Cosby Bebop
With the bipin' and the boppin'
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May 31, 2006
Almost.
An early Harmony Korine-Larry Clark short film? Documentary on the original Leon Phelps? Either way, you best believe it tingles.
Oh, that heavenly bacon. #006:
Double duh.
Except for a few years after we moved from TX to GA and it wasn't available yet, I've been eating a bowl of Homemade Vanilla every night since I was a kid.
May 30, 2006
A mutant is very dangerous to you, because he flies at you and shOOts you.
So Kid Koala beat the Beastie Boys to this record? High score!
[via that site that sent all those commenters that one day.]
What ith your query? #007:
Excuse. Excuse.
The guest on this Belgian talk show was the victim of a botched surgery in which his testicles were removed:
[note: Even if this is some fake-o overseas Mentos dealy (someone please prove it real!), it's still good.]
The Usual Gang of Idiots.
"Pay up." -- Tom, requesting that Elastica throw the members of Wire some of their hair gel loot
"You’re dropping a bomb on me here, buddy." -- Tom after finding out about MAD magazine
"Help me." -- Trent L. Strauss, alive but not necessarily well
"[Foreign language], [foreign language], [foreign language], Paul Simon." -- A native, recognizing the marauding musicologist
"What, are you getting paid by the note?" -- Tom to the overplaying Danger Mouse and Cee-Lo
"I promise that the poetry I’m going to read is not toilet mouth. It’s clean and it’s family-friendly. I could read this poetry to my grandma." -- Mike from Wet Rat, before reading his haiku
"If this show was Otto Preminger, that would be Skidoo." -- Tom on a bizarre call from Laura, Wet Rat's manager
"I believe everybody’s equal, Tawm." -- Larry, feminist crusader
"Oh my god, dude. Are you still feeling it?" -- Darren from Work, asking Tom if he's still high from their Battle of the Bands victory
"Why the hell did I ever doubt that I could be a rock star?" -- Darren, delusional from a brief taste of minor stardom on the corporate stage
"Kim says I should get my you-know-what pierced." -- Darren, recounting an accessory request from his mistress
“It would be bad news if this stuff was made public.” -- Darren on his collection of erotic paintings
“Oooh, what a wonderful theater." -- Robin Williams on the UCB, his new comedy home
[TBSOWFMU - 5/23/06 / Podmirth* [subscribers = 20] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]
*Three new subscribers since last week, but the numbers remain "shamefully low". Tom grovels and says that the the blue wire will be pulled the second week of June unless the numbers improve.
Three heists for Tuesday!
Wire - "I Am The Fly"
Elastica - "Line Up"
Wire - "Three Girl Rhumba"
Elastica - "Connection"
The Stranglers - "No More Heroes"
Elastica - "Waking Up"
Bonus thievery:
Elastica - "Stutter"
I couldn't find the 7" for digital transfer, but I assure you that "Stutter" is a total rip-off of "Mongoose", a song I wrote while in a college band called Loose Cannon. We mainly did Let's Active, Spin Doctors, The Feelies, and Anthrax covers (I put on the headdress for "Indians" just like Joey Belladonna!), but we also released several influential singles that did fairly well in the tri-state area, getting some burn on WFMU. We've been name-checked by Karen Orzolek in Spin and Thurston Moore was known to put us on mix tapes. Bobby Christgau gave the track "Choice Cuts" status in his Consumer Guide column, saying: "Punk-pop as self-consciously noncanonical market ploy, wound tight as a methedrine high. I love LC's bright, tough veneer and hectic sexuality. I'll happily get juiced on their quick charge." A little creepy, but we were very grateful, and it led to selling out of our initial press run of 25 copies. If you're interested, the single pops up on eBay from time to time. It's "Mongoose" b/w "Soaked" (1994, GOMP! Records). Yellow vinyl!
I made the mistake of playing the song on my acoustic guitar when Justine Frischmann visited my dorm during the fall semester of my sophomore year. We'd met the previous summer when I was in England working as a ball boy at Wimbledon. (Boris Becker said I was the best ball retriever and towel getter he'd ever seen. The Duchess of Kent agreed.) We stayed in touch, and she hopped across the pond to see me when she was taking a break from writing the Elastica debut. We did rails (+ other things) and everything seemed great, but then it became really weird and she started acting like a total bee-otch. I ended up getting knocked unconsicous by Damon Albarn (he wielded a bejewled scepter) outside of a club in NYC, waking up the next morning in front of Toad's Place in New Haven. I later found out that she also hooked up with our drummer (he looked like fading Yankees hurler Randy Johnson at the peak of his mulleted glory) and my 66-year-old History professor. After that, I soured on Brits and focused my romantic attention on America's girl next door: Juliana Hatfield. I'd rather not get into the details, but I will say that I still have a restraining order against her. And at the time, she claimed she could land us a deal with Mammoth Records and that sure as hell never materialized. I recently contacted labels about releasing a compilation of the entire Loose Cannon catalog, but no takers yet. I got Gerard Cosloy's number from Byron Coley (he agreed to do the liner notes), so I called him last week to make sure he got our letter. He was clearly annoyed and said: "Leave me alone, I'm watching the Mets game." He hung up. Jerk.
Juliana Hatfield - "Universal Heart-Beat"
Annotated highlights of a show best described with the word "wheeee":
- Tom from Brooklyn calls (starts at 24:36) to inform Tom that “the usual gang of idiots” is originally from the masthead of something called "MAD magazine". Tom doesn’t know what that is, and the caller thinks he's feigning ignorance. However, Tom honestly has no idea what he's talking about. Tom recalls the MAD film, Up The Academy, and knows the sketch comedy television show, but is unfamiliar with any periodical under the MAD umbrella. Tom asks if it’s an entertainment publication like Premiere or Movieline, and the caller says it not real entertainment news -- it's a humor magazine filled with mostly cartoons (“funny pages stuff”, as Tom says). The caller mentions Cracked, which Tom has heard of, and says that it was an imitation of MAD. The caller still can’t believe Tom is seriously ignorant about the magazine, but Tom confirms that he very much is.
Tom is surprised that the magazine pre-dates the television show because he assumed that it was a companion piece with articles about the cast. The caller explains that the magazine started in 1952 as a parody of old superhero comics, before moving on to advertising spoofs, and then movie satires. The caller references Elvis Costello Horror Comics (known as Eric Clapton Comics in some collecting circles), which prompts Tom to reference Creepshow. The caller tells him that the film was a tribute to the EC Comics. Tom becomes understandably confused because one of the actors in Creepshow was named EG Marshall. At this point, the caller starts being really silly and Tom threatens to move on if he does not get back on track and stop making things up. He can’t provide any good examples about the magazine's content so Tom GOMPs him because the show is not a haven for lying.
- Trent L. Strauss calls (starts at 29:24) and Extreme Cinema fans all over the world breathe a huge sigh of relief. Trent survived the Everest debacle, but he appears to still be in considerable peril and asks Tom for help. Trent is only able to say a few words: “Avalanche. Buried. It took us all.” He thought Corey died, but Tom tells him that he's alive. Trent's upset by the news and refers to Corey as “that little creep”. Tom asks him if he's back in the United States and Trent responds with the non-answer of “snow everywhere, still” before hanging up. Tom suspects that Trent is still buried under the avalanche’s wall of snow somewhere within the hill. Hopefully Trent will be rescued in time to attend the Belgian film festival where he's set to receive a much-deserved award for Face Peelers 3.
Tom and Mike the Associate Producer are impressed by Trent’s patience since he went through the normal screening process before getting on the air and pleading for assistance. I hope the harsh conditions don't turn Trent blind or even something else:
Also: the stripping sherpa!
- Tom wants to know (starts at 31:20) whether Wire was ever compensated for the Elastica rips and plays samples of "Three Girl Rhumba" and "Connection" to confirm the similarities. FOT Sparkiepop informs Tom that they did not get paid, but she's later corrected by an e-mail from a member of the band called Carp Brain. There was in fact an out-of-court settlement between the bands’ respective publishing companies. As Pimp City’s Big Money might say: Wire got pizz-aid! For the record, I never received any compensation from Elastica, unless you count a brief e-mail from Justine that read "All pop bands have borrowed ideas and all music is eventually recycled. Quit your whingeing, Omar." Like I said earlier: stone cold bee-otch.
Tom inducts Elastica into the Best Show Hall of Shame and puts them next to Paul Simon's exhibit. Tom heard some tracks from his new album and declares it "bad news". Tom sings a lyric (“Who’s gonna love you when your looks are gone”) and is surprised that Simon could not find another group of people to rip off. Tom pictures Paul traveling the world with a tape recorder, capturing the given foreign culture’s musical offerings . He’ll stumble upon a native who recognizes him and then he's forced to flee the area and board his plane to consult a map for another strange land to harvest for new sounds.
Some FOT chatters criticize Tom for what they perceive as stale Elastica/Wire riffage (this topic obviously hits close to home for me, so I applaud Tom for bringing it up), so he recaptures the zeitgeist by declaring that Gnarls Barkley’s St. Elsewhere stinks. Tom purchased it and found the awesome “Crazy” and a whole lot of filler that's not even worthy of an Unfair Record Review. Tom recommends avoiding it at all costs and would rather hear a Charles Barkley record. Who wouldn't? Sir Charles' little-heard 1993 album, The Round Mound of Sound, remains one of the decades most underrated releases and the marketing wizards at Geffen really dropped the ball on the promotion. Think Up On The Sun-era Meat Puppets mixed with effective doses of early Geto Boys. The label apparently was never pleased with Steve Albini's abrasive mix, but not even a glossy touch-up by Scott Litt could make a hit out of the first single, "I Am Not A Role Model". Trivia tidbit: Barkley and Kurt Cobain share a birthday.
Here's some hott Charles jams:
Tom's primary criticism of the Gnarls record is that they drop five notes when one will do, joining the ranks of overplayers like Frank Zappa, George Clinton, or Joe Satriani. Tom thinks these guys should ease up on the gas pedal and realize that a single note sometimes does the job. Tom's very disappointed because he hoped that he could slather on some SPF 69 sunscreen and have a summer of sonic fun with St. Elsewhere. If CD’s were softer, he'd clip it to the spokes of his tall bike and let it flutter in the wind. I hope that Tom at least respects what they’re doing.
Mr. Bungle - "Love Is A Fist"
Joe Satriani - "Satch Boogie"
Gnarls Barkley - "Transformer"
- Tom promotes and praises (starts at 37:37) these very recaps. Thanks, Tom! Tom says that he now does the show because he looks forward to reading the recap. While this is a tremendous compliment, I think we all know the real reason that Tom does the program: so he can talk hoops with Larry the Perv. Tom suggests doing a recap of a show that didn’t happen. The faux show would then be recreated on the air based on the recrap. Blooper reel!
- Two people gave Tom the one-gun salute while he was driving around town in the past week. (During this segment Tom was flipped off by Noah through the studio glass.)
1. A guy driving a big truck vrooms past Tom, showing him his middle finger. Tom suspects it was because the driver had a George Bush bumper sticker on his car and objected to Tom's energy-conscious hybrid.
2. Tom was stuck in traffic on the Garden State Parkway, which annoyed a guy behind him who wanted to go fast. He apparently thought that Tom's car had an Inspector Gadgetmobile or some other special features allowing him to elevate over or swerve around the 8,000 other motionless cars in front of him.
Tom tells all aspring bird flippers that it's going to be a long, hot summer and they should keep the road rage in check and not fight with each other on the highways. The only interesting flip-off story I have is getting a double-bird from Rick Springfield at a concert in Florida two years ago.
- A guy calls (starts at 44:49) to complain about not being able to get WFMU when he's in the tunnel at the Port Authority. Tom recognizes the low-energy, marble-mouthed stammering -- it's No Smoke, last heard spinning a fantastical yarn about some hunger march. The website he mentioned during his last call is now active, but Tom simply cannot trust anything he says. Since No Smoke claims to be fighting world hunger, Tom suspects that the worldwide hunger issues has been completely resolved. No Smoke does an odd segue into something about Kris Kristofferson to avoid the topic at hand. He also disses the new Ray Davies record, which makes Tom think that it's probably great. No Smoke tries to blame mental illness on his weird behavior, not unlike Vito trying to give Tony Soprano a doctor's note in order to get back in his good graces. Tom GOMPs him.
- Mike, a 17-year-old (on his next birthday, he'll be 18) from Cornwall, calls (starts at 50:04) to talk about his WFMU-influenced band, Wet Rat, and read some unrelated poetry on the air. Tom had his finger poised above the GOMP button, but became strangely intrigued by the band name. Mike describes Wet Rat as the most ridiculous music imaginable, especially the outlandish lyrics by Little Dill. After pledging that the poem is suitable for on-air recitiation, Mike reads his haiku:
I see the cold air
The cold grass on my hand
Heinie
Wow, I’m drunk on WFMU
Tom pleased that he and the station might have something to do with the success of Wet Rat and hopes they won’t forget them when they make it big. Tom wants to put Wet Rat in a Smash or Trash segment, and Mike thinks it’s “ridiculously awesome”. He says "word", and Tom can think of a few words in response, but he will not say them because he’d be hypocritically toilet-mouthed as a result. One word is “you” and it’s connected to another word that Tom can’t articulate on the air. Some FOT chatters want to vote for Smash or Trash based simply on the call, which Tom disallows. Tom does prefer Wet Rat to the bush-league, lightweight, soft-serve Gnarls Barkley album. Mike the Associate Producer gives Mike from Wet Rat the mailing address for sending the CD.
- Jeff from Middletown calls (starts at 56:14) to thank Tom for saving him from an emotionally fragile girl who sat in the adjoining cubicle during his IT internship last semester. She would not stop babbling about her troubles, so he tuned her out by listening to Best Show archives on his headphones. He will cry if the podcast is pulled. That’s all he’s got, so he graciously tells Tom to abort the call.
- Laura calls (starts at 58:39), and while she claims to be some random girl, she’s actually the manager/literary agent for Wet Rat. She's also dating their drummer and does all their promotional artwork. She pretends to be let down by the quality of the haiku and says she wants to wring Wet Rat’s neck just as Tom GOMPs her. This call is to The Best Show as Skidoo is to the Otto Preminger oeuvre.
- Ron from Westland, MI., follows up (1:00) on the MAD magazine confusion and instructs Tom to check out the About section on the official MAD magazine website. Tom looks forward to the educational experience and recognizes the weird-looking dude on the main page. Ron tells him that it’s Alfred P. Neuman, who Tom assumes is the host of the MAD TV show. Tom is puzzled by the image of Tom Hanks looking at a Mona Lisa that has Mr. Neuman’s face on it. Ron’s very giggly and Tom asks him if he’s been smoking pot. Ron denies it and says this is just his usual friendly demeanor. Tom thinks that’s fantastic and the world could use more people like Ron.
- Tim from Brooklyn encroaches (starts at 1:03) on Larry’s turf a bit by checking in with Tom about the NBA playoffs. Tom’s three for four on his predictions (though it must be noted that he picked the Pistons to “clobber” the Cavs), missing only the Heat-Nets series. He blames the Nets loss on the suspsension of Uncle Cliffie for using booger sugar. Tim doesn’t think Cliff would have made much of a difference, but Tom disagrees, citing his ability to spread out the offense and take advantage of the Heat’s weak perimeter defense. Tom’s sticking with the Pistons to win it all; Tim’s got the Mavs.
Tom attacks college basketball for being the domain of nerds where coaches are the stars. Tom prefers to cheer for players. While it took a while to come up with his name, Tom has no use for the hustle of Duke’s JJ Reddick, Bobby Hurley, Christian Laettner, Trajan Langdon, Chris Duhon Rudyesque guard Steve “WoJo” Wojciechowski, who’s currently one of Coach K’s underlings. As a result, Duke has set the all-time record for number of letters in the last names of a basketball coaching staff. Tom calls WoJo a dweeb and does not believe he could be the 12th man on the worst NBA franchise (i.e., the Knickerbockers). As a 5’ 10” white who plays basketball, Tim can relate to and live vicariously through players like this. Tom wonders why he would live through someone who's probably an inferior player. Tom compares it to doing the Best Show and then going home to live vicariously through Sean Hannity.
This call included an impromptut Build a Movie segment: Rudy II. Rudy is selected in the 85th round of the NFL draft and gets his faced mashed into the turf. He's told to clean out of his locker and go home.
- Mike from Wet Rat calls back (starts 1:10) to respond to Laura and reiterate that their songs have nothing to do with the poetry he read. He simply wanted to express himself to WFMU and, like Jim Croce, he needed to do it with his art. He then accuses Tim from Brooklyn of ripping off Tool by using the word “vicariously” since he had not heard anyone use it since the release of Tool’s new album. He had heard more intellectually people like intellect like people with intellect say it, and Tom tells him it’s incredibly damning to trip up on the word “intellect”. Mike says he’s nervous because he’s speaking to so many people.
Tom announcess that he’s a Wet Rat fan and he’s ready to hear their tunes. Mike says the songs they play try to change what people think of music -- their stream-of-conscious approach is highly original and can turn anything into a song. They even changed the "Happy Birthday" into something completely different. His friends in the background are causing a ruckus by turning the radio up too loud, and it turns out that they are also in Wet Rat. One of them is the drummer and the other is Dylan, their Jim Steinman-like hitmaker, who also acts out their songs when they play them. I think Wet Rat is just a $6,000 Myspace page and a few well-placed demos away from being the toast of the .mp3 blog circuit. Wet Rat wins in 2006!
- Larry calls (starts 1:13) to apologize for single-handedly ruining the show the last time he called. Tom assures him that he simply ruined a stretch of it since it takes a team effort to truly ruin the entire show. This is another wildly uneven call from Larry, suggesting that he’s simply not ready for primetime. He’s the WoJo to Tom’s Lebron James -- a lot of hustling, but not enough juice. With better preparation and tighter focus, he may be able to remain on solid ground.
Larry tries to win Tom back with a 20-20 Sports Flash on the Miami-Detroit game, and he’s still pumping Larry’s Debate Corner. Tom had previously vetoed his proposed pornography topic, so Larry broadens the spectrum to strippuhs. Tom declines, and Larry then comes up with double standards for women and men. This one gets Tom since he wants to hear Larry’s take on the topic. The cracking sound dissipates and Larry walks out on sturdy Rockefeller Center ice filled with other skaters. Larry thinks that women have it a lot harduh in the business world out there, and he doesn’t think that women should be called names for being promiscuous. Tom tells Larry that he sounds like the liberal, even-handed Alan Alda. Larry, however, can't keep it going and scares the skaters away. He wants to make a cawment about a movie remake he’s interested in greenlighting: A League of Their Own 2006. He’s replacing Madonner with Halle Berries and Rosie O’Donald with Angelina Jolie. Yeah.
Tom tells him that last Sunday night, Vito was on the same Rockefeller Center ice and a day later they found him dead. Tom sees parallels between Vito’s demise and this call. Tom then starts an analogy that involves Larry getting a cup of coffee and tasting its glory. Before Tom can continue, Larry questions where the coffee came from (Dunkin’ Donuts, 7-11, etc.), and the request for specificity pulls Tom back in. Tom points out that Larry’s calls are a series of second-by-second vacillations between intrigue and repulsion. Larry refers to winning Tom over as a “second wind” and loses Tom again. Larry tries an example of an unbalanced hammock on a hot summer day, which Tom could go either way on. Tom gives him credit for improving, and Larry retorts with a Michael Scott-inspired “that’s what the ladies say”, yielding a GOMP.
- Darren from Work (starts at 1:38) makes his first call to the show since the cooling off period in his friendship with Tom. As you recall, this was prompted by Tom being unable to put a positive spin on Darren and two other Consolidated Cardboard associates conspiring to bronze him inside a soundproofed "El Grande" box and leave him for dead outside the office back in January 2005. With things patched up, Darren checks in to see if Tom is still high from their victory at the corporate Battle of the Bands competition last Friday. Tom's still excited, and Darren is so wired he hasn't slept since then.
