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Another UK Office of sorts. The first episode starts out kind of slow, but it picks up quickly enough [and also allowing that you give yourself over to the certain Britishness of it all].
The IT Crowd [plus orphaned episode #5]
I'm sure everyone has seen this already and I'm the last to laugh at it. But I'm posting it anyway.
It's about creative control for x-amount. This is what I have to go through to sell a concept on this two bit broadcast. Anyway, despite the drama, I think we're all on board and I've got my plane tickets. DRD in the NYC! Watch out, windy city!
"I am so relieved to hear your voice." -- Tom on the return of his buddy.
"I'm going to sell your family to the quarry."-- Craig Cooper on dealing Scharplings.
"Yeahgirl!" -- Angie, starring in her own episode of Montclair 07042.
[TBSOWFMU - 2/21/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / FOT]
**Donate tonight during The Best Show and get The Good Guys Win and The Bad Guys Die in 2006 Fun Kit!**
Speaking of cash, I owe Recidivism's own x amount $50 for a Bands on the Run bet I lost. Thanks a lot, Harlow! I was counting on a bit less Harlotting and a lot more merch moving. Anyway, I'm finally ready to pay up, and I think it's appropriate to do so with $85 worth of rock 'n roll music. Keep the change, x.
[Future game idea: Build A Bands on the Run 2. I'll start it off: Ponce De Leon, Von Scharpling, Smoosh, The Oscar Ryan Band, and Josh Dodes -- dude deserves another shot!]
Flickerstick - "Chloroform (The One You Love)" [Live]
Portastatic - "The Soft Rewind"
The Hold Steady - "Banging Camp"
Mr. Robert Pollard - "Maggie Turns To Flies"
The National - "Mr. November"
Bonus track for accrued interest: The Little Killers - "Jenna Lee"
So anyway, hello America! El Goodo's back and he's charmingly referring to himself in the third person, which means it's time for a little .... Hey! Ho! Annotated highlights of The Best Show:
- Spike's back (starts at 18:00) and order is restored to the Best Show world -- the young old man's Bea Arthur "Heeeeelllllooooo, Tom" was improbably calming. After his lozenge-marred 2/7 call and last week's silence, this was a great comeback for Spike, recapturing the magic he displayed on 1/31 by throwing down some impressive musical knowledge. Tom was so dazzled that he forgot to play the Maude theme!
Before continuing, please update your Spike Doesn't Do spreadsheet with P Dimwit, Enema, Seance from Destiny's Child, orange crates, second-hand merchandise, and fake holidays like Valentine's Day.
Spike reveals that he plays music in his dungeon, but not rock and roll. He is, however, able to tolerate some of Tom's opening sets -- it's not the quality level of a Frankie Lymon and The Teenagers deep cut, but he can live with it. I think The Dirtbombs should try to get a Spike pull-quote for their Myspace page:
"I can tolerate this music while I'm on hold with The Best Show on WFMU." -- Spike, Queens-based dominatrix extraordinaire.
In general, Spike is either not familiar with or does not like any contemporary artists, including the hip-hop for people who don't like hip-hop done by black people of Matisyahu. He's never even heard MC Steinberg perform (Spike missed the Ted Leo vs. MC Steinberg battle rap? Does he just GOMP the show after he hangs up?). Tom thinks there might be potential for Steinberg and Spike to engage in a cross-genre learning experience with Spike teaching him about doo-wop and MC schooling Spike in the ways of contemporary hip-hop. Prediction: Spike doesn't do MC Steinberg due to an excessively "suburban flow".
One thing Spike most definitely does do is Doo-Wop, whose purveyors are exempt from dithipline because they have talent. Spike nails Tom's quiz on the two living members of The Teenagers (Jimmy Merchant and Herman Santiago), prompting him to declare that he is quite learned when it comes to quality music and film.
As for cinema, Spike was previously content with the Big 4 franchise slashers and decapitations, but he branched out a bit by declaring grittier 1970s revenge pictures I Spit On Your Grave and Last House on the Left classics, unlike Jenny from the Bedroom's much-maligned Giggly. Tom inquires about Out of Sight and Spike wants none of it, preferring to spend his time listening to rare The Orioles b-sides or Fool's Paradise ... with Rex. In fact, Spike spent Valentine's Day the only way he knows how: peacefully sitting on the couch in his basement apartment, presumably listening to his antique phonograph and watching Dario Argento's Suspiria.
Spike cites The Flamingos and Dino and The Belmonts as his ultimate Doo-Wop groups, and Tom notes that the mental imagery of Spike listening to this music creates a Blue Velvet vibe. I imagine Spike spinning some Johnny Maestro and The Brooklyn Bridge while chugging Pabst! Blue! Ribbon!, taking a break mid-flog to inhale some unspecified gas, and then declaring: "I'll dithipline anything that moves!" Spike doesn't have anything to offer on the film, but does mention that The Clovers had a hit with "Blue Velvet" prior to Bobby Vinton.
Late in his call, Spike got some bad news. Tom read a wire report about the sudden death of The Teenagers' Jimmy Merchant. Merchant, a Best Show enthusiast (I saw him in the Bronx a few months ago wearing this shirt), died of embarassment at 8:31 p.m. on Tuesday, February 21st when he found out that Spike knew who he was.
Spike confirms that he will be pledging during The Best Show for the WFMU marathon, and Tom bans him from hanging his premium autographed picture in his dungeon to avoid being a topic of conversation during one of Spike's Jimmy Preston-soundtracked sessions. Don't worry about Spike forgetting to call since he already has it marked on his desk blotter calendar.
**EXCLUSIVE**: I hired some recidivists to break into Spike's office and acquire this calendar, so here is a month in Spike's world: Febuary 2006
In honor of the Best Show's resident expert, here's an a load of Doo-Wop and a lone rocker:
Bobby Vinton - "Blue Velvet"
The Clovers - "Love Potion #9"
Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers - "The ABC's Of Love" & "I Want You To Be My Girl"
The Flamingos - "I Only Have Eyes For You"
Dion and The Belmonts - "A Teenager In Love"
The Dirtbombs - "Ode To A Black Man"
- Actor, musician, and shock jock Oscar Platt calls (starts at 32:46) to discuss his folk-rock duo The Oscar Ryan Band and revive the theory that Courtney Love murdered Kurt Cobain. The conversation quickly shifts to discussion of the physical appearance of young Oscar and Tom. Tom speculates that Oscar is a fatter version of Oliver Platt with flagrant acne. Oscar also admits to having a really disgusting belly button.
Oscar believes that Tom has a unibrow and ketchup in his nose (wrong, it's barbecue sauce), and he guesses Tom's height at 5' 6". Tom's a mere 5' 1", so the 5' 3", 120-lb. Oscar towers over him in addition to his fellow sixth graders. Oscar tries a series of escalating guesses of Tom's weight before Tom reveals that he's currently tipping the scales at 392.
Oscar says he's a fan of Spike, and Tom suggests that Spike could join his band. Oscar is understandably leery of having band rehearsals in Spike's dungeon as Tom paints a scenario where the door is bolted shut, forcing Oscar to make peace with his maker and tippy-toe into the pit to meet his demise.
Kurt Cobain - "Ain't It A Shame" (Leadbelly Cover)
- Eazy Ezekial calls (starts at 40:06) from Fake Accent Land, USA, to get Tom's advice on D.C.-based metrosayshuls. Tom put him on a bullet train back to Gompville. Great moment: Tom asks Mike the Courageous Call Screener what Ezekial sounded like when he called and Mike said it was pretty much the voice he used on the air. Rumors suggesting that Ezekial may be some kind of relation to Zeph Marshack are still unconfirmed.
- The theme song contest (starts at 42:50) got as hot as a pistol with four intriguing entries:
1. "Final" - The first of Father of Petey's Two for Tuesday, which was nearly the final tune Tom ever heard as its premature crash-start bestilled Tom's heart and nearly caused cardiac arrest (devotees know that Tom will eventually go out via Stevie Blue and not mere sonic sabotage from the Petey clan.)
In the FOT chat, "FrGreedo" noted that this track had a Wesley Willis feel. Rock Over Newbridge, Rock On Manayunk. This is not my father's Radio Hut!
2. "The Scary Theme" - Father of Petey spookfest, which makes Tom whisper directives for Petey to flee his home.
3. Yet Another Listener Chris delivered the gloriously simple "Marky and Tom's Best Show Theme Punk Rock Singalong" -- the musical economy of Marky's "Hey Ho" mashed with Tom's "Best Show" was very effective.
4. Shock the Claw featuring MC John Junk, Dave, and Christina the Yes Fan delivered a loosey-goosey, funtimes masterpiece. I don't like it. I LOVE it! I'm giving it a slight edge over The Themeweavers. Like that track, it works as legit theme song (especially in the abridged form Tom mentioned) and rocks. Prediction: this will be heard every Tuesday starting in a month.
- Tom plays (birthed at 69:08, continues throughout) the "Build A Movie Game" – one person suggests three people (at least one should be a professional actor) and someone (in this case, mostly Tom) has to come up with a quick plot for a movie that would star the given trio. This easy and fun game was nearly de-commissioned due to lack of interest, but field correspondent MC Teddy T saved the day.
Here is a summary of all of the proposed casts and resultant films that were mentioned throughout the show:
Ted Leo’s Days of Deceit
Starring: Michael Madsen, Sam Waterson, and Rosie Perez
A heavy drama about a single dad of a young daughter/hit man (Madsen) wants to get out of the game, but his boss (Waterson) at the hit man agency got Sam playing his boss at the agency doesn’t want him to leave since he’s the best they have. His boss convinces him to take on one final hit and hands him an envelope containing his target. He tears open the envelope to reveal a picture of the woman he’s been dating (Perez) wearing a robe.
Soundtrack will be done by The Polyphonic Spree’s Tim DeLaughter and his 49 minions. Tom suggests an alternate storyline in which Madsen discovers that he has 80 illegitimate kids and Waterson is the executor of his estate. Madsen has to infiltrate the Spree by posing as a member, blending in and trying to sing their songs to get to Rosie Perez. SoupJam Stevens will write an exclusive banjo ditty about the California goldrush for the project. At some point, the Spree collective may commit mass suicide in a bunker.
Ted envisioned a lighter, goofy romp in which Madsen was chasing after Rosie, but intrigued by Tom as drama and a challenge for the actors. Ted is going to continue developing the story.
The call also yielded Man of the House 2 with Sam Elliot, Tommy Lee Jones, and Zeph Marshack. Poster Children will do the music, which will be supervised by Zeph, taking over for an alleged prevert, who was forced to leave the project after getting arrested.
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Misdiagnosis Murder (released as RoboCop 5 in Europe/Japan)
James offered vintage Lucille Ball, Keanu Reeves, and Dick Cheney, opting to hear Tom’s premise off the air.
A police chief (Cheney) visits a doctor (Reeves), who erroneously gives him only 24 hours to live. The chief has one remaining case hanging over his head -- the murder of Lucille Ball. He only has 24 hours to solve the case that has been haunting him for his entire police career. As a result, he goes nuts and turns into RoboCop.
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Flawed Hero (aka Silent Seduction)
Scag Winesack wants Tom to come up with the three actors (“That’s how it works, isn’t it, Snapperhead?”), so Tom goes for Woody Harrelson, General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, and Kathy Griffin.
Scag inserts himself into the cast and offers this premise:
In the first five minutes of the film, Scag walks up to Schwarzkopf and hits him in the back of the head with a boat oar. Scag notes that it’s a good idea to get him out of the picture early since he’s too pricey for a larger role. Scag’s drinking on his boat with his bumbling sidekick (Harrelson) when a newspaper reporter (Griffin) approaches them. She seems innocent, and requests their help because she’s become the target of a local serial killer who she’s been writing about. The killer has been sending threats to the newspaper with pasted letters from magazines indicating that she’s NEXT. They get deeply involved in the mystery and Scag’s sidekick is murdered for getting too close to the reporter. The Big Twist at the end is the reveal that the reporter is the killer!
Tom thinks it has potential and Scag will beef up his backstory: despite a lack of any miltiary credentials, he was a hand-to-hand combat consultant during Desert Storm, which is where he met Schwarzkopf. Scag will double-cross him (see boat oar above) in front of his family because he stole his third wife. This will help to establish that he’s an alpha-male protagonist with some character flaws.
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Zip It: The Morton Downey Jr. Story
Listener Chris in Rhode Island lists Billy Crudup (a low-rent Vincent Gallo), Leelee Sobieski (Helen Hunt, Jr.) and Christopher McDonald (a selection that prompts a brief dispute about Happy Gilmore).
The story of Morton Downey, Jr. (McDonald) written by Charlie Kaufman. Sobieski plays herself and Helen Hunt, both auditioning for the role of Mort’s widow. McDonald plays himself and is trying to get inside Mort’s head. Crudup will play Mort’s conscience, serving up angel/devil life choices throughout. Crudup will also play himself in the form of McDonald’s best friend.
Kaufman will also direct and it will be bad.
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Rounders 2
Tanya Roberts, Elliot Gould, and Manute Bol
When not moderating meetings with her fan club, Tanya Roberts does radio spots for specials to lure couples to Las Vegas casinos for romatic weekends. This is the film adaptation of those advertisements:
A veteran construction worker (Gould) gives a new guy (Bol) a chance because he can reach very high without using a ladder. They hear a commercial for a $1million No-Limit Texas Hold ‘Em million poker championship. Bol is a poker master, but they don’t have the cash for the trip because they make Claude and Maude Punchclock wages. In order to go, they pose as a gay couple so they can go via one of the romantic getaway contests. They enter the tournament and Bol struts into the card room with sunglasses as George Thorogood’s “Bad to the Bone” blares on the soundtrack. (Choice sight gag: Bol's face is always above the frame when seated at the table.) They win the tournament, knocking out Phil Hellmuth at the final table. He yells at Bol for calling him with just a flush draw and curls up in the fetal position in the lobby.
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The One
Ann, a 12-year-old, force-fed Cary Grant fan, wants a comedy with Cary Grant, Jason Schwartzman, and Scarlett Johansson.
On a college campus, a bumbling nerd (Schwartzman) is in love with a girl (Johansson), who he admires from afar. He goes to see a relationship guru (Joe Mantegna), who hypnotizes him to make him think he’s cool when he hears a trigger word ("factory-wrapped douche"). Every time he is front of his crush, he will appear to her as the cool Cary Grant, who will play himself, while everyone else will see Schwartzman.
