend will always live on, though.) Tom agrees that there's a chance the human form of Gene Simmons will not appear on his television, and Gene says that he’s trying to make that a smaller and smaller chance as time goes by. Had Tom seen the first episode, he would have been privy to some of the best programming that’s ever been on television. Tom requests a basic synopsis of the show, and Gene describes it as The Osbournes on steroids, but with more coherence. Gene feels compelled to note that “coherence” is a big word for Tom’s listeners. And Tom. He quickly says that he's kidding about the word's intensity for Tom.

With the cameras rolling 24/7 at Chez Simmons, the show follows the daily antics of Gene and his family -- his not-wife ladyfriend Shannon Tweed, his daughter, Sophie, and his son, Nick. Tom says that it sounds kind of like Hogans Knows Best. Gene does not like the comparison and asks Tom to please refrain from bringing up any other reality shows. Gene believes there is only one reality show: SFJ. Gene says the premiere got fabulous ratings, which Tom attributes to the legendary Gene Simmons sense of humor. Gene agrees.

In addition to a successful new show, the entrepreneurial wizard has another hit with the recently-launched Kiss Coffeehouse. Tom is not familiar with the venture, and Gene concludes that Tom has not been in front of any kind of media device in the last two weeks. The coffeehouse is in Myrtle Beach, SC., and Tom is missing out on those great Kissaccinos and Caffe Kiss Leches that are flying out of the store. Tom thinks these are just Kissified Starbucks drinks, but Gene says that they are completely original concoctions. The store will be introducing 25 new products in the next five months, including the Deuce Mocha Mint smoothie, The Forever (a 62-ounce coffee), and the Cadillac Dreams espresso. Tom says he knows the song "Deuce", and Gene says that's a given, offering a lyrical snippet ("Get up and get your grandma out of here").

Gene thinks that "Deuce" should be the new national anthem since it was what Francis Scott Key had in mind when he wrote the lyrics to "The Star-Spangled Banner" before tweaking it into its current form. Tom wants to know if "Forever" is a Kiss song. Gene has a question for Tom: "You have a program on a radio station that plays rock ‘n roll and you don’t know what "Forever" by Kiss is?" Tom doesn’t. Gene tells him that it's the greatest power ballad ever unleashed on the public. It's one of Paul’s songs (co-written by Michael Bolton!) from the 1989 album, Hot In The Shade. Gene contributed to the track by appearing in the video. Gene's "Cadillac Dreams" is also on that record. Tom’s not surprised a song with that title sprung from his mind.

The side of the cup that will hold the Cadillac Dreams espresso features a Cadillac logo with a picture of Gene's tongue embedded within. Tom can't imagine who wouldn't want to drink something in such an appealing vessel. Gene signs every cup, but the customer has to finish the drink to enjoy the signature because it's on the inside bottom of the cup. Gene uses a silver Kiss Sharpie, and Tom wonders if he has any concern about customers consuming the residue of a sparkly silver marker mingling with a hot beverage. So far, there have been no complaints, and Gene thinks everything is going to be fine. He asks Tom want he thinks about it, and Tom's not sure since he has not run any health tests. The Kiss Coffeehouse has run some and everything has been "more or less OK." Tom wants to know more about the "less" part of the research. Gene says that there's been some instances of "HS", which is an abbreviation for heart stoppage. Tom wants clarification on how the ink is making people's hearts cease operation. Gene says that the frozen Kissaccino on a stick is one of the main culprits. Gene signs the sticks, and the ink forms a toxic melange with the mocha and other ingredients, turning it into a health hazard.

At this point, Tom fails to recall the name of the reality show, which prompts Gene to ask if he's on the pot. Gene thinks it's everyone's fontasy to have a show, and he's realized that dream twice. Tom questions his odd pronounciation of "fantasy", but Gene explains that he says and lives it that way. He also has an alterior motive for calling the show. Tom thought he’d be calling up just to promote, and Gene says that Tom knows him better than some people do. The real reason for Gene's call is that he requires Tom's services. Gene says that 95% of TBS listeners saw him helping Nick get his band together during the first episode. Gene came up with a great name and logo for the band: Chrome. Tom mentions the late 1970s/early 1980s band of the same name, and Gene said that Nick also brought that up. Gene told Nick that as long as that band didn’t copyright it, "all’s fair in love, sex, and rock ‘n roll." Nick was upset and wanted to change the name for the big show at the Roxy. Gene came up with an alternate name: Nick Simmons and The Electric Chairs. Tom points out the similarity to Jayne County's band, Wayne County and The Electric Chairs.

Gene got emails today from fans of this he/she Jane Wayne County saying that he/she owns the name. Gene has a vague memory of Jayne from the old Max’s days. However, he can’t recall that being the band name, and even if it was, he doubts that Jayne Wayne copyrighted it. Gene also got emails from this psycho named Helium Creed. Tom says that it's Helios Creed, who was the guitarist for Chrome. Tom makes his bones in the street rock scene, so Gene is confident that he could help him resolve these band name issues. Gene thinks that Tom is a radio host by night and a hot dog vendor by day. Tom, of course, denies it, but Gene insists that the timbre of Tom's voice screams hot dog salesman. He's shocked that Tom has never been told that before. He tells Tom to get used to the accusation.

Since Tom likes all the bad music, he's the appropriate person to contact Helios Creed and Jayne Wayne on behalf of Gene to offer them a deal. In exchange for giving up the rights to their band names, Gene will send each of them an autographed My Dad The Rock Star DVD box set. Tom's never heard of the project, and Gene says it’s like Tom hasn’t been breathing in the last three years. Gene explains that it's an animated series he developed and assumes that Tom hasn’t been in Canada recently. In fact, Tom recently spent a week in Toronto, but managed to miss the any of the show's airings on the Canadian television network, CNBCC. Gene says Tom has to contact Creed and Jayne and adds a pair of Kiss ice chests to their compensation package. The styrofoam chests are painted black and red with flames upon it. A half carafe of Kiss merlot will be waiting inside, and Tom finds it odd that Gene won't even give them a full bottle of wine. Gene says he's not made of money, but then backtracks by saying that he sort of is. Gene then pauses to rearrange the old wallet, which is so thick that it was preventing him from sitting comfortably. The wallet is loaded with cash, royalty and licensing fee checks, and Kiss Visa cards (very low APR). Gene digs out a check for a new line of Kiss baseball bats to give Tom an example of the kind of payments that steadily roll in.

Tom's baffled and unintentionally nails the exact slogan for the product: "“When people think of Kiss, who doesn’t think of athletics?” Gene wonders if Tom saw the brief for the marketing campaign and wants to know if he would pose for a picture holding the bat. Tom refuses and says he really doesn't think of athletics when pondering Kiss. Tom actually conjures an image of a fat guy in his early 40s when he thinks about the band. Gene tells Tom that Peter Criss hasn’t been in the band for a year. Tom was not referring to Criss. Gene scolds Tom for talking about Ace Frehley like that. Despite their differences, Gene still considers Ace to be like a brother. Tom wasn't referring to Ace, either. Tom wants to know the current Kiss lineup, and Gene says it's him, Paul, Eric Singer, and Roger Zerkel, who sports the Ace makeup.

Gene discovered Zerkel when he sold him some bass strings at Manny's Music. Gene thinks Roger will be a great addition to the band as soon as they replace his short red hair with a black wig. Tom sarcastically suggests that nobody in Kiss would know where to get secure a black wig. Gene doesn’t need the 'tude, because he could buy and sell Tom in a heartbeat. He's in talks with the WFMU station owner to buy The Best Show, converting it into the Gene Simmons 3-Hour Funtime. Gene writes this idea in his notebook so he doesn't forget it. The topics for Gene's radio show would include stock options and all the new bands that he loves: D Generation, The Nixons ("just" opened for Kiss in 1996 -- seems like yesterday to Gene), Insane Clown Posse, Slipknot ("he's great"), and the very relevant and vital Marilyn Manson ("the guy who looks like us").

Gene dislikes Tom and vows to crush him with his wallet, but not before he opens it to completely engulf Tom’s head. The massive wallet is 3' x 4' and contains about $75,000 in cash at any given time. Tom wants to know why he would carry that much money. Gene says that he needs it for emergency situations, such as showering gifts upon a young lovely lady or hiring a killer. He has not hired one yet, but “there’s always a first, and I think that time is rapidly approaching, my son.” Tom asks if he’ll send Roger Zerkel after him, but Gene has a lead on a fellow named Rutager, who could better execute the kill. Rutager is the younger brother of another superbad dude considered by Gene for the gig. The brother in question is Werner, a familiar TBS menace who is becoming a major player in the seedy underbelly of Newbridge. Rutager looks the same -- Rutger Hauer in The Hitchhiker but with blond hair and a black mustache. Tom tells Gene that he used to see Werner at work. As bad as Werner is, Gene's heard that Rutager is even badder.

Gene’s got the dough to order a little German sandwich on Tom’s face. In this culinary construction, Tom’s face is the meat, and the two German enforcers are the bread. The wallet acts as a big pickle, and the condiment will be Tom’s ketchup-y blood. Tom says that Gene seems to have done a lot of work on this violent reprisal. Gene says he’s always sketching out ideas from his fertile mind. Tom recommends working the attack into the second season of SFJ. Gene says he will work it into Tom’s eulogy, which will be a big thrill for the Scharplings. Gene intends to keep the family waiting by arriving late via limousine, and then emerging from the vehicle amidst smoke provided by a pyrotechnician he hired.

Gene Simmons' eulogy for Tom Scharpling:

Greetings ...

We’re here to bury a guy with a very big mouth. Thought he was a very big man, but he was sadly mistaken. Oh yes, though his mouth was big, his brain was small. He thought that he could run with the big dogs, the big demons I should say. He was wrong. He paid the price. Now I will be selling autographs for $35 an autograph over here by this headstone.

