Recidivism.

Paying attention to that video.

Previously drunk on Recidivism: Little Help and George Clooney?

Posted by Omar at 3:52 PM | Permalink | Comments

In 1969 at the height of James Brown's career he recorded a jazz album with the Dee Felice Trio. It features versions of such Frank Sinatra standards as "That's Life", "All The Way" and "Strangers In The Night". After recently playing it for my James Brown & Frank Sinatra loving Dad he remarked, "I can see why I've never heard of it." Touché. There are however two jazzed-down James Brown originals that are very good.

James Brown - "Cold Sweat"
James Brown - "There Was A Time" (Amazon)

If, like me, you hear the opening to "There Was A Time" and think, "I should sample that. It would make a great early 90's hip-hop track." Just know that Chubb Rock beat you to it 15 years ago.

Chubb Rock - "Treat 'Em Right" (Amazon)

Posted by DOP at 12:18 PM | Permalink | Comments

A number of years ago I picked my eye doctor on the basis of his name: Dr. Wener. Pronounced exactly like you want it to be. Older dude. Maybe late 50s? Nice herb-y white guy. Or so I thought.

Went to see him for the first time in six months yesterday and found him sporting a new look: shiny, reflective bald. Dude became a dead ringer for Lex Luthor. With my head in the eye-examination vise, I complimented him on his new look. He explained (without prodding!) that he'd worn a toupee for years, but that the office got up a vote for this new thing. Nice. Omar can fill you in on the rest of the office (apparently I'm not the only one picking opthamalagists based on last name affinity with Oscar Mayer), but you should know that Wener was probably the only one who could actually count the follicular fashion votes with any degree of accuracy.

Anyway, my cell phone starts ringing in the middle of the exam. I hate my cell phone, usually have it on vibrate, and still haven't figured out how shut it up when it goes off audibly. I fumble around, turn it off, and Wener goes (in complete, but exclamation-point-free, sincerity): "Wow. That's your phone? That ringtone is great. Sounds like TV in the '70s."

TV in the '70s! Herb-y, bald, Spacey-as-Luthor Dr. We[i]ner was digging on my Kill Bill heisted sound effects ring tone. Dude got 100x cooler in one visit.

The Rza - "Flip Sting"

( My soundtrack has a first disc: it's Kill Bill: Volume 1 )

Posted by x amount at 8:55 AM | Permalink | Comments

"Is Guy's of the white shirt the vocalist from the WHO!=?=?=!?=!?==!?=!?=!? AWESOME!!!!" -- onm3rcur7, YouTube.

More Pollard-Pearl Jam action here.

Posted by Omar at 8:23 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 3:15 PM | Permalink | Comments

Each Sunday now, my brain struggles to adjust to the pressure drop that takes place on HBO from the consistently brilliant Deadwood to the much anticipated but consistently...um...less brilliant Lucky Louie. Despite mad props for Louis C.K., one of the R collective's favorite comedians, his stand up act has yet to translate on screen to any comparable degree of hilarity. Still, after only three shows I refuse to give up and remain hopeful that the show will hit its stride.

A Thought: Perhaps all that is needed is a slight modification to Deadwood's formula in order to lessen the disparity between the two shows. Enter Recid-O-Cast #010 (YouTubed below for the impatient types).

And what better way to mark our (long overdue) 10th podcast than to take it to the next generation. Videotape. It's the future of the industry.

[Get the next 10.]

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 1:19 PM | Permalink | Comments

On the new The Impossible: Mission, Pt. 1 odds and sods mixtape, Posdnous seems to forget that it was "that early '90s flow" that helped make De La Soul is Dead the best sophomore effort to come out of the Native Tongues posse (Disagree? You pick LET? Go vote!).

De La Soul - "What the F**k #1 / De La Soul's Poster"

( Fat Beats in my head; mixtape moves my feet. )

Posted by x amount at 11:19 AM | Permalink | Comments

Inspired by Bill Simmons's superfun take on YouTube (what a copycat), I went and plugged in my own favorite wrestling clan: the Von Erichs.

Prepare yourself, Dr. Red Duke. TREASURE TROVE. Not the least of which is theodore's fantastically trippy seven-part documentary The Von Erichs: Of Birth and Blood. Go ahead and spoil yourself by diving into part five (featuring Herve Villechaize's slightly premature ruminations on suicide):

Posted by x amount at 10:50 AM | Permalink | Comments

I don't know for a fact if that's a sample of the Swingle Sisters in this new Cut Chemist track, but I do know that he used a chunk of this song for that Jem remix he did from last year.

Cut Chemist - Metrorail Thru Space (Amazon)

Posted by DOP at 9:51 AM | Permalink | Comments

"Who is the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?" -- Obi-Wan Kenobi

"I hope you’re in the Wawa parking lot four hours from now with your brother laughing at you.” -- Tom wishing a coerced hot dog meal on John from Missouri

“I had the soup zinger.” -- Greg from Raleigh, lobbying for an extra point

"You know they sell this stuff in stores pre-made." -- Tom informing Purple Shirt about retail beer buying

“That’s right, Leykis, I called you a tree sloth” -- Tom, bringing it to his competition

“I’m in the Arby’s men’s room!” -- Bluetooth douche

“Good luck with that loveless marriage!” -- Tom, wishing a caller well in her pursuit of an MRS degree

"I’ll punch you in the face." -- Tom, ready to battle Fred on the Triboro Bridge

"Mermaids: you can’t live with ‘em and they can’t pee standing up." -- Grandpappy Jack, imparting wisdom on the life aquatic

"What is ART?" -- Day Of The Dead enthusiast Oscar, pondering the great questions

"Open your ears, jackass." -- Obese barbershop quartet star Zachary Brimstead after Tom has some trouble deciphering some extreme rounding in his rendition of Necko Case's "Maybe Sparrow"

"Immigrants and----" -- Zachary Brimstead, getting cut off by Tom during his rendition of GNR's "One In A Million"

“Who wouldn’t want to see a barbershop pole shoot laser beans?” -- Zachary Brimstead

"I'd recognize that cumberbun and those sweatpants anywhere." -- Zachary Brimstead, identifying himself on the cover of Newsweek

“Once you’ve had fudge fruit, you’ll never go back to dumb fruit.” -- Zachary Brimstead on The Fudge Tub's fudge-filled fruit

"You’ve probably never had a three-octave 'what' dropped on your bottom." -- Zachary Brimstead on his operatic inquisitiveness

"My brother calls it the planter." -- Zachary Brimstead on his skeletal and immobile 1968 Mercedes Benz

[TBSOWFMU - 6/20/06 / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

*A flurry of excitement brought the subscriber total to 55 and a spot in the high 30s on the iTunes Top 100 Comedy podcast charts. However, the floor has fallen out and the show is tumbling in the ratings. If the show falls out of the top 100, Tom will pull it. In addition to chatting it up at church, the solution to all of this may be additional financial support.

Guns N' Roses - "Shadow Of Your Love" (unreleased Appetite-era b-side)

Wu-Tang Clan & System of a Down - "Shame On A Ni**a"

( Click here to buy Loud Rocks)

Dirty on Purpose - "Marfa Lights"

( Click here to buy Hallelujah Sirens)

Be Your Own Pet - "Hillmont Avenue"

( Click here to buy the Summer Sensation EP)

**PICK OF THE WEEK**

Boys From Nowhere - "Goin' Too Far" (from Eat a Cherry: Cherry Blossom Clinic 2006 WFMU Fundraising Premium -- NOT FOR SALE MOFOS!)

There will always be a best show on WFMU, but until The Kid packs up his old kit bag and takes down the tentpole, this recap is all about The Best Show on WFMU. Annotated highlights of the nitty, the gritty, and the warm weather weirdos:

- Tom discusses (starts at 31:01) the bottle of beer brought to him by Best Show HOFer Megan. Turns out it was Tall Bike Premium Scottish Brown Ale, homebrewed with the finest ingredients and utmost care by Purple Shirt at the Bicycle Brewery in Brooklyn. The label sports a chap riding an old-fashioned bike and Tom's terrified and nervous to actually drink it. Much like tall bike culture, Tom doesn't get home breweries, nothing that while one can go to the store and get six bottles for $7, residential production time is nine days for a bottle of beer that ends up costing $212 after factoring in the labor and ingredients. For Tom, the sense of accomplishment ("I made it myself!") is not worth the financial and time committment.

Feelin' the Heat: John from Missouri (right) attempts to get down his first hot dog in five years after losing a bet with his brother (left) on the NBA Finals.

- John from Missouri calls (starts at 33:03) with a unique gastronomical problem relating to the NBA Finals. He and his little brother live to disagree about things -- as brothers are wont to do -- and were at odds over who would rule the Eastern conference. At the beginning of the season, John announced that the Pistons would take it and said his brother was a ridiculous person for thinking that the Heat would get past them. When the Heat did indeed make the Finals, John, a strict vegetarian of five years, vowed that he would eat a hot dog if the Heat won the championship.

He's starting to get scared, but Tom thought his fears were unfounded since the Mavs were returning to their home court and had Stackhouse back in the lineup. He also noted that the Mavs struggles were the result of some fluke, bonehead moves (The Timeout, Terry misfires, etc.). John wonders if Dirk Nowitzki will show up for the game or stay at home playing Pac-Man. Tom finds this odd because Nowitzi has shown up for every game during the playoffs, although maybe John was predicting a regression to his early season form when he missed an entire week of play because he was in an online No-Limit Texas Hold 'Em tournament on PartyPoker.

John continues to diss Dirk, including making up some slanderous shooting statistics. Tom tells him that Dirk has added passing and rebounding to his arsenal and GOMPs him for being a blowhard and a blabbermouth. Tom hopes that John's night ends at the Wawa parking lot, eating a crow dog while his brother laughs at him, which is something brothers are wont to do.

- Purple Shirt calls (starts at 37:24) to shift the conversation from basketball talk to home brewery talk. Tom agrees that the show needs to hustle its way from NBA Finals chatter to discussion of a niche hobby. PS, his son, and his son's friend, Jack, just got back from a Nacho Libre screening and are celebrating with some cultural mockery by eating burritos and wearing sombreros. PS is also dipping into his stash of Tall Bike Premium Scottish Brown Ale. Tom sums up the current state of the PS household: humiliating an entire race of people while being drunk in front of children. PS adds that he's also riding eight feet off the ground on his tall bike.

Before getting to the craft of homebrewing, PS tells a story about how he got a six-year-old banned from WFMU the previous Saturday. The same moviegoing trio were en route to WFMU for PS's Listener Hour stint. They stopped at Dunkin' Donuts for some radio fuel -- two cases of donuts and a liter Coke. The boys were sufficiently sugared up and uncooperative, and Jack unleashed a profanity that prompted he engineer to ban him for life. PS will commemorate the event for Jack's parents with a "MY SON WAS BANNED FROM WFMU" bumper sticker. PS says the word was not that bad and he's since heard worse on the air. Nevertheless, Jack was read the riot act, shown the door, and flogged in the parking lot.

Tom thinks the ban is good because “the airwaves must be preserved” and WFMU has no need for Brooklyn toilet mouths. it's not pirate radio out of Red Hook -- it's the real deal in JC.

- Greg in Raleigh calls (starts at 40:57) to complain about the earlier basketball talk and move on to his hometown hockey heroes. PS wants to talk about the Mets, so there's a sports conflict. Greg declares that "we did it", referring to the Carolina Hurricanes Game 7 victory over the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup the previous night. Tom informs him that the team actually won the game, but Greg feels he deserves credit for supporting the team because "they'd be nothing without the community." Greg argues that Raleigh is a total hockey town and always has been, while PS wonders if they really have a team. Greg calls PS a dunce and tells him all he needs to know about the franchise: he's talking to one of the champions right now. PS is not clear on what type of hockey Greg is talking about, asking if it is the roller or street variety. Greg nodded off during the riff and wakes to PS questioning the presence of ice in Raleigh. Greg says they don't right now because it's summer and calls PS a jerk. Tom gives Greg a point in the zing game, but Greg wants two because he's a champ. PS counters with a "jerk" of his own and the sounds of some kind of falling object could be heard on his line. Greg suggests that it was a pot of soup and Tom gives him his second point, but Greg lobbies for three. There's some debate about how PS earned his point. Greg thought it was for calling him a jerk, which he feels is a mundane quip that any child could manage, but Tom tells him that the point was for the comment about the lack of ice in Raleigh. Greg thinks this just shows ignorance.

Greg reveals that he's never been to Brooklyn, and Tom says he's not missing much. Greg says he is missing one thing: the world's largest stock of white belts. He thinks that's at least a two-point zing and wants Tom to dump PS. Greg requests an impromptu contest on the chat to see who gets dumped. The first to five wins, and Greg says he'll be as victorious as their boys last night. Greg wins 5-, but PS remains on the line. Tom goes back to the young toilet mouth and asks PS what his parents do. They run a classy bookstore, unlike Greg's parents, who run an adult bookstore. At this point, Greg rolls out because he's gotta make a squeege.

Tom wants to hear more about the homebrewing process and PS says that the beer undergoes a six-week fermenting process before it is ready to consume. Tom tells him that there are stores that sell pre-made bottles of beer, but PS explodes the myth of retail brew by declaring that it sucks. PS's six-year-old son can be heard in the background issuing directives for a GOMP and gets on the line for a GOMPing of his own. Tom wonders what is going on in Brooklyn with profane youngsters getting banned from a radio station, another kid trying to tell him how to run his show, and a parent drinking homebrew in front of them. Tom thinks a raid may be necessary.

Some chatters thought that this might be the youngest GOMP ever, but Tom once GOMPed the one-week-old infant that eventually became Baby Ed from Greasy Kid Stuff. This was, of course, one of Tom's Top 10 proudest moments ever. Programming note: GKS is being replaced on the WFMU summer schedule by porn magnate Al Goldstein's Saturday Morning Blue, aka The Worst Show on WFMU.

- Dock Dad Downer calls (starts at 52:51) to kick off Tom's proposed Dads vs. Grads segment. Since Father's Day and school graduations both fall within the month, Tom wants to moderate a smack-talk-laden battle for ownership of June.

He asks Tom what he’s got to say and wants him to lead the way because it’s his show. Before Tom can pull the bus out of the parking spot, he launches into a riff about the Hurricanes being unfortunate because they won the year nobody noticed. DDD grew up in the winter wonderland of Minnesota and used to play hockey, but he didn’t even bother to track the Stanley Cup finals. Speaking of hockey, Tom says the Dad’s on thin ice with a phone that sounds like he’s talking in a wind tunnel. He explains that he's out on a loading dock in Brooklyn and blames the poor reception on Sprint, one of America’s finest corporations. Tom GOMPs him for steamrolling Tom with excessive blabbering. This essentially kills the Dads vs. Grads segment.

Tom debuts (starts at 54:50) a new, rapid-fire Best Show game: Shoot Me In The Head If … The rules are simple -- find the one thing that would grant public permission for a merciful blammo to the skull. Since this show is not hosted by tree sloth Tom Leykis, there were no gun sound effects to go along with the game.