Ann says it’s a film she would watch, but that’s because her creepy father will force her to while her skin crawls. Tom recommends that the next time her father calls her in for a Charade screening, she should hide and do her homework twice. Ann didn't seem too enthused by the idea.
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The Gathering
Keith is interested in a fish-out-of-water comedy with Crispin Glover, George Wendt, and Mickey Rourke.
Tom sees it as Miss Congeniality meets Dungeons & Dragons.
An FBI agent (Rourke) is trying to infiltrate a cyber terror ring, so he goes undercover in the world of live-action role playing. This world is populated by costume-wearing gaming enthusiasts (led by Glover and Wendt). Crispin Glover’s character is a computer genius who can also KICK. The FBI agent wears a wizard’s costume to fit in with this crowd. Lots of opportunities for montages of silly costumes (I see Wendt dressed as Gimli). The sting ultimately gives Rourke much-needed insight into his non-macho son (Michael Cera).
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Husbands and Wives
Frederick called from Hollywood, so the pressure was on Tom to deliver with Paula Prentiss, Babs circa What's Up, Doc?, and Adrienne Barbeau.
Goofier, madcap version of 3 Women + How to Beat the High Co$t of Living: The gals are three wives whoser hubands all got pinch before they could pul off a bank heist. They didn't know each before, but now they are united via their incarcerated beaus. Since they each know a piece of the perfect crime, they team up to pull the heist themselves. At some point, Streisand will sing.
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Val's animated The Melancholy Moustache with Steve Buscemi, Spike, and Selleck's titular 'stache was GOMPed for being too derivative of Conan O'Brien's Selleck moustache bits.
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Angie in Montclair comes up with a mainsteam cast of Brangelina and Cuba Gooding, Jr. Tom goes the easy route with Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2, which disappoints Angie, who was hoping for a soft-core porn feature. Tom says nogirl! and GOMPs her.
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Union Rules
Scag returns to close out the game by matching himself up with Yaphet Kotto, Harvey Keitel, and Richard Pryor. The Blue Collar reunion won't last long, though, since Scag wants them all dead in the first five minutes of the film because they went up against the Teamsters.
They attempt to organize a strike, which prompts Scag to drive over them with dump truck (the easiest way to take out a picket line). The surviving workers will keep their mouths shut for the remainder of the film. Scag admits that it's not much of a movie, but it's a manifesto with a lot of truth.
Tom's rewrite:
Three Men and An Older Man
All three are successful businessmen who share an apartment. One morning, a fully-grown 62-year-old Scag Winesack emerges from a parcel left on their brownstone's steps with a note, seemingly from a mother or other concerned child care worker, asking to take care of him.
Scag is constantly whingeing and gains control over the residence. After about 90 minutes the three men realize that they had no reason to take him in and that Scag wrote the note himself.
Scag is not sold on Tom's idea of three men and wants a woman (Bev D'Angelo or Jo Beth Williams) in the mix so he has someone for an occasional "boink". Scag suggests that he could pose as Keitel's uncle asking for help from a family member. If Keitel refuses tot aid Scag, he will lose his inheritance or a finger. Scag also requests more graphic violence, adult language, and nudity. Scag has an idea that he could show up at a house with three Soldiers of Fortune to serve as a mentor. Scag shows up as a mentor and has a hard time getting the respect that he demands from the younger crew. He will proceed to beat the respect out of them.
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Finally, here's my entry:
Sparrow's Call
A Film By Omar
Genre: Bio-Pic / Science Fiction / Racial Tolerance
Rating: Very Hard R
Music: Matisyahu and Mark Mothersbaugh
Principal Trio: Andy Serkis + CGI, Christopher Plummer, and Ron Glass
Tagline: Crash in Newbridge.
The film will depict the tiny life and times of Timmy von Trimble (Serkis) from his first appearance in 1972 after his parents' anti-aging experiment went awry, through his formative years of being indoctrinated with hate by his father (Plummer), and up to the present where we start to see some rays of tolerance. Key scenes will include a violent altercation over the Blue Book value of a Camry with Gene Simmons (Oliver Platt) at Newbridge Toyota, getting fitted for boots by his mother (Marg Helgenberger), Timmy’s unsuccessful attempt to get Marvel to ink his MegaMan comic (Panzerfaust eventually releases a 6-issue run of the book in Europe), and some powerful scenes in which Timmy explodes with rage after the von Trimble housekeeper (Lupe Ontiveros) forgets to clean out the thimble in his dollhouse. Conchita later saves Timmy from a near drowning in his father’s snifter of Glenlivet, which causes Timmy to finally humanize her.
Here is a scene that will occur late in Act III:
Dr. von Trimble, clad in a fancily-tailored suit and lab coat, emerges from a Barnes & Noble holding a coffee and the new issue of Maxim. Timmy is wrapped in a miniature Confederate flag and nestled within his father’s jacket pocket. Dr. von Trimble gets a call on his cell phone.
[Brian DePalma-inspired split screen]
DR. VON TRIMBLE
Hello?
MRS. VON TRIMBLE
Hey. Did you drop Timmy off yet? Jo Jo just called me.
DR. VON TRIMBLE
Jesus Christ. I told him I’d be there in 30 minutes.
MRS. VON TRIMBLE
I know, I know. He just wants to make sure everything goes smoothly.
DR. VON TRIMBLE
He’s an idiot. Full of impressive hate, yes, but pretty dim.
MRS. VON TRIMBLE
Anyway, did you want me to transfer the new crop?
DR. VON TRIMBLE
Yes, I told you to put them in the new test tubes.
MRS. VON TRIMBLE
What new test tubes?
DR. VON TRIMBLE
Whaaaaaaaaaaat? Are you s hitting me? The new supply we got from Kern Pharmaceuticals.
MRS. VON TRIMBLE
I can’t find those.
DR. VON TRIMBLE
Gunther put them in the stockroom last night. I gotta run.
MRS. VON TRIMBLE
Are you going to get Timmy later?
DR. VON TRIMBLE
No, he can get a ride with Adolf.
MRS. VON TRIMBLE
Tell him I said good luck!
Dr. von Trimble gets into his car to drop Timmy off at a White Power rally/label showcase in Westbridge, but he is not aware that when he retrieved his cell phone, Timmy flew out and is not with him. While driving, Dr. von Trimble gets a call from White Reign guitarist Jo Jo Goebbels (Merle Allin).
[Also split screen]
DR. VON TRIMBLE
WHAT!
JO JO GOEBBELS
Mr. Von Trimble, it’s Jo Jo. Where’s Timmy?
DR. VON TRIMBLE
Jo Jo, I’m on my way.
JO JO GOEBBELS
Get your ass over here! This place is crawling with A&R guys.
DR. VON TRIMBLE
Don’t press me, son. I will smash you.
JO JO GOEBBELS
I will defecate in your incubator.
DR. VON TRIMBLE
If you do that again, I will stab you.
JO JO GOEBBELS
Ha ha! You always say that. Just get Timmy here. We just started soundcheck and this guy Heinrich said we sounded like mud.
DR. VON TRIMBLE
GET OFF MY PHONE!
Dr. von Trimble hangs up, has some trouble merging into a left-turn lane, and mutters some vile epithets about the ethnicity of a driver who cut him off.
CUT TO:
A sparrow flutters against a beautiful vista, tightly gripping Timmy’s tattered Nordic Avenger shirt. The bird quickly darts to the ground and releases him to crash against a curb. Timmy’s fall is partially broken by some cigarette butts, but he bumps his head against an overturned can of Colt 45. We are now in the ghetto of Southbridge.
A Black Man (Glass) is sitting on a nearby bench, reading a newspaper. He hears faint squeals of pain coming from the curb. He bends over and sees that it is a tiny man with a full beard who looks a bit like Robert Reed circa 1974. He carefully picks Timmy up and cradles him in his palm. Timmy is gradually regaining consciousness.
BLACK MAN
You ok, junior?
TIMMY VON TRIMBLE
(dazed and a bit startled)
I don’t know … where am I?
BLACK MAN
Southbridge, man. You fell out of the sky.
TIMMY VON TRIMBLE
Oh no … I’m supposed to be at a White P-, at a concert.
BLACK MAN
You a musician, son?
TIMMY VON TRIMBLE
No, silly. I’m the soundman and publicist for a band called White Reign. R-E-I-G-N.
BLACK MAN
Good Lord. You can work the sound board? How?
TIMMY VON TRIMBLE
I jump on it!
BLACK MAN
That's fantastic!
TIMMY VON TRIMBLE
Yeah. I slide down the levers. It’s a full workout.
BLACK MAN
(laughing)
I bet!
TIMMY VON TRIMBLE
You should come check it out some time. We’re opening for Bezerker at Dingbatz in Clifton next week.
BLACK MAN
I might just do that. Hey, I was about to head over to the bar, wanna join me?
TIMMY VON TRIMBLE
Um, oh, I don’t know …
BLACK MAN
Come on, one drink and then I’ll call you a cab so you can make the gig.
TIMMY VON TRIMBLE
If you have an eye-dropper, you've got a deal!
BLACK MAN
We can pick one up at the drug store on the way.
TIMMY VON TRIMBLE
Let's do this!
The BLACK MAN dusts TIMMY off and they start walking.
TIMMY VON TRIMBLE (cont.)
Have you ever had a Harlem Shuffle?
BLACK MAN
Harlem Shuffle? Whatchoo talkin’ bout, son?
TIMMY VON TRIMBLE
Oh, it’s great. It’s Smirnoff Ice with some coffee …
The conversation continues as the Black Man carries Timmy down the street.
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- Craig Cooper at Radio Hut over at the NC calls (starts at 1:41) to offer Tom a great new product that would make for a perfect giveaway for the WFMU Marathon. While Craig touts Radio Hut’s great service, wide selection, and understanding staff, Tom has had a much different experience at the store, though that will be ironed out later with some coupons.
Craig makes sure that Tom is strapped in and wearing a helmet (helmet not actually required) for the details of the new hutPod.
Craig believes the hutPod will revolutionize the personal stereo business and demolish the iPod and iRiver with its additional options and Radio Hut's unsurpassed digital audio technology that many say is the best sound they ever heard – even compared to stereo systems. The quality is billed as “light years” beyond the iPod. Tom is very intrigued.
The product was introduced at Radio Hut last December and flew off the shelves. Craig got a new shipment last week and has three hutPods to give away to Best Show listeners. Each hutPod comes with two, pre-loaded albums selected by Radio Hut. The three Craig is offering contain The Best of Meatloaf, Volume 3 (for fans of deeper Meat gems like “For Crying Out Loud”, “Heaven Can Wait”, and 3/4 of Dead Ringer) and Mother 13's High Dive. Tom notes that he once spoke to Mother 13 frontman Corey Harris on the air, and Craig says Tom should be honored to have spoken to him. Listeners will also get "Coop's Crunchers", a collection of Craig's personal favorites so people can get a taste of what he's all about. The diverse collection includes everything from skiffle to black metal: Lonnie Donegan, Mozart, Ornette Coleman, New Riders of the Purple Sage, Deicide, Streisand, Black Label Society, and Zach Galifianakis.
If the winners are not into that stuff, Radio Hut offers exclusives like The Beatles catalog (not available on the "piece of crap" iPod), and the ability to download individual AC/DC tracks.
Tom tells a disbelieving Craig that in the past he found Radio Hut's merchandise inferior, but think they may have finally scored with the hutPod. The hutPod unit is similar to the iPod in terms of downloading: you simply log onto one of Radio Hut's cyber channels, hit the download button and your instantly downloading to the hutPod hard drive.
Craig says that unlike the tiny iPods, the hutPod uses "rechangeable" hard drives -- if your hard drive gets too full, you can put in a new drive of 30 to 120 gigs and get right back to the downloading fun.
Radio Hut offers hutPods at four price points: Standard ($349 for 90 gb) Junior (60 gb for$299 ), Micro ($259 for 30 gb), and the Maxi ($499 for 120 gb). Radio Hut is also competing with the video iPod with their MoviePod.
Craig touts the fact that the 30-gig "Shuffler" was ranked by a panel of audio experts as having superior sound to all other brands combined. The two-man panel includes known con-man and faux German audio guru Heinrich Wiltenbach and former football player Mark Gastineau, who became an audiophile from club hopping while being on the road during his career. Tom recommends pressing Heinrich on his thick, Fatherland accent, which Craig will do when he meets him for brunch. Craig admits that the panelists are paid, but assures Tom that he saw them listening to the hutPods with big smiles on their faces. Tom declares the panel to be absurd, and Craig doesn't like the 'tude and considers pulling his offer.
Radio Hut company policy UPDATE: In the past, if you stopped by the Hut for batteries, they'd lean on you for your address. As new owner, Craig ceased doing that. Now they get Social Security numbers, which is less hassle for everybody. This allows them to get to know the customer on a more intimate basis and track their whereabouts, their buying habits, and their general likes and dislikes via 24/7 surveillance. For example, Craig knows that Tom asked for no olives when he was at Quiznos earlier in the day. He also recommends that Tom stop singing in his car because his voice is "not that happening". Tom is horrified by these tactics, but Craig sees it as just carrying on Radio Hut traditions established by his father.
Tom wants to hear more about the storage capacity of the 120-gig hutPod, speculating that it could hold 70,000 songs. Craig wishes. Turns out that 120 gigs equates to 2 hours worth of hard drive storage. Tom wonders if Craig knows what a gig is, and he thinks he does: "A gig is a minute, jerk." Tom disputes this and Craig wonders where Tom attended digital technology school.
This leads to the truth about the hutPod: the hard drives are painted-white CASSette tapes that are inserted into re-purposed walkmens that are also painted white. Downloading involves pushing the "RECORD" button when you tune into one of the "cyber channels", which are radio stations. You can get The Beatles by tuning into a radio station, but sometimes you gotta wait for them. If you listen to your local Sunday morning Beatles show, you can record tracks, and switch to shuffle mode by hitting rewind and fast-forward a lot.
The MoviePod is an old POT80 set that offers "streaming video" in the form of television stations.
It also turns out that Radio Hut only moved three hutPods last December and they were all returned. Tom tells Craig that these returns were likely the result of customers realizing that it was an analog walkman, but Craig believes that they decided that they couldn't handle the advanced technology.