Gene feels bad for Tom because during the autograph session, people will vacate his ceremony due to pawing themselves over the excitement of getting the autographs. The whole scene will be filmed for the next season of what Tom's calls "Kiss Family Jewels". Gene corrects Tom, calling him a "dirty cretten" in the process. Tom provides the commonly accepted pronounciation of "cretin", but Gene thinks Tom’s wrong and needs to return to rock school where Gene will be his teacher. Tom says that was the name of that other awful Gene show. Tom tells him that the kid musicians hated him, but Gene says they loved him, an affection confirmed by the fact that he gets Christmas cards from a couple of them.

Gene is becoming increasingly frustrated and asks Tom where he lives. Tom says Newbridge, so Gene says to consider himself banned from GST -- Gene Simmons Toyota. If Tom sets foot on his lot, Tom will have to deal with an axe bass that is stored behind the counter. All Gene asks is that Tom doesn't clog up the pickups with his blood. Tom doesn't think he'll have any trouble staying away from the dealership, but Gene think it’s like a magnet for the local kids. They enter the lot to drink beers and smoke doobies, and Gene is sickened by the drug use. Gene’s never gotten high in his life, but Tom finds it very hypocritcal to take such a moral stand even though he’s living a gross life. Gene wants to know what's so gross about his existence. Tom offers the photo book of his female conquests. Since it's only for the privileged few, Tom hasn’t seen it, but he's heard it's disgusting. Gene says it's not disgusting, and just after he starts to elaborate, his phone cuts off.

Chrome - "TV As Eyes"
Kiss - "Ladies In Waiting" (I prefer Zachary Brimstead, Esq.'s barbershop version)

- Jedediah from Danielson checks in (starts at 1:31), but Tom thinks he's making up his name. He claims that he's been playing bass for the band, but Tom quizzes him to be sure. Jedediah easily rattles off his family members (Megan, Rachel, Daniel, Andrew, David, and the other dude Chris), the name of the Danielson doc (Danielson: a Family Movie), and the band's discography (A Prayer Every Hour, Tell Another Joke at the Ol' Choppin' Block, Alpha, Omega, Fetch the Compass Kids, Br. Danielson - Brother: Son, and the hott new Ships). I thought he might be stumped by the the number of fruit adorning his brother's tree, but he correctly answered with nine.

Tom now believes that he's legit, so the discussion shifts to the recently completed tour. Jedediah says it's good to hear TBS live for the first time in months. The Kid gives his regrets for missing them, but Jedediah says Tom will get another chance when they open for the popular psychadelic rockers The Flaming Lips at the Hammerstein Ballroom on 9/25. Tom marks the date. Jedediah was excited to meet one of Tom's friends at a tour stop in North Carolina. Another highlight of the trek was seeing the Redwood forests and making his first trip to San Francisco. The lowlight was a slot at the inaugural Nidus Festival in Kichener, Ontario. The band was going upstream amidst sparse crowds and an awkward atmosphere. Being preceded on stage by the Toronto Mass Choir didn't help. Since it was at the end of the tour, the family was ready to return home, but they did make some new fans who bought some CDs.

Tom asks about the weirdest look the band has ever received from an audience member. Jedediah says it's looks of complete confusion. However, the puzzled faces are diminishing since people were already excited to see them on this tour. They earned their stripes and got over the hump. Jedediah snuck into the lineup after the rest of the family did the heavy lifting, so he can now coast on their hard work. He gives an update on his brother-in-law, Fred, who is now 10. The fifth-grader is getting married and will then return to the band. He's also plotting to leech his way onto the big NYC Lips show after missing the majority of the summer tour, leaving the rest of the band to tough it out in Kichener.

Jedediah closes by thanking Tom for podcasting, and Tom says it was nice of him to plug the Lips show. Since this show aired, an additional six tickets have been sold due to the Jedediah hype machine.

Br. Danielson - "Things Against Stuff"

- Eric from New Paltz calls (starts at 1:39) from the bad phone store, exhibiting a tad less energy than River Phoenix in My Own Private Idaho. Per Tom's directive, he takes it up a few notches and says that he found out some cool stuff about the TBS bed music. Eric has a penchant for purchasing old keyboards and discovered the tune's origin. Tom points out that the current bed was performed by James Dolan's band, JD and the Sureshots. Using a Casio that he picked up at the Salvation Army, Eric plays a sleepy, wheezing version of Tom's bed. Tom plays the real deal for a comparison. Eric performs a reprise, incorporating Euro beat #2.

Tom recommends that Eric splash some cold water on his face before calling. Eric reveals that he appears in one of the new TBS themes, which is weird because he's only called the show three times. He claims that he was GOMPed each time for boring Tom to death with riffs on the Knicks and hippies. Tom doubts that Eric could be boring. Eric says that Tom was cordial because he seemed like a nice guy, but Tom badmouthed him after he got off the line. Tom owns up to it, but will not do it anymore. He bids Eric goodnight and badmouths him for taking the show on a detour to snoozeville.

- Sean calls (starts at 2:02) from mega, mega-hot Phoenix. While the temp hit a record-setting 113 this summer, it was free of humidity. However, Sean got a taste of the sticky heat when traveling with a friend to Georgia to help him get settled into his graduate school residence at UGA. Tom thinks this may be the Sean who sent him a Danny Manning jersey, but no such luck. The main reason that this Sean called was to get some information on the podcast. Tom says that absent new subscribers, the podcast will be canceled in three weeks since it's back down below 50. Sean's been promoting the podcast because his work schedule forces him to rely on it for his weekly TBS fix.

Sean discovered TBS via The Sound of Young America podcast, hosted by Jesse Thorn, aka America's radio sweetheart. Tom requests his age, which is 24. Tom then quotes a classic cinematic line: "I've sentenced boys younger than you to death, Danny. I didn't want to, I felt I owed it to them." Tom asks Sean if he can cite the line's source material. Sean can't place it, so Tom tells him that it's a Ted Knight gem from Caddyshack, an oft-cited Tom favorite. Sean saw it a long time ago, and Tom directs him to see the epic again. Sean says it's a good film to know in order to riff with the guys, but for Tom, it's all about studying every delicious nuance of the performance of Ted Knight, the Michelangeo of thespians. Every move is a masterwork, every statement another brushstroke on the Sistine chapel, each phrase more brilliant then the last. Sean quits his job to immediately rent the film. Priorities!

- The Best Show is under attack. Tom unfurls the details (starts at 2:06) in the form of a fairy tale, omitting the names of the guilty to avoid giving more exposure to the filth who attacked him.

There once was a little boy named Tommy, who hosted a radio program in a faraway land called Newbridge. He generously made himself available to one and to all, via open phone Tuesday, via friendsoftom.com, and the chat contained therein. Tommy answers e-mails for those who listen and ask questions. He sends out FOT membership cards for people joining the show's brigade of loyal supporters. Tommy’s very busy, but he does everything he can to try to keep up with everyone who listens because he appreciates them even more than Dane Cook appreciates his audience. This is the same reason why this little prince will be holding a personal appearance on the escalators at the Exchange Place PATH station after tonight's program.

This fair young prince has a computer at home. And one of the young boys who calls the show got a hold of Tommy’s instant messaging address through nefarious means. Armed with the prized handle, he started writing him. Again and again and again, under a variety of different names. And Tommy didn’t like it. His time is very tight. He doesn’t have time to talk all the live long day to everyone on his computer. So this young bridge troll kept contacting him in increasingly mean tones. A week and a half ago, the cretten contacted Tommy and pretended to be someone else. And when Tommy said, “I’m going to block you,” that young bridge troll let loose with a stream of foul language. Now Tommy didn’t know that this was indeed that young bridge troll, because that young bridge troll changes his name all the time. Tommy has gotten scary, threatening letters in the past from unhinged listeners, so it was unsettling to all of a sudden start getting instant messages from an aggressive interloper, typing vicious messages from the cover of online alter egos. Tommy does the radio show for free, and he loves doing the radio show, but when people scare him and write threatening things on an instant message account that he’s never given out, he doesn’t like it. This is part of the reason that Tommy wasn’t here last week to do his show.

So Tommy contacts his youngest friend, who he has been through thick and thin with, and that friend has that IM address. Tommy asks him if his bridge troll friend got his IM address. And that young friend said, "Yes, that is him." This confirmation made Tommy feel better, secure in knowing that at least it was not some deranged psychopath getting ready to launch a serious assault. So then Tommy asks that young friend for the e-mail address of the bridge troll's parents. Tommy writes an email requesting that the child stop contacting him, yet he receives no response. Tommy followed up. Why no response? Because Mamma Bridge Troll refuses to apologize for her own son’s ill behavior. Tommy’s young friend actually got in trouble for providing the email to allow him to write the missive. Apparently some people don’t like getting contacting by someone they didn’t give their information out to. Furthermore, that parent refused to apologize because apparently their child did nothing wrong, despite the fact that he was cursing up a blue streak.

And because of this, people will have to be punished. If the young bridge troll contacts Tommy again, the police will be called and he will be locked up. Tom concludes the fairy tale by issuing a lifetime ban for the young bridge troll. The young friend of the bridge troll, who could not contain the sacred IM address, was given a two-year ban. Judge Tom has spoken.

- Tom gets a call (starts at 2:16) from an actual police officer, and it just happens to be Officer Tom, who says he'll always have Tom's back. (It just occurred to me that Tom should ask OT if he's ever run into Officer Harrups on his beat.) OT is fresh from a successful Listener Hour this past Saturday (8/5), although Tom hasn't heard it yet due to oversleeping. I, however, have heard OT's set, and I'm pleased to report that he delivered 55 exhilarating minutes of Body Count tunes! And unlike Purple Shirt's controversial LH stint back in June, there were no sugar-high six-year-olds testing the limits of the FCC decency restrictions. OT let Ice-T take care of that.

