« Quietly. | Main | Oh, that heavenly bacon. #004: »

Knights in Shinin' Ahma.

"As long as someone's getting decapitated, I'm a happy camper." -- Spike
"See you in my dreams, I hope you don't get iced!" -- Bryce
"That ain't not no funny to no one else neither" -- Marky Ramone, taking Tom to school with Erasmus High's quintuple negative motto

[TBSOWFMU - 1/31/06 / Podcast / Theme Songs .MP3'd.]

Towards the end of this show, there was some chatter about members of the rock group Poster Children doing some Tom trashing (he was there) on a recent podcast. Turned out to be a bit of a false alarm.

Here's a Two for Tuesday featuring tracks from Poster Children's 1995 album Junior Citizen. The second track is an ode to this guy.

Poster Children - "Junior Citizen"
Poster Children - "He's My Star"

Before getting to the recap proper, here's a song dedicated to George W. Bush -- Spike's shift supervisor and the coolest President ever!

Black Sabbath - "Supernaut"

Annotated highlights:

- Spike delivers (starts 22:48) a revealing and star-making call, somehow managing to seem more endearing while discussing severed heads. I'm beginning to think that there's definitely a method to Spike's madness, the weekly tidbits as strategically-released pieces of a larger existential puzzle. Could it be a ruse? Recidivism previously speculated that Bea Arthur was the woman behind the curtain (and zippered mask), but who knows. Fast forward to a year from now, Tom's chatting with Spike about Michael Moore's Sicko, QT and Robert Rodriguez's Grind, and tofu recipes. Mike the Courageous Call Screener rushes into the studio to tell him that the call is coming from inside WFMU. Officer Tom is called into duty and eventually finds an intern working a voice modulator while hiding beneath a rubble of press kits and promos .

So anyway, what did we learn this week?

1. Recently celebrated his birthday (1/30) and claims to be 41 (nine years away from moving from the treatment center to the nursing home). Tom is thinking more like 55.

2. He doesn't do rehab -- only "common people" go to clinics.

3. He enjoys documentaries (LOL explosion from me when he cited Super Size Me as his most recent theatrical screening. Choice Tom quip: "It's not a command.") and "really digs" horror films, especially those featuring decapitations. His comments focused on franchise slashers, so I'd love to get his take on the Italian Giallos and J-horror. Not a fan of Jenny from the Bedroom and Tom Cruise vehicles.

4. He listens to the Best Show for intellectual stimulation (sometimes), the music, and the interesting stable of callers: Officer Tom, MC Steinberg, Vinny from Howard Beach, and Cookie Louise.

5. Spike tries to deny his "Sexy Sadie" calls, suggesting that there is a doppelganger who is using the original Spike template to call shows on WBAI and Sirius (either the real or cloned Spike should call Punk Rock Blitzkreig).

6. Spike unveils his new nickname for Tom: Babe.

7. Proposes an interesting theory for the 2004 election results: Kerry's defeat may not have been a result of his wishy-washy Iraq policy, a lack of soccer mom appeal, or the base-shakin' Rove rave-ups -- dude just needed some dithipline.

8. Spike has never killed anyone.

Tom dubs Spike a throwback for his disdain for sports talk radio*, his much-voiced disgust with the trappings of suburbia, and penchant for Chuck Berry records and assorted other old-timey thingamajigs. Spike could easily be a Daniel Clowes character, landing in the panels of a future issue of Eightball: cubicled Gubmint worker by day, retreating at night to his sparse apartment (the minimalist decor consisting of an autographed picture of Lynn Samuels and a lone bobblehead doll), hungry enough to chew the crotch out of a rag doll and promptly wolfing down a butterscotch-drenched six-pack of egg rolls while viewing a Faces of Death marathon, meticulously hand washing his sole dish/knife/fork to the sounds of his mint-condition 78s playing on an antique phonograph, then frantically fiddling with his transistor radio so he can tune in the Best Show transmission as he waits for his next client to whip into tip-top shape. Tom suggested sending The Bone Collector to further investigage Spike and snap a picture, but I think these little sleuths would be more effective.