The event featured eight different companies fielding bands and squaring off against each other. The bands included Darren and Tom's The Consolidated from Newbridge, a band from Tribridge, an ad agency from Oldbridge, McKinley-Severson from Upper East Westbridge (their main competion), and a farm equipment place from Redbridge. Tom thought it was kinda fun, while Darren honestly thinks it was the greatest night of his life, giving him a taste of the rock spotlight and a boost of confidence about his frontman abilities.
The Consolidated's lineup for the show was:
Tom on bass
Darren holding it down on lead guitar and vocals
Rick on rhythm guitar
Todd on drums
Milt (“Dr. Keys”) on keyboard
Kim on tambourine (“keeping the scene percussive”)
Darren asks Tom if he saw the jerks from McKinley-Severson singing along to the chorus when Darren was doing “Taking Care Of Business”. Darren could have died right there and felt like “damn Mick Jagger”. His control of the audience made him feel like Robert Plant on top of the Riot House (as depicted in Almost Famous) declaring himself a Golden God. Darren says he felt like a Graying God or, as Tom suggests, a Cardboard God. The event has made Darren seriously question his path in life, and he wonders why he bothered going to college and wasting his time with 15 years of "corporate b.s." Tom was more into the charity aspect of the event, which was to raise money for a Music for Teens program.
Darren asks Tom for his take on all the chicks from Accounting who were going nuts even though they’d never give Darren the time of day otherwise. During “Jump”, Darren swears he could have gone into the crowd and done all of them. Tom didn’t have the same mindset during the performane. Darren, who's married with two kids, ended up doing it with Kim after the show. Darren tells Tom that this is acceptable becaue his marriage to Helen is dissolving and he moved in with Kim last Sunday. Darren thinks that sometimes destiny comes in one moment and everything changes -- despite the inevitable growing pains, you have to ride the wave. Darren is confident that his kids, Mindy and Greg, will understand that their daddy needs to fully take the plunge into rock music. Darren does not think that trying to get people to buy cardboard boxes is where he needs to be at this point in his life. Tom is baffled that a four-song set (and a jam) as part of a lone rocking night has led Darren to make these sudden changes, but Darren said the contest made him fully realize his true calling. He thinks Tom needs to be in the same place.
Darren tells Tom that this is just the start as they are about to embark on a tour. Ty, the guy who was running monitors at the battle, said they were great. Ty is an authority on music since he was a member of White Tiger, the biggest band ever from Newbridge. They signed to a major label, but fizzled out because their publicist dropped the ball. Tom did not realize it was him, but Darren explains that he had to shave his head because he went real bald. He had to retain his coolness a la Jason Bonham and Scott Ian, whose bald domes can now been seen on VH-1's Supergroup series. Ty is certain that the band is bound for glory, and Darren think it's now or never -- at 44 years old, he can't let his dream slip by.
He wants Tom to quit his job and come live with Darren, Kim, and the other band members, who have all already quit their CC jobs (Kim was just a temp). Earlier in the day, Darren e-mailed Old Man Dalrymple to tell him that his life has taken a different turn and that he has to follow the dream. Darren doesn’t understand why Tom is being such a downer and speculates that it’s because Darren and Kim are lovers. Tom is incredibly uncomfortable with all of it, and thinks Darren is talking like a crazy man. He reminds Darren that he was only on stage for 20 minutes, performing "Taking Care of Business", "Jump", and "Basket Case". After a jam, Darren put on his costume and afro wig, closing out the set with an Outkast song. Tom said that Darren went off-book with that stunt, but Darren said he had to do something to try to top McKinley’s use of a cannon during “For Those About To Rock”. Tom doesn’t think he had to do something racist, and Darren assures him that while he put on some stuff that darkened his face, it was not intentional blackface. Tom's not happy about it, but Darren says they’ll just work it out in upcomig band meetings.
Tom finds it hard to believe that the band members are going to quit their jobs and risk financial stability on the longshot of rock stardom. Rick's the VP of Customer Relations making in excess of $160k/year, Todd is married with triplets on the way, and Milt can barely play his keyboard due to arthritis and plans to retire at year's end.
Darren is most worried about Todd because he’s getting heavy and needs to lose 30 pounds to be up on the big stages. He think Milt just needs cortisone shots before gigs. Tom thinks they might not want to be on the big stage and would rather just continue working. Darren disagrees because they tasted it.
Darren says that Tom was a God up there and Rupert agrees. Rupert Threadwell is their new manager, secured by Darren on Friday night after the show. Rupert was watching off to the side of the stage, wearing an ascot and smoking a pipe. Tom saw him but thought he was some bank president. Rupert was blown away and he knows what he’s doing because he's managed tons of big bands over the years. He gave Darren an index card with his Newbridge-heavy roster of clients: Mother 13, Pout, The Gas Station Dogs, Sister Sheila, Barbershop Sweat, Kenny Dupree, The Gorch, White Reign, I-ron’s Reggae Challenge, The Hey Now, Old Skull, Brett Haskins’ The Clash, Hippy Johnny and The Original Hippy Band, Punk (ft. Mike Jackyl), Glass Houses, and Reggie Monroe and The Survivors.
Rupert rocketed them to stardom and he will do the same for Hell Toupee, which is the new band name that Darren thinks is brilliant. Tom thinks it’s the worst name he’s ever heard, and Darren's irritated that Tom’s being such a stick in a mud. Rupert said the name will suck a lot of people in and look good on the Billboards chart. Rupert actually registered the name in the late 80s and has been holding onto it until the right band came along. Darren says that Rupert promised to get them on Myspace and Friendster so Darren paid him $6,000 to do it. Tom doesn’t understand why they could not have done that for free like everyone else in the world, but Darren doesn’t think that anyone could do that since it’s a website. Rupert will also get them prominent placement on Myplace.com, which is where the big dogs run. Tom’s never heard of it, and Rupert told Darren it’s a more exclusive portal, but he can grease the wheels with his network of connections.
Rupert said it takes a lot of money to get places, a theory that is backed up by his 45-page "mega-pamphlet", How To Make It Big In The Rock Music Scene By Somebody Who Already Has, which he sold to Darren for $65. Tom doesn't understand why he's spending good money for things that are insane, while Darren thinks it’s insane that they are not doing originals like Rupert recommends. Darren finds the songwriting process easy and has written four original songs since Friday. He called Rupert earlier in the day to run a new song by him, and he flipped, saying it would totally hit the top of the Billboards. While he doesn't have his mother axe handy, Darren's willing to sing a portion of "Little Lover Girl", a song inspired by his relationship with Kim. It’s ballady, but will get heavy at some point when Tom starts working his fuzz pedals. Darren busts it out:
People will say a love is never gonna last
But when I lay you down on my big oak bed
I know it’s gonna be forever
There’s no other lover for you, my little lover girl
Rupert thinks it’s chart-bound, but Tom doesn't care for it. Darren wants to know what Tom's favorite part was, but Tom prefers to cite his least favorite part: the "big oak bed". Darren can't believe he didn't like that phrase. Rupert also said the band needs to be topical, so Darren wrote another, more heavy song with a vibe that recalls JCM’s Scarecrow record. Darren tells Tom to imagine that big, bald drummer rocking it.
He’s our President, and we should respect the man
The Jewish liberals, you’ve got your head in the sand
It’ll take some time to make Iraq strong
You think you’re so smart, but you’ve got it all wrong
[big drum roll]
Chorus:
Stand tall and fight for freedom
Stand tall and fight for truth
Tom asks Darren to guess his least favorite part, and Darren can’t even guess. It's the line about "Jewish liberals", and Tom thinks he’s covering all the bases with his afro and now his anti-semitic sentiments. Darren also wrote "Blue Sugar", but after duplicating the main riff, he scratches it because Tom confirms it’s a rip-off of "Brown Sugar". The final new song is totally vibe-y, the result of a skiing trip he took with Kim after the show on Friday. Tom asks him if he's in town, and Darren said it wasn't that kind of skiing. Darren loved it and bought a whole bunch of it the next day. He can't get enough, and Tom tells him he's an addict. Darren disagrees.
Darren's "snowman" is Werner, a trenchcoat-clad German who used to hang out at the Consolidated Cardboard loading dock. He looks like Rutger Hauer but he's 5' 2" with a black mustache and blond hair. He spent some time working in their cafeteria, but Old Man Dalrymple fired him. At this point, it's revealed that Kim's last name is Dalrymple -- she's the daughter of their boss at work. Tom is compelled to summarize Darren's journey of stupidity. Darren thought Tom was his buddy, but Tom said he's forced into straight talk to try to break through his head.
Tom hits the highlights: Darren plays a benefit show for kids music program, performing fours songs and one jam. Since then, Darren has left his family, hooked up with a manager who is bleeding him dry, he’s having an affair and moved in with the 22-year-old, tambourine-playing daughter of their boss, she has him hooked on cocaine, and now’s he’s in trouble with Werner, a total dirtbag who got fired from CC after being accused of using the company to deliver drugs by slipping baggies into boxes in the shipping room and diverting them to his customers.
Darrens explains that Werner says he was just trying to raise America’s spirits, and from what he’s experienced, he’s successful in doing so. However, Darren is dispirited over the amount of money he owes Werner. He’d rather not say the amount, but ballparks it at $32,000. He told Werner that he’d write a song about him, and he guaranteed him that it would be a smash hit. Earlier that day, he gave Werner a rough demo of the track. Werner told Darren that if he liked the song, he would not smash his face. Darren does not have the song's melody nailed down, but he gives Tom a taste:
Some call him a hero, some call him a saint
He’s a hero with a bag of magic
Here’s he is, the man who makes the snow come
Tom thinks it sounds very similar to the Scorpions' "Rock You Like A Hurricane", but Darren thinks Tom is just jealous. Darren predicts that Tom will regret the way he’s treating him once things get rolling. Tom wants an example of what lies ahead for Hell Toupee. In a nutshell: the band all moves together in a rented house near Newbridge College so they can totally bond as music bros and sisters. Tom thinks this is fantasy land. Darren says they will all drink beers, play tunes, and go joyriding. Darren and Kim will make love. Darren thinks this is the key for Tom to change his life, but doesn’t want it because he just did it as a goof. Darren thinks that Tom's reluctance to fully commit to the band indicates insufficient bravery.
After a week of writing and rehearsing, they will go to NYC to play a showcase show at CBGB’s. By this time, Rupert will have piqued Clive Davis’ interest, securing a front row seat for him. Clive will be blown away by Hell Toupee. Tom cites about 15 things wrong with this scenario, most notably the notion that after one week, the band is playing a showcase for a major label head, one of the most powerful men in the music industry, at a club that is pretty much on its last legs. Darren assures Tom that the club is "totally legendary", citing the recent book documenting its history. Tom’s favorite part about the book is how CBGB's stops having anybody even vaguely relevant playing the club after 1991. Darren counters by noting that the last band pictured in the book is Mel and the Mel-Tones, but Tom does not consider them relevant.
Tom also does not think that Clive Davis will check them out, but Darren says that Rupert’s grandson lives near where Clive Davis has a summer home in Nantucket, so he can bop by and put a CD in his mailbox. Tom thinks this is sci-fi. After that, the band will check into the Four Seasons and sign a record contract. Rupert told Darren that while they’re a new artist, they will get $6 million (Todd’s cut is dependent on the weight issue), 30-album deal because they are so good. Rupert said they could write their own ticket and get any producer they want, such as Robbie Robinson or Dr. Dree.
They record the album and it’s released a month later, promoted by spots on Leno, Conan, Regis & Kelly, and SNL. Tom thinks that getting on those shows would be an act of magic, but Darren says they will simply have to ask them and when they hear the CD, they will book them. Tom suggests that industry standing is also a factor, but Darren says that by this time, they will be at the top of the Billboards charts as well. They do brief warmup tour of theaters before opening for Bruce Springsteen. Tom tells him that Bruce does not have opening acts, but Darren believes that he’ll change that policy after hearing the Hell Toupee debut. Rupert says that Bruce will switch mid-tour and open for them. After a few months, the album will go gold, and the band will kick back in the Bahamas until it’s time to do it again.
Tom thinks this is all the saddest, most delusional thing he’s ever heard. Darren hates to say it, but he thinks this is why Tom might not be a part of this -- he doesn’t have the requisite attitude. Kim showed Darren that he could do it. Kim also thinks that Darren should get his you-know-what pierced, and he’s thinking about doing it. Kim’s mother is a New Age healer who says that the body has a lot of energy zones called “shockies”, and the piercing will help to release them.
Darren needs a little favor and wants Tom to commit to executing it before revealing what it is. Darren needs to retrieve some stuff from his house while his wife is at work. He's certain that she will be a total bee-otch and fight hard for custody of the kids. He’s got some stuff in the basement that could really look bad if it was brought out in court. The first damning item is Darren’s “spank vault” of pornography, and he asks Tom not to judge because it’s not like he’s the only guy addicted to the stuff. The vault weighs a ton so Tom will need to bring Todd, Rick, and a winch to bring it up. Darren predicts that the excavation will be a bee-otch.
Darren also has 30 5’ x 4’ paintings that he’s done over the years depicting him and the cast of M*A*S*H in “very erotic situations”. Tom can’t resist judging on this one. Darren is particularly concerned about a painting of him and Colonel Flagg doing stuff after his plane went down in the Sea of Japan. There’s also an “underwear bag” -- Darren saved every pair of underwear he's owned since childhood. Finally, he needs Tom to lure his son into his car with some Peanut Chews. As Darren sees it, Helen can have Mindy since a little girl needs her mom, but a little boy needs his dad. Tom refuses to abduct his child or retrieve any of the other items.
At this point, Darren finishes crafting an e-mail from Tom to Old Man Dalrymple, informing him that he will be quitting his job. He hacked into Tom's work e-mail account with some help from Vince in IT. Darren says this is one of the perks of being a higher-up in the company. Darren also wrote e-mails on behalf of the other band members. He thinks this is justified because the guys were totally into it. After the show, Darren asked Rick if he thought the show was great, and Rick responded with “Yeah, man, it was great.” Darren interpreted this to mean that Rick wanted to quit his job and become a full-time rock star. He told Todd that he couldn’t wait to do it again, and Todd said “Yeah, maybe."
Darren is a step ahead of everyone because he got a full-on taste, and he thinks that once they get it, they’ll all be glad that he quit his jobs for them. Tom realizes that he will now have to scramble to retain employment. Darren says that while the e-mails for the other guys were pretty standard resignation missives, Tom’s was more cathartic.
Darren starts becoming very nervous because he looks out the window and sees Werner coming up the driveway carrying a straight razor that’s glistening in the moonlight. Darren assumes that he did not like the song, which he now admits was stolen from Werner's countrymen, and starts running. He’s out of breath and thinks he lost that “stupid Nazi”, but he did not. Werner confronts him and Darren asks him what he thought of the song. Darren tries to explain the Scorpions lift, but it sounds like Werner starts poking him with the razor. Darren begins yelling in pain as Werner seemingly launches into a full-on assualt, and the call is disconnected. Tom thinks that Darren may be dead, which is part of a trend in recent callers to the show -- the Everest expedition that wiped out over 60 people and rogue postal worker Keith Garfinkle’s death-by-machete. Tom’s creeped out by the rough stuff because he likes his stuff smooth.
John Mellencamp - "R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A."
Scorpions - "Rock You Like A Hurricane"
- Joe from Cornwall calls (starts at 2:29) to request some Wet Rat and gets it in the form of Sonic Youth’s “The Neutral” from the forthcoming Rather Ripped.
- Tom reaches (starts at 2:41) the secret spy phone of Matt Walsh and leaves a message for him to call The Best Show. Walsh calls a few minutes later, noting that he was just involved in a crisis in which he held up foot traffic while struggling to place his luggage in the overhead compartment. He’s on an airplane leaving the street filth of Portland, OR, to return to L.A. He's also gearing up for the June 7th premiere of Dog Bites Man on Comedy Central. He says the show “should be good” and gives a brief summary: an improvised sitcom in the real world revolving around a news team based in Spokane. Walsh plays a Charles Perrault-like field correspondent named Kevin Beekin, whose main attributes are that he drives a Chrylser Sebring convertible and played quarterback while in junior college. The solid cast includes Zach Galifinupagus, A.D. Miles, and Andrea Savage.
The cast is with him and Walsh is talking a bit weird because he doesn’t want to disrupt anybody sitting next to him. He's also afraid that his co-stars would give him a hard time if they heard him promoting the show. The show has already generated buzz from a disgruntled history professor who was not amused by their hijinks, and Tom asks him if it's a prank show like Crank Yankers. Walsh assures him that it's fully live-action comedy that Comedy Central is promoting with a USPS tie-in for National Dog Bite Prevention Week.
Tom asks Walsh to talk about his new comedy friend: Robin Williams, the Elastica of comedy. Mr. Happy recently discovered the L.A. branch of the Upright Citizens Brigade comedy theater and has been showing up to interrupt shows with his recycled Jonathan Winters riffage. Walsh is a second-wave member of UCB, having joined after the arrival of Amy Poehler, which is when it finally got funny. Zach started tickling him, so Walsh had to end the call.
- Darren calls back (starts at 2:54) and he’s moaning in pain. Werner stabbed him approximately 31 times, but he’s just going to stitch himself up with masking tape because the slashes are not that deep. Darren cancels the Thursday Hell Toupee practice, but will be ready to go on Friday. Darren is happy to inform Tom that he was able to make it back in the house, so the e-mails to Old Man Dalrymple went through. Darren then has an interesting blackout. Tom tells him to go to the hospital for treatment, but Darren will probably stick with the tape and might call Rupert for some assistance.
- Anonymous calls (starts at 2:56) to use the show to solidify the recovery from her year-long addiction to the Internet. Her fiance was forced to block Flickr, Myspace, and Friendster from her computer since she was spending 8-12 hours/day online. She couldn't hold down a job and was completely consumed within a cyber netherworld. She's doing better -- no posts in over a month and no online reading for over two weeks. At its worst, she put herself in debt to visit people she met online and almost cheated on her boyfriend of 9.5 years with someone she met via Friendster. Tom wants to hear more and she promises to call back next week.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:: John in SF calls to discuss his work preparing airplane food for the Portland Trailblazers' flights (everyone loved the dried tuna except Kevin Duckworth), Anonymous fills in the details on her cautionary Internet addiction tale, and Marky Ramone checks in to talk about OSAKA POPSTAR, his new punk supergroup.
SUPPORT THE PODCAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want to leave you without a YouTube to step to, so Get Blazed:
May 29, 2006
You want to go where now?
And I drive you in a what? And that's what you want to say. In public. For the first time since the...whole..thingy. Sure, sounds good. Let's do this.
First rule of Fight Club...
...is to quit wearing those effing shorts, Kilmanis. I mean Jeezus man, you knew frickin' CNN was coming. Even Tyler Durden would look like a total retard in those.
Almost open for business ...
.
Es una pasión del corazón
y es divertido.
May 27, 2006
Roll it up and smoke it again.
Props to Patton for the sanitary headgear!
[Sample the whole album here.]
The real Augustus Gloop.
"There is not a single piece of furniture that he has not broken."
May 26, 2006
All this watermelon and tomato and peanut butter.
Might as well make it a Hacky Comic AST Two-fer and link up this surprisingly entertaining two-page thread on Gallagher. It gets off to a rocky start, but stick with it for the depressing Paul Rust and Jesse tales.
Whoah, Mr. Happy.
[via this Robin Williams was an ASSSCAT thread that will surely be mentioned in the next recap.]
OH THAT DRUDGE. #006:
Thanks for the ALL CAPS emphasis, Matty! I get it -- BOB is a man's name. Or are you trying to inform me of the specific Dylan involved. Cate Blanchett will NOT be playing Reginald Dylan. Not Jennifer Dylan. BOB.
