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The Kid Stays In The Picture.

"I am so relieved to hear your voice." -- Tom on the return of his buddy.
"I'm going to sell your family to the quarry."-- Craig Cooper on dealing Scharplings.
"Yeahgirl!" -- Angie, starring in her own episode of Montclair 07042.

[TBSOWFMU - 2/21/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / FOT]

**Donate tonight during The Best Show and get The Good Guys Win and The Bad Guys Die in 2006 Fun Kit!**

spike_will.gif

Speaking of cash, I owe Recidivism's own x amount $50 for a Bands on the Run bet I lost. Thanks a lot, Harlow! I was counting on a bit less Harlotting and a lot more merch moving. Anyway, I'm finally ready to pay up, and I think it's appropriate to do so with $85 worth of rock 'n roll music. Keep the change, x.

[Future game idea: Build A Bands on the Run 2. I'll start it off: Ponce De Leon, Von Scharpling, Smoosh, The Oscar Ryan Band, and Josh Dodes -- dude deserves another shot!]

Flickerstick - "Chloroform (The One You Love)" [Live]
Portastatic - "The Soft Rewind"
The Hold Steady - "Banging Camp"
Mr. Robert Pollard - "Maggie Turns To Flies"
The National - "Mr. November"

Bonus track for accrued interest: The Little Killers - "Jenna Lee"

So anyway, hello America! El Goodo's back and he's charmingly referring to himself in the third person, which means it's time for a little .... Hey! Ho! Annotated highlights of The Best Show:

- Spike's back (starts at 18:00) and order is restored to the Best Show world -- the young old man's Bea Arthur "Heeeeelllllooooo, Tom" was improbably calming. After his lozenge-marred 2/7 call and last week's silence, this was a great comeback for Spike, recapturing the magic he displayed on 1/31 by throwing down some impressive musical knowledge. Tom was so dazzled that he forgot to play the Maude theme!

Before continuing, please update your Spike Doesn't Do spreadsheet with P Dimwit, Enema, Seance from Destiny's Child, orange crates, second-hand merchandise, and fake holidays like Valentine's Day.

Spike reveals that he plays music in his dungeon, but not rock and roll. He is, however, able to tolerate some of Tom's opening sets -- it's not the quality level of a Frankie Lymon and The Teenagers deep cut, but he can live with it. I think The Dirtbombs should try to get a Spike pull-quote for their Myspace page:

"I can tolerate this music while I'm on hold with The Best Show on WFMU." -- Spike, Queens-based dominatrix extraordinaire.

In general, Spike is either not familiar with or does not like any contemporary artists, including the hip-hop for people who don't like hip-hop done by black people of Matisyahu. He's never even heard MC Steinberg perform (Spike missed the Ted Leo vs. MC Steinberg battle rap? Does he just GOMP the show after he hangs up?). Tom thinks there might be potential for Steinberg and Spike to engage in a cross-genre learning experience with Spike teaching him about doo-wop and MC schooling Spike in the ways of contemporary hip-hop. Prediction: Spike doesn't do MC Steinberg due to an excessively "suburban flow".

One thing Spike most definitely does do is Doo-Wop, whose purveyors are exempt from dithipline because they have talent. Spike nails Tom's quiz on the two living members of The Teenagers (Jimmy Merchant and Herman Santiago), prompting him to declare that he is quite learned when it comes to quality music and film.

As for cinema, Spike was previously content with the Big 4 franchise slashers and decapitations, but he branched out a bit by declaring grittier 1970s revenge pictures I Spit On Your Grave and Last House on the Left classics, unlike Jenny from the Bedroom's much-maligned Giggly. Tom inquires about Out of Sight and Spike wants none of it, preferring to spend his time listening to rare The Orioles b-sides or Fool's Paradise ... with Rex. In fact, Spike spent Valentine's Day the only way he knows how: peacefully sitting on the couch in his basement apartment, presumably listening to his antique phonograph and watching Dario Argento's Suspiria.

Spike cites The Flamingos and Dino and The Belmonts as his ultimate Doo-Wop groups, and Tom notes that the mental imagery of Spike listening to this music creates a Blue Velvet vibe. I imagine Spike spinning some Johnny Maestro and The Brooklyn Bridge while chugging Pabst! Blue! Ribbon!, taking a break mid-flog to inhale some unspecified gas, and then declaring: "I'll dithipline anything that moves!" Spike doesn't have anything to offer on the film, but does mention that The Clovers had a hit with "Blue Velvet" prior to Bobby Vinton.

