"Who is the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?" -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
"I hope you’re in the Wawa parking lot four hours from now with your brother laughing at you.” -- Tom wishing a coerced hot dog meal on John from Missouri
“I had the soup zinger.” -- Greg from Raleigh, lobbying for an extra point
"You know they sell this stuff in stores pre-made." -- Tom informing Purple Shirt about retail beer buying
“That’s right, Leykis, I called you a tree sloth” -- Tom, bringing it to his competition
“I’m in the Arby’s men’s room!” -- Bluetooth douche
“Good luck with that loveless marriage!” -- Tom, wishing a caller well in her pursuit of an MRS degree
"I’ll punch you in the face." -- Tom, ready to battle Fred on the Triboro Bridge
"Mermaids: you can’t live with ‘em and they can’t pee standing up." -- Grandpappy Jack, imparting wisdom on the life aquatic
"What is ART?" -- Day Of The Dead enthusiast Oscar, pondering the great questions
"Open your ears, jackass." -- Obese barbershop quartet star Zachary Brimstead after Tom has some trouble deciphering some extreme rounding in his rendition of Necko Case's "Maybe Sparrow"
"Immigrants and----" -- Zachary Brimstead, getting cut off by Tom during his rendition of GNR's "One In A Million"
“Who wouldn’t want to see a barbershop pole shoot laser beans?” -- Zachary Brimstead
"I'd recognize that cumberbun and those sweatpants anywhere." -- Zachary Brimstead, identifying himself on the cover of Newsweek
“Once you’ve had fudge fruit, you’ll never go back to dumb fruit.” -- Zachary Brimstead on The Fudge Tub's fudge-filled fruit
"You’ve probably never had a three-octave 'what' dropped on your bottom." -- Zachary Brimstead on his operatic inquisitiveness
"My brother calls it the planter." -- Zachary Brimstead on his skeletal and immobile 1968 Mercedes Benz
*A flurry of excitement brought the subscriber total to 55 and a spot in the high 30s on the iTunes Top 100 Comedy podcast charts. However, the floor has fallen out and the show is tumbling in the ratings. If the show falls out of the top 100, Tom will pull it. In addition to chatting it up at church, the solution to all of this may be additional financial support.
Wu-Tang Clan & System of a Down - "Shame On A Ni**a"
( Click here to buy Loud Rocks)
Dirty on Purpose - "Marfa Lights"
( Click here to buy Hallelujah Sirens)
Be Your Own Pet - "Hillmont Avenue"
( Click here to buy the Summer Sensation EP)
**PICK OF THE WEEK**
There will always be a best show on WFMU, but until The Kid packs up his old kit bag and takes down the tentpole, this recap is all about The Best Show on WFMU. Annotated highlights of the nitty, the gritty, and the warm weather weirdos:
- Tom discusses (starts at 31:01) the bottle of beer brought to him by Best Show HOFer Megan. Turns out it was Tall Bike Premium Scottish Brown Ale, homebrewed with the finest ingredients and utmost care by Purple Shirt at the Bicycle Brewery in Brooklyn. The label sports a chap riding an old-fashioned bike and Tom's terrified and nervous to actually drink it. Much like tall bike culture, Tom doesn't get home breweries, nothing that while one can go to the store and get six bottles for $7, residential production time is nine days for a bottle of beer that ends up costing $212 after factoring in the labor and ingredients. For Tom, the sense of accomplishment ("I made it myself!") is not worth the financial and time committment.
Feelin' the Heat: John from Missouri (right) attempts to get down his first hot dog in five years after losing a bet with his brother (left) on the NBA Finals.
- John from Missouri calls (starts at 33:03) with a unique gastronomical problem relating to the NBA Finals. He and his little brother live to disagree about things -- as brothers are wont to do -- and were at odds over who would rule the Eastern conference. At the beginning of the season, John announced that the Pistons would take it and said his brother was a ridiculous person for thinking that the Heat would get past them. When the Heat did indeed make the Finals, John, a strict vegetarian of five years, vowed that he would eat a hot dog if the Heat won the championship.
