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The Twindling.

"Chit chat chit chat all over the Internet." -- Classic schoolyard taunt
"Corn has never looked so sexy." -- Tom Scharpling on the maize maidens from Hee Haw
"If this game was a casino, you'd be doing a dance right now cause the little sireen would be going off over your slot machine." -- Tom to a man who's seen Hot Tuna live four times
"Are the guys from Part Chimp ashamed of how hard they rock?" -- Tom, so close to the perfect throw
"Say what you will about their music, the guys had nice coats" -- Larry Smirthwaite on Hootie and The Blowfish's outerwear
"Oh, Daddy's back!!!!" -- Larry after drinking some "Mountain Dew"
"Youdoin'rails?" -- Larry, repeatedly inquiring as to whether Tom was snorting cocaine
"I'm young!" -- Tom on the perceptions that his radio voice conjures a much older man

[TBSOWFMU - 4/4/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / (Mostly) Mouthbreather-Free FOT Zone]

Elope - "Dragonstone"
Elope - "Not Even Close"

( Click here to buy 3WD)

Tommy Keene - "Going Out Again"
Tommy Keene - "Turning On Blue"

( Click here to buy Ten Years After)

Robert Pollard with The Ascended Masters - "Supernatural Car Lover" (Live at the 40 Watt, 1/26/06) [from the forthcoming Normal Happiness]
Robert Pollard with The Ascended Masters - "Fair Touching" (Live at the 40 Watt, 1/26/06)

[Go here to download tracks from three forthcoming Fading Captain releases: Keene Brothers, The Takeovers, and Psycho and the Birds. And go here to follow the progress of Phil Szostak's Pop Zeus -- a comic book tribute to GBV.]

Annotated highlights of the top-notch,top-tier, top-shelf, terrifically taut, tentpole show, ably hosted by Tom's twin brother, Donald Scharpling:

- Tom recaps (starts at 25:20) last week's discussion of the mutant bike syndrome, where he used TBS as a pulpit to attack the Brooklyn street filth. He took tall bike PR Minister Purple Shirt to task, causing him to fold like a cheap camera under the glaring lights of justice. This segment touched off a new TBS War and the opposition is a bit more prickly than the Poster Kids. The other day, Tom was strolling through NYC just trying to enjoy his ice cream and take in a warm Spring day. At nightfall, Tom found himself on a darkened, strange street as tall bikers surrounded him. Tom told them he was not looking for trouble, but they informed Tom that he had indeed found trouble as a result of his big mouth. One of the bikers pulled out a vial of acid and threw it at Tom, scorching his arm. They warned him that if he continued to use the WFMU airwaves to riff on tall bike culture, he would be killed.

The bikers were also swinging chains, and one mutant was wearing a filthy leather jacket littered with gang lingo that Tom could not fully make out because he was too busy dodging steady streams of acid.

The gang then executed a horrifying thrill kill: as Tom writhed in stinging pain on the sidewalk, the bikers circled around an old lady and her grandson as they carried bags of groceries. The gang's leader emerged and whipped the old lady with a chain until she hit the ground and was pronounced dead. Yes: these hoodlums offed an old lady just to watch her die. Another gang member provided the young boy with a programming note: "Watch the 10 O'clock news; you're gonna see all about your grandma."

Tom noted that one of the filthmongers was giggling throughout the murder as though he was seeing a show at the Laugh Factory. Tom did not find any humor in the event and is not scared of them. He will continue to expose tall bike culture.

- Tom dips into the mailbag (starts at 31:56) and expects crickets to pour out of envelopes, but instead finds various theme song entries, including an overnight pack from Seafaring Willis containing a re-recorded theme along with photos of a child, a bird, and a cut-out of the Gorton's fisherman from a box of fish sticks.

