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The Story Of Everest.

"I get it! The ThemeWeavers have friends." -- Tom on Bay Area, theme song electioneering
"You'll get nothing, and like it." -- Judge Elihu Smails, in Caddyshack
"In the 18 years I've been doing this show, there's never been a home for braggarts." -- Tom to the mother of a Jewish teen who flaunted his bar mitzvah cash haul (not really)
"I hope these guys get expelled." -- Tom on the two Ithaca chowderheads who boldly bit his stylee
“I want Sky Stalker to have the very best.” -- Corey Harris Dinkins on his parenting approach for his three-year-old son
"No one knows us like Rupert does, at least that’s what he says." -- Corey on the return of Mother 13's manager
“I can’t wait to get up that hill.” -- Corey, underestimating the scope of the venue for his next gig
"You will leave people smiling every week." -- Mike the Associate Producer, justifying his promotion by praising the County Mounty outro

[TBSOWFMU - 5/2/06 / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

*Tom says "whoop-dee-doo" to the subscriber count jumping from three to 11 since last week. He's embarrassed, and if the number does not go through the ruff soon, he will pull it.

Mission of Burma - "Spider's Web"

( Click here to pre-order The Obliterati)

Calexico - "Letter To Bowie Knife"

( Click here to buy Garden Ruin)

The Little Killers - "Don't Leave Me"

( Click here to buy A Real Good One)

Tommy Keene - "Alta Loma"

( Click here to buy Crashing the Ether)

Jesu - "Dead Eyes"

( Click here to buy Silver)

Congrats to Tom for being named to VH-1's "Hot On The Radio" list!!! Here's the Top 10:

1. Marky Ramone
2. Greg from The Shark Tank (Go Steeluhs!)
3. Rick Valentin & Rose Marshack
4. Eddie Trunk
5. Alice Cooper
6. Tom Scharpling
7. Jim Rome, 'Mats enthusiast
8. Zoe Rogers
9. Hugh Hamilton
10. DJ Varo from 106 VIC's Cool Runnings

Annotated highlights of this unique specialty show with its own personality -- still going strong after nearly two decades:

- Tom considers (starts at 26:21) disqualifying the ThemeWeavers for violating the McCain-Feingold-Scharpling-Prefontaine Campaign Finance Reform bill (passed by the Newbridge Congress last year) by getting plants to send five messages supporting their theme entry. After a brief consultation with Mike the Associate Producer, Tom decides to let them remain in the contest since the campaign laws were never explicitly stated on the air. In general, Tom prefers a classier approach that lets the material do the talking, and he expected better behavior from the city of San Francisco.

After months of theme song entries, it was time for (starts at 33:43) the final McFlurry. Tom predicted that two entries would lapse into the My Brother And Me theme, but it didn't surface until later in the show when the winners were announced. The final nine jams:

1. Key Wild and Mr. Clark's "Get Off My Phone"

2. Samuel Powers Rhythm 3's "Tom Sucks". This entry forwent any attempt at winning by employing a computerized voice to zing Tom with his own FOT Pledge and concluding by wondering what's so funny about mirth, music, and mayhem. Tom can take it.

3. Jay's "The Best Show Theme". Jay is a member of the Tom-approved band, The Sea Navy.

4. MBM Enterprises's “FTS”. Tom hopes that the "F" doesn't stand for something he can't play on the radio and predicts it will be a fakeout. He also wonders if it will tell him things about himself that he doesn't want to know, like a Clinton-era horror movie. Turns out to be a non-scary clip-based theme.

5. Webmaster’s Faffer drops “Tom Made An Archive Out Of Me”. This one has some Lollipop Guild-y vocal action, and Tom's thinks it's the best of his 28 entries.

6. “Best Show Roadhouse Mix”, all the way from from Vancouver, Canada. Tom drops some Vancouver trivia: it's free of litter and housed the studio where Bon Jovi recorded Slippery When Wet. Good use of voicover legend Kendrick Martin in this theme.

7. Danny G’s “Make No Bones About It” . Contest is ova! The WINNER. This one is kind of a mixture of Tom Waits and Patton Oswalt’s slowed-down Chipmunks impression.