He's starting to get scared, but Tom thought his fears were unfounded since the Mavs were returning to their home court and had Stackhouse back in the lineup. He also noted that the Mavs struggles were the result of some fluke, bonehead moves (The Timeout, Terry misfires, etc.). John wonders if Dirk Nowitzki will show up for the game or stay at home playing Pac-Man. Tom finds this odd because Nowitzi has shown up for every game during the playoffs, although maybe John was predicting a regression to his early season form when he missed an entire week of play because he was in an online No-Limit Texas Hold 'Em tournament on PartyPoker.
John continues to diss Dirk, including making up some slanderous shooting statistics. Tom tells him that Dirk has added passing and rebounding to his arsenal and GOMPs him for being a blowhard and a blabbermouth. Tom hopes that John's night ends at the Wawa parking lot, eating a crow dog while his brother laughs at him, which is something brothers are wont to do.
- Purple Shirt calls (starts at 37:24) to shift the conversation from basketball talk to home brewery talk. Tom agrees that the show needs to hustle its way from NBA Finals chatter to discussion of a niche hobby. PS, his son, and his son's friend, Jack, just got back from a Nacho Libre screening and are celebrating with some cultural mockery by eating burritos and wearing sombreros. PS is also dipping into his stash of Tall Bike Premium Scottish Brown Ale. Tom sums up the current state of the PS household: humiliating an entire race of people while being drunk in front of children. PS adds that he's also riding eight feet off the ground on his tall bike.
Before getting to the craft of homebrewing, PS tells a story about how he got a six-year-old banned from WFMU the previous Saturday. The same moviegoing trio were en route to WFMU for PS's Listener Hour stint. They stopped at Dunkin' Donuts for some radio fuel -- two cases of donuts and a liter Coke. The boys were sufficiently sugared up and uncooperative, and Jack unleashed a profanity that prompted he engineer to ban him for life. PS will commemorate the event for Jack's parents with a "MY SON WAS BANNED FROM WFMU" bumper sticker. PS says the word was not that bad and he's since heard worse on the air. Nevertheless, Jack was read the riot act, shown the door, and flogged in the parking lot.
Tom thinks the ban is good because “the airwaves must be preserved” and WFMU has no need for Brooklyn toilet mouths. it's not pirate radio out of Red Hook -- it's the real deal in JC.
- Greg in Raleigh calls (starts at 40:57) to complain about the earlier basketball talk and move on to his hometown hockey heroes. PS wants to talk about the Mets, so there's a sports conflict. Greg declares that "we did it", referring to the Carolina Hurricanes Game 7 victory over the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup the previous night. Tom informs him that the team actually won the game, but Greg feels he deserves credit for supporting the team because "they'd be nothing without the community." Greg argues that Raleigh is a total hockey town and always has been, while PS wonders if they really have a team. Greg calls PS a dunce and tells him all he needs to know about the franchise: he's talking to one of the champions right now. PS is not clear on what type of hockey Greg is talking about, asking if it is the roller or street variety. Greg nodded off during the riff and wakes to PS questioning the presence of ice in Raleigh. Greg says they don't right now because it's summer and calls PS a jerk. Tom gives Greg a point in the zing game, but Greg wants two because he's a champ. PS counters with a "jerk" of his own and the sounds of some kind of falling object could be heard on his line. Greg suggests that it was a pot of soup and Tom gives him his second point, but Greg lobbies for three. There's some debate about how PS earned his point. Greg thought it was for calling him a jerk, which he feels is a mundane quip that any child could manage, but Tom tells him that the point was for the comment about the lack of ice in Raleigh. Greg thinks this just shows ignorance.
Greg reveals that he's never been to Brooklyn, and Tom says he's not missing much. Greg says he is missing one thing: the world's largest stock of white belts. He thinks that's at least a two-point zing and wants Tom to dump PS. Greg requests an impromptu contest on the chat to see who gets dumped. The first to five wins, and Greg says he'll be as victorious as their boys last night. Greg wins 5-, but PS remains on the line. Tom goes back to the young toilet mouth and asks PS what his parents do. They run a classy bookstore, unlike Greg's parents, who run an adult bookstore. At this point, Greg rolls out because he's gotta make a squeege.
