Once Bitten, Twice Shy.
Patton Oswalt is sick of happy accidents.
Also: Patton on AST Radio
« June 2006 | Main | August 2006 »
July 31, 2006
Jerk.
July 30, 2006
bring that beat back
Despite what your favorite MC likes to think, the most important ingredient to a good rap song is the beat. Anything the rapper does is a distant second. Do you think "It Takes Two" is one of the greatest rap songs of all time because Rob Base is a great MC?
Now we all know that Public Enemy is not what they used to be. But is it really due to a huge drop in Chuck D's skills, or the lack of Bomb Squad production? To prove that it's the latter I submit Exhibit A: a track off last year's New Whirl Odor but this time with a vintage N.W.A. beat.
Public Enemy - "Superman's Black In The Building (Mauly T Remix)" (Amazon)
N.W.A. - "Real Niggaz Don't Die" (Amazon)
July 29, 2006
Requests for a "fluffer" repeatedly denied.
Follow the exploits of all your favorite stars at the 2006 World Series of Poker:
July 28, 2006
The Greatest Generation.
A special programming note:
Recidivism -- your favorite online web portal -- will continue to publish for years!
MOTHER OF MERCY, I DON'T SPEAK JAPANESE!
Chris Farley's influence is still felt across the world.
July 27, 2006
Enchantment Under the CGI Wish!
Doesn't play out exactly like you think it will, but it's still pretty fascinating:
When will it end?
We must put a stop to this murderous rampage. WHO's with me?
I think you're craaa zee
Man, these guys are taking over the world. Is there anything they can't do?
The new Public Enemy! Not really!
Back when The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy (most fun if pronounced "hiffo-prissy") loped onto the scene, Dr. Red Duke and I were initially hyped that we'd found us another Public Enemy. Stentorian baritone! Politically charged lyrics! Here we go!
After a few weeks of trying real hard to make it our new favorite thing we both came to the same conclusion: classic PE works best with the comic foil that Flavor Flav provides. DHoH just had that one big Michael Franti voice. No Ernie-laughing high-pitched clown to help break up the HEAVY.
Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy - "Language of Violence"
( available on iTunes, Ian Rogers's purported drug of a nation )
From that, I learned not to make the same mistake and to just relax: there can't be another PE. Still, there's this one Mr. Lif track on the new record that actually manages to come wonderfully close. "The Fries."
Fast Food Nation-esque big business dissatisfaction? It's got that going on. But it's also got funny punchlines in the mix. And if you were to mathematically average Chuck D and Flavor Flav's voices? You'd absolutely get Mr. Lif. Otherwise, I have a pretty difficult time trying to describe his distinctive voice at all.
Even El-P's production is a suitable facsimile of the best early Bomb Squad work: he's finally integrated enough funk with the noise to help things bounce. Check that glorious "Holy Ghost" breakdown. Mucked up just enough but still wholly danceable.
Mr. Lif - "The Fries"
( Mo' Try Before You Buy. Mo' Album )
Bonus track! Wadud Ahmad gets all "Pollywannacracka" Chuck D in the chorus of this new Roots cut:
The Roots - "False Media"
( We don't need it, do we? No, we do. Just not yet. )
July 26, 2006
I want you all to repeat with me:
[via WFMU's BotB]
Previous Recidivism preachers: You figured me out!
How many rounds of Uranian Megasex would it take before she surrendered the alloy?
40 f's - that's his name
Hilarious Louis CK jokes from 2001 followed by the exact same jokes told by Dane Cook in 2003 except decidedly less funny.
Unrest In Peace.
I figured the music blogs (especially YANP and STG) would be all over this, but sometimes stuff slips through amidst the onslaught of new music. Not to worry, Recidivism is always pleased to fill a void in a crowded marketplace. So anyway, SLAYER, legendary purveyors of a subgenre of heavy metal called "thrash", are back with a new record, its first featuring original drummer Dave Lombardo since 1990's Seasons In The Abyss. It's a taut (10 tracks just shy of 40 minutes) work offering all the fun we've come to expect over the past two decades: ferocious drumming, King and Hanneman's dueling leads, and Araya barking hilariously outrageous lyrics with familiar, intermingling themes -- institutional corruption, grisly and dubious warfare, general societal decay, etc. As doomsday devotees, these guys are a lot funnier than, say, George Carlin's last HBO special. Also: Satan is hailed. The number of the beast is invoked. Always comic gold. And while I couldn't find the official lyrics, I think I heard Araya say "I'll eat your soul" in "Supremist". I hope he did. Straight outta Evil Dead II!
Warning: When enjoying this brand of music, a common side-effect is neck whiplash, the result of repeated, aggressive headbanging. However, I've discovered a second injury that may occur when listening to this album while operating a motor vehicle. Yes, that's right: footlash. While rocking out, Lombardo's pounding inspired me to attempt to bust through the floorboard via my left foot vigorously stomping a non-existent bass drum pedal.
Q. "Hey, man, how's that new Slayer record?"
A. "Well, let's just say that my ankle is sore!"
Here's two compositions from the forthcoming long-player:
Slayer - "Flesh Storm"
Slayer - "Supremist"
( Click here to pre-order Christ Illusion)
P.S. Thanks for the lesson, Kerry! Look for my Slayer cover band to surface this fall. Current band names being tossed about: Mengele Dream Day, Recidivism In Blood, and Araya Sunshine.
The Internet vs. Superman Returns.
This is a little bit salty?
I was in the 7th grade and my sister was in the 3rd. You know how sometimes the skin on the bottom of your foot will start to peel off? And it's pretty addictive to go for the biggest one-piece peels you can get? So I peeled off a bunch of my foot skin, got it wet, and balled it up. When it dried, I gave it to my sister and told her that it was delicious rock candy (a treat we'd heard about but never acquired). She ate it and tried to act like she liked it.
Esteban, que pasa los Jicks?
Rob Corrdry has a message for the Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain people.
Pavement - "Shady Lane"
Pavement - "Type Slowly"
( Click here to buy Brighten The Corners)
Tony Schwartz - "Nancy Grows Up"
( Click here to buy Tony Schwartz Records the Sounds of Children)
July 25, 2006
Harry Caray was right to grab his wife and leave.
July 24, 2006
A: Forte is hilarious.
Jesse does the SNL cast update news and upcoming season-prep post that I was too lazy [sunday! ha ha! have you SEEN this viral video?] to put together.
July 23, 2006
Very rock 'n' roll.
Only a roast dinner would do.
Also: The belligerent gourmand w/ Gil from Hep Alien and Mr. Stradlin.
July 22, 2006
Astounding Woman.
Shomer fucking shabbos.
Who's in?
A date with destiny.
( Click here to pre-order the s5 DVD set and get an exclusive Bellini towel!)
So much worse, but so much better.
"I watched Freedomland. On Demand. I demanded it. The part(s) are there, sort of. Richard Price: Novel and screenplay. Add in some good Wire actors. Now run away. Go read Klosterman's last word on Snakes On A Plane (in Esquire) instead. Good stuff. Despite this (Freedomland) being the worst movie I've seen this year, the qualities that make it so are not worthy of attention."
Alice Donut - "Testosterone Gone Wild"
July 21, 2006
Does that turn you on? Harley-Davidson?
Nine reasons why The Bad News Bears (1976) rules.
July 20, 2006
Flow 101.
Doesn't get much better than Method Man detailing the mechanics of writing rhymes:
I be in that studio racking my brains to make two words rhyme together as well as say some shit in between those two words that make sense. And then, on top of that, transition between those two words to forming words into a sentence that has something to do with what I just fucking said. You know how much work go into that shit? And then to be understood over all that? You know how much work it take to do all that shit?
Also: his comics pull list is out of control and unchecked in years, Cheese is out of jail in S4 of The Wire, and the new hair bands make him work. Fantastic interview.
July 19, 2006
Private area.
Positively Saundersian.
Melt.
Coupla on fire posts out of Peretti today. I love that my first impression of this latest one was that everyone was jammed onto one long Pippi Longstocking horse. I didn't even really process the fact that it wasn't the longest horse in the world until I committed to linking it up.
Crazier than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding.
"Jenkins further exacerbated the situation by accusing Cash and Perkins of implanting his mind with pornographic images of New York Yankees manager Casey Stengel. The final straw came when Sun owner Sam Phillips discovered Jenkins playing the studio piano with 'little Teddy'."
July 18, 2006
A large cluster of rabid porcupines.
"Our gig tonight at First Ave was a blast—the best of the tour thus far. Always fun playing the club where they filmed not only the live performances for Purple Rain but also the graduation/exsanguination scene in the teen slasher flick, Blood Puddles 4: The Oozing."
He hates most whites.
July 17, 2006
Clowntime Is Over.
"I don’t like to be disciplined, I like to discipline."-- Spike, displeased with the role reversal
"I'm the one and only, but I'm not from Olney!" -- Philly Boy Roy, dropping an inside joke for the Phillyites
"But Roy, I am psychic!" -- Roy Ziegler, Jr., revealing his powers to his father
"Oh, the stories that seat could tell." -- Philly Boy Roy on the Murder Junkies-soiled back of his cab
"They toast nem rolls over there!” -- Philly Boy Roy, discovering the ills of the competition
"Last week's show was excellent." -- Fred, a fan of the "57th Best Show On WFMU"
"Yes, I am." -- Thomas, coming clean about his drunkenness
"Look out, here comes Denny Doherty wearing a Nehru jacket.” -- Tom on The Mamas & the Papas trying to follow Jim E. Hendrix at the Monterey Pop Festival
"Sorry hippies, I’m still not on board." -- Tom giving a double thumbs-down to Festival Express
"What're gonna just roll in the theory of selling it?" -- Tom, the victim of a cruel Propeller tease
"You don’t drop your guard with your fans!" -- Mission statement of Dane Cook, Inc.
"While it's a step up from the devices that Ben Franklin and, say, Billy The Kid used, it’s still positively barbaric." -- Judge Montgomery Davies, on the flaws of the early devices used by Babe Ruth
"Let's have a device-a-thon, just you and me." -- Judge Davies, requesting some kind of duel with some kind of device
"This is a long story, you need to calm down." -- Matt, Goshen's finest storyteller, asking for some patience from The Kid
"Come on, nerds, you can’t live on just Crunchberries. Get your act together." -- Tom, lobbying for a healthier, more balanced nerdiness
"You know when I worked on Fraiser ... Owwwwwwww!" -- Kelsey Grammer, getting hot wax in his eye while becoming Beast
[TBSOWFMU - 7/11/06 / Podmirth [Down to 33 subscribers] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / NEW! Fotpedia / Headquarters]
Girl Talk - "Smash Your Head"
Girl Talk - "Summer Smoke"
( Click here to buy Night Ripper, the plunderphonics party record of the summer!)
Kanye West (ft. Common) - "My Way Home"
( Click here to buy Late Registration. The critics really missed the boat on this one -- it's actually pretty good.)
David Axelrod - "Holy Thursday"
( Click here to buy 1968 to 1970: An Axelrod Anthology)
Sebadoh - "License To Confuse"
( Click here to buy Bakesale)
Sebadoh - "Gimme Indie Rock"
( Click here to pre-order the 2-disc re-issue of III)
NEW! weekly recap feature: Youse Are On Notice! Each week, three members of The Best Show universe will be put -- you guessed it -- "on notice". Repeat offenders will be sent to Spike's dungeon for a series of disciplinary sessions. So without any additional adieu, here it is: YAON #1. [Note: I consider the Boring Goshen Mutants and "Fred" to be on permanent notice, so they are exempt from the weekly slate.]
Annotated highlights:
The Kid Returns: The "S" stands for ... SCHARPLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The 6/27 show went down as a big, fat "L". The Bad Guys won. Tom recharged his batteries last week, pulling a Scottie Pippen and taking himself out of the game to ride a little pine. A good 'ol self-benching. He also needed to spend the July 4th holiday with people who like him and take in the annual Laser Pollard spectacular at the Newbridge Space Center. (I was able to catch this back in 2002, and the laser beans traversing the interior of the domed ceiling in perfect time with "Over The Neptune/Mesh Gear Fox" was as moving as the final purging scene in Pukeadelphia, which is to say: very. Trivia: Trader Vic was in the audience that night!) But, like a superhero's return to a troubled metropolis, The Kid is back to battle The Best Show villains, pluck the Good Guys from the earthquake fissures, and reclaim his rightful radio turf.