8. Thanks to Mr. Paycheck’s lady friend, appropriately named Mrs. Paycheck, the Toronto duo's theme gets in at the last second. Tom doesn’t like it. He LOVES it.

9. Outside Man's "Feeling Like A Creature". Yeah!

Tom cuts the contest off and starts solicting some feedback to aid his tough decision. Mike the Associate Producer puts in a good word for Paycheck, DT, and County Mounty, and then Tom opens up the phones.

- A caller tells (starts at 1:01) Tom that the middle section of the Outside Man theme made him sound real smart and authoritative, much like Ted Knight. Tom suspects a connection to Dan from Outside Man, but the caller denies it, admitting only to knowing a janitor by that name. Tom issues a GOMP in the name of sad electioneering, a blatant play to his vanity by comparing him to his hero. If Tom could be any character in movie history, it would be Judge Smails. No Han Solo for Tom. Me? Either Marty McFly, David Lightman, or the original Augustus Gloop.

- A caller wants (starts at 1:05) Tom to run through all 40 entries so he can deliver an informed vote. The caller dazzled Tom with his multi-tasking feat of driving a car, talking on one of those stupid Bluetooth things, checking his Hotmail account, eating licorice, and doing a very strong Dr. Evil impression. Tom declares him almost the most fascinating person he's ever talked to, kind of like Captain Jack as a land lover. He then asks Tom if he’s accusing him of being a pirate, Tom decides he hates him, and gives him the gentle Get. Off. My. Phone.

- A 16-year-old Jewish kid (starts at 1:12) informs Tom that his Tuesday night sessions at Hebrew High caused him to miss a lot of the contest entries. However, he still wants to make his mark and assures Tom he's not a plant. While he's not good enough to vote since he only heard the Outside Man theme, he honestly liked the submission. He's also one of the 11 proud podcast subcribers, and Tom wants him to teach his classmates about the glory of the Best Show pod. He claims he's not an evangelist, and even if he was, it would be a lost cause since his peers lack the right saichel to subscribe. Tom thinks he should fulfill his passage into manhood and not just view his Bar Mitvah as a payday. Since he's a class act, he opted against a themed Bar Mitzvah, but some people wore suits, so an unintentional Men In Black II theme erupted. I found a picture from the ceremony on his Myspace page. At this point, he begins bragging about the amount of money he got (not really) and starts whispering the obscene tallies to Tom. I think I heard him say $4.5 million (he didn't actually say that). His mother starts making a racket in the background, so Tom wants to talk to her. He commends her parenting, and she lets Tom know that her son is a big Best Show fan.

Tom asked her if she beats her son, and she says she has to use violence so he will do her bidding. She picks bamboo switches from the back yard and uses them to beat, slap, and poke him. Tom tells her about her son's bragging, which she finds gross and disgusting. Tom can't relate to such loot since he's not one of the chosen people -- he's one of the slobs. For his Communion, he got $50 and some $1 McDonald's gift certificates. Tom took this as a valuable lesson and realized that he had to earn his keep in life, unlike her fancypants son.

Tom thinks she should freeze him out and make him realize what real work is about. Since he's about the right age to start gathering shopping carts, Tom tinks a job as a lot attendant at The Home Depot would be a good fit. Tom was shocked that he would bring up his finances and was a little disgusted that a nice conversation was marred with talk about money. His mother promises to address the issue with her son and thinks it's all very bizarre. However, she declares The Best Show's 18 years on the air to be "very groovy”. Tom thinks her son needs to learn some humility before calling again, and he recommends a Ghostface-approved strap whipping.


- Tom attacks (starts at 1:21) the The Best Show, a bottom-shelf, knock-off airing on Ithaca College's 106 VIC. Tom notes that DJs Justin and Bryan throw around CSB lingo like "extended talksets" and have hijacked his personality for their broadcasting gain. In addition to having the Dean of Students put a blemish on their permanent records, he wants people to make Justin and Bryan aware of that The Kid aka El Goodo is not happy. Tom demands a title change and formal apology to avoid a lawsuit.