Tom wants to hear more about the homebrewing process and PS says that the beer undergoes a six-week fermenting process before it is ready to consume. Tom tells him that there are stores that sell pre-made bottles of beer, but PS explodes the myth of retail brew by declaring that it sucks. PS's six-year-old son can be heard in the background issuing directives for a GOMP and gets on the line for a GOMPing of his own. Tom wonders what is going on in Brooklyn with profane youngsters getting banned from a radio station, another kid trying to tell him how to run his show, and a parent drinking homebrew in front of them. Tom thinks a raid may be necessary.
Some chatters thought that this might be the youngest GOMP ever, but Tom once GOMPed the one-week-old infant that eventually became Baby Ed from Greasy Kid Stuff. This was, of course, one of Tom's Top 10 proudest moments ever. Programming note: GKS is being replaced on the WFMU summer schedule by porn magnate Al Goldstein's Saturday Morning Blue, aka The Worst Show on WFMU.
- Dock Dad Downer calls (starts at 52:51) to kick off Tom's proposed Dads vs. Grads segment. Since Father's Day and school graduations both fall within the month, Tom wants to moderate a smack-talk-laden battle for ownership of June.
He asks Tom what he’s got to say and wants him to lead the way because it’s his show. Before Tom can pull the bus out of the parking spot, he launches into a riff about the Hurricanes being unfortunate because they won the year nobody noticed. DDD grew up in the winter wonderland of Minnesota and used to play hockey, but he didn’t even bother to track the Stanley Cup finals. Speaking of hockey, Tom says the Dad’s on thin ice with a phone that sounds like he’s talking in a wind tunnel. He explains that he's out on a loading dock in Brooklyn and blames the poor reception on Sprint, one of America’s finest corporations. Tom GOMPs him for steamrolling Tom with excessive blabbering. This essentially kills the Dads vs. Grads segment.
Tom debuts (starts at 54:50) a new, rapid-fire Best Show game: Shoot Me In The Head If … The rules are simple -- find the one thing that would grant public permission for a merciful blammo to the skull. Since this show is not hosted by tree sloth Tom Leykis, there were no gun sound effects to go along with the game.
Tom started it off:
Shoot Me In The Head If … I ever start playing golf
Dock Dad Downer comes back to apologize for his steamroll. He argues that he was waiting for Tom to be quicker and lead the way. Tom says it's hard to lead the way when someone's talking over him. Dock Dad Downer says he's not into the whole brevity thing and can't help it. His call to arms:
Shoot Me In The Head If … I don’t come through for my children
This is too heavy for Tom, who compares the entry to morose cinema like The Pledge or The Brave. As a result, Dock Dad Downer gets his second GOMP for dragging down the show. Before being dismissed, he managed to tell listeners that feline AIDS is the primary killer of domestic cats.
A chat entry shows DDD how to maximize the fun:
Shoot Me In The Head If …I ever wear flip-flops
Shoot Me In The Head If ... I watch American Idol
Since No Smoke is a notorious liar, Tom suspects that he probably loves the show. Tom wants to know why he lied to him, and No Smoke has told so many fibs that he wants to know which lie Tom is referring to. Tom tells him that he wasted his time and hurt his heart. No Smoke thought he was doing some good, but Tom compares him to a fireman who starts a fire and is the first on the scene to put it out. No Smokes is like the devil, mixing lies with the truth and then laughing a smoky laugh. Tom tells him that he's awful and can't even muster a GOMP.
Shoot Me In The Head If ... I ever start liking NASCAR
Wow. My prediction was wrong. Tom hooked him! Tom speculates that his entry will involve listening to the "The Hampster Dance", and August says that one of his THD-loving friends is downstairs. He would put him on, but his parents are listening to the radio and he thinks there will be a problem with the telephony mingling with background radio. Tom admires his knowledge and is amazed that a 12-year-old knows what so many older callers do not. Tom then does a bang-on recreation of the caller-host interaction when this bush-league move occurs.