May 25, 2006
Recid-O-Cast. #009:
Salutation.
I found this in the mailroom a few minutes ago. It was written on a returned marketing brochure by a resident of New Jersey.
All boats rise!
Radio is indeed glorious.
May 24, 2006
Power Song
Zack de la Rocha & DJ Shadow - "Instrumental 3"
There's nothing sillier than a man chasing his balls.
Televised Programming Bulletin. #012:
As promised, the American Lives Dog Bites Man update. The show begins airing June 7th, is now Season Pass-able, and has a few clips up on the Comedy Central website. One of the digi (everything's digi these days) clips features the glory of A.D. Miles as Marv. Germs!
May 23, 2006
Hollywood knows we're good if you know what I mean.
From IMDB's "Goofs for Tron (1982)" page:
Continuity: When Flynn is scanned into the computer he is wearing Adidas trainers. In all scenes prior to the he is wearing Nike trainers.
Goofs for You (2006): Adidas finally capitalizes.
Give the People What They Want.
A few years ago I had an Audible subscription just so I could circumvent my clumsy Audio Hijack solution. Now I can circumvent Audible's clumsy everything and get TAL dumped right into iTunes.
[THANK YOU, Jesse -- whose WBEZ-direct method of payment makes a million much more sense anyway.]
Snobs vs. Slobs.
"Kneel before Zod." -- Mutant Tall Biker, ruining Tom's Mother's Day meal
"I’m giving you $2.75 for you to fill a mug!" -- Tom, baffled that Evan isn't giving him a free drink
"Count your parents' money, Richie Rich." -- BoboKick, bringing it to Shael
"That’s the problem with open phone Tuesday -- it’s open." -- Tom, after a second helping of Loomis
"I’ll have the steak au poivre, please." -- Orson Welles, circa 1975
"You don’t have too many ideas tonight, do you?" -- Seth, boldly questioning Tom's movie building skills
"There’s very little threshing done in modern Hong Kong." -- Josh, taking a break from promoting his travel book to drop a little tidbit
"DJs are human, too." -- Tom, taking a stand against stalkers
"You play basketball?" – Paycheck’s high school classmates
"Come on, nerds. Give me a break. There’s only so much of The Kid to go around." -- Tom, grappling with high school fame
"Oh, Dirt Boy. It's called dignity, find some." -- Tom on Lodi's finest
[TBSOWFMU - 5/16/06 / Podmirth [subscribers = 17; still in "serious jeopardy"] / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]
Keene Brothers - "Heaven's Gate"
( Click here to buy Blues And Boogie Shoes) [Douchefork gives the album a 6.3 in one of their tossed-off reviews that reads like something out of The Patriot Press.]
El Madmo - "Carlo"
( Click here for more information on El Madmo)
Sonic Youth - "Eyeliner"
( Click here to buy the "Helen Lundeburg"/"Eyeliner" 7") [Fork likes this one.]
Saturday Looks Good To Me - "The Girl's Distracted (First Version)"
( Click here to buy Sound On Sound)
Jucifer - "Fight Song"
( Click here to buy I Name You Destroyer)
Annotated highlights of the show that roams as free as a valence electron:
- Tom addresses (starts at 18:19) some e-mails inquiring about the escalating high costs (now up to $510/call received) for the exclusive Best Show phone number. Tom explains that he set up a high-optic cable that goes through the floor of the WFMU building right up into “Old Faithful” -- the Audioarts Engineering R60 mixing board. If Tom gives the R60 a friendly tap, it will malfunction.
- Evan from sunny Providence, RI., checks in (starts at 25:32) to support the podcast (he was the third subscriber out of 17), which he's been promoting to friends and family. He got his younger twin sisters to sign up, but has yet to check back with them for a review. They share his sensibilities and he’s competent (mush mouth on the radio!) that they will dig it. He does confirm that an L.A.-based friend subscribed and enjoyed it. An evening off is giving Evan a rare live taste of the show since he's usually bartending, to go along with his work for a catering company, a furniture company, and his cartooning. His work will be published this summer in the Project Romantic compilation. Tom promises to plug it to help ease him out of the food industry and into his dream: full-time doodling.
The discussion shifts to bar-patron etiquette, and Tom supports a tip-early approach. Evan agrees, and recommends that customers be entertaining and not expect the same antics from their bartender. Tom initiates a role-play scenario to illuminate the issues:
Players: Customer (Tom Scharpling) Bartender (Evan from Providence)
Bartender: Hey! What can I getcha this evening?
Customer: I’d like two uh … do you have Michelob Genuine Golden Draft?
Bartender: Uh, Michelob Geniune Golden Draft? Of course! On tap. Do you want a pint or a bottle?
Customer: What do you have on tap tonight, barkeep?
Bartender: Tonight we have Heineken, we have uh …
Customer: Mmmmmmmmm.
Bartender: We have Newcastle, Guinness…
Customer: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
Bartender: Mmm Hmm. Uh, we’ve got uh, we’ve got uh uh… let’s see -- Sam Adams
Customer: I’m gonna get a Newcastle and a Sam Adams, please.
Bartender: Ok, two pints, coming right up. [Makes the dispensing sound after Tom's prompting. Sounded a bit more like he was applying whipped cream to these ears, but it was passable, especially within an improv scene. ] There you are.
Customer: How much will that be?
Bartender: That’ll be … let’s see here … uh, $8.25
Customer: $8.25? Uh, here’s $10, keep the change.
Bartender: Well thank you very much!
Tom asks Evan what he’s looking for tip-wise, and he said $1/drink is pretty generous in most places, so Tom’s $10 is acceptable. Tom wonders if he should get change and toss him a quarter, but then decides that he’s no cheap skate and would give him $11 for this drink order.
30 MINUTES LATER
Customer: Yeah, I’ll get two more of those, please.
Bartender: Right, uh Sam and a Newcastle coming right up.
[The Customer gives the Bartender $10]
20 MINUTES LATER
[At this point, Tom is disheveled and has a bloody nose from getting into a drunken fight with another customer over the merits of TVT-era GBV.]
Customer: Yeah, two more.
Bartender: Uh huh.
Tom asks Evan when it happens, Evan’s not sure what he’s talking about and Tom reveals: FREE DRINK! Evan disqualifies Tom from free drink status, saying that he needed to slip him a $5 earlier in the night. Tom believes this would simply be an act of pre-payment. Tom points out that he’s not ordering mixed drinks that require 30 minutes of shaking and equates the non-strenuous work required to fill his order to moving a gear shift. Evan says that if Tom had remained near the bar and chatted him up, the personal connection could have yielded a freebie. Tom prefers to stay out of the barkeep's way and not bore him. Loyal, frequent patronage could also help, but Evan interpreted the scenario as being Tom’s first visit to his bar. Evan admits to being tight with the lever, but will often put his own money in for friends' drinks. His biggest tip ever was $20 on a $4 tab.
Evan advocates always tipping bartenders, waiters, waitresses, etc. because they tend to get shafted more than they hit a big tip. Tom thinks people should also tip their DJ. He then tells Evan that in the FOT Chat, Klak cited an unwritten law in NYC stipulating that the fourth drink is free. They don’t roll that way in Rhode Island and Tom speculates that Evan serves mostly farmers. Evan says that he tends bar in a “fine dining” establishment with customers who can easily afford their drinks. Tom thinks that sounds like he's playing the Snobs vs. Slobs card, and BoboKick wants Evan to get a new job.
- Tom talks (starts at 38:31) about his rough week that resulted from his Mother's Day being ruined. Tom correctly notes that the beauty of Mother's Day is that you eat where mommy wants, so the Scharplings were eating at Bennett’s “pizzeria” (pronounced with nice Italian flair by Tom), which is the currently-approved nomenclature, replacing the outdated yet-- in my opinion -- preferable “pizza parlor”. A parlor! For pizza! My all-time fave name for a pizza-based restaurant is a hybrid once coined by my grandfather while in his mid-70s, placing his first-ever phone-based order for a pie. His first words were: "Hello, is this the pizzerino?" This caused an eruption of laughter from observers, which he did not appreciate one bit.
So they were eating a pizza pie at the pizzeria (someone at the table had a calzone; a bevy of unruly neices were having a grand 'ol time) and then it started. All of a sudden, people on the sidewalk were nervously shuffling out of the way of a three-man tall bike gang who had invaded New Jersey. Tom proposed a Mother’s Day truce, but one of the bikers (the one who knocked Tom unconscious in the abandoned Two Guys resulting in his waking up in front of Northsix) wanted to proceed with the battle despite the holiday.
Tom agrees and does the requisite stretching exercises to avoid blowing out his back fighting the goofballs. One of the guys had the familiar “Bike Culture Not For Sale” sign on his bike with a Bush/Cheney sticker underneath. Tom thought these guys were radicals, but they apparently support the status quo and lean right. Tom was fully stretched, cracked his fingers, and squared off in the middle of the street. He picked up a 2 x 4 to prepare for their charge, and he whacked the first guy in the Adam’s apple, knocking him off his tall bike. A second guy pulled a sawed-off shotgun from underneath his cheap leather jacket. Tom tried to calm them down (“Come on, guys. No gunplay”) and suggested that they settle it like grown-ups. The gunmen informed Tom that he wasn’t a grown-up and did not care that Tom’s family was witnessing the attack. He cocked the sliding barrel and told Tom to get down on the ground and eat curbside gravel. This was not just a cool catchphrase -- it was a legit culinary directive. Tom ate a couple of handfuls of gravels and began crying. They laughed at him.
Tom thought they were done, but one guy pulled out a Molotov cocktail and threw it at the pizzeria. Another guy swiped Tom’s 2 by 4 and jammed it into the door so his family could not escape. The pizzeria is in flames, and Tom hears his family crying for help. One of the tall bikers started calling himself Zod, ordering Tom to kneel before him, and, presumably, shot lasers out of his eyes.
Tom’s family is screaming as the pizzeria continued to burn. Tom stopped eating gravel, got up, and said: “Bring it on, tall biker!” Tom then ripped his shirt like a pro wrestler and twiddled his fingers in the air suggesting he was ready for action. Tom boarded the vacant tall bike and peddled it right into the window of the pizzeria, shattering the glass. Scharplings came pouring out. The owner pulled a machine gun out of his cabinet and told the tall bikers to go back to Brooklyn. They retreated but said “This is not over”, so Tom remains a bit scared. Tom thanked the owner for scaring them away, but he’s concerned that he had an automatic weapon on hand.
Bottom line: Tom will not back down.
- Tom’s tall bike tale made Jerry (starts at 51:49) think of his friend who just bought a motorcycle. He’s worried about his friend and all motorcyclists, who he believes are maniacal adrenlin junkies only content if they are going 100+ mph. His friend, who has a penchant for joy riding from Clifton to Point Pleasant or that military place, is due for a court appearance and may lose his license for getting so many points this year. Tom wants him to call back to stage an intervention but it never materialized.
- Shael returns (starts at 53:56) for a round of Ask Tom, his last call coming about a month ago as part of the "Eccentric Emotional Moments" game. You may recall that a 13-year-old Shael was devestated by the "Presence" segment of the Japanese anime collection, Robot Carnival. Anyway, Shael recently moved to NYC to further his music career by finding some live gigs, and he came home to Middletown, NY., for Mother’s Day. He was recently informed of an opening in van for a big concert/party in Arkansas to honor the last show for his friend’s band. His dilemma is that he does not have enough cash to return to NYC for a week and then return to go on the jaunt, but he does not want to wait around for a week at his mother’s house. Shael has no friends there and is unenthused by the prospects of chain restaurants, but he's considering using ther time to work on sequencing some tracks on his computer. He’s easily distracted by the likes of house painters and also seems uninterested in reading.
Tom tells him that the quiet time is a gift, but Shael has some time management and motivational issues. He’s been stuck for two days with a pad of unfinished lyrics and half an instrumental, walking around the house humming to himself. Tom asks him if he’s soft-serve ice cream; Shael is flustered by the query and denies it. Tom tells him he can’t wait for The Perfect Storm of songwriting inspiration so he should splash some water on his face and get to work. Shael is not sure why he can’t get it together, denies being rich, and calls Tom "Sir", which is reasonable because at 24, Tom's a little more than twice his age. Tom's had enough and gives him a low-grade GOMP.
BoboKick, however, is just getting started, and launches an assault on the rich in the chat, suggesting that Shael owns a $2,000 Martin acoustic guitar but only knows three chords. Shael calls back to confirm that he does have a Martin guitar and claims to know more than three chords. Tom tells BoboKick to call in to settle the dispute and tells Shael to turn down his Hammacher Schlemmer radio, which he’s listening to in his kitchen while drinking some hot cocoa. Tom considers declaring BoboKick the victor before he calls as a result of Shael's soft-serve beverage choice. He reiterates that he’s far from rich, with his mother making just enough to get by as a social worker. Shael was an English major at SUNY-Oswego and is straddled with student loan debt.
Bobo calls (starts at 1:03) and Shael shares some details on his guitar: it’s a Martin Acoustic/Electric that he bought five years ago for $500, using half the money he made working as a counselor at a 4H children’s summer camp. Bobo thinks that’s fantastic, and Tom presses Shael on the number of chords that he knows. Shael says he knows “a lot” or “most of them”. BoboKick thinks Shael is getting defensive, which prompts Shael to provide the link to his web portal where people can sample his "largely electronic vocal pop" noodlings. Upon landing on his site, Tom notes his pricey Pac-Man cap and, seconds later, Shael’s British butler picks up the phone, unaware that it was in use. I couldn't quite make it out, but I think I heard the butler say something like: "Oh, dear. So sorry for the intrustion, Master Reilly. I hope the cocoa is up to your standards this evening. I added a few shavings of fresh nutmeg!" Later in the call, his chauffeur picked up to ask him if he was ready to go to "Sexapades". Shael angrily informed him that he did not need a ride there until midnight.
BoboKick recommends that Shael spend his free time working on his music instead lounging around his mother’s house and then trucking down to Arkansas for some kind of “beer blast”. He thinks that Shael should follow the work ethic of The Minutemen and the other bands in Michael Azzerad’s Our Band Could Be Your Life. Shael feels that he’s earned a little time off after a run of low-paying office temp jobs in NYC since his English degree has made him unemployable. BoboKick says that everyone’s been down that road, and Tom’s more convinced than ever that he’s soft-serve. Shael counters that he’s hard-packed custard and Tom GOMPs him, though he first accidentally GOMPs BoboKick, in what Chris L called “collateral GOMPage”.
Tom abruptly changes his opinion and puts himself in Shael’s corner, giving him a little burn, but he can’t be sure that his tunes don't contain any toilet talk, so he cuts it short.
- A guy calls (starts at 57:54) to tell Tom that the music WFMU play is both “ridiculous” and “awesome”. He wants to know what that guy Loomis was talking about earlier. This is Loomis. Tom gives him the floor and the best he can muster is to squeal “I get the floor?”, so he's quickly GOMPed. The call is also marred by the ding-a-ling of a open car door (nicely duplicated by Tom).
- The hottest game in the land is back (starts 1:08) and Stefanos from the Isle of Staten is up first:
Genre: Black Romantic Comedy
Director: Harmony Korine
Influences: Shallow Hal
Stars: John Cassavetes, Jon Lovitz, and John Goodman
A Tale of Three Johns
Plot: Goodman plays a woman -- not a guy in drag, an actual woman. She loves the handsome fella played by Cassavettes, but he ignores her. She hires a third-rate magician (Lovitz) to hypnotize Cassavettes into thinking that the female John Goodman is the most beautiful woman alive. As a result of the hypnsois, Cassavettes thinks Goodman is a total knockout. However, when Lovitz cast the spell on Cassavettes, it was in a mirrored room, so he also got hit by the love bug. For the rest of the film, Cassavettes and Lovitz compete for the affection of the female John Goodman. Hijinks ensue.
---
Genre: Musical Comedy about the Holocaust
Stars: Woody Allen, Adam Sandler, and Bjork
Co-directors: Sidney Lumet and Matthew Barney
New York City Must Die
Plot: Woody Allen is the corrupt mayor of New York, and people are getting a bit sick of him like late-period Ed Koch. Adam Sandler is a handsome young upstart running against Woody in the primary. Sandler is a family guy with no blemishes so Woody knows that he has to discover some kind of weak link to bring down his campaign and sway a close race. Woody finds out that while Sandler was studying abroad in college, a girl (Bjork) broke his young heart. Woody brings the girl to New York and pays her to distract Sandler and throw him off his game.
---
Genre: Buddy-Buddy Action w/ International Spy Twist
Stars: Orson Welles (Tom selects F For Fake era -- cape, hat, beard, fat, still charming, etc.), Rosie Perez (second straight appearance for Perez -- she also appeared in Ted Leo’s Days of Deceit), and Paul Reubens
Director: Ronald Neame
Influences: The Manchurian Candidate
Code Word: Albatross
Plot: It's 1957. Rock ‘n roll -- Elvis, et al -- is in full swing. Paul Reubens is a failing, Brill Building songwriter who can’t place any his songs. He's watching all the rock acts take off and he's coming up dry. Orson Welles is the head of the FBI, and he's worried about The Red Menace. His top Cold War agent, who was trained Manchurian-stylee, is lost. He can't find the guy ... or girl! He knows the code word to bring the agent back in: albatross. He hires Reubens to embed the trigger in a record called “Do The Albatross”. Welles needs the song to be a hit to ensure that the agent will hear it.
An amnesiac spy named Evan (Don Johnson) has been working as a bartender in Rhode Island. Evan's the worst bartender ever -- unskilled and tight, unwilling to cough up free drinks despite generous tippage. A waitress (Perez) notices that Evan starts acting weird when "Do The Albatross" plays on the jukebox, talking of some other life. Turns out that Perez was a Cuban agent that once battled Evan. She also suffers from amnesia and is triggered out of her stupor by the Reubens tune. Love ensues.
Public Image, LTD's "Albatross" will play during the credits.
---
[via Seth]
Genre: Serious Religious Period Film
Stars: Emmanuel Lewis, Corey Feldman, Bronson Pinchot
Director: Re-animated Pier Pasolini
Influences: The Surreal Life
David and Goliath
Plot: Manny plays David, and Goliath is played by Bronson Pinchot and Feldman in one of those two-headed, old-fashioned horse costumes. That's it! Seth requests some more cinematic meat, but Tom feels that since it's a religious film, nothing more is needed to draw people to the theater. Seth says he'd see the film and asks Tom about the ideal genre for the trio. Tom declines to reveal his answer because he may have to mutate his idea for another film later in the game. Seth suggests that Tom's devoid of ideas; Tom tells him that he's just human. With his buttons pressed, Tom goes off on a pitching frenzy. First up, Bronson Pinchot plays a toymaker who's crafted Manny Lewis as a kind of ersatz Pinnochio. A few years earlier, he made Corey Feldman, who becomes jealous. Dueling Pinnochios! Tom continues with a romantic comedy featuring an inccurate Cupid (Manny, natch) who accidentally shoots Pinchot, Feldman, and a woman (Farrah Fawcet), creating a love triangle. Finally, Tom delivers a war movie, and while no plot was given, the casting is perfection: Feldman as Hitler, Manny as Goebbels, and Pinchot as Himmler. Boom. Seth is won over, declaring Tom "too good".
---
[via Dan from The Plarns, who's not mad at the ThemeWeavers for winning the theme song contest.]
Genre: Fantasy/Horror
Stars: Peter DeLuise, Billy Barty, and Tina Yothers
Director: Trent L. Strauss (I'm still holding out hope that he's alive)
Influences: The Grudge, The Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn, The Hacksawist, You're Soaking In Her, The War Of The Roses
Plot: Peter DeLuise and Tina Yothers are newlyweds honeymooning at an Evil Dead-ish cabin so Peter can work on his novel. Yothers opens an old crock pot, releasing the trapped spirit of envy (Barty, complete with green, camel-haired overcoat). The green spirit emerges, swallows their souls, and makes them hate each other. The couple cavorts around the woods trying to kill each other because they are possessed. They must find a way to break that spell. With Strauss at the helm, the solution will likely involve Viking mythology and power tools.