Late in his call, Spike got some bad news. Tom read a wire report about the sudden death of The Teenagers' Jimmy Merchant. Merchant, a Best Show enthusiast (I saw him in the Bronx a few months ago wearing this shirt), died of embarassment at 8:31 p.m. on Tuesday, February 21st when he found out that Spike knew who he was.

Spike confirms that he will be pledging during The Best Show for the WFMU marathon, and Tom bans him from hanging his premium autographed picture in his dungeon to avoid being a topic of conversation during one of Spike's Jimmy Preston-soundtracked sessions. Don't worry about Spike forgetting to call since he already has it marked on his desk blotter calendar.

**EXCLUSIVE**: I hired some recidivists to break into Spike's office and acquire this calendar, so here is a month in Spike's world: Febuary 2006

In honor of the Best Show's resident expert, here's an a load of Doo-Wop and a lone rocker:

Bobby Vinton - "Blue Velvet"
The Clovers - "Love Potion #9"
Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers - "The ABC's Of Love" & "I Want You To Be My Girl"
The Flamingos - "I Only Have Eyes For You"
Dion and The Belmonts - "A Teenager In Love"

The Dirtbombs - "Ode To A Black Man"

- Actor, musician, and shock jock Oscar Platt calls (starts at 32:46) to discuss his folk-rock duo The Oscar Ryan Band and revive the theory that Courtney Love murdered Kurt Cobain. The conversation quickly shifts to discussion of the physical appearance of young Oscar and Tom. Tom speculates that Oscar is a fatter version of Oliver Platt with flagrant acne. Oscar also admits to having a really disgusting belly button.

Oscar believes that Tom has a unibrow and ketchup in his nose (wrong, it's barbecue sauce), and he guesses Tom's height at 5' 6". Tom's a mere 5' 1", so the 5' 3", 120-lb. Oscar towers over him in addition to his fellow sixth graders. Oscar tries a series of escalating guesses of Tom's weight before Tom reveals that he's currently tipping the scales at 392.

Oscar says he's a fan of Spike, and Tom suggests that Spike could join his band. Oscar is understandably leery of having band rehearsals in Spike's dungeon as Tom paints a scenario where the door is bolted shut, forcing Oscar to make peace with his maker and tippy-toe into the pit to meet his demise.

Kurt Cobain - "Ain't It A Shame" (Leadbelly Cover)

- Eazy Ezekial calls (starts at 40:06) from Fake Accent Land, USA, to get Tom's advice on D.C.-based metrosayshuls. Tom put him on a bullet train back to Gompville. Great moment: Tom asks Mike the Courageous Call Screener what Ezekial sounded like when he called and Mike said it was pretty much the voice he used on the air. Rumors suggesting that Ezekial may be some kind of relation to Zeph Marshack are still unconfirmed.

- The theme song contest (starts at 42:50) got as hot as a pistol with four intriguing entries:

1. "Final" - The first of Father of Petey's Two for Tuesday, which was nearly the final tune Tom ever heard as its premature crash-start bestilled Tom's heart and nearly caused cardiac arrest (devotees know that Tom will eventually go out via Stevie Blue and not mere sonic sabotage from the Petey clan.)

In the FOT chat, "FrGreedo" noted that this track had a Wesley Willis feel. Rock Over Newbridge, Rock On Manayunk. This is not my father's Radio Hut!

2. "The Scary Theme" - Father of Petey spookfest, which makes Tom whisper directives for Petey to flee his home.

3. Yet Another Listener Chris delivered the gloriously simple "Marky and Tom's Best Show Theme Punk Rock Singalong" -- the musical economy of Marky's "Hey Ho" mashed with Tom's "Best Show" was very effective.

4. Shock the Claw featuring MC John Junk, Dave, and Christina the Yes Fan delivered a loosey-goosey, funtimes masterpiece. I don't like it. I LOVE it! I'm giving it a slight edge over The Themeweavers. Like that track, it works as legit theme song (especially in the abridged form Tom mentioned) and rocks. Prediction: this will be heard every Tuesday starting in a month.

- Tom plays (birthed at 69:08, continues throughout) the "Build A Movie Game" – one person suggests three people (at least one should be a professional actor) and someone (in this case, mostly Tom) has to come up with a quick plot for a movie that would star the given trio. This easy and fun game was nearly de-commissioned due to lack of interest, but field correspondent MC Teddy T saved the day.