Shoot Me In The Head If … I should ever commit suicide
Tom compares the entry to a Steven Wright joke and thinks it might be the most brilliant thing he’s ever heard. Keep calling, August.
Shoot Me In The Head If … … I ever start blogging (holdonasecondthere…)
Shoot Me In The Head If … the world forgets about Cannonball Run
Tom and the caller can’t imagine American culture if this cinematic flame was extinguished. Tom informs him that they are remaking the film with It Film Boy Andy Milonakis in the Burt Reynolds role. The caller thinks this is ridiculous casting and while Tom's a big supporter of Milonakis as the new Ferris Bueller, he agrees with him on this one.
Christopher in RI:
(Implores Tom to) Shoot Me In The Head If… I’m ever seen with a t-shirt tucked into shorts
Tom holds this entry up as an example of a pro call -- get in, hit it out of the park, get out.
Steven in Chicago:
Shoot Me In The Head If … I ever buy a pair of Tevas
Bowery Boy Huntz:
Shoot Me In The Head If ... I ever get caught saying, “You know, that Billy Joel really isn’t that bad.”
Tom gives him one thank, indicating a pretty good call.
Shoot Me In The Head If … I ever call you again
Tom turns the gun on himself and gives zero thanks.
Shoot Me In The Head If … I ever drive a minivan
Tom gives thanks.
Shoot Me In The Head If … I don’t always please my lover
Tom gives a thank and longs for the pep of Dock Dad Downer. One can now also get their pep with a Rockiato at the KISS coffeehouse!
Shoot Me In The Head If ... I ever turn into one of those pus buckets
This is the Day Of The Dead reference Oscar mentions later in the show.
Shoot Me In The Head If … I ever talk on one of those headsets on the cell phone (requests that the bullet go right through the earpiece)
Tom is in full agreement with the hideousness of the bluetooth ear clip things worn mainly by the cool, important business men who can't go into an Arby's men's room without yammering into the urinal wall and hammering out a deal. Tom gives many thanks for this entry.
Shoot Me In The Head If … I ever go to a Rockapella concert
Tom is impressed with the caller's wireless phone setup that emits just the right amount of reverb, converting his echo chamber/living room into a facsimile of the NJ 101.5 studio. To complete the effect, the caller performs an impromptu tagline: "Not New York, Not Philadelphia, Proud to be New Jersey!"
Shoot Me In The Head If ... I ever have enough kids to need a minivan
This 21-year-old female collegian tells Tom that while she's studying anthropology, she's really just trying to earn the MRS degree and marry a rich man. She only wants one kid, but Tom thinks she'll end up with many more due to her attitude. She considers three or four kids too many, but Tom points out that DVP had no problem dealing with eight. Tom wishes her luck in finding a wealthy man and the resulting loveless marriage.
Shoot Me In The Head If ... I ever buy a lottery ticket
Tom's points out that all it takes is $1 and dream for a ticket out of the hellhole. The CC is happy in his trailer park and not tempted by the lure of riding a mechanical horse around town. Tom tells him that if he hits the lottery, he could apply wings to the entire trailer park and fly it around the clouds. The CC is now intrigued and plans to rush out to the 7-11 to buy scratch-off tickets. Tom spent $800 on the Superman scratch-off game and made back $61,000. Tom does a few lines from Star Wars that are lost on the CC. Tom says that if he won the lottery, he could buy SW and Lost on DVD. The CC prefers to use his money for the three-movie Netflix subscription.
Shoot Me In The Head If … I’m ever caught drinking a Lime Rickey
The caller prefers a nice cold sodey like Coke (Diet Coke if he’s feeling bloated) when it comes to non-alcoholic beverages. In the beer scene, he opts for Red Stripe, and if he's really letting loose, he'll indulge in a yuppie single-malt. Tom tells him the news that all beer is terrible except the Tall Bike Premium Scottish Brown Ale from Brooklyn. He’ll get some if the hipsters don’t kill him first.
Nick the Bard:
NtB tells Tom that he got his nickname by penning poems for Professor Dum Dum's Lab. He's GOMPed before he can even reveal his entry because TBS is an island -- you're either with Tom or against him. There's only room for one talk show from 8 to 11 on Tuesdays.