*Spike claims that he "doesn't do jock radio", but that's false. A few days ago, I heard him call WFAN: "Heeeeelllllooooo, Dawg. You know what Kobe Bryant needs? Dithipline!" He went on to ask Mike Francesa if he knew whether Debbie the Dominatrix would be suiting up for the Steelers in the Super Bowl.

Spike teases that there's "more to come". Bring it! Tom's hooked!

And mark your calendars for...


Spike's Sick & Twisted Film Festival

Date: 10/31/06

Time: 7 p.m. - You're all dithiplined by fine cinema

Cost: FREE as long as you come dressed as your favorite slasher. (25+ / NO SURBURBANITES)

Directions: mapquest_spike.jpg

Limited Seating: 12 orange crates, one crusty ottomon, and two "torture pedestals"

Food: Spike's signature chicken and stuffing wrapped in gluten-free pancakes; grapefruit w/ chlorine-free Splenda for dessert

Beverages: Shots of Rainbow Elixir

RSVP by 10/1/06: spike_be_goode @ gmail.com

Film Lineup (subject to change):

Se7en (1995, David Fincher)
Ichi the Killer (2001, Takashi Miike)
Maitresse (1973, Barbet Schroeder)
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988, Dwight H. Little)
Les cousins dangereux (2003, Jean-Pierre Eustache)
Re-Animator (1986, Stuart Gordon)
Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987, Sam Raimi)
Dead-Alive (1992, Peter Jackson)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994, Kim Henkel)
George A. Romero's Land of the Dead (Unrated Director's Cut) (2005, George A. Romero)
Eight Heads in a Duffel Bag (1997, Tom Schulman)


Rock 'N' Roll High School 3 (2006, Marky Ramone) [Rough footage of Marky slipping out the back entrance of the Erasmus High gymnasium and promptly slicing off the head of a mutant serial killer (Donald Most) with a coated ambassador drum head.]

JUST ADDED: The Toolbelt Killer (2006, Trent L. Strauss) [Post-screening Q&A with the director, followed by Doo-Wop karaoke in Spike's dungeon. All festival attendees will get a Lowe's apron autographed by Mr. Strauss.]

Additional sponsors:
gluten_free_pantry.gif purple_passion.jpg (TIFW*)
*Textually Iffy For Work

- A newly-ritzy Bryce calls (starts 47:08) and is glad that the heavy political talk had shifted into films. Bryce's move to the more luxurious confines of the above-the-aquarium section of Upper Newbridge is a result of a massive settlement ($120k) after his neighbor's strong pet lion bit his hand off. All things considered, Bryce is in good (self-medicated) spirits, though a bit confused. He erroneously assumes that the Academy Award nominations were for all-time films and offers Jack Lemmon as Best Actor for his non-work in Network. He also thinks he knows Transamerica's (a loose Spike bio-pic) Felicity Huffman from Lost. Bryce admits that he's not that up on 2005 films (as far as he can remember), but does offer his Best Picture nominees:

The Longest Yard
The Tomorrow Show: Punk & New Wave DVD
Freaky Stuff From His Homicidal, Celluloid Dreams

Bryce wonders if Tom is s hitting him about the lack of nominations for The Longest Yard (Sandler, Rock, Rob Schneider for the MTV Movie Awards category Best Cameo) and expresses an interest in technical categories like Best Dolly Grip. Bryce and Tom do find some common ground on Munich (total buzzkill) and the disappointing recent output from Albert Brooks (Bryce cites The Muse as being particularly weak).

Ultimately, Bryce bores Tom with a list of GBV songs not played during Robert Pollard's 1/28/06 show in D.C. and has to abort the call due to imminent passing out. Maybe Bryce can fire up some of that high-end, Roger Whitaker Widowski weed (share some with the bowing peasants!) and listen to these tunes:

Guided By Voices - "Navigating Flood Regions"

Lightning Bolt - "Assassins"

Richard Thompson - "Main Title Theme (Grizzly Man)"

- Tom struggles to successfully cue up (starts at 1:01) the State of the Union address and a Kelley Stoltz tune, taking detours through Jessie's bat mitzvah, faulty C-SPAN video, According to Jim, Rodney, a Clairol commercial, Chuck Berry, IM door slams, and Asia's "Heat of the Moment".

