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Peanut Butter In Your Paradigm.

"You apologizing is the first step in admitting that there's a problem, that there's an angry little Tommy inside you." -- Rick Valentin to Tom
"I hope you don't get what you want." -- Tom to Akiva Smirnoff
"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky." -- Kelly Clarkson

[T(*)SOWFMU - 2/14/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / FOT]

*Pending earning it back on 2/21/06.

Hey, Petey ... do you know about a band called "Belle and Sebastian"?

Belle and Sebastian - "Sukie in the Graveyard" ( Click here to buy The Life Pursuit from Insound.)
Belle and Sebastian - "Lazy Line Painter Jane" ( Click here to buy Push Barman To Open Old Wounds from Insound.)

Annotatt hIghlites@4 8 15 16 23 42 <<<=========>>> startswithpandrhymeswithcrayola 180%peanutccchhewssllladywainsworthsGompfestDDD getoffmyddanielbugsapanxxxxxxxx...dedededededah freedomriderfreethemwm3peeeeeeeeeeeeeedeeeeeeeeeeeeemaaaaaaaaaaaaahky



Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Whaaah. I hate this. I hate my uncle's computer so much. It's a Dell he got about a year ago so he can use PartyPoker and download eroticicities. I always do these recaps on my tricked-out, custom-made (by me) Omar9000 Linux box, but I'm visiting my uncle Udo Erasmus at his "writer's cabin" (constructed entirely from Flaxbrique®, crushed walnuts, and rendered tuna fat) in the mountains of East Schwenksville, PA. Uncle Udo's a renowned nutrition expert and he's in his study banging away on a typewriter trying to finish his sequel to Fats That Heal, Fats That Kill: The Complete Guide to Fats, Oils, Cholesterol and Human Health. He wants to call it Fats That Heal, Fats That Kill 2: Omega-3 Boogaloo, but I told him that the "x 2: Boogaloo" joke is totally played out.

I'm in his guest room, which is eerily quiet and boiler-room hot. And that typewriter is so loud! It sounds like artillery fire. I went in there a few minutes ago to give him some herbal tea, and I thought I was in that Albert Finney scene from Miller's Crossing. I don't think this monitor -- 17", ugh -- is working either. It's like there's a gaggle of von Trimble orphans nestled inside the cathode ray tube, trying to etch-a-sketch my keystrokes with the world's tiniest needle. Hold on a sec. Ha ha! Uncle Udo just asked me if I tried turning the computer off and then turning it back on again. Man.

My research assistant/IT guru is bed-ridden with the flu (I think she's faking), so let me see if I can take care of this. In the meantime, watch Husker Dude on The Joan Rivers Show:

No luck yet. I'm actually considering calling Horse from The Jock Squad, but I'm not sure if we could offer him an acceptable meal other than maybe some of the Alderfer ring bologna I picked up earlier today. Be right back -- check out this clip of Dinosaur Jr playing "Kracked" at the Blind Pig in Ann Arbor, MI, on 9/15/87:

I think I fixed it! Need to reboot. Here's a comedy skit about another magazine that Spike advertises in:

Not only are the tech issues resolved, but I just had some steamed broccoli and an UdoShake® -- an exclusive blend of carrot, pear, parsley, wheatgrass, fresh ginger, and herring. Disgusting? Kinda. Invigorating? D S.

Annotated highlights of the mighty oak tree that everybody wants to bring down:

- NO SPIKE. Tom's at a loss for how to start the show sans his buddy. Did the 15-minute phones snafu leave Spike crying on his orange crate holding his antique phone receiver to his ear as the line repeatedly rang unrequited? As Tom pointed out, the more likely scenario is that his Valentine's Day business was going so wickedly scrumdidilyumptious that he was unable to call anyway. I was flipping through the current issue of Masters and saw that Spike placed one of those audible centerfold ads ("My Name is Spike ...") promoting his V-Day Special: buy a 30-minute session and get a FREE VG+ Chuck Berry 78 and a CASSette tape featuring the best of his WBAI "Sexy Sadie" cranks.

- Dave in Boston calls (starts 44:51) on a lonely Valentine's Day and reveals that his last relationship went sour due to some infidelity with his girlfriend's sister. Tom offers a quick diagnosis: Dave (age 25) has a lot of growing and toughening up to do. He's an insult to soft-serve ice cream -- he's gelato. Tom recommends a move from the North End to the mean streets of Southie.