- Petey calls (starts at 1:34) just to check in with "Tom Bomb" since he has one of the good shows. He's also acting as the surrogate for a tired Faffer's game entry:
Shoot Me In The Head If … I’m photogenic
Tom thinks the extremely giggly Petey is high again, but Petey says he’s not that kind of person. Petey claims that Tom previously told him that he smoked pot in high school to fit in and did it in college because it helped him write better scripts. Tom denies it, but either way, Petey still loves him. Tom wonders if he smoked a joint prior to a call; Petey claims he doesn’t even know what a joint is.
Petey then tells Tom that he plans to take over the WFMU studios with some of his friends on 7/18/06, if he doesn’t mind. Tom says it will never happen. Petey thinks it will because his brother knows how to go on trains. Petey's gang will chill with him on the PATH train, stop off at Washington Square Park to score weed, eventually get off at JC, and find the WFMU studio. His crew -- Boring Dan, Annoying Ryan, and Brian -- will be dressed in black (Free the WFMU 3!), storm the studio, kick off whoever is doing the Listener Hour, and do their own show. It was Petey’s idea because he’s punk. Tom’s already mad at a show that would theoretically not happen for a month and won’t ever actually happen at all.
- Sam calls (starts at 1:39) to see if Tom can straighten out his friend Dan, an anti-Best Show, megalomaniacal NBC Studios intern. Sam met Tom earlier in the year at his birthday party and his mom made a cake for The Kid. Sam has tried to get Dan into the show, but he's brushed it off and has not explored the podcast or the archives. Sam told him that Tom would come after him if he continued to resist. Tom's baffled that someone thinks they are above him because they are throwing away half-eaten sandwichs at a place that also happens to make television. Tom thinks he's walking into a trap and reluctantly calls Dan, first getting his manservant. Dan picks up and Tom congratulates him on his exciting internship where he answers phones, researches Gabe Pressman's drink preferences, and gets yelled at by Maurice Dubois for failing to get mayo on his sandwich.
Dan starts riding his tall horse and Tom requests that he dial it down a notch since he's just doing charity work for GE. Dan points out that Tom is an employee of GE, but there's one big difference: Tom gets pizzaid. Tom's had enough and GOMPs both for taking the show off the rails. Tom recommends quibbling off the air in the future.
- Tristan calls (starts at 1:48) to cheer Tom up with a story after the Sam-Dan debacle. T-Rocks has been out of the Best Show game for a while, but hopes to get back into the mix with the most magical story of his past year of college. The magic happened while coming back from school on a Greyhound bus, the transporation of choice for college students. Tristan nodded off for a while, and as he woke up, he looked out the window. He saw the cab of a tractor-trailer moving perfectly in tune with the bus’s speed. Inside the cab was a man. In one hand, he’s holding the steering wheel. In his other hand, he had a dinosaur puppet (not a euphemism, an actual puppet). He’s looking right at Tristan and talking. Sometimes, he'll turn to the puppet, who will say something. He turns back to the bus and says a few more things. The dinosaur puppet responds and then waves at the bus. The driver then took the next exit.
Tom thinks it was probably a serial killer. Tristan freaked out the surrounding bus audience, frantically asking if anyone had seen it. They had not. Tom says the story is similar to the episode of The Twilight Zone where
Leonard Nimoy William Shatner saw a Gremlin on the wing. Tristan agrees, although he thinks his story is less scary and more magical. I think this may have been one of the guys from Wonder Showzen filming something for the next season.
- Fred in Queens calls (starts at 1:51) to find out what kind of show he's listenting to with all the talk about hand puppets. (He's probably one of Spike's clients -- dude sure could use some dithipline). Tom asks him what he did that day and he responds with "nothing 420", a clever and sly drug reference. Fred somehow locked into the station and was pleased to hear Jim E. Hendrix and Ike and Tina Turner, but was then disappointed by all sorts of boring stuff. He wonders why on Earth anyone would subject themselves to the show when life has so many wonderful things to offer. Tom thinks it’s wonderful to not complain and tells him to go play Hendrix records. Fred becomes more aggro, telling Tom to "play some more music and shut up." This was a bad move by Fred, because as we've seen with the Tall Bike battles, Tom is not afraid of anyone. He promises to punch Fred in the face and knock his dirty pothead block off. Tom envisions a battle royale on the Triboro Bridge that will be similar in scope to the Spidey vs. Doc Ock rumbles.