- Garrett the Absolute Punk calls (starts at 1:29) to point Tom to his Myspace defacement and threaten to melt him. About an hour later, he calls again to criticize the high-school-grade show and reiterate (excuse the profanity) his intentions to liquify its host. GtAP does manage to score with his quip of "you" in response to Tom wondering about the best term for the opposite of cool.

Wicked Witch of the West - "I'm Melting"

Wicked witches won in 2005. Good witches win in 2006.

- Ricky from Marky Ramone Records and Filmworks calls (starts at 1:29) and transfers Marky to Tom. Marky starts by giving Tom a rundown of his offices: 37 Marky-aping employees with requisite haircuts, a couple of studios, and draftin' tables for architectural projects such as NYC buildings that look like drum sticks. Prior to the Big News, Marky reveals his new venture -- a monthly, literary mash-up of history and sex called "Erotic Knights".

The spark of inspiration occured during a stop in Pittsburgh on the Ramones' 1995 tour: Marky was roaming the comics department of a local bookstore and became enraptured by the corseted cover girl of Judith McNaught's A Kingdom of Dreams. He got addicted to the story and was teased by fellow Ramones. (CliffsNotes plot summary: The rugged Duke of Claymore longs for acceptance as a common man and not just a Warrior Legend and becomes entangled with a chick named Jennifer, who thinks she might vomit at the sight of his numerous battle scahs, but she's sorta excited and kisses them.) In addition to the McNaught, Marky also drew inspiration from other canonical genre staples: Linda Howard's Mr. Perfect, Julia Quinn's The Duke and I and The Viscount Who Loved Me, Mary Jo Putney's Thunder and Roses, and Nora Roberts's Chesapeake Blue.

The first release in the "Erotic Knights" series is Lady Wainsworth's Desires (Scribner's, 2.16.06). Here's the general story:

During the Revolutionary War, a young woman (Lady Wainsworth) married General Rupert Wainsworth, a high-ranking British general stationed in Massachussetts, who showers her with all the accoutrements a lady in her position deserves. However, Lady Wainsworth wants Rupert's undivided attention, but he's so caught up in defeatin' Israel Putnam and the Colonial fawces that he can't think about his wife and makin' love. As a result, Lady Wainsworth's eye wanders and she sets her intentions on other people, namely this peasant stable boy who takes care of the Wainsworth horses: Marcus.

Marky read an excerpt from Lady Wainsworth's Desires for the Best Show readers. Tom thought it was yucky and derivative. Marky thought it was "heavily erotic". I think it's certainly not my Mom's erotic fiction and, to be honest, kinda titillatin'. Whadda youse think?:

Lady Wainsworth watched with great sadness as her husband mounted his steed and rode out of sight. Rupert was bound for a secret conclave with his Brtish Army compatriots, General Thomas Gauge and General Sir William Howe, to decide how best to handle potential Colonists uprisings. It had been so long since Lady Wainsworth had felt her once-attentive lover's touch that she could not be blamed for noticing the muscular, glistening upper torso of the 19-year-old stable boy, Marcus, as he carried an oversized bag of feed to the awaiting horses. Back at the house, Lady Wainsworth tried her best to busy herself planning what to wear to Gen. Gauge's gala/costume ball, but she soon found that she could not banish the image of Marcus's rippling chest and powerful biceps from her tormented mind.
"My dearest Lord," Lady Wainsworth asked as she fell to the floor, "Why do you tempt me so with this gorgeous creation of yours? I am weak, and I know not if I can resist the tempation to partake of your wondrous bounty."
Unable to contain her passions, Lady Wainsworth soon found herself making the familiar walk down to the stable. The irony of the situation was not lost on Lady Wainsworth. This time a quarry at the stable would be a stallion of another kind -- a man stallion. One who could make her feel like a woman again, not a possession on the arm of a powerful general. When she reached the stable, Lady Wainsworth stopped and pressed an ear against its rough, weathered door. She could hear young Marcus grunting deeply as he bailed hay inside.
Lady Wainsworth pushed open the heavy stable door. The first thing she noticed was how incredibly hot it was inside. Second thing she noticed was Marcus's shimmering, strapping, powerful back. She gazed in wonder as the muscles ripped each time he impaled a mound of hay with his iron pitchfork. Lady Wainsworth walked slowly towards Marcus, who had not heard her enter the barn. As she entered, and neared him, Lady Wainsworth tried her best to avoid the pungent wave of body odor that emanated from Marcus every time he flung one of the bails of hay from his pitchfork. Now just inches away, Lady Wainsworth breathed deeply and placed her soft, delicate hands on Marcus's rugged shoulders. Startled, Marcus quickly turned to face the intruder. Confusion registered on Marcus's cherubic face as he looked in Lady Wainsworth's longing eyes.
"I'm sorry, my lady," said Marcus. "I didn't know you were desirous of a ride today. I shall fetch your usual steed."
Just then Lady Wainsworth grabbed Marcus's massive arm, stopping him in his tracks.
"I am desirous of a ride," she sighed. "But not from Buttercup."
With that, Lady Wainsworth pressed her lips against Marcus's. Marcus pulled away, his confusion growing deeper.
"But Lady Wainsworth, you are a noble woman, and I am a lowly stable boy," said Marcus. "And what if the general discovers us?"
"My husband is not due to return until it's morn," said Lady Wainsworth as she unbuttoned her blouse, revealing her heaving, ample bosom. "Come partake of my fruit basket."

