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Toilet Talk.

"You're gonna have to taste my wrath soon." -- Zeph Marshack, threatening Jeff Feuerzeig for being unreceptive to his documentary film ideas
"Game. Set. Match." -- Jeff Feuerzeig on being defeated by Buffalo '66
"Freddie, not that far off." -- Andrew from the Danielson Family on Tom almost getting his name right.
"Am I dreamin'?" -- Philly Boy Roy, wondering if he had heard himself on the radio
"I bite no one’s style!" -- Tom, when accused of lifting playlists
"The kids didn't have the pipes." -- Bryce Prefontaine on the contestants during American Idol's Queen night

[TBSOWFMU - 4/11/06 / Podmirth* / Jingle Jams / Myspace / Headquarters]

*Only two subscribers as of 4/11/06. Radio Zero has 5! Enlist in the Podcast Army. Tell a friend about the fun. Boom, boom, zip.

Birdmonster - "Skeleton Suit"

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Eagles of Death Metal - "Don't Speak (I Came To Make a Bang)"

( Click here to get sentenced to Death By Sexy)

Boris - "(weird Japanese writing aka Track 7)" [Wata!]

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Quasi - "Alice the Goon"

( Click here to buy When The Going Gets Dark)

Grandaddy - "Rear View Mirror"

( Click here to pre-order Just Like The Fambly Cat)

Finally, Giant told me to post this:

Lair of the Minotaur"Metal Juggernaut"

( Click here to pre-order The Ultimate Destroyer)

Note to Tom: last Thursday, I heard Acapulco Rodriguez giving out the exclusive Best Show number that sets you back $50/week. I tried calling to issue a cease-and-desist order, but could not get through.

Annotated highlights of the last of the steam-powered radio programes:

- Tom plays a new game (starts at 33:41), and while it was not officially named, I am going to call it "Eccentric Emotional Moments" (EEM). Tom's setup was that one thing that is weirdly unique amongst all humans is that everybody can get choked up over some off-the-radar moment that only affects and speaks to them. In other words, not just some intentional heartstring-tugger like the father-son catch in Fields of Dreams, the end of Titanic, or, say, just about any scene from 8MM. Mike the Courageous Call ScreenerAssociate Producer is up first:

When Mike was a kid, his family was watching Lassie, and his older brother was on the floor in front of the television, engrossed in the sad episode featuring the death of a dog. When the show ended, he turned to his family and said, “It’s so sad", revealing that he had been driven to tears. Tom thinks Lassie is meant to be emotionally manipulative, thus not exactly what he was after.

Tom admits to being one of five people on Earth who gets emotional during Pee Wee’s Big Adventure when the titular hero saves the day by darting in and out of a burning pet store to rescue all of the animals one by one. Despite his hatred of snakes, Pee Wee ultimately saves them as well before passing out on the sidewalk. Tom can’t help it -- he's moved by how giving Pee Wee is for choosing the pets over his beloved bicycle. Also, if you didn't think the best way to stop kids from trying crack cocaine is via a bizarre man-child wearing a bow-tie then you'd be dead wrong.

TRocks is moved by many moments in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, especially when Splinter informs the turtles that they have passed their last test and declares his love for them. While these mentor-student sentiments have universal appeal, TRocks correctly notes that, for most people, the emotional tug would be negated within the context of four ninja turtles receiving words of wisdom from the spirit of their almost-deceased rat sensei. However, he teared up and struggled not to cry as recently as a few weeks ago. Tom thinks this shows TRocks to be a deep and soulful person, and Mike the Associate Producer got a bit choked up by the call.

Mike is still trying to think of a moment and turns to animation for some ideas. Tom suggests the scene in the experiemental Water, Water Every Hare where Bugs Bunny fills up a glass at his water cooler in the midst of sleeping through a flood. He's eventually washed out of his residence and floats his way into a mad scientist's castle. W,WEH or Baseball Bugs are Tom's fave BB cartoons; for me, it's hard to top Bugs and a plump Nazi.