- Fred's less capable dimwit buddy Adam from Goshen calls (starts at 1:55) because he thinks Tom's a cool dude and wants to talk to him so he can play it for the grandkids some day. He's so excited that he forgets Tom's name. Tom tells him it's Gene. The whole crew is carrying on in the background because somebody's parents are out enjoying the Goshen nightlife. They want to wage war against the show, and Tom wants to come to their town and smash one of their prized landmarks. Adam says the town is particularly proud of their 10 gas stations, the QuikStop convenience store, and the nation's first harness racing museum. Tom's very impressed by the museum, but realizes that Goshen has so little to offer that he won't even bother with the defacement.
Adam works as a manager at Burger King. His Dad was recently dishonorably dischaged by the Old US Navy for executing a Code Red in the khakis section, so now he's working with computers in some unknown capacity. Tom hates when the kids get out of school.
- Fred's back (starts at 2:00) to tell Tom that he was fascinated by the chat with the BK manager and wants to meet on the 59th Street bridge in one hour to settle the dispute. He then unmasks Tom as an artificial Howard Stern who employs deep sarcasm when he should be playing more music Ike & Tina, Hendrix, Coil, Black Sabbath, or Phillip Glass. Tom adds Throbbing Gristle and Nurse With Wound to the playlist. Captain Jack joins in (starts at 2:02) and becomes a kind of bizarro voice of reason amidst Fred's marijuana thinking. He offers Tristan and Bruce as the show's burly mastodons of masculinity and was blown out of the water when he found out that Tristan was considered a geek in high school. He also drops a nugget of wisdom from his dear old grandpappy: “Mermaids. You can’t live with ‘em and they can’t pee standing up.” He wants to hook up with Tom and Mike the Associate Producer next week so they can cruise around JC.
Fred's requests a Sex Pistols song, but can't recall the title so he directs Tom to play the good, trippy one. Tom's proud to be operating on a sober wavelength and not residing on Planet Fred. Fred's so high he can't even remember his own 420 drug reference, and Tom suspects the whole thing was a bit. It kinda sounded like Matt Walsh. Fred Bites Tom!
- Tom takes a stab in the dark (starts at 2:06) and predicts the next caller is a Goshen kiddie. He's right! (This was made easier by the fact that the Goshen kids were calling the wrong number all night.) The caller claims the show is crap, with Tom just hanging up on people and then bashing them for 20 minutes. Tom confirms this by hanging up on him in mid-speak.
- Oscar decides (starts at 2:09) to counter all the interesting people that had been calling by doing the opposite. He previously played the Shoot Me In The Head If ... game with a reference to George A. Romero's Day Of The Dead, featuring the lovable zombie Bub. Tom's not a fan of the film and is ready to say that Romero stinks for only making two good movies (Night and Dawn) in a directorial career that's spanned a half century.
Mike holds up a SNOOZE sign to prompt Tom to dump Oscar, who starts probing deeper questions like what Art is. Tom tells him to go meet Fred on the bridge, tell him he's Tom, and get a bottle smashed on his head.
Barbershop buzz band Chordiac Arrest, shortly before taking the stage with The Boredoms at the Pitchfork Intonation Festival in Chicago this past weekend.
- Zachary Brimstead, Esq. returns (starts at 2:11) to The Best Show for the first time in over five years to request "Gentlemen's Agreement" from Barbershop Sweat. Tom explains to listeners that he was a big barbershop quartet singer, and Zachary agrees with everything Tom said expect that he should have inserted "The Biggest". He also thinks Tom is trying to trick him in a past tense shenanigan game (ZB don't play that) and confirms that he is still very much active in the genre.