Tom started it off:

Shoot Me In The Head If … I ever start playing golf

Dock Dad Downer comes back to apologize for his steamroll. He argues that he was waiting for Tom to be quicker and lead the way. Tom says it's hard to lead the way when someone's talking over him. Dock Dad Downer says he's not into the whole brevity thing and can't help it. His call to arms:

Shoot Me In The Head If … I don’t come through for my children

This is too heavy for Tom, who compares the entry to morose cinema like The Pledge or The Brave. As a result, Dock Dad Downer gets his second GOMP for dragging down the show. Before being dismissed, he managed to tell listeners that feline AIDS is the primary killer of domestic cats.

A chat entry shows DDD how to maximize the fun:

Shoot Me In The Head If …I ever wear flip-flops

No Smoke:

Shoot Me In The Head If ... I watch American Idol

Since No Smoke is a notorious liar, Tom suspects that he probably loves the show. Tom wants to know why he lied to him, and No Smoke has told so many fibs that he wants to know which lie Tom is referring to. Tom tells him that he wasted his time and hurt his heart. No Smoke thought he was doing some good, but Tom compares him to a fireman who starts a fire and is the first on the scene to put it out. No Smokes is like the devil, mixing lies with the truth and then laughing a smoky laugh. Tom tells him that he's awful and can't even muster a GOMP.

[unidentified]

Shoot Me In The Head If ... I ever start liking NASCAR

August:

Wow. My prediction was wrong. Tom hooked him! Tom speculates that his entry will involve listening to the "The Hampster Dance", and August says that one of his THD-loving friends is downstairs. He would put him on, but his parents are listening to the radio and he thinks there will be a problem with the telephony mingling with background radio. Tom admires his knowledge and is amazed that a 12-year-old knows what so many older callers do not. Tom then does a bang-on recreation of the caller-host interaction when this bush-league move occurs.

Shoot Me In The Head If … I should ever commit suicide

Tom compares the entry to a Steven Wright joke and thinks it might be the most brilliant thing he’s ever heard. Keep calling, August.

[unidentified]

Shoot Me In The Head If … … I ever start blogging (holdonasecondthere…)

[unidentified]

Shoot Me In The Head If … the world forgets about Cannonball Run

Tom and the caller can’t imagine American culture if this cinematic flame was extinguished. Tom informs him that they are remaking the film with It Film Boy Andy Milonakis in the Burt Reynolds role. The caller thinks this is ridiculous casting and while Tom's a big supporter of Milonakis as the new Ferris Bueller, he agrees with him on this one.

Christopher in RI:

(Implores Tom to) Shoot Me In The Head If… I’m ever seen with a t-shirt tucked into shorts

Tom holds this entry up as an example of a pro call -- get in, hit it out of the park, get out.

Steven in Chicago:

Shoot Me In The Head If … I ever buy a pair of Tevas

Bowery Boy Huntz:

Shoot Me In The Head If ... I ever get caught saying, “You know, that Billy Joel really isn’t that bad.”

Tom gives him one thank, indicating a pretty good call.

[unidentified]

Shoot Me In The Head If … I ever call you again

Tom turns the gun on himself and gives zero thanks.

[unidentified]

Shoot Me In The Head If … I ever drive a minivan

Tom gives thanks.

????????????

Shoot Me In The Head If … I don’t always please my lover

Tom gives a thank and longs for the pep of Dock Dad Downer. One can now also get their pep with a Rockiato at the KISS coffeehouse!

Oscar:

Shoot Me In The Head If ... I ever turn into one of those pus buckets

This is the Day Of The Dead reference Oscar mentions later in the show.

[unidentifed]

Shoot Me In The Head If … I ever talk on one of those headsets on the cell phone (requests that the bullet go right through the earpiece)

Tom is in full agreement with the hideousness of the bluetooth ear clip things worn mainly by the cool, important business men who can't go into an Arby's men's room without yammering into the urinal wall and hammering out a deal. Tom gives many thanks for this entry.

[unidentifed]

Shoot Me In The Head If … I ever go to a Rockapella concert

Tom is impressed with the caller's wireless phone setup that emits just the right amount of reverb, converting his echo chamber/living room into a facsimile of the NJ 101.5 studio. To complete the effect, the caller performs an impromptu tagline: "Not New York, Not Philadelphia, Proud to be New Jersey!"

[unidentified]

Shoot Me In The Head If ... I ever have enough kids to need a minivan

This 21-year-old female collegian tells Tom that while she's studying anthropology, she's really just trying to earn the MRS degree and marry a rich man. She only wants one kid, but Tom thinks she'll end up with many more due to her attitude. She considers three or four kids too many, but Tom points out that DVP had no problem dealing with eight. Tom wishes her luck in finding a wealthy man and the resulting loveless marriage.

Cosmic Cowboy:

Shoot Me In The Head If ... I ever buy a lottery ticket

Tom's points out that all it takes is $1 and dream for a ticket out of the hellhole. The CC is happy in his trailer park and not tempted by the lure of riding a mechanical horse around town. Tom tells him that if he hits the lottery, he could apply wings to the entire trailer park and fly it around the clouds. The CC is now intrigued and plans to rush out to the 7-11 to buy scratch-off tickets. Tom spent $800 on the Superman scratch-off game and made back $61,000. Tom does a few lines from Star Wars that are lost on the CC. Tom says that if he won the lottery, he could buy SW and Lost on DVD. The CC prefers to use his money for the three-movie Netflix subscription.

[unidentifed]

Shoot Me In The Head If … I’m ever caught drinking a Lime Rickey

The caller prefers a nice cold sodey like Coke (Diet Coke if he’s feeling bloated) when it comes to non-alcoholic beverages. In the beer scene, he opts for Red Stripe, and if he's really letting loose, he'll indulge in a yuppie single-malt. Tom tells him the news that all beer is terrible except the Tall Bike Premium Scottish Brown Ale from Brooklyn. He’ll get some if the hipsters don’t kill him first.

Nick the Bard:

NtB tells Tom that he got his nickname by penning poems for Professor Dum Dum's Lab. He's GOMPed before he can even reveal his entry because TBS is an island -- you're either with Tom or against him. There's only room for one talk show from 8 to 11 on Tuesdays.

- Petey calls (starts at 1:34) just to check in with "Tom Bomb" since he has one of the good shows. He's also acting as the surrogate for a tired Faffer's game entry:

Shoot Me In The Head If … I’m photogenic

Tom thinks the extremely giggly Petey is high again, but Petey says he’s not that kind of person. Petey claims that Tom previously told him that he smoked pot in high school to fit in and did it in college because it helped him write better scripts. Tom denies it, but either way, Petey still loves him. Tom wonders if he smoked a joint prior to a call; Petey claims he doesn’t even know what a joint is.

Petey then tells Tom that he plans to take over the WFMU studios with some of his friends on 7/18/06, if he doesn’t mind. Tom says it will never happen. Petey thinks it will because his brother knows how to go on trains. Petey's gang will chill with him on the PATH train, stop off at Washington Square Park to score weed, eventually get off at JC, and find the WFMU studio. His crew -- Boring Dan, Annoying Ryan, and Brian -- will be dressed in black (Free the WFMU 3!), storm the studio, kick off whoever is doing the Listener Hour, and do their own show. It was Petey’s idea because he’s punk. Tom’s already mad at a show that would theoretically not happen for a month and won’t ever actually happen at all.

- Sam calls (starts at 1:39) to see if Tom can straighten out his friend Dan, an anti-Best Show, megalomaniacal NBC Studios intern. Sam met Tom earlier in the year at his birthday party and his mom made a cake for The Kid. Sam has tried to get Dan into the show, but he's brushed it off and has not explored the podcast or the archives. Sam told him that Tom would come after him if he continued to resist. Tom's baffled that someone thinks they are above him because they are throwing away half-eaten sandwichs at a place that also happens to make television. Tom thinks he's walking into a trap and reluctantly calls Dan, first getting his manservant. Dan picks up and Tom congratulates him on his exciting internship where he answers phones, researches Gabe Pressman's drink preferences, and gets yelled at by Maurice Dubois for failing to get mayo on his sandwich.

Dan starts riding his tall horse and Tom requests that he dial it down a notch since he's just doing charity work for GE. Dan points out that Tom is an employee of GE, but there's one big difference: Tom gets pizzaid. Tom's had enough and GOMPs both for taking the show off the rails. Tom recommends quibbling off the air in the future.

- Tristan calls (starts at 1:48) to cheer Tom up with a story after the Sam-Dan debacle. T-Rocks has been out of the Best Show game for a while, but hopes to get back into the mix with the most magical story of his past year of college. The magic happened while coming back from school on a Greyhound bus, the transporation of choice for college students. Tristan nodded off for a while, and as he woke up, he looked out the window. He saw the cab of a tractor-trailer moving perfectly in tune with the bus’s speed. Inside the cab was a man. In one hand, he’s holding the steering wheel. In his other hand, he had a dinosaur puppet (not a euphemism, an actual puppet). He’s looking right at Tristan and talking. Sometimes, he'll turn to the puppet, who will say something. He turns back to the bus and says a few more things. The dinosaur puppet responds and then waves at the bus. The driver then took the next exit.

Tom thinks it was probably a serial killer. Tristan freaked out the surrounding bus audience, frantically asking if anyone had seen it. They had not. Tom says the story is similar to the episode of The Twilight Zone where Leonard Nimoy William Shatner saw a Gremlin on the wing. Tristan agrees, although he thinks his story is less scary and more magical. I think this may have been one of the guys from Wonder Showzen filming something for the next season.

- Fred in Queens calls (starts at 1:51) to find out what kind of show he's listenting to with all the talk about hand puppets. (He's probably one of Spike's clients -- dude sure could use some dithipline). Tom asks him what he did that day and he responds with "nothing 420", a clever and sly drug reference. Fred somehow locked into the station and was pleased to hear Jim E. Hendrix and Ike and Tina Turner, but was then disappointed by all sorts of boring stuff. He wonders why on Earth anyone would subject themselves to the show when life has so many wonderful things to offer. Tom thinks it’s wonderful to not complain and tells him to go play Hendrix records. Fred becomes more aggro, telling Tom to "play some more music and shut up." This was a bad move by Fred, because as we've seen with the Tall Bike battles, Tom is not afraid of anyone. He promises to punch Fred in the face and knock his dirty pothead block off. Tom envisions a battle royale on the Triboro Bridge that will be similar in scope to the Spidey vs. Doc Ock rumbles.

- Fred's less capable dimwit buddy Adam from Goshen calls (starts at 1:55) because he thinks Tom's a cool dude and wants to talk to him so he can play it for the grandkids some day. He's so excited that he forgets Tom's name. Tom tells him it's Gene. The whole crew is carrying on in the background because somebody's parents are out enjoying the Goshen nightlife. They want to wage war against the show, and Tom wants to come to their town and smash one of their prized landmarks. Adam says the town is particularly proud of their 10 gas stations, the QuikStop convenience store, and the nation's first harness racing museum. Tom's very impressed by the museum, but realizes that Goshen has so little to offer that he won't even bother with the defacement.

Adam works as a manager at Burger King. His Dad was recently dishonorably dischaged by the Old US Navy for executing a Code Red in the khakis section, so now he's working with computers in some unknown capacity. Tom hates when the kids get out of school.

- Fred's back (starts at 2:00) to tell Tom that he was fascinated by the chat with the BK manager and wants to meet on the 59th Street bridge in one hour to settle the dispute. He then unmasks Tom as an artificial Howard Stern who employs deep sarcasm when he should be playing more music Ike & Tina, Hendrix, Coil, Black Sabbath, or Phillip Glass. Tom adds Throbbing Gristle and Nurse With Wound to the playlist. Captain Jack joins in (starts at 2:02) and becomes a kind of bizarro voice of reason amidst Fred's marijuana thinking. He offers Tristan and Bruce as the show's burly mastodons of masculinity and was blown out of the water when he found out that Tristan was considered a geek in high school. He also drops a nugget of wisdom from his dear old grandpappy: “Mermaids. You can’t live with ‘em and they can’t pee standing up.” He wants to hook up with Tom and Mike the Associate Producer next week so they can cruise around JC.

Fred's requests a Sex Pistols song, but can't recall the title so he directs Tom to play the good, trippy one. Tom's proud to be operating on a sober wavelength and not residing on Planet Fred. Fred's so high he can't even remember his own 420 drug reference, and Tom suspects the whole thing was a bit. It kinda sounded like Matt Walsh. Fred Bites Tom!

- Tom takes a stab in the dark (starts at 2:06) and predicts the next caller is a Goshen kiddie. He's right! (This was made easier by the fact that the Goshen kids were calling the wrong number all night.) The caller claims the show is crap, with Tom just hanging up on people and then bashing them for 20 minutes. Tom confirms this by hanging up on him in mid-speak.

- Oscar decides (starts at 2:09) to counter all the interesting people that had been calling by doing the opposite. He previously played the Shoot Me In The Head If ... game with a reference to George A. Romero's Day Of The Dead, featuring the lovable zombie Bub. Tom's not a fan of the film and is ready to say that Romero stinks for only making two good movies (Night and Dawn) in a directorial career that's spanned a half century.

Mike holds up a SNOOZE sign to prompt Tom to dump Oscar, who starts probing deeper questions like what Art is. Tom tells him to go meet Fred on the bridge, tell him he's Tom, and get a bottle smashed on his head.

Barbershop buzz band Chordiac Arrest, shortly before taking the stage with The Boredoms at the Pitchfork Intonation Festival in Chicago this past weekend.

- Zachary Brimstead, Esq. returns (starts at 2:11) to The Best Show for the first time in over five years to request "Gentlemen's Agreement" from Barbershop Sweat. Tom explains to listeners that he was a big barbershop quartet singer, and Zachary agrees with everything Tom said expect that he should have inserted "The Biggest". He also thinks Tom is trying to trick him in a past tense shenanigan game (ZB don't play that) and confirms that he is still very much active in the genre.

Tom doesn't have the Barbershop Sweat record, so Zachary requests some Chordiac Arrest, one of the new barbershop groups who are almost as good as the Dapper Dans. Tom's never heard of these groups since he's never been into the barbershop scene. He's also unfamiliar with Three Men and a Melody, so Zachary will take any barbershop that's carted up. Tom tells him that there is no barbershop in the cart, and Zachary thinks this is evidence that WFMU is a rinky-dink operation. Zachary can't believe Tom doesn't have a copy of the hugely successful Born To Barbershop record, featuring barbershop renditions of great rock songs.

He wants Tom to guess the lead-off track and, after getting his pitch pipe happening and doing a count-off, he sings a bit of "Born To Run" by the Jersey Devil himself. Tom thought he sounded like he was suffocating on “engines”, but Zachary explains that you tweak the final line in barbershop by rounding or stretching the o’s. It's up to the discretion of the individual barbershop artist and Zachary will sometimes do both. Zachary gets a little disco vibe going and wants Tom to keep time with him as he does "Miss You". Tom thinks it's fantastic and Zachary urges him to not be embarrassed to declare it the best version of the song ever done.