Talk then turns to Craig's father, Jeff, who sold Craig the Newbridge Commons Radio Hut a few weeks ago for $1. Jeff was in deep s hit the Feds for selling people out of the back door of the Hut and into servitude at the Newbridge Quarry. Craig was deeply embarrassed about his father's activities, which included perusing periodicals such as The Traffikker to assemble a network of slaves from locations as varied as Canada, Ecuador, Maine, and Hawaii.
As of this writing, Jeff is missing after he was attacked by a softball game in January. He became belligerent and was heckling a woman and the last thing Craig saw was his father being dragged away, beat up, and put up on a barge by people who were madder than a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding.
I got an anonymous tip from someone who claims to have snapped this photo of Jeff Cooper with another man who may be a fellow captive or one of his captors.
Craig mentions that he is the result of either Jeff's third or fourth marriage, and the heckled woman was intended to be Wife #6.
Jeff wanted to use the same pre-nup that he'd been using with other broads, but she wouldn't go for it. The rules of this agreement were rather extreme:
1. Wife shall in no case have access to joint bank account without written permission from husband.
2. Wife cannot divulge information on husband and/or marriage to any party including family members.
3. Wife shall immediately divulge any and all information to husband regarding person or persons giving marital advice.
4. In public, wife shall walk directly behind husband at all times.
5. Wife shall never argue or voice opinions in public or private.
6. Wife ife shall conduct herself in accordance with Islamic scripture at all time.
Jeff's not a Muslim, but he felt that they had the best rules about how to keep broads in line.
Tom reveals that he knows Jeff, and Craig said that Tom was at the top of his s hitlist because he rubbed Jeff the wrong way in a big way. Then again, Craig was also high on the s hitlist because he ruined to Jeff's life by being born. He forced Jeff to go legit, shattering his dreams of becoming a famous PORNOgrapher. At this point, Craig unleashes a loud belch and admits to being a little in the Big Gulp cups from drinking an entire bottle of Wild Turkey cut with an orange Cert (he initially claimed the elixir contained some Orange Julius) that he hopes will mask his breath on the way home.
Craig found out his dad's IM username and password and spent a day chatting dirtily with his fifth wife, Kim. At the time, Jeff was 60 and Kim was 30 with a hot body (all natural stuff). Craig used to sell tickets to local to kids so they could watch Kim workout in the morning in skimpy outfits seemingly made from two mouse hides. The kids would watch the show for five minutes or however long it took.
Here's an excerpt from that IM session:
JCoop69: Hey.... what are you wearing?
Kim5: A Radio Hut headband.
JCoop69: That's it?
Kim5: Yep.
JCoop69: !!!!!!!! I want to do you for 180 gigs ; - )
Kim5: ????
JCoop69: I want to make the sweet stuff with you for three hours
Kim5: Mmmmm.....I'm desirous of a ride.
JCoop69: I will partake of your fruit basket in ways not sanctioned by The Holy Book.
Kim5: LOL. Oh, I listened to that mix tape that Craig made for me.
JCoop69: Good?
Kim5: Yes! I can't stop listening to this one song by Mother 13 called "Wired"
JCoop69: Really?? They're like my favorite band EVER.
Kim5: What? You've heard of them? I thought you only liked country and "bar bands"??
JCoop69: You're nuts! I like all kinds of stuff.
Kim5: Weird. I think M13 is playing the Newman's Own Peach Salsa-Kashi Go-Lean Crunch-Pilsner Urquell Champagne Jam next month.
JCoop69: Awesome! Craig said he put an Arch Enemy track on there. Did he?
Kim5: Yeah, I liked the riffs, but the vocals are too growly for me.
JCoop69: Sorry! Uh, I mean, Craig's such a dunce!
Kim5: No prob. He more than made up for it with Shostakovich's String Quartet No. 8 In C Minor, Op. 110: III. Allegretto and the Janitor Joe tracks. That AmRep stuff's really aged well. Their roster is my Beach Boys.
JCoop69: Speaking of the B Boys, that new Kelley Stoltz is really doing it for me. I'll tell Craig to throw some on the next mix.
Kim5: Nice. And maybe some Bad Brains?? I just took off the headband.
JCoop69: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll put it on Little Jeff when I see you later tonight, Barbara.
Kim5: Um, yeah, so are we still on for dinner?
JCoop69: Yeah, I'll pick you up in about 45 gigs. I can't wait to get out of my marriage. I'm not going to pay a cent in spousal support, either.
Craig ultimately busted up his father's marriage and offered Kim a shoulder (located under the sheets) to cry on and ended up marrying her. Jeff was not pleased and attempted to run over Craig with his van seven times.
It's almost closing time at Radio Hut, so Craig is anxious to close the hutPod sale with Tom. Tom has no interest in the product, and Craig threatens to hold Tom down, put the headphones from a Maxi hutPod boombox on him, and blast a mash-up of Barbara Streisand's "The Main Event" and Cannibal Corpse's "Force Fed Broken Glass" in his ear. More interesting than that, Craig will actually force feed broken glass to Tom. Craig tries to get Tom to add an eight-year extended service plan at a charge of $250 every 6 months. Tom threatens to call the police when Craig starts going over his credit history, which makes Craig nervous because his father is a wanted man. He threatens to sell Tom and his family to the quarry, which he admits was his idea and is still ongoing. Craig was recently informed by one of his foremans that a bulldozer got stuck, and he asks if Tom has any well-built neighbors that would help dislodge it.
Despite the combative nature of the bulk of the call, Craig wants to hang out and/or move in with Tom.
After last week's show, x amount contacted Craig about the mash-up he mentioned on the air and got him to send it by agreeing to purchase the sketchily catchily-named POT80 region-free DVD player (Craig guaranteed the player would in fact work anywhere in the country) with a 15-year extended service plan.
Babs vs. Cannibal Corpse - "The Main Event vs. Force Fed Broken Glass"
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Evan "Funk" Davies joins Tom to help boost the Good Guys coffers, Spike delivers a passionate pitch (as well as threatening to dithipline those who don't pledge their support) that sends donations soaring, Tom finally riffs on the Hazelmyer interview and super-creepy Abercrombie & Fitch dude (maybe), and a filthy carnie keeps the tentpole firmly in place for all three hours.
Outtakes from 33 1/3's upcoming book on Paul's Boutique.
Eagles of Death Metal - "I Gotta Feeling (Just Nineteen)"
So far this new Eagle of Death Metal album is working for me in a way that first one (and even that last QotSA record) didn't. Good stuff. Tom played this track in his opening set on last week's show (recap not yet available). Yet another reason to skip the podcast and hijack the full-on deal!
Still, the chronology seems a bit off. Way back in 1988, the girl was just seventeen.
Ghostface - "The Champ"
Mickey, Clubber Lang, and the "Synthetic Substitution" break oughtta make up for the janky audio quality of this leak.
Any nerd can tell you that Vinnie Jones aka Bullet Tooth Tony will be playing the live action role of Cain Marko aka Juggernaut. What they don't know is that the film will, most likely, receive an R rating due to sexually-oriented language, scenes of excessive violence and repeated attempts to rape the same character.
A nice primer for the upcoming March Mayhem -- this is one of the best things I've ever seen.
Beastie Boys on youtube:
Rappin' With The Rickster, Mike D on a date, and parts of the infamous Beck, Thurston Moore, Mike D interview on 120 Minutes.
[via my increasingly neglected subscription and so therefore really Hillary.]
Do we even get Kimmel in Atlanta yet? Shut up. I don't care. But I must say that this recurring Unnecessary Censorship bit (Best of 05, the rest) is BRILLIANT.
transcript //
chamby: make some semi-subliminal night lights for your boys: mario oh oh O!
x-amount: for me! man, those are neato.
chamby: totally
chamby: i've already gotten the pixelated mario magnet sets from them
chamby: having grown up with all things "pixels", i will always be a sucker for this type stuff
chamby: fond childhood memory? making space invader characters out of legos. YUM.
x-amount: nice.
x-amount: you just did a post in this here IM, btw.
x-amount: jam all that up on the R!
chamby: ok ... transcript stylee here it comes
chamby: after i finish this order. 8)
end transcript //
I think I could like the Black Eyed Peas if they didn't subscribe to the R. Kelly method of lyric writing, à la make it up as you record it. If you can get through the first 45 seconds of this track, once Black Thought starts this is pretty good stuff. But it really starts banging when the step drums and Chali 2na come in.
Sergio Mendes (w/Black Thought, Chali 2na & Will I Am) - "Yes, Yes Y'all"
What is it exactly? What is this thing that is a feeling but is so much more?
[also via TSOYA.]
If you were curious about the bodily location of Tom Brady's surgery, wonder no more! Matt has gone ahead and cleared things up FIRST THING:
The David Cross entrant in the new Onion AV Club Random Rules feature is where I'm dumping you off. But page back through the others. They're good too.
Guided By Voices - "Buzzards and Dreadful Crows" (Live in Portland 11/16/2004)
[via TSOYA.]
... at The Tabernacle.
If someone will buy me this, I will gladly go ...
Government holiday yesterday, so I took one of the boys to see that new Will Ferrell/David Cross vehicle. Neither one does a single funny thing, and Cross pretty much rehashes his hair-plug ponytail look from Arrested Development. YOU WASTED MY TIME ON THIS ONE, FELLAS.
UPDATE: I went rooting around on the Official Site (certain to stand the test of Internet time and be useful forever) for a pic of the Cross ponytail and stumbled onto this instead. Nothing says fun and learning (flearnin'!) like a reproducible:
Podfodder update. Get rid of all those other craps I told you about; I sure went to deletion town with them. Actually, save the Shillue. Hopefully he'll get back to telling us some stories soon. But I found a fantastic new podcast shortly after making that post a couple months ago and figured I'd do a post about it once I was ready to talk about all the fancy video podcasts I subscribed to. Only I subscribed to a bunch of fancy video podcasts and they've all pretty much been ignored after the novelty wore off. (I do love you, Amanda Congdon. Maybe I'm just in an audio-only cycle?)
Here's the new one you need. It'll show up right after the Recid-O-Cast in your iTunes list. It's called The Sound of Young America (iTunes link, newish companion blog). And the guest line-up over the last year seems fake it's so awesome.
Here are some of the featured guests that have already made my commute look-forward-to-able: Paul Feig (Freaks and Geeks creator), Prince Paul (he samples kiddie records), Matt Walsh (UCBer that I've seen perform IN PERSON and IN COLOR and didn't even PLAY UP), Chris Elliott (known for "Chris Elliotting around" and a book that I still haven't finished), Rodney Rothman (former head writer for Letterman and author of a fantastic book that I just finished), Sarah Silverman (she says jokes that have bad words), H. Jon Benjamin (surly son on Dr. Katz; Akiva Smirnoff and other fun characters on this other decent radio show), Devin the Dude (he really was MC Watchout? seriously? unfortunately, no confirmation on his TSOYA appearance), John Hodgman (McSwy's a-hole and The Daily Show correspondent-without-a-badge), Fred Armisen (heterosexual SNLer), Ricky Jay (ex-Bella Union cardsharp), Louis CK (subscribe to his stand-up-only video podcast while you're clicking around on things), Demetri Martin (adorable Myspace commentator), Tom Scharpling and Jon Wurster (creators of Conan O' Brien's favorite radio program), Blackalicious (solid EP, then lost Shadow's phone number), and a bunch of others that are kinda hard to dig out of this comprehensive page, so just subscribe in iTunes and start picking through the unbelievable line-up there.
p.s. AST people are trying to start up a podcast as well. A couple non-standard promising things available now, but I'll alert when they go more official [UPDATE: minutes after I posted, I went and checked the forum again. OFFICIAL].
"I’ve seen some images there that will stick with me forever. I was looking down just as the costume contest was letting out, and I saw this middle-aged, overweight guy dressed as Green Lantern walking dejectedly out of the hall holding hands with his mother."
"You apologizing is the first step in admitting that there's a problem, that there's an angry little Tommy inside you." -- Rick Valentin to Tom
"I hope you don't get what you want." -- Tom to Akiva Smirnoff
"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky." -- Kelly Clarkson
[T(*)SOWFMU - 2/14/06 / Podmirth / Jingle Jams / Myspace / FOT]
*Pending earning it back on 2/21/06.
Hey, Petey ... do you know about a band called "Belle and Sebastian"?
Belle and Sebastian - "Sukie in the Graveyard" ( Click here to buy The Life Pursuit from Insound.)
Belle and Sebastian - "Lazy Line Painter Jane" ( Click here to buy Push Barman To Open Old Wounds from Insound.)
Annotatt hIghlites@4 8 15 16 23 42 <<<=========>>> startswithpandrhymeswithcrayola 180%peanutccchhewssllladywainsworthsGompfestDDD getoffmyddanielbugsapanxxxxxxxx...dedededededah freedomriderfreethemwm3peeeeeeeeeeeeeedeeeeeeeeeeeeemaaaaaaaaaaaaahky
comeonmannheeeeellllloooootommertWaWawhaaaaaaa???!rockrotruleyakov
TvTdoesn'tCAREboutblkpuppits///rickrosegoodguys
WTF?!
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Whaaah. I hate this. I hate my uncle's computer so much. It's a Dell he got about a year ago so he can use PartyPoker and download eroticicities. I always do these recaps on my tricked-out, custom-made (by me) Omar9000 Linux box, but I'm visiting my uncle Udo Erasmus at his "writer's cabin" (constructed entirely from Flaxbrique®, crushed walnuts, and rendered tuna fat) in the mountains of East Schwenksville, PA. Uncle Udo's a renowned nutrition expert and he's in his study banging away on a typewriter trying to finish his sequel to Fats That Heal, Fats That Kill: The Complete Guide to Fats, Oils, Cholesterol and Human Health. He wants to call it Fats That Heal, Fats That Kill 2: Omega-3 Boogaloo, but I told him that the "x 2: Boogaloo" joke is totally played out.
I'm in his guest room, which is eerily quiet and boiler-room hot. And that typewriter is so loud! It sounds like artillery fire. I went in there a few minutes ago to give him some herbal tea, and I thought I was in that Albert Finney scene from Miller's Crossing. I don't think this monitor -- 17", ugh -- is working either. It's like there's a gaggle of von Trimble orphans nestled inside the cathode ray tube, trying to etch-a-sketch my keystrokes with the world's tiniest needle. Hold on a sec. Ha ha! Uncle Udo just asked me if I tried turning the computer off and then turning it back on again. Man.