Later, a caller who went to Ithaca told Tom that 106 VIC is the lame, second-tier station staffed with misfits that could not get on the main station, and its signal only extends to some of the dormitories. There was some planning to call the show, but the station has gone dark and merged with 92 WCIB until school resumes in the fall. I listened to a few minutes of WCIB and heard the DJ throw down the tagline of "the station for innovation" before playing P.O.D.'s "Alive", a single from their 2001 album. I was tempted to keep listening to see if they played Mother 13's "Wired".

- John from Bruce's old stomping grounds of Freehold calls (starts at 1:23) to thank Tom for lodging "Porcupine Pie" in his mind. He considers it to be very dangerous and compares it to the fatal hilarity in Monty Python's "The Funniest Joke In The World" sketch. Tom is compelled to sing it, undoubtedly increasingly its stranglehold on John's brain space. Tom then struggles to get John to say NAWlins like Kevin Spacey in Midnight in The Garden of Good and Evil.

- Amber in Chicago calls (starts at 1:26) during her first-ever live listen to the show. She's been dreaming about Tom's infidelity and wants to weigh in on the theme contest. She refreshes Tom's memory on Isothermal's quirky "Tuesday Night Stomp" and the soothing strains of Folk Star Bob's "Sit Back And See".


- Corey Harris from Mother 13 returns (starts at 1:35) to talk about the changes in his life since his rock 'n roll dreams did not not come through. Corey first called Tom back in July 2002 (he thought he was calling a Morning Zoo and called Tom "Bobzilla") when Mother 13 released their RCA debut, High-Dive, and were hitting the corporate-sponsored summer festival circuit. I actually saw Mother 13 at the Newbridge Arts Center on the Huggies "Fall Into Softness" tour and was not impressed -- they closed with an inept cover of "Crazy Train" and Corey unleashed endless, cringe-worthy banter ("Yo, Newbridge, we're gettin' ready to rock this bitch!"). At one point, he unsuccessfully attempted to crowd surf on a plank of plywood. In fairness to M13, they did have the extremely unenviable task of following blistering sets from Marcy's Playground and Seven Mary Three, so perhaps I should cut them some slack.

Tom reminds him of his past arrogance, such as claiming that Mother 13 would play 10 nights at Giants Stadium. Corey said those dates would have happened if Rupert, their manager, did not pull such a choke job and their publicist did not drop the ball. After getting dropped by RCA, things went into the dumper for Corey. He worked at Radio Hut, and then he got a job at the NC Orange Julius, where he may have served Tom at some point before he got fired. Corey doesn't want to get into the details of his termination, but says that Tom probably read about it in the police blotter under his real name. He can't really say what his real name is but then reveals it's Corey Dinkins, a less desirable stage name than Corey Harris. He can't say what he did to get fired, but then reveals that he "fluffed" in someone's drink. He did it to a few customers, but, as far as he knows, Tom was never victimized. Tom's disgusted.

As things bottomed out and he parted ways with both the label and Rupert, he realized that he got lost in the process of becoming a rock star. Corey admits to being arrogant and riding high when he first talked to Tom, but now he's driven by the art and the music, not by trying to become the next Kurt Cobain or Lenny Kravitz. He also married a total skeez named Sheila Larson, who completely took him to the cleaners financially. The high point of the relationshiop was having a son, the light of his life. He's now three years old and is named Sky Stalker, a reference to a character from The Transformers. Tom laments that Corey's one of those parents who gives their kids weird names that will cause them to endure years of ribbing. Corey is starting to find this out now because his original plans for Sky's schooling were thwarted. At the time of his birth, Corey was just days away from getting a solo deal and huge advance, which would allow him to send Sky to the Newbridge Day Academy, the crème de la crème of Newbridge's elite schools for the rich set. The NDA is a progressive, artistic school where the kids actually grade the teachers.

Corey figured that Sky Stalker would fit in there and rule the roost, but since the solo deal fell through, he had to send him to public preschool. He got beaten up on the first day, and Tom points out that it does not bode well for his high school years. After removing Sheila from his life, he has been home schooling Sky Stalker with a curriculum of Mandarin Chinese. Corey doesn't get the language, and Tom doesn't know why he is teaching Chinese to his three-year-old son. Corey informs Tom that this is standard parenting and that everyone does it. He also corrects Tom by noting that it's Mandarin Chinese and calls him a jerk for the omission.