- Tom asks listeners (starts at 35:35) for help identifying an .mp3 sent to him by FOTer sparkiepop. The song stumped the denizens of L.A., but Tom is confident that his musically-advanced audience could quickly name the mysterious keyboard melody, supposedly from a hit song circa the late 70s/early 80s. Add it to your playlist!:

Unknown - "Mystery Keyboard Replication"

While it was not identified, many songs/bands were eliminated from contention: "Game of Pricks", Jesus Lizard, MIDI Orchestration Demo, "Turn The Beat Around", Uncle Kracker, "Straight Outta Compton" (Tom sings a bit and thinks it's close to being correct), Babyshambles, the new Best Show theme song, and "Cum on Feel the Noize" (also sung by Tom). I've listened to the track 343 times since the show and came up with two possibilities: Celtic Frost's "Circle of Tyrants" and A Tribe Called Quest's "Bonita Applebum".

Nina Gordon - "Straight Outta Compton"
N.W.A. - "Straight Outta Compton"

- The "Am I The Only One On Earth" game makes it debut (starts at 42:52), and Tom starts things off with AITOOOE who thought that Shaun of the Dead was just OK. Tom's not sure what the big deal is about this C- zombie picture.

Other Tom entries:

AITOOOE who has never seen a full episode of Law & Order in any of its nine variants. The Kid's got no time for Law & Order, and neither does Mike the Courageous Call Screener.

AITOOOE who misses Mort Downey, Jr. Tom thinks about him all the time, as though he were a lost relative.

AITOOOE who has not seen Titanic. Tom actually saw a half hour and was not pleased with the cinematic depiction of the hemmorhaging of $$$$$$$$.

AITOOOE who would rather watch Jay Leno's monologue than David Letterman's monologue. Tom finds Leno to be a consistently and irredeemably awful host of The Tonight Show, but Dave used to be something special and is now just a cranky old guy. Tom watches Leno because it's a perversely fascinating peek inside the worst dynamic of American comedy -- a left/right politcal scorecard approach to joke writing to achieve a pallatable center for the masses.

Here's a full roundup:

- Scott from Chicago: AITOOOE who gets a really violent, sickening reaction to the sounds emitted by the rock group Steely Dan. He is not, as Tom also hates them, calling them "bad stereo demonstration rock". However, those Steely Dan gold discs are also very effective when used as part of an elaborate sonic ruse.

-Listener Normal Dave in NYC: AITOOOE who hates Pulp Fiction. Dave was revolted by the film, which he found to be puerile and lacking any kind of compelling center. He called the fractured narrative a cheap film school storytelling gimmick rife with pointlessly hip violent gags and stupid dialogue. I think Dave will enjoy Grind House.

- Matt in East Orange offers a film trifecta: AITOOOE who hated Wild At Heart (Metacritic confirms my perception that this was not a widely-beloved film beyond certain cinephile circles and Lynch loyalists.), hated Pulp Fiction, and has never seen E.T.

- Jeff checks in from an East Hanover gas station en route to rock a Belty-haunted Home Depot by purchasing mouse traps, fertilizer, and grass seed. AITOOOE who thinks that Some Like It Hot is not funny at all. Tom is generally with him, declaring the film "funny-ish" in a dated way, but not actually full-on funny. Jeff can't locate all of the supposed great lines and neither he nor Tom are buying Tony Curtis doing Cary Grant. Tom thinks the best thing Curtis ever did was the narration for Hollywood Babylon II. There was also discussion of the Curtis-Roger Moore pairing as two playboys sentenced by a judge to solve crimes in the camp classic The Persuaders.

- Beau, a sports enthusiast from Hotlanta, brings it: AITOOOE who has extremely vivid memories of being babysat by Roy Clark from Hee Haw. The babysitting session apparently occurred in a trailer home while living in El Paso, TX (4th-worst city in America, but filled with proud, stuck people), and also included Buck Owens and one of Clark's cornfield beauties. In his memory, Beau was stuck in his playpen, heard trains roaring nearby, and was generally ignored by Mr. Clark. His parents deny that this ever took place and Tom sides with their logic over the 3-year-old version of Beau, suggesting that as he slept in his crib, they watched either Hee Haw or Petticoat Junction and his malleable mind concocted this faux brush with celebrity sitters.