On the technical side of things, the start was a little muddy and murky. Did the time off yield a bass boost that made Tom's pipes even more stentorian than before? Is that even possible? Or is it just that his headphones were acquired for $4 at National Wholesale? Hard to say. However, there's no debating that he came back blazing, sending a clear message with an opening sonic salvo: The Fall's "Creep", David Axelrod's "The Fly", and Elvis Costello's "Clowntime Is Over". Do the math. Tom vows to notch a "W" even if it goes down ugly. Does our Man of Steel prevail?
- A mellow Spike calls (starts at 29:49), and Tom asks him what the topics would be if they were to have their normal conversation. Spike says politics, quality televison, and quality music. But Tom translates the response as meaning that they’d basically end up talking about doo-wop music and Chucky movies. Spike agrees, and mentions that he wants to see The Devil Wears Prada. Tom tells him it’s not horror, but Spike’s seen the television spots and was intrigued because Meryl Streep’s character kind of reminds him of Cruella DeVille. It sounds like Spike is a bit winded, and he reveals that he's drinking water during the call, not because of nervous dry mouth, but in an attempt to get over a cold. The germs are disciplining Spike down in the dungeon, and he doesn't like it.
Tom gives him some marching orders:
1. Get some rest.
2. Get back on top of the world.
3. Call during the next show with a prepared segment.
Tom suggests that he view The Devil Wears Prada and review it to lend a some focus to his calls and break free from the slasher-and-doo-wop rut. Spike is interested in the idea of becoming the The Best Show's Critic-at-Large. Tom says that Spike would be the show's Rex Reed, though Spike said he'd lack Mr. Reed's flamboyance. Tom says Spike has his own sense of style and might be more like Jeffrey Lyons. Spike mumbles something in response indicating that he’s really dragging. He admits he’s not up to par.
Tom dismisses him, saying, "Go feel better," which he never thought he'd say to Spike. Tom wonders what the world has come to when he's wishing Spike well. It makes sense, though. When you’re under siege from Goshen mutants and filthy junkies, you need your loyal buddies more than ever.
- Philly Boy Roy leads off (starts at 34:10) with a brief tribute to Syd Barrett, noting that he saw Pink Floyd, sans Syd, on the Animals tour. He then says that he's "the one and only, but I'm not from Olney," indicating that there is only one Philly Boy Roy who calls the show and he does not hail from town of Olney. The phrase is an inside joke for the "Phillyites" and PBR plans to make stickers featuring the slogan.
He asks Tom if he saw him on the news since he was all over the local Philly press after he won the annual Running Of The Cheesesteaks the previous Saturday. Tom's not familiar with the event, so PBR explains that it's like the running of the bulls in France, but instead of being chased by a bunch of cows, participants get chased by a bunch little people dressed in cheesesteak costumes riding nem mini-4 wheelers through the streets of Yardley, a suburb of Philly. PBR then refers to the little people as "nem midgets". Tom tells him the term is offensive, and PBR apologizes.
The goal is to try not to get run over by the little people, who are also swinging shellaced cheesesteaks, known as "steakchuks". A lot of people do get run over. PBR, however, was able to elude his pursuers and won a 200-lb. cheesesteak. He thinks it will last a few days, but maybe not since he already tore into it and polished off one-third of the massive Philly delicacy. Tom's amazed that he’s already put away 65 pounds of cheesesteak. PBR says he'll let the kids get into it later, but "Daddy gets to Christian it." Tom corrects him and says the term is “christen.” PBR thinks it’s the same thing and didn't know that he was talking to a "lexonagrapher".
PBR gets a sense that Tom thinks it’s a bit weird to eat that much cheesesteak in one day, but PBR has a much weirder tale to tell. Tom recaps the Running of the Cheesesteaks story details, doubtful that anything could be more weird. PBR says that there was nothing incredible about that story: “This is Philly, this stuff happens all the time.”
The other night, Roy, Jr. and PBR were watching Court TV's Psychic Detectives. PBR found it fascinating and really wild. He was amazed by seeing a woman close her eyes and get images of crime scenes and who might’ve committed nem crimes and stuff. In passing, PBR noted how it would be so weird to be psychic -- to see into the future and know stuff that other people don’t know. Roy, Jr. then chimed in: “But Roy, I am psychic!” Tom picks up on the fact that his son calls him "Roy" instead of "Dad". PBR is not pleased with this lack of respect, but doesn't know what he can do about it. Tom says that he should be a parent, but PBR says that Tom doesn't know Roy, Jr. like he and the rest of the residents of Roxboro. He has to give him some leeway because he’s special.
PBR was totally skeptcial of his powers so he wanted Roy, Jr. to prove it. Roy, Jr. said that he could see exactly what PBR had for lunch, so he closed his eyes and went into a trance. He guessed it exactly right: a hoagie, potato chips, grape Frank's soda and TastyKakes. Tom wonders if it was really that hard to guess. PBR says that he does have that just about every day. Some days, he’ll change it up and go with Frank's sasparilla.
Tom doesn’t think that proves anything, and PBR also remained doubtful, telling his son: "You’re pulling my leg there, young man." Roy, Jr. was unphased and closed his eyes again. He said that he could see that the lights in the room will go out really soon due to some kind of power overload. PBR thinks he’s a faker, but sure enough nem lights did go out. PBR says it was creepy and paints a scene of the room during this psychic occurence. He was sitting in his La-Z-Boy per usual and the lights went out like Roy, Jr. was Moses or something. Roy, Jr. was leaning up against the wall, and Tom suggests that he might have been near the light panel. Now that he thinks about it, PBR says that Roy, Jr. was standding right in front of it. Tom thinks it's likely that the Biblical-grade feat may have just been a covert flick of the switch. PBR tells Tom that he shouldn't speak ill of Roy, Jr. Tom doesn't think he is, but PBR thinks he sort of is.
The next morning, there was even more weirdness. PBR wakes up to Roy, Jr. hovering over his bed. “What’s the matter? Didn’t you hear it?," Roy, Jr. inquired of PBR and Rhoda. He said that lightning hit the house and caused a switcheroo right out of Freaky Friday: Roy, Jr. is now PBR and PBR is now Roy, Jr. At first, PBR didn’t believe him, but then he reminded PBR of the powers he exhibited the night before, so PBR had to believe him. Since he had already proven himself a legit psychic, PBR had no choice but to give him his checkbook and credit cards -- he would need them to pay the household bills.
PBR did not feel any different, but could do nothing but get ready for the first day of summer school. Tom wants to know if he actually went, and PBR says that he certainly did because truancy would lead to being grounded by his son. He didn't want to go, but Roy, Jr. started glaring at him with those psychic eyes, so he immediately got dressed. Roy, Jr. then drove PBR to school, and Tom can’t believe he fell for it. Roy, Jr. gave PBR a quarter for lunch money, which was insufficient. Back when PBR was a kid, you could get milk and a soft pretzel for that sum, but not anymore. Other changes include a ban on smoking in the bathroom. PBR set off the smoke detectors and got in got in trouble. He tried to take the classes but couldn't figure out none of nem theorems.
Roy, Jr. picked him up at the end of the school day with a mini-catamaran on top of the car. He had called in sick at Wawa as PBR and went down the shore, buying the boat using the checkbook he received that morning. Tom wants to know if the switch has reversed back to normal. PBR is not sure and aks Tom to imagine how mad he must have been about the unauthorized purchase by his son-father. Then again, the joke's on Roy, Jr. -- there wasn’t enough money in that account to pay for it. PBR is sure that they are going to come after Roy, Jr. for the money and celebrates with a fit of madcap laughter. Tom tells him to ease up on the celebration because his name is on the account. It now dawns on PBR that the joke's still on him (isn't it always?). Tom doesn't understand why PBR is so susceptible to his son's ruses. PBR says he's helpless because he's got nem powers. Tom says it sounds like his only power is his consistent ability to delude his father and make him think he has powers.
PBR wonders if Roy, Jr. will take the family to Laser Allin at the Planetarium later that night. Tom has no idea what that is, and PBR explains that it's similar to the old Laser Floyd shows where you'd go to hear their music played at full volume as laser beans were shot at the ceiling because you were on dust. Or ‘ludes. This is the same concept but with the music of his old friend Kevin Allin. The name doesn't click with Tom, and PBR says he probably knows him as GG Allin. (PBR borrowing a page from The Music Scholar's book on that one.) Tom thinks it sounds insane and calls Mr. Allin's work some of the most unpleasant music ever made. PBR says he doesn’t know what he’s taking about. Tom can’t believe anyone would attend such an event. PBR insists that Allin was a "good dude", which Tom wholeheartedly disputes.
PBR became "total buds" with Allin back when he drove cab in the late 80s in Philly. He picked GG up one night when he was on his way to play a show in West Philly at a basement club called The Crypt. PBR had ever seen nothin like it. He also met his GG's brother, bassist Merle, and the rest of the Murder Junkies. After the gig, he took the whole band back to the house they were staying out in South Philly -- a total awful dump area. PBR had to hose off the back seat after they got out. Yuck. PBR hints that the seat could tell some juicy stories, but Tom does not want to hear these debauched taxicab confessions.
PBR and GG hit it off and stayed in touch over the years. PBR ended up promoting what was to be his last show in Philly. Tom does want to hear this story, and PBR directs him to strap himself in and buckle up. GG was having a hard time booking a show in the area in May of 1993 (he passed on a month later) and called PBR for help. He explained that he couldn't get no shows booked down in Philly, not even a gig at JC Dobbs. PBR didn’t know the first thing about booking bands, but told him he’d try. His strategy was to think about where the most people would be on a Saturday midnight. It hit him: Geno’s Steaks on Passyunk Ave. Tom is not familiar with the street, so PBR calls Tom a "Philadummy". He will make stickers featuring the phrase and put them on Tom’s car. (And his face.)
PBR admits that the show went kinda bad. He figured the gig would be the perfect symbiotic win-win for both parties. Lots of GG fans would go to Geno’s and buy cheesesteaks, and lots of people there to dine would see GG Allin and love his music. The problem was that he never really OK’d the show with Geno’s. He assumed they'd be cool about it due to the likely business surge. As show time approached, GG and nem Murder Junkies set up their gear on the sidewalk, but it started to rain, so they invaded the kitchen. This is when Geno and his staff got really, really, really mad. A big fight ensued and Merle got his trademark Hitler mustache singed off on the stove. The band didn't play any songs because when GG started preparing what he called his “special cheesesteak sauce” (Tom doesn’t want the ingredient list), all hell broke loose and people started running away from Geno’s. Tom's not surprised by any of it since it's par for the GG course. PBR never saw GG again because he had to hightail back home. He also no longer eats at Geno's, opting for Jim's or Wawa.
PBR was really looking forward to Laser Allin becaues he wanted to see what they would do when they synced up laser beans to classic tracks like "Expose Yourself To Kids", "I Don’t Give An F---", "Legalized Murder", and "Watch Me Kill". He spoke to a dude in Western Maine who saw Laser Allin, and he told PBR that during "Drink, Fight and F---," they project a giant GG on the ceiling and he shoots laser beans out of his you know what. Tom tells him it’s “laser beams”. PBR insists it’s laser beans, which are like the little point of laser light the former President Bush referred to his his famous “a hundred points of laser beans" catchphrase.
PBR has to go soon because he thinks he saw John Q. Law driving by. Tom wants to know why he’s running from Mr. Law. In a nutshell, there's a new Quiznos up on Roosevelt Avenue. Philly Boy Roy went in to check out the competition. This was his first trip inside of Quiznos, and he was horrified to discover that they toast nem rolls over there. Tom is familiar with the their culinary technique as it's the centerpiece of their advertising campaign. PBR says thinks it's "sick" and ruins the experience of nem sandwiches. He believes a soft roll is required; Tom thinks it’s just a matter of personal taste. Even worse, the Quiznos lacked any Philly-centric tchotkes like those on display at Wawa.