- Gordon from North Dakota returns (starts at 47:04) for a Valentine's Day edition of Love/Hate for Tom:

1. Good guys - LOVE

2. Bad guys - HATE

3. Adrien Brody - LOVE

4. Rockin' Mel Slirrup - LOVE

5. Dried apricots - HATE

6. Jibber jabber - HATE

7. Jan Smithers - LOVE

8. Nerf footballs - LOVE

9. Dogs with bandanas - LOVE

10. The Take - ?

Tom requests some clarifcation on the definition of "The Take" and gets a cryptic, two-word hint: D A. This stands for District Attorney, suggesting that Tom's payola scandal is about to be subject to an official legal probe ("Your Honor, I'd like to call Mr. A.C. Newman to the stand ...").

Tom began a Love/Hate for Gordon:

1. GOMP - LO-

Gordon gets the highly damning, sotto voce GET OFF MY PHONE, which blew through like a quiet breeze.

- Now to War. Tom declares that the Poster Children shenanigans must end. Rick and Rose started the fire (with the dreaded "i" word), and Tom will finish it tonight. As Walter Sobchak said: this aggression will not stand, man.

Z-E-P-H returns to get things going (starts at 1:12) because he's got a 'nother bone to pick with Tom. Tom erroneously thinks his foist name is spelled Z-E-F, which Z-E-P-H finds hilariously rich. The name is based on his father's fondness for Zephyrs, which was also Zeph's foist toy. Zeph provides his last name as well: Marshack. He's Rose's uncle, and he wants Tom to apologize for what he's been saying about his neice. He calls Tom (who he believes deserves the Radio Zero rippage) and the entire Best Show crew smart alecks and claims that Mike the Courageous Call Screener called him an unrepeatable name beginning with the letter "f" and ending with "hole". This understandably hurt Zeph's feelings. (If true, filth move, Mike.)

Zeph asks Tom about the specifics of his beef between Rose and Tom. Tom informs him that Rose found him annoying (Zeph kind of agrees with that) and said his callers were little girls (from his sampling of the calls, Zeph can’t say he disagrees with that assessment). Zeph is perplexed and suggests that soon Tom will be dissing No More Songs About Sleep and Fire and DDD (which means it was recorded, mastered, and produced in digital).

Zeph is a fan of early Poster Children, but doesn't think they've ever been the same since Howie Kantoff left the band. Even though he played drums with gloves on, Zeph believes they lost a lot of momentum when he left, though Rose would never really cop to that. Overall, the band kinda lost Zeph after Tool of the Man, but he still follows them out of familial obligation.

Tom's at a loss for words, but Zeph has a suggestion: “Rose, I’m sorry for what I’ve been saying to you.” Zeph is then surprised by a call from Rick, the husband of his beloved neice. [Zeph is temporarily cut off and then reconnects, calling Tom a jerk for dumping him.]

Zeph admits that he's not been on the best of tourms with R&R since the Thanksgiving 2003 incident, but hopes that they can put that behind them. In the incident in question, Uncle Zeph got a little in his cups and felt compelled to show everyone little Uncle Zeph, who he dipped in the turkey. He ended up falling down in the snow and got arrested by the Champagne, IL. police. He apparently also revealed little Zeph at the Blind Pig and High Dive clubs. R&R are reluctant to have Zeph make future trips from Lexington, KY, to Champagne because his antics are not kid-friendly and would be unfit for Graham. Zeph said his behavior is the result of him seeing R&R drink and wanting to join in the fun. He predicts that Little Uncle Zeph’s gonna come out again on a future visit.

There are some audio issues on Rick's end since Tom and Zeph are using an outdated telephony paradigm instead of Skype. Zeph can hear Rick fine and suggests that Rick is wearing a fancy headset that is digitizing Zeph's voice in DD. Zeph aborts the call because he has to hit the can.