My research assistant/IT guru is bed-ridden with the flu (I think she's faking), so let me see if I can take care of this. In the meantime, watch Husker Dude on The Joan Rivers Show:
No luck yet. I'm actually considering calling Horse from The Jock Squad, but I'm not sure if we could offer him an acceptable meal other than maybe some of the Alderfer ring bologna I picked up earlier today. Be right back -- check out this clip of Dinosaur Jr playing "Kracked" at the Blind Pig in Ann Arbor, MI, on 9/15/87:
I think I fixed it! Need to reboot. Here's a comedy skit about another magazine that Spike advertises in:
Not only are the tech issues resolved, but I just had some steamed broccoli and an UdoShake® -- an exclusive blend of carrot, pear, parsley, wheatgrass, fresh ginger, and herring. Disgusting? Kinda. Invigorating? D S.
Annotated highlights of the mighty oak tree that everybody wants to bring down:
- NO SPIKE. Tom's at a loss for how to start the show sans his buddy. Did the 15-minute phones snafu leave Spike crying on his orange crate holding his antique phone receiver to his ear as the line repeatedly rang unrequited? As Tom pointed out, the more likely scenario is that his Valentine's Day business was going so wickedly scrumdidilyumptious that he was unable to call anyway. I was flipping through the current issue of Masters and saw that Spike placed one of those audible centerfold ads ("My Name is Spike ...") promoting his V-Day Special: buy a 30-minute session and get a FREE VG+ Chuck Berry 78 and a CASSette tape featuring the best of his WBAI "Sexy Sadie" cranks.
- Dave in Boston calls (starts 44:51) on a lonely Valentine's Day and reveals that his last relationship went sour due to some infidelity with his girlfriend's sister. Tom offers a quick diagnosis: Dave (age 25) has a lot of growing and toughening up to do. He's an insult to soft-serve ice cream -- he's gelato. Tom recommends a move from the North End to the mean streets of Southie.
- Gordon from North Dakota returns (starts at 47:04) for a Valentine's Day edition of Love/Hate for Tom:
1. Good guys - LOVE
2. Bad guys - HATE
3. Adrien Brody - LOVE
4. Rockin' Mel Slirrup - LOVE
5. Dried apricots - HATE
6. Jibber jabber - HATE
7. Jan Smithers - LOVE
8. Nerf footballs - LOVE
9. Dogs with bandanas - LOVE
10. The Take - ?
Tom requests some clarifcation on the definition of "The Take" and gets a cryptic, two-word hint: D A. This stands for District Attorney, suggesting that Tom's payola scandal is about to be subject to an official legal probe ("Your Honor, I'd like to call Mr. A.C. Newman to the stand ...").
Tom began a Love/Hate for Gordon:
1. GOMP - LO-
Gordon gets the highly damning, sotto voce GET OFF MY PHONE, which blew through like a quiet breeze.
- Now to War. Tom declares that the Poster Children shenanigans must end. Rick and Rose started the fire (with the dreaded "i" word), and Tom will finish it tonight. As Walter Sobchak said: this aggression will not stand, man.
Z-E-P-H returns to get things going (starts at 1:12) because he's got a 'nother bone to pick with Tom. Tom erroneously thinks his foist name is spelled Z-E-F, which Z-E-P-H finds hilariously rich. The name is based on his father's fondness for Zephyrs, which was also Zeph's foist toy. Zeph provides his last name as well: Marshack. He's Rose's uncle, and he wants Tom to apologize for what he's been saying about his neice. He calls Tom (who he believes deserves the Radio Zero rippage) and the entire Best Show crew smart alecks and claims that Mike the Courageous Call Screener called him an unrepeatable name beginning with the letter "f" and ending with "hole". This understandably hurt Zeph's feelings. (If true, filth move, Mike.)
Zeph asks Tom about the specifics of his beef between Rose and Tom. Tom informs him that Rose found him annoying (Zeph kind of agrees with that) and said his callers were little girls (from his sampling of the calls, Zeph can’t say he disagrees with that assessment). Zeph is perplexed and suggests that soon Tom will be dissing No More Songs About Sleep and Fire and DDD (which means it was recorded, mastered, and produced in digital).
Zeph is a fan of early Poster Children, but doesn't think they've ever been the same since Howie Kantoff left the band. Even though he played drums with gloves on, Zeph believes they lost a lot of momentum when he left, though Rose would never really cop to that. Overall, the band kinda lost Zeph after Tool of the Man, but he still follows them out of familial obligation.
Tom's at a loss for words, but Zeph has a suggestion: “Rose, I’m sorry for what I’ve been saying to you.” Zeph is then surprised by a call from Rick, the husband of his beloved neice. [Zeph is temporarily cut off and then reconnects, calling Tom a jerk for dumping him.]
Zeph admits that he's not been on the best of tourms with R&R since the Thanksgiving 2003 incident, but hopes that they can put that behind them. In the incident in question, Uncle Zeph got a little in his cups and felt compelled to show everyone little Uncle Zeph, who he dipped in the turkey. He ended up falling down in the snow and got arrested by the Champagne, IL. police. He apparently also revealed little Zeph at the Blind Pig and High Dive clubs. R&R are reluctant to have Zeph make future trips from Lexington, KY, to Champagne because his antics are not kid-friendly and would be unfit for Graham. Zeph said his behavior is the result of him seeing R&R drink and wanting to join in the fun. He predicts that Little Uncle Zeph’s gonna come out again on a future visit.
There are some audio issues on Rick's end since Tom and Zeph are using an outdated telephony paradigm instead of Skype. Zeph can hear Rick fine and suggests that Rick is wearing a fancy headset that is digitizing Zeph's voice in DD. Zeph aborts the call because he has to hit the can.
Summary of the Rick vs. Tom debate (which will also be the subject of an expert panel of psychologists, linguists, and computer scientists on C-SPAN 2 this Wednesday from 2 to 4 a.m.):
Rick: Tom has contempt for Democratic media, DJs are pushing content to a captive, helpless audience -- sad, lonely men in their ivory radio tower who force lackeys to chop up their content for distribution as an inauthentic "podcast", Tom is working off of a 19th century model using outdated technology (Tom: "IT'S NOT A MODEL!"), Radio Zero doesn't use a megaphone to abuse listeners -- Rick's a uniter while Tom is a divider, Tom is a Puppetmaster who uses his bully pulpit to fill empty, angry high school drones with hate (this charge is later retracted), and suggests that Tom needs to wise up to the fact that his hard exterior is masking the fragile, unhinged little Tommy, who lashes out with a blowtorch of anger at the slightest comment or when someone gnaws at the inner truth about him. In short: Tom's in need of a psychological tourniquet.
Aimee Mann - "Wise Up" ( Click here to buy the Magnolia soundtrack from Amazon.)
Aimee Mann - "Save Me"
Tom: He's not sad -- doing a show in your kitchen is sad; so-called authentic podcasts are just talking blogs and it's bad enough to have to read about some guy's cereal eating habits, Tom BRINGS IT, BABY: The Best Show is appointment entertainment loaded with value, Tom can take calls on a non-home phone and doesn't have to worry about a kid spilling grape juice on his radio station, R&R are tech snobs, Tom talks with the callers instead of at them, and his show was built from humble roots and now has a true, grassroots community that spans well beyond the kitchen table.
Tom was on the verge of sleep, so he requests that Rick put Rose on the line assuming she can avoid cursing like a call screener.
- Bryce calls (starts 1:56), and he's not entirely sure about who he's talking to or his whereabouts. He asks Rick about working with Steve Albini (very pleasant) and wants to confirm the stories he's heard about Albini killing people. Bryce once saw Albini ice Blackie Onassis from Urge Overkill with a bicycle, but it was in one of his violent dreams. Bryce wonders what Rick and Tom are smoking, and Rick states that he's sXe, which Bryce declares "so uncool". Tom suggests that Rick's only vice is putting down others, which Bryce hears as "pudding", but Rick does not eat pudding because it contains gelatin. Bryce laments: "Oh man, so many rules."
Bryce also wants to know if Death Cab picked up a Grammy for Best Alternative Album. (Note for Bryce: they lost to The White Stripes' Get Behind Me Satan). Tom asks Rick if he's ever been nominated for a Grammy and Bryce offers a puzzled response of "No, I don't really play anything!"
R & R eventually cuddled, bubbled, and huddled their way to a truce offering, which Tom accepted. Call off the FOTwa 'cause the WAR is ova:
The Great and Powerful Tom has spoken. Rick and Rose (and young Graham) are now allies in the real battle -- the Good Guys continuing to win in 2006.
Check out Rose's good blog post about getting caught up in the Kaufman/Grodinesque maelstrom.
Here's a track recorded by dream warrior Steve Albini (last Thursday I had a handful-of-hash-feuled Bryce dream in which Steve and James Iha killed David Yow with a skateboard outside of the Double Door.):
ThePoster Children - "Wanna" (I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm not completely up to speed on the availability of the PC catalog, but Flower Plower appears to be OOP. Half it. UPDATE: it was re-issued in 2000 and is available on the iTunes.)
In an effort to avoid triggering a new conflict and notesfiles venom, I won't report all of the disturbing details of what I heard on the last Let's Active podcast. Let's just say that Mitch Easter was going OFF on Tom and the the Best Show listeners, who he said were "a bunch of red-state soccer mommies." During his rant, Gene Holder from The dB's called in and said he found Tom to be "jejune".
Let's Active - "Every Word Means No" ( Click here to buy Cypress/Afoot from Insound.)
AMG on "Every Word Means No":
The lyrics1 are mostly unremarkable, except for the middle eight, in which Easter is smart enough to correctly use the word "anathema"[sic]2 and cool enough to deliberately mispronounce it ("anaTHEEMa") because the proper pronunciation wouldn't fit the meter of the song.
1If you're in the mood for some remarkable lyrics, cart up some Bob Dylban. I recommend his punk record, Blonde on Blonde. If you don't have any Dylban, try this platter of heady craftmanship.
2Since this show, I consulted the OED, and the correct spelling is "tAnapthammmah".
- Comedian Akiva Smirnoff calls (starts at 2:12) from a stand-up tour stop in Connecticut to lighten the mood after the Rick & Rose intensity and report on the progress of Red Son, his new one-man show. The Good News: he's had two stellar performances; The Bad News: his uncle Yakov found out about it and is not pleased about Akiva using artistic license to claim to be his son. Yakov is also jealous of Akiva's relationship with one of his ex-girlfriends, who is nearly 25 years Akiva's senior. Akiva says that he has no vendetta against his uncle and that Linda is simply an awesome and mellow girl.
Akiva says that Linda is listening to the show from the Williamsburg loft (surprise, surprise) they share with the members of The Go-Go Banchees (go see them if you're ever in the city). Akiva and Linda try not to talk about the Yakov situation because it's creepy, but it is discussed in the bedroom (yuck).
Linda has taught Yakov a lot and tells great stories about her comedian groupie days in the 1980s, including tales about about Gilbert Gottfried and that guy that used to do that thing on SNL. She d-a-t-e-d around quite a bit then, but eased out of the life in the 1990s and came out of this dark period as a great girl..
Akiva asks Tom if he can address Linda during the call and assures Tom that it is much more than a simple shoutout:
"Linda, I love you. I mean, you helped me through the hard times with my family and I've helped you through the heroin addiction, and I want to know if you'll marry me."
Tom is puzzled by the proposal, especially after Akiva reveals that courtship was only a month long and comprised of "fooling around". Tom advised against it and hopes that Linda declines; Akiva is proud that he did what his uncle was never brave enough to do -- pop the question -- and can't wait to see the look on Uncle Yakov's face when he kisses Linda at his beachside ceremony.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: We hear a few more tracks from Let's Add More Cheese: Sonic Appetyzers from the T.G.I.Friday's Underground (Rhino Handmade), Gordon gets Tom's opinion on roasted cashews and Sammy Maudlin, and Tom re-establishes the show as the best program on WFMU by breaking away ...
Tom Scharpling & Kelly Clarkson - "Breakaway"
In light of Sorkin's [unfortunately Urbaniak-free] upcoming masterpiece, this news is the only thing that makes me even remotely interested in watching Fey's show.
Here is an extraneous paragraph to justify keeping that image over there. Without this text, the image would hang all down and the lone paragraph above would be all short and weird. So this should just about do it. Let me save and see. Yep, that worked. For your troubles, here's a link to the classic sketch referenced in the SL and image.
All your analrapist action is one hot little package:
Prince - "Black Sweat"
PRO: From the upcoming 3121 record, "Black Sweat" is a superfun [and increasingly rare] return to Prince's '80s LinnDrum-fueled minimalism.
CON: Once some jerk mentions "Hot Thing," you'll have a hard time not mentally overlaying the "chung-a-jung" sound over the empty spaces.
Unrelated to the song at hand, but totally related to the SL and song title is the image-based discussion in this ILM thread.
A Fran & Gordon classic.
Run-D.M.C. hates the letter S.
I don't think I ever paid much attention to this when listening to the original "My Adidas". The scratched-in horn stabbiness covers up the transgression on many of the non-chorused bits.
dj BC (Run-D.M.C. x Tom Petty) - "Free Adidas"
This dj BC smoosh-em-up highlights the vocals a bit more and makes it obvious that they're really bigging up their "Adida" throughout much of the song. I don't know what's going on here. I may stick it on axemefi next week and see if this is some slang/dialect thing that I just missed somewhere along the way.
Can someone make this Hank Shocklee article like actual text please?
The audience:
I enter the elevator, notice that L[obby] has already been selected, and go to the back middle, forming the furthest-from-the-door point of a three person isosceles triangle.
The contestants:
I am flanked on my left by an older man. He is humpled over with a very necessary cane.
On my right is a middle-aged woman. She appears to be hearing impaired and has Victrola-grade hearing equipment enveloping both ears.
The competition:
When we all get down to the lobby floor, the old man grunts and motions at the lady for her to exit first. She shakes her head and then nods to indicate that he should exit first. The old man gets agitated and grunts a little louder, gesturing at her and then the door with his cane. The lady takes a step backward and practically bellows “No-w, you go-w.”
The outcome:
The man relents and exits first. The victorious woman follows. The audience hangs back a bit so as not to miss any front door rematch action.
Whatever sounds you can manage to squeeze through the duct tape will be taken into account.