OT praises Tom's impeccable handling of the case so far and is willing to assist him if he chooses to follow through with involving the authorities. When it comes down to ill, mutant parenting, sometimes doing the right thing is not enough. OT knows the general area that the assailant hails from and has cop friends that would have no problem making a courtesy call to Mamma or Pappa Bridge Troll. Tom appreciates the offer, but will hold off for now. He's made his point. OT mentions the June 2004 live remote from the Hess gas station, and Tom wants to do it again after OT’s return from an eight-day jaunt to the UK. Tom wants him to come back from the trip with a report, and OT's not sure how the UK will take to his arrival. Tom thinks that OT may redefine the notion of an Ugly American for the unsuspecting Brits.

OT mentions a t-shirt with a picture of an assault rifle and the text “Happiness is a warm bus”. He was warned against bringing it, but Tom thinks he should wear it to the airport because of the ensuing hilarity of watching OT's four-hour explanation to security personnel. OT will forgo the provocative garb because he's going over there as an ambassador of TBS, northern NJ, and cops in general. Tom is confident that OT will represent the country well. Engalander and FOT rep Jason will undoubtedly be keeping tabs on OT's behavior/tabloid write-ups during his stay.

There was also a TBS tie-in to OT's LH in the form of some talk about the Great Moments in WFMU History, An Illustrated Legacy Of Misfits and Malcontents trading cards that were included in the 2006 Mouse Pledge package. The set marks OT as an official part of station lore with a card depicting the infamous Punching for Pledges event during the 2004 marathon. OT thinks Mistress of Swag Megan is to thank for the reference. The front of the card features OT's Hulk-y fists of fury, while the back provides a textual recap of the legendary Purple Shirt vs. OT showdown. OT points out that a lot of people really don’t know that the biggest thing that occurred on that epic show was a full-on liplock with Purple Shirt at the urging of Jason. OT dismisses his brief lapse into homoeroticism because it was all for a good cause. However, he admits to still being haunted by the kiss over two years later.

- A caller wants to play (starts at 2:25) Good/Not So Good, which initially seems like a welcome diversion from the traumatic and intense bridge troll talk. The caller offers Oliver Stone's new film, World Trade Center. Tom hasn't seen it, but says it looks Not So Good. Tom also assigns Not So Good status to the caller's phone connection (emanating from the basement of a friend's house) and the trajectory of his life. Tom then bids him a Not So Goodbye.

The caller returns after migrating to a different part of the house and informs Tom that John McLoughlin, the Port Authority police officer who was the last man rescued from the Ground Zero rubble and played by Nicholas Cage in the Stone film, is from Goshen. Tom will not hold his birthplace against him and is glad he’s alive. The caller is from Goshen and suffers a more unkind fate: GOMPed.

- "Jimbo" is the first caller to venture into a new segment called Lighthouse Confessions, a revealing take-off on HBO's Taxicab Confessions, but without the filth talk. Callers can divulge their deepest, darkest secrets under the anonymity that radio generously provides. "Jimbo" peers out into the beautiful, nighttime waters and smells the salty breeze as Tom sits in a big leather chair, illuminated by the glow of soft candlelight. Tom cuts through the idyllic imagery with a foghorn blast, signalling that it's time for "Jimbo" to start confessin'.

One night, Jimbo had just departed a three-year relationship and went to a bar. He looks over to see some lady snarling into her drink. After a few more drinks, she looks over and says, “You wanna get outta here?!” Lonely and dejected, Jim agrees to go to her nearby apartment. The place looks like Baghdad -- stuff turned over, clothes everywhere, a total mess suggesting that she was recently burglarized. The lights go out, and all he can see is her silhouette in the window. She’s disrobing; he’s a little nervous. He feels claws on his chest, and then WHAM -- she rolls him over, tears his shirt, rips his belt, and proceeds to scratch and ravish him. He should be in ecstasy, but he’s not. He lets out a yelp/scream. He's scared. “I can’t do this,” he says as he gets up. “Whaddya doing?,” the woman-beast asks. “Sorry, I can’t do it unless I’m in love,” Jimbo replies. “Oh, God!”, she says, flipping on the lights. “New York men.” Jimbo tries to explain that he's not a NY native, but since he's a current resident, the woman lumps him into the category anyway. He apologizes and flees the scene.

Tom throws Jimbo in the water with a Get Outta My Lighthouse (GOML).

- FOT Laurie calls (starts at 2:34) to revive the long-dormant FWD of the Week® feature by nominating the man-tanned, Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis for a month-long residency. Laurie has been beating the douche drum on the FOT board and was pushed over the edge by Claire Hoffman's recent L.A. Times expose. Laurie's assesment is that he's "kinda creepy", and Tom points out that she's severely understating the case against him. Hoffman punched Francis after he demonstrated a cop-like strongarm maneuver on her, though it remains unclear if she is the same pugilist who socked Francis in the eye, causing him to call the fire department.

Extreme douches like JF make the likes of the Aberzombie seem like relatively ok dudes. Tom approves the nomination.

- A very disoriented guy calls (starts at 2:36) and he can't recall his identity. He's also not sure how he managed to dial the show's number. Tom asks him where he is, and the caller thinks he's somewhere in Europe. Tom wonders why he can't check to confirm his location, but the caller starts talking about how he has to get back for the premiere. The caller hangs up before Tom could inform him that he's Trent L. Strauss, referring to the September premiere of The Tool Belt Killer.

Reeeeeecidivism: A popular online funzone and a damning affliction

- "Weedy" calls (starts at 2:37) to request a trial for Petey because he been "banned unfairly kind of." Tom tells Weedy to get Petey and then he'll turn it over to the listeners. Weedy bangs a drum and Petey takes the phone. Tom has a few True/False questions for his young friend.

1. Tom gave him his IM address and told him to be careful with it. TRUE.

2. All of a sudden, Tom starts getting IMs from somebody else. TRUE.

3. And the somebody in question got that IM address from Petey. PARTIALLY TRUE.

Tom demands further explanation for the answer to the third question. Petey says he was chilling at his house (Tom indicates that the use of "chilling" should yield a three-year banishment) on the computer when his two friends came over. One older friend is the bridge troll brother; the younger one is the bridge troll himself. The littler brother is kind of annoying, so he goes on the computer and takes a peek at Petey's Buddy List while Petey is getting them ice cream with cherries on top. He snatched the screen name, an act Petey does not think is his fault.

He admits that he should have been more protective of the Buddy List and thinks that the theft occurred because the troll was able to automatically log on with his asterisk’d, saved password. The troll just clicked Sign On, and the rest is history. He started bugging Tom and then lapsed into nastiness. Petey is not surprised by this behavior: "He’s a mean kid, Tommy.” Tom gives Petey 30 seconds to make his closing argument. Petey says that he shouldn’t be banned because he didn’t give out his screen name on purpose. So like instead of like first degree, it should be a third-degree punishment. He didn’t want it to happen. Tom turns the listening audience into the jury and 10 votes either way will end the proceedings.

The voting:

1. Fred from Queens: Yo man, he’s Guilty, man. Petey says he loves that guy and finds him pretty funny.

2. Guilty: Petey is clearly negligent. As loyal supporters of the show, we should at least be able to respect The Kid’s safety and make him feel comfortable once a week for three hours.

3. Not Guilty: Petey is the highpoint of the show, which doubles as his Lighthouse Confession. He’s allowed to make mistakes as a youngster. GOMPed, but the vote stands.

4. Not Guilty: Assigns guilt to the bridge troll family and wants them jailed.

5. Not Guilty: Avid IM user who has had his Buddy Lists stolen. He did not like it when it happened, but does not feel he’s to blame. The caller believes that people use each other’s computers as readily as microwaves. Tom thinks the reasoning is stupid, but the vote counts.

6. Not Guilty: No reason given.

7. Guilty: Convinced of Petey's guilt, but disagrees with the overly harsh sentence. Tom agrees to reconsider it. He also points out that there's a bonehead name for what Petey is: recidivist.

8. Not Guilty: Uses IM all the time and does not know how to hide the Buddy List.

9. Guilty: Community service is offered as a potential punishment. Petey suggests volunteering at the station to lick envelopes. Tom prohibits any punishment that involves video game development (e.g., Level 9 of Atlin's Revenge). Petey seems to suggest that Tom's star status is at least partly to blame: “When you become above a person and you become an icon, there’s some things you can’t prevent, Tommy.” Tom rejects the notion and declares that Petey's house is out of order.

10. Guilty: No reason given. The caller appeared to be speaking in a fake British accent. Maybe it was Morrissey.

11. Not Guilty: Because Tom’s a punk. Tom disallows the vote, although Petey points out that punks are cool for going against society.

12. Guilty: Petey needs to keep on keeping on on his brother.

13. Guilty: We’ve all watched Petey grow up and mature with the show, and he needs a little time to continue his growth. Petey argues that he’s more mature than most listeners of the show. Touche.

14. Guilty: Petey left the Buddy List out in full view and was not careful.

15. Guilty: Petey was entrusted with the IM address, and he messed up.

Petey begins to sense his guilty fate, so he asks Tom if he's ever read the play A Man For All Seasons. Tom doesn't know what it is and is even less certain of what Petey means when he claims that the trial is like a journey of self-discovery. Petey notes that it's OCDJ's favorite play. Tom is not familiar with this person.

Tom gives Petey the option to plea bargain. If he reaches 10 guilty votes, Tom will decide the punishment. Petey can propose a punishment and settle out of court. He suggests volunteering at WFMU, but that's not good enough. Petey ups the ante by saying that he would get beaten by Ken Freeman while volunteering. Tom doesn’t want him beaten and thinks he should be volunteering for the station anyway. Petey explains that he can’t get down to JC because his Faffer is too "overprotecteb", even forbidding Petey walk down to the store. Tom comments on Petey's predilection for inserting errant "b's" into words to create his own goofball tongue. Petey says it's all an act inspired by Andy Warhol, with whom he shares an artistic kinship. Tom thinks that one thing Petey will have in common with Warhol is that they will be be non-existent on the show.