Zachary would sign an autograph for Tom over the phone if such a thing were physically possible. Tom’s not that into autographs, but he is into contemporary, happening rock. Barbershop Sweat packed it in due to creative friction over the direction of the band. The others guys wanted to stick with classic rock like REO Speedwagon, Bruce, and the Stones. Zachary was tired of singing those songs and wanted to push things forward with newer rock. He gives Tom a taste of the kind of tunes he's interested in covering. He does Death Cab's "Soul Meets Body", which Tom thinks is nice, but would be better with the other guys filling out the arrangement. Zachary assures Tom that he's the loudest in the mix.

Zachary asks Tom if he's heard of The New Pornographers and their lady vocalist named Necko Case. Tom tells him that it's pronounced Neeko, but Zachary thinks Tom needs to go to rock school. He does "Maybe Sparrow" from her new solo album, Foxfire Brings the Noise. Tom picks up on the extreme rounding of “warning”, the final word in the snippet. Tom thinks it sounded like "ward-on", and Zachary tells Tom to "open your ears, jackass." Tom apologizes, and Zachary informs him that "no apology could be too great, don’t sweat it." Tom sarcastically promises to make sure he's comforted by his apology. Zachary says that Tom will never comfort him. Instead, he will comfort Tom, but not in that way, of course.

Zachary needs Tom’s help. Bad. He wants to sing lead for Supernova, the new reality television band featuring Tommy Lee, Jason Newsted, and former GNR axeman Gilby Clarke. This is CBS's reconfig of Rock Star, which previously found a new singer for INXS, which Zachary pronounces as "inks". Tom tells him that it's "in excess", but Zachary disagrees. Anyhoo, Zachary wants to win that and wonders if Tom has any “ins”. Tom doesn't, but even if he did, Zachary would still have to compete. Zachary is confident that he would blow them away since he can sing tunes by all those bands. He proves it by dropping a bit of the Crue's "Dr. Feelgood" before moving on to a GNR Two for Tuesday. He does "Mr. Brownstone", featuring some nice stretching of the "o" sound in "alone". The second track was "One in a Million", an ill-advised selection from the Lies EP. Zachary manages to get out "immigrants and ..." before Tom cuts him off due to offensive lyrics. Zachary doesn't know where Tom's coming from, but moves on to Mr. Newsted's old band by giving a new shake to “Fight Fire With Fire”. Tom wasn't into the robotic feel of the rendition.

Zachary is confident that CBS will incorporate the great barbershop ideas he has for the live show setup, particulary a barbershop pole that shoots laser beans into the audience. Tom tells him that it's actually beams, but Zachary insists it's beans. Zachary says Tom can't talk to him like that and is about to get silenced by his level of fame. He ssumes that WFMU subscribes to all the big-time magazines, so he tells Tom to grab the new issue of Newsweek. Tom gets it and Zachary directs him to read it and weep. The cover on America's obesity epidemic features a picture of half of a guy wearing a tell-tale cumberbun and sweatpants. It's Zachary. He suspects that someone snapped the photo as he was exiting The Fudge Tub in Newbridge Commons next to where the Lady Foot Locker used to be. This eatery offers fudge, fudgey ice creams, fudge licorice, fudge pudding, fudge cookies, fudge brownies, and fudge fruit. Tom's baffled by the notion of fudge fruit, and Zachary explains that they inject the fruit with fudge so it’s gets a fudgey middle. He tells Tom that once you've tasted the fudge fruit, you can't go back to "dumb fruit", which is his term for fruit in its natural state. Zachary is proud of his girth, but Tom does not consider an unidentifiable obesity photo in Newsweek true fame. Zachary's retort: "Nigga please.”

Tom is horrified by the phrase, but Zachary thinks he's free to use it since it's a rap lyric used by 'Ol Dirty Bastard. Zachary raps all the time and throws down some old-school science in the form of the Barenaked Ladies' "One Week":

Chickity china the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin X-Files with no lights on, were dans la maison
I hope The Smoking Man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I‘m getting frantic
Like Sting, I'm tantric
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy

Tom's not impressed by the rap, and Zachary says he can't help it if Tom's not down. Tom questions the coolness of the Barenaked Ladies, which leads Zachary to hit three octaves (sounding a bit like a Tarzan yell) while inquiring about what Tom is talking about. (This is the first three-octave "what" ever dropped on Tom's bottom. Bryce recently hit two octaves.) Tom can’t talk to him like that because he owns a vintage ’68 Mercedes Benz. When he gets it running, he will run Tom over. It currently has no wheels. Or a roof. Or an engine. Or paint. His brother refers to the vehicle as a "planter" because there are weeds in it, around it, and through it.

While running over Tom’s head, Zachary will sing the greatest song ever written -- "Porcupine Pie". He gives Tom a preview of what his head crushing will sound like by singing a bit of the tune. Tom tells him it's the worst song of all-time, but Zachary insists it's the best. Tom's still upset about his toilet mouth, but Zachary wants Tom to be his Doc McGhee and manage him. He’ll be Scott Ian or Evan Seinfeld, proving that he loves the mash of metal and reality music television. He’s gonna off Tom if he can’t get him on Supernova. The planter will be ready by ’09, so he tells Tom to hold still and catch a groove for three years until it all goes down. He leaves Tom with a bit more "Porcupine Pie" before hanging up.

THE FINAL 10 MINUTES:

It was somewhat of a hard night for El Goodo -- he barely made the show last week, and this week he had even more hanging over his head. He looked at himself in the mirror, presumably wearing his crown, and debated about doing the show. He thought he earned a week off to rest his weary bones and heal since he hasn't missed a show since 3/21. Before that: 11/15/05. He decided that despite being run down, despite the personal business, he was going in and bringing it. He's not soft-serve and he's not looking for a trophy, garland, ribbon, wreath, or a medal. But then Dads vs. Grads went off the rails, sad, lonely children from Goshen started bugging him, and a filthy Queens drug addict compared him to a bad Howard Stern.

- Taylor from Middletown calls (starts at 2:50), congested with a summertime cold. He's aware of Goshen and requests "Roxanne" by The Police. He also tells Tom that it's impossible to eat six saltines in a minute in case Tom's looking for something to do. Tom has "Roxanne" cued up and wants Taylor to do the intro, but then he drops the bomb: “I’m from Goshen.” Goshen wins. Good Guys lost. Mr. T calls to seal the victory.

Is The Best Show done for the year?

Not even County Mounty can save the day as it’s aborted midway through. But fear not: the SOTs have the bad guys in the crosshairs.

Hopefully the kids from Goshen taped the show so 2,200 years from now when the world has ended, the aliens can shimmy their way through the underwater wreckage to find a gaggle of little robot boys listening to their unfunny great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfathers getting GOMPed many times over.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:: Tom declares August the next Mitch Hedberg after he delivers a killer 30-minute set of absurdist comedy, an FDA spokesman declares Tall Bike Premium Scottish Brown Ale unfit for human consumption and links Purple Shirt to KernCo's food division, and the theme songs are seamlessly transitioned, allowing the show to finally achieve true perfection.

Posted by Omar at 9:01 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by DOP at 8:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

David Thompson has just replaced Darrell Bluet as my new favorite guy ever.

Posted by x amount at 1:40 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 12:40 PM | Permalink | Comments

June 24th 2006, Skynet becomes self-awayahh.

“The result is machines that evolve and develop by themselves without human intervention,” said Stefano Nolfi, the coordinator the ECAgents project."

Posted by DWC at 10:42 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 4:28 PM | Permalink | Comments

Victorioso!

[I know I'm late on this virus, but it's a bit more relevant now.]

Posted by x amount at 9:24 AM | Permalink | Comments

But her bathroom mirror sounds HOTT.

Posted by x amount at 2:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Or just smart?

Posted by x amount at 12:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

I kinda wanted to join the deafening chorus at the end of 2005 and offer up my own top ten music list thingy. But then Dr. Red Duke went and skewered the entire notion. Fine. I'll just do a mid-year thing. If you release music after this post and before 2007 kicks off, you're screwed.

5. Ghostface Killa - Fishscale
Here's the sell: I only took like 3 or 4 tracks out of rotation. The rest got 3 or more stars. For a 20+ track rap record, that's pretty amazing.

4. Juiceboxxx - R U There God?? Itz Me Juiceboxxx
Did this come out in '06? I don't know. It did for me, at least.

That "Do You Want 2 Hear It?" track is still such a MONSTER JAM. Attempt to play it in a sealed-up car and you will look like a bouncing idiot.

3. Half-Handed Cloud - Halos & Lassos
As excited as I was when it came out, I didn't really talk this one up. It kinda seemed a bit too me-only. Last year's release had enough sonic variety to trick people into thinking it was more than just a melodic blitz of catchiness. This one leans so heavily on the delightful (to me at least!) Omnichord that it ends up being a harder sell. Halos & Lassos is ultimately just as catchy and just as chock-full of insanely wonderful melodies as any previous Ringhofer release -- you just gotta either be in nostalgic love with the sound of the Omnichord, or be prepared to give the record the three listens required to allow the mental subtraction of the instrument.

Oh, and I totally dig the one-release-a-year thing that Half-Handed Cloud has going on. In fact, I'd be willing to effectively pay more per track for my favorite artists if they'd put out shorter albums every year instead of longer ones every two.

Half-Handed Cloud - "Rise to the Heavens on Evaporation"
Half-Handed Cloud - "Rainbow = Warbow"

2. T.I. - King
Ultimately, this record is main reason I'm doing this mid-year thing. When Breihan put it in his first quarter list, I noticed but didn't bother tracking it down for a month or so. Then I wanted to post about it, but was too busy listening and never got around to it. ERROR CORRECTION time.

"Get It" kicks off with some P.E.-grade siren action, a referee whistle, and a high-school band horn section. And that's all before the shuffle-y, bass-heavy track even starts. Come on. That's enough right?

T.I. - "Get It"

1. Regina Spektor - Begin to Hope
I love this record as much as Omar has commented in the very thread that introduced me to it. Get in there and get started if you haven't already.

( All of the above can be found in various online stores and whatnot. Click there. )

Posted by x amount at 10:54 AM | Permalink | Comments

You may have already snagged much of this Chocolate Swim EP from other sources already, but it pretty much blows away that disappointing Danger Doom freebie. Obviously you'll want to snag the Edan remix, but also grab that Lady SOV and "Wylin' Out" remix if you don't already have it. Also: skip the full album download thingy. It plops a single useless file into your downloads folder and causes you to have to go back and right clickety right click each track after all.

Posted by x amount at 3:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

It's a good thing they end up sticking him in the cloudy crystal cathedral -- cause even after all their painstaking attempts at escaping the uncanny valley, Bizarro Brando still comes across like a fake-y Jurassic Park monkey.

Posted by x amount at 2:41 PM | Permalink | Comments

Public Enemy has never been against animals.

Posted by x amount at 1:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

...what we take for mother-love is really murderous hatred and a desire for revenge.

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 11:52 AM | Permalink | Comments

Warren Ellis (Nextwave, Desolation Jones, Planetary -- in order of my favorite ongoing stuff from him) on his first TV writing experience and the economy and precision of West Wing and Arrested Development scripts.

Posted by x amount at 10:51 AM | Permalink | Comments

"You don’t know how hard I push." -- Tom, BRINGING IT every week even when faced with the 6:00 p.m. Tuesday blues

"Not everybody can say they helped Bryce with his tires." -- Bryce on the honor of providing him with roadside assistance

"I’m about to do what you should be doing now." -- Bryce, before taking a hit from his color-coded bong

"Play it, Captain Trip!" -- Bryce, grooving to "New Minglewood Blues"

"I hate you and I’m gonna kill you. We all are." -- Bryce, threatening Tom with death by cub scouts

"It hurts my ears." -- Austin on why he dislikes all music

"I’m looking forward to a great night of sound." -- Dan from The Plarns, shortly before giving the soundman $50 to secure better seating at an SF club

"I wanna call in also!" -- Anton, inspired by his brother August's call to a radio show

“I’m just being a wise, you know, 18-year-old, here.” -- Suburban Yoda

"SHUT UP! I’m trying to eat something!" -- A fourth-grade Petey, yelling at his third-grade tormentors

"Oh, Mrs. Wiggins, come in here ..." -- Jeff Conaway on The Carol Burnett Show

"Chucky’s good for business. Chucky’s good for society." -- Spike on the cultural import of the possessed doll from Child's Play

"Trust me, I know my television." -- Spike, convinced he knows who was on The Carol Burnett Show

“This is Philadelphia, Culture Capital of the World. Speak Philadelphian or Die!” -- Text for a Ziegler-funded billboard

“Well, let’s just say that sometimes it snows down in the basement.” -- Philly Boy Roy, informing Tom about the blizzards and other weird weather patterns at his illegal speakeasy

“That guy’s a whole lotta not attractive.” -- Tom on his old-timey radio enemy Garrison Keillor

[TBSOWFMU - 6/13/06 / Podmirth**CRITICAL CONDITION** / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

**After showing signs of life, the podcast is in a sickening freefall. Consult your pastor, rabbi, or, in my case, a Scientology Field Minister to keep it going. Since I'm an idea man like Donny "Turbo" Deutsch, I heavily promoted the Best Show podcast on my recent trip to Italy, and this should yield an influx of subscribers. I met some resistance along the Amalfi coastline, so I ended up pushing 57 people into a 500-degree, wood-fired pizza oven. I kinda felt a little bad about incinerating a family of four on holiday from London, but they were extremely belligerent ("What's the bloody Best Show?", "Bollocks to Tom Scharpling", "Is Ricky Gervais on it?", etc.). After that, people were a lot more sympathetic to the cause. Whatever it takes. While at my kiosk in the Piazza Navona in Rome, I managed to rile some Italians into a robust "Good Guys Win in 2006" chant, although I think they were under the impression that it was in support of the Italian football squad, which was playing their first World Cup match against Ghana at the time. The Carabinieri eventually ordered me to leave after I punched a mime who invaded my turf. I called the officers "soft-serve", but luckily for me, they interpreted it not as an insult, but a request for a stop at a gelateria. They recommended a great one just off the square.

The Groundhogs - "Rich Man, Poor Man"

( Click here to buy The Best of the Groundhogs)

Ladyhawk - "Drunk Eyes"

( Click here to buy Ladyhawk)

Dinosaur Jr - "Hot Burrito #2" (Flying Burrito Brothers cover ft. Matt Dillon on backing vocals)

( Click here to buy the Green Mind reissue)

Hey! You Heart Rachel Flotard!

Visqueen - "Vaxxine" (from King Me)
Visqueen - "Omaha" (from King Me)
Visqueen - "A Viewing" (from Sunset On Dateland)

( Click here to buy Visqueen recordings)

Annotated highlights of The Kid grinding out six half-hour segments of live entertainment, broadcast from the Radio Hut Theater in cozy Lake Newbegone, where the women are strong, the men are delusional, and Bryce is always high as a kite.

Tom announced that he wasn't doing so hot, stricken with some personal issues a couple of hours before funtime, giving him no leeway to secure a replacement or rejuvenate via the reheating time that would be available if things had fallen apart on a Sunday evening or Monday morning. Freeform mirth, music, and mayhem doesn't allow for taking an impromptu sick day, so Tom pushed on, riding out the three-hour extravagonza. This, of course, was great news for loyal listeners who were spared what would have likely been a bottom-shelf, last-minute substitute -- Dr. Stoopid's Laboratory, three hours of Bubba Bohacks' Wisecracks, or, even worse, episodes of Lucky Louie.