Summary of the Rick vs. Tom debate (which will also be the subject of an expert panel of psychologists, linguists, and computer scientists on C-SPAN 2 this Wednesday from 2 to 4 a.m.):

Rick: Tom has contempt for Democratic media, DJs are pushing content to a captive, helpless audience -- sad, lonely men in their ivory radio tower who force lackeys to chop up their content for distribution as an inauthentic "podcast", Tom is working off of a 19th century model using outdated technology (Tom: "IT'S NOT A MODEL!"), Radio Zero doesn't use a megaphone to abuse listeners -- Rick's a uniter while Tom is a divider, Tom is a Puppetmaster who uses his bully pulpit to fill empty, angry high school drones with hate (this charge is later retracted), and suggests that Tom needs to wise up to the fact that his hard exterior is masking the fragile, unhinged little Tommy, who lashes out with a blowtorch of anger at the slightest comment or when someone gnaws at the inner truth about him. In short: Tom's in need of a psychological tourniquet.

Aimee Mann - "Wise Up" ( Click here to buy the Magnolia soundtrack from Amazon.)

Aimee Mann - "Save Me"

Tom: He's not sad -- doing a show in your kitchen is sad; so-called authentic podcasts are just talking blogs and it's bad enough to have to read about some guy's cereal eating habits, Tom BRINGS IT, BABY: The Best Show is appointment entertainment loaded with value, Tom can take calls on a non-home phone and doesn't have to worry about a kid spilling grape juice on his radio station, R&R are tech snobs, Tom talks with the callers instead of at them, and his show was built from humble roots and now has a true, grassroots community that spans well beyond the kitchen table.

Tom was on the verge of sleep, so he requests that Rick put Rose on the line assuming she can avoid cursing like a call screener.

- Bryce calls (starts 1:56), and he's not entirely sure about who he's talking to or his whereabouts. He asks Rick about working with Steve Albini (very pleasant) and wants to confirm the stories he's heard about Albini killing people. Bryce once saw Albini ice Blackie Onassis from Urge Overkill with a bicycle, but it was in one of his violent dreams. Bryce wonders what Rick and Tom are smoking, and Rick states that he's sXe, which Bryce declares "so uncool". Tom suggests that Rick's only vice is putting down others, which Bryce hears as "pudding", but Rick does not eat pudding because it contains gelatin. Bryce laments: "Oh man, so many rules."

Bryce also wants to know if Death Cab picked up a Grammy for Best Alternative Album. (Note for Bryce: they lost to The White Stripes' Get Behind Me Satan). Tom asks Rick if he's ever been nominated for a Grammy and Bryce offers a puzzled response of "No, I don't really play anything!"

R & R eventually cuddled, bubbled, and huddled their way to a truce offering, which Tom accepted. Call off the FOTwa 'cause the WAR is ova:

The Great and Powerful Tom has spoken. Rick and Rose (and young Graham) are now allies in the real battle -- the Good Guys continuing to win in 2006.

Check out Rose's good blog post about getting caught up in the Kaufman/Grodinesque maelstrom.

Here's a track recorded by dream warrior Steve Albini (last Thursday I had a handful-of-hash-feuled Bryce dream in which Steve and James Iha killed David Yow with a skateboard outside of the Double Door.):

ThePoster Children - "Wanna" (I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm not completely up to speed on the availability of the PC catalog, but Flower Plower appears to be OOP. Half it. UPDATE: it was re-issued in 2000 and is available on the iTunes.)

In an effort to avoid triggering a new conflict and notesfiles venom, I won't report all of the disturbing details of what I heard on the last Let's Active podcast. Let's just say that Mitch Easter was going OFF on Tom and the the Best Show listeners, who he said were "a bunch of red-state soccer mommies." During his rant, Gene Holder from The dB's called in and said he found Tom to be "jejune".

Let's Active - "Every Word Means No" ( Click here to buy Cypress/Afoot from Insound.)

AMG on "Every Word Means No":

The lyrics1 are mostly unremarkable, except for the middle eight, in which Easter is smart enough to correctly use the word "anathema"[sic]2 and cool enough to deliberately mispronounce it ("anaTHEEMa") because the proper pronunciation wouldn't fit the meter of the song.

1If you're in the mood for some remarkable lyrics, cart up some Bob Dylban. I recommend his punk record, Blonde on Blonde. If you don't have any Dylban, try this platter of heady craftmanship.

2Since this show, I consulted the OED, and the correct spelling is "tAnapthammmah".