Petey offers to donate more money to WFMU. Tom rejects the monetary compensation since that is also already part of his standard duties supporting the station. Tom thanks Petey for his prior pledges. Petey tries a different approach in the form of writing personal letters of apology to every FOT. Tom says he doesn't want to do that; Petey thinks it might be fun. He offers to write Tom a letter, but Tom says that he's apologizing right now on the air. Petey thinks the listeners should come up with a sentence. Tom reminds him that there's still a chance he could run the gauntlet to his freedom.

16. Captain Jack votes Not Guilty: No reason given; Tom says that he lost his voting privileges due to a prior drug felony conviction, but counts it anyway.

17. The caller has a clarification question for the court: Was it immediately obvious it was Tom’s screen name? It was. Guilty.

That's it. By a final vote of 10-6, Petey is convicted on the charge improper handling of an IM address. Petey thinks it's like 12 Angry Men all over again, but Tom points out that the jury's deliberations are over and there's no Henry Fonda to save him.

A medley of potential punishments are discussed, including Petey suggestion that he could serve as Tom's envoy to the troll parents. Tom says it's over with them -- they made their bed and will have to sleep with their bad parenting. Tom also nixes the idea of Petey compiling the prize packs for the theme song contest winners because he doesn't want people to get shortchanged with an issue of The Mig replacing their proper loot. Petey says he would go to Kim's to get some good stuff to put in the packages.

Petey is grieving for what he's done and throws himself at the mercy of the court in an effort to get the ban reduced to six months. A caller suggests that Petey should work to save the podcast. Tom likes this idea and tells Petey that there are only 48 existing subscribers. Petey thinks the total is pretty goob since his podcast only has two. Tom says he would jump in front of a truck if Petey's podcast outdrew his podcast. Tom orders Petey to find creative ways to get people to subscribe. Tom will track the numbers and needs to see a spike in subscribers. In addition to that, Petey will have to devote an entire issue of The Mig to the bridge troll travesty. Petey claims he lacks the requisite amount of paper and says his readers are not interested in it. Tom says the audiences are the same. Petey disputes the overlapping and says that he can make it on his own as an independent publisher.

Petey is GOMPed to await the official sentence on the FOT board. After two days of careful consideration of all of the material facts in the case, Judge Tom Scharpling issued his final ruling on August 10, 2006 to complete the penalty phase of The Best Show vs. Petey Vol. 2. The terms of the punishment exhibit the fairness we've come to expect from Judge Scharpling, and they also give the young, remorseful recidivist a chance to flex his artistic muscles in a variety of formats: proper English radio oratory, literary prowess, creative marketing skills, and songwriting chops. However, the ruling was not without some controversy. Recidivism is still investigating the claims made by Shannon, Tom's stenographer, in the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald. She told the paper that when Judge Scharpling was drafting the official details of the sentence in his chambers, she heard a "whoosing" sound, followed by a "dull, low-impact thud." In addition to the auditory evidence, she says she retrieved some kind of paper "readout" containing unspecified data.

Can Petey rejuvanate his reputation and resume his place in the good graces of The Kid? Bobby thinks so:

"Son, you know it's possible to become so defiled in this world that your own mother and father will abandon you, and if that happens God will always believe in your own ability to mend your own ways." -- Bobby Dylban, recounting his father's wisdom at the 1991 Grammy Awards.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Petey dishes out some court-ordered King's English, Spike returns with a gruesome Orange Crate Confession, and Doctor Love takes over the studio after converting the WFMU Magic Factory into a Kiss-themed Bed & Breakfast Inn.

Tom's judicial duties didn't allow for enough time to spin the triumphant County Mounty outro, so here's something even better to take this recap home:

Posted by Omar at 9:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

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Lt. Jim Dangle has everything under control.

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Dr. Kirby has made it easy to think of liposuction as a kind of casual thing you do when you get the hankerin'.

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Chelsea Peretti, Level 3 prankster.

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Part 5 of magician, author, bon vivant, raconteur, and prestigitator extraordinaire Ricky Jay's 1989 TV special, Learned Pigs and Fireproof Women:

Part 1 (Martin intro + melon penetration!)
Part 2 ("Camelbacking" -- SFW)
Part 3 (Incredibly strong Belgian woman)
Part 4 (One-man Oliver Twist)
Part 6 (Poker and puppets)
Part 7 (Really fast math + Chris "Jesus" Ferguson fact checkin')
Part 8 (Houdini automaton)
Part 9 ("Ode to Joy" + Butterfly + Paula Zahn and Harry Smith asking viewers to "Wake up to the 90s" with them)

Sprinkled throughout: Elayne Boosler!

UPDATE: Appears that someone has spoiled the fun under the guise of "copyright infringement". Oh, that old standby. Jerks.

Posted by Omar at 6:29 PM | Permalink | Comments

Doctor Love will fulfill all of your fontasies on Gene Simmons Family Jewels (series premiere tonight on A&E, 10 p.m.)

In the fifth episode, Gene invites Fresh Air host Terry Gross to his pleasure palace for a barbecue, and their freewheeling discussion ranges from Hezbollah to proper tongue care. Terry manages to get Gene drunk for the first time in his life, and the two former sparring partners end up entwined in an intense, consensual game of "erotic Twister".

Here's the God of Thunder's classic turn as Newton Blade on Miami Vice:

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The best metal band in the US and A hails from Atlanta, Georgia. They are called Mastodon. They have been known to make Chunklet publisher Henry Owings giggle like a giddy schoolgirl. Their last long-player, Leviathan, plucked lyrical themes from Melville's long-reader, Moby Dick. I'll need more time to unearth the literary inspiration for their forthcoming Warner Brothers debut (9/12), although on first listen I'm getting a vibe that suggests either Hawthorne's short stories or that first Ethan Hawke novel.

Here's the leadoff track:

Mastodon - "The Wolf Is Loose"

[Stream "Capillarian Crest" and "Crystal Skull" at their Myspace headquarters.]

( Click here to pre-order Blood Mountain)

Posted by Omar at 9:55 PM | Permalink | Comments

Alan Sepinwall delivers his long-teased piece* on The Wire (s4 premieres on HBO, 9/10, 10 p.m.).

[*s3 SPOILERS; I skipped the s4 preview at the end due to the "mild spoilers" warning.]

"I wish I'd said 'I'll send you $130 bucks to watch all 13 episodes,'" Simon lamented to me shortly after a "Wire" press conference with the Television Critics Association last month. "It probably would have violated every (newspaper) ethics policy. But I wish I'd said it. You know, 'If you watch all 13 episodes and don't like them, I'll send you $130, which is $10 per episode. I know $10 for an hour of your time isn't a lot, but we're "The Wire" and our resources are limited.'"

Having devoured all 13 hours even before sitting down with Simon, I can say I have no need of a refund. If anything, I feel like I should be paying more than my HBO subscription rate for this show. It is the best drama in HBO history - all due respect to "The Sopranos" and "Deadwood," "The Wire" is deeper, tighter and more ambitious - and one of the finest works ever produced for American television.

( Click here to buy The Wire season 3)

Posted by Omar at 9:43 AM | Permalink | Comments

Cindy Overton interviews the Manhattan Vegan:

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Making the moves on you!

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"The set designers obviously had a big box of “Kid’s Stuff,” like sports flyers and music posters."

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DFA1979 are done. That sucks. Perhaps you would like to perform some sort of tribute?

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And then you escape out the fake rock Dharma hatch.

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Sergie Rachmaninoff :: Piano Concerto #3, First Movement (get the entire work on iTMS)

Rachmaninoff's third piano concerto is considered by many to be the hardest piece to perform in the world. As proof, it's what turned David Helfgott into a 'tard when he attempted it in Shine. Not to mention that any Rachmaninoff piano work is difficult to play in the first place - the man had hands that could reach a 13th on the piano (to put that into perspective, an octave (which is typically considered a normal, comfortable reach) is only an 8th), and he wrote his compositions seemingly assuming everyone else in the world was as well endowed. Fucking Russians.

It's technically challenging, for sure, but it's brilliant. Ever since I heard this piece performed by the ASO last season, I cannot stop listening to it ... a few times a week at least. It's simply gorgeous, which is a fact that I wasn't fully appreciative of until I witnessed it performed live. That's one thing about classical music that's hard to get across sometimes: live performances, compared to a recording, will move you in more ways than you'd expect. So much so that you can find yourself near the point of tears and wondering, "WTF am I haxxored?!?". Try attending a performance of Mozart's Requiem. You'll see. I DARE you.

And, welp ... that's the blurb. I figured the R's first classical music post needed some kind of blah[x3] to wrapper it up good. Do enjoy my first attempt at freshening your musical breath, will you? Rach you like a hurricane ...

Posted by mixednut at 8:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

[via a man?]

Posted by x amount at 8:33 PM | Permalink | Comments

As a kid, I remember getting more annoyed each Christmas as the super space LEGO sets added more and more prefab pieces. Don't give me a fully formed cockpit, you jerks. Back off. Let me build it and suffer the abstraction. Like this.

[via td.]

Posted by x amount at 4:45 PM | Permalink | Comments

The totally stinkin' Bob Odenkirk on Tom Green Live!:

Posted by Omar at 7:13 AM | Permalink | Comments

A sampling of status messages from my company's internal IM eight months later. Some people just stick to their guns (but refine their status ever so slightly to achieve perfection).

Anana
SPECIAL!

Barbara
Tall Red Head in Dallas

David
I'm not fat I'm big-boned

Dennis
I'm here somewhare...

Dennis (2)
go back to WORK!!!

Heather
Go Eagles!

Kelli
BUSY!!!

Mark
Hola!

Matt
Lost in translation.

Mike
Working in the Black Hole!!

Sybil
Elvis Fan #1

me
is Jay Z talented? Let's discuss.

(Note: SHIPPINGS BEST was fired.)

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 10:59 AM | Permalink | Comments

"A few years ago Paul Thomas Anderson made a short film starring none-other than Elliott Smith, as a Rastafarian basketball player. Amazing, right? If Paul can find it in one of his 4 storage units in LA he has graciously promised to let you see it."