The late, great:

- Christopher from Cranston, RI: AITOOOE who has a fear of small children (primarily ages 3 to 6) with adult-sized eyebrows. Tom asked him what he would do if he became a proud parent and discovered one morning that his new toddler had these ghastly brows. The solution would be that he'd abandon his family by taking the next Greyhound bus out of town. Christopher notes that he had normal eyebrows as a child, but grew into an adult man with large eyebrows. Huh.

- Rock star Ted Leo: AITOGOE who is insanely frustrated and made awkward and sad by the current male obsession with body hair removal. Ted's part Italian so he's got something going on hair-wise, and he's also half Irish, which leaves him with skin that doesn't tan (bummer at the Siren Festival) and the dreaded monobrow. Ted recalls the glory days when Hollywood studs could opt to go au naturel with their chest hair and still be thought of as desirable men. Tom tells Ted not to worry about the bare-chested, twentysomething jerks parading around the MTV beach house, because when they hit their 30s, their dancing days will be over.

This prompts Tom to issue another entry: AITOOOE who is repulsed by the Isle of Staten youth who have abandoned the crazy good 'ol disco times with their buddies for a faux-hard mobster stance. Tom encountered some of these would-be Sopranos outside of a tanning salon acting as though they were running some top-shelf criminal show, when they were in fact running the Office Max across the street. Ted predicts that none of them had any chest hair, but Tom is certain that they will obtain big fat guts when they hit the 3's.

Tom ultimately declares that Ted is like Charles Atlas kicking sand in the face of his audience. Speaking of Atlas, after an embarassing encounter while spring breaking at Lake Newbridge, I have enrolled in the Atlas regimen. A week from now: the new, improved Omar.

I also think it's time to launch a HOF campaign for Mr. Ted Leo. My only reservation is that I saw some pics from SXSW and detected an unmistakable "steroidal fury", suggesting that Mr. Leo is juicing with performance-enhancing drugs in an effort to retain a competitive edge over younger musicians and potential battle rap challengers. These rumors have swirled around for a few years in various Intronet message forums, and I just saw a sample chapter from Under the Sheets, a meticulously researched tome that claims to have evidence that Ted used something known as "The Creem" while recording parts of Hearts Of Oak and upped his program for Shake The Sheets due to jealously over the critical and commercial successes of Franz Ferdinand, Wilco, Arcade Fire, and Kanye West. Since Lookout and Touch & Go had no extant policies forbidding these substances at the time, the RIAA has assembled a commission comprised of Gerard Cosloy, Henry Rollins, Kurt Rambis, renowned nutritionist Udo Erasmus, and Tom Delay to investigate the matter and quell growing public outcry. Many are calling for an asterisk to be included in past Pazz & Jop poll rankings. Pitchfork and other media outlets have termed the investigation a "witch hunt" solely targeting Mr. Leo, but it should be noted that the commission's scope also includes Spoon's Britt Daniel, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Nick Zinner, and Brendan Benson, who unveiled his new body -- and some muscular leads -- at a recent The Raconteurs gig. I still say that Ted is worthy of the HOF, which already contains the controversial Officer Tom. Ted's Best Show, semi-hirsute body of work speaks for itself, and his 2006 contributions have been very impressive -- his genre-jumping defeat of MC Steinberg, rescuing the Build A Movie Game from potential decommission a few weeks ago, and now his smooth chest AITOOOE uneasiness. Vote for Ted.