Tom gave a heads up to Melle Mel (who was presumably listening to the show in his Tom-funded Hawaiian beachside bungalow) to prepare a classic Best Show for the podcast slot and was tempted to fill half of the show's running time with Miles Davis's Pangaea. Not every show can be Hall of Fame material, so Tom wanted some help from from the listeners. Amazingly, some FOT chatters started taking some daring shots at The Kid. Pigasus led with a jab accusing Tom of being soft-serve. The punch was wildly inaccurate since Tom is actually a break-your-teeth frozen Snickers bar. Tom fired back, highlighting his committment to the show and the fact that he shows up even when faced with adversity. If Pigasus has a bad day at Lowe’s, he can just call Belty to tell him he doesn't feel like driving the forklift up and down the aisles to take patio sets down from the rafters. El Goodo has no such luxury.

Grrrr tells Tom to "suck it up" and recommends that he quit his job at Consolidated Cardboard. Tom says that Grrrrrrrrr has no idea how hard he pushes and wonders about the quality level in Grrrrrr's life. He speculates that a good day for Grrrrr would include getting a pat on the back from the night manager at Wendy's after a particularly pretty batch of trans-fat-free fries. Tom tells the haterz to go watch TV Land if they don't like this installment of The Best Show because he will not be doing any tap dances for them. Tom's a hero to the disenfranchised, not some kind of court jester acting on the whim of fickle, self-appointed royalty.

All of the downplayed expectations turned out to be a false alarm. By show's end, Mike the Associate Producer correctly upgraded his predicted rating of 4/10 to a solid 8/10. This one counts!

- Bryce calls (starts at 32:59) to offer some tips since it hurts him to hear Tom in a down mood. He also says that he never liked that dude Grrrrrr, although he did once help Bryce with a flat tire. Bryce seized the opportunity to take a Dick's Picks tape from Grrr's glove compartment, as well as some cash. He viewed it as a tip for the honor of Grrrr helping the man with the largest collection (732 by last count) of GD tye-dyes in the Garden State with a tire change. Tom's interested in what Grrr looks like and Bryce confirms that he looks like the lumpfaced Rocky Dennis, Eric Stoltz's character from Mask. There was also discussion of Sam Elliot's work in the film as Gar, and Bryce does a very solid impression of Elliot's gruff-voiced, pro-beef radio advertisements.

Bryce thinks the way Grrr looks is "sick" and hints that it served as further inspiration to heist the goods from his vehicle. Tom thinks this sounds like he's punishing Grrrr for his unattractiveness, but Bryce disputes it because he's also not that atttactive. He wants Tom to guess what he looks like, and Tom correctly cites long hair that's thin on top. Bryce then reveals a bit of a shocker: full Amish beard. Tom didn't peg him for this facial hair, and it definitely clashes with my mental Bryce image, which has always been Guidance Counselor Jeffrey Rosso.

At this point Bryce pauses to do what he thinks Tom should be doing -- taking a monster hit with an extended holding period. Bryce exhales and directs Tom to proceed with the conversation. The guessing game shifts to footwear, which is a no-brainer, so the real question is how many months during the year Bryce sports his sandals. Despite the Newbridge winters, Tom predicts that his dedication allows him to wear sandals 10 months out of the year. Incorrect! Bryce's goes a full 12, aided by socks purchased at The Hempery, which is behind where the Lady Foot Locker used to be at Newbridge Commons. This is the sparse, older section of the mall, and Bryce asks Tom to guess what else he buys in that section. Due to the lilt in Bryce's voice, Tom guesses that he also buys weed there. Bryce will not confirm this on the record ("You said it, I didn't"), but Tom is undoubtedly correct.

Dr. Bryce then offers a prescription for Tom, suggesting he drop everything and follow it.

1. Take out your beast (weed pipe).
2. Fill it.

Tom's unable to act on the directive because he lacks both a pipe and the proper filling. This is the saddest thing Bryce has ever heard, even sadder than the canine weepy, Sounder. Bryce thinks that Tom might next reveal that he does not own Grateful Dead Live at Barton Hall, Cornell University on 5/8/77. Tom, in fact, does not have it, but it prompts him to ask Mike the Associate Producer to pull some Dead. Bryce wants Tom to ask Mike what song he thinks would serve as a better pick-me-up: "New Minglewood Blues" or "New New Minglewood Blues". Tom wonders why the sequel was not just called "Newer Minglewood Blues", but Bryce says that not how Bobby & Co. do it.

Bryce is also sad about the recent death of former Dead keyboardist Vince Welnick, the fourth victim of what Bryce believes is a cursed slot in the band. If it's a true curse, Bryce thinks Bruce Hornsby should be concerned. Mike returns with the stash (of records) and Bryce nixes any studio recordings, even advising against the highly-regarded American Beauty. He thinks it lacks vibe and the timing had yet to kick in. Tom has Steal Your Face, Europe '72, and eventually piques Bryce's interest with Fillmore East: April 1971, particularly the second set. He wants Tom to play all four sides, and Tom gives it a try to see if he can finally makes some sense of the band's appeal. Bryce thinks it would make more sense if Tom also did something else and tells Tom to get some from Mike. Unfortunately, Mike exhaused the last of his supply during his standard pre-show tokefest.

Tom spins "New Minglewood Blues", which reminds Bryce of The Band, and moves on to the classic "Wharf Rat". Bryce can see the music and advises that Tom endure the first six minutes to hear Billy kick in. Tom's not interested, and Doctor Bryce says he can't help Tom if he lacks the proper patience. At this point, Bryce begins dancing. Tom's still seated and proposes "Truckin'", which Bryce accepts even though it's not a deep cut. Bryce thought that Tom would be thanking the do-dah man, but Tom thinks the tempo is plodding. Bryce, who continues singing the tune after Tom cuts it off, thinks it sounds perfectly fast and believes the real issue is Tom's skewed mindset.

Next up is the theoretically more agreeable cover of "Good Lovin", the "heaviest" The Young Rascals track per Bryce. Since this live version doesn't kick in for four minutes, Tom starts fast-forwarding, and Bryce wants him to turn it off before he forever ruins the song for him. Bryce then delivers a quick cover of the song with the following lyrics: "Tom asked Doctor Bryce just what he had. And Doctor Bryce said, 'Hey Hey Hey, you gotta hit the ba ah bong', and you'll feel ... real good."

Tom goes back to 1966 for “Cream Puff War”, which is too much for Bryce, who thinks it sounds like heavy metal. Tom thinks it's a bad version of Love. Bryce has not heard of the band and briefly nods off. He wakes up to give shout-outs to his crew: Rodney, Todd, Ed, Bill, Jake, Rodney (x2), Brian, Lee, Ron (x3). While the names can be confusing, Bryce is able to distinguish his friends using color-coded bongs when partaking in their clubhouse in the woods behind the Lady Foot Locker. Bryce recommends that Tom and Mike install a similar system to avoid bong confusion in the studio.

Though Bryce says he feels young, Tom is surprised that a man of his age has no problem sneaking into the woods to smoke pot with other grown men. Bryce says he's just taking his cues from the cavemen, whose paintings suggest daily pot use. Bryce asssumed that an image of dudes around a fire depicted weed smoking, but Tom suggests it could have just been fire. Bryce thinks talking to Tom is like talking to a brick wall. Plus, his crew is actually not grown men -- it's his cub scout troop. Tom's appalled, but Bryce is not sure why Tom is making it sound like it's bad because the kids seem to like it. Bryce starts getting paranoid and wonders if Tom would have had a different reaction to a boy scount troop. Tom said it would still be wrong and, in this case, also a lie. Bryce is now super-paranoid and begs Tom not to alert Officer Harrups.

Bryce gives the backstory on how he achieved the rank of troop leader. In the throes of the munchies, Bryce wandered near a troop meeting because they had free snacks. It was the first meeting, and the real troop leader was a no-show. The only way for Bryce to get in was to bill himself as their leader. He told them that his uniform was in the wash and he's since stolen one to wear to the meetings. Tom wants to know if all of the cub scouts have their own bongs and Bryce says they don't -- one scout lost his. Bryce made the bongs for them as they watched so they could learn the craft and make subsequent bongs on their own. Bryce now thinks he sees Officer Harrups in his room. Tom tells him to try to touch him and Bryce reaches out to feel what he believes is the flesh of Harrups. Bryce tells Tom that he hates him and that he's going to lead his pack of cub scouts in an effort to kill him. A fitting end to a call intended to cheer Tom up.

The Young Rascals - "Good Lovin'"

- August, a 7th-grade milquetoast, calls (starts 1:00) with a few questions. He mainly wants to know how Tom managed to have the 4-disc Fillmore East set at the ready for Bryce. Tom tells him that Mike pulled it from the WFMU library and suspects that August thought he caught him in some kind of shenanigans, though I can't imagine what August had in mind. Woghartian spells? Summoning of Viking spirits? Ricky Jay-grade sleight-of-hand? August changes his mind about the quantity of questions and seems ready to end the call, but Tom has a few questions of his own.

Tom asks him if he likes school, and he offers a wishy-washy "depends". He does say that he's wedgie-free and does not get picked on like Petey. August wants to know if Tom got picked on, but we know that Tom was known as "The King" in school and he did the picking. Time is running out on August's summer camp planning, but he hopes to secure a spot in a local sports camp. His sports of choice are tennis, baseball, and soccer, and he's sort of been following the World Cup. He's rooting for whatever team wins, which fits into his overall philosophy on having solid opinions. He thinks that they come back to haunt you with your peers if you eventually change your mind. Tom tells August that he has a right to change his mind and should look into something called "convictions". Augusts laments that shifting opinions can get a bit ugly with his circle of friends. Tom attempts a role play inquiring about August's take on the USA vs. Czech Republic World Cup match. August says he thought the American squad looked horrible, and Tom reveals that he was rooting for the Czechs. August, predictably, has no opinion on Tom's pro-Czech zeal.

August begins to show some backbone when the discussion moves to the diamond. He likes the Red Sox and the Mets, standing strong against friends who favor the Yankees. This pleases Tom who was beginning to think that August was just a willow being blown hither and thither by the wind. August doesn't like any music because it hurts his ears and his friends are currently jamming to "The Hampster Dance". August says he might like music at some point, and I think he needs to borrow Mack's Encyclopedia of Heavy Metal for some education. A few weeks with that book and he'll be calling she show extolling the virtues of Matthias Jabs and Herman Rarebell. Speaking of Mack, where has this guy been? Too busy practicing his drums and becoming the next Neil Peart? Come back, Mack.

At this point, August delivers a phlegmy cough and gives Tom a cold over the radio. August is not sure it’s possible to transmit germs via telephony, but I did the research and it is. A budding cinephile, August likes the Lord of the Rings trilogy and horror, though he's only seen two: Cursed and Hide and Seek. He wants to see The Omen, and if he does, he will not scream. I get the sense that August is incapable of emitting loud sounds even if legitimately frightened. Tom tells him that he likes him and that he’s a good guy, which leaves August speechless. He says that he discovered the station because his parents listen to WFMU exclusively and like the entire roster of shows. Tom tells him to keep on being himself, and August vows to take the advice to heart. Tom wants him to check in with The Best Show from time to time, but I think the chances of August calling back are fairly slim.

- Dan in SF calls (starts at 1:12) to cheer Tom up and chat about the Danielson show he previously promoted. He talked to Daniel Smith, who had heard him plug them on The Best Show, and also chatted up Rachel Smith. He then regales Tom with some shockingly risqué comments about dear Rachel. Tom forces him to apologize for unleashing such filth talk about a nice married lady.

In his old age, Dan's getting tired of packed shows with jerks constantly muscling their way past him, but since he's new in town, he lacks the proper juice to get a spot near the soundboard. Tom's advice is simple: start throwing money all around San Francisco. Tom recommends starting with the doorman, saying “One for Danielson, please" and dropping a $20 for a $10 ticket. Then, you tell the soundman that you're looking forward to a great night of sound and drop a $50. With the two men paid off, an invite to the soundboard area is inevitable. Dan and Tom agree that SF is a good place to throw money around since everyone is hurting for it after the Internet bust-up. The soundman was a millionaire on paper a few years ago, but is now supplementing his income by delivering pizzas.

Dan also has a story about a bizarre encounter over the Memorial Day weekend. His girlfriend was talking to some guys about music, and they said they had just won a song contest. What song contest, you ask? It was the Best Show theme contest! Who were these guys? Yep, the Themeweavers. This led to robust conversation about WFMU and The Best Show. Dan was surprised to find so many WFMU fans in SF, but Tom’s tells him that people are hungry for the good stuff and they will find it wherever they are.

- Anton calls (starts at 1:18) to get a taste of radio fame just like his brother August. Anton's a nine-year-old third-grader, and while August was sotto voce, Anton displayed the vocals stylings of a member of the Lollipop Guild with a dash of crazed Muppet. Asked the same school question by Tom, Anton is very clear: he hates it and is glad that there is only "two more stinkin' no good rotten days" of it left. Anton doesn’t watch the news because it’s too scary, so he missed the GWB announcement that school is extended to July 13th. Needless to say, Anton's not pleased and begins yelling. Tom starts getting a headache and tells him that he sounds to Tom like music sounds to his brother.

Unlike his brother, Anton loves music, such as Green Day. He also likes "The Hampster Dance", but does not know the words so he can’t perform it on the air. (I was really looking forward to his rendition.) He’s also unfamiliar with The GOMP Dance and, after some hesitation, Tom GOMPs him. That's right, Tom hung up on a nine-year-old -- hardly the act of someone who is soft-serve. Anton was holding the phone too close to his mouth and he had to go. In the course of demonstrating the offending loud talking, Tom makes out with the entirety of the Tuesday WFMU lineup by kissing the windscreen. Luckily, the Tuesday lineup is attractive unlike the Wednesday Rocky Dennis brigade.

- Chat room tough guy Grrrrrrr from Halifax Nova Scotia Canada checks in (starts at 1:22) per Tom's request to defend himself against charges of lumpfacedness. Tom's sorry that he's calling from Halifax and offers to have Anton sing the song of the same name by The Hampton Grease Band.

Grrrrrrr says he's not really a tough guy and was under the false impression that Tom's woes were related to his job. In fact, it was general life issues. Consolidated Cardboard is going fine, so I assume this means that Tom was able to straighten things out with Old Man Dalrymple after Darren resigned on his behalf. Tom wants Grrrr to describe himself and after some wavering, he declares that he's "just a guy, just Grrr," which is short for Gerald, though he is known in Canada as "Gerkface". Tom is not even convinced that Nova Scotia is part of Canada. He thought it was part of Newfoundland or something else, but the Canadan provinces are not really a priority for Tom. Tom's priority is America. Tom did enjoy a trip to Toronto where he walked Yonge Street from end to end three times. Grrr thinks Tom is a "fillthy liar", but that's because he's not used to the American get-go. Grrr doesn't want to believe that such a feat is possible, but is unable to provide the street's length in miles, preferring the less specific "more than you can walk." Tom calls him a Canadian Anton and GOMPS him for besmirching the good people in Canada.