Tom doesn't have the Barbershop Sweat record, so Zachary requests some Chordiac Arrest, one of the new barbershop groups who are almost as good as the Dapper Dans. Tom's never heard of these groups since he's never been into the barbershop scene. He's also unfamiliar with Three Men and a Melody, so Zachary will take any barbershop that's carted up. Tom tells him that there is no barbershop in the cart, and Zachary thinks this is evidence that WFMU is a rinky-dink operation. Zachary can't believe Tom doesn't have a copy of the hugely successful Born To Barbershop record, featuring barbershop renditions of great rock songs.
He wants Tom to guess the lead-off track and, after getting his pitch pipe happening and doing a count-off, he sings a bit of "Born To Run" by the Jersey Devil himself. Tom thought he sounded like he was suffocating on “engines”, but Zachary explains that you tweak the final line in barbershop by rounding or stretching the o’s. It's up to the discretion of the individual barbershop artist and Zachary will sometimes do both. Zachary gets a little disco vibe going and wants Tom to keep time with him as he does "Miss You". Tom thinks it's fantastic and Zachary urges him to not be embarrassed to declare it the best version of the song ever done.
Zachary would sign an autograph for Tom over the phone if such a thing were physically possible. Tom’s not that into autographs, but he is into contemporary, happening rock. Barbershop Sweat packed it in due to creative friction over the direction of the band. The others guys wanted to stick with classic rock like REO Speedwagon, Bruce, and the Stones. Zachary was tired of singing those songs and wanted to push things forward with newer rock. He gives Tom a taste of the kind of tunes he's interested in covering. He does Death Cab's "Soul Meets Body", which Tom thinks is nice, but would be better with the other guys filling out the arrangement. Zachary assures Tom that he's the loudest in the mix.
Zachary asks Tom if he's heard of The New Pornographers and their lady vocalist named Necko Case. Tom tells him that it's pronounced Neeko, but Zachary thinks Tom needs to go to rock school. He does "Maybe Sparrow" from her new solo album, Foxfire Brings the Noise. Tom picks up on the extreme rounding of “warning”, the final word in the snippet. Tom thinks it sounded like "ward-on", and Zachary tells Tom to "open your ears, jackass." Tom apologizes, and Zachary informs him that "no apology could be too great, don’t sweat it." Tom sarcastically promises to make sure he's comforted by his apology. Zachary says that Tom will never comfort him. Instead, he will comfort Tom, but not in that way, of course.
Zachary needs Tom’s help. Bad. He wants to sing lead for Supernova, the new reality television band featuring Tommy Lee, Jason Newsted, and former GNR axeman Gilby Clarke. This is CBS's reconfig of Rock Star, which previously found a new singer for INXS, which Zachary pronounces as "inks". Tom tells him that it's "in excess", but Zachary disagrees. Anyhoo, Zachary wants to win that and wonders if Tom has any “ins”. Tom doesn't, but even if he did, Zachary would still have to compete. Zachary is confident that he would blow them away since he can sing tunes by all those bands. He proves it by dropping a bit of the Crue's "Dr. Feelgood" before moving on to a GNR Two for Tuesday. He does "Mr. Brownstone", featuring some nice stretching of the "o" sound in "alone". The second track was "One in a Million", an ill-advised selection from the Lies EP. Zachary manages to get out "immigrants and ..." before Tom cuts him off due to offensive lyrics. Zachary doesn't know where Tom's coming from, but moves on to Mr. Newsted's old band by giving a new shake to “Fight Fire With Fire”. Tom wasn't into the robotic feel of the rendition.
Zachary is confident that CBS will incorporate the great barbershop ideas he has for the live show setup, particulary a barbershop pole that shoots laser beans into the audience. Tom tells him that it's actually beams, but Zachary insists it's beans. Zachary says Tom can't talk to him like that and is about to get silenced by his level of fame. He ssumes that WFMU subscribes to all the big-time magazines, so he tells Tom to grab the new issue of Newsweek. Tom gets it and Zachary directs him to read it and weep. The cover on America's obesity epidemic features a picture of half of a guy wearing a tell-tale cumberbun and sweatpants. It's Zachary. He suspects that someone snapped the photo as he was exiting The Fudge Tub in Newbridge Commons next to where the Lady Foot Locker used to be. This eatery offers fudge, fudgey ice creams, fudge licorice, fudge pudding, fudge cookies, fudge brownies, and fudge fruit. Tom's baffled by the notion of fudge fruit, and Zachary explains that they inject the fruit with fudge so it’s gets a fudgey middle. He tells Tom that once you've tasted the fudge fruit, you can't go back to "dumb fruit", which is his term for fruit in its natural state. Zachary is proud of his girth, but Tom does not consider an unidentifiable obesity photo in Newsweek true fame. Zachary's retort: "Nigga please.”