The Raconteurs - "Intimate Secretary"

-- ????: AITOOOE who feels that he has to see three or more rock bands that begin with each letter of the alphabet three times or more each. He gave some examples:

R: Rolling Stones, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and The Ramones

M: Mountain, The Moody Blues, and The Manhattans, which may soon be upgraded if he can manage to catch Motorhead or Motley Crue one more time. He's confident that he'll manage the Crue, but other bands that sit at two can eat away at him, such as Van Halen, who may not tour again, though Tom thinks it's even money that they will tour between now and the 4th of July. If the tour happens, it will be very, very scary.

H: Hot Tuna (4x), Heart, and Herman's Hermits (1x). Tom is baffled that he went back for a fourth serving of Hot Tuna, but it was the result of seeing them as part of a show featuring The Band, which he needed to add to his B stable. X is understandably a problem, as he's only seen the band X (total ear candy) once. Perhaps we can help this guy out by luring Andy Partridge back to the road.

Tom congratulates him on being the only person on Earth doing this. His friends think he's nuts, but he can't stop and Tom understands that everyone has their idiosyncratic endeavours to get through this hard life. He has also seen the original incarnation of a band for all but four letters of the alphabet. Completed letters include S (Sex Pistols) and T (Twisted Sister and Ten Years After w/ Alvin Lee).

Tom wonders if he is often compelled to see a letter-closing band he doesn't like instead of a band he actually does like. Such a conflict did indeed arise: his C roster was Chicago, Crosby Stills & Nash, and The Chi-Lites, but rather than upgrade with a third Cheap Trick show to close out the letter in a proper way, he saw The Doors. Tom is rooting for him to enjoy music and not always play the letter game when determining what shows to attend.

In '88-'89, I flirted with a streamlined variant of this quest, which was to see every band that started with the letter W. I got off to a great start with Whitesnake, W.A.S.P., Wiggy Malmsteen, White Lion (5x), and Warrant, but became disillusioned after Kip Winger pulled a last-minute cancellation due to an injury he suffered at ballet practice (later revealed to be a ruptured groin due to an "overly aggressive demi-pliƩ" in an exclusive interview with Metal Edge's Gerri Miller), so I dropped it. Earlier this year, I contemplated getting back into The Game with an '00s twist -- seeing every band with "wolf" in its name, but figured it would be too time-consuming.

- Local strip club mogul Joey Gavone interrupts the game (starts at 1:12) to tell Tom that he's bored with his stints on David Lee Roth's radio show and wants to take his act to The Best Show. However, Tom doesn't double dip and has no use for a bum's table scraps. TBS is unfit for preverts calling from the Bada Bing to pollute the clean, family show with dirty talk. Gavone -- a Roth guy for life -- is quickly GOMPed.

- Stefanos from the Isle O Staten calls as he's crusin' the boulevahd to grab some ice cream at Sedutto's and check out some comic books at Jim Hanley's. He points out that in addition to a fat gut, the tough-guy Islanders will enjoy some skin cancer in their 30s. He also plays the game: AITOOOE who at some point in their life thought that Sandra Bernhard was hot. He's not alone, as Tom owns up to finding her interesting looking. I'd add that in addition to interesting, I always found late 80s/early 90s Bernard a bit scary. I have vague memories of some late night show she did on HBO (I think it was some kind of one-off and might have been "live"?) that seemed like it might be titilattin', but it was just weird.

- DJ Terre T: AITOOOE who will have the white-hot The Black Hollies play live on her radio show on Saturday, April 8th sometime between 3 and 6 p.m. This was seemingly a lock, but due to a personal tragedy of a band member, the peformance will be rescheduled.

The Black Hollies - "Tell Me What You Want"

-- Larry Smirthwaite calls (starts at 1:31) for Carl to obtain J146/147 because "that fat bitch and her stupid husband" got a call from their sitter about their unruly kids and had to bail early. Tom informs Larry that he misdialed and reached a radio program. Turns out that Carl is Larry's employee at Mr. Coatcheck, the biggest freelance coat-checking business in America, and he's calling from a party he's working.