While his son may be headed for lifelong mockery, Corey's creativity is flourishing. The original Mother 13 lineup is back, and he paid Rupert a lot of money to settle all the lawsuits and bring him back to the fold. His main reason for calling is to tell Tom about an incredible, international news event that Mother 13 will be involved in over the weekend. In a nutshell: Tom is talking to the lead singer of the first rock band to ever play Mt. Everest.

Tom doesn't know what he's talking about, and then clarifies that he knows the mountain, but doesn’t know how a rock group could play there. Corey tells Tom that the band will start climbing the 29,028 feet on Friday and will play on the tip on Sunday. Tom points out that if the band actually gets up there, they will have to deal with 1/3rd less oxygen. Corey is unphased because the band totally trained for weeks: lots of jogging at the Newbridge High track and climbing the 20-foot, indoor wall at the NC Go Climb A Rock. Corey estimates that he scaled the wall about eight times. To approximate the increased altitude of Everest, the band would climb the wall, grab some beers at Los Amigos, and return to climb the wall some more before doing more partying. Corey has also been doing 300 sit-ups a day and is totally cut. Tom is skeptical that increased abdominal muscle tone is a priority for embarking on such a grueling feat of endurance.

Corey says the concert is sort of part of a promotion, but is mainly a bonding experience for the reunited band members. Some other people will join them on the trek: their two roadies, Toad and Nubby, two guys from the PA company, an eight-person film crew, three sound guys, and some special guests who will jam with Mother 13 for a song or two each. Tom reminds him that he will only have about 30 minutes to exist at the peak, but Corey thinks he can extend that by using big oxygen tanks that will be hauled up the mountain. Corey is a little concerned about 70-year-old Buddy Guy, but he thinks Travis Barker will do well. Other guests include Art Alexakis from Everclear, Clarence Clemons, and The Polyphone Spree, who are now up to 38 members.

The event will include a warm-up comedy set from Darren Cook, Dane's younger brother. Due to time constraints, Tom recommends that he just tell a single knock-knock joke. He's not sure that Corey understands how dangerous a voyage he is about to undertake. Corey was assured that everything will be fine by Ricky, the sherpa hired for the band by Summit Cola, who is sponsoring the event. Summit Cola is a new power drink from KernCo's food division, and Corey provides the details of the sweet deal: they pay for everything as long as Mother 13 plays the show, plants the Summit Cola flag on the peak, and inflates a 60-foot soda bottle, affixing it to the mountain.

Tom tells Corey that he will not be able to complete all of the tasks, but Corey retorts: "We are so." Corey says the best thing is that the show will be totally simulcast on the Web at Summit Roxx. He will participate in a live chat before, during, and after the concert with host Brain Dunkleman. Tom politely requests that Corey rethink the event, but the wheels are already in motion. In fact, Rupert already granted Katie Couric the first interview, but Corey offers Tom the first radio interview this time next week. Tom gladly accepts.

Corey is already in Nepal and intends to start some acclimation exercises on Friday after a Thursday night of partying. Tom wonders what Corey has lined up for substenance, and Corey tells him that he has 300 Summit power bars minus 20 already eaten by Clarence Clemons. Tom recommends more, and Corey hopes that Summit can FedEx some since Nepal has no shops for snacks. Ricky told them that some people have died during the quest, but that is because they failed to hire him. Corey doesn't like the doubtful tone of Tom's voice, and Tom can't figure out why he would follow up a newfound apprecation for art and music with a dangerous stunt. Corey predicts that Tom will eat his words when he’s the most famous guy in the world in the most famous band in the world. Tom offers him a sincere wish to "Be safe", but Corey tells him not to worry because the sit-ups have done their job. Corey is much more worried about all the crow Tom will have to eat.