Marky reveals a bit more of the plot: Lady Wainsworth meets some guys en route to Philadelphia and becomes a Colonial spy, revealing her husband's secret battle plans. She also has these kinda dalliances with the key players: John Paul Jones, Paul Revere, Ben Franklin -- even a same-sex fling. Expect a lot of double entendres involving drum stick girth.

Also in the works: Flying Brothel, a book about Charles Lindbergh's notoriously erotic trip to France in a new, hooker-laden flying machine called "The Spirit of '76" and The Whig Party starring General Zachary Galifianakisworth.

Marky also discussed the hardest pot of the life of the mind, which is comin' up with new ways of describin' the erotic content. In the Wainsworth excerpt, he displayed his skill by using "fruit basket" to describe Lady W's ample bosom. Marky offers some creative alternatives that are sure to pop up in future "Erotic Knights" novels: lovelies, mammies, rosebuds, and meat bags.

Former Ramones drummer Clem Burke followed Marky's literary lead, but Marky dismissed his work as hamfisted and marred by obviously autobiographical lead characters. Burke's debut romance novel, Heart of Glass, is a Civil War-era tale of Mary Todd Lincoln's erotic encounters with a southern rebel drummer named Clement T. Burkhauser III.

Marky tires of the book chatter, and quickly shifts to the BIG NEWS.

Precursor to Big News: Marky will sign copies of Lady Wainsworth's Desires at Tom's non-existent table at the WFMU Record Fair in November.

Let's take a breather before recapping the real Big News (adjust your sound levels to a respectful 10 dbs less than Marky):






Big News: Tom steals Marky's thunder and ruins the surprise by predicting that the news was the reformation of The Ramones. He was right.

The new, real Ramones lineup:

Marky Ramone - definitive drummer
Richie Ramone - drummer
Tommy Ramone - drummer
C.J. Ramone - bass/occasional drummer

The extremely percussive sets will be comprised of every Ramones song without vocals or guitar out of respect for the dead.

Details for the "Explosion of Horror" tour remain sketchy, although there is talk of a gig at a 322-capacity VFW hall in Pennsylvania on 3/17/06 (tickets currently $85). Marky gives Tom first dibs on a live remote and pre-show interview for a fee of $168,340 so the band can wipe out their debt and knock tickets prices down to a more kid-friendly $65. Marky is reluctant to offer the same deal to Howard Stern because Stern is mad at him for planting the botox/plastic surgery story in the media.

Rumors are circulating that the St. Patrick's day tour opener may be postponed or replaced with a more intimate in-store.

Marky unleashes the mathematical Erasmus High motto and is not thrilled with Tom's square renditions, coming off like a Foreigner fan and this guy instead of a Ramones fan and this guy. Increasingly annoyed by Tom's attitude about the Ramones tour, Marky forces him to recite the mantra "I, Tom Scharpling, am not a huge rock star like you, Marky Ramone" and threatens to flood Tom with punches and attack his neck with a bass guitar and his signature Pro-Mark drum sticks.