PBR told the employees that they needed to put up pictures of the Philly legends: Ben Franklin, Betsy Ross, Julius Erving, Bam Margera, Tina Fey (the Pride of Upper Darby), John Oates (the Pride of North Wales) McFadden and Whitehead (PBR is not sure where they’re from, but I think it’s Fishtown), The Dead Milkmen’s Dean Clean, Angie’s Donna Pescow, Jim O’Brien (“Action News, you dummy!”), Robert Hazard, and Andy Kravitz, a session drummer who played on Urge Overkill’s “Sister Havana”. Tom is baffled by the inclusion of Kravitz as a "legend", and PBR hopes that Tom would not argue that Blackie O played drums on the studio recording of the song. Tom never gave it much thought. PBR says it’s one of the best drum tracks ever laid down.
The Quinzos staffers told him that they had to consult with the home office up in Schenectady, N.Y., before they redesigned their wall art. PBR told Roy, Jr. about his reconnaissance mission's findings, and he went nuts. He demanded that PBR returned to get restitution for their lack of Philly respect. PBR initially told Roy, Jr. that it wasn’t that big of a deal, but Roy, Jr. looked at him with psychic eyes. It was like nem laser beans was going right into his mind. From there, PBR's memory is hazy, but next thing he knew, he saw a report on the news about the Quiznos getting burnt down to the ground. The report said that two people -- one short and one tall -- were seen fleeing the scene. He’s worried and wonders if Roy, Jr. put him under a spell and made him do it. Tom thinks he’s using Roy, Jr. as an excuse: PBR was insulted by Quiznos and comitted the act of arson. PBR said he may not have been operating under his own psychic will.
Officer Guiseppe Harrups arrives at the door. Tom tells him there’s an Officer Harrups in Newbridge, and it’s not clear if they are related. PBR will ask him after he’s done runnin’ from him.
Captain Beefheart - "Fallin' Ditch" [Recidivism's top-shelf Research Department made an interesting discovery regarding Rocket Morton's fuel source in this track's opening dialogue snippet ...]
Dead Milkmen - "Nitro Burning Funny Cars"
Urge Overkill - "Sister Havana"
- Fred hung on for the entire duration of the PBR call so he could ask (starts at 1:04) Tom if he was talking about him with the trio he played in his opening music set. Tom confirms that he was referring to him, amongst others, because clowntime is in fact over -- The Best Show has taken enough lumps from filthy drug addicts and the numbskulls up in Goshen. Fred doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but he does want to say that that last week's show, featuring fill-in Stefan, was excellent. He’s not sure Tom is getting him. Tom does get him and asks him why he doesn’t listen to another show.
Fred claims he previously told Tom that his radio is locked on WFMU. Some guy who stayed with him for four days welded his dial to 91.1. He also welded his antenna, and Tom assumes that his only television option is Spike TV's Blade. Fred is not familiar with the network, and the only "spike" he knows is the spiking he does to his veins to insert his filth juice. Tom is building a dossier on all of the mutants and will run them out. The Best Show’s got no time for guys like Fred.
Die Beste Schau: Thomas from Germany prepares for his call by downing the fifth of seven beers at Ye Olde Bierhaus in Upper West Newburg.
- Thomas from Germany calls (starts at 1:09) on a slight delay since he's listening via the stream at 3 a.m. his time. He came home just in time to hear Tom’s DJ taking some serious calls, and he thought he needed some kind of assistance. He then unleashes the first of many tipsy guffaws. Tom wonders where he will get assistance with these horrible calls and Thomas suggests that he -- a normal, down-to-Earth German -- is the solution. Thomas especially admired the DJ’s listening skills when dealing with the lady from Philly with serious problems. Tom wonders why the connection from Germany is louder than any call he’s ever taken. Thomas pins it on the solar spots.
Thomas is recovering from the World Cup, although he shed no tears when Germany was knocked out. He's proud of the way his countrymen went out, suggesting it’s rude for the host to win all of the games. They made a respectable exit by losing to the eventual champions in the semifinals and showed politeness in allowing the guest to advance. Thomas thinks that in the States nobody is “buzzering” about soccer, but Tom vigorously disputes ("Au contraire!") that notion. He attended a World Cup extravagonza on Sunday, and it spilled out into the street when Italy won, shutting down traffic. Thomas wonders if Tom was in Berlin or Rome. It was NYC! Thomas has American friends who tell him that nobody cares about the sport. Tom says that people don’t care in general, but do enjoy the World Cup. Tom wants to know who Thomas roots for during the regular season. He says he’s a "complete soccer idiot", but he follows his hometown team, who play in a lower-level league. He slurs something else and starts laughing again. This prompts Tom to ask him if he's intoxicated. Thomas's response is simple and direct: “Yes, I am.” He says he only drinks beer because hard liquor will cause him to drop dead.
Tom asks him what he thought of Zinedine Zidane pulling a Wesley Willis on Italy’s Marco Materazzi in the second overtime session of the World Cup Final. Thomas did not like it, but he understood it because his girlfriend has a French passport, which makes sense. This was the second reference to the passport during the call, and it appears this document serves as a kind of Rosetta stone for unlocking the great mysteries of the world. Perhaps someone should contact this gal to see if she has any information on the prolific-but-MIA Seidr Records. Tom takes his word for it and thinks he’s about nein beers behind him. Thomas puts the number at seven.
Thomas says it’s difficult to hang up on trouble callers, so Tom hangs up on him, proving it's easier than it may appear to the untrained observer. Immediately following the call, Trent L. Strauss cast Thomas as the villain in his next film, The Oktoberfest Massacre 3.
- Stephen Baldwin (the actuh?) calls. He’s GOMPed for, um, being Stephen Baldwin?
- Dan from SF calls (starts at 1:17) to apologize for his dull story about preparing dried tuna for the Portland Trailblazers chit-chatting instead of calling two weeks ago when Tom was surrounded by mutants. He deeply regrets his failure to provide proper backup. He points out that if Fred can call from the railroad tracks while he cooks a hot dog on a stick with his bum buddies, the more upscale FOTs can certainly pull it off. He compares Thomas from Germany to Dracula.
- Tom discussed (starts at 1:20) his exciting week off, which included some movie watching. Mike the Associate Producer lent him a copy of Festival Express, a documentary featuring the likes of The Grateful Dead, Janis Joplin, and The Band traveling through Canada aboard a really fast train. Tom read from the back of the DVD box:
"Set in 1970, Festival Express was a multi-band, multi-day extravagonza that captured the spirit and imagination of a generation and a nation. What made it unique was that it was portable; for five days, the bands and performers lived, slept, rehearsed and did countless unmentionable things aboard a customized train that traveled from Toronto, to Calgary, to Winnipeg, with each stop culminating in a mega-concert. The entire experience, both off-stage and on, was filmed but the extensive footage remained locked away -- until now."
A few days before, Tom viewed Criterion's 3-DVD Monterey Pop set, generously given to him by former Associate Producer Matt. Set only three years later, the differences are vast. The Monterey doc showed clean-cut musicians compared to the street trash from Jerks On A Train -- no outrageous, sloppy facial hair. The bands are well-dressed and the hippieness was generally contained. Country Joe & the Fish? Just one guy with mutton chops. Tom dug Big Brother and the Holding Company's "Combination Of The Two" (screen it above), Jim E. Hendrix killing it, and could even stomach Jefferson Airplane! When the camera pans the audience, it reveals pretty girls.
Jump forward two years to Woodstock and everybody got hit with the Hippy Stick. Tom says the best thing about the train rides is when the Canadian hippies go nuts, calling for a free show. All of a sudden, the notion of the rebellion goes out the window for The Grateful Dead. Tom gets Mike to agree that the blues is horrible, and these guys are playing stoned versions of it. While blues artists have the common decency to halt their songs at the seven-minute mark, the hippies expand that to 35-minute jams, thinking they are breaking new ground. Tom declares The Band's dubious attempts at ROCK 'N ROLL to be the worst moment of Festival Express, their fired-up rendtion of "Slippin' and Slidin'" serving only to drain everything from the genre. Tom was also put off by the apparent "dumb beard race" taking place in the band with Robbie Robertson looking like an Al Frankenesque college professor.
One of Tom's favorite moments in Monterey is seeing The Mamas & the Papas grapple with the unenviable task of trying to top Jim E. Hendrix, who had just shot laser beans from his fretboard, burned his guitar, and smashed it on stage. Then again, they did have Scott McKenzie up their sleeve. Tom plays a clip of their performance of “Monday, Monday” (providing some visuals by noting that Doherty appears to be wearing a curtain) that includes a jaw-droppingly bad note (“Monday, Monday, baaaaa uhhhhhh”) that made Tom feel like he had been momentarily transported to a Jandek show. Tom doesn’t like it … he LOVES it. He wonders why it makes him so happy. [Note to Mr. Doherty: Tom's a fan, so don't take him to task too hard!]
Tom apologzies to the hippies for still not boarding their groovy train. He also reiterates his call for a tip on at least one good Grateful Dead song. My picks would be "Box of Rain" and "Ripple", but perhaps my judgment is clouded by their poignant use in the Freaks & Geeks series finale. I'm pretty sure they are legitimately good tunes, but I'll defer to Bryce Prefontaine.
- An unidentified caller checks in (starts at 1:49) to confirm that The Best Show truly is the best show on WFMU and offer condolences to the Barrett family. He feels the loss of Syd will be felt in the music world for ages and ages to come. He also thinks that Tom has some really weird callers like the woman talking about GG Allin and the sufficiently drunk German man.
He just got off his job as a non-Chinese Chinese food delivery man for a modestly-priced -- yet tasty -- place in Tenafly. He bills the food as not greasy and will likely partake of some white rice and soy sauce (aka "Dinner of Champions") later in the evening. In fact, he promises to eat it exclusively for the next few weeks. Everything looked delectable, but he had a craving for the simplicity of the dish. As a result of his mundane selection, Tom’s not sure if he’s the best judge of the grease content of the food, but the caller assures him that he’s sampled other dishes. He’s also examined the competition and believes their fare is less greasy. Tom suggests nestling “Not As Greasy!” into their existing “No MSG” advertising copy. The caller likes the idea.
He also took the opportunity to thank his patrons for their generous tipping. His best tip came from a woman who dropped $20 on him for a $5 food order. His worst customer experience occurred about 3.5 days ago. He approached the door and was greeted by a man who had just had a huge domestic fight. The man gave him a blank stare as if he had committed an atrocity and was looking for a confession. The caller asked him nicely if he wanted change. The man unleashed a firestorm ("Of course I want change!"), transferring negative energy onto a guy he’s known for 30 seconds. The caller would have felt more dignified if the man simply physically thrashed him around. Tom’s on the caller's side.
- Listener Joe calls (starts at 1:55) to promote his recent Listener Hour, which included some Nu-Folk Psych and new techno stuff the kids are playing these days. Joe says his program was better than the controversial effort by Purple Shirt & The Young Rogues. Joe had to turn it off because the kids were not attentive and high on Bolivian Marching Liquid. One of the kids told PS to “Shut up”, and Tom requests sound clips of the public rebellion.
Since he knows that Tom is a noted GBV enthusiast, he asks about the current market price for a copy of Propeller. He’s a bit vague on the particulars, noting that the cover is a collage (oh, that one!) and has some number out of 500. Tom wants him to e-mail him so he can help him out with it. Is The Kid finally getting his most desired piece of vinyl? Yes! But no. Joe quickly deflates this joy balloon: “I don’t know if I can part with it.” He continues: "Why would I?” Tom wonders why he would want to know the fair market value if he's only interesting in rolling around in the theory of reaping the financial rewards of a hypothetical sale. Tom GOMPs him for taunting and teasing and directs people to avoid his Listener Hour stint.
- Mac from Austin, TX. calls (starts at 1:58) to file an update on the condition of Harry Knowles. He's still fat and now requires the services of a wheelchair to travel to the Alamo Drafthouse for screenings of rare Italian Giallo and Belgian "Nunsploitation" prints. He's occasionally wheeled around by local luminaries such as Richard Linklater, Robert Rodriguez, Gibby Haynes, and Dell CEO Kevin B. Rollins. Tom thinks that sounds scary.
Mac also has a dorky question for Tom -- he wants to know if he’s attending Comic-Con. Tom was going to attend, but withdrew because the event's hecticness is akin to stepping into a lion's den. The Kid needs to relax. Mac disputes the “L” on 6/27 because the Goshen Kids were humiliated and unmasked as being terminally soft-serve. Mac loved the dressing down, but missed Tom’s perfect set up, failing to spike it with a don't like it/LOVE it retort.
Comedians Of Non-Comedy: "It's technology, it's not magic, you douche!"