---
[via Evan in Upper Montclair, who solicits Best Show listeners who may want to re-sod the lawn at his mansion estate this summer]
Genre: Sweeping Epic
Stars: Esai Morales, Rebecca DeMornay, and Rutger Hauer
Influences: The Beverly Hillbillies
Director: Phil Morrison
Oil!
Plot: Rutger Hauer is a European land baron who came to the United States and accumulated massive amounts of property. He bequeaths one acre to the Esai Morales family, who worked for him for generations. Esai strikes oil on the small plot! Hauer's wife (DeMornay) has a thing for Esai and sides with him in his battle to hold on to the riches of his discovery when Hauer attempts to reclaim the land.
--
[via Jack from Lower Montclair]
Genre: Black Romantic Comedy
Stars: Joey Pants, Lisa Kudrow, Peter Krause, Rick Moranis
Co-directors: Patton Oswalt & Brian Posehn
Love In Mint Condition
Plot: Lisa Kudrow thinks that her husband (Joey Pants) died in an accident and hasn't seen him in a year. She sells all of his comics to a nerd ( Rick Moranis), who lies about their value and rips her off. The collection includes Fantastic Four #1 and he gave her $2,000 for a stash worth tens of thousands of dollars. Kudrow told him she was leaving the country and needed to unload them quickly. Joey Pants returns and he's looking for his books. Violence ensues.
---
[via Paycheck in Toronto]
Genre: Gritty Cop Drama
Stars: Willy DeVille, Ghostface Killah, Elvis Presley at his absolute fattest and sweatiest
Influences: Narc, The French Connection II, Barry Bonds
Director: Amy Heckerling
King Of Scum Mountain
Plot: Elvis is the scummiest drug lord around, polluting schools with drugs by using teachers to push to their students. Willy DeVille is working for him but he’s actually a DEA guy in deep undercover. While undercover, DeVille develops a nasty smack habit and has become a filthy junkie who cannot even remember that he's actually an officer of the law. Ghostface plays a mayoral candidate vowing to rid the town of drug. Since he's invading Elvis's turf, Elvis tells DeVille to take him out. DeVille is morally scrambled because on one hand, he's a DEA agent, but he's also completely strung out and loony tunes. Deep down, he knows Ghostface is a good guy because they went to the Academy together. However, DeVille face was so mutilated in a fire that Ghost does not recognize him anymore.
Paycheck immediately greenlights it.
---
[via Michelle in Chatham 07928.]
Genre: Dramedy
Stars: Shirley Maclaine, Rosario Dawson, Daniel Day-Lewis
Director: The Wachowski Brothers
Influences: The L Word, Gangs Of New York
Plot: Rosario Dawson and Shirley Maclaine are a May-December lesbian couple. But they both fall for the hunky cobbler (Day-Lewis) who moves to Upper Montclair and fight each other. Variety says: "Domestic box office outlook is bleak".
---
[via Josh from Hong Kong by way of the Isle of Staten, amidst a typhoon]
Genre: Victorian-era Drama
Stars: Sandra Bernhard, Tor Johnson, Bobcat Goldthwait
Director: Eli Roth
Influences: Merchant-Ivory films, Shakes The Clown
The Monster in the Crawlspace
Bobcat plays a pushy author who wrote a book (Vignettes of Formosa) about his travels to the Far East. (Josh does an impromptu Bobcat impression that was somewhat frightening.) He's married to Sandra Bernhard and loses his face by falling into a thresher. I couldn't follow the rest of the plot, but I think there was something about a Bernhard affair with Tor. Since Tom owns the rights to all of the ideas in the Build A Movie Game, he also owns the rights to Josh's book. The call was dropped so Tom does not have to finish the plotting.
---
[via Theresa in LES Manhattan]
Genre: Sports Drama
Stars: Burt Reynolds, Cristina Ricci, Tom Selleck
Two Mustaches, No Waiting
Director: Jeff Feuerzeig
Plot: Burt Reynolds owns a sports franchise, and Selleck is a down-on-his-luck sports writer. They are both fighting over Ricci, so Tom Selleck writes an expose on the owner to derail his deal for a new stadium.
--
[via Karen in Chicago]
Genre: Bizarro Comedy
Stars: Klaus Kinski, Warren Oates, Harvey Keitel
Director: Werner Herzog
Plot: Written by Karen as a remake of Three Men and a Baby. It ends with all three men dragging a massive baby stroller over a mountain.
------
Genre: (Funny) Comedy
Stars: Seann William Scott, Jessica Simpson, Johnny Knoxville
Tom tells the caller that this was already a movie, which allows the caller to unleash his punchline about wanting a comedy featuring said trio. He zinged The Dukes of Hazzard! And with that, the Build A Movie game goes out like a lamb.
- Tom discusses (starts at 2:27) the recent hit that radio industry took from Power 105's Star of the "Star & Buc Wild" program, who made horrific threats against the wife and child of Hot 97's DJ Envy. While industry rules prohibit going up against another brother jock, Tom breaks ranks with his radio fraternity and condemns Star, giving him the dreaded thumbs down. Tom may lose some popularity in the tight-knit Jock Guild, but he feels that he's taking a very courageous stand and should be applauded for condemning pedophilic threats. This action is in line with Tom's track record of bravery and fantasticness.
Tom also mentions a Jersey Journal article about a NYC woman wanted for stalking a WKTU disc jockey. Tom steps out on a limb again by declaring this "not cool" and says that any listener who stalks their disc jockey is disrespectual and out of line. Tom is so committed to these positions that he is willing to risk losing his seat next to 1010 WINS' John Montone when he goes to the Golden Microphone club.
- Paycheck's white-hott, Rate Your High School Experience segment (starts at 2:33) wraps up the show in a lightning round format. The requirements are simply a 1 - 10 rating with a brief explanation. Paycheck inaugurates his own segment, noting that he was inspired by the saying "nobody cool ever had a good time in high school". He's interested to find out if the cool Best Show listening community all had hellish experiences.
Paycheck: 5/10
Maligned, but not physicaly assaulted, Paycheck was a "stone cold nerd" who eventually found a niche by playing in a punk rock band his last two years. His school was not jock-laden, but was still not that fun, especially since he was 6' 4" and unskilled on the hardwood. He was once dared into slam dunking and after executing the dunk, he landed on his side. This elicited .7 seconds of cheers, quickly followed by jeers.
---
Tom Scharpling: 9.8/10
Tom's main problem in high school was excessive popularity, which forced him to have to mix it up with nerds and dweebs who sought a piece of The King.
---
Mike the Associate Producer: 7/10
Mike fell in the middle area of the social strata.
---
Petey: 10/10
Tom suspects the perfect rating is a result of Petey's love of wedgies, but Petey attributes it to his increased popularity this year. Petey claims that his social standing yields 17 GFs per night He also excels in both academics (in Honors, but avoids geekdom) and athletics -- he's the star linebacker (among other positions) on the football team. Tom speculates that these tales are the results of atomic wedgie hallucinations that percolate in his mind after the principal comes into the boy's room and frees him from the coat hook to allow blood to rush back to his body. Tom GOMPs Petey since the show has no tolerance for liars and fibbers.
Doug: 5/10
Started off well, and ended poorly. Doug, one of Tom's Consolidated Cardboard co-worker, attended a coat-and-tie prep school six days a week and got kicked out two weeks shy of graduation for throwing grapefruits at a donor's house. As a result, he had to settle for a GED and became a family embarassment.
---
Kaz: 6.7
Started out great, but quickly went downhill in 10th grade when the drugs and alcohol kicked in and he tired of his small town that contained more cows than people.
--
Tristan: 7.5-8
The first 1.5 years were awkward due to puberty and nerdiness, but he was personable enough to get along with everyone and assemble a small group of friends. His current life rating is a solid 8.
--
Mark in Portland, Oregon: 3/10
In retrospect, he only learned to be cynical, smoke pot, and drink, which stunted his emotional development. Mark attended a Catholic school obsessed with football so he formed a trio of like-minded friends united by their love of horror films, Twisted Sister, truancy, and looking forward to better days in college. His current life rating is 8/10 and truckin’.
Chainsaw Kittens - "High In High School" [YouTube -- first video directed by Spike Jonze!]
Chainsaw Kittens - "My Friend Delerium"
Chainsaw Kittens - "Ezekial Walks Through Sodom & Gommorah"
( Click here to buy the masterful Flipped Out In Singapore)
--
Eric in New Paltz, NY: 8.5/10
Attended a small school with a graduating class of only 85 students and found solace in having friends dating back to the 1st grade. Situated on the outside edge of popular crowd, he was able to straddle the art world and sports world, mingling in different crowds, not unlike the nomadic, free-form valence electron.
---
John in Otisville, NY: 6/10
Since he was extremely tiny, he was picked up and thrown around quite a bit, but he was able to find some punk rock buddies and got into Lou Reed, Velvet Underground, Kerouac, etc. He became increasingly irritated that his strict parents would not let him see rock shows, thus causing him to miss stuff like The Clash's first U.S. shows and The Cramps at the Palladium on Halloween. He left home to see Elvis Costello on the Armed Forces tour, telling his parents that he was going to "the dance". The next day, he attended a rock 'n roll flea market where he saw Joey Ramone. He then returned home to displeased parents, who grounded him for the duration of his senior year.
--
Dave in Lodi: ??
Dave's turning point came in 10th grade when he started eating dirt for money and became known as “Dirt Boy”. He didn't learn anything at Lodi High School, and he now attends a bad community college and pushes carts at the A&P. He misses the glory days. Tom's too depressed to even issue a GOMP, so he just bails.
---
Michelle: 5/10
Michelle was perpetually angry and wore standard goth gear, but she's less angry now. Tom asks her what she's doing now, and she says she's in the kitchen talking.
---
County Mounty saves the day again, sweeping up the Dirt Boy detritus with the power of ROCK.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:: Shael Riley battle raps MC Steinberg, Dr. Stoopid calls to explain why he's constantly trying to hijack the Best Show phone number, and Tom may have a big announcement about a project that involves the fight for Good Guy justice.
So I was dipping into the archives in the past week and listened to the 1/14/03 show, which features Tom's interview with Guitar God Alan Licht. The chat focuses on his book, An Emotional Memoir of Martha Quinn, and leads to some interesting discussions on shifting musical tastes -- at one point, Licht tells a story about being enraptured by a Peter Cetera song and then seeing a Glen Branca show (he'd been a longtime fan) that just didn't do it for him. Tom cited two seemingly disparate records that were once faves among his classmates, united by simply both being good. I dedicate this final trio to the 10-year-old Tommy and his schoolyard buddies:
The Cars - "Bye Bye Love"
Jack Albertson & Peter Ostrum - "(I've Got A) Golden Ticket" (Lyrics and music by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley)
Gene Wilder - "Pure Imagination" (Lyrics and music by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley)
May 22, 2006
Punching Pilate.
Earlier this year, Adam Rapp's Winter Passing played in 11 theaters and took in a paltry $107,492 at the domestic box office despite a cast that includes Zooey Deschanel, Will Ferrell, and Ed Harris. (And a Rachel Dratch cameo!) It was released last week on DVD and it's worth a look both for Zooey devotees and those interested in seeing Will Ferrell's best-ever film performance as Corbit, a soft-spoken, ex-Christian rocker. Will's bewildered, sotto voce deliveries somewhat recall his GWB if said character was kind, sympathetic, and could pull off an Eagles cover at an open mic. (Trust me, the President cannot do this -- I saw him try once in the late 80s at a bar in Crawford called the Armadillo's Gunnysack. Embarrassing.) The film also contains one of the year's best sight gags when Zooey cracks open the door to see Corbit and her father engaging in "tee-time".
Dismissed by many critics as being overly bleak, Jared Sapolin offers an accurate counterpoint:
"You know Zooey is in damn good hands when the first scene has a character requesting she sing. Indeed, Rapp doesn't disappoint ZD fans like me, who wouldn't have even bothered with Winter Passing if it didn't star one of the most mysterious actresses in cinema right now. Even though Rapp's a theater rat, he's artfully disguised his stagy upbringing, crafting a modest movie around Zooey's exquisite face -- a punk cupie doll lost between sly and somber -- rather than wordplay (but just to be safe he presents us with no less than two title cards declaring Winter Passing an "Adam Rapp Film," plus a third reminding us who wrote and directed it). Predictably, the same lame critics who anoint uninspired diversions like e.g. Junebug the fillet of the arthouse, complain that Winter Passing is too familiar indie territory. Well then I guess I don't watch IFC enough, because I haven't seen many films that coruscate in the twilight so effectively."
Right on. Queue it up.
May 21, 2006
This I have to see.
Gentlemen's Quarterly sent George Saunders to Nepal to check out Ram Bomjon (aka "the new Buddha"), a 15-year-old who had nestled himself within the roots of a pipal tree and meditated sans food or water for seven months. The GQ site has a tease of the piece, along with an exclusive chat with Saunders and Jeff Riedel, the photographer on the trip. The full deal is in the June 2006 issue. (Saunders enthusiast Christina Aguilera on the cover!)
There are a few linked articles in the Wiki entry about his disappearance, possible re-appearance, and possible re-disappearance. My sources say that he's currently in L.A. talking to ABC executives about a fall primetime special. Ha ha.
Might as well.
These guys didn't plagiarize. This guy should have.
May 20, 2006
Curiously touching.
May 19, 2006
In active development.
A six-minute taste of Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, a new hourlong from Aaron Sorkin. While at the Upfronts this past week, Dr. Red Duke confirmed with an NBC spokesman that the dialogue will be in sync when the show airs in the fall.
[Yikes. That YouTube freeze-frame is dreadful. Don't be scared -- it's just Brad Whitford and Matthew Perry sitting on a couch.]
Previously on ... Recidivism: "I put the imp in improv"
Drastic.
All down there and yanking and yanking.
Patriotic tubes of meat.
Chestnut v. Kobayashi. 07.04.06.
Giggle and give in.
May 18, 2006
Reasons to live in LA
There's Largo and then there's sales of props from your favorite TV shows. I am currently drawing a blank on what the perfect item would be to buy from this. Tobias' cut-offs? Buster's claw? The banana stand? A cornballer?
BRIEFLY.
Shadow's finished his new record, and he wants us all to RELAX OUR BACK. I'm not complaining (my vertebrae are perfectly aligned), but I can see how experiment-averse folks might be worried following his recent limited output.
For me, nothing was funnier than David Banner yelling "DJ Shadow up in this mother..." on that last bit of guest production. But this new thing is funnier. I laugh every time the SL word up there is used to toast Shadow and some bonkers beat-work into what starts off sounding like a typical M. Ciccone-laced drum and bass track.
DJ Fresh vs. DJ Shadow - "Closer"
( Maybe you like the DJ Fresh bun as much as the DJ Shadow meat? )
You look like a POW of the Italian Tuna.
This new Chelsea Peretti short that she made with Adam Wade is fun in that you get a bit of the non-SHAC Peretti ("Boompies?") -- a more REAL LIFE take on our favorite comedienne. And I don't know much about the Adam Wade -- I still need to dive into his site proper -- but I get a fun Ronnie Simonsen vibe off the guy. Wonder what his Billy Graham impression is like.
May 17, 2006
The world saw evil that day. Two men saw something else.
[Trailer via Hillary, who saw plenty of facial hair.]
May 16, 2006
(Almost).
[English translation in the comments below the yum, yum, yummy video.]
A Hero's Journey.
"Please don't kill me." - Tom, to Best Show superfan Steve in Michigan
"Keep it I-ree." -- I-ron, Newbridge's premiere reggae musician, to Ted and Tom moments before toking up
"Why couldn't that evil hill take me, too." - Corey Dinkins from his hospital room in Kathmandu
"Shut your cracker pie-hole." -- Buddy Guy to Art Alexakis
"The Big Man can't climb no more." -- Clarence Clemons, crazy from the altitude
“It all looked so good on paper, don’t you think?” -- Corey, in a moment of reflection
"I punched Dave Matthews.” -- Philly Boy Roy on what he did at the Spectrum after being egged on by his son, Roy, Jr.
"Maybe in my dreams." -- MC Steinberg on his prospects for kissing a girl this summer
"Why am I talking sports with you?!" - Tom after reviewing the NBA playoffs with Larry
[TBSOWFMU - 5/9/06 / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]
*Tom's up to 13 listeners (later amended to 12 because Sean in Burbank is doing some work/home double-dipping), and instructs Mike the Associate Producer to pull the blue wire marked "Podcast". Tom thinks it's a disgrace that a top-shelf podcast is not getting the proper response. Its days are numbered.
Reigning Sound - "Find Me Now" (from Home For Orphans)
Reigning Sound - "Since When" (from Break Up ... Break Down)
Reigning Sound - "If You Can't Give Me Everything" (from Too Much Guitar)
( Click here to buy Reigning Sound recordings)
Hunchback - "The Ballad of Lon Chaney" (Ode to the Vice-President)
( Click here to buy Ugly On The Outside)
Major Stars - "Cinnamon and Lightning"
( Click here to buy Syntoptikon)
Bonus track for "Pigasus", who apparently learned nothing from the Death Cab For Cutie crack-up a few weeks ago. Trust The Kid's ears!:
Gnarls Barkley - "Smiley Faces"
( Click here to buy St. Elsewhere)
Annotated highlights of the first installment of the NEW ERA of The Best Show:
- Showbiz big shot small shot Sean from Burbank calls (starts at 30:34), having just completed a Best Show podathon while on a trip to RTP in NC. Much like the podcast, his days in Burbank are numbered as he's preparing to move to Griffith Park to be closer to the site of Neil Diamond's Hot August Night. Sean disagrees with Tom's selection of “Porcupine Pie” as the worst song in the history of mankind and votes for LFO's "Summer Girls". Tom informs him that the track is merely the eighth-worst of all-time.
Sean's last job was working as a writer's assistant on the dearly-departed televison comedy, Arrested Development. He got some jokes and callback thingies on the show, including "Operation Hot Brother" in "Exit Strategy". Tom requests some juicy AD tidbits, but Sean just confirms the daily grind that influenced Mitch Hurwitz's decision to pull the plug despite the Showtime offer: 12-hour days, 7 days a week. Sean was in the room with eight writers, laughing and working and learning that comedy is hard. Tom doesn’t think it's that hard, but then has doubts about his funniness, ultimately going into a shame spiral before getting off the comedic rolley-coaster. Sean and Tom also lament the end of What I Like About You's run, but Tom is proud that his grassroots fan club efforts made Amanda Bynes a star.
Sean switches the topic to cage fighting and wonders who Tom would pick to win if Daniel Johnston and Jad Fair (both combatants circa '06) squared off in a nonagon. Tom goes for DJ due to his weight advantage, but gives Fair a chance because DJ might get easily winded. The (presumably PPV) fight would be hosted by Joe Rogan. Tom mentions Rogan's Myspace-based battle with an Ohio teen, and Sean notes that his favorite online rivalry is Joe Rogan vs. Carlos Mencia. Tom opts for Billy Childish vs. Jack White and dismisses The Raconteurs' "Steady As She Goes" as "bad power pop".
Sean's worried about the fate of Corey Harris since he could not get into the live chat at the Summit Roxx website and had not seen any reports on the event.
Steve from Michigan calls (starts at 41:45) again to beseech Tom to keep the podcast going. For Steve, the podcast goes far beyond just entertaining mirth and mayhem -- it's his only form of companionship. Since he has no human friends, he downloads shows to his iPod, converting Tom into his portable buddy. He'll request a table for two at a fancy French restaurant and when confronted by an incredulous waiter, he'll alert him to the fact that his dining partner is right there on the iPod. Occasionally, Tom's voice will pipe up with something like "Yeah, I'm right here. When is this idiot gonna seat us?" It's not uncommon for Steve to imagine that Tom is addressing him personally, and will often ask him a question and hit play to simulate normal conversation, including setting it up so Tom can bust out zingers when the waiter informs Steve that the restaurant does not serve hot dogs or handburgers. For now, the iPod sits on the table, rather than on its own chair because, as Steve says, "things are not that bad yet."