Posted by Omar at 8:06 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by mixednut at 9:44 PM | Permalink | Comments

Beck - Your Cheatin' Heart (Amazon)
Beck - (I Heard That) Lonesome Whistle (Live on KCRW)

Posted by DOP at 7:50 PM | Permalink | Comments

“I broke that out of my canister of quips and snaps.” -- Philly Boy Roy, finally revealing the source of his neverending supply of comebacks

“I admire any kind of person that can make a livin’ sitting down.” -- Philly Boy Roy on his respect for sedentary professionals

“They’re not at all cosmopolitan like we’s is." -- Philly Boy Roy on the unsophisticated Ames, Iowa-based Zieglers

“They made a bad record, you don't need to play it!” -- Fred, not a fan of Led Zeppelin's "Hot Dog"

“Knock it off” -- Tom, sending a message to Hezbollah

"They're not your fans, buddy." -- Tom delivering some bad news to meet-and-greet proponent Robert Kelly

“Daddy likes.” -- Tom after getting some Fruit Punch + Berry Gatorade to put out the fire in his mouth

“We bring guns to knife fights.” – Tom, telling the Goshen kids how The Best Show rolls

“I hate everything about this.” -- Tom, finding nothing to admire in Clerks

“I’m reading this guy’s book. I’m studying every move!” -- Tom on his Rommel-inspired approach to defeating Kevin Smith

“One for Jay and Silent Bob.” -- Single-ticket guys about to get their opening day Smith fix

“There might be a couple of copies of Daredevil #1 at Kevin Smith’s house.” -- Tom, suggesting some budgetary tomfoolery on Clerks II

“Let me just let the local ruffian from my town pollute the screen for 10 minutes.” -- Kevin Smith on an alternative approach to the intense emotional sweep of Magnolia

“You did it, Smith. You got me in the theater again.” -- Tom, on the myterious allure of the View Askewniverse

"How many ladles of spoiled soup must you people eat before you realize the whole pot has gone bad?" -- Tom, wondering when the fanboys will Wise Up

[TBSOWFMU - 7/25/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Fotpedia / Headquarters]

Swervedriver - "For Seeking Heat" (from the OOP Mezcal Head)

( Click here to buy Juggernaut Rides '89-'98 [IMPORT])

The Thermals - "Here's Your Future"

( Click here to pre-order The Body, The Blood, The Machine)

Chad VanGaalen - "Dead Ends"

( Click here to pre-order Skelliconnection)

Tommy Keene - "Places That Are Gone" (from the OOP Songs From The Film)

( Click here to buy Tommy Keene recordings)

Guided By Voices - "Goldheart Mountaintop Queen Directory" (Live at the 40 Watt, 1/22/00)

Guided By Voices - "The Official Ironmen Rally Song" (Live at the 40 Watt, 1/22/00)

( Click here to buy Guided By Voices recordings)

I received an overwhelmingly positive response (2 pro, 1 con) to the new feature launched in the 7/11/06 show recap, so here's the hotttly-anticipated Youse Are On Notice #2.

I wasn't even supposed to be here recapping today, but I've got my POT-80 Porta-Ghetto, some Soul Asylum tapes (post-Twin/Tone only), a fully-loaded canister of pop culture references, and a small "Buddy Christ" figurine to guide me. In other words, snootchie bootchies!

Wit heavy hearts: Distraught Philadelphians line up for a vigil to honor the life of cheesesteak pioneer Harry Olivieri. Not pictured: Roy Ziegler, Jr. convincing his father to hotwire and steal the vehicles of the mourners.

- Philly Boy Roy checks in (starts at 25:17) with a whimpering "Poor Harry ...", and Tom's not sure who he's talking about. PBR thinks Tom's ignorance is crazy and reveals that it's Harry Olivieri. Tom wants to know a.) who that is and b.) why PBR is crying. Harry is the brother of Pat Olivieri, of Pat’s Steaks fame, and he recently died at the age of 90. The brothers co-invented the cheesesteak, thus making them eternal culinary heroes in Philly. PBR kinda knew Harry because he threw him out of Pat's a few times. In fact, PBR had a rough relationship with both brothers, and Pat, who died in 1970, threw him out when he was a six-year-old whippersnapper because he was stealing stuff from the restaurant. Tom wonders what one could actually steal from a restaurant, and PBR says he and 15 other kids from his class tried to take their oven. The heist didn't get too far -- they thought the oven would be on rollers, but it was bolted down to the kitchen floor. Tom tells him that it's pretty standard for restaurant ovens, and PBR says: “Don’t get snippy, I’m in mourning.”

Tom says he’s sorry that Harry died and feels for the Olivieri family's loss. PBR admits that he did not like anyone in his family since they all threw him out on occasion, but he gives Harry requisite props for the cheesesteak invention. PBR wants Tom to play a song in memory of Harry’s passing: “Cheesesteak Rag” by The Mummers, a 45-rpm record issued by PHIdelity Records. (The "PHI" honors the code for Philadelphia International Airport.)

Cop sirens can be heard in the background and PBR explains that he’s in front of Pat’s Steaks having a "mourning thing". The cops are trying to keep order among the 7,000 people, a wild scene PBR compares to the events in Tehran when the Ayatollah’s body was paraded through nem streets. A bit earlier, they took Harry’s body on a similar journey to the funeral home through the streets of South Philly. However, a bunch of the pallbearers (likely drunk from grief-fueled Yeungling consumption) got carried away and he kinda spilled out. PBR is trying to blend into the crowd because the cops are after them and people was taking pictures of the spill. PBR tells Tom that he might see him on the cover of the Enquirer on Wednesday. Tom wonders if it’s the National Enquirier, and PBR tells him that it’s the Philadelphia Inquirier, calling Tom a "Philadummy".

Tom thinks this is the debut of a new retort, but PBR reminds him that he broke out the term from his "canister of quips and snaps" during his call two weeks ago. He calls Tom a regular "dummy" for that mistake. PBR then suggests that Tom did not have the “cajones” to do a show last week. Tom informs PBR that he was simply on a nice vacation, and PBR wants to know where he went. Tom says he will address it in an upcoming segment, but allows PBR to take some guesses: Buffalo, Rochester, Upper Merion, PA., and Ames, Iowa, the site of the Ziegler family reunions. PBR explains that his family actually comes from Iowa, but they broke off with nem other Iowan Zieglers and came to Philly in the late 1800s. PBR asks Tom if he’s seen National Lampoon’s Vacation, specifically the scene when Clark Griswold and his clan went to visit Randy Quaid and his clan. PBR thinks that the cultural clash is similar to the Ziegler reunions because the Iowa-based family members are "not at all cosmopolitan like we’s is.” Tom speculates that it’s like Randy Quaid meeting himself, but PBR says that his family is the city people, and pulls a trusty "dunce" from his canister.

PBR heard Tom spin Led Zepplin’s “Hot Dog” in his opening music set and thinks it's a bit odd – a maligned cut from a maligned album (In Through the Out Door)). PBR describes the track as “kinda rockabilly” and Tom agrees with everything he said except the word “kinda”. PBR has always thought Bonham was a little heavy-handed on the drum kit. He thinks his style is perfect for a track like “Achilles Last Stand,” but believes Bonzo was out of his element when the band tried to soften it up a bit. Tom didn't know that PBR was such a big Zep fan. PBR says he’s a total drum geek and has subscribed to Modern Drummer since age 7. PBR is not a drummer, but he wishes he was. Despite not playing the instrument, he reads the magazine cover to cover and is wearing Modern Drummer sweatbands during the call. Tom wants to know what PBR gets out of a niche magazine geared for one type of musician. PBR explains that he admires any person that can earn a living while seated.

Tom correctly assumes that PBR also admires computer programmers, security guards, and tollbooth operators. PBR also subscribes to Tollbooth Monthly and Security Guard Digest, which feature centerfolds of the best looking guys and gals in those professions. PBR wonders why Tom sounds so surprised, and Tom says he can’t believe there’s a "movie" like that. Tom’s misspeak gives PBR an idea: Tollbooth: The Movie. PBR asks Tom to guess who could bring the film to life with incredible ease. PBR says it's someone Tom knows, so it's an easy guess: Trent L. Strauss.

PBR says he’s a huge fan of Strauss’s work, and owns all nem Face Peelers on VHS except for Face Peelers 5, the only film of the series that Strauss didn't direct. He compares Strauss's teen slasher Blood Puddles 2: The Oozing to Citizen Kane, and Tom agrees that within the splatter genre the comparison might actually be apt. PBR says he can't wait until the release of "TBK", and Tom quickly identifies it as The Tool Belt Killer. PBR is a bit surprised that Tom's heard of it, and Tom says he's heard a bit too much about it. PBR thinks it’s due out in September, but heard that something crazy happened on a hike that Trent Strauss went on. Tom said he was actually climbing Mt. Everest. PBR said he heard he was climbing some hill and ain’t been heard from, but Tom tells him that he called the show once post-hike, confirming that he was still alive.

Tom assumed that it was news, but PBR did not read about it in Premiere or Creative Screenwriting. Tom jokingly suggests checking Uninspired Screenwriting, and PBR wonders if that’s a dig at yours truly. Tom says it’s more of a dig at Trent L. Strauss. PBR says he has plenty of digs to throw right back at Tom if he’s up for it. PBR vows to bring a backhoe over to WFMU, provided that Rent-Alls is open. If not, he’ll have to wait until next Tuesday around 5 p.m., rent it, and then wait a bit before driving up and doing him. Since it goes 8 mph, Tom tells him that he won’t make it. Tom suggests leaving tomorrow in the hopes of arriving by next Tuesday.

PBR reiterates his request for “Cheesesteak Rag”, and since Tom can't fulfill it, PBR breaks into song:

Everybody's doin' nem Cheesesteak Rag!

Everybody's doin' nem Cheesesteak Rag!

From South Philly to Roosevelt Avenue,

Everyone’s doin' that Cheesesteak Rag!

All night, All night!

...and all day!