Tom gets Larry to stay on the line and explain the nature of Mr. Coatcheck's operations. Unlike the old days when there was a coat check in every restaurant, the business has shifted to setting up a coat check area for select clients at various corporate events and private parties. Mr. Coatcheck, which earns Larry a seven-figure annual income, has provided services at events for VH-1, Puma, Apple, Revlon, RJR Nabisco, and, most recently, Blender magazine, where he checked Lindsay Lohan's coat. Larry drops two little-known facts about Ms. Lohan: she loves Altoids and owns a Starsky & Hutch keychain.

Tom assumes that Larry found these items by spelunking into the the troubled starlet's garment, but Larry denies going into the pockets of patrons. Larry explains that through the natural movement of the checking process, a coat is often subject to what the industry calls "twindling" or "reverse-twindling" -- a piece getting turned upside down, often resulting in pockets being turned out and contents falling to the floor. When these items hit the floor, they enter a finders-keepers "no-man's land" and are rarely returned to the owner. This is in line with the rule of the coat check world that states: "On the floors [ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch] it's yours", the middle section representing the 6.25 seconds that the owner has to claim their belongings before they are forfeited to the coat checker.

Larry wants to know if Tom has any publishing contacts because he recently completed work on The Coats I've Checked, a coffee table book documenting his quarter-century in the coatchecking business. The book is heavy on his encounters with various celebrities, such as Harrison Ford (super-nice Ralph Lauren leather jacket), Andy Griffith (high-quality tweed), Hootie & The Blowfish (nice coats and good guys, except bassist Dean Felber, whose pocket contained something unspeakable), Jason Alexander (carries a carefully-pruned, vanilla bean car air freshener in his coat), and G.G. Allin, during Larry's brief stint at the Pyramid Club in NYC. Larry said that Allin owned one of the weirdest coats he has ever checked as it appeared to be smeared with chocolate, which alway struck him as odd. Larry says that Allin was a nice guy who tipped with a kind of foodstuff that looked like a clump of goobers. Tom does not desire further details.

Larry's memorable first celebrity coat check was Billy Barty's gorgeous camel-haired overcoat at a party thrown by Gene Wilder in Manhattan circa '81. Larry was enamored with the coat and acquired it under a provision of coatroom law that grants the checker not only the coat's contents, but the coat itself if it hits the flloor. Larry pretended that the coat was stolen (by someone other than him), and Barty was enraged. Larry did not fear any bodily harm since the client was only 2' 8", but did end up reimbursing Barty $350 for the coat with money that "fell out of" the coat pockets of Charles Grodin and JoBeth Williams. In addition to any found cash, Larry earned a hefty fee of five figures for eight hours of work at the party. Larry tells Tom that his coat-checking talent is commensurate with that level of compensation, which prompts Tom to make a sarcastic crack about the challenging nature of the craft. Larry is not pleased and warns Tom that he will soon be dripping not with sarcasm, but with blood.

Larry also discovered a lot of Bolivian marching powder in the pockets of Grodin and Williams, which led to his first taste of The White Lady, with whom he's had a tumultuous love affair ever since. While Larry is obligated to report any nose candy or Mary Jane to the police per the National Union of Coat Check Workers (NUCCW) bylaws, it is optional whether one has to actually inform the authorities. Larry argues that the celebrities would prefer their drugs to be silently stolen by a coat checker then have the find babbled to the tabloid press.

In the odd event that someone catches Larry in the act, he'll often pretend he doesn't speak English, muttering something in Spanish (Larry is also fluent in Holland) like "me no comprendo ... leche". If that doesn't swing them, he informs the patron that his wife just bit it and starts crying. Generally, they will either drop the issue or sue the company that hired Mr. Coatcheck over lost items. The power of the union (Larry is NUCCW shop steward) prevents people from suing Larry directly, plus by the time any papers were filed, he'd change his company's name. If sued, various other unions (truckers, caterers, custodial) would join forces with the NUCCW and pull out of a given event, an act that Larry thinks is "America in a nutshell". Tom finds threatening to shut down an event because people are trying to retrieve their rightful belongings is a sleazy maneuver, but Larry can't help it if people don't put things solidly away in their pockets and accuses Tom of being a union-hater and sounding like Bill Walton.