Tom correctly guesses that he wears fatigues (bottoms only, though; Slayer t-shirts round out the ensemble), and while he always thought Stevie Blue would be the one to kill him, he has now moved Steve to the top of the executioner list because he’s weeeeeeiiiiiirrrrrrd. Steve inquires about Tom's target podcast subscriber base, and Tom wants him to get 10,000 people to sign up at the next Pistons playoff game. Tom wants Steve to run on the court with a sign that says "Best Show Podcast", but quickly realizes that this is a bad idea and rescinds the request. This leads Tom into a riff on the overly judgmental and nostalgic Bill Walton, whose injury-marred career also makes him hyper-sensitive to hurt players. Tom ends by zinging Luke Walton: "His son stinks, too."
SPF 69: Fair-skinned professional rocker Ted Leo moments before bursting into flames on the side stage at Coachella.
- Ted Leo calls (starts at 48:51) to give his report on the Co-uh-chella Valley Music and Arts Festival. Ted & The Pharmacists played a 50-minute, side-stage set in the 3:30 p.m. Sunday slot, which initially pleased Ted since he thought they could hold their own with main stage competitors The Magic Numbers and grab a share of kiddies with the siren call of his guitar. However, Ted discovered that he was peforming in direct sunlight in 100-degree heat, and he had never felt more horrid on stage. Ted thought the first five songs were great, but, in retrospect, thinks they came out of the box a little too hard and mad for it, lacking the proper pacing considering the hot conditions. The band opened with "Dial Up", a song Ted originally wrote several years ago in the hopes of landing an advertising tie-in with ISPs. Tom is going to resurrect that promotional effort by shopping the track to broadband providers. He offers Ted an 80/20 deal on the profits, Ted kindly counters with 70/20, Tom counters with 77/33, which Ted accepts because it will be so lucrative that it will defy mathematics.
The last seven or eight songs were a life-and-death struggle, with Ted ducking into the thin shade of the pillars during rare vocal breaks. While he did not hallucinate, Ted did get hot flashes and his strings burned his fingers. Tom suggests this could have been a result of Ted's hott guitar playing and not weather-related. At one point, Chris Wilson's beard caught fire. Luckily for Ted, he dressed in heat-repelling white, but after the set, he was forced to crouch in the shade to avoid getting grass stains on his clothing. Tom pointed out that Ted could have worn a hat like that dude in Grandaddy.
Ted gave a brief rundown on the other bands he saw at the festival, but not before going out on a limb by boldly declaring James Blunt to not be good. Since JB was playing in the tent at the same as Ted's set, he was spared the curiosity of actually checking him out. Tom agrees with his assessment: "That guy's a whole lotta not good." Ted was able to catch the first two songs of Madonna's set, thus missing her guitar work. Ted liked previous tourmates, The Duke Spirit (Ted was on call to fill in on bass, but was not needed), the reggae-rock of My Morning Jacket, Damian Marley, and saw a bit of Franz Ferdinand from afar.
Ted's reggae love prompts Tom to propose a documentary film called Ted Leo’s Reggae Weekend film (if he's alive, Trent L. Strauss seems perfect for this project), a la Dave Chapelle’s Block Party. I-ron in Newbridge (1:03) calls to declare “MMJ my favorite reggae band, mon”, and says he's not that into their more rock-oriented offerings. He plays in a band called I-ron’s Reggae Challenge, which is kind of like reggae meets the triathalon. Their drummer, I-chuck , plays the beat while the rest of the band does hurdles and shotput, and then they, of course, smoke up, which I-ron hangs up to do right then. The lineup for the Reggae Weekend party: MMJ, Damien Marley, Sizzla, Buju Banton (non-hate version), English Beat, a reunited Madness, Ted Leo + Rx doing a reggae set, and I-ron's Reggae Challenge, all on a revolving stage with each act doing two-song rotations.
Ted was most excited about being reinvigorated by Daft Punk's Co-chella set, which surprised him because two guys in robot costumes with laptops and a light show were not likely candidates to pull Ted from the beer tent. Tom's intrigued, and Ted explains that while Kraftwerk roboticized the human, Daft Punk is humanizing the robot.
LCD Soundsystem - "Daft Punk Is Playing At My House"
Daft Punk - "Aerodynamic"
English Beat - "Tears Of A Clown"
Riding Down The Evil Hill: Corey Dinkins, somewhere within the wall of snow, makes it safely back to Base Camp at the bottom of Mount Everest.
- Tom retrieves the number that Summit Cola gave him to contact Corey, and he calls (starts at 1:23) to conduct the much-anticipated follow-up interview. Dr. Hannah Sternfreund answers in high-pitched German, and Tom tells her he's looking for Corey Harris, but he's been signed into a hospital under his birthname, Corey Dinkins. Dr. Sternfreund reveals that he’s been upgraded to stable condition after going through a "very difficult ordeal". She offers to put him on the line for just a few minutes because he’s been in a prolonged agitated state. She asks Corey if he’s up for the interview and he comes to the phone, obviously in extreme pain and barely able to talk.
Tom tells him he lost touch with his quest because he could not access the website during the live chat, and Corey says the climb was a "nightmare", emitting only fragments: "so high, so cold, couldn't breathe." He also appears to be vaguely suicidal, asking why Everest ("that evil hill") couldn’t take him, too. Tom's concerned and asks him if someone perished during the trek. Corey thinks someone died on the trip, and he hasn’t seen anyone since Saturday. He hasn't seen his Mother 13 bandmates (Jared, Randy, Pete), Ricky the sherpa, roadies Toad and Nubby, the guys from the PA company, the eight guys in the film crew, the sound guys, or any of the special guests. He tells Tom that he’s in a Kathmandu hospital and that Dr. Sternfreund has a mustache. His memory is still somewhat shakey, but he agrees to tell Tom what he previously told the authorities earlier in the day when he just regained consciousness. Spaced out and disoriented, he’s unclear what day it is or when he last spoke to Tom.
Last Thursday, the crew had a “pre-climb throwdown” at a Nepalese bar called The Drunken Yak, an event Corey said was "so much fun". Clarence Clemons brought his sax along so they all jammed on Bruce and Red Bank Rockers tunes. Art from Everclear was being kind of a dink until Buddy Guy suggested that he "shut his cracker pie-hole", which loosened him up a bit. Corey thought that 33/38 members of The Polyphonic Spree were cool, and everyone was partying, drinking, and ended up playing football with a hardened chunk of yak dung. Corey thought this was all valuable bonding before the trek, and he got back to the hotel at 4 a.m., which he admits was a bad idea. He also regrets bringing two waitresses back to his room. He and Travis Barker had the munchies, so they stopped by a café, found two cute waitresses, and ending up “going all night”. The girls had rails of cocaine, and Corey and Travis partook in a little pre-journey Bolivian climbing powder. Corey and Travis were pretty much hungover and Corey didn’t get rolling until 3:30 p.m., which was about 10 hours after the climb was scheduled to begin. Corey’s explains that he's not much of a morning person and can’t really get it together until he’s consumed some coffee, eggs, and weed.
Corey is quite critical of Ricky's sherpa work, and says his first mistake was telling the them that they did not require several weeks of altitude acclimation exercises beyond the training at Go Climb A Rock back in Newbridge. Late that Friday afternoon, they stopped at Base Camp to get more snacks because Ricky told them there would be a convenience store. There wasn't. Corey’s not sure why Ricky would lie, but noted that he was “weird”. Luckily they alredy had enough food, so everything was set for the climb. Corey then noticed that the other climbers who were already at Base Camp from other expeditions were acting strange. On one hand, they wanted to tell Corey and his crew that they were going way too fast and were in big trouble, but on the other hand, they were kind of starstruck because they were all famous rock stars. Tom noted that not all of the climbers were famous rock stars, and Corey agrees that Buddy Guy is not that famous in the rock world. Tom tells him that Mother 13 is not that famous yet, which sends Corey into a quizzical coughing fit.
At this point, Corey interjects that he later found out why Ricky wanted them to keep going through Base Camp and not stop: Summit Cola wasn’t going to pay him unless they made it to the summit. It turns out that Ricky was not from Nepal at all, and he had a entirely different agenda. Ricky is a Michigan-based former employee of Kern Pharmaceuticals, and he helped develop their controversial weight-loss dessert called Chocolageddon. Tom consumed this product live on the air a few years ago, and tells Corey that it made him very ill. Corey said that Kern had to pay extensive fines to the government due to the product, and leading the Everest ascent was the one way Ricky could pay back his debt to the company. While Ricky talked a really good game, Corey was disturbed to find out that the closest he had ever got to a mountain was seeing a Leslie West concert. The man they were trusting with their lives was a completely incompetent sherpa. Corey compared Ricky’s preparedness for an Everest climb to that of Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer’s command during The Battle of Little Bighorn.
Guided by a non-sherpa, they trudged on from Base Camp to Camp 1, which was about 19,000 feet up the mountain. At this elevation, the conditions were incredibly tough, and Corey notes that Buddy Guy was already unconscious. Ricky put Buddy in Pete’s bass drum case, which was pulled behind them by Corey and some of the Spree guys. The elderly music legend eventually got too heavy and the air was getting thinner, so they left him behind in what they told him was a “Blues Igloo”. Tom is horrified, and Corey admits that it was basically a "snow grave". Buddy was out of it as they left, but Corey could hear him mumble some subpar blues riffs -- he was not at the top of his game because his body was shutting down. Corey compared the sound to what he would imagine outtakes from George Thorogood’s 1993 album Haircut would sound like.
Tom asks about the status of Buddy Guy, and Corey says “beats me”, but by the time they ended up getting to Camp 1, they were pretty much fried out of their minds and lost all sense of direction. Corey was amazed that they made it that far, attributing it to being “in the zone”. They wanted to stop at Camp 1 and do the concert there, still 10,000 feat from the top. Tom wants to know if Buddy Guy is dead at this point, and Corey asks Tom to define “dead”. Tom says “not living”, but Corey is still unclear, and requests a definition for “not living”. Tom says “not breathing”, and Corey says that he thinks Buddy fits that definition.
Ricky pushed them to go to Camp 2, which was another 2,000 feet. Corey admits this was not doable for people whose conditioning consisted of 300 sit-ups a day. When Clarence Clemons heard that they had to keep going, he started to go nuts, yelling about how "The Big Man" was unable to climb anymore and threatening to stick his horn in Ricky’s bottom. At this point, Corey makes some gurgling noises that Tom calls the most gruesome sound he’s ever heard. Corey tells Tom that if he had this much fluid in his lungs, he’d be making the same sounds, so he shouldn’t judge. Travis began complaining because the harsh cold had turned his trademark lip ring green and he could not remove it. He was worried that it would be frozen to his lip. Art from Everclear tried to get Travis to chill out, but Travis was becoming more enraged and threw Art down the mountain. Corey thinks it’s safe to say that Art bit it in a scenario he described as "Into Thin Air x 700".
At this point, the remaining parties include Corey's M13 bandmates, Ricky, Toad and Nubby, the PA company, the film crew, the sound guys, Travis, Clarence, the Spree, and Darren Cook, who Corey thinks is funnier than his brother Dane, though both are top-shelf comics. Art’s death made everyone reasses what they were doing and they started making a real effort to reach Camp 2. A terrible monsoon then struck just as they were towing Clarence and 10 members of The Spree, who had basically quit. The Spree forwent their crampons because they clashed with their aesthetics; they had heavy hiking gear with their white robes over top and wore Converse All-Stars. Corey told them that their footwear choice was “whack”, but they didn’t listen. Unlike Corey, Tom is not hip-hop, so “whack” is not a term he uses, but he agrees with Corey in principle.
At this point, everyone is climbing blindly through snow and wind, and Corey says it felt like a day and a half had elapsed. Ricky announced that they were on the summit and everyone was crying with joy, the tears freezing on their cheeks. They took a second to chill and then started setting up their gear, which was hard because their hands could barely move. Toad and Nubby set up the computer for the live Web chat with Brian Dunkleman, which Corey claims actually worked via hitching into a satellite feed. Corey could not type due to the cold and he kept falling behind the kids and Mother 13 fans who were sending messages. Corey was unhappy that people kept taking things OT by saying how cool it was for Mother 13 to be on the mountain typing while they were in their room in Peorio or talking about Ashlee Simpson’s nose job. They also used a lot of IM abbreviations that Corey did not understand: NFW, TTYL, and SOG, which Tom informs him means "Straight or Gay". Corey’s glad he did not know what that meant.
Corey kept trying to get Dunkleman to steer it back to M13, but Corey’s fingers were turning black from frostbite and Dunkleman kept having to constantly plug Summit Cola, which Corey found really frustrating. Since they were having trouble breathing, Corey knew that he only had 30 minutes max, vindicating Tom’s warnings from last week. The film crew got into position and Darren Cook began his warm-up comedy set. He’s was too cold to speak, and halfway through a MILF joke, his eyes rolled back into his head and he died. Corey had never experienced anything like that, except when Buddy died and when Art died. The band picked up their frozen instruments, and the amps were only eeking out "frog fart power". They launched into their first song -- a cleverly apropos cover of Led Zep’s “Misty Mountain Hop” -- but Corey’s mouth froze to the mic after one word. The band kept playing, but Jared’s guitar pedal came loose, and it started to slide away. Toad tried to retrieve it, but he ended up sliding down the hill and clung to a ledge. Jared yelled at him: “Get back up here! Get back up here! You bring that pedal back!”
Toad was still dangling, so Nubby slid down to help him, but his excessive speed caused him to go over the ledge, his crampon got hooked onto Toad, and they both went over the mountain. Corey is completely distraught by the loss of his beloved roadies and has an extended crying fit mourning their deaths. By this point, everyone was in shock, especially Clarence, who was nowhere to be found. Corey heard Ricky yelling, so he made his was over -- snowblind with the microphone still stuck to his face -- and was shocked to find Clarence eating Darren Cook as if it were a meal purchased at Boston Market. Corey found Clarence’s descent into cannibalism odd because they had 100 power bars and several bags of yak meat in reserves. Ricky said that Clarence was succumbing to an affliction known as “snow madness”. With Cook’s bicep in his mouth, a rabid Clarence looked up and glared at Ricky. Infused with adrenalin, he sprang up and started chasing Ricky, calling him “Pete”. Corey realized that Clarence was hallucinating that Ricky was folk singer Pete Seeger, whose songs comprise the new Bruce Springsteen record. The Big Man was absent from the current tour, and was not pleased, having gone off on El Boss on Thursday night at the Drunken Yak.
With the snow falling even harder, both Clarence and Ricky ran off into the distance, and that was the last Corey saw of them. Everyone abandoned the concert and tried to figure out how to get back down the mountain, which would be difficult without Ricky. Corey says that even though he had no idea what he was doing, Ricky was still the most knowledgeable climber in their expedition. And so now it was Tim DeLaughter’s turn to go nuts. Corey says that Tim had his fellow Spree members following him with cult-like devotion, and he informed them that it was time to meet the Great Spaceboat. He instructed to jump off the mountain, and they would be caught in mid-air by a spaceboat piloted by David Bowie, who would lead them to The New World.
Nobody in the Spree wanted to do this, but they were unfortunately all tethered together, so when Tim jumped, all 37 other members went with him. All dead. As with the previous deaths, Corey is very upset, though Tom changes the topic by asking him to tone down the toilet talk he used to describe Pete Seeger earlier. Corey is unaware that he's on the air because he thought Rupert had set up the first post-show interview with Katie Couric. He feels gypped that she did not call him, especially due to her recent raise and promotion to the anchor of CBS Evening News, making her top dog, doggess bitch.
The ranks have now dwindled to Travis, M13, and the PA/film/sound crew. But things got worse. Before Toad and Nubby tumbled to their death, they programmed a pyrotechnic display. Before that, everyone was fighting and it got very violent -- Pete attacked Corey with his crampon, saying that all he wanted to do was stay in law school and that he was going to die on the mountain because Corey reunited the band. Pete had the crampon up against Corey’s throat, which understandably made Corey madder than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding. Corey lost it and he killed Pete with his oxygen tank, which was a poor choice for a weapon because now he couldn't breathe. It didn’t matter, though, because a pre-timed pyro blast triggered an avalanche. The wall of snow flattened everyone, but Corey was able to ride it back down to Base Camp. As far as Corey knows, he’s the only survivor of his 66-person entourage (includes the two waitresses that Corey brought along to showboat).
Corey laments the apparent tragic death of Trent L. Strauss, who was directing the documentary of the climb. His last words to Corey involved his desire to stay alive for either his children or for the theatrical premiere of The Toolbelt Killer. He was also scheduled to receive an award for Face Peelers 3 next month in Belgium. In a scene worthy of Strauss himself, Corey coughs up some black bits that may be pieces of lung.
To honor all of his fallen climbers, Corey will change the already-questionable name of his son from Sky Stalker to something like "Rick Bud Trav Toad Nub Tim Trent Jared Ran Big Man ... Dinkins”. Corey is still unsure how he will incorporate the sound/film crews or the 38 Spree members. He decided not to honor Pete because he was so mean to him or Art because he was such a creep. For Corey, the worst thing about the whole incident was that they ultimately fell 10,000 feet short of the summit. When the storm hit, the wind was so intense that they only made 50 feet of progress, never leaving Camp 2. Ricky wanted them to think they made so he could tell Kern to erase his debt. Corey then offers Tom an apt summary of the entire ordeal: "In a way, it couldn’t have gone worse, huh?”
He did find one bright spot, and asks Tom if he has any connections in the publishing world. Corey has been making notes for A Hero's Journey, a book about one man’s journey to the summit of Everest. Tom asks him who the book is about, since he did not reached the summit, and Corey tells him that he's the titular hero. Tom reminds him that he’s on the radio, and Corey tells him to get the contact information of all of his listeners so he can provide it to Summit Cola, who will send them contracts to sign so they won’t tell anyone the truth. Corey accuses Tom of screwing things up for him and begins crying again. Tom is somewhat sympathetic to his plight, but tells Corey that he warned him of the impending disaster last week. Corey thought that since Tom is such a stupid dink, he would be wrong. Tom cannot guarantee that he will be able to get the contact information. Corey's not pleased and offers a final plea: “I’m on my back in Kathmandu with this nurse who’s got a sick mustache hovering over me and touching me.” Corey tells Tom that Dr. Sternfreund is approaching and hangs up.
Black Sabbath - "Snowblind"
Bruce Springsteen - "We Shall Overcome" (Live) (from BBC Radio 2's Sold On Song, 5/10/06)
- Andrew (aka Freddie) from Danielson (Family?) calls (starts at 2:16) to talk about the release of their new album and their exciting, expansive tour, although he will only participate in the Philly and Brooklyn (Soupjam was there!) shows due to finishing up his Information Systems schooling. Tom asks him if Ships is their best album yet, and while Andrew can’t say, he does guarantee listeners that the new album does in fact contain all new songs. Not content to conquer the the studio and the live stage, the family is also the subject of a new documentary.
MC Steinberg calls (starts at 2:21) and he's ready to battle-rap, but Andrew sucks the life out of him by not knowing who he is. A deflated Steinberg will call back later. Tom then proposes an idea for all eight core members Danielson Family to follow the example set by the members of Knights In Satan’s Service, who all released solo albums on the same day at the pinnacle of their fame. Andrew's solo effort would consist of either math rock or electronica, and he would collaborate with Soupjam to score an Unfair Record Review from Tom.