Tom says it sounds like a very focused song, and PBR says Tom should wait for the banjo to come in courtesy of nem Mummers. Tom sarcastically bills the banjo as one of his favorite instruments, so PBR decides it’s time to kick him to the curb. Tom says that PBR cannot kick him to the curb, so PBR initiates a hang-up war. Tom claims victory!

- Fred calls (starts 39:16) to propose a truce because he's also in mourning. Fred recently caught a mouse at his "house" and kept him in a cage, gave him clothes, and fed him cheese balls and Cheez Doodles®. Fred preferred to keep him as a pet instead of offing him. The relationship was short-lived -- after either three or five days, the mouse went and died on him. Tom presses Fred on his residence, and it's revealed that he has a room in a building with a lot of other rooms.

Fred was so depressed that he didn't even do his “thing” today. His voice is not as hoarse because he couldn’t even be happy and do any drugs. Fred hopes that Tom is not mad at him since he's temporarily drug-free. Tom says he comes on strong and talks tough without backing it up. Fred says he’s just speaking the Truth. Tom mentions the proposed fight on the Triboro Bridge a few weeks back and Fred claims he would have shown, but figured Tom had to do the rest of the show and could never make it. Tom wants to let it go and move on.

Fred reluctantly grants Tom permission to play “bad Led Zeppelin” because it’s his show. Tom wants to know what’s wrong with “Hot Dog”, and Fred says everybody knows the difference between good Zep and bad Zep. He says that Tom needs to accept that they made a bad record and not play it. Fred thinks Tom should play good stuff like Jim E. Hendrix and Ike & Tina Turner, music that first locked him into WFMU. Fred says the mouse is starting to smell, but he can’t bring himself to toss it. He asks Tom if he should save the mouse bones as a memento. Tom says it’s his call on the bone collecting. Fred remains sad, but Tom assures him that there will be another mouse to catch. Fred ends the call by predictably praising last week's show with fill-in Billy Jam.

Curb Your Enthusiasm, Eh?: Toronto's answer to Larry David is all aboot charm, not laughs.

- Tom begins the discussion (starts 43:56) of his mini-vacation escape to Niagara Falls and Toronto by apologizing to area FOTs for not notifying them of his arrival. The Kid needed a break and was in cool-down mode. Tom was pleased with the vacation spots, but found the intermittent, 1994-ish Internet access in his Toronto hotel room to be soft-serve. Tom speculates that Toronto listeners have to deal with constant cut-outs when listening to the live stream. Tom scolds Toronto for the bush-league move of forcing him into an Internet cafe alongside weirdo gamers out for a night on the town. Tom gives a thumbs-down for Internet access, but gives a thumbs-up for Canadian TV. He mentioned three highlights of his viewing:

1. The entire six-episode run of an amazing program called Hart Of The Annex. Tom describes the show as the response of some dude who saw Curb Your Enthusiasm and decided to do his own version with him just tooling around his apartment and hanging out in Toronto. It's financed by having scenes take place at local businesses as advertisements. Tom will definitely not need side-replacement surgery, but did find it charming and beautifully Canadian.

2. Prank Patrol, a half-hour lowercase-p prank program that achieves new levels of gentleness. The Discovery Kids Canada offers a description for the episode Tom watched:

"Our Pranster [sic] (Chelsea) challenges her brother, self-proclaimed King of Pranking, by setting him up with an Archaelogist to dig up dinosaur bones. But he discovers much more than he imagined."

Tom said that the prank involved a Canadian special effects guru constructing a dinosaur egg from which a remote-conrol dinosaur would eventually emerge. The brother ran seven feet away from it at the reveal. A monster then came out of the bushes and it attacked the host of the show, who was pretending to be the archaelogist. The brother immediately untangled the bottom-shelf ruse: “Oh, that’s fake.”

3. NBA MVP Steve Nash doing commercials for MDG, a Canadian computer company. In the ad, Nash tells Canadians that they have to stay competitive with the world by being on top of technology. In order to do that, they can get a PC, the latest software, and an .mp3 player from MDG for $1/day. Tom thought it sounded like a good deal until realizing that the .mp3 player cost $9, the computer cost $200, and the latest software cost $40. I did some digging around and discovered that the PC comes with the Jock Squad OS and most of the parts are refurbished pieces from the NC Radio Hut (Jeff Cooper's cousin is the CEO of MDG).

Tom concludes that when it comes to the hardwood, Nash is the MVP, but when it comes to selling computers, he's the LVP -- Least Valuable Pitchman. Tom tells the people of Canada to get their computers at a big-box retailer like Best Buy or their local Mom-and-Pop boutique. Tom says that if you want to learn about crossover moves, Nash is your guy. That diagonal, falling-backwards-in-the-paint shot? Nash. Trying to get your hands on some live Tragically Hip cuts? Ask Steve Nash. But computers? Sorry, Steve Nash. You're not the guy.

- Ivan calls (51:07) and his “uh”-laden funny voice yielded a quick dismissal. Mike the Associate Producier reveals that he did not use the funny voice when first calling, so this prompted a new Funny Voice Policy: Mike screens a call and puts them on hold. If they start doing a funny voice when Tom puts them on the air, Mike yells out “funny voice!”. The caller runs the risk of pretending that a funny voice is real and trying to get on the air with it. Otherwise, you will get busted.

Ivan calls back using his real voice and wants to know if Tom has ever been to Wawa market. Tom has. He wants to know if Tom enjoys it. Tom does. He wants Tom's take on the Wawa Gatorade selection. Tom's never really focused on it. Ivan is specifically referring to the Montgomery, NJ, location on route 206. He’s certain that Tom has passed by it because he’s been to the Princeton Record Exchange. This Wawa apparently has a Gatorade archive containing four cases -- CASES! -- of Gatorade in every color, style, and smell. Every varietal ever produced by the Gatorade company. Tom's not that impressed and responds with "And?" followed by a bomb noise. The combination of unfunny voice and unfunny observational humor (Dennis Miller, Jr.) yields bad news for young Ivan. Compared to the Gatorade riff, Tom found the funny voice riveting. Tom offers a quick lesson in Economics 101, stating that it's a simple case of supply and demand. Wawa is not a bottom-shelf organization with wily-nily stocking procedures. The locals want their Gatorade and they adjust their inventory accordingly.

The discussion gives Tom a craving for ice-cold Gatorade since his unrefreshing Diet Coke is not cutting it. The Kid’s dehydrated and his throat is clenching up. He wishes he was at the Wawa wonderland and could secure some fuchsia Gatorade.

- Noah calls (starts at 1:00) and asks Tom if he's been following the news lately. Tom thinks it might be a Jay Leno-ish joke setup, but Noah assures him he really wants to discuss recent troubling world events. Since Tom was on vacation, he's out of the loop on current events, so he needs a refresher from Noah. Noah informs Tom about Israel vs. Hezbollah, vs. Lebanon vs. The World vs. Patton Oswalt vs. Zach Galifianakis vs. The Amazing Screw-On Head. Tom reads Marvel, not DC, so he has no idea what he’s talking about. Noah wants Tom to go thumbs-up or thumbs-down on Israel but Tom offers a message instead: “Don’t be tough guys.” Tom thinks he should straighten out everybody and tells the Hez to "knock it off." He gives thumbs-up for everybody and thumbs-down for everybody. Tom's preferred hand gesture would be to put his thumbs out and his palm up to create an ersatz STOP sign.

Noah also wanted to share some information about new laser bean weaponry being used in Iraq. They were initially used to detonate IEDs, but have since expanded in scope to include melting the faces of bus passengers. Tom’s had enough. He’s going over there and will have it all fixed by next week. Noah’s glad since the Good Guys only have six months left to achieve victory. To escape from the depressing news cycle, Noah has been watching some good cartoons: Home Movies and Venture Brothers. That’s it. An hour of ‘toon fun. Noah doesn't think you can ask for much more than that in life. Tom thought of one thing: an ice-cold bottle of Gatorade.

Noah can’t bring him any since he’s in Flatbush, but he does offer to make Tom some watermelon juice the next time he's in the area. Noah needs no juicer -- he just chops it up and throws it in the blender. On a hot day in the 90s, he’ll drink a few refreshing glasses. Noah estimates that for each quarter chunk of watermelon, you can extract four 16 oz. glasses of juice. He declares the fruit itself a "big chunk of juice." Noah doesn’t want to continue to bore Tom, and Tom says that it’s way past the point of boredom. Noah laughs like Tom Hulce in Amadeus (props to Chris L for the accurate comparison) and Tom wants to elicit the eccentric guffaw again. Noah says he laughs easily and claims to have stolen the Hulcey sound from a friend named Ruby, who laughs like a donkey. Tom says it didn’t sound like a donkey; Noah says it was more like a little girl, and Tom thinks it’s an insult to little girls. This makes Noah laugh more normally. He admits to being nervous about being boring or getting GOMPed. Tom says he did fine and delivered a good call.

- Andy in Middletown calls (starts at 1:07) and wants some information about Wet Rat. Tom thinks he should ask himself about the band because he believes Andy is a member of Wet Rat. Andy denies it. He wonders if Wet Rat sent the demo to WFMU, so Tom asks him if he sent it. Tom hangs up, but doesn’t burn a GOMP because Andy seemed like an OK guy. GOMPs are like the “smart bombs” in Defender -- you only get three per show so you have to use them strategically.

- Tom talks about (starts at 1:13) about his newfound desire to make post-show personal appearances. Two weeks ago, Tom was inspired by Toooouuuuurgasm, where Dane Cook & Co. set up a folding table and met fans after their gigs. At 11:30, Tom went to the Exchange Place PATH station escalators and rode them up and down for 15 minutes, but nobody showed up. Tom canceled tonight’s personal appearance, but will resume next week. Tom thinks that a gaggle of FOTS riding up and down the escalators is a surefire way to get arrested. If security personnel inquires as to which one is the show's host, Tom will point to Mike the Associate Producer, who is also the Executive Escalator Supervisor. He'll then tell the officer that he was simply headed to the Journal Square station and has no involvement with the offending gang. Or, Tom might say “Let’s get ‘em!” and signal the FOTs to attack the security guard a la Turk 182, taking over the subway until Robert Urich gets health insurance.