Tom is horrified by the phrase, but Zachary thinks he's free to use it since it's a rap lyric used by 'Ol Dirty Bastard. Zachary raps all the time and throws down some old-school science in the form of the Barenaked Ladies' "One Week":
Chickity china the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin X-Files with no lights on, were dans la maison
I hope The Smoking Man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I‘m getting frantic
Like Sting, I'm tantric
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy
Tom's not impressed by the rap, and Zachary says he can't help it if Tom's not down. Tom questions the coolness of the Barenaked Ladies, which leads Zachary to hit three octaves (sounding a bit like a Tarzan yell) while inquiring about what Tom is talking about. (This is the first three-octave "what" ever dropped on Tom's bottom. Bryce recently hit two octaves.) Tom can’t talk to him like that because he owns a vintage ’68 Mercedes Benz. When he gets it running, he will run Tom over. It currently has no wheels. Or a roof. Or an engine. Or paint. His brother refers to the vehicle as a "planter" because there are weeds in it, around it, and through it.
While running over Tom’s head, Zachary will sing the greatest song ever written -- "Porcupine Pie". He gives Tom a preview of what his head crushing will sound like by singing a bit of the tune. Tom tells him it's the worst song of all-time, but Zachary insists it's the best. Tom's still upset about his toilet mouth, but Zachary wants Tom to be his Doc McGhee and manage him. He’ll be Scott Ian or Evan Seinfeld, proving that he loves the mash of metal and reality music television. He’s gonna off Tom if he can’t get him on Supernova. The planter will be ready by ’09, so he tells Tom to hold still and catch a groove for three years until it all goes down. He leaves Tom with a bit more "Porcupine Pie" before hanging up.
THE FINAL 10 MINUTES:
It was somewhat of a hard night for El Goodo -- he barely made the show last week, and this week he had even more hanging over his head. He looked at himself in the mirror, presumably wearing his crown, and debated about doing the show. He thought he earned a week off to rest his weary bones and heal since he hasn't missed a show since 3/21. Before that: 11/15/05. He decided that despite being run down, despite the personal business, he was going in and bringing it. He's not soft-serve and he's not looking for a trophy, garland, ribbon, wreath, or a medal. But then Dads vs. Grads went off the rails, sad, lonely children from Goshen started bugging him, and a filthy Queens drug addict compared him to a bad Howard Stern.
- Taylor from Middletown calls (starts at 2:50), congested with a summertime cold. He's aware of Goshen and requests "Roxanne" by The Police. He also tells Tom that it's impossible to eat six saltines in a minute in case Tom's looking for something to do. Tom has "Roxanne" cued up and wants Taylor to do the intro, but then he drops the bomb: “I’m from Goshen.” Goshen wins. Good Guys lost. Mr. T calls to seal the victory.
Is The Best Show done for the year?
Not even County Mounty can save the day as it’s aborted midway through. But fear not: the SOTs have the bad guys in the crosshairs.
Hopefully the kids from Goshen taped the show so 2,200 years from now when the world has ended, the aliens can shimmy their way through the underwater wreckage to find a gaggle of little robot boys listening to their unfunny great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfathers getting GOMPed many times over.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:: Tom declares August the next Mitch Hedberg after he delivers a killer 30-minute set of absurdist comedy, an FDA spokesman declares Tall Bike Premium Scottish Brown Ale unfit for human consumption and links Purple Shirt to KernCo's food division, and the theme songs are seamlessly transitioned, allowing the show to finally achieve true perfection.