Philly Boy Roy calls (starts at 2:25) because he thought he heard himself on the radio again. He congratulates Andrew on behalf of his homeboys on the new record dropping, and, more specifically, the review he saw in Entertainment Weekly when he was at Wawa getting a hoagie and potato chips. He makes Andrew guess the brand of chips, and he goes for Herr's, but Philly Boy Roy purchased Good's.
Andrew asks PBR if he’s seen the new cheesesteak-flavored potato chips from Herr’s, and PBR is very excited ("Do tell!") about getting the two greatest things in one bag. Andrew reveals that Danielson is courting both Herr’s and Tastykake for sponsorship, two-thirds of the "The Holy Trinity", according to PBR (Wawa would complete it). Andrew is also looking at Yuengling, even though he doesn’t drink since he’s 12. PBR does not recommend drinking until he’s 13 and asks him if he's had the Tastykake fudge brownies, which are now even fudgier due to a new recipe. Andrew has yet to sample them.
PBR likes the idea of Danielson solo albums and may do it for the Ziegler family: Roy, Rhoda, Roy Jr, Rhoda Jr, little Royda. Tom is most excited for the Roy Jr. solo album since he thinks he’s secretly driving the Ziegler bus, pushing Roy into situations and egging him on. PBR is initially taken aback by the accusation, but does admit that Roy Jr. did once cause him to punch an ump at the Vet, and the same fate befell Dave Matthews at the Spectrum.
Tom wonders what type of matching outfits Danielson plan to wear for the tour, and Andrew said blue Dickies and a button-up shirt. Tom suggests dressing as Wawa employees, and Andrew ups the ante with an idea to dress as different hoagie varietals. PBR loves it. Andrew asks PBR if he’s seen the new method for smuggling beer into stadiums -- a fat suit-like device that one straps to their stomach to create the illusion that their beer bag is actually just American girth. PBR wonders if he could strap a beer pack to little Royda, and Tom’s horrified by the thought of strapping alcohol to a child. PBR cannot afford to get caught again because of the 3 strikes rule.
Danielson - "Two Sitting Ducks"
( Click here to buy Ships)
- Tom reveals (starts at 2:43) that Spike called for some air time, but he'll get none and like it because he's still under the lifetime ban from The Best Show.
- 19.5-year-old MC Steinberg calls back (starts at 2:44), and he's bedridden by seasonal allergies, surrounded by gross, wadded-up tissues. He's still on the road to recovery from payotay addiction, and as part of his rehab, he's been going to therapy. As a result of these sessions, he's learned that he's a narcissistic, bipolar, insomniac with an addictive personality and delusions of grandeur. He's also been on a few "meds" for about two weeks, and they are working pretty well. If he wants to go to sleep, he takes one pill and BOOM, he's asleep. If he wants to be awake, he takes a different pill and BOOM, he's awake. While the meds are breaking down his immune system, other than that, "they're awesome!" Tom cautions him about becoming too reliant on the medication, but MCS is unconcerned because at least he's not stabbing his friends in the knee caps anymore. He believes that he's under control and coming back strong, scribbling new rhymes on his tissues -- the meds are fueling his creativity in different ways than the payotay. Despite being sick, he wrote a new song earlier in the day and he debuts it with a live peformance. It's a bawdy rap that provides a peek inside Steinberg's chemically-altered head, promoting summer activities ranging from using powerful sunscreen, body hair removal, scouting honeys, and going to the Renaissance Fair. Add it to your playlist alongside Gnarls Barkley and "Porcupine Pie":
MC Steinberg - "SPF 69"
The downers have greatly increased MCS's sleep, so he can dream for the first time ever. Tom is sure he will find a girl to kiss this summer, but MCS is resigned to the fact that this will only occur in his dreamscapes. Tom feels a bit sad for him, but MCS just pops some pills so he can sleep and wishes Tom a good night.
The Cure - "Pillbox Tales"
- Speaking of sad, Larry calls (starts at 2:52) to praise the new MCS jam and give Tom an update on the Mavs vs. Spurs game. The calls proves to be ill-advised as Larry clearly should have let the clout he gained last week marinate for a few weeks before jumping back into the Best Show realm. He does get Tom to give his NBA predictions: Pistons clobber Cavs, Nets beat Heat in 6, Suns over Clippers, and Mavs over Spurs. In the conference finals: Mavs over Suns and Pistons over Nets. Pistons over Mavs in 5 for the championship. Larry calls Tom's picks "grapefruity" because he's not sure if he can say "ballsy" on the air. (You just did, Larry.)
Tom tells Larry to declare a topic to debate next week and, predictably, his first choice is a debate on pornography. He then reveals that he's a bus driver (Tom: "I'm sure the parents are thrilled") who works two hours a day. It's unclear if he wants to debate the merits of shool bus drivers, and he eventually settles on a discussion about who should have been named the NBA's MVP and Defensive Player of the Year. Tom find that topic incredibly dull and sends Larry all the way back down the Best Show chute, giving him the Get Off My Phone, there.
During moments like this, Tom is so glad that he has the triumphant, smile-inducing County Mounty theme to prevent the stink of Larry's call from hovering over Tom for the duration of the week. Good Guys win. Bad Guys die.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom discusses his work on the new project from Comedian of Comedy O.J. Simpson. The Juiced DVD is a joint production from Xtreme Entertainment and Tornado Todd Hutchins' LifeChanges charity.
May 15, 2006
All my friends are dead
Except Sweet Pete and his best worst album cover collection.
Sean O’Brien killed 15 people with his red hair flaming.
It's what you do with the riff that makes it.
5/12/06 Note from George: Also, because I got a Guggenheim for next year, Syracuse has been kind enough to give me the next year off from teaching. So we are staying in Syracuse and I am going to be, to use the technical term, "writing my ass off."
( Click here to buy In Persuasion Nation)
A nerd with insight.
The Cylinder of Shhh.
Having been nicely stocked with Remote Control clips, YouTube finally has a clip of the other brilliant MTV game show: Idiot Savants, hosted by Greg Fitzsimmons with Ken Ober-like aplomb. The two key clips that I hope will pop up at some point: the Grand Savant rounds featuring the guy who tore through Taxi trivia and the girl who made a mockery of their inquiries about nem Philadelphia Flyers. Josh Saitz, Ridley Scott enthusiast and publisher of Negative Capability, posted this clip, which is from the never-aired second episode of the series. In his "About This Video" text, he mentions that Time columnist Joel Stein was eliminated in the first round and, thus, was sent to the Dunce Corner (as I recall, contestants suffering this fate were required to wear a conical hat advertising their duncedom).
Note the enthusiastic arrival of the show's great co-hosts: Heather Blaze (never heard from again based on my extensive research) and Shonda Farr. Sadly, this clip does not feature the Herzog the Monkey.
Final tidbit: The Brain, aka Matt Price, has assembled some interesting credits, including Arrested Development and one of the leading roles in Bob Odenkirk's Melvin Goes To Dinner.
May 14, 2006
May 12, 2006
Televised Programming Bulletin. #011:
Mike Epps: Inappropriate Behavior (HBO, airing this month)
"For his Cops bit, Epps’ straight-faced rendition of the show’s theme precedes a ninth rate Michael Winslow-style random segment impersonation." -- Andrew Earles
Graffiti! Graffiti!
Fiber optics expert Bobby "Bob Frapples" Tisdale talks to Gothamist about growing out of NC and into NYC with A.D. Miles, Zach Galifianakis, and others.
George Clooney?
I have a feeling the Red Baron needed a little help with his jacket on Wednesday night ...
The pointing finger and driven nail.
Mr. Robert Pollard has unleashed three new side projects under the Fading Captain Series banner: Keene Brothers (Bob conjures the creamy power pop magic with Tommy Keene), Psycho And The Birds (Bob's boom box recordings molded into psych ditties by Todd Tobias, Producer For Life), and The Takeovers (Bob gives life to instrumentals by Chris Slusarenko + friends like Quasi's Sam Coomes and Mudhoney's Dan Peters). Engage!
Keene Brothers - "Where Others Fail"
(If you only see one movie this weekend, see Gattaca, and if you only have the cash for one of these FCS releases, go for this one. I think this great pop metal track -- the intro sounds like early Ratt! -- was accidentally omitted from The Karate Kid soundtrack. Imagine it playing over a montage of Daniel LaRusso getting taunted by Cobra Kai, comforted by Beth Shue, and then intensely practicing his moves under the devoted care of Mr. Miyagi.)
Psycho And The Birds - "The Killers"
The Takeovers - "Be It Not For The Serpentine Rain Dodger"
( Click here to order Blues And Boogie Shoes, All That Is Holy, and Turn To Red)
May 11, 2006
Like landing in a water bed.
Look out tall-bike nerds. Here come the longboarders.
I'm a Pepper.
Thanks to jerks like "Beau" blabbing to the papers, gems and rarities like the original 13 minute Bottle Rocket short will be gone before you know it:
May 10, 2006
Is there a nightstand?
Gone Daddy Gone
Snootchie bootchies.
Speaking of the tooting and the rocking, Kevin Smith recently wrapped up his nine part epic "Me and My Shadow" post series following Jason Mewes's drug addiction. Start with that first part there and then figure out how to work your way forward. It's a big, long read, but if you like the drug tales with the lapsing and the relapsing, it's worth it.
May 9, 2006
Destroy the mechanics. Run off like Mannix.
Ultramag is long gone (Or are they?). And that Dr. Octagon record sure came out a long time ago, huh? Well, Dr. Octagon is dead too (Or is he? Umm, yeah.). And it's been spotty mcgee for that Kool Keith rascal ever since.
Which is where the selection afforded by a track-by-track digital world comes in handy. There's this new Kool Keith project called Project Polaroid. The beats are actually pretty consistently decent and end up sounding about how that album cover looks. The problem is that they're all so very boringly mid-tempo. Save one delicious, cherry-picked one:
Project Polaroid - "Digital Engineering"
( Shake a few more at the iTMS )
The Story Of Everest.
"I get it! The ThemeWeavers have friends." -- Tom on Bay Area, theme song electioneering
"You'll get nothing, and like it." -- Judge Elihu Smails, in Caddyshack
"In the 18 years I've been doing this show, there's never been a home for braggarts." -- Tom to the mother of a Jewish teen who flaunted his bar mitzvah cash haul (not really)
"I hope these guys get expelled." -- Tom on the two Ithaca chowderheads who boldly bit his stylee
“I want Sky Stalker to have the very best.” -- CoreyHarrisDinkins on his parenting approach for his three-year-old son
"No one knows us like Rupert does, at least that’s what he says." -- Corey on the return of Mother 13's manager
“I can’t wait to get up that hill.” -- Corey, underestimating the scope of the venue for his next gig
"You will leave people smiling every week." -- Mike the Associate Producer, justifying his promotion by praising the County Mounty outro
[TBSOWFMU - 5/2/06 / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]
*Tom says "whoop-dee-doo" to the subscriber count jumping from three to 11 since last week. He's embarrassed, and if the number does not go through the ruff soon, he will pull it.
Mission of Burma - "Spider's Web"
( Click here to pre-order The Obliterati)
Calexico - "Letter To Bowie Knife"
( Click here to buy Garden Ruin)
The Little Killers - "Don't Leave Me"
( Click here to buy A Real Good One)
Tommy Keene - "Alta Loma"
( Click here to buy Crashing the Ether)
Jesu - "Dead Eyes"
( Click here to buy Silver)
Congrats to Tom for being named to VH-1's "Hot On The Radio" list!!! Here's the Top 10:
1. Marky Ramone
2. Greg from The Shark Tank (Go Steeluhs!)
3. Rick Valentin & Rose Marshack
4. Eddie Trunk
5. Alice Cooper
6. Tom Scharpling
7. Jim Rome, 'Mats enthusiast
8. Zoe Rogers
9. Hugh Hamilton
10. DJ Varo from 106 VIC's Cool Runnings
Annotated highlights of this unique specialty show with its own personality -- still going strong after nearly two decades:
- Tom considers (starts at 26:21) disqualifying the ThemeWeavers for violating the McCain-Feingold-Scharpling-Prefontaine Campaign Finance Reform bill (passed by the Newbridge Congress last year) by getting plants to send five messages supporting their theme entry. After a brief consultation with Mike the Associate Producer, Tom decides to let them remain in the contest since the campaign laws were never explicitly stated on the air. In general, Tom prefers a classier approach that lets the material do the talking, and he expected better behavior from the city of San Francisco.
After months of theme song entries, it was time for (starts at 33:43) the final McFlurry. Tom predicted that two entries would lapse into the My Brother And Me theme, but it didn't surface until later in the show when the winners were announced. The final nine jams:
1. Key Wild and Mr. Clark's "Get Off My Phone"
2. Samuel Powers Rhythm 3's "Tom Sucks". This entry forwent any attempt at winning by employing a computerized voice to zing Tom with his own FOT Pledge and concluding by wondering what's so funny about mirth, music, and mayhem. Tom can take it.
3. Jay's "The Best Show Theme". Jay is a member of the Tom-approved band, The Sea Navy.
4. MBM Enterprises's “FTS”. Tom hopes that the "F" doesn't stand for something he can't play on the radio and predicts it will be a fakeout. He also wonders if it will tell him things about himself that he doesn't want to know, like a Clinton-era horror movie. Turns out to be a non-scary clip-based theme.
5. Webmaster’s Faffer drops “Tom Made An Archive Out Of Me”. This one has some Lollipop Guild-y vocal action, and Tom's thinks it's the best of his 28 entries.
6. “Best Show Roadhouse Mix”, all the way from from Vancouver, Canada. Tom drops some Vancouver trivia: it's free of litter and housed the studio where Bon Jovi recorded Slippery When Wet. Good use of voicover legend Kendrick Martin in this theme.
7. Danny G’s “Make No Bones About It” . Contest is ova! The WINNER. This one is kind of a mixture of Tom Waits and Patton Oswalt’s slowed-down Chipmunks impression.
8. Thanks to Mr. Paycheck’s lady friend, appropriately named Mrs. Paycheck, the Toronto duo's theme gets in at the last second. Tom doesn’t like it. He LOVES it.
9. Outside Man's "Feeling Like A Creature". Yeah!
Tom cuts the contest off and starts solicting some feedback to aid his tough decision. Mike the Associate Producer puts in a good word for Paycheck, DT, and County Mounty, and then Tom opens up the phones.
- A caller tells (starts at 1:01) Tom that the middle section of the Outside Man theme made him sound real smart and authoritative, much like Ted Knight. Tom suspects a connection to Dan from Outside Man, but the caller denies it, admitting only to knowing a janitor by that name. Tom issues a GOMP in the name of sad electioneering, a blatant play to his vanity by comparing him to his hero. If Tom could be any character in movie history, it would be Judge Smails. No Han Solo for Tom. Me? Either Marty McFly, David Lightman, or the original Augustus Gloop.
- A caller wants (starts at 1:05) Tom to run through all 40 entries so he can deliver an informed vote. The caller dazzled Tom with his multi-tasking feat of driving a car, talking on one of those stupid Bluetooth things, checking his Hotmail account, eating licorice, and doing a very strong Dr. Evil impression. Tom declares him almost the most fascinating person he's ever talked to, kind of like Captain Jack as a land lover. He then asks Tom if he’s accusing him of being a pirate, Tom decides he hates him, and gives him the gentle Get. Off. My. Phone.
- A 16-year-old Jewish kid (starts at 1:12) informs Tom that his Tuesday night sessions at Hebrew High caused him to miss a lot of the contest entries. However, he still wants to make his mark and assures Tom he's not a plant. While he's not good enough to vote since he only heard the Outside Man theme, he honestly liked the submission. He's also one of the 11 proud podcast subcribers, and Tom wants him to teach his classmates about the glory of the Best Show pod. He claims he's not an evangelist, and even if he was, it would be a lost cause since his peers lack the right saichel to subscribe. Tom thinks he should fulfill his passage into manhood and not just view his Bar Mitvah as a payday. Since he's a class act, he opted against a themed Bar Mitzvah, but some people wore suits, so an unintentional Men In Black II theme erupted. I found a picture from the ceremony on his Myspace page. At this point, he begins bragging about the amount of money he got (not really) and starts whispering the obscene tallies to Tom. I think I heard him say $4.5 million (he didn't actually say that). His mother starts making a racket in the background, so Tom wants to talk to her. He commends her parenting, and she lets Tom know that her son is a big Best Show fan.
Tom asked her if she beats her son, and she says she has to use violence so he will do her bidding. She picks bamboo switches from the back yard and uses them to beat, slap, and poke him. Tom tells her about her son's bragging, which she finds gross and disgusting. Tom can't relate to such loot since he's not one of the chosen people -- he's one of the slobs. For his Communion, he got $50 and some $1 McDonald's gift certificates. Tom took this as a valuable lesson and realized that he had to earn his keep in life, unlike her fancypants son.
Tom thinks she should freeze him out and make him realize what real work is about. Since he's about the right age to start gathering shopping carts, Tom tinks a job as a lot attendant at The Home Depot would be a good fit. Tom was shocked that he would bring up his finances and was a little disgusted that a nice conversation was marred with talk about money. His mother promises to address the issue with her son and thinks it's all very bizarre. However, she declares The Best Show's 18 years on the air to be "very groovy”. Tom thinks her son needs to learn some humility before calling again, and he recommends a Ghostface-approved strap whipping.
- Tom attacks (starts at 1:21) the The Best Show, a bottom-shelf, knock-off airing on Ithaca College's 106 VIC. Tom notes that DJs Justin and Bryan throw around CSB lingo like "extended talksets" and have hijacked his personality for their broadcasting gain. In addition to having the Dean of Students put a blemish on their permanent records, he wants people to make Justin and Bryan aware of that The Kid aka El Goodo is not happy. Tom demands a title change and formal apology to avoid a lawsuit.
Later, a caller who went to Ithaca told Tom that 106 VIC is the lame, second-tier station staffed with misfits that could not get on the main station, and its signal only extends to some of the dormitories. There was some planning to call the show, but the station has gone dark and merged with 92 WCIB until school resumes in the fall. I listened to a few minutes of WCIB and heard the DJ throw down the tagline of "the station for innovation" before playing P.O.D.'s "Alive", a single from their 2001 album. I was tempted to keep listening to see if they played Mother 13's "Wired".
- John from Bruce's old stomping grounds of Freehold calls (starts at 1:23) to thank Tom for lodging "Porcupine Pie" in his mind. He considers it to be very dangerous and compares it to the fatal hilarity in Monty Python's "The Funniest Joke In The World" sketch. Tom is compelled to sing it, undoubtedly increasingly its stranglehold on John's brain space. Tom then struggles to get John to say NAWlins like Kevin Spacey in Midnight in The Garden of Good and Evil.
- Amber in Chicago calls (starts at 1:26) during her first-ever live listen to the show. She's been dreaming about Tom's infidelity and wants to weigh in on the theme contest. She refreshes Tom's memory on Isothermal's quirky "Tuesday Night Stomp" and the soothing strains of Folk Star Bob's "Sit Back And See".
- Corey Harris from Mother 13 returns (starts at 1:35) to talk about the changes in his life since his rock 'n roll dreams did not not come through. Corey first called Tom back in July 2002 (he thought he was calling a Morning Zoo and called Tom "Bobzilla") when Mother 13 released their RCA debut, High-Dive, and were hitting the corporate-sponsored summer festival circuit. I actually saw Mother 13 at the Newbridge Arts Center on the Huggies "Fall Into Softness" tour and was not impressed -- they closed with an inept cover of "Crazy Train" and Corey unleashed endless, cringe-worthy banter ("Yo, Newbridge, we're gettin' ready to rock this bitch!"). At one point, he unsuccessfully attempted to crowd surf on a plank of plywood. In fairness to M13, they did have the extremely unenviable task of following blistering sets from Marcy's Playground and Seven Mary Three, so perhaps I should cut them some slack.