Robert Kelly was big proponent of the meet-and-greet format, thinking that all comedians should shake every damn hand of every damn fan. Tom points out the unlikelihood that there are fans who are going to the show to tough out Cook’s 140-minute headlining set but really came for Kelly’s 16 minutes. Tom compares this to going to the Chiller and setting up a table next to Butch Patrick because your dad played the dragon under the stairs that operated the lever. The directive "Slide that down, Butch, I’m gonna sign it" is likely to be met with confusion and disappointment by fans of The Munsters.

- Tom has a message (starts at 1:20) for the people of Goshen:

“You guys think you’re slick, you kids think you’re funny, you kids think you’re in control. You know what? I’m gonna tell you right now: shoe’s on the other foot, guys. Shoe’s on the other foot. I got stuff in the works. I got somebody doing some dirty work up in Goshen. That’s all I’m gonna say.”

Guided By Voices - "Unleashed! The Large-Hearted Boy"

- Mark in NY calls (starts at 1:21) to chat about the Toooouuuuurgasm finale, particularly the moving depiction of Dane Cook's return to his roots to meet with his old high school teachers. Mark picked up on a telling moment where Cook's father is unenthused by the arrival of his son, and Cook laments that his old man doesn't give him credit for his success. In one scene, his father talks about the death of younger brother Darren Cook and wishes that Clarence Clemons had consumed Dane instead. Tom declares the Cook family to be soft rich kids and Dane a Kobe Bryantesque “success machine”. Tom believes Dane could have achieved equal success as a stockbroker, but it was the unluck of the draw that he chose comedy. His hypercompetitive spirit carries into paintball and miniature golf (nice hole-in-one from Gulman to take the title). Note: a flag was CGI'd into Cook's hands during the paintball sequence.

[The Cosmic Cowboy delivers a Fruit Punch + Berry Gatorade and Tom promptly puts out the fire on the roof of his mouth.]

Mark can understand the hypercompetitive soft-serve loyalists, but is baffled by Cook's broad appeal and thinks a lot of his supporters should know better, including HBO. Tom explains that HBO got into business with him to lure the dumb college kid demo and they inherited the already-in-production stink-bomb Toooouuuuurgasm. Mark and Tom agree that creepy MC Jay Davis is worse than Cook. Tom thinks Cook is being disengenious by pretending that the tour will elevate all of the comics, when he knows that they are likely going nowhere. Cook mentions that he likes seeing the performers' progress even though Jay Davis kept trying the dreadful "TLC Killer" joke, unpacking its mechanics for hours on end, and bombing without fail. There are some rumors that Davis will team up with Trent L. Strauss for a film adaptation of the joke. Perhaps a short that will play in front of The Tool Belt Killer? "Hey, filmgoers!!!!!! Are you ready for some Extreeeeeeeme Cinema????!!!!!"

Tom’s sick of discussing Cook and says that he could get 1 million Myspace friends if he kissed up to people like the morons in Goshen. The official town joke of Goshen is Cook's smashing ice cream cone bit, which Tom has now heard 9,000 times on Toooouuuuurgasm, SNL, and The Tonight Show.

- Joey from Goshen calls (starts at 1:29) and Tom immediately hangs up on him because he has no time to pal around with these kids. Goshen in a low priority for Tom. The mutants have ruined everything for legit Best Show fans in their town that will now be unable to get on the air. Joey calls back and says that he and Tom are not that different. He’s just a fan and wants to be Tom’s friend. He’s from a nice, cozy town in upstate New York. A historic place with horses. He won’t say the name, but offers to give Tom a hint. Tom accuses him of being Rumplestiltskin and wants the name. He reveals it and is cut off mid-Goshen. Tom is proud of his hang-up and boldly compares his editing skills to those of J Dilla and Madlib.

Robert Palmer - "Looking For Clues"

- Tom's second music set was an audio-textual-visual warning for Goshen: Jason Lowenstein's At Sixes and Sevens album cover depicts a tornado (The Best Show) chasing after a car (Goshen), the Misfits' "Horror Business" is more menacing and direct (I"ll put a knife right in you"), Yo La Tengo's "Beanbag Chair" comes from the forthcoming album titled I Am Not Afraid Of You And I Will Beat Your Ass, Mayo Thompson's Corky's Debt To His Father album cover shows a monkey (Goshen) in a cage, and the Chico Magnetic Band's "We All Come Cand Go" suggests that Goshen came and are about to go.

Tom warns the Goshen kids that they are messing with the crazy, scary grown-ups in The Best Show audience. If they dont watch who they are tussling with, they might get some of the Whack! Boom! Bap! Tom didn’t start it, but he’ll finish it.

Rescue Me: Denis Leary gets a history lesson and discovers the concept of joke writing

Tom compares the Goshen situation to Judgment Night -- they think they’re driving around in the party bus, but they made a wrong turn and now Denis Leary is hunting them down. Tom quickly decides he doesn’t want to be compared to Denis Leary. This leads to a mini-rant about all the twisted ideas being cooked up in the writer's rooms of all those awesome FX programs. Tom's sampled the network's offerings, but doesn't like any of them. He cites the recent domestic rape storyline on Rescue Me and a character breakdown of Nip/Tuck in which the five main characters were afflicted with every perversion/issue known to man, including night prowls.

- Jeff from Middletown calls (starts at 1:54) with his research findings that indicate that Dane Cook (Jeff admits to being a former fan) did not attend college. Tom is fine with that since he views his collegiate matriculation as one of the great wastes of time in his life. Jeff graduated from Alfred State, a vocational school for those aspiring to work as butlers for superheroes. In addition to his butler work, he'd like to be a web developer, much like UK-based FOT Jason, who has been taking The Best Show web products to new levels of fun.

Unfortunately, Goshen is very close to Middletown, and Tom thinks that Jeff may have to be punished by proximity. Jeff declares Goshen to be full of mutants and does not support the town. Since, like Cook, one of the Goshen kids worked at Burger King, Jeff thinks the next Cook may spring from the town. Tom doubts it. He gives Cook credit for doing it and thinks the Goshen kids are even softer. Cooke is talentless, but driven; the Goshen kids will just work at daddy’s accounting firm.

- Tom delivers (starts at 1:58) a glorious, hourlong Unfair Filmography Review, inspired by a screening of Clerks II. As he's mentioned on the show before, Tom's not much of a Kevin Smith fan. Both hail from the same general area of Jersey -- Smith's from the mean streets of South Central Jersey (Red Bank) and Tom's from Central Jersey (Newbridge). Tom was intrigued when Smith first came on the scene in 1994, repping Jersey and promising to provide a glimpse into the way it really is with his debut film. Tom was geared up for Clerks and scored a bootleg video after it was hot from the festival circuit. Tom devoured the feature stories in the Star-Ledger talking about the new genuis of Red Bank. Tom viewed the film and thought it was one of the worst things he's ever scene, but it hit him on a different level. Sometimes people will see/hear something (e.g., the first Velvet Underground or Slipknot album) and it speaks to them so much that they go out and make their own stuff. In this case, Tom was drawn in by a kind of "inverse inspiration". Tom may be Smith's biggest fan without actually liking anything about his work.

Tom marveled at how much he hates everything in Smith's films: the writing, the voice, the jamming of wordy tracts into his actors' mouth, the actors, the fact that he can’t compose a half-decent shot, the fact that he’s not funny, the pop culture references, the shifts in tone, the sudden overly dramatic detours, and the fake indieness of it all. Tom hated five things for every second of Clerks. Even when a character said something he agreed with, Tom hated himself for having views that overlapped with something Smith liked. Tom points out that when one goes from the blank page and pen to putting together a finished movie, there’s a million choices that have to be made. In Clerks, Smith was a perfect 0/1,000,000. As a result, Tom was hooked.

Tom saw Mallrats in a theater near where the flea market scene was supposed to take place. The movie made Tom hate his beloved Animal House because it was trying to emulate it. The film bombed and Tom figured that Smith’s career was two and out. But no! Kev fired back with a return to his low-budge roots with Chasing Amy, which was getting good reviews. Tom saw it and it hit every anti-quality barometer and signpost that he has for entertainment product. It was supposed to be “deep”, but it did not deliver. Nevertheless, Smith was back. Tom started exploring the stuff on DVD, watching an hour of Mallrats outtakes and two commentary tracks. Tom is diving deeper into the oeuvre than even his fans who considered Smith their favorite filmmaker. There's a method to this madness because Tom is taking inspiration from George S. Patton's defeat of Erwin Rommel's forces in North Africa -- he beat him because he read his book. Tom is doing the same for Smith, studying his every move. Smith serves as the anti-Tom, showing him want not to do with everything in his life. If Tom was Smith, he’d be buddies with Fred and have him down to the studio. If Captain Jack showed up at the studio, Tom would throw him out; if he showed up at Kevin Smith’s house, he’d end up sleeping on a cot in his basement.

Tom moved on to Dogma, which was somehow even worse than his previous efforts, hitting new lows. Tom doesn’t know how he’s doing it and wonders where the floor is. When someone’s on an artistic skyrocket, people wonder where the ceiling is, but Smith is drilling to China. Tom figured that the Earth’s core would have melted his drill by now. Smith next announced that he was going to put a cap on his universe with the ultimate View Askew experience: Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back.

The final film of the five-ilogy left Dogma in the dust. Tom saw it at the 11:30 a.m. show the day of its release, the Jersey multiplex scattered with single-ticket guys uttering a steady steam of "One for Jay and Silent Bob" at the ticket window. Tom skipped Jersey Girl because it looked too sad. Tom prefers it when Smith is feeling good about things. Since many of Smith's fans kicked him for this non-universe entry, Tom thinks he might actually like it. If Smith did everything wrong for him, it might work right for Tom. Plus, the film features Tom's favorite funnyman.