Here is a summary of all of the proposed casts and resultant films that were mentioned throughout the show:

Ted Leo’s Days of Deceit

Starring: Michael Madsen, Sam Waterson, and Rosie Perez

A heavy drama about a single dad of a young daughter/hit man (Madsen) wants to get out of the game, but his boss (Waterson) at the hit man agency got Sam playing his boss at the agency doesn’t want him to leave since he’s the best they have. His boss convinces him to take on one final hit and hands him an envelope containing his target. He tears open the envelope to reveal a picture of the woman he’s been dating (Perez) wearing a robe.

Soundtrack will be done by The Polyphonic Spree’s Tim DeLaughter and his 49 minions. Tom suggests an alternate storyline in which Madsen discovers that he has 80 illegitimate kids and Waterson is the executor of his estate. Madsen has to infiltrate the Spree by posing as a member, blending in and trying to sing their songs to get to Rosie Perez. SoupJam Stevens will write an exclusive banjo ditty about the California goldrush for the project. At some point, the Spree collective may commit mass suicide in a bunker.

Ted envisioned a lighter, goofy romp in which Madsen was chasing after Rosie, but intrigued by Tom as drama and a challenge for the actors. Ted is going to continue developing the story.

The call also yielded Man of the House 2 with Sam Elliot, Tommy Lee Jones, and Zeph Marshack. Poster Children will do the music, which will be supervised by Zeph, taking over for an alleged prevert, who was forced to leave the project after getting arrested.

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Misdiagnosis Murder (released as RoboCop 5 in Europe/Japan)

James offered vintage Lucille Ball, Keanu Reeves, and Dick Cheney, opting to hear Tom’s premise off the air.

A police chief (Cheney) visits a doctor (Reeves), who erroneously gives him only 24 hours to live. The chief has one remaining case hanging over his head -- the murder of Lucille Ball. He only has 24 hours to solve the case that has been haunting him for his entire police career. As a result, he goes nuts and turns into RoboCop.

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Flawed Hero (aka Silent Seduction)

Scag Winesack wants Tom to come up with the three actors (“That’s how it works, isn’t it, Snapperhead?”), so Tom goes for Woody Harrelson, General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, and Kathy Griffin.

Scag inserts himself into the cast and offers this premise:

In the first five minutes of the film, Scag walks up to Schwarzkopf and hits him in the back of the head with a boat oar. Scag notes that it’s a good idea to get him out of the picture early since he’s too pricey for a larger role. Scag’s drinking on his boat with his bumbling sidekick (Harrelson) when a newspaper reporter (Griffin) approaches them. She seems innocent, and requests their help because she’s become the target of a local serial killer who she’s been writing about. The killer has been sending threats to the newspaper with pasted letters from magazines indicating that she’s NEXT. They get deeply involved in the mystery and Scag’s sidekick is murdered for getting too close to the reporter. The Big Twist at the end is the reveal that the reporter is the killer!

Tom thinks it has potential and Scag will beef up his backstory: despite a lack of any miltiary credentials, he was a hand-to-hand combat consultant during Desert Storm, which is where he met Schwarzkopf. Scag will double-cross him (see boat oar above) in front of his family because he stole his third wife. This will help to establish that he’s an alpha-male protagonist with some character flaws.

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Zip It: The Morton Downey Jr. Story

Listener Chris in Rhode Island lists Billy Crudup (a low-rent Vincent Gallo), Leelee Sobieski (Helen Hunt, Jr.) and Christopher McDonald (a selection that prompts a brief dispute about Happy Gilmore).

The story of Morton Downey, Jr. (McDonald) written by Charlie Kaufman. Sobieski plays herself and Helen Hunt, both auditioning for the role of Mort’s widow. McDonald plays himself and is trying to get inside Mort’s head. Crudup will play Mort’s conscience, serving up angel/devil life choices throughout. Crudup will also play himself in the form of McDonald’s best friend.

Kaufman will also direct and it will be bad.