Weepy Chicagoan Scott is a bit embarrassed to say that he was hit hard by nostalgic footage in used in bank and car commercials a few years ago -- a deep-voiced narration about the power of innovation as the Wright brothers achieved liftoff in the background. "Spitzer" in the FOT Chat suggested that Scott's call was a snoozefest, but Tom thought it was very well-modulated and clearly the work of a sound engineer extraordinaire. I'm no audio guru, but I thought it was a good call in terms of tech specs and content.

Chris L is worn out from dodging all of the excitement in Maryland and cried on an off throughout the colliding nerds documentary Spellbound. He viewed it the day after the Super Bowl and had a revelation that while the National Spelling Bee is a pointless competition, it's no more meaningless than various celebrated jock things in American culture. It's the one chance for nerds to shine, and he wanted them all to win, choking up with each misspelled word. Prediction: Chris L will end up with tear-soaked crab cakes while viewing Mad Hot Ballroom.

Emerson from Chicago was set off on an existential bender after seeing Judge Doom dip one of the dancing shoes into his chemical dip (turpentine, acetone, and benzene) to test out its ability to kill cartoons in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?. Emerson was devastated for days, contemplating larger issues of life and death. (He also proposed an interesting theory re the snooze button chat quip: perhaps Spitzer detected the sound of an alarm clock in the background and was directing Scott to silence it.)

Stefanos from the Isle O Staten took a break from tanning salonery and pimping his sick ride to discuss a scene in an animated version of Frankenstein where the monster gets the hint that his hijinks are messing up the lives of those around him, and decides to jump off a cliff. This was too psychologicaly harsh for the 6- to 8-year old crowd and it sent Stefano under the coffee table with his cousin, where his mother and aunt found them crying and hugging each other. They laughed in the faces of their children. Proud moments.

Shael from Middletown, NY was devastated at age 13 by the "Presence" segment of the 1987 Japanese anime collection of artsy shorts, Robot Carnival, which he saw on the Cartoon Network in 1995. In the short, an inventor is life is unfulfilled so he embarks on a secret project, using parts from a junkyard bin to build an eerie and life-like robot girl. He teaches her how to be a person and she ends up leaving him. Years later when he's an old man, he's sitting on his porch waiting for her and as she moves towards him, she slips and shatters into sand-fine particles and blows away in the breeze.

Here's an Omar EEM three for Tuesday:

1. A scene towards the end of Trent Strauss's underrated It’s Raining Membranes: a Jesuit priest (C. Thomas Howell) strangles five members of a rival parish with rosary beads, skewers them, douses them in gasoline, and leaves them to spit-roast in a picnic area behind the church. He speeds away in his Hummer and while stopped at a red light, a deluge of human and animal membranes fall from the sky to remind him of his myriad sins. He gets out of his car and is devoured by a trio of cannibals (Stacey Keach, Elina Lowensohn, and David Cross).

2. "I've had a rough year, Dad." -- Chas Tenenbaum (Ben Stiller) to Royal Tenenbaum (Gene Hackman) in Wes Anderson's The Royal Tenenbaums.

gallotruffle.jpg3. "Hot Chocolate": the hilarious and moving final scene of Buffalo '66. It's both a satisfying end to an extremely unique character study and a joyous ode to a singular artistic vision. The scene is certainly intended to pack somewhat of a punch, but it comes at the end of a film that is anything but standard Hollywood heartstring fare. It accrues power from an odd comic rhythm -- its unmitigated Galloness. The performance in the scene is masterful: Gallo, clad in leather jacket and darting around the store with jitters from newfound happiness (having just aborted a grisly murder-suicide attempt involving former Buffalo Bills placekicker Scott Wood), confirming with the coffee shop clerk that the hot chocolate is indeed hot and requesting that he "Make it good, good one". He then inquires about some heart-shaped cookies and buys two: one for Layla and one for another patron so he can take it home to his girlfriend. Then this:

BILLY BROWN
What do I owe you?

CLERK
Okay, let's see

(Starts ringing up the items)

BILLY BROWN
Go easy. Easy, easy, easy.

CLERK
Okay, okay.

BILLY BROWN
Easy.

(Register clattering)

CLERK
Four bucks on the nose.

