Spit me out from your cosmos.
"Good guys win in 2006." --el Goodo
"Let's start '06 off on the right, fully-relaxed, fully-rejuvenated foot." --G. McWilliams
[TBSOWFMU - 1/3/06.]
Tom opens the first Best Show of the new year with a great track from a band called Vampire On TI-TUS. I recommend exploring this band’s catalog – here’s a rock robot to help you navigate the robustitude.
- Spike (starts at 25:15) laments 2005 ("too many weirdos out there") and continues his attack on suburbia (adding a more expansive I Don't Do twist by denouncing all humans under the age of 25), which prompts Tom to propose a documentary called Spike Does Suburbia. I think Werner Herzog should direct, and it will undoubtedly end with Spike's cityfied flesh being devoured by a gaggle of "teenyboppers" in the middle of a mall Food Court. I can already hear the Treadwellian rants being put into perspective by Herzog's glorious narration and beautiful helicopter shots of the Newbridge vistas. [Here’s the downright hilarious story Tom mentions in this segment. Some fun quotes, and my fave is Rob Young’s seemingly innocuous “We’re not prudes by any means…” Sounds like the Young’s might be up for a little partner-swappin’!]
- Tom recaps (starts at 49:56) the Little Steven's Underground Garage-ESPN NYE jamboree (sports + garage rock = together at last!) and 2005's most cringe-inducing moment: Stuart Scott asking LS if he had a new year's resolution and having to deal with the non-answer of "Ramones fuheva" (a dicey choice with 75% deceased) combined with a flaunting of his leather jacket commemorating one of the band's low points.
The discussion prompts Marky "Speed King" Ramone to call (starts at 56:14) to set the record straight on late-period Ramones and his legacy in the band. Marky eventually threatens (first Best Show death threat of 2006!) to puncture Tom's neck with his signature Pro-Mock drum stick, smash his face in the street, and use his "naked butt" to beat out the intro to "Teenage Lobotomy".
- MC Steinberg checks in (starts at 1:08) and seems to be in the throes of an existential crisis: sleeping 1.5 hours a night since Thanksgiving, waking up in the shower, and trying to navigate time “by the sun”. This, however, doesn't stop him from a gauntlet throwdown to the haterz for a Battle Rap, targeting the likes of Kanye, 50 Cent, and Snoop. I suggest a 6-man(/duo) tourney with Steinberg and Kanye getting first-round byes. Wild Card matchups: upstart Aziz Ansari (dude once dropped 3 beats in 10 seconds on a random spring day) vs. Snoop and 50 vs. Samberg-Parnell. Eventual champion gets every sandwich on this list.
- Akiva Smirnoff calls (starts at 1:49) to promote his budding stand-up career ("deadpan stuff but also entertainment stuff") and defend his uncle's newer, non-culture-clash material, which is a mixture of motivational speaking, juggling, and relationship jokes.
- The interview with relaxation guru Gregor McWilliams (starts at 1:58) is one of the most disturbing Best Show calls I've heard and another masterful use of the slow-burn twist technique that marks such classics as "Darren from Work" and "Timmy von Trimble". Gregor's initial attempt to test his dubious skills via the radio are derailed when he uses a parade of Republican politicians (Rumsfeld, an owl that looks like Reagan, etc.) as vessels of relaxation for Tom. Then, we gradually get a more revealing portrait of Gregor's troubled cosmus: his legal troubles over providing female patients with his "Rainbow Elixir" potion (i.e., Knob Creek bourbon), a troubled childhood that included driving the family car through his parent's bedroom because they would not allow him to see David Cronenberg's Rabid, and ends with Gregor in fully-demented, Dream Warrior mode commanding Tom to murder Mike the Call Screener in his name in order to remove the bloodlusty demon bears that he had previously implanted in Tom's dreamscape.
The finale: Gregor's piercing cries of "KILL"---->Click---->immediate throw to Rogue Wave's "10:1". Brilliant.
- Scag Winesack calls (starts at 2:44) to reveal his holiday surprise: a visit from an 11-year-old daughter he didn't know he had. His attempts at trying to relate to this youngster include a shopping trip to local hunting and fishing emporiums and an armed robbery of a poker game. (I imagined the prep work for this event to look something like this.) She was also unimpressed by Scag's Hollywood stories, even the one about his work as Dennis Franz's "stunt butt" on NYPD Blue.
On the next ... The Best Show on WFMU: the debut of FWD of the Week®, Philly Boy Roy discusses his "old-school" redesign of sebastianbach.com, and Timmy von Trimble has an early review of the new Queen Latifah film, Last Holiday.
Natural Relaxation Gregor's Way, Vol. 4 is available at health food stores everywhere.