Radiohead - "The Gloaming (DJ Shadow Remix)"
Short, sweet, red and pink: the very definition of Dr. Red Duke's favorite things. Including this Valentine's Day quickie Recid-O-Cast where I pay tribute to our 16 year (!) relationship.
Subscribe in iTunes if you haven't already. Red's still next up-to-bat, and you're gonna wanna get in before he steps up again.
Eppy's tossed off some crazy good analysis of a bit of pictorial Billy Joel detritus. Great because he nails everything fascinating about the picture and manages to anchor it with a completely back-of-your-brain-but-never-really-forefronted riff about Joel's permanent air of defeat.
"I never cranked Grandpa." -- Spike on Al Lewis (RIP)
"I hurt and I click." -- Tom Scharpling on his jaw
"It involves nudity. And gunplay." -- Troy Renfro on his criminal record
[TBSOWFMU - 2/7/06 / Podmirth / Theme Ditties .mp3'd.]
Happy (belated) Birthday to Mr. Tom Scharpling!
You give birth to smiles, sir!
Annotated highlights of the love, laughter, and truth:
- After spinning "Cherry Cola", the homicidally sexy new Eagles of Death Metal track, Tom notes that his elixir of choice en route to the station was a digusting diet vanilla black cherry Pepsi. This made Tom nostalgic for the "suicide sodas" of youth, the ill-advised concoctions of Coke, Sierra Mist, Powerade, and Diet Dr. Pepper that are a constant bane to the guy at the soda store. (Choice Tom sound effect: the kirsh-y fountain dispensing noise.) It's time for the soda men to fully embrace the new generation of soda lovers!
- Tom immediately recognized Spike's voice (starts at 24:00), a feat that Spike attributes to psychic powers rather than simply a functional sense of hearing. Spike initially calls on a scratchy connection from the clinic at the Baltic Street Treatment and Resource Center before he is caught and whisked back to his room by some orderlies who have no interest in Spike's offer for a dithipline session.
Tom briefly segues into a new topic, but notes that if Spike calls back, he goes staight to the front of the line just like he's getting his meds. It's hard to argue with Tom's point that waiting for Spike to reconnect with more clarity is a low point for all of our lives, but I must admit that I was getting a bit jittery at the thought that he may not come back. I needed my Spike fix! Proud moments. Spike does indeed call back from the new Radio Hut POT20 phone they installed in his room.
Spike adds drugs/meds to his ever-growing list of don'ts and wants to discuss the loss of two great Americans: Coretta Scott King and Al "Grandpa" Lewis, who was apparently a member of Team Zissou. Spikes admits to calling Al's WBAI show "once in a blue moon" ("Heeeeelllllooooo, Grandpa. Where's Debbie?"), but spared him any of his telephonic ruses since he only cranks people he doesn't like. Tom grills Spike about his early, Sadie/Debbie-driven calls to the Best Show, and Spike says that he was being unintentionally rude because he had yet to make a personal connection with Tom (aka "Babe", which he is now banned from saying).
Tom gets letters! Spike braces himself for the poison-pen prose by sitting down on one of his orange crates and taking a swig of hose water from the building next door. The longhand letter is rife with Mahky Ramone/Marky Mark-level grammar and calls Spike short (this accusation is false: devotees know that Spike is 6' 4"), fat, sad, and sick. The writer requests that Tom cease referring to him/it by his self-appointed name and, instead, put it all together and use "Droopy Zippermouth" as his exclusive name during calls to deprive Spike of any of the validation and gratification that comes with being a welcomed member of the Scharplingverse. He also nominates Spike for FRD [sic] of the Week© for the remainder of 2006. Spike dismisses the author as idiotic, abnormal, and extremely unAmerican. Spike also denies that his childhood nickname was Droopy Dog.
Spike's words are coming out a bit garbled and Tom gets him to admit that HE HAD A LOZENGE IN HIS MOUTH. Stunning. Last week he delivers a star-making call, hooking Tom in the process, and he follows that up by s hitting the airwaves with a Ricola in his mouth? If he had a sore throat that required soothing, fine, but that thing should have gone in no later than about mid-"Panic In Detroit", so it had time to dissolve before calling. Do your prep, Spike! Amateur hour, sir. It's a tentpole show. Coming into a tentpole with a mouthful of Sucrets. Is Spike a Ready for Prime Time Player? After being called on it, Spike swallowed the drop, but did he swallow his rising fame with it?
Recidivism research reveals that Spike is a martial arts enthusiast -- hopefully he visited a Queens dojo this past weeked to instill some dithipline to make his next call lozenge-free.
It's time for a Lady Godiva Business UPDATE: Spike's world is going "wickedly splendid" -- 4 or 5 slaves per weeknight with a boost in business on weekenders. Tom asks Spike how his clients track him down (the local PennySaver?) and Spike says that he places advertisments in niche publications that cannot be read by people under 25. Spike cites Masters magazine as one of his preferred periodicals for his promotional text: "Dominant Master in Queens seeks Willing Slaves", followed by his business phone number. Good heavens. Tom doesn't do business phones.
Spike gives some insight into his middling, pencil-and-paper pushin' government job (he denies being a postal worker or a spy), and Tom is understandably terrified that Spike is in a position of some responsibility. It's unclear as to how many lives Spike could ruin with a bad decision, but he makes a troubling comment about the results of pushing the wrong buttons on the computer during data entry. Luckily, he does not posses the codes to launch missiles. So far, he has only used his access level to change grades.
Spike renews his attacks on GWB and shifts the call into some heavy political talk. [At this point, Bryce turns off his radio, grabs a bundle of tunes -- American Beauty on vinyl, the Suitcase 2 box, and a CD-R of First Impressions of Earth burned by his dealer -- and retires to his basement for a Widowski Superdream Wow session.] He finds it sad that Americans would vote for a man with a -9 IQ; Tom once again points out that he voted for Bush because he's our leader and deserves our respect, clearly earning a mandate in the 2004 landslide victory. Spike is also saddened to learn that Mike the Courageous Call Screener is not only a Bush supporter, but was a NJ delegate at the 2004 Republican National Convention, has visited the President at his ranch in Crawford, and was on the short list of people to run FEMA, eventually losing out to Brownie due to his lack of equestrian experience.
Spike also weighed in on the state of the Cuban nation, stating that Fidel Castro does not require any dithiplinary action and that Cuba is doing just fine. Tom suggests that maybe their transportation technology could use an upgrade, but Spike is unmoved.
Finally: it seems that some of the Best Show vernacular has penetrated the droopy zipper mask and seeped into Spike's mondo bizarro mind. Check it:
Droopy Zippermouth - "Yeah. Why?"
So we learned that Spike's rockin' the 'stache. Maybe he looks a lot like Che Guavara? Probably closer to Oscar Gamble.
- Best Show under seige: Tom discusses (starts at 40:20) the Poster Children crack-up that surfaced last week and is ready to do battle because Rose not only went after him, but also attacked his audience.
Background: Rick and Lady Foulmouth -- the driving force behind the Poster Children -- broadcast a profane pod program on a radio station emanating from their house. Tom was alerted to a sound clip of Rose's attack on TBSOWFMU from their 1/29/06 filthcast and plays it to analyze its nuances. Here's the clip in question:
Rick & Cher - "Jackin' Tom's Stylee"
Summary of Tom's analysis/response:
1.) I, Tom Scharpling, am not irritating (this is confirmed by Mike the Courageous Screen Caller, which is all the confirmation one needs). As for Best Show callers being irritating, Tom points out that he has callers. (ZUNG!) Tom compares his status as Best Show host to that of a Philadelphia sports fan -- he can yell at his own team; external "post wave" pop musicians cannot.
2.) Rose exhibits poor show preparation by not knowing if the Big Dipper catalog was OOP. Bush-league. Tom distances himself from the rest of the radio pack by being up on the current availability of Big Dipper records.
3.) Rose steals Tom's bit about CBGB's being a club before it was a clothing store. Filth move, Rose. Stop trying to living through Tom's memories.
4.) Tom doesn't lie, and defies anyone ever to point out one sliver of misinformation he has unleashed -- even accidentally -- on the air.
5.) Rose is a decidedly second-rate broadcaster who doesn't even know how to eat popcorn. Tom can successfully eat popcorn. Tom suggests that the whole "popcorn needle in throat" chat is personal information better left at the house, but since they broadcast from their home pod, this is problematic. He has stuff in his mouth and yet he's able to carry on like a true pro.
6.) The Best Show audience is very smart. Some members of the Best Show Brain Trust: Stevie Blue, Spike, Garrett, Mahky, Philly Boy Roy, MC Steinberg, Tommert the Voice of Sanity, etc. The Best Show audience also reads good magazines, like Entertainment Weekly and Pizza Aficianado, not trashy rags like Us Weekly and Harp.
7.) The Best Show is an above-board Family Fun Hour, unlike the pottymouthed, blue Poster Kids show. Best Show does not do filth.
In short: WAR is declared. More to come: Lady Foulmouth was at it again here -- now they're claiming that Tom is a hopeless 20th Century Digital Boy, offering up a faux, government-beholden podcast, compared to their modern punkcast. Give it up, Rose. You're no match for the FOT. You will be crushed under the combined weight of MC Steinberg and Droopy Zippermouth. Your heads will be bitten off by an enigmatic, truth telling Internet dinosaur. The only winning move is not to play.
- Rick in Albany calls (starts at to 50:08) to tell Tom that he's the guy referenced by Rose at the end of the above clip. He lived it. After seeing the Poster Children play a show at Bogies, he took them in as he often did with bands coming through town. Turns out that Rick and Rose did more than just lay on his floor -- they were making the sweet stuff in front of his dear granddad, who was staying with Rick while his house was getting flea-bombed. Shortly thereafter, they slammed Rick in Rockpool magazine because there was more to the story:
The next morning, as R & R were rubbing the sleep out of their eyes, they went looking for their bags. Rick tells them that he may have seen their stuff in the bathroom. They are confused by this and investigate with Rick trailing behind. The shower is running and Rose is reluctant to go in because she assumed that someone was in there. The curtain is whipped open to reveal that all their bags are in the tub getting soaked. Tom finds it all a bit devious (especially since Rick's strategy was to transfer the bags while his guests were asleep), which causes Rick to wonder how the call turned into the "Inquisition of Rick". Rick did not appreciate their rude lovemaking display and, for him, the next logical step was to water their luggage for at least three hours.
Other bands soaked in Albany:
Helmet: Got soaked just before the Poster Children incident; got mad
All: Loved it. Rick soaked their luggage every time they came through and they left him a t-shirt (unlike the Poster Children). Rick also made waffles for them.
Seaweed: Kind of into it.
Unrest: Not into it.
Yo La Tengo: Really Not into it -- Ira went a s on him. Rick noted that they had a reputation for being cool dudes and dudettes, but he had a much different experience with them.
GG Allin: Liked it. Tom correctly notes that this was probably the only time that Kevin's clothes were ever washed. Rick digs the quip and intends to use it in his forthcoming indie rock memoir, The Soaker: My Shower Could Contain Your Luggage.
Kingsnake Roost: Reaction unknown
Magnetic Fields: Reaction unknown, but I bet Merritt hated it
Earth: Reaction unknown
Dave Grohl (as a roadie for Scream post-Nevermind taking off): Ricks asks Tom to use his entertainment industry hook-ups to score a 170-word book jacket blurb from Grohl.
Old Skull: Loved it and actually turned the tables on Rick when T.J. set up a Slip 'N Slide in the backyard and soaked all of Rick's band t-shirts. Old Skull also cleaned out all of his all of his fruit roll-ups and jacked his Nintendo. Before leaving, T.J. alerted local police to the stash of marijuana he saw in Ricky's dresser drawer.
Rick's favorite soaking was his thorough dampening of a rock vixen's unmentionables.
Helmet - "Sinatra"
Drive-By Truckers - "The Day G.G. Allin Came To Town"
- Quick check-in from Stevie Blue (starts at 1:09), who has been busy with his day job, to give Tom an update on his promising new band, the Laughing Dolphins. Mike, the band's guitarist, apparently plays his guitar in a manner comparable to Keith Richards. The band's logo is a big-lipped and toothy smile with dolphins shooting out of it. SB is still working on getting Roth as a Best Show guest and notes that DLR lacks juice and that Tom is kicking his ears in. Tom is holding firm to his prediction that he will shuffle the coil by Stevie Blue's hands.
- Contact Buzz: Tom had an exciting run-in (starts at 1:13) with a listener at a weekender at The Delancey. What was initially a cordial meet-and-greet turned ugly after Marco sauced himself into a lad insane and torpedoed into Tom's unopens arms, delivering a full-on elbow to Tom's jaw, rendering it clicky for life. Tom shudders to think what he might do for something he didn't like. Thanks for listening!
Marco calls later to issue an apology for his drunken actions and offers to repeat his performance on the Poster Children.
Marco cannot hold his alcohol. He can, however, hold people. You're no Bob Pollard, son:
Next time, make sure El Goodo's arms are open and ready:
The Lemonheads - "Into Your Arms"
- Tom plays yet another white-hot track from the new Boris record (spun at 1:16), which has now been certified by G-o-d as one of the top 5 of the year.
Tom is unable to provide the track title (I did some research and it roughly translates to "Gold-Plated Chopsticks") because he is boycotting comprehension of the Japanese language until they correct the lyrics on the 12" single of XTC's "Scissor Man" they put out in 1982. Do it, Japan.
Primus - "Scissor Man"
- Troy Renfro, FWDefensive End for the Super Bowl Champion Steelers, calls (starts at 1:18) to discuss the big game and his love/hate relationship with the fans. After playing college ball at USC, Troy was drafted by the SF 49ers in 2002 and became a Steeler in 2005. He seems to be genuinely appreciative of the Steeler faithful, who would do anything to have their team bring the trophy back home. Troy is aware that the blue collars fans don't have the easiest lives, working hard all week in mills and factories to provide metals and wood for the rest of the country, and watching the Steelers play on Sunday is something they live for. This is why Troy gives it his 180% effort.
Troy notes that the team gets 3rd-grade quality fan mail ("Sinsinatty") from the likes of Hoffman's Muffler Shop employees, suggesting that they lacked the guts, brains, and right moves to stick it out and make it through the Pittsburgh school system. These missives are put on display in the clubhouse on "The Dope Board".