- A caller wonders (starts at 1:27) if Tom is familiar with Seaside Heights, N.J. Tom's been there, so he has a follow-up: Is it not the dirtiest place in America? Due to his phrasing, Tom thinks he may be talking to Yoda. The caller explains that he's just being "a wise, you know, 18-year-old, here." Tom tells him that inserting the phrase "you know" into the middle of a declaration of wisdom is probably not the hottest move.

The caller claims to have an intelligent story about his prom weekend, but Tom will be a judge of that. With little promise of intelligence, the tale began with his crew from Goshen, NY., drinking and breaking the law in a Seaside Heights hotel room. Tom GOMPs him for toilet talk, but my guess is that the rest of it involved more drinking, carrying on and, you know, all the usual wild Goshen hijinks. Bottom line: New Jersey is classy; upstate NY is not.

- Corey from Toledo calls (starts 1:29) to report that it's warm outside and launch an attack on New Jersey, calling it "pretty nasty". Tom points Corey to the recent Rolling Stone cover story about how Ohio handed over the 2004 election to GWB as one example of Ohio's inferiority. Corey thinks that because he was not 18 at the time, he's not responsible, but Tom believes that as a resident of the state, he has to share some of the blame. Corey intends to do something about it by leaving Ohio for Switzerland, where he can really make an impact on the American political structure. Corey disputes NJ's nickname as the Garden State, citing two amusement parks featuring flowers amidst vast wastelands and power plants. Tom suggests some research that extends beyond the opening credits of The Sopranos. Corey doesn't watch the show because it's "too bloated", and he doesn't even attempt to defend Ohio-based television fare like W.K.R.P. in Cincinnatti. Tom then provides a list of the good things in Ohio: Robert Pollard, Dave Chappelle, Wally Bryson, Scat Records, Sparkiepop’s mom, Ron House (sp?), and Mike "Rep" Hummel. Corey adds Cleveland to the list and then lapses into foul mouth, so he's quickly dismissed for the horrid representation of his state.

- Petey calls (starts at 1:33) as his freshmen year of high school is nearly in the books aside from some lingering finals. Tom tells him that he can now look forward to the thrill of being picked on by freshmen. Petey thinks this will probably happen and asks Tom to stop making fun of him so he does not become depressed. Tom thinks that getting picked on by a freshmen indicates a problem, but Petey has previous experience with underclass taunting. As a 4th-grader, he was picked on by 3rd-graders at lunch. They'd chant his name and push on his seat, but he'd ultimately take care of it with a high-pitched, Anton-ish verbal rebuke. After hearing it, Tom is baffled that anyone would pick on him.

Petey explains that he was kinda normal back in the third grade -- a "chiller" who did all of his homework. Over that summer, he dropped 25 pounds, which alleviated some of the mockery. Petey has continued his fitness training and can do 100 sit-ups and 50 push-ups (non-knee, non-knuckle). While impressive, he can no longer achieve the Presidential Fitness Award since the program is not active in his high school. Tom and Petey discuss the dreaded 110-foot rope climb with a suspect two-inch mat serving as fall protection. Petey climbed it in elementary school and was informed by his brother that if he fell off, he'd die. Petey could never manage any Tarzan rope swings on Fun Day.

Petey played a bit of dodgeball this past year, and Tom recalled a variant he played called "Soft Dodgeball". In this game, a player had a bat and a softball and would hit the ball at shirtless victims whose goal was to catch it. Sounds less like schoolyard fun and more like a proto-Jackass stunt. Not surprisingly, Tom also beat up kids in the locker room. Petey is skeptical that the tiny high school Tom could dole out punishment, but Tom was very wily. In one of his greatest feats, he took out a college sophomore who visited the locker room to assure its residents that his younger brother, a senior, was the boss. Tom rejected the declaration of authority and punched the senior in the windpipe. Tom then fought the college boy in the shower, spraying Lysol into his eyes. Petey thinks that was a wussy move akin to a sucker punch, but Tom says all the rules are off when you move up in class and battle a collegian. Blind and screaming from the eyefull of disinfectant, Tom turned on the shower and started whipping him with a wet towel. After he fell to the ground, Tom started using his fists to properly finish him off.

- A blast from the past calls (starts at 1:42) to talk to Petey and then we hear the line we haven't heard since the first week of the WFMU Marathon: "Heeeeelllllooooo, Tom." It's Spike. He's back. Petey is not entirely sure who it is and wonders if it's Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Be-Bop. Petey thinks he's annoying, but Spike says he's never annoying. Spike apologizes for being unable to come down to the station and co-host a show, saying he had somebody in the dungeon as did not want to leave them alone. Petey realizes that it's the guy who did the Debbiededomadiwachix calls. Spike corrects his pronounciation and Petey calls for a GOMP. The GOMP occurs, but it's Petey who is gone, and this causes Spike to cackle with delight. Tom says Spike's laugh is the creepiest thing he's ever heard and would even outcreep Tom receiving a CD with a recording of his own death on it.

Mike asked Spike if he had been sick, but he's just been too busy with the dungeon and his daily life. Tom doesn't believe that he's calling from an actual dungeon, suggesting that the term is just his landlord's lingo for the apartment. Spike insists it's a true dungeon that he owns as a time-share with "Good Old Debbie". Tom tells Spike that he'll be debuting the new Jennifer Lopez record, and this sets Spike off on a rant about how Jenny from the Bedroom and her husband ruined the Puerto Rican Day Parade. Spike heard about this second-hand since he doesn't do parades, he just cleans up after them. Tom says that Lopez did not ruin Out Of Sight, but Spike hasn't seen it and refuses to discuss the work of Steven Soderbergh, since he favors blood-and-guts cinema like Child's Play IX: Stem Cells of Chucky. Spike is a great admirer of Chucky because he's a societal role model who takes care of business and disposes of his enemies like every good American should. Tom thinks Chucky is a bully who picks fights. Spike favors the classic, first two Child's Play films, and he's not a big fan of the campier, Tilly-infused Bride and Seed entries.

Spike's also unenthused by the prospects of a Halloween remake (actually more of a new beginning being made by Rob Zombie), and Tom tells him that there will be two guys named Michael Myers who show up on Halloween and battle over the turf. One will be played by Ashton Kutcher, who Spike thinks is not scary enough, and the other will be played by Andy Milonakis, whose film career is really taking off after recently landing the role of Ferris Bueller in that remake. Spike wonders if Milonakis will get hacked and chopped. This film will be more of a PG comedy, which Tom thinks is a pretty cool idea. Spike will watch it as long as there are lots of blood and guts -- if there are no decapitations or gushing livers, he'll skip it. Kanye West will re-do the classic Carpenter theme.

Tom wonders if Spike's head would explode if there was ever a cinematic mash-up of doo-wop and horror. Spike is very interested in a film featuring the Del Vikings going on a killing spree and proposes a pretty good title: Will You Chop Me Up Tomorrow? If the domination racket dries up, Spike might be able to land work as Trent L. Strauss's title writer. Some chatters offered some other titles that Spike enjoyed, such as I Only Stab Eyes For You and Why Must I Be A Teenager In Blood. Spike is still not much of a theatrical filmgoer, skipping The Da Vinci Code since everyone he knows hated it. Other than The Sting and Tootsie, his most recent trip to the theater was a reluctant viewing of the 50 Cent vehicle, Get Rich or Die Tryin'. A friend convinced him to go and Spike got to feel what it was like to pay $10.50 to be a prisoner trapped in a dark dungeon. Spike is also a snack sneaker and managed to bring a full, fast food meal and a jar of mayonnaise into the theater.

Spike admits to needing his Best Show fix, much like he craves his beloved soap operas like As The World Turns and The Young and the Restless. Spike tells Tom that soaps are the domain of "real men" and recommends that Tom start recording them during the day so he can get into the stories. Tom is currently pricing VCRs at Radio Hut and will pull the trigger by year's end. He's debating about getting the service plan, and Spike says he can skip it. Tom asks Spike if Betamax might be better, but Spike tells him to stick with the video cassette recorder. Spike plans to purchase a DVD recorder so he can save his stories digitally. Spike, who reveals that he's currently watching Judge Judy on channel 55, thinks Tom might enjoy TYatR's sinister, rogue tycoon Victor Newman, who knows how to mop the floor with his enemies a la Chucky. Spike’s least favorite character is Christine "Cricke" Blair Romalotti Williams, a friend of Victor who he calls a "twit". Spike rejects her goody-two-shoesness, which makes him want to hurl his orange crate against the wall. Tom theorizes that if one was diabetic, her saccharine qualities would send you into shock. Spike agrees. Tom is on board with trying the show and will get the VCR so he and Spike can become soap opera buddies. Spike confirms that Tom will also need a blank video cassette to execute the recording.

The discussion remains on television but moves to a debate on the cast of The Carol Burnett Show. There's agreement on Burnett, Vicki Lawrence, and Harvey Corman, but then opinions diverge. Tom enjoyed Robert Wagner on the show, but Spike insists that Lyle Waggoner was the actual cast member. Things get even more heated when Spike tries to convince Tom that Tim Conway was a Burnett regular; Tom believes it was Taxi's Jeff Conaway. With both standing their ground, it was time for 2006's first Best Show TV Battle!

Spike: What Oscar winner played a dual role as cousins on televison? Patty Duke, who won an Oscar for The Miracle Worker. CORRECT.

Tom: The show F Troop featured Larry ______ as one of the bumbling soldiers. Larry Storch. CORRECT.

Spike: What star of a popular television kids show in the 1950s went on to do beach movies in the 1960s? Annette Funicello. CORRECT

Tom: Frank Langello was a recurring guest star on what 1970s sitcom? Spike's certain it's not Maude and says he was waiting for Tom to play his theme song, but his privileges have been revoked. The correct answer is Laverne & Shirley, where Langello played Mr. Papadopolous, the landlord of the pizzeria.

Tom stumped Spike in a TV War and directs him to enroll in television school.

- Sean from LA calls (starts 2:10) to correct Tom on one of the cast members of The Carol Burnett Show -- it was Roger Corman, not Harvey Corman. Sean's in the industry, so Tom yields to his expertise.

Stormtroopers Of Death - "Speak English Or Die"

- Philly Boy Roy calls (starts at 2:32) to weigh in on the controversy enveloping Geno's Steaks. He thinks it's disgustin' and that owner Joey Vento is doing a disservice to South Philly by deprivin' cheesesteaks to everyone who's not for the USA. PBR believes that people from China, Engaland, Russia, and Alaska deserve to have cheesesteaks, too. Tom informs him that Alaska is part of the Unisted States, but PBR thinks it's part of Canada because it's way up there. PBR compares Vento's policies to when Moses deprived the children of Egypt from those loaves of bread and fish that he caught. PBR points out that the Action News clip he saw suggested that the policy was primarily anti-Mexican. Tom's glad that PBR has landed on the good side of the issue. PBR says that if anyone needs those cheesesteaks, it's those Mexicans, who use them for energy to pave roads. Tom says that people of all ethnicities pave roads, and PBR thinks Tom may be right.

PBR is proud to report that he recently landed his fontasy job making hoagies at Wawa in Roxboro. Roy, Jr. gave him the idea to put up a counter sign that said: "This is Philadelphia -- Speak Philadelphian". (Roy Jr. has also been using local churches to spread the word.) PBR and Tom do a role-play to determine if Tom would be able to get a hoagie at PBR's Wawa.

Tom: “I’d like a six-inch Italian hoagie without onions, but with extra tomatoes, please.”

PBR would have to refuse Tom service for that order, and provides the correct verbiage that would convince PBR to actually construct the hoagie.

PBR: "Yeah, give me one of nem Ity shorties but keep nem stink rings off it, and load it up with a bunch of nem Pittston apples, OK?"

PBR may be fired soon because he’s getting heat from Human Rights groups, who think he may start a Civil War throughout the state. Tom speculates that he is probably not serving many hoagies with this policy. Roy, Jr. said he should stand tall and not only refuse to take down the sign, but also use the Ziegler family savings to put up a big billboard that says: “This is Philadelphia, Culture Capital of the World – Speak Philadelphian or Die!” Roy, Jr. continues to drive the family bus, and PBR says he guesses that he has to do it because his son is very persuasive. If PBR doesn’t do it, Roy, Jr. will tell the Roxboro City Council about Hooterville (a much more catchy name than Bazilian’s Place), a 35-capacity, after-hours speakeasy PBR is running out of his basement. After the other local bars close, drunken customers can stop by to continue drinking and play some knee football, a miniature version of the sport that can be played in any room because you won't bust anything. Tom was under the impression that this was a kids' game, but PBR assures him that some adults play it, too. The tavern also offers other stuff, which PBR calls "knee skiing". Tom's not sure what he's talking about and PBR explains that sometimes it snows down in the basement. PBR doesn't say it, but it's cocaine. Tom keeps making this sound bad, and PBR promises to serve as Tom's security from irate Philadelphians if he visits Hooterville. PBR uses the drug and knee football emporium to supplement his Wawa income, and it was, as you might expect, all Roy, Jr.'s idea. Roy Jr. wants to expand his entrepreneurial empire to a chain of strip clubs called Phillies.

PBR is concerned that Hooterville could be in jeopardy if Rhoda or the City Council found out. As a front, he tells Rhoda that the commotion from the basement is him rehearsing for a Rocky I-V one-man show. She thinks he’s very talented and creative, and he keeps telling her that the opening of the show, which will run at the Tower Theater, keeps getting pushed back. PBR also reveals that his kids are not sleeping during the club's hours -- they are down there busing tables. PBR pays them not with money, but in "Philadelphia value teachings": never take the mayor's name in vain, always pick up any lettuce that may have fallen out of your hoagie, and do anything within your power to help Philadelphia sports teams win. PBR explains that there is a lot you can do from the stands, such as throwing ice, batteries, and tires. That's how they roll in Philly, and PBR predicts that Tom's head will eventually roll down there, banning him from Hooterville. Tom is not disappointed that he will be unable to do any skiing and hopes that PBR gets busted. PBR does a rail and tells Roy, Jr. to retrieve some more Yeungling Black & Tans. PBR tells Tom that the party never stops at Hooterville and tries to win him back by saying he was just kidding about chopping his head off.

- John Junk calls (starts at 2:49) to praise Tom's marathon premium Fun Kit and correctly declares the autographed photo as suitable for framing. Junk saw A Prairie Home Companion (he thought it was weird; Tom points out that one Altman film every 9 years is good) and wants to know The Kid's take on Garrison Keillor. Tom says that Keillor is his enemy because if you enter the medium of radio, you are The Kid's competition. For example, Tom has been a huge supporter of Whoopi Goldberg's work for the past two decades, but now that she's entering the radio world, his fandom has to take a back seat as he prepares to battle her in the nonagon. Tom predicts an early defeat for Whoopi.

Bottom line: Newbridge rules, Powdermilk Biscuit Town drools.