Tom is becoming quite a fan (starts at 2:01) of HBO’s Dane Cook documentary series Tourgasm. The show provides a look into the world of the Myspace fiend driving around in a bus with his buddies. Tom would choose to live in any other world other than the world of Cook. Tom points out that nobody ever doubted that he wasn’t funny, but now you get to see him as a weird, Type-A business major who runs comedy like a cutthroat corporation. Cook is the show's star, director, and producer, making it clear that he is indeed the new Orson Welles. (Or, if you prefer, Vincent Gallo. Then again, I think Ed Burns might be a more accurate reference point. )
Cook offers advice to the other members of the tour, like twerpy lapdog Jay "The TLC Killer" Davis, who often tries to pump up the crowd with lame queries like “Hey, Central Illinois, are you ready for Tourgasm?” The other comics on the festival express are Robert Kelly, a fourth-rate Jim Norton, who’s already a fourth-rate comic, making him a 64th-rate comic. (When determining degrees of comedy performers, you add up the initial rating of two comics and then square that number to arrive at the rating for the less-talented one.) Kelly plays the role of the outrageous one, dishing out edgy material involving how to find Osama bin Laden. (Hint: check The Fudge Tub at Newbridge Commons.)
Tom dubs Gary Gulman the best of the bunch since he can uncork a few efficient jokes. As for Dane “The Confidence Machine” Cook, he's an Ego Monster and completely unhinged. Tom thinks it’s awesome that under the guise of a testimonial about the realities of The Road, he’s actually giving a peak inside his deluded, Rupert Pupkin-as-a-frat-guy head. Tom thinks it’s great that Tourgasm will serve as a point on the graph of his impending meltdown. In one scene, Jay Davis is working on his taxes on the bus and Dane Cook pours water on his forms, forbidding the activity because it’s Tourgasm, not Taxgasm, and it’s a groundbreaking enterprise. Tom references the episode in which our Hero had to fly to NY for an appearance at the MSG theater and then fly back to L.A. in time for the tour. High drama! Will he make it back in his helicopter? Cook was also sick so he had to get a shot from a physician. Tom says they could have achieved the same level of tension by documenting his pre-show meal decision-making process.
Tom does think it’s cool that Cook does meet-and-greets with fans after the shows. Tom imagines that these are awkward affairs in which fans feel compelled to get signatures from the other three comics even though they only desire Cook’s. They inevitably end up being bullied into getting Jay Davis to sign their ticket stub. Recently Tom was trying to get autographs from a reunited band that had the four original members plus an additional keyboard player for the tour. Tom ended up getting the new guy’s signature despite his complete lack of presence on the bands previous recordings. I’m not sure about the identity of this band. At first, I thought it might be Stryper, since I know one of Tom’s favorite records of all-time is Soldiers Under Command, but then I remembered that original bassist Timothy Gaines is not part of the current touring lineup.
Tom decides to rip a page from The Dane Cookbook (Volume II in stores this fall from Scribner’s; the first one has an AWESOME recipe for "jalapeno ego poppers") and will start doing 15-minute meet-and-greets after the show for autographs or just to hang out with the FOTs. The first event took place at 11:30 p.m. on the escalators in the Exchange Place PATH station.
- A caller (starts at 2:11) wants some information about the Paul Simon concert scheduled for Sunday at the PNC Center. Tom knows nothing about it. The caller was curious about the start time -- the tickets said 7:30 p.m., but he wasn’t sure if Mr. Simon goes on then. He tried the box office, but they were very uncooperative so he’ll have to try some other resources. In the meantime, he wants Tom to play a Simon tune so he can get ready for the show. He’d specifically love to hear “Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard”. Tom will try to play it, and the caller says he can send it out to him: Montgomery in Newbridge.
Tom says there’s a judge in Newbridge named Montgomery Davies. The caller knows him. Tom points out that the judge was embroiled in a controversy where he got disbarred for using a device under his robe when he was on the bench. The caller suggests that maybe this judge didn’t think he was hurting anybody by using that device. Tom asks him if he’s Judge Davies. The caller responds in the affirmative: “Yes, son, I am.”
Tom has read many articles about the device incident and recalls that his stenographer (Davies reveals her name to be Sheila) described it to the press as a “whooshing sound” followed by a dull, low-impact thud. Nobody in the courtroom knew what it was. Davies confirms the accuracy of the reporting, and Tom asks him how long he was using the device. Davies doesn’t feel that he has to answer to anyone on the issue, specifically Tom, because it’s none of anybody’s business. He reiterates that he was not harming anybody by using it. He finally admits to using the device for 22 years, though he’s gone through many different models. Back in the mid-1980s, the device was in its nascent, more crude form.
The original devices were made of ivory and had a more square shape, while current models are roundish and constructed from either polyurethane or treated birch. The old analog devices utilized a series a small tension rods, a large flywheel, and a small cushion made of either foam or fiberglass. Judge Davies was caught with a late-1990s model that, while good, was not state-of-the-art and left quite a bit to be desired. One of the main issues was the fishing line, which was hard to keep untangled, especially if you did not apply the recommended kind of oil. For some reason, the oil was very hard to find in Newbridge, so Davies hard to order it directly from the manufacturer of the device. It was always on backorder, so Davies was forced to rely on a different weight oil that was only stocked in certain local convenience stores. That oil did not really help out with the detangling efforts and it also left a thick residue ring on the inside of the canister receptacle. As a result, a large amount of smoke could be produced when the device shifted into the next gear.
Tom wonders how the device was smoking. Davies explains that it was an issue of overload. The new high-end models are digital, which eliminates the problem of backfires and stallouts. They also produce a readout, a feature which baffles Tom. Davies confirms that an actual piece of paper prints out. Tom wants to know what kind of information is on the printout, but Davies doesn’t want to get into it. He does say that the new models are also very silent. He ordered one, but it got screwed up at the factory. It was not only the wrong size, but it also came with toggle switches instead of the acrylic push-button controls as stated in the advertisement. Davies did try one of the digital ones and found that it delivered a nice, smooth performance, but the noise of the device he was caught with did him in. He tried various noise filters, but none of them were effective. The battle was trying to keep the water pressure at a good level while prevening the noise of the micro-jets from getting too loud. The one he had on order uses high-density steam instead of water jets, creating a more top-shelf performance.
Davies gives some history on the evolution of the device, citing it as a real testament to man’s ingenuity. In the very early days of the device, they were made from a paste of straw, sheepskin, and granite. Davies cannot even imagine trying to use a device made from stone. Davies has seen the version of the device used by Babe Ruth, and while it was a step up from the one used by Ben Franklin and Billy The Kid, it’s still "positively barbaric". The so-called grommets were fashioned out of corn husks and the device used a cone made from coal as a dispersement mechanism. Davies wonders how far they are going to go with designs for the device. Tom says it’s just a matter of technological advancements. Davies is focusing his attention on the future of the device and wants to discuss it with Tom. He just finished a prototype of a device that is "positively space-age" and will change how we think about the device. He doesn’t think Tom will believe it, but he tells him anyway: it’s all one piece and it runs on body heat. It’s also positively sound-free and has noise-canceling shields next to the motor housing. It’s a foolproof setup that looks like a small Formula-1 racecar and will revolutionize the marketplace.
He wants to know if Tom wants to invest some money in a startup effort. Davies needs funds since his lost his pension as a result of the incident. Tom’s not in the market for investing, so Davies wants to know if he would at least model the device for the advertising campaign. Tom immediately refuses because he’s not a client and is not comfortable promoting the product. Davies wonders if it’s because Tom is ashamed of his abs, which will be seen in the promotional pictures. Davies is certain that Tom will become a client and plans to order one of the current judges to make him one. Tom wonders how he will pull that off since he has no interest in using it, and Davies says that several judges owe him for outfitting them with devices. Davies want to do the same for Tom. At this point, a whoosing sound is heard. Davies is using one of the old devices live on the air. Tom thinks he’s disgusting. Davies requests to have a “device-a-thon” with Tom. Tom declines, hangs up, and thinks he needs to take a shower.
- Matt, a rising sophomore at a college in upstate NY, calls (starts at 2:26) to tell a story that has been bothering him for awhile. He figures that Tom can determine which person in the story is nuts.
DISCLAIMER: What you are about to read is absolutely true and very boring.
During his freshmen year, Matt had a crazy, eccentric, dancing, singing, bearded, middle-aged, smiley Cubano professor named Diego. Diego is an interesting fella, who was also writing a book about his escape from Cuba. Matt was getting good grades and liked the class. Diego would laugh crazily at his own jokes and his laughter was contagious in the classroom. His laugh would often outlast the class’s laughter, and they would laugh anew at the funniness of his lingering laugh. Diego favored long handshakes and continual eye contact, which Matt found somewhat creepy, but ultimately funny in the sense of laughing at him. He would also often tell students that he was on the verge of getting fired. When pressed for more details, he could only offer something about vague disagreements with his superiors.
One day after class, Matt chatted him up a bit. The next class, he just left without exchaning any words with Diego. The following Monday, he made a borderline offensive wisecrack in the middle of class, and Diego told him to stay after class. Matt assumed he was in trouble and apologized for his outburst.
[At this point, Tom is very frustrated by the five-minute preamble.]
Diego told Matt that it seemed like he wanted to talk to him last week but didn’t because other students were milling about. Diego said he was thinking about Matt a lot over the past weekend, having seen him in a choral performance. He tried to look him up in the student directory to call him. Matt is creeped out and thinks this will terminate his relationship with Diego. But Diego didn’t stop. He kept going even though Matt didn’t want more of it. He kept going way after Matt had had enough. Matt couldn’t take it anymore, but Diego kept going. On and on and on it went without any stoppage in sight. He then asked for his number; Matt refused and gave him an e-mail address instead. He didn’t want Diego to think that he thought he was crazy, so he gave him a flyer promoting an upcoming choral gig that he may want to attend.
Uggggghhhhh. That tired old tale. Eccentric Cuban professor tries to seduce young, nubile choirboy. YAWN. Been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt. Tom’s rendered speechless by the story’s glacial pace. Matt tells Tom to calm down and show some patience for his epic tale. Tom says that he requires some entertainment and GOMPs the snooze. He compares the story to the harmonic blip in “Monday, Monday”, certain that it, too, had no enjoyable payoff. In short: “You gotta heat up!”
- Petey calls (starts at 2:34) and Tom reminds him that this was the night that he and his buddies were set to storm WFMU. Petey corrects him -- it was the 18th. Tom's off that week, so Petey reschedules for the 25th. The delay elicits a "whatev" from Petey, a fitting response for what is shaping up to be a decidedly lackadaisical enterprise. Petey assures Tom that they won’t violenty intrude. In fact, they plan to take WFMU over peacefully in the spirit of Malcolm X. Tom would be like a cop, and they would march by until they got their friend who had been beaten up. At the end of the day, he would receive proper medical attention. Tom wants to know if "Raj" from What’s Happening? would be part of the gang. Petey doesn't get the reference: “What’s What’s Happening?”
Tom wants Petey to e-mail him about the invasion. Petey says that if it’s a peaceful revolution, you don’t email the intended target. Tom wants to know who they are revolting against. Petey says they are attacking the underground subculture of WFMU. Petey thinks it’s a good culture, but they are pretending it’s not good to play devil’s advocate. Tom says that disagreeing with something even though you like it is called "being a jerk". Petey kind of agrees with Tom. Tom GOMPs him for unproductive behavior.
Waiting For Goshen: "I'll cheer for you, if you'll cheer for me!"
- Matt calls back (starts at 2:36) to finish his story. He admits what we already knew -- he’s from Goshen. Tom wants to know if he was one of the losers on stage for the infamous Too Many Humans performance of “Rock Lobster”. He was supposed to be a clam, but he missed his cue so he watched the performance from the back of the auditorium, hiding in his shell. In other words, he was too dumb to be in a dumb thing on stage. Tom describes the event as a high school talent show with the saddest kind of propping up of each other and pretending that talent is actually present. Matt says it’s the one moment kids have to be proud of themselves. Tom says considering that to be a proud moment combined with his inability to tell a story indicates then he’s got a dubious future. He recommends looking into the accounting field.