Many of fans come up to Troy and tell him stories about football careers thwarted after they knocked up their girlfriends in high school and became boozehounds tied down by their unwanted families. In these scenarios, Troy grabs them by the jacket and tells them that they should have used a condom. (Troy is totally Catholic, but has a block on certain passages of Biblical text.) Troy thinks it's weird to run into fans who carry Alleghany Free Times clippings about their gridiron glory days in their wallets, spreading them out on a bar table for Troy to read. Troy cannot believe that the wiry, muscley guys in these pictures are really them.
Worst part: they will challenge you to a blocking contest if you don't show them proper respect. Troy refuses all requests because he does not want to hurt them and face legal action and won't hurt himself just so they can tell their hardhat buddies that they scrimmaged against a real Steeler at local watering hole. At this point, Tom is quite taken aback by Troy's blanket statements and dim view of his loyal supporters. Troy notes that he's simply talking from experience and that they are all wonderful people that he loves.
Troy offers Tom a great story that he planned save it for his book, but he's feeeling good after drinking a little vino so here it goes: He almost didn't make it to the Super Bowl. On Saturday night he went to Shelter on the lower level of the Saint Andrew's club in Detroit and went home with three goth chicks, which is an acceptable fling (understatement of the century) because he'll be separating from Desiree in about a month. He woke up at 2 p.m. on Sunday, had no idea where he was, and had to hot wire one of the chick's cars to drive from Ann Arbor to Detroit, which is fair because they rolled all of his credit cards.
One of the girls can be seen pawing at the frontman for Specimen here:
Troy was concerned that Bill "Bologna Lips" Cowher would try to contact him before the game, but this was not an issue because Cowher rarely spoke to 3rd and 4th teamers; in fact, Troy was put on permanent IR list for the duration of the season. Since he'll likely be traded in the spring (preferably to an NFL franchise in the Bahamas where he can play wearing flattering bikini briefs and sip Coronas from the sidelines), Troy told the truth about his injury.
In the second preseason game versus the Dolphins in Pittsburgh (a bummer for Troy since you can be D S that he preferred to be playing for hot models looking for dates to Sky Bar intsead of playing in Steeltown for Claude and Maude Punchclock), Troy played a good portion of the third quarter, making a couple of stellar tackles and avoiding any jock-strap fakeouts. He tackled Dolphins RB Willie Parker and, while seated on his head amidst a massive pile-up, he was pumped up enough to unleash gas in Parker's face. Proud moment. Willie got as mad as a rattlesnake at a Thai wedding (i.e., real mad) and retaliated by grabbing Troy's foot and twisting his ankle to the point of howling pain.
He pretended that he just twisted his ankle to avoid the embarrassment of being known as "Troy Fartman, The Flatulence Footballer". After going down to injury, the locals were even nicer to him, as Troy went from getting apps and desserts comped to having his money be no good anywhere in the city.
Troy is also a musician who had a show on the college station at USC. His playlists included The Beatles, Three Doors Down, and Einstürzende Neubaten, and he had an Andy Richteresque sidekick. The Circle Jerks' Keith Morris would also stop by the studio from time to time. He cued up his first single -- "Honeybone", the title track from his music record album produced by Scott Humphrey (Methods of Mayhem, Mother 13, The Cult, Rob Zombie, Crue) -- on his ghettoblaster so Tom could get a taste. Tom cut it off due to eight curses (Troy must have thought he was on Radio Zero). Troy said he thought that language was fine for 2006 radio and was under the impression that he was talking to the 98-pound host of a high school radio show. He eventually admits that the lyrics were unsuitable for broadcast, but thought he could get away with it since he was a Steeler. This legit jam should be up for download now ($9.99 for the single / $79.99 for the full album) on House of Renfro (the site appears to be down -- amateur hour, son). Profanity aside, Tom thought "Honeybone" sounded like dated nu-metal. Troy believes it's totally Bizkitian in a good way and thinks of a stage name he will start using: MC Troy Roy.
In addition to the inflated SRP for his music, Troy will be trying to raise much-needed dough by selling his unworn uniform from the Super Bowl (he wore a Steelers cap because they lent his uniform to someone else) because he lost a lot of money betting on the game. He bet his house, Hummer, and $120,000 in cash on the Seahawks. All he has left is "Honeybone" and his Super Bowl ring. Tom's not interested in purchasing the ring, which prompts Troy to compare him to the sad Hines Ward. Troy assumed that Hines was his brougham, but he opted to take Jerome Bettis to Disney citing Troy's lack of happening vibe. Tom asks Troy if he heard this at the celebration parade, but Troy had spaced on that event and had gone straight to LA from Detroit to honor a prior comittment -- he is one of 5 judges for the broads at this year's Miss Hustler pageant. The rest of the panel: Dennis Rodman, He Hate Me, Jeremy Piven, and Mahky Ramone (who Troy's really hitting it off with -- he also reports that the erotic fiction world is buzzing over Lady Wainsworth's Desires, which comes out on Thursday.)
Tom somehow inspires Renfro to believe that he could make his dough back by becoming a really kick-ass pimp (proceeds will not be shared with Tom). Troy becomes angry at Tom's continual refusals to buy the personally-inscribed ring and believes that Tom has now dropped to 30 pounds and then turns to dust. Troy's final words are a threat to shove the ring down Tom's face.
- Gordon is back (and he apparently moved from South to North Dakota in the last week) for another round of Love/Hate for Tom (starts at 2:12):
1. Good guys - LOVE
2. Bad guys - HATE
3, Plain almonds - LOVE
4. Wicker furniture - HATE
5. Rod Roddy - LOVE
6. Bill Kohler Cowler Cowher - LOVE
7. Fred Willard - LOVE
8. Ouija boards - HATE
9. Devil Dogs snack cakes - HATE
10. Payola - HATE
Uh oh. Gordon believes it's obvious that Tom is lying about payola because he's playing the same songs every week, such as the Deeeee Ceeeeee Sniiipers. Tom still denies it, claiming that Viking Lofgren drives a toilet paper truck and lacks the funds to dish out proper payola. Tom, just admit it!
- Zeph calls (starts at 2:19) to chime in on Tom's samey playlists and declare that he and Gordon are brothers in arms on this issue. Zeph cites Tom's weekly spins of the Lady Godiva song as further evidence that he's being paid off and promises to snuff him out if it continues.
- High school journalist Ethan calls (starts at 2:23) to get some quotes from Tom so he can meet a tight deadline. Here is the story he filed this morning:
Tastes Great
Local radio host tells Port Morris students to keep their hats and cell phones in their locker; issues support for embattled councilman.
By Ethan Wainsworth IV, Staff Writer
e_wainsworth @ juktmicronics.com
I was recently granted an exclusive interview with Tippi Scharpling, the host of The Best Show on WFMU, a weekly transmission of mindmelts, madness and mathematics that airs from 6 to 8 p.m. every Thursday. It is currently the highest-rated radio program in the country and was the second-most downloaded podcast in the entire world last week, only trailing Gervais and Merchant. I spoke to Timmy about how he entered the entertainment industry and a variety of hot-button issues affecting the Port Morris student body. This is Scharpling's first interview since he spoke to Trouser Press (#89) about the burgeoning "kiddie-punk" scene in Southwestern Newbridge. (Certain segments of this interview -- including interesting discussions about his heroic stint in the Persian Gulf War, his turbulent, six-month reign as Iron Chef New Jersey, and the time that he and Page Hamilton invented the electric guitar in the stock room of a Radio Hut in Clifton -- were cut for space, but you can read the unabridged version on our brand new website: http://www.geocities.com/Port Morris/English 201/Mrs. Barrow/4th Period/Projects/Patriot Press/2006/February/issue0214/Interviews/Wainsworth/Online_Exclusives/TS_full
Patriot Press. How did you get to host the show?
Tammy Scharpling: Basically I wanted to do a radio show, I volunteered here at the station, and one thing led to another and I got a show. I submitted a tape and they liked it, and then I did a music show and it became a talk show after a while.
PP: Who has been your biggest radio influence?
TS: I like listening to a lot of talk radio. Sometimes the people I'm most influenced by are people I don't like. Bob Grant - I despise his politics, but I think he's an engaging broadcaster. I really liked mid-period Oliver North and I think Hannity's doing some interesting things stylistically. I admire O'Reilly's unflappable swagger. I also did my fair share of listening to Howard Stern when I was growing up. In terms of pure radio comedy, there's definitely a strong throughline from Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling to my comedic sensibilities. And I also like Bob and Ray, who are two old-timey radio personalities. As for newer stuff, I've liked what I've heard from Rick and Rose on the Poster Children pod show -- they have a folksy charm that's fun.
PP: What advice would you give to any high school student interested in disc jockeying?
TS: Huh. That's a good question. Maybe get involved in a small station, get on the mic sooner than you would at a big station. Learn as much as you can about all the facets of radio.
PP: What is your stance on cell phones in school?
TS: What's that?
PP: Uh, your stance on cell phones in school.
TS: I guess I would think that they might be counterproductive to learning. Maybe you bring 'em in and shut 'em off and keep 'em in your locker.
PP: What do you think about school uniforms?
TS: Public, I would disagree; private schools can have whatever agenda they want to have with clothing, but a public school -- I would not support that.
PP: This next one is kind of a touchy subject. When you were in school were there any gay or lesbian students, and how were they treated?
TS: When I was in school, it was not an issue that was discussed a whole lot. I'm sure there were, but it was not an issue that you would talk about. It would be somebody's private matter.
PP: What is your favorite new music?
TS: I guess stuff I play on the show a lot. I like this record by Boris, I like this recod by The Black Lips, I like the new Robert Pollurde record. You can take anything I play on the show and that's me enjoying it. I get paid to play records, but I actually do like some of them.
PP: Hats. Allowed or banned? What's your take.
TS: I kinda don't have much of an opinion on hats in school either way.
PP: You don't have a quote or anything?
TS: Maybe hats should also be left in the locker.
PP: Recently, Senora Belle, one of our school's Spanish teachers, suffered a mild heart attack. Do you have any messages for her while she recovers in the hospital?
[Scharpling laughs]
TS: Feel better. Please have a safe and healthy recovery and feel better soon.
PP: Recently a student of ours was quoted as saying he drinks beer, but was penalized for it. Do you think that's fair to the student.
TS: Why do you need quotes from me on these things? I don't go to your school.
PP: I have a deadline tomorrow.
TS: In what context did he say that?
PP: Well, they asked him does he drink and he said he drinks because it tastes good and he got taken off of student council.
TS: Well, maybe it wasn't the smartest thing for him to say in a public forum, but I think he should be allowed to offer his opinion.
PP: Could you repeat that?
TS: I don't think maybe it was the smartest thing for him to say on school grounds, but he's entitled to his opinion, and that's an issue between him and his parents.
PP: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Um. Par-. Alright, um, alright, that's it. I don't want to waste your time, it's just that my journalism editor is a real tightwad.
TS: OK, well, it's a pleasure to help you out for your school thing.
PP: OK, real quick, just one more. Valentine's Day is coming up, do you have any Valentine's suggestions or memories.
TS: Suggestion in what way, like if you have a date or something?
PP: Yeah.
TS: Buy your girlfriend or boyfriend something nice.
PP: Do you have something better?
TS: Something better than that? I would say you try to treat them as nice as you would treat them on Valentine's Day every day.
PP: Do you have something better than that?
TS: That's actually pretty good advice: the way people want to be treated on Valentine's Day, you should try to treat the people that are special to you like that everyday.
PP: I already have like three quotes for that and those were two of the ones already said. Do you have something better?
TS: Try to do something unique to take them by surprise. How's that?
PP: Also one of the other quotes.
TS: I can't help what else you've got! Come on!
PP: Well, I'm-
TS: I gotta say goodnight.
[I start crying.]
TS: You're not crying?
PP: No, no. I'm the voice of the public.
TS: What's wrong with you? I give you a quote, look you've got your quote. I can't help it if people already said the same thing.
PP: No, no.
© Patriot Press, 2006. A publication of Port Morris High School.
----------
- Tom discusses his beloved Puppy Bowl 2 and gets a call (starts at 2:32) from punchy referee Cliff Givens (initially plagued by buzzing sounds), who needs to set the record staight. Whereas Tom found it relaxing, simple, and brilliant, the event sent Cliff on a downward spiral he may never recover from.
[Note: Dogmo, the funniest animal in America, was named MVP.]
Cliff's primary complaint is that he was mislead as to his official dutes: he was under the impression that he just had to wear the uniform and pop into a few shots, but he was tricked into doing additional tasks, such as changing the water bowls (his cell phone fell in one) and placing toys. He's also no animal lover -- he finds their odor overwhelming and their dead eyes give him the creeps. Even worse, he was forced to lift the animals into the ring and had great difficultly with one of the cats during the Bissell Vacuum Cleaner Kitty Halftime Show, which had to be shot four times in order to get proper confetti coverage. He was also surprised to discover that the dogs would be accidentally excreting waste during play.
Cliff hasn't slept in a week and now must deal with the trappings of fame and mobs that attack him on the street, perhaps tipped off to his identity by the fact that he goes out in public wearing the referee outfit and a Eukanuba bomber-style jacket (his only clean clothes) while carrying the Puppy Bowl sign and a pet transporter with one of the players in it. He has been shrieking and recoiling in terror at approaching women and he now has a better appreciation for celebrities cracking under the pressure of fame, such as Dave Chappelle's retreat to Africa.
Cliff will not return to the Bowl in 2007 despite the fact that he pulls $7 for each DVD sale. With projected sales of 200k units, Cliff is looking at a $1.4 million payday, but it's not enough to repair the psychic damage.
Tom says that Cliff sounds like some kind of mustache-twirling villain and notes that only Commies don't like the Puppy Bowl.
DC Snipers - "Soviet Union"
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: Too Much Show remainders -- the Abercrombie & Fitch article courtesy of rapper Ted Leo and the Tom Hazelmyer interview about the invention of rock music, Spike attempts to conduct a call with a ball gag in his mouth and mourns the loss of another great American, Tom discusses the brain contusion he suffered at Glamdammit when an FOTer expressed his love for the show by delivering a crane technique kick to his head, and the Good Guys restore the world to DEFCON 5 after disarming the latest threat out of Chicago with a smile. Overall, it will be the perfect amorous accompaniment for those driving around with their loved ones.
Good Night, And Good Luck.
My Bloody Valentine - "Only Shallow"
The Dude abides ...