- Kevin from Goshen calls (starts at 2:55) and is GOMPBA'd -- Get Off My Phone By Association. This leads to Tom further defending the Garden State, pointing out that Purple Shirt recently took his kids to the Jersey shore. If he had gone to Coney Island, he would have been mugged by a knife-wielding cretin in a wet suit or been pawed by monsters dwelling under the boardwalk, reaching up through the planks like it was a slave ship.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:: Tom talks to Sam Seder about his love of French proto-metal, Spike resumes his old time slot (????), and Tom takes his Camaro to Goshen to burn rubber all through their stupid town.

Until next week, here's Bobby and the boys (RIP, Vince):

Posted by Omar at 10:37 AM | Permalink | Comments

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.

Posted by x amount at 7:51 AM | Permalink | Comments

No, my name's SCAMMIN'.

Get a job, hippy.

Posted by mixednut at 3:22 PM | Permalink | Comments

I'm sure this lit up the political sites, but I kinda expected to see it all over the Non-Boring Internet as well. It's pretty much classic Bush funtimes -- but this time totally Zucker Abrahams Zuckered up.

Shortly after ribbing the blind man for wearing "shades," Bush unwittingly commandeered Helen Thomas's walker for use as an ersatz swimming trunks clothesline ("My bathin' suit's still wet!"), and then stumbled his way into officiating a Special Olympics qualification round ("You goofy kids gonna run in a straight line or what?").

Posted by x amount at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments

The sophomore release from The Ditty Bops contains the pretty pluckity-pluck you'd expect from hott tall bikers DeWald and Barrett and offers nice prairie home companionship to the new Spektor that's undoubtedly been burrowing into your brain.

The Ditty Bops - "In The Meantime"
The Ditty Bops - "Get Up N Go"

( Click here to buy Moon Over the Freeway)

Posted by Omar at 12:27 PM | Permalink | Comments

If you're a fan of his previous books, you'll want this one too.

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 4:28 PM | Permalink | Comments

and I cannot lie.

cosmo has nothing to do with his selection.

heard via TSOYA .

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 3:39 PM | Permalink | Comments

I normally avoid the annoying stream-y Myspace music craps, but this latest Pitchfork (anyone see their site go all weird and blogified yesterday?) report on The Go! Team sucked me right into their cover of Bull in the Heather. It's kinda too straight-ahead. But they did pump up that fun Steve Shelley drum shuffle right after the chorus. Now you can dance even more!

[Of course I won't leave you without the original video. How rude would that be? Dance along with Hanna. Dance along with Letterman.]

Posted by x amount at 10:57 AM | Permalink | Comments

It's over there in the right-side column on the home page. Down at the bottom of the individual post pages.

Bizarrely related ads make reading my Gmail serendipitous fun; let's see what they do to the site here. There's already an ad for a Dancin' James Brown Doll (immediate shipping; secure ordering!). So that's a start.

Posted by x amount at 10:27 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Omar at 9:57 AM | Permalink | Comments

Despite being aware of its Odenkirk stewardship, I never dove into the Tom Goes To The Mayor, a program that is part of the Cartoon Network's popular "Adult Swim" lineup. This, of course, makes no sense, but after listening to Bob's fantastic interviewy thing with Tim and Eric on AST Radio (which has remarkably gone from its early days of barely-audible Dave Foley and Maria Bamford interviews to the best podcast on the entire Intronet) and seeing my two favorite funnymen on the writing credits of the episode ("Bass Fest") excerpted above, the TiVo is appropriately programmed to capture the goods.

Also, if you've never read Tim's account of his stabbing, it's quite a tale.

Posted by Omar at 7:32 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 1:44 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 12:38 PM | Permalink | Comments

I'm pretty sure a visit to this Kroger/SunTrust/Carrabba's fakery in full swing would be like stepping into a Kaufman/Jonze film.

Posted by x amount at 12:31 PM | Permalink | Comments

The frighteningly well behaved Tom Scharpling brings it.

Posted by Omar at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Comments

**EXCLUSIVE** Recidivism's cultural domination marches forward! A deal was finally secured (for reasons I can't discuss here, it was contingent on the death of al-Zarqawi and Italy's defeat of Ghana in their first World Cup match) yesterday for the location of Recidivism's European headquarters. Opening in mid-August, the Rome office will feature a full-scale gelateria (I highly recommend the stracciatella), a selection of MEAT cut by Dario Cecchini, and scooter rentals for various blogging excursions.

Posted by Omar at 3:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

thinking.

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 11:05 AM | Permalink | Comments

I really want that new thing with the new Mario game. Buy this and FINANCE THE DREAM.

Posted by x amount at 10:23 AM | Permalink | Comments

What is precious? The idea that this phenomenon might actually be established protocol.

Posted by x amount at 3:53 PM | Permalink | Comments

Richard L. Spencer, lead singer for The Winstons, stumbles into a thread about one of the most sampled breaks in history and comments on the fact that neither he nor drummer Greg Coleman were even aware of the usage.

Folks have speculated for a while that they never saw royalties, but to not know that your work was practically the cornerstone for a large chunk of electronic music is just insane. At least James Brown and Clyde Stubblefield were aware that they'd been screwed. (Wonder if James Brown paid himself back when he enlisted Full Force to jack "Funky Drummer" on I'm Real?)

Posted by x amount at 3:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

They want an all-expenses-paid trip to Asia, or maybe a banjo.

I'd add that sometimes they just want a 1978 AMC Concord and a fire-engine red wood-burning stove.

Posted by x amount at 10:25 AM | Permalink | Comments

with unencumbered thoughts.

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 2:36 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 12:19 PM | Permalink | Comments

But you're kind of jacking like 3 million college kids' MySpace quote thingies with that line.

Posted by x amount at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments

Computer! How ya do boy?

Mr. Lif - Murs Iz My Manager (w/Murs) produced by Edan (Amazon)

Posted by DOP at 7:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

Brian Palmer's been setting loose a number of good, commute-ready stand-up sets. Galifianakis, Silverman, that Microsoft kid.

Posted by x amount at 3:57 PM | Permalink | Comments

But. We're getting there.

Posted by x amount at 5:24 PM | Permalink | Comments

of an artist who’s trying to aim at some sense of spirituality but is, at heart, a corrupted materialist.

Posted by Dr. Red Duke at 3:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

I hope somebody got Mike D dancing like that one girl.

Posted by x amount at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments

And what’s wrong with Palatino, brother!?

Posted by x amount at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by x amount at 11:33 AM | Permalink | Comments

I thought about turning this into a Miami Vice soundtrack post. After all, the first tape I ever put down my own allowance for was the Miami Vice soundtrack. The first rap I ever memorized was "Vice" by Grandmaster Melle Mel.

But Jan won't let me. His unbridled keytarific enthusiasm (minute 1:35! yes!) means this post will ultimately be all about him.

Posted by x amount at 8:26 AM | Permalink | Comments

Grab yourself a rusty razor blade, carve something menacing into your forearm, and celebrate the National Day of Slayer!

Slayer - "Raining Blood
Slayer - "Aggressive Perfector"

( Click here to buy Reign In Blood)

Up The Irons:

Iron Maiden - "Number Of The Beast"

( Click here to buy Number Of The Beast. 45% off! Holiday Special!)

Finally, some guy had his grandmother lip sync to Pantera's "Walk" in her New Jersey art gallery. Re! Spect!

Posted by Omar at 6:06 AM | Permalink | Comments

[via our gf.]

Posted by x amount at 10:43 AM | Permalink | Comments

[via the comment thread on my new favorite t-shirt.]

Posted by x amount at 10:07 PM | Permalink | Comments

"Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns." -- Principal Ed Rooney (Gleason Jones) in Ferris Bueller's Day Off

"Toughen up, everybody! It’s not that hard of a life." -- Tom, sick of the surrounding soft-servitude

"Oh, I wish I could be on one of those flights to watch them eat tuna sandwiches." -- Tom, not thrilled by the culinary adventures of the Portland Trailblazers.

"It’s Philly -- everything goes and anything goes." -- New slogan from the Philadelphia Board of Tourism

"Still no Swarm 2, Dad." -- Philly Boy Roy, at his father's gravesite

"Ok!" -- Tom, quickly and enthusiastically embracing Sean's recommendation to avoid the Huey Lewis & The News Greatest Hits compilation

"CNN is the wrongest news organization ever in the history of mankind." -- Kelly, forgetting about Fox News

"From the fingers of Jenkins, to your tv screen." -- Rogue CNN crawl man Tim Jenkins on transmitting the news of Gleason Jones' demise

"I don't know, you'd have to ask Paula Poundstone." -- Zach Galifianakis, responding to a query about what it's like to do comedy sans beard

"There’s no one here for me to high-five." -- Zach, on the downside of being on tour with a duo of raging nerds

"Anything but your questions." -- Zach, gladly taking calls

"I thought that Superwolf record was funny." -- Tom on the comedy stylings of Will Oldham

"She must really give good cross-stitch." -- Buzzy from Anchorage, offering Zach a killer punch line

"Host, I don't like you." -- Buzzy, signing off with what is known to comedy insiders as a "cat"

"I hope you get shot at the pheasant hunt." -- Tom, wishing death on a New Hamshire DJ who crossed The Best Show

[TBSOWFMU - 5/30/06 / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

*Let's push this bitch over the edge! Vote for TBS on Podcast Alley! Get friends, family, and random reprobates to subscribe!

Silversun Pickups - "Well Thought Out Twinkles" (from the forthcoming Carnavas)
Amy Millan - "Headsfull" (from the forthcoming Honey From The Tombs)

Tommy Keene - "In Our Lives" (from the OOP Songs From The Film)
Tommy Keene - "Our Car Club" (The Beach Boys cover ft. Peter Buck ; from the OOP Based On Happy Times)

Hey, You Heart Early 1990s Classix!!! And Late 1990s Classix, Too!!!

Bettie Serveert - "Tomboy"

( Click here to buy Palomine)

The Geraldine Fibbers - "Toybox" (from the OOP Butch, but someone will sell it to you used for 46 cents, which is the steal of the century.)

Annotated highlights of Tom just trying to fill three hours:

- Tom gives (starts at 21:31) the weekly cost update on the exclusive Best Show phone number -- it’s up to a staggering $1,160 per call received. He also provides some further details on its undergound installation. As Tom unspooled the cable and dug the requisite hole, a guy from the phone company sat in his truck, laughing and throwing cans of Dr. Pepper at him. He then forced Tom to cover the opening with tar. For shame, phone company man.

- Tom reveals (starts at 25:18) that liberal firebrand and upcoming Best Show guest Sam Seder has his own record label that releases French proto-metal. What is it with these Air America hosts? As you probably know, Rachel Maddow's been putting out some amazing Arkansas jazz re-issues (Ronnie Randolph, Blaze Newman & The Serpents, Claudine Osbourne, etc.), Randi Rhodes put out that great Ethiopian 70s groove comp last year, and Franken's still doing his Greek Rembetika vinyl series on Big Fat Idiot Records. These guys can't get anybody to listen to their station, but they put out some cool, important music that educates.

- John, a Satanic zookeeper/chef from SF, returns (starts at 26:38) to tell his story about preparing food for the Portland Trailblazers. He starts by giving Tom some background on how he got the job. While working at the Washington State Park zoo cleaning cages and tending to ill animals, he also did some catering. When he had some spare time, he would also work the popcorn cart, discussing music with the kids. They were generally into rap; he informed them that he was a Slayer fan. The youngsters speculated that he was a devil worshipper, and John did nothing to dissuade them of the notion. They gave him a little stick broom with a dust pan attachment, and he'd use it to sweep up cigarette butts.

While at the zoo, he met some catering waitresses, who made the work seem like a life of glamour. He soon found himself at the house of millionaire Harry Merlo, the deposed CEO of Louisiana-Pacific and famous wine inventor. Merlo's reign was marked by controversy, including harvesting saplings so he could press them into dubious wafer board, which was used to construct John's garage workspace. My research also turned up this frightening bit about L-P's siding: “There was the avalanche of suits from customers who had bought siding (Inner Seal brand, made from oriented strand board), only to find that after a year’s exposure to humidity, L-P’s patented siding warped, broke apart and exuded a poisonous gas.” A few other articles I read said the siding also caused chapped lips and minor heart stoppage.

So Merlo diversified his empire into chartered plane services, which were used by the Trailblazers prior to their purchase by Paul Allen. John did his cooking on the top floor of the tallest building in downtown Portland, which Tom thinks is ideal because it puts you high above the street filth. John is familiar with said street filth and notes that since the hardcore kids are into the whole brevity thing, they beg for “spange” so they can attend ICP shows in Spokane. Proud moments. John moved the kitchen out of the top floor with the assistance of Phil, Merlo’s acrophobic gardener.

At this point, Tom wants to get to the juicy Trailblazers stuff, and John assures him that it’s coming. Tom wants it NOW because he’s got things to do and doesn’t have time for a leisurely bike tour of mid-90s Portland. John, however, is not quite done with the backstory. The guy he replaced was fired because he drove Merlo’s prized Ferrari to the airport to deliver a pan in an emergency. Tom mentions the scenario’s similarity to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and informs John that the guy who played the principal in the film just passed away. John thinks it’s sad that they are remaking the film. Tom would see it in a second.

Tom’s ready for some good DuckworthTales, but John reveals that he just prepared the food at Merlo’s house and had it sent to the airport for the flights. Tom’s not pleased with this twist. John did chat with Duckworth’s nutritionist, who would fax him acceptable recipes. The rest of the team loved the dry tuna sandwiches, but these were off-limits to Duck, who tended to go for pasta with marinara sauce. Tom wonders about the eating habits of Damon Stoudamire, but he was "before [sic] my time". John assembled sandwiches for the P.J. Carlesimo-era Blazers (1994-1997), featuring the likes of Clyde Drexler, Terry Porter, and Uncle Cliffie. Since the show, I did some digging around and found out that Jerome Kersey used to eat an entire roasted pig before home games during the 1995 season. Arvydas Sabonis would only eat homeland dishes like kugelis (potato pudding) and borscht. Chris Dudley? Mainly Twizzlers.

Tom is really started to lose interest since he’d been looking forward to some ribald tales of John partying on the plane with the team. As it turns out, John sold Tom a bill of goods and ends with some yawners about making fresh juices, julienned carrots, and second-hand information about in-flight gambling on cards. Tom’s had enough and politely ends the call, mercifully sparing John the full-on GOMP he deserved.

- Philly Boy Roy calls (starts at 36:30) and starts with an uncharacteristically blue follow-up to the Duckworth call: “Well, you know in some circles, eating a tuna sandwich means something else.” He apologizes, noting that he usually represents Philly with more class, which he did yesterday when he observed the Memorial Day holiday in traditional, Ziegler style. Tom spent a quiet day hanging around the house and doing some cooking. PBR's day was a tad more wild. The family got up at 7 a.m. to salute the bust of the best person ever on Earth -- former Philadelphia mayor Frank Rizzo. PBR constructed the bust as part of a project while attending camp in the 1970s. Tom thinks Rizzo was corrupt, but PBR thinks he's joking because he wasn't corrupt at all.