When Clerks II was announced, Tom was more excited than even Jeff Anderson and Brian O'Halloran, who would be reprising their Randall and Dante roles. Tom got off the plane on Monday and vowed to see it as soon as he physically could. Tom refused to see it in Canada -- he had to see it in the home base with the fanboys. Tom declares the film the worst one yet, and he almost left because he felt physically ill. He felt his DNA changing. Tom believes the movie might have been emitting rays that mutated his innards. Tom outlined some of the film's offenses:

1. The clerks themselves. Tom refuses to put the two slobs down, since they never claimed to be Olivier-grade thespians. In fact, Tom doesn't think they rise to the level of Oliver from The Brady Bunch. Smith has Tom making pop culture references. Tom would do the work, too, if some director would hire him to act. While they certainly don't claim to be movie stars, it doesn’t make it easier to watch them for 90 minutes. The ticket price was not reduced to $3 to account for non-stars.

Tom does a nice impression of their provocative banter that is quite similar to this:

Cut Chemist - "The Spat"

2. Jason Mewes. Tom compares Mewes to the guy who got banned from the arcade where Tom grew up and suddenly got a movie part doing exactly what he did to get tossed.

3. After the QuikStop burns down at the beginning of the film, the two heroes (definition recently altered to mean “dudes you’re stuck with”) now work at Mooby’s, the Smithverse’s McDonald’s clone that first appeared in Dogma. Tom has never been at a McDonald's where there are 11 customers all day. This is the one. The film cost $5 million and Tom thinks someone at the Weinstein Co. should check the books because Kevin Smith may have diverted funds intended for PEOPLE into buying some copies of Daredevil #1. In one scene, the clerks return from a bumper car outing to a massive rush of two people at the counter.

4. The direction. Smith is extremely self-deprecating about having no idea what he's doing behind the camera, and Tom agrees: “Yeah, you really don’t.”

5. Wall-to-wall filth and toilet talk. From debates about sexual fetishes to a Bachelor Party-inspired donkey show (aka "interspecies erotica") to a litany of racial epithets repeated ad nauseam. Tom said the audience was surprisingly light on laughter except for the die-hards who erupted at every line, including moments that have been appearing in the ads for the past few months.

Kevin Smith vs. Joel Siegel - "The Walkout"

6. Faux dramatic tension. Dante wants to get his life together and plans to move to Florida with his fiancé, played by Smith’s wife -- the less said about that the better. Tom thinks it may qualify as spousal abuse. Randall is going to remain at Mooby’s so he can hang with his friends in Leonardo. Tom notes Dante’s elastic reaction shots and thinks he will burn out his face muscles if he continues to work. He compares his visage to that of a cartoon character being punched/shot in the face: one side is just skin, the other contains the mouth, eyes, and nose. Tom points out that Eli Wallach delivers less facial contortions when Lee Van Cleef has his thumb in his eye sockets in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

7. Pop-culture-infused dialogue. Tom hated LOTR, but know he likes it because Randall hated it in the movie, preferring Star Wars.

8. Offensive undercurrent of a phony "here’s to the little man" attitude. Smith attempts to craft the Clerks films into an ode to the working class living real lives, the salt of the Earth. Paycheck alerted Tom to an interview with Smith:

“We’ll find our dream jobs, until then we’ll work at these [crummy] jobs.” (expletive deleted by Tom, who informs Smith that he'll get more across with clean talk.)

“What happens, though, if you don’t find that dream job. It totally worked out for me, but I realize that I’m more lucky than talented. Luck and timing made Clerks what it was. But there are so many people, some my friends included, who are waiting for their ship to come in. It’s like popcorn, sometimes it pops and sometimes it sits at the bottom of the bag.”

Tom imagines one of his friends reading that and being horrified to discover that he views them as an unpopped kernel.

Tom is excited to see Lady In The Water, billed by some as one of the worst films ever made. But at least that film suggests that it’s someone having a meltdown. Tom compares the maligned Shymalanan film to Elvis Costello's Goodbye Cruel World -- every decision is wrong, but it’s intriguingly crazy. Unlike those works, Smith actually has people loving Clerks II. Tom's fandom extends to non-fiction Smith, having watched every minute of the An Evening with Kevin Smith college lecture compilation. The sequel is out in November.

- Fido from the FOT Chat calls (starts at 2:28) and said that if he didn’t know better, he would think that Tom is jealous of Smith. He speculates that Tom feels that he ould have been making films about Jersey life that he prefers. He views Smith as just a guy that caught a lot of breaks. Tom thinks he's doing fine, and Fido agrees. Tom notes one thing that vaults him ahead of Smith: he's not responsible for any of those movies. Fido doesn’t think the films are that bad, but doesn't view Smith as a cinematic genius.

Tom gives Smith credit for running a great operation, appreciates his museum/comic book store, and his generosity with his fans. But: completely bereft of talent. Fido thinks that Smith is a stand-up guy ruined by Hollywood, but Tom thinks his passion project was one of the most atrocious films committed to film. Fido thinks that Tom is suggesting that Clerks would have been better with more “Hollywood influence”, but Tom is saying that it would have been better with less “Kevin Smith influence.” Tom believes Smith’s the luckiest person alive and should recite the Gehrig speech first thing every morning. He found and worked a fanbase, not unlike Dane Cook. If you find the people you speak to, you can do your thing even if the thing is terrible. Tom wants Fido to see Clerks II and get back to him. Fido bids him fare thee well.

- The Maryland-based Chris L calls (starts at 2:33) to confirm that Tom does not think that Clerks II deserved the eight-minute standing ovation it got at Cannes. Tom can understand celebrating the film’s end and definitely stood when it was over. Tom thought the musical outro -- Soul Asylum's "Misery" -- was one of the most appropriate in history. Chris L notes that Dave Pirner is clearly Smith’s musical muse, having now ended Clerks, Chasing Amy, and Clerks II with Pirner-based tunes.

Tom mentions being irked by Smith’s infamous slams on Paul Thomas Anderson's Magnolia. As I recall, Smith was particularly harsh on the confrontation between child genius Stanley and his douchey father. I think he felt that Stanley should have used profanity and thrown in a few Jaws references, instead of simply requesting that his father be nicer to him. Tom can kinda understand Smith's displeasure with the film because it had sections to it and built and had emotional arcs and swept you along and then it went this way and built to something and had a musical release and a big surprise in the end and it was completely emotionally involving and draining. Who would want to do something like that? Not Smith, who would prefer to let the local ruffian from his town pollute the screen for 10 minutes.

Chris L is a recovering Smith fan. His favorite was Clerks, though even at the time, he did not care for Mallrats. It was an inverse touchstone to see one of the worst films ever made. Tom did like Jason Lee in the film and assumes that Lee, Affleck and others must hate it when they get the call (both have cameos in Clerks II) from Smith these days. Tom suggests that Affleck notified his agent that he had to do Surviving Christmas in order to avoid being in a Kevin Smith film. Smith also has an ability to drain the funny juice out of the likes of Chris Rock, Jon Stewart, and Will Ferrell. Chris L believes that these performers are victims of "The Smith Effect".

- Bob from Chicago calls (starts at 2:40) with a report from his local video/DVD emporium. He saw a sticker on the new Road House Deluxe Edition DVD promoting a Kevin Smith/Scott Mosier commentary track. Tom’s appalled that Smith might speak ill of this masterwork, and he'll have to check it out because Smith is his puppetmaster. Tom thinks the inclusion of the track is part of a rational business strategy -- it will guarantee that about 30,000 drones, Tom included, will buy it. Bob suggests that Smith is the indie film version of Gene Simmons, bombarding fans with product not unlike the Kiss Army. Tom cuts Smith some slack for the merch because he's just offering it. But Tom does wonder how many ladles of spoiled soup must the fans must eat before they realize that the whole pot has gone bad.

NOTE for Smith completists: He also does a commentary track with Richard Kelly on the Donnie Darko Director's Cut DVD.

b_buster Strikes Back: (l to r) Jay, View Askew Nemesis, and Silent Bob

- Mike the Associate Producer joins the discussion (starts at 2:43)and offers a different perspective. While Tom’s battle with Smith is a one-way war, Mike got into heated debates with Smith in the early days of the View Askew message board (sadly, the archives are lost). Mike was very disappointed with Clerks after all the build-up and used the forum to criticized Smith's films. After reading a draft of the Dogma script online, Mike tore it apart line-by-line. The entire website attacked, and Mike was having a good time. Mike took particular offense to the lifting of the “plastics” punch line from The Graduate.

Mike eventually made amends with Smith and actually appeared in J&SBSB. After hearing this, Tom wants Mike to sign his limited mylar one-sheet. Tom doesn’t actually own the DVDs because he doesn’t want them seeping through other films in his collection. Clerks might pollute Caddyshack, causing Ted Knight to go off on Danny for 45 minutes about the upcoming Empire Strikes Back. Mike was in the scene in which Brodie informs Jay and Silent Bob that they got ripped off on the Bluntman and Chronic comic. Originally, Mike was closer to the camera, but was moved back because Pert made his hair too shiny and lustrous. One of Mike’s criticisms involved putting down those older than 14 still reading comics, so Mike was reading comic books in the scene as an in-joke. Mike thinks he may been an inspiration for the Internet-aspect of J&SBSB. On the shot of the computer screen, his handle b_buster is visible.

Mike met Smith at one of the fanboy meet and greets. Smith shook his hand, Mike found him to be pleasant. Tom thinks Smith is a a nice guy who fills you septic tank instead of draining it. Tom concludes the Smith rant by comparing him to Rush. A new Rushalbum entersthe charts at #8, and then drop to #41 once the diehards are done shelling out the cash in its first week of release. It's all part of Smith's effective business plan: cheap movies attract a loyal audience, turn a profit for the Weinsteins, and then you make more of them.

UPDATE: Since the show, Mike has seen Clerks II. He loved it!

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: The debut of Submarine Confessions, Denis Leary and Kevin Smith take Tom to task, and Fred goes back on the smack.

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