Tom reminds him of his past arrogance, such as claiming that Mother 13 would play 10 nights at Giants Stadium. Corey said those dates would have happened if Rupert, their manager, did not pull such a choke job and their publicist did not drop the ball. After getting dropped by RCA, things went into the dumper for Corey. He worked at Radio Hut, and then he got a job at the NC Orange Julius, where he may have served Tom at some point before he got fired. Corey doesn't want to get into the details of his termination, but says that Tom probably read about it in the police blotter under his real name. He can't really say what his real name is but then reveals it's Corey Dinkins, a less desirable stage name than Corey Harris. He can't say what he did to get fired, but then reveals that he "fluffed" in someone's drink. He did it to a few customers, but, as far as he knows, Tom was never victimized. Tom's disgusted.
As things bottomed out and he parted ways with both the label and Rupert, he realized that he got lost in the process of becoming a rock star. Corey admits to being arrogant and riding high when he first talked to Tom, but now he's driven by the art and the music, not by trying to become the next Kurt Cobain or Lenny Kravitz. He also married a total skeez named Sheila Larson, who completely took him to the cleaners financially. The high point of the relationshiop was having a son, the light of his life. He's now three years old and is named Sky Stalker, a reference to a character from The Transformers. Tom laments that Corey's one of those parents who gives their kids weird names that will cause them to endure years of ribbing. Corey is starting to find this out now because his original plans for Sky's schooling were thwarted. At the time of his birth, Corey was just days away from getting a solo deal and huge advance, which would allow him to send Sky to the Newbridge Day Academy, the crème de la crème of Newbridge's elite schools for the rich set. The NDA is a progressive, artistic school where the kids actually grade the teachers.
Corey figured that Sky Stalker would fit in there and rule the roost, but since the solo deal fell through, he had to send him to public preschool. He got beaten up on the first day, and Tom points out that it does not bode well for his high school years. After removing Sheila from his life, he has been home schooling Sky Stalker with a curriculum of Mandarin Chinese. Corey doesn't get the language, and Tom doesn't know why he is teaching Chinese to his three-year-old son. Corey informs Tom that this is standard parenting and that everyone does it. He also corrects Tom by noting that it's Mandarin Chinese and calls him a jerk for the omission.
While his son may be headed for lifelong mockery, Corey's creativity is flourishing. The original Mother 13 lineup is back, and he paid Rupert a lot of money to settle all the lawsuits and bring him back to the fold. His main reason for calling is to tell Tom about an incredible, international news event that Mother 13 will be involved in over the weekend. In a nutshell: Tom is talking to the lead singer of the first rock band to ever play Mt. Everest.
Tom doesn't know what he's talking about, and then clarifies that he knows the mountain, but doesn’t know how a rock group could play there. Corey tells Tom that the band will start climbing the 29,028 feet on Friday and will play on the tip on Sunday. Tom points out that if the band actually gets up there, they will have to deal with 1/3rd less oxygen. Corey is unphased because the band totally trained for weeks: lots of jogging at the Newbridge High track and climbing the 20-foot, indoor wall at the NC Go Climb A Rock. Corey estimates that he scaled the wall about eight times. To approximate the increased altitude of Everest, the band would climb the wall, grab some beers at Los Amigos, and return to climb the wall some more before doing more partying. Corey has also been doing 300 sit-ups a day and is totally cut. Tom is skeptical that increased abdominal muscle tone is a priority for embarking on such a grueling feat of endurance.
Corey says the concert is sort of part of a promotion, but is mainly a bonding experience for the reunited band members. Some other people will join them on the trek: their two roadies, Toad and Nubby, two guys from the PA company, an eight-person film crew, three sound guys, and some special guests who will jam with Mother 13 for a song or two each. Tom reminds him that he will only have about 30 minutes to exist at the peak, but Corey thinks he can extend that by using big oxygen tanks that will be hauled up the mountain. Corey is a little concerned about 70-year-old Buddy Guy, but he thinks Travis Barker will do well. Other guests include Art Alexakis from Everclear, Clarence Clemons, and The Polyphone Spree, who are now up to 38 members.
The event will include a warm-up comedy set from Darren Cook, Dane's younger brother. Due to time constraints, Tom recommends that he just tell a single knock-knock joke. He's not sure that Corey understands how dangerous a voyage he is about to undertake. Corey was assured that everything will be fine by Ricky, the sherpa hired for the band by Summit Cola, who is sponsoring the event. Summit Cola is a new power drink from KernCo's food division, and Corey provides the details of the sweet deal: they pay for everything as long as Mother 13 plays the show, plants the Summit Cola flag on the peak, and inflates a 60-foot soda bottle, affixing it to the mountain.
Tom tells Corey that he will not be able to complete all of the tasks, but Corey retorts: "We are so." Corey says the best thing is that the show will be totally simulcast on the Web at Summit Roxx. He will participate in a live chat before, during, and after the concert with host Brain Dunkleman. Tom politely requests that Corey rethink the event, but the wheels are already in motion. In fact, Rupert already granted Katie Couric the first interview, but Corey offers Tom the first radio interview this time next week. Tom gladly accepts.
Corey is already in Nepal and intends to start some acclimation exercises on Friday after a Thursday night of partying. Tom wonders what Corey has lined up for substenance, and Corey tells him that he has 300 Summit power bars minus 20 already eaten by Clarence Clemons. Tom recommends more, and Corey hopes that Summit can FedEx some since Nepal has no shops for snacks. Ricky told them that some people have died during the quest, but that is because they failed to hire him. Corey doesn't like the doubtful tone of Tom's voice, and Tom can't figure out why he would follow up a newfound apprecation for art and music with a dangerous stunt. Corey predicts that Tom will eat his words when he’s the most famous guy in the world in the most famous band in the world. Tom offers him a sincere wish to "Be safe", but Corey tells him not to worry because the sit-ups have done their job. Corey is much more worried about all the crow Tom will have to eat.
- Larry the Perv (starts at 2:01) gets Tom to play the "Nice or Not So Nice" game:
Scarlett Johansson: Nice
Michael Rapaport: Not So Nice
Maggie Gyllenhaal: Nice
Jake Gyllenhaal: Nice
Jamie Foxx: Not So Nice (Foxx is Larry’s fave actor due to his work in Any Given Sunday and Ray)
Denzel Washington: Nice
Halle Berry: Not So Nice (as celebrity) / Nice (as pretty lady)
Ashton Kutcher: Not So Nice
Demi Moore: Not So Nice due to Kutcher associaton
Rob Pickle: [withdrawn]
Ron Howard: Nice
Henry Winkler: Nice
Larry halts the game to express his enjoyment of Tom’s hott new new Myspace picture. Tom drove the GGW bus the past three weekends, but signed a no-talk clause so he can’t relay any radio-appropriate stories.
Larry then falls back on his pervy past by continuing the game with a trio of featured actresses: Tawny Roberts (withdrawn), Tera Patrick, and Jenna Jameson. Tom ends the game due to the dirty talk, but still congratulates Larry for staying on the air for more than 30 seconds and running a good game for a while. Larry hopes to work his way up to a regular segment called "Larry's Debate Corner", which Tom pencils in for a show in 2350. Tom speculates that Larry's arc could be similar to MC Steinberg's rise from quick GOMPs to a Ben Wallace-esque franchise player. The reference reminds Tom to go to NBA.com to get an update on the Nets vs. Pacers game that almost caused him to abort the show so he could see it live. Tom has Nets fever.
Larry calls back to thank Mike the Associate Producer for his role in getting him on the air. Tom's not so sure he's crazy about a potential Mike-Larry side deal. He hopes he does not hear Larry on the air with Justin and Bryan on 106 VIC.
- The theme contest is over and Tom is ready to reveal the winners (starts at 2:28), but not before Tony, the ringleader of ThemeWeavers, Limited Liability Corp in San Fran, checks in discuss the commotion caused by the late-innings electioneering. Tom informs him that the Bay Area scene could use an extra dose of dignity and austerity, but Tony assures Tom that the campaigners are some of the biggest certified Best Show fanatics on the West Coast and did their homework by reviewing all of the entries prior to sending the missives. Tom questions the magic that occured to direct all of them to the entry recorded by their friends, and Tony admits that since their entry was submitted early in the contest, they did not want to get lost in the shuffle. Tony thinks the e-mail ruckus was justified and concedes power to Tom's meritocracy. Tom wants Tony to remain on the line to hear the winner -- Danny G's "Make No Bones About It". Tom then tells Tony that it was not in fact the winner, which leads to an amusing, self-inflicted GOMP: Tom recites the tune's refrain of "Get off my bone", which Tony misconstrues as a directive to disconnect the call.
A mixup allows Asia's "Heat Of The Moment" to briefly sneak into the winner's circle, followed by Tom's heartfelt appreciation for all of the entries. He's humbled and taken aback by the talent of his audience. Tom's ready to declare the winner, but there's another Asia intrusion, this time it's "Only Time Will Tell". Tom's ready to get serious and declare the real winner: one of the many "My Brother And Me" ruses. Enough is enough.
Mike the Associate Producer helped Tom realize that there isn't always just one best entry, much like the logo contest, which had three winners. Tom lays out the 19 winners:
The show will start with something to set the mood and help Tom get his head in the game: Chris L's "The People's Theme". With the table set, Tom will rotate the formidable trio of Shock The Claw, DT, and the last-minute entry from Mr. and Mrs. Paycheck. Tom's sick of his bed music, so after the first set of rock records, the show proper will now begin with ThemeWeavers LLC's "The Best Theme for The Best Show".
Finally, Tom needs to end the show with message, and nothing stirred him more than County Mounty's anthemic "Good Guys Win (Bad Guys Die)", which guarantees a triumphant ending to the show, obliterating the submarine attacks by the likes of Captain Jack and Seafaring Willis. The song will also make you want to punch bad guys. Tom is confident that the new songs will give the show a better flow and inspire him with their juiciness. OCDJ and Officer Tom call to commend Tom for his selections, with the latter giving 5 out of 5 bullets to the Paycheck entry. DT checks in to accept his award for Best Adapted Screenplay.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:
Corey returns to tell the story of the story of the story of Everest. (I scoured the Web but could not find any news stories on the historic show.)
Fairport Convention - "Who Knows Where The Time Goes"
Toot up before you shoot up.
May 8, 2006
Me just enthusiast.
They don't call the vampire with math fetish monster, and me pretty sure he undead and drinks blood.
May 7, 2006
Coincidence?
I think not. Please don't hurt 'em x.
May 6, 2006
Hot Fuzz
So you say, "just what are those crazy limey kids Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost up to these days?" and I say "pig says wink"
May 5, 2006
Beastie Boys vs The Mohawks
X asked me about other good Beastie Boys fan remixes. Here's the entire list. Feel free to find all those and pull out the three good ones. I have two that use source material from Alan Hawkshaw's library funk band The Mohawks. You may remember them from the classic break "The Champ". The first one is by The Soulsavers. It is semi-legit since it was pressed on wax. The other is credited to a P3ibol.
Beastie Boys - "Alive (Soulsavers Remix)"
Beastie Boys - "Intergalactic (Incredible Thump Mix)"
The Mohawks - "Beat Me Til I'm Blue"
The Mohawks - "Senior Thump"
Don't let your kids sit on this.
Southpaw comedienne Chelsea Peretti may just be the world's best blogger. Her posts rarely contain more than a few lines of text and are often simply an image of herself. With such devotion to the brevity thing, it took a few weeks of perusal for me to get in sync with the CP rhythm, but once you're there, each piece becomes a mesmerizing work of artistic precision. So then. Let's make it a Chelsea Friday (not to be confused with a Marilyn Monday):
1. Better late than never: Ze Frank relays a very good CP tip on child safety.
2. The new Variety Shac short comedy film "Bodega", which contains some very good tips on party planning. (Prune juice! Who knew!)
May 4, 2006
Mmmwa-ha-ha!
Now if he could only kill everyone on stage with Jedi force lightning this would be SO wicked.
DSC_2039.jpg, DSC_2040.jpg, DSC_2041.jpg.
I don't care how gracefully goofy she is -- if Karen O was standing over my shoulder while I was importing pictures into iPhoto, I bet you a million bucks she'd be all, "Ugh. Can you please delete that one?"
Hey I was just told to do press today, man.
Jay Babcock (ex-Grand Royal, Mean) bumrushes Godsmack.
Somewhere between October and next February, it will hit all parts of the country.
Oh no. Please.
Even if they offer a Mahky.
May 3, 2006
Kind of like Caine walking the earth ...
I just don't see how this could possibly NOT be good.
What if he had a twin? AND they rode motorcycles?
I'm not entirely sure I understand what I'm looking at in this picture. I guess this artfully composed image allows for a slight bit of clarification, but still.
Polo shirts are the new t-shirts
May 2, 2006
Hale's Handy Hook.
Not sure why it took his arrest to trigger the thought, but how much cooler would it have been if Artie's boiled hand resulted not in bandages, but a more Arrested Development-y replacement appendage?
Porcupine Pie.
"How much do you believe in your cause?" -- Tom, challenging the elderly Bob Grant to a bare-knuckled fist fight for political dominance
“The live version of 'Porcupine Pie' is the most important and innovative heavy metal song of the 1970s.” -- Chuck Eddy via e-mail
“The DVDs are selling like hotcakes.” -- Todd Hutchins on LifeChanges' Tornado Todd’s Soriority Skank Patrol series
"You’re sick." -- Todd, assessing Tom from supposed video footage he has of him
"We kind of fudged the boundaries of reality and fontasy in this thing." -- Todd, on the world of Pimp City
"Fred Savage paid the price and so will you." -- Todd on Tom's grisly fate
“John Wilkes Boothe? He’s good?” -- Tom on the seemingly incongruant name check in “Done Too Soon”
"If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch!" -- Sage advice from a tough t-shirt
“You don’t come around here pushing Peter Tork under the bus. Not on my watch.” -- Tom, sticking up for his favorite Monkee
"It just always feels right and then it always feels wrong." -- Scag Winesack on his eight trips to the altar
"Then there should be more pork chops in the lyrics." -- Cindy Winesack-Goldfarb on an oversight in "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)", a song about the fontasy lives of Rupert Holmes and his portly wife
[TBSOWFMU - 4/25/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]
Scratchy Record has an ear for impressions, but one thing Scratchy Record doesn't have an ear for is noisy, Midwestern guitar units. And to that I say heave ho, five in a row:
Eleventh Dream Day - "The Lure" (from Zeroes and Ones -- dumb dunce jerks; good guys)
Eleventh Dream Day - "Way Too Early On A Sunday Morning" (from Stalled Parade)
Eleventh Dream Day - "Makin' Like A Rug" (from El Moodio)
Eleventh Dream Day - "I Could Be Lost" (from Live To Tell)
Eleventh Dream Day - "Sweet Smell (from Prairie School Freakout)
Bonus track: Tom's Uncle Bill - "Gonna Fly Now" (Theme from Rocky)
Pop open a nice cold sodey (preferably a fancy Lime Rickey or Black Cherry varietal instead of some weirdo swill like Diet Coke), grab a bowl of chicken ripple ice cream, and dig into some annotated highlights of the Hot April Night:
- The penultimate week of the Theme Song Contest (starts at 27:43) included a remix of The Plarns' "Best Theme #1", Sireel's "Aborted Trout Song", and "The Best Show on WFMU Theme Song" from DT (Will Croxton, formerly of DT and the Shakes), who knew how to cut to the front of the line by incorporating the Volcano Suns' "JAK". DJ Terre T called to discuss a station issue with Tom, but not before expressing her love for the DT theme, citing "JAK" as her fave Volcano Suns track, if not the best song ever written. She also got in a pre-segment vote for Worst Song Ever: The Beatles' "Hey Jude".
TheCleef then delivered “Can’t Melt Juice”, a jazzy walk down Memory Lane filled with clips ranging from obscurities like barbershop quartet enthusiast Zachary Brimstead, Esq, who has not called since 4/3/01, to recent classics like Marky Ramone's Lady Wainsworth's Desires reading. This is my favorite of the clip-based themes. The final entry of the evening came from notorious kook Seafaring Willis, who ranted against Tom for expedited mailing costs and lack of airplay last week. Turns out that "Tom's The Bomb" (version #14) is not too shabby.
For me, it still comes down to The Big 3: ThemeWeavers, LLC vs. Shock The Claw vs. County Mounty, with DT a possible wild card due to the Tom button pressing. There's also a rumor that Wizardzz are working on a 38-minute theme called "The Hidden Fortress in Lake Newbridge" that they hoped to send overnight in time for a spin tonight.
Buffalo Springfield - "Down To The Wire"
- Tom launches (starts 57:44) a discusson on the Worst Song Ever, a welcome return to the fun world of worst-of anthologies (see great late 2005 runs through unfunniest funny people and ugliest bands). Any song from the annals of the 900-year history of music was fair game (even cantatas), and Tom wanted to stir up some skin-crawling, heebie-jeebie inducing, transcendentally bad tunes. He was pretty sure he knew the the right answer, but wanted to get some listener feedback before the big reveal. Here are the votes:
1. Kiss - "Rockin' In The USA"
The caller pointed out that this track was from the Side 4 studio portion of Alive II, which also featured a cover of the Dave Clark Five's "Anyway You Want It". He noted that this was also the final song The Ramones played at their final gig. He then dished a bit of trivia: Edward Vedder was the night's Pinhead and sang harmony with them on that song. Proud moments.
To illuminate its badness, the caller laid down some of the grammatical genius of one G. Simmons: "In France, they really had the chance, yeah, there was plenty romance / I've been to England too, there wasn't much to do / One thing I know is true, what I would rather do is / Rockin' in the U.S.A."
The Dave Clark Five - "Any Way You Want It"
The Ramones - "Any Way You Want It"
Kiss - "Any Way You Want It"
2. The Steve Miller Band - "Abracadabra"
3. Debbie Boone - "You Light Up My Life"
4. The Eagles - "Hotel California"
5. Alan O'Day - "Undercover Angel" (the caller was quite passionate in her disgust for this song, calling it "execrable" and "detestable" with absurb subject matter about a night prowling angel who fornicates with a man to reassure him that he will find another human lover.)
6. "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You" This song was originally composed by Scotty Wiseman and has been widely-covered. I think the caller had this rendition in mind:
Ringo Starr - "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You"
7. Collective Soul - "Shine" (This has always been skin crawler for me, which is odd because it's a fairly innocuous southern rock'd up post-grunge deal, but a few seconds of that main riff and it's queasy time.)
8. Bonnie Tyler - "Total Eclipse Of The Heart"
9. Starland Vocal Band - "Afternoon Delight" (The caller find this song to be creepy; for me, it will forever be tied to the narcotic mix-up on Arrested Development)
10. The Beatles - "Glass Onion" (The caller declares this the band's "clip show" song; Tom admits it's goofball but rejects its place on the Worst Song Ever list)
11. Exile - "I Want To Kiss You All Over" (Tom disqualifieds this song since it was featured in Happy Gilmore)
12. "American Anthem" (This caller was GOMPed.)
13. Paula Cole - "I Don't Want To Wait" ("So open up your morning light / And say a little prayer for I." Caller says me no likey.)
14. Richard Harris - "MacArthur Park" (Tom thinks this is one of the best songs in history)
15. "Do They Know It's Christmas After All" (Tom disqualifies this one because its a song of love, not hate, and it helps people)
16. Jefferson Starship - "We Built This City" (4th Worst Song Ever per Tom, garnering back-to-back votes; despite its fontastical urban planning, I admit to liking this song.)