Once upon a time, the great Bell Biv DeVoe made a video for their song "Do Me!". In that video the original album version of the song played as an intro and then switched to the remixed version. That remixed version is only available in a much too long format and never with the album version intro. So I have created an edit that comes very close to the version in the video. I added the album version to the beginning and edited out the instrumental stretches from the remix. Hip hop smoothed out on the R&B tip with a pop feel appeal to it.
Bell Biv DeVoe - "Do Me! (Video Edit)"
Silly nerd. He thought his fiance loved him for his iPod.
Let's hope more classic Night After Night clips start appearing on your tube and mine:
Note for x amount: Check that logo behind Bakay! The Comedy Channel! HA!
[via AST.]
Well, not anymore. I was putting together a J Dilla post with a haha funtimes write-up last night -- doing up the standard research for supplementary links and whatnot -- when, boom. He dies.
Anyway, the album he released a few days before he died is good instrumental hip-hop. Less bugged-out than Madlib's production work, but just as deliciously sample-based. Donuts is accurate: it's not an album for all-in-one-sitting digestion. Think of it as a bunch of Pollard-short blasts of TMBG "Fingertips"-like soul-drenched beats for you to shuffle in with the rest of your library.
J Dilla - "Light My Fire"
J Dilla - "Lightworks [not feat. Nellie McKay, though by the end of the track you might start pretending it's her]"
( apparently we're doing a red thing now; here's a place to buy Donuts )
And since it would be a filth move not to legacy up this post, here's my favorite track from the Madlib collabo:
Jaylib - "McNasty Filth [feat. Frank-N-Dank]"
( red = get at least a few donut holes from Champion Sound too )
The R is merely short for Recidivism, dig? I just got lazy and dropped the ecidivism, like when you drop to your ecidivism.
Eric B. & Rakim - "The R (Remix)"
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The TV licence video is fun, but I too am anxious for the Molehusband to be unearthed.
But The Office Versus The Office goes to town. Detailed character analysis. Charts and graphs! Nice work.
The first two gals ain't gals at all -- it's Rob Crow (Pinback) and Zach Hill (Hella) banging around as The Ladies, a decidedly more lovely name than Crow's previous side-project. Maximize your noisy, girl-pop fun:
The Ladies - "Nice Chaps, Buddy"
The Ladies - "Empathy on a Stick"
( Click here to buy They Mean Us from Temporary Residence.)
The latter two are legit ladies, last heard crooning on Jenny Lewis's Rabbit Fur Coat. They sing pretty, ladylike songs.
The Watson Twins w/o Jenny Lewis - "HighSchool"
The Watson Twins w/o Jenny Lewis - "Darlin' Song"
( Click here to buy Southern Manners from The Watson Twins.)
... I Chax.
Honestly, the main reason for me to use this is so that new chats are automatically accepted. Seriously, what was Apple thinking with that???
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Steve Carrell stars in the best sitcom on TV and has one of the biggest hit movies of last year. Colbert gets his own show. Nate Corddry lands on this thing and now Rob Corddry gets his own show. Maybe The Daily Show really is the new SNL for comedians wanting to make it big.
A Blessing and A Curse, the forthcoming record (4.25.06 on New West) from the Drive-By Truckers, has "leaked" (the transmission was traced to Chicago Sun-Times political columnist Robert Novak. Will he ever learn? Incorrigible! He also leaked the new Grandaddy.) and it's another great one. This song was crafted by Jason Isbell, the 25-year-old wunderkind who joined the band circa 2003's Decoration Day. The D-BT's songwriting trio of Patterson Hood, Mike Cooley, and Isbell is certainly one of the most potent forces in the rock.
Drive-By Truckers - "Easy On Yourself"
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I would write one with a really long, unwieldy title. It would be called "Sitting at a Stoplight, Suddenly Finding Myself On the Receiving End of Three Flirting Mexican Twenty-Somethings Jammed into the Backseat of the Buick in Front of Me."
And it would certainly include a verse about how the driver wouldn't allow me to pass and then another verse about how this gradually affected my comfort level.
The Austin, TX, rock and roll band The Sword bring the "retro metal" (they add some Zep moodiness to this Sabbath- and Maiden-feuled template, and lay it all over thematic genre staples: Norse/Germanic mythology and Arthurian legends) much like current tourmates Early Man did with last year's Closing In. The Sword's new album, Age of Winters, drops next Tuesday.
Behold the mighty storm and partake of its fruit basket of sound:
The Sword - "Winter's Wolves"
The Sword - "Iron Swan"
There's nothing special in this Newsweek "golden corner" article, but I sure do love that picture.
If I were a truck driver, I'd definitely haul a Millis rig. Every time one passes me, I marvel at the wonderful logo and color bands stretching out of the logo down the length of the trailer. Beautiful stuff. I can't find any hi-res pictures of their trucks or the truck version of the logo design (thank Hank for the pic below), but if someone were to x amount=========-up me a truck logo I wouldn't complain.
Fewer foot burns this way too.
"As long as someone's getting decapitated, I'm a happy camper." -- Spike
"See you in my dreams, I hope you don't get iced!" -- Bryce
"That ain't not no funny to no one else neither" -- Marky Ramone, taking Tom to school with Erasmus High's quintuple negative motto
[TBSOWFMU - 1/31/06 / Podcast / Theme Songs .MP3'd.]
Towards the end of this show, there was some chatter about members of the rock group Poster Children doing some Tom trashing (he was there) on a recent podcast. Turned out to be a bit of a false alarm.
Here's a Two for Tuesday featuring tracks from Poster Children's 1995 album Junior Citizen. The second track is an ode to this guy.
Poster Children - "Junior Citizen"
Poster Children - "He's My Star"
Before getting to the recap proper, here's a song dedicated to George W. Bush -- Spike's shift supervisor and the coolest President ever!
Black Sabbath - "Supernaut"
Annotated highlights:
- Spike delivers (starts 22:48) a revealing and star-making call, somehow managing to seem more endearing while discussing severed heads. I'm beginning to think that there's definitely a method to Spike's madness, the weekly tidbits as strategically-released pieces of a larger existential puzzle. Could it be a ruse? Recidivism previously speculated that Bea Arthur was the woman behind the curtain (and zippered mask), but who knows. Fast forward to a year from now, Tom's chatting with Spike about Michael Moore's Sicko, QT and Robert Rodriguez's Grind, and tofu recipes. Mike the Courageous Call Screener rushes into the studio to tell him that the call is coming from inside WFMU. Officer Tom is called into duty and eventually finds an intern working a voice modulator while hiding beneath a rubble of press kits and promos .
So anyway, what did we learn this week?
1. Recently celebrated his birthday (1/30) and claims to be 41 (nine years away from moving from the treatment center to the nursing home). Tom is thinking more like 55.
2. He doesn't do rehab -- only "common people" go to clinics.
3. He enjoys documentaries (LOL explosion from me when he cited Super Size Me as his most recent theatrical screening. Choice Tom quip: "It's not a command.") and "really digs" horror films, especially those featuring decapitations. His comments focused on franchise slashers, so I'd love to get his take on the Italian Giallos and J-horror. Not a fan of Jenny from the Bedroom and Tom Cruise vehicles.
4. He listens to the Best Show for intellectual stimulation (sometimes), the music, and the interesting stable of callers: Officer Tom, MC Steinberg, Vinny from Howard Beach, and Cookie Louise.
5. Spike tries to deny his "Sexy Sadie" calls, suggesting that there is a doppelganger who is using the original Spike template to call shows on WBAI and Sirius (either the real or cloned Spike should call Punk Rock Blitzkreig).
6. Spike unveils his new nickname for Tom: Babe.
7. Proposes an interesting theory for the 2004 election results: Kerry's defeat may not have been a result of his wishy-washy Iraq policy, a lack of soccer mom appeal, or the base-shakin' Rove rave-ups -- dude just needed some dithipline.
8. Spike has never killed anyone.
Tom dubs Spike a throwback for his disdain for sports talk radio*, his much-voiced disgust with the trappings of suburbia, and penchant for Chuck Berry records and assorted other old-timey thingamajigs. Spike could easily be a Daniel Clowes character, landing in the panels of a future issue of Eightball: cubicled Gubmint worker by day, retreating at night to his sparse apartment (the minimalist decor consisting of an autographed picture of Lynn Samuels and a lone bobblehead doll), hungry enough to chew the crotch out of a rag doll and promptly wolfing down a butterscotch-drenched six-pack of egg rolls while viewing a Faces of Death marathon, meticulously hand washing his sole dish/knife/fork to the sounds of his mint-condition 78s playing on an antique phonograph, then frantically fiddling with his transistor radio so he can tune in the Best Show transmission as he waits for his next client to whip into tip-top shape. Tom suggested sending The Bone Collector to further investigage Spike and snap a picture, but I think these little sleuths would be more effective.
*Spike claims that he "doesn't do jock radio", but that's false. A few days ago, I heard him call WFAN: "Heeeeelllllooooo, Dawg. You know what Kobe Bryant needs? Dithipline!" He went on to ask Mike Francesa if he knew whether Debbie the Dominatrix would be suiting up for the Steelers in the Super Bowl.
Spike teases that there's "more to come". Bring it! Tom's hooked!
And mark your calendars for...
Spike's Sick & Twisted Film Festival
Date: 10/31/06
Time: 7 p.m. - You're all dithiplined by fine cinema
Cost: FREE as long as you come dressed as your favorite slasher. (25+ / NO SURBURBANITES)
Directions: 
Limited Seating: 12 orange crates, one crusty ottomon, and two "torture pedestals"
Food: Spike's signature chicken and stuffing wrapped in gluten-free pancakes; grapefruit w/ chlorine-free Splenda for dessert
Beverages: Shots of Rainbow Elixir
RSVP by 10/1/06: spike_be_goode @ gmail.com
Film Lineup (subject to change):
Se7en (1995, David Fincher)
Ichi the Killer (2001, Takashi Miike)
Maitresse (1973, Barbet Schroeder)
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988, Dwight H. Little)
Les cousins dangereux (2003, Jean-Pierre Eustache)
Re-Animator (1986, Stuart Gordon)
Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987, Sam Raimi)
Dead-Alive (1992, Peter Jackson)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994, Kim Henkel)
George A. Romero's Land of the Dead (Unrated Director's Cut) (2005, George A. Romero)
Eight Heads in a Duffel Bag (1997, Tom Schulman)
***WORLD PREMIERE***
Rock 'N' Roll High School 3 (2006, Marky Ramone) [Rough footage of Marky slipping out the back entrance of the Erasmus High gymnasium and promptly slicing off the head of a mutant serial killer (Donald Most) with a coated ambassador drum head.]
JUST ADDED: The Toolbelt Killer (2006, Trent L. Strauss) [Post-screening Q&A with the director, followed by Doo-Wop karaoke in Spike's dungeon. All festival attendees will get a Lowe's apron autographed by Mr. Strauss.]
Additional sponsors:
(TIFW*)
*Textually Iffy For Work
- A newly-ritzy Bryce calls (starts 47:08) and is glad that the heavy political talk had shifted into films. Bryce's move to the more luxurious confines of the above-the-aquarium section of Upper Newbridge is a result of a massive settlement ($120k) after his neighbor's strong pet lion bit his hand off. All things considered, Bryce is in good (self-medicated) spirits, though a bit confused. He erroneously assumes that the Academy Award nominations were for all-time films and offers Jack Lemmon as Best Actor for his non-work in Network. He also thinks he knows Transamerica's (a loose Spike bio-pic) Felicity Huffman from Lost. Bryce admits that he's not that up on 2005 films (as far as he can remember), but does offer his Best Picture nominees:
The Longest Yard
DIG!
The Tomorrow Show: Punk & New Wave DVD
Titanic
Freaky Stuff From His Homicidal, Celluloid Dreams
Bryce wonders if Tom is s hitting him about the lack of nominations for The Longest Yard (Sandler, Rock, Rob Schneider for the MTV Movie Awards category Best Cameo) and expresses an interest in technical categories like Best Dolly Grip. Bryce and Tom do find some common ground on Munich (total buzzkill) and the disappointing recent output from Albert Brooks (Bryce cites The Muse as being particularly weak).
Ultimately, Bryce bores Tom with a list of GBV songs not played during Robert Pollard's 1/28/06 show in D.C. and has to abort the call due to imminent passing out. Maybe Bryce can fire up some of that high-end, Roger Whitaker Widowski weed (share some with the bowing peasants!) and listen to these tunes:
Guided By Voices - "Navigating Flood Regions"
Lightning Bolt - "Assassins"
Richard Thompson - "Main Title Theme (Grizzly Man)"
- Tom struggles to successfully cue up (starts at 1:01) the State of the Union address and a Kelley Stoltz tune, taking detours through Jessie's bat mitzvah, faulty C-SPAN video, According to Jim, Rodney, a Clairol commercial, Chuck Berry, IM door slams, and Asia's "Heat of the Moment".
- Garrett the Absolute Punk calls (starts at 1:29) to point Tom to his Myspace defacement and threaten to melt him. About an hour later, he calls again to criticize the high-school-grade show and reiterate (excuse the profanity) his intentions to liquify its host. GtAP does manage to score with his quip of "you" in response to Tom wondering about the best term for the opposite of cool.
Wicked Witch of the West - "I'm Melting"
Wicked witches won in 2005. Good witches win in 2006.
- Ricky from Marky Ramone Records and Filmworks calls (starts at 1:29) and transfers Marky to Tom. Marky starts by giving Tom a rundown of his offices: 37 Marky-aping employees with requisite haircuts, a couple of studios, and draftin' tables for architectural projects such as NYC buildings that look like drum sticks. Prior to the Big News, Marky reveals his new venture -- a monthly, literary mash-up of history and sex called "Erotic Knights".
The spark of inspiration occured during a stop in Pittsburgh on the Ramones' 1995 tour: Marky was roaming the comics department of a local bookstore and became enraptured by the corseted cover girl of Judith McNaught's A Kingdom of Dreams. He got addicted to the story and was teased by fellow Ramones. (CliffsNotes plot summary: The rugged Duke of Claymore longs for acceptance as a common man and not just a Warrior Legend and becomes entangled with a chick named Jennifer, who thinks she might vomit at the sight of his numerous battle scahs, but she's sorta excited and kisses them.) In addition to the McNaught, Marky also drew inspiration from other canonical genre staples: Linda Howard's Mr. Perfect, Julia Quinn's The Duke and I and The Viscount Who Loved Me, Mary Jo Putney's Thunder and Roses, and Nora Roberts's Chesapeake Blue.