- Comedian Akiva Smirnoff calls (starts at 2:12) from a stand-up tour stop in Connecticut to lighten the mood after the Rick & Rose intensity and report on the progress of Red Son, his new one-man show. The Good News: he's had two stellar performances; The Bad News: his uncle Yakov found out about it and is not pleased about Akiva using artistic license to claim to be his son. Yakov is also jealous of Akiva's relationship with one of his ex-girlfriends, who is nearly 25 years Akiva's senior. Akiva says that he has no vendetta against his uncle and that Linda is simply an awesome and mellow girl.

Akiva says that Linda is listening to the show from the Williamsburg loft (surprise, surprise) they share with the members of The Go-Go Banchees (go see them if you're ever in the city). Akiva and Linda try not to talk about the Yakov situation because it's creepy, but it is discussed in the bedroom (yuck).

Linda has taught Yakov a lot and tells great stories about her comedian groupie days in the 1980s, including tales about about Gilbert Gottfried and that guy that used to do that thing on SNL. She d-a-t-e-d around quite a bit then, but eased out of the life in the 1990s and came out of this dark period as a great girl..

Akiva asks Tom if he can address Linda during the call and assures Tom that it is much more than a simple shoutout:

"Linda, I love you. I mean, you helped me through the hard times with my family and I've helped you through the heroin addiction, and I want to know if you'll marry me."

Tom is puzzled by the proposal, especially after Akiva reveals that courtship was only a month long and comprised of "fooling around". Tom advised against it and hopes that Linda declines; Akiva is proud that he did what his uncle was never brave enough to do -- pop the question -- and can't wait to see the look on Uncle Yakov's face when he kisses Linda at his beachside ceremony.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: We hear a few more tracks from Let's Add More Cheese: Sonic Appetyzers from the T.G.I.Friday's Underground (Rhino Handmade), Gordon gets Tom's opinion on roasted cashews and Sammy Maudlin, and Tom re-establishes the show as the best program on WFMU by breaking away ...

Tom Scharpling & Kelly Clarkson - "Breakaway"


Nice technical difficulties recreation. Put some hep "electronica" under that and you've got your own incredibly strong TBSOWFMU Theme Song Coldcutian Contest entrant.

That said, it'd be hard to pull me away from the ThemeWeavers, LCC. It randomly pops into my head all the time these days.

I say this with a kind heart, but it's kind of weird how in your recaps you start to sound a little bit like Tom.

I'm reading along just fine and then I wonder if you're transcribing something but you're not and it just scans weird. Like your summary of the Rick vs. Tom debate, I think, falls inside this category.

You should work on creating a specific voice for these recaps otherwise it kinda just sounds like you're ripping off the fantastic, bombastic panegyric stylings of Mr. Scharpling.

Anyway, keep up the good work.

Omar is his own man. And it may help you to know he's a man with a falsetto voice, a stutter and a mild lisp. Read it with those affectations and I'm sure you'll come to a different conclusion.

Warm regards,
Dr. Red Duke
(seriously though, i ripped off someone else's name for god's sake and no one's giving me editorial style notes.)

Dr. Red Duke,

Yeah, just a minor editorial style note or two for you: perhaps another line break before the closing parenthetical would have been in order? Maybe CAPSing the "seriously" starter? Perhaps setting the whole thing off in italics?

with a warm, kind, freshly removed heart,
x amount.

X amount,

See, I was going to do it that way. But then I thought, "Now that's just how Tom Scharpling would do it." So I figured I'd play it safe and try to avoid any such territory. Now with your comment, I'm just conflicted. I feel the best path now may be to stop contributing to any dialogue anywhere in order to avoid being thought of as lacking originality.

So be it. Goodbye cruel cyberworld. Your cup runneth over.


Dr. {insert unoriginal name here}


Please stop jacking Tom's stylee. It's a total amateur hour, bush-league, FILTH move.


Uncle Udo

p.s. -- eat your greens, son!


Our resident sports expert Dr. {insert unoriginal name here} has informed me that the term you are looking for is "busch league," which is the racing circuit a rung down from Nascar.

Good day,

"Flower PLower." there are two L's in there. Albini didn't even notice until like 5 years later, he called us up and said "Wow! I just noticed the extra L!"


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