He tips the clerk $1 for no reason, and leaves the store. The camera then closes in on a vase of roses that fades into a shot of him and Ricci -- her Gallo-applied blue eye makeup particularly vivid against the reverse-stocked neutrals -- entwined on a hotel bed as Yes's "Sweetness" leads the way to the end credits. The sequence retains its original potency even after 25+ viewings.

Vincent Gallo - "Lonely Boy"
King Crimson - "Moonchild"
Yes - "Sweetness"

( Click here to buy the Buffalo '66 soundtrack)

- Jeff Feuerzeig (starts at 1:04) returns for a post-release chat now that his cinematic quilt has become "sausage in the corporate machine". He casts a colonic hex on the Boston Herald's James Vernier (who still gave the film an ok B-) and The San Diego Union-Tribune's David Elliot for bucking the general consensus and being in over their heads when reviewing TD&DJ. Elliot found DJ's art childish and bad, and felt Feuerzeig circled his subject like a "besotted bug". Vernier didn't embrace DJ, claiming he made Robert Crumb and Harvey Pekar "seem as huggable as Forrest Gump by comparison." Feuerzeig's sources at the Landmark Sunshine confirm that the film is a laugh riot compared to Crumb. Tom is a big fan of Crumb, but had to shower after seeing it. In short: Jeff believes he made a "love bomb" of a film, and is disappointed that it has spawned some haterz in certain markets.

- Zeph Marshack checks in (starts at 1:28) and claims he had another run-in with Mike the Associate Producer, who was rude and threatened to throw a shoe in his face, though he would never cop to it. He asks about a rumor he read the other day on Velvet Rope that suggested that Feuerzeig made Mr. Johnston act like he did for the benefit of the filming. Jeff assures Zeph that there was no acting in the film and that it was a legit documentary.

Zeph then asks if it's true that Feuerzeig is going to make a documentary about "Monoman" (aka Jeff Conolly). Jeff's a fan of The Lyres and calls "She Pays The Rent" a masterpiece; Zeph is partial to On Fyre, and thinks the band kind of lost it after that. Zeph then offers a series of documentary subject ideas: Todd Abramson, Dan Zanes, Richard Barone (perhaps titled Maestro Barone or Drums Along The Hudson), and Jason Ringenberg. Jeff does not believe he's the appropriate person to make these films, which makes Zeph madder than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding. Jeff will soon taste his wrath.

The Lyres - "She Pays The Rent"

The big news of the Feuerzeig call is that he hopes to make a Vincent Gallo documentary called Saint Vincent. Do it! Call Hank Rank and tell him to put that Soup Can on the market! While he has not officially approached Saint Vincent, he's been doing research for years. Jeff and Tom discussed Gallo's Republicanism, which would be ripe for exploration in a documentary that would try to illuminate the man and his Art. Tom wonders if it's just a case of intentional contrarianism to rile people up, but Jeff believes it's a legit political stance.

Jeff proposes a WFMU "Gallothon" to raise funds for the film. Sounds like a good idea. Maybe Yo La Tengo could stop by and do some Jackson C. Frank covers. Vince could contribute some premium swag -- Mouse Pledge gets you an autographed Dick Cheney lithograph. Lots of fun talk about the wild Vincent Gallo merchandise boutique, and a few items were added since the show, most notably an escort service under miscellaneous (No way Jose!). This is some of the funniest stuff on the entire Intronet.

- Rick in Newbridge calls (starts at 1:37) about the rumors that Feuerzeig was going to do a documentary on Marky Ramone. Jeff's a huge fan, but thinks Marky is doing fine with his own documentaries. Ron agrees, but thinks that in Jeff's hands, the films could be even greater than they already are. Tom and Jeff suspect the caller is Marky Ramone, as Jeff met him on a plane a few months ago and remembers the voice. Ron denies it, but plugs Marky's new line of Satin Shine house paints in black leather. At some point, Rick changes his name to Ron and parts with a "Hey! Ho!", the final tip-off for Jeff. Tom is not 100% convinced it was Marky and will review the tapes later. It's possible it was Earthdog Fred doing some impressive voicework.

- "Freddie" from Danielson returns to The Best Show fold (starts at 1:44) to inform Tom that his name is actually Andrew. He recounts his younger days of rocking out and jumping on his bed while listening to the Violent Femmes and the perils of trying to impress his friends by showing them pictures that appear to be from Halloween.