After that, the Ziegler kids read their speeches about what it means to be a Philadelphian. Roy, Jr. focused on local cuisine: Peanut Chews, Tastykakes, Frank's Steaks, Yeunglings, and Marlboros. Tom is taken aback by the inclusion of cigarettes, but PBR assures him that everyone loves them. PBR explains since Roy, Jr. is in his mid-teens, he's at the proper age to start smoking. In a nutshell, his current habit is smoking a pack per half day. PBR can't believe that Tom did not start smoking in his mid-teens because it's a rite of passage down in Philly. PBR and Rhoda also smoke becaue it "toughens the lungs". Tom does not think Roy, Jr. should be allowed to smoke until he's 18, but Roy says that's when things will get really tough -- he and Roy, Jr. will fight each other (presumably in a nonagon) to determine the future of the living situation. If Roy, Jr. wins, he can leave home, and if he don't, he has stay for one more year.

Rhoda, Jr. talked about the blessing of SEPTA, and Little Royda just unleashed a series of goo-goos and ga-gas that Roy translated as a riff declaring Philadelphia to be heaven and New Jersey to be an inflamed, diseased armpit. With the oratory complete, the family proceded, as usual, to the pool at the Days Inn on William Penn Drive. Per SOP, PBR donned a fake worker uniform emblazoned with "ACME Laundry" and stuffed his family inside a laundry cart to avoid having to check in and pay for a room. The costume was acquired at a uniform shop in Roxboro via a 10-finger discount. In this case, the clothing was too heavy for a five-finger heist.

Over the years, PBR taught Roy, Jr. the ways of the world in people’s rooms at the Days Inn. He tells Tom that he doesn’t need to worry about how he’s getting in, but gives a hint: sometimes you find the little card keys lying around that were not closed out by the front desk. While in the room, PBR takes whatever people left behind -- wallets, wine, and other leftover party debris. Roy changes the topic from father-son burglary to the swimming portion of the day. The whole clan is at the pool, but nobody goes in the water until PBR does his traditional "Philly Flop" -- a cannonball from the second-story balcony of the seven-story hotel. However, Roy Jr. started egging him on to try it from the fifth floor. (After the call, Tom says he thinks Roy, Jr. has his father wrapped around his finger, and I agree. It's time for PBR to regain control of the family.) PBR was leery of the dangerous height and told his son to shut up. Roy, Jr. fired back, telling his father that he wasn't a real man and threatened to tell Rhoda about the woman at the Flyers game in 1993 if he did not execute the jump. Tom wants more details on this encounter, but PBR accuses him of launching an inquisition and doesn't want to go there, as they say.

Prior to the jump, PBR consumed a nip half of the contents of his flask of Canadian Ace, the best liquer one can buy at the ABC store. PBR says it has a "real bite to it", which Tom sarcastically confirms is the mark of any fine alcohol. With his courage juiced, PBR jumped off to the horror of "that poor family". PBR was too high up to land in the pool, so he shifted his body weight in mid-jump and landed on the softest thing he could find -- a fat family of four who were about to jump in the water. PBR assures Tom that he's OK, the result of the heavens looking out for him. He's not sure what happened to the family because he was so dazed by the fall. He did have the presence of mind to get the Zieglers out of pool area pronto, stuffing them back into the laundry cart, and wheeling them to the bus stop.

PBR doesn't drive since he got arrested for a DUI, and he asks Tom to play a little Ziegler trivia by guessing what kind of vehicle he was driving at the time of the infraction. Tom goes for dune buggy, which is wrong, although Roy wishes it was right. He used to own one so he could impress down at the shore, but it was repossesed because he failed to meet his payments. Roy gives Tom a hint: it had more then four wheels and you see 'em everyday between September and June. Tom guesses a snowmobile, but it was a school bus. PBR had always wanted to drive one, but was never allowed to as a kid. Tom thinks this makes sense because he was not licensed to drive a bus, but PBR notes that Trey, his school bus driver, didn't have a license neither. Trey admitted this to PBR when they were drinking -- they would hang out in the country, embibing and cranking tunes early in the morning before the route began. Trey was the one who turned PBR onto Canadian Ace, and he ended up in prison. Tom thinks it's a shame that PBR is not in there with him, and PBR doesn't like Tom's attitude.

On the bus ride home, Roy, Jr. was being a pill and made PBR sit in a separate part of the bus because he embarrassed him with the errant flop. Roy, Jr. wanted to stay at the Days Inn to keep swimming and steal girls' bikini tops. Tom wants to know why he's raising his son to be a dirtbag, but PBR says that the lad has a mind of his own. Roy admits to having some influence on his son, such as giving him an appreciation for the finer things in life, such as the power of theater. When the Zieglers got home, they want to the neighborhood Memorial Day play. A year in the making, "And They Danced ..." was a big extravagonza documenting how The Hooters formed and consquently changed the course of music forever. Tom wants to know how they altered the course of music, so PBR calls school into session so he can impart some knowledge like Pla-do did. Tom's says it's P-l-a-t-o, PBR calls Tom a dummy, and Tom can't even begin to address the error.

Tom's seated at the PBR's feet to learn about The Hooters, and PBR tells him that you didn't never not hear no melodica in rock before nem Hooters. Tom thinks melodicas are awful and can't confirm if The Hooters launched its use in the genre. PBR moves on to cinema, asking Tom if he saw the The Da Vinci Cone this past weekend. Tom tells him it's "Code", but PBR disputes it, suggesting that Tom must have been hiding under a rock if he doesn't know the biggest movie in the world. PBR clarifies that he's talking about the movie starring Tom Hanks and directed by that kid from tv.

PBR cops to not knowing anything about the plot because he has a life, unlike Tom. Based on some ads, he guesses that it involves a clue about the unknown history of Moses that's hidden in the dome of the Fifteen Chapel in Engaland. The Zieglers will wait for The Da Vinci Cone's network television debut, and Tom tells PBR that it will be a long wait. PBR is no stranger to these extended waiting periods since his father would often force him to wait for theatrical releases to hit the small screen. PBR is still waiting for The Swarm 2 to come on television. Tom suggests a DVD viewing, but PBR says it didn't come out on no DVD. PBR explains that the sequel is the follow-up to The Swarm, but since they could not re-sign Michael Caine or any other big names, director Irwin Allen was the lead and George Brett played a famous bug collector. PBR notes that Brett was also in Aerobicide, an erotic thriller that PBR owns on DVD. (He stores it under his bed.) He's still mad at his dad about not seeing The Swarm 2, so he'll go to his grave, tell him that the film has still not appeared on network television, and pour a Yuengling Black & Tan on his tombstone. Tom suggests breaking the cycle and buying a DVD player, but PBR, as a responsible parent, is afraid of what Roy, Jr. would watch. PBR has to end the call so he can try to win a bet from Roy, Jr. The bet is that PBR cannot slip the gun from Officer Harrups' holster without him noticing it. Tom tells him not to do it, but PBR has to because he'd be viewed as a deficient father if he did not take his on up on the bet. How about that?!

The Hooters - "And We Danced"

- Sean, the hot shot warm shot from L.A. who worked as a writer’s assistant on Arrested Development, is back (starts at 1:01), and Tom wants The Hollywood Story. Sean reluctantly corrects The Kid by saying that he thinks the principal from The Breakfast Club died. Sean believes that the principal from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is a living member of the cast of HBO’s toilet-talkie Deadwood. Sean's incorrect -- the principal from Welcome Back, Kotter is on that show. Tom does some online research and confirms that Gleason Jones, the principal from FBDO, is dead. Tom recites the famous line from the film about messing with a bull and getting the horns, and it still holds up 20 years later. It’s definitely one of my favorite parts of FBDO. As you recall, Gleason Jones mutters this to himself after he peers out of his office window and spots Broderick and Mia Sara engaging in some agressive mouth kissing in the parking lot outside the school. He's quite puzzled by the makeout session since they are supposedly grieving relatives. Then he does that amazing, silly prance (a brilliant bit of physical comedy from Gleason Jones, recalling early Cleese) over to Edie McClurg and hits her three times with his shoe while simultaneously doing the Dio horns and singing the chorus of "Holy Diver". Vintage GJ. Sean thinks Tom's news report is weird and says something about a man named “Jeffrey Jones” playing principal Ed Rooney in FBDO. Whuuuuuuut? I think Sean may have been concussed while in transit from Burbank to his new home in L.A. You'd think someone in the industry would be familiar with the filmography of a top-shelf character actor like Gleason Jones. This speaks volumes about the sad state of affairs in La La Land.

Sean thanks Tom for convincing him to not purchase the Gnarls Barkley album and offers a cautionary 1980s tale. While at Costco purchasing an air conditioner he made a perilous CD acquisition: a Huey Lewis & The News Greatest Hits compilation. He was looking for a fun stroll down Memory Lane and hoped that 16 years of aging would be kind to Mr. Lewis. Plus, Sean had a prior positive experience with musical re-discovery, having grown to appreciate The Beach Boys after being unenthused by their music in his younger days.

The added perspective, however, was no help in this case. Sean got 30-second kicks out of “The Heart Of Rock & Roll” and “I Want A New Drug”, and he enjoyed “The Power Of Love” due to its association with Back To The Future. He was disappointed to discover that the bulk of the disc contains non-News Huey tracks like his duet with Gwenyth Paltrow that served as the theme to William Freidkin’s 1980 film Cruising. He now realizes that he only craved a five-minute Huey medley instead of dropping $10 for an album he wants to throw out of his car.

Three people from The Breakfast Club and Gleason Jones backstage at the 2005 MTV Movie Awards

- Kelly calls (starts at 1:06) to offer a correction: the Paltrow-Lewis movie was actually Duets, which she says is horrible (I loved it). She then tells Tom that he's wrong about Gleason Jones being in FBDO. She agrees with Sean that he was in The Breakfast Club and -- get this -- says that the principal says the bull-by-the-horns line to a character named "Bender", played by Judd Nelson! Somebody did some rails before they called up a radio show. Um, sorry madame, but Judd Nelson was in Fandango. Bender was played by Brewers shortstop Robin Yount in his dazzling film debut. Do people not know about the IMDB? Hasn't this site been around for like a decade+?

Tom explains that he's simply reporting the information from CNN, but Kelly suspects that inter-company nepotism led to the hiring of an incompetent crawl man. Tom reads the story, which clearly states that the actor Gleason Jones was found dead in his apartment. While Kelly is a bit confused about film credits, she must be knowledgeable about the field of medicine because she points out that Gleason Jones died of mesothelioma, a rare form of lung cancer that is often linked to asbestos inhalation. Kelly suggests Gleason Jones was exposed on the set of The Breakfast Club, which, as Tom points out, must be a reference to some visit he made since he was not a member of the film's cast. I suspect that either he was exposed to asbestos while working on Trading Places (from what I hear, every Landis set is a complete cesspool -- asbestos was probably the least of it) or got the cancer while on a trip to Canada. At this point, Kelly declares CNN the wrongest news organization in history, before demoting them to the second slot after Tom reminds her about the a little channel called Fox News.

Tom brings up the FBDO remake and informs Sean and Kelly that Andy Milonakis has been cast as Ferris. Sean would prefer to see Frankie Muniz in the role; Kelly thinks it's gross casting and will not see the film. She makes a valid point about how Broderick's coolness made it possible for his Ferris to connive his way around Chicago, whereas nobody is going to grant Milonakis as much as a free sandwich, let alone allow him to lip sync "Danke Schoen" in a downtown parade. Tom thinks it's a cool idea and can't imagine how anyone would not think that the remake will recapture the magic of the original. Variety is reporting that Rachel Dratch will take over the role of Jeannie Bueller from Jennifer Grey. Nice!

- Dan in SF calls (starts at 1:08) to throw his support in the camp saying that Gleason Jones was in The Breakfast Club and says the principal in FBDO was played by an actor named Jeff Something. Again: IMDB before you call so you can at least confirm that the person exists.

- Tim Jenkins checks in (starts at 1:09) to set things straight. He's the crawl guy at CNN and tells Kelly that he's hurt by her earlier comments because he can't help it if his uncle is the head of the news department. Kelly calls Tim a liar, and Tom quickly GOMPs her after she reveals that she was on speaker phone. Tim confirms that it was Gleason Jones from FBDO, and he just updated the crawl to include the actual cause of death: "multiple stab wounds". So much for Kelly's claim of lung cancer. Tom's not sure what else he can do to convince people that he's right, and Tim assures him that his crawl text is gospel. Sean wants some advice on how to get into tickering, but Tim said it's unlikely he can crack into the business because Kelly is right -- it's all about who you know and what your legacy is.

- "Stu" from CNN calls (starts at 1:11), and Tim thinks it sounds like his co-worker Ricky. Stu doesn't think that Tim actually works at CNN, so he tests him.

1. How many letters can the crawl possibly have at one time? Tim: 62. Correct Answer: 48.

Tim insists that he can get 62 on the screen, and Tom's leaning towards believing him.

2. When is the last time the Braves won the World Series? Tim: "I don't follow sports, I do the entertainment stuff, you dunce." Correct Answer: 1995.

Tim wants Tom to get rid of Stu, who thinks that Tim should know the answer if he really worked for Turner. Tim says that he works in his basement, which is one of the perks of being a legacy. Stu is not a legacy, so he had to get his CNN job through a neighbor's friend. Tom thinks that indicates that Stu is less qualified than Tim.

3. Who runs CNN? Tim: Rod Jacobs, his uncle. CORRECT!

Tom and Tim turn the tables and wonder if Stu works for CNN. Tim doubts he has clearance.

4. What floor is the comissary located on? Tim: reiterates that he works in his basement using a T1 line.

Stu claims that Turner runs through a T2 line, but Tim says he prefers to kick it old-school on the T1. Stu now regrets making the call and finally believes that Tim Jenkins works for CNN. With an entire omelette on his face, he apologizes for doubting the legitimacy of Tim's employment. Stu says the main reason he called was that he thought Tim should have defended CNN more vigorously when Kelly questioned their accuracy. Tim explains that he also has a few issues with CNN, most notably that he's still PO'd that his legacy status didn't allow him to bend the rules and promote his band on the network. Tim wants to give Stu his e-mail off-air so they can get together ("if you know what I mean") and possibly meet Ted Turner.

Stu had a brief encounter with Ted on an elevator about a week and a half ago. He thought it was cool that Ted looked him in the eye and asked him what floor he was getting off on. Tim compares Ted to Clark Gables; Stu thinks he's like the loose cannon at a funeral who may say something nice or may just go off. This reminds Tim of himself, and he wonders what he might say at Stu's funeral, which could be really soon. Tom GOMPs Stu after he admits that he landed on The Best Show while scrolling for WFAN. Tom calls both guys jerks, but Tim was still on the line, so he suggested there would be a second upcoming funeral. Tom GOMPs Tim, and admits he's a little scared of him.

- Tom calls (starts at 1:20) Matt Walsh, who fills in for Larry and gives an update on the Phoenix-Dallas game. Tom's Pistons pick is dead, and Walsh thinks the one-two wallop of Shaq and Alonzo will lead the Heat to the NBA title. Walsh wants Tom to tease the Special Guest about playing second fiddle to him on Man Bites Dog and ask him if having a beard makes one funnier.