The first release in the "Erotic Knights" series is Lady Wainsworth's Desires (Scribner's, 2.16.06). Here's the general story:
During the Revolutionary War, a young woman (Lady Wainsworth) married General Rupert Wainsworth, a high-ranking British general stationed in Massachussetts, who showers her with all the accoutrements a lady in her position deserves. However, Lady Wainsworth wants Rupert's undivided attention, but he's so caught up in defeatin' Israel Putnam and the Colonial fawces that he can't think about his wife and makin' love. As a result, Lady Wainsworth's eye wanders and she sets her intentions on other people, namely this peasant stable boy who takes care of the Wainsworth horses: Marcus.
Marky read an excerpt from Lady Wainsworth's Desires for the Best Show readers. Tom thought it was yucky and derivative. Marky thought it was "heavily erotic". I think it's certainly not my Mom's erotic fiction and, to be honest, kinda titillatin'. Whadda youse think?:
Lady Wainsworth watched with great sadness as her husband mounted his steed and rode out of sight. Rupert was bound for a secret conclave with his Brtish Army compatriots, General Thomas Gauge and General Sir William Howe, to decide how best to handle potential Colonists uprisings. It had been so long since Lady Wainsworth had felt her once-attentive lover's touch that she could not be blamed for noticing the muscular, glistening upper torso of the 19-year-old stable boy, Marcus, as he carried an oversized bag of feed to the awaiting horses. Back at the house, Lady Wainsworth tried her best to busy herself planning what to wear to Gen. Gauge's gala/costume ball, but she soon found that she could not banish the image of Marcus's rippling chest and powerful biceps from her tormented mind.
"My dearest Lord," Lady Wainsworth asked as she fell to the floor, "Why do you tempt me so with this gorgeous creation of yours? I am weak, and I know not if I can resist the tempation to partake of your wondrous bounty."
Unable to contain her passions, Lady Wainsworth soon found herself making the familiar walk down to the stable. The irony of the situation was not lost on Lady Wainsworth. This time a quarry at the stable would be a stallion of another kind -- a man stallion. One who could make her feel like a woman again, not a possession on the arm of a powerful general. When she reached the stable, Lady Wainsworth stopped and pressed an ear against its rough, weathered door. She could hear young Marcus grunting deeply as he bailed hay inside.
Lady Wainsworth pushed open the heavy stable door. The first thing she noticed was how incredibly hot it was inside. Second thing she noticed was Marcus's shimmering, strapping, powerful back. She gazed in wonder as the muscles ripped each time he impaled a mound of hay with his iron pitchfork. Lady Wainsworth walked slowly towards Marcus, who had not heard her enter the barn. As she entered, and neared him, Lady Wainsworth tried her best to avoid the pungent wave of body odor that emanated from Marcus every time he flung one of the bails of hay from his pitchfork. Now just inches away, Lady Wainsworth breathed deeply and placed her soft, delicate hands on Marcus's rugged shoulders. Startled, Marcus quickly turned to face the intruder. Confusion registered on Marcus's cherubic face as he looked in Lady Wainsworth's longing eyes.
"I'm sorry, my lady," said Marcus. "I didn't know you were desirous of a ride today. I shall fetch your usual steed."
Just then Lady Wainsworth grabbed Marcus's massive arm, stopping him in his tracks.
"I am desirous of a ride," she sighed. "But not from Buttercup."
With that, Lady Wainsworth pressed her lips against Marcus's. Marcus pulled away, his confusion growing deeper.
"But Lady Wainsworth, you are a noble woman, and I am a lowly stable boy," said Marcus. "And what if the general discovers us?"
"My husband is not due to return until it's morn," said Lady Wainsworth as she unbuttoned her blouse, revealing her heaving, ample bosom. "Come partake of my fruit basket."
Marky reveals a bit more of the plot: Lady Wainsworth meets some guys en route to Philadelphia and becomes a Colonial spy, revealing her husband's secret battle plans. She also has these kinda dalliances with the key players: John Paul Jones, Paul Revere, Ben Franklin -- even a same-sex fling. Expect a lot of double entendres involving drum stick girth.
Also in the works: Flying Brothel, a book about Charles Lindbergh's notoriously erotic trip to France in a new, hooker-laden flying machine called "The Spirit of '76" and The Whig Party starring General Zachary Galifianakisworth.
Marky also discussed the hardest pot of the life of the mind, which is comin' up with new ways of describin' the erotic content. In the Wainsworth excerpt, he displayed his skill by using "fruit basket" to describe Lady W's ample bosom. Marky offers some creative alternatives that are sure to pop up in future "Erotic Knights" novels: lovelies, mammies, rosebuds, and meat bags.
Former Ramones drummer Clem Burke followed Marky's literary lead, but Marky dismissed his work as hamfisted and marred by obviously autobiographical lead characters. Burke's debut romance novel, Heart of Glass, is a Civil War-era tale of Mary Todd Lincoln's erotic encounters with a southern rebel drummer named Clement T. Burkhauser III.
Marky tires of the book chatter, and quickly shifts to the BIG NEWS.
Precursor to Big News: Marky will sign copies of Lady Wainsworth's Desires at Tom's non-existent table at the WFMU Record Fair in November.
Let's take a breather before recapping the real Big News (adjust your sound levels to a respectful 10 dbs less than Marky):
5
4
3
2
1
Big News: Tom steals Marky's thunder and ruins the surprise by predicting that the news was the reformation of The Ramones. He was right.
The new, real Ramones lineup:
Marky Ramone - definitive drummer
Richie Ramone - drummer
Tommy Ramone - drummer
C.J. Ramone - bass/occasional drummer
The extremely percussive sets will be comprised of every Ramones song without vocals or guitar out of respect for the dead.
Details for the "Explosion of Horror" tour remain sketchy, although there is talk of a gig at a 322-capacity VFW hall in Pennsylvania on 3/17/06 (tickets currently $85). Marky gives Tom first dibs on a live remote and pre-show interview for a fee of $168,340 so the band can wipe out their debt and knock tickets prices down to a more kid-friendly $65. Marky is reluctant to offer the same deal to Howard Stern because Stern is mad at him for planting the botox/plastic surgery story in the media.
Rumors are circulating that the St. Patrick's day tour opener may be postponed or replaced with a more intimate in-store.
Marky unleashes the mathematical Erasmus High motto and is not thrilled with Tom's square renditions, coming off like a Foreigner fan and this guy instead of a Ramones fan and this guy. Increasingly annoyed by Tom's attitude about the Ramones tour, Marky forces him to recite the mantra "I, Tom Scharpling, am not a huge rock star like you, Marky Ramone" and threatens to flood Tom with punches and attack his neck with a bass guitar and his signature Pro-Mark drum sticks.
After discussing Ramones ephemera with some fans, Marky brings the show back to politics by weighing in on the Alioto Supreme Court confirmation. He finds it positive in some ways and bittersweet in other ways. Given a chance, the new Justice could maybe sorta like turn the corner and absorb both conservative ideas and liberal stuff and bring the best of both worlds to things. He compares the scenario to having to plow ahead in recording Mondo Bizarro even though Ed Stasium was not his first choice for producer.
Check out Marky's report on his recent trip to Japan! (Classic: "THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO GAVE ME JAPANESE GIFTS, ROBOTS, STUFFED ANIMALS, GOLD PLATED CHOPPED STICKS , WHICH I COULD NEVER FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE.")
- Gordon from South Dakota dishes out some Love/Hate queries for Tom (starts at 2:44):
1. Good guys: LOVE
2. Bad guys: HATE
3. The beach: LOVE
4. Cream soda: LOVE
5. Plain yogurt: LOVE
6. Loud motorcycles: HATE
7. Relix magazine: HATE
8. Kenneth Lay: HATE
9. Chevrolet Laguna: LOVE (them)
10. Payola: HATE
Gordon believes that Tom's response to #10 lacks a certain truthiness and asks the question again to give Tom a chance to come clean. Gordon cites Tom's frequent spins of Volcano Suns, DC Snipers, and The New PORNOgraphers (a band that would be floating in the terlet sans Tom's bribed support) as obvious evidence that he's in cahoots with his Matador, Merge, and Touch & Go friends. Indie payola exists. Gig's up!
The Smoking Gun's investigation is underway and they've provided a partial list of the labels that Tom received "pay for play" cash money from: Matador, Southern Lord, Homestead, SST, Suburbanal Cuts, Off, Dirtnap, Scat, Fading Captain, Twin/Tone, In The Red, Sub Pop, Cass, Ace of Hearts, Wax Trax, Dischord, Deadbeat, Bang Bang, Quarterstick, Touch & Go, Merge, Latino Bugger Veil, Grass, Minty Fresh, Rykodisc, Yep Roc, Koch, C/Z, Forced Exposure, Rockathon, Asthmatic Kitty (this explains playing nearly half of a SoupJam record he only liked one song on!), Cruz, Cleopatra, Sympathy For The Record Industry, Mint, Cargo, Paw Tracks, Caroline, Ipecac, Barsuk, Polyvinyl, French Kiss, Century Media, Popllama, Frontier, Kill Rock Stars, K, Gern Blandstern, TVT, Trance Syndicate, Simple Machines, Nuclear Blast, Taang!, Lookout!, Rhino, Star Time International, Bar/None, Metal Blade, Jade Tree, Ascension, Shout Factory!, Stereolaffs, Chainsaw, Amphetamine Reptile, Drag City, Bomp, Thrill Jockey, Repertoire, Ardent, Load, Dark Beloved Cloud, Flying Nun, Hippy Knight, Skyclad, Thwart Productions, and Panzerfaust.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: A few callers try to "de-de-de-de-de-dah" Tom and are reduced to puddles of goo by The Oracle No. 1's spell, a discussion of AmRep's invention of the electric guitar, Tom tells a harrowing tale of barely escaping a pimp stompdown while shopping a Von Scharpling demo in Memphis over the weekend, and the good guys hit a fadeaway, 18-foot jumper at the buzzer to improve their record to 6-0 in 2006.
REMINDER FOR TOMMERT, BEST SHOW VOICE OF SANITY: Call early so Tom can talk about how he got into radio (per Bryce, it certainly wasn't radio school!).
Oh, I almost forgot:
Helium - "Superball"
Thanks for the check and the Hummer, Nils! I'll be sure to get some NPs up here next week.
Carmen Sandiego Radiohead?
On the Japanese-import The Brown Bunny DVD, Vincent Gallo discusses (yes, there's one of these on there -- it's equal parts informative, inspiring, and hilarious, ranging from thoughtful ruminations on the creative process to calling Kirsten Dunst "Spider Girl") Jackson C. Frank's 1965 album Blues Runs The Game, one of his all-time favorites. The album includes "Milk And Honey", which Gallo uses in the film, as well as the stunning trailer. Being an unbridled Gallo enthusiast and completist (still saving up for the seed!), I made an immediate purchase.
Dig some folk before it all went freaky (especially recommended for long, cross-country drives while gazing into America's camera-flared landscapes through a bug-specked windshield):
Jackson C. Frank - "Blues Run The Game" (single version)
Jackson C. Frank - "Milk And Honey"
Jackson C. Frank - "My Name is Carnival"
Jackson C. Frank - "Can't Get Away From My Love"
( Click here to buy it from Insound.)
Speaking of folk music, be sure to grab the soundtrack to Breakin' 2: Electric Boogalo.
The 6th installment of the Recid-O-Cast is upon you. Right up on you. I've failed to deliver anything as strong as Dr. Red Duke's devastatingly solid Ray Nagin exclusive -- so don't get your hopes up. Perhaps this should simply be considered the set to the Dr.'s inevitable spike.
I did accomplish something fun though: the Recid-O-Cast is now available in the iTunes Podcast section. All official-like for the least official thing we've ever done. Subscribe in iTunes, or cut and paste this dedicated new feed into your podcast receptacle.
Finally, we set up an email address just for the Recid-O-Cast. It, along with email addresses for each of the R's regulars, can also be found on our new contact page.
but I can go for some Yacht Rock.
The Dix - "From The Top"
I'm sure if Freud was still alive he'd point at us and say that we are all repressed and in denial. I'm willing to bet that if Freud had a desktop, he'd be laughing too. Don't get me wrong, I love the little gay fellas - or dwarves, or whatever we're supposed to call them. It's just that when the subject comes-up and you're all like "oh they're SO well spoken" or whatever, in the back of your mind you are thinking "I wonder what it feels like?"
Maybe Freud was right...
It's completely unnatural, an explosion of force that comes from the belly through the throat.
[Here's more analysis, with mp3s and a comparison with another Oz musical icon.]
I dove into Ecclesiastes this last week and have been chewing on the following ever since:
Everything is so weary and tiresome! No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content.
And Solomon didn't even have an RSS reader! If the dude had been trying to navigate the world of mp3blogs, podcasts, TiVo, and video content for his iPod, he'd have had an even bleaker start to Ecclesiastes.
So I was trying to figure out a way into the above verse (new Recidivism subhead?), while simultaneously listening to this new Kelley Stoltz record. I realized that the next oft-heard bit is where the real juice is:
History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new. What can you point to that is new? How do you know it didn't already exist long ago? We don't remember what happened in those former times. And in future generations, no one will remember what we are doing now.
Kelley Stoltz is covering familiar ground here: lo-fi-ing it up in his room, playing off of well-worn classic pop records, multi-tracking the crap out of his psych-folk experimentation work. But you know what, Solomon? I'm fine with all that. Bring it. Stoltz is delivering new good old stuff. Twist-free! I loved last year's Jamie Lidell record and the fact that he bleeped and blooped up his soul revisitation. That was a nice twist. But Stoltz proves you don't necessarily need to provide the clever update freshness. You can just bring it like we've heard it. Straight up. And if the songs are good, the songs are good.
Kelley Stoltz - "Ever Thought of Coming Back" [Previously under the sun as Beach Boys music. Available 2/7.]
Kelley Stoltz - "The Sun Comes Through" [Previously under the sun as Beatles music. Available now on the The Sun Comes Through EP.]
Possibly my favorite non-Christmas Muppets song. The way Jim Henson(?) says Pachalafaka at the 1:20 point cracks me up everytime. Listen to the song before you find out what it means.
The Muppets - "Pachalafaka"
And I, for one, can't wait to see what results from this. [via goldenfiddle]
[At this point. You know, now that the resignation has set in. A few months back, the one word SL would have been "infuriating."]
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