Tom plays a bit of the song to taunt Matt, who is rattled and wants to finish his professor story. Tom suggests that he tell the story into a mirror so he can watch his own visage tell him it’s boring. Tom also gives him the option to tell it to his Richie Rich dad. Matt says he’s poor. His dad is a web designer; his mother is a teacher. His dad usually integrates books and CD-ROMs on the web for educational instruction, but he also designed the website for Too Many Humans, which you can check out at:
Matt doesn’t like the band name; Tom doesn’t like him and his boring story. He recommends that they name the band after him and call it The Snoozefest. Matt offers a Latinate rejoinder: “Quid pro quo, Mr. Tom”. Tom points out that he would have to bore him 20 minutes for the retort to apply and GOMPs him. Tom speculates that Diego is probably normal and Matt is simply processing everything through his Bore Filter.
- A caller (starts at 2:40) wants to know what Tom had for lunch. Tom tells him to shut up.
- Clay calls (starts at 2:40) from Manhattan en route to NJ. He claims to have started modeling when he was 13. Tom GOMPs him for sounding like a Goshen kid.
- Tom saw Superman Returns (starts at 2:42) and thought it was a solid half-hour too long. He wonders why everyone is doing epic-length films, such as Peter Jackson’s three-hour King Kong. The first Kong was 90 minutes, and the new version adds the 90 minutes not shown in the original, which is everything but the action that took place in the original. Tom doesn't get it. His primary issue with superhero movies is that they are often directed by uber-nerds who love the franchise and character too much.
Tom thinks that if the comic book nerds made the original Star Wars now, they would omit the “silly stuff” like R2D2 and C-3PO. Tom was not pleased with last year's overly-serious Batman Begins because it was so dark, he could not even make out the title character. In the five-hour film, he saw Batman for 15 seconds and did not even see him punching anyone. For all Tom knows, it could've been a guy in a duster running around. Tom's desire is simple: "Show me Batman!"
Tom did like a lot of Superman Returns and was impressed by the visuals. However, he laments that the scripts for Superman and Superman II are considered to be carved in stone, lugged around by Moses as example of cinematic perfection. Furthermore, where was Zod? Tom gives an example of what he considers to be a particularly subpar scene in Superman II: Non (“the other big goofball”) blowing people through the streets of Metropolis. Tom thinks the sight gag may have been concocted by the staff from Hee-Haw or Laugh-In. Tom says there is no need to treat the storyline of Superman II as gospel -- it and its predecessor were too slow and looked as though they were shot through a screen door.
In the new film, Tom did like seeing Superman save the day and calls for nerds to think more about the non-nerds when crafting film adaptations. Using cereal as an example, Tom says that it can't be all Crunchberries -- you have to balance it out. It doesn't have to be the aggressive camp of Catwoman, but it doesn't have to be so serious, either. You can have one Crunchberry along witih eight of the regular, yellow, mouth-scraping Cpt. Crunch morsels. Tom points out that an all-Crunchberries product was on the market, but had to be removed because its side effects included vomiting, chapped lips, minor heart stoppage, and semi-permanent death.
- A caller supports (starts at 2:49) Tom’s advice to nerds and thinks they need to earn their right to consume the fun bits of several snack mash-ups. Tom wants to put the phrase "Earn Your Crunchberries" on a shirt. The caller is also very interested in Matt’s story and wanted to see where it was going. Tom GOMPs him for a disappointing detour into pro-Goshen territory.
- Ted Leo checks in (starts at 2:50) to stick up for Superman, which he thinks is an incredible document of late 1970s NY with muggers in knit caps wielding switchblades and decked-out pimps slinging the classic lingo. Tom says it was boring; Ted says it’s cinematic. Tom had to wait two years for the cape to appear and the flying to take off. Ted asks if Tom doesn’t wish for more nuanced storytelling, but Tom says that if it’s a superhero movie, he wants to get the goods a bit sooner. Tom suggests that if current trends hold true, Paul Thomas Anderson might as well direct Spider-Man 3. Tom references the interminable Thanksgiving scene in Spider-Man, preferring an outdoor Goblin vs. Spidey fight instead of the indoor cat-and-mouse game. Tom wins Ted over.
Tom didn’t like X-Men 3, but did enjoy the notion of Kelsey Grammar getting up at 2 a.m. sitting in the makeup chair for 4 hours a day as they slathered hot cement and strips of blue fur on his face as he transformed into Beast. Tom is also amused by the thought of him trying to slurp up an Ensure shake while he told the crew about his days on Fraiser.
Ted’s cranking on the new album, but he’s still thinking a lot about the World Cup. Tom wants him to sing a World Cup song, but he can only muster an English chant: “All you ever eat is chips!” Now that the World Cup is over, Ted has moved on to the MLS. His team used to be the NY/NJ Metrostars, but had to abandon them due to the name change to the Red Bulls. He’s now opting for the punk-friendly DC United. In the Italian Football league, Ted favors the left-leaning Livorno Calcio. Tom wants to know who the Yankees of soccer are, and Ted offers Manchester United and Chelsea, as well as FC Barcelona, who employ Brazilian star Ronaldinho.
Tom decides he will get into futbol year-round instead of just once every four years.
- George closes out the show (starts at 2:57) by claiming that futbol players are "way more feebler" than the fans of the sport. He watched the World Cup and noticed that whenever players grazed shoulders, they would collapse to the ground. Tom sarcastically suggests that futballers are not as athletic as baseball players. George admits that soccer is an endurance test with players kicking the ball. He says "fugettaboutit" and earns an automatic GOMP.
VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Notch the “W”!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good Guys back on top. Clowntime has expired.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Spike reviews The Devil Wears Prada assuming he's able to defeat the rhinoviruses dominating his nasal passages, Petey and his band of marauding devil's advocates kind of attack WFMU, and a blitzed Thomas checks back in to give listeners his family recipe for wienerschnitzel.
Shine On Youse Crazy Diamond:
Ditto.
I know that Dr. Red Duke normally handles the CNN links, but I wanted to stand behind him on this one. Now excuse me while I go call him again (3 of 4).
July 14, 2006
Over and over.
My favorite part of this article is the editorializing going on in the fourth paragraph. The only thing missing is a closing "Seriously, you guys. Knock it off."
Hawking's such an A-Hole [aka Bleep! Blorp!]
On notice.
The Fleshy Part of the Thigh.
"Damn. Who needs Hot 97? I got New Yorker and MySpace."
(alerted to its online presence via)
Cast into the world with apple eyes.
A while back, my fact-checkin' cuz suggested that I spin North Carolina rockers Between The Buried And Me's 2005 release, Alaska. It was certainly a cut above their genre peers (like Chicago's Kill Me And Then Kill Me Harder, Philly's Make Love To Me Before I Embalm You Alive, and Newbridge, N.J.'s overrated Hex Head) but it never gained much traction in my playlists and often slipped into a metal-by-numbers rut.
I'm more intrigued by their new all-covers release, which boasts an eclectic track list ranging from the usual suspects (Pantera and Sepultura) to the likes of Blind Melon and Counting Crows. In these three selections, mercurial (ha!) frontman Tommy Rogers ably shifts from slightly Cookie Monstering up Hetfield's barks (axemen Paul Waggoner and Dustie Waring also add some nice melodic death-y guitar flourishes towards the end) to navigating the fun, poppy harmonies of Queen to capturing Corgan's nasal geekiness.
Between The Buried And Me - "Blackened" (Metallica cover)
Between The Buried And Me - "Bicycle Race" (Queen cover)
Between The Buried And Me - "Geek U.S.A." (Smashing Pumpkins cover)
( Click here to buy The Anatomy Of)
Confessions, first in a series. #001:
I am dumb because I never dove into the very good band that is called: Yo La Tengo.
Get that rag off the meat. Let’s go, man!
Public Enemy. You thought they didn't release anything post-Bomb Squad that was worth much, right? WRONG. They only released one of the most amazing tracks of all time. Sure it was recorded during the Fear of a Black Planet sessions, but still.
First, the history:
Public Enemy - "Burn Hollywood Burn"
Now, the gem. Buried on 2002's Revolverlution (hooboy with the titles anymore, guys) was this complete and utter classic. I've listened to it a million times and it still cracks me up.
Public Enemy - "The Making Of Burn Hollywood Burn"
Flavor Flav Friday Follies! Gotta love that he's riffing it up with Kane over the phone at his mom's house. Also gotta love all that fantastic 1990 Flavor Slang. If you grew up on that good PE ish, this is late-in-life perfection.
July 13, 2006
It's time.
The uncomfortable world of Paugh carries on. If you're not familiar with the concept, start in the beginning and take it all in.
Whenever I see an old Profile jacket, I feel right at home.
Must be exhausting when your collector-based hobby intersects with your desire for sample-fodder.
Seafood and Punk Rock.
Deleted scene from We Jam Econo: The Story Of The Minutemen.
Minutemen - "History Lesson - Part II" (from Double Nickels On The Dime)
Minutemen - "Corona" (from Double Nickels On The Dime)
Minutemen - "Bob Dylan Wrote Propaganda Songs" (from What Makes A Man Start Fires?)
Minutemen - "The Anchor" (from What Makes A Man Start Fires?)
( Click here to buy those Minutemen records as well as some other ones!)
Bonus Track:
Richard Hell & The Voidoids - "Time"
July 12, 2006
Prince to headline grand reopening!
TAFKAP @ TFNGCCOA
"Monster."
SHAC DVD on the way. Special thanks to Pete Miser? He's a robot!
July 11, 2006
Ho. Ly. Crap.
Agreed. I was so keyed up after that episode I couldn't get to sleep for hours.
(x, did we not we almost exactly duplicate this assessment over the phone on the way home today?)
Dwight and Gareth. Colleagues.
I'm just watching.
Now that would be the best NeXTSTEP for you, Steve.
Jews for both Jesus and Steve Jobs.
So where do we go now?
Delete. Fix. Do something.
Shame on me!
It's no Discount Meats.
But it's impossible to look at it and not read it out loud and in character.
Unsigned hype #001: Summertime music alert!
As I am always on the lookout for the next unsigned hype, my minions have reported back from Southern California with an EP from a band called The Botticellis.
Because it's melodic California pop you get the obligatory Beach Boys reference, but there's also been some nods to The Shins. I think they sound like Rooney, but The Botticellis 5-song EP already has better tunes on it then the other guy's 11 track LP.
The Botticellis - "Killing Spree"
The Botticellis - "The Timing"
Self-titled EP is unavailable for purchase, but you can download two more of their songs from their myspace page.
July 8, 2006
Like my 3 year old says:
July 7, 2006
Hey, you're pretty good ...
July 6, 2006
July 5, 2006
Sampling the samply samplin' McSamplers.
Guess this get-up would have been a bit too meta for the duo?
NO BLACK BOX.
Building No. 7, a short film by Steven Soderbergh:
( Click here to buy Wholphin No. 2)
July 4, 2006
Fever Pitch.
“Some more than others.” -- Spike on the extent to which humans are human
"It scared me." -- Tom on his favorite horror film, Monsters, Inc.
"You’re a gross person and I kinda want nothing to do with with you." -- Tom on lighthearted family prankster Chad Shackleford
"Yo, John Scharpie, man, what is a podcast, man?" -- Fred, not a subscriber, but still a filthy junkie
"Oh, Hasselhoff, don't do it." -- Tom, trying to avoid a clean sweep on America's Got Talent
"It's all juice bars now." -- Ted Leo, lamenting what's become of the old neighborhood
"It puts me back to sleep for my 11:30 a.m. nap." -- Tom, new FIFA spokesman
"Did you pick your ascot out yet?" -- Tom, asking Richie Rich if he has the requisite attire for his snob school
"We want to live. Don't you want to live, Tom?" -- Richie Rich, dropping some Wooderson-y Goshen philosophy
"You got no heart, son." -- Tom, on Goshen's Tin Man
"What's happening to this community, Tom?" -- Rev. Ken Miller on Newbridge in decay
"I don't know what it is -- I just see them and I have to help them." -- Ken Miller on his compassion for stray dogs that wander into adult businesses
"You just light the stuff and it goes off, right?" -- Ken Miller, oblivious to the safety problems of his planned indoor fireworks presentation
"I never did find that dog!" -- Ken Miller, still searching
[TBSOWFMU - 6/27/06 **NO ARCHIVE** / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]
*The podcast is up to a lucky (Heinz) 57 subscribers, which is staggeringly low considering the Recid-O-Cast has 213! Tom's done begging -- he will no longer tap dance for the pod people. Once he figures out how to work the magic red button, he will add one bonus minute of chit-chat to the live show to reward people for checking out the real three-hour extravagonza with all the hott music.