Larry recalled a run-in with Walton at the last ESPN party he worked. Larry thought Walton was a creep and a bit of a douche for threatening that if anything bad happened to his coat, it would be Larry's funeral. Having already done several rails, Larry was in no mood for his s hits, so he planted some of The White Lady and called the cops. Walton was escored out of the event by police in front of Julius Erving, Larry Bird, Dennis Rodman, and Magic Johnson. Tom's horrified, but Larry says that if he was privy to the 'tude Walton was exuding, he would have done the same or worse.

In Larry's buzzed mind, Walton was attacking him with a machete, though he now realizes that Walton was unarmed and the perception was the result of a drug-induced freakout from a mixture of The White Lady, E, crystal meth, weed, vodka, wine, beer, cider, and rum.

This reminds Larry of a wild, full-on satantic ritual he worked for Procter & Gamble executives in the Ohio woods sometime around '84'-85. The event featured priests, debauchery, and, though he can't confirm it was authentic, a sacrificed chick. Larry checked P&G employees' regular overcoats and dispensed black capes, and prior to Venom's set, he did some rails with frontman Cronos. He still corresponds with him, but has lost touch with Abaddon. Larry can't believe that Tom works at a radio station, but could not instantly identify Abaddon as Venom's drummer. By the end of the evening, every executive was knocked flat on their back by plenty of Newcastle Brown Ale.

Along with the P&G gig, Larry's book also touches on the period when CBGB's owner Hilly Crystal hired him to check coats at the Sunday Hardcore Matinees throughout the summer of 1984. Larry assumed it was an overcoat-laden, hardcore pornography show but it was actually "hardcore punk rock 'n roll". Larry didn't dig the music, but grew to be friends with a lot of the guys who came to the shows, such as Vinny from Agnostic Front, James Hetfield, all of The Ramones except Tommy, and JFK, Jr., who checked out 7 Seconds. He hated the band and left after three minutes, which gave Larry enough time to twindle his coat (J. Crew), finding only a pack of matches.

After 27 years in the business, Larry is most fond of the top-shelf coats worn by Keith Richards, Scott Weiland, Robert Downey, Jr., Chuck Negron and Sly Stone. Tom senses a pattern indicating that all of these owners may have had controlled substances in their coats, and Larry does remember finding a lot of stuff on the floor on the nights he checked for them.

The weirdest celebrity coat he checked belonged to Fred Stallone, the odd, younger brother of Sly and Fronk. One night, Fred's coat got turned over and Larry saw that it was filled with thousands of loose Skittles. To this day, Larry does not understand why Fred had that much mouth candy with him.

In 1985, Larry told Hilly that he'd had enough of the hardcore shows, so he got put on the night shift and checked at shows for obscure bands like Camper Van Beethoven, Dinosaur Jr., Scruffy The Cat, and Poi Dog Pondering. While there was no snow during the SxE-leaning hardcore shows, Larry was now skiing downhill every night. The coat check room became known as ski lodge, and Larry was called "The Railroad Captain". One night, Ric Ocasek came to CB's with his wife, who was even hotter in person than she was on the posters Larry bought as a kid. (Tom preferred nerdier wall art.) Larry was a "big fan of her body", so he had to get romantic with her coat while gacked on coke. Paulina came back to the coat check area to get some cigs and caught him in the act. While Ocasek seemed supercool in The Cars' videos, Larry's antics made him madder than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding. Surprisingly, Larry was fired for the incident.