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Rounders 2

Tanya Roberts, Elliot Gould, and Manute Bol

When not moderating meetings with her fan club, Tanya Roberts does radio spots for specials to lure couples to Las Vegas casinos for romatic weekends. This is the film adaptation of those advertisements:

A veteran construction worker (Gould) gives a new guy (Bol) a chance because he can reach very high without using a ladder. They hear a commercial for a $1million No-Limit Texas Hold ‘Em million poker championship. Bol is a poker master, but they don’t have the cash for the trip because they make Claude and Maude Punchclock wages. In order to go, they pose as a gay couple so they can go via one of the romantic getaway contests. They enter the tournament and Bol struts into the card room with sunglasses as George Thorogood’s “Bad to the Bone” blares on the soundtrack. (Choice sight gag: Bol's face is always above the frame when seated at the table.) They win the tournament, knocking out Phil Hellmuth at the final table. He yells at Bol for calling him with just a flush draw and curls up in the fetal position in the lobby.

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The One

Ann, a 12-year-old, force-fed Cary Grant fan, wants a comedy with Cary Grant, Jason Schwartzman, and Scarlett Johansson.

On a college campus, a bumbling nerd (Schwartzman) is in love with a girl (Johansson), who he admires from afar. He goes to see a relationship guru (Joe Mantegna), who hypnotizes him to make him think he’s cool when he hears a trigger word ("factory-wrapped douche"). Every time he is front of his crush, he will appear to her as the cool Cary Grant, who will play himself, while everyone else will see Schwartzman.

Ann says it’s a film she would watch, but that’s because her creepy father will force her to while her skin crawls. Tom recommends that the next time her father calls her in for a Charade screening, she should hide and do her homework twice. Ann didn't seem too enthused by the idea.

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The Gathering

Keith is interested in a fish-out-of-water comedy with Crispin Glover, George Wendt, and Mickey Rourke.

Tom sees it as Miss Congeniality meets Dungeons & Dragons.

An FBI agent (Rourke) is trying to infiltrate a cyber terror ring, so he goes undercover in the world of live-action role playing. This world is populated by costume-wearing gaming enthusiasts (led by Glover and Wendt). Crispin Glover’s character is a computer genius who can also KICK. The FBI agent wears a wizard’s costume to fit in with this crowd. Lots of opportunities for montages of silly costumes (I see Wendt dressed as Gimli). The sting ultimately gives Rourke much-needed insight into his non-macho son (Michael Cera).

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Husbands and Wives

Frederick called from Hollywood, so the pressure was on Tom to deliver with Paula Prentiss, Babs circa What's Up, Doc?, and Adrienne Barbeau.

Goofier, madcap version of 3 Women + How to Beat the High Co$t of Living: The gals are three wives whoser hubands all got pinch before they could pul off a bank heist. They didn't know each before, but now they are united via their incarcerated beaus. Since they each know a piece of the perfect crime, they team up to pull the heist themselves. At some point, Streisand will sing.

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Val's animated The Melancholy Moustache with Steve Buscemi, Spike, and Selleck's titular 'stache was GOMPed for being too derivative of Conan O'Brien's Selleck moustache bits.

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Angie in Montclair comes up with a mainsteam cast of Brangelina and Cuba Gooding, Jr. Tom goes the easy route with Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2, which disappoints Angie, who was hoping for a soft-core porn feature. Tom says nogirl! and GOMPs her.

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Union Rules

Scag returns to close out the game by matching himself up with Yaphet Kotto, Harvey Keitel, and Richard Pryor. The Blue Collar reunion won't last long, though, since Scag wants them all dead in the first five minutes of the film because they went up against the Teamsters.

They attempt to organize a strike, which prompts Scag to drive over them with dump truck (the easiest way to take out a picket line). The surviving workers will keep their mouths shut for the remainder of the film. Scag admits that it's not much of a movie, but it's a manifesto with a lot of truth.

Tom's rewrite:

Three Men and An Older Man

All three are successful businessmen who share an apartment. One morning, a fully-grown 62-year-old Scag Winesack emerges from a parcel left on their brownstone's steps with a note, seemingly from a mother or other concerned child care worker, asking to take care of him.

Scag is constantly whingeing and gains control over the residence. After about 90 minutes the three men realize that they had no reason to take him in and that Scag wrote the note himself.

Scag is not sold on Tom's idea of three men and wants a woman (Bev D'Angelo or Jo Beth Williams) in the mix so he has someone for an occasional "boink". Scag suggests that he could pose as Keitel's uncle asking for help from a family member. If Keitel refuses tot aid Scag, he will lose his inheritance or a finger. Scag also requests more graphic violence, adult language, and nudity. Scag has an idea that he could show up at a house with three Soldiers of Fortune to serve as a mentor. Scag shows up as a mentor and has a hard time getting the respect that he demands from the younger crew. He will proceed to beat the respect out of them.
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Finally, here's my entry:

Sparrow's Call

A Film By Omar

Genre: Bio-Pic / Science Fiction / Racial Tolerance
Rating: Very Hard R
Music: Matisyahu and Mark Mothersbaugh

Principal Trio: Andy Serkis + CGI, Christopher Plummer, and Ron Glass

Tagline: Crash in Newbridge.