Andrew has been working with his agent to put his oldest brudder in his place and take over as the captain who steers the Danielson ship. Tom wants to help Andrew by bringing his dirty songwriting chops and guitar playing to this new rock duo. Andrew unleashes Philly Boy Roy-inspired pronounciation of "xylophone", which he blames on having a piece of cheesesteak in his mouth. He tries to emulate PBR as much as possible, though he's never seen the local legend, who is spotted about as frequently as Bigfoot.

Daniel calls to weigh in on the trash talking, and Tom informs him that he's no longer the boss of the family -- Tom Smith has taken over. Andrew will start blowing him away after he and Tom finish the song "Baby Wants To Boogie", which will sound like slower Foghat, early ZZ Top, and Black Oak Arkansas. Sample lyrics: "Baby wants to boogie all night/baby wants to boogie all night/Shake it to the left/Shake it to the right/Baby wants to boogie all night." Andrew and Tom win in 2007.

Tom warns Daniel to stay away from the weirdo in Polyphonic Spree and wonders if a Danielson-Spree fight could be arranged. The Danielsons would likley win easily due to their South Jersey corn/tomato field attitude, Pennsylvania Dutch strut, and diet rich in shoe-fly pie. They have also been known to successfully wrestle bears and will enlist SoupJam Stevens and/or awaken the Jersey Devil from the Pine Barrens, if necessary.

- Philly Boy Roy calls (starts at 1:57) because he just tuned in and heard these guys talking and thought it was him. Andrew is pleased to hear a local and PBR gets some geographical particulars from him (lives in the heart of cheesesteak town in West Philly, but not as far out as Yaden), but says "No thank you" to Daniels stomping grounds of South Jersey and will not go near Exit 2 off the turnpike. Tom asks PBR what he thinks of the forthcoming 12-on-48 Danielson-Spree bout, but he needs to hear their music before delivering a prediction. While he hasn't heard any songs, he's pretty sure that the Spree are a terrible, "low-rent Flamin' Lips" after reading about them in four publications.

He's intrigued by Danielson and hopes they will play a show in Kensington or Fishtown because places like The Kyber are too far in-town for him. He tells Daniel and Andrew to keep it real and gives "props back to youse guys" before requesting to hear a cut.

Danielson Family - "Did I Step On Your Trumpet"

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- The one e only Bryce calls (starts at 2:24) to help Tom chill out after getting revved up by the kids who were sticking it to him for playing a Death Cab For Cutie song that was not within the traditional playlist purview. "It's only music," says Bryce, and whenever he gets bummed out, he just takes a sip of tea and he's not bummed out anymore.

Tom speculates that he just took a bong hit, but Bryce says that's for Tom to say because he doesn't want John Q. Law on his butt. In addition to the tea, Bryce is feeling good because he just purchased Jerry's toilet. Tom's asks who Jerry is, and Bryce says that's like saying "Who's Jesus?" He bought the can from from Hank, a guy he met at a Rat Dog show. He would hang out with Hank in the parking lot and often go to Denny's or back home during Drums Space, returning to the show while Drums Space was still going on. He sold Bryce the toilet that day and installed it while Bryce was in his room doing something. It was dark and his vision was a little clouded by tea smoke.

During the call, Bryce goes into his bathroom to check it out and bathe in its glory. He begins to think that the toilet looks a lot like his old one except it now has a Dancing Bear sticker on it. He thought that he and Hank were tight bros, but he now believes he got scammed. The real JG toilet is currently missing after being stolen from online casino GoldenPalace, which often pays boxers to tattoo their website on their torsos. Bryce's brother, Brent, got it the URL tattooed on his face, but forget to collect his money because he was too baked.

Bryce and Tom engage in an extended guessing game of how much Bryce paid for the faux commode and eventually land on a price tag of $58,500. The last time Bryce had been ripped off that badly, he bought a bail of oregano, exhausting money he had earmarked for an McMansion. The toilet ruse has made Bryce madder than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding, and when Tom seeks some clarification on the meaning of that phrase, Bryce retorts: “It’s self-explanatory, you dummy.”