- Larry the Perv (starts at 2:01) gets Tom to play the "Nice or Not So Nice" game:

Scarlett Johansson: Nice

Michael Rapaport: Not So Nice

Maggie Gyllenhaal: Nice

Jake Gyllenhaal: Nice

Jamie Foxx: Not So Nice (Foxx is Larry’s fave actor due to his work in Any Given Sunday and Ray)

Denzel Washington: Nice

Halle Berry: Not So Nice (as celebrity) / Nice (as pretty lady)

Ashton Kutcher: Not So Nice

Demi Moore: Not So Nice due to Kutcher associaton

Rob Pickle: [withdrawn]

Ron Howard: Nice

Henry Winkler: Nice

Larry halts the game to express his enjoyment of Tom’s hott new new Myspace picture. Tom drove the GGW bus the past three weekends, but signed a no-talk clause so he can’t relay any radio-appropriate stories.

Larry then falls back on his pervy past by continuing the game with a trio of featured actresses: Tawny Roberts (withdrawn), Tera Patrick, and Jenna Jameson. Tom ends the game due to the dirty talk, but still congratulates Larry for staying on the air for more than 30 seconds and running a good game for a while. Larry hopes to work his way up to a regular segment called "Larry's Debate Corner", which Tom pencils in for a show in 2350. Tom speculates that Larry's arc could be similar to MC Steinberg's rise from quick GOMPs to a Ben Wallace-esque franchise player. The reference reminds Tom to go to NBA.com to get an update on the Nets vs. Pacers game that almost caused him to abort the show so he could see it live. Tom has Nets fever.

Larry calls back to thank Mike the Associate Producer for his role in getting him on the air. Tom's not so sure he's crazy about a potential Mike-Larry side deal. He hopes he does not hear Larry on the air with Justin and Bryan on 106 VIC.

- The theme contest is over and Tom is ready to reveal the winners (starts at 2:28), but not before Tony, the ringleader of ThemeWeavers, Limited Liability Corp in San Fran, checks in discuss the commotion caused by the late-innings electioneering. Tom informs him that the Bay Area scene could use an extra dose of dignity and austerity, but Tony assures Tom that the campaigners are some of the biggest certified Best Show fanatics on the West Coast and did their homework by reviewing all of the entries prior to sending the missives. Tom questions the magic that occured to direct all of them to the entry recorded by their friends, and Tony admits that since their entry was submitted early in the contest, they did not want to get lost in the shuffle. Tony thinks the e-mail ruckus was justified and concedes power to Tom's meritocracy. Tom wants Tony to remain on the line to hear the winner -- Danny G's "Make No Bones About It". Tom then tells Tony that it was not in fact the winner, which leads to an amusing, self-inflicted GOMP: Tom recites the tune's refrain of "Get off my bone", which Tony misconstrues as a directive to disconnect the call.

A mixup allows Asia's "Heat Of The Moment" to briefly sneak into the winner's circle, followed by Tom's heartfelt appreciation for all of the entries. He's humbled and taken aback by the talent of his audience. Tom's ready to declare the winner, but there's another Asia intrusion, this time it's "Only Time Will Tell". Tom's ready to get serious and declare the real winner: one of the many "My Brother And Me" ruses. Enough is enough.

Mike the Associate Producer helped Tom realize that there isn't always just one best entry, much like the logo contest, which had three winners. Tom lays out the 19 winners:

The show will start with something to set the mood and help Tom get his head in the game: Chris L's "The People's Theme". With the table set, Tom will rotate the formidable trio of Shock The Claw, DT, and the last-minute entry from Mr. and Mrs. Paycheck. Tom's sick of his bed music, so after the first set of rock records, the show proper will now begin with ThemeWeavers LLC's "The Best Theme for The Best Show".

Finally, Tom needs to end the show with message, and nothing stirred him more than County Mounty's anthemic "Good Guys Win (Bad Guys Die)", which guarantees a triumphant ending to the show, obliterating the submarine attacks by the likes of Captain Jack and Seafaring Willis. The song will also make you want to punch bad guys. Tom is confident that the new songs will give the show a better flow and inspire him with their juiciness. OCDJ and Officer Tom call to commend Tom for his selections, with the latter giving 5 out of 5 bullets to the Paycheck entry. DT checks in to accept his award for Best Adapted Screenplay.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:

Corey returns to tell the story of the story of the story of Everest. (I scoured the Web but could not find any news stories on the historic show.)

Fairport Convention - "Who Knows Where The Time Goes"

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