Sleater-Kinney - "Start Together"
( Click here to buy The Hot Rock)
Chavez - "Top Pocket Man"
( Click here to buy Ride The Fader)
Boris - "Furi"
( Click here to buy Akuma No Uta)
Danko Jones - "When Will I See You" [I had never heard of these guys until a couple of weeks ago when Evan "Funk" Davies played them while filling in for DJ Terre T and now I've decided that they rock HARD.]
( Click here to buy Sleep Is The Enemy)
Sleater-Kinney - "Taste Test"
( Click here to buy Call The Doctor)
Bonus track for Spike, the Astro-creep, a dungeon-dwelling American freak, yeah!:
White Zombie - "More Human Than Human"
Annotated highlights:
- A dude with an iffy British accent calls and drops a hint about his identity by singing the opening line of "This Charming Man". It's the one and only "Morrissey". He asks Tom if he's "smitten by my wily voice“, and Tom tells him that he needs to re-enroll in impression school because it was a whole lotta terrible. Popular online funzine Gingerbread Corsair is reporting that Moz is working on a 2006 update to the track that addresses the mutants that have been defacing storefronts and tormenting Tom and his family. Sample lyric: "Punctured tall bike/on a Brooklyn desolate ..." It'll be out in mid-August on Vice Records as a charity 7" benefiting the Free Annika campaign (vote YES on Prop 97!), featuring guest spots from Andy Samberg, Coco Hayley Gordon Moore, Taylor Hicks, KHBX's Tillie Sullivan, Petey, former NY Knicks guard and tazering enthusiast John Starks, the Higgins boys w/ Dave "Gruber" Allen, celeb chef Bobby Flay, Laura Cantrell, and Celtic Frost's Tom G. Warrior, among many others. The b-side will be a Death From Above 1979 remix of "Pretty Girls Make Graves" featuring Pretty Girls Make Graves.
- Spike falls back into his usual time slot and gives Tom some news: he's been turning on his customers to The Best Show and numerous other programs. Is this how Fred really discovered the show? Tom clarifies that the customers in question are those visiting Spike's basement apartment for dithiplinary sessions and not patrons of his hot dog stand, which is known for its orange crate seating, a small television that plays the Friday the 13th series in a continuous loop, and a controversial sign indicating that patrons must sing some doo-wop before being served. Spike says that dungeon business is picking up after a slow period due to trouble coordinating customer schedules with his scary-packed appointment book. Tom thinks he was just too busy watching his daytime stories like The Young and the Restless. Per Spike's recommendation, Tom finally bought a VCR, but he couldn't figure out how to hook it up, so he's waiting for The Jock Squad to swing by to install it.
Spike taunts Tom about his lack of technical skills by saying that he knows some 4-year-olds who can manage the task without assistance. Tom's not thrilled about the suggestion that he's dumber than a toddler, so Spike makes a meager attempt to make Tom feel better by saying that his mother never knew how to set up a VCR, either. Once Tom's machine is up and running, he vows to tape programs left and right, starting with TYatR. Spike also gives Tom the go-ahead to grab The View now that "Piglet Jones" is leaving the show. Spike says that everyone calls Star Jones "piglet", but Tom considers it a low blow and poses a question: "Are we all not just human, Spike?" Spike's quick retort: “Some more than others.” Spike kinda got Tom on that one.
This, of course, led to a discussion of Rob Zombie. Spike is familiar with Zombie's music (he calls it "interesting"), but has yet to see either House Of 1,000 Corpses or The Devil's Rejects. He plans to see them because he's a fan of decapitations, castrations (a disturbing new entry in Spike's lineup of cinematic desires), choppings, and hack-em-ups. Spike reiterates his love for slasher heroes Chucky, Jason, Michael, Freddy, and Sarah. Wait. Whuuuuuuuuuut? Tom is not familiar with Sarah, so he defers to the horror afickionado, but Spike's confused about the origins of this killer. He thinks there is a character named Sarah in either I Spit On Your Grave or Last House On The Left. I'm pretty sure he's referring to the female member of the baddie trio in LHOTL, and, considering her name, I'm stunned that he could not remember it: (Sexy) Sadie!
Tom's daddy wouldn'tlet him see LHOTL as a child, and he remains deprived of Wes Craven's "gruesome" directorial debut. Spike is certain that he'd love it and also thinks he knows Tom's favorite horror movie. However, his guess of The Legend Of Lizzie Borden is wrong. Tom's favorite horror film is the frightening genre classic Monster's, Inc. Spike wonders if this is the film featuring Halle Berry's Oscar-winning turn, but that's Monster's Ball. Tom tells him that Monster's, Inc. is an animated film that depicts what the world is like with monsters that torture people. Spike wants to know if it contains any decapitations, but Tom can't say because he was too scared to watch the entire film. He's still slowly working his way through it. Spike hopes that people get eaten by the monsters.
Since the phones are lit up like a holiday tree, Tom has to move along, but Spike wants to the know the latest on "Sternberg", known to most people as MC Steinberg. Tom's not sure, but says that Spike might be able to catch up with him in the dungeon. Tom asks Spike if he'd be willing to give a listener a free visit and suggests Mike the Associate Producer as a potential candidate for a session. Spike says Mike is too nice -- he only tortures people that he can't stand. Mike was initially very excited about the opportunity (he yelled "Yipeeeee!"), but after calming down a bit, he decides that he will only go if Tom joins him. Tom says that he would be laughing too hard to focus on the dithipline and would have to redefine the word "dungeon" to mean "leaky basement apartment". Tom informs Spike that someone in the upstairs apartment left the sink on and it's flooding his basement. Spike's not buying it and says that if they did it, he would castrate them. Tom's creeped out and hangs up.
- Not a long time listener but first time caller Chad Shackleford checks in from his deck to chat about the upcoming July 4th holiday. Tom tells him that he'll be spending the day with family, and Chad wishes him the best of luck. Tom says he doesn't need it, but Chad needs quite a bit of it because of his family's biggest flaw: they are really, really, really, really irritating. While many people have a family member or two that they butt heads with, all of them irritate Chad to no end. The chief irritant is his Aunt Jackie, whose offenses include being old, incessant nagging, and, especially, constantly worrying. Aunt Jackie elevates the smallest of things to the level of castrophe, a trait common to Chad's older female relatives. He can't dance with that and likes to take action. Chad piled his wife and three kids into the car for a 3.5-hour drive to a small Shackleford family reunion over the Memorial Day holiday. One morning, Aunt Jackie wanted to go to one of the area outlet malls. To everyone's surprise, Chad volunteered to take her. A few others wanted to go, but Chad insisted that it was just the two of them, fooling them into believing that he wanted to spend quality time with her.
Aunt Jackie has a loose grasp on her mental faculties, so she was an easy target for Chad's ulterior motives for the supposed shopping jaunt. Chad drove 80 miles away and left his aunt in the parking lot of a small, rural convenience store because she was really getting on his nerves. Tom wonders how this will address the core issues, and Chad said it would at least put her out of irritation range. Chad is not sure if she ever made it back home safely and worked up a story to explain why she did not return with him. He claimed that she got carsick en route to the outlets, so he went ahead and took her to her house, which is not far from the family gathering site. Nobody suspected anything until after they got home from the reunion.
Chad explains that he does this stuff all the time to entertain himself and considers it a funny prank that helps him deal with the familial annoyances. He also does "lighthearted pranks" to his wife and kids to get through the day. He has a fairly lax, stress-free corporate job that grants him some free time during the day. For about a week or two, Chad would put pantyhose and a wool cap on his head and return to his house. He'd peek in the windows and spy on his wife as she was doing the dishes or milling about the bedroom. She was understandably convinced it was a Peeping Tom, but it was in fact her merry prankster husband. She'd call the police, who would then call Chad at work. He'd race home and pretend to be surprised, determined to track down ("We're gonna get this guy!") the perpetrator.
His wife was freaked out, but Chad thought the whole thing was hilarious. Tom thinks it's terrible to put fear into his family and thinks he has a twisted sense of humor. Chad insists that he's just executing harmless pranks, including some aimed specifically at his two youngest kids, ages 3 and 6. They are into children's programming, so Chad will tell them it's time to watch their shows. They'll run in expecting their favorites like The Wiggles and SpongeBob SquarePants, but, unfortunately for them, Chad will have something cued up that is far from kid-friendly. The content includes the dog explosion scene in John Carpenter's The Thing, a film that deeply disturbed Tom, and the head explosion scene in David Cronenberg's Scanners. He also once told them that he had rented Babe 2: Pig In The City, but he actually had the ultraviolent, Normandy invasion scene from in Saving Private Ryan cued up.
Tom wants to know what he has against his children that would make him trick them into seeing such graphic violence. Chad claims he has nothing against them and just likes to play jokes on them. Tom wants him to define "joke". Chad defines it in the form of a story about taking the kids to Chuck E. Cheese. They wanted to listen to Top 40 or some kids music, so Chad played Morbid Angel at full blast the entire way there. Tom doesn’t understand why he finds the stuff funny and disputes his claims that he is simply a prankster. Tom believes he's a sociopath with a demented sense of humor that is damaging his children. Chad thinks his kids are good sports about it and tries to illuminate this with another tale of his hijinks. He has a company car that he keeps at the office, so his kids have not really seen it. They are on summer break, playing in the neighborhood -- the 3- and 6-year-old stay close to the yard, while the 9 year old is granted a bit more range to roam about. When he gets to work, he’ll go into the breakroom and take take every condiment -- ketchup, mustard, mayo, vinegar, etc. -- out of the refrigerator and mix it into one of those 64-ounce, Big Gulpy cups along with mushed-up lunches of co-workers to create a vile, liquified atrocity. He’ll put the pantyhose over his head, don a ski-mask, put on some different clothes, and get back in the company car to drive where his kids are playing. Once he spots them, he’ll throw the mixture on them. He says it’s really funny and the looks on their faces are hard to believe. The 6-year-old wears glasses, so the goop blinded him.
Tom thinks he’s gross and needs help; Chad thinks Tom lacks a sense of humor and only needs help in the form of new prank ideas. He got a pro massage the other day and when the massuese left the room, he dug $15 out of her purse and left it as a tip. Chad rejects Tom's accusation that he's a thief, saying that he's only guilty of tipping her with her own money. Tom thinks he’s awful, gross, and wants nothing to do with him. Chad doesn't know why Tom is being so negative, and Tom explains that he’s just not into hurting people and not throwing things at children. Chad laughs thinking about his kids covered in the garbage. Tom says he's despicable and may be the worst caller he’s ever gotten. Chad says those are strong words and thought Tom would find it funny. For his sake, Tom hopes he gets caught because he's not doing jokes -- he's attacking people and, to make it even more scary, it's his own family. Chad says they are irritating, so Tom suggests getting away from them. Chad doesn't want to because they are a constant source of entertainment. He wants to know if Tom wants him to visit and do a prank on him, such as hitting him with a bag of "dog doo" as he walks down the street. Tom’s responds by hanging up.
- Fred calls to warn "John Scharpie" about messing with a dude like Chad Shackleford. He also didn't like that Tom called him a dirty junkie 55 times last week, but does nothing to suggest that the claim was false. He wants to know if Tom's a junkie and says he used the term "420" last week because in Sweden, it means that everything is OK. Just before getting dismissed, Fred asks "John Scharpie" what a podcast is. The world is closing in on The Kid. Too many shows in a row.
- Tom had a bad experience over the weekend at a taping of America’s Got Talent. As part of the first tier of auditioners, Tom sat in the studio audience and watched some of the acts -- bass player Wizzard hitting the low G, I-ron's Reggae Challenge's union of music and shotput, and professional snappist Bobby Badfingers. Regis called him up as part of the next wave of performers, so Tom was backstage getting appropriately jazzed. He was confident that he could be one of America's most talented and entertaining open phone conversationalists. Tom eventually took the stage and was trying to do his thing, but the lack of open phone lines meant that he couldn't take calls to flaunt his flexibility. He had to dial somebody on his cell phone and try to hold it up to a microphone because they did not have the setup to run it through the studio PA. The first call: fax machine. On the second attempt, he got some old bat who had no idea what he was talking about. The judges started to weigh in -- the British guy gave him the X, then Brandy gave him the X, and then Hasselhoff finished him off. 1-2-3, out of the game.