The film will depict the tiny life and times of Timmy von Trimble (Serkis) from his first appearance in 1972 after his parents' anti-aging experiment went awry, through his formative years of being indoctrinated with hate by his father (Plummer), and up to the present where we start to see some rays of tolerance. Key scenes will include a violent altercation over the Blue Book value of a Camry with Gene Simmons (Oliver Platt) at Newbridge Toyota, getting fitted for boots by his mother (Marg Helgenberger), Timmy’s unsuccessful attempt to get Marvel to ink his MegaMan comic (Panzerfaust eventually releases a 6-issue run of the book in Europe), and some powerful scenes in which Timmy explodes with rage after the von Trimble housekeeper (Lupe Ontiveros) forgets to clean out the thimble in his dollhouse. Conchita later saves Timmy from a near drowning in his father’s snifter of Glenlivet, which causes Timmy to finally humanize her.

Here is a scene that will occur late in Act III:

Dr. von Trimble, clad in a fancily-tailored suit and lab coat, emerges from a Barnes & Noble holding a coffee and the new issue of Maxim. Timmy is wrapped in a miniature Confederate flag and nestled within his father’s jacket pocket. Dr. von Trimble gets a call on his cell phone.

[Brian DePalma-inspired split screen]

DR. VON TRIMBLE

Hello?

MRS. VON TRIMBLE

Hey. Did you drop Timmy off yet? Jo Jo just called me.

DR. VON TRIMBLE

Jesus Christ. I told him I’d be there in 30 minutes.

MRS. VON TRIMBLE

I know, I know. He just wants to make sure everything goes smoothly.

DR. VON TRIMBLE

He’s an idiot. Full of impressive hate, yes, but pretty dim.

MRS. VON TRIMBLE

Anyway, did you want me to transfer the new crop?

DR. VON TRIMBLE

Yes, I told you to put them in the new test tubes.

MRS. VON TRIMBLE

What new test tubes?

DR. VON TRIMBLE

Whaaaaaaaaaaat? Are you s hitting me? The new supply we got from Kern Pharmaceuticals.

MRS. VON TRIMBLE

I can’t find those.

DR. VON TRIMBLE

Gunther put them in the stockroom last night. I gotta run.

MRS. VON TRIMBLE

Are you going to get Timmy later?

DR. VON TRIMBLE

No, he can get a ride with Adolf.

MRS. VON TRIMBLE

Tell him I said good luck!

Dr. von Trimble gets into his car to drop Timmy off at a White Power rally/label showcase in Westbridge, but he is not aware that when he retrieved his cell phone, Timmy flew out and is not with him. While driving, Dr. von Trimble gets a call from White Reign guitarist Jo Jo Goebbels (Merle Allin).

[Also split screen]

DR. VON TRIMBLE

WHAT!

JO JO GOEBBELS

Mr. Von Trimble, it’s Jo Jo. Where’s Timmy?

DR. VON TRIMBLE

Jo Jo, I’m on my way.

JO JO GOEBBELS

Get your ass over here! This place is crawling with A&R guys.

DR. VON TRIMBLE

Don’t press me, son. I will smash you.

JO JO GOEBBELS

I will defecate in your incubator.

DR. VON TRIMBLE

If you do that again, I will stab you.

JO JO GOEBBELS

Ha ha! You always say that. Just get Timmy here. We just started soundcheck and this guy Heinrich said we sounded like mud.

DR. VON TRIMBLE

GET OFF MY PHONE!

Dr. von Trimble hangs up, has some trouble merging into a left-turn lane, and mutters some vile epithets about the ethnicity of a driver who cut him off.

CUT TO:

A sparrow flutters against a beautiful vista, tightly gripping Timmy’s tattered Nordic Avenger shirt. The bird quickly darts to the ground and releases him to crash against a curb. Timmy’s fall is partially broken by some cigarette butts, but he bumps his head against an overturned can of Colt 45. We are now in the ghetto of Southbridge.

A Black Man (Glass) is sitting on a nearby bench, reading a newspaper. He hears faint squeals of pain coming from the curb. He bends over and sees that it is a tiny man with a full beard who looks a bit like Robert Reed circa 1974. He carefully picks Timmy up and cradles him in his palm. Timmy is gradually regaining consciousness.