17. Minnie Riperton - "Lovin' You"
18. Billy Ray Cyrus - "Achey Breaky Heart" (5th worst)
19. Styx - "Babe" (3rd Worst)
20. The live version of Neil Diamond's "Porcupine Pie" from Hot August Night. WINNER. Rich successfully names the worst song in the history of mankind. Tom plays the track and does a brief analysis, pointing out that of the hundreds of decisions that must be made when writing and performing, Neil got them all wrong. One of his major transgressions was unleashing a cartoony, Zeph Marshack impression ("Who sings like that?," Tom wondered) on paying customers at the Greek Theater. The live setting ups the ante as Tom played some of Neil addressing the crowd, including the "tree people" in the back. Neil proceeds to do a bizarre riff about the Greek being a place that God made for performers to go when they die, where they will be greeted by an robe-clad MC who looks like Guy Kibbee. As pointed out in the chat, it appears that Mr. Diamond smoked some payotay prior to taking the stage. Tom also notices that Neil himself sounds mortified when saying "Oh my God" during the song.
When Tom harmonized along with Neil, I was amazed that even the Worst Song Ever sounds good when El Goodo is belting it out.
Neil Diamond - "Solitary Man"
Neil Diamond - "Done Too Soon"
Neil Diamond - "Save Me A Saturday Night"
- Tom conducts (starts at 1:21) a follow-up to the wildly popular 2003 interview with Todd Hutchins, nicknamed "The Miracle Man From Missouri" for his well-publicized five-mile jaunt inside the maelstrom of a twister, escaping with only a broken ankle. While on a media tour that included an appearance on The Sharon Osbourne Show (checked YouTube for a clip, but no luck), Todd stopped by the WFMU studio for an emotional chat. Tom played a snippet featuring a distraught, crying man determined not to blow his bonus round in life and vowing to live a more purpose-driven life of helping the sick and downtrodden.
Todd joined Tom via telephone and appeared to be in a similar emotional state having listened to the clip of himself in a fragile, repentent state. Todd noted that the incident is indescribable and it's impossible for anyone to ever know the terror of being enveloped by a tornado and thinking you have only seconds to live. At the time of the tornado attack, he was on the fast track to the Big House due to heavy abuse of alcohol, pot, cocaine, harder things, as well as participating in crime. In order to capitalize on his second chance, Todd founded a non-profit charity called LifeChanges to finally make his mark on the world. Todd says it's the greatest feeling to know that he's giving birth to so many smiles, and as it nears its second anniversary, the organization is thriving thanks to brisk sales of all 17 volumes of Tornado Todd's Skank Patrol DVD series.
Tom is baffled since he was under the impression that LifeChanges focused on building houses for the poor and drug counseling. Todd said that he did build some homes and help people get medical treatment, but in the past two years he learned a lot about himself and what his main strength is: bringing the most skankalicious soriority girls into the living rooms and frat houses of America's horniest men. Tom thinks it's a complete 180 from his original goal, but Todd thinks there is no difference between helping an underprivileged family pay their heating bill and providing the nation's most sexed-up frat members with videos of the nation's trashiest skanks doing some things that Todd admits are "just plain sick and weird." In Todd's mind, they are both public services that deserve equal apprecation.
Todd questions Tom's right to judge him, but Tom counters by saying that he donated money to LifeChanges with the expecation that he was supporting a legitimate charity that helped the needy. Tom wonders what happened to the man who was crying his eyes out two years ago, and Todd fills him in on another life changing day he had after the miracle survival. Todd was in El Paso overseeing the construction of a hospice, and after a long day of hard labor in the hot sun, he saw an ad for one of the GGW (Girls Gone Wild) videos. The promo took him back to his days in Missouri when he would frequent the bars and strip clubs of his old stomping grounds.
At this point, he realized that while he was doing good charity works, he somehow felt empty inside. He felt the urge to return to certain elements of his old life -- primarily the sex and the drinking. Since he could never go back to drinking, he chose to focus on the sex, which he claims to be quite skilled at, prompting Tom to "ask anybody" should he desire corroboration. The next day, Todd went to Radio Hut and bought their best POT80 camcorder and starting filming his first video that night at the Armadillo's Gunnysack, a popular frat and soriority hangout. The shoot was apparently quite successful, as Todd informs Tom that under the right filming conditions, "those ladies would gladly show the camera everything the dear Lord gave them."
Tom’s completely flustered and horrified, but Todd assures him that he's still helping people. Tom asks him why he would release the videos under the banner of a non-profit, and Todd points out that it's for tax purposes: LifeChanges "don't have to declare nothing, like earnings." He does donate some of the charity's profits to his brother's charity -- "The Hippy Johnny Foundation", based on a compound in Mellow Grove, N.J. Having talked to the hippified tyrant last April, Tom declares him a "complete dirtbag", though Todd says he's always been nice to him. Tom's anti-HJ stance makes Todd think that Tom might also come down on the Tornado Todd's Celebrity Smut Patrol. This series feature very erotic footage of today's biggest stars, although Todd cannot reveal them due to ongoing legal entanglements.
The footage is captured by Celebrity Smut patrol foot soldiers, who do whatever it takes to film celebrities doing sick stuff. They travel all over the world to befriend stars by posing as agents, rich people, or even members of royalty to lure them into cinematic debauchery.
Todd claims to have footage of Tom, though it's too sick to describe over the radio. Todd's pretty sure that it's actually Tom, but either way, he'll say it's him when the video is released and let America judge him on Tornado Todd’s Sickest Celebrity Sex Tapes. In this contest, a panel (Ron Jeremy, Danny Bonadoose, Merle Allin, and Tom's favorite director, Trent L. Strauss) watches the tapes and votes on the entry that they think is the sickest. The winner gets his or her own DVD, appropriately and simply titled I'm Sick.
Todd will submit the tape featuring who he thinks may be Tom to the contest and believes it will come down to either Tom or Joe Simpson. Todd filmed Simpson himself, taking him in a ruse in which he pretended to be Sahib, the King of Salty Arabia, a bit of intentional mispeak to avoid potential legal trouble should Simpson ever try to get him.
Todd proposes something that Tom could do to make the tape disappear: agree to supply the voice for Big Money in Pimp City, a new LifeChanges video game launching in December. The game's narrative involves the hilarious adventures of Big Money, the city’s most vile pimp who is totally bad news and takes no s hit from anyone. The game is also obviously heavily influenced by Grand Theft Auto, which Tom says aloud, but Todd will not because he's already in trouble with 113 other companies, so to to be safe, he won’t cite any official product names.
The city's female population does not like Big Money and the local cops are after him, led by Officer Harrups, who will be voiced by Ron Pallilo. Todd thinks it's a real honor for Tom to be a part of the project and his only competition for the voicework is Dave Matthews, who is also being blackmailed. Todd claims to have filmed Dave doing stuff that would make Hugh Hefner blush. Dave is very upset with Todd, and Tom cannot understand how he could actually release these tapes. Todd thinks Tom sounds like he's madder than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding, and wants to run some lines.
He gives Tom some direction to really feel it and lay into the role, reminding him that Big Money is a big, mean guy with no desire to take any s hit. He also notes that Tom is his preference because Mr. Matthews is not so cool in his book. He promises Tom that if he reads the lines, he will get rid of the tape. He attempts to issue a fake pledge, "I, Todd (with one d) Hutchings, will destroy the tape that is allegedly of Todd Scharplin, if he reads these lines"), but appears to eventually get through it without any abnormalities.
Tom's audition for Big Money:
1. "Big Money needs to get pizz-aid." (Nails it on the second take)
2. Which one of you [ladies] is gonna go get me a handburger?"
Tom notes that the food item is a "hamburger", which is a revelation to Todd, who thought it was "handburger" for his entire 38 years on Earth. He's a bit confused since it's not made from ham, but seems receptive to Tom's corrective.
3. "My pimpmobile needs to be detailed. Which one of you skanks is gonna do it?" (Tom nails it)
4. "Which one of you [jerks] stole my hot dog?" (Nails it on the second, more angry take)
5. "Where’s Pippin?"
Todd explains that Pippin is Big Money’s coke-crazed pet ferret, who will be voice by Todd. While it's not perfected, Todd gives a sampling of the high-pitched, weasely voice he will use for the character: “What up, Big Money? You gettin' pizz-aid? Can you set me up with some rails, my man.” Tom questions the notion of a talking, cocaine-addled, domesticated animal, but Todd reveals that LifeChanges has fudged the boundaries of reality and fontasy in Pimp City. The latest odd pronounciation prompts Tom to bust Todd's hump about what he's doing to the English language, and Todd doesn't like it. He claims that he does not have to make good on the deal and destroy the tape because of a nuance in the way he said his last name during his earlier pledge.
Todd then offers Tom the role of the face/pitch man for Faux Nuggs, LifeChanges new line of "legal weed" that will be sold in head shops. Todd admits to Tom off the record that the product is in fact actual marijuana that is treated so it does not smell like weed. It's also purple so it looks like incense, but word eventually leaks that it is real doobage. Tom hopes that the drug pushing lands Todd in jail; Todd threatens that if Tom rats him out, he will get an exclusive tour of the Jersey marshlands from Yuri, a soulless bastard from Siberia that works as his enforcer. Todd once saw Yuri shove Fred Savage's face in a toilet for pawing a LifeChanges skank at a party.
Tom's disgusted by Todd's descent into depravity, and replays the 2003 interview snippet. Todd laments how that guy was in such a bad place then, and feels that everything is great since he found his calling as a Skank Patroller. Tom thinks Todd sounds creepy, which leads Todd to predict that Tom's head and arm will end up in the swamps of Jersey after being "pretty much dismembered" by Yuri. At this point, Todd realizes that he was on the air and calls for Yuri to start the car so they can head over to the WFMU studio.
Bruce Springsteen - "Rosalita (Come Out Tonight)"
Toots and the Maytals - "Pressure Drop"
- Evan in Montclair 0704207039 calls (starts at 2:13) about his ill-advised decision to fill the final two minutes on his wedding mix tape with "Porcupine Pie". Nobody liked the track, though his marriage is about to hit the 10-year mark. He still listens to the tape in his car, but has to remove it when Zeph comes on. The topic of the Hot August Night album cover comes up during this call, but Tom abstains from any commentary because he fears that its content would get him thrown off the radio. I've certainly seen the cover image before, but its outrageousness -- the full-on phallic pantomime of it all -- never fully registered until now. Wow.
- Teased in past shows, Tom finally does his riff (starts at 2:18) on macho, tough guy t-shirts, especially those offered by Big Dogs, who supply all the clothing for the LifeChanges Smut Patrol foot soldiers. Mike the Associate Producer is a fan of this line and was actually wearing one of their shirts during the show. Tom's appalled by these Master Race-promoting tops, and recently saw an obese subway hoodlum sporting a "Pleased To Beat You" t-shirt featuring a dunking basketball player. Tom doubts the kid could even make it up the floor during a 3-on-3 full-court game. Shortly after the show, I ordered my first tough t-shirt. STONES.
- A caller switches the topic (starts at 2:21) to The Monkees, having recently read The Monkees: The Day-By-Day Story of the 60s TV Pop Sensation. He thought Mickey Dolenz came off as cool in the book, but recalled a sour run-in that Tom had with him. Tom recounted the incident, which occured at a prestigious, star-studded event.
Tom spotted Dolenz standing by myself, so he approached him to tell him that he was a huge fan of Head. Dolenz blew him off, responding with "Yeah, a lot of people say that", and turning away. The caller mentions that the book reveals the band members to be sour and bitter, citing Peter Tork as the most insufferable. Tom disputes that, opting for Davy Jones, and GOMPs the caller for bersmirching Tork and pushing him under the bus. Tom speculates that Dolenz's dismissal of The Kid led to the demise of morning show on WCBS-FM, and calls for Dolenz to apologize to The Best Show to reverse the kaybash put on him.
Tom proposes two tough t-shirts:
1. Front: "You Don't Come Aroud Here Pushing Peter Tork Under The Bus" w/ picture of a guy shoving Tork under a bus with the slash/circle "No" symbol. Back: "Not on my watch!"
2. Front: “I’m a big dog, Dolenz” w/ picture of Tom and cartoon dialogue bubble Back: "CBS-FM RIP". Mike would not wear this shirt.
The Monkees - "Do I Have To Do This All Over Again"
The Monkees - "Tear The Top Right Off My Head"
- Scag Winesack calls (starts at 2:26) from outside the WFMU building and wants to come up to the studio. He's only in town for a few days and doesn't want to miss his window of opportunity to finally meet Tom. Tom lets him up and after some headphone modulation issues, Scag explains that he's been on a road trip en route to the Edgar Awards, honoring excellence in the field of mystery writing. Scag has had some undocumented excellence in this field, including a consulting gig for the 1980s television serial, In The Heat Of The Night.
Scag brought along his fifth ex-wife, Cindy Winesack-Goldfarb. He's currently single and has had three ex-wives since his 8-month marriage to Cindy ended. Cindy was driving through Eerie, PA, because Scag owed her some child support, and he asked her to take the road trip to the Edgar Awards so they could split the gas bill. Cindy picked out a dress for the show, but Scag did not actually secure any tickets. Scag is certain that he will get in, but Cindy might be on her own, which she won't mind since it will give her a night off to look for a Hot Topic in Times Square. Tom mentions the Hershey's store and Cindy is impressed that even though Tom just met her, he could identify her weakness. Cindy notes that she is weaker than most when it comes to chocolate and choices in men. Scag’s weakness is free James Lee Burke novels, and Tom informs him that he can get his fill of those towards the end of the ceremony when tables of mystery novels are wheeled in and attendees are given carry-out bags. Scag thinks it sounds fantastic and asks Cindy if they can shift her crap in his Peugot 505SI to make room for the loot.
There is some discussion about whether Scag is the biological father of their daughter, Jessalyn, but Scag would rather not get into it on the radio. He prefers to detail what Cindy calls a "humiliating" matter of infidelity that ended the marriage. While working as a bodyguard for Rupert Holmes in 1979, Holmes's wife had an affair with Scag shortly before the release of Partners In Crime. Scag claims that he's the subject of the song "Him", and brought a Greatest Hits compilation to play it for Tom. He hopes that there is no bad blood with Holmes since he's always had a massive amount of respect for him as an artist and did not engage in adultery to spite him.
Tom's excited to hear it after getting the juicy backstory, while Cindy can't understand why she could not bring her toothbrush on the trip. Scag explains that he was concerned that his car wouldn't be able to hold both the toothbrush and the Holmes disc. Cindy cannot remember how long she has been sans tootbrush because her sense of time has been replaced by throbbing in veins she did not know she had. The Peugot's radio is not functional, so the driving time has creeped by with alternating angry and awkward silences between Scag and Cindy.
Scag carries the Greatest Hits CD with him at all times and wrote the liner notes. He presents the booklet to Tom, who sees normal liner notes with red ink markings throughout. Scag said the printer made some serious production mistakes, causing him to have to make some substitutions, replacing any "I" or "My" with "Rupert Holmes". There is also a vital mistake at the bottom of the third page in the form of a Rupert Holmes signature, erroneously suggesting that he is the author of the liner notes. Scag scribbled out the error and wrote his name in red ink over the top of it.
Just before playing "Him", Cindy zings Holmes's wife by calling her fat, but doesn’t fault her because cinnamon rolls are delicious. Prior to the segment, Tom always thought "Him" was just a song about fontasy characters in Holmes's mind, but Scag points out that the characters were actually in his bed. Scag tried to get into music in the mid to late-1980s, and, in addition to Holmes, was influenced by Buster Poindexter's "Hot Hot Hot" and the faux blues of Bruce Willis’s Return to Bruno. He recorded a demo of "Knockers At 9", a track he thought might become a hit and get some MTV airplay. The song's premise involves Scag pulling up to stop lights and gazing into the car windows to his left to check out the enormous gazongas of the drivers.
He sent Rupert Holmes the demo, but never heard back from him. He last contact with Holmes was the day he fired Scag in 1980. Tom wonders if Scag is hoping to see Holmes at the Edgar Awards since he now straddles the camps of songwriting and mystery, but finds his novels to be soft-boiled, “Mary” stuff. Scag has no time for such swishery on the streets and the marina where his houseboat is docked. Cindy asks to stay with Tom instead of Scag's unfortunate lodging choice -- the hourly rate Libert Inn. It's not a good week for Tom, so Cindy will probably spend the night in the passenger seat of the Peugot. Tom recommends brushing her teeth with the Rupert Holmes CD. Tom inquires about why Scag is always rushing to the altar, and Scag said he feels like it's "The One" every time, but it always ends badly. His shortest marriage was a 3-week fling in which Scag was drunk for the entire duration. He thinks his ex-wife took care of the divorce papers, but he has not followed up on it -- it's one case he was not interested in solving. Scag eventually sobered up in another part of the country. Tom's intrigued by the layers of story that can be peeled away from the onion of Scag.
Tom apologizes on behalf of Scag and feels sympathy for Cindy's efforts to get child support, but then realizes that Jessalyn is 26 years old, so becomes neutral on the Scag-Cindy dispute. Cindy asks Tom about the availability WFMU internships for Jessalyn, but none are available.
Rupert Holmes - "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: MC John Junk will reign supreme, Tom hits all his cool music queues, and Marky Ramone calls to discuss his soundtrack work on Internet hype sensation Twenty Miles To Newbridge (brilliant work, BoboKick):
And remember: Your influence counts ... use it!
Robert Pollard with The Ascended Masters - "Maggie Turns To Flies" (Live at the 40 Watt, 1/26/06)
May 1, 2006
"Let's eat 'til we throw-up"
Rent this DVD and laugh as hard as you possibly can...
Happy Birthday, "Planet Rock"!
24 years ago this month Afrika Bambaataa's "Planet Rock" was released. In '92 Tommy Boy did a 10-year anniversary project. An unknown at the time, DJ Shadow was asked to contribute a remix.
Edited excerpt from an interview with DJ Shadow in 33 1/3's book on ...Endtroducing:
The next thing I know, a guy named Albee from Tommy Boy is asking me to remix Afrika Bambaataa's "Planet Rock," which is one of the most influential records ever made, bar none. I accepted because I didn't want to blow this chance at an inroad with Tommy Boy. This was the first time I had set foot in a real studio on my own. Tommy Boy gave me a dub of the original 2-inch reel. I had no idea what reels were. This was all so new to me. I had no idea how we were going to do it. There was an engineer. Fortunately, he was able to help navigate. I didn't know how to sync things up. I didn't know how I was going to do it. Tommy Boy gave me $750 up front, and that was going to pay for food, gas and studio rental for that one day. I had to go in and do it all in one day. I was terrified. But we got through it. And the result, I thought, was OK. I mean, back then, I felt like everything I did was OK. But I was crushed because I sent the result to Albee at Tommy Boy, and then I couldn't get him on the phone for two weeks, and then, when I did get him on the phone, he goes, "Uh, yeah, I got it, I got it. You know, we were all real disappointed." I just go, "Oh, what? Really? What do you mean?" And he's like, "Yeah, it just wasn't happening." I was crushed. It was also when I learned a major, major lesson: never do anything just for the money.
So, gathering dust on a shelf somewhere is DJ Shadow's remix of "Planet Rock". While DJ Magic Mike's remix below is great stuff, everything else on the 10-year anniversary remix album is not. So was Shadow's remix really that bad? We'll probably never know. Recently there was a panel discussion about the making of "Planet Rock". It sounds like it was both boring and had some great moments. We'll probably also never know who “Man with 808” was.
Afrika Bambaataa - "Planet Rock (Bass In The Planet Mix)" (iTMS)
I have lost the people skills.
The Chicago-based duo The Like Young have crafted an enjoyable collection of punky pop complete with prerequisites such as cooing harmonies and good 'ol angst. They're yet another husband-and-wife musical pairing that should serve as inspiration for couples everywhere: soundproof the basement, bang out a Myspace page, and get to work. (Also applies to siblings, but please leave granny out of the mix.)
The Like Young - "All The Wrong Reasons"
[I get a bit of an early Weezer feel from this one; Amanda's vocals serving as a kind of Sharp counterpoint to Joe's Rivers-y verses and then uniting for the chorus. Yes? Maybe? Whuuuuuut?]
The Like Young - "Something Fell Through"
( Click here to pre-order Last Secrets for 10 smokolas)