Tom was upset and said some things that apparently cannot be aired on television, which he thought had more liberal speech restrictions than radio. In a nutshell, he was escorted from the building and his segment will not air. In retrospect, I think Tom should have skipped the phones and just uncorked his sizzling Meatloaf cover. At a minimum, The Hoff would have rocked out.
Is Zachary Brimstead trying out for this show? It's probably not metal enough for him.
- Fred's back and wonders why Tom is being so harsh on him. He remembered the Sex Pistols song he tried to request last week: "I Just Wanna Be Sedated". Fred's GOMPed for being a moron. Tom wants to know where these people come from. He feels it all slipping away and strikes the microphone in frustration.
- The line flashes and Tom hopes it's not Fred. Far from it! It's professional rock star Ted "The King" Leo! Ted hasn't been able to keep up with the show for a few weeks and landed in the middle of bizarro land with Spike back in the fold and Tom surrounded by weirdos like Fred and the Goshen kids. Ted's sad to see what's happened to the old neighborhood while he was away and doesn't like the influx of juice bars. Tom tells him that it's actually far worse than just a retailer shake-up. The streets have achieved Death Wish 3-grade filthiness and require a thorough cleansing akin to Paul Kersey's romp through East New York. Ted cannot confess to having ever seen DW3, and Tom tells him it's one of the best films ever made.
In addition to being a world-renowned rock star, Ted is an afickionado of the futabal, so Tom cues up "World Cup Fever" to launch his impressive debut as the new Best Show correspondent for all the news from the pitch. (Ted assumes the post vacated last year by Larry the Perv, who lost the gig after some offensive remarks about Mia Hamm and Brandi Chastain.) Ted's been spending the last few weeks serving as a caretaker, so he's had a lot of time to watch and analyze the World Cup matches. Tom watched both of the previous day's games and thought the Ukraine vs. Switzerland match was a snoozefest that did nothing to sway public perception that the sport is just "some jerks kicking the ball back and forth."
Ted and Tom both enjoyed the end of the Brazil-Ghana game earlier in the day, featuring the Brazilian faithful cheering the heart of the Ghana squad as they frantically tried to score. Tom thought it was exciting, heavy-duty stuff, and Ted admired Ghana's skill at setting up plays and dropping the ball exactly where they wanted it. Tom likes seeing fast break action, which prompts Ted to propose a rule change that would eliminate the frequent offsides calls and boost offense. Tom and Ted agree that if the offensive player beats the defender, it's the defender's job to track him down. Similar to the 3-second call in the lane in basketball, Ted suggests a limit on the amount of time a player can hang out in the box and thinks the new rule could be used to create an "American soccer".
Tom wants to know if Ted was rooting against the American team, but Ted says he likes them because they are one of the few class-act sports ambassadors the country offers. He cannot deny that their play was completely inept, only scoring one goal courtesy of an Italian player's foot. Ted says that there was an American dude right there ready to tap it in, but Tom points out that he would have missed. In general, watching soccer is painful for Ted because he played for eight years and then got cut from his freshmen high school team. Tom asks if he was nixed for being too slow-a-foot, but it was actually the result of being too inquisitive about his standing on the team. Ted wanted to know if he was just spinning his wheels and wasting his time, so he asked the coach what was going on after two weeks of tryouts where he hadn't cut anyone. Ted now realizes that his coach, who looked like Eric Bogosian with the facial moves of Jeff Spicoli, was probably stoned a lot of the time. Ted asked him if he was going to make the team and Bogosian-Spicoli responded: "Uhhhh, yeah, probably not." Ted was initially relieved, but later found out he was the only person cut, so he probably would have made the team if he had kept his mouth shut. Ted wasn't the worst guy trying out for the team -- that fat kid was.
Tom never had any room for soccer in his life, but now that he's been watching it, he discovered that it offers him a delightful range of experience: the bad, boring games are relaxing and aid his late-morning napping, while the exciting games give him a nice jolt. Ted gets back to the World Cup and gives a rundown of his predictions and his take on the remaining teams. His fear of the expected Brazil vs. Argentina final has since been erased with France and Germany bouncing them, respectively. Portugal defeated England so Ted will no longer have to watch David Beckham's hair gel or the constant camera pans to Posh Spice. The last remaining team is Italy, a squad Ted thought was talented, but also overly emotional and disorganized. Omar's picks for the all-Euro Final Four:
Italy def. Germany 2-1
Portugal def. France 3-2
Final: Italy over Portugal 1-0.
Tom wants to know what Ted thinks about the soccer hooligans, and Ted makes a good point -- with World Cup tickets going for 300 € and up, you'd have to be a really successful hooligan to get in. Tom thinks it's easier to just buy a ticket to a Ted Leo rock concert. Ted says there is plenty of room there, but Tom points out that the last Teddy show he saw at the Knitting Factory was SRO. If you show up at a Ted Leo concert, you may just be sent home without dinner. Ted was supposed to be in the studio this week to continue to work on his Touch & Go debut, but had to cancel. He's having a hard time and needs to sit on it for a while. In another sign that Tom could use a rest, he misfires on a Happy Days reference, mistakenly citing Fonzie instead of Potsy in response to the "sit on it" comment.
Tom informs Ted that Mike is also a soccer enthusiast, currently sporting an Argentina jersey; Ted is wearing a Ghana shirt that he just got at frontrunners.com. Tom thanks Ted for easing the transition from Fred, and Ted promises to do some research on the filthy junkie that seemingly emerged from under a rock in Queens. Ted closes with a strong message for the upstate dorks: "Hey, this is Ted Leo from Ted Leo & the Pharmacists. Knock it off, Goshen!"
Follow Ted's World Cup postings over at the aptly-named tedleo.com.
Air Miami - "World Cup Fever"
L-I-V-I-N: The Goshen crew begin to melt while waiting for Mommy's homemade brownies. Note the $35,000 fruit bowl.
- Richie Rich calls to say he liked the tunes Tom played in his last set. He was particularly pleased with the presence of the 1960s electric transistor organ, something he feels is missing from today's musical landscape. Looks like we've found the next Charles R. Martin! Good thing Tom didn't play "Jigsaw Puzzle". Rather than tell Tom where he's calling from (as if we didn't know), he directs him to check out the WFMU message board. Tom discovers a thread titled "Goshen Rules!" that features a picture of the caller and some of his out-of-their-league cohorts. Richie Rich tells Tom that it all could have ended last week, but then Tom had to bring Ted Leo into the fray. Richie Rich considers Ted Leo to be like a father to him, and Tom informs him that his fontasy father hates him, so it's just like real life. He accuses Tom of co ercing Ted into making anti-Goshen statements, a completely unfounded claim. Tom wonders if he has a landscaping job to go worry about, but that was another Goshen kid. Tom attempts to probe Richie Rich's summer plans, but he resists, thinking that Tom was putting him on the stand for some kind of inquisition. Tom says he was just trying to make conversation, and Richie Rich says he was doing the same. Tom loses patience and demands swift response: "THEN ANSWER MY QUESTION!"
Richie Rich doesn't have any big vacation plans, so he'll spend the summer working a couple nights a week at the pizzeria (a fake job that builds fake character) and hanging out. He tells Tom that he's the one in the picture with the nice shirt, folding his arms at an angle. Tom's always been a big fan of that angle. I must admit, it's a pretty awesome angle. Anyhoo, Tom has finally seen what he's up against, and Richie Rich assures him that this is only a sampling of a larger Goshen crew. Tom points out that the guy on the far right looks like O'Bannion from Dazed and Confused and suspects that they are rehearsing for a stage version of Dazed and Confused: The Younger Generation. Tom later points out that the kid in the middle appears to be trying to emulate the sax player from the A-Bones. Tom's certain that the kids have no lives. Richie Rich doesn't deny it, but he also doesn't think it's their fault. Tom thinks it kinda is and believes there are more productive things they could be doing instead of holding up fruit and posing for pictures. Richie Rich wants an example, and Tom suggests reading books. Richie Rich retorts: "Been there, done that." Tom tells him that there are many books out there, including those not assigned to them at school. Richie Rich thinks there's more to life than reading books -- the Goshen kids want to l-i-v-e. He wonders if Tom also wants to live.
At this point, Mike points out an intriguing figure creeping into the right side of the image: a mom wearing a pink jumper holding a tray of brownies. Richie Rich hasn't examined the picture, but since he's only 12, he can't move out and rid himself of the perils of parents sneaking into the frame. Tom disputes his age, and he admits that he's 18 and getting ready to put on the ascot to attend the snooty Boston University in the fall. This impending matriculation convinces Tom that he's dealing with a curly-headed rich kid who looks like the bassist from the MC5. Richie Rich tries to soften Tom's accusation by saying he got a half-tuition scholarship, but the damage is done -- it's the familiar Best Show battle between snobs and slobs. Tom, a proud slob, went to a community college, working his way up the ladder without the benefit of having everything handed to him.
Richie Rich reveals that his real father is a lawyer, but he's not evil since he just does mundane house closings. Tom has a different take -- he thinks he's a coward who only cares about raking in money instead of fighting for good causes. Richie Rich doesn't have his own car, but he sometimes drives his parents' muscular Buick Roadmaster (aka the "Moneymobile"), which is packin' 411 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper Edelbrock intakes, bored over 30, 11-to-1 pop-up pistons, and turbo-jet 390 horsepower. Tom's heard more than enough to issue his judgment: the kid's got no backbone. He's soft as the day is long and it's written all over his face. Tom can tell that deep down, each Goshen kid is weaker than the next. Richie Rich interprets this as a dig at his physical strength and wonders what good that is in this day and age. But Tom's not Lou Ferrigno -- he's talking about strength in the heart and the head.
Tom thinks it's too late for Richie Rich because his parents have molded him into a soft-serve cone that can't just magically transform into FrozeFruit. He'll have his way and when he lands in jail, his parents will bail him out and then his daddy will call his other lawyer buddies to make it all go away. He's destined for a soft job and a soft life, but Tom views this as a positive because the world needs a lot of soft-serve so the FrozeFruit can squash them out. Tom thinks he lacks a heart, and Richie Rich tries to counter by suggesting that Tom doesn't have one. Nice try, but Tom's robust ticker is indisputable, confirmed for good measure by Mike. Tom tells him that he's part of the Good Guys brigade and they don't have any use for tree sloths from Goshen, hanging out at the fancy Cobrai Kai dojos, trying to stick it to the Daniel Larusso's of the world.
Much like Tom deals with the perils of having so much heart and talent, Richie Rich will eventually have to come to terms with his softness when daddy's money runs out. Tom can already see the first signs of melting in the picture. If he's going to become a stain on the sidewalk of life, Richie Rich at least wants some rainbow sprinkles, so he can create a multi-colored swirl of shame. With the dismantling complete, Tom GOMPs the little troll.
Ice Cream Truck - "Soft Serve Sleepytime"
- Rob from Fanwood, N.J., calls and wants to know if he's talking to Tom. He is, but Tom traps him in a fun game of fake call screener shenanigans. Rob tells Tom that he'd like to chat with Tom about how he got started writing for a certain television show, but Tom says that Tom can't talk about that due to a conflict of interest policy. Afer making sure he's turned off his radio, Tom confirms that he came up with an alternate topic for Tom. He tells Tom that he will ask Tom if he should move to L.A. to aid his dreams of becoming a writer. Tom puts him through to Tom, who adopts an aggro curtness. Rob explains that he's a new fan of the show and thinks Tom is a funny man. He tells Tom that he wants to get into the television racket, but he's not sure if he should go west or remain in New York. Tom says he doesn't know and GOMPs him. Tom chuckles. The ruse made him feel a little better.
- Reverend Ken Miller from Newbridge Episcopalian calls to let Tom's young listeners know about the special things they have on tap. His parish is trying to connect with the young kids of Newbridge on their level and make inroads in bringing them into the church. Tom thinks he read about Ken's outreach efforts in an article in the Newbridge Herald-Times Herald that profiled a priest known as the "Rock 'N Roll Reverend". Ken said that the piece was actually about their good friends over at Newbridge Lutheran, led by their great new minister Rev. Mike Thompson, a former rock 'n roll guitar player for Newbridge's own White Tiger. Ken thinks he's a great guy, and he's heard that Rev. Mike has been booking rock bands and showing movies like The Cross and the Switchblade and The Last Temptation Of Christ. Ken hasn't seen the films, but he thinks Rev. Mike uses them to start a dialogue with the young people. Ken thinks it's a great idea, and Tom agrees that it's healthy to be able to discuss different aspects of one's spiritual life.