Other romantic encounters with the coats of sexy celebs: Loni Anderson, Charo, Teri Hatcher, Gillian Anderson, Jessica Alba, all of the 1999 Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, The Bangles, Erika Christensen, Shirley Manson, John Madden, Oprah Winfrey, Joss Stone, Bonnie Raitt, and a Bush girl trio (Barbara, Jenna, and Laura) during a White House gig: "Laura would have a bird if she knew what I did to that parka."

Larry is also collaborating on a bio-pic with extreme filmmaker Trent L. Strauss called Lighthouse. Synopsis: Greg (Smirthwaite), a superhot, coat check God, works at The Crystal Room in NY, breaking up mob fights and getting it on with superhot chicks in the coat room. One day, he gets a call from Michael, his coat-checking mentor. He's opening a new restaurant in western Maine called The Lighthouse, which will serve mostly crab fare. The Lighthouse's primarily clientele is super-rough, hardcore fisherman, who are constantly getting into fights, throwing nets on each other, and stuffing fish in each other's private areas. Michael wants Greg to come work for him because his two previous coat check guys where killed by local fisherman.

[At this point, Larry pauses and returns to the phone with quickened speech -- "Isounddifferent?" -- but he disputes Tom's charge that he has just done a rail and claims it was simply a few sips of Mountain Dew. He also notes that he can't wait to start dancing.]

Greg accepts the job and goes to what Larry terms "Hell on Earth". He starts cleaning house there and things are going so well that The Lighthouse starts stealing business from The Golden Wharf, the other big seafood place run by Captain Logan. Logan wages war on the staff of The Lighthouse by ordering his henchmen to throw a burning row boat through the front window of The Lighthouse, causing the coat check room to go up in flames. Someone had checked their baby, and Greg hears it crying, so he rescues it along with two other checked kids to save the day.

Now it's Greg's turn to go wild and throw down some hard revenge on Logan. Greg's initial idea was to use his fists, but in order to make it more exciting, Strauss suggested shredding the faces of the henchmen with a motorboat engine. In the film, Greg will complete that task and then sneak into The Gollden Wharf's coat check room, where hid in the huge coat pockets of Ukranian giant Leonid Stadnik.

Larry wanted Greg to beat Logan with pans from the kitchen, catch him in a net, and throw him in the water. However, Trent rewrote the scene so that Logan is impaled on a giant skewer and lowered into a boiling pot teeming with sharks and crabs, resulting in a lot of squirtage from all the usual places as he's eaten alive. In an homage to The Toolbelt Killer, Logan -- now reduced to just stumps -- gets saved by the ghosts of a Viking fisherman since The Golden Wharf is built on an old viking burial ground, a thematic staple of Strauss's films. The Viking ghosts start wailing on Greg and peel his face off, but Greg eventually turns the tables and saws off the private parts of the ghosts and Captain Logan with a rusty harpoon razor.

Tom will not see the film, but Larry hopes that he will see The Lion, The Witch, and The Coat Check, another film he's working on. In this film, Larry goes back in time and gets a job as a coat check guy at Adolf Hitler's favorite restaurant. Hitler comes in and checks his coat, which is booby-trapped by Larry, allowing him to kill Hitler, become the Fuhrer, surrender to the Allied forces, start a boogie-woogie band, and have a lot of sex.

Larry has also become enamored with branding from watching The Apprentice. Tom tuned out of the show, so Larry gives him a brief recap noting that two Jewish guys declined to do their assigned tasks on the Sabbath and that Trump has alread booted the hottest chicks.

Larry's new line of coat check products includes "Coat Check Math" -- books and flashcards that help kids learn math. Larry is confident that this will be popular with kids since they love coats and love to turn them in to people and hopefully get them back. The series will include word problems like:

Mr. Rehnquist goes into de Medici's restaurant and his party checks 16 coats, which are added to 32 coats already in the room. Two coats are lost, but two more come in, and one is lost.
Answer = 47

He's also prepping a television series called Hidden Coat Confessions, a take-off on HBO's super-erotic Taxi Cab Confessions. In the series, hot coat check chicks will reveal their most intimate secrets via cameras hidden in the pockets of checked coats. Larry notes that fatties will not be allowed on the program and that he speaks for America with that discriminatory policy.