After discussing Ramones ephemera with some fans, Marky brings the show back to politics by weighing in on the Alioto Supreme Court confirmation. He finds it positive in some ways and bittersweet in other ways. Given a chance, the new Justice could maybe sorta like turn the corner and absorb both conservative ideas and liberal stuff and bring the best of both worlds to things. He compares the scenario to having to plow ahead in recording Mondo Bizarro even though Ed Stasium was not his first choice for producer.


- Gordon from South Dakota dishes out some Love/Hate queries for Tom (starts at 2:44):

1. Good guys: LOVE
2. Bad guys: HATE
3. The beach: LOVE
4. Cream soda: LOVE
5. Plain yogurt: LOVE
6. Loud motorcycles: HATE
7. Relix magazine: HATE
8. Kenneth Lay: HATE
9. Chevrolet Laguna: LOVE (them)
10. Payola: HATE

Gordon believes that Tom's response to #10 lacks a certain truthiness and asks the question again to give Tom a chance to come clean. Gordon cites Tom's frequent spins of Volcano Suns, DC Snipers, and The New PORNOgraphers (a band that would be floating in the terlet sans Tom's bribed support) as obvious evidence that he's in cahoots with his Matador, Merge, and Touch & Go friends. Indie payola exists. Gig's up!

The Smoking Gun's investigation is underway and they've provided a partial list of the labels that Tom received "pay for play" cash money from: Matador, Southern Lord, Homestead, SST, Suburbanal Cuts, Off, Dirtnap, Scat, Fading Captain, Twin/Tone, In The Red, Sub Pop, Cass, Ace of Hearts, Wax Trax, Dischord, Deadbeat, Bang Bang, Quarterstick, Touch & Go, Merge, Latino Bugger Veil, Grass, Minty Fresh, Rykodisc, Yep Roc, Koch, C/Z, Forced Exposure, Rockathon, Asthmatic Kitty (this explains playing nearly half of a SoupJam record he only liked one song on!), Cruz, Cleopatra, Sympathy For The Record Industry, Mint, Cargo, Paw Tracks, Caroline, Ipecac, Barsuk, Polyvinyl, French Kiss, Century Media, Popllama, Frontier, Kill Rock Stars, K, Gern Blandstern, TVT, Trance Syndicate, Simple Machines, Nuclear Blast, Taang!, Lookout!, Rhino, Star Time International, Bar/None, Metal Blade, Jade Tree, Ascension, Shout Factory!, Stereolaffs, Chainsaw, Amphetamine Reptile, Drag City, Bomp, Thrill Jockey, Repertoire, Ardent, Load, Dark Beloved Cloud, Flying Nun, Hippy Knight, Skyclad, Thwart Productions, and Panzerfaust.

On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: A few callers try to "de-de-de-de-de-dah" Tom and are reduced to puddles of goo by The Oracle No. 1's spell, a discussion of AmRep's invention of the electric guitar, Tom tells a harrowing tale of barely escaping a pimp stompdown while shopping a Von Scharpling demo in Memphis over the weekend, and the good guys hit a fadeaway, 18-foot jumper at the buzzer to improve their record to 6-0 in 2006.

REMINDER FOR TOMMERT, BEST SHOW VOICE OF SANITY: Call early so Tom can talk about how he got into radio (per Bryce, it certainly wasn't radio school!).

Oh, I almost forgot:

Helium - "Superball"

Thanks for the check and the Hummer, Nils! I'll be sure to get some NPs up here next week.


A music note or two: having only heard the Beatles-y Kelley Stoltz track (“The Sun Comes Through”) prior to this Best Show, I have to admit that I wasn’t even sure if Tom’s cueing struggles were completely resolved once he finally starting playing “Ever Thought of Coming Back.” I was all, “Is this it? For real? Or is this just another false start/fake-out? Cause man, this is the BEACH BOYS.” And then I was all, “Who cares who this is, I sure hope he calls it out at the end – I could use another good Beach Boys-y thing.”

And as much as I love the fact that they’re podcasting now, it’s gonna have to remain a backup option in case my complicated live audio hijacking fails. I need the music! Tom’s scoring a Wes Anderson flick each and every week!

Post a comment

If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved by the site owner before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.