- After some problems correctly dialing the area code, Tom reaches (starts at 1:23) super funnyman zachgalifianakis.com, and the resulting comedic collision made for a deliciously fun stretch of radio. Tom's excited for himself, though he wouldn't dare assume the same for Zach, who confirms for listeners that Tom is in fact doing the show from New Jersey. Zach had to flee his home due to an influx of noisy helicopters, so he's chatting from an old bank vault in Venice Beach.

Mr. Galifianakis (The Comedians of Comedy, Citizen Kane) starts the interview by calling Tom "sir", but Tom tells him that there's no need to be overly clean and grants permission to drop such formalities. While Zach thinks AD Miles's description of Dog Bites Man (Comedy Central, premieres June 7th, 10:30 p.m.) as "an elaborate fart in an elevator" is pretty accurate, he explains that it's basically a fake documentary in which the only fakeouts are the characters created by the quartet of actors, who intertwine the real and fake world within a narrative structure. A recent storyline involved infiltrating a KKK rally in the middle of Tennessee, but the characters thought they were going to cover a State Fair. They want to leave, but they stay because the hot dogs are so good. The actors were told that it would be a gun-free KKK event, but when they showed up, Zach first saw someone selling his stand-up DVD and then saw several people with guns on their belts. Zach was a bit frightened by the event, but he did get to ask a Grand Wizard if he'd seen Big Momma's House 2. Zach admits that delivering lines like this sometimes keep him up the night before.

Tom saw the pilot and thinks it's really funny. Zach said the pilot required some re-shoots because they initially spent several days interviewing a renowned weightlifter Chris Titus and his wife, but since then, the couple are now awaiting trial for murdering their personal assistant. Zach notes that it's bad for morale when the first guy out of the gate ends up being accused of murder. In another segment, the crew covers Spring Break in Panama City, FL., and Zach's character performs a "Who Let The Dogs Out"-ish song in front of 1,000 collegiate drunks. They think it's real and boo, which Zach thinks is a fun extension of Andy Kaufman's wrestling stunts.

- Tom Reynolds from Secaucus calls (starts at 1:29) to ask Zach what it's like to do comedy without a beard. Zach says this is a question better suited for Paula Poundstone, though he quickly realizes that she's a bad example. Zach finds comedy more intimidating without a beard, which serves as a shield. Tom points out that this is not unlike the books in Simon and Garfunkel's "I Am A Rock". Zach loves the parallel and will start using it. Tom sold a joke! Tom Reynolds wants to know if AD Miles requires a lot of attention and the ruse fizzles -- Tom Reynolds is mattwalsh.org. Tom tells Zach that Matt delivered the worst interview of all-time in any medium last week while trying to negotiate a clogged airline aisle. Zach thinks it's pathetic that Matt is trying to steal his glory.

Tom wants to know what it was like to be on tour with the "disgustingly nerdy" Brian Posehn and Patton Oswalt. Zach feels it's authentic, but he's at a loss as to how to communicate in the world of back acne and spectacle slippage, where the cool guy feels weird for being left out. In this bizarro universe, Zach reveals that Posehn and Oswalt are the cool kids, taking goth chicks back to their hotel room. Zach takes back the last part since they're married men, plus there was never any chance of any rock star action on the road when playing Dungeons & Dragons at a La Quinta Inn was one of the primary forms of recreation. Zach says that he's made the mistake of calling Brian at home on a Wednesday night, which is the time that he and Patton play D&D. Brian gets angry because he has to remove his mask to answer the phone and hangs up because he's usually in the middle of squaring off against a dwarf.

Tom likes comics but does not line up at the store every Wednesday. Zach thinks there's a purity and preciousness to their nerdiness and has shared a theory with Brian. He thinks that something bad happens to certain people when they were deeply into something and they can’t break free from the past. Zach suffers from a similar affiction with Debarge albums. Zach enjoys the sweet spectator sport of nerd watching, gazing at sixth graders transported into grotesque adult bodies. Towards the end of the call, Zach says that he also admires the dedication to statistics by the nerd purists who still fill out the scorecards at baseball games. Zach changes the topic to ask Tom if he's seen the hilarious preview for the new Sandler film. Tom then reveals his summer movie itinerary: The Break-Up ---> Nacho Libre ---> Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties ---> Click.

- Red, a history buff from Newbridge, calls (starts at 1:45) to ask Zach what comedian he would kill if he could go back in time. Zach remembers working with a guy named "Wurster" that he would probably ice, but goes with the more well-known Fatty Arbuckle. Red thinks it's an interesting choice, though he would have said Milton Berle, because he's sorta creepy. Red also wants Zach's take on the The New Cars tour with Todd Rundgren taking over for Rick Ocasek and Utopia bassist Kasim Sulton replacing the deceased Ben Orr. Zach compares this lineup to Huey Lewis and The Cult Jam, which sounds good to Red. Zach wonders why Ocasek is not fronting the band, and Red thinks he's got hurt. Tom thinks he just has better things to do, such as unearthing the master tapes for Weezer's "blue" album and continuing to tinker with it.

- Vic calls (starts at 1:48) to get Zach's take on the term "alternative comedy". Zach thinks it's stupid, but realizes that there has to be some term to let people know that they are not going to hear jokes about airline cuisine.

- A caller (starts at 1:50) wants to know how frequently the Dog Bites Man cast has been outed during filming. Zach says one of Bill Frist's minions recognized him at the Southern Republicans convention in Memphis about three months ago. The FBI eventually kicked them out. Last week at Portland's Portland State University, Matt Walsh was giving a speech to a class when a woman raised her hand and informed him that he was in Old School. Zach also mentions that the show was originally based in Lincoln, NE, when NBC was interested in it, but was shifted to Spokane, which made more sense since nobody in the cast has corn muffin, Conor Oberst hair. Tom tells Zach about hearing Robert Pollard go off on Bright Eyes at a NYC show, not knowing that Oberst was in attendance.

Zach mentions an upcoming show at Largo where Will Oldham will sing his punch lines. Tom was involved in an incident at Largo where he and mattwalsh.org were throwing a golf ball at the store across the street. It eventually hit the window of Largo and everyone ran. Tom thinks that Walsh has the mind of a juggler; Zach thinks he has the mind of a balloon animal enthusiast.

- Buzzy, a transient, Anchorage-based comedian, calls (starts 1:59) to tell "Jack" that he's a big fan and offer to sell his some jokes. Zach's having some trouble hearing Buzzy, who tells him to turn down the jukebox and wonders if he's at the opera. Zach tells him that he's at a TGI Friday's, which are finally set to make their Alaskan debut. Tom assures Buzzy that he will love the eatery. Buzzy is certain that Zach will kill with his topical jokes, but is afraid that Zach will rip him off. The joke he's offering involves local alderman Gus Morrison, who got caught stealing money from the city parks fund. He then funneled the money into his mistress's country crafts boutique. Buzzy only gives Zach the punch line: "She must really give good cross-stitch." Zach's never purchased material before, but he really likes the joke. Buzzy prices it at $750 and will mail it to Zach at 517 North Federalsburg Street (Attention: Airport Denny's). Tom has no problem with the comedic commerce since a lot of the greats have bought jokes.

It's Zach's lucky day because Buzzy also has a movie pitch to grant him his first starring role: President Baseball 2. Zach, of course, saw the original last summer, but Buzzy refreshes his memory on the plot involving Alan Alda grappling with the pressures of world leadership and playoff baseball. In the sequel, Zach will play President Morton, who challenges the new head of Iran ("Sahib something") to a home run derby. If President Morton wins, he'll give up all of his nukes. Morton accepts and is considered a heavy favorite, but it turns out that Sahib is known as "The Home Run King of Iran" from his days playing semi-pro ball for the Tehran Sand Mice. Tom wonders if it's an empty title afforded a powerful statesman, but Buzzy assures him that he earned it and is a legitimate star player.

Zach's already schooling Buzzy with script notes, suggesting that the audience will want to see some kind of established major league baseball in Iran. Buzzy thinks flashbacks might do the trick, and Zach references the "old Negro League over there", which Buzzy finds a bit offensive. Zach's not sure what he's being called out on, and Tom explains that perhaps Buzzy doesn't think "negro" is the most progressive word choice. Zach explains that he was just being historically accurate, conjuring an image of old-timey baseball. Buzzy thanks God that there was also white man baseball. Buzzy offers CGI as a possibility, and Zach says that if he's willing to hold on, he'll call some really cool Jewish writers at Paramount who can write in anybody's voice. Buzzy likes the idea because if they can't whip out a script, nobody can. He's going to send Zach a package (notorized so he doesn't screw him) with the movie pitch and the joke. Zach plans to open with the joke on an upcoming appearance on Jay Leeno.

Buzzy ends the call with "Host, I don't like you", a "cat" directed at Tom. I'd heard about "catting" on AST, so it was fun to finally hear one live on the radio. This leads to a brief discussion of the toilet-mouthed documentary, The Aristocrats. Zach's never seen it, and Tom thought it was "absolutely horrifying". Tom does think it was successful in illuminating jokecraft as jazz because both are terrible and people think it's good. Zach says that while he's not a big jazz fan, if he watches a show with his father, he's into it. Similarly, if he caught a screening of The Aristocrats with Sinbad, he'd probably like it. Tom says that watching Taylor Negron riff is like seeing Charlie Parker, which I think is a very apt comparison. I'd add that Cathy Ladman recalls prime Trane. It's also worth noting that one of the most intriguing joke renditions in the film is performed by a mime. So I guess comedy is like jazz if the jazz musicians forgot to bring their instruments. (For the record, the film unfortunately contains no Elayne Boosler.)

Tom got an e-mail asking Zach what it's like to work with the great sporting goods mogul James Cook. Zach sold shoes at Cook's and did not like working there, though he does praise their inventory of canoes and tube socks. Tom sums up the call, giving Dog Bites Man a thumbs up, but Zach's unconvinced and needs to see a few more shows before weighing in on its quality. Just when you thought the interview would fade out gloriously, No Smoke calls requesting Zach's bio. Tom gives Zach the backstory on No Smoke's fibbery and his feeble attempts to get back into the good graces of The Best Show. Good riddance to bad trash! Zach recommends using current telephony technology to intercept callers like No Smoke, but Tom prefers to just use his GOMPing button. Zach gets things back on track by expressing love for the CDs, and Tom thanks FOT Sparkiepop for setting up the on-air meeting. Tom assures Zach that the Best Show listenership will ensure that Dog Bites Man's Nielson's get blazed.

- Last week's call about Internet addiction got Tom thinking about low points in life, such as clicking around Myspace for 13 hours a day, foregoing proper hygeine to sit in front of the television while eating Hot Pockets, or lounging on an orange crate while listening to doo- ... oh, wait. That guy's banned. I can't talk about him anymore. Tom wants to hear about the lows in listeners' lives.

- Jack from New Hampshire calls (starts at 2:40) to find out if Tom has ever consumed grouse, game hen, or pheasant. Tom has not eaten these birds. Jack then invites Tom to an open season bird hunt, which will feature him spinning techno, house, and jungle. Tom declares strike five for the event taking place in Coos county and then strike seven for Jack calling him "Tommy". Tom cuts him off due to idiocy and hopes that a stray bullet hits him while he's behind the turntables. Tom will be the trigger man, and this party invitation is now one of the lowest points in his life.

- Scott from Chicago calls (starts at 2:42) with a low point, although he doesn't think it can compete with Jack's shindig. His low is a weekend spent watching all 29 episodes of Twin Peaks. The Lynchian darkness sucked Scott in and sent him into a depressive funk. Scott also reveals that he's already seen The Da Vinci Code 30 times. Tom hasn't seen it, though he did view X- Men: The Last Stand. Scott saw it on opening night and thought it was horrible. He was freaked out by Kelsey Grammer's work as the Dr. Smurf, and Tom likes knowing that it took him nine hours to get into full makeup. Tom thinks the only good thing about Grammer is "Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs", the closing theme he performed for Frasier. I think the best thing about Kelsey Grammer is his amazing range as an actor, disappearing into so many disparate roles over the years.

- Josh from Hong Kong woke up early to call (starts at 2:47) and let Tom know that Monster in the Crawlspace is now in production with Wong Kar-wai at the helm. Josh made some casting changes, replacing the dead Tor Johnson with Jackie Chan and switching the love interest from Sandra Bernhard to Gong Li. He's anticipating a box office take of a billion dollars and has slightly altered the title so he doesn't have to give Tom a cut. (I don't think this will hold up in court.) Tom then achieves the high point in his life: setting the world record for longest-distance GOMP. New Jersey to Hong Kong! The Kid's on fi-uh and has no use for Asian malarkey.

- Dan, a retired cop in Morristown, calls (starts at 2:49) with a low point dating back 20 years when he and his wife were at their financial nadir. Depressed and penniless, Dan found a $20 bill on the floor and scooped it up. Since then, he's become a New Jersey land baron and owns seven homes worth a combined $5.6 million.

- Theme maestro Paycheck calls (starts at 2:53), and he and Tom riff about Bruce Springsteen. Paycheck's been on a Boss kick of late, and Tom points out that despite the fact that Springsteen recordings feature five guitars, all you can hear is drums, saxophone, and his voice. Tom recalls passing by the long lines for Bruce concert tickets as a kid, seeing a guy jumping around after he secured flaw seats. Paycheck's low point occurred while working a summer job in the garden center of the Canadian equivalent of Wal-Mart. One day, he was reading an Elmore Leonard novel during a shift when a guy strolled by with a garbage can. Two minutes later, the manager catches him reading the book and yells at him for missing the garbage man -- the can was filled with video games! Paycheck's better off now, confirming that Good Guys Win.

Here's my low point:

Totally bombing at ITU last year. I was so bad that Bobby threatened to put my performance on the DVD as a blooper Easter egg, but thankfully he didn't. I really have only myself to blame because I should have never trotted out my homage to Robert Schimmel set at an alt.comedy room. Once everyone realized that it wasn't some ironic deal with a looming twist, they turned on me hard. The lowest point of this low was getting heckled by Eugene Mirman. Silver lining: post-set consoling from the Variety Shac gals.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: 666! The Good Guys wage war with Lucifer and reduce him to a whimpering clump of soft-serve ice cream. This special show will feature a live in-studio performance by The String Cheese Incident, Tom's favorite jam band.

Time for a nice cup of hot soup. Omar OUT.

Ok, enough crazy talk: RIP, Mr. Paul Gleason. Grab some wood there, bub!

Posted by Omar at 4:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

I was going to make this link describing some of the tracks on DJ Shadow's upcoming album as a comment to one of the previous Shadow posts, but this picture by B+ is so great, I had to put it up proper.

Posted by DOP at 7:43 AM | Permalink | Comments

Bonus downloadable content!:
De La Soul - "Eye Know (The Know It All Mix)"

Posted by x amount at 12:49 PM | Permalink | Comments

This trailer for 30 Rock doesn't make it look as sitcom-y as I feared. The writer sessions with impression boy look to be especially fun.

Posted by x amount at 3:38 PM | Permalink | Comments

Set your TiVos with an hour or so overage time to catch tonight's Scripps National Spelling Bee finals. Prediction: Samir Patel will finally take home the title by properly spelling "recidivism."

Posted by x amount at 1:22 PM | Permalink | Comments