Finally, there's the R. Kelly-inspired Trapped In The Coat Check, written by Larry and currently being financed by a group of Chicago investors led by Ferguson Jenkins. Larry hopes to get either Stanley Kubrick (The Hills Have Eyes) or Orson Welles to direct the project. Tom points out that both filmmakers are dead, but Larry thinks Tom's stupid. Larry promises to prove Tom wrong by meeting Kubrick in an hour twenty at an Avis parking lot in Camden, N.J. Larry is a bit concerned about the location since a Google Earth search yielded a darkened, abandoned lot with gang members and a burning car. He begs Tom to join him by cutting him in 50-50 on the project and letting him play a character in Lighthouse who gets split in half with a tuna saw. Larry is bringing $10,000 in cash and almost a pound of something else to the meeting and promises that he and Tom will have champagne and cocaine and rock through the night.

tom65.jpg

- Tom chats with Emily (starts at 2:32), a young artist who lovingly rendered Tom as a 65-year-old man. Tom first met her when she was a 2006 WFMU Marathon phone volunteer, discovering that his radio voice made her think he was 63-ish, as opposed to a youngster still in his 30s. The voice and her creative imagination led to the above drawing, which she says was overly influenced by Larry King. (I also detect a bit of Groucho Marx and Gene Shalit with a Barry Dworkinesque reverse-mohawk.) The real image she wished to convey was a thinner, more gray Tony Clifton. Some callers/chatters weighed in on the voice-age issue (ranging from the blunt "ugly and balding" to Tom Leykis to Dena from Red Bank's healthy and virile 44-year-old) and someone really nailed it: Philip Seymour Hoffman's Lester Bangs in Almost Famous. I had already seen a pic or two of Tom prior to ever listening to the show, but if I could retroactively come up with an initial visual image to go with the voice, PSH's Lester would be pretty close. I probably would have pegged the age at around 35-38.

Huey Lewis and The News - "The Power Of GOMP"

- Theme Songs Lightning Round (starts at 2:42):

Larry and Shasta's "You Deserve The Best" (Michael McDonald homage), Starguarder's "Come On In" (short and sweet), Petey's Father's "Bring It On" (Faffer's 58th entry in the contest), Scallop's fun clip montage, and Folk Star Bob's "Sit Back And See", my fave entry of the night.



There was also a fakeout trifecta from the My Brother And Me guy, using the monikers The Summer Snowmen, Frozen Heat, and Big Ums. Tom suspects it's a mutant tall biker who has hours of free time. Tom recommends that the perp ease up on the gas pedal and do some homework or read a book. Ah, the folly of youth.

Michael McDonald - "Ya Mo B There"

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Tom welcomes co-host Keith Stevens, from the best radio station on Earth -- Zarephath, N.J.'s WAWZ. The Bad Guys melt when faced with this dynamic duo of family-friendly fun.

Robert Pollard with The Ascended Masters - "Don't Stop Now" (Live at the 40 Watt, 1/26/06)

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I hope that "Anita Applebum" is some type of joke that I don't get, because otherwise I'm going to be very depressed.

I thought somebody already posted that Nina Gordon cover before, but I can't find it. It must have been on Group Home or something. Anyway, it's good stuff. I think X asked me for the superior Extended Mix of "Straight Outta Compton" one time. So here that is.

The Nina Gordon cover was posted several years ago on one of the Intronet's seminal blogs. (Turns out that the once-mighty QV only posted links to Nina's Skid Row and Cinderella covers.)

"Anita" was a typo since fixed.

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