BLACK MAN

You ok, junior?

TIMMY VON TRIMBLE
(dazed and a bit startled)

I don’t know … where am I?

BLACK MAN

Southbridge, man. You fell out of the sky.

TIMMY VON TRIMBLE

Oh no … I’m supposed to be at a White P-, at a concert.

BLACK MAN

You a musician, son?

TIMMY VON TRIMBLE

No, silly. I’m the soundman and publicist for a band called White Reign. R-E-I-G-N.

BLACK MAN

Good Lord. You can work the sound board? How?

TIMMY VON TRIMBLE

I jump on it!

BLACK MAN

That's fantastic!

TIMMY VON TRIMBLE

Yeah. I slide down the levers. It’s a full workout.

BLACK MAN
(laughing)

I bet!

TIMMY VON TRIMBLE

You should come check it out some time. We’re opening for Bezerker at Dingbatz in Clifton next week.

BLACK MAN

I might just do that. Hey, I was about to head over to the bar, wanna join me?

TIMMY VON TRIMBLE

Um, oh, I don’t know …

BLACK MAN

Come on, one drink and then I’ll call you a cab so you can make the gig.

TIMMY VON TRIMBLE

If you have an eye-dropper, you've got a deal!

BLACK MAN

We can pick one up at the drug store on the way.

TIMMY VON TRIMBLE

Let's do this!

The BLACK MAN dusts TIMMY off and they start walking.

TIMMY VON TRIMBLE (cont.)

Have you ever had a Harlem Shuffle?

BLACK MAN

Harlem Shuffle? Whatchoo talkin’ bout, son?

TIMMY VON TRIMBLE

Oh, it’s great. It’s Smirnoff Ice with some coffee …

The conversation continues as the Black Man carries Timmy down the street.

-----

- Craig Cooper at Radio Hut over at the NC calls (starts at 1:41) to offer Tom a great new product that would make for a perfect giveaway for the WFMU Marathon. While Craig touts Radio Hut’s great service, wide selection, and understanding staff, Tom has had a much different experience at the store, though that will be ironed out later with some coupons.

Craig makes sure that Tom is strapped in and wearing a helmet (helmet not actually required) for the details of the new hutPod.

Craig believes the hutPod will revolutionize the personal stereo business and demolish the iPod and iRiver with its additional options and Radio Hut's unsurpassed digital audio technology that many say is the best sound they ever heard – even compared to stereo systems. The quality is billed as “light years” beyond the iPod. Tom is very intrigued.

The product was introduced at Radio Hut last December and flew off the shelves. Craig got a new shipment last week and has three hutPods to give away to Best Show listeners. Each hutPod comes with two, pre-loaded albums selected by Radio Hut. The three Craig is offering contain The Best of Meatloaf, Volume 3 (for fans of deeper Meat gems like “For Crying Out Loud”, “Heaven Can Wait”, and 3/4 of Dead Ringer) and Mother 13's High Dive. Tom notes that he once spoke to Mother 13 frontman Corey Harris on the air, and Craig says Tom should be honored to have spoken to him. Listeners will also get "Coop's Crunchers", a collection of Craig's personal favorites so people can get a taste of what he's all about. The diverse collection includes everything from skiffle to black metal: Lonnie Donegan, Mozart, Ornette Coleman, New Riders of the Purple Sage, Deicide, Streisand, Black Label Society, and Zach Galifianakis.

If the winners are not into that stuff, Radio Hut offers exclusives like The Beatles catalog (not available on the "piece of crap" iPod), and the ability to download individual AC/DC tracks.

Tom tells a disbelieving Craig that in the past he found Radio Hut's merchandise inferior, but think they may have finally scored with the hutPod. The hutPod unit is similar to the iPod in terms of downloading: you simply log onto one of Radio Hut's cyber channels, hit the download button and your instantly downloading to the hutPod hard drive.

Craig says that unlike the tiny iPods, the hutPod uses "rechangeable" hard drives -- if your hard drive gets too full, you can put in a new drive of 30 to 120 gigs and get right back to the downloading fun.

Radio Hut offers hutPods at four price points: Standard ($349 for 90 gb) Junior (60 gb for$299 ), Micro ($259 for 30 gb), and the Maxi ($499 for 120 gb). Radio Hut is also competing with the video iPod with their MoviePod.

Craig touts the fact that the 30-gig "Shuffler" was ranked by a panel of audio experts as having superior sound to all other brands combined. The two-man panel includes known con-man and faux German audio guru Heinrich Wiltenbach and former football player Mark Gastineau, who became an audiophile from club hopping while being on the road during his career. Tom recommends pressing Heinrich on his thick, Fatherland accent, which Craig will do when he meets him for brunch. Craig admits that the panelists are paid, but assures Tom that he saw them listening to the hutPods with big smiles on their faces. Tom declares the panel to be absurd, and Craig doesn't like the 'tude and considers pulling his offer.

Radio Hut company policy UPDATE: In the past, if you stopped by the Hut for batteries, they'd lean on you for your address. As new owner, Craig ceased doing that. Now they get Social Security numbers, which is less hassle for everybody. This allows them to get to know the customer on a more intimate basis and track their whereabouts, their buying habits, and their general likes and dislikes via 24/7 surveillance. For example, Craig knows that Tom asked for no olives when he was at Quiznos earlier in the day. He also recommends that Tom stop singing in his car because his voice is "not that happening". Tom is horrified by these tactics, but Craig sees it as just carrying on Radio Hut traditions established by his father.

Tom wants to hear more about the storage capacity of the 120-gig hutPod, speculating that it could hold 70,000 songs. Craig wishes. Turns out that 120 gigs equates to 2 hours worth of hard drive storage. Tom wonders if Craig knows what a gig is, and he thinks he does: "A gig is a minute, jerk." Tom disputes this and Craig wonders where Tom attended digital technology school.

This leads to the truth about the hutPod: the hard drives are painted-white CASSette tapes that are inserted into re-purposed walkmens that are also painted white. Downloading involves pushing the "RECORD" button when you tune into one of the "cyber channels", which are radio stations. You can get The Beatles by tuning into a radio station, but sometimes you gotta wait for them. If you listen to your local Sunday morning Beatles show, you can record tracks, and switch to shuffle mode by hitting rewind and fast-forward a lot.

The MoviePod is an old POT80 set that offers "streaming video" in the form of television stations.

It also turns out that Radio Hut only moved three hutPods last December and they were all returned. Tom tells Craig that these returns were likely the result of customers realizing that it was an analog walkman, but Craig believes that they decided that they couldn't handle the advanced technology.

Talk then turns to Craig's father, Jeff, who sold Craig the Newbridge Commons Radio Hut a few weeks ago for $1. Jeff was in deep s hit the Feds for selling people out of the back door of the Hut and into servitude at the Newbridge Quarry. Craig was deeply embarrassed about his father's activities, which included perusing periodicals such as The Traffikker to assemble a network of slaves from locations as varied as Canada, Ecuador, Maine, and Hawaii.

As of this writing, Jeff is missing after he was attacked by a softball game in January. He became belligerent and was heckling a woman and the last thing Craig saw was his father being dragged away, beat up, and put up on a barge by people who were madder than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding.

I got an anonymous tip from someone who claims to have snapped this photo of Jeff Cooper with another man who may be a fellow captive or one of his captors.

Craig mentions that he is the result of either Jeff's third or fourth marriage, and the heckled woman was intended to be Wife #6.

Jeff wanted to use the same pre-nup that he'd been using with other broads, but she wouldn't go for it. The rules of this agreement were rather extreme:

1. Wife shall in no case have access to joint bank account without written permission from husband.

2. Wife cannot divulge information on husband and/or marriage to any party including family members.

3. Wife shall immediately divulge any and all information to husband regarding person or persons giving marital advice.

4. In public, wife shall walk directly behind husband at all times.

5. Wife shall never argue or voice opinions in public or private.

6. Wife ife shall conduct herself in accordance with Islamic scripture at all time.

Jeff's not a Muslim, but he felt that they had the best rules about how to keep broads in line.

Tom reveals that he knows Jeff, and Craig said that Tom was at the top of his s hitlist because he rubbed Jeff the wrong way in a big way. Then again, Craig was also high on the s hitlist because he ruined to Jeff's life by being born. He forced Jeff to go legit, shattering his dreams of becoming a famous PORNOgrapher. At this point, Craig unleashes a loud belch and admits to being a little in the Big Gulp cups from drinking an entire bottle of Wild Turkey cut with an orange Cert (he initially claimed the elixir contained some Orange Julius) that he hopes will mask his breath on the way home.

Craig found out his dad's IM username and password and spent a day chatting dirtily with his fifth wife, Kim. At the time, Jeff was 60 and Kim was 30 with a hot body (all natural stuff). Craig used to sell tickets to local to kids so they could watch Kim workout in the morning in skimpy outfits seemingly made from two mouse hides. The kids would watch the show for five minutes or however long it took.

Here's an excerpt from that IM session:

JCoop69: Hey.... what are you wearing?

Kim5: A Radio Hut headband.

JCoop69: That's it?

Kim5: Yep.

JCoop69: !!!!!!!! I want to do you for 180 gigs ; - )

Kim5: ????

JCoop69: I want to make the sweet stuff with you for three hours

Kim5: Mmmmm.....I'm desirous of a ride.

JCoop69: I will partake of your fruit basket in ways not sanctioned by The Holy Book.

Kim5: LOL. Oh, I listened to that mix tape that Craig made for me.

JCoop69: Good?

Kim5: Yes! I can't stop listening to this one song by Mother 13 called "Wired"

JCoop69: Really?? They're like my favorite band EVER.

Kim5: What? You've heard of them? I thought you only liked country and "bar bands"??

JCoop69: You're nuts! I like all kinds of stuff.

Kim5: Weird. I think M13 is playing the Newman's Own Peach Salsa-Kashi Go-Lean Crunch-Pilsner Urquell Champagne Jam next month.

JCoop69: Awesome! Craig said he put an Arch Enemy track on there. Did he?

Kim5: Yeah, I liked the riffs, but the vocals are too growly for me.

JCoop69: Sorry! Uh, I mean, Craig's such a dunce!

Kim5: No prob. He more than made up for it with Shostakovich's String Quartet No. 8 In C Minor, Op. 110: III. Allegretto and the Janitor Joe tracks. That AmRep stuff's really aged well. Their roster is my Beach Boys.

JCoop69: Speaking of the B Boys, that new Kelley Stoltz is really doing it for me. I'll tell Craig to throw some on the next mix.

Kim5: Nice. And maybe some Bad Brains?? I just took off the headband.

JCoop69: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll put it on Little Jeff when I see you later tonight, Barbara.

Kim5: Um, yeah, so are we still on for dinner?

JCoop69: Yeah, I'll pick you up in about 45 gigs. I can't wait to get out of my marriage. I'm not going to pay a cent in spousal support, either.

Craig ultimately busted up his father's marriage and offered Kim a shoulder (located under the sheets) to cry on and ended up marrying her. Jeff was not pleased and attempted to run over Craig with his van seven times.

It's almost closing time at Radio Hut, so Craig is anxious to close the hutPod sale with Tom. Tom has no interest in the product, and Craig threatens to hold Tom down, put the headphones from a Maxi hutPod boombox on him, and blast a mash-up of Barbara Streisand's "The Main Event" and Cannibal Corpse's "Force Fed Broken Glass" in his ear. More interesting than that, Craig will actually force feed broken glass to Tom. Craig tries to get Tom to add an eight-year extended service plan at a charge of $250 every 6 months. Tom threatens to call the police when Craig starts going over his credit history, which makes Craig nervous because his father is a wanted man. He threatens to sell Tom and his family to the quarry, which he admits was his idea and is still ongoing. Craig was recently informed by one of his foremans that a bulldozer got stuck, and he asks if Tom has any well-built neighbors that would help dislodge it.

Despite the combative nature of the bulk of the call, Craig wants to hang out and/or move in with Tom.

After last week's show, x amount contacted Craig about the mash-up he mentioned on the air and got him to send it by agreeing to purchase the sketchily catchily-named POT80 region-free DVD player (Craig guaranteed the player would in fact work anywhere in the country) with a 15-year extended service plan.

Babs vs. Cannibal Corpse - "The Main Event vs. Force Fed Broken Glass"

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Evan "Funk" Davies joins Tom to help boost the Good Guys coffers, Spike delivers a passionate pitch (as well as threatening to dithipline those who don't pledge their support) that sends donations soaring, Tom finally riffs on the Hazelmyer interview and super-creepy Abercrombie & Fitch dude (maybe), and a filthy carnie keeps the tentpole firmly in place for all three hours.

Comments

I live at 71244 Commonwealth in Seattle. Been up here before?

Not sure -- I think I might have seen a Green River/Tad show there in like '90? I remember Mark Arm saying something about this dude name "Flacklestein". Said you were inventing this thing called "spam".

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