Ken thinks the events that Newbridge Episcopalian has lined up will be even more appealing to teens. In August, they're doing their Make a Joyful Noise festival featuring groups like Necropsy, Hex Head, and Timmy von Trimble fave White Reign. Tom informs him that White Reign is a white power group. Ken's never heard of any of the bands, but Chuck assured him that these are the bands that kids today really like and helped line them up. Tom wants to know more about Chuck, so Ken gives him the backstory of how he met him.
Ken's 54 and his knowledge of popular culture and music stops in 1977, the year he entered the seminary. The last album he bought was Billy Joel's Stranger. Since he's so out of touch with this stuff, he thought the best way to find out what today's kids are into would be to consult the very kind of person he's trying to reach. He went to Newbridge Commons and started talking to Chuck, the very nice young man who dispenses quarters at the arcade at the far end of the mall. The arcade is located two doors down from where the Lady Foot Locker used to be, and Tom thinks it's odd that there's still not a new business in the location two years after its closing. Ken's heard strange stories about the space from people in the community, and while they may just be tall tales, some say that there are ghosts haunting the old Lady Foot Locker. Ken suggests further exploring this in a ghost story segment, which Tom will consider for next Halloween.
Ken introduced himself to Chuck so he could probe his mind about current music and then hire the bands to draw kids into his parish. Tom asks if Chuck's a typical teen, and Ken says he's about 20, has no hair, and has rings coming out of his eyebrows, which he found very odd. He reminds Ken a lot of Matthew, a young fellow he met at the Video Vault over at East Newbridge Muse. Matthew is helping Ken program films for the festival to spark discussion. Much like music, Ken knows little about modern cinema. The last film he saw was Saturday Night Fever, which followed a screening of Oh, God! Matthew recommended some inspiring titles by a very famous director named Trent L. Strauss: You're Soaking In Her, It's Raining Membranes, Pukeadelphia, and Dr. Sleaze. Tom says they are the opposite of inspiring and informs Ken that Strauss is a director of extreme exploitation horror films. Ken didn't hear anything about that, but Matthew told him that he's very highly regarded in Europe, especially Belgium. Tom doesn't think he's as respected domestically, where he's considered just a sleazy horror guy. Tom tells him that these are not the kind of films he should be showing at church. Ken laments that he's already rented the films and paid the bands.
Ken asks about Pirates Of The Caribbean 2, and Tom thinks it's definitely more family-friendly but doesn't come out in theaters for another week. Ken plans to run a double feature, pairing it with Little Man, which doesn't hit multiplexes for another three weeks. Ken acquired the films through a German man named Werner. Tom thinks this may be the same Werner that used to work out on the docks at Consolidated Cardboard. Tom requests a physical description of Werner, and Ken says the friend who introduced them compared him to a guy who was in a film called The Hitchhiker. (Ken got the title wrong -- it's The Hitcher, which is being remade with Andy Milonakis in the C. Thomas Howell role.) Tom tells him that the actor in question is Rutger Hauer, and Ken echoes the previous description we heard from Darren: he's smaller than Hauer, has a beard that's dyed black, and yellow hair. Tom tells him that it's illegal to have the bootleg films. Ken's concerned and says that explains Werner's creepy behavior, such as lurking around the narthex on Sundays. Tom confirms that Werner is a shady character because he knows people who have had problems with him due to his unsavory business dealings.
Ken realizes that he's becoming privy to a whole underside of Newbridge that he didn't know existed. Tom wants to know how he's finding these people, and Ken says he just meets them out in the community. Tom says it seems like he has a real knack for finding the wrong people, especially Chuck, who served as a catalyst to the darkside by introducing Ken to Matthew, who then introduced him to Werner. Ken asks Tom if he's ever heard of The Sopranos. Tom tells him that it's a very popular program on HBO, so Ken's pleased to announce that two huge stars from that show will be attending his services in the coming weeks -- Louis Lombardi, who played FBI Agent Skip Lipari, and George Loros, who played NJ Capo Raymond Curto.
Werner assured Ken that they were big stars, but Tom's seen every episode and can barely place them. Tom wants to know why he's so obsessed with reaching out to young people, and Ken says he's lost a good portion of his flock (attendance is down 80%) to Newbridge Lutheran. He's not as charismatic as Rev. Mike, so he's losing kids, who take their parents with them. Ken is saddened and frustrated by the efforts of what he calls a "Reverend-come-lately". Tom doesn't think that having obscure television character actors show up is an effective means of spreading the message. Ken hopes Tom will be more impressed with his "Communion vouchers" -- in addition to the wine and wafer, you get a voucher for an autograph from Louis and George. Tom thinks he's corrupting what it means to receive the sacrament.
Ken's surprised by Tom's reaction and predicts that he will start knocking the celebrity lookalikes. Next Sunday, Ken will put President Bush and Jenna Jameson lookalikes in pews around the congregation without telling the public that they're not the real people. Tom doesn't approve and informs Ken that Jameson is a porn star. Ken said that Werner sold him on the idea as a way to create a buzz around the mass, and he listened because he's afraid of him. Tom says his fears are justified. Ken asks Tom if he should cancel the third lookalike -- Rich Robinson from a band called "Black Crowe". Tom said he knows that guy and tells Ken that he recently planned to kidnap the real Rich Robinson and switch places with him.
Tom thinks there are higher ways to inspire people other than bottom-shelf mainstream pop culture references and trappings. Ken wonders if "laser Anthrax" fits that bill. Chuck told him about this very spiritual concept that involves kids sitting on the grass in a tent behind the church on nice summer evenings. A professional laser operator then shoots laser beans onto the tent ceiling while the music of a group called Anthrax plays over the sound system. Tom's baffled that Ken would find this appropriate and asks Ken to reflect on the band name. Ken was told it was Biblical in nature, but didn't have time to look it up. Tom explains that it's a heavy metal band and not even a good one. Ken's surprised that Tom doesn't think the laser beans will help draw people, and Tom tells him that, for one thing, it's actually beams. Ken writes that down. Plus, Tom says if people do show up, it will be for the wrong reasons. Ken says he has to get them in somehow and wonders if he should cancel Kamal as well.
Ken heard that the kids today are very excited by what they call "prank telephone calls". He's arranged to have a young man named Kamal perform several of these prank calls over the chuch PA system during sermons. He was told that Kamal is the genre's best performer. Tom tells him that he's part of The Jerky Boys duo and that his partner, Johnny B, is better. Ken wants to know if he would be more expensive, and Tom says yes. This is a problem because Ken is already pretty far over budget for the festival. At this point, he'll need to have at least 700 people giving $20 every Sunday for the next year in order to break even.
He also plans to experiment with a "preach-free sermon" where kids can come by to sit around and play video games, listen to their iPlods, and eat candy without being disturbed. Tom says that they might as well not show up. Ken is determined to do whatever it takes to free them from the clutches of Rev. Sleaze Mike. Tom wants to know why he would refer to his colleauge as "Rev. Sleaze". Ken didn't want to get into this, but says it's no secret that Rev. Mike partook in the debauched lifestyle that goes along with the world of rock 'n roll. He points out that in the article Tom read, they left out the part about his arrest in 1989 for having sex in a public bathroom while under the influence of cocaine. Ken's source on this is Darrrell, a PI he hired because he wanted to find out more about the new Reverend in town. Tom wonders what he'd do with the information other than say it on the radio. (Ken was not aware he was on the air.) Ken would like to think that Rev. Mike's new parishioners would like to know as much as they can about the man they're entrusting with their children's spiritual guidance. With the exception of that one incident in 1999, Ken's record is spotless. Ken says that the incident in question was technically a breaking and entering, but the charge was quickly dropped. Turned out that the arresting officer, Officer Harrups, was found to be on cocaine when he made the arrest. Ken thinks this is a horrible breach of ethics and wonders what is happening to the community.
The arrest occured after Ken entered Adult Mania after it was closed. Earlier in the day, he was walking down the seedy Frontage Road and saw a stray dog run into the establishment in question. He followed it in to try to rescue it, but had no luck. Later that evening, he had to buy some groceries for an ailing shut-in parishioner and realized that he didn't have his debit card. He figured he lost it at Adult Mania, so he went to retreive it. Tom's not sure how he could have lost the card during a canine retrieval attempt, and Ken says that he thinks he may have bought a Summit bar or some water at the counter. He slipped through a window and just as he had located his debit card, Officer Harrups came storming in. Ken says that the word in the community is that Rev. Mike has a ton of other skeletons in his closet. Ken heard that he was a very frequent customer of a strip club right up until he joined the ministerhood. Tom wonders what bearing that has on anything. Ken thinks it has a lot of bearing and once saw him at the Love Nest on Muffler Row. Ken entered the club looking for another stray dog, and while he couldn't find it, he was thirsty so he had a club soda at the bar. As he was sipping it, he saw Mike come in and pay for multiple, disgusting lap dances. This was all right before he became a Reverend, although Ken was already a Reverend. Tom says he felt sorrow for him at first because he thought he was just misguided, but now he's not so sure.
Ken saw a woman grinding against Rev. Mike before they retreated to a private room for a more intimate entanglement. At that point, Ken had climbed into the false ceiling to get a closer look at what goes on in these places. He fell out onto the stage in the middle of one woman's dance, ripping her G-string. Ken says it was sick. Then she fell on him, which was sicker. Tom thinks the whole thing sounds sick. Ken has something even sicker than that. He once saw Mike drunk beyond all recognition at Los Amigos near NC. He was walking past and saw a stray dog wander in, so he went inside to discover Mike having sex in the bathroom. He alerted Officer Harrups, but he had to let him go because he was still on the Newbridge marching powder. Tom says it sounds like Ken is a very torn person.
Ken wants to know if Tom can help him get ahold of 700 pounds of fireworks in time for the July 4th holiday. He's been placing ads in the local press to promote a massage fireworks presentation that will spell out "Newbridge Episcopalian Rocks!" inside the church. Ken says that nobody will sell them to him because it's too dangerous, and Tom concurs. Ken wants to know if Tom has any ins at Black Cat Fireworks in Middle Westbridge. Even if he did, Tom said he would not provide them to Ken due to safety concerns. Ken thinks Tom is typical of all the people he's been meeting in Newbridge and he may have to give up his quest to connect with young people. He reveals that he's calling from Newbridge Massage, yet another local business he's frequented by following a stray dog. He has to run because he thinks he hears Officer Harrups coming.
Tom thinks Ken may be the saddest caller ever. Mike the Associate Producer is usually as stoic as Maximus in Gladiator and it made him sad.
The Jerky Boys - "Egyptian Magician"
The Jerky Boys - "Sol's Glasses"
Already a bit woozy, Tom is finished off by the final flurry of callers. None of them knew what they wanted to say. It'd be cooler if they did.
- Tommert calls to apologize for not taking part in the show of late. He's in college and has been meeting a lot of new, interesting people like his English teacher who is really hyped up on Percoset from a car accident. Tommert has some people knocking on the door, so he has to go.
- A guy who kind of sounded like a Kamal character calls and takes 10 minutes to turn his radio down. When he finally does, he doesn't know what he wants to talk about.
- Taylor from Goshen calls to apologize for the "Roxanne" debacle of last week. He still wants to hear it.
- Kamal, the self-proclaimed best caller ever, is back. He answers to stupid, calls Tom a moron, and still doesn't know what he wants to say.
- Some guy had the Best Show number in his cell phone so he called for no reason.
- Tommert calls back to tell Tom to calm down.
Tom rips up his show docket with all the fun ideas he had and then plays "Porcupine Pie" twice in a row.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:
With his batteries recharged, The Kid makes his triumphant return on July 11th to clean the riff-raff off the streets ...
... earning some much-deserved respect ...
... and giving the bad guys their comeuppance:
The Good Guys win every week for the rest of 2006. Mutants lose. Mark it down.
"When the world steamrolls you, you're gonna steamroll it back." -- Tom
July 1, 2006
Televised Programming Bulletin. #014:
We saw Louis C.K.'s. Then it was Rick Shapiro's turn. And now:
