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Proud Moments.

"I never cranked Grandpa." -- Spike on Al Lewis (RIP)
"I hurt and I click." -- Tom Scharpling on his jaw
"It involves nudity. And gunplay." -- Troy Renfro on his criminal record

[TBSOWFMU - 2/7/06 / Podmirth / Theme Ditties .mp3'd.]

Happy (belated) Birthday to Mr. Tom Scharpling!
You give birth to smiles, sir!

Annotated highlights of the love, laughter, and truth:

- After spinning "Cherry Cola", the homicidally sexy new Eagles of Death Metal track, Tom notes that his elixir of choice en route to the station was a digusting diet vanilla black cherry Pepsi. This made Tom nostalgic for the "suicide sodas" of youth, the ill-advised concoctions of Coke, Sierra Mist, Powerade, and Diet Dr. Pepper that are a constant bane to the guy at the soda store. (Choice Tom sound effect: the kirsh-y fountain dispensing noise.) It's time for the soda men to fully embrace the new generation of soda lovers!

- Tom immediately recognized Spike's voice (starts at 24:00), a feat that Spike attributes to psychic powers rather than simply a functional sense of hearing. Spike initially calls on a scratchy connection from the clinic at the Baltic Street Treatment and Resource Center before he is caught and whisked back to his room by some orderlies who have no interest in Spike's offer for a dithipline session.

Tom briefly segues into a new topic, but notes that if Spike calls back, he goes staight to the front of the line just like he's getting his meds. It's hard to argue with Tom's point that waiting for Spike to reconnect with more clarity is a low point for all of our lives, but I must admit that I was getting a bit jittery at the thought that he may not come back. I needed my Spike fix! Proud moments. Spike does indeed call back from the new Radio Hut POT20 phone they installed in his room.

Spike adds drugs/meds to his ever-growing list of don'ts and wants to discuss the loss of two great Americans: Coretta Scott King and Al "Grandpa" Lewis, who was apparently a member of Team Zissou. Spikes admits to calling Al's WBAI show "once in a blue moon" ("Heeeeelllllooooo, Grandpa. Where's Debbie?"), but spared him any of his telephonic ruses since he only cranks people he doesn't like. Tom grills Spike about his early, Sadie/Debbie-driven calls to the Best Show, and Spike says that he was being unintentionally rude because he had yet to make a personal connection with Tom (aka "Babe", which he is now banned from saying).

Tom gets letters! Spike braces himself for the poison-pen prose by sitting down on one of his orange crates and taking a swig of hose water from the building next door. The longhand letter is rife with Mahky Ramone/Marky Mark-level grammar and calls Spike short (this accusation is false: devotees know that Spike is 6' 4"), fat, sad, and sick. The writer requests that Tom cease referring to him/it by his self-appointed name and, instead, put it all together and use "Droopy Zippermouth" as his exclusive name during calls to deprive Spike of any of the validation and gratification that comes with being a welcomed member of the Scharplingverse. He also nominates Spike for FRD [sic] of the Week© for the remainder of 2006. Spike dismisses the author as idiotic, abnormal, and extremely unAmerican. Spike also denies that his childhood nickname was Droopy Dog.

Spike's words are coming out a bit garbled and Tom gets him to admit that HE HAD A LOZENGE IN HIS MOUTH. Stunning. Last week he delivers a star-making call, hooking Tom in the process, and he follows that up by s hitting the airwaves with a Ricola in his mouth? If he had a sore throat that required soothing, fine, but that thing should have gone in no later than about mid-"Panic In Detroit", so it had time to dissolve before calling. Do your prep, Spike! Amateur hour, sir. It's a tentpole show. Coming into a tentpole with a mouthful of Sucrets. Is Spike a Ready for Prime Time Player? After being called on it, Spike swallowed the drop, but did he swallow his rising fame with it?

Recidivism research reveals that Spike is a martial arts enthusiast -- hopefully he visited a Queens dojo this past weeked to instill some dithipline to make his next call lozenge-free.

It's time for a Lady Godiva Business UPDATE: Spike's world is going "wickedly splendid" -- 4 or 5 slaves per weeknight with a boost in business on weekenders. Tom asks Spike how his clients track him down (the local PennySaver?) and Spike says that he places advertisments in niche publications that cannot be read by people under 25. Spike cites Masters magazine as one of his preferred periodicals for his promotional text: "Dominant Master in Queens seeks Willing Slaves", followed by his business phone number. Good heavens. Tom doesn't do business phones.

Spike gives some insight into his middling, pencil-and-paper pushin' government job (he denies being a postal worker or a spy), and Tom is understandably terrified that Spike is in a position of some responsibility. It's unclear as to how many lives Spike could ruin with a bad decision, but he makes a troubling comment about the results of pushing the wrong buttons on the computer during data entry. Luckily, he does not posses the codes to launch missiles. So far, he has only used his access level to change grades.

Spike renews his attacks on GWB and shifts the call into some heavy political talk. [At this point, Bryce turns off his radio, grabs a bundle of tunes -- American Beauty on vinyl, the Suitcase 2 box, and a CD-R of First Impressions of Earth burned by his dealer -- and retires to his basement for a Widowski Superdream Wow session.] He finds it sad that Americans would vote for a man with a -9 IQ; Tom once again points out that he voted for Bush because he's our leader and deserves our respect, clearly earning a mandate in the 2004 landslide victory. Spike is also saddened to learn that Mike the Courageous Call Screener is not only a Bush supporter, but was a NJ delegate at the 2004 Republican National Convention, has visited the President at his ranch in Crawford, and was on the short list of people to run FEMA, eventually losing out to Brownie due to his lack of equestrian experience.

Spike also weighed in on the state of the Cuban nation, stating that Fidel Castro does not require any dithiplinary action and that Cuba is doing just fine. Tom suggests that maybe their transportation technology could use an upgrade, but Spike is unmoved.

Finally: it seems that some of the Best Show vernacular has penetrated the droopy zipper mask and seeped into Spike's mondo bizarro mind. Check it:

Droopy Zippermouth - "Yeah. Why?"

So we learned that Spike's rockin' the 'stache. Maybe he looks a lot like Che Guavara? Probably closer to Oscar Gamble.

- Best Show under seige: Tom discusses (starts at 40:20) the Poster Children crack-up that surfaced last week and is ready to do battle because Rose not only went after him, but also attacked his audience.

Background: Rick and Lady Foulmouth -- the driving force behind the Poster Children -- broadcast a profane pod program on a radio station emanating from their house. Tom was alerted to a sound clip of Rose's attack on TBSOWFMU from their 1/29/06 filthcast and plays it to analyze its nuances. Here's the clip in question:

Rick & Cher - "Jackin' Tom's Stylee"

Summary of Tom's analysis/response:

1.) I, Tom Scharpling, am not irritating (this is confirmed by Mike the Courageous Screen Caller, which is all the confirmation one needs). As for Best Show callers being irritating, Tom points out that he has callers. (ZUNG!) Tom compares his status as Best Show host to that of a Philadelphia sports fan -- he can yell at his own team; external "post wave" pop musicians cannot.

2.) Rose exhibits poor show preparation by not knowing if the Big Dipper catalog was OOP. Bush-league. Tom distances himself from the rest of the radio pack by being up on the current availability of Big Dipper records.

3.) Rose steals Tom's bit about CBGB's being a club before it was a clothing store. Filth move, Rose. Stop trying to living through Tom's memories.

4.) Tom doesn't lie, and defies anyone ever to point out one sliver of misinformation he has unleashed -- even accidentally -- on the air.

5.) Rose is a decidedly second-rate broadcaster who doesn't even know how to eat popcorn. Tom can successfully eat popcorn. Tom suggests that the whole "popcorn needle in throat" chat is personal information better left at the house, but since they broadcast from their home pod, this is problematic. He has stuff in his mouth and yet he's able to carry on like a true pro.

6.) The Best Show audience is very smart. Some members of the Best Show Brain Trust: Stevie Blue, Spike, Garrett, Mahky, Philly Boy Roy, MC Steinberg, Tommert the Voice of Sanity, etc. The Best Show audience also reads good magazines, like Entertainment Weekly and Pizza Aficianado, not trashy rags like Us Weekly and Harp.

7.) The Best Show is an above-board Family Fun Hour, unlike the pottymouthed, blue Poster Kids show. Best Show does not do filth.

In short: WAR is declared. More to come: Lady Foulmouth was at it again here -- now they're claiming that Tom is a hopeless 20th Century Digital Boy, offering up a faux, government-beholden podcast, compared to their modern punkcast. Give it up, Rose. You're no match for the FOT. You will be crushed under the combined weight of MC Steinberg and Droopy Zippermouth. Your heads will be bitten off by an enigmatic, truth telling Internet dinosaur. The only winning move is not to play.

- Rick in Albany calls (starts at to 50:08) to tell Tom that he's the guy referenced by Rose at the end of the above clip. He lived it. After seeing the Poster Children play a show at Bogies, he took them in as he often did with bands coming through town. Turns out that Rick and Rose did more than just lay on his floor -- they were making the sweet stuff in front of his dear granddad, who was staying with Rick while his house was getting flea-bombed. Shortly thereafter, they slammed Rick in Rockpool magazine because there was more to the story:

The next morning, as R & R were rubbing the sleep out of their eyes, they went looking for their bags. Rick tells them that he may have seen their stuff in the bathroom. They are confused by this and investigate with Rick trailing behind. The shower is running and Rose is reluctant to go in because she assumed that someone was in there. The curtain is whipped open to reveal that all their bags are in the tub getting soaked. Tom finds it all a bit devious (especially since Rick's strategy was to transfer the bags while his guests were asleep), which causes Rick to wonder how the call turned into the "Inquisition of Rick". Rick did not appreciate their rude lovemaking display and, for him, the next logical step was to water their luggage for at least three hours.

Other bands soaked in Albany:

Helmet: Got soaked just before the Poster Children incident; got mad

All: Loved it. Rick soaked their luggage every time they came through and they left him a t-shirt (unlike the Poster Children). Rick also made waffles for them.

Seaweed: Kind of into it.

Unrest: Not into it.

Yo La Tengo: Really Not into it -- Ira went a s on him. Rick noted that they had a reputation for being cool dudes and dudettes, but he had a much different experience with them.

GG Allin: Liked it. Tom correctly notes that this was probably the only time that Kevin's clothes were ever washed. Rick digs the quip and intends to use it in his forthcoming indie rock memoir, The Soaker: My Shower Could Contain Your Luggage.

Kingsnake Roost: Reaction unknown

Magnetic Fields: Reaction unknown, but I bet Merritt hated it

Earth: Reaction unknown

Dave Grohl (as a roadie for Scream post-Nevermind taking off): Ricks asks Tom to use his entertainment industry hook-ups to score a 170-word book jacket blurb from Grohl.

Old Skull: Loved it and actually turned the tables on Rick when T.J. set up a Slip 'N Slide in the backyard and soaked all of Rick's band t-shirts. Old Skull also cleaned out all of his all of his fruit roll-ups and jacked his Nintendo. Before leaving, T.J. alerted local police to the stash of marijuana he saw in Ricky's dresser drawer.

Rick's favorite soaking was his thorough dampening of a rock vixen's unmentionables.

Helmet - "Sinatra"

Drive-By Truckers - "The Day G.G. Allin Came To Town"

- Quick check-in from Stevie Blue (starts at 1:09), who has been busy with his day job, to give Tom an update on his promising new band, the Laughing Dolphins. Mike, the band's guitarist, apparently plays his guitar in a manner comparable to Keith Richards. The band's logo is a big-lipped and toothy smile with dolphins shooting out of it. SB is still working on getting Roth as a Best Show guest and notes that DLR lacks juice and that Tom is kicking his ears in. Tom is holding firm to his prediction that he will shuffle the coil by Stevie Blue's hands.

- Contact Buzz: Tom had an exciting run-in (starts at 1:13) with a listener at a weekender at The Delancey. What was initially a cordial meet-and-greet turned ugly after Marco sauced himself into a lad insane and torpedoed into Tom's unopens arms, delivering a full-on elbow to Tom's jaw, rendering it clicky for life. Tom shudders to think what he might do for something he didn't like. Thanks for listening!

Marco calls later to issue an apology for his drunken actions and offers to repeat his performance on the Poster Children.

Marco cannot hold his alcohol. He can, however, hold people. You're no Bob Pollard, son:

Next time, make sure El Goodo's arms are open and ready:

The Lemonheads - "Into Your Arms"

- Tom plays yet another white-hot track from the new Boris record (spun at 1:16), which has now been certified by G-o-d as one of the top 5 of the year.

Tom is unable to provide the track title (I did some research and it roughly translates to "Gold-Plated Chopsticks") because he is boycotting comprehension of the Japanese language until they correct the lyrics on the 12" single of XTC's "Scissor Man" they put out in 1982. Do it, Japan.

Primus - "Scissor Man"

- Troy Renfro, FWDefensive End for the Super Bowl Champion Steelers, calls (starts at 1:18) to discuss the big game and his love/hate relationship with the fans. After playing college ball at USC, Troy was drafted by the SF 49ers in 2002 and became a Steeler in 2005. He seems to be genuinely appreciative of the Steeler faithful, who would do anything to have their team bring the trophy back home. Troy is aware that the blue collars fans don't have the easiest lives, working hard all week in mills and factories to provide metals and wood for the rest of the country, and watching the Steelers play on Sunday is something they live for. This is why Troy gives it his 180% effort.

Troy notes that the team gets 3rd-grade quality fan mail ("Sinsinatty") from the likes of Hoffman's Muffler Shop employees, suggesting that they lacked the guts, brains, and right moves to stick it out and make it through the Pittsburgh school system. These missives are put on display in the clubhouse on "The Dope Board".

Many of fans come up to Troy and tell him stories about football careers thwarted after they knocked up their girlfriends in high school and became boozehounds tied down by their unwanted families. In these scenarios, Troy grabs them by the jacket and tells them that they should have used a condom. (Troy is totally Catholic, but has a block on certain passages of Biblical text.) Troy thinks it's weird to run into fans who carry Alleghany Free Times clippings about their gridiron glory days in their wallets, spreading them out on a bar table for Troy to read. Troy cannot believe that the wiry, muscley guys in these pictures are really them.

Worst part: they will challenge you to a blocking contest if you don't show them proper respect. Troy refuses all requests because he does not want to hurt them and face legal action and won't hurt himself just so they can tell their hardhat buddies that they scrimmaged against a real Steeler at local watering hole. At this point, Tom is quite taken aback by Troy's blanket statements and dim view of his loyal supporters. Troy notes that he's simply talking from experience and that they are all wonderful people that he loves.

Troy offers Tom a great story that he planned save it for his book, but he's feeeling good after drinking a little vino so here it goes: He almost didn't make it to the Super Bowl. On Saturday night he went to Shelter on the lower level of the Saint Andrew's club in Detroit and went home with three goth chicks, which is an acceptable fling (understatement of the century) because he'll be separating from Desiree in about a month. He woke up at 2 p.m. on Sunday, had no idea where he was, and had to hot wire one of the chick's cars to drive from Ann Arbor to Detroit, which is fair because they rolled all of his credit cards.

One of the girls can be seen pawing at the frontman for Specimen here:

Troy was concerned that Bill "Bologna Lips" Cowher would try to contact him before the game, but this was not an issue because Cowher rarely spoke to 3rd and 4th teamers; in fact, Troy was put on permanent IR list for the duration of the season. Since he'll likely be traded in the spring (preferably to an NFL franchise in the Bahamas where he can play wearing flattering bikini briefs and sip Coronas from the sidelines), Troy told the truth about his injury.

In the second preseason game versus the Dolphins in Pittsburgh (a bummer for Troy since you can be D S that he preferred to be playing for hot models looking for dates to Sky Bar intsead of playing in Steeltown for Claude and Maude Punchclock), Troy played a good portion of the third quarter, making a couple of stellar tackles and avoiding any jock-strap fakeouts. He tackled Dolphins RB Willie Parker and, while seated on his head amidst a massive pile-up, he was pumped up enough to unleash gas in Parker's face. Proud moment. Willie got as mad as a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding (i.e., real mad) and retaliated by grabbing Troy's foot and twisting his ankle to the point of howling pain.

He pretended that he just twisted his ankle to avoid the embarrassment of being known as "Troy Fartman, The Flatulence Footballer". After going down to injury, the locals were even nicer to him, as Troy went from getting apps and desserts comped to having his money be no good anywhere in the city.

Troy is also a musician who had a show on the college station at USC. His playlists included The Beatles, Three Doors Down, and Einst├╝rzende Neubaten, and he had an Andy Richteresque sidekick. The Circle Jerks' Keith Morris would also stop by the studio from time to time. He cued up his first single -- "Honeybone", the title track from his music record album produced by Scott Humphrey (Methods of Mayhem, Mother 13, The Cult, Rob Zombie, Crue) -- on his ghettoblaster so Tom could get a taste. Tom cut it off due to eight curses (Troy must have thought he was on Radio Zero). Troy said he thought that language was fine for 2006 radio and was under the impression that he was talking to the 98-pound host of a high school radio show. He eventually admits that the lyrics were unsuitable for broadcast, but thought he could get away with it since he was a Steeler. This legit jam should be up for download now ($9.99 for the single / $79.99 for the full album) on House of Renfro (the site appears to be down -- amateur hour, son). Profanity aside, Tom thought "Honeybone" sounded like dated nu-metal. Troy believes it's totally Bizkitian in a good way and thinks of a stage name he will start using: MC Troy Roy.

In addition to the inflated SRP for his music, Troy will be trying to raise much-needed dough by selling his unworn uniform from the Super Bowl (he wore a Steelers cap because they lent his uniform to someone else) because he lost a lot of money betting on the game. He bet his house, Hummer, and $120,000 in cash on the Seahawks. All he has left is "Honeybone" and his Super Bowl ring. Tom's not interested in purchasing the ring, which prompts Troy to compare him to the sad Hines Ward. Troy assumed that Hines was his brougham, but he opted to take Jerome Bettis to Disney citing Troy's lack of happening vibe. Tom asks Troy if he heard this at the celebration parade, but Troy had spaced on that event and had gone straight to LA from Detroit to honor a prior comittment -- he is one of 5 judges for the broads at this year's Miss Hustler pageant. The rest of the panel: Dennis Rodman, He Hate Me, Jeremy Piven, and Mahky Ramone (who Troy's really hitting it off with -- he also reports that the erotic fiction world is buzzing over Lady Wainsworth's Desires, which comes out on Thursday.)

Tom somehow inspires Renfro to believe that he could make his dough back by becoming a really kick-ass pimp (proceeds will not be shared with Tom). Troy becomes angry at Tom's continual refusals to buy the personally-inscribed ring and believes that Tom has now dropped to 30 pounds and then turns to dust. Troy's final words are a threat to shove the ring down Tom's face.

- Gordon is back (and he apparently moved from South to North Dakota in the last week) for another round of Love/Hate for Tom (starts at 2:12):

1. Good guys - LOVE
2. Bad guys - HATE
3, Plain almonds - LOVE
4. Wicker furniture - HATE
5. Rod Roddy - LOVE
6. Bill Kohler Cowler Cowher - LOVE
7. Fred Willard - LOVE
8. Ouija boards - HATE
9. Devil Dogs snack cakes - HATE
10. Payola - HATE

Uh oh. Gordon believes it's obvious that Tom is lying about payola because he's playing the same songs every week, such as the Deeeee Ceeeeee Sniiipers. Tom still denies it, claiming that Viking Lofgren drives a toilet paper truck and lacks the funds to dish out proper payola. Tom, just admit it!

- Zeph calls (starts at 2:19) to chime in on Tom's samey playlists and declare that he and Gordon are brothers in arms on this issue. Zeph cites Tom's weekly spins of the Lady Godiva song as further evidence that he's being paid off and promises to snuff him out if it continues.

- High school journalist Ethan calls (starts at 2:23) to get some quotes from Tom so he can meet a tight deadline. Here is the story he filed this morning:


Tastes Great

Local radio host tells Port Morris students to keep their hats and cell phones in their locker; issues support for embattled councilman.

By Ethan Wainsworth IV, Staff Writer
e_wainsworth @ juktmicronics.com

I was recently granted an exclusive interview with Tippi Scharpling, the host of The Best Show on WFMU, a weekly transmission of mindmelts, madness and mathematics that airs from 6 to 8 p.m. every Thursday. It is currently the highest-rated radio program in the country and was the second-most downloaded podcast in the entire world last week, only trailing Gervais and Merchant. I spoke to Timmy about how he entered the entertainment industry and a variety of hot-button issues affecting the Port Morris student body. This is Scharpling's first interview since he spoke to Trouser Press (#89) about the burgeoning "kiddie-punk" scene in Southwestern Newbridge. (Certain segments of this interview -- including interesting discussions about his heroic stint in the Persian Gulf War, his turbulent, six-month reign as Iron Chef New Jersey, and the time that he and Page Hamilton invented the electric guitar in the stock room of a Radio Hut in Clifton -- were cut for space, but you can read the unabridged version on our brand new website: http://www.geocities.com/Port Morris/English 201/Mrs. Barrow/4th Period/Projects/Patriot Press/2006/February/issue0214/Interviews/Wainsworth/Online_Exclusives/TS_full

Patriot Press. How did you get to host the show?

Tammy Scharpling: Basically I wanted to do a radio show, I volunteered here at the station, and one thing led to another and I got a show. I submitted a tape and they liked it, and then I did a music show and it became a talk show after a while.

PP: Who has been your biggest radio influence?

TS: I like listening to a lot of talk radio. Sometimes the people I'm most influenced by are people I don't like. Bob Grant - I despise his politics, but I think he's an engaging broadcaster. I really liked mid-period Oliver North and I think Hannity's doing some interesting things stylistically. I admire O'Reilly's unflappable swagger. I also did my fair share of listening to Howard Stern when I was growing up. In terms of pure radio comedy, there's definitely a strong throughline from Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling to my comedic sensibilities. And I also like Bob and Ray, who are two old-timey radio personalities. As for newer stuff, I've liked what I've heard from Rick and Rose on the Poster Children pod show -- they have a folksy charm that's fun.

PP: What advice would you give to any high school student interested in disc jockeying?

TS: Huh. That's a good question. Maybe get involved in a small station, get on the mic sooner than you would at a big station. Learn as much as you can about all the facets of radio.

PP: What is your stance on cell phones in school?

TS: What's that?

PP: Uh, your stance on cell phones in school.

TS: I guess I would think that they might be counterproductive to learning. Maybe you bring 'em in and shut 'em off and keep 'em in your locker.

PP: What do you think about school uniforms?

TS: Public, I would disagree; private schools can have whatever agenda they want to have with clothing, but a public school -- I would not support that.

PP: This next one is kind of a touchy subject. When you were in school were there any gay or lesbian students, and how were they treated?

TS: When I was in school, it was not an issue that was discussed a whole lot. I'm sure there were, but it was not an issue that you would talk about. It would be somebody's private matter.

PP: What is your favorite new music?

TS: I guess stuff I play on the show a lot. I like this record by Boris, I like this recod by The Black Lips, I like the new Robert Pollurde record. You can take anything I play on the show and that's me enjoying it. I get paid to play records, but I actually do like some of them.

PP: Hats. Allowed or banned? What's your take.

TS: I kinda don't have much of an opinion on hats in school either way.

PP: You don't have a quote or anything?

TS: Maybe hats should also be left in the locker.

PP: Recently, Senora Belle, one of our school's Spanish teachers, suffered a mild heart attack. Do you have any messages for her while she recovers in the hospital?

[Scharpling laughs]

TS: Feel better. Please have a safe and healthy recovery and feel better soon.

PP: Recently a student of ours was quoted as saying he drinks beer, but was penalized for it. Do you think that's fair to the student.

TS: Why do you need quotes from me on these things? I don't go to your school.

PP: I have a deadline tomorrow.

TS: In what context did he say that?

PP: Well, they asked him does he drink and he said he drinks because it tastes good and he got taken off of student council.

TS: Well, maybe it wasn't the smartest thing for him to say in a public forum, but I think he should be allowed to offer his opinion.

PP: Could you repeat that?

TS: I don't think maybe it was the smartest thing for him to say on school grounds, but he's entitled to his opinion, and that's an issue between him and his parents.

PP: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Um. Par-. Alright, um, alright, that's it. I don't want to waste your time, it's just that my journalism editor is a real tightwad.

TS: OK, well, it's a pleasure to help you out for your school thing.

PP: OK, real quick, just one more. Valentine's Day is coming up, do you have any Valentine's suggestions or memories.

TS: Suggestion in what way, like if you have a date or something?

PP: Yeah.

TS: Buy your girlfriend or boyfriend something nice.

PP: Do you have something better?

TS: Something better than that? I would say you try to treat them as nice as you would treat them on Valentine's Day every day.

PP: Do you have something better than that?

TS: That's actually pretty good advice: the way people want to be treated on Valentine's Day, you should try to treat the people that are special to you like that everyday.

PP: I already have like three quotes for that and those were two of the ones already said. Do you have something better?

TS: Try to do something unique to take them by surprise. How's that?

PP: Also one of the other quotes.

TS: I can't help what else you've got! Come on!

PP: Well, I'm-

TS: I gotta say goodnight.

[I start crying.]

TS: You're not crying?

PP: No, no. I'm the voice of the public.

TS: What's wrong with you? I give you a quote, look you've got your quote. I can't help it if people already said the same thing.

PP: No, no.

© Patriot Press, 2006. A publication of Port Morris High School.

- Tom discusses his beloved Puppy Bowl 2 and gets a call (starts at 2:32) from punchy referee Cliff Givens (initially plagued by buzzing sounds), who needs to set the record staight. Whereas Tom found it relaxing, simple, and brilliant, the event sent Cliff on a downward spiral he may never recover from.

[Note: Dogmo, the funniest animal in America, was named MVP.]

Cliff's primary complaint is that he was mislead as to his official dutes: he was under the impression that he just had to wear the uniform and pop into a few shots, but he was tricked into doing additional tasks, such as changing the water bowls (his cell phone fell in one) and placing toys. He's also no animal lover -- he finds their odor overwhelming and their dead eyes give him the creeps. Even worse, he was forced to lift the animals into the ring and had great difficultly with one of the cats during the Bissell Vacuum Cleaner Kitty Halftime Show, which had to be shot four times in order to get proper confetti coverage. He was also surprised to discover that the dogs would be accidentally excreting waste during play.

Cliff hasn't slept in a week and now must deal with the trappings of fame and mobs that attack him on the street, perhaps tipped off to his identity by the fact that he goes out in public wearing the referee outfit and a Eukanuba bomber-style jacket (his only clean clothes) while carrying the Puppy Bowl sign and a pet transporter with one of the players in it. He has been shrieking and recoiling in terror at approaching women and he now has a better appreciation for celebrities cracking under the pressure of fame, such as Dave Chappelle's retreat to Africa.

Cliff will not return to the Bowl in 2007 despite the fact that he pulls $7 for each DVD sale. With projected sales of 200k units, Cliff is looking at a $1.4 million payday, but it's not enough to repair the psychic damage.

Tom says that Cliff sounds like some kind of mustache-twirling villain and notes that only Commies don't like the Puppy Bowl.

DC Snipers - "Soviet Union"

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Too Much Show remainders -- the Abercrombie & Fitch article courtesy of rapper Ted Leo and the Tom Hazelmyer interview about the invention of rock music, Spike attempts to conduct a call with a ball gag in his mouth and mourns the loss of another great American, Tom discusses the brain contusion he suffered at Glamdammit when an FOTer expressed his love for the show by delivering a crane technique kick to his head, and the Good Guys restore the world to DEFCON 5 after disarming the latest threat out of Chicago with a smile. Overall, it will be the perfect amorous accompaniment for those driving around with their loved ones.

Good Night, And Good Luck.

My Bloody Valentine - "Only Shallow"

The Dude abides ...

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