Bryce switches the topic, asking Tom if he saw that night's episode of American Idol. He gives Tom a hint as to the evening's sonic inspiration by singing an alternative version ("Weed on your face") of Queen's "We Will Rock You". Bryce didn't like the show and has been bombarding the AI message board with suggestions for improvement. Tom is not surprised to find out that Bryce's desires a seven-hour Grateful Dead night. Bryce worked out a setlist:

Kelly - “China Cat Sunflower”

Bucky ("He’s a contestant, you dummy") - "Mississippi Half-Step Uptown Toodleloo"

Paris – “Wharf Rat”

Taylor – “Tennesse Jed”

Tom wonders where the hits are, so Bryce gives him:

Chris – “New Minglewood Blues”

Elliot – “New New Minglewood Blues”

Ace – “US Blues”

Katherine – “Estimated Prophet”

Bryce offers a few non-Dead alternatives: "One Toke Over The Line", Ben Harper's "Burn One Down", and Steppenwolf's "Don't Step On The Grass". Tom doesn't think it's a good idea to mix techincally-sound cruise ship singers with endless Dead jams. Bryce then reveals that the most important ingredient of the show will be requiring the contestants to get baked with him prior to performing. Ryan Seacrest will still do the intro and prep stuff, and then Bryce will do power bong hits before and during the program. Phil will also be there playing bass solos. Tom does not immediately identify Phil, and Bryce says that is like saying "Moses, who?" This prompts Bryce to ask Tom if he's heard about Moses, the latest addition to the Paltrow clan. Tom doesn't care about that stuff, but Bryce thinks it's the coolest and appreciates the streak of creativity and not caring that shines through when parents unleash these kinds of names on their children.

When Bryce has a kid it will be named Kreutzmann Phil Lesh Mountain Girl Garcia Brent Mydland Pigpen Keith Godchaux Prefontaine. The late Steve Prefontaine, the greatest American distance runner, is Bryce's uncle. He liked one of the foot race movies about Steve (presumably the far superior Without Limits) and hated the other one.

He played an ice cream salesman in one of them, but was cut from the film because he was too baked and nobody could understand what he was saying. In his scene, Steve enters the stadium and signs some autographs before looking into the ice cream cart. Tom runs lines with him and Bryce recreates his performance on the day of filming: He delivered the opening of "Hey, Steve, [long beat], you gonna win today"? before yelling at the director for a line reading, which an angry script supervisor gave him. Bryce took a sip of tea off to the side of the set to clear his mind, and then yelled "Action!". He was supposed to ask Pre if he wanted some pre-race fudge ice cream, but he went off-book and asked him if he wanted a bong hit.

Bryce thinks it’s 3 a.m. instead of 10:47 p.m. since it seems like he's been talking to Tom for hours instead of about 20 minutes. He plans to take one more sip of tea and then kick Hank's ass. He tells Tom not to be surprised if he reads about a murder-by-bong in the next day's Newbridge Times. If he finds out that Tom rats him out to John Q. Law, there will be two area murders.

Here are two tracks that will be peformed on American Idol by Lindsay Weir and Jeffrey Rosso:

Grateful Dead - "Box of Rain"

Grateful Dead - "Ripple"

- The Kid was riding high at 999 Myspace friends, and had some trouble selecting someone suitably deserving and cool for the prized 1,000th slot -- a commitment deeper than any marriage. Some contenders did emerge: Elin from Danielson, the voice of Master Shake, Katie (who earned points for Top 8ing The Leather Uppers). Others were nixed due to dirty talk, illustrations instead of photos, crazy page effects, and not being fans of television.

- The show was closed out (starts at 2:57) by a theme song entry from DJ ERT ("Petey vs. Led Zeppelin vs. ERT"), as the contest is drawing to a close. The winner will be announced during the Theme Song Spectacular on 5/2/06!

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU:

weirdness.png

He's baaaaaaaaaaaaack (can't wait to hear how his prose compares to his droopy phone voice), there will be no discussion of Tom Hazelmyer because the world needs more people being FOR stuff, and Dane Cook calls to discuss his vast collection of tough t-shirts.

Trust The Kid's ears:

Fleetwood Mac - "Monday Morning"
Death Cab For Cutie - "Company Calls"

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